Massive Magazine Issue 14 2021 by Massive Magazine

MASSIVE

ISSUE 14

JULY 19/2021

Table of Contents 06 10 14 20 23 24 26 28 31 32 33 34 36 38 39

News Hungry for Hāngī Massive’s Best Baked Bean Centrefold Dirty Dishes Kitchen Advice Free Food Tik Tok Recipes Culinarylingus Sexcapades We’re Going on a Man Hunt Puzzles Horoscopes Snaps Exec Columns

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EDITOR Caroline Moratti

DESIGNER Micah Davis-Rae

SUB EDITOR Jamie Mactaggart

PHOTOGRAPHERS Callum Parsons, Lia McGuire

NEWS EDITOR James Pocock

ILLUSTRATOR Tallulah Farrar

STAFF WRITERS Cameron Taylor, Elena McIntyreReet, Rimu Bhooi, Lia McGuire, Ari Prakash, Mason Tangatatai, Courtney Hammond

editor@massivemagazine.org.nz Facebook/massive.magazine Instagram/massivemagazine www.massivemagazine.org.nz

CONTRIBUTORS Elizabeth Chan

CONTACT/SOCIAL

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Got a letter to the Editor? Email editor@massivemagazine.org.nz to rant, flirt, complain, whatever x Massive is registered under the New Zealand Press Council which allows our readerS to reach out to an independent forum for resolving any complaints you may have. Massive is also a member of the Aotearoa Student Press Association. The views, beliefs and opinions reflected in the pages of Massive do not necessarily represent

those of Massey University, its staff, ASA, MUSA, MAWSA, M@D or the Massive Editor. MAWSA is an independent organisation that publishes Massive. Send any queries or complaints directly to Massive at editor@ m a s s i v e m a g a z i n e. o r g. n z. Massive is subject to the New Zealand Press Council. If a complainant is not satisfied with the response, the complaint may be referred to the Press Council: info@presscouncil.org.nz or online via presscouncil.org.nz.

Editorial

BEWARE THE DANGERS OF SHARED FLAT COOKING

The name of the game this week is FOOD. Yum! Personally, cooking is one of the true wonders of my life. A bit of fried fish with lemon, what could compare? Cold pizza on the morning of an eye-gorging hangover, my true one love. But it’s not always a walk in the park. In my second year, we were young and optimistic (ah, the days before I developed under eye-bags, bless), and my flat decided to do shared flat cooking. In theory, it makes sense, right? You only have to cook once and then you’re fed like a happy, warm seal pup for the rest of the week. However, this dreamscape quickly descended into chaos. Firstly, the cooking had to be both glutenfree and vegan, which complicated meal plans. Not only that, but people’s expectations around quality, quantity and price turned out to be horrendously different. One person would spend $5 on a bag of rice and some beans, whilst others would spend $20-30 per meal to whip up a gorgeous noodle broth or homemade pasta. Either way is fine, as long as everyone is in total agreement about average expenditure and effort. Anything else always descends into passive aggressive group chat messages. Don’t even get me started on portion sizes. What do you say when you only get one little tofu wrap for a meal? I know it’s hard to make big quantities of food, but my God. And then there’s the timing aspect of it all. What if you’re on cooking duty but have a hot date scheduled? Or what if you’re out at uni for the meal, and people don’t bother to save you any leftovers? Yeah. It sucks. Then here’s the real kicker: sometimes, people are just really shit cooks. Sorry, not sorry! Maybe I don’t want to eat your watery rice, Joe. Learn to fucking rinse the starch off before you cook it, and then we’ll talk. What I’m trying to say is this, flat cooking can be great but, for the love of God, please have a conversation about expectations from the get-go. Don’t get me wrong, everyone fucks up occasionally, but a solid winter of overcooked beans is enough to make you lose your mind several times over. Even if you cook solely for yourself, these flat talks are still, truly, essential. Think about freezer space: is there someone being a dick with their frozen meal prep whilst you can barely cram a loaf of bread in? Are spices and oil fair game? Should you do your dishes immediately after a meal, or is it okay to leave it until the next morning? So go forth, have some honest communication. Text your crush that you like them, whilst you’re at it. Be free my little birds. Enjoy rich, delicious, creamy food. If you struggle with cooking, or other people’s cooking, you’re not alone. Remember the golden rule: don’t be a dick, and you’ll be fine. Food is important, but so are friendships. Cherish both forever. X Caroline

LETTERS TO THE EDITOR EMAIL EDITOR@MASSIVEMAGAZINE.ORG.NZ TO HAVE YOUR SAY

Apology: Last week, we featured a collage of old magazines on the back of our issue. Unfortunately, one of the magazines featured happened to be the 2017 magazine which features an offensive image. We apologise sincerely for the inclusion of this cover, as well as the lack of trigger warning surrounding this image. It was not our intention to show this image at all, and was an oversight by our editorial team.

Dear Massive, I missed you guys!! Although I am very sad that uni is starting again, I honestly was over the moon to see a fresh, hot copy of your latest issue waiting for me in the library stands. Love your work xxx

Can we bring back the columns of Runny Babbit please? Asking for a friend.

Yo what’s up with printing the same sudoku three times? Just trying to procrastinate in the library :( Editor’s response: In all honesty, we’re actually flattered that that many people attempted the Sudoku only to find out we’d fucked it up. Bless! Sorry about that puzzle gang, but rest easy, you have 3 gorgeous sudokus to complete this week. In the bedroom, however, I tend to find that easy, medium and hard are all the same thing.

MASSIVE NEWS

Distance students not quite on board with new board Getting bored of all of this board talk JAMES POCOCK

DISTANCE NEWS

Some distance students are unhappy with the process that M@D has followed to select its four new executive members with no general vote over the mid-year break. Distance student Christine says she believes the process was not fair or transparent for distance students who couldn’t choose their representatives and were mostly unaware of the selection process. “As a distance student, not only is it important that we are aware of who is representing us, but it is also important that we get a voice and a say, as it is easy to get lost amongst the internal students who get that personal face-to-face interaction with teachers and other students,” she said. Another issue raised was the lack of any announcement made on the M@D website or Facebook pages in the two weeks since the new board members were

officially inducted. M@D had told Massive that an official announcement of the new board members would be made July 1 at the same time as the launch of the distance Stream site. Christine says she hadn’t seen any notification for the new board members on the distance Stream site or anywhere else. “I also think that a social media announcement would have been effective, due to its reach and the many people who use it on a day-to-day basis,” she said. Despite this, she wishes the new members well. “At the end of the day, I wish them the best of luck - I’m sure they will be great.” Ange was a distance student last semester and remains up to date and active with social media for distance students and their association, but she also had no idea there were new executives or that some roles on the board had changed: “I remember seeing that the old ones all resigned. Seems weird we didn’t get to vote for [the new members] if they are meant to be representing us. Should we have been told about that?” M@D Co-President Jax Watt says nearly all the board members made their personal introductions and welcomes on the distance Stream site. Jax says two sections on NEWS

Stream are dedicated to information on the board, titled ‘Who are Massey@Distance’ and ‘How M@D support you’. “Judging from the levels of engagement we already have on Stream, we anticipate that our website will become redundant in the near future and [Facebook] will be only used as a secondary platform for community engagement between students,” Jax said. They say the reason there had been no announcements on Facebook is because they believe social media is not the place to provide information on the association, because it only reaches a small portion of the students. “We are providing this information on the platform that all distance students use… Stream is ideal as information can be provided near-instantly, there are avenues for both public and private chats with board members, we can make announcements that go straight to students emails, and we can engage with students in an environment fostered around community engagement, safe spaces, peer support, and much more,” they said. Distance student Angus says he had some difficulty finding the information about the new board members and their roles on the distance Stream site at first, however he soon found it with no problems. “Both the new sections are on the front page, really easy to find. The students introducing themselves are in the first forum in a pinned message in the general distance student forum, so if you did a little looking it’d probably be the first thing you find,” he said. A distance student who wishes to remain anonymous was totally indifferent to M@D’s new board or student politics in general and said they prefer to focus on their university work instead. “I had no idea about it, and quite frankly, I don’t even know what they do. Why do we have them?”

