Massive Magazine Issue 12 2021 by Massive Magazine

MASSIVE

ISSUE 12

MAY 24/2021

Table of Contents 06 11 12 14 16 18 22 26 28 30 33 34 35 36 37 38 39

News Radio Control 99.4FM Top 10 Māori Scholarships BYOs Shit in Student Flats How to Cure 2am Boredom Tupuna Whaea Blanket Forts RTD Review How to Party in Albany Culinarylingus Sexcapades How to Adult Snaps Exec Columns Puzzles Horoscopes

14 26

EDITOR Caroline Moratti

PHOTOGRAPHERS Callum Parsons, Liam McGuire

SUB EDITOR Jamie Mactaggart

ILLUSTRATOR Tallulah Farrar @tallulahfarrar

NEWS EDITOR James Pocock STAFF WRITERS Cameron Taylor, Elena McIntyre-Reet, Rimu Bhooi, Liam McGuire, Ari Prakash, Courtney Hammond, Mason Tangatatai DESIGNER Micah Davis-Rae

CONTACT

Massive is registered under the New Zealand Press Council which allows our reader to reach out to an independent forum for resolving complaints you may have.

editor@massivemagazine.org.nz Facebook/massive.magazine Instagram/massivemagazine www.massivemagazine.org.nz

Massive is also a member of the Aotearoa Student Press Association.

READ ONLINE issu.com/massivemagazine

The views, beliefs and opinions reflected in the pages of Massive do not necessarily represent those of Massey University, its staff, ASA, MUSA, MAWSA, M@D or the Massive Editor. MAWSA is an independent organisation

Got a letter to the Editor? Email editor@massivemagazine. org.nz to rant, flirt, complain, whatever x

that publishes Massive. Send any queries or complaints directly to Massive at editor@massivemagazine. org.nz. Massive is subject to the New Zealand Press Council. If a complainant is not satisfied with the response from W, the complaint may be referred to the Press Council: info@presscouncil.org.nz or online via presscouncil.org.nz.

Editorial

I’M TIRED OF PEOPLE TAKING OFFENCE AT FEMALE BODIES

Last week we published the Sex Issue, and fuck, I was so proud of it. For the cover, we shot and picked an image that, in my mind, just seemed unbelievably strong. Tits out, relaxed, confident. A “fuck you” was shaved into their pubes because we wanted to promote ideas around sexual agency. It’s a fuck you to the weird, heteronormative ideas of virginity. A fuck you to sexual assault and violence. A fuck you to everyone who has shamed others around lack of sex, or too much sex. A fuck you to the policing and controlling of female bodies. However, not everyone agreed with this cover. A university café, where we have a stand just outside, filed a formal complaint that this cover was “offensive”, that we were subjecting people to this image, and asked that the stand be moved. We had a café employee ask that we remove the magazine from all public areas across campus. We also had a Zoom call with the University asking what our processes was for picking our covers. Whilst we haven’t received a single student complaint (who is the audience for our magazine!), we sure heard from a lot of adults who liked to speak on behalf of students. I understand some people may feel uncomfortable around these images. We even had the classic ‘won’t somebody think of the children?’ line thrown at us, uncannily like that scene from the Simpsons. God, I love the Simpsons. This year our covers, to name a few, have featured people snorting lines, taking acid, and smoking weed out of a banana. How many complaints have we received for this imagery you may be wondering? A big fat fucking zero. No talk of staff members having these ideas “thrust” in their faces or of young children being traumatised. But yet, the minute we put a woman’s body on the cover, suddenly these voices become very loud. And I don’t think that’s a coincidence. If you think the issue is about nudity, then let’s go there. For the last few weeks, we’ve had a photograph of a naked male torso with the word “Massive” blocking out his cock, as a sign on a bunch of our stands. Listen, we’re called Massive; if you think I’m gonna pass up the opportunity to make a dick joke, you’re wrong. But we had all the same factors here: nipples and a “very close” to the genitals cutoff. No one complained! And it wasn’t even a once-off cover, it was a stand. But because it was a male, it was normalised, not “offensive”. Fuck that noise. So, if you feel uncomfortable with our last cover, think about why. Re-examine your internalised (or not-so-internal) sexism. Free the fucking nip, it’s 2021. Free the pubic hair. Free it all. We’re a student magazine in a student space. As student areas flatting areas get more gentrified and parties get more policed, universities should be spaces for students! Since, you know, we’re paying enough fucking money for it. Simply put, it’s not our job to cater to children. But even if it was, children HAVE seen nipples before in their lifetime, believe it or not. Staff members have seen the word “fuck” before. And trust me, Massive has got plenty more fucks where that came from. X Caroline

LETTERS TO THE EDITOR SLIDE INTO OUR DMS (@MASSIVEMAGAZINE) OR EMAIL EDITOR@MASSIVEMAGAZINE.ORG.NZ TO HAVE YOUR SAY

Correction: Last issue, in the piece “The Great Ups and Downs of Birth Control” we incorrectly implied that, at a chiropractor’s and physiotherapy clinic, female patients were prescribed Panadol whilst male patients were prescribed Codeine for similar levels of pain. Our interviewee was speaking broadly, and was not referring to any one chiropractor clinic, as was implied by the piece.

DEar massive. your name is very fitting because you are all MASSIVE IDIOTS!!1. you must all just write your articles high as a kite since your obsessed with talking about drugs. i will be sending your magazines to the police and see how they feel about the hard cold evidence that you’re all druggos!!!!! disgusting

What’s with the same two sudokus in the puzzle page? I like to do the Easy ones, whilst my boyfriend does the Hard ones (because I’m easy and he’s hard. Get it) but this week we had to do the same one TOGETHER. Had a big fight, nearly ruined our relationship. Thanks Massive :(

Why is my flatmate locked in the bathroom with a copy of your latest magazine? He came home really suddenly, said he “had to do work” and hasn’t left the bathroom in 40 minutes. Keep hearing out of breath noises and moaning, but he keeps yelling it’s just the pipes every time I knock on the door. Any suggestions??

Karen

FLETCH, VAUGHAN & MEGAN WEEKDAYS 6AM–10AM

90.9FM

MASSIVE NEWS

One exec to rule them all: student execs look to merge Maybe we can finally get rid of all those confusing acronyms! JAMIE MACTAGGART

NATIONAL NEWS

Massey’s Manawatū, Wellington, Albany, and Distance Students’ Associations are considering merging into a single association, a press release on Monday 17 May stated. The merge would seek to unify the “four siloed voices” of the current associations and provide a “more equitable student experience across all campuses”. The merge is currently in the initial stages of discussion, but investigations into what a merge would look like are underway. All four associations have been investigating the options and benefits of a merge, alongside partner

associations such as Kōkiri Ngātahi and Manawatahi. Some of the benefits outlined in the press release include the opportunity to build an association that honours Te Tiriti, streamline services to increase equity across campuses, cater to the increase of students who study both internally and by distance, and have a stronger student voice. Increasing the equity of funding and services across all campuses is a key motivator in this potential merge. The idea is that despite the University operating as one system across four cohorts, the associations are operating as separate entities. In theory, if the merge were to go ahead, the student voice would be amplified and services across all four cohorts would be more equitable. MAWSA President Tessa Guest, on behalf of the various exec presidents, explains, “We advocate for equity more than equality – currently, the four associations receive hugely different funding pools, which don’t reflect student populations of cohorts. We think funding should reflect student populations more accurately.” NEWS

The merge would also provide the opportunity to have a restructure of how Massey University Students’ Associations Federation (MUSAF) is governed. Tessa confirmed that “the structure will certainly look different to the way MUSAF looks now, as Māori and Pasifika representation will be included within the governance restructure”. Both the press release and the Presidents have affirmed the importance of honouring Te Tiriti in a restructure, seeing a merge as “an opportunity to build an association that honours Te Tiriti with genuine cogovernance”. Some students on Facebook expressed their disapproval of the announcement, saying “I’m concerned about this decision, where’s the students being involved in this discussion? I feel like an SGM is necessary to discuss this so students can feel involved in this decision.” Another student questioned MUSA specifically. “So when you say you’re investigating the idea of merging, where does already letting a bunch of MUSA staff go fit into that current/ future ‘investigation’?” A merge will change the way the students’ associations across Massey operate, looking to bring about a positive, meaningful, and equitable experience for all Massey students – wherever they’re based. However, with discussions and investigations still in the very beginning stages, a lot of logistical questions still remain unanswered. Each association will be providing students with further information and context over the coming weeks, so keep an eye out for that. Student consultation looks to be of the upmost importance as this “history-making decision” develops. If you want to have your voice heard and be a part of the decision, email your cohort President or merge@ mawsa.org.nz.

