Massive Magazine Issue 01 2021 by Massive Magazine

MASSIVE ISSUE 01 housing

THE STRUGGLES OF FLAT HUNTING

BOTHERING LANDLORDS :/

FLATTING WITH A DISABILITY FEB22/2021

Editor’s Letter

editor: Caroline Moratti sub editor: Jamie Mactaggart

Kia ora and welcome to Massive. We decided to kick off this year with a housing issue because, well, it’s a huge fucking deal. Some would say massive.

culture editor: Liv Redman news editor: James Pocock staff writers: Kiedis-Haze Viel, Cameron Taylor, Elena McIntyre-Reet, Rimu Bhooi, Liam McGuire,

Especially in light of the recent lockdown, students need certainty and security in housing more than ever. Finding a flat is hard, affording a flat is hard, keeping a flat is hard. You can throw that dream of home ownership right out of your broken bathroom window. Buying a house? Right now, students are just fucking trying to rent one.

designer: Micah Davis-Rae photographers: Callum Parsons @callumoparsons.nz Liam McGuire illustrator: Tallulah Farrar @tallulahfarrar contributors: Ace Pilgrim contact: editor@massivemagazine.org.nz Facebook/massive.magazine Instagram/massivemagazine www.massivemagazine.org.nz read online: issu.com/massivemagazine

Got a letter to the Editor? Email editor@massivemagazine.org.nz to rant, flirt, complain, whatever x Massive is registered under the New Zealand Press Council which allows our reader to reach out to an independent forum for resolving complaints you may have. Massive is also a member of the Aotearoa Student Press Association. The views, beliefs and opinions reflected in the pages of Massive do not necessarily represent those of Massey University, its staff, ASA, MUSA, MAWSA, M@D or the Massive Editor. MAWSA is an independent organisation that publishes Massive. Send any queries or complaints directly to Massive at editor@ massivemagazine.org.nz. Massive is subject to the New Zealand Press Council. If a complainant is not satisfied with the response from Massive, the complaint may be referred to the Press Council: info@presscouncil.org. nz or online via presscouncil.org.nz.

In our centrefold of this issue, we’ve included a template 14-day notice of a breach of landlord responsibilities. If you’ve got a shit landlord that’s not meeting their responsibilities, fill in this letter, and give ‘em hell. Tell them Massive sends our love. In our features, we explore the struggles students with disabilities have when looking for housing, how finding a flat is mostly dependent on luck, and how student are often too afraid to ask landlords for legal fixes to their flat, out of fear of retaliation. Truth be told, this is just the tip of the iceberg. Students having to work jobs on top of Studylink just to afford rent, all whilst studying fulltime, is the norm, not the exception. Students live in cars, crash on mates’ floors, and accept whatever shithole that Vic Deals serves up on a platter, if they can afford it. They live further and further out, in flats that get increasingly dodgy. We talk a lot about mental health, but housing is a huge, unspoken contributing factor. If you’re living in unsafe living, or working yourself to the bone, that’s when shit falls apart. There’s just so many fucking stories out there, and I wish we could write them all in this issue. But over the year, you bet your ass we’re going to try to. But there’s no point just writing this; something needs to be done. The Government needs to do something. Obviously. So does our city council. And honestly, so does Massey. There’s so many students struggling to find decent living, our institutions need to respond to this and build halls, apartments whatever it takes. It’s frankly fucking unethical for universities to continue increase enrolment numbers, like Massey Wellington, but have so little concern for where these people end up living. They need to tackle wellbeing head-on, rather than just holding some yoga classes and calling it a day. It’s our job at Massive to hold these institutions to account (and talk some absolute shit, of course). If you have a crappy housing story, or just any story, please get in touch. We want to help. Email editor@massivemagazine.org.nz with your tales, trials and tribulations. I hope this new year finds you settled and well. Strap in, it’s gonna be a wild ride. x Caroline

Table of Contents

06 News

10 Disabled by our flats

14 Sorry to bother you :/

18 Interior design choices

20 Centrefold

22 I tried looking for a flat...

26 From debit to deposit

28 Profile: James Warrender

32 Opinion: Albany’s chicken statue is sexy

33 Columns

38 Puzzles

39 Horoscopes

MASSIVE NEWS

Lockdown threatens freshers’ O-week piss-up Honestly just our fucking luck JAMES POCOCK

NATIONAL NEWS

First year students all around the country were left disappointed with the postponement of Massey’s O-Week events. As the country was hit by yet another lockdown at Level 2 and above, limiting all gatherings to 100 people or less, the Massey Crisis Management Team and Student Associations made the call to postpone or cancel the events. In Albany, Massey’s Auckland campus was subject to Level 3 lockdown restrictions. ASA President Benjamin Austin said most of the O-Week events were Massey Universityrun. The sole Albany-run event, a comedy night on Friday 19 February, will most likely be postponed until Auckland is back at Level 1. Even with the news of level 2, the events will be postponed to a later date as the exec “haven’t had the time to re-do them”. Clubs’ day will be subject to the government announcement on Monday. At Level 2, the 100-person limit meant MAWSA, Massey’s Wellington Students’ Association, has postponed their events “until further notice”. MAWSA President Tessa Guest said their Toga, D&B and Band night events were in conjunction with the Victoria University of Wellington

Students’ Association (VUWSA) and collectively sold 1,400 tickets per event. However, with the announcement of Wellington entering Level 1, MAWSA was able to confirm that O-Week events were able to be held on the Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday and Monday with the same line-up as before. Massey’s Manawatū Students’ Association’s (MUSA) “FutureFest” O-Week event line-up in Palmerston North was postponed in its entirety as of Tuesday afternoon. MUSA president Fatima Imran said a full refund will be issued automatically to all ticketholders in 5-10 days. Upon immediate news of the Level 1 announcement, Fatima told Massive “From what I understand right now, our situation hasn’t changed. We have postponed our events and will find a new date that works best with MUSA, the artists and agents.” Refunds will still be given under level 2, as the exec are yet to confirm new dates, with Fatima saying “we understand that students aren’t always in the best financial situations...it seems unfair to hold on to a significant amount of money”. Some freshers feared their O-Week experience was dead in the water. First year student Erik said, “My disappointment is immeasurable, and my week is ruined.” Meanwhile freshers Harrison and Quinn described the lockdown O-Week experience so far as “very un-swag” and a “pretty lukewarm start”. Student Inderpreet knew exactly who to blame. “All my homies hate COVID”, whilst Manvir kept his thoughts to the point: “O-Week, more like no-week.” NEWS

Students who want to know which events have been postponed, cancelled, or put online can check out the University’s and student associations’ websites, or Facebook, for more information. Editor’s note: This article went to print just an hour after Wednesday’s announcement so some of this information may be outdated, given the changing nature of CoviD.

Manawatū and Albany students pay more fees than Wellington and distance students Don’t they know that students need that $106.9 to pay for 2.6 bottles of Ivanov Vodka? JAMES POCOCK

NATIONAL NEWS

A Massive investigation has revealed that Massey University students who study at the Albany and Manawatū campuses pay more fees than their Wellington and distance-based counterparts. Manawatū students pay $106.90 more, and Albany students pay $157.10 more. For Manawatū students, this entails a Palmerston North Building levy of $30.60 and a Palmerston North Recreation Centre levy of $76.30 for a total of $106.90 per year. Albany students pay $157.10 for their Auckland Recreation Centre levy. This figure is on top of the standard Student Services Levy (SSL) rates that are applied to every student, 21% of which goes to “clubs, cultural groups, societies, sport and recreation”, under which fall ‘Recreation Centres’ according to Massey’s SSL categories for 2020.

extra, particularly as members of the public can buy gym memberships, the profits of which he believes should be able to offset these costs to students. The Massey University spokesperson said that there are discussions underway to change this for 2022.

