Massive Magazine Issue 11 2021 by Massive Magazine

MASSIVE

ISSUE 11

MAY 17/2021

THE SEX ISSUE

Table of Contents 06 09 10 12 14 16 22 26 28 30 33 34 26 27 38 39

News Take Back the Night Queerness and Virginity Caught in the Act Bush Sex and Antidepressants The Wicked Whims of Wattpad The Ups and Downs of Birth Control Soggy Biscuit Birth Control Ranked Culinarylingus Sexcapades/Adulting Snaps Presidents’ Columns 22 Puzzles Horoscopes

16 14

EDITOR Caroline Moratti

PHOTOGRAPHERS Callum Parsons, Liam McGuire

org.nz to rant, flirt, complain, whatever x

SUB EDITOR Jamie Mactaggart

ILLUSTRATOR Tallulah Farrar @tallulahfarrar

NEWS EDITOR James Pocock

CONTACT

Massive is registered under the New Zealand Press Council which allows our reader to reach out to an independent forum for resolving complaints you may have.

STAFF WRITERS Cameron Taylor, Elena McIntyre-Reet, Rimu Bhooi, Liam McGuire, Ari Prakash, Courtney Hammond, Mason Tangatatai DESIGNER Micah Davis-Rae

editor@massivemagazine.org.nz Facebook/massive.magazine Instagram/massivemagazine www.massivemagazine.org.nz

CONTRIBUTORS Ace Pilgrim READ ONLINE issu.com/massivemagazine Got a letter to the Editor? Email editor@massivemagazine.

Massive is also a member of the Aotearoa Student Press Association. The views, beliefs and opinions reflected in the pages of Massive do not necessarily represent those of Massey University, its staff,

ASA, MUSA, MAWSA, M@D or the Massive Editor. MAWSA is an independent organisation that publishes Massive. Send any queries or complaints directly to Massive at editor@massivemagazine. org.nz. Massive is subject to the New Zealand Press Council. If a complainant is not satisfied with the response from W, the complaint may be referred to the Press Council: info@presscouncil.org.nz or online via presscouncil.org.nz.

Editorial

IT’S THE SEX ISSUE, BABY!

Welcome to the Sex Issue of Massive! I’ve been looking forward to this issue for a while now, and I’m so fucking happy with the result. I hope you have as much fun reading it as much as we had making it. There’re so many different sides to sex, whether it’s making choices about birth control, fucking in a car, having a low libido from antidepressants or blowing your load on a biscuit. Some of its fun, some of its stressful and isolating, and most of it is sexy. However, above all else, consent is key. As a student magazine, we like to normalise discussions around alcohol and drugs, have a bit of fun with it, if you will. Since so much media is depressingly negative in their attitudes towards these vices, it seems only like some balancing force of nature that we teach you how to do a yardie, or how to smoke out of a banana. But there is an undeniable truth that a culture built around binge-drinking and drugs help contribute to toxic environments, where people can be taken advantage of. Engrained within that environment are notions of “I really like someone, but I’m too scared to say it, so I’ll just wait until they’re drunk to make a move” or “I’ll make a move when I’m drunk, so I can blame it on the alcohol if I get rejected”. But the truth is, these are tactics specifically designed to prey on people when they’re at their most vulnerable. And that’s not okay. We don’t stand for that behaviour, and neither should you. If you see one of your mates taking advantage of someone, call them out. If you see someone that’s too drunk to consent, help them get home safely. Sexual assault is a topic always worth talking about, now more than ever. People are taking to the streets, from Palmy to Welly. Too many of my mates have stories, each more heart-breaking than the last. Normalise asking for consent. Normalise asking someone what they’re comfortable. From kissing to putting on condoms, checking in each step of the way is so important. If you or your loved ones have been impacted by sexual violence, check out some of the places below. WHERE TO GET HELP: Rape Crisis - 0800 88 33 00 (will direct you to a nearby centre), (http://www.rapecrisisnz.org.nz/) Victim Support - 0800 842 846 (24hr service) (http://www.victimsupport.org.nz/get-help/support-after-sexual-violence-or-family-violence/) The Harbour, online support and information for those affected by harmful sexual behaviour (http://www. theharbour.org.nz/) Women’s Refuge - crisis line available on 0800 733 843 (https://womensrefuge.org.nz/get-help/) Safe to talk - 0800 044 334, text 4334 or web chat (https://safetotalk.nz/) Male Survivors Aotearoa - https://malesurvivor.nz/contact/

LETTERS TO THE EDITOR EMAIL EDITOR@MASSIVEMAGAZINE.ORG.NZ TO HAVE YOUR SAY A bright blaze on a dark night Dear Editor, This letter is to honour Gillean Alexander McDowell, a dedicated correspondent to your forerunner magazine “Chaff” in the nineteenseventies. Gill graduated with a Master of Arts (Hons.) in Social Anthropology from Massey University in 1981. Through his letters he made his mark bringing up stimulating subjects and engaging readers in intellectual discussions. R. I. P., Gill, beloved soul-friend and mentor.

Editors Note: We’ve accidentally left out 2 crossword clues last week: 8 down: Ancient story (4) 16 down: Kai (4) Sincere apologies to all those hurt and betrayed by our utter carelessness. We should probably stop stealing Critic - Te Arohi’s crosswords and go back to making our own lol. And in this issue, we have! Even though theft feels good in the moment, an incomplete crossword is never okay. We will avenge this x

Yours sincerely, Anne Heffernan-Dale

Massive Magazine’s tofu nuggets recipe str8 SLAPS, I’m not returning to Vic ever again please tell my lecturers...

Dear Caroline, Please date me . Ur so hot I see u at uni all the time. I want to father ur children.

BREE & CLINT WEEKDAYS 3PM–7PM

Dear Massive, 16 Down Bad: 10 letter word for negative emotion felt when Massive prints a crossword with missing clues, and doesn’t publish solutions to crosswords and sudokus ANYWHERE. S A D _STR_ _ _ _ _ Sincerely, Devastated Dictionary Reader

90.9FM

MASSIVE NEWS

Students write open letter to MUSA, citing that the values and principles of the organisation are under threat

of executive meetings, the abrupt departure of MUSA’s General Manager and alleged lack of student consultation. The letter says, “We are choosing to write now as we believe that the values and principles of MUSA are under threat, and we want to raise wider student awareness of these critical issues.”

Never thought I’d see the day where students care if an exec meeting is postponed. It’s been a long 22 years.

The first issue raised was the Exec “breaching constitutional requirements for MUSA Board meetings”. To date, there has been only one monthly Board meeting held by MUSA, on 17 March, however constitutionally they are required to have one at least monthly. Leola says, “There should have been a minimum of four Board meetings already held by the President and Executive, properly advertised to ensure maximum student engagement … They allow student members of MUSA to critique the President’s and/or Executive’s month-to-month decision-making processes and ensures that financial and governance processes are made transparent.”

CAROLINE MORATTI

MANAWATŪ NEWS

An open letter is currently circulating Massey, outlining concerns “about the lack of student consultation and transparency of decision-making processes” of Manawatū’s student exec, MUSA. The letter says, if satisfactory responses to the issues raised are not received, the next course of action may be calling for a Special General Meeting to propose motions of no-confidence against the MUSA President, Fatima Imran, and/or other individual exec members. Leola Meynell, a PhD student in Psychology, penned the letter in partnership with several unnamed students. In the letter, they raised several complaints, regarding the lack

MUSA President, Fatima Imran, says these concerns are “very much justifiable” but can only be accepted in part, explaining “everything has two sides to the story…. there are reasons for our actions.” She explains that a January meeting was postponed due to Covid-19 alert level changes, with a combined January/February meeting held on 17 March. “In effect we have only missed one, which is NEWS

the one in April for the month of March, unfortunately a number of operation matters did occur in April that required urgent attention by the governance, the General Manager was on a period of leave and Easter Holidays made the meeting difficult to schedule.” The meeting was delayed for 5 May, but with the departure of the General Manager that meeting has again been postponed for the 26 May. “It is accepted that this is not ideal and we are responsible but we do assure you this was not done purposely,” Fatima says. The second grievance raised was entitled: “Failure to consult and communicate with students regarding strategic planning.” At their first, and only, board meeting of the year, objectives were outlined of a Strategic Plan, with a draft promised to be shared with students in the coming weeks. So far, no such draft has been shared. Leola questioned the status of the Strategic Plan and when a draft version would be released to students. “Has the President and/ or Executive members undertaken high-level strategic decisions without first developing this Strategic Plan and properly consulting students?” Fatima denies that this is the case. “MUSA does not have and has not had a strategic plan in the past, we are developing this from scratch,” she says. “I can assure you no high-level strategic decisions have been made by this Board. Students will definitely be appropriately consulted before any high-level strategic decision as we understand that we are accountable to them.” The final concern that the letter raised was “Ending the employment of the General Manager of MUSA,” which comes after Craig Black’s abrupt departure from MAWSA after seven years as General Manager. The letter asked what formal processes the Executive engaged in to ensure that this decision was made legally, in good faith, as well as how they “justify this reduction to student services via having no MUSA General Manager for the foreseeable future”. Fatima says that the decision for Craig’s departure was “made by Craig and which we agreed to”. She says that no decision has been made regarding the organisation’s structure, and if substantial changes were made, this would be fully consulted with students where appropriate. “In the short term we are very fortunate that we have an experienced group of employees that are able to continue the good work in providing services to students, the executives will be available to assist and provide support to the staff where needed. Should the need arise, we may look to employing on a short-term fixed engagement an interim GM or equivalent.” The open letter is currently being circulated amongst students. Only time will tell as to whether the students accept MUSA’s response or pursue further action through an SGM. Juicy!

