Massive Magazine 2015 Volume 4 Issue 4 by Massive Magazine

Free magazine Issue 04 / 2015

Find us online!

get the app asap Read MASSIVE online, with added interactivity, for free! Be one of the first to get your hands on a copy monthly. Download from the app store for Apple users and from the Android Play Store for all other devices.

Letters to the editor

Editorial

4-5 6 7-9

In short Events feed Wellington local

10-11

Manawatu local

12-13

Auckland local

14-17

Anzac feature

18-21

Overheard @ university

22-25

Low-cost beer feature

26-29

Oscar Mein photography

30-31

The late debate

32-35

Reviews

36-37

Local travel / Flaxmere

38-39

International travel / Antarctica

Food blog / salted caramel cookies

Representatitive chic

42-43

Uni mum

44-45

Ask Guru

Expressive arts

Puzzle time

Everyone’s a winner! MASSIVE would love to hear from you. You can drop your

letters into any students’ association office, or email them to

LE TT ER S TO TH E ED I TOR

editor@massivemagazine.org.nz . Alternatively, you could play Harry Potter: pretend the nearest bird you find is an

owl, and ask it nicely to deliver your letter to us, down our

imaginary chimney. Whatever method you choose, if your letter reaches us, and is published, you will win a bag of People’s coffee. To claim your prize, flick us an email.

Dear editor,

I’ve never written to an editor before so bear with. I read your ‘Love Me Tinder’ article in the last issue of Massive and it brought up a surprising amount of emotions. No one and I mean NO ONE is on tinder to chat and meet friends. That is ridiculous. You’re lying to yourself, your friends, and your mother. I’m not saying everyone wants a sneaky root (though probably the majority do) but they want something more than just a friendly chat. It’s uncomfortable, you can’t trust anyone who only wants to “chat” on tinder. It’s like they’re trying to spoon your mind but everyone knows what spooning leads to…

I just wanted to thank you for publishing the article in last month’s edition “Bill will shut students up”. It was great to see Carwyn Walsh really sink his teeth into this issue, and produce an in-depth, yet understandable feature about an important Bill. The way he wrote it made it very readable, and I enjoyed the injection of humour at the beginning – it really hooked me. I hope that plenty of students read this article, as whether directly, or indirectly, this issue will impact them, and I think it’s important they are made aware of the proposed changes and have the chance to comment on them. I for one will be submitting my thoughts. The media is the best way to communicate influential governmental decisions, so keep it up!

May I suggest making your next issue an environmental issue? From walking around the Wellington campus I have noticed an unprecedented amount of litter blowing about in the wind. Most of this litter pertains to an unhealthy diet usually revolving around highenergy foods such as red bull, chocolate bars, energy bars, and coke. Writing about issues such as student parking, and targeting the stereotypical student with content on smut, drugs, and liquor will only perpetuate the lack of responsibility this generation is taking for the environment.

Sincerely, Forking Tinderella

Sincerely, Impressed

Perhaps as a forward thinking university the magazine could reflect and challenge that by challenging the student status quo and publishing content that can help us tackle the various environmental issues facing this country, and the world. If not, then please at least feature Kimye or the royal baby in the next edition as those seem to be the other two big issues facing the world at the moment. Sincerely, Environ mental about Kimye and

the royals 2

ED I TO R i al . It’s a Sunday afternoon and we lie in our bed of agony, our head throbbing, feeling sick, and sorry for ourselves, and we ask ourselves the same question as we do most Sundays: why do we drink? The hangover, our own fault, is usually filled with laziness, fatty food, and regret about that decision we made last night to have just a little bit more of that vodka. We go through this hardship, yet continue to put the poison in our bodies – why? From discussing this with my friends, we concluded that it’s because the next day is usually worth the fun that we have letting loose with a little liquor courage the previous night. So why then, do we put ourselves through stress? I can’t see any positive consequence of making ourselves feel this way – it’s not worth it. Stress and worry are wasted emotions. Exams and hand-in week are looming, and whether you stress yourself out or not, you’re still going to have to complete your project, and sit your exam. It can be easy to let university consume a few weeks of your life in this period of time, where stresslevels are traditionally higher than Snoop-dogg.

So, if there’s one thing I’ve learnt, it’s that you may as well not pull your hair out worrying about the bigger picture – just focus on one thing at a time, and remember to take some time out for yourself. Go for a walk, watch re-runs of The Bachelor NZ, or make some salted caramel cookies. If you choose the latter, feel free to drop some to the MAWSA office. Try not to look at these activities as procrastination, but more as a break, to treat yo’self for knuckling down. Watching the whole season of The Bachelor in a day however, is procrastinating, making six cakes and four trays of muffins in a day, is procrasti-baking. Try and find that balance, take a deep breath, allow slices of

enjoyment between your studies, but try not to overindulge. Remember, when you’re lying in a sea of scribbled notes, highlighted colours flashing from every direction, that your effort will pay off. It’ll be worth it in the end, when you have six or so weeks to completely chill out, like a jellyfish. Enjoy your time flicking through this magazine. This month we have an opinion feature about the ugly truth behind Anzac Day, we look at anonymous university Facebook pages, we have a review of low-cost beers for your enjoyment, plus much more. Speaking of enjoying your study break, check out this month’s Ask Guru for some fun advice ;)

Until next time, Kim.com 3

Changes set for Council’s Constitution

“there needs to be stricter guidelines on who can have the other four positions.”

Massey University Council representatives to discuss their proposal regarding changes to the Massey University Council Constitution. These changes follow legislative changes in the Education Amendment Act, which were made in February this year with the passing of the Education Amendment Bill. These changes mean the size of the council is reduced from between 12-20 members to between 8-12 members. It also removes the requirement for a university to have student or staff representation on its council. University Council members – Chris Kelly, Paddy Nicol, and Fiona Coote – met with concerned student representatives to discuss how the Bill will shape the composition of the Massey University Council. The Bill left many students fearing the loss of their voice as, under the new legislation, their right to a mandatory representative on university councils was removed. These fears have been soothed by university authorities, who have come to the rescue, declaring that the student voice will remain mandatory on the Massey University Council. A controversial aspect of the Education Amendment Bill was its stripping of university councils down from a maximum of 20 to a maximum of 12. The government reasoned that smaller councils would bring about more efficient governing. This section of the Bill didn’t gain much traction with Chris Kelly, the chancellor of Massey University, who opened the meeting by stating: “as a council, we disagree with that”. The new Bill means that councils will now have to operate with a maximum of 12 members –

that four of the remaining eight seats will

Kelly said “we need to figure out where we are

be left permanently for the vice-chancellor,

weak, and fill those [four] gaps.”

a student representative, an academic

MAWSA association manager, James Collings

faculty representative, and a general staff

suggested that one part of the constitution

representative.

should say that at least one member of the

Students don’t have to rely solely on the

council must be a distance student.

chancellor’s promises, as this composition of councils will likely be enshrined into a new

“As Massey has a large number of distance

university constitution.

students, and as distance students have different needs, I think their voice would be

Under the Bill, the University Council had

valuable,” Collings said. The idea was also

full power to appoint a suitable student

raised at the Wellington campus that council

representative of their choosing. University

members would need to demonstrate certain

authorities have chosen not to exercise this

competencies in order to be part of the council.

power, Kelly saying: “We trust the students to

A suggested competency was that the elected

elect their own representatives.”

student representative must have at least one year of leadership experience, in order to show

MAWSA student president, Tom Pringle

understanding of the university structure and

suggested that the student representative

governance process.

should be chosen through an election process, where the students vying for the position must

The developed ideas regarding the proposed

write about why they want to be there, and

changes to the constitution will be compiled

what their motives are.

into a submission, which will be written by representatives from each of the students’

As part of their submission, representatives

associations, and then sent to the Massey

from each of the students’ associations

University Council for consideration.

planned to provide suggestions regarding how to select the student representative.

Brooks said of the proposed changes that “I feel Massey has recognised the need for

ASA student president, Byron Brooks said

representation on the council from certain key

that “student representation is very important

stakeholders and the proposal to add these

because as they are the major stakeholder

positions into the constitution will help to keep

of the university, they should be fairly and

student representation on the council in the

properly represented in discussions regarding

future.”

governance of the institution.” MUSA president Linsey Higgins left the The Bill’s passing has meant that the

meeting satisfied that the University Council

university has had to rewrite the sections of

“appears to be on the same page as students.”

their constitution relating to the University

Higgins said she was “pleased that the council

Council’s composition.

is proactively engaging with students on the future makeup of university councils.”

The proposal, according to Kelly, is to have four positions enshrined, (see earlier) four

From here, the council will consider the

chosen by the minister, and four for anyone –

feedback they’ve received, and will use these

dependent on what ends up being written into

suggestions to help craft their final proposal.

the constitution.

Final proposal submitted

Council will deliberate

Voting for the student representitive will begin

The new council will be in place

Changes to the constitution will come no later than

END OF JULY 2016

JAN 2016

OCT 1ST

JULY

END OF JUNE

MAY 18

MAWSA student president Tom Pringle says

of Tertiary Education, Steven Joyce. Kelly said that Massey’s initial proposal is

Students on all three campuses met with

Draft proposal submitted

four of which will be appointed by the Minister

Trade Me could be unblocked Blocked since 2007, there is discussion by Massey University officials that Trade Me may be unblocked for limited access during university hours. For the past eight years, Trade Me has been blocked across the Massey network, on all three campuses, between the hours of 8am and 6pm. IT services showed that Trade Me took up a high amount of the university’s website traffic. This information provoked curiosity from Massey’s management team as to why it was that high. As IT resources are limited they had to consider if the use of Trade Me at university was justified. They decided that the usage of Trade Me was inappropriate as it was not Massey related. Massey University’s communications director James Gardiner clarified this reasoning: “Internet access on the Massey network is for the purposes of study, teaching, research and work. Trade Me was set up to buy and sell, and did not generally fit within these categories. “Before it was blocked there was evidence that Trade Me impacted negatively on students in the availability of computers in spaces like the libraries and labs if they were waiting to study while others bought or sold items,” Gardiner says. On top of this, according to Massey University’s Internet Use and Digital and Communications Policy, “personal use must not be associated with for-profit activity.” Of course there is the defence that students can use Trade Me between 6pm and 8am, but by then, most of the students have gone home.

MAWSA student president Tom Pringle says “not having access to Trade Me may not seem like a big deal but for students it’s a key portal for searching for flatting options, and with the current flat shortage in Wellington it is another barrier for students not being able to secure flats. “Trade Me is also a great resource for students to buy second hand items, such as furniture and textbooks, which makes the cost of living cheaper, which is always a positive for a student.” Gardiner acknowledges Pringle’s points that students may benefit from access to Trade Me to find housing or jobs, and says that consideration is being given to opening up limited access during university hours. Gardiner states that some individual exemptions have been granted based on legitimate work requirements of staff, and if a student or staff member has a legitimate reason, they can seek access through ITS. YouTube and Facebook are now the sites accessed the most from Massey’s network. Previously, it was Trade Me. Facebook has plenty of sites where you can buy and sell items, such as Vic Deals, and Massey Wellington Deals. These sites do not have the same legitimacy as Trade Me, but they do exist. So why does Facebook remain unblocked? Gardiner states that limiting inappropriate use of Facebook cannot be implemented without having a negative impact on legitimate uses. “Facebook is used as a communication medium, not only between students, but also between students and the university.”

Win stuff! This month we are giving away a double pass to the Auckland Zoo, a double pass to the Wellington Zoo, and two double passes to the Lido Aquatic Centre in Palmerston North. Download the MASSIVE Magazine app to find out how to get in the draw to win. You can download the app by searching ‘Massive Magazine’on Google Playstore, or the App Store. Gardiner says that the other sites that Massey blocks are those hosting objectionable material and those set up to enable sharing of copyrighted material. “If anyone finds that a site they need to access is blocked, they can report the matter to ITS and the block will be reviewed.” Gardiner also suggests that students could use their mobile phone data to access Trade Me, and any other blocked sites. So, until the changes to Trade Me access are made, you have a few options, folks: use your precious mobile data, or go to ITS, tell them you’re homeless, with no job, and hope like hell your reasons are ”legitimate” enough to allow you that special access.

Auckland Campus

Events feed Wellington campus Pink Shirt Day: COCA Concourse, Friday May 22, 11:30 Wear a pink shirt and join in with the activities to help raise awareness for bullying. BAWSSFIT Games: Friday June 12Friday July 10. Power lifting, bodybuilding and crossfit for anyone who’s keen from beginners to competitors. Contact Lydia@ bpmfitness.co.nz for more information. Kokiri Ngatahi Kai and Korero: Wednesdays, 12:00-13:00, Whanau Room Massey Wellington Life Drawing Club: Every Thursday of the semester, 18:00-20:00 Check out www.facebook.com/groups/ MasseyWellingtonLifeDrawing for the location. Anime and Manga Club: Meet Thursdays 17:00 in 5C12. Watch anime, discuss and play games. Free food: Every Wednesday of the semester, MAWSA office. Kaibosh is a food redistribution charity that redistributes food to people who need it. All the food that we get is still usable and aimed at students in hardship. Come get it! Stress-free Week: May 18-24 MAWSA Events Crew are here to make your last few weeks of the semester easier, with chill zones, music, and free stuff on campus. Student Forum: May 20 , 12:00, Flax and Fern Room. Discuss the issues you have with the Wellington campus, and have your voice heard by campus registrar Deanna Riach. Re-orientation Week: July 13-19 – More details to come. Monthly Monday Movies: July 13, August 7, September 5, The Pit. For more information contact Holly: eventscoordinator@mawsa.org.nz Annual Balls: July 24, 25, 28. Get your ticket to the ball now, only $30 from the MAWSA office. Limited tickets available, so get in quick!