Massey’s Harmful Sexual Behavior policy nearly complete after delays A big win for survivors after years of campaigning

JAMES POCOCK

NATIONAL NEWS

Massey University’s new Harmful Sexual Behaviours policy is nearly ready to be formally approved and implemented after a several month-long drafting and feedback process. This has come after some delay from the originally slated target date of November 23rd for the finalisation stage in the policy’s workplan. Paul Robertson, director for health, safety, and wellbeing and Amy Heise, executive director for student experience say “The policy wording has been finalised based on the feedback from the second round of consultation.  This second round of consultation took longer than expected as a number of stakeholders requested further time to make a submission.”

According to a Massey University spokesperson, the extra cost is incurred not only for those that study full-time internally, but also to part-time students, even if they only do a single paper at the relevant campus.

The policy, which first began its conceptualisation as far back as 2019, has gone through two rounds of consultation. After a first draft was formulated, it was shared with students, staff, and local community groups, so they could provide feedback on it throughout September and October last year. From this came a second draft that has incorporated the feedback received during this process.

Third year Massey Manawatū student Nate didn’t realise that he was paying these extra fees on top of his SSL, and said it “seems kinda sneaky”. Although he rates the student discount at the gym, he wondered “if I was [enrolled as] a distance student, would I be getting an even lower price?”

They go on to say, “Because this policy is very important and involves a large number of internal and external stakeholders it was important to keep momentum but also allow those who wished to express their view appropriate opportunity to do so.

Fourth year Manawatū student Kiana said she understood why students who didn’t use the recreation centres would find it “annoying and unfair”, but is overall more sympathetic to the necessity of the levies. “[Universities] need money as levies to keep shit running,” she said. “Plus the opportunity and availability to use the rec centre is there for all students so it’s not like they’re paying and not getting anything out of it.”

The last piece of feedback for the policy was received as recently as last week, and the policy is now ready to go through the University’s formal approval process

Third year Albany student Kiedis said that Massey University’s justification of the fees were “fucked”. As someone who has never used the recreation centre, he finds it “surprising” and “annoying” that he has to pay

Robertson and Heise say, “It is our intention that this will occur over the coming 2 weeks and that the policy will be accompanied with an indicative programme of work designed to implement the commitments outlined in the policy” Both the policy and associated implementation plans will be made available publicly once they have been approved.

NEWS

Residential Halls face another lockdown struggle Who needs to make friends in the first week anyway?? JAMES POCOCK

NATIONAL NEWS

halls of residence, and self-contained flats. Ardern said, “Everyone is hoping for the most normal start to the university year that we can. No one generally wants to see a disruption to the education system.” With news of Level 1 and 2, hopefully these measures will be relaxed in the coming weeks.

MAWSA Sustainability officer resigns from role </3 CAROLINE MORATTI

WELLINGTON NEWS

Massey Wellington’s exec are reeling after the resignation of their Sustainability Officer, Joe Ogle. Joe says he gave his resignation “careful consideration” but ended up resigning to pursue other opportunities that “are more relevant to what I aspire to be doing in the future”.

With the country’s sudden plunge into Alert Level 2 and 3, residential halls and their first-year occupants had to quickly adapt to new procedures for these changes. A Massey spokesperson said that they have a range of protocols at Level 3 and at Level 2, including the creation of ‘hall bubbles’ at Alert Level 3 and no off-campus visitors at Alert Level 2. “Our accommodation teams are currently following the protocols and are prepared for any change in alert levels.”

Tessa Guest, MAWSA President, recalled the event precisely; 8:15pm on 17 November, a Tuesday night. “I was at a dinner with my friends, we were having a really good time and then this message popped up…I wasn’t in tears, but it did put a damper on the evening, and the feeling was just a bit shocked, surprised, and sad,” Tessa admits. Despite resigning from the Executive, Joe still plans to join the Sustainability and Wellbeing Committee this year. He chose to resign early into his role “because I thought it would be best for MAWSA as they can now get an Executive who will definitely be there for the full year. Right from the start.” The MAWSA Exec are gearing up for a by-election to fill the

Madi, an RA at Ferguson Hall, said the main procedure they implemented for the new alert levels is to contact trace all visiting non-residents on sight. “We’re under the legal gathering numbers so not a biggie here. Many of our Auckland-based residents have already arrived as our move in started on Saturday 13, however I think we have three or four residents who will be stuck there for a while. RA wise we’re mostly business as usual, with the exception of cancelling or postponing the large halls events this week until Thursday.” At the Prime Minister’s press conference held on Tuesday, Jacinda Ardern addressed concerns that students attempting to leave Auckland for universities elsewhere may end up trapped for longer, saying that in a scenario where Auckland continues to have heightened levels of restrictions, there would be no need to travel as they anticipate online learning would be made available. The Prime Minister’s office recommended that Alert Level 3 students not move to any new student accommodation and instead remain in their current accommodation for the duration. Alert Level 2 students can move into new accommodation. This advice included moving into hostels,

empty seat. Nominations for the position will open 1 March and will close on 3 March, in week two. Voting opens 8 March, with results announced via livestream 11 March. Both Tessa and Joe encourage those interested to get involved: “It’s an awesome opportunity for anyone to get involved with MAWSA and do one of the coolest roles on the Exec!” Just don’t tell that to the Academic Officer, they’ll be heartbroken. The Sustainability role is 10 hours a week, and will chair the Sustainability Committee. Let’s hope this next Sustainability Officer is… sustainable. NEWS

Wellington Wellbeing Space yet to relax into popularity Popularity and use of the space called into question by students JAMES POCOCK

WELLINGTON NEWS

The new Wellbeing Space in Wellington’s Campus is still unheard of amongst students, despite the site opening in October last year. The Wellbeing Space was created for students to destress through positive activity such as guided meditation, restorative yoga, and ‘drop-in’ relaxation sessions. The space, which is opposite the library, is in a crowded and public area of the University, where Bennetts Bookstore was previously located. Currently no information about the space exists online; students must log into the MyHub Massey page to see timetables for the centre. Most returning students Massive spoke to were still unaware of its existence. Third year student Florence said, “I’d be very keen on partaking in this sort of stuff, but personally I have no idea where this place is. It’s not mentioned/discussed or advertised that much around Massey.” The centre is not open outside of scheduled sessions. “It seems weird that I can’t just go in and mediate when I want to,” says one first year student. Some students also struggled with rules prohibiting the use of food, cell-phones or headphones in the space. Both students and staff use the space, a policy one student criticised, saying “it’s hard to relax and do yoga when your lecturer is right in front of you”. Third year student Ben said “I reckon if more people knew maybe more people would be keen. I would consider using it, but I guess I just don’t have much of an interest or need for that sort of thing.” Commercial Music student Keegan was less enticed, saying “I probably wouldn’t use it because I’m incredibly introverted”. “There’s been really strong uptake from like five people,” one student said. “Five people love it, no one else knows about it or uses it. I feel like the process of making it was not in touch with students at all. Like, it could be really good, but I don’t think they really investigated what students want at all”. Others questioned the decision to have a wellbeing space at all, especially given that Massey Wellington doesn’t host a rainbow or women’s room. Wellbeing Advisor and Wellbeing Space coordinator, Sam Hannah, says “We cannot avoid stress - it’s a part of life. Not all stress is bad. However, when the demands of life outweigh our capabilities and resources for coping, that’s when we experience chronic stress, which directly affects our wellbeing. We need to learn how to listen to our bodies and quieten our minds. To nourish our nervous systems so we can reset and restore more efficiently. This is what we

teach in the Wellbeing Space.” According to the organisers, these activities offered by the Wellbeing Space have proven popular so far in the four months it has been open. Sam plans to have regular opening hours and a schedule that includes journaling workshops, koru mindfulness courses and ‘learn to meditate’ courses, all of which teach students how to become self-sufficient at their wellbeing practices.

