Massive Magazine 2015 Volume 4 Issue 6 by Massive Magazine

FREE MAGAZINE ISSUE 6

3D PRINTING

SEX ETIQUETTE

GENDER DIVERSITY

DIFFICULT FLATMATES

ASK GURU RETURNS

EDITORIAL 02

Letters to the editor

Editorial

LOCAL NEWS 04

In short

Events feed

Wellington local

Manawatu local

Auckland local

FEATURES 14

3D printers: The past the now and the future

Sussing sticky sexual situations

How to conquer the second-hand market

Photo feature: Tam Kogler

REVIEWS COLUMNS

Local Travel: Waipukurau

Representative Chic

Food Blog: Charlotte Royale Cake and Basic Bruschetta

Uni Mum

Ask Guru

Expressive Arts

FRIENDS QUIZ

LETTERS TO THE EDITOR DEAR EDITOR, HOWDY THERE! As a student returning to campus after an extramural semester, one of the small delights I’d forgotten about was the Massive Magazine. Grabbing one on the way out of the gym as a dual purpose oh-shit-it’sraining-I-should-have-brought-an-umbrella paper-saviour and bus-stop reading material, I started a familiar journey into the pages of student flavoured relevance. But low and behold, the letters to the editor section was brimming with the salty flavour of SJW bullshit buzzwords, fresh from a gender studies lecture. And as a likely result, the Guru section I’ve come to know and love, and the column penned by, I think it was Dick Hardy (or something similar) were both absent, seemingly shouted down by the Tumblr thought-police. What gives? The might not be sections catered to everyone’s tastes, but just because I don’t dig the art section I don’t bitch about it; I turn the page. Offence is never given, only taken, and it seems like they’ve taken it pretty far. As Steve Hughes said: “What happens if you say that and someone gets offended? Well, they can be offended. What’s wrong with being offended? When did sticks and stones may break my bones stop being relevant? Now we have adults going “I was offended! I was offended, and I have rights!” So what? Be offended, nothing happens. Will Guru and DH be returning at some point, or are they retired to a barstool somewhere to spin yarns where the ethereal toaster-kin allies won’t go for fear of being eye-raped? Yours politically incorrectly, some macroaggressive oppressive shitlord

DEAR EDITOR,

I found the article, written by Carwyn Walsh about flatter’s rights, to be really informative at a crucial time for me. To put in simply, I live in a bit of a shithole. It’s cold, has leaks, and a draft comes through like it was invited. A whole lot of stuff was broken, and the landlords were useless. Along with my flatmates, we were sick of them not responding, and putting off fixing the blatant problems. We had a dilemma though, we really did not want to be evicted, especially in the middle of this crispy season. One of my flatmates read the article and told us all about some potential solutions. We had never thought about actually approaching the owners of the property, so we did, and it was a great success. Our flat is slowly but surely being fixed! Hallelujah!

I am writing to you today on behalf of the members of the Minority Letters Association. When reading your latest issue, our key members, Wayne, Xander, and Yvette were horrified to notice the offensively low use of the letter W. I feel you gave other minority letters adequate exposure, but when it came to W, your ignorance appalled me. I am aware that W is only worth four points in Scrabble, but please remember that four points becomes 12 when you get a triple word score. You need to take the power of the collective into account, please do not just treat this as an individual case. I am not only concerned about your minor use of the letter W. When it is used, for example on page 12 of your latest edition, it is overused, used aggressively, and improper capitalisation is used, causing imbalance between the lower and uppercase – why can’t we all be equal? I can see that you did try and represent this letter in your Whanganui and Wellington articles, but I feel like that was forced, not a choice, so it doesn’t count. Please try and be more inclusive of all minority letters in the future. I want a magazine that I can be proud of, and minority alphabetism does not allow me to do that.

Kind regards, Sarah Holis

Kind regards, W.X Williams

EVERYONE’S A WINNER! MASSIVE would love to hear from you. You can drop your letters into any students’ association office, or email them to editor@massivemagazine.org.nz . Alternatively, you could play Harry Potter: pretend the nearest bird you find is an owl, and ask it nicely to deliver your letter to us, down our imaginary chimney. Whatever method you choose, if your letter reaches us, and is published, you will win a bag of People’s coffee. To claim your prize, flick us an email.

EDITORIAL

$UP HOMIES, My name is Lil’ Kim, what’s good? I am currently tapping this out while lying in bed, wrapped up in blankets like a burrito. I am as sick as a dog, and although my cough echoes through the house, I don’t want to be anywhere else but my snuggly bed. The rest of my flat is freezing; I can see my breath when I cough, laugh, or breathe. As a young duckling I used to show people when I could see my breath, thinking I was a joker because it looked like I was smoking. At 21, in the depths of the harsh Wellington Winter, this

is no longer a laughing matter. This month, I heard that Housing Minister Dr Nick Smith strengthened the Residential Tenancies Act by setting new requirements that all landlords must provide floor and ceiling insulation in all flats by mid-2019. The changes also meant that all rental properties would be required to have smoke alarms fitted by July 1, 2016. Although this announcement has taken far too long and although more could be done to enhance the quality of our rentals, it is a very positive move. As almost every student lives in a flat, it shows that our government ....actually cares for our wellbeing. Even .........though our landlords may not want .........to dent their bank balance, which we ..........give a hefty top up every week, they ..........now legally have to put in the coin to ...........keep us cosy.

The current combo of thin walls, lowquality flats, and frosty mornings is worrying. At this time of year you can easily hear the students before you see them, as the lecture theatres sound like they are filled with a choir of coughers. When living at my fully insulated home, I was rarely unwell. I know first-hand, that a cold, damp flat is a huge contributing factor to this interrupting sickness. Yes, it would be magical if Dr Nick Smith and “our mate John”, decided to dig deeper and provide heatpumps and spa pools for all flats, but I think my expectations are a little high. For now, this is a move in the right direction. I hope that in the future, da boiz will continue to think of the hardship of being a cold, broke, student on the struggle bus, and keep providing the goods. This month, we check out the latest news from your campus; discuss sex etiquette; explore the futuristic world of 3D printing; provide plenty of beautiful art for your walls, and much more. Until next time,

HAVE YOUR VOICE HEARD Here at MASSIVE, we aim to represent the diverse student body, and produce a publication that all students can be proud of. As the editor, I cannot identify every potential harmful piece of content, so I would love some help. I am looking for a group of students who have a diverse range of views and backgrounds, who can assist me with a content screening process before the magazine goes to print. Your voice would be very valuable in helping us provide a magazine that informs, entertains, and causes no harm. If you are interested, please email me at editor@ massivemagazine.org.nz . Please be in contact ASAP, as applications will close on August 18.

IN SHORT MALE, FEMALE, OR GENDER DIVERSE? Name: Rachel Purdie. Age: 22. Male or female: Female. The last is a seemingly simple answer, yet many do not have the option of selecting their identity at all. Up until July 17 the choice had largely been binary, but Statistics New Zealand have taken a huge step forward in extending the boundaries of male and female by including a third choice: gender diverse. A spotlight has been on gender identification and relationships for some time now, with events of a similar nature being discussed more frequently in the public forum; the United States of America recently legalised same sex marriage across all states, Caitlyn Jenner has become an example for transgender people, and Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt face scrutiny for allowing their eldest child to choose their own gender identity. The terminology decided upon, ‘gender diverse’, may draw negative attention from some, however, it serves as an umbrella term. Identity involves how a person feels and experiences their gender, and an alternative such as ‘transgender’ may be too pointed, whereas ‘other’ or ‘unidentified’ can be seen as demeaning. The classification also offers further sub categories for definition, as explained on gaynz.com: “gender diverse not further defined, transgender male to female, transgender female to male, gender diverse not elsewhere classified.”

Two years ago New Zealand legalised same sex marriage, and although this may seem to be a small step, this is representative of a bigger movement towards a greater acceptance of those whose gender identity may be different from what they were assigned at birth. While I do not presume to understand the difficulty some face answering a question such as this, I am all for New Zealand moving in the right direction. By recognising that the constricted binaries of male and female don’t accurately reflect everyone’s identities, New Zealand is becoming a world leader in the recognition of evolving sexual identities. While the term has been set as a gender standard for government organisations collecting and sharing information, it is not yet mandatory and is only recommended. Here’s hoping that it will create a change throughout other data gathering means over time.

OPINION: BEING A GROWN-UP I came home recently and found my flatmates were enjoying a glass of red wine with their dinner. I found it strange, as they weren’t going out on this particular Tuesday, but were instead just having one drink. I responded with “you guys are such grownups.” We’ve always wanted to grow up. When we were 12 we wanted to be 15, when we were 15 we craved 18. We wanted breasts, not nipple buds, we wanted to fall in love,

to design our own home, to stay out with no curfew. But then, 18 arrives and we are officially an adult. Yeah, I thought I was an adult when I hit 15 and was issued my young adult library card, but really, 18 officially marks the transition to adulthood. It can be a bit daunting really. I, for one, started to question the appropriateness of certain “childish” behaviours, once I turned 18. Was it still acceptable to play on the playground, to eat with your fingers, to laugh when witnessing someone receiving a wet willy? To me, yes, turning 18 meant adulthood, but didn’t necessarily make me feel like a grown-up. The perks of being 18 include freedom, but adulthood also brings a great amount of responsibility and pressure. Looking back at what we thought it’d be to grow up, essentially we wanted responsibilities. When can you consider yourself to be a grown-up? Is it a particular age, a certain milestone? Some people define a grown-up as having reached a certain stage of life. Some say that when you own a house, graduate, get your first job, get married, or give birth, you’ve become a grown-up. A friend said that to be a grown-up is to become a woman, and to become a woman, to her, means giving birth. Humming along with this tune, lots of people consider themselves to be a grown-up once they have full responsibility of themselves. To many I spoke with, it’s no longer relying on their parents, and fending for themselves. A friend said that the first time she felt

like a grown-up was when she first took her dad out for a coffee, and paid for it. On that same note, I temporarily thought that I was a grown-up once, when my taste-buds altered and I started to consume coffee for leisure. For others, it’s not just about refusing to let mum pay for your pyjamas – it’s a shift in attitude. Having the maturity to deal with tricky situations; having the balls to own a mistake and apologise. It’s thinking of others before yourself, and acknowledging all varying opinions. So when you sit in your office chair wearing a blazer, when you hold in your farts at sleepovers, are you a grown-up yet? Maybe some of us will just never grow up.

They will never stop finding it funny to draw a penis on their mate’s textbook, they will always get a thrill out of planting a whoopee cushion on someone’s chair. Looking back to my 15-year-old idea of what a grown-up was, I have apparently reached it. I no longer rely on my parents’ cash flow, I have a full-time job, pay tax, live in my own place, and I can stay up all night, with no fear of getting growled at by mother bear. Yet, I still don’t feel like a grown-up. I think it’s a mind-set that constantly evolves with the individual. Maybe I’ll never grow up. What’s your definition? By Brooklyn Diaz

WIN STUFF! This month we are giving away a double pass to the Auckland Zoo, and 10 double passes to the Wellington Zoo. Download the MASSIVE Magazine app to find out how to get in the draw to win. You can download the app by searching ‘Massive Magazine’on Google Playstore, or the App Store.

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EVENTS FEED WELLINGTON CAMPUS Cultural Food day: August 5, 11am-2pm, Pyramid. Impressive interview skills: Wednesday August 5, 10am-11:30am, Flax room. Come and learn how to prepare and present effectively at an interview.

Study Up workshops: August 5, 6, 11, 12, 13. Develop

ASA Annual General Meeting: Wednesday August 5,

TSCF Meeting: Wednesdays, 12:00-13:00, AT5.

