Massive: Issue 05 'Identity'

Massive

NZ

If

EDITORIAL

WHO IS THAT ON MY ID?!

Who is that bitch with the braids and long hair?! Where is the fuck ass bob?! Where are the hot librarian glasses?!

This is what I ask myself when I look at my IDs from 2021, when I had long hair, no fringe and... no style. My identity consisted of Accutane progress photos, small town girl in big city energy and homesickness.

But my old student ID expires at the end of this month, along with the sad-looking photo of me that went with it. This is in some ways very unfortunate as I’ve been using the ID to get student discounts even though I’m graduated thanks Massey xoxo.

But in another sense, I’m excited to throw it away. I don’t resonate with that Sammy much anymore. She wore braids to hide her hair when it got greasy. Her Doc Marten's collection was tiny. She was too scared to drive in the big city. She was figuring out how to eat normally living on her own. She couldn’t read the lecture screens because she needed glasses!

Looking ahead, I’d appreciate it if Massey could give me a new ID with a new photo so I can keep getting student discounts forever.

Love, Sammy.

LETTERS TO THE EDITOR

Kia ora Sammy, Bella and the Massive Team, I just wanted to reach out and say a heartfelt thank you for your recent issue of Massive Magazine.

I’ve been a bit upset and demoralised by the lack of engagement by the Massey University community on Palestine and the genocide that is unfolding in Gaza. With the exception of a few colleagues and union reps, it has felt a bit isolating for me up in Auckland.

This morning I filled up petrol at my local petrol station and saw they had installed Soda Stream ads and a bin for picking up gas bottles outside. I was slightly deflated, but this feeling quickly passed when I got to University and saw the issue of the Massive Magazine with the wonderful cover by Bella celebrating the work of Bisan Owda.

Thank you to you both and the Massive team for being principled in your journalism.

There is hope for the NZ media landscape yet as long as we have aspiring media producers like you working in this space.

GOT A HOT TAKE, CONFESSION, SOMETHING YOU LOVE OR HATE ABOUT MASSIVE? SEND AN ANONYMOUS LETTER TO THE EDITOR AT: MASSIVEMAGAZINE.ORG.NZ/LETTERS

WINSTON PETERS MEETS PROPALESTINE RALLY OUTSIDE PALMY CONVENTION CENTRE

WORDS BY ELIZABETH MOISSON A SHE/HER

Massey students greeted deputy prime minister Winston Peters with a sign reading “FREE PALESTINE. STOP THE GENOCIDE” last Sunday at the Palmerston North convention centre.

The Palestine Solidarity Network Aotearoa moved their usual Sunday Square rally to the convention centre last minute when they heard news Winston Peters was there.

The Student Action Collective (SAC) members felt Peters, as the foreign minister, should be trying to give the Palestinian people a home rather than being trapped in war.

The protestors shouted at Peters, saying “You cannot hide, we charge you with genocide.”

But things quickly turned sour as more protestors showed up and older crowd members grew more aggressive.

SAC member, Shaun De Malmanche said one man put his hands behind his back and aggressively crowded a group of people shouting, “I am not touching you, I am not touching you, I am not touching you.”

De Malmanche said there was lots of aggression towards children and women, especially the Muslim women who were wearing Hijabs.

SAC members said the media did a terrible job with their coverage, focusing on Winston Peters and giving the protesters 20 seconds of fame.

Winston would not talk to protestors about the Palestine situation, shutting media questions down immediately.

TE TIRA AHU PAE SLAMMED ON MASSEY CONFESSIONS PAGE

WORDS BY SAMMY CARTER A SHE/HER

The student association’s sausage sizzles, pizza parties, logo and advertising are called “corporate” on the Massey Confessions Facebook page.

Since O-Week, there were at least 10 anonymous confessions mentioning Te Tira Ahu Pae, many confused as to what the association is and how it works.

“I thought they were a private business aimed to put on BBQs for students. That might as well be what they are," said one confession.

"I see no democracy in the student union. The way in which they operate is not visible to the student community.”

Te Tira Ahu Pae provides representation and services to Massey University students, as well as advocacy, events and clubs. The association was created last year, as an amalgamation of 10 student associations at Massey.