all campuses and the respective associations will get have the ability to work with students from their campuses,” Ben said. Tessa Guest, MAWSA President, says “It makes a lot of sense to roll this system out, because a lot of lecturers and course staff cross over between internal and distance cohorts. So, it will be way more efficient for students and staff to work through liaise with one system, rather than two or three.” She summarises, “Ultimately, the goal is for student voice to be strengthened, and for all class-related issues to be dealt with swiftly and thoroughly.” Ben says the system is adaptable and can change to suit each campuses’ needs as required. “We hope that every class in each course will have at least one class advocate to truly trial the system,” he said. Ben recognizes the goal to represent every course is ambitious. “We aim to have at least one student per class as an advocate, but we do understand that students will take time to get used to the system but hopefully the training material will be sufficient,” he said. Many classes have had no class advocate under the old system due to either lack of interest in the role or the role not being advertised well. If successful, it would likely be the first time every class has been represented by a student advocate independently. If you want to be an “Advanced” student advocate, according to the ASA website, all training will involve some “role play” for the advocates to practice their skills. Now, that sounds like a bit of me.

Two confessions pages one uni: how much demand can there really be? Competition arises in the dark depths of Facebook shitposting MASSIVE REPORTERS

NATIONAL NEWS

New class advocacy system rolls out Maybe this whole thing will stop being so confusing. One can hope. JAMES POCOCK

NATIONAL NEWS

A new class advocacy system is being trialed for all Semester 2 courses, essentially merging the three previous class rep systems. The approach will supposedly help student associations to collaborate resources to strengthen the service overall. This trial is the beginning of what will be sure to be further collaborative efforts between the associations, as the merge heats up. The new system is based on one that has been run by ASA on the Albany campus for the past decade. ASA President Ben Austin says the new system adopts parts of all the current Class Rep and Class Advocacy systems into one. “We have a single sign up that can be used across

Congratulations Massey University students! You’re now the lucky recipients of not one, but two Massey confessions Facebook pages! Praise be. In the past couple of weeks, a mysterious new contender has emerged on the scene, MU: Meaningless Confessions. Massey Confessions is the original page, currently sitting at around 2,400 likes. Massey Confessions was born in 2018. NEWS

While that may seem long enough for a confessions page to accumulate some decent content, it seems like Massey Confessions has been delivering less and less. At least, that’s what MU: Meaningless Confessions thinks. “My mates and I have been missing the confessions that the original Massey Confessions used to post. A year later and we had only seen posts about MUSA, depressive content, and nothing nowhere near [sic] as entertaining as its original form.” That was the origin story from the presumably very attractive people behind MU: Meaningless Confessions. MU: Meaningless Confessions currently only has a very sad following of 20 likes; however, they do have a point regarding Massey Confessions. MU: Meaningless Confessions is only a month old, but (at the time of printing) within that time a whooping 64% of all Massey Confessions’ posts have been about failing uni, students hating their lives, general complaints about the world around us, or all of the above. Misery loves company so they say but babes, seriously, lighten up.

They say, “[S]tudents are invited to sit in the Zoom room with cameras on and [mics] off. If students look to be straying away, they’ll be sent a friendly reminder to focus on their work. It will be a virtual space for students to join in with others doing similar. This is to help students to feel more connected to the Massey community, and less alone in the studies they are doing.” They note that these sessions are in addition to the Co-Presidents Virtual Open Office. If you need a friendly nudge to complete that essay you’ve been procrastinating, this might just be your chance. Or, at the very least, to flirt with that cute boy in your comms class. Either works!

Palmy parking cost increases JAMES POCOCK

MANAWATŪ NEWS

Of course, the blame for down buzz content can’t all be on the page. Surely, we’re all on the same vibe of hating our lives and failing uni? No? Well, MU: Meaningless Confessions think that the downfall of Massey Confessions is a combination of both. “[T]he confession page should have ability to control what content gets posted. Based on the number of posts that actually get published on [Massey Confessions] we definitely think the admin plays a part.” Clearly, MU: Meaningless Confessions won’t be making any changes to the Massey confessions landscape without people actually submitting good content to them. So … I guess it’s up to you guys if you really care about this at all? I don’t, lol. Regardless, Massey Confessions isn’t “phased” about the whole thing. If there is anything we can take away from this story it’s this: firstly, check in on your mates, especially if they seem the type to post to confession pages. Secondly, I would highly recommend sliding into the DMs of your local confessions and/or shit posting page. I had the best conversation with MU: Meaningless Confessions.....can’t stop thinking bout them..... abdsabufdhisjlfbjufk.

M@D start up academic writing sessions Please...I need this CAROLINE MORATTI

DISTANCE NEWS

Massey at Distance are starting up academic writing sessions for Semester 2, held on Tuesday evenings and Wednesdays at midday. M@D Co-Presidents, Jacalyn Clare and Jax Watt, say they’ve had positive engagement with their Monday study support, and based off this, they’d made the decision to begin the writing sessions, based off a similar system to the one held by the Massey University Anthropology Department.

Parking in Palmerston North has increased a whooping 20 cents to $1.70 p/h at metered spots in the central areas. Alongside the devastating change implemented on July 1, the Council had planned to extend the hours that parking would be charged as well as adding metered parking on Sunday. However, these changes have been put on hold after public outrage and a petition signed by 5,600 people. So basically, all of Palmy. Second year student Lawrence says the extended hours in the evening won’t affect him as much as the increased charges. “As a student, I tend to try and park in as many free parking areas as possible so increasing prices will affect me when I can’t find a spare free space,” he said. However, he says the possibility of charging weekend hours would affect him more. It was intended that charges would apply on Sundays from 9am to 3pm. Students making their last-minute piss runs for the weekend would be targeted too, with the other extension for charges until 9pm on Thursday, Friday and Saturday evenings. Fourth year student Hayden says none of the changes to the hours or cost affect him because he lives close to town. NEWS

“I can see how it would disadvantage people who have to drive and park every day,” he said. Another student, Dusty says “it’s fucking bullshit” and went on about libertarianism for a bit. Mood. Public consultation regarding the extension of hours will take place in September. Make sure to have your say.

New Mug Library at Tussock Normal libraries continue to remain book-focussed and boring. CAROLINE MORATTI

WELLINGTON NEWS

An exciting new initiative between MAWSA and Massey staff has resulted in a mug library for the Welly’s campus café, Tussock. The premise of the library is simple: borrow a mug instead of using the single-use coffee cups that Tussock provides. Once done, simply wash thoroughly and place back on the shelf. Voilà! Fiona Lu, MAWSA’s Sustainability and Wellbeing Officer, helped lead the project with staff. She says, “It should’ve been something that happen years ago to give students and staff more waste free options at Tussock. It’s a small step in the larger scheme of things but a step nonetheless in the right direction in terms of reducing waste.” Some universities, like Otago, have started charging $1 for use of their cup-libraries, so here’s hoping Massey remains communist and proud.