12pm, ASA Lounge. All students encouraged to attend

Christians who hang out together on campus. Anyone who

– pizza provided! For more info please contact ASA VP,

would like to find out about Jesus is welcome. Chat, pray,

James Speedy: avp@asa.ac.nz

study the bible together, and do social things as well.

ASA Executive Nominations for 2016: Open from

Chess Club: Tuesdays, 16:00-17:00, Village Campus

August 5-21. Get nominated, and then get elected! For

(opposite Engineering reception) A group of students

valuable academic skills by attending these online

more info please contact: ASA VP, James Speedy: avp@

who get together to play social chess. Beginners or experts

workshops, open to all students. Find out more at https://

asa.ac.nz

are welcome. Contact Jordan.k.lewis@live.com for more

connect.massey.ac.nz/studyup

MACS Speaker Series - Shuzanah Abdeen, marketing association education quality manager: Wednesday

information.

a non-perishable food item, such as a tin of peaches or a

August 19, 12:30pm. Location: QA1. Learn about the

Domain 2. For more information check out www.

bag of rice, to pay off your library fines. The food then gets

Marketing Association’s Brand Challenge, and the benefits

facebook.com/groups/MasseyUniRugby/ .

donated to a food bank at the end of the week.

of a student membership. For more info please contact:

Food for fines week at the library: August 17. Donate

Food truck week: August 19. Check out MAWSA’s Facebook page for more details.

Massey University Open Day: August 28, starts at 8:30am.

Kokiri Ngatahi Kai and Korero: Wednesdays, 12:0013:00, Whanau Room

Massey Wellington Life Drawing Club: Every Thursday

Northern, Oteha Valley Road Extension. Come play

group www.facebook.com/groups/macsalbany/

social tennis with the Tennis Club. $2 pay to play.

University Futsal Championship: August 28 - 30,

Coaching available. Rain or shine, as there are indoor

Friday, Saturday, and Sunday (Specific times are yet to

courts available. Contact Mua.tennis@gmail.com for more

be made available). Location: Massey University Sports

information.

Hall. Come and support Massey University! Games will be streamed live at www.stuff.co.nz/sport/football. For more info please follow at www.facebook.com/MAFF10

com/groups/MasseyWellingtonLifeDrawing for the

or email masseyunifootball@gmail.com

Anime and Manga Club: Meet Thursdays 17:00 in

Tennis Club: Wednesdays, 12:00-14:00, Tennis

macsmassey@gmail.com or join the MACS Facebook

of the semester, 18:00-20:00 Check out www.facebook. location.

Rugby Club training: Thursdays, 17:00, QBE Stadium,

BSG Meeting: Wednesdays, 12:00pm - 01:00pm, contact bsg@massey.ac.nz

Volleyball Club: Sundays, 12:30 – 14:30 Recreation Centre Sports Hall

MANAWATU CAMPUS Massey Open Day: August 5, starts at 8am. MUSA Clubs Council Meeting: August 6, 5 to 6:30pm,

Walking Group: Thursdays, 12-30pm-1pm. A great

MUSA Lounge.Find out how your student fees are spent

way to get some exercise into your day and to meet other

and have a say in spending them to benefit students! To

Kaibosh is a food redistribution charity that redistributes

Recreation Centre members, Massey University staff and

food to people who need it. All the food that we get is still

students. All abilities welcomed. Meet at the Recreation

org.nz

usable and aimed at students in hardship. Come get it!

Centre reception at 12:30pm

5C12. Watch anime, discuss and play games.

Free food: Wednesdays, all day, MAWSA office.

Kitesurfing Club: Meet Wednesdays 3-7pm, Block 12. K-pop Club: Meet Mondays 17:00 in 5C12 Massey Association of Pasifika Students (MAPS): Meet Tuesdays, 12-1pm in the PI Room.

Massey Magic the Gathering Club: Thursdays, ASA Lounge, 17:00

Badminton Club: Tuesdays, 17:30 – 19:30 Recreation Centre Sports Hall

Ultimate Frisbee Club: Tuesdays, 17:00 – 19:00

AUCKLAND CAMPUS Study Up workshops: August 4, 5, 6, 11, 12, 13. Develop valuable academic skills by attending these online workshops, open to all students. Find out more at https:// connect.massey.ac.nz/studyup

ASA Hollywood Ball: Thursday August 20, 6pm-

Recreation Centre Sports Hall

Toastmasters Breakfast Meeting: Wednesdays, 07:15 – 08:30 Student Lounge

Saudi Club: Thursdays 19:30 – 21:30 Recreation Centre Sports Hall

Massey Albany Football Federation (MAFF): Saturdays

Red Cross Blood Donation Services: 11 &12 August, all day, MUSA Lounge. Give a little! To register and more info, info please contact Debra. Buchanan@nzblood.co.nz

Unity in Diversity: 14 August, 6:30 pm, show starts at 7pm, Globe Theatre, Main Street. Aerial stunts, shaking booties, undulating hips, charangas and stomps: let your fellow students entertain you! Tickets 10$ at the door or by contactingclubs@musa.org.nz

Halls Ball: Friday August 14, 8pm-11:59pm. Social event for halls student and their partners. This year’s theme is circus/carnival. Tickets are $50. Live band,

12:00am, Auckland Museum Events Centre. Theme:

14:30 – 16:30 Recreation Centre Sports Hall

photographer, nibbles, transport to and from the venue,

Hollywood 1940s. Tickets, which include a sit down

limbo prize draw for first 300 tickets sold.

dinner, can be bought online and at the ASA student

Massey University Chinese Basketball Association (MUCBA): Sundays 10:00 – 12:00 Recreation Centre

reception. Plus one tickets are available. Buy your ticket

Sports Hall

Concourse. Free food to warm you up! Brought to you by

now to be in for a night to remember. For more info please contact: ASA President, Byron Brooks: president@ asa.ac.nz

Drafting and writing the thesis: Wednesday August

Netball Club: Wednesdays, 17:00-18:00, Recreation Centre Sports Hall

Rockclimbing Club: Meet Mondays at 6pm at the

Mid-Winter Food Festival: 19 August, 11-2pm, your fellow clubs! Clubs interested in participating, please contact clubs@musa.org.nz

NZ Mountain Film Festival: 9 September, 5 pm, Rugby

carpool car park. Then we head out to Extreme Edge in

Institute. An Alpine Club Fundraiser bringing you the

5, 12-1:30pm, Library Seminar Room. This workshop,

Panmure, arriving back on campus around 10:30pm. (ASA

best of Mountain Films from New Zealand. For tickets

specifically for post-grads, covers organising the thesis,

Van & carpool)We’ve negotiated a special discounted

and more information, contact president@muac.org.nz

writing the complete first draft,a nd what characteristics

entry fee of $11 per session. For more info about the club

make a good thesis. Registrations are essential. Contact

contact James Speedy: mua.rockclimbing@gmail.com

L.Sevillano@massey.ac.nz.

Swimming Club: Saturdays, 13:00-15:00. Lido Aquatic Centre. Contact muswimclub@gmail.com for details. Keep an eye on the Massey University app to keep up with other events as they pop up.

WELLINGTON LOCAL NEWS CAREER ADVOCATES SYSTEM SUCCEEDING Career development consultant, Grant Verhoeven, has established a Career Advocates system, and so far it has been beneficial to both Massey Career Services, and the students. According to Grant, “the idea is to make the Career and Employment Service more relevant and attractive to students. We want to hear what is important to them, in terms of what they want out of the workshops and other services we offer. “ The idea started at the beginning of the year after Grant talked to some fourth-year students and asked them what they wanted out of the Career and Employment Service. It was through this conversation that he realised the importance of the student voice, and thought it would be useful to have Career Advocates. “The more student involvement in Career Services, the better,” Grant says. The Career Advocates have the chance to provide input into what topics they want to hear about, help with promotion of the events, and help run them. Not only does this programme benefit the career advocates, giving their CV a boost, it also helps out students, as their feedback is being heard and passed on, meaning they are rewarded with quality and relevant workshops. Through the help of the Career Advocates, Grant is recognising the specific interests of each cohort of the university, and is now able to cater to these with the workshops he chooses to run.

“They’ve been really helpful in terms of content and timing. I’ve found out, for example, that VCD students have spare time on Friday mornings, so that is now when I run the workshops.” He also discovered that the main areas that the fourth-year design students wanted to focus on were: portfolio building, LinkedIn, business and freelancing, and industry connections. From this feedback, Grant ran a workshop for fourth-year students that focused on building a portfolio – an incredible 55 students attended. Although this pilot programme is still in its early stages, currently only covering design and fashion, Grant can see a promising future. He looks at it as more of an “evolution” and hopes to expand the programme so that it covers all areas of the university. “Just like the Class Advocate system, which has really taken off, peer to peer interaction is key. Students are much more likely to get involved if their peers are encouraging them to go, or raving about how good a workshop was.” In the future, Grant says he is keen to engage with students and hear what they want from Careers Services. If you want to become a careers advocate, please contact Grant at g.verhoeven@massey.ac.nz Also, make sure you sign up to Career Hub (careerhub.massey.ac.nz) as it’s the best way to keep up to date with everything that’s happening in relation to Career Services.

CLUBS DAY FILLS THE PYRAMID The heavenly smell of popcorn and candyfloss wafting from the Pyramid drew huge crowds to the semester two Clubs Day on July 22. Generally, when students know there will be free food available at an event, they flock to it, but this time the food wasn’t the only drawcard. 11 MAWSA-affiliated clubs set up fun stalls in order to promote their club to the Massey Wellington student body. According to clubs coordinator Sarah Wang, not all clubs attended, but there were enough there to “create a buzz”, and she says it was an “exciting day, full of flavour and fun”. All stalls took advantage of hungry and poor students by luring them in with the offering of free treats. The effort in showing up proved worthwhile, as all clubs signed up new members. From behind the barbecue, having lovingly handed out many a sausage, MAWSA president Tom Pringle said the event had been a “sizzling success”. “Events like these are a great way to showcase the wide range of clubs we have here on campus.” Pringle was also the judge of the inter-club rap battle, which proved to be a highlight of the event. To be in to win a share of the prize pool, representatives from each club had to perform a rap about how their club enhanced life on campus. Wang hosted the battle, and was suitably impressed with the competitors’ confidence. “It takes a lot of courage to get up and speak

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WELLINGTON LOCAL NEWS in front of others, let alone rap a wee ditty.” Film Club said you should join their club because they have a “movie night every week, and it won’t be bleak”. Unfortunately, his rhyming efforts couldn’t nab him a top three position, with K-Pop, Uni-Q and MAPS taking out 1st, 2nd and 3rd places respectively. Wang suggests all students be part of a club, as they are an important part of university life. “It gives you an opportunity to meet people, try something new, and also it’s good for your own wellbeing. Uni shouldn’t just be about study; you should be able to have a good work-life balance, work hard, play hard.” To check out all 30 clubs on campus, visit mawsa.org.nz. If you want to start your own club, please contact clubs@mawsa.org.nz.

