Massive Magazine Issue 15 2021 by Massive Magazine

ISSUE 15

JULY 26/2021

Table of Contents 06 10 14 16 20 22 26 31 32 33 34 35 37 38

News The Horrors of Hospo Thigh Gaps NZ Conspiracy Theories Centrefold Shroomin’ Around Piss, Puke & Pelicans Culinarylingus Sexcapades We’re Going on a Man Hunt Snaps Exec Columns Horoscopes Puzzles

22 14

EDITOR Caroline Moratti

PHOTOGRAPHERS Callum Parsons

SUB EDITOR Jamie Mactaggart

ILLUSTRATOR Tallulah Farrar

NEWS EDITOR James Pocock STAFF WRITERS Cameron Taylor, Elena McIntyreReet, Ari Prakash, Mason Tangatatai, Courtney Hammond DESIGNER Micah Davis-Rae

Got a letter to the Editor? Email editor@massivemagazine.org.nz to rant, flirt, complain, whatever x

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The views, beliefs and opinions reflected in the pages of Massive

do not necessarily represent those of Massey University, its staff, ASA, MUSA, MAWSA, M@D or the Massive Editor. MAWSA is an independent organisation that publishes Massive. Send any queries or complaints directly to Massive at editor@ massivemagazine.org.nz. Massive is subject to the New Zealand Press Council. If a complainant is not satisfied with the response, the complaint may be referred to the Press Council: info@presscouncil.org.nz or online via presscouncil.org.nz.

Editorial

FERGUS THE RAM IS A SEX-GOD

Did you know Massey has a mascot? Yeah, that’s right. A whole-ass mascot. Meet Fergus the Ram. Powerful, muscular with piercing blood-red eyes, Fergus has awakened a world of sexual lust for me. For so long, I’ve been alone. Until now. That shaggy little bastard has walked right into my life and stolen my heart (and underwear). Firstly, let’s talk about the obvious: those horns. My God! I know they say size isn’t everything, but Fergus has a sizable pair of weighty ears on him. Enough to feverously plow through my field. And you know what they say about horns; they’re pretty fucking horny. As a ram, Fergus is also obviously an Aries. Aries are passionate, motivated leaders. Perfect for a mascot, or a boyfriend. I need someone to get me out of bed in the morning, to carpe diem. I like to imagine he’d be into tandem bicycling and homemade croissants. He’d be the perfect beer pong partner and enjoy gossiping about the latest season of Love Island with me (it’s a bit shit, let’s be honest). Also, the name! Fergus! Can’t you just imagine moaning it in bed? Every year, Fergus leads the procession of new graduates in Palmerston North. So hot. Imagine pointing him out to other students, smugly saying “Oh, you see the leader of the procession? Yeah, I’m dating him.” Everyone wants him, but he picked me. Yeah, the alpha sheep. The hot one, with the horns. As for other university mascots, they’re either buried in record archives, or are just objectively lame. A kiwi for the University of Auckland? What a snooze fest. Lincoln University ALSO has a ram mascot, but it lacks the raw sexual energy of Fergus. It’s just too cuddly and soft. The kind of hook up to say “sorry” when they cum inside you. Also, it’s called Rambo, which is just a frankly ridiculous name for a ram. Like calling your son William Williamson. Shocking, really. Fergus the Ram is much more personality driven, less ram-orientated. In all honesty, it’s a crime that almost no one knows Fergus exists. He’s been hidden away from the limelight for so long, and it’s time for a ram-renaissance. A ramaissance. He’s your mascot, Massey students, and you should honour this hot, young piece of ass. Bow down before him (he likes you on your knees, trust me). X Caroline

LETTERS TO THE EDITOR EMAIL EDITOR@MASSIVEMAGAZINE.ORG.NZ TO HAVE YOUR SAY

Dear Editor, Why did your latest cover kinda...make me want to be chained like a dog and drink beer out of a bowl on the floor? Need some answers. Asking for a friend

PSA Tussock is now open until 4:30!!! Finally can get a bevvy at a more acceptable time. Caroline - would you maybe wanna meet me at Tussock for a drink or two? Love, your secret admirer

To the boy in the red hoodie in the lounge: the blonde girl that sat next to you thinks you’re really hot.

For the last couple of weeks around campus, I’ve seen the same seagull following me. I know it’s him, the little bastard, because he has a very specific, kind of beady look in his eyes. Sometimes he just watches me walk past, or sometimes he squawks at me in a very seagull-like manner. None of my other mates notice him, so I think it’s just me and this seagull that have a very specific connection. Yesterday, I sat on a bench and fed him bits of a tuna sandwich (they’re delicious, okay) and we had a real bonding moment. I decided to name him Stan, and it was all-in-all, a very enjoyable afternoon. However, today, when I returned to the spot, Stan was nowhere to be found. Has anyone seen a seagull that looks a bit like a bastard but has a small, loving twinkle in his eye? I strangely miss Stan, and would just like to know he’s doing okay.

MASSIVE NEWS

Massey’s student associations move towards merge vote at quick pace What? A historical decision? In about three weeks? JAMES POCOCK AND CAROLINE MORATTI

NATIONAL NEWS

Massey University Students’ Associations Federation (MUSAF) have decided on a short three-week timeline for open consultation on a new governance structure which would see the merge of M@D, MAWSA, ASA and MUSA. The open consultation is planned to run from weeks four to six of Semester 2. Co-design has already started with Māori associations. At the end of this week, a hui in Manawatū is expected to take place with core decision makers, notably general presidents and exec members, Māori tumuaki, and Pasifika presidents. Although some students have criticised the speed of the consultation, the timeframe has been created in order for the final vote to be undertaken before the 2021 election

process, to avoid a messy hand-over between old and new executives. MAWSA President Tessa Guest says MUSAF is still consolidating how the decision-making process will look overall. “We want to do the best by all of our tauira, which is an incredibly complex task when we have four very different cohorts,” she says. Over open consultation, there will be two proposals of the merge presented to students. Students will then have their chance to give feedback and preferences. This feedback will then be taken into consideration when forming the final, single proposal of the merge. At a formal vote, students can choose to either accept this proposal or stick with the status quo. A formal vote will be done over four separate SGMs for each association about halfway through the semester. The real question is what will happen if, let’s say, the vote fails at MUSA but passes at the other three SGMs? Will the merge still go ahead, leaving an association behind? Or will the failure of one association to pass the proposal mean that all associations decide not to merge? Tessa says, “While feedback and consultation are essential to this process and will shape what we create, we won’t go ahead until we have NEWS

an official mandate. In terms of aligning our governance structures, we are seeking mandate from each cohort. So, if one cohort doesn’t give us mandate, it’s possible that we won’t go ahead.” Deputy Vice-Chancellor Students and Global Engagement Tere McGonagle-Daly says he believes the students’ associations are all taking a very considered approach to how best to service the general student body based on the conversations he has been involved with. “It’s also been great to see the general associations more proactively work with the Māori and Pacific associations,” he says.

Distance advocacy struggles after recent resignations Hmmm, this sounds like an important thing that Massey should probably lend a hand with JAMES POCOCK

DISTANCE NEWS

The distance co-presidents had sent a test email to the temporary service and never got a reply apart from an automated response which said, “We’re really busy.” “Given everything that’s happened, it has proven the need to streamline advocacy between all the associations,” Jacalyn said. Jacalyn says one set of procedures and a single point of contact for all students would ensure when staff go on leave or resign other advocates could handle the change in workload between them without impacting the students. “Having consistency in services and decreasing confusion as to who students need to contact for support, will only benefit students. This is something I’m heavily advocating for with the single SLA operational merger,” she said. Long term, the co-presidents want distance advocacy services to be run by M@D. In the meantime, they have spoken with Massey about the aid they could provide. A Massey spokesperson said Massey supported MUSA and MAWSA with distance advocacy when requested. “The University is also assisting with the recruitment process for the distance advocate role which is due to be taking place this week,” Massey’s spokesperson said.

M@D still missing a Māori representative JAMES POCOCK

DISTANCE NEWS

Massey at Distance (M@D) could be missing a Māori representative on its board for another few months, at least, until the next election. Since the resignation of the previous Māori representative earlier this year, the position has been vacant. M@D CoPresident Jacalyn Clare says having a Māori representative is part of M@D’s constitution. “Even if it wasn’t, we would still want to have a designated Māori representative on our board as distance students make up the largest percentage of Māori students within the University,” she said. Recent bottlenecks in advocacy for distance students may lead to a revamp of how the service is handled in the future. Massey @ Distance Co-Presidents Jax Watt and Jacalyn Clare are not happy with how distance advocacy has been handled following the resignation of both MUSA’s distance student advocates a month ago. Distance advocacy was contracted out to MUSA, but MUSA has been unable to take care of it during an organisational transition. The two MUSA Distance advocates recently resigned this past month, one citing that the values of MUSA no longer aligned with their own. In the meantime, a single staff member at MAWSA has been taking on all distance advocacy cases, creating a bottleneck. This staff member currently also handles all of Wellington’s internal advocacy cases.