date. In a letter written by Richard Stephens, Danielle Jones and Salla Garam, they say that this decision has not been taken lightly, but that the petitioners of the SGM thought it was in the best interest of M@D members, remaining board and the Co-Presidents. “This postponement will enable some much-needed breathing space as well as ensure due process and the constitution is followed,” they say. They continue, “The Co-Presidents are asked during this period of their obligation to provide moral and visionary leadership as well as build and maintain positive relationships with relationships with relevant stakeholders,” as well as that continuing to actively participate in governance alongside their remaining board member. Mysteriously, the letter says, “Of concern has been some communications with members of M@D which falls short of what would be deemed appropriate and have impacted on the well-being of individual members.” As to when the SGM will happen is unclear, but with the semester rapidly coming to a close, it’s anyone’s guess!

NZUSA disappointed with accommodation inquiry

Spicy Distance SGM delayed The drama may be delayed but the fun never stops x JAMES POCOCK

NATIONAL NEWS

Student representatives believe an inquiry into student accommodation by the Education and Workforce Select Committee has not properly addressed all students concerns. The final report on the inquiry was released this month, and concludes that a newly proposed pastoral care code for 2022 is essential. Its main recommendations include increased for student accommodation providers and a larger student voice in decision making around accommodation.

CAROLINE MORATTI

DISTANCE NEWS

The controversial M@D SGM, which was to vote on enforcing a code of conduct on the Co-Presidents, has been delayed from its original date of 19 May to an unspecified

The New Zealand Union of Students’ Association (NZUSA) National President Andrew Lessells said that the Committee missed an opportunity to protect students by providing them rights under the Residential Tenancies Act (RTA). “Students currently have differing rights depending on their institution and have no clarity on what they’re entitled to. Putting halls under the RTA would solve many of NEWS

these challenges.” Under current law, student accommodation is exempt from the RTA, but providers are required to provide extra services. Even accommodation that is not specifically for students, but is run by a tertiary education provider, can be exempt from the RTA. The findings of the inquiry states that requirements for student wellbeing in their proposed code will go well beyond what is required by the RTA. “We have, through robust consideration, agreed that if a strong and effective, specialised dispute resolution process is established as outlined in the draft domestic student dispute resolution scheme rules, it would better fulfil the intended aims of those who instead sought inclusion in the Residential Tenancies Act,” it says. Lessells was also disappointed that the Committee did not make any recommendations after an investigation into whether halls should be run for-profit. “Despite submitters overwhelmingly recommending that student accommodation should be not-for-profit, the Committee has chickened out of making a recommendation.” The inquiry says that submitters who discussed the option of not-for-profit halls understood that it could increase students’ fees and potentially limit the number of places available in student accommodation. “The majority of us think there should be a variety of operational models for reasons of supply and choice,” it says.

Palmerston North bar staff against 2am curfew At least some people are on the students’ side

from the public, but he believes the proposed measures set to be implemented in August this year are ineffectual and unnecessary. “A very small percentage of people talk about violence and make a big noise, making the media think it’s a big deal and putting pressure on councilors. The sample size must be big enough to show that change is wanted. But I’d say 90% don’t care between 2am or 3am even.” He says violence had not been increasing recently on Main Street at least, and as for the violence that did occur, alcohol could not take the full blame as incidents came from those who were already inclined to be aggressive and argumentative. “Stopping alcohol won’t stop the violence. I believe that’s the wrong track.” He believes an earlier curfew would only worsen the problem as restless young people who still had energy to burn would try and find something else to do. “Lots of young people go looking for afterparties at 2am.” He estimates that with the policy change, over 100 staff throughout Palmy bars would potentially have some hours cut. He says his observations were based off his 10 years of experience and a voluntary six-month trial of the 2am closing which 12 Palmerston North bars, his own included, undertook in 2017. “Six months and it didn’t change anything.” Bar manager at the Brewer Apprentice, Dylan, also recalls the trial and agrees the policy will not do anything to remedy issues with alcohol-induced violence. “On paper, it looks really good, but in practice it’s not going to really help the situation. All that closing the bars at 2 will do is encourage people to start drinking earlier, encourage more binge drinking,” he says. He has observed that the Council’s concern over increasing alcohol-induced violence in central areas like Main Street and Broadway are still justified. “I wouldn’t say it is extreme, but I would say there has definitely been an increase in alcohol-induced violence.” However, he believes the most effective way to reduce alcohol-fueled conflict is further spacing out the time people have to leave town. “They could extend the curfew out to 4am, like in Wellington. What that does is it spaces everything out more in terms of everyone going home at the same time.” The policy is due to come into action in August. It has gone through seven years and three rounds of consultation and only one councilor out of 16 remains against the change.

JAMES POCOCK

MANAWATŪ NEWS

A Palmerston North bar owner claims a vocal minority has influenced the council in its decision to reduce bars and clubs closing times from 3am to 2am. Martin Wang owns The Office, a central bar down Main Street and a popular nightlife spot in the city. He says he is sympathetic to the pressure the city’s councilors are facing NEWS

Radio revival in the works for Albany campus Is there a growing passion for student media in Albany? God, we hope not, competition scares us.

Massey’s Pūhoro STEM Academy to receive 2.97 mil JAMIE MACTAGGART

NATIONAL NEWS

$2.97 million in funding, rolled out over three years, will be given to the Pūhoro STEM Academy, Associate Minister for Māori Education Kelvin Davis announced today. This funding will mean that thousands of tauira will have access to the programme, referred to as a “transformational springboard for Māori secondary students” which provides pathways into tertiary study. Pūhoro STEM Academy was launched in 2016 following low engagement of young Māori in science and technology career pathways. Pūhoro’s goal is to develop a community of Māori leaders in science, engineering, innovation, and technology. Since it launched, Pūhoro has garnered over 1000 students across Aotearoa.

JAMES POCOCK

ALBANY NEWS

A full set of equipment for a radio studio on the Albany campus may finally see use after gathering dust for years. Massey PhD candidate Akshya Ilangovan is aiming to start a podcast for students. She said the idea is still in its early stages, and she has designed a survey to find out what students would be most interested to hear. “For the most part, the podcast will focus on topics of environment, education, getting through university, mental health, sexual health,” she said. She also wants the podcast to highlight the unique individual experiences of Massey students. “I plan on having a segment dedicated to differently abled persons and how they find uni life.” The passion project has so far been propelled solo by Akshya, but she is looking to change that, saying, “it would be great to put a small team together and I am working on this”. However, the exact origins of this radio equipment seem destined to remain a mystery. ASA President Ben Austin said he believes Massey may have bought the equipment a few years ago when Radio Control, the student run radio station from the Manawatū campus, wanted to start an Albany branch. However, he does not know any further details. “I was just told about it a few months ago,” he said. He said the project ended with a lack of student volunteers. There was an attempt to restart it last year, which only garnered around three actual volunteers from more than ten signatures as he recalls. Massey’s Communications team was approached about the radio equipment, but they were unable to find anyone who knew about the radio equipment in time for print. Oh well, finders keepers!

Massey’s Vice Chancellor, Jan Thomas, says in a press release, “To see Māori students take their rightful place within the fields of science, engineering and technology is a positive demonstration of our aspiration to be Te Tiriti led and Massey’s commitment to improve educational outcomes for iwi, hapū and whānau.” The Deputy Vice Chancellor Māori, Professor Meihana Durie, adds, “The additional boost for Pūhoro today recognises the ongoing puāwaitanga, or fruition of this initiative in ways that also recognises the rapid and growing demand from rangatahi Māori across STEM related areas of study.” This funding will allow the programme to grow to cover 5000 students all across the country.