TRUCK YEAH – THEY’RE RETURNING! With the first Food Truck Week proving to be a huge success, the MAWSA Events Committee is bringing them back on three separate occasions this semester. Over 300 students enjoyed fine cuisine from the five food trucks that came to campus between 5-8pm in week 11 and 12 of semester one, which is hand in week for many Wellington students. According to board member, Melanie Kennedy, the Events Committee decided to trial out bringing in food trucks after the idea was “bounced around within the events team”, which is made up of students. They then posed the idea to all students on the MAWSA Facebook page and received

extremely positive feedback. Kennedy was not surprised with this feedback, saying that students have always wanted after-hours quality food options. “Once Tussock closes, there are no food places in close proximity to the campus except for the dairy.” The reason the committee decided to bring the food trucks in for hand-in week, was that more students are on campus late at night and, as Kennedy says, “we want to ensure that they are eating proper meals. In times of high stress, and little time, students tend to eat shitty food or not eat at all.” As well as happy and full students, tutors also got involved – as they are also working long hours. The food trucks that came in semester one were: Chimney Cakes, Nannys, Greek Food Truck, The Fire Truck, and Antojitos. They all provided a wide range of quality meals at an affordable price. Kennedy confirms that this semester we will be seeing some of the favourites as well as some “new kids on the block”. If you’re already salivating at the thought of this divine cuisine, don’t fret, you don’t have long to wait. The food trucks will be returning between 5-8pm on August 19,20, and 21, and again on October 7, 8, 9, 14,15, and 16. To keep yourself in the loop, check out the MAWSA Facebook page. MAWSA events coordinator, Holly Dodson, says “with the positive feedback so far we are looking at other alternatives that will provide after-hours food options.” So, keep your eyes peeled, and stay hungry!

Student Job Search (SJS) is the leading service for casual, part time & summer work for New Zealand Tertiary Students. SJS is FREE for all Massey University students to use thanks to your Students’ Associations. Register with SJS and start looking for jobs today or apply to the jobs below by heading to our website www.sjs.co.nz

Wellington Fashion / Design Students Wanted! This cool new brand needs fashion/design students to help sew hand bags that are recycled and a sustainable design. To be considered you must be either studying in a related field or have sewing experience, and have access to a commercial sewing machine. The handbags you will be creating are basic but there will be no training provided so you must be able to get straight on with the job. Hours are flexible to fit around your studies and you can work from home. Payment will be $20 per bag completed. Apply using the job number: 103693964

Support Work IDEA Services provide support for people with intellectual disabilities so they can live, learn, work and enjoy life as part of a community. They need a number of students to help assist people in learning life skills and attending activities such as going to the library, going to the gym, swimming, dancing, watching a rugby game or going shopping at a mall. They currently have part-time hours available after school, in the weekends and during school holidays (10-25 hours per fortnight). Starting wage is $15.77. Apply using the job number: 103673106

MANAWATU LOCAL NEWS BY CARWYN WALSH CLUBS DAY A ROARING SUCCESS A NASA spacecraft beamed back fresh images of Pluto on the first Wednesday of the new semester. That same Wednesday on the Manawatu campus, students gathered in the MUSA Lounge and dining hall for the bi-annual, MUSA organised Clubs Day. The event kicked off shortly before midday, and students mingled among the many stalls with the alluring scent of complimentary candyfloss wafting through the air. Representatives of 63 of the 65 MUSA affiliated clubs and organisations were in attendance, including the Debating Club, the always popular Anime Society and the various eccentrics that make up the Accounting Club. The Massey Fire Club (Circus Arts enthusiasts, not pyromaniacs) proved to be particularly eye-catching with their various stunts that included whips, fire, and stilts. Complimentary kit was cunningly used by club representatives to attract punters to their stalls. Free smiles, sweets and pens were particularly popular, although the rumoured free scalp massages never materialised. The Young Nats and Young Labour backed on to each other in the MUSA Lounge and both gave out free bottle-openers as enticers to passing students. The Young Nats believed that their bottle-opener was superior to the one offered by Young Labour, calling their design “environmentally sustainable”, “fiscally sensible” and a “great promoter of individual responsibility”.

Young Labour rubbished these claims, saying that their design was sponsored by “grassroots donors” not “millionaires and billionaires” and that their bottle opener was “stronger” and will “last longer”. Logan Speedy of the Massey the Gatherer Club (a grouping of Magic the Gathering card-game enthusiasts) reported that his club were using the day to rejuvenate numbers with many of their members having left Palmerston North after recently graduating. Judging by the many fresh signatures on his clipboard, Speedy’s efforts appeared to be going well. Gunhild Litwin, MUSA’s club development officer, said, through a translator, that “there’s a great mix of clubs and organisations on the Manawatu campus.” “Despite the weather”, said Litwin, “today was a success and a great showcase of all of our clubs.”

RAMADAN CELEBRATED ON CAMPUS The Massey Muslim Society extended a warm welcome to non-Muslim students and members of the public to attend an evening celebration of Ramadan Iftar on July 13. Ramadan is a holy month of fasting observed by practicing Muslims throughout the world. Muslims participating in the month must abstain from food and water from dawn until dusk and, according to Rashad Syed, the president of Massey Muslim Society, this fasting encourages “God-consciousness, humility, charity, and perseverance”. Observant Muslim adults are expected to

take part, although exceptions are made for the elderly, sick, pregnant or breast-feeding and menstruating women, and those Muslims who are travelling at the time. Those invited to the evening took part in an informal Iftar (fast-breaking meal) held at the Manawatu campus mosque. Syed said that the Iftar invitational evening is held annually at the mosque for nonMuslims so they can be educated about what Ramadan is all about. Members of the public in attendance included students, MUSA, and Massey staff, as well as representatives from the Christian Chaplaincy and the Palmerston North and Taihape police. MUSA manager Craig Black was happy to be invited, saying: “MUSA, as an organisation, likes to celebrate all their students with all their different traditions.” After an azan (call to prayer) led by Mohamed Badri, a post-graduate plant systematics student, an appetiser of fruit, flavoured milk, and dates imported from Tunisia was offered to everyone. Following this, the invitees watched on as their hosts took part in a short salāt (communal worship), before an online video was played showing a few verses, or Ayah’s, from the Quran. The online teaching was given by Nouman Ali Khan, a well-known Muslim scholar, and a block of chocolate was awarded to a local policeman who could recall, with the most clarity, what the day’s teaching centred on. A meal of biryani (a rice-based dish with lamb) was then offered to all attendees before

a dessert of kheer (a sweet rice-based dish with almonds and caramelised milk) was brought out to conclude the evening. During the eating of the meal, nonMuslim and Muslim mixed freely and conversed over a wide range of topics. The evening’s festivities were concluded with Syed thanking all those invited for their attendance. The invitees, all of whom were nursing rather bloated stomachs, left with their appetites sated and with many a fond farewell from their hosts.

EXHIBITION HIGHLIGHTS POVERTY IN PALMERSTON NORTH Poverty in Palmerston North was highlighted in an evening event, held on July 2, on the ground floor of the Palmerston North City Library. The event, ‘Poverty in the City’, was organised by Kevin Reilly of the Manawatu Tenants’ Union and attracted a crowd of over 50 people. Reilly took guests around the large photographic exhibition that featured individuals and families struggling with poverty. The subjects in the photographs had, said Reilly, “fallen on hard times” and suffered from a “lack of decent accommodation” and a “shortage of money”. The photographs displayed a diverse range of individuals – one man was a recent refugee arrival to New Zealand, another was homeless and begged on the streets and one, said Reilly, was a highly-educated man suffering from the effects of mental illness.

The event also featured various speakers who all spoke on the issue of poverty and how it had come about in New Zealand. Rangitaane iwi kaumatua Wiremu Kingi Te Awe Awe spoke about how he remembered a different New Zealand where “everyone had a job” and everyone was “reasonably middle-class”. Lawrence O’Halloran spoke on behalf of the Catholic diocese of Palmerston North and labelled poverty in New Zealand “a matter of shame”. O’Halloran blamed a more “individualised society” for helping make poverty less of an issue, saying that the “segregation of the poor” had meant the “non-poor of New Zealand have no everyday experience of the poor in their society.” Kathleen Stevens, herself suffering from the effects of poverty, spoke about her everyday struggle to live. Stevens suffers from arthritis, asthma and high-blood pressure and could not afford to pay her medical bills, lives off of $20 worth of food a week and can only afford one meal a day. Stevens never “parties, smokes or drinks” and had “contemplated suicide” many times in the past. Reilly concluded the speaking aspect of the event by saying that real solutions to poverty in New Zealand need to occur. “It should have nothing to do with the National Party or the Labour Party”, said Reilly, “we (the people of New Zealand) have got to do more.” MUSA were represented at the event by student advocate Kerry Howe and president Linsey Higgins.

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AUCKLAND LOCAL NEWS BY JULIA BRAYBROOK 2016 ASA EXECUTIVE TEAM NEEDED Nominations for next year’s executive team on the Auckland campus are open soon. 2015 Albany Students’ Association (ASA) president, Byron Brooks, said that students would be able to hand their nominations in to the ASA from August 5-21. He said that a good candidate for the ASA 2016 executive team “is someone who wants to help all students at Massey University, make a difference, and wants to better the community”. He encouraged students to “do it” as “it is an incredible experience and is very rewarding”. Brooks said that during his time as president, he had “learnt many new skills, from governance and running meetings to time management and organisation”. His advice to future ASA presidents was that “organisation is key”. 2015 social vice-president, Jonathan Sng, said that being part of the executive team this year had given him “the opportunity to contribute to the development of the culture and experience at Massey University.” “Many students aren’t fully aware of what the team do for them!...It has opened doors to new opportunities, introduced me to a variety of people and improved my project management and communication skills. Also it has been very rewarding to be able to provide fun and interactive events for students to leave long-lasting memories.” He suggested that students looking to join the 2016 executive team “should be committed and have the aim to improve the experience of students and represent them.” 2015 College of Business representative, Cecilia Cho, said that being part of the executive team gave her a “great opportunity

to meet students outside of my college” and that representing the College of Business meant that she was “able to network with a wide range of people,” including lecturers and support staff. She said that while the “opportunity comes with the great chance of increasing your interpersonal skills,” it also meant that “you do have to put in time and keep up your words.” She advised those students who were interested in joining the executive team to “analyse if you can afford the time and the effort, and you’ll be amazed about how much you can get out of it.” Information regarding the 2016 election would be posted on the ASA website, and those keen to get involved could visit the ASA office at Student Central, or talk to the one of the current 2015 executive team. The nomination period runs from August 5 to August 21, with voting opening September 18 and closing September 23.

ASA BALL GOES TO HOLLYWOOD The Albany Students’ Association (ASA) revealed the 2015 ball theme and location during the mid-semester break. The event, which is on August 20, will be held at Auckland Museum’s Events Centre with a Hollywood 1940s theme. Tickets are $75.00 per person, and include a sit-down buffet dinner and desserts. Transport to and from the venue could also be booked, with a cost of $10 per person. 2015 ASA president, Byron Brooks, said that the theme was chosen as “the 1940’s era for Hollywood was a very classy and glamorous time.” He said that the reaction so far had been “excitement” and that the “theme and location has been very well received”. When asked whether students

could expect anything on the night, such as the burlesque dancers at the 2014 Great Gatsby ball, he said that students would “have to wait and see”. However, he said that tickets sales had gone “faster than we expected and there aren’t many left.” He added that “if they continue going at the rate they are now, they will be sold out soon.” He advised students wanting to go to the ball to “get your tickets soon and keep up to date with ball developments on our [ASA] Facebook page.” The ASA Hollywood Ball is open to current Massey students, both internal and extramural, with plus one tickets available for non-Massey students, according to the ASA website. Tickets can be bought through the ASA’s website, or at ASA’s Student Lounge Reception. Those buying tickets online could pick their physical tickets up from the ASA reception.

THE MOST EXPENSIVE KFC ON CAMPUS The Golden Promise statue on Massey’s Auckland campus got a makeover over midsemester break. Albany Massey Engineering Student Society (AMESS) decorated the statue with a red bucket, turning the ‘chicken wing statue’ into KFC’s finest. AMESS’ Hayden Wilson said that “we do not like the chicken wing, and we don’t think it represents Massey University students in a nice light, while the chicken wing is pretty it is not suitable for us.” He said that they chose the KFC bucket as “it’s what we think of when we see that sculpture, it doesn’t remind us of a broken promise but instead of KFC.”

