Massive Magazine Albany Issue 11 2018

Est. 2012

Albany | September 2018 | 11

end in sight for marae development What is it really like to live in a Massey Hall of Residence?

A break down of the best (and worst) of cinematic sequels Massive interviews new student rep on the uni council, Ngahuia Kirton

Cover Image: Luca Rosseels

Editorial Hi everyone, This is the second to last issue of Massive Magazine for the year.

Students on the Wellington campus will be pleased to know the university has announced a tentative opening date for the marae. At this stage they are hoping to have its doors finally opened in the first quarter of 2019.

Since announcing the marae upgrade in 2015 there has been little word from the university as to why the process has been stalled. It is great to see the university being more transparent around this issue and hopefully the marae will finally be opened next year.

In preparation for the opening, Massey has also hired a Marae Manager.

Massive Magazine were lucky enough to chat with Ani Morris about her new role and a little about the background of the marae. You can read all about it on page 26.

Voting is now open for student elections on the Manawatu and Wellington campuses. I would encourage everyone to vote for their student representatives for next year. If you want to know more about presidential candidates head to the MUSA and MAWSA Facebook pages and check out the live Q and A hosted by Massive. You can then cast your votes on your association’s website.

Until next time, Nikki

facebook.com/massivemagazine @massivemagazine massivemagazine.org.nz

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Features Column 16 18 22 26 30 34

An Interview with Ngahuia Kirton What it’s really like to live in a Massey Hall Travelling the world as a post-grad End in sight for Marae Development Sequels Where to from here?

Humour 13 36 46

New News Good Cop, Bad Cop Horoscoping you out

11 12 35 29 37 38 41 43

Pinch of Politics On the Line Unlonely woman Shower Thoughts Google vs. God Lit Fam or Shit Scam Booked in Cool Beans

Managing Editor: Nikki Papatsoumas editor@mawsa.org.nz

Media Manager: Sarah Grant-Wang 04 9793763 ext. 63763

Design/Layout: Aria Tongs massive@mawsa.org.nz

Albany Reporter: Mackenzie Dyer albanyreporter@mawsa.org.nz

Assistant Designer: Luca Rosseels assistantdesigner@mawsa.org.nz

Regulars

06 40 44 45

Contributors: Peri Miller Chris Glavovic Lydia Hill Christina Kirk Wilson Aria Tongs Kasharn Rao Leilani Baker Emma Rzepecky Natasha Tziakis Todd Murray

Local News Reviews Puzzles Hot or Not

Chantelle de Boer Zoe Jennings Kyle Smith Melissa Ng Morgan Worthington Isaac Martin Lauren Simpson Elise Cacase

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local news

Library Food Run collects 193 items for charity

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Large workload for Speech and Language Therapy students

Mackenzie Dyer albanyreporter@mawsa.org.nz

Mackenzie Dyer albanyreporter@mawsa.org.nz

The Massey Albany Library team successfully collected 193 food items for charity during its Food Run. The event took place for two weeks prior to the mid-semester break, from Monday, August 13 to Sunday August 26.

Over this time, students were encouraged to bring non-perishable food items to the library.

To incentivise students to participate, the library accepted any donations as payment for overdue library fees.

Library team member Rohini Subbian says, “there was a good response, and very few [people], maybe three or four, payed off their library fees which is great”.

Economics student Jessica Black donated to the food drive, saying it is a good cause to have in the library as it can be feasible for students to get behind.

“I bought about six items for under $10. As a student, it’s nice to still be able to give back,” Black said.

The library’s food donation came in time for the end of winter, when power bills put extra strain on families.

The donations were collected by Glenfield Community Ministries for the Northshore Salvation Army.

The Salvation Army will now be transferring the non-perishable food items, which included jars, packets and cans, to families in need around the North Shore community.

According to The Salvation Army’s website, the charity has been providing food to New Zealanders in need for 131 years.

They also say that 56,707 food packages were donated last year alone.

The food parcels are provided to families through social workers on a temporary basis.

When discussing unpaid placements and hectic schedules, one does not normally think of Speech and Language Therapy (SLT) students.

A common misconception is that they deal exclusively with stutters and other speech impediments, however SLTs can cover from stroke recovery, cancers, feeding, or anything to do with the throat area.

For this reason, the Speech and Language Therapists’ club (SALT) held a barbeque on September 12 to bring awareness to what they do and what their work looks like, not just for other students, but for any future clients as well.

Massey’s SLT students are required to complete six to ten weeks of full time placement in the third and fourth year of their studies, equating to as much as 800 hours of unpaid work.

Third year SLT student Abbigail Gates understands why they are not paid.

“It costs them a heap of extra time if you think about it practically - you have to do all the notes and documentation for clients and they have to help you do it all the whole time and it takes you an hour to complete something they do in 10 minutes” she says.

“My SLT who mentored me would’ve been seeing heaps more clients in a day if she didn’t have me to look after.”

SLT students are faced with the same dilemma as training nurses and other medical students, where maintaining a parttime job becomes extremely difficult.

This is unfeasible for many students, and as Gates points out, some have to work on top of their placements regardless.

“There is one case I know where a student continued to work so she did the placement and then worked her job on weekends.

“Students do work part time anyway. Many worked around it and then took 6 weeks leave for placement.”

All of this is in addition to assignments and weekly placements during the rest of the year at Massey’s on-site clinic.

Gates says there are some perks however, including staff parking at their external placements and additional time off if students become overwhelmed by the placement and need mental health support.

Despite this workload, Gates remains grateful.

“I would say they give us heaps of support compared to others such as midwifery where they expect you to be on placement from day one and up at all hours in the night.”

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local news

MACs brings communications professionals face-to-face with students Mackenzie Dyer albanyreporter@mawsa.org.nz

Cherie Reid, Laurie Clarke, and Rose Taylor talking to MACS. Massey Albany’s Communications Club (MACS) hosted a panel of three industry professionals in the Round Room on Wednesday, September 12.

The trio included the National Public Relations and Communications Manager from the Child Cancer Foundation, Cherie Reid, as well as Top Self Productions Co-partner, Director and Producer Laurie Clarke.

The Warehouse Group’s recruitment partner Rose Taylor completed the line-up.

Despite their differing professions, the trio agreed that having an open-mind, an enthusiastic attitude and good time management skills is crucial in succeeding in the communications industry.

“It’s all about time management, taking every opportunity that you can to learn something, and making every engagement as professional as you can” Reid said.

Taylor added that being articulate and putting yourself in oth-

er’s shoes is also important.

The event attracted many people from degrees outside of communications, leading to many questions regarding CVs and job applications.

Clarke told the group that because you see so many CVs, it is nice to see personality creeping through onto the document.

As a recruitment professional, Taylor assured the audience that there really is no perfect CV, so it is best to treat it like your own personal document that truly reflects you as a person.

MACS president Kate Hayhoe was pleased with how this year’s final MACS event went.

“The talk was really insightful with a diverse range of people, so we were happy to put this event on for students.”

The club is now on the lookout for people to fill executive positions for 2019.

For more information on becoming an executive, message the MACS Albany 2018 group on Facebook.

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Compost trial to green up campus

Isaac Martin

Tallulah Farrar and Lexi Mills introduced a composting trial at the Massey Wellington Campus.

Students at Massey University in Wellington could soon be able to compost on campus after a successful organic waste trial.

The trial went for two weeks in late July and was run by the Greens @ Massey club through Campus Co-Lab. Greens @ Massey co-presidents Tallulah Farrar and Lexi Mills say they were keen to do something to prevent waste going to the landfill.

“All of the compostable materials, if they’re just going into the rubbish, that’s just turning into methane,” says Mills.

The group placed labelled compost containers in different locations around the campus and monitored how they were being used each day.

“The bins were pretty full after a week,” says Mills.

“When we took them away people would message us and talk to us and ask where have they gone,” says Farrar.

The container in the Lounge, a student hang-out space, was used the most and the content was mainly food scraps.

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The club also conducted a survey, which found that 55 per cent of students don’t recycle or compost because they don’t know how or where to.

They also found that 87 per cent of students felt they should be recycling more and 86 per cent of students felt they should be composting more.

Marie Larking, project co-ordinator for Campus Co-Lab, says the trial has been successful.

“I think it’s a really good project. It’s quite good because in a way they’re auditing what Massey is doing and reflecting on Massey’s processes and holding them accountable.

“If the project can be preventative or help New Zealand move into a better state of dealing with their waste then I think that can have a really positive impact,” says Larking.

The club is now writing a report based on the findings of the trial to present to Massey and is hoping to have composting bins and more recycling bins installed around campus soon.

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Comedy show breaking the myth of the ‘basic bitch’ Bethany Reitsma manawatureporter@mawsa.org.nz

Jess Jean playing MacKenzie McKenzie .

Christchurch comedian Jess Jean plays Mackenzie McKenzie in an upcoming comedy theatre show This is Mackenzie Country, Bitch brought to the stage by the PlaySpace Theatre Company.

Jess Jean has been doing stand-up for almost two years.

“I started doing it as myself and really enjoyed it.

“Mackenzie is a fun character, I’ve spent a lot of time around her, I came up with the character around the end of last year.

“She’s very fun, not always the most self-aware.”

Georgie Sivier, artistic director of the PlaySpace Theatre Company says the show looks at the stereotype of the basic bitch.

“People think the way girls look is a mirror into their intellect, you know, women can’t be pretty as well as being smart, intelligent or funny,” says Sivier.

“Guys have the same categories, but they’re not judged in the same way. Society perceives cute as being stupid.”

Jean says that often female comedians are immediately sexualised.

“I was once told that men are inherently funny whereas women are inherently sexual.

“I still struggle with being taken seriously – there’s this idea that to be taken seriously I have to dress down, be less feminine.

But this show is really about being able to do what I want.”

“Comedy can come in all packages.”

Sivier hopes the show encourages people not to presume “basic bitches” are idiots.