Thanks for your mahi essential workers! Here’s a pay-cut.

RIMU BHOOI

NATIONAL NEWS

The Government has announced three more years of pay restriction for public servants, which is causing concern for graduating students. There are 32 Government Ministries and Departments in Aotearoa, and over 400,000 of us work for these institutions. Public servants are people who are employed by these institutions, such as nurses, teachers, and MIQ facility personnel. Public sector workers and students hoping for a job in these industries are taking issue with the pay freeze, with miscommunication from both the Government and the media blamed for a lot of the frustration. Most students that Massive spoke to, either didn’t know about the freeze or didn’t believe it applied to them. Massey Nursing student, Jas*, is worried about their future. “I’m so close to graduating but there’s still so much to do before I’m qualified.” Jas’ loan has racked up, and they wonder what this freeze will mean for nursing graduates. The cost of living is expected to rise, which is a real fear for young people, like Jas, who will soon be on that joyous job hunt we’re all so familiar with. Another student, hoping to go into teaching says “three years is just such a long time. It seems outrageous. C’mon Labour, we’re your fucking voting base.” Many workforces are already in or about to start talks with the Government about pay and work negotiations. New Zealand Council of Trade Unions is an organisation which supports over 320,000 union members. President Richard Wagstaff has said they “won’t be taking any kind of pay decrease”. His rationale is that the workers have worked hard this past year and deserve recognition via pay increase. “60 thousand is hardly well paid.” Massey students looking to work after graduating should certainly keep an eye on developments, as there is certain to be more yet to come. Remember to be kind to your essential workers <3

NEWS

Albany’s Innovation Complex to replace Oteha Rohe campus In the meantime, the construction sure is loud as fuck.

Ashley, another Massey student, said she thinks the IC will “look good but won’t match the architecture of the rest of the campus. I’m also worried about whether there’d be enough parking spaces for everyone. Hopefully, Massey will look into this.” But overall she is optimistic about the IC’s construction and future.

General Manager of both MUSA and MAWSA exits roles JAMES POCOCK

NATIONAL NEWS

General Manager of MUSA and MAWSA, Craig Black, has left both positions almost simultaneously.

ARI PRAKASH

ALBANY NEWS

The construction of Albany’s Innovation Complex is set to replace the Oteha Rohe campus, with the building expected to be finished in 2022 and used in 2023. The Oteha Rohe campus currently holds the College of Health and College of Science, alongside other schools. For months, construction has loomed over the main Albany campus as the new building slowly takes shape. The project was plagued by numerous lockdowns, supply challenges and other issues, but construction for the IC complex is now well underway. A Massey spokesperson said, “The Innovation Complex is a 10,000m² multi-level complex set to deliver the campus a highly functional building with modern teaching, research and office space fit for the next 40 to 50 years, in large part thanks to the flexible nature of the design that leverages creative spaces, furnishings and technology.” ASA President Ben Austin said, “The IC Building’s main purpose is to replace the Oteha Rohe campus, which is being released from Massey’s ownership at the end of 2022. It will house laboratories, research spaces for postgrad students, teaching spaces such as lecture rooms as well as flexible working and common areas.” Massey Albany’s campus stretches across three locations: East Precinct, Oteha Rohe and Albany Village. So, the news that Oteha Rohe is moving to the main Albany site, the East Precinct, has been met with some student support. But the community that these smaller campuses provide will be missed. Marshall, an Engineering student, said that going to these smaller precincts creates a “community over here where we know each other and [having a place] where it’s just us, makes us closer”. But at the same time, he also said that “it’s a bit annoying having a lecture at the main campus”. So, having all his classes in one place would be more convenient.

Craig was the Interim General Manager for MAWSA since the start of 2021, but has been working as the General Manager of MUSA for seven years. He said, “I’d like to give my sincere thanks to those students for allowing MUSA and myself to be involved. I have been very touched by all the appreciation I have received during and since my tenure at MUSA.” MUSA President Fatima Imran says Craig took voluntary redundancy in his position as MUSA General Manager because of a potential restructure within the organisation if a proposed merger of student associations under the Massey University Student Association Federation were to go ahead. Craig told Massive, “The role of General Manager for MUSA ceased to exist due to redundancy.” “When looking into how this new Service-Level Agreement could look, there was potential that the general manager role might not exist,” Fatima said. She notes that while the proposal was not ready to be taken to students yet, she felt responsible for informing employees who may be affected. “I told Craig there was a potential this proposal might go through. To avoid any restructure or the potential of a restructure, he said he would love to take a voluntary redundancy,” she said. She said that he has done great work for MUSA and she hopes for the best for him after working for seven years in the role. Fatima is now Acting General Manager alongside maintaining the role of President. She notes that she does not know when or if there will be a replacement MUSA General Manager assigned until the executives discuss further. According to MAWSA president Tessa Guest, Craig’s departure from his MAWSA role was mutually agreed upon and unrelated to the MUSA decision. “We’ve come to a place where our local team is running well on the ground, and we no longer need the oversight our Interim General Manager was been providing. Now, our Team Leader Julian is well equipped to lead our staff, and we are grateful for the guidance Craig provided in this process,” Tessa said.

NEWS

Students question late-night bus changes

a bus, I can guarantee majority of us wouldn’t have gone out on Thursdays, which would have sucked because it’s kinda the Palmy student thing to do.”

Just wanna get down and dirty on Thursday nights

Second year student Brayden said he never personally went out on a Thursday, but he can see how it would impact others around him who did.

JAMES POCOCK

MANAWATŪ NEWS

Some students think changes to the late-night bus schedule in Palmerston North were the wrong move. Buses transporting students from the Manawatū campus to town and back again late at night are no longer offered on Thursdays, switching to Friday and Saturday nights instead. Second year student Karla thinks that it is important to still have the service offered on Thursdays, despite the newly increased offering. “Fridays and Saturdays usually you can suss a ride or pre-drink at a flat party beforehand. Thursdays are usually purely for students, so me and my mates relied mainly on the bus for transport. If there wasn’t

The town bus service regularly transported partying students on Thursday nights from the bus stop outside the Centre on campus at 10pm to Main Street Terminal, walking distance from Palmerston North’s most popular bars and clubs. Another bus would take students from Main Street Terminal back to campus at 1:30am. With the new changes, this service will go from once a week to twice a week and will offer two return trips from town, one at the original 1:30am time and a second at 2:00am. This may help to alleviate the pressure on the service, which often had to decline students attempting to board due to a lack of space on the buses and high demand.

TAKE BACK THE NIGHT:

“No more violence! Stop the silence!” WORDS BY ACE PILGRIM Thursday 6 May saw dozens gather at Massey University, Palmerston North, to march in solidarity with survivors of sexual violence as recognition of Rape Awareness Week. Manawatū’s student-led division of Thursdays in Black (TiB), an international campaign against sexual violence, led the gathering at 6pm from the Massey campus on a four-kilometre march to The Square. Take Back the Night marches happen around the world, recognizing the dangers of being alone in the dark. Massey student Alex Johnston said he was glad the march could go ahead this year, as it meant a lot to him. “Being out here, for me, means standing up for those of us who are always thinking twice about walking home at night, especially alone.” It was emotional to witness such support for an issue that has touched too many lives. The New Zealand Crime and Victims Survey: Cycle 2 (Oct 2018 – Sep 2019) reported that almost 30 per cent of New Zealand adults have, at some point in their life, experienced sexual violence. Speeches at Thursday’s march stated that 1 in 6 children, and 1 in 6 adults are sexually abused. There were tears from some of the attendees, many of them there because they themselves or someone close to them are personally affected. “We need to break down the silence,” Anne Kent urged, a manager at Abuse and Rape Crisis Support Manawatū, explaining that “one of the biggest contributing factors to sexual abuse being so widespread, generation after generation, is the silence and secrecy that surrounds it.” There was lots of talk among the attendees regarding

the shame of being a survivor of sexual assault. The NZ Crime and Victims Survey alarmingly reported 94% of sexual assaults are not reported to the police. There is a fear of judgement and denial that makes it even more difficult to speak out about an already very painful experience. Anne Kent told the crowd they can support survivors not only by speaking out about it, but also by “challenging the language and beliefs that allow some people to think it’s okay to exert power and control over another”. She said it’s important to listen to survivors, believe them, and help them know that “they are not responsible for what has happened”. She also encouraged people in supporting everyone to get the help they need, both survivors and those who may or have caused harm to others. “It is all important and makes a difference.” Kerry Howe, the driving force behind TiB Manawatū, has a vision for a better future, and organising events like this is one step on a long road to ending the silence around abuse. TiB Manawatū are devoted to advocating safety and education for students, meeting regularly on Thursdays in the MUSA kitchen. So far, they are responsible for pushing the University to instigate legislation for a Harmful Sexual Behaviours policy that will ensure perpetrators will be held accountable for their actions, providing a suitable structure for dealing with these issues. They hope to achieve more going forward, such as providing more education surrounding consent and what is and isn’t acceptable behaviour. Anyone interested in supporting the cause are welcome to come along and get in touch. NEWS