Wilson also said that the reaction to the newly-decorated statue had been “very positive”. “We know Massey staff and the custodians have loved it and many students have approached AMESS and expressed their liking of the bucket.” Students also took to Facebook to share their reaction to the statue, with one student commenting on Massey University’s Facebook post that “it’s the best thing to happen to that statue!” Another commented that it was “the most expensive KFC you’ll ever find.” Reaction to the statue was also positive in a video posted by the university, with those interviewed saying that they loved it and that “it’s fabulous”. When asked whether students could expect other pranks on campus this semester, Wilson said that “AMESS has a very full calendar this year, having already organised events such as Beer Pong, Laser Force and Pub Quiz and of course the chicken wing”. “I’m sure should we find the time to fit anything else into our calendar year, the student body should be well aware of it.” The controversial statue was commissioned to mark Massey’s golden jubilee, and was designed by Reuben Paterson. The statue symbolises the “protection and nurturing offered by the university to students at the campus,” according to a post on the university’s website.

STUDENTS SUPPORT SMOKE-FREE CAMPUS The majority of students at the Auckland campus support a smoke-free university. A survey carried out in July by the Albany Students’ Association to see “the students

reaction to a proposal to make the Massey University Albany Campus Smoke-Free” found that 4 out of 5 students surveyed would prefer the campus become smoke-free, according to the results of the survey. Of the students who voted to make the campus smoke-free, 40% “suggested moving the designated smoking areas” while 60% of those surveyed preferred smoking to be “completely prohibited. The current designated smoking areas on the East Precinct campus are in front of the Atrium, by the Study Centre, and the top bus stops. Most students also asked that all smoking products, including e-cigarettes, should be prohibited, with only 40% saying they believed that e-cigarettes should be allowed. 12% of those who responded were “smokers, e-cigarette, or tobacco consumers.” Comments from students surveyed included “this smoke-free policy is a healthy initiative that can provide healthy learning environment for students” and “either ban it completely or move it away from the main entrance.” Students also said that they’d “be happy if the main smoking area on the main campus was removed. You can’t work past without being accosted by the smoke, and it ruins a perfectly nice seating area.” Others said that “some sort of change is definitely necessary! I feel I inhale a lot of second hand smoke when walking to lectures.” If the Auckland campus implemented changes to make the campus smoke-free, it would be the fourth university in New Zealand to become smoke-free.

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3D PRINTERS: THE PAST, THE NOW, AND THE FUTURE IN BACK TO THE FUTURE 2, DOC BROWN AND MARTY MCFLY LAND IN 2015, TO FIND A FUTURISTIC LAND OF FLYING CARS AND HOVERCRAFTS. THEIR PREDICTIONS WEREN’T FAR OFF, AS THERE IS CURRENTLY SOME PRETTY HI-TECH STUFF OUT THERE. CARWYN WALSH EXPLORES THE WORLD OF 3D PRINTING.

When the floor was opened to questions at the recent New Zealand First gathering in Palmerston North, one particular question for Winston Peters stood out. A middle-aged gentleman asked Peters what his thoughts were on the potential of 3D printing technology. Falling outside the usual scope of questions centred mainly on gold cards and foreigners, the gentleman’s question was met by a chorus of geriatric sighs, and for once on that sunny Palmerston North day, the unflappable Peters could not provide an immediate answer. To be fair, Winston Peters is not the only one clueless over where the potential of 3D printers could take us. Many people, myself included, had only heard of these machines recently. What exactly are 3D printers and where could this exciting technology take us? Essentially, in layman’s term, 3D printers allow users to produce solid, three-

dimensional objects with the aid of computer and scanner technology. The process of 3D printing, or rapid prototyping, can take hours and even days for particularly complex items. Items are created layer by layer and a range of materials can be used to make the final product, such as plastic, nylon, titanium, steel, polycarbonate and even wax. 3D printing technology may have only come into vogue recently, but like the internet, this technology has taken a while to be fully appreciated by the wider public. The first prototype was produced back in 1980 by a moustachioed Japanese patent lawyer Dr Hideo Kodama. In one of the more colourful moments in the storied history of Japanese patent law, Dr Kodama bungled the paperwork of his patent application and the honour of the first patent for a 3D prototype went to Charles (Chuck) Hull, a moustachioed American engineer, in 1986. Chuck Hull co-founded 3D Systems,

which is now a multi-million dollar, and multinational corporation. Hideo Kodama, meanwhile, may still have his moustache and his dignity but he does not, however, even have his own Wikipedia page. The technology invented by these two has been harnessed throughout the years by all sorts of industries, including in the medical profession where exact mock-ups of patient’s body parts have been used to help assist surgeons. 3D printing has also been used in the fashion, automotive, and defence industries, and in the production of art. In 2011, researchers at England’s Exeter University really took the piss out of diabetics everywhere, when they created the first 3D chocolate printer. Molten chocolate was used in layers to create chocolate designs of any shape imaginable. Hershey’s Chocolate took the hint and with the help of that man Chuck Hull, are now selling their own 3D chocolate printer, the CocoJet, to an already

chronically obese American public As you can see, 3D printing technology can be used for just about anything. While browsing the internet to research this feature, I came across a rather bold declaration from one online enthusiast: “If you can draw it”, they said, “you can make it.” To my imagination, this phrase, far from arousing me, frightened me half to death. I suddenly envisioned my future house with its very own desktop 3D printer and loving family. Coming home from the pub one Sunday afternoon, I discover a fresh batch of scones lovingly made by my wife and/or husband. Drunkenly, I lather jam across these scones and suddenly discover a detailed sketch of a half-robotic, half-ape-like humanoid obviously created by my adopted foreign son, a supremely talented Cambodian boy who will one day impress me so much I might consider actually giving him a name. It’s only then that I realise that I cannot actually hear any of my family members in the home. I know something is seriously amiss when I discover my Cambodian son slumped dead outside across his hutch. I rush to the master bedroom and am taken aback somewhat when I find my wife and/ or husband missing her head and being

devoured by a life-size version of my son’s sketch. The beast then turns on me and I desperately try and fight him off with one of my wife and/or husband’s scones but eventually I am overcome. Slowly, methodically, the beast beats me to death with his erect mechanical cock. Will this ever happen? Is this what the potential of these machines could be? Will we, the human race, one day have to send someone back in time to knife to death Dr Kodama in front of his family? One man who won’t be going back in time and can, unlike me, give a credible and sane opinion on 3D printers and their potential is Blair Dixon, a mechatronics expert who works with 3D printers daily at Massey University’s School of Engineering and Technology. “Anyone”, says Dixon, “can buy a desktop 3D printer, download models from websites such as GrabCAD or Thingiverse, and 3d print them. Some examples of models people might download and print are phone cases, game figurines, kid’s toys and cable organisers.” “Unless you are a hobbyist/tinkerer the cost of a 3D printer isn’t really worth it for small items like that. You would be better off to upload it to somewhere like shapeways

or i.materialise (or even email it to Massey) and have them print it using a much higher quality machine, for a fraction of the price of a 3D printer.” So already, a 3D printer is available to every household who can afford one. Dixon opines that “the number of personal printers in homes will increase as access to 3D modelling software increases and material research has new breakthroughs.” However, owing to the currently pricey nature of the more complex machines on the market, most of the machines capable of producing really intricate designs remain, for the most part, the domain of private companies and businesses. For these businesses, however, the benefits of owning one of these more costly devices could prove to be immense. Dixon believes that 3D printers “make it much cheaper and faster to prototype products to be brought to market. This means that companies can save on R&D (research and development) costs and ultimately this means the consumer could save money. A lot of industries have been using 3D printing technology for years to evolve designs before going into production, now it is becoming easier for small companies to do the same.” Thus, 3D printers have the potential to

speed up the entrepreneurial efforts of small businesses which, for us humble consumers, could mean a wider range of new exciting and ultimately cheaper products. The future of 3D printing technology is very exciting if, as predicted by many pundits online, technically complex 3D printers become streamlined and accessible to us all. Our imaginations, it seems, could, in the future, be the only things restraining us from developing whatever it is we desire. Hopefully restraints will be put in place for those whose only real desire is to acquire a pocket-sized nuclear warhead. Following their initial invention in 1980, 3D printers have come a long way. They have changed more dramatically than Aucklandâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s housing prices. Hereâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s hoping that our future will be coloured beautifully by this amazing technology. Then, there will be no need for the past Dr Kodama to die in front of his family. Then, also, I will be able to genuinely promise the biological parents of my future Cambodian son that I will provide a better life for their child. A recipe to my future wife/husbandâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s scones will be shown in the next edition.

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SUSSING STICKY SEXUAL SITUATIONS SEX IS ONE THING THAT A MAJORITY OF HUMANS AND ANIMALS HAVE IN COMMON, YET IT’S OFTEN CONSIDERED AN UNCOMFORTABLE TOPIC TO DISCUSS. JULIA BRAYBROOK TALKS SEX ETIQUETTE.

Let’s talk about sex, baby, let’s talk about you and me, let’s talk about all the good things and the bad things, including some potentially awkward situations. I’m no Guru, but there are a trifecta of sex situations in which well, it’s not just the sex that can go wrong. Whether it’s ex-sex (your own, or a friend’s), sex as a guest, or sex outdoors, what exactly are the ‘rules’ and just how appropriate is it? Whether it’s crashing on a friend’s couch for Mardis Gras, or a longer vacay, sex at a friend’s is something that’s not exactly discussed before the visit. And while you’ve probably fornicated on a friend’s futon at some point, what is the etiquette surrounding it? A June article from Jezebel asked 19 etiquette experts about whether or not it was okay to have sex at someone’s house. Along with other constraints, Jezebel said that the urgency of said sex depended on where the couple in question was in their relationship: “Couples in the throes of early courtship often rightly feel the need to bone everywhere and should be sympathized with and admired. The solo traveller who happened to meet the perfect one-night stand may

be motivated by now-or-never constraints on the hookup and feel he or she needs to do whatever it takes, wherever it takes, and should also be treated with compassion. The more settled-in couple may never feel the need to broach the issue, because they’re fine not doing it for a night, but this could go the opposite way, too: Much like how people are always allegedly having sex at weddings and after funerals, sometimes it’s the inappropriate, inconvenient scenario that turns boring sex hot again for lots of people.” Much like the sex depended on the relationship of the couple, experts questioned were equally divided. Jay Remer, from Canada’s Etiquette Guy, argued that “of course it’s alright. This is the 21st century. Just be respectful and leave everything in better condition than when you arrived. If necessary, this may include washing a load of laundry.” Diane Gottsman, etiquette expert and owner of the Protocol School of Texas, said that “as a guest in someone’s home, discretion in all matters, including sex in the guest room, is paramount.” However, she added that “as a host, if you invite a couple to stay with you, it’s

not appropriate to dictate what they do in the privacy of the guest quarters. As long as property is not damaged, the noise level is minimal, and they are displaying a high level of respect to every aspect of your home, I’d suggest the host worry about another matter.” Lew Bayer, president of Civility Experts Worldwide, said that the appropriateness of the sex depended on three things: “First, how long you are staying? If it’s one night, surely you can go without a little nookie for 24 hours, whereas if you are staying for a week—and maybe if you’re newlyweds—the host might understand that there could be some hanky-panky. Next, where exactly are you staying? If you’re on the living room floor on a blow-up mattress and people have to walk through the living room to get to the bathroom, or if you’re in the guest room, which happens to be right next to a child’s bedroom and the walls are thin, best not to be indiscreet. Finally, consider the friend. If he or she just broke up with someone, or if he or she is an ex of either you or your partner, it’s pretty insensitive to make him or her endure your

I WILL EVEN LET YOU FUCK IN MY BED. NOT MY COUCH. I WATCH GAME OF THRONES THERE.