“It’s about embracing that and being okay with liking what you like,” says Jean.

The show is on for two nights only at The Dark Room on October 10 and 11. Concession tickets for students are $8 and $10 for adults.

Tickets are available on the Centrepoint Theatre website.

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Massive is the student magazine for all Massey University students.

This year we need even more student contributors to fill our pages. If you would like to contribute in any form, please do get in touch.

We’re keen as.

we want you*

llustration writing photography opinion

editor@mawsa.org.nz massive@mawsa.org.nz

*Well, Pocket specifically.

We only semi need you.

In the nicest way possible.

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New sculpture on Turitea campus gathers mixed reactions Bethany Reitsma manawatureporter@mawsa.org.nz

t The newest addition to the Turitea campus, 'Impossible Dialogue' is raising eyebrows.

A new addition to the Turitea campus which appears to be sprouting a male appendage has several students quietly amused, or in some cases just plain confused.

The 3.2 metre steel sculpture by artist Paul Dibble is called 'Impossible Dialogue'.

The statue, which used to live at Massey’s Hokowhitu campus, was recently transferred to the Turitea campus.

It now stands opposite the Massey University Students’ Association building where Bennetts bookstore used to be, near the Sir Geoffrey Peren building on the Manawatū campus.

The statue represents a figure on three legs having a conversation with a coloured steel parrot resting on a rod extended from the body.

“I think it looks great,” says student Joseph Pamata. “It’s a cool piece of artwork.”

But the statue has raised eyebrows as well as murmurs from more than a few students who think the rod looks like a penis with leaves sprouting from it.

It’s supposed to depict a parrot in conversation with the figure, but the parrot seems to have become detached from the statue since it was installed.

“It’s odd. I don’t really understand it,” says student Anna Strickett.

“You’ve got to really look at it to understand that it’s not just a guy with a massive penis.

“I’m an adult, I shouldn’t be just laughing every time I see it, but I still do.”

Massive Magazine has even received emails from students confused at the large piece of art.

“Recent sculpture addition to Turitea campus looks like a guy with three legs and a giant erect penis sprouting leaves,” an anonymous reader said in an email.

Massey’s Communications Director James Gardiner says that since the Hokowhitu campus was sold a couple of years ago, features like the statue are gradually being relocated to the Turitea campus.

A property development company bought the Hokowhitu site for housing.

“Everything will be located at the Turitea campus eventually.

It’s great because we get the benefit of artworks like this,” says Gardiner.

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Massey website disables Te Wiki O Te Reo Māori activity list on the week of events Mackenzie Dyer albanyreporter@mawsa.org.nz

A fortune cookie event was held as part of Māori Language Week was well-attended by students, however others went un-advertised .

Māori Language Week kicked off the second half of semester two and involved a string of events and activities on the Albany campus.

However, on the week itself, the Massey website disabled the page that told students what activities were taking place.

This was okay for some activities that were held in public spaces, as there was plenty of student traffic to engage regardless of whether students heard about it beforehand.

This was the case for the fortune cookie activity where students could learn the language though food, as it was held in the Albany Students’ Association lounge.

However, events like all-day Māori films in the hidden Library Theatre on Tuesday, September 11 were harder for students to stumble upon.

The page being disabled also meant that there was no link to kotahi te kupu, an online te reo version of Four Pics One Word

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that was listed as a Māori Language Week event before the list was removed.

Other events originally listed in the Massey site included a Waiata session on Wednesday, October 12 and te reo lessons on Thursday, September 13.

In a Facebook survey completed on the Overheard @ Massey Albany University page, 21 of the 22 respondents said they had not heard of any Māori language events on campus.

The theme for this year’s Māori language week was “Kia Kaha te reo Māori” that had a focus on revitalisation and keeping te reo strong.

Massey University did not respond to email requests from Massive Magazine for comment before the magazine's print deadline.

COLUMN

Join Massive’s Natasha Tziakis as she dissects New Zealand politics and offers her sharp and savvy opinion in this fortnightly column.

Chop chop motherfucker.

It’s been a rough couple of weeks for our Labour-led government with dismissals of multiple staff, clashes within the coalition, and tens of thousands of dollars being splashed out for a return flight from Nauru. It was around this time last year that the general election took place and although there are always murmurs of political scandals and drama, none have really matched up to what has happened recently.

Meka Whaitiri, the MP formerly responsible for the Customs Portfolio, was stood down due to allegations of ‘manhandling’ her new ministerial press secretary in an altercation in late August. Radio New Zealand state sources told journalists Whaitiri pushed her newly appointed press secretary. There is currently an investigation going on and both Jacinda Arden and Whaitiri are refusing any questioning on the matter.

Another MP of Ardern’s that was removed from Cabinet is Clare Curran. Curran failed to record a meeting she had with Derek Handly for a job vacancy in parliament in her diary.

She also didn’t record the meeting as a written parliamentary question. Written questions are one of the ways that allow parliament to keep the government to account. Failing to record the questions asked, and then subsequently answered, within a written parliamentary question can cause reasonable concern over what was said in the meeting. This was one of the main concerns for Ardern as well, which resulted in her accepting Curran’s resignation as MP.

So that’s two MPs gone from Ardern’s team in late August, but that isn’t the end of it. New Zealand’s refugee quota is something that is highly debated and there seems to be a neverending struggle between dreams and logistics, ethics and nationalism. Despite Ardern having to deal with the fact that she has had two of her MPs gone, she is now seemingly at loggerheads with Winston Peters. Ardern has been softly tiptoeing around doubling and/or raising the quota for a while, but she has recently taken a stand and says that she wants to double our current refugee quota to 1500. This quota conversation is happening currently as it’s been prompted by her visit to the Nauru detention centre.

Winston Peters has now come out and said, “there is a coalition government, and that coalition government did not promise to double the refugee numbers”, and he’s right in a weird sort of way. There has been no official announcement from the government stating that the refugee quote will be doubled, it’s only individuals like Ardern and Iain LeesGalloway saying this. Ardern has also recently come under fire for taking a return flight from New Zealand to Nauru as it cost $80,000 in fuel to get her to the Pacific island and back.

Her reasoning was that it gave her the ability to ‘fulfil my obligations as Prime Minister’ as she was visiting the detention centre as well as attending the three-day international forum held in Nauru.

It seems like a very fine balancing act that our Prime Minister is having to maintain between upholding behavioural expectations of her MPs, keeping in-house fighting to a minimum and trying to spend our money in the most cost effective way.

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COLUMN

ON THE LINE Writer: Leilani Baker This fortnightly column stays true to its name by discussing all things sports including controversies on and off the field. Whether you enjoy a casual brew whilst watching the rugby, or your inner demon emerges when the football comes on, this column is dedicated to you, the sport-lovers of Massey.

It's Complicated

For so long it’s been argued men are naturally stronger, faster, and more agile than women.

But with the blurring of this male/female binary, competing in sports has become more complex.

Many academics and theorists argue gender is not biological but is socially constructed.

Yet sports continue to categorise athletes based on their genitalia and hormone levels.

South-African middle distance runner Caster Semenya was made to undergo numerous tests after concerns about her gender.

Semenya obliterated one of her personal best running times by 25 seconds in a competition in 2009. Beating your own time like that is unheard of in athletics.

The combination of her drastic improvement and ‘masculine’ appearance sparked much controversy and tests showed Semenya had a condition called hyperandrogen (excessive levels of testosterone).

The Athletics Federation claimed Semenya wasn’t cheating but this rare medical

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condition gave her an unfair advantage.

Earlier this year the Federation announced hyperandrogens must take medication to lower their testosterone levels in order to compete. However, the change only applies to 400 m, 800 m, and 1500 m events.

Suspiciously, these are the exact same events Semenya competes in.

But this isn’t the only example of gender causing confusion in sport. Similar concerns have been raised around the participation of transgender athletes.

Kiwi weightlifter Lauren Hubbard was formally known as Gavin Hubbard who competed in men’s weightlifting. Hubbard now competes in the 90kg+ female category and is the first New Zealand female to win an international title.

Hubbard’s participation in female events also sparked controversy around the ‘fairness’ of her participation against cis-women.

However, the Commonwealth Games Federation CEO David Greveberg defended her, saying policies around gender in sport need to be based on safety and fairness.

So, do sports categories need to change to accommodate transgender and athletes with high levels of testosterone?

Otago University physiology lecturer Alison Heather thinks new sports categories could be created but in doing so would cause issues of inclusion.

“It’s not fair to cis-women to have transwomen or highly hyperandrogenic women compete as it is not a level playing ground. Testosterone is an all-purpose

performance advantage,” she says.

Heather explains gender identity is very different to biological sex so it’s a tricky one to answer.

There doesn’t seem to be a quick fix to gender-related issues in sport. But I suggest we focus on categories related to ability as opposed to gender. Not only will it make for more interesting competition, it will also allow athletes of all gender identities to compete without the fuss. As children sports teams and events are categorised by the ability of the child. So you girls have competing against boys, and everyone seems to get on with it. But maybe it’s easier said than done.

Pass or play: Disc Golf You’ve heard of Ultimate Frisbee but what about Disc Golf? The main goal of Disc Golf is the same as regular golf- complete the course in the least amount of strokes- or in this case least amount of throws as possible.

Instead of a hole there is a hoop at the end of the course. Disc Golf originated in Canada in the 1920’s but is now played in over 40 countries. New Zealand has 17 Disc Golf courses, a national team called ‘The Flying Kiwis’, and many national tournaments throughout the year.

Ponder that: The phrase about winning something “Hands Down” originally referred to a Jockey who won a race without whipping his horse or pulling back the reins.

SATIRE

business Writer: Chris Glavovic

It is about time that we crack the whip and talk about what really matters... business. Business fuels the economy.

It gives life to those people who wake up early and don crisp suits and drink black coffee. I mean, look where it got Donald Trump. Don't let anyone tell you that studying business is a bad idea — I don't think anyone ever regrets learning about fun things like economics, finance, or accountancy!

