Massive Magazine Albany Issue 05 2018

Est. 2012

Albany | May 2018 | 04

Massive takes on Gunge

Unpopular Opinion: Dancing with the Stars • Interview: Jerome Chandrahasen Science students’ voices are heard, but still a long way to go 1

RE FEATUCover Image: Luca Rosseels

Editorial Hey everyone, I hope you enjoy Issue 05 of Massive Magazine. The year is flying by!

It has been an awesome fortnight here in the Massive Magazine office, mainly because we have had the opportunity to relive our childhood dreams and gunge a Massey student.

The idea started when Suzy Cato blasted onto our screens for Dancing with the Stars New Zealand. It made us here at the Massive office begin to relive our childhood. As we fell further and further down the rabbit hole, we eventually landed at gunge. Who didn’t want to be gunged when they were a child? And we certainly felt like children here, spending the day making gunge and eventually gunging the Massey at Wellington Students’ Association President Emma Pearce.

Anyone who would like to see how the gunging went down can head over to our new website, www.massivemagazine.org.nz and check out the video. While you are there make sure to browse through and look at some of our other great content.

And remember, if there is anything you would like to see on the pages of Massive or if you have any feedback good or bad, email editor@mawsa.org.nz Nikki

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Features

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Science students’ voices heard Artist Feature: Anna Kathleen Unqualified guide to flat hunting Massive takes on gunge Unpopular Opinion: DWTS Interview: Jerome Chandrahasen Imposter Syndrome Where I’m at

Column

Humour

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Good Cop, Bad Cop

09 10 35 30 38 41 43

Pinch of Politics On the Line Unlonely woman Shower Thoughts Lit Fam or Shit Scam Booked in Cool Beans

Managing Editor: Nikki Papatsoumas editor@mawsa.org.nz

Media Manager: Sarah Grant-Wang 04 9793763 ext. 63763

Design/Layout: Aria Tongs massive@mawsa.org.nz

Albany Reporter: Tim Wilson albanyreporter@mawsa.org.nz

Assistant Designer: Luca Rosseels assistantdesigner@mawsa.org.nz

Regulars 06 44 45

Contributors: Lydia Hill Kasharn Rao Emma Rzepecky Peri Miller Zoe Jennings Leilani Baker Liam Hopkinson Melissa Ng Jack Mayo Kezia Thompson

Local News Puzzles Hot or Not

Victoria Bergin Kallum Murray Todd Murray Chantelle de Bore Marie Larking Tim Kendrew

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ASA hosts its own music night gig

Students pinched at the pump

Tim Wilson albanyreporter@mawsa.org.nz

Tim Wilson albanyreporter@mawsa.org.nz

Half Moon Baby will be headlining the Massey Music night.

The Albany Students’ Association (ASA) is hosting a free music gig for students this Friday.

Half Moon Baby will headline the gig, which will be held from 7.30pm this Friday, May 18 at Fergusson Bar on campus.

ASA President Jason Woodroofe says the event comes as part of the association’s commitment to provide quality entertainment for students on campus.

“We’ve created Massey Music night in response to student’s feedback at our Special General Meeting held last month,” he¯ says.

“Students feel there is a very specific music scene associated with the usual night out at Fergs on Thursdays, so we wanted to branch out from this and try something new.

“This gig is about exposing students to wider music tastes and providing some exposure to some sick up and coming kiwi artists, some of who also happen to be your fellow Massey students.

Woodroofe says the gig is free and the association hopes to see students along to enjoy the atmosphere.

We have a range of epic sounds lined up, from funk to punk and everything in between. It’s completely free and is meant to cater to some of the other musical tastes on campus.”

Massey Albany students are among those to express concern regarding a new fuel tax which would see the price of petrol increase.

Earlier this month, the Auckland Council announced plans to implement a new fuel tax, which would see road users pay 11.5 cents more per litre of petrol.

The Regional Fuel Tax (RFT) will help fund several transport infrastructure projects including road safety improvements, a light rail network and improved bus services.

The council is now calling on Aucklanders to have their say and make submissions on the proposed tax before a final decision is made later this year.

Students are amongst those to express frustration over the proposed tax, saying the costs to them outweigh the benefits.

Masters student Nicki Trueman says, “it is definitely not my cuppa tea”.

“The thing that peeves me off the most is that Labour said they weren’t going to introduce any increases in fuel taxes, but here we go. And why just in Auckland, I mean, come on.”

Communications major Charley England says living rurally he uses a lot of gas.

“It’s my biggest cost other than rent. Any price increase in petrol is going to hit my pockets hard,” says England.

Auckland Mayor Phil Goff told Massive Magazine that to raise the equivalent amount of money they would be looking at a rate increase of 13 to 14 per cent.

“At 10 cents a litre plus GST charge on fuel is fairer with payments better related to how much we use our transport system,” Goff says.

Albany Students’ Association President Jason Woodroofe says action needs to be taken towards revamping Auckland’s transport system and this is a good first step.

“I know many students plan out how much fuel to put in their car each week and this will stretch already tight budgets.

“Students should take the opportunity to have their voices heard on the proposal before it is finalised.

“Consultation is open until May 14, so make sure to have your say,” he says.

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A poverty-free New Zealand

Consider a second-hand wardrobe this winter

Tim Wilson albanyreporter@mawsa.org.nz

Nikki Papatsoumas

The Massey Social Innovation Club held their first seminar of the year earlier this month which featured two very special guest speakers.

The topic of the seminar ‘A Poverty-Free New Zealand’ was delivered to a packed Wonder Room on the Albany campus.

The club invited two guest speakers, Sophie Spencer from Auckland City Mission and Sera Jeong from the Spark Foundation, to share their experiences in the social movement sector.

Spencer, a crisis care worker at Auckland City Mission, spoke about using innovation to more effectively assist people in need.

“We are currently working on innovating our food distribution system in an effort to better fit the needs of those using our service,” says Spencer.

Spark foundations Sera Jeong, shared her experience of working for the foundation and engaging with struggling communities.

“Spark Foundation has created the Spark Jump plan, a lowcost prepay plan to help keep those households on tight budgets connected to the internet.

“We understand that a lot of learning is now done online. It is essential that students can access the internet to avoid being left behind,” says Jeong.

The Social Innovation Club president Jesse Roberts says it was great to see so many like-minded students gather together.

“The purpose of the club is to bring students together, to work on creating innovative solutions to issues currently challenging society,” says Roberts.

“We will be holding more seminars throughout the year. Students can keep up-to-date by following our Facebook page,” he says.

Anyone looking for a new wardrobe this winter needn’t look any further than right outside their lecture theatre.

The Environmental Group which is part of the Tū Tira Mai: Practising Engagement paper is organising a clothes swap, which will take place on Wednesday, May 16 at the Plaza on the Albany campus.

As part of the swap, students choose to either donate their preloved clothes and take second-hand items in exchange, donate clothes or just pick up some new items.

Student Georgia Dabrowski is one of five students who has organised the clothes swap.

She says the group hopes to encourage students to consider second-hand clothing to lessen the impact of the fashion industry on the environment.

“It is important to consider second hand and recycled clothing as opposed to brand new clothes due to the excessive amount of resources used and the amount of textile waste produced for producing new items of clothes,” she says.

“Through sourcing second-hand items instead of brand new no new resources are being exploited and as a result there are lesser amounts of clothing waste.”

She says students can get involved by bringing along any clothing items that are still in good condition that they no longer wear to exchange them for other second-hand items.

“Students are also able to donate clothes without taking any in return as well as taking some second-hand clothing without donating.”

Dabrowski says a labelled collection bin can be found at the Albany Students’ Association for any prior donations.

The clothes swap will take place at The Plaza on Wednesday, May 16 from midday to 2pm.

Q. Should we celebrate Anzac Day?

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Louise

Kaycee

“We should be able to we choose to, but it shouldn’t be mandatory. We should definitely have a holiday, it’s an important part of New Zealand society.”

“I think it should be recognised but not glorified. It should be more of a commemorative day, rather than just an excuse to drink booze.

“Yes. I think the sacrifice that the soldiers made absolutely deserves to be acknowledged.”

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Flatting packs a welcome perk for students Bethany Reitsma manawatureporter@mawsa.org.nz

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MUSA has organised flatting packs for over 200 students in Palmerston North.

Students at more than 200 flats across Palmerston North are the lucky recipients of a new care package.

Massey University Students’ Association (MUSA) Welfare Officer Ngahuia Kirton recently organised a flatting pack drive, putting together and delivering around 200 packs to various student flats in Palmerston North.

