Horoscopes

Aries Taurus Gemini

Pat black cats this week. Especially the one in the MAWSA building. Who said black cats were bad luck?

Try switching to the other end of your bed. You’re getting set in you ways.

Look out for free food this week (who doesn’t love free snacks?).

Order the spanakopita in Tussock Cafe. Feta, spinach goodness. Better than sex, if you’re getting any good sex.

Practice self-love this week. Love Island and pizza in bed all Saturday? You deserve it.

Someone is going to turn up in your life (not at your house, not in the creepy way) and cause good changes. Don’t resist it.

Time to buy a new bikini (or speedos). You’ll look so hot; the sun will come out and makeup for a crappy summer.

You’ve been living in your comfort zone too long. Take a risk and join a random new club on Clubs Day. The weirder the better.

You will have great sex this week. Or you will buy a vibrator. Both options are good.

Avoid mayonnaise this week. You’ll thank me for it one day.

Carry yourself with the confidence of a mediocre white man. You deserve to shine.

Chips go best with tomato sauce, not mayonnaise. You’ll thank me for it one day.