There are just oodles of fun to be had in business and The New News is going to analyse the latest business trends in cohesion with industry professionals and provide insightful knowledge about the stock markets and Wall Street and all things business! It is time to dig up the hoards of gold you have in your backyard and invest them back into our failing economy.

Nothing puts a smile on my face more than the stock markets. They are so enchanting and pretty and constantly make people happy. For example, The New News recently invested millions in an off-shore fake-afro manufacturer — with the popularity of the Colin Kaepernick/Nike advert we are sure that kids all over the world will be asking their parents for afros. The thing is, it's a great conversation starter, as well as a good way to dispose of your income.

You always hear people talking about disposable income—what better way to throw it away than invest in a silly company. Moving on, a huge increase in the sale and supply of LIGMA has been gripping the European Union.

The flow of LIGMA throughout European nations has increased by 690 per cent. This means that there is so much LIGMA in Europe, that even the

Queen of England is buying shares. The producers of LIGMA, SUGMA Inc., is choosing to remain silent about the matter and attribute their huge success to the popularity of their product.

Who remembers Bitcoin? Yeah, it's still around — not too much to say there.

You either struck gold or remained oblivious — like the ending of Shutter Island. Anyway, the problem with crypto currency is that you can't make them rain over a stripper. Nor can you snort lines of... crypto currency is great! Invest now.

I certainly hope that everyone saw Elon Musk smoking pot on a live web show.

If you didn't, be sure to check out an actual news source for the video. For our business newcomers, Elon Musk is the CEO of Tesla Motors. Tesla makes cars.

Cars are what humans use to transport themselves around the planet. The planet is the big round thing on which we live. To live is to smoke pot on a live web show with Joe Rogan... It always amazes me to see how the universe has a way of doing full circles. Anyway, Tesla stocks have been dropping following the interview because Musk's behaviour has been labelled as "pretty gnarly" and "too loose, bro". Even though Tesla is rather new-aged and forward in their thinking, legally smoking weed on camera is apparently where they draw the line. It is funny to think that people are upset about Musk's behaviour when Ricardo Alvarez, Ecopetrol's CEO, had his own run in with the media just the other day. Ecopetrol is Colombia's biggest petroleum company and one of the 25 biggest petroleum companies in the world. Last week, Alvarez excused himself from an interview due to "tiredness," returning to the interview

minutes later with blood-shot eyes and a dusting of white powder under his nose. When asked about it, he replied, "I smelled freshly baked cupcakes out in the foyer and had to get some. So, what if I got a little icing sugar on my nose.

Wanna fight about it?" It was clearly not icing powder, nor were the cupcakes worth a trip to Colombia.

Whack something up online, advertise on Facebook, and the rest is history.

Pictures and videos circulate the globe via the internet faster than Elon Musk hits a joint on national television. Drop something controversial into your post, and it spreads even faster! A case study we can look at is how Coca-Cola recently started hiring underpaid, and underaged workers in anonymous countries in order to up sell and market their product. The new line of Coke drinks labelled Coke SL, or Coke So Lush, has been openly marketed as a product that is made in unfavourable conditions in order to cut costs. Some are calling it Pepsi, because it tastes so cheap, and others are calling it Coke Slave Labour.

Surely the entire country of New Zealand boycotts Coke and refuses to buy their product. However, that would probably mean the downfall of L&P...

Seems that we are caught between a giant L&P bottle and a hard place. Sheesh.

Business sucks.

Read more: thenewnewsworldwide.wordpress.com/ *The New News analyses the most critical issues of modern society. Leonardo Da Vinci once said, "it is important to read The New News because it'll make you smart—or something..." Keeping with tradition, we inform our readers on a wide range of topics including religion, politics, and ingrown toenails.

fFeEaAtTuUrReE

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E V I S S MA IVeE MaAsSsSiv m

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INTERVIEW

Massey University Students’ Association Acting President and first-year veterinary science student Ngahuia Kirton has been elected as the student member of the Massey University Council.

Kirton, one of five candidates along with David McNab, the council’s student-elected member since September 2016, studied a Bachelor of Science last year at the Manawatū campus and was previously the association’s welfare executive.

Her election was announced earlier this month and Massive Magazine caught up with Kirton to chat about her goals for the next year and how she has become so involved in student politics.

h t i w w e i v r e t n i n a ngahui a kir to M

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MASSIVE

What are your goals as a member of the University Council in 2019?

I'm pretty stoked that the council position is a two year term, because that will hopefully give enough me room to grow and develop in the position. In terms of personal goals, I really just want to make the most of my opportunity and the expertise of my colleagues. I would also like to see more students engaging with and challenging the University Council! A more political goal for me I suppose is that I would love to see another student member seat on our University Council, which is something I'll be looking into with the other council members to see how this could work for Massey.

Your predecessor David McNab had a lot of support from the Extramural students’ community. Were you surprised with how this year’s results turned out?

I was surprised! I know David is really committed to giving distance students a voice and he's very passionate about his role as President of EXMSS. I am super grateful for the guidance and support he's offered me and continues to give.

Why did you decide to run for University Council?

Honestly, I just thought it was too good an opportunity to pass up. I'm quite passionate about governance and strategy, and to be a Council member of Massey at my age is just a dream come true and a chance that doesn't come often!

For those who might be unsure, what is the role of the University Council?

The University Council is basically the governing body of Massey, so they're responsible for overseeing the whole university and making sure that the best decisions are being made about how we run, what we offer and how we are seen. It's a lot like the 'board' of a typical company.

A lot of students don’t typically know about the University Council or its role. Why do you think this is?

Totally! I think that sometimes the council can feel very removed from the day-to-day running of the

uni and it can sometimes be hard for students to identify what impact the council really has on their tertiary experience. I think that the university could definitely launch a few awareness campaigns which would help.

As part of your role would you like to see more students taking in interest in student politics? Why? Absolutely! Like I mentioned before, I would really like to see students becoming more and more engaged with politics on a lot of levels. I think it's so valuable to know what impacts you and I reckon a lot of people would find a passion for politics!

How did you become so involved in student politics?

I was always quite interested in politics when I was in high school, and when I came to Massey I started volunteering with MUSA which completely opened my eyes to student politics. A few people from MUSA encouraged me to get involved with executive which I was lucky enough to be elected on to, and from there my involvement basically just grew.

What do you think the key is to get more students involved in student politics?

I think that as soon as students understand that they have a voice and they feel empowered to direct their own experience at uni that will be a flow-on effect to getting more involved with politics. Awareness is the key I would say, I don't have all the answers, but I have a few ideas!

You are currently serving as Acting President of MUSA. Do you think this has helped prepare you for your role next year?

Yes! The experience that being president has given me is actually so valuable, my governance knowledge and passion for strategy has really multiplied during my time at MUSA. Do you see a future for yourself in politics?

Good question! As a vet student I can definitely see how my passion for politics and governance could be a big aspect of my career, but probably not directly as such. Who knows though!

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feature

WHAT IT'S REALLY LIKE TO LIVE IN A MASSEY HALL Writer: Massey Reporters

Nearly 1500 students are currently staying at Massey Halls of Residence on the Albany, ManawatĹŤ and Wellington campuses. With future plans to expand accommodation in both Albany and Wellington, staying at a hall is a popular option for many first time students. Massive Magazine staff reporters chatted to students utilising university accommodation on all three campuses to find out what it is really like to live in a hall.

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MASSIVE

Manawatu Nathaniel Hamlin

First-year Environmental Science student Nathaniel Hamlin has been living in Totara Hall on the Manawatū campus since the beginning of the year.

“I didn’t really want to go into town halls what with all the asbestos around, my parents didn’t want me to live somewhere grotty.”

Hamlin says when he moved in most of the students already knew each other, as the bulk of them were aviation students who had started uni over summer.

“They were very friendly, they dominated the common room a bit. It was great getting to know them though – I’m hoping for some free flights in the future!” he laughs.

“It’s mostly first years in Totara, I can think of maybe one second year.”

Hamlin says the positives of halls life include the people and being right on campus.

“I don’t have to figure out transportation and I get my sleep-ins.

“We also have social sports teams each semester where we get to play a sport, we have indoor football this semester.”

Hamlin says that living in halls in such close proximity to other people means it wasn’t long till he caught the flu.

“Other downsides include getting drunks showing up at 2am sometimes, last time I just got up and yelled at them to shut up and go to sleep.

“People from Matai (another hall) come into our dorm and steal our flag, there’s a bit of rivalry going on there.

“We actually have a tea club in Totara, as in we meet up and drink cups of tea…

there’s 30-odd people on the roll and about 20 come to meet ups.”

“I drink more tea than I drink alcohol,” he admits.

Hamlin says that overall, he’s happy with the decision to live in a hall.

“To be honest, when I got the flu it really made me wanna move out, that’s just not fun. But everyone in the dorm is really cool. Some people do keep to themselves, but it’s quite fun to break the introverts a bit, get them to come out of their shell.

“MC’ing the halls ball was really fun – I was probably the only sober one in the room, cause I had to be. Orientation Week was pretty intense. People went on three-day benders.

“People want to go out and drink a lot, but I don’t usually give in to the pressure. Got to save up for milk and bread, you know. The essentials.”

Hamlin is on the Bronze meal plan with the dining hall.

“I like to cook but the kitchen in Totara gets pretty messy. If both microwaves are dirty I usually end up cleaning the whole kitchen.

“I’ve unofficially earned the title of kitchen bitch. People use my paper towels all the time and that pisses me off.”

Hamlin says he’d recommend halls life for first year students.

“Move in and find your people and then go on to flat with them in second year.”

“I’m open to staying in Totara and becoming an RA in the future, definitely.”

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Albany Shannen Frear

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First year Business student Shannen Frear lives at the Te Ōhanga Village at Massey Albany.

Te Ōhanga has 210 residents in the halls, which are made up of three buildings: Pukeko, Tui and Weka.