happy romping. Or if the friend is someone who is likely to talk about what he or she might have seen or heard, you may want to think twice before you get busy.” Finally, international etiquette consultant, Sharon Schweitzer, advised guests to “keep your thong on!” “Although getting hot and heavy with your partner at a friend’s home is not appropriate, it happens. Even if there is a lock on the door and a TV or DVD player available, some sounds are recognisable worldwide.” Commenters also couldn’t come to an agreement over sex as a guest. Tony Gunk was scarred by his experience with his sisterin-law’s antics in the bedroom, saying that he maintains that “if you have plans on screwing during a visit, then get your own place.” “Of course, I’m willing to admit that I might just not want to ever hear my wife’s sister having sex again, and that if it becomes generally frowned upon to engage in coitus

while a guest in someone’s small apartment, maybe next visit she won’t get it on next to my kid’s legos and Ninja Turtles.” On the other hand, Falconish First of Her Name said that she didn’t mind what guests got up to, so long as it stayed in the bedroom. “I’m fine with that happening in my spare bedroom I draw the line at common spaces though. The only one fucking on my couch is me and I don’t even do that...I will even let you fuck in my bed. Not my couch. I watch Game of Thrones there.” A friend’s house is one thing, but getting it on outdoors is literally a whole other game. While the risk factor can up the ante, it’s technically not entirely legal. According to Section 125 of the Crimes Act, “every one is liable to imprisonment for a term not exceeding two years who willfully does any indecent act in any place to which the public have or are permitted to have access, or within view of any such place.” Furthermore, according to Section 125.3, “the term place includes any railway carriage,

and also includes any ship, aircraft, or vehicle used for the carriage of passengers for hire or reward.” On the flip side, the Act also states that grounds for defense include “if the person charged proves that he or she had reasonable grounds for believing that he or she would not be observed.” As one poster said on New Zealand’s Legal Research website, “Legally it’s sort of a ‘if a tree falls in the forest and no one hears it, did it make a noise?’ thing.” That being said, there are a few places that public sex is better left to the bedroom. Places like airplane bathrooms and movies are not entirely recommended, purely because employees are not paid nearly enough to clean up afterwards. And for those thinking of hooking up at RnV or other summer festivals, the ladies at Real Talk Sex Advice advise against it. “It is REALLY obvious if someone is having sex near you, because a tent is fabric, and has no sound proofing capabilities....Tents are made of water resistant t-shirt material. If you wouldn’t fuck in a t-shirt and expect privacy, tents are probably no bueno either.”

When it came to sex with exes, a 2008 Jezebel broached the question of just when it was okay. “The unofficial girl code says that you shouldn’t fuck a friend’s ex, but what counts as an ex? Do they have to have dated for a period of time? Had sex? Is it when she’s still emotionally attached, even if she’s attached because they had two dates three years ago? What’s the statute of limitations on it? How do you even broach the subject?” Again, commenters were divided between it being a violation of girl code or a free for all. Trixie from Toronto said “in general, it’s just a bad idea,” adding that “it’s just way too much information and awkwardness for everyone involved.” “The world is large – find someone whose peen hasn’t been in your friend’s catbags.” Oeditrix felt differently, saying “call me a bitch, but I have done it and had it done to me, and I don’t really see the problem.”

“If there were real feelings involved, it can be hard; but if the new couple is legitimately interested in one another, and if everyone in the situation is tactful and considerate, it’s selfish to enforce some stupid code over the possibility of a good relationship.” They added that “this is most often a problem when the dating pool is small. In college, we all hung out in the same circles and were friends with the same set of guys, and that meant a whole lot of sloppy seconds.” Ex-sex that won’t violate any codes however, is sex with one of your own exes. But while this might save a few friendships, it comes with its own host of complications. However, luckily UK publication, Tatler, came up with ten rules to make it slightly less awkward. Rules included: • “Ask for what you would never normally dare ask for. Remember, you don’t care what they think anymore. • Don’t confuse this with reality; it might

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as well be a dream, it is that relevant to your life. And, like dreams, no one else will want to hear about it. • No more than twice. The whole concept of the ‘fuckbuddy’ feels incredibly dated these days, don’t you think? • If you are mastering a new technique, this is the perfect test bed. • IT DOESN’T MEAN ANYTHING and finally, • Sign-off is hard. But we recommend the following test: ‘That was hot. Over and out.’” Honestly, sex can be hard, and awkward, and all sorts of complicated. And really, unless what you’re doing is straight up illegal, there’s no right or wrong way to go about it. In the end, the only things that actually matter are that you be respectful, be considerate, and be safe.

FEATURE

HOW TO CONQUER THE SECOND-HAND MARKET CARWYN WALSH EXPLORES SECOND-HAND LAND, BECAUSE AS STUDENTS, MOST OF US JUST HAVE TO ACCEPT THAT OUR FINANCES CAN ONLY AFFORD US SLOPPY SECONDS.

The second-hand market has long been a good friend to the humble student. Second-hand goods and students go together like peas and carrots – like Malaysian airliners and the ocean. Because I have been a student most of my adult life, I have developed a keen understanding of the market and how to conduct yourself within it. I hate to brag, but when it comes to the second-hand market, this cowboy has a few notches on the ol’ bedpost. I have lovingly compiled a rough guide to four separate areas of this market: furniture, appliances, books, and clothing and attire. Each of these markets provide their own challenges. Luckily, I have been a wheeler and dealer in all of them, so have many handy titbits of advice for any budding second-hand buyer. Please read with an open heart and an open mind. While some of the below advice might sound a touch left-field, I swear by it all, and guarantee results to those willing to honestly apply it to every scenario.

FURNITURE Beds and couches provide your home with a real sense of order and stability. When deciding upon the appropriate furniture for your home, striking the balance between price and elegance can be a real challenge. Usually a decent couch is one of the first items that flatmates seek when moving into their new home. Unfortunately, due to the couch being an iconic item of student culture, the couch market is very much a seller’s one. This means that competition among students is often fierce. Luckily, there is a cunning way out of this wee conundrum. Charitable op-shops are notoriously unprepared every year when a flood of students descend on their stores, eager to secure their flat a couch. More often than not, they endeavour to clear their stores of students and couches as quickly as possible. You and your flatmates can take advantage of this fact with an orchestrated in-store sex orgy on top of the couch you’re all after. It’s a risky ploy, no doubt, but trust me on

this, it brings results. Not only does it clear the store of rivals, you can also demand a knock-down on your chosen couch for the inevitable wear and tear an orgy causes. Provided the sex is consensual and you secure yourselves a good price, this cunning little strategy is without fault. On top of this, it’s also a great way to get to know your flatmates better and, having all become intimately connected, you can save money on beds by all sharing the same one for the rest of the year.

APPLIANCES Getting your grubby mitts on some decent appliances is another demanding task for all flatters. Because most flats don’t come with a cool-store, the most essential appliance is a working fridge, to store all your milk, eggs, and half-eaten cans of peaches. Many students choose to rent a fridge for the year. Take it from me, this is a mug’s option. If you know what you’re doing, you can secure yourself a worthy fridge for a very reasonable price.

ONLY EVER OFFER CASH AND BE SURE TO TEASE THE SELLER BY SEDUCTIVELY PLAYING WITH THE ZIP ON YOUR BUM-BAG. Second-hand fridge buying is usually conducted one-on-one with the seller. Automatically, this puts you on the back foot as you will have to travel to the seller’s turf to do business. The seller will attempt to put you at ease by appearing friendly, and engaging you in harmless small talk. Ignore these overtures, most second-hand fridge sellers only own a second fridge for the storage of murder victims. Unless you want to share this fate, concentrate solely on the business at hand. When handling the price negotiations, always act as if you don’t really need the fridge. A great way of doing this is by taking along a lactating woman so the seller knows you have another option for storing milk products. During the entire process carry your cash in a highly visible bum-bag. This will show the seller that you’re an experienced buyer of second-hand goods. Play for keeps with all of your offers. Only ever offer cash and be sure to tease the seller by seductively playing with the zip on your bum-bag.

Finally, arrange for some form of transport to get the fridge back to your flat. This avoids having to use the seller’s home for the rest of the year. You can hire a trailer or, if you want to save some more money, ask a fellow poor student with a car if they’re keen for a cheeky half an hours’ work.

BOOKS Encouraging a serious and scholarly atmosphere within your flat is a lot easier if the place is packed to the rafters with a generous selection of books. You can also construct really good forts out of books. Slowly accruing a collection of books can take a lifetime. The best way to get books fast is to buy in bulk. The best place to buy in bulk is on the second-hand book sale circuit. The second-hand book sale might conjure up images of charitable goodwill and genteel intellectualism within your minds. This, I’m afraid, is far from the reality. Take it from an old hand on the circuit, the second-hand book sale is a competitive and unpredictable free-for-all that nearly always descends into an orgy of unhinged violence. The only

certainty I can take from my time on the circuit is that blood will always wash off eventually; guilt, shame, and disgust live with you forever. Second-hand books can sell at book-sales for under half their street value. Sadly, this fact breeds the sort of desperation that makes violence inevitable. But if you’re still keen, I can offer a few words of wisdom that should get you through your first book-sale without too much bother. Firstly, whatever you do, stay well clear of security. The hired muscle at these events might look like the kind of sweet old people that clean churches in their spare time, but as soon as they slip on their high-visibility vests they quickly forget their gammy hips and arthritic joints, particularly during the cavity search process. Secondly, if you really don’t want any trouble, stay away from the priced section. This is where the cheapest books are and, on the circuit, it is deservedly nicknamed ‘the pit’. Finally, remember why you are there. You only want books for the image so hang

about the zones where numbers are low. The hobbies section is always a safe bet. No-one has ever died for a haberdashery book. Well, not yet anyway.

CLOTHING AND ATTIRE Being on a pauper’s budget doesn’t mean that you cannot dress yourself like a finely attired aristocrat. Second-hand clothing has unfortunately become quite popular of late, so you have to be on your toes to secure dapper clobber at competitive prices. Clothes shopping is also quite an emotional experience. Reason can leave you, so always shop with someone you know you can trust. Even I have made my share of errors on solo shopping expeditions. One time, I left SaveMart with what I thought was a rather tasteful pair of leopard-print crotchless swimming trunks. It was only when I returned home that I realised that they were actually a rather run-down pair of seamless and spotty y-fronts. Moving on, don’t be afraid to ask after the history of the clothes you’re purchasing.

A friend of mine swears that a pair of legwarmers he bought were demonically possessed. My friend now lives in an asylum but the legwarmers remain at large. If you’re truly skint, don’t be too proud to try a spot of clothing-bin diving. You can either hoist someone up or, alternatively, drag the entire bin back to your flat. Empty clothing bins are great for discreetly growing cannabis and this can be sold off to bring more money into the flat. If this isn’t kosher with the flatties, you can always place the bin against your house and rent it out as an extra room.

FEATURE

SWEAT GLAND

NERVOUS SYSTEM

SKIN

WART GROWTH

UNTITLED 02 TAM KOGLER We each walk a separate path in life, allowing every sight, sound, and experience to influence and shape our personality. These unique differences affect the way we perceive visual imagery. When viewing this series, our brain begins to apply an individual wealth of knowledge in an attempt to decode information, as the subject matter is unfamiliar. Since we interpret meaning from our personal subconscious, someone may have an entirely different experience to another. This photographic collection extends beyond the naked eye, utilising microscopy as a tool to create art beyond its scientific function. Each image finds beauty in the most indelicate of places through the de-contextualisation of our most intimate subject â&#x20AC;&#x201C; the human body. Tam is a fourth year design student majoring in photography at Wellingtonâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s College of Creative Arts. To view more of this series, or any of her recent projects visit her website at tamkoglerphotography.com Attributions - Jim Clarke - Margaret Alison (College of Science, Wellington). Photographs taken on a Canon Mk2, 50mm Lens. Using a Olympus CKX41 Microscope.