Microwave wars The biggest upset since the infamous Fridge Fiasco of ‘93 JAMES POCOCK

NATIONAL NEWS

A set of microwaves on the Albany campus has sparked off an ongoing conflict between ASA executive rebels and the imperial Massey Health and Safety team. This is potentially the biggest drama of the year, and yes we’re counting the resignation of half the Distance Exec. ASA Welfare Officer Amy Wang has been attempting to address the issue of unhygienic microwaves in the Albany campus library. Attached signs told students to clean up after themselves but the nearly impossible instruction was made more impossible with no cleaning products provided for the task. Cleaning products were eventually procured by the library, but this has only consisted of spray bottles without anything to wipe with. Amy says, “I saw two spray bottles there, but NEWS

there is no paper towels or cloths? How do you expect students to clean it? Michaela just took two rolls of paper towels from ASA to leave on the microwave, but not long after, the paper towels were gone. I don’t know who took them, but they’re gone.” Amy told the Campus Operations Manager through email that even with meagre cleaning supplies provided, students realistically still won’t clean up after themselves, even though she agreed with Massey it should be their responsibility in an ideal world.

speculates it is possible they have not been cleaned at all during that time. Two of the microwaves in the library were not working properly either. Operations notified her they were aware of the microwaves that weren’t working and would soon fix the problem. Six days later they emailed to say the issue of one microwave not working has been “resolved”. The resolution involved removing the broken microwave and presumably throwing it out, without a replacement.

“Obviously, we can’t count on students to maintain a sanitary condition,” she said.

“I don’t know what happened to that microwave. Have they taken it to fix? Are they going to provide a new one? I don’t know,” she said.

She attempted to get the Massey Health and Safety team to act by suggesting at their last monthly meeting a Massey cleaner could add cleaning the microwaves to their rotation of work.

The most recent email sent to Amy by Campus Operations Manager John Shimwell, sent on 20 April, suggests a review of the situation at the end of Semester One to “see how things are going”. Lol.

Soon after the meeting, she said she was approached by a staff member who told her they didn’t want the issue on their meeting minutes because the issue was not for health and safety, it was for the operations team. “I said ‘no, it can be very serious. Even one bacteria in the microwave can kill a person straight away.’ He said it wasn’t that serious, but if anything happens, then it is going to be too late.” She attempted to ask if there was any department that could clean the microwaves once a week, but the staff member dismissed the suggestion and said it would cost too much money. “I just asked how hard is it to add on cleaning a microwave to a cleaner’s job for a couple of minutes a week? He asked me, ‘How hard is it to get students clean the microwave for ten seconds?’ We stick the note on the microwave, but we can’t 100% guarantee that students will clean the microwave, but if we ask paid staff to do it, this job will definitely be done.” She said she found the staff members general tone and attitude toward her to be mean and offensive. “The reason we are on that board is to represent the student voice. But they want us to shut up.” A back-and-forth correspondence between Amy and various Massey representatives about the microwaves first began on 25 January of this year. During communications with Massey staff, it sometimes took up to two weeks for Amy to get a response.

Massive fucks up, underestimates amount of news they need Nothing to see here! This piece is definitely not a space-filler! MASSIVE REPORTERS

ALBANY NEWS

The Massive office was met with a devastating blow when they realised, mere hours away from print, they still had half a page of news to fill. Tears were shed, voices raised. “What the fuck do we fill the space with?” lamented Jamie Mactaggart, Sub Editor.

“First time I brought up this issue was January. We are now in the middle of May. I just feel so disappointed and frustrated. We represent the student voice, but no one is listening to us.”

Caroline Moratti, Editor, was in favour of putting in more Simpsons screencaps. Micah Davis-Rae, Designer, was firmly against the idea, saying “we already have about seven bloody Simpsons photos!”

She said the issue even extends much further back than even these emails show, sharing with Massive pictures she took as far back as October last year demonstrating how messy the microwaves were. She said she knew the microwaves had been there for at least three years. Massive

After a bit of a talk, the three friends all decided that five pages of news was, in fact, “actually a bit too much” and “who gives a fuck anyway”. They all called it a day and had a lovely pint down at the bar.

NEWS

RADIO CONTROL 99.4FM TOP 10

The FM Stands For Flute SOFTF In ENERGY (Eyeliner Wonderland Mix) Mermaidens Amamelia

jazz breaks HOUSE FULLholes OF SHIT ABG Night Lunch

arachis allergy OPERATOR PLZ (IMUGI Jackaltheblackal REMIX) Amamelia

Crit+ THE MORE YOU DON’T Milk KNOW, THE LESS YOU KNOW Fruit Juice Parade

Seedling (feat. Troy Kingi) FALL 10:32 2XM & Caramel Smooth Heaven

DOWNTOWN THERE’S NO REASONS DJ Gran Turismo I KNOW Polaroids of Polarbears

A Dream So Good FINE Salt Water Sheep, DogCriminals & Wolf

Chilly COMBINE HARVESTER Polly hill Sex Opposite

HIT PICK

Horror In Clay Bring Out Your Dead

ANNA’S PICK

ROLLYZ HOUSEQUIT FULLHIS OF JOB SHIT DARTZ Night Lunch

FELIX’S PICK

Entertainment Anthonie Tonnon

CALLUM’S PICK

Parnassus Van Grecco Romank

Deep Crecents CANDOR AND REASON IN Sheep, Dog & Wolf CHAT mr sterile

Sunrise Lullaby LIGHNING BOLT (FEAT Dr. Reknaw BAILEY WILEY) Combine Harvester

AB & HUMMUS’ PICK:

Pour One Out Mazbou Q

COLUMNS

O P I N I O N

Words by Mason Tangatatai

STOP COMPLAINING ABOUT MĀORI SCHOLARSHIPS

Māori scholarship slander has tight-roped the tongues of casual (and not so casual) racists since they were introduced into legislation nearly 50 years ago. In my history as a Māori university student, I have been exposed to a roundtable of conspiracy theories framing the indigenous scholarship schemes as unfair handouts or giveaways. In my greatest myth-bust yet, let’s talk about Māori scholarships, their importance, and why people should stop complaining.

Stripped to its core, a scholarship is a lump sum of money that assists the pursuit of tertiary education. While many people view money as the gateway to success, for Māori recipients, money is often valued as an opportunity rather than a luxury. Picture this - you’re a straight A+ student, an academic freak who pulled teeth to finish at the top. Prizegiving rolls around and your name is called for a scholarship worth $10,000. You strut the assembly stage FEATURES

being paraded for your accomplishments, but turn to see a Māori student trailing behind you, hoisting the same award. What do you do next? a) Turn around, hurl your certificate like a ninja star in an attempt to severely injure…we’re talking bullseyes. b) Burst out in a spontaneous haka (preferably Ka Mate, as this is the only one you know the words too..ish) to assert your dominance. c) Write a scathing one-star review on the school’s Google page, using the full word count to express the obvious corruption and agenda pushing from the school’s managing body. d) Continue walking, snatch your $10,000 and have a successful university and post-study career.

fairness and equality - ironic right? A classic rebuttal in the war against Māori scholarships - and one I’ve heard more times than te reo spoken on Massey campuses - is the “I’m 1/64th Māori so I’ll ruin it for everyone” argument. Now, I’m no gatekeeper to university academic funding. If you have whakapapa you are eligible, if you have whakapapa you are Māori. This doesn’t mean you should automatically apply. For me, it comes down to a combination of intention, need, and connection. If you are applying because you disagree with the system and just want a slice of the pie, don’t. If a Māori scholarship will make no difference in your academic journey, don’t. If you are unwilling to form a connection and act with tikanga and te ao Māori in mind, don’t.

It’s easy to kick up a fuss when others seem to be enjoying advantages that you are not. This simple concept has ignited the Pākehā community to furl their brows, pull up their socks and kick the door down on our aspiring rangatahi in search of higher education.

In each case the individuals in question know whether they need a Māori scholarship or not – there is nothing to gain by spoiling other people’s success.

Māori scholarships give non-believers a quick’n’easy opportunity to convince whānau and friends that you don’t hate tangata whenua – it’s simple, all you have to do is not complain.