The packs included tenancy booklets, pens, bottle openers, recycling pamphlets, and magnets.

Kirton says former Welfare Officer and now President of MUSA Ben Schmidt came up with the idea for handing out flatting packs to students last year.

“The ball didn’t really start rolling until now,” says Kirton.

Kirton says the project was carried out in conjunction with the Manawatū Tenants’ Union.

“We collaborated with the Palmerston North City Council, the police, fire services, and neighbourhood support as well,” says Kirton.

Police and fire services donated pamphlets with contact details and info on how to deal with emergencies. The council donated 200 rubbish bags.

“B2B Bakery donated 200 10 per cent off vouchers, which was awesome,” says Kirton.

The flatting packs were distributed throughout several streets near the CBD that are home to many student flats, including Ada St, Morris St and Ranfurly St. Each pack was hand delivered by a member of MUSA paired with someone from the council, the fire department or other community services.

“It took about two hours to deliver them,” says Kirton.

“Most people were pretty happy to receive them. We ended up giving some out to tenants who weren’t actually students, but they loved it especially since they’re the ones who have to live next door to these student flats.”

She hopes the flatting packs become an annual drive.

“I’d like to see it happen every year ideally, and get more businesses and sponsors involved.”

Handing out flatting packs gives students a nice perk especially as winter approaches.

“Once Orientation Week hype dies down it’s nice to have something like this happening,” says Kirton.

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Intern supply low for Massey’s Business School Caroline Williams

Two intern positions are available at Massey Business School, but is finding a lack of interest.

Massey University Manawatū has an abundance of employers willing to take on interns, but a lack of student interest means positions are going vacant.

Massey University Business School currently offers two internship courses and one of the classes has 34 students, making it the biggest class in the course’s nine-year history.

Nicola Stone, Internship and Employer Liaison Coordinator, is involved with pairing business students with internships that match their interests.

Internships are unpaid, but industry knowledge and experience that students receive is invaluable, she says.

Stone says that most employers look for industry experience on CV’s and the applicants who have taken internships are the ones who get the jobs.

At the beginning of every year the Massey Business School invites first year business school students to the Ignite¯ Programme, a half-day event designed to help students connect with peers, academic staff and local enterprise.

At the end of the programme, the majority of participants seem excited at the prospect of interning. However, when they are contacted by event organisers at the end of their second year, most say that interning seems like ‘too much hard work’, she says.

“Academic advisors try to accommodate for student needs, but many aren’t willing to meet them halfway.”

Students are encouraged to express their interest well in advance of the semester starting.

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“Sometimes students contact us [about semester one internships] at the beginning of the year and by then it’s usually too late. We have either filled the spots or told the employers that we don’t have any interns for them.”

While students in other cities, such as Auckland, can struggle to find intern hosts, Manawatū students are fortunate as there are plenty of local businesses wanting to take on interns.

Toyota New Zealand, Manfeild, DKSH, CB Norwood, Computer Care, PNCC, Horizons Regional Council, Manawatū Standard, Property Brokers, CEDA, InspireNet, Craigs Investment Partners, Arohanui Hospice and MASH Trust are only some of the businesses willing to take on interns.

Dr Susan Fountaine, who coordinates the communication internship, says that although there is a formal B- GPA required for students to be accepted into the internship courses, it shouldn’t act as a barrier.

“We are absolutely prepared to look beyond grades because there may be a reasonable explanation, or the student might otherwise be the perfect candidate for an internship.”

The Massey Business School wants to have 100 students interning in the Manawatū in 2019. Last year only two students were turned away.

Students receive plenty of support from Massey staff in weekly lectures or from academic supervisors.

“We encourage interaction amongst intern students. We have a private Facebook group which is a space where interns can bounce ideas off of each other,” Stone says.

COLUMN

Join Massive’s Natasha Tziakis as she dissects New Zealand politics and offers her sharp and savvy opinion in this fortnightly column.

Winston Peters has been a staple for the 6pm news for as long as I can remember, which makes sense as he was first elected into parliament in 1978. This increasingly greying and frowning man is sort of the uncle that everyone clashes with ideologically at the annual family dinner - but you know the dinner would not be the same without him.

Peters, sometime in June, will take the position of Acting Prime Minister in place of Jacinda Ardern as she will be giving birth to her first child and taking six weeks of maternity leave before returning to her position as Prime Minister.

This is not a new role to Peters as he was the Deputy Prime Minster from 1996 – 1998 under the National Party, led by Jim Bolger. In 1997, Jenny Shipley gained support from the rest of the National Party, forcing Bolger to resign and becoming the Prime Minister herself. She then sacked Peters due to conflicts within the party in August 1998.

It’s quite easy to assume that he will run with the power that the position brings, but he genuinely can’t. Ardern and the Cabinet still hold so much control as to what and when things get passed. I also do not believe that

Peters will rock the boat that much. He is arriving at the end of his career, so I don’t think he would want to tarnish his newly found reputation as a left-wing ally.

Peters has faced public mistrust before, most of which had legitimate reasoning behind it, but this will be the first time that he will be in a major leading position for a left-wing party.

Although Labour’s coalition with New Zealand First do bring them more into of a political centre than they would have been if it were just Labour and the Green’s. Regardless, this is still new territory for him, which further backs up the thinking that no rash thing will come to pass as the cost of it messing up is too high.

What will be the most interesting is what Peters will do with the power he now has over the media. In the past, Peters has refused to speak to a majority of the press, aside from his few favourites. If Peters chooses to restrict media involvement, it will be a sharp change from what we are currently used to with Ardern, an absolute superstar when it comes to multiple interviews and television appearances.

There is a growing fear hanging in the air about what Peters will do in his position of acting Prime Minister, but at the moment it seems better to leave any speculation and just wait out and see what he decides to do within the shortterm role.

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ON THE LINE Writer: Leilani Baker This fortnightly column stays true to its name by discussing all things sports including controversies on and off the field. Whether you enjoy a casual brew whilst watching the rugby, or your inner demon emerges when the football comes on, this column is dedicated to you, the sport-lovers of Massey.

Get your Shift together Volunteers from Massey’s School of Design helped with the branding of the organisation, now Shift is changing the lives of young Kiwi women through sport.

Studies have found that by year 13, 47 per cent of young girls have spent no time in organised sport. Think about it ladies, did you play organised sport in high school? Do you still play an organised sport now? My bet is that most of you reading this answered no to at least one of those questions.

Fran McEwan discovered a growing trend of inactive young women in New Zealand and decided to do something about it by founding Shift.

Shift is a Wellington-based, charitable trust that aims to improve the wellbeing of women aged 12 to 20 through physical activity. They host affordable events throughout the year, including boxing, rock climbing, yoga, and kayaking.

But Shift aren’t only about the physical stuff they also have programmes called

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‘Just Shift it’, ‘EmpowHER’ and ‘LeadHERship’ which include inspiring talks and workshops. These are designed to teach young women about well-being and entrepreneurship.

Student Celia Painter regularly attends these events.

“Shift has helped me feel more at home in my own community,” she says. “I have made long-lasting friendships which have had an incredibly positive impact on my life.”

University is a particularly stressful timeboth on your mind and your body. Most of us suffer from ‘fresher five’ in our first year of studies which decreases selfconfidence and mental well-being.

Shift coordinator Chloe Bryan says the school to uni transition is a time of opportunity and change, but it can be easy to lose sight of what makes you happy and healthy.

Most young women will get a gym membership which is fantastic- but if you work out with headphones in and don’t interact with people it can be a

little isolating. Shift focuses on that social aspect.

“That becomes the foundation for every event in the whole programme- It’s the little stuff like knowing somebody’s name, asking about their day, & being genuinely interested,” a Shift Staff member says.

Attending Shift events is a way to engage with other wāhine going through similar things. The best part is there is no ongoing commitment. So, you can pick and choose what events you attend, and don’t need to feel bad if study takes over for a while.

Shift currently has groups running in Lower Hutt, Upper Hutt, Porirua, Kapiti, and Wellington City. However, they do hope to expand to other communities throughout New Zealand.

You don’t have to be a sporting guru to know that physical activity improves your mental well-being, but so many young women push their well-being to the side.

Make the shift this year by putting your mental and physical health first.

feature

Want to join the Shifterhood?

If you’re 20 or under head to www. shiftnz.org/jointheshifterhood for more information.

Volunteer: If you don’t fit into that category there are still ways of joining the Shifterhood.

Shift is always looking for volunteers.