REVIEWS

MONTHLY MUSIC ROUND UP PAUL BERRINGTON THE INTERNET – EGO DEATH (ODD FUTURE) Over the years, acts associated with the Odd Future crew have courted much controversy. Yet they have also delivered some tremendous music and challenging genre rules, giving us classic albums such as Frank Ocean’s Channel Orange and Tyler the Creator’s Goblin. Now, the crew’s soul collective and backing band for live shows, The Internet, have released arguably their defining album - a beautifully arranged alternative R&B record that showcases Syd the Kyd’s songwriting

and some fantastic playing by the group. Moving on from the fun but often unfocused sound of previous album, Feel Good, this latest effort is incredibly tight and full of great songs. ‘Something’s Missing’ offers smooth harmonies over future soul, while the provocative lyrics of ‘Just Sayin/I Tried’ show how far Syd has come as a songwriter. Another fantastic addition to what has been a great year for soulful R&B, this is a modern classic in the making.

EYELINER – BUY NOW (BEER ON THE RUG) Apparently an injury while performing as Disasteradio caused Wellington’s Luke Rowell to focus on his Eyeliner project. Here, he blends dreamy synth-based boogie with an array of odd samples and a glimmer of irony, which seems more focused than ever on his latest release, the wonderfully colourful Buy Now. Built upon a sound palette firmly rooted in the 80s, Eyeliner’s music sounds like Art of Noise doing the soundtrack for a John Hughes movie, yet deceptively it’s never quite that cheesy. Rowell’s ability to draw you into

his music is incredibly skilful. Firstly, they’re often great songs, built upon intricate rhythms, and washed over with dreamy chords and flute samples, and often accompanied by Seinfieldstyle basslines. Rowell himself calls it “rooted in vapourwave”, yet it kind of sounds like a cross between Andras Fox and the modern funk of Sasac and Sven Atterton. Songs like ‘High Heels’ and ‘Toy Dog’ can’t help but bring a smile to your face. Overall this is another talented Wellington-based producer making some exceptionally original electronic music.

DENZEL CURRY – 32 ZEL/PLANET SHROOMS (C9) South Florida rapper Denzel Curry often gets lumped with the angry Denzel or trippy Denzel tag, and this double EP follow-up to 2013’s Nostalgic 64 sets him firmly in the trippy zone. This makes 32 Zel/Planet Shrooms a great listen, and a new stoner classic in the making. It comes across as a friendlier A$AP Ferg, lacking lyrical sophistication, but making up for it with a whole lot of character and some great phrasing. Complete with a classic Southern flow – think early Outkast – Curry

pushes his own talents here, offering a stream of consciousness raps that wind their way around lo-fi trap beats, washed over with just enough weirdo fuzz. Standout cuts ‘Ultimate’, ‘Chief Forever’, and ‘Lord Vader Kush II’ showcase an energetic and focused Curry - the anger still there, but matched to a new found love for the ironies of life. Overall, it’s a more mature record from a quite outstanding talent, boding well for Curry’s ongoing career.oddity that manages to hold your attention throughout.

TAME IMPALA – CURRENTS (INTERSCOPE) With album number three, Perth band Tame Impala continue to refine their take on psychedelic rock, the fuzzy disco influenced sound of Lonerism pushed even further out, resulting in their best work yet. The result is a vivid collection of songs that capture lead singer Kevin Parker’s melancholy musings on life perfectly. Given the critical acclaim heaped upon the band, you’d forgive them for settling in routine and familiarity here. Currents, however, is an album that sounds energetic, even if still washed over with reverb and delay, the incredibly precise production and impeccably crafted songs make this a work

to get lost in. Repeated listens show just how intricate the album is, and many have compared the album to the likes of Radiohead’s Kid A or Wilco’s Yankee Hotel Foxtrot - high praise but completely relevant, with Parker’s ear for production values matched by talent with melody and lyrics. The dreamy brilliance of songs like ‘Yes I’m Changing’ and ‘Cause I’m a Man’ is matched by more uptempo cuts like ‘The Less I Know the Better’. Overall Currents is an album you’re likely to press the repeat button on as soon as it’s finished, put the headphones on and get lost in.

JAUJA (2014) PAUL BERRINGTON Disguised as some sort of adventure film, Argentine director Lisandro Alonso’s Jauja is a period drama like no other, following the quest of a Danish engineer, as he tracks his daughter through the bizarre landscapes of Patagonia. On a Patagonian beach in the late 1880s, a Danish engineer, Captain Gunnar Dinesen (Viggo Mortensen), and a group of Argentinean officers plan an exploration to claim new territories for the state. At his side is daughter Ingeborg (Viilbjørk Malling Agger), the only woman in a barren wind swept land, who as to be expected captures the attention of her male companions. When Ingeborg elopes with a soldier during the middle of a wintry night, Dinesen against the advice of the officers, decides to head off in search of her on his own. Yet as the journey becomes more and more bizarre, not only are his hopes of finding his daughter fading, but his own sanity is put at risk. Once his horse is stolen by Indians things turn even stranger, as a solitary dog leads him to a woman living alone in a cave, and his motivations become obscured from his need to survive. Don’t expect to come to any simple conclusions about Alonso’s (Los Muertos, Freedom) enigmatically surreal film. In a way the movie’s enjoyment comes from its lack of predictability, placed somewhere between a postmodern Western and all out

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experimentation, so the less you know, the more you’re likely to enjoy it. Using the Patagonian landscape as a central character, the director and cinematographer Timo Salminen draw us deeper into the simple plot with every frame; the extraordinary beauty matched with the cold loneliness of the central protagonist. As his hopelessness surrounds him, we are lead along through his dreamlike journey. As the film moves towards a beguiling final act, Dinesen’s surroundings begin to overwhelm him, any resolution out of reach, his quest becoming more introspective with every scene. Mortensen is the perfect choice for the role, his austerity crumbling along with the fading hope of seeing his daughter alive again, in a part that wouldn’t be out of place in a Pier Paolo Pasolini or Bruno Dumont film. While Jauja – which translates to milk and honey – will frustrate anybody seeking an adventure film that resolves itself clearly, the wonderfully strange atmosphere the movie possesses is intoxicating if you let it, getting under your skin and in classic surrealist tradition never elaborating on its secrets. Alonso’s methods certainly provoke conversation, and this masterful film could have any number of meanings for different viewers.

MAD MAX: FURY ROAD (2015) DIRECTOR: LISANDRO ALONSO STARRING: VIGGO MORTENSEN, VIILBJØRK MALLING AGGER, AND GHITA NØRBY

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SEX TOY REVIEW: VIBRATING COCK RING

REVIEWS

WIN! YOU CAN WIN YOUR OWN VIBRATING COCK RING! IT WILL TAKE YOU ONLY TWO MINUTES TO ENTER: JUST DOWNLOAD THE MASSIVE MAGAZINE APP, AND SCROLL TO THE SEX TOY REVIEW PAGE.

MALE I’m a horny man, who loves sex and loves trying new things; so naturally, I jumped at the chance to trial the vibrating cock ring. Looking at the cock ring, I didn’t feel intimidated at all. It looked like the kind of gadget that you might find inside an R16 Kinder Surprise. I did, however, feel a little squirmish at the idea of wrapping this toy around my willy. I’m aware that the point of a cock ring is to make the dick stay harder, better, faster, stronger, for longer. I must admit though, that I was a little scared that my member would lose circulation and fall off. Thankfully, my fears did not become a reality. With lube, the ring slipped on with ease. My dick went rock hard almost immediately, rising like a military member reporting to attention – a few cheeky veins even popped up to say hello. And, I still have a complete penis with normal blood flow (great success). I must say though, that I don’t know if the cock ring is for me. I found it to be quite restrictive, the battery pack meaning I couldn’t plunge to the depths that I would’ve liked to. Another annoyance was the loudness of the vibration, which was enhanced when sandwiched between our bodies. The noise reminded me of an old Nokia phone, and I thought I might’ve been better off putting one of those bad boys down there. I can see how this gadget would be great if you couldn’t keep an erection for long (throwback to a very drunk me last month), but I think, due to its restrictive nature, I would give it a 2.5/5. I mean I wouldn’t pay huge dollars for it, but I would be pretty happy if I got it in a Kinder Surprise.

FEMALE

MALE

I felt turned on as soon as I held it, and felt the intense vibrations of the cock ring. All I could think of was how well it would get on with my clitoris. After a busy day of thinking about using the device, I pounced on my man as soon as he walked through the front door – dinner could wait, I thought. I was a little disappointed though. It tickled my clit occasionally, depending on what position we were in, but it wasn’t as pleasant as I’d hoped. I have used dildos before, so I do find vibrations really fun, but I found the vibration here was almost too aggressive. I may just be sensitive, so I assume it would be like way better for those who like it rough. Despite this, my man’s cock stayed very, very hard, so it was obviously doing something right. The next night, while he was out, I experimented with the vibration on my own. I have to say, when I had full control of its tempo and pressure, it was a lot more enjoyable #versatile. All in all, I’d give it about a 3/5.

When I first saw the product it was more or less what I expected, but when I actually turned it on, holy f**k – I was certain this thing was going to rip my penis clean off my body. Almost needless to say my girlfriend loved the rather intense vibrations, but in terms of my own experience it wasn’t quite what I expected. I was told by a mate that they’re designed to make the guy last longer, which without sounding like I’m bragging, has never really been an issue for me. As soon as I put it on everything felt less sensitive which inevitably lead to my dick deflating faster than my air mattress at R&V. Although it didn’t do a lot for me as a guy, it doesn’t mean your lady should miss out on the goodness. For some epic foreplay do what you usually do to get started (whether it’s with your mouth or hands) hold it lightly on her clit and you just light that bitch up – lovingly of course. I promise she won’t be complaining. If you are going to use it with flatmates within close vicinity, put some music on for good measure, don’t be that couple. Sex toy etiquette: super simple stuff. Overall, I’d give the cock ring a cheeky 3.5/5, but my girlfriend definitely rates it higher. These reviews are subjective to the user. If you want to try out the vibrating cock ring, or any other sex toy products, check out https://adulttoymegastore.co.nz/ for a wide range of exciting and affordable products!

WHEN WE FLEW We flew — stealing segments of the night on someone’s SLR, they’re making a stop motion about ergonomics. We drove up that street last week, and for a small, sharp, second, I was nineteen again. And we flew — Nineteen on Salamanca Road and we flew. We flew — fur-jacketed moths in the night. Clusterfuls of us on borrowed boards and temporary clothes. We flew — durries in our fingers, threading the air with the others as we leaned out to catch the night, as the night flashed past. The rush of it all. We flew -— nicotine and cider straight to the head. Concrete straight to the knees. Through the jeans, a heady graze. Sliding gloves we welded in the workshop in between classes. Slicing semi-circles onto the curb as we fell. We flew — watching our breaths cut shapes in the July night, stinging hot from the kick push. On someone else’s board in someone else’s T-shirt, our own weren’t quite cool yet. Annabel Hawkins

REVIEWS

THIS MUST BE THE PLACE SASHA BORISSENKO BELIEVES THAT THIS MUST BE THE PLACE IS A THING OF WHIMSY. The poetic musings of the former Massey University student is a delightful articulation of the life and times of a young twentysomething trying to get by in the big smoke. You can expect to find the inner workings of the Wellington belle who laments about love, escaping to the beach, “bags bursting with Briscoes bargains” and her disdain for Valentine’s Day. While the Lena Dunhams of the world will indeed be attracted to Bel’s down-to-earth and what seems to be familiar writing style, there’s nothing #ontrend about it. It’s fresh! It’s ethereal! Oh and her command of the English language! That turn of phrase, that grammar, and that command of tenses. I’m gushing. It can’t be helped. We could be friends, even. I’m not a fan of poetry generally because I have a deep-rooted FOMO over the high-brow rules and regulations regarding syntax and rhythm. Seriously, I don’t get it. Philistinism aside, what’s so beautiful about this book of poetry is that it reads like a book - as unpretentious and charming as happily consuming a cup of instant in the morning and refusing all but a cup of v60 in the afternoon. I guess what I’m trying to say is that only 20 pages deep did I realise I had soon finished the pink little number.