MUASSN Employment Event: Tuesday May 19, 4:00pm - 07:00pm, Student Lounge, MUASSN are inviting all students to meet with Skykiwi & Huawei group for information sharing and employment information. Contact Haolin Liang: taobing.hi@gmail.com BSG Meeting: Wednesday May 20, 12:00pm - 01:00pm, QB6 Winter Festival: Monday July 13-Wednesday July 15, Student Central Massey Magic the Gathering Club: ASA Lounge, 17:00 every Thursday Badminton Club: Tuesdays, 17:30 – 19:30 Recreation Centre Sports Hall Ultimate Frisbee Club: Tuesdays, 17:00 – 19:00 Recreation Centre Sports Hall Toastmasters Breakfast Meeting: Wednesdays, 07:15 – 08:30 Student Lounge Saudi Club: Thursdays 19:30 – 21:30 Recreation Centre Sports Hall Massey Albany Football Federation (MAFF): Saturdays 14:30 – 16:30 Recreation Centre Sports Hall Massey University Chinese Basketball Association (MUCBA): Sundays 10:00 – 12:00 Recreation Centre Sports Hall Netball Club: Wednesdays, 17:00-18:00, Recreation Centre Sports Hall Rockclimbing Club: Meet Mondays at 6pm at the carpool car park. Then we head out to Extreme Edge in Panmure, arriving back on campus around 10:30pm. (ASA Van & carpool) We've negotiated a special discounted entry fee of $11 per session. For more info about the club contact James Speedy: mua.rockclimbing@gmail.com James Speedy TSCF Meeting: Wednesdays, 12:00-13:00, AT5. Christians who hang out together on campus. Anyone who would like to find out about Jesus is welcome. Chat, pray, study the bible together, and do social things as well. Chess Club: Tuesdays, 16:00-17:00, Village Campus (opposite Engineering reception) A group of students who get together to play social chess. Beginners or experts are welcome. Contact Jordan.k.lewis@live.com for more information.

Rugby Club training: Thursdays, 17:00, QBE Stadium, Domain 2. Now is the best time to join the Wolves on the field. Both tag and touch teams have room for new or existing players, where you are guaranteed a large amount of field time. For more information check out www. facebook.com/groups/MasseyUniRugby Tennis Club: Wednesdays, 12:0014:00, Tennis Northern, Oteha Valley Road Extension. Come play social tennis with the Tennis Club. $2 pay to play. Coaching available. Rain or shine, as there are indoor courts available. Contact Mua.tennis@gmail.com for more information. Volleyball Club: Sundays, 12:30 – 14:30 Recreation Centre Sports Hall Student Engagement Forum: May 20, 12:0013:00, Student Lounge.

Manawatu Campus Sustainability Club's Third Farmers Market: May 20, 11:00, Concourse:. Featuring Organic Living, Breadloafers, Des's Delights Chezcakes, Budapest Gardens, cheeses, fruit and vegetables, and more. Clubs Council Meeting for all CASC members and interested students: May 20, time TBC, MUSA Lounge. Hear about the MUSA Volunteers, students and building levy and have your input into MUSA. UniQ's Pride Week Events: May 22-28, MUSA Lounge and on Concourse at varying times. Featuring movies, TED talks, board games, and much more. Badminton Club: May 24 and 31 and each Sunday thereafter in the Rec Centre, 2-4 pm. The Badminton Club invites beginners and intermediate players to come and join in some friendly games. Vision Young Adults Encounter Night: May 27, 19:00, 237 Tremaine Avenue. Music, speakers, and socialising with others. Vet Students Association's Quiz Night: May, 29, venue and time TBC. Swimming Club: Saturdays, 13:00-15:00 Regular swimming sessions: Learn to swim, enjoy swimming, and get better at swimming. Lido Aquatic Centre. Contact muswimclub@gmail.com for details. Keep an eye on the Massey University app to keep up with other events as they pop up.

wellington local news

Kaibosh collaboration Kaibosh, a food rescue organisation based in Wellington, now supports Massey Wellington Students’ Assocation (MAWSA), by providing quality, free food to students in hardship. Collecting food seven days a week from local eateries and supermarkets, Kaibosh delivers 10,000kg of surplus food each month to community groups that support people in need, at no cost to the food donors or community groups. Kaibosh was invited to the Volunteer Expo, on campus earlier this year. It was here that student advocate Sarah Miller approached the organisation to explore the possibility of a partnership. Every Wednesday for the past six weeks, Kaibosh have been donating boxes of food to MAWSA. Miller said that Wellington seems to have a surplus of bread so they can always guarantee plenty of that, but they also have had items such as Up&Go’s, One Square Meals, tortillas, scones, bananas, and cupcakes. “In the future we hope Kaibosh’s suppliers will expand, especially so we can get free fruit and vegetables,” Miller said. Miller says the process of redistributing the boxes of food is tricky, as the bread needs to go that day, therefore at the moment it’s a first in, first served proviso. Miller hopes to streamline the process so that students who come to her in hardship can have food

White Out a sell out put aside for them. After those in need have received their share, the rest will be put out for all students. “The idea is that we give it [the food] to students that are in hardship and wouldn’t be able to afford it, as we don’t want to undercut the people selling it.” When determining hardship, Miller discusses the student’s current financial situation with them, and supports them in strategies to be sustainable in the future, such as a budget. Kaibosh’s annual fundraising appeal, Make a Meal in May, is currently underway. All you need to do to make a difference, is to make a meal at home with your friends, donate what you would have spent on a meal out to Kaibosh, so they can put food on the table for fellow Wellingtonians in need. There are also plenty of volunteering opportunities for students which involve collecting, sorting and redistributing the food throughout Wellington. For more information check out www.kaibosh.org.nz If you are in financial hardship please feel free to contact Sarah advocate@mawsa.org.nz to see what she can do to help you out.

The newly formed MAWSA Events Committee’s first event – the White Out Party – sold out, with 300 students snapping up all the tickets to the event, which was held at The Establishment on Friday May 1. MAWSA events coordinator Holly Dodson was stoked with how the event went. “It was awesome, I mean, we sold out on our first ever event, that is a success in itself.” Dodson says the vibe at the party was really fun, with everyone getting really involved, while still behaving. Owner of The Establishment, Andrew Gibson, said the event was very profitable for his business, meaning they are very keen to work with the MAWSA Events Committee to host similar events. Events Day, held on campus on April 23, acted as a hype event for the events to come. The sun shone on the fun day, which featured free food, a sword swallower, a contortionist, games, music, V-pong, giveaways and cream pies to the face for those who were game. 100 tickets to the White Out Party were sold on Events Day. Dodson says this kind of creative promotion may give clues as to why the event was so popular. “Our team decided that if we wanted a successful event, we would need to do more than simply put up a few posters and make an event on Facebook,” Dodson says. 77

STUDENT

GYM

weekly

$15 to join 30 days notice to end Limited time only Valid for enrolled tertiary students  Work out with your mates  Free training programme  Start with a free week trial 5

Building T32, 04 801 2545 Gate C, Massey Uni Wellington

Don’t let Book your flu jab at 0800 466 863 TXT FLU TO 515 student health now! FOR MORE INFORMATION:

National Influenza Specialist Group

WWW.FIGHTFLU.CO.NZ

The influenza vaccine is a prescription medicine. Talk to your doctor about the benefits and possible risks or call 0800 IMMUNE. TAPS CH4221. INSIGHT 6475.

National Influenza Specialist Group

stop you Get immunised.

tussock cafe

OPEN

mon-thurs 8am - 4.30pm fri 8am - 4pm

The Wellington campus traditionally seems to have a low level of student engagement at events put on by the university. When asked why she thinks this particular event was such a hit she put it down to the passionate events team and their ambitious goals. “Having an official Events Committee enables the passionate team to organise quality events to create a better student culture. “It’s something new – we haven’t had the uni do anything at such a huge scale before, where everyone was invited, and so that made it exciting, I think.” Dodson and her team have plenty of exciting events coming up this year, including three balls, Re-orientation Week, Stress-free Week, Monthly Movie Mondays, and much more. Dodson says she is looking forward to organising many events on the same level of hype as White Out, and hopes these events will enhance the university experience for all students. “I hope they [the events] will improve our reputation and our culture as a whole.” Burglaries at The Cube On the night of May 1 and May 2, residents at Massey Wellington’s student accommodation, The Cube, became victims of burglary, after two men entered the building and stole goods, such as laptops, from the apartments. Video footage taken by security cameras shows clear images of a man entering the complex in the early hours of Saturday morning by following residents in after they used their swipe cards to access the building.

He then gained access to apartments through unlocked doors and to bedrooms where goods were taken, again through unlocked doors. None of these incidents were reported to Cube staff on Saturday. He then returned the following night (early Sunday morning) at a similar time, again following residents in and again gaining access to several apartments through unlocked doors. Massey University communications director, James Gardiner, said the recent burglaries at The Cube are under investigation by the police. “Police have been on site, talked to those affected, and staff spoke with the residents of the apartments yesterday [May 3] about what occurred and what can be done to prevent it recurring.” In regards to the need for increased security, Gardiner says that there are already three measures of security at the accommodation block: the swipe card entrance, the lock on the apartment doors, and the lock on the bedroom door. Gardiner states that this incident should be a reminder for residents of the need to be mindful of security, and to ensure their doors are locked. Gardiner adds: “if you don’t know the person who asks you to let them in, you should be asking them questions.” Third year student, Kaitlyn Thornton had her laptop stolen from The Cube in first year. She was across the hallway at her friend’s apartment, so assumed it safe to leave her apartment door unlocked. “Everyone would just leave their door open… it was just what you

did, it felt like a safe community you were living in, I didn’t ever think that my stuff would be stolen,” Thornton said. Her friend, Dayna Northwood, added that a main reason why people didn’t lock their doors was because there was a fifty dollar lock out charge. Assistant community manager at The Cube, Anne Kininmonth, confirmed that this lock out charge still exists. “In the past it has been fifty dollar charge if you were locked out at any time of the day, recently we have changed it so that if you need to be let in during our office hours (8.30am-4.30pm) it is a twenty dollar charge – outside of these hours it is still fifty dollars.” Kininmonth noted that each student had a warning, and were only issued with the fine after that first time of locking themselves out. Both Northwood and Thornton agree that this charge is a deterrent for locking doors. Student advocate Sarah Miller wants students to know that if they do have something stolen, they have the opportunity to receive financial assistance to replace their belongings. “If the items that have been taken will affect their [the students] studies, we can offer hardship grants to them, as we want people to succeed and it’s hard to do your work without a laptop.” You can contact Sarah on advocate@mawsa.org.nz or pop in to the MAWSA office. 99

manawatu local news By carwyn walsh

Welly rolls Palmy in derby battle

Smokefree message goes environmental A novel approach to the Smokefree message was employed as part of Earth Day Celebrations held on the Concourse on March 22. Justine Saunders, the clubs and activities co-ordinator for the Recreation Centre, set up a stall highlighting the multiple effects smoking has on earth’s environment. “Smoking refuse and the smoking industry”, Justine said, “contribute adversely on the environment in all kinds of ways.” The stall sported the usual Smokefree paraphernalia such as stickers and leaflets, but also featured a fact-sheet Justine had put together which highlighted the various effects that smoking has on the environment. One particular piece of information that really underlined this was the fact that cigarette butts can take up to 12 months to break down in fresh water and up to five years in sea water. Many smokers, such as myself, feel pangs of guilt and apprehension upon seeing Smokefree events. Justine allayed all of my fears by revealing, exclusively to MASSIVE, that she was a smoker herself, once

upon a time, before successfully giving up the habit ten years ago. Having been made to feel comfortable, I agreed to take part in an experiment where my blood pressure and heart rate would be taken before and after a cigarette. This was done to show the immediate effect just one cigarette can have. Sure enough, this did occur, with my heart rate and blood pressure both increasing dramatically.

On the night of Anzac Day, Wellington’s Richter City All Stars triumphed over Palmerston North’s Swamp City Roller Rats 174-126 in a bruising match held at the Leisureplex Centre in Palmerston North. The Swamp City Roller Rats got off to a strong start, before being pegged back by the Wellington side, which went into half-time with an 84-70 advantage.

Justine’s stall was one of many, with the Concourse chocker block with a range of exhibitions promoting healthy living and habits for World Earth Day.

The Richter City All Stars, ranked No.1 in the country, continued their dominance over the 3rd ranked Roller Rats, having never lost to the Palmerstonian ladies in all previous encounters.

Passing students also had the opportunity to purchase remembrance poppies and score free sausages on the condition that they filled out a cycling survey.

One of the Swamp Rats, secondyear Massey student Danelle Mercer, conceded that the Wellingtonians are “really fit and fast, so it was hard to keep up.”

For the second time this year, the Sustainability Club organised a Farmer’s Market, which again showed off produce, soaps and all sorts of scrumptious edibles.

“We lost by 48 points” said Mercer, “in a game of derby that isn’t impossible to come back from. That was a hard game; I was a bit battered for a few days afterwards.”

They are hoping to make the Farmer’s Market a monthly event.

Mercer’s body wouldn’t have been the only one suffering aches and pains in the days following the match. Roller derby is played

Councillors come to campus at speed and never lacks in the physicality department. It is a game that not only challenges the body but also traditional gender roles, resembling, at times, rugby on skates. Roller derby is a relatively new sport in New Zealand, with the Palmerston North side hosting the first national tournament in 2012. Since then, the sport has blossomed and now boasts over 25 teams across New Zealand. For the most part, it is a woman’s sport, but recently men have begun taking up the game as well. Part of its attraction is the sense of camaraderie that it encourages. Mercer believes that the game possesses a unique culture: “it’s friendly. After the game we all hang out and go for a drink, everyone is friends off the track, it’s awesome.” Mercer and her Swamp Rat teammates will be quick to dust off their defeat with an upcoming international tournament on the Gold Coast to look forward to in June. Anyone interested in taking up roller derby can take part in ‘Fresh Meat’ trainings hosted by the Swamp Rats every Monday night at 7.30 at Bell Hall on Waldergrave Street. Skates can be hired and you’re more than welcome to simply watch before deciding if roller derby is for you.