However, she says with M@D elections only a few months away, it may not be worth opting in a candidate. “We have to consider if there is a point in opting in someone to be on the board for just a few months before they have to run for elections to retain their seat. It’s for this reason we are considering other options such as getting input from our Massey Māori associations and Māori distance students.” The search to fill vacant positions a couple of months ago failed to find a suitable candidate for the position, despite several others being inducted into other roles only a few months before elections. While there is currently no Māori representative on M@D’s board, Co-President Jax Watt has Ngāpuhi whakapapa. “I cannot burn the candle at both ends and hold a [dual role] as co-pres and a distance student rep for tangata whenua NEWS

at Massey,” Jax said. With distance students making up the largest percentage of Māori students within Massey, the need for proper representation remains a pressing issue, both within M@D and the distance community in general. Currently, there is no Māori association for distance students. Te Waka o ngā Akonga Māori is the Māori association for Albany, Kōkiri Ngātahi for Wellington students and Manawatahi for those on the Manawatū campus.

Massey dominates Olympic selection Ngl, this is kind of cool CAROLINE MORATTI

NATIONAL NEWS

Increase of cheating at Massey from 2019 to 2020 Honestly, good for them CAROLINE MORATTI

NATIONAL NEWS

Out of the 138 confirmed athletes in the New Zealand Olympics team heading to Tokyo, 84 of them have a Massey “connection”, according to the University’s website. We’re assuming that means they actually went to Massey, and that’s not just the Uni claiming responsibility for any random person that’s ever dared to walk past a Massey sign. That would be weird.

There’s been a 10% increase in breaches of academic integrity from 2019 to 2020. In 2019 149 students had an allegation of breaching academic integrity. In 2020 this figure rose to 164 students, or 0.53% of the Massey student population. Is it because of Zoom? Online exams? Those are the kind of questions that a serious journalistic paper would ask. Thank God we’re not like that. According to Massey, a breach of academic integrity “comprises all forms of scholastic honesty, and examples of breaches include but are not limited to plagiarism, cheating, and the use of copied or falsified data”. There are three levels of breaches (predictably, 1, 2, and 3. Can you get anymore boring?) and it’s worth noting that only Level 2 and 3 breaches are recorded in the stats. For the Level 1 breaches, those are dealt with “informally”, so I guess we’ll never know how many of those there are.

Turns out Massey is an absolute magnet for our country’s fittest, fastest, strongest and jumpiest (?) citizens. Both Hamish Bond and Sarah Hirini, the two flag bearers for New Zealand, hold Massey qualifications. Hamish Bond, two-time gold medallist in men’s rowing, graduated with a Bachelor of Business in 2012. Sarah Hirini, silver medallist in rugby sevens and captain of the New Zealand women’s team completed her Bachelor of Arts majoring in Māori Studies in 2017. Why, you may be wondering is Massey such an attractive place for our Olympians to study? Hamish Kerr, representing New Zealand in high jump, said in a press release: “[Massey’s] distance programme is perfect for athletes who are on the road, and without Massey there is no way I would have been able to gain a qualification while competing.” Anyway, that’s enough sucking up to Massey from us, but an absolute congratulations to these powerhouses, and best of luck for competing. We hope they enjoy sleeping on the anti-sex cardboard beds. Please tell us all about it.

Oh, and since 2017, five students have been suspended or excluded since 2017. Stats, everyone! How fun! Who knew, huh? NEWS

Petition to introduce rent control Please..... :’) JAMIE MACTAGGART

NATIONAL NEWS

Massey drops down in world rankings Who could have seen this coming??? Lol CAROLINE MORATTI

The Green Party is demanding the Government introduce a more accessible way for tenants to complain or seek help regarding issues with their landlord or property. They’ve launched a petition calling for a warrant of fitness on rental properties to ensure that the basic standards outlined in the Healthy Homes Standards are maintained. Currently, the best (legal) action you can take against a shitty landlord is taking them to the Tenancy Tribunal. Not only is this costly and takes time, but it’s also just a big fuck off job. Yes, I want my roof to stop leaking, but I want to do the bare minimum to get it fixed. A warrant of fitness on rental properties would, in theory, take away the stress and disappointment of living in filth while you’re already depressed as fuck. Guys, I know we’ve been conditioned otherwise, but it’s actually not normal to grow mould in your flat and develop chronic coughing. In 2019, the Government introduced the Healthy Homes Standards, which set minimum standards for things such as heating, ventilation and insulation. These standards require landlords to ensure homes are up to par within 90 days of a new lease agreement. While these standards are important, they can be difficult to enforce, says Chloë Swarbrick. Chloë is also concerned with the power imbalance between landlord and tenant, making it that extra bit harder to stand up for your rights – especially in your first rental. As students, most of us are either flatting for the first time or just too scared to actually stand up to our landlords.

NATIONAL NEWS

Massey has dropped 12 places in the world’s ranking of universities, dropping from 272 to 284, according to the QS World University Rankings 2022. Some other NZ unis also have slipped, fear not, but it’s not a good sign for our little fledging uni. The drop in ratings is likely connected to the worsening faculty/student ratio, which accounts for 20 per cent of the QS score. Ben Sowter, QS Director of Research, told Newshub that New Zealand was not alone in experiencing systemic teaching provision challenges, saying “Across the QS World University Rankings, we are seeing higher education systems struggle to increase teaching capacity at rates commensurate with rising student demand and the desire to attract international students.” The University of Auckland is currently rated the highest of New Zealand unis, at 85, with Otago following at 194, Vic at 236, and Canterbury at 258. Massey comes in a plump fifth place, followed by Lincoln, Waikato and AUT. Meanwhile, on other rating systems, we could only DREAM of being ranked 284. The Center for World University Rankings (CWUR) ranks Massey at 667, whilst University of Auckland is at 262, for comparison. Yeah...anyway, at least we have a fun app that no one uses! If anyone wants me, I’ll be sitting here googling the University of Auckland application process.

In the meantime, encourage your mates to read up on tenants’ rights and accept nothing less than what you deserve, besties! Check out your tenancy rights at tenancy. govt.nz.

NEWS

Words by Elena McIntyreReet

IT’S PRETTY ESSENTIAL for students to get a part-time job to, you know, survive while they’re completing their studies. Finding a job in hospitality is a relatively easy route to go down; the hours are long and the pay is less than ideal but hospo jobs tend to work pretty easily around uni schedules and you don’t need a degree to get one. Getting the job is the straight forward part, but navigating management issues, dealing with short breaks and general mistreatment by employers is all too common in this industry. Massive spoke to some students who are working in hospo to get all the dirt. Louisa, a fourth year Massey student, has been working at a New Zealand cafe franchise for the past two years, and in her time she’s witnessed a number of unacceptable work practices take place there. The crew at her work were consistently understaffed and made to work long periods of time with no breaks. As well as this, they were made financially responsible for every aspect of their work. “If we lost our name badge, we were told $15 would come out of our pay to cover

replacement costs, we found out later when discussing adding pronouns to our badges, that they only cost the company $1.50 to order,” Louisa recalls. As well as this, staff were told that they would be forced to pay a $300 ‘training fee’ if they left the company before six months, in exchange for the priceless knowledge they learnt there. One of Louisa’s co-workers handed in her resignation exactly one day after the six month period had elapsed, just as a big fuck you to that rule. The fact that people only stay in employment at this place because they run the risk of financial hardship if they leave is pretty fucking disturbing. “They also tried to charge me a locksmith fee for a key that I apparently lost after my shift, which I’m sure I handed in,” Alice says. Listen, I’m not telling anyone how to run their business but maybe don’t rest the security of your store in the hands of a singular key? It literally costs $7 to get a key cut at Bunning’s. Many students working in hospitality are often left feeling extremely guilty for having to take a sick day, or a mental health day brought on by the FEATURES