Stationery store plans put on hold “indefinitely” If you want a pen, enjoy the 10-minute walk to Countdown lol CAROLINE MORATTI

WELLINGTON NEWS

The MAWSA Exec have decided to put plans for a Wellington stationery store on hold despite promising talks last year. Plans with art supplies store Gordon Harris about a possible on campus click and collect supply service have been postponed until further notice. “We did quite a lot of consultation with students, and most people thought it was a pretty good idea,” MAWSA President, Tessa Guest, admits. “It was looking like it would be a potential, but given the state of flux that we’re in as an organisation, we decided it was too risky of a move to make.” The Exec is facing “potential changes” in their budget in the coming year, so considered the stationery store “too risky” in light of these changes. A student told Massive last year that an on-campus supply store is essential: “Oh my gosh, the amount of times that I’ve had to leave uni and walk all the way to Gordon Harris just to get some more paper or a pencil, so stupid. In the Design School we rely on those sorts of supplies so I feel like it’s a no brainer. I mean, half of this campus is design focused.” Tessa says she understands student disappointment, but the project isn’t currently feasible. “For now there are still a lot of affordable options available. It’s not the biggest loss and there are many other wins we can celebrate instead.” When questioned on what other wins the Exec could celebrate, Tessa declined to specify. Bennetts, a campus bookstore, closed in 2019 to student disappointment. Tessa expressed her frustration with Massey’s decision to close the bookstore “without consulting anyone”, saying “Massey has more services than us, so if this [stationery store] is a service that students need, then they should definitely be investigating it. For us, it’s something we’d love to go above and beyond to do, but isn’t as feasible in the immediate future as we don’t have the same resources.” In the meantime, the Massive office is willing to sell ballpoint pens at a starting price $500 for any interested students. Cash payments only. Hey, at least it’s better than nothing. NEWS

Disabled by Our Flats Why can’t disabled people find homes? Maybe because it’s legal to deny us housing… By Rimu Bhooi Illustrations by Tallulah Farrar

CW - discussion of mental ill-health, and mentions of mania, schizophrenia, BPD, su*c*de. This article follows the social model of disability.

lex* a final year Massey CoCA student has been looking for a flat since December last year. Alex has chronic fatigue syndrome, which they say has seriously worsened “from continuously balancing on the ledge of homelessness”. The denials come in thick and strong says Alex, with each rejection feeling “like a punch to the tiddies”. They went on to explain that it’s difficult enough as a person with impairments in their “day-to-day without this added stress”. Having an accessible home to live in and an accessible application process would make all the difference for exhausted, sick and low-income students like Alex. “Being accepted into a healthy, warm home would feel like hitting the lottery, especially as a student. It would make a significant impact on both my physical health and mental health.” The feeling you get when the ‘you’ve been unsuccessful in your tenancy application’ emails take over your inbox hits closer to home for disabled students. Disabled renters face so many fucking barriers to securing a home. It’s legal

for landlords to discriminate against them. Even if you can make it through the horrendously long and intrusive application process, and a landlord accepts your application, the flat could be totally inaccessible. It could have shoddy narrow staircases without a handrail, no parking, high benchtops, light switches totally out of reach from the bed, seat or chair. It could (probably would) leak and make your immunocompromised body so sick you have to miss a couple of months of uni (yes, months lol). ‘No one wants you.’ Disabled people face that sentiment everywhere, especially when looking for homes. Alex said that being considered “a lower-class citizen”, just because of who they are, has meant “unhealthy and stressful living conditions”. Landlords and property managers seem to have “no regard as to how this may affect us as living, breathing people”. We can be told nah sorry we don’t accept applications from wheelchair users or chronic fatigue sufferers. Or they could look up our social media where we’ve talked about our mania, schizophrenia, BPD, or suicidal ideation, and outright say nope. With any form of impairment whatsoever, disabled people can be denied a tenancy. Suppose disabled

FEATURES

people risk that one flat we get offered by requesting better accessibility. In that case, we’re not just risking a bad reference. We can have our lease terminated. And it’s legal. Totally, entirely, and completely legal. Not a violation of our human rights at all, ay? Section 56 of the Human Rights Act 1993 states that people with disabilities can be excluded if “there would be a risk of harm to that person or others”. Section 52 of the Act literally says that it’s okay to exclude disabled people should it be too “onerous” to provide accessible facilities. It’s pretty thoughtless and ableist. Getting a flat at the moment is truly hellish as the headlines each day remind us; as if we’re not all going to the same flat viewings. Whether Te Whanganuia-Tara/Wellington or Tāmaki Makaurau/Auckland, rental prices just keep going up, and it’s ridiculously inaccessible for most young people. Being poor is expensive; being disabled by the world around us is expensive. Hospital, GP, counsellor, specialist appointments – it all adds up. Public transport alone is a super exhausting process. Using cars drains bank accounts quicker than I can chug a jug at JJs. With most of our StudyLink payments going straight to our landlord’s savings, there’s so little left at the end of the week. So heavily in financial trouble, we default on payments and even get rent arrears. Then the people who might’ve consider housing you see your record aaaand there’s another ‘unsuccessful’ email? Let’s look at the numbers 47% of disabled people rent, that’s 12% more renters than non-disabled people.

31% of disabled people live in mouldy homes, that’s 11% more than non-disabled people. 40% of disabled people said their homes were unaffordable, that’s 10% more than non-disabled people. 10% of disabled people said their homes didn’t meet their needs (were inaccessible), that’s 6% more than non-disabled people. 37% of disabled people experienced discrimination

regularly, that’s 18% more than non-disabled people. When things are built to be as accessible as possible, we all benefit. Last week, TradeMe confirmed that a 1–2-bedroom home in Te Whanganui- a-Tara/the Wellington region will cost ya $520 weekly Tāmaki comes in just behind at $510 weekly. You could half that with a partner or your best mate, but the price is still overwhelmingly high. The median price for a 3–4-bedroom home has hit a record high in every major city. What about Palmy, you ask? Dw landlords are hiking up prices for y’all in Te Papaioea as well. Rental prices increased 17% in the Manawatū-Whanganui region in the last year (the most significant increase in percentage in the whole country, you lucky kids).

All of these details are per “bedroom,” as self-identified by the owner. But those of us in Pōneke know all too well, a “bedroom” can be anything from a closet to a converted laundry with lino still intact. Many of us are desperately clinging to our 5-bedroom crusty, dusty, musty flats, hoping they don’t collapse around us, because we have no other options. Going home, quitting uni, living with the ‘rents? Eyewatering. No, thanks. So, we persevere. If we can, we hide our illnesses, conditions, and disabilities, in the hopes of that joyful moment when Property Manager #768 decides our flatting group is ‘deserving’ and we can let out that breath. It may be possible for people who have invisible illnesses/ disabilities to present themselves as fitting the norm, but many disabled people don’t have that opportunity. They have to turn up to viewings as themselves. Prejudiced and discriminatory landlords can more easily identify people who have visible accessibility needs. When the onus for accommodating and increasing accessibility of a rental lies with someone who can’t be arsed - and legally doesn’t have to be – that’s a recipe for disaster. ‘Severely housing deprived’ Fast forward to not having a home, maybe you didn’t get accepted for one, maybe you had an accident at work and need a handrail, or maybe your landlord just wanted someone with fewer needs. Whatever it is, you are now homeless, which Statistics NZ defines as “Living situations where people with no other options to acquire safe and secure housing: are without shelter, in temporary accommodation, sharing accommodation FEATURES

with a household or living in uninhabitable housing.” Shit, I could name like ten of my mates right now. At least three of us are disabled. Those figures really do stack up. Almost a quarter (24%) of Aotearoa’s population is disabled. That figure stays about the same for Te Whanganui-a-Tara/ Wellington Region (22%). Wellington City Council (WCC) has a pretty decent plan for accessibility, just not including private property (i.e., rentals). Rebecca Matthews, Wellington City Councillor, and the Disability portfolio leader shared her thoughts on accessible housing. She explained that it’s hard to create mediumdensity homes. It’s more expensive, so creating accessible high-density homes is actually easier. The atrocious news of rent price increases and a lack of safe, and affordable housing has her worried too. “I’ve been saying that we’re the capital of the housing crisis.” She also knows that “the housing crisis

can come along and speak up at any and all meetings on the last Tuesday of each month. The group has even organised for the Council’s city housing team to come in later in the year to answer questions on accessibility. The AAG website has more deets available if you’re keen to turn up with me and share our experiences with people who can enact change. Someone once told me housing is a human right. For disabled people, nothing could be further from the truth. Rebecca from WCC says “we need to make it a huge focus. People with disabilities should have an accessible community; get to have a social life, go and see loved ones, just like anyone else.” “If I had the opportunity to live in a decent, affordable place, I wouldn’t have to stress my health,” concluded Alex. “I could actually find comfort in my living space, which would only motivate me to look after a property as it would look after me.”

