Massive: Issue 02 'Kai'

EDITORIAL

MASON BREAKS UP WITH MASSIVE

We were on the hunt for a man for the Kai issue cover. A specific type of man. A man with the particular look of Carmy (Jeremy Allen White) from The Bear. We couldn’t find anyone, so we called Mason Tangatatai.

Mason was Massive’s editor in 2022. He had the privilege of being my boss when I first started at Massive

Mason is just about to move to the UK, ready to finally escape student media. But oh no. Student media will never let you go. We had to bring Mason back one last time and put him front and centre fingering a cake. You can see on his face he was not pleased about this, shouting at the end of the photoshoot, “THIS IS THE LAST STRAW! I’M BREAKING UP WITH MASSIVE.” He was so mad he smashed my face into our beautiful cake.

This is a hard breakup. There’s history there. Mason was the first editor to translate the entire magazine into Te Reo for the Te wiki o Te Reo issue. His Massive had a beautiful mix of hilarious and informative articles. He incorporated Te Reo and sign language into every issue. He wrote about student issues so precisely and genuinely. And finally, he ATE on this cover, literally and figuratively.

He was okay I guess…

—Love, Sammy.

LETTERS TO THE EDITOR

GOT A HOT TAKE, CONFESSION, SOMETHING YOU LOVE OR HATE ABOUT MASSIVE? SEND AN ANONYMOUS LETTER TO THE EDITOR AT:

MASSIVEMAGAZINE.ORG.NZ/LETTERS

4TH MARCH 2024

ISSUE TWO

MASSIVE MAGAZINE

HEARING IMPAIRED DISTANCE STUDENTS CALL OUT FOR CAPTIONED LECTURE VIDEOS

WORDS BY CAITLIN BINGHAM A SHE/HER

Lecture videos continue to exclude subtitles while disabled distance students struggle to understand content without them.

In recent years, pre-recorded lecture videos have been the main source of information for distance students, who now make up over a third of Massey’s student body.

For former Disability at Massey rep, Eloise Fleming, captions allowed them to “understand what’s being said at a speed similar to most other students”.

Fleming said without captions, they needed to “rewind every few seconds”.

Deziree Taylor, a distance student with a hearing impairment said, “Captions or subtitles on lecture videos were incredibly useful and enhanced accessibility by aiding with my hearing impairments and struggles with auditory processing.”

Even for students without hearing impairments, captions improved their learning experience, especially when the home environment wasn’t ideal for study.

Landi Cranstoun is raising seven children while studying Sociology, so captions are needed in her noisy household.

Cranstoun said subtitles allowed them to follow along with lecture material when “the noise rose above the threshold with which I could reliably hear”.

It kept her from getting confused and rewinding constantly.

However, adding captions to lecture videos could be a time-consuming task, contributing to a lecturer’s already overflowing workload.

Lily Anderson acts as a transcriber under the School of Communication, Journalism, and Marketing, creating transcripts from recorded interviews to help ease researchers.

She said a 60-minute interview took around three hours to transcribe, even after practicing and finding the best method.

While autogenerated captions could be an easy solution, it appeared that technology had yet to catch up.

Anderson said some of her transcripts came with autogenerated captions, but most of these were “outrageously incorrect”.

It wasn't just students who saw the value of captions, as a Massey University spokesperson said, “The university encourages lecturers to provide either a transcript or closed captions for their lectures.”

“In courses where it is known that there is a student with a disability, special arrangements are made”.

“As part of our Disability and Inclusion Action Plan mahi, we will be investigating better captioning options to improve the accessibility of our audio and video materials for all students.”

Until Massey University implements these changes, students are encouraged to use third-party tools that are currently available:

FREE TOOLS

Enable live captions in Chrome or turn on captions on your iPhone or Android phone.

Use your free Microsoft 365 account to create a transcript from an audio recording.

PAID TOOLS

Glean is an audio note-taking app where you can record your notes against live or recorded audio. It is developing greater transcription and captioning support.

STUDENTS FEAR SPEAKING UP ABOUT TE TIRITI O WAITANGI CONTROVERSY

WORDS BY TE KAKENGA KAWITI-BISHARA NGĀTI TŪWHARETOA A

HE/HIM

Most students across Massey University are walking into the year with a common floating topic on their mind Te Tiriti O Waitangi.

Late last year, the government proposed redefining Aotearoa’s founding document, the Treaty of Waitangi.

The proposal claimed the bill would ensure “the same rights and duties for all New Zealanders”.

ACT Party leader David Seymour lead the initiative, introducing the Treaty Principles Bill.

Though many students were interviewed, not one felt comfortable sharing their name given the controversy of Te Tiriti.