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Land theft

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Being accused of criminal behaviour while shopping at various New Worlds

Through Māori scholarships our rangatahi have an opportunity to grow their knowledge at a level that many of their peers cannot.

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Having your language “simplified” because learning the difference between a and ā is too much effort

Access to mātauranga has plagued our tamariki since universities were first created. A colonial pillar was built at the centre of the university structure, advancing the wealthy and excluding everyone else. We see this archaic model transpire today as our students venture into the working world, often with upwards of $50,000 in debt. As you can imagine, this lifestyle is not an option for many.

To take a page from tikanga Māori, we can all adopt the spirit of kotahitanga. This means to unite in solidarity. As a student body, we need to raise our whanaungatanga upwards and stamp out the harmful rhetoric surrounding scholarships so our Māori peers can continue to flourish.

In 2020, only 11.92 per cent of Massey students were Māori and according to a national average, half of the Māori cohort will be the first university students in their whānau. For many Māori, a scholarship is the only pathway to university education, and yet haters continue to nit-pick their

As an alternative, feel free to apply for:

“He waka eke noa.” A waka we are all in together.

FEATURES

From

B Y O

Words By Caroline Moratti

BYOs are a delight of the senses. A marvel to behold! Fuck, they’re practically a rite of passage for any young’un. Where else can you polish back a bottle of wine, some hot kai, and have a mean yarn with mates? Okay, well, sure, at a flat - but a BYO elevates the pressure of cooking and cleaning, leaving you with all the pleasures of a tangy little garlic naan. But with such power comes great responsibility. You have the traditions of your elders to respect, who forged the way forward, one glass of Cleanskin at a time. So how do you take your BYO to the next level? From BYO to BY-Oh! (“don’t stop, don’t stop”)? Well, consider trying these tricks of the trade. You can trust me; I’ve done enough BYOs in my time to graduate from a mild butter chicken to a medium. That’s how you know I’m legit.

B Y Oh! The Ol’ Switcheroo Ah, what a timeless classic. By swapping an empty bottle at your table for a full one in your bag, the Ol’ Switcheroo means you can drink longer, laugh louder. Maybe you don’t want to pay extra corkage! Maybe you’re stuck in Dunedin where you can only share one bottle between two people (this is 100% a thing and the absolute bane of my existence. Trust me, I would have paid for the extra corkage, but they just...won’t let you have more than three mere standards. Desperate times call for desperate measures.) Whatever the reason, this step requires a bit of sleight of hand and then you’re golden. Make sure to buy the same bottle of wine to make the swap. Waiters aren’t dumb, two different brands of white wine just ain’t gonna cut it. Also, preferably go with an opaque bottle, so then the liquid levels aren’t too obvious. Finally, you need a big bag to execute FEATURES

the swap and store the evidence. A backpack will do, or a handbag in a pinch. This tip is much better applied to big chains, where you can feel less bad about sneaking in a bottle. Maybe just leave a nice tip at the end, if you’re like me and you feel guilty about literally anything.

Coining/Save the Queen Coining is a must-do at any BYO. Essentially, you should bring a small pile of coins with you, hidden away in the caverns of your tight jean pockets. Just 10 cent coins, mind you, we’re not made of money. The aim of the game is to drop a coin into your mate’s glass. If you manage this great feat, they have to scull the whole glass of wine. Why, you might ask? Well, the fucking Queen of England is on the coin! Dropped into wine, she’s suddenly drowning! You, as loyal patriot, must save Her Majesty through consuming the beverage and thus, releasing her from her watery prison. Once you’ve finished your glass, you can pick up the coin and, well, coin someone else in return. The trick to this game is to be sneaky and smooth. You don’t want to be too obvious about the whole thing, since you might get kicked out. Plus, you don’t want your mate to be on the defence with their glass. If you’re worried about being coined, just make sure to have quick reflexes or look after your glass.

Chants Chants are an integral part of BYOS, the perfect mix of camaraderie and cheek. If you’ve coined your mate, and they’re being a bit fucking slow about the whole thing, it’s time to pull out the ultimate encouragement: a public singalong. It’s just like old sea-shanties, but better (are those still cool or was that just a weird two weeks?). We’ve listed our fave chants down below. Where we’ve put the name of our floppy-haired designer, Micah, use your mate’s names to help get the drinking a-going. “We like to drink with Micah, because Micah is our mate! And when we drink with Micah, he gets it down in 8...7...6...5..4...3...2...1!” “Here’s to Brother Micah, Brother Micah, Brother Micah. Here’s to Brother Micah who’s with us tonight. We love him, we hate him, we love to masturbate him! Here’s to

Brother Micah who’s with us tonight.... Drink motherfucker, drink motherfucker, drink motherfucker! (If they’re still taking fucking forever) Why are we waiting, you must be masturbating!” “Here’s to fucking Micah, fucking Micah, fucking Micah! Here’s to fucking Micah, the best of us all! He eats it, he beats it, MY GOD HE MISTREATS IT! Here’s to fucking Micah who drinks like a bitch!”

Fuck, Marry, Kill Need I say any more? A perfect little game to play over a steaming plate of curry.

Unsolicited Speeches Speeches are the ultimate form of public tomfoolery. They’re socially acceptable, but only just, which makes the perfect melting point for a bit of mischief! What a hoot! Give your wine glass a clink, stand up, cough twice (for good measure) and begin. Start with a made-up dictionary definition of companionship, or launch right into “when I met [insert name here] they seemed like a right twat”. It could be honouring any fake occasion, such as a mate’s birthday, a wedding anniversary, a club triumph, whatever suits the mood! Go into some phoney history of your various friendships at the table, get more and more ridiculous as you go on. Sure, you might get some sceptical looks from other restaurant-goers but trust me, everyone will be too socially awkward to actually ask you to sit down.

The Penis Game! You guys all know this. An absolute banger of a game. Just say penis louder and louder, until someone cops out. Never fails to be entertaining.

Snapchat Massive Magazine What? We don’t make the rules. Obviously, as in anything in life, don’t be a dick. If you’re genuinely making guests or restaurant owners uncomfortable, then probably settle down and save it for the after party. But BYOs do have an infamous student legacy, and I’m sick of pretending otherwise. Go, be merry! Give your hot friends our love, from everyone at Massive.

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SH IT IN ST UDENT F LATS THAT J UST

MAK E

WORDS BY ELENA MCINTYRE-REET

SENSE

Everyone knows that student flats are just that delightful mix of shitty and chaotic. Let’s face it, there’s often a reason these houses are rented to students rather than fancy, functioning adults. A lot of these flats end up having those little quirks that, well, just make sense. Without further ado, here’s our round up of some of the juiciest oddities and delights. This window in an upstairs bedroom that just looks out into the lounge. This bedroom is inside an apartment building. You legally have to have a source of outside light in order to call something a bedroom, so this room has a skylight but also a window that looks out into the lounge. Perfect for creeping on your flatties. This toilet, which is basically an outhouse. This stunning piece of architecture is part of a flat that was split into two dwellings. The back flat needed a toilet, so naturally one was added, using fencing material and plywood for ultimate comfort and privacy. At least your booze poos won’t stink up the whole flat! This hole being filled by a brick. The landlord for this property came round with a plumber to fix a blocked drain. The plumber had to drill a hole in their path to get to the pipes. Instead of getting someone to fill the giant hole with you know, cement, he simply put a brick in it. The risk of a broken ankle makes entering and exiting this property an extreme sport. CULTURE

This flat’s dungeon, including a mysterious rope hanging from the ceiling. For some reason this is what greets you when you go behind the laundry at this flat. I don’t even want to think about why the rope is there. Definitely creepy, definitely haunted. Some sleezy landlord would definitely try and advertise this as an extra bedroom. This frosted window that looks into the under part of the house. To get to this flat you have to walk past this creepy fogged up window. It’s literally just a window into where all the insulation is, why? The landlord is definitely living there making sure you don’t break the ‘no pets’ rule. This random deer painting that’s a part of the chattels. Normally when you sign a tenancy agreement you have to promise not to damage stuff that comes with the house, like the washing machine. For some reason these flatmates had to sign their lives away and promise not to move or damage this beautiful piece of art. Apparently it moves when you’re not looking?? This strange dolphin-themed window acting as a walk in wardrobe. This was clearly meant to be a bathroom, but I guess they ran out of money in their renovation budget, so kept the glass decor but made it into a walk-in wardrobe. P.S. Fuck SeaWorld.