“Many of us are desperately clinging to our 5 bedroom crusty, dusty, musty flats, hoping they don’t collapse around us” that we have is a hundred times worse as an accessibility crisis”. Rebecca encourages disabled students to reach out to their representatives. Whether that’s our student associations, RentersUnited, or A City for People, she says advocacy is already happening but that students should get involved at whatever level they can. “Flick your councillors an email. I’m on Twitter, and my dms are open. Let me know what’s happening in your life, it all helps.” The Accessibility Advisory Group (AAG) is on to it too they visit public spaces and report back with accessibility suggestions. They consult with WCC and have an active voice in making this city more liveable and comfortable for all. The co-chair of AAG, Nick Ruane, knows that Pōneke’s disability community is struggling to find accessible housing. He reiterated that they are “mindful that disabled people are concerned. The group has a real commitment to having more accessible housing, particularly more city housing stock.” When asked what struggling young people could do to push for further action, he recommended we turn up to AAG’s monthly public meetings at Council. Nick reckons that “Councillors and Council officers present would benefit from hearing the experiences of young disabled renters”. Students

So, if you feel like turning up to some meetings and yelling at some suits, I’ll be right there, next to you. If this article has impacted your wellbeing Google CommunityLaw, Citizen’s Advice Bureau, RentersUnited, your Student executive, MentalHealthFoundation if you need some situation-specific support. You can also hmu (rimu@massivemagazine.org.nz) if you want to talk about your experiences. I have Endometriosis, multiple Traumatic Brain Injury, Mobility needs, Chronic Fatigue, Chronic Pain, and am immunocompromised. I am disabled by the world around me, and I’m calling out its bullshit. Aroha mai, aroha atu. *Name changed for anonymity. Figures provided by StatsNZ, Trade Me and Wellington City Council.

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Sorry to Bother You :/ How students feel uncomfortable reaching out to landlords for repairs By Elena McIntyre-Reet

ew tenancy laws give tenants more power in their rental properties. What many students will tell you is that asking a landlord to follow these laws, can be pretty fucking terrifying. It’s become a part of student life to deal with mould on the walls, leaky roofs, and freezing temperatures. Students are expected to live in properties most landlords wouldn’t dream of putting themselves or their families in. As well as this, the rent they pay isn’t even covered by their StudyLink living costs, and it’s only getting more expensive. The flatting market gets more competitive every year, and students feel so lucky to have housing, that raising tenancy law violations with their intimidating landlord or dickhead property manager just feels like an unnecessary crusade. A huge part of getting ahead in the bloody battlefield that is the rental market is building up a good relationship with your landlord. Getting on their good side can ensure your lease gets renewed or you get a killer reference to use on future tenancy applications. To build up your reputation as a low maintenance, definitely-doesn’t-throw-parties tenant, you accept that your living situation is shit, without telling the landlord that it’s shit. Bringing up issues with your landlord, no matter the scale can be a daunting experience, you have no idea how they’re going to react or whether something will actually be done about the issue. Eva reached out to their university student association for advice after they discovered a rat infestation at their new flat. The overwhelming message they got from the SA was

to not tell the landlord. “They basically told us we would get blamed if we brought it up to the landlord, so we just brought rat poison with our own money and sorted it ourselves.” The responsibility of maintenance on a rental property falls on many students. Many tenants will take on the role of handyman, plumber, and electrician just to avoid approaching their landlord, as Caitlin, a fourth-year student, knows all too well. “We have a pretty steep set of concrete stairs outside our flat, with no handrail. When I reached out to our landlord he came back and said it had never been an issue with previous tenants. Instead of replying with building code laws and health and safety violations we ended up paying for one to get installed ourselves, to stay on our landlord’s good side.” It’s pretty clear that regardless of the problem, landlords will find a way to pin blame on the tenant. No student actually wants a rat infestation in their home. The issue of a handrail has probably never come up because no one has fallen to their death at the property yet. But in both of these experiences, students were made to feel like they were the problem, not the property. Any student in any university town will be able to tell you stories about their flats that would give any middle-class mum an anxiety attack. The relationship between students and landlords is never a harmonious one. I would so far as to describe it as pretty fucking turbulent. In theory, this relationship is mutually beneficial, tenants contribute to their income and in return, a landlord provides housing for them. The competitive nature of the flatting market means FEATURES

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landlords know they can take advantage of tenants because of how easy it would be to replace them. “They get away with treating us this way because no one can be bothered fighting them, students don’t have the time or money. My New Year’s resolution was to be 200% more Karen when it comes to tenancy stuff so I’m basically my property manager’s most hated tenant right now,” Eva says. It seems illogical for landlords to neglect their properties. In theory, a well-maintained property is likely to earn them more income over time and build up a relationship with tenants who you can keep around long term. One landlord is also confused by this. Jane, who owns multiple properties in a popular Wellington suburb, states she doesn’t understand landlords who let property maintenance get away from them. “It doesn’t make sense to me; you can claim part of your maintenance bills off of your taxes. I don’t see why you wouldn’t make the effort to hire tradesmen to complete basic maintenance on your property.”

has no problem with us looking elsewhere, in fact it would ‘make her more comfortable’ because then she could raise the room prices for new tenants. It was just so disgustingly frank. We quickly backed down, but it made us feel like we couldn’t even ask for the smallest of things, or we could face her ending the lease.” The range of new tenancy laws rolling in this year aims to make it easier for tenants to get what they need from landlords without being unfairly denied. Tenants cannot be stopped from making minor changes to their properties (within reason). This means you can chuck up your Etsy prints and edgy film posters with Blu-Tack, and not have to take them down for every inspection. Landlords can no longer refuse their tenants a fibre install unless it will incur personal cost to them. High quality streaming, baby! Most significantly, by July, all rentals must have some form of heating in them to keep houses warm and dry in the winter (fucking finally). If your landlord or property manager fails to follow these

“My New Year’s resolution was to be 200% more Karen when it comes to tenancy stuff so I’m basically my property manager’s most hated tenant right now” Jane says she has a very good relationship with her tenants and encourages them to come forward with anything that goes wrong at the property. She says it bothers her more when renters don’t inform her when something is amiss, and she finds out on her three-monthly inspections. Jane has kept many long-term tenants at a few of her properties, and credits this to the good relationship she forms with them. “If you follow the rules and treat them well, they tend to stick around. It’s like a marriage really, you come to an arrangement that benefits both of you.” Many students know that finding a landlord like Jane seems basically impossible. Having a landlord that actually wants to foster a good relationship with their tenants seems like a fairy tale. It’s obvious that there are good landlords out there, but they’re definitely an outlier in the experience of students.

rules, tenants are well within their rights to take them to the Tenancy Tribunal or receive financial compensation. The choice that more and more students will be faced with is whether or not pursuing issues with their landlords is worth the risk. There is always a chance that a landlord will decide not to renew your lease, or claim money out of your bond for ‘cleaning’ or ‘rubbish collection’, which students claim to have been struck with before. With stricter tenancy laws coming into play throughout the year, time will tell whether they do their job to protect tenants or if things will continue the way they are.

One student, Caroline, says she struggled with even getting her landlord to print out a tenancy bond form ahead of a flat inspection. “It’s literally a tiny bit of paper, and we don’t have a printer to print it out. She refused and we were like…. um, it’s your job.” In retaliation, the landlord responded “that FEATURES

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Active Citizenship

WHAT DOES YOUR DEGREE SAY ABOUT YOUR INTERIROR DESIGN CHOICES? BY CAMERON TAYLOR PSYCHOLOGY:

AVIATION: Now, we all know to get into aviation, you have to be hella smart. How do we know this? Because aviation students frame their dux certificate and hang it above their bed, hoping that the next person they do from behind will look at it the whole time. But, just because they’re dux, that doesn’t mean they’re boring. Baggies galore with traces of MDMA lie along their desk, because that’s the only drug that leaves their system quickly enough for their weekly drug tests. Think smarter, not harder.