Queerness & Virginity

WORDS ELENA MCINTYRE-REET

here’s no comfortable way me completely black out drunk at the Penetration? Orgasm? Getting head? to learn about sex. Whether age of 16, I woke up naked on top of I’d definitely done a couple of those it was a fumbling male P.E. my girlfriend at the time and slowly the things that night, was I no longer a teacher telling you how to put a condom events of the night before came back in virgin? It sent me into a bit of a spiral on, or a Catholic educator telling about the validity of my sexual you that the best contraception is experience - did it really count as abstinence, your introduction to sex sex if there was no penis-like thing education was probably pretty subinvolved? To this day I’ve still never When you’re queer there’s no par. Along with the awkwardness had sex with a man, I’ve never even clear way to define virginity. and the laughter though, is a touched someone’s dick. I can’t help large number of us who were just Penetration? Orgasm? Getting but wonder if this makes my sex completely left out. If you’re queer, life less important than those gay head? I’d definitely done a trans or any person that falls outside people who have tried stuff with the couple of those things that of the classic P into V situation, you opposite sex. night, was I no longer a virgin? may have launched into your sex The stupidest thing about life with no proper knowledge on all this, is that virginity doesn’t what the fuck you were meant to be actually even exist. Just like my doing. sex ed teacher’s religion, virginity I’ve known I was gay for a while, is a made-up concept with sexist and a lot of my high school experience patches. I want to emphasise that the and homophoboic origins. With that was spent kissing girls, wanting more, experience was consensual, we were being said, there’s no denying the but not knowing how to go about it. both just drunk baby gays scared to social weight it carries in our society. This confusion and fear led to my first do the thing sober. When you’re queer We know it’s meaningless and stupid proper sexual experience involving there’s no clear way to define virginity. but that doesn’t stop us from wanting FEATURES

our first time to be magical. For most of us however, ‘magical’ is not a word we use to describe our first time. “It was pretty good, I mean my ass hurt but it felt like I had done it,” notes The Tatted Twink, a Massey student. Although their actual ‘virginity’ taking was fairly pleasurable, their first sexual experience was anything but. “My first actual queer experience was a terrible hand job, I’m talking the kind only Edward Scissorhands could give”, they recall. As much as first queer experiences can be uncomfortable and maybe even regretful, they can also be incredibly validating. “I felt validated that I knew I liked the taste of a woman. So weird to say it that way, but I really did feel a sense of security that I knew myself and knew I would like fucking a woman.” Liv, a third-year student shared with Massive. That feeling of validity or security is something a lot of us feel like we have to chase. It puts a lot of pressure on the encounters that we do have. Like, what does this mean? Have I just convinced myself this feels good? How the fuck am I meant to touch a boob? I feel like straight people (or maybe just straight men) don’t feel this same pressure. In a cis-hetero context, sex and virginity have a pretty clear-cut finish, like the guy lets out a bit of a grunt when he’s done and that’s that. To be fair I’ve never had heterosexual sex, but that’s what all the coming-of-age movies make it look like. This brings us back to the issue of what the fuck sex is when you’re queer. All the movies and the atrocious high school sex ed we received told us that there’s really only one way. “My 16-yearold self concluded you could only lose your virginity through penetrative sex. That it was more a concept than physicality but, either way, I wanted it gone,” The Tatted Twink told Massive.

Liv had a pretty similar perspective, but realised that you can define virginity however you really want to. “There are like two different types of virginities in my eyes, physical and mental. Because the first person I fucked, really fucking hurt so it wasn’t enjoyable and I don’t like to remember that one. The second time was with someone else who I really liked and had less painful sex. So I guess what I’m trying to say is that I’ve taught myself how to define virginity based on the experience that was actually pleasurable rather than the first time a penis rammed into my poor little fufufalafel.” This way of thinking is pretty fucking dope. I’ve had a few sexual encounters since that first time (wow,

brag much?) and they’ve been a lot more enjoyable, and also sober. So I’m gonna start defining virginity however I want. Maybe it’ll be the time that lasted the longest, or the time I laughed a whole lot, or maybe that time I cried. Point is, it’s just sex, if it feels good and it’s consensual then who cares what you call it?

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CAUGHT IN THE ACT

STUDENTS SPILL THE TEA ON THEIR MOST AWKWARD ENCOUNTERS WORDS BY RIMU BHOOI

ILLUSTRATIONS BY TALLULAH FARRAR

ex in a room with a lock is great, but often many students don’t have that gorgeous luxury. Whether you’re having sex in your parents’ house, a car, or at a party, there’s always some element of risk involved. Maybe that’s what makes it so exciting. Massive conducted a wee poll of 100 or so young people round the country. 60% of respondents said they’d caught someone having a cheeky fuck. Almost the same amount (58%) of respondents said they’d been the ones caught. Parents commonly catch their young‘uns in the act, but one person caught their parents at the age of eight... big yikes. You never need to see your dad’s hairy pimply ass in between your mum’s legs. Never, but certainly not at the age when you’ve not even had the birds and the bees chat yet. Another ridiculously common one was flatmates and roommates. Surely everyone knows the common courtesy of leaving a sock on the doorknob so I don’t really know if there’s an excuse for these breathers. I dedicate this collation to exhibitionists. P.S. I had so many brilliant stories submitted to me but I think the best is saved for last.

OLIVIA’S BED SWAP

Bit of a weird situation but last year I was seeing my friend’s flatmate. They had a party and we ended up in town. After my friend, Jake, lost his wallet, the night had evidently come to its end. Jake was obviously a bit gutted, and we all bundled into an Uber and went back to the flat. To add insult to injury, Jake’s sister had crashed in his bed, the poor man was bed-less. So, his flatmate Ben let him have his bed. This act of kindness warmed the cockles of my alcoholsoaked heart, and I invited him to sleep on the couch with me. In the morning Jake’s sister left early as fuck. Everyone else was still asleep so Ben and I moved from the couch to Jake’s bed bc he was in his flatmate’s bed. We were gonna sleep (I promise), but we kind of started hooking up. I felt bad about fucking in Jake’s bed, he was my friend after all, so I stopped the hook up before it got very far. Unfortunately, even though we’d decided not to have sex, we kept making out, and that’s when my friend walked in. Jake was now bleary-eyed,

and dusty asf staring at two of his mates pashing in HIS OWN bed. He was horrified and fake vomited while we put our shirts back and gave the man give bed back. JASMINE’S SH(N)AG

I was having a quickie in the Bunning’s carpark on Courtney Place, when I saw the uniform. It was a cop, fully decked out from his navy cap to the hefty vest and full blue getup. What was most interesting however, was what he was holding, a pair of tongs. He knocked on the steamed-up window and the words he uttered next I will never forget... “Anyone for a snag?” BRETT’S HOT TUB NIGHTMARE

My parents had a hot tub that was a piece of art truly. It was a sleek wooden beast of a thing, and sat on the porch outside my parent’s bedroom. It cost an arm and a leg so twas off-limits for my

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brothers and I, unless we were given permission. But, the ‘rents were out for the weekend, I liked a girl, and you know the drill. She comes over, bikini on already underneath her clothes. We start a movie in my room but don’t end up watching it... one thing leads to another and we end up in the tub. Hot steamy make out ensues, and needless to say we both had a brilliant time. I hop out of the tub to grab us some towels when I hear a car in the driveway. I freak out, trip and knock myself out. Lemme tell you, waking up naked on the floor to three people crowding around, two of them being your royally fucked off parents and the other being a shivering girl in a bikini, is the perfect way to be grounded for the rest of high school.

FOUR’S A CROWD, G

MADDIE’S RIDE

Writers note: This next story involves so many people that I received multiple (varying) accounts.

After a long night of doof doof partying, my long-time boyfriend Aaron and I made eye contact and knew we were gonna call it a night. We said our goodnights, and less than five minutes later we were in the back of my car. The next part’s a bit of a blur, but our clothes flew off and soon enough I was on top and butt naked. We were just getting into the swing of things, when [there was] a knock at the car door. Not really aware of my surroundings, my tiddies swung as I pushed the door open. Lo and behold, I heard my drunk best friend slurring her words, “I’m gonna sleep in the house, what about you guys?” I flashed her a grin, and a thumbs up, tiddies still on full display and Aaron going red beneath me. “Cool as, we’ll be in the car,” I shut the door in her red face and got back to finishing what I started.