Manawatū student Lucy* said, “The events over the summer have shown the country and the world how united we can become when certain issues arise here and it makes me proud.”

Over the university summer break, protests took place across the country in retaliation to Seymour’s announcements, such as the hui at Tuurangawaewae Marae, Rātana and Waitangi itself.

Many Māori and non-Māori attended the protests to debate the issue.

New student Josh* said, “I am studying a few courses this year with Treaty papers and it will be interesting to see how the papers relate to current affairs such as this one happening now.”

Massey University is currently a Te Tiriti led university, with a Te Tiriti charter up for review in the next few years.

For many, the toss-up whether Te Tiriti O Waitangi and the Treaty of Waitangi are the same interpretations was where tangata whenua and tangata tiriti were finding problems.

*Names have been changed

ALBANY’S FOOD AND TECHNOLOGY PHASED OUT WITH MORE CLASSES TURNING DISTANCE

WORDS BY YESENIA PINEDA A SHE/THEY

Food and Technology at Massey Albany is being grandfathered out, while students fear the sudden switch to online study won’t prepare them for the workforce.

Albany Nutrition student, Sydney Coop, said her social skills in the workplace will suffer from studying online.

New students must study Food and Technology by distance or at the Manawatū campus.

Many students across Massey campuses have been moved online, many without consultation or warning of these changes.

Some employers have been known to not respect a degree that was earned online, sometimes assuming students could have cheated or plagiarised their work easily.

Coop felt employers may not trust her degree due to “online stigma”.

Additionally, such changes also affect student's chances of getting the full experience that comes with university.

“The whole university experience is going to class, interacting with people around you,” Coop said.

Furthermore, these changes affect student’s ability to adapt to a learning style they didn’t originally sign up for.

Coop said learning online would “affect my confidence as well as my social skills”.

She was nervous to do chemistry labs online, assuming this will be difficult.

Social Work student Maya was surprised her courses were moved online, saying social work is an interactive career.

“I might feel less connected to the people I’m learning from like my classmates and lecturers.”

She wondered whether employers would see that she learned via distance and question whether she could be fit for work.

“I do have some fears that it would affect my employment.”

Massey University was approached for comments, however, did not provide a response.

EPIC O-WEEK DESPITE “PRACTICALLY ZERO BUDGET” A

WORDS BY ELISABETH MOISSON A SHE/HER

water slide, free stuff, sumo wrestling, inflatable basketball hoops, and live music made for a sick O-Week at the Manawatū campus.

Despite Massey’s recent budget cuts due to an estimated $41 million deficit for 2024, O-Week continued over the past two weeks.

Bachelor of Business director, Angela Feekery, said budget cuts had affected their O-Week, saying they were unable to put on more events or activities.

“But the goodwill of the staff have made the events somewhat good, considering that there is practically zero budget this O-Week”.

She was impressed by student engagement at the Business Ignite event, saying around double the amount of those who RSVP'd showed up.

“Students were really interactive, engaging, connecting with each other and learning.”

Carnival Day on Tuesday saw students trying all the activities provided, including inflatable basketball hoops, inflatable darts and sumo wrestling.

Accounting student, Danielle Brown said this year’s O-Week was much more fun than last years and had more fun stalls.

Another student expressed their excitement for the water slide that was over at the Oval and was thankful they brought extra clothes.

Fresher Science student, Kezia Toga said her favourite thing about O-Week was all the free stuff.

Two local bands played at the carnival, Side-Quest and Car Crash Emy, introduced by Manawatū’s Radio Control.

First year Jono Boyd said the campus tours and labs were intriguing and met various people that were in his classes.

Wendy Carr, general manager of the student association (Te Tira Ahu Pae) said, “I felt the students really enjoyed their O-Week, especially since we got far more staff involved.”

Ronica Sami, student development coordinator said, “Students were engaged, there were more events than last year, I could not keep myself away from the pizza.”

Sumo wrestling at the Manawatū campus carnival. Photo / Izza Atif

DEPRESSION MEALS:

DEPRESSION MEALS:

It’s the cap-off to the trilogy no one asked for, but EVERYONE wants. My third year working for Massive Season 3, if you will. New cast members, returning favourites, and sadder meals than ever before.

A depression meal is your go-to food for when the big sad is just getting you down. It is whatever is on hand, usually the bare minimum. You might eat fresh ravioli when you’re depressed because it makes you happy, but that does not make it a depression meal.

If you were to say, eat a tub of cream cheese with some basil mixed in, I’d call that a depression meal. The most depressing part of all these meals is that almost every single one has cheese and I’m lactose intolerant.