Without coffee, psychology students simply cannot function. It’s just a fact at this stage. Therefore, their collection of reusable coffee cups is particularly impressive. You’d think as a pysch major, they would’ve figured out a way to train their brain to ALWAYS remember their reusable cup when they go out. But no, they always end up buying another one. And, let’s be honest, they probably keep their old prefect badges, their school leavers certificate, and their high school blazer to remember the ‘good old days’. Yup, they peaked in high school.

COMMUNICATIONS: Don’t tell a communications student that your favourite movie is the Smurfs, unless you want the most horrific glare of judgement staring you right in the face. They only watch ‘good movies’ - The Godfather, Pulp Fiction, Schindler’s List. Their movie taste is distinguishably presented on their walls through classic movie posters, with the above films guaranteed to be on show. Just like fine arts students, comms students live for the aesthetic. Another guaranteed - neon LED lights (with the colour according to their mood), and disposable cameras lying around (because phone camera shots aren’t pretentious enough to post on the gram). Except, what’s the fucking point of trying to be aesthetic when their single bed mattress doesn’t have a frame and they own one pillow?

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BUSINESS: It’s a given that every business student’s favourite film is gonna be the fucking ‘Wolf of Wall Street’. To remind them of why they absolutely froth being superior to everyone else as a business major, a shrine dedicated to the movie may be set up in the corner in all its glory. Of course, it’s go big or go home: life-size Leo DiCaprio cut-out, candles with all their favourite quotes they try to throw into as many conversations as possible, and a tasteful tapestry of Margot Robbie herself. They don’t care who sees it - if anyone judges, that’s just their ignorance about stockbroking showing, bro. But business students aren’t all work and no play… their gigantic bong will be proudly on display too.

VET: You should know someone is a vet student the second you enter their room, because they make it their entire personality. Their notes obnoxiously pinned and scattered across their entire back wall, because they’re dedicated and they need you to know it. A fucking cringe poster or cushion saying some shit like ‘I’m a vet tech, what’s your superpower?’ or ‘I can’t, I’m in vet school’. And, to top it off, very graphic diagrams and anatomy of animal intestines. We shouldn’t be grossed out by it, it’s natural. If you’re grossed out by it, you obviously don’t have what it takes to be a vet.

FINE ARTS: Every fine arts student likes to think they’re original, creative, and never seen before. Hate to break it to you, but if you’re a fine arts student and you think your room is super quirky, it’s probably just a carbon copy of everyone’s bedroom board on Pinterest. Your Vincent Van Gogh pillow doesn’t make you look that cultivated. We don’t care if your plants are real or fake, and having real ones isn’t that much more ‘aesthetically pleasing’. We’re not that impressed by the fact you read Rupi Kaur, everyone does. And you’re not an ‘old soul’ just because you own a vinyl record player, we all know it gets used probably once a month max when you’re feeling particularly eccentric.

NURSING:

AGRICULTURE:

Nursing students know how much stress affects your health more than anyone on the planet. And, they won’t stop reminding you of how a lot of stress comes from the state of one’s bedroom. Therefore, their room will be in perfect shape to lengthen their life. A salt lamp purely for medical benefits, a very organised whiteboard, no clutter in sight, and the colour white everywhere to soothe their soul. The slightest bit of mismatching shades would throw them into a frenzy. Can’t forget the vodka and wine bottles used as decoration even though, as nursing students, they should really know that alcohol isn’t good for them.

The word ‘culture’ is literally in the word, so you already know these folks are gonna be classy as fuck. You might be greeted by a collection of VB cans and Speight’s bottles stacked up, a beautiful exhibition of just how much piss they can sink on a Saturday night. A couple stolen road cones strewed along the carpet, another example of just how wild they are. And, of course, they don’t just stop at the stolen road cones. There’s usually a cheeky road sign hung up somewhere too, that’s just how rowdy they get.

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.............................................................................................................................................

...............................................................

Email:

Mobile:

.....................................................

Phone:

Please contact me if you have any questions.

The Tenancy Tribunal may order work to be done or make any other appropriate order. I can also ask the Tenancy Tribunal to terminate this tenancy.

If I don’t hear from you and you don’t remedy the situation by ....../....../...... (at least 14 days from but not including today*), I may apply to the Tenancy Tribunal.

................................................................................................................................................................

Please remedy this by doing the following:

................................................................................................................................................................

I am writing to let you know that you are in breach of your responsibilities as a landlord by:

Tenancy at:

Dear

Landlord’s name: Landlord’s address:

Date:

MASSIVE

For tenancy advice and information visit www.tenancy.govt.nz or call 0800 TENANCY (0800 836 262)

Note: Please ensure you keep a copy of this document for your own records

hand to landlord

fax to a facsimile number given as an additional address for service (*if sent by fax after 5pm, allow 1 extra working day from but not including today)

email to an email address given as an additional address for service (*if sent by email after 5pm, allow 1 extra working day from but not including today)

hand into letterbox (*allow 2 extra working days from but not including today)

mail (*allow 4 extra working days from but not including today)

Date: By (tick):

Delivery:

T141 09/14

.............................................................................................................................................

Yours sincerely

Address:

I Tried Looking for a Flat, and All I Got Was a Disgusting Amount of Luck By Liv Redman Photos by Callum Parsons

t’s been a shitty few months. I get it. It feels like no one wants us students in their houses or, the ones that do, want us to pay a cute fee of $250 excluding expenses for a dingey little shoebox (or, dare I say, a bedroom). For that price I can’t help but wonder… Surely that includes a free box of VBs every week? Massey halls, once an expensive option have now become, well, reasonably affordable considering the price of private flats. That’s how you know the world is fucked. Everyone can relate to the continuous circle of disappointment when you’ve booked three flat viewings for the afternoon after being to five the day before and applying for six that morning. You practically beg over Facebook messenger for the privilege of even attending a viewing, have to take time off work, and then you line up outside the house with the other sorry students. But wait – at the viewing there’s a gorgeous young couple with two polite kids drowning in airs and graces that look like they have a future in that home. To make matters worse, one of the bloody kids is making puppy eyes, and what the fuck is a student meant to do to compete? Suck the land agent off? I have had an eye-opening experience with the housing crisis in Wellington. Over the last month, I went to over 20 unsuccessful homes trying to find a flat and I got really sick of my TradeMe “what shithole do I want the most” list. I had my phone in my hand ready to call my dad to tell him I was going to turn down this very writing job and move

back home to Auckland. In that same moment, a property manager called me with words that took my stress levels from butt-clenching to extreme relaxation. “You’ve got the house.” This led me to the understanding that finding a home only comes with a disgusting amount of luck and some nice references. But fuck, why though? In Welly, the timeframe of being able to secure a house is heading into months before people are finding any luck. Even harder for those like Ryan, who has just finished his degree and can’t rely on StudyLink to help with the astronomical rental prices. “I was looking for a room for about a month,” says Ryan. “Me and my potential flatmates were looking at three-bedroom homes and were having no luck. Then one of my mates offered me his room at his current flat. I would’ve been stupid not to take it. The way to get a flat is to not be picky.” When being ‘picky’ is seen as a luxury, it leaves room for some landlords to take advantage of their upper hand. As the desperation to find a house increases, our expectations of what we want to live in have to go down. For some people, that means not living with basic living requirements in the fear of being kicked out, while on top of that, paying upwards of $220 for any room they can. Like most students, Hamish is expecting to be spending more money on rent than what StudyLink will pay out for the living loan each week. He’s living in his van until he can find a room. “[This year] I’ll be having Mi Goreng and cheap beer for dinner,” Hamish says. FEATURES