This one time my girlfriend and I were hooking up in a mate’s bedroom at a party. We were cuddled up on the floor, and made sure we couldn’t be seen from the door (which was closed anyway). All was going as well as you can imagine, when a good friend of mine burst through the door, holding the hand of a random white boy. They fell onto the bed and start making out, all the while my gf and I freeze up and stare at each other, no idea what to do. Mid-make out my friend Lucy knocks a ukulele off of the bed and it hits me in the head. I accidentally yelp “ouch” and all Lucy says is “wtf get out! We were here first!!”

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Words by Micah Davis-Rae Photo by Liam McGuire

Bush. A brief journey through our pubic past

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have it, trim it, wax it, tweeze it, cream it, zap it, dye it, leave it! Sounds like a bad Daft Punk cover, or perhaps a weird new-age version of Bop It. But no; on the menu today, we have bush. A 2013 survey revealed that during her lifetime, the average woman spends $15,000 and the equivalent of four months of their lives removing unwanted body hair. 77% of people surveyed in a Massive poll revealed that they groom their downstairs on the reg. Pubic maintenance has changed a lot over the years, however the social stigma around pubes and how to wear them has persisted. Massive decided to take a journey through our pubic past, in an attempt to demystify our present preferences and what all of this means for women today.

trends over the centuries, the art world almost exclusively depicted women as having hairless vulvas right up until the twentieth century. It’s a bit unclear as to whether these portrayals are a reflection of real female grooming habits, or rather perverse painters caught up in their own fucked up ideals of purity. Take famed Victorian art critic John Ruskin for example. After spending his entire adult life gazing upon painted pictures of prepubescent pussies, he was horrified on the night of his wedding to find himself staring down the barrel of a full-blown bush. Such was his repulsion, that he and his wife’s short-lived marriage went unconsummated. Fast forward a few hundred years, to 1915, when women’s fashion was

in a kind of state of innocence, and denying their visceral selves”. Another faction of second-wavers objected to this sentiment, believing that women should not tell other women what to do with their bodies; men have done quite enough of that already, thank you very much. But what about our own history? Well, the kōrero tuku iho around Māori body hair is rather elusive. There are stories of wahine offering their pubic hair to Rangi in order to quell a storm when a waka was at sea. This suggests that not only were Māori women unfazed by their pubes, but they were something sacred, worthy of sacrifice. Oh, lord, the sacrilege! Fear not, for Western influence would soon see to that too.

Today, Western society is slowly The long and tangled history of starting to embrace choice in the pube-removal can be traced back context of pubes. Companies are for millennia. An image of a hairless beginning to pay attention to the vulva carved onto a cave wall in changing tides and are increasing 35,000 B.C. is one of the first known I doubt it comes as a surprise representation of hairy women in artworks ever created. Ancient their advertising accordingly. Billie, to hear that the guilt and shame Egyptians, Greeks and Romans an independent razor company, all tended to their hedges with a surrounding female body hair has built its entire brand around variety of tools including pumice celebrating choice, becoming stones, flints and early forms today began with a white man (remarkably) the first brand to of hair removal creams. Across actually show female body hair and his love of capitalism. these cultures, it was generally in its razor ads. Celebrities are considered that the less you have, embracing their pubes too, with the more civilized you were. By the Amber Rose, Janelle Monáe, Middle Ages however (possibly Emma Watson and countless due to the shaven look becoming others all getting their body hair out favoured by sex workers), shag with increasing regularity. rugs made a comeback for the ‘well featuring more and more skin, King mannered’ woman. Unfortunately, Camp Gilette realised there was a Have we reached the point where due to pervasiveness of pubic lice tonne of money to be made if he could women can let it run wild without fear during the fifteenth century, this trend convince women that body hair was of shame and rejection? Shit no. Pubic would prove particularly disastrous to something to be ashamed of. He was hair still has a long way to go before it uphold. In a desperate attempt to rid right. It was this moment that would reaches full acceptance in Western themselves of their unwelcome guests, be the catalyst for body hair removal society. But if you’re reading this many women would resort to shaving. as we know it. I doubt it comes as hoping to discover the right way to Sweet relief would be short lived. a surprise to hear that the guilt and wear your hair down there, I do have an Many would gaze down to their now- shame surrounding female body hair answer for you: however the fuck you hairless pudenda only to see sores today began with a white man and his want. While it’s good to know how we got to where we are and what forces caused by syphilis and gonorrhoea. love of capitalism. may be influencing your preferences, Fuck me, what a conundrum. To solve The hairless revolution would be met there’s no greater statement than their problems, many women started with some resistance in the 1970s by taking control of your own body and donning merkins: fluffy wigs to cover a sect of second wave feminists. In doing whatever it is that makes you their sores and flaunt their ‘sexual 1972, Ms. Magazine featured an article feel comfortable and confident. sophistication’. Talk about two birds condemning the new shaving norms with one stone. as an “embodiment of our culture’s Despite the ebbs and flows of pubic preoccupation with keeping women FEATURES

LET’S TALK ABOUT SEX AND ANTIDEPRESSANTS WORDS BY CAROLINE MORATTI

hen I was in my second year, I went on antidepressants. A month later, I had penetrative sex for the first time. The trouble was, as much as my mind felt I was ready, my body just, well, wasn’t. Long story short, I ended up using an embarrassing amount of lube, and what should have been a sexy night turned into a comical slip’n slide. I can never look at a waterpark the same way. SRRI medication, a common form of antidepressants, can reduce interest in sex, as well as having an impact on arousal, sustaining arousal, and achieving orgasm. That’s not to say they’re not a drug worth trying. Antidepressants really helped me. In all honesty, they probably saved my life. But there’s no denying the effect they had on my sex drive. University is an infamous time for sexual exploration and discovery, but for many students, choosing to go on antidepressants can leave them

with a low libido. Prioritising your mental health over your sexual health involves sacrifice, yet it’s something that’s vastly unacknowledged in youth culture. Obviously, everyone is different, and talk to your doctor before making any decisions to go on or off medication, but if this is something you’re struggling with, you’re not alone. Bella was on antidepressants for 12 years, since childhood, on “varying doses”. She admits, “I had no sex drive from puberty till I was 20 basically,” which is the age she went off her medication. Whilst she still had sex as a teenager, she says it was more for curiosity rather than pleasure, and didn’t start enjoying sex until withdrawing from antidepressants. “I only had sex a few times at parties in Year 13 with drunk boys who didn’t know how to have sex anyways,” she laughs. FEATURES

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“HANGING OUT WITH FRIENDS, YOU SWAP STORIES OF BAD TINDER DATES OR JUICY HOOKUPS, BUT ALL I COULD TALK ABOUT WAS WHAT I HAD BEEN BINGE-WATCHING ON NETFLIX THAT WEEK. I FELT DULL AND BORING, WHICH MADE ME SOCIALLY ISOLATE MYSELF EVEN MORE.”

Going off antidepressants, she describes experiencing “a bit of a recovery period before I suddenly got horny for the first time in my life”. Sex wasn’t a factor in her choice to go off her meds, as Bella describes herself as “so asexual” at the time that she didn’t even think about it as a reason. Looking back at it all? Bella concludes, “Sex is very good, should have gone off antidepressants wayyy earlier.” Obviously, this is just one person’s opinion, always talk to your doctor, but it’s nice to know that things can get better. Lucy was on antidepressants for two years over her time at university. “I don’t regret going on them, but I definitely felt

uneducated about some of the side effects,” she says. During that time, she says what she struggled with most was not so much her lack of sexual desire, but rather feeling isolated from her peers at such a sexual time in their lives. “I can handle not having much sex, or even wanting to. But the culture of university made me feel like such an outcast. Hanging out with friends, you swap stories of bad Tinder dates or juicy hookups, but all I could talk about was what I had been binge-watching on Netflix that week. I felt dull and boring, which made me socially isolate myself even more.” Lucy confesses that she tried to “put herself out there” and experience sex,

even when her mind and body didn’t really want to. “I wanted to have those stories, have those experiences to share. The idea of it was [what] made me have sex, rather than the reality of it all. Because the reality was just a few dry thrusts with some strangers I didn’t feel connected to. I didn’t get pleasure from that, I only got pleasure from the validation I felt from presenting as ‘normal’.” Even now off her meds, Lucy claims that her sex-drive has never made a “full recovery”, and it’s just something she’s learnt to live with. Sam* went on SSRIs in his third year, and also struggled with the “pressuring” culture of sex in comparison to his actual sexual desires. “Already, as a guy, FEATURES