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How to Cure the 2a 2am Bored m Boredom

Words by Cameron Taylor

If you haven’t heard already, I’m deeply sorry you have to hear the news this way: Palmerston North’s clubs and bars will be closing an hour early at 2am. The heartbreak swiftly swept the student nation of Palmy, young people everywhere absolutely shattered at the thought of not being able to hear ‘Timber’ on repeat for an extra 60 minutes. Never fear! Massive is here to provide you with an abundance of options on how to entertain yourself for that extra hour, in hopes that it will ease the pain of a 2am close off your shoulders.

2) TREAT YOURSELF TO 1) REFINE YOUR COOKING SOME CHEEKY ONLINE SKILLS RETAIL THERAPY Use the free hour to really up your gourmet cooking expertise. It’s most likely that drunk you is going to be famished, and also more likely to be experimental (in the kitchen instead of the bedroom this time). Massive has a range of incredibly titillating recipes online and in our physical copies, just ready for your sexy self to master. Some of my personal favourites include Issue 10’s ‘Spicy Pork Noods’, Issue 1’s ‘Kombucha/Beer Crepes’ (works well if you were a sack and didn’t finish your box), and Issue 6’s ‘Weed Brownies’ for a tastier version of aftertown cones. By the end of the year, you might as well slap on a big poofy hat, and call yourself a fucking chef.

When you’re wasted, sometimes you convince yourself that your money is unlimited, right? I encourage you to ACT ON THAT SHIT. You and your mate drunkenly decided to start a cookie factory? Well, you best start exploring the net for the flashiest, funkiest cookie cutters you can find. Been inspired by Dua Lipa’s award looks lately and wish you could be her? BITCH, find the nearest replica and order that shit right now to wear to your next lecture. THERE IS SO MUCH POINTLESS, FUN SHIT TO BUY IN THIS WORLD. Blame it on your drunken ways and just go with it. Nothing beats a weekly package you forgot that you even ordered, it’s like a little surprise to yourself. FEATURES

3) GO ON OMEGLE AND MAKE NEW FRIENDS Ahhh Omegle, an intriguing area of the internet where after you see your 11th unsolicited dick, you tend to call it a day. However, some of the most interesting, heartfelt conversations are the ones I’ve had drunk. The ones where you pour your heart and soul, and speak with the passion you could never muster up for speech assessments in high school English. Flirt, overshare, laugh, and share some wholesome chats with a bunch of strangers cos why the fuck not? Your soulmate could be on the other side of that screen! Just make sure it’s not the one flashing his penis.

4) KEEP DRINKING???

Lol as if the Palmy City Council really thinks that closing an hour early is gonna stop us from continuing the party at home. Odds are you can’t afford drinks in town, so the buzz is most likely to have worn off by 2am. All the more reason to grab Macca’s on your way home, settle back into your messy predrinks area, and KEEP SINKING PISS. In fact, invite as MANY people as y o u can to join you. Make it loud and rowdy as fuck!!! Show the Council that they won’t be putting a stop to your shenanigans anytime soon.

5) 2AM BULLRUSH THE SQUARE

girl you always see in the Daily. Whatever your reasons may be, it’s expected to be a fuckton of fun. Instead of being one of those fuckwits who starts fights outside the clubs, just channel that energy into a cheeky game of Bullrush. Fairplay, not fists, my dude.

6) JOURNAL INNERMOST THOUGHTS

YOUR DRUNK

Dedicate the extra hour to letting out all your thoughts and emotions. Let it all out onto the page in a stream of consciousness, and then read it the next morning hungover as fuck. Yes, you may cringe so much, it physically hurts. But who knows? There could be MASSIVE potential in those drunken entries. You could turn that shit into a tell-all book and sell it if it’s entertaining enough. At the very least, it’s a cool collection to keep for the years to come. If you ever feel bad about yourself, just go back to the journal entries for an instant confidence boost. In my own humble opinion, I think the 2am closing is a bunch of bullshit. Will it prove any efficiency in decreasing late night violence? Will it encourage students to go home earlier and stop drinking? I’m gonna take a wild guess and say probably not. Nonetheless, I hope these activity suggestions get you by during these tough times. Also, if anyone is keen on hosting after-parties once town closes, pls hmu ily x

To my understanding, as soon as the 2am curfew sets in, ‘Bullrush in the Square’ is all-go to take place on a weekly basis. Maybe you need to let off some steam. Maybe you need a good outlet for all that pent-up sexual energy inside of you, cos you were too scared to flirt with that hot FEATURES

Tupuna Whaea Mere Taylor-Tuiloma is healing through art Words by Rimu Bhooi

Just 50 artworks have made the final shortlist in the collaboration between New Zealand Portrait Gallery Te Pūkenga Whakata and the Office of the Kiingitanga. Māori artists from all over the motu (country) were called upon to create portraits of their tūpuna. Massey’s very own Mere TaylorTuiloma hand crafted a sculpture named ‘Tupuna Whaea’. Massive spoke to the multi mixed-media artist ahead of the launch of the exhibition at the Portrait Gallery on the Wellington Waterfront. FEATURES

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ere Taylor-Tuiloma is a distance student based in the Far North. She was born and raised in a “beautiful Māori rural community in Hokianga called Motukiore” with “my grandparents, mother, cousins and brother”. Her artwork is spun from her very personal connection to atua (gods), kaitiaki (guardians), and tūpuna (ancestors). “When I create, I create with not just me but with all the kaitiaki that choose to love me and work with me. I create with all my ancestors, I am they and they are me, every cell in my body, every part of my DNA comes from them. They are all of me. When I create artwork whether that be from my voice… or through my hands... it’s all a part of me. It’s all channeled into me, through me and out through my voice and my hands.”

profound effect on Mere who thought, “I better go learn how to paint”. She went on to complete various art courses. She kicked things off with improving her technical painting skills, then went on to print making, and finally, “fell in love with uku (clay)”. Mere completed Maunga Kura Toi, the Bachelor of Māori Visual Arts, at NorthTec. Her mokopuna (grandchild) was just a few weeks old when she started the degree. She decided her very first piece would be an ipu whenua (vessel for afterbirth). “I received the afterbirth back, and I made this beautiful ipu whenua… that was really beautiful for me to make that for my mokopuna … that was the last I touched clay for most part of my degree.”

“When I create, I create with not just me but with all the kaitiaki that choose to love me and work with me.”

Mere’s artistic journey has certainly spanned many mediums. Her career in original Māori music began in 1989. Then she released Whatumanawa, an album of love songs, in 2004. When it comes to her recent endeavours, Mere described her kaupapa as “gift of healing through art, through my music and my artwork”. She’s a healer, and her exploration of paint began at a healing expo in Whāngarei. Delving into a story about a seemingly accidental discovery she could paint, Mere recounted that the people around her aided in this discovery. Another stall holder helped her mix the brown paint she needed to paint a feather, and when gifting that finished painting back to this woman, an awestruck passerby struck up a conversation with Mere. “Up until six years ago, I couldn’t paint, other than painting houses,” she laughs. This experience grounded her creativity in healing, which she calls “toi ora”. The interaction had a

She went on to focus entirely on her painting technique. It came around to the final semester of her degree, and to everyone’s surprise, Mere decided to venture into clay sculpture. “I was told by several of the ceramic clay artists from up home, in Tai Tokerau, that I should concentrate just on the basic forms, and [not to] aim too high. That I shouldn’t set myself up to be disappointed because it’s not gonna work. I wanted a hip-height sculpture, but because I was just a newbie, they were trying to help me ease into it gently.” But, she says, there was something that was really moving her to follow through with what she had in mind. She ended up creating a total of four sculptures, for her end of degree exhibition, for which she notes her “kaupapa was mana wāhine”. Focusing entirely on the four “significant powerful” phases of her life (being a kaikaranga, kaihautū becoming a mum, and then a grandmother), she created four sculptures, and two painted portraits; just in case the sculptures didn’t make it through the firing. All up, it took Mere five FEATURES

months to complete the sculptures. “I made them one after the other and then I fired them all at the same time.” She went on to describe the fickleness of working with clay, that if the clay isn’t of an even thickness, it’ll crack and if there are any air bubbles in the clay it will blow up. She wasn’t sure they would survive, but they did and she was ecstatic. Afterwards, she was advised to fire them again, this time in a pit firing. An all-natural process, Mere even collected some seaweed for it. They survived that too. She cleaned them up, and waxed them because “they looked paru (dirty)”. Her first ever sculptures had made it! In December, the Kiingi Tuheitia Portraiture Award caught her eye, and she decided on deviating from the usual painted portrait. “I’m going to do a sculpture,” she said to herself, and recalls she felt really drawn to do so. When the post-grad semester started, she was “still working on Tupuna Whaea’’ and so she incorporated that mahi into her studies.

