Basic Witch

A humble review brought to you by a local Witch-aboutWellington, reviewing the places and things that will help you develop your pagan practices, revel in your arcane knowledge, and ascend to your highest self. While reflecting on the recent Massey Clubs day, I was taken back to my own university days. I graduated from the most prestigious school for young Witches in the entire Wellington region (yes, it’s the one you’re thinking of) with a Certificate in Witchcraft first class, majoring in Spells and Hexes and with a minor in Cryptozoology. Of course, this was long before Massey had a Wellington campus, otherwise I would have just gone there and got a BA in Liberal Arts. In honour of Clubs Day, I have included one club to my usual list of review categories.

By Tui Lou Christie (she/they)

Event:

Newtown Festival

5 stars ★ ★ ★ ★ ★

Newtown Festival is usually one of my favourite events of the whole year anyway, but I was absolutely blown away by this year’s array of stallholders and food carts. Walking just two blocks up Riddiford street, I was able to purchase most of the key ingredients I need to make several of my pantry staples, like Cure-All Ale (brewer’s yeast, paua fritters, and peppermint oil), Wolfsbane (black tea and bratwurst), and Love Potion (sheep bones and red liquorice). Talk about convenience!

Restaurant:

Denny’s Porirua

5 stars ★ ★ ★ ★ ★

I went here with my human familiar on Valentine’s day, for educational purposes. Caustically American and hypnotically Caucasian, Denny’s has the atmosphere of an aging US vicepresident whose body is slowly crumbling in hospice care. If your plate has five foods on it, they will all be the same texture. I cannot recommend it highly enough.

Album:

Modern

Gregorian Chants vol. 1 by Melisma Corpus & the Funky Bunch

4 stars ★ ★ ★ ★

This up-and-coming group of melophonic plainchant singers rock my world! Track 5, “Sanctus IV in e flat” is my summer anthem. I like to listen to this album while doing my daily de-stress ritual of covering myself in loose handfuls of damp earth. Listen with headphones on!

Club:

Khandallah Bowls Club

2 star ★ ★

I’ll admit, I came here by accident. I misread it as the Khandallah Bowels Club and I was looking forward to sharing tips on ritualistic slaughter with other witches. It turns out, ‘bowls’ (officially ‘lawn bowls’) is a game that involves old white people rolling balls along a well-kept lawn while wearing sun visors. While my disappointment is immeasurable, the people were perfectly pleasant and the wine was exceptionally cheap, so it wasn’t a wasted Saturday.