To get involved contact Chloe, the Shift National Manager at chloe@shiftnz.org, and let her know what areas you would be interested to help with.

Pass or play: With winter upon give Snowboarding a go and “shred some pow pow”. Whether it’s recreational or competitive, snowboarding is one epic sport. Originally inspired by skateboarding and surfing, it requires

some major leg strength and a fair bit of coordination. If you don’t mind having your feet strapped onto a single board, and you can tackle a couple of gnarley bails- you will love it!

Never tried it? Massey have numerous clubs which have discounted ski trips: Wellington: MORC (Massey Outdoor Recreation Club) Albany: MUASC (Massey University Albany Snow Club) Manawatū: Surf, Snow, and Skate (Massey Surf Club) or Massey Alpine Club.

Head to clubs@massey for more information.

Ponder that: Kite flying is a professional sport in Thailand.

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Science students’ voices heard but still a long way to go Writers: Bethany Reitsma and Tim Wilson

Engineering, food tech and computer science degrees will all continue to be offered on both the Manawatū and Albany campuses despite a proposal to relocate courses earlier this year.

The Computer Science major was also at risk from being dropped from the Manawatū campus, but according to the document it will continue to be offered to students in Palmerston North.

This is thanks to a dedicated bunch of students putting in the hard yards to resist proposed changes made by the College of Science.

As well as this a Microbiology major will no longer be merged with Genetics and Biochemistry as was proposed, remaining a stand-alone major.

Earlier this year, Massey proposed some major changes to its College of Science programs which would potentially come into effect by 2020. These included cutting the Bachelor of Engineering degree from the Albany campus.

Massey University Students Association President Ben Schmidt says students stood up to make their voices heard and the college listened.

The school also proposed changes to some Bachelor of Science majors, such as combining Earth Science and Geography majors and packing Genetics, Microbiology and Biochemistry majors into one.

However, after receiving over 150 written submissions from students, as well as 18 letters from alumni and industry stakeholders, the college produced an updated Strategic Positioning document.

The College of Sciences Strategic Plan 2018-2022 was released late last month to staff and students, outlining changes to course across the College of Science.

According to the document, a proposal to cut the Engineering and Food Technology degrees from Albany was overturned. They will now be offered on both the Manawatū and Albany campuses.

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“Students writing submissions and petitions, attending forums, and asking the hard questions is what got us these wins,” says Schmidt.

Some changes will still take place.

Genetics and Biochemistry majors will still be combined under a Molecular and Cellular Biology major.

A previous proposal to combine the Physical Geography and Earth Science Majors into a Geoscience major is also going ahead, which Schmidt says is disappointing.

“There is still a long way to go. Our Earth Science students are facing a merged major, and we are highly concerned by the continuing direction of cutting staff to reduce costs,” says Schmidt.

He says that students value their staff and a personal education and it’s one of Massey’s greatest assets.

“It’s a strong start. But we call on the college to

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continue strong student consultation, to listen to our students still facing significant change, and to push back against the movement towards cutting a personal education for students to reduce costs.”

President of the Albany Massey Engineering Students Society Cade Wishart says while the college has listened to student concerns he is disappointed with the communication from the university.

“The original document that had everyone concerned was released during the holidays, a completely inappropriate time to be letting students know about these potential major changes to our courses.

“With the release of the latest document stating that planned changes are no longer going ahead, it really feels like it was a whole lot of unnecessary stress for all the students involved,” says Wishart.

Albany Students’ Association president Jason Woodroofe says he is stoked that the Engineering, Food Technology and Computer Science courses will remain at both Albany and Palmerston North.

“This result clearly shows that students can get the outcome they want when they’re prepared to take a stand,” Woodroofe says.

“There looks to be many opportunities arising within the College of Sciences for students who wish to take a more active role in their education.”

The office of the Pro Vice Chancellor of the College of Science, Ray Geor, tells Massive Magazine there will be further consultation with students moving forward.

“The final strategy has a number of work streams within it and thus there will be a number of opportunities for further consultation within these work streams which will engage relevant stakeholders at the appropriate times.

“Student involvement will be key on a number of these initiatives, particularly those around curriculum, and Ray looks forward to working with the Student Union Presidents further to ensure the appropriate mechanisms are in place for this to happen.”

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Artist Feature: Anna Kathleen

What did you study at Massey?

I studied illustration under a Visual Communications Design Degree How would you describe your designs?

My designs are often beautiful feminine characters that carry a sense of innocence and have a Japanese/ manga influence.

What inspires you?

Other artists and illustrators work and ideas, like the amazing female portraiture of Audrey Kawasaki or Chilean artist Crisalys, her illustrations are very sweet and unique. I'm also inspired by music, moods, Japanese culture, childhood nostalgia, cartoons and magic.

What career did you want when you were younger?

To be Sailor Moon.

What is something people would be surprised to know about you?

I met my boyfriend at one of his exhibitions - but I was really only there for the free beer.

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procrastinate and educate

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FEATURE

Unqualified Guide to Flat Hunting Writer: Kezia Thompson Illustration: Luca Rosseels

You might be reading this and thinking, “It’s May - surely no one is still flat hunting?”

Well, kind reader, you would be incorrect. Many people are still on the grind and have been since January with no luck, thanks to a classic, “too many people, not enough rentals” situation that has plagued Wellington and other centres since last year.

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Or maybe you’re from Wellington and looking to fly the nest for the first time - or, in my case, the third time because I keep having to move back home after breaking up with a partner I live with (is this #relatable? I hope so). Or it could be that you’re already in a flat but you’ve decided you can’t hack it in a mouldy hole anymore or perhaps your flatmates have revealed themselves to be awful racists or simply inconsiderate slobs. Either way, you’re looking for some new digs like me and need a bit of help. I’m perhaps not the most qualified (I’ve only just landed myself a flat after months of searching) and I’m only offering my limited knowledge in finding an established flat (finding a new house with a group of mates is a whole other story) but take these tips with you and hopefully, young caterpillar, you will be able to wriggle your way into your ideal flat!

Narrow down your search Before you do anything, think about what it is that you’re looking for. What suburbs are you open to living in? How much can you pay for rent? Do you want a new flat family or are you a homebody that just wants to reside with people who will leave you alone? We all have different living expectations and it’s totally cool to know who you are and what you want from a flat.

If you’ve never been flatting before, don’t sweat it. We all start somewhere. Have a chat to some older mates, family members, (or even me if you want) and get some advice from seasoned flatters about what to look for in a flat. We’re all different but here are some of my main requirements for a flat: relatively warm and sunny, not about to turn into a mushroom from mould overload, cool and social people who are down to hang out, somewhere cheap/free to park my car, and a room that can at least fit my bed and have floor space for activities. Anything else is just a bonus or something I can compromise on, so you should have a little list like that too for absolute must-haves in a flat. If you’ve already been around the block with flatting, then learn from what worked for you and what didn’t in the past.

Soon you’ll come up with a big picture in your head of the kind of place you want to live in!

Start the hunt on Facebook Your first port of call for flat hunting in Wellington is Facebook. Sure, TradeMe is good too, but it can be pretty annoying to browse on a phone, plus Facebook is a great way to vet if you have any mutual friends with the person looking for a flatmate. Public groups like Vic Deals and Flatmates Wanted are two of the best resources for finding a potential flat. Vic Deals boasts

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around 107,000 group members, which means you have a wide pool of people in one spot - but it is also not exclusively a flatmate/flat hunting group, so you’ll really need to utilise the search bar with keywords.

Flatmates Wanted, on the other hand, is a smaller group but is just for people looking for a flatmate or a flat. This is where I personally have had the most luck in my past flat hunting endeavours. When you find a flat you love, click the little dots in the top right corner and SAVE the post! This will help you keep track of all the places you’re interested in and when it comes to viewing the flat, you won’t be fumbling around trying to locate screenshots or, worse, have no information at all to go off.

Dazzle your potential future flatmates So, you’ve found a flat you love, either on Facebook or TradeMe, and you’re ready to send a message, a text, an email, a letter via carrier pigeon, whatever!

Keep in mind that this person could have received ten messages today already about their flat listing. Sending a generic, “hey I’m interested in a viewing for the flat you posted” won’t do you any favours - and why would someone reply to that? It sounds boring as fuck!