Members of the Palmerston North City Council made themselves available to students on the concourse on Wednesday April 22. The event was organised by MUSA and five councillors - Vaughan Dennison, Tangi Utikere, Chris TeoSherrell, Aleisha Rutherford, and Rachel Bowen - who sat on a stage answering a range of questions, before mingling later with students on the concourse taking part in the World Earth Day celebrations. A major area of discussion was the importance of the university to Palmerston North. Reassuring phrases of this nature were bandied about by all of the councillors with seamless ease and abandon. Rachel Bowen spoke of breaking down barriers between “town and gown”. Vaughan “VD” Dennison believed the council could “do more to welcome new students”. Aleisha Rutherford, the youngest member of the council, spoke passionately on the topic. Rutherford urged students to have a greater say in the running of their city, saying that if they didn’t, “councillors will push their own agendas”. Another conversation topic on the agenda was the implementation of the council’s ten-year-plan. Stalinist Russia had five-year-plans; the

councillors, however, reassured students that their ten-year-plan wasn’t anywhere near as radical. Submissions closed on the plan the Friday following the event, however, Rutherford again urged students to “engage in democracy” and take the time to discuss any concerns they had with the council. Chris Teo-Sherrell caused the greatest stir of all the assembled councillors, not only by arriving on a bicycle. Attired in, what I thought a rather dashing pair of stubby shorts, Teo-Sherrell clashed constantly with one member of the audience, who raised the increase in parking-fees on campus. Teo-Sherrell, despite the council having nothing to do with the fee increase, didn’t back down from his assertion that more people in the city needed to be using more sustainable forms of transport. He then stole the show by unveiling an exciting new development: the opening of a new pedestrian and cycleway lane over the bridge. The idea for the upgrade had been, according to Teo-Sherrell, “floating around for 40 years”. It was finally coming into being due to the cooperation of Massey University, the City Council, Central Government and the Defence Force. The new traffic lane should be open to the public by 2018.

Auckland local news By Julia Braybrook

Massey's latest graduates receive their scrolls Just over 1,200 graduates received their scrolls at the recent Auckland graduation ceremonies. Speaking at the first of the ceremonies on April 21, Massey University Council chancellor Chris Kelly challenged graduates “to go forth as Massey alumni to make your own contribution, to grow your own reputation, and in doing so further add to the proud heritage that you are now part of.” He added that it was “an opportunity for the university and your whanau, your friends, your loved ones to recognise the hard work you have done and what you have achieved as a result of that hard work.” Argel Mendoza, who graduated with a Bachelor of Information Science majoring in software engineering, said that that graduating meant “a testimony of all the hard work you put in for the completion of your degree.” “You can literally see that the certificate scroll is made up by your sweat, blood, and tears.” Mendoza, who has been employed for four months as a software engineer, said that graduating was important as “it is one definition of 12

Northern Tertiary Challenge returns the kind of direction you are going to take on when you set foot on the outside world.” Post-graduation, he planned to develop commercial software with colleagues and become an entrepreneur. Speaking about his time at Massey, he said he had “countless of memorable experiences.” “Learning is just one aspect of it. Gaining lifetime friends and colleagues, creating connections, receiving academic awards, utilising student support, to name a few.” He advised current students to “focus more on the learning rather than being hell-bent on trying to pass your degree.” “The former empowers the latter, but the latter can hurt the former. And try to gain friends. You don’t have to be an overly extrovert but sometimes you need that circle for extra motivation.” According to Chris Kelly, at the end of the year, there will be 6000 new graduates, joining the over 130,000 other Massey University graduates across the world.

The Northern Tertiary Challenge is coming up on May 22. Auckland campus clubs’ and activities coordinator, Marusa Pogacnik, said that the all-day sports tournament would see “hundreds of students” from North Island universities “compete in this fun but highly competitive sporting event, with a coveted shield up for grabs.” Pogacnik said that students could expect “a fun but highly competitive sporting event.” “There will be an opportunity to meet students from other universities as well in a really fun environment, especially since all teams are mixed genders. There will be a free BBQ and tug-ofwar challenge for the students competing in the event. An after party is also on the schedule of events for the day.” While registrations closed on April 30, Pogacnik said that they were short on “female students for ultimate frisbee as of right now, so we have a couple more days to look for girls to compete.” This year’s teams included students participating in football, netball, touch rugby, and hockey. She added that “we will have [two] netball teams this year, so netball

3v3 basketball competition hits Auckland campus seems to be the most popular.” Other sports at the tournament include basketball, ultimate frisbee, and volleyball. Pogacnik was involved in one event at last year’s tournament, which was held at the University of Waikato. She said that “the students were mainly participants and did not compete in any of the finals.” “We had a very small team at that tournament.” The event, which is organised by the University of Auckland, AUT and Unitec, provided students with the opportunity to “wear a Massey uniform and represent the university.” “It’s also a great way for students to engage with their fellow classmates outside of the classroom and meet students from other universities.” This year’s tournament will be held at Trusts Stadium in Henderson.

The fourth annual 3v3 Basketball Competition took place on the Auckland campus on April 17. The event, which was organised by Massey University Student Support Network (MUSSN) and Massey University Chinese Basketball Association (MUCBA), hosted teams from several universities across New Zealand, including the University of Auckland and Victoria University. Stephanie Xie, from MUSSN, said that the decision to collaborate with MUCBA in organising the event was because the “majority of MUCBA’s members are basketball lovers, and since MUSSN is fully capable of planning events, finding sponsors and settling external matters, we thought why not!” This year, they “mainly aim to establish the 3V3 “brand” name, we aim to have more students with a passion to play to find out about the events, to take their mind off studies for a day or two and in hopes for them to meet friends of the same interest.” Although profits weren’t donated to charity, unlike last year, Xie said that “hopefully in the future, when MUSSN becomes a more influential team, we would definitely bring charity into the game!”

She said that feedback from last year’s completion had been “great.” “Ever since we put up the 3V3 posters, we received a great number of inquiries, and in my opinion that acts as a great validation of the successes of our game last year.” Xie said that they had “definitely” faced challenges organising the event as “our main priority still lies with our studies.” However, she added that “it was definitely tough but hey we managed, and learnt the importance of scheduling our time.” She encouraged students to get involved as “coming to an event like this enhances a student’s time at university as it allows them to not only improve academic wise but also encourage an active, healthy lifestyle. Also, as an [international] student, it’s an amazing opportunity to expand our social circle and get to know basketball lovers from all over New Zealand.” According to Xie, MUSSN is “a great platform for [international] Chinese students to meet and communicate, also an excellent opportunity for Chinese students to expand their social circle and work with students from other associations.”

THE UGLY TRUTH OF ANZAC DAY Commemorate Gallipoli but don’t celebrate. Carwyn Walsh puts the case forward for remembering the ugly reality behind a disastrous campaign fought, he says, for all the wrong reasons.

Anzac Day is an annual event

There is an official narrative of Gallipoli

Whyte’s sentiments, however genuine,

marked on our nation’s calendar

and World War I that New Zealanders

bear no relation to historical reality.

to commemorate the many New

are brought up with. Occasionally, word

The New Zealanders that flocked to

Zealanders who fell during active

slips out about conscientious objectors

volunteer at the outset of the war were

service.

and other such dissenters, but, for the

volunteering, not for freedom-loving

most part, the official narrative is stuck

little New Zealand, but instead for the

The date correlates with the day that

to dutifully by our leaders and media

incredibly oppressive and undemocratic

New Zealanders landed upon the

alike.

British Empire.

in our country’s history, suffered large

This narrative is as follows: our soldiers,

Sure, New Zealand may have enjoyed

scale casualties during a foreign war.

brave and noble to the last man, died

a parliament and universal suffrage,

shores of Gallipoli and, for the first time

in the name of our freedom, thousands

but this luxury was never extended to

It is a national day of sombre, silent

of miles away from our shores. In doing

the majority of the empire’s non-white

reflection. “Lest we forget” is but one of

this, they unknowingly forged a national

subjects.

the many phrases trundled out annually

identity for our young nation.

so New Zealanders never forget those

The British Empire, as any reader of

that went before them and died fighting

It’s all great stuff and arouses, I’m sure,

history can attest, was more adept at

for the nation.

a nationalistic tingle down the spine

exploitation than it was at spreading

of many patriotic Kiwis. But despite

the ideals of democracy or self-

Unfortunately, “forget” is a rather apt

the truth of too many tragic deaths,

determination.

word for describing the entire occasion.

the clarion call of “freedom” and the subsequent assertion the conflict has

While our soldiers were dying in her

Every Anzac Day we, as a nation, forget

somehow forged our national identity, is

service, Britain savagely put down a

an awful lot. We forget the historical

demonstrably myth.

nationalist uprising in Ireland. Most of

reality of why and what our many

the uprising’s leaders, some unable to

soldiers died for on the shores and

Dying for our freedom is, perhaps, the

support their own body weight, were

slopes of the Gallipoli Peninsula.

most familiar of the annual myths rolled

coldly executed following their capture.

out to justify the horrendous slaughter We also, for one day a year, seem

our nation suffered during the war.

to forget that we live in a democratic

This atrocity pales in comparison to the centuries of crimes committed against

society that welcomes a diverse range

“It makes me feel a little sick to think of

the native peoples of Asia, Africa,

of opinion.

these men, none of whom wanted to kill

Australasia and the Americas.

each other, giving up their lives for our Anzac Day is not a day of real

freedom.”

remembrance. Rather, it is an ugly day of lies and suffocating nationalism.

The attitude of the British Empire towards its subjects is most succinctly

So says Nicola Whyte, a New Zealander

captured in the words of British wartime

detailing her pilgrimage to Gallipoli on

Prime Minister David Lloyd George.

stuff.co.nz.

During the Gallipoli campaign, 2779 of our troops died; more than 16,000 died during the entire war. Telling the truth about what they died for diminishes their sacrifice; the truth makes their sacrifice look pointless.

Following the war, there were short-lived

During the Gallipoli campaign, 2779 of

Despite receiving the support of a

hopes that the world’s nations would

our troops died; more than 16,000 died

noted Australian history professor,

actively engage in mass disarmament

during the entire war. Telling the truth

Philip Dwyer, who labelled McIntyre’s

so as to avoid another great conflict.

about what they died for diminishes their

assertions “simply true”, McIntyre’s

Lloyd George was dismissive of such

sacrifice; the truth makes their sacrifice

employers SBS, inundated with

hopes, reportedly declaring:

look pointless.

complaints from the Australian public, promptly sacked him.

“Britain must reserve the right to bomb

Instead, like John Key, we conveniently

niggers.”

suffer historical amnesia and paint this

SBS issued the following statement:

horrendous loss of life in grandiose It makes for uncomfortable reading, but

hues.

this is the ugly reality of what our troops fought and died for.

“SBS apologises for any offence or harm caused by Mr McIntyre’s comments

The myth surrounding Gallipoli and

which in no way reflect the views of the

World War I lends itself to the ugly

network. SBS supports our Anzacs and

Why then, is this side of the narrative

nationalism that grips our nation every

has devoted unprecedented resources

never told?

year in the lead up to Anzac Day. This

to coverage of the 100th anniversary of

ugly nationalism demands a totality of

the Gallipoli landings.”

Following a walkabout around Gallipoli

thought.

this year, Prime Minister John Key

McIntyre’s sad fate highlights the

offered an opinion that goes some way

The same people, who extol the

gross nationalism that strangles any

towards providing an answer:

“freedom” our soldiers died for, are

reasonable debate over Anzac Day. To

quick to silence any dissenting opinion

question the conduct of our troops or

concerning the event.

question the aims of the war invites an

“They died for a belief in our country and what we stand for and they stood

ignorant backlash from a public long

alongside their Australian mates

This irrational fear of dissent was shown

conditioned with the myth and glory of

and their British mates...the most

recently by our neighbours, when

the Anzacs.

appropriate thing any of us can do is

an Australian sports journalist, Scott

just to look back with gratitude and

McIntyre, expressed his reservations

Unfortunately, this shameful episode

thanks.

about Anzac Day via his twitter account.

isn’t unique to Australia. In New

“To do anything else is to rewrite

In a series of posts, McIntyre drew

Paulin, penned a thoughtful piece for

history.”

attention to the various war crimes

the Nelson Mail, entitled, “On the brink

committed by the Allies and Anzac

of WWI overload”.

Zealand, another journalist, Alastair

troops during the two world wars.

“…true remembrance means that the whole story, not just the one we’re comfortable with, must be told.” Paulin questions many of the myths

ignorance that both McIntyre and Paulin

Instead, he says, “we don’t apologise

surrounding Anzac Day, highlighting the

are subjected to. Our soldiers, anyone

for individuals”.

gross loss of freedoms endured within

would think, were the most noble and

New Zealand during the war. Although,

glorious history has ever known.

again, completely factual, a quick

Doesn’t this paint a pretty bleak picture? Those that died, those that fought, are

scroll down to the comments section

Our soldiers, according to Taupo Times

shows the severity of ignorance and

reporter Luke Kirkeby, “bravely gave

ugly nationalism alive and well in New

their lives for our freedom”. At no point

Atrocities, when committed by the same

Zealand.

during the commemorations is there any

ANZAC’s we dutifully salute, are the

mention of the various unsavoury acts

actions of only individuals.

