Massive Magazine Manawatu Issue 07 2018

Est. 2012

ManawatĹŤ | July 2018 | 07

No rec centre in sight for wellington Sweet or Sour? Massive explores sugar relationships Self insulate, mate!

The Power of Three: We speak to Massey’s Presidents

Cover Image: Luca Rosseels

Editorial Hi everyone, Welcome back, I hope everyone had a fantastic break. Only half the year left to go now!

In this issue of the magazine we look at why there is no recreation centre on Massey’s Wellington campus. The lack of space for team sports and events means some students are missing out altogether. Students have started a petition and are looking for 500 signatures from students in support of a rec centre. If this is something you want to support, you can head to the MAWSA website and find the petition online.

Statistics show that playing sports can heavily improve a student’s wellbeing. For this reason, it is so important that students on Massey’s Wellington campus have access to facilities where they can join clubs and play sports. Students from Massey’s Manawatū and Albany campuses have fantastic recreation centres, why should it be any different in Wellington?

All of Massey’s students should have access to the same facilities.

Nikki

E V I S S A M

Features

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Column

Sweet or Sour? Is ‘sugar’ dating worth it?

No Rec Centre in sight for Wellington The power of three Shaaan shares her secrets: XO Beauty Self insulate, mate!

Humour 11 36 46

New News: Sport Good Cop, Bad Cop Horoscoping you out

09 10 35 30 37 38 41 43

Political Roundup On the Line Unlonely woman Shower Thoughts Google vs. God Lit Fam or Shit Scam Booked in Cool Beans

Managing Editor: Nikki Papatsoumas editor@mawsa.org.nz

Media Manager: Sarah Grant-Wang 04 9793763 ext. 63763

Design/Layout: Aria Tongs massive@mawsa.org.nz

Manawatū Reporter:

Assistant Designer: Luca Rosseels assistantdesigner@mawsa.org.nz

Bethany Reitsma manawatureporter@mawsa.org.nz

Regulars

06 40 44 45

Contributors: Phillipa Clark Simone Borgstede Kasharn Rao Chris Glavovic Emma Rzepecky Layal Moore Leilani Baker Christina Kirk-Wilson Aria Tongs Peri Miller

Local News Reviews Puzzles Hot or Not

Todd Murray Chantelle de Boer Samantha Stephens Jack Mayo Zoe Jennings Mackenzie Dyer

e v i s s a m

Massive is the student magazine for all Massey University students.

This year we need even more student contributors to fill our pages. If you would like to contribute in any form, please do get in touch.

We’re keen as.

we want you*

llustration writing photography opinion

editor@mawsa.org.nz massive@mawsa.org.nz

*Well, Pocket specifically.

We only semi need you.

In the nicest way possible.

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LOCAL NEWS

Stress less throughout the semester

Bus safety a concern for students

Stress Free Study Week was a success, with furry friends taking over the campus for the Doggie De-Stress event, and the Big Breakfast feeding over 500 students.

Last semester, there was a 50 per cent increase in overall student engagement with Stress Free Study Week events held in week 12.

Due to its popularity, Massey University Students’ Association (MUSA) now plans to restructure Stress Free Study Week and organise de-stressing activities throughout the semester.

MUSA Welfare Officer Ngahuia Kirton says she believes students would benefit from having help to de-stress well before the pressure of exams sets in.

“Providing help in study week is leaving it pretty late to try and relieve stress for students, so I think that having events and workshops throughout the semester to help students relax and learn to manage their stress would be a great way to go about it.

“We could help students to reduce their stress a lot better if we ran events like this earlier in the semester.

“For semester two I’m looking at only having the Doggie De-Stress and the Big Breakfast during study week and running other events across the whole semester.

“We’ve recently started planning these events for Ssmester two, and we would love to be working in conjunction with Massey departments like Health and Counselling and the Rec Centre.”

Kirton says MUSA volunteers play a huge role in all the events, which couldn’t run the way they do otherwise.

Third year BA student Alannah Hoskin volunteers for MUSA and says she loves seeing students happy and able to relax for a bit during the busy weeks.

“It’s nice to be able to do my small part in helping students feel welcome, comfortable and respected, and these kinds of events make for good conversation starters when you’re surrounded by hundreds of students.

“Overall volunteering is such a fun and rewarding opportunity, and MUSA are wonderful to work with.”

Results from a recently released survey on Massey students’ use of Horizons buses show that students are concerned about a lack of late bus services.

Around 75 per cent of students who responded to the survey say buses are the main mode of transport for them to get to and from the Manawatū campus.

Just under 50 per cent say they use the buses for daily commuting, with about 40 per cent using them one to four times a week.

Several students say they feel unsafe, as a lack of late bus services means they must find their own way home, often walking back to the city from campus in the dark.

“One time I didn’t realise the buses stopped earlier and I ended up stranded in town with no method of transport at night…it was definitely very scary trying to walk home,” says one student.

“The biggest risk is walking in the dark.

“This is because the lighting is poor in the Summerhill area and I feel that pedestrians are just not overly visible to drivers, particularly the trucks that drive this route to Ashhurst.”

Massey University Students’ Association (MUSA) President Ben Schmidt says bus services are great for students but there is still a long way to go.

“It’s not good enough that students are feeling unsafe walking home, are faced with choices of safety or study, and cannot participate in student life like at other cities due to the early closing of bus routes,” he said.

“Students in the suburbs on 12A, 12B, and 12B routes in particular should not have their last bus leaving at 6.10pm, or up to 8pm as a connecting route…It’s not just a student issue either, better busses benefit the whole community.”

The buses aren’t just a safety issue but a convenience issue.

“I often have lectures and labs that run late and it’s difficult to cope with when the last bus is around 6pm,” says one student in response to the survey.

“On days I might finish late I am forced to bike even if it’s terrible weather as I have no car.”

Student association Presidents of Massey, IPU New Zealand Tertiary Institution and UCOL have presented a submission on the Horizons Regional Council Long Term Plan, asking council to consider the need for later buses for students.

Bethany Reitsma manawatureporter@mawsa.org.nz

Bethany Reitsma manawatureporter@mawsa.org.nz

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Akitio in lights Jamie-Lee Bracken wellingtonreporter@mawsa.org.nz

Zarah (Sarah) Watson is writing and co-producing ‘Akitio’.

An upcoming short film showcasing New Zealand’s landscape will be written and co-produced by one of Massey’s own.

Recent graduate Zarah Watson says she came up with the idea for her short film ‘Akitio’ after reading a poem with the same by New Zealand Poet James K Baxter.

Baxter’s poem ‘At Akitio’ describes the landscape of Akitio, a small town in Tararua in the North Island.

Watson says she has secured rights to the poem, and the film will be shot over several days on location later this year.

Creative New Zealand, a national arts organisation that promotes creative arts has chosen to fund the project.

Watson says the organisation felt the short film was a project worth supporting.

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She says she thinks it’s important that audiences support the film too as it has an ‘eco-friendly’ message.

“It really focuses on the beauty of the landscape and the need for us to sustain our environment,” she says.

Watson has been a passionate poet since she was ten and has her own website called Black Tulip Creative which showcases developing projects like this one.

She says creative students can gain a lot of experience from being involved in similar projects.

She hopes her short film will nab a spot in international film festivals once released.

For more information go to: www.blacktulipcreative.com/ akitio

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New international buddy system in the pipeline Jamie-Lee Bracken wellingtonreporter@mawsa.org.nz

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International Student trip in 2017 A new buddy system will help international students make friends and forge strong relationships on the Massey Wellington campus.

The programme will be trialed from the beginning of semester two and was developed by Massey Wellington Students’ Association International Executive, Clara Gan. The system will help international students transition into life at Massey Wellington, something Gan says will help them enjoy university more.

“It will help to achieve a better and more positive experience in a new, unfamiliar country,” she says.

“It takes courage to uproot and move to a new place and I feel that Massey should provide more support to help [ students] settle in more easily.”

Gan says international students are really enjoying their on-campus experience but often feel shy when it comes to socialising.

She says that although clubs and events help this some students still don’t always feel confident.

“I think this programme will be a way to ease their nerves in a foreign environment,” says Gan. In the future she’s hopeful this programme will continue to adapt and will have a positive impact on the social aspect of their life at Massey.

Domestic students interested in volunteering to be a buddy contact: international@mawsa.org.nz.

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Direct, funny and refreshing: Chloe Swarbrick visits the Albany Politics Club.

Mackenzie Dyer albanyreporter@mawsa.org.nz

Marijuana and Winston Peters were the topic of conversation when New Zealand’s youngest MP Chloe Swarbrick visited the Albany campus last month.

Swarbrick visited the Politics Club on June 1 at the Round Room – the second time the young politician has made an appearance on campus.

True to her first visit during last year’s election, the Green MP answered questions directly, her new role not changing her transparent approach to politics.

“I’m a bad politician and will answer anything. You can literally ask me whatever you want.”

The club was not too shy to quickly ask about Swarbrick’s failed medicinal marijuana bill and the politician discussed the rushed way she presented the bill to parliament.

The bill was originally not hers, but the party needed someone to present it after the original author, Julie Anne Genter, became a minister.

While Swarbrick was honest about the less than ideal circumstances in which she presented the bill, she did say she was disappointed the government did not collaborate their bill with the Greens.

Swarbrick was also asked whether she thinks Deputy Prime Minister Winston Peters will misbehave while filling in as acting Prime Minister while Jacinda Ardern is on maternity leave.

However, she assured the club the idea of Winston doing something crazy was just media hype.

Swarbrick’s chat ended with the MP leaving with 15 minutes until her flight.