FEATURES

“They handed me all the paper work like my contract and KiwiSaver and told me not to bother with the union form because there wasn’t much point.” never ending hell that is being abused for putting too much foam on someone’s latté. Louisa recalls one staff member being told she had to come in when she was sick, because the cafe was already short staffed. “My co-worker was literally coughing up blood and was told to come in to work because they couldn’t find cover for her,” she says. Employees at her work were told that if they were to call in sick - even with ample notice - it was up to them to organise cover or come in and work themselves until someone could replace them. One student, Milly, told Massive that she was yelled at over the phone after calling in sick for a weekend shift. “The owner of the cafe I was working at swore at me over the phone and told me that by taking the day off I had left everyone in the shit. When I tried to talk to her about the way she spoke to me, she told me that never happened. Because it was a small chain with no HR department, there was nothing I could do about it,” Milly says. For many students, the job they get during their study will be their first official place of employment that isn’t a paper round or babysitting. As a result of this, they don’t want to question what their employer says, because they are under the assumption that they will just do the right thing. Leteicha recalls a conversation about the union when she was employed at a popular fast food chain. “They handed me all the paper work like my contract and KiwiSaver and told me not to bother with the union form because there wasn’t much point,” she says. The Government’s employment website states that employers can’t express their feeling for or against a union when the employee is offered union information. Louisa agrees that there isn’t a lot of clarity for students when they’re employed about what is appropriate or not. “This was my first job, I had no idea what employers can and can’t say or do to you, so I just assumed they were right,” she says. Working environments in hospo jobs are notoriously shit, with no breaks and hazardous jobs, they are not the ‘unskilled’ jobs people make them out to be. Elise worked at a Wellington bar in her first year of uni and notes how awful it was. “We were so understaffed, I had to work from 4pm to 4am with no breaks, we couldn’t take breaks unless you were a smoker,” she says. The whole time she was putting up with these working conditions she was kept on minimum wage. “I worked there for two years and essentially managed the bar, was in charge of functions and my pay didn’t go up the whole time. A guy once stood on FEATURES

the bar and just pissed all over it. I had so much experience cleaning up peoples vomit from the bar or in their drink cups,” she says. Elise was often rostered until 4am and would then go off to a 9am lecture that same morning. Milly remembers that the pay at her old fast food job was completely unfair. “There were managers who did nothing but sit on the back computer who were earning $23 an hour while the rest of us ran off our feet and cleaned hours’ worth of grease off of heavy duty grills for minimum wage.” Pay rates between employees often made no sense as well. “We were talking during a close one night and realised that a guy who had been there less than a year, was earning a dollar more than me and I’d been there for nearly two years,” Milly says. Working in hospitality is appealing to students because they can make money to cover their rent without cutting into the time they need to be at uni. It seems like the people in charge are aware of how many students need jobs that they can have while studying and take advantage. Louisa thinks that employers in the hospitality industry make an assumption about students during the hiring process. “I think employers always assume the worst of students, that they’re unreliable, so they treat us harshly,” she says. When your employer already thinks you’re the worst, there’s not much point trying to overachieve. Minimum wage, minimum effort right? “Most of my friends want to stay in their hospitality jobs long term, but when you know you’re going to be treated badly by your boss you might as well take liberties where you can,” Louisa adds. It seems that employers care more about their profit margin than the wellbeing of their staff. When people make complaints about superiors, or even co-workers, it’s not taken seriously because if that person is making them money then there’s no reason to punish them. Leteicha left her job as a result of nothing being done when she and her co-workers complained about a manager at her store. They didn’t do anything about this manager who had some pretty serious allegations against him, instead they let him keep his position. It seems like when you’re a student the job industry is literally working against you.

“We were so understaffed, I had to work from 4pm to 4am with no breaks, we couldn’t take breaks unless you were a smoker.”

Unless rent prices miraculously go down, or Massey starts handing out free money along with the Red Bulls, it looks like students are always going to play a huge role in the hospitality industry. I guess we just have to tough it out until we get our big boy jobs, but there’s probably assholes there too. Best advice is to join a union, read up on your workers’ rights and become a smoker for those sweet extra breaks.

FEATURES

“WE COULD NEVER LOOK LIKE THE GIRLS FROM TUMBLR” How the Body Phenomenon Sparked a Generation of Eating Disorders

Words by Cameron Taylor Illustration by Tallulah Farrar

TW: Eating disorders and body image issues are discussed heavily throughout this text. Please proceed with caution. IF YOU WERE an internet user between the years of 2012-2014, you’ll remember the thigh gap phenomenon. According to the ‘thigh gap’ Wikipedia page, December of 2012 saw the thigh gap receive worldwide news coverage after the Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show, in which numerous models had distinct gaps between their thighs. From there, it became a fucking shit storm globally. Recently, the popular picture-sharing company of Pinterest banned all weight loss ads from their platform, with active guidance from the National Eating Disorders Association in the US to update their policies. However, this has definitely not always been the case. Before Pinterest dominated the social media realm, there was Tumblr. Tumblr, another social media networking site, was hugely popular in the early 2000s. With hardly any restrictions on the content users were exposed to, the amount of graphic and highly

damaging subject matter displayed was enormous, especially around body image. Gabby was one of the many who suffered through the thigh gap phenomenon, starting on Tumblr. She reported coming across the ‘thinspo’ and ‘thigh gap’ hashtags on Tumblr when starting high school, as well as the ‘ana’ (short for anorexia) and ‘mia’ (short for bulimia) tags. In the ‘ana’ and ‘mia’ pages, Gabby talks about how everyone involved would “share tips on how to hide eating disorders from your family and friends”, eventually turning Gabby to her bulimia as it was “easier to hide”. The amount of people reblogging these harmful tips convinced Gabby that this behaviour was normal. Carrie was another girl targeted by the phenomenon. She was signed up to the popular Tumblr pages such as ‘ProAna’ and ‘AnaSays’, romanticising eating disorders and idolising anorexia. She recalls watching videos that showed how to give liposuction with scissors and straws, which she even began to FEATURES

“Last year, I was looking into weight loss surgery as I felt I wouldn’t be skinny any other way, but I decided to try and lose weight myself one last time. I did Optifast for a month. Finally, I got to the end of the month and had my first solid food as a ‘treat’ and it started the worst binge of my life. I binged for two weeks straight and I was so stuffed, I would be throwing up full food items.” attempt herself, as well as taping the top of her thighs to appear smaller. “15-year-old me was OBSESSED with the idea of thigh gaps and overall being skinny.” Taping the top of your thighs was extremely common to try and pursue the thigh gap beauty standard, with yet another girl by the name of Kelly sharing how she wrapped rigid strapping tape around her thighs to the point where it would “cause pins and needles, cos it would cut the circulation off in my legs”. Thigh gaps are almost impossible for most women to achieve. The majority of female bodies simply aren’t built that way, with clinical psychologist Dr Barbara Greenberg describing the craze on The Journal.ie website in 2013 as a “pipe dream”. “It is a matter of bone structure [which] the majority of women do not have.” But when the masses worship something so much, you begin to feel extremely alienated when you don’t fit into that standard. You compare yourself and your body to the bodies that are idolised worldwide, agonising over how you don’t look like them. Rosa’s story of her first comparison of herself to those with thigh gaps begins in intermediate. On the playground, as a 12-year-old girl, she remembers “the girls who had thigh gaps were showing off that they had them, and the girls who didn’t have one were talking about how much they wanted them”. As soon as she got home, she

searched up ‘how to get a thigh gap in 10 days’ on YouTube. This sadly doesn’t come as a surprise, with Google Trends showing that the region of New Zealand has the most searches of the term ‘thigh gap’ in the world. Throughout high school, Gabby was also surrounded by a toxic environment of comparison, finding a group of friends who also followed the same hashtags and Tumblr blogs as her. “We would do thigh gap workouts together and ‘support’ each other’s eating disorders. We all got to a point where we could no longer pinch the fat on our bodies, but we were still unhappy because a thigh gap is unobtainable for most… No matter how small we got, we never looked like the girls on Tumblr. We would never be happy with ourselves.” The impacts from this brainwashing trend sparked incredibly damaging effects both mentally and physically, with these ideals still heavily ingrained in the minds of many today. Gabby was exposed to daily ‘inspiration’ on how not to eat meals which included smoking as nicotine is an appetite suppressant. “Unfortunately, I’m still suffering from eating disorders and a nicotine addiction at 20 years of age.” Rosa also notes how the thigh gap phenomenon “still haunts me to this day”, as it was the time period in which her insecurities “got more serious”.