Instead, you need to make them want you. Introduce

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yourself, tell them what you do, what you’re interested in, and give them a reason to want to live with you. Are you a mad cook? Do you have a car that can be used for supermarket trips or expeditions to Kmart? Or are you simply a nice and chill person and won’t cause any stupid flat drama? Everyone has something to offer, you’ve just gotta sell them on what makes you such a gem to live with. Be yourself, though, and don’t spin any yarns about how you’re super neat and will scrub the bathroom clean everyday if you know for a fact that you will do no such thing. When you go to a flat viewing, it’s so normal to be nervous but remember to speak up and show them a bit of your personality. It’s only awkward if you make it awkward! For safety and support, it can also be a good idea to take a friend with you. And ask PLENTY of questions. This will be your future home, after all, so it pays to know how chores get done and how expenses are shared.

So go forward and spread those wings! Figure out what it is you’re looking for, start hunting, and dazzle your future potential flatmates at those viewings. Keep hustling until something works, and don’t take anything personally! If they don’t want you, then it just means it wasn’t the right fit and you probably dodged a bullet.

And if you do land a flat, you’ll know who to thank.

FEATURE

takes on

gunge Writer: Nikki Papatsoumas Photography: Marie Larking & Tim Kendrew

With the recent revival of some of our favourite childhood stars (think Suzy Cato and Savaughan Ruakere on the recent season of Dancing with the Stars New Zealand) it got me thinking about all things that reminded me of being a child, the quintessential kiwi kid.

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And what is more kiwi than being gunged? It was every child’s dream to make it on to What Now and get gunged.

Or call in and get sent a pottle of gunge. It was the stuff dreams were made of. I remember watching the show with my younger sister and making her call the 0800 number because I was too embarrassed to call in. We were heartbroken every time the line was busy.

What Now hit screens in the early 1980s. The show has seen a raft of different presenters and skits over the years, but gunge has always remained. Gunge has become something of an icon here in Aotearoa.

In recent years, The Spinoff released its very own investigation into what gunge is made from.

After an exhaustive investigation, What Now’s secret gunge formula remains a secret. On Reddit you’ll even find a discussion, ‘People who have been hit by “gunge” on What Now what is it like”.

“It’s like having a mega bukkake,” one user said. Bleugh.

“Thingee cum,” said another user. “Don't know how they make it nowadays, I guess they just jerked him off a lot back in the 90s, they probably still have barrels of it.”

If gunge is the shining star of What Now Thingee must be a close second.

Moving forward we put the feelers out and got in touch with some Massey students who were lucky enough to have been gunged during their childhood.

Massey student Ashleigh Manning was lucky enough to fulfil every kiwi kid’s dream of being gunged.

“I was still at Primary School, and What Now had come to Waipukurau to do a show at the aerodrome.”

She says she was chosen to play a game where she had to name things starting with B which flew. She was one of two kids standing when the bucket of gunge on her head was spilt all over her.

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“It was icky, sticky and gross. It was green too, I remember that much.”

Former Massey student Greta Parker was also privileged enough to get gunged.

“We went to the What Now studios in Lower Hutt for my friend Kristin's birthday,” she tells Massive.

“We had to get up really early so that we could be at the studio at 5am so they could get us sorted before the show started. I remember they gave us sausage rolls for breakfast.

Parker says because it was her friend’s birthday she

“Thingee cum... I guess they just jerked him off a lot back in the 90s, they probably still have barrels of it.” was selected to participate in an obstacle course. She says her team lost the obstacle course competition and got gunged.

“They put us in that weird little capsule thing and we were all kind of squished in there.

“The gunge was actually really horrible. It was really thick and felt so awful in my hair. They did a big closeup on my face because I was so clearly disgusted by it.

“Afterward they let us have a shower and I clearly remember there being no shampoo or anything in the showers, so the gunge was incredibly difficult to wash out.

“I can't say it had been a dream of mine to be gunged, but it's a great claim to fame now.”

With all things gunge in mind we at the Massive Magazine office decided there was no better idea than to make our own knock-off gunge and of course, test it out on somebody.

That lucky someone is Massey at Wellington Student Association (MAWSA) President Emma Pearce.

Massive

The guinea pig

The setup

Pearce like so many other kiwi millennials has a childhood memory with gunge and jumped at the chance to relive this memory.

“Growing up it seemed as though everyone watched What Now and being gunged or hit with the foam gun was secretly everyone’s dream,” Pearce tells Massive.

“When I was around nine years old I got to love this dream... sort of.

“My best friend got gunged when What Now came to Auckland many moons ago. I had the opportunity to participate as well, but I was too scared that it would stain my clothes.

“My friend, however didn’t want me missing out on the fun so decided to make sure I got it all over me as well.”

Pearce says luckily the gunge, which she describes as having a consistency like eggs, didn’t stain her clothes. But she was left feeling like she never really got the chance to fully experience what it was like to get gunged.

Being the good samaritans we are here at Massive we decided to help Pearce relive her childhood dream of being gunged. But this time we would do her justice.

We had our guinea pig; our home-made gunge was ready and now we needed to scope out the perfect scene for Pearce’s gunging. After rifling through the office, we found an old paddling pool for Pearce to stand in and even a hazmat suit to protect her clothes (we really didn’t know how the gunge was going to react with, well anything). Being the sensible woman she is, Pearce even brought along a pair of safety googles, just like the kind they would give you to wear on What Now. With multiple cameras set up from all angles to catch the moment we were ready to go. It was the moment we had all been waiting for. And it went off without a hitch. You can head over to the Massive Magazine website to see a video of Pearce’s gunging if you’re interested.

The recipe One things for sure there are a hell of a lot of gunge recipes on the internet. We knew we wanted something that mimicked the consistency described by Pearce, but we weren’t willing to waste dozens of eggs in the process.

Some YouTubers suggested using custard powder as a base for gunge – made sense when keeping in mind we wanted our gunge to have an “eggy” consistency. But we decided to keep looking, eventually deciding to go with corn flour instead.

We needed to make sure our gunge had a bright colour like the blues and greens we remembered from What Now’s gunge. We didn’t want to stain anyone’s skin though so after careful consideration we used just a small amount of food colouring. A little goes a long way.

It was surprising to find out just how much corn flour we needed to use to get a gunge-like consistency (we ended up using six kilograms of the stuff) but finally our gunge was ready. It didn’t smell too great and it was a little lumpier than we would have liked, but after a day’s hard work it was as close as we were going to get.

The aftermath We hadn’t made a mess; our gunge hadn’t caused Massey Wellington’s student president to break out in a rash and even more amazingly it washed straight out of her hair. All in all, it had been a success.

More importantly, Pearce was happy. She had successfully relived a childhood dream. And this time she had seen it out properly.

“I got to relive this long-forgotten dream of mine when Massive approached me to be gunged.

“I’ll tell you what, homemade gunge is nothing like the real deal by a long shot. Having it dumped on my felt like having a blanket chucked on my head that then hardened like clay as opposed to the snotty consistency of What Now’s gunge.

“Though the texture, colour, and smell were way off the real deal you can’t beat the amount of fun you get being surrounded by friends and having shit dumped in your head.”

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MASSIVE

Artist: Liam Hopkinson

opinion

Unpopular Opinion: Dancing with the Stars Writer: Aria Tongs

I challenge you to a dance off, hands off, no trash talk, no back walk… finally, a show that has seemingly enticed me to invest in a television set, but is it worth it?

Here, we dig deep into the premiere of the widely marketed glory-child of TV Three. The budget thus far has been spectacular, and the line-up of dancers – though mediocre – has attracted my attention. Has it inspired me enough to take up a dancing class again?

Let me break down the breadth of my performing arts experience for you. I danced for 13 years – and only 13, because by the time I reached the age of 16 I was DONE with leotards and tights. And it was also the age

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MASSIVE

where I started crushing on every male dancer I ever came across, which subconsciously I knew was a waste of my time. However, my claim to fame came during the pre-primary ballet stage, where I received a 100 per cent grade mark and made it on the front cover of The Manawatū Guardian. Please, hold your applause.

Thank goodness none of the ‘stars’ wore something along the lines of leotards and tights… oh yes, Naz and Shavaughn. I guess if you’ve got the body, flaunt it.

Anyway, I’d like to think I have a presentable knowledge of dance, and what good and bad technique and talent look like.

It’s not the stars – or lack thereof – that are the scrutiny of my opinion this issue, but rather the dive that is the attempt to elicit our interest in weekly television shows again. I’ll admit, it’s something I really miss. Gone are the times where I would stay up past my 8pm bedtime to see if Supernanny could really whip that nasty kid into shape, or watch some lanky teenagers compete for the title of New Zealand’s Next Top Model. Now in this Netflix age, unless I can binge it, it’s not worth my time and patience. Despite this, I was willing to give Dancing with the Stars a try. It was the promos that blasted Dance Off by Macklemore across the office, the 90s throwback realness a lá Suzy Cato, as well as some alarming shots of politicians and The Bachelor stars that got me hooked.