Some felt the association’s information and advocating around staff and course cuts was “poor”.

“Can’t remember the last time they openly said something about the cuts… I’m a bit tired of the glorified ‘company pizza parties’ as an excuse for student unionism.”

The association took a stance against the cuts in September last year, attending their first cuts protest that month.

Some confessions said more blame should be put on the university, “If you want more events, blame Massey for their finances and stingy budget.”

While the association is funded through the university, it remains independent.

One person wondered if the reps and presidents were elected democratically, “Is that a democratic process or are they just picked by the higher ups?”

In the association, twenty student reps are elected, and seven presidents and vice presidents are appointed.

The four presidents, Hennessey Wilson, Cameron McCausland-Taylor, Sosefina Filo-Masoe and Wesley Peters, said they had inherited a halfdone system and were still working to improve it.

They said the intention behind events like pizza parties and sausage sizzles was to give students a platform to voice their opinions.

They acknowledged the gaps in their feedback loop regarding the cuts.

“However, looking back to when the cuts first emerged last year, we as an association were active in this space through protesting alongside the Tertiary Education Union and students.”

They said they don’t have information about cuts until the general Massey population is also informed.

Moving forward, they planned to ensure students are updated with information as it comes from the university.

The association is currently focused on advocating around land sales at the Oteha campus, transparent information from Massey, the student services fee, combating period poverty, disability access and online supervised exams to name a few.

ALBANY CO-LAB HOSTS FIRST STI POP-UP CLINIC

WORDS BY YESENIA PINEDA A SHE/THEY

With STI rates increasing, and international students struggling to find care, Albany Co-Lab is hosting their first pop-up clinic on March 27th from 12pm to 4pm.

Benjamin Watts, Co-Lab facilitator and sociology student said, “There’s a lot of STI's that don't actually show symptoms until it's too late and they've gotten severe.”

With this pop-up clinic, both domestic and international students won’t have to worry about travelling long distances to get tested.

This is especially helpful for international students who use Massey health insurance and are on tight budgets.

“I think it’s a positive surrounding that this is for the international students getting tested on campus compared to somewhere else,” Watts said.

Sexually transmitted infections were reaching an all-time high for people aged 18 to 25 in Aotearoa, according to Just The Facts.

There were 486 cases of syphilis across the country in 2022, an 8% increase compared to the year before, according to the Institute of Environmental Science and Research.

As resources become more accessible on campus, students won’t have to worry about finding sexual health testing facilities or about paying out of pocket for treatment.

SLACK TEAM MEMBERS ARE A MAJOR HURDLE FOR DISTANCE GROUP PROJECTS

WORDS BY CAITLIN BINGHAM A SHE/HER

AMassive poll found that 35% of Massey distance students saw unmotivated group members as the main challenge in group projects.

Unlike internal group projects, where peer pressure and face-to-face interactions can maintain accountability, distance learners find it easier to be disengaged.

Te Tira Ahu Pae’s distance vice president, Flynn O’Hallahan said, “Fostering group communication is more difficult for distance students. We have to compete with differing time zones, availability and restrictive communication methods”.

Adding to the stress for 25% of students was ‘finding a time that fits with everyone’s schedules’ and a ‘lack of communication,’ which affected 18% of distance students.

Despite their unpopularity, group projects can be an essential part of connecting distance students

who often have limited interaction with peers.

A Massey spokesperson said, “Collaborative learning and working in groups are great ways to help students develop key ‘soft’ or ‘transferable’ skills such as critical thinking, problem-solving, communication, teamwork and project/task management.”

“Working in groups and teams, often online and across multiple locations and time zones, is increasingly a part of the normal workplace, and while we know it can be challenging at times, we do factor this into course workloads.”

The spokesperson encouraged students to contact their course coordinators if they are experiencing challenges in their team.

Taking the time to find the best platform to communicate was important, with some students recommending Discord.

STUDENTS WAIT 104 DAYS TO GET HALL BOND REFUND

WORDS BY SAMMY CARTER A SHE/HER

Massey Halls told students bond refunds would take “up to 60 working days”. However, 66 residents waited up to 104 days after new residents had already moved in.