FEATURES

Kelly was also heavily influenced by this obsession to have a thigh gap and be skinny, sparking her long battle with extreme binging and restricting. “Last year, I was looking into weight loss surgery as I felt I wouldn’t be skinny any other way, but I decided to try and lose weight myself one last time. I did Optifast for a month. Finally, I got to the end of the month and had my first solid food as a ‘treat’ and it started the worst binge of my life. I binged for two weeks straight and I was so stuffed, I would be throwing up full food items.” When asking my interviewees how they worked through their trauma as a result of the thigh gap phenomenon, I was met with some wonderful responses of recovery. The message of ‘reaching out’ when you need help is extremely important when it comes to topics like these, with Carrie taking the advice into her own hands throughout her own struggles, saying “I had a family friend who has a sporty, similar build to me. She was so confident in her skin, which stopped me taping my legs. I later told her I was really trapped in this situation and she helped me any time I needed it, sometimes helping me dress.” It can take an incredible amount of courage to ask for help, but Carrie’s story shows that while it can be scary, reaching out and letting your loved ones know what is going on can make a world of difference. Kelly’s recovery story is also full of hope, shown on her journey to reclaiming and loving her body. Upon starting her Tik Tok, Kelly found a safe haven online. She discovered people who were on their own self-love journey, avoiding diet culture and negative stigmas. This sparked her personal experience with self-love that grew into something beautiful. “I truly fell in love with myself. I started buying clothes in my size that I actually liked, and I started doing whatever the fuck I wanted and didn’t feel bad about it or worry what other people thought.” Kelly still faces her own moments of struggle from time to time, but she claims to be so much happier “being fat and loving myself”, instead of being “skinny and starving myself”.

and having a huge ass is heavily glorified on the internet. Instead of focusing on loving our bodies the way they are in this moment, we have turned body types into ‘passing trends’ like a fashion cycle, constantly changing to fit the new societal ideal of what is beautiful. Your body type might’ve been in trend back then, it might be now, or it might have never been. But we shouldn’t have to wait around for our bodies to be ‘trendy’ to feel at home in our own skin. We shouldn’t have to mold ourselves to fit whatever beauty standard is popular right now. The rise of body positivity on the internet has taken enormous steps in the right direction, but there’s still a long way to go. In order to avoid another disaster like the thigh gap craze, representation of all bodies and unlearning of negative weight stigma is needed NOW. If you are wanting to contribute towards this brighter future, a few little things I recommend you start doing are following people of ALL shapes and sizes on your social media platforms, redirecting conversations around weight in your personal life to being more about feelings and less about looks, and reading up on topics such as the fat acceptance movement and anti-diet culture. Despite the rise of things like body positivity and anti-diet culture, the issue of eating disorders, mental health difficulties, and other issues as a result of the thigh gap craze is just as relevant as it was back then. If you or someone you know is struggling with these issues, please don’t hesitate to reach out for help, whether it’s using the phone numbers listed or approaching a professional in your vicinity. We all deserve to feel beautiful and at home in our own skin. Reaching out for help is a vital step towards feeling that way. Eating Disorders Association of New Zealand (EDANZ): 0800 2 EDANZ / 0800 2 33269 Lifeline – 0800 543 354 (0800 LIFELINE) or free text 4357 (HELP). Mental Health Foundation - Free call or text 1737 any time for support from a trained counsellor

Beauty standards change so rapidly within our society. Back then, it was thigh gaps that were all the rage. Nowadays, the idea of being ‘thicc’ FEATURES

ARE JACINDA AND DAVID SEYMOUR SECRETLY DATING? WHAT’S UP WITH THE MOOSE IN FIORDLAND? NZ’S BEST (AND WORST) CONSPIRACY THEORIES.

WORDS BY JAMIE MACTAGGART

THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA, World Capital of Fucked, is infested with so many conspiracy theories it can be hard to keep up. QAnon, an anonymous online profile, created this whole story that the United States Democrats are cannibalistic and satanic pedophiles running a child sex ring from the back of a pizza shop (amongst other things). QAnon gained so much traction in 2020 that it has become almost mainstream in the Republican Party. A shared alternative truth that makes them feel better about old mate Donald getting voted out of office. Beautiful. New Zealand has an underbelly of wild conspiracy theories too, from the All Blacks being poisoned in the 1995 Rugby World Cup to the elusive Fiordland moose. The power behind conspiracy theories is the fact that they can, actually, turn out to be true, such as the CIA’s Project MKUltra (Google it). While we don’t believe over here that the Green Party is running a sex ring or anything like that, we do have a tendency to buy into misinformation, propaganda, or just good old gossip. So, let’s explore a few of New Zealand’s conspiracy theories. I’ll leave it up to you to decide your own truth. Nothing is real anyway, right?

ALL BLACKS INTENTIONALLY POISONED AT THE 1995 WORLD CUP The date is Thursday 22 June, two days before the 1995 Rugby World Cup final between New Zealand and South Africa, when many of the team become debilitated from sudden onset of diarrhoea and vomiting, presumably from food poisoning. They were mostly recovered by the day of the final but lost 15-12 to South Africa. The All Blacks’ illness wasn’t revealed until after the final, but it immediately became controversial, with theories coming out that the boys were deliberately poisoned by betting syndicates to ensure South Africa’s win. All sorts of theories started to come out, some even managing to connect Nelson Mandela to the mind behind it. In 2018, one of the security details for the All Blacks, Rory Steyn, went on a South African sports talk show where he claimed the illness was the result of intentional poisoning by the betting syndicates. With the odds in New Zealand’s favour, ensuring South Africa’s win would have been a gold mine. The story goes that a waitress by the name of Suzie was lingering around the hotel during the All Blacks’ stay but, coincidentally, wasn’t seen at the hotel after the ‘poisoning’. Waiting on the team’s private dining arrangements, Suzie allegedly infiltrated them via the water supply and then mysteriously disappeared. Laurie Mains, All Blacks coach during the World Cup, went as far as hiring a private investigator to determine if there was anything sinister behind the bug. Little evidence as ever been found to back up Steyn’s claims or Mains’ suspicions, but Suzie has never been seen again … must be living it up it a boujee villa on an island with all the money she made from poisoning the All Blacks! Good for her, they have enough money. This theory is pretty widely believed in New Zealand, CULTURE

and I’ve got to admit, it’s not the most far-fetched one we’ll hear today. A 2021 survey by NewstalkZB (lol) revealed that 32% of those surveyed believed the All Blacks were deliberately poisoned, with 46% unsure. For all I know, Suzie’s water supply could have been the reason the ABs lost. However, in New Zealand we tend to put the All Blacks on a pedestal, believing that they are the best in the world (they are). So, when they lose, especially when Jonah Lomu has been having one of the best performances in history, it’s easier us to believe that some other force was responsible rather than accepting that South Africa maybe deserved the win.

DAVID SEYMOUR AND JACINDA ARDERN ARE HAVING A SECRET LOVE AFFAIR

THE GOVERNMENT IS USING FLUORIDE TO CONTROL OUR MINDS

When Clarke is away on those long, long fishing trips, Jacinda can feel lonely. And who better to comfort her than the King of Snapchat himself? David is a man who dances, bakes and can build cars from scratch. It’s only natural that Jacinda would soon find herself chacha-sliding into his DMs.

What is it with people drugging the water supply? Water fluoridation controversy has been around for some 80 years, even being linked to a communist revolution during the Cold War. Some guy called Ian wrote a book in Australia in the late 80s/early 90s where he claimed repeated doses of tiny amounts of fluoride will reduce your power to resist domination by slowly poisoning that part of your brain, in turn making you submissive. If you want a root just ask, lol. New Zealand was the second country in the world to fluoridate water, beginning with ‘the Hastings Experiment’ in 1953. If the Government was going to experiment on citizens, of course they’d pick Hastings. The Hastings Experiment was a 10-year plan created by the Department of Health in what they considered the only counter to “the inability of our people” to practice “dental health”. Umm.... rude. According to the Government, all they’re doing is adding just a little bit more fluoride to get its presence at the scientifically optimal levels to prevent tooth decay. We already have fluoride in the water, it just needs a wee kick. During the Hastings Experiment, the Government’s ethics were called into question – not due to the mind control, more so the fact that they were putting a chemical in the water without the consent or desire of the public. Somewhere along the way, the theory that the Government was using fluoride as a mind controlling weapon against its citizens was born, and just under 10% of New Zealanders surveyed believe that to be the case today. Honestly guys, Google ‘fluoride mind control’ and take a really deep dive. There’s a rumour online saying that fluoride is what the Nazis used to control people in Germany. It’s pretty fucking scary. So, I guess the question is, can fluoride be used as a vehicle of mind control? I mean, I DO pay taxes, but I break the law every weekend taking molly so hard to tell if their plan worked or not. As much as I would love to have some naturally occurring mind control substance to exist so that I could finally get boys to talk to me, I just don’t think it’s fluoride in the water. Sorry babes. Wait... maybe the Government’s mind control works so well that I’ve been made to write an article persuading you all that we’re not being mind controlled. Fucking hell, good luck getting out of this cycle.

I’m not even sure if this is a conspiracy theory or just plain fact. All you need to do is go down to Parliament during the week for Question Time to see the palpable sexual tension between those two as they argue about the Government’s newest policy. I’m a slut for a good enemy to lover trope. AND in December last year David said that she was a “superb front of house leader”. I mean... Keep it in your pants, Dave.