She says overall her time in the hall has been a positive experience.

“There are so many good things.

Friends, the events, the mental health and social support… Te Ōhanga has really made an effort to make us feel welcome.

“Honestly, I can’t think of anything bad, I have had a really good experience.”

Frear says when she first arrived at the halls there were plenty of icebreaker games and events to keep people busy.

“Then throughout the year we’ve had parties with dress ups and drinking in our social area [Te Rito], where you can go anytime for a game of pool or just to hang.”

In Albany every year residents are remembered for a variety of interesting stories. 2016 was the year of the guy who spewed down Pukeko’s stairs, and last year will be remembered for the people who made a DIY ute spa by unscrewing apartment shower hoses to fill up the pool below.

Frear says her year in the halls is no different.

“We call Tui’s ground floor the “g” floor, who are renowned for not giving a damn and getting up to crazy stuff.

“It has been a year of rowdiness and several broken doors. They’ve just been kicked out actually…so yeah, G floor will definitely be our identifier.”

Frear says despite partying and the

sometimes ruckus behaviour, staying in a hall has been surprisingly homely.

“I think it depends on who you are, because I know some people really struggled making a home out of the halls.

“For me though, my wing is like a family, so I definitely feel at home. Then you have the support of the residential advisors which is really nice, too.”

Even the food offered to students staying on Massey’s Albany campus hasn’t been too much of a shock, Frear says.

Binge drinking is ingrained in New Zealand student culture, but Frear says anyone who doesn’t enjoy drinking shouldn’t be put off staying in a hall in their first year.

“It was a bit different for me, because I was still 17 when I came to the halls until June of this year.

“So, it was really interesting to watch from a distance and see what going to town was like for people.

“While going out has been a lot of fun since I turned 18, I never felt pressured to do so.

“I think at Massey it depends on your friend group so maybe other people felt it, but with us, we totally respect it if someone isn’t feeling it or has an assignment due or whatever.

“If anything, going out is just a part of our routine on a Thursday, but it never has to be every week.”

Frear says anyone who is interested in staying in a hall should go for it.

“Make the most of it, because there are opportunities and friends to be made.

The whole ‘university is what you make it’ thing is really true."

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Wellington Sofia Machray

First year commercial music student Sofia Machray lives in The Cube, a residential hall on Taranaki Street close to the Wellington campus.

The Cube is one of two halls of residence at Massey Wellington, the newest, Kainga Rua was opened at the beginning of this year.

Both halls sit directly across from each other and are a stone’s throw away from campus.

At the start of this year Machray moved into a five bedroom flat with flatmates she says were equally as shy and anxious as her.

She says it’s crazy to think about this now because the group have come to be such close friends through living together at The Cube.

“The number of friends you make is overwhelming and it's so cool seeing how you develop these relationships over the span of a year.

“I see some people more as a family now which I would've never expected.”

She says it can sometimes be hard to balance social life with workload when you live in a hall.

But at times she’s also found hall life helped with her uni work too.

“In my flat, I've been put with four other people who take the same course as me which has been so helpful.”

“We all study commercial music and are able to discuss our work when it's hand-in week which is amazing, we are so incredibly lucky to have each other.

“Coming here and not knowing anyone was hard so I feel like if I didn't move into a hall I might only have friends within my music course, which wouldn't be many."

Machray says she has never regretted her decision to stay in a hall.

She says there’s always so many activities on offer like bake offs, movie nights, sports, balls, speed dating and pizza nights.

Despite all the positive experiences at the cube, Machray says it can also sometimes be difficult.

“The worst things would be having to clean up after flatmates, the noise of drunk teenagers coming home at 3am and paying for washing and drying. But hey that's life.”

Her craziest experience this year is the time her flat’s microwave blew up.

“It smoked out our apartment, so the firemen had to come, and everyone had to evacuate the building.

“That was pretty crazy, I still don't understand what happened to this day.”

Machray says she would recommend living in a hall to any first year student.

“I love being surrounded by so many like-minded/creative people that I instantly click with.

“There's always so much happening and so many opportunities to meet new people.”

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When the homework is piled high and our motivation is at its all-time low, we have all sat down and longed for the day where our graduation certificate is in hand and we are able to finally start living.

Traveling the world as a post grad Writer: Elise Cacace

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From the majority of people I have talked to about after graduation plans, the idea of traveling seems to be a commonly shared one. Who doesn’t want to get on a plane and explore places that most people have only seen through a phone screen. Now days a plane ticket to anywhere even remotely far away from New Zealand plus all the other holiday expenses would cost about seven year’s worth of Study Link pay plus a left kidney. Luckily traveling doesn’t just consist of five-star resorts and sipping on cocktails at a beach bar, in fact it could mean the complete opposite.

Roughing it out in a tent and having a wardrobe that fits in just a backpack has proven to be a great way to get to places, experience things and learn more than just the name of the country you are visiting. Asides from camping and packing light, there are many more ways to make traveling just that bit more affordable and less stressful, saving you money whilst giving you a lifetime worth of memories. So, here are some of the most common and effective methods of traveling that I have found will give you more bang for your buck, without lessening the amazing experience of traveling!

Booking in advance One thing to realise when planning a trip overseas is that often ticket prices increase the closer you get to the departure date. The hype of counting down the days until you’re on that plane is always a great motivator to get work finished, as well as being a significant part of the holiday experience. Extending that hype by booking dates and accommodation in advance will not only save you some dollars but will also provide daily excitement and guarantee you won’t be stuck stressing over finding last minute flights.

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Another tip – booking flights for a Tuesday are usually a lot cheaper as that is the day the least people tend to fly.

Browser cookies Another thing to be aware of when booking flights, train tickets and accommodation is making sure you clear your browser cookies or even using a private/incognito window when searching online. Many people aren’t aware of the sneaky tricks Google uses to track prices we have been previously quoted, making markets more competitive and judging our level of interest in their services. By browsing on private windows, we can see the ultimate deals that travel and accommodation services have to offer without being sucked into spending extra dollars.

Location and destination Tourist traps are usually popular for a reason but can be the source to all your financial struggles. Any country will have so many incredible places to explore regardless of whether you are going to the Eiffel Tower or a hidden street market in Asia, so choosing a destination a little off-the-beaten-path could in fact lead to some magnificent and underrated discoveries whilst also saving you just that little bit of extra money. Also, you are less inclined to get sucked into other tourist targeted marketing strategies and will certainly avoid large crowds and queues by visiting more remote locations as opposed to iconic land features and big cities, (save those fancy tourist holidays for when you’re older and have become a highly successful business person).

Man vs Wild Instead of paying all that cash for a hotel bed to sleep in, why not invest in some good quality sleeping bags, a waterproof tent and immerse yourself in nature. Most travel destinations provide some sort of camping spot and so (unless its torrential weather or there are wild bears roaming around) why not get a

dose of the wild and save that hotel money for something more worthwhile! Another cheap accommodation option is hostels – despite their gross reputation some hostels have proven to be great for putting up a warm comfy place to sleep and can also be a great place for meeting new people traveling just like you.

Bringing your own bed sheets is probably a good idea though.

Become your own chef Holidays don’t always mean eating out at restaurants every night. By buying your own food from the supermarket and having homemade meals (which most of us have gotten used to doing at uni already) you could easily save hundreds. Most supermarkets offer a lot more substantial and long-lasting food compared to restaurants anyway.

Also, when eating out - depending on where you are - make sure you check little side streets for food places. The main streets in big cities always have the biggest tourist flow and therefore more touristy prices, which are not that great when traveling on a budget.

Pack light Traveling with only the essentials may seem like a difficult thing to do, especially for girls who like to bring eight different clothing options for a two-day trip. Limiting your travel items will save you heaps of luggage fees, avoid check-in luggage and also means that you can hop on low-cost carriers for a way lower price than normal plane flights. It also makes it much easier to load one bag onto a crowded bus rather than paying someone to drive you and four suitcases somewhere. Traveling light also saves the stress of having to leave large suitcases somewhere when exploring for the day, so we may as well become experts at packing!

Now you’re pretty much set to go out and explore the world, and hopefully still have enough saved dollars for a cheeky ice cream here and there.

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Artist: Morgan Worthington

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"...understand ma tikanga in a safe place"

Current work at the site of the Te Kuratini Marae on Massey's Wellington campus.

End in sight for Marae development Writer: Nikki Papatsoumas

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For almost four years the $1.8 million question on Wellington’s campus has been when will the Te Kuratini Marae open its doors.

And despite the fact Massey University announced work on the wharenui would be completed by 2016, students and staff have remained largely in the dark about the future of the building.

However, there may now be end in sight, with Massey confirming an opening date will hopefully be set for the first quarter of 2019.

When the project was first announced in 2015, Massey said the new-look marae would be physically re-positioned

toward the centre or the “heart” of the campus.

As part of the re-vamp the existing wharenui has been converted into a wharekai and a whole new wharenui has been built.

At the time of the announcement, the then Assistant Vice-Chancellor Māori and Pasifika, Dr Selwyn Katene, said the $1.875 million construction and repositioning project was necessary as the existing buildings and facilities needed an artistic and design upgrade.

With completion of the new marae in sight Massey University has hired Ani Morris, as the new Kaiwhakaruruhau/ Marae Manager.

Ani started in her new role almost two months ago. Growing up within the ever adapting nature of her Māori culture she says she is excited to move back to Wellington and take on a new challenge.

Ani says once opened, her priorities will consist of maintaining the operation of the marae complex as well as ensuring that the relationships between student and staff alike are strong, productive and maintained.

In addition to these tasks will be helping the Massey whānau understand what kind of space they are walking into.

The marae will not only be used by staff and students on Massey’s Wellington campus, it will also be open to networks.

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An artist's impression of what the completed Te Kuratini Marae might look like.

“For our campus, staff and students, it’s going to give us all the opportunity to better understand tikanga Māori within a safe space,” she says.