NEWS

HUNGRY FOR W O R D S B Y M A S O N TA N G ATATA I

I L L U S T R AT I O N S B Y TA L L U L A H F A R R A R

To unearth some valuable insights on hāngī and all things food, I sat down with three hāngī lovers: Minister of Conservation, Kiritapu Allan, Stuff reporter, Glenn McConnell and my nana, Mali. FEATURES

HĀNGĪ

FEATURES

lashing in the winter sky just before dawn, Matariki commences the Māori New Year. For many, the appearance of Matariki signals a time of peace, joy and remembrance. For me, Matariki signals all of above, plus some hearty kai. With Matariki disappearing from the skies and celebrations coming to a close – let’s cast our minds and bellies back to the soul-warming food put on our plates. As the steam-filled chamber is unearthed from the ground’s grasp, we’re met with the distinct waft of root vegetables and earth-scorched produce. The aroma carries throughout the backyard onto the table where whānau are gathered with gazing eyes and cutlery at the ready. Hāngī has lined tangata whenua pūku for centuries and continues to be the standout method of Māori cuisine shown off to the wider world. With new technology emerging each year, hāngī and Māori cuisine have departed down the road of modernization in a plea to appeal to a wider audience, altering the very whakapapa of our cooking techniques - but is this a bad thing? To unearth some valuable insights on hāngī and all things food, I sat down with three hāngī lovers: Minister of Conservation, Kiritapu Allan, Stuff reporter, Glenn McConnell and my nana, Mali. Hāngī is more than just kai, hāngī is an occasion bigger than the food on our plates. For Kiri Allan, hāngī provides valuable time to reconnect with whānau and whenua. “Hāngī has always been a part of a celebration or commemoration for my whānau. It’s special to see everyone playing their role and contributing to the whakapapa in front of us,” says Allan. “It’s a real team effort, from the tamariki peeling the spuds, to the tāne digging the pit and laying the stones. It takes almost as many hands to make a

“It’s a real team effort, from the tamariki peeling the spuds, to the tāne digging the pit and laying the stones. It takes almost as many hands to make a hāngī as it does to eat it.” hāngī as it does to eat it.” Hāngī embodies living off the land and utilizing the resources nearby. Across the Polynesian islands, similar cooking methods have been used as ways to feed the crowds. “The history of hāngī is really intuitive. Our tīpuna used what they had around them to create the best food possible. The whole idea of celebration and commemoration is relatively new.” “This special whakapapa connects us with other island nations who used the same intuition - we see it in the Samoan umu, Fijian lovo, Hawaiin imu in their own unique ways.” When asked what her favourite hāngī ingredient was, Allan understandably

struggled to set her mind on just one component. “I’m a real chops girl aye, you can’t go wrong with chops,” says Allan. “Actually titi (mutton) might be my favourite, but you don’t see them in hāngī too much nowadays, and don’t get me started on hāngī cabbage, it might be a hot take, but I can eat mountains of that.” For Allan, Māori cuisine is an artform that needs to be kept alive as the kitchens and taste buds of Kiwis modernise. “I think kai Māori is so much more than meat and veg. We have so many trailblazing leaders creating an exportable cuisine that showcases our food in a positive light to the world. FEATURES

Moving to the city hasn’t stopped Nana enjoying hāngī, even if it comes in different forms and sizes. “People are manufacturing all kinds of backyard hāngī nowadays. I’ve seen those new gadgets you can get from Bunning’s. It tastes just like an old school hāngī – pretty cool aye,” Nana continues. “I think it’s an acknowledgment that hāngī is an enjoyable way of eating and no matter how much technology replaces the traditional method, people want to taste that beautiful smoky flavour.... and don’t forget, it’s one of the most convenient ways of feeding a crowd.” “Try feeding 200 people with an oven!”

There is a real love for our style of food - it deserves to be appreciated and practiced for centuries to come.” “Hāngī is a beautiful way of cooking and a beautiful way to connect with whānau.” For many Māori living in urban environments, hāngī can be few and far between. For Glen McConnell, the evolution of hāngī and our native cuisine has given him a chance to reminisce through untraditional forms of kai Māori. “I don’t think these new methods are going to replace the traditional hāngī at a marae, but If you want to replicate the taste and feelings that bring back memories of the past, then these methods are a smart way to do so.” “I live in an apartment within the city, I’d be lucky enough to have a balcony, let alone fireproof backyard to dig a hāngī pit in,” McConnell says. Meatless diets have steadily grown in popularity as New Zealanders are made more conscious of their consumption. While hāngī is often looked at as an abundance of meat, being vegetarian hasn’t stopped

McConnell from enjoying hāngī and other kai Māori delicacies. “The great thing about hāngī is that it’s so plentiful. If you’re not eating meat, your plate won’t be empty,” McConnell Says. “Even in the cities I have options I can tuck into, Like Friday night fry bread sold at the Cuba Street markets, there’s even Michelin star quality Māori kai on the rise. It’s awesome to see this full spectrum of Māori food on display.” Mali, my nana, has grown up eating hāngī down at the Papawai marae in Greytown. Her memories of each occasion are fond, but have changed as she’s got older. “Down at Papawai, everyone was excited for a hāngī. The mountains of kai would leave us all with happy bellies,” Nana says. “The chefs were special; we saw them as superstars - feeding up to 200 people is no easy task.”

With an emergence of people selling hāngī as fundraisers and at markets, Nana takes every opportunity to enjoy the kai of her past. “For us, it’s special kai - it’s a luxury for us - we don’t have the opportunity to eat hāngī much anymore so we relish and enjoy it when we do.” “Everyone who sells a hāngī, always sells out. People want to eat this cultural delicacy when they can, because nothing else compares.” With hāngī on our minds it looks like I’ve managed to score myself a mean feed. “It’s an amazing moment to be a part of. You know what, when we get a good patch of weather, that’s what we will do, we will have a hāngī,” Nana says. But it’s not all rainbows and sunshine, as I’m sure Nana will put me to work. “You’ll be on the shovel my Masey!” Mānawatia a Matariki – new year’s greetings.

“As a grandparent nothing means more to me than seeing faces of all the whānau together uniting over full plates and full hearts, it’s a special moment to be a part of.”

FEATURES

Baked Beans are the quintessential student feed. Cheap, saucy and delicious, they’re a go-to for any occasion. Whether served with a fry-up or eaten cold on your kitchen floor, it’s fair to say that beans are, well, here for me emotionally in a way that no man has ever bean. In a quest for truth, Massive decided to go on a journey to find the best baked bean. 11 cans, three humans with questionable morals, but only one can take out the ultimate prize. And yes, to answer the question you’re dying to know, we all farted a lot afterwards (someone even sharted but I’m not naming names).

VALUE: $0.75 Ah, Value. Intimately nostalgic of school camps and that one weird kid from high school that didn’t sleep, these beans will transport you back to a simpler time. A time of dry-humping and unbuttered toast. That being said, Value baked beans truly are quite shit. The beans are powdery, the sauce watery (not to mention, the exact same sauce they use in spaghetti … is nothing sacred?), and the whole thing is just.... not good. It’ll do the job in a pinch, but I want a slap in the ass. 4/10

PAM’S: $2.49 Straight off the bat, Pam’s colour was darker than the usual orange slop. Muddy in both appearance and flavour, it seems. The sauce just... felt off. Imagine cooking sausages in a pan, and then leaving the leftover fat to coagulate. Whack that into a can and you’ve got yourself Pam’s baked beans. “Tastes like feet,” Micah lamented. He would know. 2/10

WATTIE’S LITE: $2.70 Advertised to have less sugar and salt than the original, I was hesitantly optimistic about this lil can of goodness. However, upon opening her treasure trunk, the colour was immediately off-putting. Very brown, very grungy-looking. On top of all that, a TERRIBLE smell. If you could package dick-

cheese, Wattie’s Lite comes pretty damn close, an almost impressive feat. As for the beans, they were suspiciously smooth. Yes, that’s a thing. Massive’s designer, Micah, likened these cunts to the kind of food you’d eat on an eighteenthcentury sea journey. Scurvy, anyone? 3/10

WATTIE’S: $2.20 I’ve always admired Wattie’s tomato sauce from a respectful distance, so my loins were juicing for a good beaning. On first bite, I was in heaven. Say what you want about Wattie’s, but a watery sauce maketh they do not. A very solid bean, a thick, creamy tomato delight. But then, the after-taste kicked in. Fucking hell, it was sweet! What was once fun and flirty soured into a sickeningly sugary bean custard. It felt like waking up from a onenight stand and discovering Yu-GiOh cards plastered around their bedroom. True story. A waking nightmare, to this day. 6/10 (Loved the foreplay, didn’t cum.)