With a 40-minute journey ahead of her to the airport it remains unknown whether she made it.

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The Impact Challenge kicks off the Mid-Year Break.

Mackenzie Dyer albanyreporter@mawsa.org.nz Solving world hunger and fighting for gender equality were just some of the puzzles students were asked to solve at a recent event.

This was part of The Impact Challenge, a two-day event held on Massey’s Albany campus at the beginning of the mid-year break.

Teams are given the task of creating solutions for the United Nations Sustainable Development Goals (SDGs) that encapsulate the world’s most pressing and detrimental issues.

There are 17 SDGs, including no more hunger, quality education and gender equality.

Attendee Monique Neal says it was a very immersive two days.

“It was hard coming up with ideas, but the mentors were all super helpful in guiding our train of thought,” she says.

These mentors were industry professionals from companies like Microsoft, who encouraged the teams to come up with modern solutions that incorporated Artificial Intelligence and Virtual Reality.

Neal’s team had to come up with ways to reduce poverty, deciding to focus on how government corruption contributes to the issue.

“Aid parcels go straight to the government, and they sell them on the black market to try and pay off their debt” she says.

“The people never receive the food or books.”

This led her team to think of more effective ways the western world could help third world countries, ensuring those effected receive the education and resources intended for them.

The Impact Challenge was organised by the e-Centre, Massey’s enterprise and innovation hub.

For more of their programmes and events, check out www. ecentre.org.nz

COLUMN

Massive Magazine presents its

political d n up u o r

Seymour gets voted out of DWTS… finally…

Despite a plethora of cringe worthy performances Leader of the Act Party David Seymour certainly surprised everyone by making it into the semi-finals of Dancing with the Stars New Zealand. He was eventually voted off after going head to head with fellow contestant Shavaughn Ruakere in a unanimous decision by the judges.

Despite having zero rhythm and questionable costume taste, Seymour can be proud of the fact he danced his way into kiwi hearts. He is certainly memorable on the dance floor.

Fees Free failure?

Late last month the government released its first round of data on its Fees Free policy. The policy

gives students access to free education in their first year of tertiary study. Education Minister Chris Hipkins described the information, which showed 33,000 students and trainees were taking advantage of the scheme, as “very encouraging”. “That’s a great start to our commitment to reduce financial barriers to New Zealanders participating in post-school education and training,” he said.

The National Party weren’t as receptive to data, calling the governments policy a $2.8 billion “failure”.

National’s tertiary education spokeswoman Paula Bennett says that with just 0.3 per cent more students at university, well shy of the government’s expected 15 per cent increase, the scheme is a failure. It’s early days and it will be interesting to

study data after a year of the scheme being in place.

Welcome to the world Neve Te Aroha Ardern Gayford The world literally waited with bated breath when Prime Minister Jacinda Ardern announced she was in labour (no pun intended) on June 21. Later that day Ardern announced through her Insta accounts that she had given birth to a healthy baby girl, weighing 3.31kgs.

Three days later Ardern and her partner Clarke Gayford introduced their beautiful baby girl Neve to the world.

Winnie takes the reins Ladies and gentlemen Winnie is in the building. The 73-year-old career politician has stepped into the Prime Minister’s role while Jacinda Ardern is on maternity

leave. From taking a jibe at a meatless burger to missing his scheduled interviews with media on more than one occasion, Peters time at the top has been nothing if not interesting.

Kiwibuild confusion Labour’s Kiwibuild scheme plans to deliver 100,000 affordable homes to kiwis.

Fifty per cent of these homes will be built in Auckland.

More information about the programme was announced

by Housing and Urban Development Minister Phil Twyford earlier this month.

Those eligible are individuals who earn up 120,000 a year and couples who earn 180,000 a year. These figures have been criticised with some saying it is not providing any assistance to those on lower or middle incomes.

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COLUMN

ON THE LINE Writer: Leilani Baker This fortnightly column stays true to its name by discussing all things sports including controversies on and off the field. Whether you enjoy a casual brew whilst watching the rugby, or your inner demon emerges when the football comes on, this column is dedicated to you, the sport-lovers of Massey.

Fuelled by food We’ve all seen them- for some of us they flood our Facebook newsfeeds. Vegan memes.

My bet is everyone reading this will know at least one person who lives the vegan lifestyle.

And despite the negative stigma, we have to commend their efforts- no vegan is passive about it that’s for sure. But I’m interested in Vegan athletes.

Over the past couple of months, I have been thoroughly researching the vegan lifestyle and how this affects athletes. Protein in particular is a vital part of muscle recovery and strength. Yet vegans don’t eat high protein food such as eggs, meat, and milk.

I was amazed when I sat down with one of Wellington’s top body-builder’s John Dearaza and his wife, aspiring nutritionist Ahava.

Dearaza who trains eight to 10 clients a day as a Les Mills personal trainer also fits in at least eight trainings a week. And the icing on the cake is he lives a whole-food plant based, oil and supplement-free lifestyle.

It sounds intense but it’s pretty simple.

Veganism is where someone removes all animal products from their diet including meat and dairy. This lifestyle is usually adopted for environmental and ethical purposes.

A whole-food plant-based diet on the other hand, also removes processed foods such as potato chips, oreos, and dried fruits.

This lifestyle is usually adopted for health reasons but can also be for environmental and ethical purposes. ‘

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“You can still be a very unhealthy vegan,” Ahava says. The couple don’t cook with oil as it has zero health benefits. Instead, they use water and vegetable stock, or broths.

What on Earth do they eat? Black rice, red potatoes, kumara, lots of leafy greens and a plethora of other veggies. “Eat the rainbow,” is Ahava’s motto.

One of the biggest myths is that people who cut meat and diary from their diets don’t get enough dairy. What most don’t realise is protein is in beans, grains, and many vegetables. Dearaza's success is testimony to the fact an winning body-builder doesn’t have to consume meat, dairy, or supplements.

It’s all well and good being an “environmentalist hippie” as Dearaza says.

But as an athlete what really matters to him is his health.

“I’d starve myself of nutrients leading up to big competitions, then after winning I’d go to Burer Fuel and get the biggest burger and large fries.”

“I made the change 10 months ago to go plant-based and feed all my muscles including my heart and brain- they’re the most important muscles you have.”

And Dearaza isn’t alone in this movement.

Athletes such as Venus Williams, UFC fighter Nate Diaz, and surfer Tia Blanco all plant-based athletes. Even 70-year-old Arnold Schwarzenegger is a vegan advocate

stressing that removing animal products from your diet is proven to reduce and reverse diseases such as heart disease.

It’s a personal choice and one that requires plenty of research.

Over the past few months I’ve given the whole-food plant-based lifestyle a go and so far I’m loving it. Call it placebo but I genuinely feel more focused and energised, I’m sleeping better, and my skin has cleared.

I, like Dearaza, was one of those people who would roll my eyes at the idea of veganismbut when you look at food as fuel, all that changes. I’m no eco-warrior or activist, but there’s no denying vegan and plant-based lifestyles are a growing trend, even amongst the world’s biggest athletes.

Pass or play A mix between basketball and netball, Korfball is a Dutch, eight-a-side sport Interestingly, the game is mixed-gendered which caused much controversy when it originated in 1920. Korfball is played all over the world but is popular in Belgium and Taiwan. The New Zealand national Korfball team is nicknamed The Korus. There aren’t many Korfball clubs regionally. However, Canterbury have a well-established Korfball club, and the sport is starting to appear in University leagues.

Ponder that The average golf ball has 336 dimples

SATIRE

sport Writer: Chris Glavovic

Throughout 2018 we have been lucky enough to witness a number of spectacular sporting events. In April, we were thrilled to see a major sporting event that wasn't dominated by either China or the United States — the Commonwealth Games. Currently, we're in the midst of another exciting FIFA Football World Cup, already bringing some incredible results — Australia hasn't won a game. Looking forward, we still have so much to come!

The Tour de France, Wimbledon, the Tiddlywinks World Finals, and the much expected Underwater Badminton match between Senegal and Armenia. The New News is excited to not only bring you the latest sports updates and news, but it will also condense everything you need to know about the sporting year into one succinct, and entirely accurate article. You'll be clearing your schedule as you read!

The 2018 Football World Cup has brought the entire world together. It is said that football is a language understood around the globe — yet people who don't follow or support football continue to disagree.

However, everyone knows that nothing beats the pure thrill of getting up early to watch a bunch of blokes kicking a ball around a big field. In World Cup news, players remain impossible to recognise because nearly all of them have the exact same haircut. Additionally, there has been talk of Hollywood scouts attending games to look for talent in acting roles.

In an interview with Quentin Tarantino, the director stated, "the players seem to develop a knack for falling over in a dramatic sense. They handle their anger in such an absurd and utterly childlike

fashion... I want that in my next film".

In other World Cup news, there was confusion surrounding an internal flight for the Icelandic team, as there were too many players with names that end in 'son', meaning that not enough tickets were booked. Although there was a slight delay in the match, the team made it safely through in the end. Carrying on, you might be surprised to know that people still watch tennis. There are actually a number of people — albeit small — excited for Wimbledon in July.

According to the Queen herself, "it'll be jolly spiffy!" That just about wraps up tennis news.

There has already been controversy leading up to the Tour de France as the growing popularity of e-Bikes has misguided commuters into believing they are professional cyclists. An American team named e-Win has been denied entrance to the race as they insisted on riding their e-Bikes, despite the strict rules surrounding bike construction.

In a statement on Twitter, team captain Ché Vidnuts said, "our e-Bikes are still better than doping. Utter malarkey". In other Tour news, officials have limited what cyclists can stuff into their lycra shorts, saying that, "stuffing drink bottles into lycra shorts gives off the wrong impression, despite its usefulness to riders. Cyclists will be limited to bitesized snacks and drink sachets in their shorts to reduce the amount of bulge seen on television".