acknowledging you have mental health problems and seeking help for them is hard enough. That took me years to come to terms with.” To add a low sex drive into the equation was even harder, Sam says. “Sex is another pillar of this fucked-up idea of masculinity. To suddenly lose interest in it, was terrible. I felt disconnected from my friends, like I couldn’t be a lad anymore.” Sam admits that, in order to cope, he would often force himself to drink more at parties. “I thought if I just got black-out, some aspect of wanting to have sex would come back to me. It was a bad idea, because in reality I just added whiskey dick onto existing problems with ejaculation.” After nights such as these, he would avoid his sexual partners, out of a mix of shame and awkwardness. “I felt like they were going to spread rumours about me or something. When really, they probably weren’t, but the idea panicked me.” It’s something Sam still struggles with, although he’s gradually trying to open up to his mates more and is thinking about lowering his dose in the future. Rimu says that taking SSRIs “really screwed up my libido”. For the first couple of months, they described themself as “lethargic” when it came to sex, or even masturbation. “This affected my relationship with my partner because my body would still react the same during sex, but I didn’t feel very much. That sucked, I felt not in control of my sexuality... When I orgasmed, it felt like my mind was separate to my body.” Rimu is now on their second year of antidepressants, and has just gotten an IUD, which they say is further affecting their libido. “Now, I’m either absolutely horny or depressed and don’t connect during sex.” They admit that the experience is “not the best. Would go for any other option if there was one.” Ultimately, sex is complicated enough as it is, even without antidepressants fucking with the experience. If you’re struggling with either, talk to your friends, your doctors, your sexual partners. Whether you’re having sex, not having it, cumming or not cumming, who really gives a fuck. Be kind to yourself. Your sexual health is important, but never feel ashamed for choosing to focus on your mental health. It’s important to know the side effects of any medication, but that doesn’t diminish the great work that that medication does. And, if you ever need a good way to spend a Friday night, I have some great Netflix recommendations. *Names have been changed

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MASSIVE

THE WICKED WHIMS OF WATTPAD WORDS BY CAMERON TAYLOR

ILLUSTRATION BY TALLULAH FARRAR

When I was 12 years old, I had a pretty standard bedtime routine like most pre-teen girls: read dirty Wattpad fan fiction on my iPod Touch until I physically couldn’t stay awake any longer. I needed to envision myself getting fucked by Harry Styles on a kitchen counter, otherwise I simply could not fall asleep. My guilty pleasure was literally anything to do with One Direction. I used to imagine myself as Y/N, a pretty girl who wore skinny jeans and ugg boots, with an Abercrombie and Fitch sweatshirt to top it all off. Her hair would be in a messy side braid that slung over my infinity scarf. One day, she would wake up and walk down the stairs like any ordinary day, only to discover her mum had sold her to One Direction as a sex slave. Just your average wet dream, right? Yup, young people everywhere in the early 2010s were absolutely smitten with the website that was Wattpad. You could read fan fiction from literally any fandom on the planet, with MILLIONS of stories to pick from the site. The individuals I spoke to for this article ranged over a ton of different fandoms, such as Supernatural, Twenty One Pilots, Troye Sivan, Twilight, and more. There was truly something for everyone, FEATURES

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“The beautiful thing about Wattpad is that the FANS led the direction of the stories. They could turn their fandom favourites into anything they wanted, diverting away from overplayed scenarios and tropes that are often in popular media.”

from the mild sexy times to the more extreme BDSM type shit. Personally, Wattpad provided a HUGE sexual awakening I had never felt before. Suddenly, all I could think about was getting railed by Harry Styles after he’d bought me off my family (kinda fucked up now that I think about it, but we’ll get to that later). I wasn’t the only one who experienced feelings like this once being introduced to smutty fanfic. Dina says that she didn’t recall “ever having sexual desires or anything before that”, saying that “it took me so long to understand how the fanfics were making me feel”. For some, dirty Wattpad fanfic was where they felt “most comfortable”, as Jillian put it. Being turned on is fun, especially when you’re experiencing those fanny flutters for the first time. Yazmin said they used it as a form of escapism in their “horny teenager” years, before they were sexually active themselves. They shipped Cas and Dean from Supernatural, but since the CW writers were “too pussy to make them gay”, Yazmin had to get their content elsewhere. That’s the beautiful thing about Wattpad; the FANS led the direction of the stories. They could turn their fandom favourites into anything they wanted, diverting away from overplayed scenarios and tropes that are often in popular media. When I asked if the interviewees learnt more about sex from fanfic than real life, the general consensus was YES!!! This I can agree with from personal experience - Wattpad was the first time I ever learnt about oral sex. Many found that it opened their eyes onto what happens when you grow up, taught them to be more FEATURES

open and less taboo about sexual topics, and helped them to realise what they liked sexually. Yazmin put it perfectly when they said “it definitely showed me more than just your average Pornhub video”, going on to make excellent points about how well written smut is often more realistic and entertaining than porn videos, as well as porn usually having a lack of asking for consent and being purely about the guy’s pleasure. You could even try writing some of your own smutty goodness, if you dared. Jillian said while she “didn’t know a whole lot about acting on it in real life”, writing dirty fanfic helped sexual topics to become more comfortable as she grew up. She even recalls going back onto her posted stories years later and seeing tons of comments begging for more. “I was like damn, people actually read this?” However, like anything, there are downsides to the Wattpad phenomenon. Firstly, many of the

individuals stated that reading dirty fan fiction often set “unrealistic expectations” of what sex would be like. Holly commented that the popular One Direction fanfic series ‘After’ seriously affected her love life in high school, as she “compared the guy” to her highly idealistic expectations of what a relationship should be as read on Wattpad. Nelly said sex definitely wasn’t what she thought it would be like, describing how she “expected more, because fan fiction made it sound like this amazing thing most of the time”. Secondly, the topics of sexual, mental, and physical abuse were hugely normalised and romanticised within dirty fanfic across Wattpad. Like I said earlier, stories about being adopted as sex slaves were incredibly popular, amongst other popular storylines such as being kidnapped by a boy band, or an abusive ‘bad boy’ boyfriend who had a soft spot for the main female protagonist. Nelly describes how

she was “desensitised to it a bit” after seeing the normalisation and romanticism of such heavy topics. The messages we received at such young ages were definitely not always positive, which is concerning looking back. Overall, Wattpad played a huge role in many young people’s sexual awakening and views on sex, both in positive and negative ways. It taught many people about the fun, exciting side of sex, allowing them to learn more about the logistics and become more comfortable with the topics. However, while we can’t change the past when it comes to the unrealistic expectations set and the triggering topics that were romanticised and normalised, we can learn from our old ways and change the messages being sent out to young people of today’s generation. Regardless, Wattpad was an ICONIC part of mine and many others’ pre-teen/teenage years. I don’t think I would be the kinky bitch I am today without Wattpad, it truly raised me and shaped me into this glorious woman who exudes raw sexual energy in everything I do. Yup, I said what I said. Fun fact to end this article off: Rumour has it that editor Caroline Moratti had a fun party trick at 17 where she would recite this really smutty Bee Movie fan fiction at parties. “It had this incredible ending of Barry killing Vanessa’s unborn child whilst inside her, it was amazing.” If that doesn’t make you froth her even more, I don’t know what will.

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The Great Ups and Downs of Birth Control B

irth Control is one of the great choices in every womxn’s life. People go on birth control for a variety of reasons, from skin care, period cramps to, of course, contraception. However, making the choice to go on birth control can lead to a variety of shitty side effects. So many of my mates experience bad mood swings, heavy bleeding, pain, all because of choices they made when they were as young as 14 or 15. Massive had some yarns with people and their different contraception choices, to better understand the kinds of struggles that womxn deal with on a day to day basis.

Kelly feel like she “couldn’t win”. To her, it also felt like “taking the pill was only putting a Band-Aid” on a severe health issue. From the sounds of it, the Band-Aids were beginning to layer up. At one point, Kelly was on a questionable drug cocktail that included the contraceptive pill and an antidepressant, which decreased her iron levels. So, iron medication was added to her prescription and another pill to help digest the iron. Eventually, Kelly saw a friend who was also a naturopath and nutritionist. She was put on a natural pill to help regulate period pain. She was also given diet recommendations that helped her situation.