John* moved out of a Palmerston North hall in November last year, but was left without his $450 dollar bond until this month.

With just a part-time job and StudyLink taking a while to kick in, John* said, “I’ve been having to ask my parents very nicely for some grocery money every now and then.”

“Their entire cliental is uni students who famously don’t have money, and they’ve just been holding onto it. I don’t know why.”

“It feels really icky.”

John* argued that when you are renting traditionally, it wouldn’t take this long to simply process a bond refund.

MUSLIM

“I wanted to be moved out and done with uni halls, living in my new flat and starting a new year of study, and this is kind of just hanging on from last year.”

A Massey University spokesperson said some reasons why a bond refund could take over 60 days were awaiting account details, incorrect account details and residents staying on.

None of these reasons applied to John*.

Across the three campuses’ accommodation sites, there were 58 Manawatū residents and 8 Wellington residents that did not receive their bond within 60 days.

30 of the Manawatū residents were refunded on March 1st, while 28 were refunded on March 8th. 8 Wellington residents were refunded on February 29th.

*Name changed for anonymity.

STUDENTS AT MASSEY MANAWATŪ CELEBRATE RAMADAN

WORDS BY ELIZABETH MOISSON A SHE/HER

Muslim students grow closer to Allah this month as they celebrate Ramadan amongst hand ins and classes.

The Massey Muslim Society is hosting Iftar every Monday and Tuesday at 7:30pm and daily Taraweeh prayers at 9pm until Ramadan ends on April 9th.

Ramadan happens on the ninth month of the Islamic calendar, where Muslims around the world pray, fast, reflect and come closer as a community.

Aadil Jada, the vice president of the Massey Muslim Society said, “We believe we develop a closer relation to God in this month and we may also develop closer relationships with other Muslims.”

A third-year Animal Science student, said, “I participate in Ramadan because I want to feel cleansed, to feel closer to God and appreciate the life we are living.”

“I would support anyone who wants to join Islam. I would also encourage anyone to participate in Ramadan, as it is special, it shows self-control and discipline, .”

Food Technology student, Iqra Zulfiqar encouraged people to be respectful during this time, “do not criticize why and how Muslims fast for the entire day, be considerate”.

WORDS BY LOUIS “LUCKY”

BEING QUEER IN A WHEELCHAIR

ost strive to stand out in a crowd. To be a shining beacon of exceptionality. To be praised for what you do, and respected for who you are.

But it's hard not to feel the chill of isolation when you can’t help but stand out.

You’d think being different from everyone else from the get-go would make growing up queer easy. My love for pretty dresses and skirts. My religious rewatching of every Barbie film I could get my tiny hands on. The fact that I always had to be the girl characters from TV whenever I’d play pretend with my friends. It all felt right and natural.

But then I noticed I was the only ‘boy’ that did this.

It turns out that already being different from everyone else in one way doesn’t make it easier to be different in another. It just makes every difference from what’s normal a terrifying beast that threatens to leave you desolate.

So, I hid it all away, my love for all things pretty and girlish. It became my secret. My shame dressed in pink. It’s amazing what the fear of being an outcast can do to a child. The pit of repression and denial you’ll bury yourself in. How depressing it is when all that burying does nothing when compared to a painfully visible disability. The horror when you get used to it.

The passing stares that cut into your skin as you go about your day. They’ll call you an inspiration for living a mundane life when you move in a chair that moves on its own. As if you’ve performed a miracle of God.

The swarms of invasive questions about your life, your body. You’ll eventually stop feeling them crawl across your flesh and burrow into your surgery scars when they seek to understand you as if you are an alien.

The constant assumption that you are helpless. That you need help with everything. Teacher aids to keep up with the rest of the class. Constant offers to help carry things or open doors. It doesn’t matter how much you fight for the scraps of fragile independence you can get. They always offer to help with a concerned tone and a smile.

It’s enough to make you scream and shatter.