We have seen several substantial global developments, perhaps the most contentious is the inclusion of Team Unity — an all-star Olympic team made up of "has-beens" and former

athletes. Some of the big names filling the rosters of Team Unity include Mike Tyson and Lance Armstrong. Tyson and Armstrong appear to be fit and healthy in preparation for the games, and their training coach, Tiger Woods, says that training has been coming along well. In an interview with The New News, Woods stated, "the boys are shaping up nicely. There are frequent distractions with kids, ‘real-life’ issues, mistresses, and stuff like that—you know how it is.

However, I remain confident that we'll show the world what we're made of!" In an interview with Mike Tyson, he stated, "I am 100 per cent focuthed. I am in my thone. I've made my thacrifithes.

Imma get out there, no matter who it ith, and whoop hith ath". A cool and collected Armstrong said, "I guess my biggest rival at this stage is the preliminary drug test.”.

It is our hope at The New News that you are excited for all the momentous sporting events to come this year. Nothing is quite as rousing as a solid sporting event. It's like the perfect cup of tea. Or perhaps biting into a freshly cut pomegranate.

You know it, we know it, now let us crack open a beverage and relax on the couch while our favourite athletes do the hard work.

Read more: thenewnewsworldwide.wordpress.com/ *The New News analyses the most critical issues of modern society. Leonardo Da Vinci once said, "it is important to read The New News because it'll make you smart—or something..." Keeping with tradition, we inform our readers on a wide range of topics including religion, politics, and ingrown toenails.

The New News brings the most satirical, and most important news events into the spotlight.

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FEATURE

Massive Magazine has a new website.

Keep up to date with everything Massive at www.massivemagazine.org.nz

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feature

Sweet or Sour?

Is a 'sugar' relationship really worth it?

Let’s talk relationships. Can you buy a relationship? Even then is that OK? Is it socially acceptable for there to be an exchange of money or gifts in a relationship?

I mean where am I going right? “Sugar” relationships see a Sugar Daddy or Mummy providing financial assistance to a Sugar Baby in return for companionship. Through apps and websites people right here in New Zealand can make these kinds of connections. Massive dives into the sweet (sometimes sour) nature of these unique relationships.

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FEATURE

So, I planned on testing out what it’s like to be a Sugar Baby by meeting a Sugar Daddy online. I set up a profile on Seeking Arrangements and messaged some Sugar Daddies. But I quickly pulled the plug. I decided I didn’t want to meet any because well, to put it frank, I freaked the fuck out. I was constantly going around in circles about whether or not I could do it. Part of me not going ahead with it was because I thought, what if I like it? Because yo, I need the money, I am not going to lie. So, let’s explain my situation. I have credit card debt that needs to be completely paid off by January next year. Your probably like how could you do that? Honestly, I brought a laptop and then would just buy food, smokes and petrol, but I just wouldn’t transfer the money back over…stupid mistake.

So, I picked up my ovaries and thought lets fucking do this. For no other reason than for my research.

So, I went on to Seeking Arrangements. A man had messaged me. Let’s call this dude Johnny Boy because I don’t know his actual name. No one uses their real name on Seeking Arrangement because that’s just fucking stupid.

Anyway, Johnny Boy and I chat, and I eventually suggest we get a drink, so we can discuss an arrangement. Johnny Boy and I set up a date.

His photos weren’t that great. But you know how sometimes you see photos of people and you can just tell that they would be better in person? Well I knew Johnny Boy would be one of those people.

So, we arrive at the cafe. I sat at a table and he came up to me. Fuck me sideways this dude was bloody handsome! I wasn’t expecting that. Now he was in his forties and had a very high paying job. He offered to buy me a drink and I said I can get my own (because I am an independent woman right here). But he insisted, so I was like what the heck OK. We talked for an hour and a half I am not even shitting you, it was like sooooo bloody good.

We chatted about everything from his job, expartner, kids, travel and just life. We went to say our goodbyes because we both had stuff on that night. I hate the awkward goodbyes so I said as we went to leave that I needed to go to the loo but I’ll say bye

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now. We hugged and I said I’ll see you later and he said the same.

Now I had been shitting myself about going on my first Sugar Baby date. Like I had other ones planned in the past but I backed out. But I finally did it. And I’m so bloody happy I did, because honestly it went so well. Like I don’t think it could have gone any better. This guy Johnny Boy was the perfect person for me to have my first Sugar Daddy date with. He was a complete gentleman. Now the juicy part, the part you’re all wondering, is Johnny Boy my new Sugar Daddy? I mean it seems like we had an amazing date right? Well yea naaaaaah unfortunately not. He just wasn’t interested in me like that. I followed up with a message. “Hey, was great meeting you let me now if you want to do it again.” No reply… Which sucks because I thought he was cool and I wanted to get to know him more.

Yes, I could get all down about it but at the end of the day everyone has their type and I wasn’t his so that’s fine. I still had a great time and appreciated him buying me a drink.

"So, I picked up my ovaries and thought lets fucking do this sis.

So, let’s talk more about the science behind Sugar Babies and Sugar Daddies/Mummies. There’s so many sites out there that you can use but the one I recommend would definitely have to be Seeking Arrangements. It’s one of the better ones and I haven’t personally had any problems with it. So, what is a relationship like for a Sugar Baby? Well it’s basically an arrangement. The Sugar Daddy/ Mummy are looking for companionship and the Sugar Baby is looking for a financial gain.

According to Seeking Arrangements, “a sugar relationship is defined by a Sugar Daddy who provides financial assistance to a Sugar Baby”.

The website explains that the dynamic of Sugar

MASSIVE

Daddy/Baby relationship is not unlike a normal dating relationship. “They can be intimate, they go out to dinner, and they spend time together”.

So, unlike what a lot of people might think, it’s not prostitution or escorting. It’s a relationship between two people and it benefits both. I need to pay off debt and these men want me for my companionship. Whether its a coffee date, a dinner date or a holiday away. All the men I have chatted with are either divorced or have just come out of a long-term relationship. They have said they don’t want a girlfriend, but they want someone to go places with once a week. They are all heavily involved in their careers and children but still want the company. You know what, I get that. Everyone wants to go out for dinners with a friend and that’s basically what you are.

Don’t get me wrong there are people on Seeking Arrangement that are solely using it to get their dick wet in exchange for money. I’ve had people solely ask for sex. I even had one dude willing to pay for a boob job as long as he got to play with them afterwards. I really ain’t shitting you there. There are some users who have major daddy fetishes as I found out through a friend. In other words, they want you to call them daddy and they get off on this major power play. There’s some men willing to pay $1000 for a one nighter. But this isn’t what the website is meant to be about.

A rule I have is that I will not see a Sugar Daddy who has a partner or is married because fuck that shit. I am not the other woman and I never will be. I’ve witnessed cheating first hand. Plenty of my friends have been cheated on and in all honestly it is the worst feeling in the world.

One thing I will say is this shit isn’t for the faint hearted. I spoke to a friend who was Sugar Baby for a while and she had some horrible experiences. “A man who had a daddy fetish made me say things like I love you with all my heart daddy,” she says. “He paid me $1200 for 24 hours but I left within 12 I just realised it was not what I signed up for. It was my first ever experience.” I asked her if she had any regrets from her time as a sugar baby.

“Meeting up with people for one off cash jobs at shitty hotels for one hour. It also sucks because I’d never want to tell my future partners about it because of the judgement they would give me” However, it isn’t all negative, she tells me.

Otherwise she wouldn’t do it.

“When I found out one of the Sugar Daddies was married I called it quits with him straight away and as a kind gesture he put $1000 in my account to say thank you for our time together.”

I asked another Sugar Baby I have met about her best experience using Seeking Arrangement.

“My best experience was probably travelling,” she says.

“I spent a month in America and Australia I also got $1000 spending money twice a week and at this point had built a great 'relationship' with my Sugar Daddy.”

So, there you go. These arrangements can have their perks.

At the end of the day this is a business deal. You’re not necessarily going to find the love of your life or a partner doing this. That’s not what it’s for and it’s also not what these people are after. It’s business.

This is not for everyone and it never will be.

I am still on Seeking Arrangement and still going on dates with Sugar Daddies because it’s hella interesting and I want you all to hear about what really goes on. I feel like so many people have this misinterpretation about what goes on and it’s not what you think. I didn’t grow up in a broken household, I don’t have daddy issues or any of that.

I grew up in a loving household. I have an amazing relationship with my father who I love dearly. I’m extremely open about all concepts of my life. Am I worried that me doing this will put off any man being interested in me in the future? Absolutely fucking not. I wouldn’t want to be with a man who judges me.

To read more, head to the unlonelywoman.com

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FEATURE

No Rec Centre in sight for Wellington Writer: Nikki Papatsoumas

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Four teams of students have missed out on playing as part of a sports league this year due to the a lack of a recreation centre on Massey’s Wellington campus.

Student leaders have now started a petition and are seeking support from 500 students who would like to see a rec centre built on the capital’s campus.

Massey’s Wellington campus is currently the only of Massey’s three campuses to not have a recreation centre.

"When asked what other options were available to students who missed out on joining the sports league, a spokeswoman pointed students towards the gym."

This means options when it comes to physical activity and sports are limited for students.

Massey Wellington had a Recreation Centre, but it was closed in 2015 and converted into a space for the campus’ Bachelor of Commercial Music programme.