Ani says she is in the process of connecting with people who used to look after this space.

"...a kaupapa that is tailor made to that space"

“I’m currently in the process of getting touch with key people that were involved with the previous marae, to make sure we use that space appropriately.

“I like to know what’s been there before, and how I can enhance that space and contribute to it well, by understanding how it was functioning before.”

The wharenui began as a prefab laboratory at Wellington Polytechnic’s Buckle St site and in 1977 was turned into a wharenui. In 1990 it was moved to its current location.

Art work is being completed by the Kāhui Toi group from the College of Creative Arts on Massey’s Wellington campus.

In a statement earlier this year, Massey University said the installation of the

whakairo (art) would commence once all construction work on the wharenui and wharekai was completed.

Ani says artwork is prepared for a marae depending on the purpose of the marae – whether it’s understanding the process of genealogy, a mana whenua perspective, or a concept based on Mātauranga Māori.

“It is very different depending on what people want to use it for. Each marae will have a kaupapa that is tailor made to that space.”

Massey’s Communications Director James Gardiner says weather-tightness issues on the side doors of the marae have stalled installation of art work.

He says art cannot be installed until this weather-tightness is addressed.

He says he hopes art work will begin to be installed by the end of the year, a process which should take a few months.

From here, he says he expects the marae will be opened in the first quarter of next year.

Kōkiri Ngātahi, the Māori students’ association on the Massey Wellington 27

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Te Kuratini Marae before work began in 2015. The old building has now been converted into a wharekai.

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campus say the new marae will be of benefit to Māori students.

“Having a marae will influence Māori presence and status on campus. It will also benefit Māori student services, as the marae creates a place for the group to hold events and host other rōpū.

“Kōkiri Ngātahi will have access to the Marae, giving the association a stable tūrangawaewae.”

Hine Tihore is running for the position of Māori Executive on the 2019 Massey at Wellington Students’ Association (MAWSA) Executive.

She says she is excited to see the marae’s doors opened.

"I'm excited for the marae to open because to me it's more than just a building, it is a visual cultural representation that connects us to the campus and each other,” she says.

“It grounds us and allows us to be who we are and share who we are in the midst of the culturally intimidating environment that is academia.”

Tihore says cultural representations such as the marae play an integral part in academic success for ethnic minorities.

“That's why I initiated conversations with MAWSA and some of the Māori support staff to try and understand the marae completion situation.

“For me, it seemed like maybe the project could be helped along by a strong student voice which is ultimately why I decided to run for Māori Exec for 2019."

Column

Entry 10: Tenacious Taumaranui and other forgotten highway gems Recently due to some controversy over the town of Taumaranui, I decided to address my opinion on it. Some believe that Taumaranui is God’s gift to the world, yet some view this small settlement as the asshole of the earth.

The few people I’ve met who've hailed from this small place are very interesting characters. This comes as no surprise to anyone. These people endure some of the most extreme conditions known to man, and they conquer this by drinking possibly the world’s worst beverage, Waikato (swamp-water). These people are unique.

Taumaranui sits on the Adventure Highway and starts the Forgotten World Highway in the central King Country of the North Island. While it is questionably included in King Country, it is most definitely a valued member of the Forgotten World Highway, let’s be real, you don’t want to remember this place.

Some people view this small place (and the surrounding area) as a third world country material, and I would tend to agree. Cell phone coverage is nonexistent, and from what I’ve been told, you’d be lucky to get anything over dial-up for the majority of the area. Despite these third-world aspects, Taumaranui has some redeeming aspects. It recently had a $150K plus job going for a manager at a tourism business, and it also has a ‘virtual’ graveyard. An intriguing misallocation of taxpayer dosh.

Speaking of third-world countries, there is another town close to lovely Taumaranui, called Whangamomana (The Republic of Whangamomana). It is also a valued member of the Forgotten World Highway. This small town is recognised as a different country. Whangamomana is complete with presidents, however, not many of them have been human. They even have passports and passport stamps to ensure safe passage through Whangamomana.

Arguably the most influential President of the Republic was Billy Gumboot the Goat, who won the election by a landslide. Although some residents speculate he ate the other challengers' ballots in order to win. He died in office after serving for 18 months. I believe other countries could learn a thing or two from Whangamomana, animals as presidents is a bloody good idea. Let it be said that Whangamomana has a phenomenal pub as well.

These are just some examples of the gems you’ll find whilst traveling through the nether region of New Zealand. Time for a road trip.

TL;DR: Don’t let the name fool you. The Forgotten World Highway is a very memorable place.

Until Next Time, Todd Not Your Average Ponderer 29

SEQUELS Writer: Kyle Smith Sadly, not every film can be Mission Impossible 6.

Surely this is an unspoken sentence in the history of the English language, but it’s true. We should all learn from Tom Cruise’s latest outing. MI:6 does what most sequels don’t do, it did good. It’s not the best film of this year (Three Billboards, duh), but it is probably the best movie sequel since 22 Jump Street. MI:6 was widely accessible to people who haven’t seen any film in the franchise before, but it is simultaneously rewarding to committed fans. It was just an all-around great time for everyone. But sadly, this cannot be a review of MI:6; writing about enjoyable movie experiences is unfortunately not my style, so let’s get real.

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Realistically, movie sequels fall into four categories: 1. Great (MI:6, 22 Jump Street, Paddington 2) 2. Good (The Conjuring 2, Deadpool 2, Jumanji: Welcome to the Jungle) 3. Fine (The Incredibles 2 –don’t hate me, Alien Covenant, JigSAW) 4. BAD (I’m sure you can fill this one in yourself) The thing that most sequels suffer from is the lack of memorability. Unless sequels change things up to keep it fresh, they end up moulding into one and franchises become indistinguishable. Can you remember what happened in Saw IV? Probably exactly what happened in Saw I-III, except much, much worse. But I won’t be looking at those, even those are too good for me. I will be looking at those sequels that are not necessarily terrible, but those that are so unmemorable you totally forgot they existed.

Yes, Pitch Perfect 3 exists. Yes, Kingsman 2 came out less than a year ago. And yes, the widely anticipated criticised all-female reboot of Ghostbusters DID end up getting released, how could we forget so soon?

So obviously, I sat down one afternoon and watched them all back-to-back in hope to prove society wrong.

Society has tried to forget these movies, but I am here to see if they have been wrongfully cast aside. I set out to see if these sequels should have been forgotten or if they should be consumed IMMEDIATELY. Spoiler alert: I shouldn’t have gotten my hopes up.

Film One:

Ghostbusters (2016) The film originally had massive backlash on the internet for being an all-female reboot of a classic 80’s film, but I am here to tell you that is not the reason the film got bad reviews when it was released.

It got bad reviews because it is genuinely bad. I opted for the extended edition at a lengthy 2 hours and 13 minutes, and I wanted to turn it off within the first seven. The opening scene to the original Ghostbusters is iconic, but sadly, this film’s opening scene does NOT recapture that magic, however it does get points for casting Zack Woods (from Silicon Valley and The Office ‘fame’). Talking about casting choices, the main cast have zero chemistry, and all look incredibly bored

throughout. After watching enough American Horror Story, Kristin Wiig just reminds me of a less talented Sarah Paulson, and Melissa McCarthy just reminds me of someone that I do not find funny. The other two leads are fine but less recognisable, unless you have kept up with modern-day Saturday Night Live which I hope for your sake that you have not. It’s ironic that in a female reboot Chris Hemsworth’s character is undeniably the highlight, the shining light in an otherwise dull, dumb movie. The story is not noteworthy in the slightest and for a comedy, basically every joke fails. Some people may like the slapstick, deadpan and potentially unintentional cringe style of comedy, but personally, this is not my style of comedy because I prefer comedy that is funny. I wish I could tell you, “booyah - emphasis on the boo” was not an actual joke in this movie, but it was, and I had to endure it.

Verdict: BAD. It wasn’t as bad as society expected, and it didn’t warrant the initial hate it received, but it was still pretty terrible and I would not recommend it to anyone. The best thing to come out of it was the joke Ricky Gervais made about it at the 2016 Golden Globes.

Film Two:

Kingsman 2: The Secret Service (2017) I would like to preface this by saying I had seen before, and from remembrance, I thought it was fine. I thought the action was cool and the Game of Thrones cowboy guy was by far the best part. Upon rewatch, I can confirm this movie is long and dumb, but enjoyable. Basically, the Kingsman Spy Service gets destroyed and the survivors must side with the American equivalent (statesman, obviously) to take down a drug cartel leader. It is unbelievably over the top but without the self-aware nature of the original, which is fine if you go in expecting just that. But, it does something good sequels should do, it builds upon the world it created in the first one. Instead of rehashing the first film, it takes that world into account and adds upon it which makes this sequel feels fresh and unique. Coming straight off watching Ghostbusters however, watching this felt very long and I 31

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was fighting the urge to go on my phone from very early on. Just as I remembered, Whiskey (cowboy GOT man) is the highlight. He spins his revolver around on his finger and kills everyone around him in a 360 degrees radius. Awesome. Channing Tatum does absolutely nothing for noone, and I much preferred Colin Firth in Mamma Mia 2, which is saying something. Elton John is also here for some reason, but he is incredible, so if you want to see him in fight sequences and being completely out of character, this movie is for you. Or you could just watch the isolated fight scenes on YouTube for free, that’ll probably be more satisfying and save you twoand-a-half hours of your life.

Verdict: Good. It may even be better than the first one. Despite the overly long runtime with slightly uneven pacing and a very unsubtle message on drugs, you are likely to enjoy this flashy over-the-top spy film. Also, a Cowboy played by Jeff Bridges spits out a shot of tequila into a bucket like it was tobacco and it is as stupid and amazing as it sounds.

accent should sound like and John Lithgow puts in a very poor effort attempting to be Fat Amy’s dad. As this is supposedly the final Pitch Perfect movie, the last 10 minutes were an emotional conclusion and even after considering the 80 minutes that preceded this were dumb and had no emotion whatsoever, those last 10 minutes still hit me. So despite the weak to non-existent story and lack of laughs, you’re likely to enjoy this if you liked the others, or even if you hated PP2 like me. The riff-off happens within the first twenty minutes however, and there was no Adam Devine’s character which is a complete letdown, but still.