Mere recently hand-delivered the sculpture to Wellington, weighing in at over 25kgs. You can check out “Tupuna Whaea” at the Portrait Gallery. The exhibition will be open to the public from 28 May and goes through till August. After that, the exhibition is going on tour around the motu. Mere is doing her post-grad qualification at the moment, working on four kaupapa. The multitudes of multifaceted sculptures surround themes of healing grief, generational trauma, soul retrieval, and betrayal. When asked about what’s next for this incredible wahine, Mere took a breath. “I’d love to be a full-time practicing artist.” She reiterates that her whole kaupapa is healing through art. “The people who either purchase, or are inspired, or moved by my artwork, the healing happens for them also.” She’s open to commissions, and has got a website in the works.

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Blanket Forts Words by Liam McGuire

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Whether you need a comfy place to study, not study, watch Netflix, or hotbox the flat without the neighbours peeking, the blanket fort is perfect for any occasion. All you need is a couch or two, those textbooks you never use, and some hopefullywashed top-sheets because let’s face it, they’re not going on your bed. When making blanket forts it’s important to know what you have to work with. Is it chairs from your flat table? A somewhat mouldy couch? Are your sheets single, double, queen? Do you actually have enough books in your flat? The first thing you’ll need for your blanket fort is floor space. Whether that’s the lounge, your room, or your friends’ room in another flat so you don’t have to deal with the clean-up, having the room to make your fort is essential. From there, the construction is up to you, let’s have a look at some examples.

The Fortress You’ll need an old couch, a sheet, and a helluva lot of couch cushions. This one is a good opportunity to find all those lost lighters, coins and dregs of weed. A fort that gives back. This one is pretty simple, take all your cushions off and stack them on the arms of the couch, and on the front to give it some structural integrity. From there, drape a blanket or sheet over the top and wham, mini fort just for you. If you can squeeze your way in then enjoy spending your time picking through the long-lost knick-knacks that have slipped down the side of the pillows, along with all the lint and hair you’ll be swimming in.

Perfect to build in a breakdown and let your flatmates know that you do not want to be disturbed. Take three chairs or stools, face them tallest point inward and drape a sheet over the chairs and your TV. Fill that depression den with blankets, snacks, and a bong... and voilà!

The Castle If you’ve got the time, space and energy to pull out all the stops, this bad boy is big enough for the whole flat. Turn around all the couches around in your living room, backs facing in, get a couple sheets, books and go to town. Drape the sheets over top, weigh them down with books and get to nesting, fill it up with blankets, pillows and maybe some fairy lights if you’re so inclined. Perfect for a romantic living-room fuckfest, flat-Netflix binge or hidden-away hotbox, the Castle is the holy grail of all blanket forts. Spacious, comfy, back support, it’s got everything you could possibly need for a depression den or a one-night stand on steroids. Whether you’re at the end of your tether or want a cozy space to hang out, everybody loves a blanket fort, apart from your flatmates, who just want their fucking lounge back. Whichever you choose, make it your own and live in that bitch for weeks on end, trust me, it’s for your mental health. Doctors’ orders.

The Tent Low energy, low fuss, somewhat low useability but hey, it’s easy. For this one you’ll need a TV, a sheet, a pole and a couple books. Drape the sheet over the tv, weigh it down with some books, and grab a pole and pitch it up. The perfect little depression den for one. Look, it’s not the most roomy or stable but if you’ve got low spoons and a craving for a nest this is the go-to.

The Throne Got some chairs sitting round your flat? Boy, is the Throne perfect for you. The upgraded model of the Tent, this one has a little more sitting space. It’s a little more stable so your mental state doesn’t have to be.

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RTDs: Froth It or It? A Review WORDS BY ELENA MCINTYRE-REET

Despite what some people might tell you, getting fucked up is an art-form. RTDs are a delightful, fruity concoction that goes down quick, and comes up even quicker. Good for drinking games, high-schoolers and decorating your room, RTDs are your go-to for a good night. But how does one decide what sicklysweet future hangover to choose? Massive got some seasoned RTD drinkers together and put some of the classics to the test, as well as some of the new kids on the block.

Wild Raspberry Cruiser

It wouldn’t be an RTD review without involving a Cruiser somehow. Wild Raspberry Cruiser has strong Cool Charm body spray energy. You know there’s better products out there, but there’s something endearingly young and hot about this little gem. Drinking this is like snorting a line of straight raspberry jelly crystals, it’s fucking SWEET. Like your-mumleft-you-in charge of-the-Raro sweet. It’s very drinkable but brought up a bit of trauma for our exhalls of residence reviewers. Best way to describe this guy is as a ‘naughty starburst lolly’. Definitely a goer if you’re looking for something to fill your beer pong cups with because you have to knock it back fast to avoid the vodka aftertaste. 2.5/5 The imminent sugar induced hangover just isn’t worth it.

Smirnoff Ice Double Black with Guarana

This is literally just a vodka Red Bull. So, if you enjoy one of those on a drunken night then this is for you. Tastes exactly like any time a straight boy has offered to buy you a drink in a club. Awkward but fuck it, the things we do for alcohol. It’s definitely tasty and doesn’t have the same aggressive sweetness as the Cruiser. Same deal though, very sugary with the little energy drink bonus. Would be great for pres if you need some convincing to go out for the tenth Wednesday in a row when you have a 9am the next day. 3/5 It really is just a vodka Red Bull, though.

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Clean Collective Wild Berry, Sparkling Water and Vodka

Drinks like these are part of the new trend to make binge drinking *healthy*. I can’t speak for the other flavours, but this literally tasted like watered down, home-brand boysenberry ripple. It’s reminiscent of after school care cordial and I fucking hated it. It honestly made me miss the raspberry Cruiser. Sure, it’s all natural and has no sugar but I think I’d rather spike my blood sugar levels. Seriously don’t buy this, plus it’s only 5%? What the fuck? 1/5 I guess it’s technically alcohol so I can’t give it a zero. But God, I wish I could.

Lime Park Lanes

Finally, a gin contender. If you usually travel down the dark vodka road then these take a bit of getting used to. Park Lanes are a little bit sexy and make you feel classy as hell. The smell of them is horrifying (I blame the lime) but they’re refreshing and at $13 for a pack of six, you’re definitely getting bang for your buck. Despite the taste benefits, these strongly remind me of a high school bully and I can’t explain why. You know, the wankers who wear blazers. You definitely can’t knock them back at fast as their vodka counterparts. 3.5/5 Fancy but the bad kind of fancy. It’s not you, it’s me.

Odd Company: The Random One

Maybe the previous drinks are starting to catch up with me but fuck these are delicious. No this isn’t an ad, (although hi Odd Company, sponsor me?). The Random One is Vodka, Raspberry, Pomegranate and pure sex. They aren’t sickly sweet so they go down easy but they also don’t taste like actual asshole. Also, the packaging of Odd Company drinks is top tier and this reviewer ABSOLUTELY has a crush on ‘the Random One’ character, she’s fucking hot and looks like she’d study photography. The only downside of these little cans of heaven juice is that they’re only 5%. Solid 4.5/5 Fucking delicious. A real whooper. A pleasure to have in class.