The time had come for me to tune in via Three’s live streaming, become a real New Zealander again, showing support for our national broadcasters. Forget that fact that to be considered a true New Zealander I should know who Robert Rakete and Chris Harris are, right? Does anyone? No, just me.

I ended up missing the first couple of minutes of the first night’s episode but tuned in mid opening sequence to the likes of Rog giving me some dad bod in his mesh singlet, and Sam Hayes looking as if she wanted to be anywhere else. There was Marama Fox’s inability to keep up with her segment of the routine, and David Seymour’s concentration face staring straight into my soul. After the line-up of the night was announced, I was beyond disappointed. Sure, leaving the best names until last was one way to retain viewership over the two nights, but at least give us a consolation prize – or ‘star' – for being here in the first place!

And then the judges. I must admit, I underestimated them at first. Not only were their critiques and rankings well off the fair result, but two thirds of the panel were unrecognisable! We have internationally renowned Parris Goebel, and yet we fish out of American waters with the unofficial election of Rachel White as our resident Simon Cowell. Albeit, her controversial dance partner is Christchurch born ballroom dancer Brendan Cole, but where is he? On the right of the panel, we have kiwi-born Julz Tocker, who – up until this point – I thought was a bit of a let-down as well. Turns out that he is low-key a big deal. As well as being involved in multiple seasons of DWTS USA and Australia, he also happened to be the personal dancer of Emma Stone and Ryan Gosling in La La Land. But while I praise him, he still didn’t stand out to me as any kind of expert from his comments or manner. And of the blonde bombshell? Well, I’ll let you make your own mind up about her.

It’s hard for me to move past any criticism (in Seymour’s case) or praise (in Cato’s case) for the dancing stars, but that is not the issue in hand I’m facing. Tell me how the producers and music supervisors justified using Shawn Mendes to serenade us through a tango. I’m not sold about whether they grasp the concept of some pretty basic dance styles.

This Top 40 nonsense is not the answer to capturing the viewership of someone under the age of 25. Give us more along the lines of Cell-block Tango ie Gilda Kirkpatrick’s performance. The chosen music is underwhelming and not even sing-a-long worthy. If they’re not going to dance to kiwi music, give us some Michael Bublé, jazz standard classics, and against popular opinion, Disney has some phat beats that everyone can enjoy and actually sing along to.

You wanted my opinion? That’s what the nation needs.

If they’re going to give us recognisable faces and sell them to us as ‘stars’, at least give us good music and respectable criticism that we, and Dai Henwood, actually agree with. Still, my Sunday and Monday nights are kept free for the next 10 weeks. I WILL see this through. Or rather, I want to see Suzy through to gold.

What a legend. #TeamCato.

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JEROME CHANDRAHASEN M

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massive Jerome Chandrahasen started his comedy career 15 years ago in Wellington. This year he will perform the third show in his series of Five Fun Facts to the New Zealand Comedy Festival, aptly titled Five Fun Facts about Fajitas. Massive Magazine caught up with the Jerome to discuss making it as a comedian in windy Wellington and his most awkward performance.

are running quite well, and we’ve got the Humourous Arts Trust, which is the charity in Wellington that runs a lot of stand-up comedy so through that we have been able to get lots of funding.

The Wellington City Council help out with posters and we have had a few other grants which has really helped push the promotion side of things and help sort out the production side of things too

How did you get into comedy?

It was back when I was at university, a friend of mine from high school… was doing stand-up comedy with the theatre group at Vic Uni, so that was like Ben Hurley, Steve Wrigley and a few other people. And he just sort of roped me into it.

First gig went great, second gig was terrible I didn’t go back for a third… but then the third gig went great again. And that was it, too late. Hooked.

You used to help organise Raw Comedy Quest?

I run the Wellington heat. It’s a national competition and I have been running the Wellington heat through the Humourous Arts Trust, this is our eighth year.

So, you studied at Victoria University in Wellington? You grew up in Wellington?

Yea, grew up in Wellington, well grew up in the Hutt.

A lot of New Zealand comedians have started their career in Wellington, do you think it’s a good platform for young, up-and-coming comedians to get noticed or practice their craft?

Yea, absolutely. It’s a really great place to start out because there is lots of opportunity for open mic nights. I am just tonight going up to the Raw Comedy Fest final in Wellington, the Wellington final and that has just sold out at San Fran. That’s been a really big part of introducing people to stand up comedy both as audience members and as performers on stage. There is just a really supportive vibe in Wellington, the audiences are great and there is a really nice community of performers as well.

Has it changed over the years?

It has definitely changed. Back when I started out it was one night, that was every Thursday at Indigo (or San Fran) and that was like the only gig in town.

Now there is lots of little open mics that

And you were a contestant at one stage?

Oh man, yea I was a long time ago. It was 2004. 2003 was Cori Gonzales-Macuer he won it and then I won it in 2004.

What do you think your most awkward moment as a comedian has been? Is it particularly interesting?

I once did a gig at a nudist convention, this was out the back of Upper Hutt [in Wellington] and I was clothed but they were in various states. Some of them were wearing shirts but no pants.

So, you didn’t have to picture the crowd naked they already were?

They already were. I was standing up there… I am sure I was saying stuff that was funny but it was not connecting with them and 20 minutes of just disappointing about 100 naked people, it was pretty brutal.

Times like that would be enough to put you off, but do you get nervous these days before you are about to perform or are you more comfortable because you have been doing it for so long?

You never do quite know how they are going to react. If I completely lose that fear, I think I won’t be a very good comic. I think everyone has that little bit of excitement, you’re never quite sure how they [the audience] are going to react.

What’s this year’s show as part of the Comedy Festival about?

It’s Five Fun Facts about Fajitas. This year I have gone with fajitas, in previous years I have gone with flacons and before that was Finland. I think people just like alliteration. Basically, what I try and do is find some facts about a particular topic and then use that to branch off on my own story. I guess the past year has been a pretty domestic year for me… it’s been a lot of cooking and cleaning and cooking has been a big part of my life, so I think that maybe influenced the stories and things that have happened to me.

How did Five Fun Facts come about?

It’s the third year. For a long time, I used to host a quiz night it was like every Tuesday night, I did it for three or four years. You sort of noticed how it would bring groups of strangers together.

Groups of friends and then groups of strangers. I have never seen adults so intensely focused on seemingly trivial information. It made me realise we love having those little facts, like what’s the capital of Slovenia or what’s the fastest bird. We like having facts to talk about it’s something people can agree on. From there, you can talk about stuff you disagree with. I like to try and use those sorts of facts to maybe start up a conversation or launch off into a different story. I think something everyone does is the afternoon quiz in the Dom Post, it’s a real common thing in work places to do. People just love finding out new little nuggets of information.

Is that a point of difference? Does it create a different spin on your show?

Yea and I can sort of get away with a lot, if I have got those five facts in the show I feel like I have achieved what I have promised the audience. Then I can go off and talk about anything else I would like as well. It’s nice to tie it in, force myself to try and tie my show in to hit all those five facts.

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Entry 5: The smell of an oily rag (and other questionable substances) Often, I hear the expression, “It’ll run on the smell of an oily rag”. According to Grandpa Google, this expression refers to: A very small amount, or the absolute minimum. I’ve always thought of this as how long a car can run on the pesky empty light. For example, you can put $40 of fuel in your trusty Morris Minor, and it’ll get you from Cape Reinga to Bluff. Well crap on a spatula, wouldn’t we all love a wagon with such efficiency.

I was having a good chinwag with my fellow ponders on this topic, and we concluded that this oily rag scenario is analogous to many people’s alcohol tolerance, ourselves included. I’ve often been criticised of my inability to consume more than three bottles of fermented moose drool before walking wonky and yelling about medical marmalade (and other galactic snacks). Personally, I think this is great. Most people take quite a few bottles of drink to get snot-flying drunk, but for me, it’s as easy as four bottles of four per cent grog. I’m a self-proclaimed lightweight.

I will admit that some brews are slightly easier to consume than others. One defining memory pops up. I remember attempting to drink my first beer. My parental unit handed me a questionable looking beverage. I gave it a chug. Well punch my groin and call me squeaky, I think I performed my first tactical vomit

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that night. Succulent notes of hops-infused camel piss.