In 2016 Massey University’s then Vice Chancellor, Steve Maharey, told Massive Magazine there were plans to re-introduce a recreation centre on the Wellington campus.

“The College of Health is on the campus; sports people are on this campus – we want students to be able to have recreational facilities,” Maharey told Massive.

He went on to say the University Registrar at the time, Stuart Morris, would be re-introducing a Recreation Centre as quickly as he could.

Two years later, Massey appears to have back tracked on this promise, with Massey University spokeswoman Louise Vallant quashing rumours a rec centre could be on the way.

“There are no immediate plans to build additional recreation space at the Wellington campus,” Vallant says.

“The university continually considers new facilities on campus as part of the campus development planning process.”

While Massey Wellington has a gym available to students, Massive has learnt that many students have been turned away from taking part in team sports due to a lack of space.

Students can participate in the university’s volleyball, netball and soccer sports leagues, which are hosted near-by at Wellington High School.

However, this year four teams across the three sports leagues were turned away as the programme had reached full capacity.

The current capacity is 32 teams, with a minimum team size of 10 players.

When asked what other options were available to students who missed out on joining the sports league, Vallant pointed students towards the gym.

“The Wellington campus features a gym with very competitive membership rates for students and yoga and dance classes and self-defence workshops are offered on campus.”

However, the Massey gym does not offer dance classes and self-defence workshops, these are offered through the Massey at Wellington Students’ Association (MAWSA).

Third year communications student Leilani Baker says playing sports has always been a huge part of her stress control.

“So, you can imagine my disappointment when I came to Massey and discovered there was no rec centre. I went and played netball for Victoria University because they had the ability range and facilities I was looking for.

“I’m not alone in this- heaps of students play for other clubs,” she says.

“Even just having a Massey league in a place which actually belongs to Massey rather than a school gymnasium would be more appealing,” says Baker.

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MAWSA President Emma Pearce agrees, saying students on Massey’s Wellington campus need a rec centre.

“Massey students are having to use Wellington High School's building as there isn’t enough space.

“This to me seems proof enough that a rec centre on campus would definitely be worth the investment.”

Pearce says she believes students need their own place on campus where a sense of community and belonging can be created.

“Massey places a focus on wellbeing and having

“The Wellington campus features a gym with very competitive membership rates for students and yoga and dance classes and self-defence workshops are offered on campus.” students who are physically healthy having a rec centre will only help students in these areas.”

Pearce has now created a petition and she is asking students to show their support of a new rec centre.

“Once we have gathered 500 signatures I will pass this on to Stuart Morris,” she says.

“I would encourage any students who are keen to see a rec centre on campus to sign the petition online or pop up to MAWSA and sign in person.”

On Massey’s Manawatū and Albany campuses, students pay a recreation centre levy, which goes towards the costs of running a Recreation Centre.

In 2018 students in Albany pay $153.20 and students in Manawatū pay $74.40.

Vallant says the cost of the Auckland levy is higher because it is being used in part to cover the recreation centre’s construction costs.

She says currently there is no intention to introduce a recreation centre levy for the Wellington campus.

In December 2015, the recreation program was displaced from building T21 to temporarily relocate academic programs during the upgrade of Block 1.

Prior to this the space was used to deliver social sport, group fitness, and provide space for the MAWSA clubs programme.

The MAWSA clubs programme is now operating out of various smaller spaces on campus, many of which aren’t big enough to host monthly club events.

MAWSA Clubs Coordinator Tim Kendrew says the lack of space is making it difficult for clubs to meet on a regular basis.

“As an example, the Ultimate Frisbee Club currently meets at the Wellington High School field,” says Kendrew.

“There isn’t much time available to hire the school’s gym and there is a cost associated with that which is prohibitive to the club. If we had a rec centre they could be using that.”

Kendrew says there was once a basketball club, but it died because there was nowhere to play.

“It’s not just sports clubs. The Dance Club would use it,” says Kendrew.

“The Dance Club are using a theatre lab space, which is the only place on campus with an appropriate floor. Their timing is limited to the very few spots where that room is available.”

Kendrew says Massey Wellington students should be offered the same opportunities as students on Massey’s other campuses.

“Having space for students to build community is vital to their well-being,” he says.

To sign the petition, head to the MAWSA website or pop in on Level two of the Student Services Trust Building on the Wellington campus.

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FEATURE

the power of

three Writer: Nikki Papatsoumas

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Massey University is made up of more than 33,000 students spread across its three campuses in Wellington, Manawatū and Auckland. Students are an integral part of the makeup of the university and on each campus a small group of student representatives are elected every year to ensure students well-being and needs are met. Heading into the second semester of the year, Massive Magazine talks to Massey University’s three student Presidents, on each of its campuses, about their roles and the hard work they are completing on a day-to-day basis behind the scenes.

“Every single student on campus should know what MUSA does” In Palmerston North Benjamin Schmidt and his team of Executives are busy gearing up for the second half of the year.

Schmidt is no stranger to student politics, having served as a volunteer for the Massey University Students’ Association (MUSA) in his first year at university. In his second year he took up the role of Welfare Officer and from there it was an easy transition into presidency.

Unlike Presidents on Massey’s sister campuses, the MUSA President’s role is full-time, although Schmidt is still picking up some papers each semester while he works away at his degree.

Schmidt says he is thrilled with the great work the Executive has already achieved so far this year.

“It’s really good,” he says. “It’s been really exciting in that our team is getting through a bit of stuff.”

This year, MUSA has been able to provide free food to students on campus through Just Zilch, a local free store. They are also working with the Horizons Regional Council to see later bus services offered to students who are working from campus.

Unfortunately, it hasn’t been all positives for Schmidt, who continues to express a disappointment in Massey University

surrounding issues with its online management system.

Masseys student management system (SMS) made headlines earlier this year after students were left locked out of courses and unable to enrol.

“SMS was a huge failure and continues to be,” he says. “The fact the students didn’t get a genuine apology [from the university] is quite disappointing.”

He says they were however, able to turn this negative into a positive.

“We worked to be a voice for students and a megaphone. We used the media to make it an issue for the university and took it to the University Council. It also brought the students’ associations closer together.”

Schmidt says health and wellbeing and financial hardship continue to be the major issues plaguing students in 2018.

“Health and Counselling services on campus are under staffed and students have to wait too long.

“Students still have to borrow money to live, student allowances are only available to a few people and the cost of living is increasing.”

And that is the role of the student Executive, to be a strong and effective voice for students. And that is Schmidt’s goal, to be heard more so than ever before.

“I want to be more vocal than we have been in the past, stick with our kaupapa and improve our engagement.

“We need to be engaged with students,” says Schmidt. “Every single student on campus should know what MUSA does.

“Students are the heart of the university.

It’s built around students who are here to learn and research so it’s vital they are represented. They are paying money and putting themselves into a life time of debt, so they should be getting good value out of it.”

“When students get motivated, put a foot forward and have their say, we can move mountains” Unlike Schmidt, Albany Students’ Association (ASA) President Jason Woodroofe is new to student politics.

This is his first year on the association (in an interview with Massive last year he says he decided to run to try and solve issues the association was facing).

Woodroofe says the year has been a rollercoaster, and it’s an experience he wouldn’t trade in.

“This year has an amazing learning experience, not without its challenges and difficult times, but worth it for sure,” he says.

“I think the sheer diversity of events and projects you get to be involved in is incredible, and I can without a doubt 29

FEATURE say that my time at ASA has taught me more than my degree has in three years.”

Despite having only been in a leadership role for a year, Woodroofe is passionate when it comes to explaining its importance.

“Student representation in universities is so important for so many reasons.

“You only need to look at how much students pay to study each year to realise that we are the primary stakeholders in tertiary education. We fund it, so we should have a say in how it works, it really is as simple as that.

“When students get motivated, put a foot forward and have their say, we can move mountains.”

Like his colleagues Woodroofe is concerned about financial hardships that students face in 2018.

“A major one for students is that the cost of living within Auckland is continuing to rise, and with petrol taxes just around the corner this is definitely something that will be a major issue in 2019 too.”

Woodroofe says the team at ASA are working hard to continually improve budgeting workshops and welfare advocacy for students.

“It’s a lot of pressure to manage personal finances for many students, especially if this is their first time living away from home.

“We are working to break down the stigma around financial management and let students know that it’s ok to make mistakes, and that ASA is here to help.”

Woodroofe says he was pleased the university considered students’ voices when it came to making decisions around the College of Science’s strategic plan.

“The team at ASA, as well as so many other staff, students and industry

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stakeholders worked really hard to ensure students’ voices were heard, so it was awesome to see that students were so strongly considered in the final strategy,” he says.

Pearce for President Emma Pearce was elected as the Massey at Wellington Students’ Association President after a high energy campaign against rival and fellow 2017 Executive member Jack Mayo.

Pearce has always had a keen interest in student politics and student wellbeing. She was a Residential Advisor at a student hall in Wellington and ran for the University Council in 2016 (she lost to David McNab, who is also President of the Massey University Extramural Students’ Society).

“So far, this year has been incredible,” says Pearce.

“The job isn't what I thought it was going to be, but the challenges I've faced alongside my exec have been so much fun.

“To be able to work with my team has been the best experience of it all and to collaborate with leaders in the Wellington community to make a difference is an opportunity like no other.”

This year a big focus for Pearce and her team has been encouraging lecturers and students to take more interest in the class representative programme.

Currently it is not compulsory for lecturers to nominate a class representative and this is something Pearce, her Executive and MAWSA staff want to change.

“I have lots of little goals for both myself and the rest of my team and executive that I hope we can achieve by the end of the year.”

Pearce says there are a plenty of issues

facing students in 2018, from flatting issues with dodgy landlords, mouldy flats, and not being able to afford living costs, to mental health issues.