“This ANZAC day, jump down off your

collectively honoured by the nation.

committed by our soldiers.

political soapbox and take some time

Gallipoli and World War I were horrific

to show some REMEMBRANCE and

Take, for instance, the mass atrocity

disasters and should be treated as

RESPECT for the SACRIFICES of THE

carried out by New Zealand soldiers

such. When other disasters have

FALLEN,” screams one comment.

against a village of innocent Palestinians

occurred in our history, such as Pike

in December 1918. Following the

River or the Christchurch earthquake,

“You Pauline, you don’t deserve the

disembowelment of the Ottoman

official inquiries are held so all the facts

freedom that so many people has

Empire, our soldiers took part in the

can be ascertained.

[sic] fought and died for, you should

occupation of former Ottoman territories

be taught a lesson in humility,” writes

on behalf of the British Empire.

another concerned citizen.

No one investigating these disasters is questioned or accused of political

After one of our soldiers was killed

soapboxing. Instead, the truth is sought,

“You are a disgrace to your family,”

by a robber, our soldiers descended

no matter how horrific it may be.

is the simple summation offered by

upon the village of Sarafand al-Amar

another reader. And on and on it goes.

and mercilessly butchered up to 137

Remembrance is only right and proper.

innocent villagers in retribution.

But true remembrance means that

There are, thankfully, some enlightened

the whole story, not just the one we’re

readers who defend Paulin, but the

When, during Anzac Day, is this story

ugliness of some of the vitriol aimed

retold? Key, despite being only too

at him shows that, for many New

happy pontificating over all our glorious

Then, together, we can all say “Lest we

Zealanders, the truth is either unknown

troops that “died for a belief in our

forget”, and actually mean it.

or just too uncomfortable to stomach.

country and what we stand for”, doesn’t

comfortable with, must be told.

believe even an apology is warranted The one-sided narrative told faithfully

over the Sarafand Massacre.

every Anzac Day breeds the sort of

Overheard @ hsbdUniversity Julia Braybrook discusses how the rise of unofficial anonymous university Facebook pages is helping to create a sense of community among students around the world.

Location: Student Lounge

The page, which posts confessions from

Student engagement was also

Guy 2: “Ah, Bachelor of Arts...I’m

the page was popular among students

University page. DeWet Van der Merwe,

Guy 1: “So what are you doing at uni?” majoring in psychology, but I’m getting really good at drinking.”

With thousands of students getting

all three Massey campuses, said that

as “us students are full of hormones and like seeing love being served up by one of my arrows.”

involved, from Brown University

“Also, doesn’t everyone want to know

university pages on Facebook have

interest in them? Massey cupid is that

to Massey, unofficial anonymous

spread worldwide. The trend, which went viral in 2013, continues to grow, with

interaction flowing in a positive way.”

currently has 23,652 members, and

“when love is in the air, how would

Massey University Cupid, which started

the 1% we do is to keep the student

messenger.”

down in Otago or up in Auckland, these “sharing is caring.”

engagement from students was “99%,

The page, which is by far the most

When asked how students reacted to

pages definitely live up to the mantra:

one of the page’s admins, said that

if maybe, just maybe, someone has an

students at New Zealand universities getting in on the action. Whether it’s

“everything” for the Overheard @

the page, Massey’s Cupid said that

anyone react? Students love seeing

on this page the elements of romance

being mixed up and forming compounds

popular university page in New Zealand encourages students to “post funny,

crazy, hilarious, and stupid things you overhear or see around the campus,” including “photos, videos and the

profound etchings and scribbling you

find on the toilet walls and library desks.”

of satisfaction.”

Van der Merwe said that while he had

those soft souls that are too shy to

The page hadn’t experienced any

about a year, the page was owned by

it anonymously for them to give them

and “feedback is always positive...

in September 2012, is “dedicated to

confess their love publicly...so we share a little push.” The page, which has

currently has 1,313 likes was started “to bring out the excitement secretly brewing on campus.”

“Too many students are too shy tell

the girl/guy that caught their eye what they’re thinking. So we figure Massey

needed a cupid, you know, to spice up the love.”

challenges that Cupid could recall sometimes too positive.”

Student engagement on the page was also “100% important.”

been “mainly in charge” of the page for Mark Ryan, who also ran the Overheard @ Vic and Overheard @ Otago pages. Van der Merwe thought the “pages are a great way to keep the student spirit alive.”

“We rely completely on students sending

“Students love distractions. That’s just

course) their crush stories and heart-

have a sense of community I think.

us (we keep everyone anonymous of

racing encounters, or else Cupid won’t

know who to fire his arrows upon. When posts dry up, page activity dies.”

how it is, but people in general like to Humour and community are great

ways for people to feel connected,

and besides, who doesn’t like seeing

“pages are a great way to keep the spirit alive”

something hilarious and being able to say “Yup! That’s my uni for ya!”

He said that reactions to the page had

“been varied from anger, shock, laughter and a couple of actual disgusting posts.”

Sam Sinclair also said that “just seeing

to start the page, as “Sam and I have

interesting and puts a smile on our

came to uni we wanted to have a way

the variety of posts is so exciting and

faces, we are so proud to see what we have achieved from a small idea that blossomed in a dull stats clinic.”

always been very social and when we to connect the other students and the

happenings around campus, also to get to know a lot more people. We knew other uni’s had this type of page so

“The main reaction however seems

The page, which started in March this

someone who...) and a bit of lash back

Zealand university pages, and currently

Sinclair added that they “wanted our own

that “the biggest challenge was starting

sense of humour and community.”

to be friend tagging (everyone knows when posts stray off topic. Trolling is present, and mostly funny, but so is

spam. We can only do so much with our free time, but the page is important to

year, is the most recent of the New

has 424 members. Montgomery said the page off and making it popular.”

us.”

“We actually told everyone we knew

Van der Merwe said that his most

felt like we were forcing people onto

memorable experiences as a page

admin included “someone using a urinal

in a very wrong way, having a few posts end up on Buzzfeed, and even a couple [of posts] involving police.”

to invite anyone they knew at uni...we the page, but now people are posting,

liking and requesting...So I guess that’s

pretty much we were like ‘why not?”

[Facebook page] for Massey to create a

“Everyone loves a good laugh, and

a chance to share and notice funny/

interesting things, especially when they

are relevant to them (due to the fact that they are students at Massey).”

just what happens when you start. In

Montgomery also said that she thought

days was pretty good.”

the loop’, having a page with a bunch

hindsight, getting 300 members in three

“all the students appreciate being ‘in

of other people in the same boat (uni)

Jess Montgomery, one of the admins

Sinclair also said that “we were

University page, said that “the first time

after making it we already had 100

While the admins hadn’t received

different things within a matter of days,

Montgomery said that “since everyone

on the Overheard @ Massey Albany

some random posted on the page was

the most exciting moment! [Sam Sinclair, the other page admin] and I did a little

dance and went on about how this will be our legacy...It was pretty cool.”

surprised at how fast it grew, just hours members! So many people were posting which was really exciting and good

to see people getting among it, and enjoying the idea of it.”

Montgomery said that they decided

keeps them feeling connected.”

any direct feedback about the page,

is getting involved it’s turned out to be

pretty positive. We’re getting about 10 or so requests a day now.”

“dedicated to those soft souls that are too shy to confess their love

Sinclair said that “we try to make sure

“These pages, just as every other

Sam Sinclair said that all posts on the

posts, to ensure it continues to be of

accountable to our terms. If the content

page were monitored “to ensure they are

there is a reasonably steady flow of

interest, and grow.” Montgomerie added that “at the start it was just my group of friends posting in the page to ‘keep it

active’ but now that it’s become more

popular I’m getting people that I’ve never seen before post really cool things, and it’s pretty exciting.”

“I’m not really concerned with keeping

it ‘active’. If someone has something to

share, they will...If not, then that’s okay

too. This was pretty much just a page to

have a laugh and share uni happenings.” Overseas, these pages have generated

some controversy over brand protection.

page on Facebook, are still completely violates [the terms] we will remove it

and in some cases remove the page

Overheard @ Massey Albany University appropriate.”

entirely...We maintain a robust reporting

She said that “everyone seems to have

offensive or potentially dangerous

Jess Montgomery added that there had

infrastructure to keep an eye out for content.”

There had been no complaints relating to New Zealand university Facebook pages so far.

respected the rules of the page,” while

only been one incident where she had to remove a post. “It was something about a shooting and totally unnecessary and had nothing to do with Massey.”

DeWet Van de Merwe said the

“Otherwise we’ve had people advertise

@ University of Auckland page was

the ‘rules’) but we’re pretty chill and just

main challenge on the Overheard

spamming. “[It’s] annoying but we are getting the hang of it.”

on the page (which is actually against let them do it. We don’t want a strict page...Just something a bit fun.”

A 2013 Reuters article reported that

“Unfortunately we have to become more

Whether it’s cupids or confessions, ‘just

confessions pages “to stop using

don’t follow the rules. I receive several

these pages aim for, and often achieve,

universities in America had asked

school logos and photographs of iconic buildings for fear that outsiders might

mistake the many tales of alcohol-fueled

sexual conquests for an official depiction of campus life.” However, unless the pages violates Facebook’s terms of service, they won’t be shut down,

according to a 2013 article on Buzzfeed.

strict at times to weed out people who

messages a week of people complaining that the content is irrelevant. Those

people are important. It means people care. I would also just like to tell them to use the report function. It makes

something a bit fun’ is exactly what showing that outside class, or in,

sometimes it’s students themselves who

provide the most interesting moments on campus.

life much easier for me to sort out 10

reported posts rather than scroll for ages to find something that needs removing...

Most annoying is when other pages steal original content and post it as their own, but that’s just life.”

LO W- C O S T B E E R S :

A R EVIEW F ROM T HE LIVER Carwyn Walsh Any student worth their salt will at some stage experience the burden of financial pressure. While some will crumble in the face of poverty, others adapt and embrace their destitution, viewing it, not as a hindrance, but as an opportunity. These hardy souls are lucky that, in New Zealand, there are a number of good, honest, working-class breweries who cater to their meagre incomes. Producing a generous range of lowcost, batch-brewed beers not drunk by the wider, image-conscious public, these breweries have found a friend in the student willing to take up the challenge of a drinking life fuelled by their lower-shelf range. While for many, slumming it on these beers is not by choice, some are seduced, not only by the price, but also by the no-frills flavour that all these beers share. In years to come, many an ex-student will look back on their years of low-cost beer drinking with a mix of regret and shame. But there are some,no doubt many, who look back with fondness on this brief window of experimentation that poverty afforded them. Finding themselves alone at some swanky dinner-party sometime in the future, drinking craft-beer from a glass, fingering a gouda cheese and wondering who the fuck they’ve

become, they will allow themselves a sad little smile as they remember a more simple, innocent time. A time of two-minute noodles on bread and single-beds: a time of mouldy furniture and waking at 2pm on weekdays. But what they’ll really remember most fondly is a time in which they were allowed to drink with purpose. Drink without shame. Drink whatever the remnants of their course-related costs allowed. It is high-time, I think, that a loving, yet honest tribute to the many low-cost beers of New Zealand is produced. Run your eyes across it and meet some familiar friends, some fondly restored of their reputations, others given a long-needed and scathing denunciation. Enjoy responsibly.

RHEINECK: THE PEOPLE’S LAGER Kicking off this list is a wee Germanstyled lager launched in the mid-90s with much fanfare. Unfortunately, like many German designs of that sort, Rheineck failed to conquer despite initial success. Of the cheap beers available in our great nation, Rheineck is probably the most userfriendly. Those with delicate pallets will welcome Rheineck’s smooth and unthreatening nature. It possesses a light, watery taste and at only 3.5 percent, is unlikely to embarrass or

prompt an early night call for a taxi. Rheineck has often been cast as a poor man’s Export Gold. This appraisal is somewhat unfair. Rheineck has a unique beauty of its own and earns its title as the people’s lager.

HAAST: NATURE’S WORST The word Haast conjures up images of one of New Zealand’s most idyllic locations. A town set against the natural wonders of the West Coast. You would think, then, that its namesake in beer would share in this majesty, that it would taste like milk pumped straight from mother nature’s generous breast. This summation, however, is as false as it is reckless. Sharing more in common with the Ganges or Manawatu River, Haast is a filthy little bastard with a distinctly unnatural taste. With strong overtones of yeast and aluminium, Haast has left many a drinker doubled over like a Warehouse deck chair. A lager that should have long ago been recalled by any responsible brewery, Haast is only for the truly desperate among us. It has been known to cause acute stomach lacerations and erectile dysfunction, so please, approach with caution.

WILD BUCK: THE NEW KID ON THE BLOCK

BUSHMANS’ DRAUGHT: JUST DON’T

Wild Buck may only be new, but if things continue the way they have been, it could become one of New Zealand’s staple drops. Classing itself as being ‘not fancy or soft, just a good, no-nonsense New Zealand Ale’, Wild Buck has satisfied both the aesthetic and natural thirsts of many a young student. Wild Buck could, however, share the fate of many of its predecessors. Its overwhelming malty tang is hardly distinctive and once the current advertising push runs its course, Wild Buck could find itself sitting glumly in stock clear-outs and hidden in the dark, forgotten corners of liquor-store chillers.

Bushmans’ is never sighted in anything other than a swappa-crate. This is likely due to prompting from the Department of Health, as Bushmans’ really isn’t fit for wider society’s consumption.

Hopefully, Wild Buck escapes this fate because it is an honest, family-values kind of beer that deserves its current popularity. Unlike many of the beers on this list, Wild Buck is available in a range of vessels and is even lucky enough to be on tap in many taverns across the country.

Although it does enjoy a cult following from a dedicated and hearty minority, I’ve never met any drinker of this rank brew who has made it past middle age. These drinkers of Bushmans’ are usually mixed up in some form of devil worship and animal sacrifice, so beware of the man or woman who offers you one. Bushmans’ tastes a lot like your piss would the morning after a night on Haast. That’s about as low anappraisal as I can give. The only beer I know of that has warts growing within the bottle, Bushmans’ Draught should be given the wide berth it deserves.