Verdict: Fine. It was completely forgettable and will never be a classic like the original, but it was enjoyable enough. The chemistry between the cast is incredible and the soundtrack was fun, which is all I could ask for.

Last ten minutes: Rest of the film:

Film Three:

In Conclusion Sometimes movies get unfairly misjudged and therefore left unwatched and forgotten. Sometimes it’s not the films fault, it can all be due to timing.

The Nice Guys and Popstar: Never Stop Never Stopping came out at the same time as Captain America: Civil War which completely ruined any chance they had to succeed (success they both should have earned, might I add). But sequels have the worst chance of being remembered, simply because they are sequels, we’ve seen it all before. Kingsman 2 and Pitch Perfect 3 weren’t terrible, and are arguably worth watching, but they have been forgotten. Sequels have a pretty bad reputation, but some sequels might be worth a watch and should be given a chance; Pirates of the Caribbean 5 might’ve be cool, who knows? And maybe I WILL go see the new Johnny English when it comes out, I’m not sure.

But what I am 100 per cent sure of is no matter what, never ever watch Ghostbusters.

Please. It’s just not worth it.

Pitch Perfect 3 (2017) This was the movie I was most excited to watch out of the three, by far. Like every sane person, I loved the first Pitch Perfect and absolutely hated Pitch Perfect 2. My friend told me that PP2 was probably better than PP3, but, I was hopeful. It might be bad, but it couldn’t be Pitch Perfect 2 bad, could it? And thankfully, the answer is no, it wasn’t that bad. Unlike Ghostbusters and Kingsman, Pitch Perfect 3 felt rushed and fast-paced (despite nothing really happening). There was practically no storyline, but when the plot that does exist revolves around trying to prove your artistic worth to DJ Khaled, you know what you’re getting into. The cast’s chemistry is 100 per cent the highlight and arguably the reason to watch it. I absolutely love Anna Kendrick, her memoir is sitting on my bedside table in fact, so more of her doing her thing isn’t a bad thing. Ruby Rose also appears very briefly, and while she didn’t do anything of value, I still enjoyed her presence. After years of listening to Hamish and Andy’s daily radio show and recently completing the TV Show Please like Me, I know what an Australian

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ivUseRaE MFamEsAasTw It's September and there are a lot of things I need to keep in mind And remember Like loving myself and not always just doing things for myself The errands are almost endless The days are almost restless A constant move, what does the world look like when everything stops?

I seek what is hidden inside of me Like exploring my creativity Being able to make spot on decisions within my ability Accepting what I already have and don't have But I know deep down There is way more to it I'm worried about what to do next year 2019 is coming and I have no plans yet whatsoever The demanding questions of where I go or end up, is rising As time draws closer and closer Pressure to know what I'm doing by the expectations of my peers PISSES ME OFF So listen up folks Just because I don't have a clue doesn't mean I have no shoes I am running in them Following my dreams to travel the world Because I am that type of girl Who can't stay still Moving and planning ahead is in my name Reaching goals , smiling and styling I'll show you who is on the runway Watch me walk when I make it happen, it'll happen I'm in charge of my life , I am my own boss So why do you give a toss!?

So get your paws off mine and look at yourself in the mirror See what you need to focus on Ima let my mind wander and let these timely events do the talking (not you ,boo) That can lead me to discover my next path (that's the spirit, woo hoo!)

Where to from here? – Melissa Ng

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where to from here?

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the UNLONELY woman Let's talk dating

Let’s talk dating yea? Because boo I tell you this has got me good this year.

More so recently more than ever to the point that I am officially off men.

Let’s delve in of course I mean it’s The Unlonely Woman of course so its story telling time or in my case real life story time.

So, let’s call this guy for this story Carla.

So, me and Carla matched on Bumble and started chatting straight away. He lived up north an hour out of Taupō. I thought, you know what, let’s see what his chats like for a week and if it ain’t good or I’m not feeling it I’ll call it. But honey it was great. We started talking on the phone and would be on the phone for three hours some nights. I loved talking to him. I’m an open book but I felt I could open up about certain things I don’t with others. Like we really connected… so I thought. Next thing you know a month came around and we had both wanted to see each other. We had the idea that I go up there and book an Airbnb and actually go on a date. So I packed my bags, booked the Airbnb and I was on my way.

I arrived, and both nights were great.

He was a really cool guy. Different to the kind of guy I would normally date. But I found him attractive, he was nice and really down to earth. The romantic days away were a hit. He was all touchy and romantic the whole time. He said he was interested. He also showed this with his

actions as well. Now why has this put me off men for a bit you may ask?

I got back to Wellington after a five-hour drive. I messaged him saying I’m home and basically said does he want to carry on or just be mates. Now if he had said be mates I would have been sweet with this like it would have been fine. But he didn’t reply. He then watches my snaps, goes on Facebook multiple times. Before you say I’m a stalker. It would literally say “Carla” (not his real name) is online whilst I was messaging mates. Like on and off it would keep coming up. I was like cool bro you can do all this but not reply to a simple message. He then hits me with the, “can I tackle this in the morning? You’re an awesome chick”.

I’m sitting here like bruh you for real it’s a simple damn question? Like that’s just stringing me along. I said nah bro I ain’t no second thought. Anyway, that was that. Next day I message him and say, “so what did you want to say?”. Same thing he’s on Facebook and checking my snaps. I’m like for real bro? By this I was straight over it. I was texting him saying, “bro I’m all good I ain’t a second thought so we done”. As I go to send he messages saying, “hey sorry been sleeping all day. You’re a real cool chick but there’s so much distance between us and we wouldn’t be able to build a strong relationship”. I’m going to cut the shit here to save you all from the mind fuck of this all. He basically said there was no

spark but said there is something there.

He then said, actually nah I’m sorry I’m not feeling it. We continued to go back and forth. I even poured my fucking heart out at one stage to not even get a reply. That ain’t cool my bro. Respect me enough to be honest and fucking reply.

If you don’t know what to say, say that.

He could have nipped this straight away but no he had to drag it out. Even if you didn’t intentionally drag it out you did.

The moment you have to think about if you want to see someone you clearly don’t so don’t sit there saying “there’s something there”. Because clearly there ain’t. Number deleted, Facebook deleted, and Snapchat deleted so he’s wiped.

Conclusion for us all. We ain’t no entrée. We ain’t something that someone picks at to fill their appetite for a couple minutes. We the main fucking dish.

Don’t ever forget that either. Now for my time wasters. You can fuck with a queen but get this straight. You can bet your ass there are five other dudes wanting to take her out for dinner. Don’t walk around like your dick is golden.

We were just choosing you as the main dish, but we can easily put you in a doggy bag and throw you out because well, let’s be real, I always forget I even grab the doggy bag. After this I’ve decided to take a break from men in general.

To read more like this head to www. theunlonelywoman.com.

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COLUMN

Hey, hello there! I was once out and about doing my nightly 39km powerwalk when I saw something fucking dis-aaaaastrous! I saw that the 24 hour dairy was closed??? I was baffled to say the least, where was I going to grab my postwalk piece of fruit now (I usually get a banana)?

Without my fruit I won’t be able to get a good night sleep for class in the morning, as I’ll be up stressing all night due to the low levels of potassium in my immune system. What on earth should I do?

Perhaps you could try re-arranging your nightly routine? Try being in bed by 4.30pm to get enough sleep for class. Also move your powerwalk to the morning so you get a fresh start to the day.

By doing this you could have a lot more of a choice to refuel after your exercise too - GC

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Well fuck it has happened again. My naughty aunt Denice is coming up to visit me. This is all well and good, but she is addicted to meth and crack.

She is absolutely atrocious and needs help, but I don’t think I’m in a position to help her out as I have a severe case of the measles. I wish aunt Denice wasn’t coming to visit because I just know she is going to give me shit in front of my four friends. What can I do?

Well I guess you are in a bit of quite the pickle!

Don’t fear though I also have an aunt who is cracked out, so I know what it is like! All you must do is buy a wee bit of crack and strap it to your pet cat. When she comes around she’ll be cat chasing all the time and have no time to bully you! Easy fix, also you could try not to get the measles, such a shit thing to have, you’re fucked - BC

DISCLAIMER: While our Good Cop and Bad Cop have your best interests at heart when playing Agony Aunt, remember they are no experts. So, if you are after serious medical or legal advice, please consult a professional.

COLUMN

Google vs.

God Issue Five: don't stop believing In an ever-expanding global community of acceptance and knowledge, two opinions remain.

Left vs right. Agnostic vs Christian.

Science vs spirituality. But what happens when these opinions collide, and the two sides agree for once? Two students, both alike in career vision and identity, but from opposing upbringings and households, discuss a different topic each issue from both perspectives, ‘Google vs God’.

Profiles:

Google Female

Middle-class family

Studying Design at Massey Agnostic

God Female

Middle-class family

Studying Design at Massey Christian

have a spaced out day

google

god

Listen. I’ve never seen Star Wars, or E.T, or even Paul, and I thought Aliens vs Monsters was the classic cult film Alien for an embarrassingly long time. What can I say? I’m just not a huge fan of alien movies, sorry about it. However. What I am a fan of is a good old conspiracy theory (my personal favourite is that God is real) aka hard hitting proof that aliens are real, and they walk among us. Crop circles, Area 51, Justin Bieber being a lizard person… the list goes on, and I’ve found myself watching videos of the Bieb’s reptile eyes at 2am more often than I’m proud of. I mean, how many “10 UFO Sightings that will Blow your Mind” style articles do you have to read before the click-through slides convince you of the truth? Conspiracies and shitty slideshows aside, there’s just no way the universe is this big and doesn’t contain any life aside from us. To be honest, anyone who thinks otherwise is just a prime example of the human ego - so self-important that they think they’re the literal centre of the universe.