MACRO WHOLE FOODS CERTIFIED ORGANIC: $1.50 Oh God, the colour on these bad boys. The TEXTURE. Macro beans look like a tactical-vom gone wrong, and not the good kind where you can kind of re-drink the alcohol again (don’t judge me, I’m poor). The FEATURES

sauce was congealed in lumps, similar in appearance to apple sauce. However, once heated up, not bad. A bit bean-heavy in taste and smell, and the sauce was strangely reminiscent of tomato sauce, but hey, I’ll take what I can get. 5/10

WEIGHT WATCHERS: $1.19 Small container. Small beans. God, I don’t even have much to say about this one. Literally just beans in tomato-water. So sad. 1/10

OAK: $1.40 Oak is my childhood brand, seemingly non-pretentious, a real bean of the people. Upon further inspection, however, the gravy was concealed and clumpy, resulting in an orgy of beans when poured. Was it somewhat arousing, if not disturbing? Yes, yes it was. God, I’m so touch starved. Overall, Oak was decent, albeit a little sweet. Standard bean, silky gravy, just lacking any wow factor. I want my MasterChef Australia moment, where the judges slap spoons against a table in delight. To be intoxicated by mere taste. Penetrated by flavour. Is that too much to ask for? 6/10

WATTIE’S CHEESE: $2.69 Now finally, here was a contender! I’d never heard of baked beans with cheese before, but as I am an avid spaghetti and cheese girl, in theory the mechanics made sense. Tomato, cheese, what’s not

to love? And I was right. The cheese helped to dull the unrelenting sweetness of Wattie’s, adding a much-needed savoury note. The sauce was also noticeably firmer and more consistent rather than the watery dribbles that we’d been served that afternoon. Tallulah, Massive’s illustrator, was furious with the concoction, likening it to baby food. Trust me, if that’s what babies eat, then wrap me up in a diaper and burp me gently. 5/10 (Other people’s scores pushed this sweet nugget down. They couldn’t handle the jandal.)

HEINZ ENGLISH RECIPE: $2.69 The British, whilst famously racist and bad at soccer, are said to do a good bean. Only one way to find out! Tallulah was all OVER this one. Coming into the review, she’d already blatantly labelled it as her favourite. Impartial reviewer, my ass. And sure, Heinz was good! Nice smelling, nice tasting sauce. The beans were a tad mushy for my liking and disintegrated quickly, but I guess it does help get the whole experience over and done with. By this point we’d been tasting beans for the past hour so we were basically all losing our fucking minds. Overall, a very nice little can of fun. 8/10

CHANTAL ORGANICS: $3.19 Okay, so lemme give you a rundown on Chantal Organics. Because...WHAT. Despite what they say on the packet, these aren’t fucking baked beans. No, this is much closer to a refried bean with a curry- like texture on the sauce. Which is fine, go off, but don’t try to pass it off as a baked bean. Put some respect on FEATURES

the name, you know? Chantal offered a wider variety of spices in their sauce, which made the whole thing very savoury and dinnerish. If you had some cheese and guac, I’d pop the whole thing in a wrap. Overall, Chantal felt like something my mum would have forced me to eat back when I was unable to fend for myself (and by that, I mean order UberEats). I’m looking for saucy little beans to smother on toast for three consecutive meals, not a fancy-ass meal. I want to hate myself, you know? I know you know. 4.5/10

You want a nice fried tasty wee thing, not something that’s basically the same texture as the beans themselves. So, that knocked a couple of points off. Trust me, if I could bathe in the sauce, I would, but this is a bean competition babe. A tough one at that. 8/10

THE WINNER: HEINZ Yep, there you have it. Turns out, the British really do know their beans. Overall, Wattie’s served up a very emotional, very complex sausage fest. For sauce, it’s incredible, but the price point is anything but. Heinz is far cheaper, although still a little pricey, and provides a satisfying bean that’s sure to make anyone’s day. Pls sponsor us Heinz :) Our people will get in touch with your people.

WATTIE’S SAUSAGE: $3.70 Now here comes a controversial contender: Sausages in beans. Right?? Tallulah was vegetarian, so she just glared at us whilst we eat (not because she hates meateaters lol, she just really wanted Heinz to win). Firstly, an undeniable aspect of the sausage-bean combo: it is sexual. Seeing these sausages slop from the can, moist and bean-coated, was perhaps one of the most pornographic images I’d ever seen. Sweet baby Jesus, I almost couldn’t take it. Just like the cheese, the addition of sausages helped to mask the sweetness of the sauce. Only... more so. It was meaty and smoky and so goddamn full of umami I nearly cried. It had been a long day, okay. There’s only so many beans one girl can take, both physically and emotionally. The sausage itself? Disappointing. FEATURES

How to make your flatmate wash their fucking dishes Words by Caroline Moratti 1. Start leaving passive aggressive sticky notes on the fridge, like “Don’t forget to tidy up! :)”. Progress to leaving them on the bathroom mirror, front door and under their bed. Remember, the more smiley faces you use, the less of an asshole you are! 2. Call their mum and have a nice hour-long phone call about how their parenting techniques went so wrong. Encourage them to reach out to their offspring and reprimand them. However, after weeks of intimate conversations, you realise you’ve never felt this way before. Is this what...love feels like? Flatmate will eventually either move out, after hearing you shagging their mum, or you’ll be too in love to notice the dirty dishes anyway. 3. Put all the dishes in their pantry or fridge shelf. Then wait. 4. Draw sad faces on the dishes with dishwashing liquid/tomato sauce. No one can resist turning away from such artistic expression. 5. Start posting on Massey Confessions with intimate details of your rage. If that doesn’t work, call them out on a community Facebook forum like Vic Deals, naming and shaming. 6. Send in pics to Massive’s snapchat! We love

snaps hehe. 7. Message the group chat that there’s a flat inspection coming. Watch the panic ensure. Last minute, tell them that the landlord cancelled/got the dates wrong. Whoops! 8. Replace all the dishes in the house with paper plates. Stash the pans in a cupboard with a padlock. 9. Take polaroids of the dishes and slide the pics under your flatmate’s door every couple of days. When confronted, claim ignorance. 10. Tentatively seduce your flatmate. Wear revealing PJs around the house, break down their emotional walls. Wrap them around your goddamn little finger. Take them on dates to art galleries and small Italian bistros. Kiss them under the full moon. Meet their parents, pick out baby names. On the day of your wedding, when asked if anyone has any reasons to object to such a union, slowly raise your hand. “They didn’t do their fucking dishes,” you weep, genuine tears in your eyes. You’ll walk out and start a new life with that hot server from the Italian bistro. The dishes will never again be left to pile up in the sink. 11. Have an honest conversation with them faceto-face about how you’re feeling. Haha, just kidding. CULTURE

MASSIVE ASKED STUDENTS ABOUT THE BEST ADVICE THEY’D GIVE IN THE KITCHEN WORDS BY ARI PRAKASH ILLUSTRATIONS BY TALLULAH FARRAR

To some people, cooking comes so fucking naturally. For the rest of us, it’s a pasttime littered with smoke alarms, food on the floor and trying not to cry infront of our flatmates. To help the “idiot sandwiches” among us, Massive has compiled advice from the few people we would somewhat trust in a kitchen. Their credentials? Well, they haven’t given themselves food poisoning yet or left a plastic chopping board on a hot stove. Sure, this article probably won’t turn you into a Michelin star chef, but can help you avoid some dumb decisions in the culinary world.