Even the most stable person has their depression meal. Why don’t we see what the Massive staff have been stuffing down their gullets and who will be awarded the mighty Mayor of Flavour Town

JESSIE’S PASTA AND CHEESE

Described by the creator as “depressingly beige”, this meal consists of over-boiled pasta, boiled in extremely salty water, topped with shredded edam cheese. Part of me wonders why we cannot add sauce. It is one step away from being not so depressingly beige. But then I realised that’s missing the point entirely. Depression meals aren’t about enjoyment, they’re about stuffing your face as quick as you can, no matter the consequences.

SAMMY’S CHEESY POPCORN AND VANILLA ICE CREAM

Is this really Sammy’s depression meal, or is this something gross that was invented just to test me? We may never know, but I’m leaning towards the latter.

Sadly, I could not find powdered cheese, so I had to resort to MORE shredded edam. Again, I’m lactose intolerant.

This meal pushed my limits. The taste was… fine? It wasn’t bad… and wasn’t good?

THE — RESULTS :

The texture though… oh god. I feel like if the cheese were powdered it’d be just like eating a lightly dusted sundae. The way I ate it, however, was nothing short of a horrific journey in food abominations.

Sammy, for whatever I did, I am sorry.

THIS WAS THE TOUGHEST CALL I’VE HAD TO MAKE IN MY THREE YEARS AT MASSIVE, BUT I AM CONFIDENT IN MY DECISION.

THE NEW MAYOR OF FLAVOUR TOWN IS NONE OTHER THAN... DESIGNER BELLA!

BELLA’S SHIN RAMEN W/ A HANDFUL OF EDAM CHEESE MELTED ON TOP

Pre-eating thought: I have had too much dairy today.

This was a lot nicer than I thought. Something about cheese which has been warmed in liquid really sets off my ick-ometer, and the way the cheese clumped around

the noodles didn’t help. Texture was a mixed bag, with some bites being slimy and some being just noodles.

Taste wise though… holy shit. The way the cheese mixes with the spice of the ramen broth is something to behold. When I was done, I wanted more. I NEEDED more. I cannot recommend it enough this one was something special.

NATALYA’S AIR FRIED FROZEN PORK DUMPLINGS W/ SOY SAUCE

Pre-eating thought: Hallelujah, no cheese.

I adore dumplings. I love em steamed, fried, boiled. I even love those weird dumplings you have in soup. I was so excited for this one, only for it to be ruined by my damn air fryer. While more convenient than making a pot of oil or creating a steamy environment for the dumplings, air frying takes all the goodness outta this lovely snack.

KIRA’S BEANS ON TOAST W/ CHEESE

Pre-eating thought: More cheese… oh god…

Beans on toast will forever be a staple in the student’s diet. It’s so simple, so cheap, so easy and ALWAYS SO DELICIOUS. You can never go wrong with beans on toast, except for when you have it too many times in a row.

What should be soft, squishy and juicy balls of awesome, turns into crunchy yet tasty pork treats which stabbed my mouth.

I take full responsibility for this travesty, and promise to do better in the future.

ELIZABETH’S HASHBROWN AND BUTTER SANDWICH

Pre-eating thought: I have seen the face of god and it’s beautiful.

Unsurprisingly, this was a solid one to end on. I have never had a bad hashbrown before, and I don’t think it’s possible to

It’s a meal that’s great up 'til a point. One day you wake up and you just can’t eat beans no more. And then you feel sad. But a few weeks go by, and maybe the craving returns. It’s a vicious cycle, one that I am more than happy to be a part of. make bad hashbrowns. I know that’s an outrageous claim, but I prefer to live in ignorance.

Literally slap a hashbrown between two pieces of buttered bread and eat that shit. Couldn’t be simpler. I got a little fancy and added some BBQ sauce to my second one. Yup, I enjoyed this meal so much I made it twice. It really was that good.

I DON’T LIKE PICKING FAVOURITES, BUT IF SOMEONE DEMANDED THAT I DID, MY FAVOURITE MEAL WOULD NO DOUBT BE BELLA’S SHIN RAMEN WITH CHEESE. ASIDE FROM A TEXTURE THAT WAS SLIGHTLY DUBIOUS, AND MY LACTOSE INTOLERANCE BEING TESTED BY ALL THE SHREDDED CHEESE, IT WAS BRILLIANT. GENUINELY, THIS IS A DEPRESSION MEAL I CAN SEE MYSELF ADOPTING IF I DIDN’T NEED TO DESPERATELY TAKE A BREAK FROM ALL THE DAIRY I’VE HAD. SERIOUSLY, PEOPLE, Y'ALL EAT A LOT OF CHEESE.