Jim Bean White and Zero Sugar Cola

I promise I didn’t spend actual money on these. Someone left them at my flat and I thought I’d try them, so you don’t have to. These bad boys make me feel like a divorced dad. They’re no sugar though, so good for a divorced dad who’s conscious of his health. In all seriousness, these aren’t terrible but they’re definitely not nice. Like I wouldn’t want to drink it in a game of king’s cup or rage cage, but I’d probably still do it to look hard. Not my cup of tea, but they could be someone’s? 2.5/5 Middle of the road! Much like where I’ll be wondering after I’ve had a few of these bad boys.

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How to party even when you’re stuck in fucking Albany: A guide Words by Ari Prakash

The worst thing about Massey’s Albany campus is that it’s so fucking far from the rest of Auckland City. Trying to party is the ultimate test of stamina – from drinking at home to topping up on shots and drinks at Ferg’s or in the city. Some people drop off before they even get on the bus to the city, others might just drop off at Ferg’s. If you’re lucky enough to have someone agree to be a sober driver – you’re golden. Otherwise, you’d be at the mercy of the bus system, trying to stay upright and finally... Uber. From preloading, to transport from campus and back, this is a guide on how to get properly pissed in Albany.

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BUYING ALCOHOL The Albany liquor store just opposite the mall is a choice place to stock up on Cruisers, Long Whites, or whatever your heart desires. There are a few other places around the Albany Village area, it just depends on whatever is closest to you at the time. It’s cheaper than buying drinks and, when you’re on a student budget, every cent counts. Just make sure not to drink so much that you vom on the way to the city or in Ferg’s. THE FIRST DRINKS

ROUND

The first few rounds usually happens in the halls or the apartments. There are rules about how many people can be in a hall of residence or in the uni apartments. For both places quiet hours start after 11pm, but it’s less policed in the apartments. In the apartments, though, the noise has to be kind of minimal. Top tip: become friends with the people around you so they’re less likely to nark. Or, just invite them to the party! There’s technically a limit on how many people can be in a hall or apartment at one time (for halls, it’s six people in a hall room, 12 in the hall social hub and 20 maximum in the apartments). But don’t let that stop you, just make sure you have room in your closet for quick hiding in case people come knocking. Or, party in the social hub and quickly run off to different rooms if something goes awry. Rules are made to be broken, after all. SECOND ROUND (AUCKLAND BARS/FERG’S) Albany has a few things that make it special, notably the infamous, sexy chicken statue. But, it also

has its own student bar: The Ferguson. It’s usually the first stop for freshers, especially when going to the City Centre is too much of a hassle. Things have been a little quiet since lockdown, but you only need a few tequila shots to get the party going, am I right? If you’re not feeling the vibe, the smoking shelters are the perfect place for hot goss and a ciggie. Or, just wander out to the back field and have a piss up. There’s got to be some perks for living in the middle of nowhere. If you do decide to go to the city, the world is your oyster (kinda smells like it too in the early morning). Bar 101 is usually the first port of call because the bus stops at the CBD. Some of my Auckland Uni friends turn their noses because it’s a “fresher” bar but fuck it, you can get drinks for $3. There’s Impala, which should be a little over five minutes if you’ve got the coordination to do it. Roxy, Saturday’s and the clubs on K-Road if you want things to get a little spicy. But please remember that Family Bar is NOT a “family” bar. That mistake has been made before. GETTING BACK If you’re taking the bus, you’ve got to make some logistical manouevres. Once you get to the Albany Station stop, it’s easy to get to the city. BUT the buses from Albany Station to campus stop running after 11pm, which is fucking bullshit if you ask me. If you’re really skint, you can stay in the city till 4am to have a Macca’s breakfast and catch the bus back to campus. This is also where a Tinder hookup is a good idea. If you’ve got the dosh, you can take an Uber/Ola back,

but that’s gonna COST you, you rich bitches. $80 to get back to campus? I think I’d rather drop out of uni, thanks. Splitting an Uber back is technically better but, let’s face it, your friends always “forget” to pay you back. Arguably the biggest pain in the ass is getting from the Albany Station back to campus. It’s a decent 20 minute walk, at least. A friend mentioned that if someone had a shuttle business between the station and campus late at night they’d “make a killing”. Hell, even if there was a shuttle service in the city between bars and clubs, they would be rich beyond imagination. Ashleigh, a third-year Massey Albany student said that “it’s so hard to get here to the [Albany] Station. Once you’re at Albany Station you can go anywhere. But it’s really hard to get anywhere from the Uni.” Massey, help a gal out, please? Ultimately, from my brief and tragic stint with physics, I remember that electricity takes the path of least resistance or something. Well, the same applies to uni students. If there’s an easier way of doing things, we will somehow find it and take that path. Whether it’s travelling all the way to get $3 drinks or staying out till the morning to save on transport. Also, remember to keep close track of who you’re with. You know that saying - keep your friends close and your drunk friends even closer. Auckland is a big place, and if you have a friend that is a drunk runner - you might want to invest in one of those toddler leashes.

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TUNE IN AND SUPPORT YOUR LOCAL UNI TEAM

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L I T V E G A N P U T TA N E S C A SERVES 4

I fucking love pasta. Most of the time when I cook, I know in my heart of hearts that if I was ordering this at a restaurant it would be five hundred times better. But not when I’m cooking pasta. When I’m cooking pasta, my heart sings. I don’t mean to flex (I do), but my puttanesca is restaurant quality. Not restaurants that make their own pasta, mind you - nobody can compete with that shit. But if it’s a battle of the store bought fettucine, I back myself. I’ll let you into a little secret: it’s not that hard. You can do it too. Just follow these simple steps. Your flatmates will love you for it.

INGREDIENTS • Olive oil • • • •

50-100g capers 400g tomato passata 4 cloves garlic Handful of parsley

• • •

3/4 of a pack of fettucine Lemon Pinch of chilli flakes

OPTIONAL • Parmesan cheese • Olives • Splash of red wine

METHOD 1. Salt the shit out of a pot of water and set it to the boil. I’m talking Red Sea levels of salt. 2. Drizzle a generous lug of olive oil into a seperate pan. 3. Mince or chop your garlic and throw it in to the pan along with half of the parsley and a

pinch of salt. 4. Cook for two minutes, stirring occassionally. 5. Throw in your passata, capers, chilli flakes, olives and red wine (if using) into the pan and stir. Let simmer for about 20 minutes, stirring occassionally.

6. Chuck the fettucine into the pot of boiling water it’s boiling. 7. Drain the pasta (keep about half a cup to add gradually to the sauce), and mix it in with the saucey mixture. Garnish with the remaining parsley. Bon Appétit. COLUMNS

X C

Okay so, the other Thursday started out like any other. A bit of a sess with the girls, a romp with the fuckbuddy afterwards. He was cute, this was like my 5th time seeing him, I think?? Was feeling in a nice mood, so decided to give him a blowie. Got down on the floor, he was sitting on the bed, and started the whole popsicle routine. A few minutes in, and he was literally taking forever to cum. Like hurry up!! My tongue is getting tired!! Opened my eyes during the blowie, which I normally NEVER do, but just was so bored at that point. The guy was staring at me, wide-eyed, not blinking, and just gently rubbing his nipples. His nips were rock-HARD. Could almost take an eye out with those bad boys. It was so unnerving that

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I quickly excused myself to the bathroom. Took a shit and found some magazine cut outs of Gin Wigmore in the bathroom drawer, like just all crumpled in there, with what looked like cum on top. Just several Gin Wigmore clippings??? What the fuck?? Got the fuck out of there, until I remembered I left my nipple piercing there (I took it out to clean it, okay) so texted him but now the guy is saying he doesn’t have it? When I KNOW he does? Pls help. Got a confession, a naughty tale, a sexy story? Email sexcapades@massivemagazine.org.nz to submit yours xoxox