DOUBLE BROWN: ALL HAIL THE KING Double Brown needs very little in the way of introduction. It is an

established and elegant classic, wellknown to all connoisseurs of low-cost amber. There are still those that remember when Double Brown was available, unaffected by economic seasons like the humble tinny, for a cool twenty dollars for a twenty box. Back in ’09, its makers decided to trim it down to an eighteen box and prompted ugly scenes of civil outrage unseen in this country since the ’81 Springbok Tour. Unsurprisingly, even John Minto got involved. Like Elvis, this king made a comeback and continues, with renewed strength, its long run at the top ofNew Zealand’s lower-shelf. An easily digested malt, warm or cold, Double Brown is unlikely to ever be usurped as the king of all frugally-minded drinkers.

DB BITTER: A NATIONAL SCANDAL DB Bitter, believe it or not, used to enjoy all kinds of acclaim and respect. Back in the day, DB Bitter was drunken by many a happy carouser and even sponsored the newly formed Warriors in the mid-nineties.

But what they’ll really remember most fondly is a time in which they were allowed to drink with purpose. Drink without shame. Drink whatever the remnants of their courserelated costs allowed. But unlike its brother beer, DB Draught, this ol’ bitter has fallen on hard times. Much like the neverspoken-of uncle in the family who breeds budgies from his council flat and wears a plastic bag for a hat, DB Bitter, despite its celebrated history, is looked upon nowadays with a mix of disgust and pity. This state of affairs, in my humble opinion, is exceptionally harsh. Sure, DB Bitter doesn’t have a smooth and silky finish like Rheineck (its aftertaste can be best described as crisp and to-the-point), but nonetheless, if you’re after value for money, you won’t find much better than DB Bitter. A beer illdeserving of its current reputation, DB Bitter surely deserves rehabilitation after all these years spent in lonely disrepute.

BRENNER: DIVISIVE I’ve seen some strong reactions to low-cost beer. Brenner, another German-styled brew, divides opinions as often as it divides livers. Attired in the colours of one of New Zealand’s most cherished gangs, Black Power, Brenner is one beer I simply cannot make my mind up over.

With a thick creamy head that rises faster than Islamic State, Brenner, despite its stout-like density, doesn’t hang around long in the system. You’ll likely find yourself unzipping your fly more often than a peeping-tom if you choose a night on this robust drop. Its bold claim of being a ‘Premium Export Quality’ beer might be slightly overstating its case, but this pale lager continues to enjoy a healthy following. It’s the kind of beer that you either love or hate. I, for one, remain strictly on the fence. It is one of the more economical beers on the market and this alonemeans that it deserves at least one sampling during your academic career.

RANFURLY: THE FINAL FRONTIER The last of the featured beers on this list, Ranfurly is a potent ale that shoots straight from the hip and asks questions - many questions, later. Not a beer for the part-timer, Ranfurly is about as staunch a beer as there is on the market today. Recalling the frontier lifestyle on its label, Ranfurly certainly does take its drinker closer to their more essential and untamed nature.

I once saw a gentleman drinking from a Ranfurly while simultaneously defecating into a flaming brazier. That might have been coincidental, but Ranfurly’s reputation for bringing out the inner beast of its host means it has been responsible for plenty of filthy behaviour. With a taste best described as full-bodied, with a slight hint of cardboard, Ranfurly isn’t for everyone. In its distinctive tall can, it is, however, a popular choice for many students willing to risk their reputations. The brief window of time opened to students should be one in which no end of new experiences is welcomed. Drinking wise, students truly are spoilt for choice. This list, impossible to create withoutsentiment, offers merely a glimpse, and a subjective opinion of many, many cheap beers out there. Before you find yourself at that future dinner-party, glimpsing in disbelief at your open-toed sandals, be sure to have drunken to your full potential. Broaden your horizons, shrivel your liver and indulge yourself while you still can. The clock of respectability ticks down without remorse.

OSCAR MEIN

Split Shifts Wellington, 2014 35mm fIlm

Wizards Donâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t Use Trams Christchurch, 2014 35mm fIlm

Roadside Relief Lewis Pass, 2014 35mm fIlm

Poor Young Batman Christchurch, 2014 35mm film

OSCAR MEIN

Above: Gulls over Gore Bay Canterbury, 2014 35mm fIlm

Left: Cape Foulwind Canterbury, 2013 35mm fIlm

Gulls over Gore Bay Gore Bay, 2014 35mm fIlm

Watch the Clouds Christchurch, 2014 35mm fIlm

Emmy Cape Foulwind, 2013 35mm fIlm

Whether it’s an alarm that never went off, or raining before that 8am lecture, most students have been late to class at least once during their time at university. And while most students try to sneak into class, it’s undeniably a bit of an awkward experience. So what are the lecturers’ and students’ views on lateness? Morning classes were times when students were more likely to be late, according to most of the lecturers interviewed.

However, Eon Lai said that “too late would be half an hour into the class.” Sandy Lim also agreed with a later time, saying that “if it is a one hour class, about 35 minutes is probably too late to show up.” Thankfully, the lecturers interviewed said that lateness usually didn’t affect students’ grades. However Khlyee Quince said “in some of my colleagues who teach smaller classes, lateness may affect marks allocated for attendance and participation.” Jane Allison said that she didn’t keep track of which students came to lectures: “as adults, it’s up to students to decide whether they think coming to the lectures is important or not, and also up to them to deal with the consequences.”

Khlyee Quince, a senior Law lecturer at the University of Auckland, said that “early morning classes are interesting. “Our 8am classes tend to attract those who prefer an early start, and those who are generally disorganised, so missed out on enrolling for their preferred times.” However, she added that “lateness is more common in crappy weather,” especially when it was cold and raining.”

“Although it’s of course annoying if someone comes in noisily and interrupts the flow of the lecture...it only affects their grades in that they will have missed some of the lecture.”

Jane Allison, a senior lecturer at Massey University said that lateness also depended on where classes were located on campus, “particularly in [second] and [third] year when some of students (and lecturers) can have lectures on alternating sides of the campus and simply can’t make the trip in time.”

Most had no policy in place when it came to late students, although Jun Nakamura, a lecturer at Massey’s School of Humanities, said that it depended on students. “If they seem to be less serious, I will ask them about the reason.”

Students also agreed that early classes were times when they were most likely to be late.

Allison also said that “for some classes, especially if I’m asked to, I record my lectures and make the audio files available on Stream too.”

Massey student, Leonard Chen, said that he was most likely to be late on Mondays, while University of Auckland law student Eon Lai said that she was mainly late due to missing her bus. However, while both students and lecturers were in agreement in times students were most likely to be late, it wasn’t the case when it came to deciding how late was too late. Khlyee Quince said that she hated students coming in after the 10-15 minute mark. “Don’t bother coming... you missed the boat buddy – borrow the notes from someone.”

Julia Braybrook spends time discussing attitudes surrounding lateness to lectures.

“The students are always welcome to contact me in person if they would like further explanation of any concepts, whether or not they missed part or all of the lecture. However, if a student missed all the lectures I wouldn’t be very accommodating about giving them a one-on-one version at their own convenience!” They were divided when it came to students letting lecturers know they were going to be late. Quince said that “it is good manners to inform the lecturer ahead of time if they will be late.”

THE LATE DEBATE

However, Vanessa Schouten said it depended on how late the student was. “If a student is going to be substantially late, I prefer them to let me know. If they are only 5-10 minutes late, I don’t mind so much.”

have to run a marathon from one class to another.” She added that “related to this is the problem of lecturers going past their allotted time, cutting into [students’] commute time.”

Allison said that students letting lecturers know “would just be another email for me to delete every day.”

For students themselves, Eon Lai said that “late students aren’t always a problem.”

“I’ll turn up and give the lecture regardless of who is there, and I’ll start on time for the benefit of those who are there, so I don’t really see how knowing that someone will be late will change anything.”

“It depends on how they come in and what they do. If they come in and are being disruptive then that is annoying. I don’t find them too disrupting as long as they aren’t loud.”

When it came to memorable experiences, Quince had many, including one student who came in “late and dishevelled straight from the delivery suite where he delivered his first baby – we all stopped and cheered.”

Sandy Lim agreed, saying that “if they come in quietly to class then it is not too big an issue in terms of disrupting the class however it can be detrimental to their studies.”

She said that other memorable experiences included one student “think they hit the jackpot in an otherwise full class – only to take a spectacular fall through the broken seat, taking down their own stuff and that of several people around them! I’ve had students come in late dressed as Pikachu, Teletubbies and clowns.”

She added that “the main problem about always being late to class (or so late that you don’t turn up) is the amount of material you have missed in class and the hassle of trying to catch up with the work again.”

Quince advised late students to “try your best to be inconspicuous!” Allison said it was best for students to “slip in quietly, don’t disturb the others who were there on time, and if you’re worried that you’ve missed something important, approach the lecturer afterwards to check.” Vanessa Schouten said that her advice would be “try not to be late!” She added that “of course everybody has the odd bad morning from time to time,” and said that “if you are late, try not to be disruptive when you walk in – come in quietly, and sit down quickly.” When it came to getting into a class late, Eon Lai said that “I try to sneak in to class but that never really works...I always feel embarrassed/awkward when I walk in late.” Quince said that late students had become more of a problem in recent years “as the university schedules classes further apart on a growing campus, so students

As for professors who were late to class, Chen said that most of his lectures started on time. “Normally, the professors will inform us early if he or she might be late for the lecture.” Lim added that “sometimes professors have a reason to be late that we just don’t know.” “I don’t mind if they are late so long as they can get through the stuff that is meant to be taught. I think if it’s been 15-20 mins and there is no announcement then class should be cancelled.” Likewise, Lai said that “it is understandable that professors are late to class occasionally, however if it is always occurring them that is very unprofessional of them.” She added that class should be cancelled “maybe about 30 minutes in a one hour lecture...so students don’t have to wait around for the lecturer.” Perhaps unsurprisingly, when it came to lateness, both students and lecturers were mostly in agreement with one another – lateness, while excusable, was something that was best not made a habit of.

Monthly music round up New Zealand Music Month By Paul Berrington

Unknown Mortal Orchestra - Multi-Love (Jag Jaguwar)

band The Labcoats throw a bunch of musical

piano, clippedvocal snippets and staggering

styles in the blender and come out with a

percussion into a shimmering wall of sound.

beguilingly fantastic brew, undeniably their

Throughout Signal Fingers, Webber follows

own. Made up of David Donaldson, Stephen

this same production philosophy, something

Roche (Six Volts), Anthony Donaldson

he has described as “textual collage”,

(Mantarays), David Long (Muttonbirds),

building often haunting compositions out

Toby Laing (Fat Freddy’s Drop) and Riki

of sampled-based sketches sourced from

Gooch (Trinity Roots), the band’s sound has

peers in the Wellington music community. The

been described as a weird mix of melody

surprising arrangement that runs through ‘The

and mayhem. It’s definitely mind-bending

Maryland Goatman’ and the dark ruminations

stuff, complex rhythmically and constantly

of ‘BADSPIRIT’ stand out most, but overall it’s

challenging, yet as with much of the musicians

an excellent release by the Sonorous Circle

work in other groups, imbued with a sense

collective, fusing pure experimentation with a

of humour and a celebration of the absurd.

warm overtone.

According to founding member Ruban

O Potassium sounds like Ornette Coleman,

Nielson, Multi-Love is the result of their

Fela Kuti, and Captain Beefheart hanging

improved positive outlook on life. While most

out for an afternoon, drawn to each other’s

of the songs are still Nielson’s creations, the

ideas, inevitably making something bold and

recording process involved the other band

new. Of course, with this sort of experimental

members a lot more in the new album, and

music, the players have to be precise, and the

it shows in the often groove-orientated new

talent on the display throughout the album is

material. The lo-fi psychedelic-pop sound of

outstanding; from squawking jazz to mutant

their previous album II is still in evidence, but

loops, strange vocals, and detuned banjos,

songs like ‘Necessary Evil’ and ‘Ur Life One

this is daringly abstract music that is also

Night’ capture Unknown Mortal Orchestra in

surprisingly listenable and never anything less

a funky mood – lively and up-tempo. Further

than good fun.

Esther Stephens & The Means - Esther Stephens & The Means (Self Released)

highlights include the title track, a near perfect organ driven 60s pop song, and the

Multi-talented Esther Stephens established

rugged and angular ‘Like Acid Rain’, which

herself as a guest singer and collaborator

pushes things out into 13th Floor Elevators-

on music from Home Brew, Isaac Aesili, and

like territory. Oozing class from start to finish,

Sola Rosa, and of course on TV screens

Multi-Love confirms UMO as not only one of

as part of the Go Girls cast. Now based in

this country’s best, but also one of the most

Melbourne, but still spending much of her

exciting bands on the contemporary indie-pop

time in New Zealand, her debut album with

scene.