Hate to break it to you mate, but we’re slightly to the left and down a bit, sorry.

My only question regarding aliens now is where are they staying? Check out of your Air BnB/underground government bunker and come visit me please, I’d love to introduce you to my family.

My Grandma makes a mean lasagne.

Our God is a great big God, he reigns through implicit messages. Sometimes half the life of a Christian is reading through the lines – does that verse really say we are destined for an apocalypse?

One of the greatest mysteries is whether E.T, exists, and is Trump the only reason why he hasn’t visited us yet? My general understanding of aliens stems from Star Wars, so let’s hope for humanity’s sake that aliens are nothing like that... *pew pew*. ‘Foreigners’ are mentioned multiple times throughout the bible, and interpreters have made connections to extra-terrestrial beings and/or demons.

We will assume now it (hopefully) means aliens. Ezekiel 1:4 says, “I looked, and I saw ... an immense cloud of flashing lightning...The center of the fire looked like glowing metal”. That sounds very much like a Millennium Falcon landing on earth, if you ask me. Later, in verse 6 Ezekiel talks more about the creatures, “...but each of them had four faces and four wings”. If I ever saw anything with four heads descending to earth, I’d be gapping it and praying for my life – but is it a possibility that Ezekiel was warning us about our future? Whether you believe in the Bible or the ability of SpaceX, I think it’s inevitable that we will find something outside of our world. After all, God made us. Was he feeling creative after the seven days of our creation?

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Column

Lit Fam or Shit Scam?

Uber Eats Writer: Kasharn Rao

Oh hey, didn’t see you there. I was too busy telling lame jokes, putting off work, and feeling guilty for spending too much time in bed. Why is it that this is the busiest time of the year, yet we find ourselves at the pinnacle of procrastination? Your mornings get later, your duvet feels warmer, and you have about as much energy as Usain Bolt if Usain Bolt was in a wheelchair, in the middle of the desert, and also dead. All the little things like going to bed early, doing your washing, and cooking somewhat edible food is just boobloads harder.

That’s why we have apps I guess. To do shit for us when we’re too run down to do it ourselves.

Why walk when you can Uber? Why meet for coffee when you can send pixelated selfies accompanied by dry captions on Snapchat? Why buy groceries and cook when you can order from Uber Eats?

It sounds simple, but is it sustainable? Can we survive and flourish while relying on technological crutches on a daily basis?

Um, yes. Obviously.

Uber Eats. What madman came up with it? Who took an Uber and decided “yo what if it was this, but food?”

If you’re familiar with the taxi service, and the process of ingesting matter to provide heterotrophic organisms with energy and nutrients, then the name ‘Uber Eats’ probably speaks for itself. If you still can’t put two and two together, it’s a taxi for your food.

The app is deliciously simple. It connects you to

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restaurants in your vicinity (which stretches further than you’d expect), and offers you a menu. Pick a dish, pay a $6 delivery fee, and you’ve got a feed at your door in less than half an hour.

Now the reason I haven’t used Uber Eats before, is that I live literally two minutes from Countdown, Pizza Hutt, Maccas, Fish n Chips, Subway, and a nifty little noodle place, so the irony of paying an extra $6 for some Chicken McBites instead of actually going outside wasn’t lost on me. But upon browsing restaurants I was delighted to realise I could order from further than my hood, such as a burger from Leroy’s, Falafel from Pita Pit, and Chicken Waffles from Mama Browns (although you’d never catch me dead eating that monstrosity again. Great chicken, and spectacular waffles, but the combination is like trying to watch The Room while having sex. Both are great, but together it’s absolutely hideous. Especially when you get down to the last sad few pieces of coleslaw covered in syrup and you’re hating yourself because of all the stupid decisions that drunk you made tonight, and - I’m getting off topic, let’s move on).

Now I know what you’re thinking. Money. And yes, sometimes that extra $6 isn’t a dime you can spare.

And some restaurants seem to have a crippling fear of anything that’s not double digits. I’d agree that some days it’s cheaper just to sit at home eating a bowl of lööps, but think about how good it would be if you could order a woodfire pizza to arrive at your doorstep at 7.30pm tonight? Gives you a reason to

massive

trudge through your shitty assignments. My first Uber order was a burger from Leroy’s. My bank account had recovered from last issue, so like an exceptional dumbass I wasted it again, but this time on an experience I’ll never forget.

Was that too dramatic? I hope I’m not coercing you into reading further into my article through well placed cliffhangers. That would be a travesty.

My burger arrived on time, which was fantastic, as I had been obsessing over it for the last 30 minutes.

However, it didn’t quite make it to me first. When the app told me it had arrived, I had gone downstairs to fetch it, only to see the car heading away. I waved at it but no response. To make matters worse, my app updated to ‘Delivered,’ and I wondered if I had just become a member of the Stolen Uber Eats Special Victims Anonymous Group, or ‘SUESVAG.’ Just then, a fellow turned the corner, carrying a bag that smelled like it belonged to a starving skinny ginger student. I proceeded to chase this thief down the street where I eventually cornered him into a fistfight, trading blows until I triple backflipped over his head and shattered his spine with a roundhouse kick that would have sent Chuck Norris spiralling into clinical depression.

Just kidding. He noticed me standing there all hungry like and said “hey uh did you order from Uber Eats?”

Turns out the driver was one speedy boi and had ditched it with this dude thinking he was me, then bailed without bothering to double check. Luckily this

individual was an honest one, and I thanked him and offered him a chip. He declined, due to not being able to grab my ghost chips.

I headed back upstairs with my baby cradled safely in my arms, and later, cradled safely in my intestines.

The rest of my Uber Eats deliveries were smooth and hassle free. I had Sushi, Pizza, Asian, and Bankruptcy.

The splurge ended as quick as it had begun once I realised I could only afford to eat cardboard for the rest of the week.

Food is humankind’s best friend, and has always been there to help us gorge our stress away. As such we should treat it with respect, and the fact that food now has its own taxi service is a good start, but we need to go further. I’d like to see a future where food has equal opportunities to people, where food is just as likely to be considered for the position of CEO as Janet from Marketing, where food doesn’t have to hide its true nature to feel safe among its peers, where food is allowed to roam the streets without misplaced fear of the authorities. Only then, will I be considered full.

I rate Uber Eats 4/5 Broken Ice Cream Machines, therefore it’s Lit Fam.

Next Issue - The Bachelor (of Creative Media Production) 39

REVIEWS

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Movie Review Crazy Rich Asians (2018)

TV Show Review Fresh Meat (2011– 2016)

A mash up of the Hollywood rom-com and the Chinese soap opera, Crazy Rich Asians was a heart-warming watch.

Set mostly in Singapore, the film centres on the relationship of Nick Young (Henry Golding), heir of the impressively wealthy Young Family Corporation and “immigrant nobody” Rachel Chu (Constance Wu) from New York. It shows the glitzy glam of the wealthy Chinese in Singapore, and around the world, while testing the norms of the western perceptions of Asia. My favourite line of the film (no spoilers involved) was “think of all of the starving children in America.” That’s not something you hear that often. The film turned our expectations on their head and despite the glitzy wealth of the Young family, there was a reality to the film and the subject matter.

This is the first time I have seen an English language film with an entirely Asian cast. It was awesome. Spectacularly acted, with amazing scenery from the depths of the island of Singapore, a film that brings back my desire to watch rom coms. Even my dad enjoyed it! Crazy Rich Asians is definitely worth a watch, even just to see something new and refreshing on the scene. – Emma Rzepecky

I was a little late to the party on this show – but I wouldn’t have appreciated the beauty of it before I came to university.

I stumbled across Fresh Meat after acquiring a crush on Jack Whitehall (thanks Netflix). It is a British TV show about some ruffian first year university students who didn’t get into the residential halls so have to flat together. It brings together some brilliant characters – Vod (Zawe Ashton) the stuffed up druggie, Howard (Greg McHugh) the LAN party geek, Josie (Kimberley Nixon) the goody-two-shoes (at first), Oregon (Charlotte Ritchie) the actual good girl who wants to be bad, Kingsley (Joe Thomas) the hopeless romantic and JP (Jack Whitehall) the rich wanker.

It is probably the best ensemble TV cast I have ever had the pleasure to piss my pants laughing while watching. I binge watched all four seasons in about two weeks, so that says something.

Especially relatable after going through three varying flatting arrangements throughout university – I think I have met most of these characters in some form (whether my flatmates or other peoples’ flatmates – or myself). A great watch! I recommend a marathon weekend with your flatmates and a bunch of junk food. It’ll be fun to see who squirms at the not so fictional events that happen in Fresh Meat.

– Emma Rzepecky

COLUMN

Booked In: Chapter Eleven The Secret Life of Bees

The hardest kind of book to talk about, I think, is one that you liked but didn’t necessarily love. A book that can’t really be faulted for anything in particular, but nor can you come up with a list of things that make it amazing. That’s what Sue Monk Kidd’s The Secret Life of Bees is to me. A wellwritten, well-paced, well-constructed novel. Yep. That’s about it. Review over.

Obviously, that was a joke, just not a very funny one. I’m doing my best, okay? The Secret Life of Bees, set in 1964 South Carolina, tells the story of 14-year-old Lily Owens. Since her mother was killed ten years prior, Lily has lived with her abusive father, T. Ray, and their black maid, Rosaleen, who is a surrogate mother to Lily. After an incident involving a handful of racist assholes, Lily and Rosaleen escape to Tiburon, South Carolina, where they find refuge in a pink house inhabited by three black beekeeping sisters, August, June, and May. The first thing you’ll notice when you turn to chapter one of The Secret Life of Bees is a little bee fact above the chapter heading, a trend which persists throughout the book. I’m a little ambivalent about chapterheading quotes, usually, but bees are seriously fascinating, and the facts are thematically appropriate, so I thought they were a nice touch. As well as evidence that Kidd has done her research.