“From the university itself, there is an emphasis placed on grades and academic success,” she says.

“Though it's a justified focus as that's one of the primary focuses of a university, there needs to be more of a focus on student wellbeing, and student's happiness.

“As MAWSA’s Welfare Executive has said many times, "supported and encouraged students will most likely do better academically because they're in a good headspace".”

For this reason, Pearce says the Executive have tried to focus on participating in projects that will have a positive impact on the overall student experience.

“Projects such as Wellness Wednesdays and the Don’t Guess the Yes campaign are helping to contribute to this,” she says.

For anyone eyeing up Pearce’s job next year, she says the presidency is really what you make of it.

“It's exciting, scary, but loads of fun with a team behind you that only want the best for you.

“To whoever decides to run, ask as many questions as you can about the role, there's a lot that goes on behind the scenes that many staff and students aren't aware of.”

She says the role of student Executive is vital.

“The university would be nothing without its students,” she says.

“Massey needs us to be the institution it is, it only makes sense that you cater any changes to the students’ needs.

“You can't know their needs without having accurate student representation to voice it. It's that simple.”

Massive

It's exciting, scary, but loads of fun with a team behind you that only want the best for you and to see you succeed.

The University would be nothing without its students

When students get motivated, put a foot forward and have their say, we can move mountains.

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Artist: Phillipa Clark

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Shannon Harris is a kiwi beauty and fashion blogger. Her YouTube channel Shaaanxo has more than three million subscribers and she was voted by Forbes Magazine as one of the top beauty influencers of 2017. Massive Magazine was lucky enough to catch up with the blonde bombshell ahead of the ball season, to chat about her new makeup line and her secrets to the perfect winter skin.

How did you start XO Beauty?

I was obsessed with makeup brushes and was busy building up my own personal collection. It was out of control how expensive it was to purchase them over in the USA, so I decided to look in to creating my own brand. I found a factory who created brushes to match my design and worked with them closely to launch xoBeauty. A while later, I added on false lashes for a similar reason, and then began manufacturing my brushes in Italy for an even superior quality.

How scared or excited were you when you started things up?

I was very nervous! I didn't think they were going to sell as quickly as they did - we ended up selling out so quickly, we were out of stock for ages! I think its super normal to feel both scared and nervous when you pour so much of yourself in to a product - but of course I was excited as well! I still feel the same way every time we launch new makeup and brushes.

It’s ball season, what are your top tips for getting ball ready?

My biggest tip is to practice your makeup before your big night! Make sure you know exactly which colours, products and which lashes you are going to wear and try it all on in advance. Make sure you avoid SPF and do some flash-test photography to make sure it looks good in photos. That way, you can feel more at ease and prepared on the day of your ball and relax while you get ready with your friends!

In winter what are some of the best ways to look after your skin?

Make sure you are using a good moisturiser and oil before bed, and in the morning after you wash your face. I love using rosehip or jojoba oil in winter to

restore my glow when my skin is looking dull and dry. It doesn’t matter if your skin is naturally oily either - oil will help your skin calm and produce less of its own, balancing it. Plus, hydrated skin always makes any makeup you apply go on and look 100 times better!

What items does the xoBeauty Range include and how has it expanded?

We originally started with makeup brushes, then moved onto false lashes and highlighters. My dream was to be able to get xoBeauty to the point where we could create our own makeup range. After months of creating different formulas, finishes and repeat testing we released our first range of lipstick and liquid lipstick shades. It was a dream come true and something I am very proud of. We also recently released some lip liners that pair up very well with our current lipstick range.

What should we expect next from yourself and xoBeauty?

We are currently working on a new set of lip shades which will be releasing very soon. Other than that, we have another few secret products in the works.

We are currently working on stocking our products in retail stores around New Zealand. We want to be able to provide a physical environment in which our fans can see and feel the product before they buy.

For myself, I will keep creating Youtube and Vlog videos which you can view here www.youtube.com/ user/shaaanxo and here www.youtube.com/user/ shaaanxovlogs. I hope you all have an amazing time at the ball and good luck for all your future studies.

I know university can be very challenging, but it is also a very rewarding experience when you complete your studies and achieve your goals. Thank you to any of you who have watched my videos and supported myself and xoBeauty over the years.

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STAY

WARM this winter in your Massey hoodie

APPLICATIONS ARE NOW OPEN for the 2018 Massey University Foundation Grant and Student Advancement Grant The Massey University Foundation Grant can be used to support travel costs, technology or books associated with academic study at Massey University of up to $5,000

only

$65

Applications to the Student Advancement Grant will be considered for projects that support students at Massey University up to a value of $20,000 FOR ELIGIBILITY, CRITERIA, AND APPLICATION FORMS, GO TO:

ALUMNISHOP.MASSEY.AC.NZ Or visit one of our stores: Manawatu Shop opp Dining Hall Wellington Student Central Albany Unimart Call us on 06 350 5865 or email alumni@massey.ac.nz

https://foundation.massey.ac.nz/ scholarships CLOSING DATE:

9 September 2018

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Column

Entry 7: Thinking outside the box: A pessimistic piss-take (from a male prospective)

As I travel these lonely astral roads, I ponder the pretentious proverbs that infect our consciousness. Many a day, I hear these platitudes that pollute the verbal environment.

Imagine sitting in a lecture, listening to your lecturer blab on about a simple solution to an aforementioned problem. He utters the words “think outside the box”.

This causes fiery synapses to propagate down your spine, and you clench your left nut in frustration. This testicular torment transcends all logical thought, and you lash out at the gronk mutt with complete disregard for the other victims in the lecture theatre. The utilisation of such phrases is uncalled for.

This is just an example of the piss-poor platitudes that are born from the fornication of life lessons and witty etymology. Why confine thinking to a box? Such cliches are a scourge upon society. These over-utilised adages supposedly help us along the great journey that constitutes life. However, in reality they give us a false sense of security and lead us down the path to premature detonation.

Such shallow sayings make us yearn for more prostate-oriented nomenclature

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that doesn’t perforate the intellectual ionosphere. I encourage you to throw conventional thought out the proverbial window and migrate all decision-making to the nether region. Here you will find inner peace, that can only be provided by a pubic moment. Let us fondle freely.

When life gives you lemons, make lemonade. This plaintive collection of words makes me want to squeeze the lemons in my eyes and snort my washing powder.

Let us substitute these morbid metaphors with fertile phrases that will expand scrotal circumference worldwide.

These alternative platitudes pulse with a promise of enlightenment that only a ball sack moment can bring. These traditional adages bear no hope against their testicular alternatives. As a final thought, I urge you to think outside the ball sack.

TL;DR: Don’t let society force you into thinking outside the box, try thinking outside the ball sack.

Until Next Time, Todd Not Your Average Ponderer

Feature

self insuLate, mate!

Writer: Mackenzie Dyer

The season of jerseys, hot water bottles and the flu is upon us once again. With compulsory insulation still a year away, unfortunately many of us will have to brave another winter of draftee flats tastefully decorated with mould and mildew throughout.

My flat is very lucky- we have a fully insulated house. It’s small, so we use the attached garage as a laundry/study area/ desk room and a garden shed, which works out pretty sweet. As expected, the big cold metal doors make it pretty chilly, even with our second-hand carpet laid out. So, as to not give up on our cool multi-room, and fully embracing the DIY mantra of our nation, we decided to insulate the garage doors ourselves. It will be at your own discretion whether this seems like a genius venture that will sprinkle some optimism on your winter or the biggest waste of time since Massey Portal.

The story begins with an Engineer, an Economist,

a Communications Kid, and a Property Man. The Engineer and the Economist quickly discovered that actual insulation (like Pink Batts) is way out of our price range (you know, because we are all still unqualified, just optimistic). This put us onto polystyrene, assuming that most people would dub it as rubbish after they unwrap their online shopping. Being very pleased with ourselves, we headed onto the wonderful land of Trade Me and found a decent amount of people selling it, which I must admit, was rather surprising. All the nice stuff that was the perfect size cost the most, so the very student-y decision was made to go for the cheapest.

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The catch here was that the winner of the auction had to take it all, something we didn’t spare a second thought as we were lured in by that $1 reserve. $30 later we win the auction, and are all set to take two cars to South Auckland from the Shore to pick it all up. Sweet as.

What we arrived to was enough polystyrene to insulate the Beehive. Some of it was twice the size of us in height, and thick enough to hold a ten tonne boat (which is literally what they used it for). There was plenty more where that came from too, ranging from small and brittle pieces, to corrugated squares, to ones that smelt a bit like wees. It quickly became apparent that we had bitten off more than we could chew, but our resilience remained as we carried pile after pile through a busy workshop, dodging piles of wood and overhead cranes like spies dodging

"What we arrived to was enough polystyrene to insulate the Beehive."

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lasers (minus the backflips and well-fitted leather suits). This was followed by sawing, snapping and creatively shoving it all into a Subaru Outback, and a slightly less size-efficient Nissan Pulsar.

We returned to our humble abode, with Property Man confirming that amongst our excessive haul, we had some good bits to complete the job. We picked up our spirits, and prepared for our 40 minute convoy back, not forgetting to give or take three hours or so due to fun spontaneity of Auckland. Even though we were 100 per cent certain this would be the last trip, we bought another car along just in case.

Well, it is safe to say that none of us are getting degrees in storage visualisation or a feature on George Clarke’s Amazing Spaces… because it still did

STEP ONE: acquire polystyrene t u c : O W T P E T S to size STEP THREE: place and admire

not fit. Okay, maybe our third car was a Mini… but that was beside the point. We were still in the seller’s way, and making a hell of a mess while we were at it.

