Sexcapades

Crampy, cranky and still mad

My flatties friends don’t usually strike my fancy, but one day that all changed. One day, she walked in.

Her hair was long, she wore a gazillion rings on her fingers, and not a single tightfitting item of clothing in sight. She gave Tash Sultana energy and took my heart.

I wanted her more than I’d wanted anything in my life. More than I wanted my first flannel shirt, more than I wanted my first piercing and definitely more than I wanted air to breathe. Okay, that’s slightly dramatic, but if love at first sight is a thing, then I was experiencing it. After pestering my flatmate, I found out she was single and ready to mingle, so I did what any girl with a crush would do, I planned a flat party. It all came together better than Taylor Swift’s Reputation era and I was f*ckstrated imagining what was going to happen between us.

Friday night came, the party was popping and finally, after what felt like an eternity of waiting, she arrived. We got chatting, flirted a bit, and next thing I knew we were in my room with our pants off. Her rings were cold against my skin but it felt like proper euphoria, and within a few steamy minutes, she was giving me lip service.

Life was good. The girl I fancied was in between my legs and I was pretty sure a big-o wasn’t far away. But then, it all came crumbling down. My body went rogue at the worst time possible.

Midway through our sex sesh, I got the worst cramp I’ve ever experienced in my life. It was a toe curling, tear-worthy, “why God!!!” type of cramp but because I’m a trooper (or at least a simp), I was determined not to ruin the moment I’d been dreaming of all week. After trying to pass it off as moans, she could sense something was wrong and we had no choice but to stop. The mood was quickly ruined, and we ended up leaving things there and heading back to the party.

Safe to say, I’ve never been crampier and crankier in my life and am still wondering what I did to deserve such povo karma.