They never warn you how isolating it can be, being the only one of your kind growing up. Boys who weren’t into the proper ‘manly’ things were considered weak by the media. The only ‘heroes’ I could look up to as a kid were either stars at the Paralympics or mindcontrolling professors in chairs who send children to fight for them (and get ‘cured’ through sci-fi bullshit a lot). When the only example of people like you are either pinnacles of exceptionalism or waiting to be cured, it festers and grows like an infection inside you. The need to be extraordinary lest you be nothing.

It all becomes your fault, and your flesh will constantly remind you of your ‘failings.’ You are the reason you become so easily out of breath. You didn’t try hard enough to relearn to walk after that surgery. You didn’t try hard enough to be a man.

I let that poison seep into me.

But I have come to see the bullshit of it all.

I am not required to teach and inspire the straight, abled-bodied masses through the ‘tragedy’ of my life. Let them quake as I strive in my best black dress with messy eyeliner. My trauma will be made into art. My creations will be made out of pure love for myself and everything that I am, and pure spite against their way of viewing me. And... their stupid fucking stairs.

To anyone who sincerely thinks I’m complaining about nothing, may your feet be crushed by a

THE DREADED ETHNICITY CHECKBOXES

I am writing this from the gynecologist's office.

When you go to the gyno (or any doctor's office, really), you are given that clipboard with the form to fill out your details while you wait.

Name: Kira Carrington

Address: [redacted]

Email & phone number: [doxing is a very serious issue guys]

Ethnicity: ... ... Fuck.

Those little checkboxes that ask you to categorise yourself into an ethnic group for their statistics.

ART BY KEELIN BELLA HE/HIM

⬛ NZ EUROPEAN ⬛ MĀORI

⬛ SAMOAN

⬛ TONGAN

⬛ CHINESE

⬛ OTHER

Some questionnaires say you can only select one, some say select up to two. The cool ones don't put a limit on how many you can select (shout out to you guys).

In a world that is more interconnected than ever before, people can come from everywhere, and nowhere.

People like me.

Every time that dreaded question comes up, it feels like I’m being punched in the gut for not having a clear answer.

If you were to ask me where I'm from I would say I'm British. I was born in London, to a Kiwi mother and a British father. I speak with a British accent. So perhaps that’s it, then. I'm British and NZ European. Two easily recognizable ethnicities that I can put down on any gynecologist's form.

There is one slight wrinkle though.

Once, I ticked NZ European. When I handed the form back, the nurse gave it a once over and gave me a weird look. She would have assumed I was anything but NZ European.

I am ‘pigmented’, ‘exotic’, ‘ethnic’. My hair doesn't adhere to the laws of gravity, and my skin doesn't burn after 20 minutes in the sun.

I am not white.

But also, ticking the British or NZ European box feels like a betrayal.

Once, there was this little thing called the British Empire. During that time, the British took people from Africa to the Carribean as slaves to work the sugar plantations. I am descended from those people. My father's family come from the Caribbean island of Barbados.

After slavery was abolished, many families, like my grandparents, moved to the UK. As much as they identify as being British, they also identify with the island they came from (or where their ancestors were taken to).

To identify myself as just British feels like I'm ignoring that crucial part of my history, in favour of those who oppressed and enslaved my people, but who also happen to be my people too.

This leaves the dreaded 'other' box.

I am... 'other'.

‘Other’ is unfamiliar, unknown, different. Yet I have lived here all my life.

I'm sure there are plenty of people who would just tick a box and move on with their life. However, the checkboxes are a symbol of how it really feels to come from everywhere and nowhere. That I don't really belong anywhere.

Over the past few months, we have seen the strength of Te Ao Māori in the face of the government's attacks against Te Tiriti. I have seen the sense of community and love they have for each other, the strength they have when standing together. I admire them so much for that.

It also makes me kind of jealous. Māori culture, philosophy, their way of life was damaged by the British Empire. But they did not lose it. They know who they are.

There are many people who on first sight would assume I am one of them, but I am not. It would almost be simpler if I was.

I have never been to Barbados, and I have only met one other person who is from there. I don’t really know much about the place, being raised by my Kiwi mother. I know the people have their own unique and beautiful culture, but I have never learned it.