Spirits are a different kettle of fish. I can barely consume the stuff. However, once my taste buds are butchered from a few brewskis, I can usually ingest a fair bit of it. For me, the taste is always a varying mix of paint thinners and BP’s finest 95 Unleaded. Like a good friend of mine once said; A night on the spirits is a big one, but a short one. Whilst most people comment on the burning sensation upon entry, let me tell you, the exit can be much worse. The thunder box sustains quite a thrashing after a night on spirits, I speak from experience (i.e. shitting straight Smirnoff). Nonetheless, it’s purely a matter of preference. Choose your poison, they say.

These days I’ll settle for a lovely bottle of DB Export two per cent beer. These twostroke beverages are just the icing on the cake after a day of hard yakka. Let it be known that you can indeed get sauced on these two-stroke beauties, however patience and perseverance are key.

TL;DR: Some of us are gifted with pisspoor alcohol tolerance. On another note, 2/2/22 will be a Tuesday (or should I say two-sday?)

Until Next Time, Todd Not Your Average Ponderer

Feature

imposter syndrome Writer: Victoria Bergin Illustration: Luca Rosseels

University is the worst and it's hard to know why we all put ourselves through it. Long days of painful lectures followed by long nights of last minute assignments and yet many of us come back day after day, year after year. University kind of sucks, but it can feel so much worse when the student is plagued by the big bad Imposter Syndrome. It can be a struggle to take a compliment sometimes, and maybe a grade is a little higher than it should be for the work that was handed in. Imposter syndrome makes you feel like a fraud, even in the middle of your success. It is characterised by someone's inability to accept their accomplishments for what they are or by their fear of being exposed as someone undeserving of the position they're in.

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Imposter Syndrome is most common in high achievers.

Imposter Syndrome as a term came about in 1978 and is labelled as a psychological phenomenon that creates feelings of intellectual fraudulence. Imposter Syndrome is said to commonly come through as feelings of anxiety. There is no specific cause of it, however, the overwhelming need for perfectionism and the increasing idea of social comparison, as well as an almost universal fear of failure all, play a part.

Imposter Syndrome can feel normal, especially in an academic setting where everyone seems so much more intelligent. It's easy to sink into the idea that everyone else in your class belongs and you do not, that everyone else works hard and succeeds while you somehow tricked whoever let you into your course because clearly you're not suited to be here. It is believed that a high number of students suffer from feeling like an imposter throughout their academic career and many cannot even put a name it. The ones who can still struggle to think past it and no one ever really seems to want to talk about it. Many students seem to just accept the feeling and go through their academic life struggling.

Penny* lives in a three bedroom flat, goes to classes most of the time and wears clothing that tells you she was an overachieving theatre kid in high school. She's undoubtedly felt a lot of feelings in her life but one feeling, the feeling of being an imposter, has stuck around. She says a counsellor once told her it wasn't really a syndrome because when you label things as syndrome they tend to make people think it's a mental illness, but it's more of just a feeling. Penny says Imposter Syndrome has followed her as a student throughout high school and university.

"Every day I'm struggling, like a lot, and I've kind of always felt it. I think a lot of other people feel Imposter Syndrome. A lot of girls I know are a lot less confident about their opinions like their default position is that they're wrong and they're doing something wrong. In some ways, I think it was good because it made me work a lot more, but it's not for the right reasons.

It was because I was scared people would think I was an idiot,” she says.

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“I've never really felt that I fully deserved a lot of the stuff that's happened to me and sometimes I tell myself that it's because I somehow cheated the system. There's this paranoia that people will think I'm cheating.

“In year 10 a teacher tried to get me to confess to plagiarising something I had written because it was so academic, but I just went really extra. I work hard on things that aren't important because they are proof that I'm capable.”

Penny says the first emotion she feels when she achieves something is disbelief.

“I'm sure that there's another reason that I got this and it's not because I worked for it. As a student, you're constantly being graded on stuff and if I get a good mark I get really confused by it like why am I getting a good grade for this work? I get frustrated at myself because I'll be in class and they'll ask a question and I know the answer, but I won't put up my hand because I'm scared that they'll say I'm wrong and everyone will think I'm an idiot, but if other people do it I don't think they're idiots.”

It is not an uncommon feeling, feeling like a fraud, and a great deal of people will feel it at some point in their lives. It can be easy getting swept up in it and not acknowledging what you've achieved or accept the praise you receive. However, it can be surprisingly common among students, so it is curious that there is not more discussion about it to make it easier for these students. We are surrounded by people trying to project the best version of themselves into the world because we want to share the good things and hide the bad things, so it can be easy to become dissatisfied when we compare our normal lives with others best lives.

The important thing is to talk about how you are feeling, because though not everyone may be currently affected by imposter syndrome, no one is a stranger to thoughts like these. If you are struggling to the point of a serious problem don’t be afraid to reach out to a counsellor. The student health services on all three campuses provide counselling for free. *Penny’s name has been changed.

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Massive Massive is the student magazine for all Massey University students.

This year we need even more student contributors to fill our pages. If you would like to contribute in any form, please do get in touch.

We’re keen as.

we want you* editor@mawsa.org.nz massive@mawsa.org.nz

illustration writing photography opinion

*Well, Pocket specifically.

We only semi need you.

In the nicest way possible.

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FEATURE

Dipped in deep water Buried with all kinds of emotion Perception, rejection Confusion, an illusion Frustration, hesitation Walking around the places I have already known Flashbacks, throwbacks, all in my head Wanting to unwind and unravel Every bit of truth about this missing puzzle Knowing too much, does it hurt a little more to not know at all?

What is going on between walkways and highways Street signs and no white lines?

The road I am on Why did you take me there?

Face to face, are we mirrored hanging onto our own past?

Problems of your own, like I have mine, tryna make things ryhme How to remove these dark times....

Do you understand what I'm saying in between the lines?

What does letting go mean?

What does being yourself look like?

At different times, at different paths, set a part No matter how close I try to tie the knots together They keep coming off Drifting away with the wind Come clean!

- Melissa Ng

where i'm at

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COLUMN

the UNLONELY woman Does size matter?

I find myself and my friends always asking this question. Whenever we catch up, one of the big questions always asked is, “is he big?”. We always mean dick. I don’t think my friends, or I have ever meant his body size because that really doesn’t matter. But does dick size really matter? Does it matter so much that you would stop seeing someone because of it? Now what better way to talk about this but then to reflect on my own experiences of course.

So, let’s start off with the big side. I dated this guy, let’s call him Philip.

I dated Philip when I was 16 and I honestly thought he was “the one”. In saying that I feel like when you’re that age you would think the cute guy at the canteen that gives you your Moosies is the one. Anyway, me and Philip didn’t work out. He said he didn’t want to date anyone which is fine. But this mother fucker ended up getting in a relationship two weeks later… ummm oooook bro.

He just didn’t want to date me which is fine but say that bro. Honesty is the best policy. Anyway, he wanted to date a few years later I said no because sis we ain’t

no mother fucker’s seconds. You ain’t no entree you the main dish boo. Anyway, skip to me last year in September and I had a moment of weakness. I had the worst date of my life. I mean horrible.

I was weak. Philip was in town and I was like fuck it, let’s do this. I did not remember the fucking massive python growing in his pants. I mean I knew it was big but fuck me sideways this thing was massive! Just imagine a squirrel trying to eat a banana.

OK now the small dick story. We’ll keep this one short because well there’s nothing to it…yes, I just did that. So, let’s call this boy Ryan. Ryan actually ended up being a one-night stand. This boy was tiny. I mean smaller than my thumb. I literally looked at him in the eyes and said put it in. He turned to me and said it is. I felt horrible and just said ooooh yea. Honestly it was like what you see on television. Anyway, he is easily the smallest I have had in my life but maybe a tie for the dude who was so small he would push my head down during sex thinking it would make his dick go further. I’m sorry but no. You’re just hurting my neck. Your dick can’t and

won’t go in anymore. But let’s get back to this. Does size really matter?

Well here’s my conclusion. In short, no it doesn’t. I say this because I’ve come across some nice dicks in my life, but the men attached to them have been so bloody selfish when it comes to my orgasms. Like sir your dick may be good but there’s more to it than going up and down. A guy could have a tiny dick but be amazing at oral which I’ve come across as well. The guy could be a super amazing guy and just have a tiny dick but if his oral game is strong then you sorted and even then, you can work on oral.

I’ll be honest though I could never date someone with a Philip size dick again because that shit actually hurt my vagina.