After the numbers were crunched and petrol prices were rising before our eyes, the Economist concluded the cost was too great… this had to be the last trip. The Engineer’s face gleamed at the challenge, getting stuck into making this work.

The result was tying one of the massive blocks of polystyrene onto the roof of the Subaru. It was a safe size and didn’t hang over the roof, so in that sense, it was a good plan. The only teeny tiny issue was we only had one option to tie it down with…twine.

This is where the comms kid fully kicked into gear, trying to negotiate with the sellers to please let us leave that one block behind, or if we could borrow something sturdier than string to tie it down with… but it was no use. We would be travelling back through Auckland with extremely limited vision, and a block of polystyrene tied onto the roof with twine.

I don’t like to dwell too much on the trip back, but despite losing our safety convoy pretty much immediately, nightmarish intersections, and some very colourful language, we made it back okay.

The end result looks great, and has made a significant difference in how long the room retains heat (even if it didn’t, we would probably lie for sanity’s sake). We are now thinking up other ways polystyrene can help us warm up the house, such as slotting it along our window sills and stopping drafts from coming in under the doors. Property Man sees the value it has added to our experience in the house, the Economist is optimistic that we have lowered our chances of contributing to the trend of increasing winter power bills. As for the comms kid… they are just stoked to be alive.

Like a happy season finale, we are smiling again with warmth back in the house, and the potent urine smell out of our cars (I assure you that these pieces were efficiently thrown out).

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Pohutukawa Glade Writer: Layal Moore Beneath Pohutukawa’s sheltering arms, the sand was cold.

We ducked beneath its twisted boughs, it was there you pulled me close.

Sea lice leapt in clouds about our toes, but we didn’t even care, We were kissing in the half light, your hands amidst my hair.

Tangles and dreadlocks, caught your fingers still, Our breath it came in gasps, like walking up a hill.

There within the hollow, sheltering from the rain, The shivers wracked our bodies, again and again.

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the UNLONELY woman Love?

Love right? I mean two people or in some cases more, find each other and spend the rest of their life together.

How great right? Why the fuck is The Unlonely Woman talking about love instead of her normal dick columns?

Well… I woke up to see that Ariana Grande is engaged after a few weeks of dating someone. Don’t get me wrong I’m super happy for people who find their soul mate. But it makes me think.

I’m 24 and I haven’t dated a single guy who I would want to spend the rest of my life with. Like there’s one dude I was seeing, and I would have loved to have seen where it went but hey we found out his ex was pregnant with his kid.

So obviously had to call that one quits.

Worst thing was he was such a great guy, great at giving head and just like an all round top bloke. But other than that, I can’t think of no one.

I mean hell, Ariana is off getting engaged and I’m still sitting on the toilet for 30 minutes after taking a shit. It’s so bad that my legs fall off and I can’t even walk out of the toilet because of pins and needles. She out here getting engaged and shit and I’m out here trying to figure out if I’m gonna masturbate or make breakfast. It’s a lot harder to choose then

you think because, well, they both give me pleasure. I have a friend who met the love of her life and we have her wedding next year. I’m still out here sucking a dude’s dick who tells me I’m something special and then a month later we done.

I’m out here talking to my freaking cat about what I’m gonna make for dinner and even then, it’s always takeout.

I have friends who are having babies and shit and I’m still debating on whether or not I should do my washing or just turn my g inside out and go for another day.

Either that or I go for my back up lacey g that gives me a front wedgy. Hell, I even know people who got engaged and have their whole life planned out (which is great for them) when I can’t even figure out what fucking day it is.

I get it, seeing the people we love finding their own love is great, but it makes me think. It’s like what the fuck am I doing wrong. Hell, I’ve even had my mum say I’m going for the wrong men. I literally go for a different type of guy every time like, I don’t purposely pick the wrong men. I’ve even started thinking I have a curse because most men I date find their soulmate right after we stop seeing each other. Like do I have a cursed vagina? Is this actually a thing? I know, I know, I’m

being real Debbie downer. But I have great news babes.

I wouldn’t change a fucking thing.

Because believe it or not I actually love my life. I love not having to think about anyone else other than my family and friends. I love being able to wake up and not have to text some constantly throughout the day because honestly, I don’t have time for that shit. I love being able to plan my life on my terms. If I want to move to Netherlands or Italy after uni I can. I literally don’t have to think about anyone else apart from my family, friends and myself.

So, my conclusion? Stop comparing your life to others. You will get to where you want to be. We consume ourselves so much by looking at couples on Instagram seeing them be ‘so in love’. It’s really a show for us. I say do what the fuck you want as long and your safe, happy and not hurting anyone then go hard. Is The Unlonely Woman getting soft? Nah boo I just thought we need to start off this semester better than ever because boo you worth it, plus the next columns savage, so thought I’d start you all off light. If you want to read more like this head to theunlonelywoman.com or give us a cheeky insta follow.

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Hi, on the weekend I tried pingers for the first time. I was peer pressured by my aunty to do so at the family gathering at the park last Tuesday. I mean I had a good time, however, I feel bad that my aunty would put me in such a predicament. I don’t want to do them ever again, but I still want my aunty to like me. What should I do??

You really need to sit down with your aunt for a bit of a talk! If she is making you do something you are not a fan of, you must speak up! Not to mention MDMA could potentially be dangerous. All the best- GC

I am absolutely appalled with my boyfriend who has been watching the shit out of the FIFA World Cup and no longer paying any attention to me.

I still want him around, but I cannot take his fucking shit for much longer!

Get fucked. The FIFA World Cup happens every four years so give him a bloody break! If my wife expected me to talk to her whilst my team was on, she would be disappointed. Space is what he needs for a few weeks, chill the fuck out yeah. BC

DISCLAIMER: While our Good Cop and Bad Cop have your best interests at heart when playing Agony Aunt, remember they are no experts. So, if you are after serious medical or legal advice, please consult a professional.

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COLUMN

Google vs.

God Issue One: Same, Same, but different.

In an ever-expanding global community of acceptance and knowledge, two opinions remain.

Left vs right. Agnostic vs Christian.

Science vs spirituality. But what happens when these opinions collide, and the two sides agree for once? Two students, both alike in career vision and identity, but from opposing upbringings and households, discuss a different topic each issue from both perspectives, ‘Google vs God’.

Profiles:

Google Female

Middle-class family

Studying Design at Massey Agnostic

God Female

Middle-class family

Studying Design at Massey Christian

Next Issue: We discuss the Pro-choice debate, Google vs. God style.

#$%&

google

god

Growing up, I had a whole lot of questions. Why do I suddenly have hair all over my body? Will James ever like me? Is idiot a swear word or is my sister just trying to get me in trouble?

If I call my sister an idiot will I get the wooden spoon? Is the wooden spoon even allowed? Can I say FUCK if I get the wooden spoon? And so on. So many big, important life questions, so little time. How would I ever get the answers I needed?

When I was ten, I realised that God with a capital G existed. Supposedly the guy knew a lot of stuff, and because I had a lot of questions, I thought I’d give the prayer thing a crack. It could have been the fact that my spiritual experience was limited to saying grace to the tune of the Adams Family theme song on camp, but I just wasn’t getting the answers I needed. I soon learned about the other all-knowing big G: the one and only Google. Google was like the dictionary on crack and influenced every decision I made. Committing to logic instead of religion, I went on with my life. Sure, I got into a bit of trouble here and there, but I haven’t suffered any major tragedies (touch wood). I’ve got a solid job, doing well in my degree, and I am in a happy relationship. And I reckon that’s just the luck of the draw, not because anybody is looking over and guiding me.

I am a publicly-proclaimed Christian and have been my whole life. From early childhood education, I’ve learnt my math equations through the likes of stories such as David and Goliath (distance over time equals velocity of rock that hit said giant), Noah’s Ark (2 x 10,000 different species equal how many animals in total). Not until high school did I realise just how sheltered I had been growing up. Suddenly my world was immersed in a combination Bieber Fever and Sunday School.

My life – as many would relate with – is making decisions either based on my spirituality and beliefs, or secular norm.

This has resulted in many an awkward situation, including quitting Speech and Drama classes because I refused to say ‘oh my god’ in a play, and having my first kiss and first sexual encounter in the same weekend. It is a constant struggle balancing what I think God wants from me, and what others expect from me.

Somehow, with minimal damage to my self-esteem and a decent amount of confidence under my belt, I ended up at Massey University, figuring out what I’m going to do as a career, and mentally preparing myself for the unknown. I haven’t suffered any major tragedies (touch wood), I’ve got a solid job, doing well in my degree, and in a happy relationship. I am blessed to be where I am, opening myself up to discussing and debating what the world has offer me.

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Column

Lit Fam or Shit Scam?

Veet Writer: Kasharn Rao

We are gathered here today to mourn the passing of my dignity. If I’m being honest, finding new uncomfortable ways to waste my time and money on a biweekly basis for your reading pleasure has become quite taxing. But here I am again, and I wouldn’t have it any other way.

Veet is a depilatory cream, and the way it works is they use alkaline chemicals to break down the keratin proteins of the hair. This thins and dissolves the base of the hair to the point where it can easily be pulled free. This particular cream also boasts ‘fragrance technology’ that prevents ‘lingering malodour.’

I trust everyone had a minto break stuffed full of exciting ventures, such as waking up at 4pm, getting dolled up just for chicken nuggets at Maccas, and ignoring your parent’s pleas to return home.

It recommended to test patch 24 hours before use, but inspired by the manly pink packaging, I decided I was too tough for that and elected to whack it on instantly.