SNEAKY SEXY MOOSE HIDING IN FIORDLAND GUYS! This is literally the best one yet. I am so convinced this is true I would sacrifice my first born to the cause. So, in the early 1900s Prime Minister Sir Joseph Ward asked Canada if they could please give New Zealand some of their moose so he could realise his dream of making New Zealand the biggest and baddest game reserve (he wanted to hunt moose lol). Canada said yes, and we soon welcomed around 10 moose to the Fiordland bush. But then, just as quickly as they arrived, they disappeared. Obviously, the game reserve thing never really worked out for old mate Joe, and the elusive nature of the moose soon made them become something of an urban myth. The last verified sighting of Fiordland moose was some 40 years after their arrival, in the 1950s when ‘moose hunter’ Max Curtis captured an image clear as day. Since then, sightings have been unverifiable, mostly due to them being men in pubs boasting their own moose hunting tales. In 1995, Ken Tustin captured what appears to be a Fiordland moose on a timelapse camera he’d sent up in the region. Apparently, it wasn’t good enough to convince people it was legit. I saw the picture, looks legit to me. Don’t worry, Kenny, I believe you. Sadly, the only evidence we’ve got these days is tree branches and hoof prints, from as late as 2018. On the plus side, there are now more modern automatic cameras set up in the area so I’m crossing my fingers and keeping the faith alive! Like any good conspiracy theorist, I’m going to decide that Fiordland moose exist and that is my truth. Go on experts, try to convince me otherwise. You won’t. Go forth, young explorers and conspirers. Charge your devices and go down some rabbit hole you can never get out of. Live while you’re young! Buy a ticket to Fiordland and find some moose! Drink some fluoride! Slide into David Seymour’s DMs! As I said before, live your truth babes! CULTURE

MASSIVE

Shroomin’ Around Everything you need to know about mushroom hunting season.

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If you’re unsure about what you’re taking, don’t take it. Check out KnowYourStuffNZ for more info around magic mushrooms.

Illustrations by Tallulah Farrar

MAGIC MUSHROOMS are one of nature’s little surprises, a tasty treat found in the harrowing depths of winter. Unlike other psychedelics, like LSD, they’re free! I mean, sure, you could pay for them, but where’s the fun in that? Part of the joy of these little fungis is to get a bunch of mates together, chuck on some gumboots, and go scavenging in the middle of God knows where. Before we kick off, just remember that magic mushrooms are a Class A drug in New Zealand, with possession carrying a maximum penalty of six months imprisonment and/or a $1,000 fine. But, let’s face it, people are doing them, so the least we can do is talk about how to do them safely.

The Hunt: Mushrooms tend to spring up in winter around the first sign of frost, from May to September. Ideally, go on a clear morning after a few rainy days for maximum chances. Searching for these little gems will take a bit of time and effort; bringing mates will help speed up the grunt work. Facebook groups will often be able to advise you on specific haunts in your local area to trample, although, as a rule of thumb, you’re looking for nice, woody, mulchy areas. Think pine forests, or even urban wood-chipped areas.

Places to Avoid: • • •

Spots too close to the road. These tend to be contaminated with heavy metals and chemicals from traffic that can cause bad long-term effects. Mushrooms growing on wood. Sometimes these suckers have been known to cause ‘Woodlover’s Paralysis’ which can leave you paralysed for several hours. It’s rare, but still a thing. At the very least, be cautious. Places that are likely to use weed killer or pesticides. Pretty self-explanatory.

The Prey: Magic mushrooms are typically from the psilocybe species. That means you’re looking for a golden, wide cap with a white thick stem. Different species have slight variations around these basic features. For example, “liberty caps” have a distinct nipple on top of their caps, whilst “subs” or “gold tops” are more caramel to light brown on top. A key feature of all, however, is distinctive blue bruising of the white stem and cap. Blue bruising is a good sign, but make sure to watch out for copper-based sprays that can take on a blueish tone. Some councils and property owners use these pesticides, which is kind of fucked-up if you ask me, but that’s the world we live in. Obviously, don’t eat these guys. Once you find some shrooms, taking a picture and posting it to a Facebook group or a reddit page is always a good idea. And no, we’re not just talking about one blurry cap-shot that kind of looks like a testicle. Take multiple pictures of where you found the mushroom, and then the

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maybe give the place a tidy beforehand. Don’t waste a trip just staring at the dirty dishes. If you’re heading outside, bring a backpack of water and some layers, know where the bathrooms are. It’s all about being able to relax and truly, truly chill. The more you can plan, the smoother your trip will be. Fuck it, even bring along some nice postcards of art or a colouring-in book. It seems lame now, but shit like this can help pass time when the peak of the high is over.

cap, the gills and the stem. I cannot recommend this step enough. There’s always lots of friendly folk happy to help out and ID your findings. If you want greater surety alongside a photo ID, consider making a spore print. Basically, cut off the stem, as close to the cap as possible. Put the cap, top up, on a white piece of paper, with a glass on top. Leave overnight, and check the next day to see the colour of the spores that have dropped. If the spores are purple to brown-black, and the flesh has turned more bluish, then that’s a good indicator that you might have the goods. As ever, googling “poisonous mushrooms NZ” is always a worthwhile step. Just in case. Please don’t sue us over this shit article! We needed to fill pages!

Okay, you’ve got the right mushrooms. Now what? If you’re on medication, do some research as to whether it’s okay to even use shrooms. That being said, that doesn’t mean just go off them. KnowYourStuff discourages stopping medication use in order to do the deed, saying “Going off your meds can make the symptoms that made you go on the medication in the first place come back worse than ever.” I know it can suck missing out on mushies, but your mental/physical health is always more important, okay?

So…probably don’t go clubbing. Too many unforeseen variables. Too many spilled drinks and sticky floors. If you’re an introvert like me, just get some close friends around (and not any that you secretly hate) and have some good tunes going on aux. My personal recommendation is Albion Place, hehe. A trip sitter is always a good idea. They’ll stop you from doing any stupid shit, be able to get help if the trip goes askew, and might even drive you to Macca’s at the end if you ask nicely enough. Oh, don’t drink beforehand. You’re in for a long trip and alcohol is a depressant. Enough said. However, maybe get in a meal beforehand. Psychedelics and eating don’t really go hand-in-hand, so kicking it off with a stomach full of food can stop you from feeling utterly wiped out at the end of eight hours. And of course, if at any point in the trip you start to experience severe pain, vomiting or lose consciousness, go to A&E immediately. Showing them a picture of the shroom you found will also be very valuable. It all comes full circle, huh? Overall, enjoy your little trip. Who needs overseas travel when you have mushrooms? Stay safe, stay hydrated, stay golden. I hope you experience a huge revelation about your life and decide that what you really, really, want to do is write for Massive.

Next, prepare your shrooms. For most forms of consumption, you’ll probably want your shrooms to be in a powder form. This achieved through a low-fan oven setting, door slightly ajar, until cracker dry, then blended. This can then be steeped in hot water for tea, or sprinkled into sauces for edibles. Sure, you can eat them raw, but like…at least season it, okay? Salt and pepper, babes. I’m not going to get into dosages, since that’s a sheer amount of maths that I’m too stupid to comprehend or write about. Just do some research, I beg thee. Now, get the vibe right. If you’re shrooming in your flat, FEATURES

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Piss, Puke & Pelicans

24 hours inside a fl at initiation

CW: ALCOHOL ABUSE

IT’S BEEN OVER TWO YEARS since the day I was initiated into a Castle Street flat in Dunedin. I still think about it at least once a week. That’s not to say I’m traumatised, part of me is glad it happened. It helps me to appreciate the days that I don’t wake up covered in spew, half bald, cock and balls hanging out of a makeshift toga, sprawled across the bathroom floor while my mum sobs quietly in the next room. For those in the dark, initiations are a tradition that hit peak popularity in the 2000s, but are still very much a part of the grimy underbelly of student society today. In a 2018 article, Critic summed up the tradition: “You gather up whoever is moving into your shitty flat next year, force a few drinks down their throat, make them do some dumb shit, and everyone has a good old time.” Eloquent as that description may be, it doesn’t go all the way to describe just how horrific these occasions are for some. A few memorable stories include being dunked in a wheelie bin of vomit, racing naked down the street, and having someone piss on your face. Nasty shit. There were seven of us in total. “The initiates.” All of us wide-eyed and fresh-faced. Most of us had gone to high school together, a couple we’d met in the halls at the beginning of the year. We’d heard all the stories about what to expect. The mood during the days prior was one of nervous excitement. It was practically all we talked about, actually. Just constant speculation about what we might have to do. The mystery of it all was almost unbearable. One member of the group, Scott Green* wasn’t allowed to drink due to a head injury. The group initiating us had told us that he must smoke a bong any time one of us finished a vessel. Lucky for him, he was the biggest stoner of the

group. A quick disclaimer: I’m not telling this story not as a way to glorify the experience. You can make up your own mind about the ethical ambiguity of initiations. My own opinion is that it’s a good thing that universities are cracking down on them. What started as a fun bonding experience decades ago, has descended into some kind of “one-upping” culture, where each flat feels as though it’s their duty to outdo whatever pain was inflicted on them the year before. Either way, here goes the story of my initiation. The raw, uncut, uncensored, unfiltered whole of it.