WORDS BY TE KAKENGA KAWITI-BISHARA NGĀTI TŪWHARETOA A HE/HIM

"SEEDS HOLD WHAKAPAPA"

THE MĀORI MP GROWING THE FOOD ON HER COMMUNITY'S PLATE

“THE KAI THAT WE CONSUME HAS WHAKAPAPA AND SITS WITHIN THE ECOSYSTEMS THAT WE TOO ARE PART OF.”

Hana-Rawhiti Maipi-Clarke, Te Pati Māori MP and youngest member of Parliament, grows kai for her small Huntly community.

Growing up, she spent summers with her aunty, Liliana Clarke, learning how to grow kai using maramataka (Māori lunar calendar).

Hana said her planting and harvesting was very intentional, “reflecting how my ancestors utilised the rich lands throughout Waikato to grow an abundance of produce”.

Raised by her elders, she draws on their teachings to help in the sustenance of her little community.

“SEEDS HOLD WHAKAPAPA, AND THEY MUST NOT BE TAMPERED WITH.”

ART BY KEELIN BELL A HE/HIM

Hana dreams of a circular Māori economy, where the currency is kai.

She looks at the whole picture of kai, calling for reclamation of sovereignty and justice over how food is prepped, sold and distributed by supermarket chains.

The Huntly community garden is open to all at set hours during the day and runs off reciprocity, rather than money.

“HOPEFULLY, IN YEARS TO COME WE’LL BE EXCHANGING KAI RATHER THAN MONI FOR KAUPAPA MĀORI.”

She wanted to return to her traditional Maori practices and customs of how to gather our kai.

“OUR SUSTENANCE CAN NO LONGER BE IN THE HANDS OF GREEDY CORPORATES.”

After learning from her aunty, she loved gardening using maramataka (Māori lunar calendar). “It’s awesome to engage with one of many Māori natural resources.”

“The biggest problem in Aotearoa at the moment is that we don’t have enough food, and the food we do have is too expensive.”

In the long run, after looking after her own hometown, she hopes to help other iwi get māra kai established while supporting them with knowledge around the maramataka.

04. TIMPLA BY INTUITION

-EXCERPT FROM 'A SEAT AT THE TABLE'

(CHAPTER 01: ANG PLATO, WHAT IS FILIPINO FOOD?)

Timpla roughly translates to ‘mix’ or the way one seasons or adjusts the flavour profiles of a dish.

As I’ve mentioned earlier, cooking and especially seasoning in Filipino cuisine is usually measured by intuition. This pattern resonated with all fourteen contributors.

With that said (and very generally speaking), one would cook or season the same dish uniquely thus we are each accustomed to a particular timpla. Often there is no written recipe�oral transmission is a common practice in indigenous worldviews. I learned that many of the dishes my mother cooks would’ve been taught by my grandmother whom she often observed and helped in the kitchen. I have never seen any of my lolas or titas with a written recipe they follow unless they are baking.

Due to this quality of the cuisine, going out for Filipino food can be tricky at times. Different ways of seasoning mean different preferences. As migrants, the difference of the availability of ingredients and produce compared to our motherland affects this.

I don’t actually cook Filipino food often because I’m not brave enough to brace the fact that my sinigang or nilaga will never be as good as my mother’s (and her mother’s). In a time where Asian food is often reduced to cater to a Western palette, it will never be the same as a home cooked meal.

TAGALOG TRANSLATIONS

LOLA: GRANDMA

TITA: AUNTIE

ABOUT GIA ESPELITA

Gia Espelita (she/her) is a Manila raised, Pōneke based graphic designer and recent Massey graduate. She wrote and designed A Seat at the Table for her honours project, a book that celebrates the experiences of young Filipino tauiwi through conversations centred on food. Currently, she is the designer for the New Zealand Portait Gallery and the production assistant and designer for Asian Aotearoa Arts Hui 2024 (happening in April–May 2024, get amongst it).

@GIAESPDESIGN A GIAESP.COM @ASIAN_ARTS_AOTEAROA_HUI 03 A FEATURES A AHUATANGA

VENDING MACHINE VERDICTS

VENDING MACHINE VERDICTS

WHAT YOUR MASSEY VENDING MACHINE SNACK SAYS ABOUT YOU

01

Like their favourite vending machine snack, this person is like the human equivalent of shuffle on Spotify always unpredictable. They’re the life of the party, but deep down fear commitment more than they fear choosing one kind of lolly to eat. Their love for Taylor Swift suggests they enjoy emotional rollercoasters, and the mixed lolly bag is their way of embracing chaos in its sweetest form.

These people are strategic. They don’t just share their lollies with their classmates, they gift their worst enemy the candy equivalent of chewing on a flavourless eraser Milk Bottles. Kudos to them for turning lolly-sharing into a subtle act of hate.

