Massive Magazine Issue 24 2021 by Massive Magazine

MASSIVE

ISSUE 24

OCTOBER 11/2021

Table of Contents 06 10 14 16 18 19 20 22 26 28 30 32 38 39

News Fantastic Fetishes Where Did All the Pranks Go? Religion and Queerness University to Office How to Survive Exams Centrefold Period Blues Badges of (dis)Honour Sexcapades Snaps Puzzles Horoscopes Puzzle Answers

23 10

EDITOR Caroline Moratti

PHOTOGRAPHER Callum Parsons

SUB EDITOR Jamie Mactaggart

ILLUSTRATORS Tallulah Farrar, Sara Moana

NEWS EDITOR James Pocock STAFF WRITERS Cameron Taylor, Elena McIntyreReet, Ari Prakash, Mason Tangatatai, Michael Freeman DESIGNER Micah Davis-Rae

Got a letter to the Editor? Email editor@massivemagazine.org.nz to rant, flirt, complain, whatever x

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those of Massey University, its staff, ASA, MUSA, MAWSA, M@D or the Massive Editor. MAWSA is an independent organisation that publishes Massive. Send any queries or complaints directly to Massive at editor@ massivemagazine.org.nz. EW is subject to the New Zealand Press Council. If a complainant is not satisfied with the response, the complaint may be referred to the Press Council: info@ presscouncil.org.nz or online via presscouncil.org.nz.

Editorial

WELL THIS IS IT, MY LAST EDITORIAL.

Hello, friends. What a year it’s been. The last issue of Massive! Can you believe it? Firstly, I want to give a huge shout out to the Massive staff this year: Cam, Elena, Ari, Mason, Michael, Tallulah, Callum, James, Sara, and Jamie. You guys are fucking awesome, and it’s been a dream to work with such gifted, cool folks. A special shout out must go to Micah, our unbelievably talented designer, who had to put up with me leaving coffee cups everywhere for an entire year and taking up permanent residence on our office couch. I couldn’t have done this year without you. Your font choices are the highlight of my week. Anyone who volunteered for us, thank you. I loved reading each and every one of your stories. Thank you to everyone for helping make Massive what it is. This has been my fourth and final year working in student media. From the second I started, working as a very scared, very small Critic Te Arohi writer, I’ve loved it. Where else can you flirt with politicians, uncover scandals and write shitty dating columns, all in one swoop? Student media is special. Especially in an age where print media is more and more rare, how fucking cool is it that we get to print a magazine every week? Students get to create art, investigate stories, and little by little this magazine takes shape. Every week, just when I think “oh God, we’re totally screwed”, something surprises me and the next thing I know, I’m holding our latest issue in my hands. It’s really nothing short of miraculous. The truth is, student media helped get me through some messy years of university. In my first year, I felt stuck, disconnected at my hall of residence. Lonely, really. I didn’t go clubbing, I didn’t go to house parties. I stayed inside and watched romcoms: cool, right? People outside were living these big experiences, making friends for life, and…well, I wasn’t. To this day I’ve still never been to a Castle Street party, or pissed up on St Patrick’s Day. I stopped going to classes, and even cut myself a fringe, which is how you really know I was goin’ through it. But through student media, I got to talk to cool people who were living life. Whether it was selling underwear online or buying drugs off Tinder, I wrote their stories. And eventually wrote my own too, from starting a cooking column with my best friend to attempting the horrors of online dating. I carved out a little world for myself, page by page. I made friends, some of the best illustrators and writers and photographers I’d ever met. We’d get drunk on old couches and write some shitty horoscopes together. Eat dumplings and read letters from angry landlords. Watch the students go by, copies of our words and pictures in their grasp. That’s not to say that this year hasn’t been without its stresses. I’ve made editorial mistakes, we’ve fucked up the crossword more times than we can count at this point. Covering each campus, each association, was hard, and I struggled with the pressure to do justice for all the students, far and wide. We received our fair share of criticism; some justified, some not, but at the end of it all, we finally got here: Issue 24.