I wonder if going to Barbados will give me that sense of belonging Māori seem to have with each other. I hope so.

Maybe I'll even find a consistent answer for that gyno form. Or maybe they can just get rid of the boxes altogether.

I sit at the gyno now, fidgeting with my pen, deciding which box to tick.

I decide to tick ‘other’, but not because I am ashamed. I am the accumulation of hundreds of years of history that span thousands of miles.

HAVING A BEARD

& WEARING A SKIRT

NON-BINARY IMPOSTER SYNDROME IN QUEER SPACES

Sometimes I have a beard.

Nothing special, just a shitty goatee makes me look kinda like a kiwi Chris Cornell. Sometimes, I have a gender crisis, shave it all off, and cut my bangs.

In both states, I am non-binary, no more, no less. But the way I look does sometimes make me feel lessthan. It makes me wonder, do I look too masculine now? Am I actually non-binary?

Last year, I shaved it off as clean as I could and cut my bangs. I got myself feeling as happy with my appearance as I could. I arrived at the Palmy Drag fest feeling hopeful.

But to say I felt out of place is an understatement.

In the audience and on the stage were some of the purest pieces of queer expression I have ever seen. And there I was getting shit-faced to cope with the slight gender crisis I was experiencing.

Do I belong here? Even with my little enby flag, do people know who I am? Am I even nonbinary, or is this all some big appropriation ruse?

The performances distracted somewhat, but in the back of my mind were the words "fake queer".

Sitting there, under the lights and amongst the noise, I tried to drown out my thoughts.

But all the same

“FAKE QUEER, FAKE QUEER, FAKE QUEER.”

One particular person distracted me from my thoughts. It was almost like seeing a friend at a party where you know no one.

They wore ripped tights, a black skirt, and were headbanging to music that didn’t match the vibe. But it didn’t matter because they didn’t care.

I realised when I saw them, they’re who I wanted to be.

I realised that what I was feeling, while valid, was bullshit.

I started to really look at everyone around me. Dotted amongst all the glam was the grunge. The variety in the outfits, materials, colours being used it was staggering.

Outdated stereotyping has made it seem like non-binary people need to look a certain way. You can’t be too masc or too femme. You have to be in perfect androgynous equilibrium, and if you’re not then you’re obviously one or the other binaries. But the differing people around me started to make that feel irrelevant.

I don’t know who this person in a black skirt was, their sexuality, or their pronouns. All I know is they looked really bloody good. And I reckon I could pull off a skirt too.

The comfort washed over me, and I started to feel a bit more at ease. Spotting them across the aisles showed that I wasn’t out of place in my Docs and bootleg Pearl Jam tee. Unlike what the past has told us, there is no LGBTQ+ dress code. There’s only what you’re comfortable in.

It made me just feel a little better about being queer in my own Aiden way.

It doesn’t make the idea of chucking on a skirt for the next Palmy Drag Fest feel any less stressful for me. But it does have me considering if my beard would go with a skirt, as opposed to shaving it all off.

As Demi Lovato once said who says I can’t wear my converse with my dress? Well, baby, that’s just me.”

I’m still trimming my bangs though, they’re cute as fuck.

Who says I can’t wear a black skirt with my beard? Well, baby, that’s my goatee.

t's a Tuesday afternoon when Evie Ashby walks through the doors of Wellington’s Baobab café. The café is bustling with energy. Laughter and chatter fills the room as the coffee machine whirs. Beside us is a man writing notes in a journal. Across the room is a group of girlfriends talking about their latest trip to Bali. A mother and a daughter share a caramel slice in the corner.

As Evie displays her art on our table, I realise the café is full of the simple pleasures and nostalgic energy Evie captures in her paintings.

Evie laughs a little nervously when she describes herself. She smiles softly, “I’m a tall girl. It’s gotten me a lot of opportunities in my short lifetime, including rowing, netball, and modelling.”

Before Evie settled down this year to study Fine Arts at Massey University, she spent 2023 travelling the world and modelling for some of the biggest designers in the fashion industry. Paris, Milan, New York, Sydney, and Tenerife are just a handful of places Evie travelled for work.