The oral contraceptive is the most common contraceptive and the gateway to other types. The people I reached out to all mentioned the pill, even if they were on it briefly. For example, Kelly first started using birth control to deal with her PCOS and period pain. PCOS is a hormone imbalance that causes issues like irregular periods, weight gain and hair loss. But while on the pill, Kelly would experience bad depression, stop taking the pill and get painful periods again. It would go on like that in a terrible cycle and made

Ashleigh said she was on the generic combined pill when she was a teenager to lighten heavy bleeding and ease cramps. But it caused severe migraines for her. They got worse with age and after a whole slew of side effects from migraines to breast pain to extreme fatigue. These continued even after she switched to the mini pill. Ashleigh eventually found that taking the pill at night helped her, so she wasn’t so tired during the day. The side effects of birth control aren’t great, but an unplanned pregnancy can upset one’s CULTURE

life too. Overall, Ashleigh said that “I’d rather not be on any birth control medication… However, it’s better than being paranoid about getting pregnant. Even though condoms are effective, I don’t trust them!” Amen to that. Between the tearing and having to apply it correctly every time. There is something scary about trusting a thin layer of latex to stop a baby. The Intrauterine Device (IUD) is long-lasting birth control inserted into the uterus by a doctor. There is the non-hormonal copper IUD and the hormonal one. It has a high effectiveness rate of 99%. At first, Ivy was on the pill but decided to go on the IUD d u e to side e ff e c t s . H o w e v e r, she started with the copper IUD and wasn’t told that it would make heavy periods and pain even worse. Even though it is long-lasting and you only have to get it changed every couple of years, Ivy said that “insertion SUCKS”. She wasn’t given any pain

pill originally, but had to switch to DP due to medical concerns. Maria didn’t have any major problems with birth control, but she faced barriers such as not being able to talk to her family about it, and receiving judgment from the medical staff. Maria said, “In my first nurse appointment I felt like she was quite judgemental,” which added to her feelings of embarrassment and fear of judgement about the topic already. In the future, she is thinking of switching to the implant - another long term contraceptive that is inserted into the arm rather than the uterus. Despite the current problems with birth control, over 10 years ago the discrimination and judgement women faced were tenfold. Sam has been using birth control for about fifteen years. She first started because of PCOS but after three years of being on the pill she switched to depo. She recalls her first time visiting her gyno – an older man – who dismissed her symptoms of PCOS. “He actually said to me, and my mother who was with me, that women have periods

Sam also noted how age can play a factor in obtaining birth control. “Doctors don’t want to give birth control to teens.” This might be because of a presumption that birth control is prescribed for contraception exclusively, and not a presumption that it can help with valid medical issues arising from periods. I think, for the most part, that attitude is beginning to change. But as we’ve seen, no two experiences are the same. But that’s a whole other can o’ worms! Doctors don’t take period problems seriously enough. But this is an issue perpetuating in many areas of womxn’s healthcare. Their pain is dismissed as hysteria, or something to just get on with. Even at Ashleigh’s chiropractor and physiotherapy clinic, men walk away with codeine and “women with the exact same pain and diagnosis get sent away with Panadol”. It’s a man’s world and we’re just living in it. I remember hearing once about male birth control. Apparently, scientists are working on a gel that can be rubbed in the

At Ashleigh’s chiropractor and physiotherapy clinic, men walk away with codeine and “women with the exact same pain and diagnosis get sent away with Panadol”. medication, and the pain itself lasted for a couple days after. Eventually, she switched to the hormonal IUD, or Mirena. The problems were the same as before, but at least the extra pain from the copper IUD wasn’t there. Maria has been on Depo Provera, an injection taken every three months for three years. She has no side effects (#blessed). She was on the

and I should learn to deal with it.” Attitudes like these have led to many serious conditions such as PCOS and endometriosis being ignored. When Sam eventually switched to DP, her PCOS symptoms disappeared. From Sam’s experience, she said that “male doctors are very reluctant in handing out birth control and don’t believe periods problems exist”.

shoulders and arms to stop sperm production, but then again, we’ve been hearing these rumors for years. Hopefully, one day, the burden will no longer be placed solely on womxn to navigate the treacherous world of birth control. But in all honesty? I wouldn’t hold my breath.

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123 soggy biscuiT

YOU DIDN’T ASK, WE ANSWERED: WHICH BISCUIT IS BEST? WORDS BY CAROLINE MORATTI

GROWING UP, I WAS ALWAYS intrigued by the concept of Soggy Biscuit. I went to a single-sex school, and the rumours I heard wafting off the all-boys boarding houses were, well, were hard to ignore.

For those who don’t know, Soggy Biscuit is a game where a group sits in a circle, masturbating around a biscuit. They would all collectively cum onto the biscuit, and the slowest to do so would have to eat said biscuit at the end. You can see why I was simultaneously appalled and fascinated.

Everyone I’ve spoken to whose ever went to these schools has feverishly denied that they’d ever taken part in such a game. But, well, isn’t that exactly what you would say if you had participated? Despite lack of acknowledgements, these rumours lingered. Tortured me. So, being an avid biscuit lover myself, I decided to power-rank the best biscuits to use in a game of Soggy Biscuit. Hypothetical of course; there’s many things I’m willing to do in the name of journalism, but this is just not one of those things. But looking at factors such as flavour, texture, and size, a biscuit champion was discovered. This assumes two things: you want as little semen as possible, and you want that taste to be disguised as much as possible. Unless you’re into that. But still, remember Soggy Biscuit isn’t your average blowjob swallow - no, it’s the collective semen of many. Tablespoons upon tablespoons. A powerhouse of cum.

COOKIE BEAR HUNDREDS AND THOUSANDS The childhood nostalgia factor of these biscuits is hard to overlook, and hence, they’re not an ideal biscuit for such a sexual act. It’s fun and festive, sure, but a game of soggy biscuit is not a party. It’s a game of shame, of guilty pleasure beyond belief. The texture, too, complicates things. You want to get the biscuit down in a quick gulp, but the hard, persevering nature of the hundreds and thousands lingers, stuck in the edges of your mouth. It’ll do in a pinch, but not one for the hardened player. 3/10

PINK WAFER BISCUITS In theory, these make sense. They’re practically designed for a milky substance, commonly thought of as the ideal biscuit for an ice-cream sandwich. But that, in essence, is their downfall. They’re too willing to soak up moisture, to

become one with the semen. The flavour of ‘pink’ does nothing to mask that. What was once crunchy becomes an appalling mess. Maybe if you wait a few hours, these would stiffen back up again, like socks, right? 2/10

CHOCOLATE FINGERS If you’re into game theory, then this might be the biscuit for you. Practically, there’s no way everyone would be able to aim their semen at this small, cylindrical force of nature, so there’s less semen to cling to the chocolate. However, that being said, the chocolate layer on this biscuit is appallingly thin, so there’s not much to mask the taste. There’s also something weird/kinky about the idea of chocolate fingers and semen. You could say that about the entirety of this list, but the undeniable fact remains that this specific biscuit resembles fingers. Just something to think about. 6/10 CULTURE

3456 GINGERNUTS

Don’t even think about it! This hard son of a bitch will have your jaw chomping and sore before you can even say “that’s a lot of semen”. It gets a bonus point for the fact that you can make a “nut” joke. That’s all. 2/10

SQUIGGLES

In my opinion, Squiggles are a serious contender, but almost everyone I talked to disagreed. For me, there’s so much happening, what with the creamy hokey-pokey layer and the chocolate, that it’s the perfect chaser for some spoonfuls of cum. However, with heavy flavour comes heavy responsibility. Perhaps it’s just too sweet for this Big Mac sauce. And plus, you might, forever, ruin the taste of a most beloved biscuit.

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6/10

MALLOWPUFFS A soggy biscuit, these are not! Think about it, mallowpuffs take at LEAST three decent bites to get down. Sure, the marshmallow layer is tempting for absorbency points, as well the curved design of the biscuit is sure to expel a few stray-shooters. Nevertheless, Mallowpuffs are simply too thick. 4.5/10

TIM TAMS Remember the golden years of Tim Tam Slams? Where you’d bite the edges of and then suck up hot chocolate through the biscuit like a straw? Yeah, so, this is unfortunately not like that at all. Although it could be a kind of a power move to suck the semen through a biscuit, who knows? Overall, this is a tie for second, if you manage to fit the biscuit in your mouth at one go. The chocolate is overwhelming, and that’s really what you want.

chocolate crisp and tempered. Sure, tea at your grandma’s might never be the same again, but then again, maybe nothing is once you’ve masturbated over a biscuit. 7/10

GINGER KISS I tossed and turned for nights about the winner. Who was my golden girl? But then, suddenly, it struck me. Ginger Kisses. Firstly, let’s just get the obvious out of the way: the name is perfect for a wee liaison with jizztown. But, this dense, delicious biscuit with a cream filled layer is a delight for the senses, no matter what you throw at it. The semen is absorbed into the biscuit without compromising its structural integrity. The texture of the semen is hidden perfectly by the cream. Best of all, the cinnamon pairs perfectly with the delicate flavourings of semen; like fish and white wine, they’re just made to complement the sensual nature of the other.

7/10

8/10. It’s not perfect, nothing is. But it’ll be a loyal companion through a stressful moment. And at the end of the day, that’s all you can really ask for.

CHOCOLATE DIGESTIVES

If you have strong thoughts about biscuits and their soggy biscuit ratings, flick an email to editor@massivemagazine. org.nz to have your say.

I was on the fence, but there was strong public opinion behind this little guy. A sturdy, honest biscuit, that will maintain the semen effortless on top. A quick pop in the mouth, and then you’re done. The malt flavouring is strong and wheaty, the

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A GAL REVIEWS BIRTH CONTROL OPTIONS Because I can barely look after myself, let alone a child. WORDS BY COURTNEY HAMMOND

he responsibility of contraception unfortunately, yet typically, lies with the person at risk of falling pregnant. Although we probably wouldn’t want it any other way! Men have had their short chance at trialling hormonal birth control in 2016, and the trial concluded as quickly as it began after reports of major mood swings and acne… poor guys. Luckily, there are so many alternatives! And even some that everyone can give a go. Some with hormones, some without. Even if you can’t remember your daily pill or you hate injections, there’re still options for you. Anything to keep the babies away.