MIXED LOLLY BAG

This person is living life on the edge (of a mental breakdown). They’ve mastered the art of surviving on a diet of caffeine and regrets. Energy drinks for breakfast, lunch, and tea? More like the three-course meal of champions if champions were fuelled by equal parts desperation and caffeine-induced heart palpitations.

They consume energy drinks like their sanity depends on it. Let’s face it, it probably does. Their aversion to coffee suggests they prefer their jitters served with a side of chemical aftertaste and diabetes.

02 ENERGY DRINKS

In a world full of processed temptations, these health-conscious warriors are on a quest for a crunchy escape. These nutjobs always start their day with a sunrise yoga session and end it with a kale smoothie bowl, all while wearing Lulu Lemon leggings that cost more than your weekly rent. They’re the kind of people who believe in the power of protein and the sanctity of omega-3 fatty acids.

However, it can be hard being nuts about nuts. After all, perfect macronutrient ratios and maintaining a flawless downward dog pose is no small feat. Namaste, you nutters! May you continue walking the path towards crunchy enlightenment.

WORDS BY JESSIE DAVIDSON A

04

These sugar-coated darlings are every dentist’s nightmare. In a world where nut lovers pretend to understand macronutrient ratios, these chocoholics drown in infinite pools of sugar. They’re the connoisseurs of comfort and cavities. Most will have a full set of veneers by the time they reach 25.

While dentists might cringe at their sugary escapades, these chocolate addicts remain unfazed. They indulge in their favourite guilty pleasure that leaves mouths watering and dental bills skyrocketing. Here’s to the chocolate concubines. The sweethearts with a dental defiance, making the world a little sweeter one cavity at a time.

The human embodiment of a snack-time symphony nobody asked for. They’ve mastered the art of turning every lecture into an unwarranted auditory feast of open-mouthed chewing, coughing, and crunching. They’ve turned snacking into a performance that nobody wanted but can’t escape.

Their greasy fingers and hair are evidence of a love affair with crispy delights. What truly sets them apart is their passion for mansplaining. Fuelled by an unhealthy amount of sodium and a misguided sense of superiority over women, they’re ready to enlighten you about how the Barbie movie was actually an attack against men.

CHOCOLATE BARS CHIPS

05

A self-proclaimed connoisseur of both baked goods and subtle superiority, they convey an air of, “Do you really think your taste buds can appreciate the sophisticated blend of oats and dried apricot like mine can?"

They have a knack for subtle put-downs, as if the act of enjoying the worst tasting cookie to exist grants them an elevated status. Much like their choice in sweets, their personalities are beige, disappointing and underwhelming.

In the academic realm, they thrive on copying the work of others. They are convinced that imitation is the sincerest form of flattery or perhaps just the easiest way to get by after peaking in high school.

06 MRS. HIGGINS FRUITY ANZAC COOKIE

DIARIES

DISCLAIMER: For legal reasons, this is fictional.

Ihave always been willing to go to great lengths in pursuit of a story, but never did I think that would lead me to diving into the dumpsters of Wellington.

With New Zealand’s rising food costs and food wastage, more and more students have taken up the art of dumpster diving.

According to NewsHub, New Zealand supermarkets toss more than 100,000 tonnes of food per year. The reasons? The food having slight imperfections, near expiry dates, or is simply replaced by newer stock even if it’s still edible.

So, when I innocently suggested I’d write an article about dumpster diving, I wasn’t expecting to end up knee-deep in food waste on request of my editor (thanks Sammy).

ART BY BELLA MARESCA A THEY/THEM

‘Twas a Monday evening as I set off to my local Woolworths (RIP Countdown) in pursuit of a dumpster. Sporting my matching Lulu Lemon set and pink gloves�I wanted to at least look cute in the dumpster I set off to find myself a snack.

Alas! Despite my research on Bizarrehobby.com, which told me Wellington was rated New Zealand’s number one hotspot for dumpster diving, the dumpsters I encountered were padlocked shut.

Luckily, @meatloafmullet123 had posted a list on Reddit of their favourite dumpsters in Wellington, one of which was New World. So, off I scurried!

As promised, New World had foolishly left their dumpsters unattended and unlocked. Perfect for the Dumpster Diva to begin her dive!

Within minutes I found bags of bread, apples, courgettes, three boxes of tampons, and a chocolate bar (which I nibbled on for sustenance). After inspecting expiration dates and the food quality, I found no reason why it had all been chucked.