“It was definitely one of the best things about that [modelling] experience. Getting to see all different types of cultures and people”. However, during this time, Evie believes she lost parts of her identity.

Art is often drawn from people’s life experiences and traumas. Artistic inspiration grew from Evie’s year abroad, the people she met, and the things she experienced. Despite being within an environment that tested her, she feels art keeps her connected to the world and her identity.

“You connect with people over art, there’s emotion and feeling. It goes deeper than the surface level.”

Evie’s identity shines in her work. Her art dissects the beautifully simple moments and people in her life. Scenes of friends laughing together and enjoying each other’s company. Mundane family moments encapsulating the universal feelings of familial love and comfort. Moments of life captured in a still shot. It’s a

“Last year I was two people”, Evie says, “There was a part of me that loved the job and put myself out there. But I had to be a very different person from who I am deep down”.

Models often find they’re consumed by their jobs and they’re expected to be. It’s not a regular nineto-five job. You’re constantly moving around, meeting new people, and being dressed in new identities. You’re prodded, criticised, twisted, and judged like a piece of art. You don’t own your body when you work, you are moulded to meet whatever the current ‘look’ is.

Evie straightens upright, nearly buzzing when I ask about the future.

“I want to be an artist. I want to paint things, big things,” she exclaims.

While she admits there’s a part of her that's scared of that prospect, she wants to own it and be herself. “Last year was amazing and very hard. But I’m trying to get back my spark for what’s next in my life, which is super nerve-wracking, but also exciting.”

Our coffee cups are empty now. The café-goers have packed up and left, and the afternoon buzz has faded. A quiet floats through the café. It’s a companionable silence, one that I often feel when I look at Evie’s art.

WORDS BY JO JALFON

80S 80S 80S 80S A A A A

BRINGING BACK THE MASSEY GRADS CELEBRATE

DECADES OF FRIENDSHIP IN PALMY

group of 60 former Massey students retrace old haunts and hostels as they mark 40 years of friendship formed in the 1980s in Palmerston North.

They returned in early March, weaving in a visit to campus and Tui Brewery ahead of live music from bands formed within their friendship group.

The group got their old bands back together, Iceland Bars, which featured on the Meltdown Records label in the 80s, along with The Rough Diamonds.

“Music has played an important role in keeping us connected since the 80s,” recounts Richard Bourke, guitarist for Iceland Bars. The bands first played at 21sts and later weddings and New Year celebrations.

“We named the band after old ice block signage we found out the back of a flat on Linton Street.”

Most of the friends started at Massey in 1984, meeting in hostels like Walter Dyer, the Courts, and Pink Hostel.

Richard recalls Palmy simply being a great place to be in the 80s. The city was dominated by affordable cafes, regular food and flat crawls, champagne breakfasts on roundabouts, orientation pranks and great music.

“We really embraced the concept of being a student and I think Palmy embraced us too.”

Places like Sage Café in Square Edge where popular haunts as was the ‘Central Nervous Station’ for meat pies, Costa’s for special occasion Mexican dinners, Hawaiian Takeaways at the end of a big night and Sunday evenings at the Fisherman’s Table.

With a rent freeze imposed by the then Government, students living on campus had certainty of pocketmoney for essentials like a $2 jug of beer at the Fitz.

Massey grad Jo Jalfon remembered a lot from 1984. “I remember being dropped off by my parents at Walter Dyer aged 19 and feeling nervous that I knew no one.”

“It turned out to be the start of an amazing journey with friends that have shared everything with me from backpacking through Europe to parenthood.”

“There is a sense of closeness, connection, and camaraderie from my time at Massey that I haven’t experienced in other aspects of my life.”

Bridget Lampard agrees, saying a last-minute decision to study at Massey left her without her usual network, but it scored her lifelong friends and a partner.

“Meeting other people in the same situation created a unique environment to forge enduring friendships, and a marriage, that remain central to my life 40 years later.”

The friends have moved on to have great careers as vets, business owners, social workers, and working overseas. This may be their last get-together with numbers dwindling due to age, life commitments, ill health and sadly, the loss of several friends. But their friendship will always be treasured and remembered all the same.