I laid out a towel, stripped down, and set to work. It was fairly easy to apply. I covered my entire left leg from the knee down, then proceeded to do the same with my right. The instructions suggested leaving it on for five minutes, so by this point the left leg was ready to go. Holding my breath, I pressed the edge of the scraper into my skin with a trembling hand, and gently ran it down as if I were washing someone’s windscreen without their permission. But unlike window washing, the payload was incredible. It went. It just went. No pain, no fuss, the hair just simply came off my leg and plopped onto the towel, leaving the whitest patch of skin I had ever had the misfortune of witnessing. This was the new equivalent of pimple popping or nail biting. It was addictive. In a frenzy I continued to paste and scrape, higher and higher until I started running out of cream at about mid-thigh.

I’ve had quite a busy break myself. Extra work shifts, dangerous double dates, and a deadly encounter with a toddler high on oreo cookies. I live on the edge.

Speaking of edges, let me just change the subject to something entirely unrelated, since this review is about hair removal cream, which is surprisingly difficult to integrate into casual conversation.

So, hair removal cream.

Now I’m perfectly happy with the hair on my body, and on other people’s bodies, so it’s no concern to me where hair is or isn’t. But considering the last time I had been hairless was during the same time that the greatest trouble in my life was how to beat the Water Slums level in Jak 2, I thought it’d be a bold quest.

The product I chose was Veet Silk & Fresh Hair Removal Cream. It came in a lovely masculine pink coloured box, and on the side were more words than a dictionary editor’s scrabble party.

This stuff is suitable for the arms, legs, underarms, and bikini line. It is not suitable for use on head, face, eyes, cats, nose, ears, anus, genitals, nipples, or small children.

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Now it was time to tame that troublesome bikini line.

On it went, as far as I dared to the unholy regions, and just for fun I dabbed some on the snail trail. Again, like magic it wiped clean off, and it was over, as quick as it had begun.

I took a long glance at myself in the mirror and prayed nobody would ever have to endure having to see this.

massive

Smooth skin that hadn’t seen the light in years dazzled me, halting abruptly at mid-thigh, resembling in a strange way, a pair of stockings. As for further up, I think you’ve suffered enough gory details for one sitting, so let's just say it was tidy. I spent the next ten minutes running my hands along my legs with pure unbridled awe.

Cleaning up sucked. The amount of gloppy hair all over the towel convinced me to throw it out, instead of attempting to put it through the wash, where it inevitably would have clogged the machine like a Fisher and Paykel cream pie.

Later that night I discovered that if this cream really did contain ‘fragrance technology,’ it was long overdue a system update. My room now reeked of an odour which could only be achieved by frying leather in a pan full of cat hair and Nicki Minaj perfume.

All this was mitigated by the fact that after climbing in bed I now understood what women meant when they mentioned ‘the sheets.’ There is nothing quite like sidling into fresh sheets with smooth legs. It’s the little things in life that make the long yards worth it.

A thought suddenly popped into my head. What exactly did this cream contain that was strong enough to practically disintegrate the hair off of my body? The instructions stated very clearly that it shouldn’t be left on for longer than 10 minutes, so exhibiting all of my genius, I wrestled a last small dollop out of the tube, proceeded to apply it to my left hand, and waited to see what would happen. While I waited, I googled the ingredients. I was given scary results like ‘corrosive,’ and ‘skin irritating,’ and ‘Error 404 - Not Found’. However, most of these ingredients are only dangerous in large

amounts or when given prolonged contact to… skin…

Oh dear we are in trouble.

About an hour and a half in, my hand was tingling.

This wasn’t so bad, considering it was my right hand and I had just leant on it funny. My left hand however, the one I had applied the cream to, had gone a slight masculine pink, and felt like a swarm of tiny needles pirouetting on the surface of my skin. It was bearable, but when I thought of my bikini line and the early grave I would have been subjected to had I ventured closer to the sacral chakra, I took a deep breath, closed my eyes, and then yawned because it wouldn’t have been that bad of an ordeal. I’ve eaten a fucking Carolina Reaper, nothing can harm me anymore.

Veet has revealed to me sights that didn’t need revealing, created a mess slimier than behind the scenes of Love Island, hasn’t decided whether it wants to melt your skin off or not, and wins the people’s choice award for ‘Best Absence of Said Fragrance Technology.’

Its one saving grace is that I can’t deny it works like witchcraft, and maybe it is, because the contact with sheets is magical.

I rate Veet 2/5 Butylphenyl Methylpropional compounds, therefore it’s a Shit Scam.

Next Issue - Wake Me Up Before You Go Go

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REVIEWS

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Movie Review Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom

TV Show Review The Staircase (2018)

The latest installation of the epic Jurassic Park films is a ‘let’s get the gang back together’ blockbuster valiantly trying to wring another round of cash from modern audiences. It definitely fell short of being an interesting film.

The most disappointing element is that the film misses out the wonder and energy that the earlier trilogy and even Jurassic World (2015) has. There is very little time spent on the dinosaur-populated island, with most of the action wasted on Michael Bay-esque volcano scenes. The film focuses on the fact that a volcano on the island the dinosaurs inhabit is close to erupting, which would make dinosaurs extinct once again. Owen (Chris Pratt) and Claire (Bryce Dallas Howard) are tasked with saving their beloved dinosaurs, from extinction and the greed of men. Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom managed to miss out the exciting dinosaur aspects of the series and keep the boring adult politics part in.

There were attempts from the lead actors to salvage the poor plot and dialogue, but they weren’t all that successful. It is a shame because leads Pratt and Dallas Howard do have some acting chops that weren’t aptly used. In the end, it was just the latest expensive snooze fest out of Hollywood – I hope they made a profit, since that seems to be their only concern. #nospoilers but the last line of the film will make you groan and roll your eyes. It singlehandedly made the film almost worth the ticket price – Emma Rzepecky.

The Staircase fulfils the needs of those who crave murder mysteries and courtroom dramas akin to The People v. O.J. Simpson (2016) and Making a Murderer (2015-). Michael Peterson, a well-known novelist, is charged of murdering his wife, who was found dead at the bottom of their staircase amidst a pool of blood in 2001. The documentary television show follows Peterson’s trial in real time, with juicy real-life twists and turns. It is a controversial case and it’s exciting to discover the twists in the case along with the characters. The show is from 2004, but has been re-released onto Netflix this year, bringing new audiences and hype to Peterson’s story.

Even though it is a documentary mini series filmed at the time of the trial, the people appear more like characters in a dramatic play. They are compelling, drawing emotion from their life stories during the show. The most interesting sections detail the happenings of the trial, from behind-the-scenes discussions of how the defence team erect their defence, to footage from studying what types of people to allow into the jury.

Peterson himself recedes into the background as far as stimulating characters goes, with lawyer David Rudolf and adopted daughter Margaret Ratliff being much more compelling. Overall The Staircase is a fascinating watch and I would recommend it to anyone interested in courtroom dramas and murder shows – Emma Rzepecky.

COLUMN

Booked In: Chapter Seven City of Thieves

This year, I’ve already reviewed two books set during World War II, making this the unintentional third, and the second concerning the Siege of Leningrad. Whoops. What intrigued me more about City of Thieves was the fact that its author, David Benioff, is one of the showrunners behind HBO’s wildly successful Game of Thrones. I was curious to see if Benioff has the same magic touch with prose fiction as he seems to with television.

When Lev Beniov is arrested for looting, he’s thrown in a cell with loudmouth deserter Kolya. The two are given a task in exchange for their freedom: find a dozen eggs to make a wedding cake for the daughter of a Soviet Colonel.

In starving Leningrad, the feat seems impossible. The unlikely duo has little choice but to leave the city and search the farmlands behind enemy lines.

The combination of WWII and a Game of Thrones showrunner had me expecting a certain level of… brutality, shall we say. Without spoiling anything: I was not disappointed. The gruesome imagery wasn’t excessive, however, and rather than coming off as unnecessary and melodramatic, the violence added a level of raw honesty and realism. There’s plenty of honesty. Perhaps a little too much, often in the form of Kolya monologuing to an unwilling Lev about his various sexual conquests.

and not particularly brave, he dreams of going on a hero’s journey. When he finally gets the chance, he finds that he plays second fiddle to Kolya’s foolhardy fearlessness. Nonetheless, whether following the rule that opposites attract, or simply because they’re pushed into the same shitty situation, the two are fast friends. The dynamic is compelling; the dialogue quick-witted and authentic.

If there’s one notable problem with the book, it’s that the foreshadowing was as subtle as a machine gun. It could be that I just read too much and know what to look for. Or I’ve become so much of a cynic that nothing surprises me anymore. For the most part, however, the plot is rife with unforeseen twists and turns.

City of Thieves is a quick read, really— less than 300 pages—but it packs a punch. In fact, it’s less of a punch and more of a non-lethal stab to the torso.

Yes, okay, fine. I cried a little. Sue me - Peri Miller.

Lev himself is an interesting character.

Jewish by blood, based off Benioff’s own grandfather, Lev offers an endearing first-person narration. A bit of a runt 49

COLUMN

Music Review Modern Vampires of The City/Vampire Weekend

It has been five years since the indie-rock band Vampire Weekend’s last album Modern Vampires of The City, and it seems that they will finally release a new album sometime soon. Ezra Koenig, the singer of Vampire Weekend, is probably one of the most brilliant songwriters in the world, no exaggeration, and Modern Vampires of the City is a great indication of this.