The Means, a trio consisting of Abraham Kunin, Marika Hodgson & Tom Broome, is a downbeat breath of fresh air. Soulful, jazzy,

Paperghost - Signal Fingers (Sonorous Circle)

alternative-pop, the record is never going to break any new boundaries, butit’s not the sort of music that needs too much, and the quality musicianship and worthy singing makes up for

The Labcoats - O Potassium (Rough Peel Records) Never afraid to make a racket, Wellington

Zach Webber, aka Paperghost, is perhaps

any lack of originality. The best songs, ‘Cloud

a name most of you wouldn’t have heard of,

Shape’ and ‘Chasing the Sun’ for example,

yet given the quality electronica showcased

sit somewhere between Sharon Jones and

on Signal Fingers he’s an artist to watch

Amy Winehouse, Esther’s vocals perhaps

evolve, whose music sits somewhere between

a little more obscure and moody. As a trio,

modernist-composer Philip Glass and IDM

The Means keep things tight and swinging,

innovators Autechre. As soon as the opening

keeping the easy vibe of the album to the

strains of the fantastically titled ‘The Once

fore, and never overpowering Esther’s gentle

Great City Cannibalising its Smaller Buildings’

musings. More sophisticated than you might

hit your ears, it becomes clear that Webber

think, this laidback album is a total treat.

is in complete control of his method, layering

Film Reviews by Paul Berrington

Director: Damon Gameau

Any thoughts that a film about the dangers of sugar might be a stretch at feature length dissolve fairly quickly in Damon Gameau’s excellent documentary That Sugar Film, in which the Australian director enthusiastically tackles his topic head on, signing up for a 40 teaspoon a day fix of refined sweetness to make his very necessary point. Healthy, happy, Damon Gameau is a man who eats well, exercises every now and then, and would normally never touch processed food. So when in the same method as Morgan Spurlock’s documentary Super Size Me, he starts taking in 40 teaspoons a day of sugar, not from junk food, but from products regularly marketed as healthy, the results on his body are devastating, putting him in danger of life threatening diseases in just a matter of weeks. Showing how foods – breakfast cereal and muesli bars for example – contain sugars that cause sensations similar to drugs, harming our liver and other organs, and how reduced fat foods often replace fat with sugars, leaving us hungry, and our release of insulin in state of confusion. While this might sound scientific, Gameau brilliantly brings the subject to life, employing celebrities like Stephen Fry and Hugh Jackman in theatrical set pieces, and generally using quirky humour throughout to incorporate his findings. Clever animations also help, and a solid explanation of his methodology leaves little doubt about his integrity. Beginning with a shot of a sugar plantation to the sounds of Depeche Mode’s ‘Just Can’t Get Enough’, That Sugar Film is full of shocking truths, and remarkably lighthearted ways of getting those points across. Part of the key to this is Gameau, a wellestablished actor, he comes across well on screen, drawing laughs but trivialising his subject. Some incredible facts arise – only 20% of supermarket shelves would be

stocked without sugar saturated products; an American teen suffering from ‘Mountain Dew mouth’ and needing his teeth completely removed due to decay; the industry standard ‘bliss point’ that allows for the perfect amount of sugar to provoke a ‘buzz’ without putting customers off. Gameau uncovers a frightening addiction to sugar that is causing more than a few fillings, and it is truly scary stuff, yet he also does well to remind us that any of these problems are reduced from fresh foods and a balanced diet. The fact his health deteriorates without touching a fast food restaurant, or eating a chocolate bar, gives the film a real impact, and overall it’s a far better film and more ethical than SuperSize Me. Further proof that documentarians are the true ‘fourth estate’ of modern journalism, Damon Gameau’s That Sugar Film has to be seen by everyone, families, students and those within the food industry, and makes a big statement for change. It’s a clever and entertaining film, and worthy of big screen viewing.

LEVIATHAN (2014) Director: Andrey Zvyagintsev Starring; Alexei Serebriakov, Elena Lyadova, Roman Madyanov, Vladimir Vdovichenkov and Sergey Pokhodaev

The Leviathan of Andrey Zvyagintsev’s film is the crippling and corrupt bureaucracy of local government in Putin’s Russia, as a simple car mechanic in the country’s North East battles to save his house from being sold under his feet, his task made impossible by machinations of so-called progress. Kolya (Alexei Serebriakov) owns a rundown property with commercial value in the Russian town of Teriberka, a coastal settlement in the country’s far North East. Struggling to keep his family together, things take a turn for the worse when mayor, Vadim (Roman Madyanov), manipulates a corrupt ruling to under-value Kolya’s home, leaving him with few options and nowhere to turn. Kolya’s wife Lilia (Elena Lyadova) is also struggling, disinterested and alienated

by her environment, while his teenage son to a previous marriage, Roma (Sergey Pokhodaev), spends his time drinking in an abandoned church. Watching as his life slips away, Kolya, enlists the help of Dmitri (Vladimir Vdovichenkov), a friend from military service who is now a lawyer in Moscow, and he attempts to put things right by blackmailing Vadim, which seems to work well at first, until an affair between Lilia and Dmitri and a mock execution sends Kolya’s problems into a downward spiral. Using the brutal realism of society in Putin’s Russia, a large dose of irony, and the stunning landscapes of the sub-arctic regions, Zvyaginstev’s film is as compelling a tragedy as you will see, a biblical story (the Book of Job) updated for the ruthless social contracts of contemporary life. Unflinchingly detailing Kolya’s downfall, the screenplay contains some devastating scenes, but also some very humorous ones. Take for example the monologue in court, in which Kolya and Dmitri realise they have no grounds for legal appeal, or a vodka-fuelled picnic where Kolya and friends make target practice out of formal paintings of ex-Russian leaders. These scenes may seem contradictory, yet the skill Zvyaginstev shows in connecting the social and political lives of his characters is subtle and precise, and his approach makes his characters utterly believable, while also intensifying the drama of their situations. Serebriakov is excellent as Kolya, not the most likable of men, but also a man whose patriarchal position is being compromised by the reality surrounding him. The cast are excellent throughout, and Madyanov is perfectly cast as the sleazy and slimy Vadim. The icy landscape is also put to good use, and there is rarely a shot out of place, with Mikhail Krichman’s cinematography absolutely stunning, blending elegant wide angles with tightly framed shots of the human drama as it unfolds. The work of a true modern master, Leviathan is a film rich in meaning that never gets lost in pretentious symbolism. While the tone of the film suggests there will be no hopeful outcome from the very first shot, there is more humour and tragedy here that many filmmakers might never achieve, making it a rewarding work that really needs to be seen on the big screen.

Slow West (2014) Director: John Maclean Starring; Kodi Smit-McPhee, Michael Fassbender, Caren Pistorius, and Ben Mendelsohn.

Offering an alternative vision of the American West, John Maclean’s debut Slow West has been described by the director as a tale of young love, yet with majestic photography and a moral heart. The film is also as elegantly traditional and impressionistic as some of the very best Westerns. On the trail of a lost love, Scottish 16-yearold Jack Cavendish (Kodi Smit-McPhee) is helplessly traversing the American West in 1870, a virginal presence in a harsh and deadly world. Taken under the wing of

mysterious cowboy Silas Selleck (Michael Fassbender), poetry-quoting Jack is searching for Rose Ross (Caren Pistorius), who is headed for the middle of nowhere with her father after an incident back in Scotland. Yet little does he know that Silas has other motives, and he isn’t the only one with those same ambitions, with Payne (Ben Mendelsohn) and his gang following their trail closely. As the pair cross the American Frontier together, Jack’s optimism begins to change Silas’ cynical outlook on life, making his choice between guardian and bounty hunter increasingly difficult, and setting up a final act in which that decision inevitably must be made. There are many things to like about Slow West: the script is impeccably crafted, with barely a misplaced scene or piece of dialogue, and writer/director Maclean is completely in charge of his material. Filmed in New Zealand, and without an established American actor in sight, there is originality to Maclean’s interpretation of the West, one which he occupies with Scots, Swedes, and Irish, all aliens seeking a way to stay alive and profit along the way. Sitting somewhere between the Coen brother’s True Grit and

BOOK REVIEW: By Louise Wong Authors: Jessica Stern and J. M. Berger

ISIS, ISIL, IS, the Islamic State, whatever you call it, this group has been dominating a large part of the world’s news agenda for months now. In this book, terror experts Jessica Stern and J. M. Berger acknowledge the militant group’s ever-changing, everincreasing grasp on different communities. The authors discuss the ways in which the Islamic State has moved from being an arm of Al Qaeda, to how it uses social media as one of its major tools to spread its message and recruit followers from across the globe. I’m not gonna lie, this is a bit of a heavy read, so prepare yourselves, fellow book readers.

Jarmusch’s Dead Man, the film successfully blends black humour and stylised violence, condensed through a humanist approach, Maclean’s mix of action and fatalism packing an emotional punch. Flashbacks to Jack and Rose’s time in the Scottish highlands further emphasise how out-ofplace the gentle natured young man is in his brutal surroundings. As the relationship between Jack and Silas grows, touching scenes, such as a first shaving lesson, are brought to life with great skill by Fassbender and Smit-McPhee, their bond seeming entirely natural to the viewer. Mendelsohn’s creepy and conniving Payne allows for another fine performance from the indemand character actor; Caren Pistorius is also terrific as the strong-willed Rose. New Zealand audiences will enjoy spotting various local actors in small roles. Enjoyably refreshing yet still functioning as a genre piece, Slow West is an elegant debut from a talented filmmaker. Visually compelling and oddball enough to keep you guessing, the central storyline is also touchingly endearing, allowing the quality cast to deliver excellent performances.

The book is divided into 11 chapters, outlining the history and rise of the Islamic State (in particular how the group changed under its new leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi, who came into power in 2010), its different recruitment tactics and message dissemination, as well as its goals and the potential future. The authors provide glossary, timeline, appendix and notes sections, all of which prove very helpful in understanding the background or definitions of certain Islamic concepts and conventions. While the different chapters are helpful in helping readers understand the authors’ analysis of the jihadi group in different categories, this ‘separation’ of sorts does result in a decent amount of repetition. Also, does anyone else have trouble with remembering names when they are mentioned several paragraphs (or chapters) after the person has been introduced?

This book has its strengths in its thorough analysis of the way ISIS has used social media in its ventures. The introduction of this book definitely drew me in, in its description of an ISIS video depicting the beheading of American journalist James Foley, which was the first beheading of a known Westerner by the terror group. I appreciate Stern and Berger’s arguments in the last chapter regarding recommendations for moving forward in the battle against the Islamic State, suggesting a shift in the way ISIS’ messages are viewed by the general public, and call for the creation of a social environment where extremists’ efforts are hindered. All in all, I’d say this is a good informative book. But I have to admit, at some points I found myself re-reading parts because my eyes had glazed over. Patience is a virtue amigos.

LOCAL TRAVEL An insider’s guide to Nestled between the majestic State

on my own hands, I have compiled a

head backwards. This will be taken as a

of the Hastings industrial zone, the

the customs and delights of Flaxmere

their challenge and are pleased to have

tourism in Flaxmere

Highway 50 and the sprawling expanse suburb of Flaxmere has become an

unlikely tourist hotspot of late, one that has taken many in the tourist industry by surprise. Having been raised

there myself, I realised long ago that Flaxmere’s charms couldn’t remain

simple-to-understand insider’s guide to that should see most tourists pass through without too much bother.

The Flaxmere Stare: What’s that about?

secret forever. Those sweet days of

Probably the first hint that you’re no

every weekend brings with it all manner

facial expression some of the locals

keen to soak up Flaxmere’s unique

To those alien to Flaxmerian culture,

ignorance are now only a memory, as

longer on the wine-trail is this infamous

of yoo-hoos and middle-class dandies

will undoubtedly direct towards you.

flavour.

it might appear intimidating and a sign

Some locals are more than happy

experience, it is neither. The Flaxmere

the much needed economic boost

in Flaxmere and is something that is

remain unconvinced and eternally

peer-groups of Flaxmerian youth. A

outsiders. For myself, and those

is seen to have mastered its execution,

these people are little more than

a man.

manufacturers who have to be seen

Its real purpose is as a challenge to test

they can vote Labour with a little bit of

reasons. One should never shy away

Stare has a long and celebrated history

it provides; others, myself included,

practiced and heavily critiqued among

suspicious of these mysterious

local rite of passage, when a local boy

inclined to my way of thinking,

he is then considered to have become

among the people once in a while so

that you are in Flaxmere for legitimate

‘dirt’ under their fingernails.

from it by looking towards the ground.

As divided as opinion is, I think it would

one staring at you. It will suggest to

Flaxmere for these adventure tourists,

and, believe me, you will not be given

Flaxmere, with all its infinite charm

for your apparent cowardice. The best

place for the uninitiated; a place where

your challenger, make eye contact for a

custom can lead to ugly scenes and

your eye-brows simultaneously in an

This will be taken as a slight by the

be foolish not to provide a guide to

them that you have something to hide

if only to cleanse my own conscience.

the luxury of a reasoned explanation

and diversity, can also be a dangerous

advice I can give is to stare back at

one slip of the tongue or insult to local

fleeting moment, before slowly arching

bloodshed. So as not to have any blood

upward motion, all while tilting your

made their acquaintance. You will then

be left to carry-on your away and about your business.

What’s there to eat in Flaxmere?

that you’re unwelcome. Speaking from

with this sudden influx of tourists and

adventure tourists: shameless image-

friendly sign of intent, that you have met

Upon entering Flaxmere’s warm

embrace, you may find yourself feeling a touch peckish. If so, then you are in

luck, as there is many a suitable eatery to choose from. One crucial point to

remember, is that you’re not exactly in the south of France, so if you’re into fine dining and drinking wine from a

glass, then you have probably made

a wrong turn somewhere. If, however, you are a connoisseur of wholesome, no-frills eating, then Flaxmere is the place for you.