ART BY BELLA MARESCA A THEY/THEM

Back in my wild crazy days, I matched with this guy on Tinder (for a hookup, obvs). He let me know that he and his girlfriend were in an open relationship (even sent a saucy video of them for proof). Being a stupid 18-yearold, that piqued my interest. So, we agreed to… meet up.

The girlfriend was at work. But he said she might come over and join in on the festivities later. So, he and I got started. It comes and goes (no pun intended) and no girlfriend comes, which was fine. But the issue is I bled all over their sheets. Like, all layers of the sheets were fucked and needed a wash.

The dude offered me a tea in the name of ‘aftercare’. I said yes and as he was making the tea, the girlfriend came home. I had to embarrassingly confess that I bled all over her bedsheets over a cup of peppermint tea. She assured me it was fine but something about it felt so wrong and I felt so guilty.

I went home and swore to never be in that situation again, even though I did nothing wrong. They would go on to message me to come over a few times after until I blocked them. A few years on, I sometimes wonder if they’re still a couple and how many more times since then they’ve had to clean someone else’s fluids off their bedsheets.

Are you talking about my mate, Eddie the mule? I’ve heard a couple donkeys call him a manwhore and I have to agree. His ass count is almost as high as mine!

I’ve dealt with this many times, coming from the certified god of manwhores who every sane person falls for. I have to fend off potential lovers with a stick (sometimes I use the wrong stick).

All that experience means he must be a good fuck (and if it’s Eddie, I’ve heard good things). Love just complicates things. I say just fuck him and have a good time. Plenty of people have fallen in love with me, and there’s enough Fergus to go around.

One time a girl confessed to me that she was in love with me while I was eating her out. I mean she tasted good, but I hightailed outta there.

Q. HEY FERGIEPOO. I’M IN LOVE WITH A MANWHORE. WHAT DO I DO?

The post-nut clarity didn’t help. I’d keep all that love to yourself.

But if you have your sight set on making this manwhore (Eddie, are you there?) fall in love with you too, you are in for the long haul. But it's not impossible!

Once I fucked this girl with incredible doggy style... for a sheep. So good that when she started ignoring my booty calls, it made me more into her. I wouldn’t say I loved her. But if she had resisted me for more than a week then you never know.

Ignore this manwhore for a week or two and see where it gets ya. He may become a manwhore retiree. I’ve seen it done before.

And if you decide you’d rather just hook up and have a good time with someone else, no feelings attached hit me up.

FERGUS THE RAM IS MASSEY UNIVERSITY'S LONG-TIME MASCOT. HE IS ALSO A SEX GOD, ALPHA RAM AND HORNED UP FUCKBOY.

SABRINA CARPENTER SHORTCAKE

Sabrina Carpenter is a 24-year-old American singer, songwriter and actress. She is best known for her most recent album, emails i can’t send, and her leading role on 2010’s Disney Channel TV show Girl Meets World. She recently finished touring with Taylor Swift, as the opening act on the Era’s Tour.

A RISQUÉ MOUTHFUL OF NAUGHTY NONSENSE OUTROS

A PERFECTLY PORTIONED HAIRSPRAY MIST OF CURTAIN BANGS

½ A CUP OF SCANDALIZING THE CATHOLIC CHURCH

A PINCH OF MINI SKIRTS

5 CUPS OF UNDERRATED TALENT AND SLOW BURN FAME

A SCOOP OF DISNEY CHANNEL STAR TURNED POP ICON

3 AND ½ STRUTS IN NAKED WOLFE PLATFORM BOOTS

ARIES TAURUS GEMINI

Stop mirroring the personality of every person you meet. You’ll start to seem fake if you aren’t careful.

This time, practicality isn’t the answer. Get in touch with your emotions and stop hiding. Text that special person back.

Time for a solo date, Libra. Go watch a shitty movie, eat buttery theatre popcorn, and grab an overpriced soft drink to take with you.

Don’t worry, Scorpio your ass looks great in those jeans. Add them to your cart and buy, buy, buy! Give yourself a treat.