What’s more, you come out of it thinking there could be merit in describing the choreography and bourgeois hipster-ness of smoking menthol durries. Just the audacity of it! And although I’ve already waxed lyrical about her depictions of love and love lost, there’s nothing anti-feminist about the book. She articulately describes her intrigues with almost a voyeuristic quality. There’s a certain charm and light-heartedness to her heartbreak that seems, again, relatable! Before I start to bark on about how this is but the first of what will surely be a fantastic writing career ahead of the media darling, notable mention must be awarded to her partner in crime, Alice Clifford, who completed the design of This Must be the Place. The negative space, the delicate and hazy nature of the photographs and simple yet stylish typesetting is well, delicious. And before I salivate any longer, I leave you with a quote from the book’s publisher, Wellingtonbased Makaro Press: “This must be the place is a rich collaboration between two Wellington friends: Annabel who wrote the words and her friend Alice who designed the place to put them in.”

Pop over to the previous page for a sneak peak of This Must be the Place.

THIS MUST BE THE PLACE AUTHOR: ANNABEL HAWKINS

WAIPUKURAU: TOWN OF FOUR THOUSAND SMILES CARWYN WALSH

Waipukurau is one of those rare country towns that still sport the heavy musk of old New Zealand. Set against the slow gurgle of the Tukituki River and the awesome expanse of the Ruahine Range, Waipukurau is a charming location that more than lives up to its reputation as the Venice of Central Hawke’s Bay. Founded sometime in the 19th Century, Waipukurau got off to rough start when it was crippled by a devastating earthquake in 1862. Cynics maintain that the recovery is still ongoing. However, despite what the cynics might say, Waipukurau is a thriving wee town of roughly 4000 inhabitants that boasts its very own train station, a Subway restaurant, Countdown supermarket and two public toilet facilities. These public toilets are a tremendous asset to the local community and rival those of the great cities of Europe. Combining quiet elegance with generous toilet paper allotments, both of these amenities have attracted many a weary traveller down the years – something that has caused Waipukurau to become the envy of the region. However, owing to both my sex and fine reputation, I cannot, in good conscience, give an educated appraisal of the ladies section of these celebrated lavatories. I’ve

only ever caught a fleeting glimpse of their interior and, rather unfortunately, my view was hampered by both the night and the surrounding bushes. Moving on, another fantastic asset of Waipukurau is its many local residents. These locals are more than friendly and, for the most part, go out of their way to make you feel welcome and at ease. Small town folk have long been renowned as charming conversationalists and the good people of Waipukurau take great pride in their ability to hold down a fair yarn. In my many visits I’ve had conversations on just about everything imaginable – neck-braces, spades, and grass seem to three topics that are always warmly welcomed. For such a small town, Waipukurau is surprisingly diverse in ethnic terms. It has a pretty even spread of Pākehā, Pasifika and Māori peoples. It even has its very own Chinese family who, despite facing initial prejudice, have assimilated remarkably well into the local community. As of 2010, the Wang family has even been allowed to vote in local body elections and, if current momentum continues, may soon be allowed to own their own property and pets. A new feature of Waipukurau is the newly constructed walkway that links it to the nearby town of Waipawa. As I write, only half of this track is actually completed;

but, nonetheless, what there is of it looks pretty good. The section of the track that has been sealed with limesand takes you alongside the Tukituki River and deep into the neighbouring countryside. Scenic and isolated, the new walkway is a perfect spot for newly courting couples and people who own binoculars. The best day of the week in Waipukurau is undoubtedly Saturday. This day brings the town out of its weekly slumber and its main commercial space, centred on Ruataniwha Street, comes to life with the hustle and bustle of passing travellers and local merchants selling their wares. Townspeople are seen taking the air, catching up on local gossip and munching on one of the famous, award-winning pies available at Antkor Wat Bakery and Coffee Shop. If they are feeling particularly flash, they may even make a reservation at the local Breakers Restaurant – as seen on Masterchef. However, if the Saturday happens to fall in the same week as a full moon, the townspeople of Waipukurau grow restless. The full moon stirs the nearby rural community into a wild frenzy and they descend upon the town hungry for activity. Owing to the country people’s coarse ways, poor grasp of English and sparse knowledge of the road rules, locals usually keep a safe distance and often take refuge in the town’s

library and wait there for the local priest to arrive. Some bold locals have been known to chase the rurals away with Labour Party pamphlets and shiny objects. Otherwise, they have to hunker down and wait for the townâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s livestock feed and moleskin trouser supply to become exhausted. Only then is it safe enough to re-emerge. The one day a year when town meets country in perfect communion is during the annual Running of Lambs festival, held every September. During this event, real-life sheep are run down Ruataniwha Street and through the drive-through of the Subway restaurant, where they are then slaughtered. After this, huge bon-fires are lit and the animals are slowly cooked on multiple spits. Rather sadly, given all it has to offer, this event is one of the few times in the year when tourists flock to Waipukurau. Mostly, people only stop by if they are lost or if they are disposing of a body. A town of roughly four thousand smiles, Waipukurau is a rare diamond of a place that is waiting for you to give it a chance to work its magic. Give it some time and it will capture, perhaps not your imagination, but certainly your heart.

LOCAL TRAVEL

MAX KEY LOVES HIS BUNNY Vomit. Max Key’s Instagram account is a thing made of nightmares. On a side note, there’s nothing worse than being 32 weeks deep into someone’s Instagram account and accidentally doing the double tap of horrors. Not to worry though, we were very careful in this circumstance. Digression aside, New Zealand was fortunate enough to be graced with the news that Max Key, together with his “bunny” yes he calls his bae, model Amelia Finlayson, “bunny” *feminists gag the world over* and the rest of his political family, went on holiday to Hawaii this month. *snore* In an Instagram post where Key Jr promised to “drop” (he’s in a band, duh) a video of their misadventures, it was there that speculation ensued that the loved-up teens got engaged.

But, as Rep Chic managed to get through the four minutes and 27 seconds of beaches, pashing, and privilege without barfing, there was nothing in the footage to suggest there could be wedding bells in the near future.

Michael Daly reported that Max Key, who turned 20 in May, is frequently shown shirtless, with Finlayson often in a bikini. “Titled Max Key & Amelia Finlayson in Summer Paradise the four minutes and 27 seconds of footage is described on YouTube as: “A journey into myself and Amelia’s teenage years.

“The video shows two young people very happy in each other’s company, but doesn’t suggest they made it official with a proposal while on holiday in Hawaii. “So it remains unclear whether Max was just kidding when he posted a proposal-like Instagram pic a few days ago of himself and Finlayson sharing a tender moment on top of a Hawaiian volcano. “Maybe the intense double hand hold in the picture was all just a bit of mutual admiration.” At the end of the day what we did learn is that we really ought to, really really, add Maxelia (move over Kimye) on Instagram. We get it. We also got a whiff of the type of ritzy lifestyle “our mate John” really has. Where’s that relatable image, we must ask?

Sour grapes aside (help me, I’m poor), questions have been raised that Max’s lifestyle might be seen as a liability for his dad who famously grew up in a state house and married his high-school sweetheart, Bronagh Key.

“Key’s always been seen as a regular bloke, and regardless of his super wealth, he is. But perhaps he should have a word to his son Max who’s been with the family at their Hawaiian hideaway over the past couple of weeks, along with his model girlfriend who’s soon to become a Miss Auckland contestant, we’re told.

“There was romantic Max standing in a bachelor pose on a long since dormant lava flow, and frolicking on the beach, with the girlfriend who cooed on social media about him bringing her to paradise, no doubt thanks to his dad’s chequebook. “Now that isn’t the privilege of the vast majority 20-year-old’s who are struggling to make ends meet in this country. “It’s not an image that should be flaunted when the number of homeless here is growing and when the economy is beginning to waiver, and it’s not the image that Key’s so carefully cultivated. “And that’s not the politics of envy, it’s the politics of the reality of staying in office!” Nuff said.

REPRESENTATIVE CHIC

CHARLOTTE ROYALE CAKE SASHA BORISSENKO

Anyway, the recipe traditionally calls for sponge and custard made-from-scratch but hell, this girl’s got things to do. So instead, the unashamed improviser that I am, I popped over to le supermarche and decided to do the unthinkable and buy el-cheapo sponge and custard, replace actual berries with the leftover jam (I have about $10 to my name - could be due to that stupid ice cream lamp I purchased while in Japan), and finally, replace creme de classes with the gin dregs in my cupboard. Blasphemy, I know! Hey, I’m a food-enthusiast, not an expert. Next I’ll be doing posts about eggs on toast (oh wait, done that) or better yet, just toast! Best to keep my options open I say. Also, by aiming low there’s only one way to go and that’s up, amIright?

I might err on the viva la republic-side of the monarchy spectrum, but because I have a handful of friends named Charlotte and the most recent member of the English royal family celebrated a christening, a Charlotte Royale Cake recipe seemed fitting.

INGREDIENTS Two slabs of pre-made sponge cake One jar of jam Nine leaves of gelatin *vegetarians sob the world over* Standard carton of custard 2 T gin/sherry/cointreau/whatever 450 ml of cream

Spread any variety of jam over your slabs of sponge cake. Roll the jam-riddled sponge so that it looks like a standard log cake before dicing thin 2cm slices. Place the pin-wheel-esque pieces along the bottom of a very well greased tart dish and stack tightly (otherwise you will have a disaster on your hands, believe you me). Meanwhile, whip the cream and set aside, heat the custard either in a microwave or on a stove, and soak the gelatine in a separate bowl until soft. Add four blobs (tablespoons, if you will) of jam and the gin with the soaked (and drained) gelatin. Add the two mixtures together, along with the whisked cream and pour over the pinwheel bonanza. Pop the dish into the fridge and leave overnight. Done.

BASIC BRUSCHETTA SASHA BORISSENKO

INGREDIENTS One baguette Six fresh and deliciously ripe tomatoes Fresh basil Olive oil – plenty of it. Parmesan Garlic One red onion Balsamic vinegar Salt – the coarser the better, I say.

Following a hilarious conversation with a friend over whether Italian cuisine was favourable to its French counterpart (croissants mate) it felt completely appropriate to feature bruschetta for this month’s food blog.

Dice the tomatoes, garlic, basil, and onion, and combine in a bowl with a few splashes of olive oil – yum. Using a bread knife, cut generously-sized pieces of your baguette and lay on a baking tray. Brush/splash/spread the oil over the bread pieces before adding the tomato mixture. Biff in the oven for about 10 minutes. To serve, add parmesan, salt, and balsamic vinegar. Perfection. Some cook the tomatoes beforehand – I prefer a raw bruschetta of sorts #diva.

FOOD BLOG

UNI MUM

I am your surrogate Uni Mum (“I’m not a regular mum, I’m a cool mum”) here to offer sound advice (and virtual hugs) about anything to do with university life. From the flatmate who steals your clothes, to the test you will cheat on, to your cunning plans to bang that babe down the hallway, and everything in between. If you have an issue you would like me to cover, just flick me an email (editor@massivemagazine.org. nz) and I will be sure to write about it next month.