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By Liam McGuire You know the drill, wake up, make a shitty instant coffee, sink a cone and debate whether or not it’s worth coming into uni when suddenly… FUCK the landlord just texted reminding you of your flat inspection today, and it’s a wreck. Dirty bongs, stained carpets, a bathroom that hasn’t been cleaned since you moved in. It’s a big job and you’re cooked to cloud nine, but it’s gotta be done. FIRST: THE SMELL Oh God, the smell. Open all the windows, then run around like a headless chicken holding that bottle of bathroom perfume. Fumigate every room, seep it into the pores of the walls. Better the landlord thinks the place smells like “citrus bloom” than getting a whiff of the underlying smell of weed permeating every surface. Take out the trash and get rid of all that mouldy food in the fridge, because it’s really not helping the smell situation. NEXT: THE FLOORS It’s common knowledge that during inspections, property managers and landlords can’t go through cupboards and drawers to check their condition. So, go through every room, pile up all the shit on the floor and stuff it into the nearest available storage space. The wardrobe, the bathroom cabinet, hell the goddamn pantry, they won’t look in there. The important thing is it’s not just sitting there for everyone to see. Bongs too, empty the water (outside, not in the kitchen sink you twat, you’ll never get rid of the smell in time), then hide them away as well as you can. THEN: SURFACES The pile of dishes in the kitchen, the lighters and scales on the coffee table, that baggie of gear just sitting on your nightstand. If it’s visible, it’s a problem. Now I’m not saying you actually have to clean them, just clear it

all, scoop everything that shouldn’t be there into your laundry basket then hide it with some loose clothing. I’m sure they won’t go digging in there. And besides, what better way to mask the smell of week-old unwashed dishes than dirty socks and undies AFTER THAT: STRATEGIC PLACEMENT Got a stain on the carpet? What a perfect place to scooch the couch or the coffee table. Mark on the bathroom wall? Sit the toilet brush in front of it. Anything that can be hidden, hide it. Out of sight, out of mind, out of the property manager’s watchful eye. FINALLY: ACTUAL CLEANING I know, I know, you can’t be fucked, but sorry mate it’s gotta be done. Anything that can’t be covered up, stashed away, or hidden does need to be actually cleaned. That soap scum in the shower? You’re gonna have to scrub it. The kitchen counter? Definitely needs a wipe. Skid-marks need a brush and floors need a vacuum if yours is working. Sorry kiddo but this isn’t something with a cheat code. WHEN THEY ARRIVE: Act sober. Or just leave the flat for the inspection but if your anxiety is as rampant as mine, knowing they could poke around your place when you’re not here is a little too alarming to let slide. Surely, they won’t mind you wearing sunnies inside, right? And for God’s sake brush your damn teeth, you smell like month-old bong water.

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SNIP, SNOP, SNAP SEND US YOUR SNAPS TO GET FEATURED IN NEXT WEEK’S EDITION @MASSIVE_MAG

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Exec’s Columns

Kia ora everyone. We’re spicing things up with a joint column this week, because we’ve got something to say as a team! Hopefully you will have heard over the last week that our four general associations are in the process of investigating a merge. We thought we’d use this space to give you a quick rundown of why this is going on. Essentially, it goes like this: •

Although our uni is split into 4 cohorts (Distance, Palmy, Welly and Aucky), it operates as one system. If we as associations reflect this, student voice will be strengthened four-fold.

•

Our four general associations are currently funded inequitably, and this would allow us to take the reigns of divvying it up fairly (especially for our distance & blended learning students).

•

No one would lose anything, because services would be streamlined, saving us on dosh and allowing all of us to do bigger, better things.

•

We get to create an association that truly honours Te Tiriti A fresh opportunity to honour tangata whenua from the get-go.

You might have questions or opinions about this. We do to, because like we say, we’re only just at the start. Be reassured: we think this an amazing opportunity, and as elected representatives, we have mandate to make calls & look into things that we think will benefit students. But we won’t make official decisions without asking you first. We want everyone’s voices at the table. That’s why each of us are hosting & arranging general meetings at the moment - to be completely transperant, and to give you that initial input. So we’ll be working away at this project with our partner associations over the holidays, but we’ll come back next semester with questions for you. In the meantime, please email your cohort’s general Presidents, or merge@mawsa.org.nz if you have input you’d like to share. Thanks for hearing us out, and rest well over the break. Mā te wā

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puzzles

Credit: Critic and Ciara White

CROSSWORD

QUICK QUIZ

Down 1. American drag queen (2, 4) 2. Lil ___ X (3) 3. A term of endearment, used for someone who is adorable or endearing in some way (5, 3) 4. Online payment service (6) 5. A real world treasure hunting game popular among dorks, knobs and dweebs (10) 7. Shit tickets (6, 5) 8. A small purse made from leftover elbow skin. Its purpose is to hold testicles (7) 10. What I wish my girlfriend would call me while we’re having sex (5)

13. Abs (3, 4) 14. New milennial speak for ‘out of date or trying to hard’ (6) 15. Contraction of “it was not” (6) 17.A fat, grey, ugly unicorn (5) 19. An acquaintance from one’s town or neighbourhood, or a member of one’s peer group (5) 20. Swedish home furnishing retailer (4) 21. Video game console manufactured by Microsoft (4)

What is the chemical formula for Table Salt? What is David Bowie’s real name? A woman has walked on the Moon: True or False Printable Sudoku - Sudoku 17/05/2021 for kids 05/16/2021 Which language has the most words (according to -dictionary entries)? What is the all-time most-streamed song on Spotify to date?

Sudoku - Hard

05/16/2021

6 4

1 2 6

4 2

9 1

4 2 6

27 7

3 5

8 2

Easy

3 2 1 9

8 1

5 7 3

1 8

1 57

6 6 7 5

WORD WHEEL The target is as many words 2 1to create 8 5 9 of 4 letters or more, using the letters once only and always including the letter in the middle of the wheel.

8 9

5 6

9 9

Hard 6

QUIZ ANSWERS:

Printable Sudoku - Hard - 05/16/2021

Sudoku - Easiest SUDOKU

rough and irritating and it gets everywhere (4) 16. Sex on the net (4) 18. A time of day when drinks are cheaper than normal (5, 4) 22. Objectively the best flavour of shapes (7, 6) 23. Explorer (4) 24. Thin tube in your lower right abdomen (8)

1. NaCl 2. David Jones 3. False 4. English 5. Shape of You (by Ed Sheeran)

1. 2. 3. 17/05/2021 4. 5.

ACROSS 1. Binoculars for rhinos (11) 4.Derogatory term for a cop (3) 6. Slang for alcohol (4) 9. The size of your penis (11) 11. YouTube star and boxer (5, 4) 12. Tree species in Lord of the Rings (4) 13. A substance that is coarse,

O3 5

2 1

4-letter words: 15 5-letter words: 6

E U

6-letter words: 3 9-letter words: 1

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horoscopes Aquarius:

Aries:

Stop being a fucking dick. Turn over a new leaf by bringing your friends a lovely mug of coffee. Mmm.

Stop focusing so much on your past. Think about your future! Or, more specifically, your exam results!! Please, study.

Cancer:

Capricorn:

Go on, do a cheeky nang. Losing some brain cells will help you get through the week. Carry

The weather is cold, stay indoors and cuddle up. Get a good TV show going, grab the pop-

some balloons in your pockets at all times, just in case.

corn, you know the drill. Lectures can wait.... indefinitely.

Gemini:

Leo:

The stars tell me that DRAMA is coming your way. Secrets will be spilled, friendships broken. Time to bring the fucking receipts out of storage. Screenshot, screenshot, screenshot!

You have unexplored feelings for a close friend. Maybe it’s time for a vibe check, a little salsa dance or two. Oh, it’s so exciting!

Libra:

Pisces:

Stop, collaborate and listen! No seriously, fucking listen. The trees will show you the way.

Masturbation is on your mind this week, and the answer is YES. Yes you can jack off in the library bathrooms! Just keep it chill, quiet, don’t make others uncomfortable. But what happens in a locked stall is between yourself and God.

Sagittarius:

Scorpio:

Whoever said money can’t buy happiness is wrong. Keep buying those disposable vapes, a little headrush is all the happiness you need.

Stress Eczema is the hot, new accessory and you’re rocking it, babe!

Taurus:

Virgo:

Arrange a date this week. It’s time to put yourself out there, for better or for worse. Probably for worse, let’s face it.

You will only have a good week if you manage to consume exactly 13 packets of chips. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.

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