Basic Witch

By Tui Lou Christie (she/they)

A humble review brought to you by a local Witch-aboutWellington. Reviewing the places and things that will help you develop your pagan practices, revel in your arcane knowledge, and ascend to your highest self. This week, this Witch-about-Wellington has once again ventured beyond our city’s boundaries to explore further afield. However, unlike my trip to Palmerston North a few weeks ago, I travelled to Auckland on purpose. My broom steered me straight and true on an overnight flight up to the Massey Albany campus and some surrounding areas, as I was looking for wild Ngutukākā (the redflowering Kākābeak, Clianthus puniceus) to aid DOC’s conservation efforts in propagating seeds around Northland. It’s important to conserve this native flower, as I need it to create the potent painkiller that stops DOC workers from noticing that I’m harvesting their hair. While on my journey, I stopped a few places to review.

Albany Village Cemetery

5 stars ★ ★ ★ ★ ★

What a picturesque cemetery! Conveniently located opposite a high school for a true, visceral meditation on the continual cycles of death and life; the deep and unearthly reality of inhabiting flesh and bone, that unforgiving cradle. A death of ‘self’ and is there such a thing to begin with? The primal scream of a baby’s traumatic entrance to our side of life; cold and hard, the eternal light blazing, jaws full of teeth. Skin is ripped. Bones break. Death takes us all at once, restless wind, or little by little, shapeless cattle moving past the event horizon. According to findagrave.com, there are over 400 memorials here. Wow!

Sculpture:

The Golden Promise, or the giant gold chicken wing

5 stars ★ ★ ★ ★ ★

The Golden Promise sculpture was designed by established Auckland artist Reuben Paterson as an altar of sorts for the local witches. The giant chicken wing, made with precious metal no less, means you don’t need to slaughter your own chicken when you perform a rite that requires that in the square. All you’ll need to bring, other than your ritualistic dagger and your campus pass, is your own avian blood, which many of us have bottled anyway.

Place: Restaurant:

McDonalds Albany

3 stars ★ ★ ★

Even I, a highly astral-connected and enlightened witch, can’t resist the allure of the golden arches on occasion. High proportion of people sleeping (having a McNap) on the bench seats, but it was breakfast time and this doesn’t bother me. I got my usual order of a plain McMuffin, packet of maple syrup, and a small coffee with Big Mac sauce instead of milk (I’m lactose intolerant). Instead, I received an egg and cheese McMuffin, which is disappointing because again, no dairy, but I do have to say they nailed the coffee. Perfect texture. The wrong order didn’t bother me too much as I really come to a Maccas to collect the potent grease and salt runoff that gets washed down the gratings between meal services. Yumm-o!