THE DAY BEFORE: 11.30AM Speedy* receives a text message. It reads: “Alright lads, tomorrow’s the day. Bring a 6-pack of Diesels and a bottle of wine each, and a bottle of vodka, two packs of Marlboro Reds between you. Dress code is togas. Kickoff is 11am. Don’t be late.” The message was met mainly with nervous laughter from our camp. That was a shit tonne of alcohol, even to us, the absolutely legendary 100% certified booze lords that we were. We planned to pick up the goods later that afternoon. I think I had work or something, so decided I’d just pop into a liquor store on my way there the next morning. First mistake. THE DAY OF: 10.30AM “You ready to get fucked up?” were the first words I

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WORDS BY FLAVIO CRUZ ILLUSTRATION BY TALLULAH FARRAR

heard that morning. I groaned and opened my eyes to see Speedy*, a half-empty bottle of Speight’s in his left hand, and a bag full of alcohol in his right. He was dressed in a bedsheet toga, jandals and jocks. “You’re honestly drinking before this?” I asked him. “Yes I am. And you are too.” He said, reaching into his bag. He pulled out a loose Speight’s, opened it, and handed it to me. “Down the hatch mate.” 10.35AM: Vorteke. 10.36AM: Ah yes, the toga. There was no time for YouTube tutorials. I grabbed the same sheet I’d slept on that night, tied it around me, chucked on an odd pair of socks and jandals, and glanced in the mirror. I looked like I’d fallen into a washing basket. Perfect. Let’s get out of here. 10.44AM: We were out the door, and on our way to meet headfirst whatever shitstorm was coming our way. “Where’s your alcohol?” one of the boys asked me. Oh shit. The nearest liquor store was a 10-minute walk in the opposite direction. “I’ll catch you guys there.”

10.51AM: I was belting it. Leaving the mocking laughter of my socalled friends behind, clinging on to my crudely tied toga for dear life as it slipped further and further down my body. Is that a shit stain or a chocolate stain? Why didn’t I just grab a clean bedsheet? Jandals were a bad choice. 10.55AM: I made it. I burst through the door puffing and panting like a flipping muppet. The initiation hadn’t even started yet and I was already spent. After grabbing a bottle of red wine, I began scanning the store for a box of Diesels. They were nowhere to be seen. I asked the attendant, and she politely informed me that they had sold out. This was bad news. I had entered the damage control phase. I grabbed the first 6-pack I saw: Monteith’s Radlers. I hurriedly paid and ran out the door. 10.58AM:

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“I realised there was no way I was going to be able to hold up my toga while carrying the alcohol, so I untangled myself from the knotted mess and tied the sheet around my neck. Off I went. Hurtling down the street in broad daylight looking like Captain fucking Underpants.” I realised there was no way I was going to be able to hold up the toga while carrying the alcohol, so I untangled myself from the knotted mess and tied the sheet around my neck. Off I went. Hurtling down the street in broad daylight looking like Captain fucking Underpants.

was instructed to keep it on. One by one, the group stepped up. It was clear from the noise, that I had been extremely lucky. I would later find out the mystery bongs had ranged from a raw egg smoothie to literal piss.

11.02AM: As the flat came into view, I couldn’t believe what I was seeing. There must have been 100 people gathered around. When they saw me moments later, a chorus of cheers and boos erupted. My face was red with embarrassment, which fortunately I could blame on the fact that I’d just sprinted 2km.

Next up was a dart race. We lined up facing the crowd, hands behind our backs. I had never smoked a cigarette in my life. What an introduction to the world of nicotine. It was awful. I would’ve preferred to skull the urine. If the government mandated a compulsory coming of age dart race, we’d be a smoke-free nation in no time. I haven’t touched a dart since. Even the smell gives me flashbacks.

11.04AM:

11.32AM:

I broke through the crowd to find my group sitting on the grass in the front yard. The “initiators” sat in chairs directly opposite, the two parties separated by a table where the alcohol had been placed. I stepped towards the table and added my stash to the pile.

We’d barely recovered from the baccy headspins before we found ourselves lined up again. In front of each of us was a 2L bottle of milk, each dyed a different colour. Beyond that, there were three full glasses of wine, each situated about five metres apart from the next. This was some fucked up beep test shit. “Skull the milk, run the shuttles, making sure to finish the wine when you go past it” somebody said, clearly relishing this brief moment of authority. I was starting to feel dizzy. I looked across at my fellow comrades. Two of them had spew all down their togas. Two more looked like they could barely stand up. One was doing warm up stretches. “Where’s Scott Green?” I say looking around. “GO!” went the crowd.

“You’re late. And what the fuck is that?” The bulkiest, hairiest of the men was pointing, of course, to my box of Radlers. “They’d... they’d sold out of Diesels,” I managed to stutter back. “Ooooh!” went the crowd. “Right, that’s one vessel for being late, and another one for bringing those.” 11.06AM: Vorteke. 11.07AM: Vorteke. 11.08AM: “Welcome boys, to your initiation.” I felt like we were on some perverse game show. “A few ground rules: If you lose a challenge, you skull a drink. Oh, and no spewing in the house.” With those short but poetic words said, it was time for the first challenge: Mystery bong. We were told to line up, blindfold up, and wait. I was first in line. I took a knee and had the end of a beer bong shoved in my mouth. I was shaking. “3, 2, 1!” Went the crowd. If I had to guess, I would say it was a can of Smirnoff Ice. Honestly, was pretty stoked with the outcome. I went to remove the blindfold but

11.25AM:

We cracked open our milks, and drank. By this stage, anything that was going in was coming straight back out. I have to hand it to them: the multicoloured milk was a creative idea. The driveway quickly turned into a spewy, milky rainbow. It was almost beautiful. 11.45AM By this point, we were absolutely hammered. I remember trying to count how many drinks I’d had. I couldn’t put a number on it. It could’ve been five, it could’ve been twenty. Where the fuck is Scott Green? I stumbled around for a bit while the stragglers finished their shuttles. I found my way inside the flat. There he was. Asleep on the couch. He was cradling a fire extinguisher. “You alright mate?” I say, FEATURES

swaying a little on the spot. “Yeah man…. just….. very…. very…. high.”

Speedy, who was now out of view, but probably passed out somewhere on the roof.

“Oi!” The voice came from outside. “Get your ass out here. NOW!”

“I’ll do it,” a voice came from the crowd. I looked around. It was some dude in his mid-thirties, wearing a suit. He was standing next to three similarly dressed men who must’ve been his work colleagues. The fuckers were on lunch break from the real estate business down the road.

I tripped over the doorway on my way out but managed to make it look like I was doing a little dance. The crowd were all laughing. I realised I was no longer wearing my toga. I re-joined the crew. We were an absolute state. It was time for the pelican. 11.57AM For those who don’t know, a pelican is the act of drinking so much that you vomit into somebody else’s mouth. Not a game to play at family Christmas. We were split into two groups. My group was told to climb up the fire escape onto the roof and await further instruction. The other group waited below. I still have no idea how we all managed to get up that ladder considering the state we were in. Once we made it to the summit, we were met by one of the initiators. He was sat in a deck chair, smoking a dart, the beer bong on his lap. The dozen or so remaining diesels were strewn at his feet. He took a long drag of his dart. “Who’s up first?” To be fair, it wasn’t nearly as gross as it sounds. By this stage, we had spewed so much that the only thing we had left to cough up was whatever had just gone in. Plus, we were too fucked to really care much anyway. The first three pelicans were seamless. The diesel went in, the diesel came out. The crowd’s reaction was a kind of satisfied repulsion. 12.20AM It wasn’t until we had descended the fire escape and found ourselves back on solid ground, that things turned sour. I was the last person to stand under the chunderfall. Speedy was to be my partner. He was on the roof, ready to skull and expunge. One diesel went down. Speedy assumed the puke position. We waited. Nothing happened. Two diesels went down. Speedy was barely standing up at this point. Still, nothing came. Three diesels went down. Shit, is he ok? Speedy was as white as a ghost and had gone completely quiet. I had been standing, mouth open head turned upwards for nearly ten minutes now. The crowd was silent as we watched him sway about and then BOOM! Out she came. The vomit rocketed from his mouth like a burst damn. I took a step back in shock and the spew missed my mouth entirely, splashing down my bare chest instead. The crowd was outraged. “He stepped back!” Someone yelled “That dirty little cheat!” cried another. The initiator on the roof stood up. “Clearly, that little bastard wanted seconds....” The crowd cheered. “But this poor fucker can’t do shit.” The initiator was pointing at