AVOID SPICY CAT SHIT Basically, beware of leaving food out. Nina, a distance student from the South Island, highlighted the danger of pets and flat cooking. When she introduced the flat cat to me, she said, “this is Dustin - he’s a little fucked up”, don’t worry, he’s very sweet but also very dumb. After making a spicy curry, Dustin “licked it up a bit and took a shit on the floor”. Whether Dustin actually liked the food is still unknown. But it still hasn’t put him off stealing food to this day. He later stole an unsuspecting sausage. Also, food gets mouldy too, and flatmates can get angry, so do your dishes. Or at least hide them in your room, where no one else can see.

KISS (KEEP IT SIMPLE STUPID) Ash, who has been flatting for a couple of years, said that the key things to keep in mind for cooking as a student are “fast, easy and cheap”. But that doesn’t mean you can’t get creative. Ash had a friend who would make “adjustable apple crumble” as a flat dessert. She said he’d get a “big casserole dish with layers that have more apple or more crumble”. It was created from a “big apple stew with different layers

of apple and crumble”. It allowed flatmates to adjust according to their needs. Flexible, adaptable, a success story for flat meals. Nina also mentioned keeping it simple: “Just get the bare necessities, carbs, meat [or not if you aren’t into that] and veg, throw it all together and eat it.” Emma, a third year uni student, recommended keeping packet and/or sachet food for when you don’t have time to cook. It also created one of the (possible) first meals she made in a uni accommodation flat. “I can’t remember exactly what the first meal I cooked was, but I’m 99% sure it was coconut curry, vegetables and rice. I had I think the Wattie’s stir fry vegetable mix, the one with the pineapple (not very nice, don’t get that one) as well as the coconut curry sauce packet and white rice that I cooked in my rice cooker.” That coconut curry ended up becoming a staple in Emma’s menu. Although, I’ve found the easiest threeingredient dishes I’ve made include cheese, any type of pasta and whatever meat or veggies you have on hand. Just to be clear, seasoning does not count as an extra ingredient. It is a necessity and, hot tip, add a shit ton of salt to the water as the pasta cooks. I’ve seen videos of monkeys seasoning their yams in seawater, and if they know the importance of salt, you should know it too.

RINSE YOUR RICE BEFORE COOKING Just saying! It helps get rid of the starch, and avoids rice turning into a horrendous mush.

PORTION SIZES FOR DUMMIES AND GOOD EGGS For people used to cooking for families and, say, four people, it can be hard to adjust to solo cooking. Nina and her flatmate made fettuccine carbonara as one of their first meals and cooked all their ingredients, fettuccine, bacon and all to create a monster-sized portion of carbonara. Despite this experience, Nina still advises “measuring with your heart”. Personally, my FEATURES

heart says dumb shit sometimes and I can end up with both bad decisions and too much sauce in my cooking. The latter is a problem I have solved, I just add flour to reduce the liquid in my cooking and make it thick af. They key takeaway here is utilise that empty freezer space. As Emma summarised, “Make more than one serving. You never know when your schedule will get busy. You’ll wish for an easy frozen or fridge meal that you can whip up in the microwave and not have to eat instant twominute noodles for the fifth time that month.” Don’t be afraid to add some extras to your twominute noodles either. Live a little, uni is all about experimentation anyway. I like adding a poached egg to mine. I know *fancy*. To get great poached eggs I put salt and a capful of white vinegar in water on medium heat (don’t boil it). Stir the water and add an egg while the water is spinning and bam! You’ve got a good egg.

STORAGE IS KEY Things you should be keeping in your pantry: Garlic, onions, potatoes, hard squashes. Things you should be keeping on your benchtop: Tomatoes, basically any kind of fruit. Things you should be keeping in your pantry: The rest of the veges.

bread knife can make cutting soft and juicy fruit/veggies easier, for example, the tomato. Ash claims leeks are her particular downfall, saying “I was cooking all the hard green parts and threw away all the good light green parts… I was using the wrong part of the vegetable.”

SCRAMBLE EGG WHITES IN THE PAN FIRST, THEN TOUCH THE YOLK Listen, it makes for a particularly moist scramble. Just chuck an egg in the pan, gently start stirring the whites until they start gaining colour. Then, pop the yolk and cook it for the last 30 seconds of the cook. Trust me.

FINALLY, IT’S TRIAL AND ERROR Making mistakes is ok. If you’re not burning the house down, you’re making progress. Your cooking journey is a marathon not a sprint. Ash said, “the first time I made mashed potatoes, I left the water in because I thought that’s how it gets mashed”. Then she had to scoop out sopping wet potatoes with a spoon out of some milky-looking water (after this, I wondered if potato milk is a thing, and it is. Look it up, I dare you.) It pays to branch out a bit too; life is short, eat dragon fruit, try a cooking technique that sounds French like sauté, pureé… baguette. I don’t fucking know, I saw Ratatouille once. If you don’t want to get creative with cooking that’s fine too. Just try not to poison yourself and your flat, then you’ll be fine.

Oh, and root vegetables last longer than the more fragile veg. If you’re buying herbs, wrap them up in a slightly damp paper towel.

KNOW YOUR FOOD NOW – AVOID LOOKING STUPID IN THE FUTURE I once heard one of my intermediate teachers say “a potato isn’t a vegetable, it’s a carbohydrate”. Not only does that show stupidity has no age (she was not in her twenties) but could also explain why some of us are so hopeless in the kitchen. When it comes to cooking, there’s always something out there and some food that you don’t know what to do with. Let’s be honest though, in most cases it is a vegetable. Even long-time vegans/vegetarians like Emma have had trouble with veggies like spring onions. She “had no idea what to do with them and they went off in [her] fridge”. You can use both the white and green parts of spring onion and it’s used mainly in stir-fries, salads and as a garnish. Hot tip: A FEATURES

DECENT FEED OR SCRAPS FOR THE MASSES? WORDS BY RIMU BHOOI Look, I am a sucker for free shit. During the morning daily Instagram scroll, I come across so many giveaways and I just can’t pass it without tagging at least one mate. I’m a sucker for it, and my inbox is filled to the brim (2k+ emails) from businesses I signed up to. This week I decided to really challenge my freebie nature and see if I could make a meal from Massey Wellington’s free kai drops. These tend to happen all over various Massey campuses thanks to student execs, and I know that, like me, you’ve experienced the pain of seeing the IG stories too late and those hungry early rising freshers cleaning out the freebie stand of anything edible. I did a little investigating and found out that the kai comes from KaiBosh. They’re a food rescue organisation that has rescued an impressive 1.8 million kgs of kai from landfill. Their free of charge service involves nabbing quality but surplus kai from businesses. Volunteers then redistribute it to charities and community groups. With over five and a half million meals provided around Aotearoa already, KaiBosh is certainly increasing food security for many people, and Massey students sure are grateful.

•

Gluten-Free Bread Mix

•

Rimu’s note: I was fucking geeked to see such yum food and pretty hefty staples like carbs.

Challenge – Use as much free kai as possible to make a decent feed for the flatties. Now, full disclosure, I’m a final year student and live in Karori so I’m as skint as the rest of y’all. I only snagged one each of the ingredients above, and used the potatoes from my own pantry cause I figured one of you poor cunts could probably do with some free ones. I recommend getting to the food stand pretty early (around mid-morning) to make sure you get a good geeze of your options. You could hypothetically grab a handful of the salt n pepper sachets from Tussock. Herbs like parsley and basil are in planters just outside MAWSA and you’ll no doubt spot some rosemary if you wander around your suburb. Final note from me is there’s fucking judgment when it comes to kai. Eat what you can, when you can, and if that means collecting free kai or scavenging your local community garden – so be it.

Free kai comes with so many stereotypes and upturned noses. I once thought that only people without homes and support systems should accept free kai. It took me becoming disabled by endometriosis to realise that food is a very basic part of wellbeing. Sometimes you just can’t afford to buy groceries, I certainly couldn’t when my weekly medical bills were higher than my rent. Sometimes things happen, you don’t have a liveable income, or a secure home. Whatever the reason, it is totally fine to accept food from food banks, your support people, and your community. Most tertiary students are on StudyLink and it’s maybe just enough to cover rent and bills in the major cities. The reality is uni students live in poverty, our homes are cold and damp, our bills high asf, our jobs exploitative; so, accepting free food is actually completely fine.