Because dumpster diving is considered theft in New Zealand (theft from whom? The bin?), my main concern was being caught. However, my plan was to blame the idea on Sammy so we could be bunk buddies in prison <3

I was close to implementing this plan when a New World worker came out with more trash. My heart was pounding. I wondered whether I’d look good in an orange jumpsuit and awaited the handcuffs. Instead, he simply handed me a trash bag and told me: “There’s a whole cake in this one. It’s unopened, just a day expired.”

The Dumpster Diva has won over the New World workers… my influence has no bounds.

Feeling like Wellington’s number one diver, I continued my search for food without fear ending up in Wellington’s most notorious Night ‘n Day dumpsters.

Here, I encountered my first group of dumpster divers (none of which were as stylish as me). Wazz, also known as Zeus, my new dumpster diving friend, gave me some hot tips about dumpster diving. He helped me collect a bounty of cupcakes, doughnuts, and sandwiches. Initially, I was a bit freaked out by this six-foot-four, tattooed, beer bellied man. However, when I spotted his Repurrrtation shirt with Taylor Swift’s cat Olivia on the

front, I knew we’d be best friends. We spoke pleasantly of our favourite Taylor Swift songs, Wellington’s best weed dealers, and if I’d like to sleep with him. After politely declining Wazz’s offer I didn’t want to ruin our budding friendship I walked away with a haul of sweet treats and memories.

So, to dive or not to dive?

During my time as Dumpster Diva, I was disappointed in the amount of food waste being produced at a time when students are choosing between paying rent and putting food on the table. It’s truly a symbol of inequality and wastefulness. The food I found lasted me a week, during which I didn’t need to buy anything from the supermarket.

So, I say dive right in, baby!

Yours truly,

WHAT SHARED LUNCH FOOD ARE YOU?

Q1. HOW PUNCTUAL ARE YOU?

A) You take ages to pick an outfit and show up late. But you always look good.

B) You show up 15 minutes early for everything.

C) You always arrive right on time after getting out of bed 20 minutes before.

D) You arrive 5 minutes late only to realise you left your keys at home.

Q4. WHAT DO YOU DO WITH LEFTOVERS IN YOUR FLAT?

A) They become midnight snacks a few hours later.

B) They save everyone from having to cook for 2-3 days.

C) What leftovers?

D) They are sorted into containers and forgotten about until they grow mold.

MOSTLY AS: FAIRY BREAD

You're all about sweetness and have a bright personality. You gravitate towards food that looks particularly aesthetic. When bringing food, you opt for something easy but still a crowd favourite which you know won't have any leftovers.

Q2. DESCRIBE YOUR PERSONAL COOKING STYLE IN A GORDON RAMSAY QUOTE.

A) “I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.”

B) “I don’t need a toaster. I’ve got a Michelin star.”

C) "This fish is so raw it’s still finding Nemo.”

D) “I don’t make mistakes in the kitchen. I create opportunities for new recipes.

Q5. WOULD YOU EAT THE LAST PIECE OF FOOD AT A SHARED LUNCH?

A) Only if it's a dessert.

B) You wouldn’t dare do that in front of everyone.

C) You 100% would. Someone has to.

D) You will sneakily grab it and save it for later.

MOSTLY BS: HOMEMADE SAUSAGE ROLLS

You are a foodie. You take good food seriously. You’re ambitious––and a bit of a perfectionist––who is determined to make the ultimate dish with the freshest ingredients. You aren't really concerned with speed, only making the tastiest and most aesthetic food possible.

Q3. WHAT KIND OF OUTFIT WOULD YOU WEAR TO A MEETING THAT COULD'VE JUST BEEN AN EMAIL?

A) Slay the boots house down! For you, a pointless meeting doesn't mean skimping on a fit.

B) You're a ‘less is more’ kind of person. Clean lines, tailoring, and good quality materials.

C) You throw on the most convenient thing that can pass as acceptable. They shouldn’t expect more from you for wasting your time.

D) You spend forever trying to decide until you run out of time and go with what you wore yesterday.

Q6. WHAT DO YOU WATCH WHILE COOKING?

A) A nostalgic flick you've watched a billion times.

B) A YouTube video essay.

C) TikTok on auto scroll

D) *Insert generic streaming platform here*'s newest show.

MOSTLY CS: A BAG OF CHIPS

You are more of an appreciator than a contributor. You're there to eat free food and a lot of it. As more of a ‘go-with-theflow' type, you won’t think about what you should bring until an hour before and pick up some Prawn Cocktail chips on the way.

MOSTLY DS: FRUIT KEBAB

You’re a creative thinker, you love to try new things and experiment in the kitchen. You’re a little bit indecisive. After all, the possibilities are literally endless, so you go for something that has a little bit of everything.