The crowd roared in delight as this random rich prick ascended the ladder towards the roof. Once up, he took a bow (of course he did, the arrogant cock), and then grabbed the bong and swallowed the contents. It only took one - and this time, there was no way I was stepping back. Rather than the pure, mostly unadulterated Diesel-spew that the rest of the group had to swallow, I got his whole fucking lunch. 1PM Down to my jocks, covered in chunks of carrot, corn and God knows what else, my dignity had hit rock bottom. Or so I thought. There was one last challenge. The head shave. One last time, we all lined up. A neat little number zero would have almost been inappropriate at this stage. The boys made sure to give us each a uniquely disgusting cut; there were skullets, front rats tail and friar tucks. By the time it was my turn, I think everyone was getting bit bored. They just took a chunk out of my hair with the razor and sent me on my way. And just like that, it was all over. There probably would have been some speech given at some stage, about how we could now all call ourselves “worthy” blah, blah, blah. I can’t remember anything from the head shave til the moment I woke up at 10pm on the floor of Mum’s bathroom. How I got home, I have no idea. Mum and I both knew the less I said about it the better, and we still haven’t spoken about it all these years later. Despite the fact that we were all willing participants, it’s hard to say whether the whole thing was ‘consensual’. Peer pressure and alcohol are a dangerous mixture. Although we laughed about it in the weeks following, we decided that the following year, we’d have a couple of beers with the incoming flatties, tell a few jokes and call it a day. Probably a good thing too, as nine students were suspended from uni that year for initiations. * Names have been changed If you or someone you know is suffering from the effects of alcohol, please seek help. Alcohol helpline: 0800 787 797 Māori line – 0800 787 798 Pasifika line – 0800 787 999

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CULINARYLINGUS

F RY B R E A D BY MASON TANGATATAI

10 SERVINGS Simplicity is key - this phrase has embodied itself in this doughy goodness that has lined the pukus of New Zealanders for centuries. Fry bread (commonly mistaken for fried bread) likens to that dodgy BYO you reluctantly go to every weekend - it looks suspicious but always tastes so fucking good. Fry bread provides a quick and cheap greasy fix - for just a fraction of the price. The student cohort needs to adopt this ancient cooking method for the small cost of a few extra kilograms this summer. Let’s set the record straight, I know none of you can really cook, and that’s fine. Embrace your incompetence, whip out your stirring spoon, pull out the flour you haven’t used in six months and be prepared to enjoy a culinary masterpiece you never thought you could achieve.

INGREDIENTS • •

3 ½ cups of flour ½ teaspoon of salt

•

1 tablespoon of baking powder

•

1 ½ cups warm water

METHOD 1. Chuck flour, baking powder and salt in a large mixing bowl. Gradually add water until the mixture holds its shape in a ball (try not to overmix as this can cause flat fry bread). 2. Remove dough from the bowl and place onto a lightly floured bench. Roll to a 2cm thickness and cut into 6x6cm squares or whatever looks good to you.

3. Heat a medium size pot of oil to 165°C. 4. Gently place dough in the hot oil and cook until golden brown or double the original size. 5. Once cooked, remove from oil and drain on a paper towel. Allow to rest for five minutes before serving. 6. This is the fun part - break

open your golden masterpiece and lather the insides with whatever toppings you have left in your pantry. I suggest golden syrup, butter or jam - or even better, all three at once. 7. Have a nap - there’s no doubt you’ll be in a happy food coma once you’ve gotten through 10 of these.

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Sexcapades X-Rated Adventures of the Massey Underbelly Episode 15: Breakin’ the Banjo

Got a confession, a naughty tale, a sexy story? Email sexcapades@massivemagazine.org.nz to submit yours xoxox Picture the scene: a lovely Thursday night. Drinks with the crew. At around 2am I started to get a bit dusty, and a bit handsy, with an old flame of mine. We were too lazy to get an Uber home, but thankfully the hosts said one of their flatties was out for the weekend, and we could use the bed. Bingo. Truth be told, I wasn’t like SUPER into the whole thing, but we were making out and I was trying to get into the groove of it. We were doing a bit of dry-humping with a handy thrown in, you know how it goes. When suddenly, I just feel my dick deflate. Like a balloon, just “whoosh!”. It felt like a sign from God, like clearly my heart, nor my dick, was really into this girl. Told her I wasn’t feeling it, and leaned over to turn on the lights. Blood. There was blood everywhere. And I mean literally everywhere. On the sheets, pillows, even on the fucking carpet. “Um, Fuck! Mate, have you got your period?” I exclaimed. After a bit of checking between the legs, she assured me the problem wasn’t her. Oh god. In a slow pan down to my groin, I saw the source of the blood. Gushing out of my banjo cord, it just kept going. The weird thing was, I didn’t FEEL any

pain. Sure, I was 9 Diesels down, but you’d think that when something happened to the wee fella, you’d be the first to feel it, right? Wrong. Sure, looking back, I COULD have got to hospital. Probably should. But in the moment, grabbed a bit of loo-roll and after a couple of minutes, the blood had pretty much stopped. Weird, right? To this day, I think it’s possible that she had nicked the thing with a ring (these artsy girls, huh), but no one knows for sure. All I know is that at 2am, my ex-girlfriend and I were scrubbing the blood of the sheets and the carpets like there was no tomorrow. Like, it wasn’t even my room! After a lot of bleach, and a few more Diesels, the room was almost as good as new. So- did the owner of the room notice? Long story short, yes. But only because his flatmates snitched on us! The stains were barely noticeable after our spot treatment, and let’s face it, he didn’t really seem the type inspect their sheets that closely. Anyway, I wasn’t invited to their next party, and to this day I always ask girls to take off their rings before I plow them.

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We’re Going on a Man Hunt

Spinster Woman Seeks Desperate Man Episode 3: Speed Dating

By One Less Lonely Girl After the shit show of last week, I decided to do something bold. Something I’d only ever seen in terrible 90s movies: speed dating. I signed up for a 23 – 30-year-old evening that was taking place in a crummy Wellington bar, and waited for my chance at love. When the big day finally came around, it was pouring down with rain, I was slightly tipsy since I’d pre-drank on an empty stomach (when will I learn?) and overall, just felt really fucking nervous. However, walking in, I was pleasantly surprised at the selection. Truth be told, I really thought that people who did speed dating must be awkward losers like me, but these people, well, seemed normal. Some even cute! This might not be so terrible after all, praise be! Overall, there were 13 guys, with dates lasting five minutes each. As for the dates, God, it went by in a fucking blur. I had come prepared with flirty, fun questions like “what reality TV show would you go on” or “who would win in a fight between Adam Sandler and Jim Carrey” (Jim, obviously. He is a man not to be trifled with), but at the last minute I chickened out, out of fear of seeming TOO quirky. Zooey Deschanel, how do you do it babe? When push comes to shove, you mostly end up talking about shit like “How long have you lived in Wellington?” Yeah, I’m not super proud of myself either. Occasionally the conversation would lurch into something interesting, like the Irish potato famine, or Elon Musk conspiracy theories, but then the fiveminute timer always rang, and boom, you’re back

to small talk with another stranger. Shout out to the ex-Massey boys who bitched about the shit food on campus with me, I’ll always think of you fondly. At the end of each date, you wrote down their name and a simple yes/no as to whether you’d want to meet up with them again. I jotted down six yes’s, seven no’s and left my fate in the hands of the over-enthusiastic organiser (he had an exclamation mark beside his name, enough said). By the last date, I was exhausted. I really, really, needed to go to the bathroom (I have a small bladder, okay) and my introverted-ness had been pushed to the limit. On top of all that, I actually couldn’t remember anyone’s names or what they looked like. 13 faces and conversations just seemed to blur into a shapeless mass. Why do I have such a god-awful memory? I wonder if you can have sex with a shapeless mass? The next day, I got the dreaded email: my matches. Out of the six I’d said yes to, I’d matched with five of them. Umm...okay!! Is ya girl secretly kind of great at dating?? Or maybe everyone else was shit at dating, but either way I’ll take it. There were only 14 matches for the total event which seems weirdly low. Had I been too heavy-handed in saying yes? Only one way to find out. After exchanging Facebook info over email, I now have some dates lined up next week. Both cool and terrifying, but also, I cannot (and I can’t stress this enough) remember anything about these men. Wish me luck!