The second thing you’ll notice, when you start reading chapter one, is that that Kidd’s writing is beautiful.

Imagistic and flowing, controlled and subtle, I think my favourite thing about this novel is how incredibly readable it is. There were no instances where I felt the wording or syntax could have been better, or that it would have benefited from tighter editing— and I’m, like, super picky about these things. It’s a grammar Nazi’s book.

The Secret Life of Bees is an emotional, personal tale in which plot takes a back seat to story. The characters are fleshed out and three-dimensional, and Lily’s teenaged perspective is convincing and compelling. Kidd’s is a highly sophisticated story of becoming and unbecoming; growing up and moving on; learning and bettering. Of living, even when you’re not certain what to live for. Maybe it’s a little cheesy at times, but it’s heartfelt. Religion—or at least spirituality—play a big role, and maybe that’s why The Secret Life of Bees didn’t resonate with me as deeply as it could have. Even so, it’s an enjoyable, easy-to-read book, and I can see why people love it so much.

- Peri Miller.

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COLUMN

Music Review Highasakite Camp Echo

There is a lot of talent coming out of Scandinavian countries. Sigrid, Tove Styrke and Aurora to name a few, but it seems that people aren’t aware of the band Highasakite from Norway.

Highasakite has made a pretty clever choice on their 2016 album Camp Echo (Deluxe Edition).

The album has two completely different styles.

Most of the album is laced with powerful and catchy synth-pop songs and then there are some truly beautiful, melancholic acoustic tracks driven mostly by piano. The tracks Golden Ticket and Samurai Swords both have an electronic version and an acoustic version placed on there, and they both sound completely different to each other. If I’m in a mood to feel sad or relaxed I can listen to the acoustic version, and if I’m feeling dancey I listen to the electronic one. It’s like a sound track to different emotions that we feel, and it caters to more than one music taste.

The album, as said by vocalist Ingrid, is about the ‘war’ that is going on in the world right now, literally and politically, so the album is quite dark and moody. Ingrid’s beautiful and distinctive voice is like a safe haven within the heavy songs; a light at the end of the tunnel. Her vocals will soar angelically and gently in the softer songs and then belt powerfully into the electronic ones. An example of this and a must to listen to is Samurai Swords, both electronically and acoustically.

Definitely give this band a listen!

  NZ HERALD

PH: 385 3337 42

FLICKS

S T R AY

O PE N S 4 O CT

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FROM THE

PREZ

Hey Everyone,

I hope you all had a good mid semester break to catch your breath before we roll into exam time! With only six weeks of classes left it’s important to look after yourselves. This is the time of year where the stress can really get to you.

At ASA we are all about looking out for students, so keep your eyes peeled over the next few weeks to look out for all the sick de-stress events coming your way.

We also know that students love a good

evening event, so we also have some comedy magic coming your way very soon, so watch this space!

It’s also time to think about all those lecturers that made your year worthwhile. LOTY is the way to let them know they did a good job and that all those naps in lecturers weren’t because of them! We have so many categories to nominate them for, so either head to our website to vote or catch up with the ASA team on a Wednesday lunch time around campus.

COOL BEANS

Smokey Pulled Pork with Lydia Hill

Ingredients: 1 pork shoulder roast (or hock, but there will be less meat) 1 large onion, finely chopped 2 garlic cloves, crushed 1 tbsp olive oil 1 cup barbecue sauce (I recommend a smokey style) ½ cup apple cider vinegar

½ cup chicken stock ¼ cup brown sugar 1 tbsp mustard 1 tbsp Worcestershire sauce (soy sauce also works) 1 tbsp chilli powder 1 ½ tsp dried thyme Buns

It’s also been great to start working with our new 2019 ASA executive team! They are picking up the ropes fast and are already thinking about how they want to jump into 2019 making students’ lives better around campus. If you have any ideas on how, be sure to let them know!

As always look after yourselves and thanks for reading my yarns, Cheers,

Jason

Nothing beats the combination of a crispy bun and slowcooked, incredibly tender pork, marinated in a sauce that tastes like a summer barbecue – without the summer barbecue. Although this recipe takes time, it is 100 per cent worth it.

Directions: Begin by coating the bottom of the slow cooker with oil and place the pork roast on top. Pour in barbecue sauce, apple cider vinegar, and chicken stock. Stir in brown sugar, mustard, chilli powder and thyme. Cover and slow cook for about five to six hours or until the meat shreds easily. Once cooked, remove the pork from the pot and shred with a fork on a large plate (or baking sheet). Once fully shredded, place the meat back into the pot and mix it in with the sauce. Serve on toasted buns, and optional greens or slaw. Enjoy!

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Puzzles

MASSIVE QUIZ

Let’s test out your Harry Potter knowledge, 10 points to your house for a 100% result.

1. What is the average number of sexual partners for women?

2. What is the average number of sexual partners for men?

3. What percentage of women can orgasm through sex alone?

4. How many nerve endings does the head of a penis have?

5. When does the clitoris stop growing?

6. There is more than one type of orgasm? True or false?

7. How old is the oldest dildo in the world?

10,000, 20,000 or 28,000 years old?

8. What was given out to celebrate the birthday of King Bjumbal in Thailand in 1983?

9. What is a stags Testicle called?

10. What percentage of people like dirty talk during sex?

Can you SUDOKU? Back at you again with the Sudoku’s. If you’ve been keeping up with us throughout the year, you’ll be a genius by now. Ego successfully boosted. *Imagine cheerleaders celebrating every number input*

*Imagine your friends and family looking on in pride*

1. 7.5, 2. 7, 3. 25 per cent, 4. 4000, 5. Never, 6. True, 7.

28,000 years old, 8. Free vasectomies, 9. Doucet, 10. 58 per cent.

GUESS? WHO

Guess who answer: Ryan Gosling

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HOT OR NOT?

HOT: Meryl Streep

HOT: Mission Impossible 6

HOT: Indoor Plants

HOT: Champion Hoodies

NOT: Uber Eats’ ‘busy period’ surcharge

NOT: Mac Miller’s death. RIP

NOT: Flower vase hair NOT: Gluten intolerance

humour

Horoscoping you out.

Spoiler alert! I looked a little too hard into your futures this week so read to find out what you will be doing with your life in 10 years’ time…

Aquarius Jan 21 – Feb 19

Gemini May 22 – Jun 21

Libra Sep 24 – Oct 23

You are well on your way to becoming the next Minister of Justice. You live in a restored lighthouse with your spouse who is a spatial designer and together you have three pet stoats that you have raised from birth. In your spare time you brew ginger beer and lead mindfulness walks along the coast.

You are a successful solicitor at a Swedish law firm in Stockholm and live in a houseboat. In the evenings you watch silent films with your Swedish boo and try to learn another language – this month it’s Portuguese.

You discovered a new species of beetle in your Thai hostel on your big OE and have been travelling ever since, living off the reward money. You have a small pet chicken that travels with you called Vanessa and together you have been to over 50 countries. You committed felonies in 27 of those countries.

Pisces Feb 20 – Mar 20

Cancer Jun 22 – Jul 23

You are a romantic novelist trying hard to have your best-selling book “The F*ckboy Who Loved Me” turned into a New Zealand style telenovela. You are in a polyamorous throuple and together you all rent a beautiful villa in Ponsonby. Tomorrow you’re having the garden measured out for a pool.

You are currently touring Europe with your band ‘The Tenancy Tribunal’ that you formed with your flatmates when you were a bored yo-pro. Things are going really well except that you suspect two of the members are secretly in talks with another record company about going solo. You got a tattoo of a waffle on your ankle last weekend and it’s really starting to itch.

You are a real estate agent in Melbourne, currently living out of your car because you have been evicted from your flat after setting the kitchen on fire trying to make fajitas. You secretly want to be a personal trainer and have auditioned annually for Love Island for the past five years.

Leo Jul 24 – Aug 23

Sagittarius Nov 23 – Dec 22

You never left uni and are now a senior lecturer with numerous articles published in academic journals and three books in the works. You are still dating your squeeze from second year and are hoping to pop the question on their birthday this month.

You’re a performance artist and activist living in a tiny home you and your partner build yourselves from recycled materials. You are building a second tiny house for your baby that is on the way. To bring in extra income you teach life drawing classes at the local community centre.

Virgo Aug 24 – Sep 23

Capricorn Dec 23 – Jan 20

You’re a hairdresser at a small salon with dreams of starting your own, but you lost a finger two years ago in a freak scissor accident and it’s rocked your confidence. Your mum is living with you while she renovates her house and looks after your three boys while you’re at work.

You are a playground designer with a growing portfolio. You’ve designed for the Arderns (who now have three children), the White House and next will be a remodelling of the iconic Ohakune carrot park which was destroyed in 2025 by a rogue tractor.

You live in a replica version of the carrot with your cockatoo and your younger siblings.

Aries Mar 21 – Apr 20 Ever since Daniel Corbett resigned as the One News weather presenter in 2020 you have had your eye on the position and tomorrow you finally have an interview! You are still living at your parent’s house that you moved back into after uni but this could be your big break. On weekends you sell homemade sourdough at the market and flirt with the cheese vender at the stall beside yours.

Taurus Apr 21 – May 21 After graduation you realised you have no interest in living in today’s capitalist society and up and left your life to start an eco-village in a remote part of Northland. Today you have around 20 others living in your community and run a successful hemp oil business. You have a pet possum called Malcolm that you found at the bottom of your composting toilet one summer’s night. .

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Scorpio Oct 24 – Nov 23

MASSEY GUIDES

STUDENTS HELPING STUDENTS RECRUITING NOW FOR 2019 Build on your university experience & add to your CV Develop your professional skills Discover new opportunities Connect, network, get involved

APPLY ONLINE: massey.ac.nz/masseyguides