I had my phone in my hand ready to call my dad to tell him I was going to turn down this very writing job and move back home to Auckland. In that same moment, a property manager called me with words that took my stress levels from butt-clenching to extreme relaxation. “You’ve got the house.” Third-year communications student Poppy, has been forced to move into her parents’ home. Luckily for her, they still live in Wellington where she’s completing her degree. “I feel grateful that I have [my parents] as a backup, because I understand that there are others in worse situations. But I don’t want to sacrifice my independence in my student years just because of this housing scandal.” For people that aren’t as lucky as Poppy, moving back home often means studying over distance, which can be even more isolating. So, why has it been so much harder for students specifically to be able to find a home? The gist is that legally, landlords cannot discriminate against us, but they can if they don’t verbally say that they don’t want student tenants. Also, with the new tenancy laws that have been announced and come into place this month, it makes landlords eager to have more ‘reliable’ people to fill their homes. I always hand my assignments on time for the second requested extension, I think that’s more reliable than a piddly kid scribbling on the walls - don’t you? One of the new tenancy laws is that landlords cannot end a periodic tenancy without a substantial reason. If there is a

decent reason to end a tenancy (such as selling the house), tenants must be given 90 days’ notice, whereas it used to be only 42 days. An anonymous Auckland property owner explained why they’re hesitant more-so now than ever, to not have students occupy their homes. “Students are unpredictable and if you get a student in [your house] you’re now stuck with them if they turn out to be a bad tenant. Also, chances are, the damage that they’d make to the house are probably more than what the bond would cover. It’s best to get to know a landlord and butter them up first because knowing the person [that is going to rent your house] makes it easier.” To all you freshers, take heed! So, what does that leave us students with? Do we go to other cities and commute? Do we go live with our parents and study via distance? Hell, do we even bother doing a degree? All-in-all, if you’re still stuck trying to find a home, I wish you a disgusting amount of luck. The kind of luck that gets you a home without having to get on your knees for ol’ Kenny the property manager. FEATURES

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Imagine you could press a button, and all the money StudyLink has spent on your degree jumps straight into your pocket. You don’t get your qualification, but what about a house? Let’s take a look at what home you could buy with the debt you’ll accrue throughout a three year Massey degree in each campus city. I’ll be basing this on my own student loan, which is pretty much the standard: three years, max living costs, course costs each year and the paper fees. All-in-all it comes out at $50,000 for a recent graduate with no repayments. Apparently, with that money as a 10% deposit, that’s $500,000 right there. So how does a half-a-milliondollar home compare to the average student flat, and what sort of money would you be spending weekly on a 30-year mortgage? Let’s take a look at our options…

AUCKLAND Auckland… it’s not looking good for you kids. The best options I could find for a half-million (or less) are a one-bedroom apartment or a lovely empty plot of land an hour or two out of the city, perfect to park your car on to sleep in. We’ll stick with the apartment. It’s a good start with a pretty nice interior, but a 450k mortgage on a single bedroom? That’s a repayment price of $474.50 a week, although you’d be lucky to find a cheaper rental. Sucks for you in the big city, maybe stick to your degree.

FROM DEB DEPOSIT CULTURE

PALMERSTON NORTH

WELLINGTON

Palmerston North, oh what a treat. With affordable and quality housing, the only downside is you’ll be stuck in Palmy for 30 years. Not sure if that’s a trade-off I’d take, but with that backyard? I’d consider it. For a solid three-bedroom home, it’s a measly $158 per room, per week on a mortgage. Good onya Palmy, that is one more reason the city is worth staying in, second only to the fact that it’s a relatively short drive to Wellington.

Wellington, if you like the beautiful views of urban development and someone else’s living room, look no further. With a twobedroom apartment building just off Tory Street, your midnight trip for stoned snacks just got easier. You can brag to your mates about actual insulation and a kitchen that’s not 80 years old, sussed. At only $237 per room, per week, it’s probably better than paying the same amount for a Newtown shithole… Do you really need that Art degree?

Let’s be real, none of us are going to have $50,000 dollars lying around for a loan anytime soon, but it’s nice, albeit somewhat depressing, to dream a little. Half-a-million dollars sounds like a lot to someone who can barely afford groceries, but as far as housing goes it doesn’t get you far. Maybe ease up on the smashed avos? You’ll be a millionaire in no time.

BT TO BY LIAM MCGUIRE CULTURE

James Warrender whole grind of being an artist, or I spend my time pattern making and I start making collections. I want to bring art into my [fashion] collection and combine the two, that’s where I could be a creative director for my own brand. How did you go about getting exposure and motivation for art in a small town like Matamata? I never really got exposure until I moved to Cambridge and met other people who had similar ideas. When I moved to Welly I thought that I was in New York! I was like, “Woah this is a big city, this is awesome.” I met all the alty kids and I think just being around other creative people you feed off each other, you tell them what you want to do, and that motivates you too. When you’re starting a new piece, how do you get your inspiration? I have stages where I don’t know what to paint and then I’ll borrow someone’s ideas and just put it into my own ideas. I just get into it and as I go, my characters start to appear. My art’s all real big paintings, I want people to have a statement on their wall, so I will ry create a scene. Your summer sounds like it has been a paint-drenched monsoon! What have you been up to?

Interviewed by Liv Redman Photographs by Liam McGuire Welly-based Fashion student and entrepreneur, James Warrender, sat down with Massive to chat about his grind of doing a degree in pattern-making while trying to crack the New Zealand art scene. Over the summer, James went to stay with his eccentric mentor in Hamilton to paint for him and get some exposure amongst some elites. The pair hosted a successful exhibition for his paintings, discovering a whole new world of sales. A threshold that’s often difficult for the prototypical artist. Fortunately, James is a fucking prodigy. Hey James! Who the hell are you? Hey! I’m an artist from Matamata, I like to see myself as a creative director who has a 5- year plan with a goal of being a full-time creative director whether it be through art, patternmaking, or design. I am in my last year of studying fashion design – pattern-making, just learning how to make and manipulate patterns. Those are very different forms of art, how do you separate your time to do them all? I’m still trying to merge them all at the moment because either I dedicate myself to doing art full-time and I do that

Yeah! For five weeks I was in a studio space up in Hamilton and had a great mentor who’s guided me on the what-not’s to do in the art industry. For someone who’s not studying art, I haven’t been exposed to much of the business-side of how to actually make a living of art. At my exhibition, meeting people and being able to talk face-to-face about my paintings to them and see them enjoy it – those were nice moments. Learning how to run an exhibition was quite a learning curve. Do you find that your paintings can inspire your patternmaking? Weirdly, I’ve found that I love doing more shapes. I’ve always thought that would be really cool if when I pattern-make to make a real crazy dress with bold shapes like triangles and intricate patterns. I never thought I’d do fashion, I always thought I would do fine arts. What made you decide to sway with the fashion over fine arts? Someone told me that it was a waste of time and they got stuck in my head. The more people I saw doing it [fine arts] I just got more drawn to fashion which is what’s got me to put paint on clothes. Where can we see more of your art? You can find my work on my Instagram @warrenderjames_ skrt and this year I will be having another exhibition before July in Wellington ~ watch this space! CULTURE

CULTURE

MASSEY UNIVERSITY GYM HINE REHIA

SOCIAL SPORT NETBALL VOLLEYBALL SOCCER REGISTER BY THURS 4 THTH MARCH

massey.ac.nz/socialsport

OPINION: ALBANY’ S CHICKEN WING STATUE IS SEXY AND I DON’ T CARE WHO KNOWS IT Listen up. There’s been a lot of conversation about that infamous statue, like: is it art? (Idk, maybe?) Is it worth its $90,000 price tag? (Yeah, definitely not). But no one is talking about the single most important aspect of the piece: it’s so fucking sexy. Don’t kink shame me, this is definitely not a me issue. This is a Massey University issue, toying with us in their coy, slutty ways. They know what they’re doing, those sick fucks. For those who are out of the loop, the statue was installed in 2014 to commemorate the 50th anniversary of Massey. It’s meant to pay homage to the agricultural background of Massey, as well as the land of the campus, which was previously a site of chicken farming. Oh, and it’s by artist Reuben Paterson. Checks out, right? But let’s dig a little deeper…. Where do I even begin? Let’s start with the shape. The wing resembles a muscled torso, with a flirtatious little leg pop going on. It’s deliberately provocative, spread-eagle on the patio. There’s something about the angle that’s fondly reminiscent of Margot Robbie’s iconic scene in The Wolf of Wall Street. You know which one. I feel like the chicken wing is wearing 4-inch heels and telling me “And you know what Daddy? Mummy is just so sick and tired of wearing panties. In