It’s been a rocky road. I’ve probably made enemies for life, which I’ll try to think of as a badge of honour. At the very least, in the event of my demise, the police will have a good list of suspects to go off. But yet, every week, someone will send in a snapchat of their fridge covered in our centrefolds and it makes me smile like nothing else. So, thank you, to the weirdos who read us every week. You’ve made one prematurelyageing 23-year-old girl very happy. This year we turned Massive from fortnightly to weekly, and started to be a little bit bolder in our views, our humour. If nothing else, we probably used the word “fuck” more in one issue than all of the previous years combined. I know some people haven’t enjoyed our new vibe, and that’s okay. Because next year something new will come, and the year after too. Massive will keep evolving and changing, and I can’t wait to see where it goes. That’s the beauty of it all. If you’re looking for a sign to get involved in Massive, this is it. Student media has undoubtedly changed my life for the better. I got paid to write! And give my shitty opinions on things! And work with the best of the best. I wish all the luck in the world to the new editor, whoever they may be. Maybe it’ll be you! Applications are open on Seek and I heartily encourage everyone to apply. As for me? I’ll be moving up to Auckland as you read this, ready to try my hand at something different. Stepping out into the adult world is daunting, especially for someone who likes to sleep in til midmorning and owns an embarrassing amount of sweatpants. But I’ll never forget this year, and all the fun we had along the way. You Massey kids are really fucking cool, you know that right? Like nothing else. I love you guys. Now go enjoy our last issue. I hope enjoy it as much as we did making the damn thing. X Caroline

Letters to the Editor

EMAIL EDITOR@MASSIVEMAGAZINE.ORG.NZ TO HAVE YOUR SAY If you have a complaint about Massive, please email editor@massivemagazine.org.nz. If you feel unsatisfied with the response, email complaints@massivemagazine.org.nz to pursue your complaint further. Massive Magazine is also subject to the New Zealand Press Council.

Dear Library Sexcapade Crusader, (of issue 23 fame) If you were in the wellington campus library, I think that might have been me in the stall next to you and your library biddie... :’( It’s not that I heard any noise from you, in fact that’s exactly why I think I’m your accidental cockblock. Only after I rushed into that stall and my ass let loose my atomic bomb of a shit (expired oat milk, who would have thought!) and a complete choral serenade of farts, only then did i realise the other cubicle was occupied and really REALLY quiet. Oddly quiet. Like, girls in intermediate wanting to open a pad but not wanting anyone to know they’re opening a pad type quiet... And although I wanted to hold off on the rest of my delivery until you had left, I realised you were clearly not leaving until I did, though I didn’t know why... so much for taking bathroom mirror pics of my new haircut with the post-shit skinnies. Once again, so sorry for interrupting your romantic getaway. Believe me, if I had known two fellow sexcapade freaks like me were living the dream I would have left immediately, maybe lent you a condom, or a snack! My heart breaks for you </3 Keeping my fingers crossed that you’re reunited with your toilet tryst, Your apologetic sexcapade cumrade. xoxo P.S, If you WEREN’T in the wellington library.... Well then this is just a public apology to whoever heard me destroying that toilet bowl.

MASSIVE NEWS

MUSAF SLA gets delayed AGAIN “I have no idea what you’re talking about,” says student JAMES POCOCK

NATIONAL NEWS

Details for the Massey students’ associations Service Levy Agreements (SLA) merger are still being finalized, meaning the single agreement won’t begin until next year. Despite months of initially promising that student execs will merge SLAs at the start of the second semester, the merge was subsequently delayed until September after concerns were voiced from Massey. This new announcement marks the second time that the SLA merger’s deadline has been pushed further back, despite the arrangement being in the works for 10 years.

The SLA merge would mean that, where each executive previously submitted different proposals for funding from Massey and received different funding accordingly, the executives would now submit one combined SLA and receive a pool of funding to be divvied up amongst themselves at executive discretion. MAWSA President Tessa Guest said that the university supports most parts of MUSAF single SLA proposal in theory, although she is unable to go into further detail while the process is ongoing. “We’ve been in continual conversations with them smoothing out the details and won’t be entering into the single agreement until the start of next year, which will allow us time to sort those out. We’ve also had affirmation that the university will provide more support to our Māori and Pasifika representatives as part of these changes,” she said. NEWS

Pasifika associations gain another two MUSAF seats in consultation

Manawatū campus to receive pop-up vaccine clinic Be wise, immunise!