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SNIP, SNOP, SNAP SEND US YOUR SNAPS TO GET FEATURED IN NEXT WEEK’S EDITION @MASSIVE_MAG

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Exec Columns

MAWSA: ELIZABETH HODGSON

ASA: BEN AUSTIN

Hey everybody!! It’s me, ya VP. <3 I hope everyone is hangin’ in there. By the time this issue is released, MAWSA’s new Welfare and Equity Officer will be elected! If you have any queries, want to join the Welfare Committee or need some extra support during this semester, please don’t hesitate to reach out to us here at MAWSA! That’s what we’re here for. Also don’t forget that there are more Market Days coming up so if you want to sell your products and earn some $$$ get in touch with our team!! Stay groovy xxx

I can’t believe it is nearing the end of July already. If you are anything like me, you would have grand plans that should have been completed by now but in reality, are nowhere near done. This is a good opportunity to check in with what you want to get done this semester and prioritise the most important. Whether it’s getting A grades or even as small as coming to an ASA event, every plan counts. In terms of the MSAF Merger, we plan on having this all done as soon as we can and keeping you, the students, in the loop where possible.

MUSA: FATIMA IMRAN

M@D: JAX WATT AND JACALYN CLARE

Despite repeated reminders from the Massive staff, your Massey Manawatū president did not submit a column in time for print.

Despite repeated reminders from the Massive staff, your Massey at Distance presidents did not submit a column in time for print.

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YOUR STUDENT ASSOCIATION MIGHT BE MERGING! CONSULTATION ON HOW THIS COULD LOOK OPENS NEXT WEEK- MONDAY 2ND AUGUST Have your say in how you're represented at Te Kunenga Ki Purehuroa (Massey University) Keep an eye on your Student Association's socials, websites (and Stream for distance students) to participate:

Massey University Students' Association

Massey at Wellington Students' Association

Albany Students' Association

Massey at Distance Students' Association

www.MUSA.org.nz @musa_events

www.MAWSA.org.nz @mawsagram

www.ASA.ac.nz @asa.massey

@masseydistance

Horoscopes AQUARIUS

Your primary school crush just got HOT! Time to look them up.

CANCER

Time to start sending horny messages on LinkedIn. Yep, it’s that time of year.

GEMINI

Break up with your long-term partner. It’s just not working. Sorry! Thank you, next x

LIBRA

Cough, cough! What’s that? Oh, it’s fresher flu szn, babe. You’re in for a serious case of the sniffles.

SAGITTARIUS

Oh my, you horny bastard. Nice work and everything, but for the love of God, change your bedsheets.

TAURUS

Toast is SO delicious - don’t forget that!! I don’t know why I have to keep on reminding you of this. A little bit of butter, a little bit of salt, a little bit of toast: hey presto, dinner!

ARIES

You’ll meet the love of your life this week. Only one little thing though... they might be a bit older than you expect ;)

CAPRICORN

Someone needs to say it - your pasta actually fucking sucks. I know you’re all proud of it and shit, but it’s bad and the sauce isn’t thick OR creamy. Just... stop.

LEO

Your room décor is looking tired and old. So 2019! Maybe...add some Massive centrefolds to spice things up? Idk....but what if?

PISCES

I think you look nice in hats. Wear more fun hats.

SCORPIO

Time to get addicted to a dumb lil phone game!! Maybe 2048? Candy Crush? The possibilities are endless! Tap, tap, tap!

VIRGO

Mmmmmm, email in sick to class. Mmmm, that’s delicious!

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PUZZLE PAGE! WORD WHEEL

The target is to create as many words of 4 letters or more, using the letters once only and always including the letter in the middle of the wheel. 4-letter words: 16 5-letter words: 11

A S

8-letter words: 2 9-letter words: 9

O 14/07/2021

1 5 3

4 2

Sudoku - Easy

07/14/2021

07/13/2021

3 7

7 4 2 7

6 5 2

5 3

EASY

Printable Sudoku 14/07/2021 - Easy - 07/13/2021

Sudoku - Easiest 4

2 9

65 7

2 1

7 5

5 4

76 2

3 1

2 9

6 2

3 2

5 8 8

14 5 69

Mercury Womb Pray for Prey 1 DARTZ3

2 75

Grudge Dale Kerrigan

9 7

Home Again 4 47 shannengeorgiapetersen

2 3

11 9

3 7

34 3 8 4 8

Laugh It Up Bad6Taste6

HAZEL’S PICK

ANNA’S PICK

Astronaut Porpoise

Opti - CC Mix Good Smellmn

VBS Lucy Dacus

2 3

Old Peel Aldous Harding

HIT PICK

Sudoku Today ( https://sudoku.today )

Sudoku -

7 23 6

9 5

7 8

6 2

7 2

2 55 63

9 4 1

HARD

6 78 RADIO 8CONTROL 99.4FM 7TOP 1053 7

Printable Sudoku -

07/13/2021

MEDIUM

E O

Printable Sudoku14/07/2021 - Sudoku for kids - 07/14/2021

SUDOKUS

4 71 9 9 4

Love Levitates Louis Baker

8 9

95 4

Here Comes the Best Bit 5 7 Carb on Carb

MICHAEL’S PICK Spissky Phoebe Rings

57 94 1 10 55

31 8

8 1

Crossing Sulfate

Empty Hours Lips

78 3 7

FELIX’S PICK

The Overflow French for Rabbits

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Sudoku Today ( https://sudoku.today )

CROSSWORD ACROSS 1. You still know all of the words to Complicated by Avril Lavigne because of this game (8) 5. “When I get that feeling, I want ____ healing” (6) 9. Long for Dick (7) 10. Star crossed lover (5) 11. To debate or dispute a price (6) 12. Fast & ____(7) 14. Goat Zodiac (9) 16. Goes good with tonic (3)

18. Dog backwards (3) 20. Person who comes from Iraq (5) 21. Mouth fart (4) 23. A mental health disorder characterised by disregard for other people (9) 24. New Zealand will celebrate this day as a public holiday from 2022 (8) 25. Some people find them scary. Not me though (5)

DOWN 1. Olivia Rodrigo’s Album (4) 2. In football when you pass the ball between the defender’s legs. Also a seed or ground spice (6) 3. The action that moves a display on a screen in order to view new material. Cinammon goes good on this. (6) 4. They tried to make Amy go there but she was like no, no, no. 6. A person, place, action or thing that is cute, adorable or loveable (9) 7. Unsuitable or inappropriate; not decent. Prince Andrew used this word to describe Jeffery Epstein’s sex offending (10)

8. Reality show where a host of hot hunks and gorge girls spend the summer in a luxury villa (4, 6) 11. Hair that is unkempt, matted, or tousled, especially from being compressed or disheveled as the result of wearing a hat (3, 4) 12. A condition in which skin and the tissue just below the skin freeze. (9) 13. Cowboys say this to make their horses run faster (5, 2) 15. A sandwich made with Italian bread, usually toasted (6) 17. Slang for performing vaginal oral sex (3,3) 19. That shit we breathe (6) 22. Ancient Greek philosopher (4)

QUIZ

QUIZ ANSWERS: 1. D) 2. A) 3. C) 4.B) 5. A) 6. D) 7. B) 8. A) 9. A) 10. D)

1. What is Joe Exotic a.k.a the Tiger King’s real name?

C) Chocolate D) Rice

A) Joe Exotic B) Joe Steven-Cummings C) Joseph Exodus Martin D) Joseph Allen Maldonado-Passage

8. An organic compound is considered an alcohol if it has what functional group?

5. In 1964, Hone Tuwhare became the first Māori poet to have their poetry collection published. What was the name of his first book?

A) Hydroxyl B) Carbonyl C) Alkyl D) Aldehyde

2. What’s the largest city in the South Island? A) Christchurch B) Dunedin C) Nelson D) Invercargill

A) 1 B) 2 C) 3 D) 4

A) Best Picture B) Best Director C) Best Original Screenplay D) Best Production Design 7. Bogota is the capital of which South American country?

4. Which is the most stolen food in the world?

LAST ISSUE CROSSWORD ANSWERS: Across: 1. Kiss 3. Balloon 5. Me. 7. Nitrous oxide 8.

9. What is considered the rarest form of colour blindness?

6. Which Academy Award did the movie Parasite NOT win?

3. How many times did Ross Geller get divorced on Friends?

A) Bread B) Cheese

A) No Ordinary Sun B) Rain C) Come Rain Hail D) Deep River Talk

A) Peru B) Columbia C) Bolivia D Suriname

Europe 10. Eight 12. Accordion 14. Yas 15. Taint 17. Kong 20. Pickle Rick 23. Succession 25. Abbey 26. Yesterday

A) Blue B) Red C) Green D) Purple 10. Who was the highest-paid actress of 2019, according to Forbes? A) Sofia Vergara B) Reese Witherspoon C) Nicole Kidman D) Scarlett Johansson

Down: 1. Kanye West 2. Saturday 3. Bougee 4. Lox 5. Oldie 6. Matchbox 9. Doc 11. TokTik 12. A$AP Rocky 13.

Duck 16. Ick 18. On 19. Greasy 20. Pasta 21. Lousy 22. Poor 24. S.O.S

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