There are many Chinese and Fish ‘N’ Chip outlets in the main village of Flaxmere which all carry very

reasonable food hygiene ratings. If

you’re feeling particularly moreish, then you can always make your way to the local service station, where you will

find award-winning lasagne toppers:

There is, of course, a licensed premise

bodily pleasure, local dairies stock a

competitive prices. The crème de la

Flax Tavern, known locally as the

magazines. There are a number of

warmed daily and available at very

crème of Flaxmere dining is, of course, the world-renowned New World Size

8 rotisserie chicken. Slow-cooked in a plastic wrap and bursting with grease

and flavour, these little beauties have

long been a staple-dish among locals. Word has, however, got out and their new-found popularity has led to their mass-production. I, for one, feel that

their quality has been hugely diluted by

in Flaxmere, the cosy and homely,

‘Flying Jug’. But if you want to bypass extravagance and pub prices, there

are many wholesale liquor stores to

choose from along with a vast selection of public drinking spots. If I’m being

honest, I’ve always been pretty partial

to Flaxmere Park, with its acres of finely groomed fields and serenely pleasant duck-pond.

this. Nevertheless, they are a must if

The laissez faire attitude of most

experience.

makes for a truly magical atmosphere

you are after the authentic Flaxmerian

Flaxmere Liquor Laws: Open to interpretation.

truth, if alcohol is your favoured vehicle of intoxication, then Flaxmere is the place to be. It matters little if you’re

into beer or bourbon, Flaxmere and Flaxmerians in general have a very

liberal attitude towards public drinking, whether in moderation or excess. The

apathetical attitude shown towards antiliquor laws is one of the major reasons

for Flaxmere’s emergence as a holiday destination. A weekend of unhinged

hedonism fuelled by alcohol is not only tolerated by locals such as myself, it is in fact, actively encouraged.

Library offers a wide range of Mills and Boon romance novels and a

great array of bean-bags to recline in. However, it must be noted that public

self-molestation of any kind will not be tolerated within the library premises, particularly during opening hours.

feel Flaxmere’s unique culture is being

where the utterances of any self-

righteous prohibitionist are emphatically ignored.

Much like the accommodation industry,

ignored and very rarely enforced. In

more intellectually inclined, Flaxmere

of self-indulgence, an environment

which ban the consumption of alcohol

New Zealand, these bi-laws are largely

tranquil spot for self-relief. For the

Thus concludes my insider’s guide to

The Red-light District

in public places. Unlike most places in

public toilets which offer punters a

Flaxmerians towards public drinking

Like most places in New Zealand, Flaxmere has strict liquor bi-laws

pretty decent selection of pornographic

the comfort game is still in its infancy

in Flaxmere. If you’ve come to sample local produce, I’m afraid you’ll be left largely disappointed. While many Flaxmerians exhibit a very liberal

attitude towards alcohol, the same

cannot be said for whoring. At best,

opinion on the issue is mixed. Whilst

the sudden influx of weekenders has

Flaxmere. While some, such as myself, watered down by the sudden flow of

outside cash, there will always remain a quiet and unflinching essence to the

place that no amount of investment will ever likely change. A quietly dignified

spirit lingers in the air of the place and within the soul of every Flaxmerian,

living and dead. If the sudden fancy

to visit Flaxmere suddenly overcomes you, then please try and adhere to

local custom. If not for your own selfpreservation, then at least to try and salvage what is left of its charm.

By Carwyn Walsh

led to an increased demand for sensual delights, this hasn’t thus far led to

any semblance of a red-light district.

A pronounced conservative streak is

highly evident within Flaxmerian culture on this issue, something that leaves many a tourist baffled.

If you’re truly desperate for a bit of

What an ice place to study! When deciding on places to study, it’s not often that Antarctica comes to mind as a viable option. University of Canterbury gives its students the opportunity to undertake a 14-week study programme, which includes two weeks among the penguins and seals, surrounded by ice, freezing temperatures, and breath-taking beauty. For Marcus Arnold, there really was “snow” better place to undertake his post-graduate studies than in the southernmost continent. Marcus, a Bachelor of Environment Science graduate, was inspired to pursue his Masters in Antarctic Science after completing part of his post-grad in Antarctica Studies on the continent last year. Marcus has always had a strong interest in the Polar Regions, glaciers, and adventuring. While completing a semester of study in Iceland in 2012 as part of his undergraduate degree, he took a paper on glaciology, glacial geology and visited Greenland and Svalbard, which inspired him to pursue a career as a polar scientist. He says his time studying a Postgraduate Certificate in Antarctic Studies course and living in Antarctica cemented this dream. “I have always had a particular fixation with Antarctica and when I found out about thecourse I knew it was for me,” he says. According to the University of Canterbury’s website, the certificate course is a 14-week, in-depth multidisciplinary programme critically examining “contemporary scientific, environmental, social and political debates focussed on Antarctica and the Southern Ocean”.

They would then set off on their daily activities. These included lectures about everything from life and physical science, history, politics, conservation, law, to tourism, art, and photography. “The 14-week intensive course really encompasses every aspect of the Antarctic,” Marcus says. “These lectures provided a foundation of knowledge for us to undertake a geology, glaciology and biology field trip where we wrote up field reports based on our observations. “We also completed an environmental monitoring assessment for Scott Base which is added to a long term database.”

Antarctic field training and the experience of living and working in a polar environment are integral components of the programme.

After the activities, they would return to camp, prepare dinner and chill out – pun not intended. Marcus says he spent his spare time taking photographs and enjoying “the silence and endless white”.

Marcus would start each day by struggling out of his tent “looking a little bit like a seal coming out of a breathing hole”, he says.

He recalls two memorable experiences from his time in Antarctica. The first was the day when the group counted seals on the sea ice.

He would then head to the kitchen, which the team created using “ice saws and a lot of hard work”.

“There were so many seals and we were able to get reasonably close to them,” he says.

Using the gas stove, he would then melt some snow for his morning coffee and have breakfast. The group would then be briefed about the day’s plans. In these daily meetings, the group contacted Scott Base via radio for information about weather and travel restrictions.

“You really got to see their personalities and behaviour. Behind the seals was the beautiful backdrop of Ross Island, with dramatic, crevassed glaciers and Mt. Erebus looming above.”

Another unforgettable experience was climbing up Crater Hill – situated just behind Scott Base – with two of the others from the group.

“It’s a really easy climb, but the views at the top are incredible! It was a perfect day – no clouds, no wind, and warm! “We could see endlessly in every direction, from the massive Royal Society Range Mountains to the McMurdo Ice Shelf, to Mt Erebus.” The group of 16 ventured to Antarctica in late December, meaning they got to experience a true white Christmas. “I was awoken by my fellow classmates singing Christmas carols outside my tent! We had a day of relaxing and having fun - I spent quite a long time out on the cross country skis and playing in the snow - it was snowing on the day,” Marcus says. “A delivery arrived from Scott Base by Hagglund (an allterrain vehicle) with the drivers dressed up as Santa/elves. They brought us a big Christmas lunch and we had a few beers with lunch inside the main tent. I spent the rest of the afternoon preparing my snow cave to sleep in for the night.” With no permanent population, and mostly only scientists temporarily based there, it may sound strange that Marcus found it difficult to get any time alone. “Because there are very few places that you are allowed to go alone (for safety reasons) it is actually quite hard to get away,” he says. Although winter temperatures can drop to -80 degrees Celsius, Marcus says he wasn’t too bothered by the cold, though “losing a single glove or a single sock was frustrating”! Marcus highly recommends this programme, saying staff dedicate an enormous amount of time to ensure students get what they want out of the programme. “It doesn’t matter what background you have, if you are passionate about Antarctica and want to learn more, and visit Antarctica itself, then I believe that is reason enough. “If you wish to start a career in polar research, then I believe PCAS is an excellent starting point to do so.” The experience has motivated Marcus more than ever to pursue a career in Antarctic research. It has given him an appreciation for the continent and how any changes there affect the whole globe. It has also inspired him to educate people about Antarctica. Subsequently he has started working at Christchurch’s International Antarctic Centre. On top of this he is currently undertaking his Master’s. His dream of becoming a polar scientist is looking right on track.

Photo crediT Marcus arnold 39

FOOD BLOG Sasha Borissenko

Salted Caramel Cookies For Easter, instead of venturing home (sorry mum) I managed to escape to the West Coast of the South Island with a group of friends. It was bloody glorious. Nature eh, I’m literally allergic to it (hay fever) but I love a good boulder-hop. On the Thursday night we went to Pak’N’Save. Perhaps it was the tiredness or the daunting task of having to choose the best selection of cheeses that prompted me to faint, deliriously purchase a bag of nuts and a pear and eat my vices while sitting on the Pak’N’Save toilet. Very bizarre, but hilarious in hindsight. Anyway, it was there that I decided to try and make salted caramel cookies. Why? Why not! Also, I thought they would be perfect for my inaugural cooking vlog for Massive Magazine. Any excuse for a bit of fun, amIright? For more frivolously fun recipes check out doilydarlings.blogspot.co.nz Download the Massive Magazine app for the link to Massive Magazine’s new food vlog.

Block of Whittaker’s

1 ¾ C flour

1 egg

Splash of vanilla

1C chopped caramel chews

½ tsp baking powder

170g butter

Pinch o salt & coarse salt for sprinkling

½ tsp baking soda

¼ C sugar & ½ C packed brown sugar

In a bowl, mix the butter, sugar, and egg. Add the dry ingredients. Once everything is mixed together, add the chocolate. Roll into balls and place on a baking tray. Sprinkle salt over these little wonders. Biff into a 180 degrees Celsius oven and bake for 15 - 20 minutes. What a bloody ripper!

REPRESENTATIVE CHIC Campbell Live-gate Woah, the new cost-cutting “multi-media platform, blah, blah” Paul Henry show. Woah #SaveJohnCampbell. Is the New Zealand media industry imploding before our eyes? Yes. Ahem Phil Kitchin and Paula Bennett? Ahem Rachel Morton and Steven Joyce? And what’s this female exodus about? What is going on? But Campbell Live? Really? That head, that strangely shaped and yet glorious head. That suit and nondescript tie combination seven days a week! What will New Zealand do?

Mana News’ Joe Trinder attempted to see the wood through the trees, suggesting that Campbell Live would be getting the cut just a day after they “helped Unite Unions zero hours contracts. Burger King has stopped all advertising with MediaWorks”. “This suggestion to terminate Campbell Live after 10 years on air is politically motivated. Campbell Live is hardhitting investigative journalism that reveals when Kiwis are being treated unfairly and fights for the underdog.” What’s the answer, therefore? Lefties across the country are pledging to “tune in” but are we neglecting to notice that big white elephant in the room with the rise of Broad City and

Netflix in general - what leftie in their right mind would own, let alone watch a television?

To quote the NZ Herald’s “gossip gals”, “the only way Campbell Live can be saved is by people watching the show, a media commentator has said.” “Regan Cunliffe, the director of TV website Throng, said it was a logical commercial decision given the “massive” decline in audience which wasn’t sustainable for TV3. “In 2013, the show was averaging an audience of 382,000. But in the same period this year it was drawing 191,000, Mr Cunliffe said. “He said when Seven Sharp launched in 2013 TVNZ “gifted MediaWorks a massive opportunity”. But since a revamp of the show with Mike Hosking, Campbell Live hasn’t been able to beat it.” And “there’s no telling how large Mike Hosking’s erection is right now”, according to the Civilian. Gross, but amazing satire. And we all know who National Party MP Todd Barclay is “rooting” for:

According to stuff, the youthful Nat promptly deleted his Facebook comment. “I took it down because it was fuelling the fire ... it was meant to

be a light-hearted comment to stir a bit of debate. “At the end of the day I watch Campbell Live from time to time, [and] I watch Seven Sharp from time to time. “It was never intended to be a nasty comment against Campbell Live,” he said.

But that hasn’t stopped ol’ John Keyburgers getting on board, who described Campbell Live as “entertainment”. “Key told Newstalk ZB...that the show would not be a loss for democracy as the show’s role was geared towards entertainment although he also said he does not really watch the show.” Woah, BURN. But perhaps the wise cat has a point. What has happened to journalism? Cost cutting, redundancies, #rightfirsttime et al- we’re having to bite our tongues raw with this can of worms/words. So instead we’ll reel it in with assurances from “our mate John” that there’s a light at the end of the tunnel and that New Zealanders are indeed getting their news. “For most people they’ve seen [the news] on the Herald or Stuff website, they’ll get their newsfeeds on Twitter and Facebook - we’re so much better informed.” Well thank God for that. #vivalafourthestate Thank you to Google images once again. For more political fun, see representativechic.com 41

Uni Mum How to avoid expulsion and still have a good time.

I am your surrogate Uni Mum (“I’m not a regular mum, I’m a cool mum”) here to offer sound advice (and virtual hugs) about anything to do with university life. From the flatmate who steals your clothes, to the test you will cheat on, to your cunning plans to bang that babe down the hallway, and everything in between. If you have an issue you would like me to cover, just flick me an email (editor@massivemagazine.org.nz) and I will be sure to write about it next month. As a third year and somewhat out of date student, the first year halls and their happenings are fond and distant memories for me. How delighted I was to hear through the grapevine how disgusting and irresponsible you are all being this year! Smoking inside, sneaking in boys, partying past curfew, ringing RA’s doorbells and running... juvenile delinquency at its finest!

Halls: leaving the familiarity of school and for most of you, the loving grip of your parent’s arms, for the very first

time, to be chucked into a grotty block with new and exciting people from all over the place. There is also a legacy to live up to, urban myths and legends from past hostel residents. There is always the burning human desire to one up previous residents, trump older brothers’ stories and go down in history as the people who truly destroyed the halls. But there is one thing that is easy to forget in the pandemonium of hooliganism: the halls you live in are owned by your university. That’s right, getting kicked out a flat by your landlord is one thing, but getting expelled from your university for being a menace in your home is another. Is one magical night on the piss really worth your education, as well as your parents hard earned cash? Or, even worse, a loan from Studylink that you will be paying back for the rest of your life? I think not. However, I know you just won’t simply stop, so I came up with some ways to have peak destructive fun and not face expulsion.