So, no size doesn’t matter it’s what you can do with it. I have only ever meet one guy in my life who had a great dick and was great at sex and oral. So, ladies and gents my recommendation? Get to know the man behind the dick because that is more important. Unless you’re after a big or small dick then be fussy. You do you. If you want to read more like this head to www.theunlonelywoman.com.

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COLUMN

Good Cop, Bad Cop

Hi there, I have recently been invited to go to a Justin Bieber concert with my girlfriend and her little sister. The thing is my boys will think I’m fucked and bully the shit out of me if I choose to go. I don’t want to let my girlfriend down and have her think that I hate her. I mean I do hate her little sister, I think she’s a bitch, but still the onslaught from my mates will be rough. What should I do?

Surely you should go, it is a huge opportunity to get to know your girlfriend’s little sister and change your opinion of her. Justin Bieber is pretty shit but hey, it won’t last too long. When the onslaught from the boys comes in, just rip them back, easy as - GC

I was recently in Pak n’ Save when I saw the Cookie Time Monster handing out samples down the biscuit aisle. At first, I thought, do I really need a cookie but then it hit me, of course I fucking did. I ran over to the big red mother fucker and kicked the shit out of him and stole his box of cookies. He was visibly very hurt but fuck it I thought. I ran towards the exit of the shop, when the big fuck off security guard put a hit on me. I am now in hospital and can’t walk, but I have an exam tomorrow. What am I gonna do?

Well shit. What a story. Perhaps you could pay one of your mates to do it for you, pick one who isn’t shit. Otherwise just don’t do it, exams are a bit of a waste of time to be honest. Learn to walk again so you can head back to Pak n’ Save to get back at that security guard - BC

DISCLAIMER: While our Good Cop and Bad Cop have your best interests at heart when playing Agony Aunt, remember they are no experts. So, if you are after serious medical or legal advice, please consult a professional.

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Have a picture worthy of Massive fame? Send it through to massive@mawsa.org.nz 37

Column

Lit Fam or Shit Scam?

Magic The Gathering Writer: Kasharn Rao

Nobody cares that you saw Infinity War. We’re all too busy exhausting ourselves by watching Netflix and not socialising. Now that we’re in the grindiest part of the semester, there’s very little socialising happening. It’s difficult balancing your daily routine of sleeping in, starving, and rereading your notes for the forty-fifth fucking time. There’s not often room to discover new activities, but I’ve found something that’s better than re-watching The Office. Again.

Magic The Gathering is a fantasy themed card game designed by Richard Garfield first released in 1993. For twenty-five years it has remained the favourite social activity of the average geek. The game has some very simple aspects, and some more complicated rules, but I’ll give you a basic run down.

It revolves around five different colours of mana, and you as a player must tap into the power of these colours with the use of Lands, in order to fuel Creatures that can attack and defend, cast Sorceries, and watch your opponent shrivel in fear. If you want to learn the proper rules, then check out the website to learn, there’s twenty-fucking-five years of lore just begging for your gentle touch.

There are multiple ways to play Magic, including local tournaments in which you bring your own meticulously crafted deck to compete against others, but the kind of game I went to was different. This game was called a draft, and it involved everyone buying three packs of randomly assorted cards, taking a card from each pack and passing it along. Once all the packs are empty, you build a deck from the cards you chose, then battle each other.

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I was quite surprised by the pleasantry and patience of the community. It seems the Magic community can do what humanity collectively fails to do - share. Those of you who know me are aware of my affinity for another particular fantasy themed card game, which certainly helped with understanding the rules of Magic, but regardless, new players will be new, and I made my share of mistakes.

At 6.30pm I turned up at Cerberus Games on Dixon St in Wellington, a place which I was already very familiar with, having taken friends there on multiple occasions to play board games. Once everyone else arrived, we paid, received our packs and sat at the table. I had crammed in the rules the night before but thankfully I was repeatedly given reminders.

Opening my first pack I could instantly see what my options were. Vampires, Pirates, or Dinosaurs. Again, those of you who know me are aware of my affinity for swashbuckling and skullduggery, so I instantly tossed Twilight and Jurassic Park, scavenging as many Pirates of the Caribbean as humanly possible. I also managed to be brainy enough to only choose the cards that used Blue and Black Magic, because as members of American congress like to say, too many colours is a bad thing.

My process in choosing cards followed some simple rules that I had gained from my hard years of grinding children’s card games. If it says ‘Negate,’ ‘Draw Cards,’ or ‘Your opponent cannot…” then that’s going straight in my basket. However, I made the odd exception here and there if I came across a shiny rare.

massive

I was offered some help in deck building by one of the staff, who looked through what I had chosen and remarked at how good of a balance of cards I had picked. He sorted them and explained why I didn’t need any of the shiny rares then explained to me how I would use my deck. Pretending I knew exactly what he was talking about, I found my first opponent and settled in for some good ol’ immortal combat.

My first opponent was playing a Vampire deck and was very patient with me as I struggled to grasp the rigging with my new plundering pals. However, I quickly took the lead in the game, and brought his Life from 20 down to two. One more turn and I would have won, but at this point I had used up all my resources keeping his vamps at bay, so he ejaculated multiple Edward Cullens onto the board and wiped out my defenses.

The annoying thing about Vampires in Magic is they drain life whenever they damage your opponent. I lost the second game too, but I didn’t feel too bummed out.

Although this kind of game was very fair in the sense that everybody uses the same card pool, I still wasn’t expecting to win against these hardcore veterans.

Since we had an odd number of players, I was put on standby for the next round, which I took as an opportunity to get some food and relax, because I could feel a headache coming on. One drawback is that Magic commands you to use a fair amount of thinking juice, and it didn’t help that I’d skipped breakfast. And lunch. Actually, maybe it was scurvy.

In the second round my new opponent was playing a Pirate deck like me, but his was actually good, revolving around Red and Blue magic. I managed to win the

first game, which was mythic, but in the second game for the first four turns I didn’t draw a single Land card, which is a crucial thing you need to do anything. Magic is also a game about gradually building resources, so not having any caused me to walk the plank in no time.

The third game, the tie-breaker, was a bit of a struggle, with the upper hand sallying back and forth before settling in my opponent’s favour. He surprised me with a nasty dinosaur, and despite the historical inaccuracy, completely ruptured me.

So that was it, I didn’t win, but I received another pack of cards for participating which was nice. But the real thing that astonished me was my first opponent, who approached me and congratulated me on playing rather well, then casually gave me his entire Vampire deck.

“I don’t need these, they’ll only follow me around,” he explained, as if it was no big deal.

Magic can take a little while to learn, but it’s super fun, and the community is one of the friendliest I’ve experienced. It can get pricey to play drafts on a regular basis, but there are many other playstyles out there.

So, if you’re interested in proving to your parents that you’ll never grow up, give this game a try. Unless you study design, in which case they already know.

I rate Magic The Gathering 4/5 Confusing Dice With Too Many Numbers, therefore it’s Lit Fam.

Next Issue - “I cannot tell you, it’s confidential.”

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REVIEWS

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Movie Review A Quiet Place

TV Show Review Lost in Space

While watching A Quiet Place, it occurred to me that most cinemagoers would not survive an hour in silence, myself included.

The horror film focuses on a family who live in isolation near a town that has been decimated by blind creatures who hunt via sound. The monster is a mixture of the Xenomorph from Alien (1979) and the Demogorgon from Stranger Things (2016), but with bigger ears. One of the children is deaf, which creates complications for the family as she cannot hear if she is making noise, or if the creature is near. The film was supposed to be terrifying and thought provoking, but the whole time I was questioning the premise. So they have to be quiet – exactly how quiet? The most intimate of details were left out – you know everyone was thinking it.

However, the film was quite beautifully made, and well acted by real-life married couple John Krasinski and Emily Blunt. They also managed to find great children to act in the film – especially significant was that they chose a deaf actress to play a deaf character for authenticity, which deserves praise. All in all, a very watchable horror (even for someone who hates horror) – Emma Rzepecky

Lost in Space starts off slow, but if you get past the first episode you’ll find a great tale of a family facing unimaginable hardships together and succeeding.

It is a sci-fi show that follows the Robinson family, who have been chosen as part of the 24th colony group to leave a dying Earth. Instead of reaching Alpha Centauri, they crash land onto another previously unknown planet. The family consists of a struggling parental unit close to divorce and three children with a variety of talents. Luckily they found three great child actors in Taylor Russell, Maxwell Jenkins and Mina Sundwell, as they bring the family vibe to life.

The show has a great villain in Dr. Smith/June (Parker Posey), who evidently goes through a few names throughout her storyline. Hers is a more complex villain storyline than expected in a children’s program, which makes it a great watch.