CONDOMS

COMBINATION PILL

A hormone-free contraception method! They are the only contraception besides abstinence to protect against STIs, and the good news is there’s a shared responsibility for them. If male condoms are used correctly, they are 98% effective and female condoms are 95% effective. There’s a lot that can go wrong with condoms. Both male and female condoms can break and tear, people can be allergic to latex and they are not often used perfectly or at the right time.

This pill contains oestrogen and progestogen hormones. When used properly it is 99% effective in preventing pregnancy and there is a 12-hour window for taking this pill! You can also skip your period when taking this pill too! The combination of oestrogen and progestogen can really help with acne and even make your titties grow! What a combo. With all the upsides, this high dose of hormones also comes with its downsides. Serious mood swings along with migraines and a slightly higher chance of blood clots. This pill also doesn’t protect against STIs. And, very easy to forget - it’s only really effective if taken correctly.

Overall, a real 7/10.

PULL-OUT Strong pros for this one! No one needs to be pumped with hormones, no doctors’ appointments to be arranged, and it’s free. Never happens though.

Overall, 6/10.

Overall, -2/10. CULTURE

MINI PILL This pill only contains the progestogen hormone. When used perfectly the mini pill is 99% effective and 93% effective allowing for mistakes. This pill is more suitable for anyone that suffers from migraines too. Although, the mini pill has much high chance of error with a small three-hour window to be taken. You also can’t skip periods with this pill and likely won’t reap the rewards of clear skin that comes with the combo pill. Overall, 5/10.

THE CONTRACEPTIVE IMPLANT/THE ROD The implant is a small rod placed under the skin of a woman’s arm. The implant releases a progestogen hormone and only needs to be replaced every three years! It is super effective at 99% and perfect for those useless at taking pills every day. Although to have the rod fit and removed, a small procedure using local anaesthetic is needed. It also doesn’t protect against STIs. Overall, 9/10.

THE JAB The contraceptive injection is commonly known as Depo Provera, the jab or DP. Like the rod and mini pill, the jab contains progestogen but it is released into the body over 12 weeks. You can get the injection in the butt or your arm and if you get it every 12 weeks it is more than 99% effective. Strong pros for this one! Very effective and doesn’t kill the moment! But… you have to get an injection every three months :( Overall, 5/10.

EMERGENCY CONTRACEPTION Although emergency contraception, also known as the morning after pill, is for emergencies, it actually has a few top tier benefits! For starters it can actually be effective up to five days after unprotected sex, although it’s much more effective the earlier you take it. If taken in the first three days, it’s 85% effective. Anyone can take this pill without a prescription too. Emergency contraception can be used if contraception initially wasn’t, a condom broke or a woman has been sexually assaulted. This last resort does have its downsides too. It can change a woman’s next period, cause nausea and vomiting, mood swings, and it isn’t nearly as effective as most other contraception methods. It also won’t protect against STIs.

INTRAUTERINE DEVICE HORMONAL/MIRENA The hormonal IUD is a small T-shaped plastic containing the progesterone hormone and is fitted inside the uterus. They have to be put in the uterus by a healthcare pro, but they last five years! They are 99.8% effective and can also be used as emergency contraception if fitted within five days of unprotected sex. It is also really common for women’s periods to stop altogether while using this contraception. Probably the one of the most effective contraception methods besides abstinence. Overall, 9/10.

INTRAUTERINE DEVICE COPPER The copper IUD is also a T-shaped plastic containing copper rather than hormones. These too need to be fitted by a healthcare pro but last double the time - up to 10 years! They are 99% effective and can also be used as emergency contraception if fitted in the same five-day window. Unfortunately, the copper IUD isn’t known to stop periods and often makes them more irregular and, to begin with, heavier and longer. However, this is the hormone-free option that is super effective as contraception with not a lot of room for error. With the added perk of lasting 10 years, the copper IUD deserves a 9.5/10.

ABSTINENCE, LOL This is the most full-proof method to avoiding pregnancy. There is absolutely no chance of any unexpected surprises or stressful missed periods. Abstinence is 100% effective. No hormones, doctors’ appointments or latex required. No STIs either! 11/10 for effectiveness.

Editor’s Note: This is not official medical advice, just kind of a vibe check about the different options from people’s personal experiences. As always, talk to your doctor about the variety of options available to you.

Overall, 4/10. BUT VERY GOOD FOR AN EMERGENCY. CULTURE

MANAGE YOUR STRESS IN THE LEAD UP TO EXAMS? Looking for a positive impact on your wellbeing? Keep well in the run up to exams Discover 10 things you can do

MYHUB.MASSEY.AC.NZ WELLBEING | GREAT DREAM

CULINARYLINGUS

BANANA BREAD BY RIMU BHOOI

Bananas are the bane of my existence. I always buy a bunch on my Monday arvo shop; thinking this will finally be the week I start making healthy detox smoothies. Then it’s mid-week and the late-night Netflix sessions mean I sleep well past smoothie o’clock. Instead of binning the almost rotten ‘nanas, I just chuck em in the freezer. By the time the weekend comes around, I’m ready to give up on my health dream, but then remember my frozen bad bois. I need to incentivise myself to do almost everything, and this recipe is no different. You can make this GF, vegan, and nut-free. In other words, budget-friendly! P.S. Chuck those frozen bananas in the microwave for one minute, peel and all, and they’ll be super easy to peel.

I N G R E D I E N T S ( 8 S E RV I N G S )

1. 3 large overripe bananas 2. ¼ cup vegetable oil 3. ½ cup sugar

METHOD

1. Heat ya sad crusty oven to 190°C on fan forced bake. 2. In a large mixing bowl, mash three overripe bananas with a fork. 3. Add the oil and sugar and mix until well combined. 4. Sift in the flour, cinnamon and baking powder, and fold the mixture until there’s no dry flour left. 5. Chuck in some choccie chips, and give it a lil stir so they’re not lumped together.

4. 1 ¼ cup flour 5. 3 tsp baking powder 6. 3 tsp cinnamon

7. ½ cup chocolate chips

6. Line a small bread/cake tin with baking paper and grease with oil. 7. Smush the mixture into the tin and be sure to fill up the corners or your bread will be weird. 8. Bake for 30 minutes. 9. If the top of the bread is browned, remove the tin and wrap some tin-foil over the top and return to oven. If it looks golden, don’t touch it!

10. Cook for a further 10 minutes. Undercooked is better than a dry crumbly mess. 11. Let cool slightly, then remove from tin and let that shit rest for 30 minutes before slicing it up and spreading some marg, Nutella or jam on the slices. 12. Share with your flatties, or don’t. Take to bed, and binge watch The Witcher yet again. COLUMNS

I have a guilty confession: I like to sleep naked, and somethings I leave skid marks. It’s just one of those things that you learn to live with, because honestly, sleeping naked is a joy I wouldn’t give up for anything in this world. Well, the other night, I brought a girl round. We’d been on a couple of dates, had fucked at hers a bit, but this was her first time coming to mine. I really like her, she’s just cool and up for anything, especially sex wise. So, we were getting hot and heavy, the usual, when she suddenly jumps up and says she’d like to be gagged. Fuck, it was sexy. The only trouble is, it’s not like I had a natural ball gag with me, and I wasn’t about to stuff one of my nice Huffer t-shirts into this chick’s mouth. So, we use my single top sheet, which had curled up towards the end of my bed. Tie it around her head, stuffed into her mouth, she was really frothing it. Balls deep at this point, just having the time of my life.

H O W

Got a confession, a naughty tale, a sexy story? Email sexcapades@massivemagazine.org.nz to submit yours xoxox

A D U L T

How to healthily ask for consent

FIRST, THE BODY LANGUAGE. In any situation, check yours and their body language. No matter who you’re with, make sure they’re both enthusiastic and aware. A fuck on a light buzz is all well and good, but if either of you are drunk, fucked or munted, back the fuck up. Get them an Uber home and a bottle of water, if it was meant to be you’ll get that 3am horny DM in the coming days. This also applies to any other intoxicant, cooked, drunk or pinging. If they’re intoxicated, they’re not up for it. NEXT, THE VERBAL “FUCK YEAH”. If you both seem peachy keen then it’s time to break out that twisted tongue of yours. Ask if they’re up for it. I don’t care if they’ve been bouncing on your lap all night, if you don’t ask and get an answer, you’ll never know for sure. Depending on the dynamic, mix up your question with some names, from “What do you want to do now, baby?” to a “Do you want to fuck me, daddy?” or even a “I want you to ruin me till I’m shaking with every inch, master”, get creative, get jiggy with it. It’s always fun to hear what’s going to happen, and don’t go a second further unless you hear a “fuck yeah” back, or any similar keen response.

But that’s when I saw it: A large, brown streak mark strewn across the sheet gagged in her mouth. I couldn’t hide my look of horror. She smelt it first though, obviously. Maybe even tasted it, I’m not sure. All I knew was that in a matter of seconds she was ripping the sheet off, desperate to get out of there. She grabbed off her stuff and made a break for it, can’t say I didn’t blame her. Now she won’t answer my messages, again not totally surprising. Really shoulda washed the bed.