CAROLINE MORATTI JAMES POCOCK

NATIONAL NEWS

A proposal for a full organisational merge between the students’ associations recently went to consultation with students, which has led to Pasifika students’ associations gaining another two seats in the voting structure of MUSAF. Tessa Guest, MAWSA President, said there was strong support for the proposed changes, which included better Māori and Pasifika representation.

MANAWATŪ NEWS

Starting this week, Covid-19 vaccinations will be available on the Manawatū campus, in partnership with MidCentral District Health Board. Bookings are not required, according to Massey, and “vaccinations are available to all staff, students, contractors and whānau, regardless of whether this is the first or second dose”.

“There were also concerns voiced about only two out of three Pasifika association representatives being present on the board. We responded to this by creating two more seats so all 10 general, Māori and Pasifika associations could be represented,” she said.

There will be two locations on the Manawatū campus to receive vaccines. Concourse will be open from 9am to 2pm on Tuesday 12 October for vaccinations, whilst Rehab Road will be open from 9am to 2pm on Wednesday 13 October. Students that Massive spoke to said “they were sure to check it out” and that the no-booking system was “sweet”.

MUSAF acts as an umbrella which connects Massey’s students’ associations. The current MUSAF structure awards each association one vote each, after a move this year to extend voting powers to the three Māori associations. Overall, there are seven votes in total.

As for the Wellington campus, Massey says, “Discussions are currently under way for vaccination options on the Wellington campus and we will provide further information when we can.”

The new proposal sees a total of 16 votes, after an initial proposal of 14. Five votes will be distributed to the local general students’ associations, consisting of a general chair, M@D, MUSA, MAWSA and ASA. Seven votes will be distributed to the local Māori students’ associations, consisting of a Māori chair, Manawatahi, Te Waka o Ngā Akonga, Kōkiri Ngātahi, a Distance Māori rep and two further Māori reps. Four votes will also be distributed to local Pasifika student associations, consisting of a Pasifika chair and three Pasifika reps.

Over in Auckland, a vaccination centre is already available on the Oteha Rohe site for Albany students, but bookings are “essential” according to Massey.

Feedback regarding representation was a big concern for many students in the consultation according to Tessa, with many requesting for other communities to have their own board seats.

JAMES POCOCK

“Whilst we wholeheartedly agree that there are key voices to be heard, we are pushing the limit with numbers of board members, and believe it is paramount to capture each voice that currently has a seat.” She said the work is constantly evolving, and MUSAF is open to continue working with students. Consultation will continue to be developed in the coming year.

Students continue to mostly “tolerate” online classes I too, mostly tolerate the idea of classes at all NATIONAL NEWS

While dissatisfied rumbling has continued online from Massey students about the state of schooling, many others seem to have begrudgingly accepted their online classes. A recent Stuff article interviewed Massey students, many of whom talked about a possible fees rebate or a return to in-person labs and workshops. Some thought that online classes were damaging the quality of education that students were receiving, and that a blanket approach to NEWS

online learning was “difficult”. MAWSA Academic Officer Phoebe Bertelsen said MAWSA had not received much feedback about online classes despite those vocal online and in the media, although the feedback they had received was mostly negative.

Nude Vet calendar gone for good “Booo” said students. “Baaa” said sheep.

“From peers and the students who have spoken at our various feedback sessions we’ve found that although most Massey students feel negatively towards most classes staying online, they are understanding of the situation we are in and the decisions made around the current alert levels,” she said. She said the situation was outside of anybody’s control, and there was still campus access available to everyone it was essential for. “I definitely think that more classes in person would be beneficial for students’ motivation but found that when I came into class, due to social distancing rules, it was easier and more efficient to do the class online.” She was unsure however of which courses outside of CoCA were operating with a blended learning approach. A student who wished to remain anonymous said they had felt negatively about the change but hadn’t spoken out about it anywhere. “I mean, the university seems pretty set in their decision anyway, don’t they? So, I don’t really see the point of complaining to the student associations, although that could be because I am lazy too,” they said. New Zealand Union of Students’ Associations National President Andrew Lessells told Stuff, “Students didn’t pay to have their papers taught entirely by distance. If they signed up as internal students, they signed up so they could be on a campus and learning on a campus.”