Step is my favourite song on the album Modern Vampires of the City. It has a feeling of growing up and dealing with life and the ups and downs that come with that, though it’s really about a girl. I love the lines the lead singer sings in the chorus; the gloves are off / the wisdom teeth are out / what you on about? / I feel it in my bones. It’s very melancholy, much like the song Ya Hey and Hannah Hunt, a bit different to their more up-beat, ‘world music’ type songs on previous albums. Ezra sounds almost like Paul Simon, especially on the beautiful song Obvious Bicycle, it reminds me of Diamonds on the Soles of Her Shoes. The falsetto is amazing on this song also. Diane Young really encapsulates the essence of Vampire Weekend, it’s quirky, fun and sounds much like a Beach Boys song.

There’s really nothing to fault with this album, all the songs are amazing on their own. Unbelievers is another great one, I’d just list the whole album if I could.

All of Vampire Weekend’s albums need to be devoured before their next one is released, they’re all so brilliant in their own unique way and I’m excited to hear the new album – Zoe Jennings.

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COLUMN

FROM THE

PREZ Kia ora koutou! With study picking up again, all the best and don’t hesitate to ask for help.

As students, we are a major part of the Palmerston North community and decisions affecting the community affect

us. That’s why MUSA is supporting the establishment of Māori wards alongside our partner association, Manawatahi.

We are proud to once again put students at the front of fighting for social change.

Papers will be going out on April 27 in a referendum to determine whether we establish Māori wards. Māori wards allow those on the Māori electorate roll to vote for a Palmerston North Councillor to represent them. Having signed te Tiriti over 100 years ago, it’s about time.

So, make sure you that if you live in Palmerston North or Manawatū, you

COOL BEANS

Lastly, get active. If this is a kaupapa you believe in, we need volunteers to korero and to be visible at markets, to door knock, to phone call, and to share messages. Don’t hesitate to get in touch with us if this sounds like you.

Get enrolled. Get informed. And get active.

Ben

Every time I travel home during the break, I make it a point to indulge in the foods from my all-time favourite Indian restaurant, Namaskar. Specifically, their take on Jalfrezi, a dish popular in Bangladeshi and Indian cuisine. In this recipe, I’m making a beef Jalfrezi, which hits the spot and remains within the student budget.

Easy Beef Jalfrezi with Lydia Hill

Ingredients: 2 tablespoons olive oil 2 onions roughly chopped 3 garlic cloves or 1 ½ tablespoons of garlic paste 3 centimetres ginger grated 1-2 teaspoon of chilli flakes (depending on your preferred level of spice) 2 teaspoon cumin powder 2 teaspoon coriander powder

are enrolled to vote at your current address. Ensure you’re making an informed decision.

3 teaspoon garam masala Salt and pepper to taste 600g beef chuck steak, chopped into equal cubes 400g tin chopped tomatoes 1 green capsicum sliced 1 courgette sliced into discs 1 tin chickpeas Basmati rice or naan breads to serve

Directions: Switch the slow cooker on to high and let it warm up.

Alternatively, preheat the oven to 180C – in which case, use an oven-proof or casserole dish instead. In a large pan, heat the olive oil. Add in the chopped onion and cook until softened for about three minutes. Once softened to perfection, add in garlic, ginger, chilli, cumin, coriander and garum masala – add a splash of water if it gets too dry. Next, fold in the beef making sure to coat all sides in the spice mix. Once the meat has browned, pour in the tomatoes plus salt and pepper to taste and bring to a boil. Once it has simmered for 5-10 minutes, transfer to the slow cooker or casserole dish and let cook for 45 minutes. Once the time is up, add in the capsicum, chickpeas and courgette and cook for a further 45 minutes (1 hour 30 minutes in total). By this point, the sauce will have thickened and is ready to serve. Enjoy with basmati rice or naan bread on the side.

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FPEuAzTzUlResE

MASSIVE QUIZ

It’s cold outside! Test your knowledge with our winter themed quiz.

1.

2.

3.

4.

5.

6.

7.

8.

9.

10.

Who had a hit with the song Ice Ice Baby?

What sank the Titanic?

How many sides does a snowflake have?

What is the name of the world in the children’s book, The Lion the Witch and the Wardrobe, where it is always winter and never summer?

Which country hosted the first Winter Olympics?

What sport, played on ice, sees players deal with large flat stones and brooms?

Name the world’s largest penguin.

What colour is a polar bears skin?

Where does Santa live?

Name his reindeer.

Can you SUDOKU? Thinking warms you up. Do yourself a favour and save on that electricity bill by completing these puzzles, thank us later.

Completing = Defrosting

Donner, Blitzen and Rudolph Finishing = Removing unecessary layers

1. Vanilla Ice, 2. An iceberg, 3. Six, 4. Narnia, 5. France in 1924, 6. Curling, 7. Emperor Penguin, 8. Black, 9. North Pole, 10. Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen, Comet, Cupid,

GUESS? WHO

Guess who answer: Bear Grylls

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HOT OR NOT?

HOT: Shortland Street the Musical

HOT: Hot water bottles

HOT: Neve Te Aroha Ardern Gayford HOT: Aquaria winning RuPaul’s Drag Race

NOT: Riverdale hiatus NOT: Room temperature tea

NOT: Condensation NOT: Liam and Cheryl Split

NOT: Kim K corn rows

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humour

Horoscoping you out.

The signs in live – laugh – LOVE

Aquarius Jan 21 – Feb 19 As an idealistic air sign, you need someone intellectually stimulating enough to keep up with you and your plans to change the world – starting with education and social welfare reform. If your boo can’t even commit to a $5 Green Party membership, it might be time to move on.

Pisces Feb 20 – Mar 20 Using emojis is about the only way you tend to communicate your emotions, Pisces, even though you’re actually a total romantic. I know trust doesn’t come easily to you but maybe try experimenting with a few extra adjectives here and there and throw in a few more personal facts about yourself on your next Tinder/Grinder/Bumble date and you might be pleasantly surprised.

Aries Mar 21 – Apr 20 Single Aries loves the thrill of the chase and is never afraid or ashamed to message twice, and an Aries in relationships craves constant attention. However, you stan a feisty lover, and push-overs are boring AF to you. Go for Sagittarius, Geminis and Leos, they can keep up with you in a debate.

Taurus Apr 21 – May 21 Earthy Taurus in relationships are all about sharing creature comforts, like watching Queer Eye in bed while you feed each other pork dumplings. Your ruling planet is Venus, the goddess of beauty, and as a result you’re a bit indulgent sometimes.

Just be careful things don’t become stagnant and monotonous. Wash the soy sauce out of your sheets and try going out to see a movie sometimes instead.

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Gemini May 22 – Jun 21

Libra Sep 24 – Oct 23

You’re a snuggly little air sign who loves dishing out affection but doesn’t need or expect as much attention as other signs do (sorry Aries). You’re pretty much incapable of being unfriendly to anyone which some may misinterpret as flirting. Keep the lines of communication open so your partner knows that this is just a part of your nature. Gemini babies are super loyal and often end up falling for old friends, so if you’re looking for love it could be under your nose.

You love being in love. Your favourite holiday is Valentine’s Day and you have at least three Live Laugh Love signs in your flat. Unfortunately, that means you often choose to stay in a bad relationship rather than spend a minute alone. Just remember that you’re a charming Venus ruled sign and that it’s ok to be picky or even call it quits if things aren’t working. You deserve the best and will be snatched up off the shelf faster than block of Whittaker’s creamy caramel.

Cancer Jun 22 – Jul 23

Scorpio Oct 24 – Nov 23

As a sensitive little water sign, you are very in touch with your emotions and are super romantic. You don’t vibe casual relationships or even casual sexy times which might explain why you’ve found them unsatisfying in the past. When you’re in a relationship you pretty much live in your partner’s pocket which some signs find pretty suffocating. Don’t forget to make time for your friends and family – they still exist outside of your love haze.

Your sign literally represents sex, but you’ve got some soul too. You awaken a lot of dark primal instincts in other signs and your relationships are pretty intense just like your personality. You might worry that this will intimidate potential partners so you can take a while to build relationships. Whatever happens, don’t let anyone kink shame you again. A Scorpio never forgets.

Leo Jul 24 – Aug 23

Sagittarius Nov 23 – Dec 22

I can feel the heat you’re giving off from here, Leo. You’re passionate, confident and don’t like to beat around the bush when it comes to expressing how you feel, whether it’s to your partner or the cutie with the keep-cup in front of you at the uni café. You’re also kinda horny and believe love and lust go hand in hand. Water signs can find this a bit intense but an Air sign will help to fan your flames.

You’re a hedonistic sign that likes to squeeze as much as possible out of life and that goes for relationships too. You are attracted to the outgoing, confident type who will go for runs with you and your three golden labs at 6.30am before climbing Mount Kaukau and finishing the day off with couples Pilates class. Such fun. Find yourself a Pisces for a laugh or an Aquarius for some serious soul searching.

Virgo Aug 24 – Sep 23

Capricorn Dec 23 – Jan 20

You know you’re a Virgo if you’ve ever contemplated giving your date a questionnaire to fill out or stalked their LinkedIn profile as well as their Insta.

Your practical nature means you have super high standards and would rather be alone than settle. If they aren’t hygienic and maintaining an A average you’re not interested. However, you’re also a sucker for a fixer-upper job. Just remember you’re not a life coach and listen to JLo’s Ain’t Your Mama.

When most plan out their lives with their crushes in their heads there are Tuscan villas, a shared tattoo business or a pug sanctuary involved. As a practical earthy sign, your fantasies are a bit more realistic.

Like sharing a room in an 8 bed flat until you’re both 30 realistic. You like stability in a relationship but this means you often stick to what you know out of fear. Can I suggest you try something a little out your comfort zone? I’ll leave that to your imagination.

FEATURE

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