1. Find some older and looser friends

There is always a group at university that refuses to grow up, clean up, and sometimes even wake up. These flats usually consist of five to eight boys who did not get into Otago Dentistry and instead, have taken up their other passion at university, art or commerce. If they cannot go to Otago, they will bring Otago to them. They are the ones who have loose parties in their mould-spored flats, never cleaning up afterwards, and often forgetting to payimportant bills such as power. A flat I know of once had a whole defrosted salmon in their sink for over a week, delish parties that week. They are kind and often stoned souls, the sort of person that you will buy a beer for as a “thank you for allowing me to assist in destroying your flat last weekend” gift. Find these people, and learn a little from them. Go to their parties, and make sure you always buy them a pint (Fact: freshers make more friends by buying them beer and take out).

2. Start partying earlier

This one is kind of weather dependent (or not, depending on your determination), but take advantage of daylight hours. Here’s the thing: university timetables are pretty flexible, and I highly doubt many of you are going to any of your Friday tutorials anyway should you be unfortunate enough to have them. RAs however, do attend their classes, because RAs are just those types of people. If you begin drinking, smoking and doing whatever other nasties during the day, then hypothetically speaking, you will burn out and finish up earlier. This way you can also take advantage of outdoor common areas, and create themed get togethers that allow you to be sneaky. You also won’t piss off all the other students who are just not that keen to party (you might find these people irrelevant, but further down the track, I swear you will need theseindividuals to like you). Aim for key rowdiness at around 7pm. The likelihood of the complainers being out enjoying a calm meal or at the library is significantly higher. Also guess what? Early nights= more time the next day to recover, refuel, and repeat the process.

3.Just give it a rest eh?

You could also just give it a rest you know? Chill out, have a BYO without breaking any windows, avoid getting marched down the street by a row of cops? I’ll let you in on a secret: no one older than you is really all that impressed by your shenanigans. You know why? We’ve got more importantthings to care about, like saving money, paying off our debt and doing even more insane things on our OEs. Also, we all did those things. Because of those things we did some other things that are terribly tragic. Some of us spent a lot of money on those things, a lot of heartbreak on those things, and a lot of time wishing that we could forget we did all those things. So just chill, or at least be menaces elsewhere but on the university grounds.

ASK GURU My boyfriend has a new job and it seems like he is so busy that he has no time for sex anymore – he just comes home late and dozes off. It makes me feel unattractive and unwanted. How do I make him pounce on me again like he used to? You’re still hot and have a great personality and you’re a great person – so don’t worry about that. Every boy goes through this stage in a relationship. It’s when they just can’t be bothered, or life is just too much, and it’s pretty fucking shitty. I go through this stage sometimes, and just like to do fuck all with no one, and occasionally masturbate when I feel like it, so I can easily understand what your boyfriend is going through. BUT... the good news is that most of us love sex, so it’s easy to fix him - it just takes a little bit of time, and lots of sexual innuendo, and gobbies ... you can’t forget the gobbies. Follow my three simple ways of getting your boyfriend back on the sex bandwagon and fucking like there’s no tomorrow, again. 1. Create sexual tension. Whether this be flirting with his friends and making him slightly jealous, or rubbing his inner thigh/willy while you’re out for dinner. Make him aware that you are there, and that you want his dick in and around you. It’s easy to do, because us males are one of two things: extremely jealous creatures, or extremely unaware creatures. Either way you’ll heighten one of these, and he’ll realise you’re alive, and in need of loving. 2. Buy some sex toys/books/porno. Nothing is more exciting than a change. Forget about missionary, read up on the cartwheel, or ‘froggy style’. Get your art book out and start drawing your dream sex positions, ones that’ll make him go ‘holy shit, you want me to put it in there, that way?! Fuck shit up. Get exciting. Buy a dildo, slap his face with it, buy a porno, put it on and copy exactly what they do. Make sex exciting again, lead him, show him that you want it. 3. Get him fired up. Be his sugar mumma. Fuck him forever. Either way, remember it’s not your fault that he doesn’t want to put his willy in you. And sometimes a conversation doesn’t hurt. Ask him why he doesn’t want to do the deed, at least then you know why and can work with him to be the fucking king that he once was.

How do I make my girl cock hungry? I want to be able to bang her on the fly at uni in between class. What is the best way to go about this without sounding like a deviant? Easy. Starve her, and eventually she will eat your willy. But in all seriousness, we are all designed differently, and all have different sex drives and desires. Whether it is an urge to fuck 24/7, or shove things in holes that have never seen daylight, to never feeling like you need sex to get by – we all want different things. What makes relationships successful, sexually, is finding a common ground. To get your girl hungry for the dick, you will both need to find a common ground of your sexual wants and needs, because she may not want to fuck you all the time, and she has all right to say no to sex at uni, even though it’s quite exciting and cool. Finding common ground can be a little difficult, and requires a lot of exploring, testing the waters, stroking, poking, licking, and even punching. But you can start small by trying new things when you’re at home. When she’s sitting on the couch watching TV, get on your hands and knees and pull those undies down, dive in and surprise her – finger bang and lick till you get cramp in your main finger-banging finger. Spontaneous sexual stunts like that will let her know that you’re keen. Keep repeating these small little things; make her feel like Kate Middleton does. Make her feel super loved and sexy. Buy her flowers, chocolates, or even put your dick in a box and gift it to her, show her that you want her badly. Shortly, if she gets the hint, she will reciprocate, and will start exciting your private parts. Eventually, she’ll be fucking you ‘til the cows come home and you’re jizzing everywhere. Then you guys can fuck at uni. Cause you’ll be unable to keep yourself off each other. But remember, too much fucking can result in raw penises and aching fanny’s – so all in moderation. Wear a condom, be safe, and be careful – cos I’m pretty sure fucking at uni is illegal.

My girlfriend’s vagina smells! She always wants me to go down on her. I do it only to make her happy, but I don’t know how to tell her, her vagina smells. Help me Guru! How do I tell my girlfriend her vagina smells like fish? Vaginas make me LOL. They are not the best-looking things in the world, they have so many different compartments, and sometimes they can smell. And when they smell, they really smell. It’s a scent that we as humans aren’t used to - a mixture of stale musk, old sardine, and a hint of coriander. Before we delve into how to make her flower smell like a flower, we need to find out why it smells. There can be several reasons why a fanny smells, and sometimes these reasons can be of the ‘medical’ nature – that’s why, even though Guru’s advice is the advice that only Gods can provide, seeing a doctor never hurts and they give the best proper advice, so make sure you book an appointment if the smell persists (and balls up and tell your girlfriend that her fanny smells). A lot of the time smell can come down to sweat, because vaginas sweat a lot. All the little flaps and nooks and crannies result in a build-up of sweat, and when they’re stuck in undies all day, the sweat musters up and begins to smell. But it can also come down to fungus-y things happening down there, so definitely, if you see anything out of the ordinary, get your girl to go to a doctor. The fungus type stuff usually goes away with some pharmaceutical grade cream. Obviously, the best solution for this is to not wear undies and walk around naked and air it out, but that’s not practical. Good hygiene is the next best thing, so get out the scrubbing brush, pass it over to your girlfriend (or you can do it), and scrub the shit out of it. Maybe turn the whole washing private parts into a sexy fun time and shove soaps up there – it’ll be fun and exciting. Pat that naughty girl down and let her air out. If a good old fashion scrub doesn’t make it smell like happiness, turn to Lynx Africa and spray the shit out of it. You’ll make her kuss smell like the boys changing room at school. If that doesn’t work, buy a gas mask, and dive deep into her fanny without a worry in the world. Remember, all private parts smell to some extent and it’s an embarrassing situation for your girlfriend. So tread lightly, and be gentle, otherwise you may never see that vagina again. (Ps. don’t spray her fanny with Lynx; her fanny isn’t that sKuXxX).

Garden of Eden

I do not want to play in your Garden of Eden Pluck the sweet cherry apple from your tree, Full it with the white Christ evil that fills our core. I do not want to play in your garden But to walk naked with his creatures of all colours, sizes, identities, and terms And marvel at our beauty. Princess, With your pink hair and overgrown beard, You are Eden’s finest. Who are they to say what is beautiful? We are slaves in our Garden of Eden, Swimming in her curves We are not to touch her Though we are evil creatures of moral standards and consciousness. Ebony came and stole with it our ability of doing things without reward. Firmly grasped by what’s right and wrong yet still, We want to destroy her gaze with our rotting fruit. There was murder in the Garden of Eden, Slaughtered puppets who steal the night with misheard approval and labels. Child, you are not a bad person for wanting something that they did not. The lion is not the devil for killing the deer. He is not filled with vile for kissing the creature with death. Though we will say it was evil as we pluck the fur from his mane And wear it around our shoulders

We are the makers of the Garden of Eden and its slavery. We fill its nucleus with verdict and creed. Enslaved men with torn backs and sable, Now cover their backs in suits and ties, Still whipped. Hang our bones in a science room And teach the children where it hurts Do you think greatness dies young Because the earth got jealous of its beauty? How is it we spend our lives miserable and thoughtful When the others spend their days chasing bees and lapping up rivers? How is it we know so much about wrongdoing and yet the doing we do is so wrong? I have played in your Garden of Eden, And I have let the labels loiter my mind with judgement. I have felt ashamed of my Father’s illness for that would make him weak And felt disabled as a woman for no want of children and marriage. Yes God, I have faced your garden, tasted the sweet nectar from your tree and sinned in the eyes of Eden.

By Tessa Calogaras

PUZZLE TIME

You go Glen Coco!

Stop trying to make puzzle time happen..

1. As any Spiderman fan knows, “with great power comes great…” what? 2. What is the main alcoholic ingredient in a Pina Colada? 3. Has the Tug-of-war ever been an Olympic sport?

dont u o Y go even e her 6. What type of rhinoceros has recently become extinct? 7. Which New Zealand town is known for its giant carrot?

4. What does the acronym CIA stand for?

8. Name the dark blue properties on the original Monopoly board-game.

5. What is the full name of the bachelor, on Tv3 show The Bachelor NZ?

9. What date is ANZAC Day? 10. How many ears does a praying mantis have?

C E T

L R A

B E E

Make these into words or you can’t sit with us.?

Why are you so obsessed with massive?!

DIY BURN BOOK Answers 1. Responsibility 2. Rum 3. Yes 4. Central Intelligence Agency 5. Arthur Green 6. Western Black Rhinoceros 7. Ohakune 8. Mayfair and Park Lane 9. April 25 10. One

Editor Kim Parkinson (04) 801 5799 ext. 63765 editor@massivemagazine.org.nz Design and Layout Sarah Donnison, www.behance.net/ sarah-donnisonc65c design@mawsa.org.nz Advertising, Marketing, and MAWSA Association Manager James Collings (04) 801 5799 ext. 63763 manager@mawsa.org.nz Campus Reporters Auckland Julia Braybrook: juliabraybrook@gmail.com Manawatu Carwyn Walsh: carwynwalsh@gmail.com Wellington Kim Parkinson: editor@massivemagazine.org.nz Contributors | Julia Braybrook | Carwyn Walsh | Sasha Borissenko | Paul Berrington | Tessa Calogaras | Louise Wong | Uni Mum | Guru | Rep Chic | Image Credits Front and back cover Laura Duffy, www.LauraDuffy.info, Editorial, page 3, Te Hana Goodyer, www. hanateh.com, Anzac feature, page 14, www.psychedoodles. tumblr.com, Overheard feature, page 18, Pip Alfeld, Beer feature, page 22, Bridget Daulby, www. cargocollective.com/bridgetdaulby, email bridget.daulby@gmail. com Photo feature, Page 26, Oscar Mein, OrmondMein.tumblr. com, Antarctica photos, page 38, Marcus Arnold, www.marcusjohn. smugmug.com, Uni Mum, Te Hana Goodyer, www.hanateh.com Ask Guru, Page 45, Brad Smit, brdsmt. tumblr.com or email bradley.smit@ live.com 48

THE CHICK BEHIND THE COVER Too Much On my Plate by Laura Duffy is part of a series of photographic sculptures created in early 2015. The fourth year Bachelor of Fine Arts (Hons) student is a multi-disciplinary conceptual artist who is currently based in Wellington who can often be found; crying during public speaking / in her studio with paint on her skirt. Originating from the idea of creating a photoshoot for trash, Too Much On My Plate is a response to feeling overwhelmed from various sources, as well as a comment on students’ potential deterioration of health during times of high stress.The photograph could be seen as; food as body / food being ingested by a body / food which becomes body. With too many interest to list, themes of the body, psychedelic, abjection, femininity, and sculpture are reoccurring themes within the spine of her practice. An attitude towards humans as unsophisticated animalistic beings, which live in an alien-like plastic palace often shows through. Thinking of consumerism as a violently empty infection of the soul, and the clash of the desire for spirituality among the trash and pop that surrounds us. Like shitting glitter or vomiting gold, this emerging young artist tends to enjoy mixing potions of awful and pretty together in a seductive manner. With serious ideas and intentions, a feather made out of humour tickles the armpit of her work. Less of a bold argument, and more of an exploration of expressing complicated and at times contradictory discussions, she hopes for her audience to have a bodily viewing experience and enjoy the fun of unpacking the image rather merely creating something easily understandable.

Read online issuu.com/ massivemagazine Publisher massivemagazine.org.nz ISSN 2253-5918 (Print) ISSN 22535926 (Online) This publication uses vegetable based inks and environmentally responsible papers. The document is printed throughout on SUMO Laser, which is FSC® certified and from responsible forests, manufactured under ISO14001 Environmental Management Systems. MASSIVE Magazine is committed to reducing its environmental footprint. Disclaimer The views, beliefs and opinions reflected in the pages of MASSIVE Magazine do not necessarily represent those of Massey University, its staff, Albany Students’ Association (ASA), Massey University Students’ Association (MUSA), Massey at Wellington Students’Association (MAWSA), Extramural Students’ Society, or the MASSIVE editor.