Lost in Space is a remake of a show by the same name that ran from 1965 until 1968. Although, the creators have said they had to change a lot of the themes and content to avoid the sexism of the 60s, which they achieved effectively.

Overall, Lost in Space is a great watch, with jokes and entertainment to suit everyone – Emma Rzepecky.

COLUMN

Booked In: Chapter Five This is Going to Hurt: Secret Diaries of a Junior Doctor

I’ve expounded the virtues of nonfiction before, but (somewhat hypocritically) I don’t read it very often. The allure of fiction is just too damn strong. Every now and then, however, I come across a real gem.

This is Going to Hurt: Secret Diaries of a Junior Doctor is a really long title which I’m going to shorten to This is Going to Hurt for the rest of this review, but it’s also a book by British television writer and comedian Adam Kay, comprised of entries from a diary kept during his time as a junior doctor in the UK’s National Health Service (NHS).

Alongside the entries, Kay offers reflective commentary on each of the nine posts he worked at over six years, and footnotes which are as amusing as they are informative. It’s like a realistic medical drama. In book form.

A fairly short book and a quick, easy, read (about four hours according to howlongtoreadthis.com, which is a very useful website), This is Going to Hurt nonetheless has a lot going on. Contrary to popular belief, doctors—at least junior doctors in the NHS—are underpaid, undervalued, and overworked. Kay describes the toll taken on doctors’ health and relationships but is also adamant about one thing: saving lives far exceeds monetary value.

Most of the entries are amusing, like patients offering bribes to be signed off work for longer, and word confusion between ‘hermaphrodite’ and ‘haemophiliac.’ Some are… disturbing, especially if, like me, you’re almost painfully squeamish (one word: degloving). Some are heart-warming: grateful patients and happy endings, which means, of course, that some entries are devastating. In a hospital, you can expect plenty of not-so-happy endings.

After a point, the diary structure started to feel repetitive. Most of the shock value was past and each entry felt like just another anecdote. Not to say it became boring. I’d come to know the Adam Kay who resides within the pages of his book and wanted to find out what it was that made him reconsider his career. I’ll say no more on that— even nonfiction can have spoilers.

In any case, the combination of snarky British humour, surprisingly educational material, life lessons, tragedies, and ‘aww’-worthy moments, was enough to win me over. From house officer to senior registrar; hilarity to heartbreak, This is Going to Hurt does not lie when it tells you—this is going to hurt. Be it your sides or your chest (but please go see a doctor if the pain doesn’t go away) - Peri Miller.

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COLUMN

Music Review Call Me By Your Name/Various Artists

The soundtrack for the coming-of-age film Call Me By Your Name is 17 tracks of original works by various artists. Most notably is Sufjan Stevens’ Academy Award nominated song Mystery of Love which is featured in the trailer for the film.

This song, as well as his other track Visions of Gideon, are two songs that were written especially for the film. In Visions of Gideon Stevens sings softly in a melancholic tone, I have loved you for the last time. They are probably my favourite, although I do have a bias since I’m in love with him.

The soundtrack doesn’t seem to have a cohesive theme to it since Stevens’ songs are quite stripped back, whereas the song called Words by F.R David is driven with euphoric 80s sounds, since the film is set in that time. There is even a song called Paris Latino by Bandolero driven with 80s synths, sung in Spanish as well as in English. Several classical sonata compositions also feature such as Sonatine Bureaucratique by Frank Glazer and another by John Adams.

Robin Urdang is the man behind the careful curation of the soundtrack, who said that, “the music is a layer of the film that’s telling a story”.

I agree with that, as the characters in the film will identity with the lyrics, but I feel like some of the songs seem a bit out of place.

Lady Lady Lady by Giorgio Moroder and Joe Esposito is another 80s, ballad-like song that I love within this soundtrack. It’s a good ol’ romantic song that would fit right into Dirty Dancing or a classic John Hughes film. I thought some of the songs were pretty random, but there are a number of beautiful gems within the soundtrack – Zoe Jennings.

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COLUMN

FROM THE

PREZ

Kia ora everyone, I hope you have all survived the recent stints of bad weather and that your all full into the swing of winter with sleeping bags and hot water bottles now making regular appearances.

As we get into the colder months it is super important to look after your health – both mental and physical.

Winter sucks. We all know that. But it can be really easy to feel down in the dumps, especially as we get closer to exams and assessment time. Just make sure you’ve got someone to yarn to if you need it and be there for your mates too. On a positive note to get you through the winter blues, we have

Ingredients 2 - 3 chicken breasts (depending on how many servings) 1 – 2 cups of panko breadcrumbs 1- 2 cups of all-purpose flour 1 ½ tsp dried thyme 1 ½ tsp chilli flakes 1 tsp garlic salt (or more to taste) 1 ½ tsp ground black pepper (or more to taste) 1 cup soy milk

Massey Music Night making a strong appearance on Friday, May 18. We have a whole range of alternate style kiwi musicians taking the stage to give a bit of a mix up to the usual Fergs vibe and celebrate New Zealand Music Month.

The gig is put on by ASA as some free Friday antics to help you all unwind before exams. We hope to see you all there!

As we get closer to the end of semester it’s also good to start thinking about which lecturers made your year particularly interesting or exciting.

When you see the ASA team out and about giving out food make sure you vote for your Lecturer of the Year

COOL BEANS Chicken Strips with Lydia Hill

I have a love/hate relationship when it comes to cooking chicken, but this recipe was incredibly easy and foolproof. Gather round your flatties and you can set up a production line to whip these up fast. I served mine with a simple salad made up from whatever was in my fridge at the time. This recipe is allergy-friendly and low in fat as it contains no dairy, eggs or oil.

(LOTY)!

We are also in the first stages of planning the ball for 2018, so if you or anyone you know is keen to have a say in the planning of the ball then flick me an email or message the ASA Facebook page. We have already got some sick ideas in the works and are super open to any more that people might have.

Once again look after yourselves and enjoy the rest of semester!

Cheers,

Jason

Line an oven tray with baking paper and preheat the oven to 200C. Prepare the chicken breast by first cutting off any excess fat and tendons, then cut the breasts into equally sized strips.

It is important to make sure that the strips are equal to ensure they will cook evenly. Set aside. Combine the herbs and seasoning with the flour in a bowl. In two separate bowls, pour in the panko breadcrumbs and the soy milk. It is easiest to coat one or two chicken strips at a time as this is a very messy process – ideal for a flat bonding session. Dunk the chicken strips into the soy milk, and then the flour and herb mix, back into the soy milk and then in the breadcrumbs. Repeat this until done, and line the strips evenly on the baking tray. I chose not to use oil and they achieved a level of crisp I was happy about, however you can if you wish. Bake in the oven for 15 to 20, flipping half way. Serve with a salad and enjoy.

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Puzzles

MASSIVE QUIZ

1. Which sea creature has three hearts?

2. Whose face was said to have launched 1000 ships?

3. How many bones does an adult human have?

4. What is the Italian word for pie? Pizza.

5. What is the national flower of Wales?

6. Which is larger 50 per cent or five eights?

7. Which planet shares its name with a dog?

8. Info.cern.ch is famous for being what?

9. True or false? The fastest land animal in the world is the zebra.

10. What famous scientist was awarded the 1921 Nobel Prize in Physics for his work on theoretical physics?

Can you SUDOKU? Prove your personality type, are you a problem solver or a quitter? I bet the quitters will quit before they finish the first, and the problem solvers will complete both in under 10 minutes. GO. Quitters: INFP, ISTJ, ISFJ, ISFP, ESFP, ENFP, ENFJ, INFJ

1. Octopus, 2. Helen of Troy, 3. Two hundred and six, 4. Pizza, 5. Daffodil, 6. Five eights, 7. Pluto, 8. The world’s very first website, 9. False, 10. Einstein.

Problem Solvers: INTP, INTJ, ISTP, ESTP, ESTJ, ENTP, ENTJ

GUESS? WHO

Guess who answer: Post Malone

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HOT OR NOT?

HOT: Mason Ramsey’s song Famous (yodel kid released a song)

HOT: Shav’s body suit on Dancing with the Stars NZ

HOT: Massive’s new website

HOT: Camel coat and blue jeans combo HOT: Turtleneck swag NOT: The ugly ass creatures that attack Wakanda

NOT: Pascall eskimos in a pick and mix bag

NOT: Kanye’s weird poop song

NOT: Dad Bod for winter

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46 De-stress, colour me!

FEATURE

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