This is your week, Gemini. It’s the perfect time to avoid all the hobbies you already have and start a new one! Go buy some overpriced craft materials and have fun.

SAGITTARIUS

Doesn’t matter if you have any art skills, pick up a sketchpad this week and go wild! You might just enjoy expressing yourself through creativity.

CANCER VIRGO

That running bit you

You have been so generous to other people lately. Your fear of being stingy is going too far. Step back and make sure other people are being generous to you too.

eat it, you know.

Stop online shopping, Virgo. Those posters you want for your flat — just print them out on the Massey printers. It’s basically the same thing.

AQUARIUS

Aquarius – we know you like to tell the truth, but giving feedback on your mate's work isn’t the time to be brutally critical. Reel it back and preserve your friendships.

Stop being so picky, Pisces. It’s time to start swiping right more often. Be confident and ask someone on a date this week stop waiting for ‘the one’ to bump into you by chance.

DITCH IT!

ACROSS

3. Slang for the person you’re dating being more attractive than you (8)

5. 2013 Melissa McCarthy and Jason Bateman crime/ comedy film (8,5)

7. New Zealand singer and songwriter (5)

8. Classic kiwi gumboot (3,5)

11. Fred Jones’ dog (6,3)

12. Palmerston North bus company (8)

14. AI (10,12)

16. Little Women’s love interest (6)

19. MAFS (6,2,5,5)

22. Sabrina Carpenter’s latest album (6,1,4,4)

CROSSWORD.

1. “You know I can’t grab your ________ chips, go away.” (5)

2. Recent Wellington music festival (9)

3. New Zealand Christmas tree (10)

4. Popular running app (6)

6. What is Fergus short for? (8)

9. A state of missing where you’re from (8)

DOWN

10. Food for when you’re sick (4)

13. Recent Irish holiday (5,8,3)

15. Women’s Rugby team that protested the government in a recent haka (10,4)

17. Royal that recently came out of hiding (4,9)

18. Country where Rihanna is from (8)

20. Sanitarium wholegrain breakfast (7)

21. Which hand does a wedding ring go on? (4)

A year and four months that I’m doomed to feel homesick.

I yearn to see my snaggle-toothed chihuahua licking my face as I lay on the carpet scrolling away for art references.

I want to feel the way my dad hugs and kisses my forehead after a long day of welding together iron. The way he would cook traditional Salvadorean food like pupusas. I miss the church members that squeezed me so hard that all I could smell was their perfume. I miss the friends that tackled me the moment they saw me again and refused to let go as if I was vapor itself.

Most of all, I miss my mom. I miss the way she speaks in Spanish. I miss the way she would cook meals and call them “experiments”. I miss the way she would passionately complain about her job. I miss the way she would hold me and give me that reassuring feeling that no matter what, everything would be okay. A little girl in my heart yearns for her. I’m left to only see her through a screen.

I don’t know if I’ll be able to shake this feeling, as I count the days ‘til I go back.

My heart is with my home, and my home is my people.

EDITOR IN CHIEF SAMMY CARTER SHE/HER

SUB-EDITOR NATALYA NEWMAN THEY/SHE

HEAD OF DESIGN BELLA MARESCA THEY/THEM

MANAWATŪ REPORTER ELIZABETH MOISSON SHE/HER

TE AO MĀORI ILLUSTRATOR KEELIN BELL NGĀTI MANIAPOTO, NGĀTI POROU, NGĀPUHI

ŌTEHĀ REPORTER YESENIA PINEDA SHE/THEY

STAFF WRITER AIDEN WILSON THEY/THEM

STAFF WRITER JESSIE DAVIDSON SHE/HER

ILLUSTRATOR JESS SKUDDER SHE/HER

PĀMAMAO REPORTER CAITLIN BINGHAM SHE/HER

STAFF WRITER KIRA CARRINGTON SHE/HER

COVER ART BY BELLA MARESCA

CENTREFOLD ART BY EVIE ASHBY

HOROSCOPES BY NATALYA NEWMAN

MASSIVE P*SSY POCKET POCKET WOULD NOT PROVIDE PURRRNOUNS