ART BY BELLA MARESCA A

about sex. All I knew was it involved dick going into vagina (very traditional, I know). So, when I started to feel horny, I turned to anything that was dick shaped. My hairbrush was a common choice. But every now and then when I wanted something longer I would turn to the fridge. A carrot, parsnip, even a cucumber when I was feeling brave and relaxed.

I tried to use my fingers once, but I hated the feeling. I’m sure my Mum wondered where all her vegetables were going. But she never asked, thank fuck.

A couple months ago, I was on my longest dry spell since losing my virginity. My boyfriend broke up with me six months before and I started dating my vibrator. I opened up my go to porn video after a depressingly long morning Zoom lecture. I was close to finishing when my vibrator died. Honestly, that’s on me for buying the $20 one and thrashing it.

I was feeling very desperate that day, so I turned to my old friend�vegetables. I slipped on my old Cotton On pajama shorts and walked to the kitchen with my legs spread out trying to avoid my wetness down there. I grabbed a carrot and scurried back to my room.

I started pumping the carrot in and out. It felt nice in a familiar way. Like hooking up with an ex. I was a lot wetter than usual and once I finished, I realised I had started my period midway through. I wrapped the bloody carrot in some tissues and threw it in the kitchen bin.

I completely forgot about the whole thing ‘til maybe four days later. The kitchen stunk. It smelled like sex and old period blood. My flatmate noticed the smell and took the rubbish bag out. But when he did, my blood covered carrot tore a hole in one of those weak as fuck sustainable rubbish bags. The bloody carrot was poking out—pointing directly at his clothes.

I didn’t say a word. I watched him carry the bag away. When he came back to the kitchen, he had a red stain on his knee. He was annoyed about it, not knowing where it had come from. I watched him use his bare hands to scrub it out.

He chopped up a carrot for dinner the next day and I couldn’t look him in the eye.

A.

Q. THIS NEW GUY I'M HOOKING UP WITH HAS A FOOD KINK. I'M EMBARRASSED TO EVEN EAT IN FRONT OF HIM! HOW DO I GET SEXY WITH FOOD?

A good, meaty question for me to sink my teeth into. Have you seen the sheer amount of dickshaped foods? Grab an ice block from the dairy and make direct eye contact with this guy while you’re sucking it. Cyclone, Calippo, or maybe a Magnum if you’re feeling brave. Deepthroat the thing. Lean in a little, show off your skills, and suck!

But beware. Suck on dick shaped foods�but don’t bite them! You don’t want to scare him off. At your next sausage sizzle, turn away or cover your mouth when you take a bite. I once had a sheep think my dick was a massive daisy and try to take a bite. The girl almost DIY circumcised me. Maybe he’d be into that, but I’m not looking to get my dick chomped.

Another good tactic would be to beat some meat. Buy a juicy steak and go hard in the kitchen. He’ll get the idea. Later you can take that meat beating to the bedroom.

Food and sex are easy to bring together. Make spaghetti (or get takeaways if you can’t be fucked wasting time cooking instead of getting fucked) and slurp it off his body. There’s a reason Cardi B name-dropped macaroni in a pot. Take advantage of the sound, and lick your lips to get rid of the extra sauce.

Another good one is feeding each other. I mean, the Greeks had the whole feedingeach-other-grapes thing down to a T, and we all know how horny those fuckers were. Look at Zeus. But don’t follow his example. If this dude you’re hooking up with turns out to be your cousin, walk the other way. Don’t be like Zeus. Be like me instead. My dick game is so much stronger than his, and I’d give you the pounding of your life instead of turning you into a cow.

JEREMY ALLEN WHITE-BREAD

A PINCH OF CHEATING RUMOURS

A BUCKET OF UGLY HOT. THIS CAN BE SUBSTITUTED FOR A SHOT OF CALVIN KLEIN SINGLETS

A CUP OF HAIR EXTENSIONS IN THE IRON CLAW

A SPOONFUL OF SHORT KING CHARISMA

⅓ CUP OF GENE WILDER SIMILARITIES

A TEASPOON OF LEAVING THIRST COMMENTS ON RANDOM HOT GIRLS’ INSTAGRAMS

3ML (ABOUT 0.1 OZ) OF WHITE BOY OF THE MONTH™

½ TABLESPOON OF RED-FACED SHOUTING

A CUP OF “YES CHEF”

A CUP OF SHAMELESS LIP GALLAGHER’S AWKWARD SEXINESS

Jeremy Allen White is a 33-year-old American actor. He has starred in hit shows like Shameless and The Bear. He is known for his recent Calvin Klein campaign, leading him to secure the white boy of the month title.

ARIES TAURUS GEMINI

Chocolate cake: You won’t be forced by Miss Trunchbull to eat the whole thing, like Bruce was in Matilda. But if you do decide to finish it off, nobody’s stopping you. Walk your own path. Eat all the cake.