SAVOURY FRENCH TOAST W/ CHIPS WHAT YOU’LL NEED TO SUSS: •

2 medium sized potatoes

•

Harvest Snaps Pea Crisps Dill Pickle flavour

•

Sliced bread

•

Milk

•

Salt and pepper

For us Welly folks, food is dropped on Tuesdays, so I lurked around the Co-Lab until finally, success!

•

Herbs

•

What you’ll need to make the recipe half-decent -

HERE’S THE FOOD I NABBED:

•

Oil

•

Washed Potatoes

•

3 tbs corn starch/corn flour OR an egg

•

Harvest Snaps Pea Crisps

FRIES:

•

Oat Milk

•

Gluten-Free Bread

•

Supermarket Cheese Rolls Pack of 6

2. Empty half of the pea crisps into a bowl and mash the shit out of them, till powdery (save the other half of the crisps for that midnight Netflix sesh snack).

Preheat oven to 200°C on fan bake.

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3. Slice up the potatoes into fries and microwave them in a covered bowl with about ¼ cup of water for five minutes. 4. Don’t be a twit like me and burn your fingers on the hot bowl; use a tea towel to remove from microwave.

Place on tea towel or paper towel to drain excess oil and then repeat with more slices!

MEAL NOTES

5. Pour a decent whack of oil over the par-cooked fries till coated.

Plate up the fries and french toast with whatever shit you got in your fridge.

6. Pour the crisp dust over the fries till they’re somewhat evenly covered in that pickily goodness.

I tested tomato sauce, garlic aioli, and sweet chilli sauce and I highly recommend at least one of those.

There was a long-forgotten carrot in the dark depths of my fridge which I thoroughly washed and thinly sliced up on the side. It was a nice bit of freshness to balance out the grease.

Spread them out in a baking tray and bake till toasty brown.

8. Salt and pepper those babies. FRENCH TOAST 1.

Whisk together three tablespoons cornstarch/egg with ½ cup of milk.

2. Add salt, pepper, and any herbs you have lying around (I used some dry mixed herb from Countdown). Whisk again. 3. Heat about 1cm of oil in a frying pan on medium heat. 4. Pour the batter into a shallow bowl or lipped plate and dip your bread slices in it. 5. Make sure the bread is well coated on both sides but not soggy and drippy. Carefully add them to the frying pan. 6. Cook for 2/3 minutes on each side until they crisp up to a nice golden brown.

This recipe serves about three, so I knocked on the doors in my flat and asked for their reckons. Rangimarie said, “So tasty! So good! The french toast was yum, but my absolute favourite was the crunch on the fries. My first thought was I would pay for these.” Grace is a person of few words, but even this odd mix of kai brought a smile to their face, “fries are a solid 8/10”. They gave the french toast a serious side eye and then a “hard pass”, but I actually quite liked it. I’m definitely gonna make the french toast again because I have so much bread left that I had to freeze it. I might even make my own bread from the fancy premix. If I’ve learnt one thing from this experience it’s that bread is just so fucking good.

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Remember that time when the TikTok baked feta pasta went viral? A baking dish filled with a block of feta cheese melting into the burst cherry tomato gems, maybe with a sprinkle of fresh basil on top if you’re feeling fancy. Meanwhile, a bowl of shell pasta awaits to be mixed into the rich sauce of cheese and cherry tomatoes. The simple recipe provides what all students (and basically anyone who has heaps of deadlines) need: a short prep time with a simple cooking method. And lots of cheese. It almost seems too good to be true. What made TikTok’s feta pasta so attractive was the fact that you didn’t need to be a good cook in order to cook this dish. Just put some shit in the oven, then pour pasta on top. Sounds simple? Here comes the catch. The viral TikTok feta pasta is overrated. While the recipe requires affordable ingredients that you may already have in your pantry, it doesn’t deserve all the hype. Why? Because the pasta was bland! It had the creamy texture from the feta, sure, but the flavour of the cherry tomatoes was hidden, almost pointless. In addition, TikTok was vague about the oven temperature and the baking time. I practically had to wait to the point beyond hunger just for the sauce mixture to be fully cooked. While the cheese was melting into the cherry tomatoes, it took fucking forever for the cherry tomatoes to burst and the cheese almost got burnt, even with the oven being preheated. “That’s just one recipe, surely, there are other better TikTok recipes out there,” TikTokers may retort. Yes, there are. But hear me out, TikTok should only be used as a social media platform, not as

your go-to cooking channel. Here are several reasons why. Though TikTok recipes are appetising and innovative, they are extremely difficult to follow. The catch about following TikTok recipes is the app’s short video format, which is the main reason why it shouldn’t be relied on as a cooking channel. In fact, TikTok’s short video format can deter users from following and exploring other recipes, as all the instructions are crammed into a duration of one minute, or three if you’re lucky. Despite its time-saving video structure allowing users to watch several videos within five to fifteen minutes, something short, sharp, and shy of details isn’t exactly going to help your efforts in the kitchen. In order for TikTok content creators to convey their entire recipes within the time frame of the fixed video structure, they will often leave out the specific measurements of the ingredients used, an essential for recipes. I guess we can only wing it the next time we use a TikTok recipe to cook for the family. If you’re running out of ideas and looking for alternative platforms to find your recipes (unless you’re an octogenarian who solely relies on cable), fret not, for YouTube is here to save your day! Though YouTube is getting horrendously commercial by being loaded with ads to encourage you to pay for their ‘YouTube Premium’ service (please, stop), there is an option to save any video to your playlists for further reference. Plus, unlike TikTok, viewers are able to lower the default video speed in case the video is hard to follow. Amidst the myriad of dishes I’ve tried from YouTube, the eggplant ham fritters

from ‘Xiaoying Cuisine’ were a huge hit among my family. These fritters are perfect for anyone who dislikes the gooey insides of aubergines and they could be eaten for brunch, lunch or as a side dish. In summary, YouTube is suitable for those who pick up recipes better from video instructions. If you learn better from reading recipes, like me, I recommend going back to basics by using Google. Google mainly presents recipes taken from food blogs. The pros of using Google for finding new recipes is the ease of penning down recipes into your cookbook without the risk of mishearing and the fact that the featured recipes receive star-rating from other users. The only downside of Google are pop-up ads. One recipe I’ve attempted is the lemon zucchini pasta from the Food Network. Unlike the original recipe, I left out the butter and the dish became my family’s new favourite. Though TikTok is a trendy social media platform, it is a medium more suitable for general entertainment and for content creators to set fresh trends. Try YouTube, or hell, even pick ua recipe book from time to time.

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SHOULD WE REALLY FOLLOW TIKTOK RECIPES?

BY ELIZABETH CHAN

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CULINARYLINGUS

F L AT B R E A D By Elena McIntyre-Reet

SIMPLE AND DELCIOUS! There’s something so idyllic about baking your own bread, the kneading, the resting the baking and that glorious smell that fills your kitchen. But oh my God it’s so much fucking work, so for this recipe all you need is two ingredients and a frying pan. This flatbread goes great with a curry, meat sauce or just a little snacky snack.

INGREDIENTS •

1 cup Greek yoghurt

•

1 ½ cups self-raising flour

METHOD 1. Grab yourself a mediumsized bowl and add the Greek yoghurt, don’t pack it in too much just wack it in there.

uncovered on the bench.

sticky.

2. Mix in the sifted self-raising flour and combine it well until it forms a gorgeous little yoghurt-flour ball.

4. Put the mixture onto a floured chopping board and give it a quick knead to make sure everything is combined. Then, rip off around four or five balls of the mix to roll into separate pieces of bread.

6. Heat up a non-stick pan with a good amount cooking spray and add all your sections of bread, making sure they’re real flat. Cook those bad boys like a pancake until they’re nice and brown on both sides.