JAMES POCOCK

MANAWATŪ NEWS

This year will be the first time Massey’s Vet School does not produce its signature “Barely There” calendar as part of its fundraising for halfway day. The class of 2023 were first told near the beginning of 2020 that they would not be allowed to produce the calendar after a controversy over another vet school’s nude calendar in the UK. Near the end of 2019, the Royal Veterinary College (RVC) landed in hot water with online vegan activists for its own nude calendar, which featured naked vets posed holding sheep. Some commenters believed the pictures were animal cruelty. One post referred to the pictures as “bestiality”, and the school and students received personal threats online. The controversy led to RVC removing the offending parts of the calendar. The Massey Vet School’s decision to stop doing the Barely There calendar only a few months later was made to protect Massey’s vet students from being at risk of being attacked. The calendar had been a yearly tradition for about 15 years, with a portion of proceeds going to different charities. Vet student Eloise said it was a shock to hear the news. “We were the first year not allowed to do the naked vet calendar which was kinda upsetting because it’s such a tradition,” Eloise said. Vet student Kiana said she was looking forward to the calendar and she was angry it was cancelled. “It’s pretty much gone. We tried suggesting doing the calendar in togs or minimal clothing, but they still said no,” Kiana said. The class have made alternative fundraisers to make up for it, including the sale of handmade masks, art, and tea towels. NEWS

LETS WELCOME IN THE NEW RAINBOW Have your say and vote on a name for the work Massey does for its takatāpui and rainbow communities.

Keep your eye out for the survey link on Massey and your student association socials in the coming weeks! Further information email rainbow@massey.ac.nz

FANTASTIC FETISHES (AND WHERE TO FIND THEM) WORDS BY MICHAEL FREEMAN ILLUSTRATION BY SARA MOANA

We’ve all been browsing where we shouldn’t be late at night and come across something that piques our curiosity, right? Maybe you have a three pump look and then close the browser, feeling slightly disgusted with yourself but with no regrets... or so you tell yourself. But what if, and bear with me here, you didn’t close that incognito tab? What if instead you joined a social network of 10 million people that caters exclusively to those carnal desires? And what if you decided to go to a bar and meet a group of these people, slightly inebriated and without the friend who said they would accompany you? What if indeed.

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“Consent is very important, like without it we couldn’t really do this. Everyone is super respectful and those who aren’t are known and avoided. People talk, you know.” Our parents always told us that it is dangerous to meet up with strangers from the internet in case they are not who they say they are, or they have some unorthodox sexual interests. So, I proceeded to ignore every part of that advice and meet some anonymous strangers in a bar with the express intent of talking to them about their sex lives. This was a weekly thing, with regular people attending, open to anyone who stumbled across it and wanted to come. Of course, I was a little nervous but everyone I met was extremely welcoming. I chose my seat carefully and as soon as I sat down, I was asked, “So what are your fetishes?” I was a little taken aback and mumbled something about something while looking down into my beer. Then the more experienced people started talking and I was no longer nervous. One person said they were into impact play. When pressed further they said they “liked to leave marks. It’s like making art, creating something you know. You have sex and then there is something

you’ve made at the end.” Another person said they liked rope play. “I like being tied up more than tying someone, but it’s fun to learn the knots and stuff. We do classes sometimes where you can come along and learn how to tie each other up. It’s not super sexual, a lot of people like it for the art.” The topic of conversation shifted to an upcoming party that some people were travelling for, and I asked if when you walked in the door there were just people right there having sex with each other? “Just straight up having sex with each other?” came the reply, “Not really, more like engaged in their fetishes, you know?” I did not know. I may or may not have been a little distracted throughout the night by the company, but I did manage a few more questions before I snuck off, centred mostly around the culture of the community. When asked what one thing was that everyone should know about before getting involved with the community, one person said, “Consent is very important, like