fact, she’s decided to throw them all away.” Oh Margot. From the back, sits a nice little ass. Firm, poised. The wing is not only sexy, it knows it’s sexy. It has confidence, which is perhaps the sexiest thing of all. Then the texture! I mean really! Did they really fucking have to sculpt veins into the wing? How fucking phallic can you get? The top of the wing is a hybrid cross between a clitoris and a foreskin and I can’t look away. Its creases sensuously folding into hidden layers, inviting the observer deeper, deeper within. A sexy little chicken wing, longing to be eaten. Devoured. There’s no niceties here; no knife and fork-play. You use your hands, and tongue, and dig right in. It’s greasy and you know it’s bad for you, but you just want it, baby! Another touch, another bite. Some might say its finger-licking good. Oh, and on top of everything: the chicken wing is called “The Golden Promise.” Tell me that’s not the best stripper name ever. Does Massey university take us for fools?? We can read between the lines. We know what’s happening. And honestly, we’re not mad about it. Every time I look at the wing, I see something different. It’s the Superman of sexual imagery. Is it a dick? Is it a leg? Is it a vagina? No, it’s a fucking chicken wing. And it’s sexy. I rest my case.

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Sexcapades Okay so this is fucking embarrassing but here it goes: recently, when fucking my boyfriend, I’ve been picturing my lecturer. I don’t know why, but it gets me mega horny, like water-slide “did I just piss the bed” levels. I cum like a miniature horse just thinking about his grey head of hair, his tight little ass in those ill-fitting jeans. My boyfriend is nice, and the regular sex was nice during covid. Nice, nice, nice. A boyfriend in this economy is tough! I’m not about to blow it for a 40-year-old man that probably has a wife and kids. But that doesn’t mean a girl can’t dream. My lecturer.... well fuck. I picture him spanking me in-front of the class, bending my knees, then my ass. He slips a pencil inside of me. Turning it, slowly. In and out, my ass is an electric pencil sharpener. His pencil is so fucking tight. I can feel him peeling his shavings inside of me. It’s so fucking hot. In another scenario, we’re in a tutorial room. I stay behind to ask a question about the homework on Blackboard.

He eats me out on the photocopier, spelling out the test answers with his tongue. I’m pretty sure my boyfriend might have noticed something is going on, because I nearly said my lecturer’s name in bed the other day, but I tried to cover it up with a coughing fit. I don’t know what to do if it happens again, it’s so embarrassing. All my friends think he’s old. How do I explain that sexy doesn’t have an expiration date?? I don’t know why I’m even confessing this, but recently I can’t stop thinking about him. I was hoping the summer break would help but...no luck. I have his class next week and I feel like I might spontaneously cumbust when I see him. I haven’t even been doing well in the class!! Fuck me, I’ve been landing C’s, a B if I’m lucky. But maybe what I really want is the D. Got a confession, a naughty tale, a sexy story? Email sexcapades@massivemagazine.org.nz to submit yours xoxox COLUMNS

Swap it Like it’s Hot Skincare Edition Two people swap routines for a week. Will it work? Who the fuck knows! KRONK

YZMA

My routine for the week –

My routine for the week -

Skin by Ecostore NZ Marine Bioactives, purifying cleanser

Pure Welly tap water

The Ordinary Squalane, face oil

Face cloth

The Ordinary Niacinamide + Zinc, blemish formula

Lip Balm

The Ordinary Buffet peptide formula, face serum

My routine is my pride and joy, so this hurt my soul, and my face. My partner has watched me over the years lather myself up, and drip in potions, lotions and balms. I knew we had to try a swap, sooner or later; and I managed to convince them to spend a lil extra time on their skin. They usually do fuck all except for a (maybe) twice a day face rinse. Nothing else, no sunscreen, moisturiser, or even a lil oil pulling to calm me down at the end of a long day.

Skin by Ecostore NZ Marine Bioactives, light moisturiser Lip balm Yes, I’ll admit, waking up in the morning and seeing glowing, pimple free skin was a great feeling, BUT… How does one keep track of the near endless bottles, tinctures and lotions? Of the 8 or more tiny vials presented to me for facial application, I could not discern between most, even if my life depended on it. The only one of them I could vaguely recognise was moisturiser. And even that’s a stretch. I have to say, watching the blackheads slowly dissipate from my skin with 10 minutes of rubbing and some potion I can’t pronounce was incredible satisfying. But the endless repetition of “hey babe, can you get me that bottle? No, not that one, the small white one.... No, the OTHER small white one... NO!” (etc etc) is a ritual I shan’t be missing. After all, how hard is it to find tap-water, a rag and some good ol’ fashion scrubbing? I have spent many years creating a delicate routine the perfect balance between minimal energy and minimal time and I won’t have it compromised by 6-10 $80 bottles, which you can only use 1 drop at a time. Once the week finally came to a close, I felt the familiar sweet, sweet relief of unnecessary exfoliation and bare minimum energy. I will miss: Feeling, for once, that I don’t want to tear off my own skin I won’t miss: The 20 minutes of application. Not popping pimples. The EFFORT (and expense) that comes with applying droplets of these tiny tinctures Overall: 5/10, Oiling your face is an enjoyable sensation, but I’m far too lazy to do it long-term

Cutting back on my morning and night routine saved me a solid 20 minutes each time, but did I spend that precious minutes more wisely? Nah, but it gave me a reason to sleep in longer. I would stumble into the bathroom 5 minutes before I needed to be somewhere and in like 30 seconds, I was ready. I did feel the need to tell people. “Oh, I don’t usually look like this, it’s for an article!!” Whatta joke that I felt the need to tell people I wasn’t doing the bare minimum on purpose. I was hoping they would validate me with a “good for you” or “you look great!” but uh they just gave me pitiful looks. Using the raggedy face cloth covered in lint was the only time I actually felt halfway good. I have discovered that scrubbing is cathartic. I scrubbed at every pore in my face, stopping only when inflamed pink was an even colour everywhere. As I reached the end of the week, I had no major epiphanies, just that I like the ritual of skincare, and I’m willing to spend BANK on it. I will miss: Having absolutely nothing on my skin. It was kinda liberating in a weird way to feel so detached from my face. I won’t miss: The irreparable damage I’ve probably done. Overall: 2/10, I can’t wait to smear all those goos all over my face again. COLUMNS

Culinarylingus By Liv Redman

KOMBUCHA/BEER CRÊPES Let’s be real, no one here is traveling across the globe, so here I am to bring a bit of France to you this week BUT with a TWIST! Not only do these flat-fuckers taste good, they’ve got pro- biotics in them (if you use the kombucha instead of the beer) so they’re kinda… healthy? I make these often because they’re cheap, easy, and you don’t have too many dishes to clean up after. Yes, this is an original recipe that I made up on the spot, and I have been told that my cooking is questionable, but trust me it works and they tasted great according to the three men in my House. Plus even if they taste shit, hopefully the beer ones can still give you a quick buzz. Ingredients 1 cup of flour ¼ cup of brown sugar ¾ cup of kombucha OR beer of your flavour choice 3 tbsp butter – melted 2 eggs (or 2 egg replacements) 1tsp vanilla essence 1 cup of milk So here’s the recipe… 1. Slap some flour and brown sugar in a big bowl. Add the kombucha (I used raspberry lemonade flavour) or beer and whisk it all in with a fork/whisk/fancy machine.

damn heat down.

2. Add the melted butter and mix that shite in followed by the eggs, vanilla essence and milk.

6. Get a ladle in that spunk-like concoction and pour in the middle of the pan. Move the pan around to get a nice circular shape with the mixture. Presentation is key.