3. Add in any seasoning you want or a bit of cheese if you’re feeling fancy and let the mix rest for 10-20 minutes

5. Roll each section into balls and then squash them down real flat, add extra flour when needed so they don’t get too

7. Serve up with a meal of your choice and add a bit of flaky salt for that little bit of pizazz.

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Sexcapades X-Rated Adventures of the Massey Underbelly Episode 14: Ignorance is Bliss

Got a confession, a naughty tale, a sexy story? Email sexcapades@massivemagazine.org.nz to submit yours xoxox Let me set the scene. My brothers 21st birthday party, located at this run down, country town hall. A liquorland trailer parked round the back, filled with box’s of everything you could dream of at my age. Cruisers, long whites, nitros, xport gold I guess, you name it. I was a young 16-year-old girl wearing my kmart boutique jumpsuit and my leather converse school shoes, it was going to be a fabulous night. I was I must say around 5 rtd’s down and my blurry eyes had the ability to focus on some sexy beast. I went up to him on the dance floor with heaps of bloody confidence and started having a boogy with him. I had never met him in my life, so I was thinking in the back of my mind, why is he at my brother’s birthday? I soon found out he was a +1 for an exchange student from Spain in my bro’s rugby team. After attempting to have a conversation with him it was too loud, so I dragged him into the kitchen to hear better. Couple minutes went by and I realised this fella spoke fuck all English, but he was hot as so I continued to get my ins. We made out and ended up outside out the back of the hall, with me bent over get fucked from behind. Like I said before, this man didn’t speak much English so the only words coming out of his mouth while I was

getting railed were “I love you, I love you, I love you” in an extreme Spanish accent. Because of this fucking position, his massive Spanish cock managed to dive into the wrong hole. This sent outrageous shocks of pain up my body leaving me in a doubled over heap of sweat and kmart jumpsuit. I decided that this just ruined the moment so I headed off back inside to my family. As the night went on I realised the pain in my ass was not declining so I went off to the bathroom to check the bitch out. I parted my legs and looked at my panties which were filled with blood, I guess my anus got ripped or something? I wasn’t going to let this sexy Spainard ruin my night so I resulted to stuffing a wade of toilet paper up my crack and headed back on out. The rest of the night was fine. I ended up seducing another one of my brothers’ mates and took him home to get a more pleasant root. And yes, I ensured my ass had stopped bleeding before acting on this. To Spanish dude, if your still out there, I never said it, but I love you too.

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We’re Going on a Man Hunt

Spinster woman seeks desperate man By One Less Lonely Girl

Another week, another chance for me to humiliate myself in the pursuit of a boyfriend. For those curious about last week’s Omegle guy, essentially, he messaged me on Instagram saying that he’d deleted Tinder since our conversation. Yeah, I know! The power I wield, honestly. I can make a guy fucking delete a dating app from a 30-minute convo (or maybe I’d scarred him from dating for life, whatever), isn’t that incredible? Unfortunately, I just wasn’t really vibing it. He was 30, he lived in Christchurch, he used too many hashtags on social media. So onwards we go, readers. This week, as promised, I went out boyfriend hunting in the most plentiful of places: the university library. A sacred spot of learning and hot men in glasses. I spent about an hour practically hyperventilating in the corner before I worked up the nerve to approach my first target. Tall, blonde, conventionally handsome; he was the total opposite of my type so I thought that might make things easier. It didn’t. I approached him slowly, and at the crucial moment of contact, my mind went fucking blank. “Do you know where the bathroom is?” I asked. He pointed down the corridor. Not a single word uttered. I smiled, very stupidly: “Thanks, just needed a quick piss!” I stupidly thought that talking about piss would helpfully clarify that I wasn’t taking a shit. A shit isn’t cool, a piss can at least be a bit of a laugh. It wasn’t. I had just announced that I was about to urinate to a total stranger, then ran off. The Universe 1, Me 0.

The next boy I approached was a bit more geekylooking, and thus might take pity on a sad, piss-talking stranger. This guy, let’s call him Simon, was reading a sad-looking book about fonts. Bingo. Sans Serif, am I right? I rocked up, and sat down about a seat away from him. There was still space between us, but I was sitting pretty awkwardly close considering the vast amount of room in the library. After about 5 minutes, I turned to him, ready for my chance at love. “Do you have a pen I could borrow?” He stared at me weirdly, but nodded and got a ballpoint from his backpack. He was still looking at me, which I was almost taking complimentarily, until I realised: Fuck. I had forgotten I’d only brought a laptop and not paper. I didn’t even have anything I could use a pen on! I awkwardly took it from his hand, and smiled. Fuck, fuck, fuck. In a moment of excruciating agony, I scribbled some random numbers on my hand and handed it back. “Cheers!” Okay, so I had gotten myself out of one love landmine. Could I get myself across the finished line? Taking a deep breath, I turned back to Simon, and blabbered “I know this is totally random, but do you want to get a coffee?” A pause. More like a fucking linger, if I’m honest. And then finally a: “No thank you, I don’t really drink coffee.” Okay. Okay. Awkward. Knowing when to take the L, I muttered a quick “all good!” and packed up my things. The walk of shame to the library door was long and unforgiving. To be honest, I felt like a freak. Bit of a lowpoint, folks. Don’t even get me started on the can of Boss Iced Coffee I saw on Simon’s desk. Non-coffee drinker, my ass.

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PUZZLE PAGE! WORD WHEEL

The target is to create as many words of 4 letters or more, using the letters once only and always including the letter in the middle of the wheel. 4-letter words: 11 5-letter words: 5 6-letter words: 1

N R

7-letter words: 1 9-letter words: 1

intable Sudoku14/07/2021 - Sudoku for kids - 07/14/2021

8 1

5 3

3 1

2 9

Sudoku - Hard

07/13/2021

65 7 2 1

7 5

5 4

76 2

3 1

2 9

6 2

3 2

2 5

8 1 5

8 4

6 3

3 7

EASY

Printable Sudoku - Hard - 07/13/2021

Sudoku - Easy

07/14/2021

7 23 6

9 5

7 8

4 3

16 6

6 2

2 3

9 7

1 6 427

Apothecary Bad Taste

4 1

28 7 82

Weekend Run 3 Mortal Orchestra 6 6 Unknown

HIT PICK

Mercury Womb

9 4

Sleep 71 Troy Kingi

ANNA’S PICK

Open Your Eyes (at the same time) Renegade (feat. Taylor Swift) Shar vs Lion Big Red Machine

21 Sudoku.cool Sudoku Today ( https://sudoku.today )

9 4 1

7 5

6 7

9 8

HARD

7 6 78 53 2 3 1 7 TOP 10 RADIO CONTROL 99.4FM 11

MEDIUM

5 8

W P

Printable Sudoku 14/07/2021 - Easy - 07/13/2021

ku -SUDOKUS Easiest

3 5 8 8 9

Grudge Fale Kerrigan

Heave Ho 7 94 Lips

54 1

7 4 9

31 8

8 1

46 9783 7

3 2

Holding a Flame Womb

Fungal Descent Grecco Romank

2 1

Home Again 4 6 5 shannengeorgiapetersen

MICHAEL’S PICK

Sudoku Today ( https://sudoku.today )

Here Comes the Best Bit Carc on Carb

FELIX’S PICK

5 2 10 7

6 7

Leave Love Out Of This Anthonie Tonnon Crossing Sulfate

9 2

GORDON’S PICK City Across the Bay Grawlixes

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CROSSWORD ACROSS 1. Pash (4) 3. What you’d crack a nang into (7) 6. Worst Taylor Swift single (2) 7. Scientific name for nang (12) 8. Where rich Auckland kids go every summer (6) 10. Average standards in a wine bottle (5) 12. Dumb, sexy musical instrument (9)