Rachel’s Beef Trifle: You get distracted easily, so be careful when cooking this week. Double-check your recipes and DO NOT put beef in the trifle. Uni cooking may be a hot mess, but these two things should be enjoyed separately.

Spaghetti and Meatballs: Lady and the Tramp gave us a beautiful scene it’s time to recreate it! You’re fun and flirty, so get out there and share some delicious spaghetti.

Ratatouille: You can be a bit controlling sometimes, so use that energy to make some delicious ratatouille. Remy is a hero. Be like Remy.

Hazelnut Parsnip soup: Like Rapunzel’s favourite dish, you are warm and comforting to be around. You can never go wrong with soup, so follow in Rapunzel’s bright footsteps and try it out.

SAGITTARIUS

Wonka Chocolate: In honour of the three types of Wonka (will kill for you, will watch you be killed, will kill you), it’s time to stock up on chocolate. Whether to enjoy the taste or to ward off a trio of Wonkas, I can’t say.

CANCER VIRGO

Scooby Snacks: This week, you’ll be surprised to find you

Blue cookies: Percy Jackson was right, so to all my lively Leo demigods, eat blue food this week! Add as much blue food colouring as you can Sally Jackson would want you to!

right order, you’ll be able to eat a delicious Krabby Patty!

AQUARIUS

Bertie Botts Every Flavour Beans: A wildcard at heart, you bring a little bit of everything to the table. Lighthearted and serious, fun and there’s no way to predict you! Whether you get strawberry or earwax, I hope you enjoy your

Tiana’s Beignets: Like Tiana and her signature dessert, you are sweet, hardworking and irresistible! This week, treat yourself to something sweet, and hold

Peanut Butter and Oreos: You can be unexpected at times, but when people get to know you, they quickly realise how great you are! The Parent Trap had its priorities right, so go try some Oreos

CROSSWORD.

ACROSS DOWN

1. Knives, forks, spoons (8)

18. Crescent shaped pastry (9)

2. White food used during sex (7,5)

5. Countdown’s new name (10)

10. Popular Filipino dish (5)

12. Gumboot is a type of what? (3)

13. Movie theatre snack (7)

14. Main ingredient in hummus (9)

16. Synonym of plate (4)

17. Avocado season (6)

20. SpongeBob SquarePants burger (6,5)

24. Base ingredient of gummy bears (7)

25. ________ sizzle (7)

26. Penis shaped fruit (6)

27. An ________ a day keeps the doctor away (5)

3. If you eat it, you die (6)

4. Colourful kiwi dessert (5,4)

6. Chinese utensils (10)

7. Winnie the Pooh’s favourite food (5)

8. Mexican dish that’s folded (5)

9. Te reo Māori word for food (3)

11. Harry Potter drink (10)

15. Te reo Māori word for sweet potato (6)

FIND ALL PUZZLE ANSWERS ON

19. American word for capsicum (4,6)

21. Nut used to make marzipan (6)

22. 2022 horror film starring Anya Taylor-Joy (3,4)

23. What animal does bacon come from? (3)

26. What do pandas eat? (6)

EDITOR IN CHIEF SAMMY CARTER SHE/HER

HEAD OF DESIGN BELLA MARESCA THEY/THEM

TE AO MĀORI EDITOR TE KAKENGA KAWITI-BISHARA

HE/HIM NGĀTI TŪWHARETOA

MANAWATŪ REPORTER ELIZABETH MOISSON

STAFF WRITER AIDEN WILSON THEY/THEM

SUB-EDITOR NATALYA NEWMAN SHE/THEY

ŌTEHĀ REPORTER YESENIA PINEDA SHE/THEY

STAFF WRITER JESSIE DAVIDSON SHE/HER

TE AO MĀORI ILLUSTRATOR KEELIN BELL

NGĀTI MANIAPOTO, ĀTI POROU, NGĀPUHI

PĀMAMAO REPORTER CAITLIN BINGHAM SHE/HER

STAFF WRITER KIRA CARRINGTON SHE/HER

CENTREFOLD ART BY JESS SKUDDER HOROSCOPES BY NATALYA NEWMAN

HE/HIM

ILLUSTRATOR JESS SKUDDER

MASSIVE P*SSY POCKET POCKET WOULD NOT PROVIDE PURRRNOUNS

TIMPLA BY INTUITION FROM A SEAT AT THE TABLE BY GIA ESPELITA WHAT SHARED LUNCH FOOD ARE YOU? BY KIRA CARRINGTON

SPECIAL THANKS TO OUR COVER STAR AND MASSIVE LEGEND, MASON TANGATATAI.