3. Once that’s all mixed in, the consistency should be runny like spunk. If not, add more milk.

7. Once the crepe is no longer looking runny in the pan, flip it. Keep cooking and flipping till

4. Get your Kmart/Warehouse non-stick fry-pan out and put it on a mediumish heat. 5. Put some butter in the pan, wait for it all to melt and maybe even bubble a bit? If the butter’s burning within 10 seconds of having it in the pan, you’re doing it wrong… turn the

each side is browned to your liking, then put on a plate. You know how to cook a pancake, we can be real here. 8. Voilà, a crêpe on a plate. Add whatever you like on-top. Ham and cheese is a nice savory option! COLUMNS

SNIP, SNOP, SNAP SEND US YOUR SNAPS TO GET FEATURED IN NEXT WEEK’S EDITION

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COLUMNS

Presidents’ Columns

ASA: BEN AUSTIN

MAWSA: TESSA GUEST

MUSA: FATIMA IMRAN

Kia Ora everyone, my name is Ben Austin, and I am the President of the Albany Students Association (ASA) on the Albany Campus (Hopefully that location was obvious). I would just like to say welcome to Massey University, and we hope to see you up in the ASA Lounge. We have 36 incredible clubs who cover pretty much all aspects from investing in the Game Stop squeeze to our Ultimate Frisbee Club and their competitions. So, whatever hobbies or activities you are into, the ASA will have something for you; and if we don’t, you can start your own club.

Kia ora tātou! If you’re new, I’m Tessa, ya MAWSA prez for 2021. If you’re old, hey sweetie xx So how was your summer? I spent mine zipzapping around the North motu, but before long I was back in the office planning a killer year for you bozos! MAWSA’s been cooking up some FANTASTIC plans to bring you some fun & fight for your rights. Wanna get involved? Nominate yourself for Sustainability & Wellbeing Officer! A sick role up for grabs - check the web for more info. Anyway, Massive only gave me 100 words so love ya long time & pleasedropbysooooon <3

Assalamualaikum everyone! Hope you all are doing well during these tough times. I am Fatima Imran, and I am your MUSA president for 2021. Firstly, I would like to welcome those returning back to Palmerston North, for the next chapter of your education. I hope that you come back to Massey feeling refreshed and inspired to work hard to achieve new heights. Secondly, I would like to welcome those who are new to life at the Massey Manawatu campus. I know coming to a foreign place is intimidating but remember you’re not alone and we are all here to help. My office is in the MUSA offices by the dining hall so feel free to come up and have a chat as my door is always open.

M@D: JACALYN CLARE AND JAX WATT M@dness is almost over and we’re just weeks away from Semester 1. So, we know it’s about that time when students are either trying to get ahead with their studies or enjoying their final days of freedom. “What’s M@D?” you may be asking. Well, Massey@ Distance is the distance students association, here to ensure distance voices are acknowledged and heard. The Co-Presidents, Jacalyn and Jax, have been busy with regional and online orientations for Massey students. We’ve enjoyed meeting so many of the people we represent and look forward to engaging with you all in the futurethrough Massive, as well as online through our website and social media platforms: www.mad.ac.nz

OPENING HOURS: LUNCH 11:30AM - 3:00PM (MONDAY - SUNDAY) DINNER 5:00PM - 8:30PM (MONDAY - SATURDAY) @phomonz

62 Dixon St, Te Aro, 6011, Wellington

COLUMNS

PUZZLE PAGE ACROSS

DOWN

1 Came across a record concerning journalist (10)

1 Pretty girl gets some food (4)

6 Language of old city belonging to the French (4) 9 They’ll get wrongly blamed for heading off escape by animals (10) 10 There’s potato in Mum’s pudding (4) 12 Style of cooking providing contrasts (53-4) 15 Country-loving Irishman in charge of containing disturbance (9) 17 Giving note to terrorists makes one angry (5)

QUICK QUIZ!

1. What are the names of the four characters from Sex and the City?

main

2. Which beer’s marketing slogan is “Pride of the South”? 3. What is the capital city of Indonesia? 4. Who is the deputy prime minister of New Zealand? 5. How many litres of beer go into a yard glass or “yardie”?

Print the sudoku puzzle

2 Animal found in sea location (4) 3 Fat little Edward is biased (12) 4 The First Lady touring Oklahoma will awaken memories (5) 5 The thresholds of delights (9) 7 Heartless robbers go off with a pet. The villains! (10) 8 Below, below, below (10) 11 Managed to get clergyman in dead awkward situation (12)

18 One who latches on to another is a sucker (5)

13 They are seeking work after demolition of aspic plant (10)

19 Sailor’s intent perhaps is to be selfrestrained (9)

14 Steam railway takes on head of Railtrack to improve efficiency (10)

20 A comment sure upset in due proportion (12)

16 To perform in a different key, one’s parts must be arranged (9)

24 Man told to get on his knees? (4) 25 Boundary rope may produce such a decision (10) 26 E.g. dogs returning from walk (4)

21 Went on horseback round cowboy show (5) 22 Junk mail from the capital (4) 23 Nothing but a lake (4)

17/02/21, 3:46 PM

Sudoku.cool 2 7

6 5

1 9

2 4

3 1 Sudoku , Easiest , Puzzle NO. 2572553

5 5

27 Not quite one’s best friend on the ship (6,4)

Bond Bunkbeds Damp Flat Fuck Greedy Help Housing crisis I hate it here Landlord Mortgage Mouldy Rent Shithole Studylink Take the bins out

Sudoku

ANSWERS 1. Carrie, Samantha, Charlotte, Miranda 2. Speights 3. Jakarta 4. Grant Robertson 5. 1.4 litres Sudoku Today ( https://sudoku.today ) Samurai Sudoku ( https://samuraisudoku.com ) Newdoku ( https://newdoku.com ) Sudoku Puzzle ( https://www.sudokupuzzle.org )

https://sudoku.cool/sudoku/printable.php?id=MGjuU13XMijnUY1uM1wO0O0OO0O0O

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COLUMNS

HOROSCOPES

Aquarius:

Aries::

Invest in command strips this week. We get it, you’re edgy and you love The 1975. But, hanging up posters of them with Blutack all over your room means there’s no way you’re getting your flat bond back. If you wanna look quirky, just get a septum piercing or something.

We know you like to be direct. Don’t be shy - tell your flatmates that their passiveaggressive messages into the group chat are bullshit. Demand them to say it with their full chest, or to say nothing at all.

Cancer:

Capricorn:

No, your landlord’s slightly harsh tone during your flat inspection isn’t an excuse to sob in your room. Wipe those tears, and remember that everyone fucking hates landlords anyway.

Hey, it’s actually normal to show emotions. You don’t need to be mysterious 24/7, cos you’re so fucking hard to read and it’s exhausting. If you feel like having a good cry on the piss this Saturday, PLEASE just fucking do it so we know you’re not a robot.

Gemini:

Leo:

Stop pouring your crackhead energy into fights with the flatties, and channel it into hosting fucking mean kick-ons instead.

Have you EVER heard of being quiet during sex??? The entire flat doesn’t need to hear you preaching to the Lord with every onenight stand you bring home. Shut the fuck up.

Libra:

Pisces:

Even though your zodiac sign is literally represented by a symbol of scales, you’re the most unbalanced person in your current living situation. Put on some SZA and try to align your chakras, we’re all worried.

Go on, go order that burger on Uber Eats. Even if you’ve already Ubered maccas for breakfast! You deserve it. It’s hard being a Pisces. What a shit life. Go spend $24 on delivered food and wait for better days.

Sagittarius:

Scorpio:

Don’t try to be fun and creative in the kitchen this week. You’re never satisfied, so you’re just gonna spend way too much money for nothing. Stick to your pasta and rice.

Your flatmate will find your meticulous 6-month plan to ruin their life over a dirty dish left in the sink. Burn it now while you have the chance.

Taurus:

Virgo:

There’s no need to be so stubborn, baby. Just hang up the wet bath mat after you’re done showering. Yes, even if the flatmate you despise told you to. Do it for your own gratification.

Your crush will stop texting you back. You’ll hook up with a close friend and things will get awkward. Honestly, it’s going to be a wild week all round, just make sure to use protection. Or at the very least, some Gladwrap and a rubber band.

COLUMNS

Massive Magazine Issue 01 2021

Articles inside

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