DEALING WITH THE DIFFICULT FLATMATE We’ve all had one, or in some cases, been one; terrible, ill-behaved and lazy flatmates can be the worst. From the person who makes sure the whole neighbourhood hears them when they are getting intimate, to the one who just used your towel, the heavy partier, the twenty minute shower-er, the name and measure everything in the fridgeer, or the passive aggressive note leaver, living with a range of different personalities from different backgrounds can be a test of endurance and self-control at the best of times.

Flatmate horror stories are like bragging rights. We all wear them like battle scars; ripping them out over drinks at the pub, as if there’s some sort of award for the most disgusting, horrendous, or horrifying. In our judgements, do we ever think about what type of flatmate we were? Not really, because our morals are second nature to us, our habits are personal, and the way we do things could never, ever be wrong. Of course, some are far more disgusting than others, while there are those people who appear to be outright clueless as to how to live without a primary caregiver. Flatmates come in all forms, and to be completely honest with you, none of us are perfect. The biggest challenge for me when I began flatting was finally realising that people who I was close friends with were actually brought up so differently to me. I was dumbstruck how we could be such good friends and have so little of our everyday habits in common. I once watched a friend use the floor mop to clean our toilet. While I tried my hardest to not overly offend him, so I wouldn’t turn him off cleaning forever, I did quietly buy a new mop head on the flat account. But then again, I know that during one of my very intense #fitspo moments, this same friend would lie in bed, and guess what piece of

vegetable I was putting into the juicer at 5:30am. Sure, he may be clueless about how to clean, but I sure was pretty selfish. The most difficult type of flatmate is the one that absolutely sucks at life, but is a genuine and friendly person; these are the people that you just cannot tell off or kick out. A friend of mine was telling me about her flatmate who dropped a whole meat casserole, before freaking out, and walking off, leaving her (a vegan) to clean up after him. The same flatmate was asked to take the rubbish out, and left the bag sitting next to the bin in the middle of the driveway. Nevertheless, my friend still said to me “I loved him, he was a cool dude, but my god, he was an idiot” so to defend his honour. She never once hit him up about his behaviour either, however I think he got the message when she accidentally sent him a fuming text that was meant for her boyfriend. So how do you deal with difficult flatmates? I guess sometimes it’s just best to let things go… or, if it is getting too much, grow a spine and bring it up with them. If that doesn’t go well, there is always the option of finding a new place to live. Got a flatmate horror story? Send it in to us at editor@massivemagazine.org.nz

ASK GURU I’VE FOUND MYSELF HAVING SOME UNUSUAL FANTASIES LATELY. MY PARTNER IS QUITE SHY THOUGH, AND WE HAVEN’T BEEN OVERLY ADVENTUROUS WITH OUR SEXUAL ENDEAVOURS AS OF YET (MISSIONARY IS STANDARD FOR US). HOW DO I TELL MY PARTNER ABOUT MY FANTASIES SO THAT THEY CAN BECOME A REALITY? We often tend to let our relationships get stale. I’m not saying missionary is a stale position – shit, you can do heaps of variations to hit all these different little spots that’ll make you both scream with pleasure, and you’ll also be stretching your muscles at the same time #fitsposex, so it’s a win-win position. It’s something that the majority of the population in monogamous relationships can’t avoid. But the good news is that you can easily spice up your relationship and gently ease your partner into an adventurous sex life. As we have been taught all our life, honesty is the best policy – so muster up some courage and ask your partner to be part of your fantasies, whether they are two minute quick-fucks in a public toilet, or having them dress up as your favourite cartoon character. It’s key to be honest: tell them that you are finding your sex together a bit dry, and frame the conversation to be about them. Say something along the lines of below: “So, you like having sex with me and I like having sex with you. It’s fun and cool, but could be better. What turns you on – what are your fantasies? Do you like it when I play with your something and you touch me on my something?”

Find out about your partner and their desires – you may be surprised. They might have fantasies that are more hardcore and sexier than yours (that’s a good thing of course) and you could then become the power couple of all things fantasy and adventurous. You could be idolised by the generations to come as the couple that is the sexual version of Bear Grylls – where the sky is the limit and adventure and extremeness is what you eat for breakfast, including urine drinking and animal carcass wearing (I’m getting so hot and sweaty just writing this). So take your time, and really plan out how you want to say it. Make sure that they are comfortable and watch the way they react when you tell them your fantasies. You don’t want to scare them off, and you don’t want to pressure them into something they don’t want to do either. Maybe start off with the least adventurous/kinky ones, like holding hands in public or nipple rubbing, and see how they react to those. If it’s a positive ‘cando’ attitude that they respond with, why not table your other fantasies too. Just remember that it’s up to them whether they want to be part of it, so give them time and space, and in no time you could be banging everywhere and doing all this crazy adventurous shit. If your partner isn’t keen, have no fear; just do the kinky/adventurous shit to yourself.

I’M KEEN FOR A THREESOME WITH MY BOYFRIEND AND ANOTHER GIRL, BUT I DON’T KNOW HOW TO INITIATE IT, AND WHAT THE PROTOCOL IS. HELP ME GURU! Go you for wanting to have a threesome. Introducing someone else to one of the most intimate things that you and your partner do is a bold and brave step, but no doubt it’ll spice things up. If you have a girlfriend in mind, and they’re keen, then all you’ll need to do is suggest the idea to your boyfriend. It might seem scary at first, especially bringing up your plan, but it can be easily done. Trust me. One idea is to have sex with your boyfriend, and suggest it halfway through. Something along the lines of, “Oh *insert boyfriend name*, you’re amazing. I want you to share your amazing-ness with *insert girlfriend name*. Are you keen to add her to the mix?” Depending on the type of boyfriend you have will determine the type of answer he gives. Fingers crossed he goes, “Oh my, thank you for complimenting me on the way I do sex. Of course it’s fine to invite her over. Let’s all have sex and stuff.” If your boyfriend isn’t keen on the threesome, don’t force it. But if you get his backing, then you can start the planning. So go down to Warehouse Stationary and buy a planner – cause girl, you gotta plan for this shit. You have a lot of different options to choose from, whether you do the deed at your own house or book a hotel room for

the night, just remember that the entire act is new to you all, so you need to ensure everybody involved is comfortable in their surroundings. You need to decide if you want to involve toys, what linen will be on the bed, and whether you wear your comfortable undies or your sexy ones. If it were Guru, I’d be booking out a hotel room, cracking open a bottle of champagne, lighting some candles, and putting on some Barry White to set the mood. If you decide to have the threesome at your own house there could be a possibility that your bedroom will become associated with the act of three people having sex, which could make future sex between you and your boyfriend a little bit weird. Either way, when it happens, make sure everybody is feeling comfortable. Start with some light massaging, learning and studying the bodies of the two people you will soon be fucking. Be gentle, kiss softly, and pay attention to all holes. It’ll be a wild night regardless of what happens, and Guru is sure all parties involved will want to come back for seconds. Just make sure that everybody is wearing protection (say no to STI’s) and everybody’s private parts are nice and clean. Submit your juicy questions to Guru by visiting massivemagazine.org.nz and searching ‘Ask Guru’. Although Guru is wise, and extremely good looking, he is not an expert. If you are after serious advice regarding sex and/or relationships, please consult a professional.

TIR

ICA

BLACK The colour of celebration of the smudges around my eyes from nights that never ended the taste of Timmy’s burnt birthday cookies the colour of a life well-read. Black is an unfinished thought a creature of habit the colour of my cage and of the human condition, it is primal and it is feared. Noir, pango, schwarz the colour of possibility of persecution and of change. Black – it is the absence of colour and still it has a fullness that is unnervingly familiar it is a part of me and a part of you. It is the boniest truth the colour that mirrors you the grittiest part of your soul it is the whispers I hear and the nature of lies. The colour that provokes the colour of life the colour of sin and yet not a colour at all. Black is my shadow your burden our raison d’être black is made of us.

BY MIKKI SCHOLTENS

HOW YOU DOIN’?

10. Where was Friends lacated in the states? A. Chicago B. New York C. California

SMELLY CAT, SMELLY CAT WHAT ARE THEY ______ YOU? SMELLY CAT, SMELLY CAT IT’S NOT YOUR FAULT... THEY WON’T TAKE YOU TO THE ___. YOU’RE OBVIOUSLY NOT THEIR FAVORITE PET. YOU MAY NOT BE A ___ OF ROSES, AND YOU’RE NO FRIEND TO THOSE WITH NOSES. SMELLY CAT, SMELLY CAT WHAT ARE THEY FEEDING YOU? SMELLY CAT, SMELLY CAT IT’S NOT YOUR _____!

7. C 6. B 5. C 4. C 3. A 2. A 1. B

4. Who or what was Rosita? A. The name Chandler gave the fooseball table B. The angry lady in the laundromat C. Joey’s reclining chair

7. What is Ugly Naked Guys real name? A. Fun Bobby B. Paolo C. Remains unknown

9. How many sisters does Joey have? A. 6 B. 7 C. 8

8. A

3. Joey was cast as the butt double of which Hollywood star? A. Al Pachino B. Brad Pitt C. Robert De Niro

6. Why didn’t Phoebe fly to London for Ross’ wedding? A. She was convicted for cannabis possession B. She was pregnant with he brother Frank’s surrogate triplets C. She was locked in Central Perk for two nights

8. Who did Phoebe mug when she was 14 living on the streets? A. Ross B. Chandler C. Joey

9. B

2. Which band sang the Friends theme song? A. The Rembrandts B. REM C. Hootie and the Blowfish

5. What was the name Phoebe frequently used when pretending to be someone else? A. Princess Consuela Bananahammock B. Helena Handbasket C. Regina Phalange

10. B

1. Who Peed on Monicas jellyfish sting? A. Joey B. Chandler C. Phoebe

Design and Layout Sarah Donnison, www.behance.net/sarahdonnisonc65c sarah-donnison@hotmail.com

Advertising, Marketing, and MAWSA Association Manager James Collings (04) 801 5799 ext. 63763 manager@mawsa.org.nz

Campus Reporters Auckland Julia Braybrook: juliabraybrook@gmail.com Manawatu Carwyn Walsh: carwynwalsh@gmail.com Wellington Kim Parkinson: editor@massivemagazine. org.nz

Contributors Julia Braybrook, Carwyn Walsh, Sasha Borissenko, Paul Berrington, Rachel Purdie, Annabel Hawkins, Uni Mum, Rep Chic, Guru.

Image Credits Front and back cover Sarah Donnison www.behance.net/sarah-donnisonc65c sarahdonnison@hotmail.com, Editorial Te Hana Goodyer www.hanateh.com, 3D printing feature Elliot Gonzales 3lliotgonzales@ gmail.com, Second-hand feature Anton Burian anton@0800phantom.co.nz Sex feature Pip Alfeld phillipaalfeld@ gmail.com, Photo feature Tam Kogler tamkoglerphotography.com, Uni Mum Te Hana Goodyer www.hanateh.com, Ask Guru Brad Smit brdsmt.tumblr.com, email bradley.smit@live.com

Publisher massivemagazine.org.nz ISSN 2253-5918 (Print) ISSN 2253-5926 (Online) This publication uses vegetable based inks and environmentally responsible papers. The document is printed throughout on SUMO Laser, which is FSC® certified and from responsible forests, manufactured under ISO14001 Environmental Management Systems. MASSIVE magazine is committed to reducing its environmental footprint.

Disclaimer The views, beliefs and opinions reflected in the pages of MASSIVE Magazine do not necessarily represent those of Massey University, its staff, Albany Students’ Association (ASA), Massey University Students’ Association (MUSA), Massey at Wellington Students’Association (MAWSA), Extramural Students’ Society, or the MASSIVE editor. We really appreciate your feedback, as it helps us become a stronger publication. If you would like to provide us with constructive criticism, but don’t want your feedback published, please come and have a chat with the friendly staff at your local students’ association. They will be more than happy to pass on your feedback to the appropriate people.