T O

You’re getting down and dirty, getting ready to do the do, you both seem keen, steamy and raunchy, but wait, neither of you have said a word yet. Whether you’re a talker or not, getting verbal and enthusiastic consent is beyond important in any sexual encounter. Here are some tips and tricks for getting that verbal yes when you’re often at a loss for words.

By Liam McGuire

THEN, CHECK INS. In the midst of getting your freak on, it’s still important to make sure they are comfortable. From a “How do you like that?” or a “Tell me how this feels”, checking in is always important. If you’re trying something new, changing positions, or just switching it up a little, get a verbal yes for everything. It might feel unnecessary to you, but opening up the space for people to back out or ask for things to be different will always be appreciated. Trust me. FINALLY, THE POST-FUCK THANKS. After that final sweaty symphony, don’t be a twat and zonk off to sleep. Stay up a while, see how they are, do they need some water, a cuddle, a towel, or a cab home? If they have decided to spend their time, energy and bodily fluids sharing a fuck with you, the least you can do is make sure they’re comfortable, cuddled and looked after. No matter what, no matter how horny, desperate or straight up feening for a fuck, nobody owes you one. If it’s not an enthusiastic yes, then it’s a no. That applies to sex itself, or anything within that, from wearing a condom to slapping their ass silly. Just because you’re into it doesn’t mean that they are too. And besides, there’s always porn if you’re too uptight to communicate.

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H A

O D

W U L

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Apply online.

careers.silverfernfarms.com COLUMNS

SNIP, SNOP, SNAP SEND US YOUR SNAPS TO GET FEATURED IN NEXT WEEK’S EDITION @MASSIVE_MAG

COLUMNS

Exec’s Columns

MAWSA: TESSA GUEST

ASA: BEN AUSTIN

SO we’re in the thick of it aren’t we - I thought I’d hit you guys with some tips & tricks for keeping things fresh! 1. Change up your work space. I like to enjoy the outdoors wherever possible (picture above). Highly recommend 2. Change up ur location of caffeine boost. Preservatorium on Webb St or Franks on Adelaide Rd are both 10 mins from campus, but worlds apart on a scale of vibes! 3. Change your TUNE. New music can be an absolute game changer! Hit up Eyegum (free weekly gig @ San Fran) for live & local talent, or scour your friend’s Spotify profiles for a cheeky wee study playlist! With love, TG xx

It’s that time of the year when the associations and clubs run their Annual General Meetings (AGM) and Special General Meetings (SGM). These meetings are some of the most important events of the year since this is where we show you, the students, all the hard work we have done since the start of our terms. It is also the time where we give some insight of what we have planned for the rest of the year. This is your chance to have a say in what the associations and clubs are doing. Not to plug an event or anything, but the ASA has their AGM on the 19th of May (THIS WEDNESDAY). Club execs, don’t forget to show up to make sure you can have your say.

MUSA: FATIMA IMRAN

M@D: JACALYN CLARE AND JAX WATT

Marhaba everyone!! Hope you are doing well and are keeping on top of studies while enjoying life here in Palmy. Eid Mubarak to all our Muslim friends here at Massey. Hope the month of fasting went well for you all and hope you all enjoyed Eid I know I did. This week I want to talk a little bit more about mental health and taking care of oneself. No matter how packed your schedule is, make sure to just stop for a while and take a break. Even if it is just going for a quick walk, having a cup of tea or coffee, or just sitting and reflecting, this will help rescue you from the verge of burnout. I personally recommend spending a couple hours each week doing some form of vigorous exercise, be it playing sports or going for a run. An increased resp rate and heart rate really distracts oneself from things causing stress.

You may not often read Massive, but you know how to let us know you’re unhappy about it! Like those who have left comments on Facebook and in our inbox, we’re also over articles that aren’t concerned with fact-checking or unbiased journalism. We heard you when you said these articles are getting old. We heard you when you pointed out that it’s not a drama when a board member becomes an employee or moves from one board position to another. We didn’t think so either! But, why let fact get in the way of a good story when sensationalism works so well? Why else would you call people “cucks” for trying address high organizational expenditures, paid for out of the students’ pockets? Clearly, this is just about telling a good tale.

COLUMNS

puzzles CROSSWORD

Printable Sudoku - Hard - 04/13/2021

7 5

QUICK 1 7QUIZ8 1. 2. 3. 4. 5.

7 5

11. A calming, pleasurable feeling often accompanied by a tingling sensation (4) 13. A sexual activity, rushed or skipped by men (8)13/04/21, 4:14 PM 15. Fleshy dildo (5) 16. Stone creature projecting from the gutter of a building (8) 17. Sexually arousing literature (7) 18. When someone takes one up the bum with a sprap on (6) 22. Anyone who says they’ve never eaten their boogers is a ____ (4) 9

Sudoku - Hard

04/13/2021

DOWN 1 This beer brand is world famous in NZ for its cheap price and inconsistent flavour (5) 13/04/21, 4:14 PM 2. To suffer with patience (4) 3. Thin rubber material, commonly associated with sexual fetishes (5) 5. Vegetable conundrum (6) 6. If it’s yellow, let it ____ (6) 7. Talking bear from Darkest Peru (10) 04/13/2021 9. Seriously considering quitting uni to pursue a career on _____ (8)

9 7

2 1

What object is a clitoris most similar in shape to? A) a button B) a wishbone C) an eraser 9 4 1 7 9 4 4 True or False: Penises used to have spikes all over them 5 effective are6condoms at preventing 4 pregnancy and45STI transmission? 76 1 How How many nerve endings does the clitoris have? 7 8 1 7 2 8 4 A teaspoon of semen contains how many calories?

5 2

WORD WHEEL 5

8 1

SUDOKU 3

QUIZ ANSWERS:

Sudoku - Hard

19. Film genre that gives you nightmares (6) 20. Most women have two (4) 21. Religion based on the quran (5) 23. The offspring of a male lion and female tiger (5) 24. A magical little winged creature that puts your dishes in the dishwasher (5) 25. Legendary Jedi master (4) 26. Addictive online fantasyadventure game (9)

1. B 2. True! 3. 98% effective 4. 8,000 5. 5

Printable Sudoku - Hard - 04/13/2021

ACROSS 1. Masturbatory aid for men (10) 4. Tinned meat (4) 8. ‘Only smoking on the piss’ still counts as a nictotine ____ (9) 10. A bodily secretion. Kind of like boogers but nowhere near as delicious (6) 12. Plastic penis (5) 14. An institution for young souls whose parents have sadly passed on (9)

1 5

Easy

https://sudoku.cool/sudoku/printable-hard-sudoku.php

1 3

7 8

1 4

9 2

5 2

8 1

9 2

87 4

7 8

Hard

https://sudoku.cool/sudoku/printable-hard-sudoku.php

The target is to create as many words of 4 letters 9 the7letters once only1and always or more, using including the letter in the middle of the wheel.

4 7

5 2

A5 S

R T

4-letter words: 19 5-letter words:12

Page 1 of 4

2 4

I 8

6-letter words: 7 9-letter words: 1 Page 1 of 4 COLUMNS

horoscopes Aquarius:

Aries:

Get checked out before you get a secondhelping of the ol’ fudge pie. It’s been a bit itchy down there. Your sex position of the week: The Pretzel

Lube yourself up, it’s gonna be a big week. Your sex position of the week: The Wheelbarrow

Cancer:

Capricorn:

Stop watching so much porn, seriously. It’s not healthy. We’re worried about you.

You will rediscover a long-lost passion. Yes, it’s dry humping.

Your sex position of the week: The LeapFrog

Your sex position of the week: The Couch Grind

Gemini:

Leo:

You’re going through a bit of a dry spell, but that’s okay! Treat yourself to a trashy movie, get the lights down low...who needs anyone else? Your sex position of the week: Masturbation

There will come a time soon, where you will need condoms. Stock up sooner, rather than later. Don’t even consider using a plastic bag and rubber band (we know you’re considering it). Your sex position of the week: Reverse Cowgirl

Libra:

Pisces:

Send out those drunk ‘Up2?’s. For every 10 you send, you will get one positive answer. Your sex position of the week: The Notebook

Start talking during sex. A lot. Tell them what you’ve had for breakfast. Tell them about your Grandma’s 80th birthday celebrations. They’ll like it, I promise. Your sex position of the week: The Spinx

Sagittarius:

Scorpio:

Be careful with your moves this week. Let’s just say, a leg spasm is coming your way. Your sex position of the week: The G-Whiz

Consider spicing things up a bit. Introduce roleplay to your sex routine. Perhaps lecturer and student? Your sex position of the week: The Golden Arch

Taurus:

Virgo:

Snacks in the bedroom are a must. Think crackers, bananas, you know, the usual. Your sex position of the week: The FaceOff

You will have the best sex of your life this week. Honestly life changing. Too bad it’s with the wrong person. Your sex position of the week: The Spread Eagle

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