14. Girlboss slang for Yes (3) 15. Gooch (5) 17. Ridiculously hot movie ape (4) 20. Morty uses this as a dildo (10) 23. Incredible HBO show where everyone is an asshole millionaire and you love them (10) 25. Downton ____ (5) 26. Very bad movie where Ed Sheeran reveals himself to be a very bad actor (9)

DOWN 1. Soon-to-be ex-husband of Kim Kardashian (9) 2. For the boys (8) 3. Tacky, but high-end (6) 4. A fillet of brined salmon (3) 5. ____ but a goodie (5) 6. Mattel car toy brand, also used for fires (8) 9. Back to the future character with great hair (3) 11. Opposite of TikTok (6)

12. Currently dating Rihanna (9) 13. Animal with corkscrew penis (4) 16. Tiktok slang describing a feeling girls get about guys (3) 18. Happening (2) 19. Current state of my hair :( (6) 20. Most delicious meal but you MUST save the water (5) 21. Bad, terrible (5) 22. Paris Hilton: Stop being _____! (4) 24. Best Mamma Mia song (3)

QUIZ

QUIZ ANSWERS: 1. c) 2. b) 3. d) 4.a) 5. c) 6. c) 7. b) 8. c) 9. d) 10. a)

1. Which type of beans are used to make baked beans? A) Borlotti beans B) Cannellini beans C) Navy beans D) Flageolet beans 2. What were the first teabags made from? A) Linen B) Silk C) Gauze D) Paper 3. What percentage of all oranges grown are used to produce juice? A) 45% B) 60% C) 75% D) 85% 4. Which vegetable is sometimes referred to as ‘Italian asparagus’? A) Broccoli B) Leeks C) Spinach D) Celery LAST ISSUE CROSSWORD ASNWERS Across: Belly Flop, Mufti, Aoraki,

5. If you ordered nigiri from a Japanese restaurant menu, what would you be served? A) A type of dumpling B) A selection of sliced raw fish & seafood C) A type of sushi featuring rice topped with fish or seafood D) A type of sushi featuring raw fish or seafood wrapped in rice and seaweed 6. What is a spoot? A) A type of potato B) A type of root vegetable C) A type of clam D) A type of kitchen implement 7. Ciabatta is an Italian bread made with olive oil, but what is the literal meaning of the name ciabatta? A) Pillow B) Slipper C) Crust D) Holes

syrup sauce B) Chicken in a warm fruit cocktail C) Fried chicken served chilled D) Chicken stuffed with tomato and mozzarella 9. Which of the following does not feature on the ingredients list of Worcestershire Sauce? A) Tamarind B) Anchovies C) Molasses D) Tomatoes 10. In Indonesian and Malay cuisine what does the word ‘nasi’ refer to? A) Rice B) Egg C) The bowl or dish the food is served in D) Curry

8. Which best describes a Chicken Maryland? A) Chicken served in a sweet maple

Ice Cold, Hitler, Psycho, Ginny, Earn, Chillax, Pony, Dairy , Nascar Childish, Beige, Nutella , Enemy

Down: Breaking Bad, Location, Pouch, Facial, IUD, Lycra, Bounty, Euthanasia, Psilocybin, Nihilist,

Exorcism, Nihilist, Yodel

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STARTUP SPEAKER SERIES

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Horoscopes AQUARIUS

In a fit of munchies, you’ll make a bizarre but wonderful meal this week. Make sure to take a picture of it, this is a dish you don’t want to forget. This week’s depression meal: Cheese toastie with the WORKS.

CANCER

Throw out that spinach in your fridge. Let’s face it, you’re not going to eat it, and it’s just rotting at this point. This week’s depression meal: Three Maccas chocolate milkshakes from UberEats

GEMINI

Reconsider your anger towards the vending machines. Yes, they’ve changed the selection. But as yourself, why do you feel such rage? Perhaps it’s time to go back to therapy. This week’s depression meal: Coco Pops

LIBRA

Rediscover your love of baking. From edibles, to lemon sponge cake, you’ve got this. Just do something other than watching Netflix all day, I beg of thee. This week’s depression meal: Leftover pizza

SAGITTARIUS

Start bringing a packed lunch to uni. It’s time. This week’s depression meal: Diet Coke and a good hoon on the vape.

TAURUS

Start going to the supermarket late at night. It’s just nicer there, and you’ll stop running into fuckers from high school. This week’s depression meal: Dry toast

ARIES

Do. The. Dishes. This is actually your flatmate writing this. Yep, we fucking hacked into Massive, bitch. Just to tell you this. This is your final warning!! This week’s depression meal: Cold tinned spaghetti

CAPRICORN

This week is not your week for any attempts in the kitchen. Don’t even think about it. Just stick with the brand-name packaged shit, at least for the next 7 days. This week’s depression meal: Fancy ice-cream that you can’t afford but you still buy.

LEO

You’ll begin to embrace the wonders of a slow-cooker. It makes food whilst you’re out all day! Also, use sunscreen, we’re all aging horribly here. This week’s depression meal: Grated Cheese

PISCES

Your local dairy owner knows your name, so why not learn theirs? There’s a budding friendship to be found in your late-night snack runs. This week’s depression meal: Eggs. Just all the eggs. Scrambled, poached, fried, you name it.

SCORPIO

If you steal your flatmates food this week, they won’t notice, I promise. Next week, however, is a different story. This week’s depression meal: Doritos.

VIRGO

Stop watching cooking videos on YouTube and actually make something yourself. Yes, this is a call-out. This week’s depression meal: 2-minute noodles

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SNIP, SNOP, SNAP SEND US YOUR SNAPS TO GET FEATURED IN NEXT WEEK’S EDITION @MASSIVE_MAG

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Exec Columns

MAWSA: TESSA GUEST

ASA: MICHAELA FUTTER

Um, don’t know about you, but I thought Re-O Week was INCREDIBLE last week here at MAWSA (and on the other Massey campuses, too!) HUGE thanks to our staff for pulling off such fab events, and absolutely NO thanks to Massive for all their mean comments on our lineups. Not everyone needs to burn a couch at every opportunity @ massiveeditor! Anyways, hope you’re all settling back into the uni life well! If things are tough, remember: we’ve made it halfway through winter, and we’re getting a few more minutes of sunlight everyday! The future is BRIGHT, friends! Kia kaha – TG

Welcome to Semester 2 2021! If you’re new here, the horoscopes, and the sexcapades are the only worthwhile columns to read in this magazine. If you’re returning, you wouldn’t be reading this boring waffle. Y’all are in for a treat this semester, we have a comedy night Thursday 22nd 7 PM at Fergs. Come laugh your ass off while having some cheeky bevvy’s. We are also hosting our second period panel discussion with guest speakers Danika Revell from The Period Place and Deborah Bush from Endometriosis NZ. So, come get involved, and stop complaining that we don’t put on events :) <3”

MUSA: FATIMA IMRAN

M@D: JAX WATT

Konnichiwa everyone! I hope you have had an enjoyable first week back at uni, especially with Re-O-Week. It was an absolute pleasure providing students with breakfasts, movie nights, pool party, social night and amazing concerts. Hope second week back is just as enjoyable and everyone is staying warm with these polar blasts hitting us. Remember to take breaks but also remember that the holidays are over and hard work begins. Finally, congratulations to all the pre-vets who were selected into vet but also those who didn’t as I know it’s not an easy ride. Regardless of the outcome, you should all be proud of your efforts.

It’s Week 2! We know many are likely feeling overwhelmed with all those course readings and assignment due dates being listed and covered in Week 1 classes. Our advice is don’t look at the big picture. Break the semester up - what do you have to manage in the first half of the semester? Still too much? What about just this week? Also, look at breaking up your day so it’s more manageable. For example, pick one paper to focus on per day, i.e., do readings in the morning and lectures in the afternoons. If you’re taking 4 papers full-time that leaves 3 days spare. Use one for assignments, one for catch up and one as a day off!

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