Solicited Advice

Hi Pocket, there’s a girl I like. How do I subtly let her know that I’m gay af?

You would not believe how many times I have been asked this question (thrice). For years, I have had forlorn lesbians pat me mournfully, for my sleek and soft fur is extremely calming for those in a state of lovesickness. A terrible affliction I try to avoid myself, but I understand it to be an inherent human folly. If you’ve already tried cuffing your jeans, piercing your nose, and putting your keys on a carabiner, I can only suggest casually mentioning an ex-gf in front of the object of your affections in your next design lab and hoping she picks up the hint.

This week, your impulsive nature will reach new heights. You’ll be tempted to start a marathon, learn five languages, and launch a gourmet cat food line. Remember, Aries, take a deep breath and focus on one thing at a time. No one needs a multilingual marathon-running cat food tycoon.

Beware of taking your stubbornness to extreme levels this week. While it’s admirable to stand your ground, refusing to share the last slice of pizza might not win you any popularity contests. Remember, Taurus, pizza is meant to be shared, and so is your awesomeness!

Aries Taurus Gemini Cancer Leo Virgo

This week, your emotional side will be on overdrive. You might cry during commercials, laugh uncontrollably at puns, and experience all the feels at once. Remember, Cancer, it’s okay to be a roller coaster of emotions as long as you buckle up and keep your hands inside the ride at all times.

Prepare for a dramatic entrance this week, Leo! You’ll walk into a room, and everyone will turn their heads, jaws dropping in awe. Unfortunately, you’ll realize moments later that you had toilet paper stuck to your shoe the whole time. Remember, even the king or queen of the jungle has awkward moments.

Scorpio

Your indecisiveness will reach new heights this week, Libra. Choosing between a movie night and a night out with friends might lead to a three-hour internal debate. Remember, it’s okay to flip a coin sometimes. Just make sure it doesn’t land on its edge, creating a whole new set of decisions.

This week, your mysterious aura will attract attention from every corner. People will be lining up to solve the enigma that is you. Be careful not to reveal all your secrets at once, Scorpio. Leave them guessing, like why they can never find matching socks.

Capricorn Aquarius

This week, your ambitious nature will take over. You’ll set goals higher than skyscrapers and work longer hours than a caffeinated squirrel on a wheel. Take a moment, Capricorn, to appreciate life’s simpler joys, like a good cup of coffee and the occasional nap.

Your rebellious spirit will be in full force this week. You’ll question authority, challenge norms, and start a revolution. Just be careful not to rebel against your alarm clock. Oversleeping might make you miss out on the breakfast revolution happening in your kitchen.

Your social butterfly skills will be in full swing this week. You’ll be invited to multiple parties, events, and even a secret society. Just be careful not to accidentally join a cult. Check for any suspicious robe requirements and remember, Geminis look better in regular clothes.

Your analytical skills will be put to the test this week. You’ll try to figure out the meaning of life, solve world hunger, and design a more efficient way to fold fitted sheets. Take it easy, Virgo. Some things are better left to the universe, and folding fitted sheets might just be one of them.

Adventure awaits, Sagittarius! You’ll stumble upon a hidden treasure map, embark on a quest, and discover the legendary lost remote control. Remember, not all treasure is gold. Some treasures are cozy blankets, a bowl of popcorn, and binge-watching your favorite show.

Pisces

Brace yourself, Pisces, because your quirky side will be in full force this week. You’ll have an uncontrollable urge to wear mismatched socks, break into spontaneous dance routines, and debate the existence of unicorns at social gatherings. Embrace your uniqueness and remember to invite others into your magical world.