without it we couldn’t really do this. Everyone is super respectful and those who aren’t are known and avoided. People talk, you know.” The most repeated bit of advice I heard was that what I was doing was the perfect way to get into the community. “Come to the vanilla events, like [the] pub, meet people and then go from there.” Sex and fetishes are topics which are normally kept away from the dinner table, whispered behind closed doors to lovers in the dark. But for a growing subsection of society this taboo no longer exists and, like many things, the internet has allowed them to connect. There are many places where people whose inhibitions are lower gather, but one of the most popular seems to be FetLife.com, which has a small but thriving community in New Zealand. FetLife markets itself as the ‘Social Network for the BDSM, Fetish and Kinky community` and features images, videos, discussions and events related to any fetish that you can imagine. When signing up you are asked for your nickname (be creative!), a gender selector (with 13 options) and a list of sexual roles which will keep you googling for hours. My personal favourites (based on name alone I swear) are Leatherboi, Rigger and Spanko. Sounds like a steampunk boyband. After getting past registration and confirming your email (10minutemail.com) you need to find some people to follow. I personally didn’t spend much time on this, it’s like starting a new Reddit account, you don’t really know what you’re looking for until you find it. But find it you surely will. I would recommend looking up groups in your area, browsing the fetishes tab and having a look at people’s profiles. Who knows, maybe you’re even a Spanko. But I’m sure you can figure out how to use a website. What you really want to know is what the people are like, what’s the etiquette and what to expect if you muster up the courage to go to an event. I will preface this by saying I personally am a total

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newbie to this community and everything I say is based on very little experience. People spend decades in the community and others shape their lives around it. I would recommend finding someone who is more experienced and asking them about the culture to learn about it from a different perspective. Which leads nicely into my first observation, everyone is very accepting and friendly. I messaged a number of people with questions about different kinks and aspects of the community and everyone who replied was happy to help and direct me in the right direction. There is very little judgement and a sense of acceptance of who people are and what they like. As a person who I asked at the bar told me, “Of course we don’t kink shame, that wouldn’t make any sense.” This lack of judgement stems from, I believe, a sense of separation from the rest of society. FetLife feels like a hidden world away from the expectations of vanilla society and many members treat it as such. People tend to not use real names (asside from me, due to my drunk state) but post photos containing their naked bodies alongside selfies and updates about their day. At first it feels a little surreal, as does the

openness about sexual desires. Now keep in mind that doesn’t mean walking up to the first person you see and telling them you want to take them out back and have your way with them; FetLife is not primarily a hook-up site. But it does mean people will post publicly asking for advice about kinks, telling stories of their exploits, and there’s no shame in sitting down next to someone and asking, ‘So what are your kinks?’ The gender ratio. How about that. I know it was on your mind. Now because gender is fluid, I’m going to avoid using the terms male and female, instead opting for masc and femme, which I think is a more effective way of accommodating all sexual orientations without assuming anyone’s gender. From what I could tell browsing online and meeting a part of the community, the general feeling seems to be masc people make up the majority of people online, but when it comes to putting their money where their mouth is, both masc and femme people are represented equally. Masc people, much like many sites relating to sex, tend to message people and be ‘pests’ more so than others, which many can find off putting.

Most members of the community look down on messages asking to meet up or dick pics when they are unsolicited, so don’t do that. There’s a mix of body types and faces in the fetish community, but be assured it is not just old masc people at all. There are specific groups for young people, old people, any age and any fetish you could imagine, so there will be something or someone who fits your mould. To be perfectly honest, the fetish lifestyle doesn’t seem to be for me. I don’t believe there is anything wrong with it at all and appreciate the nook this group has carved out for itself but am wary of making a hobby such a large part of my personality. It seems inevitable that if you fully embrace this lifestyle, it will encroach at least a little on your vanilla life, and sex is fun but like, I don’t need to think about it all the time. That being said, I encourage you to explore your kinky side. Go meet some strangers. Go get tied up. Get a little bit wild. They used to say the world is your oyster, and if that’s true then the internet is the knife you use to get to the juicy inside.

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Where did all the pranks go? A LOOK BACK AT CAPPING STUNTS THROUGH TIME WORDS BY CAROLINE MORATTI ILLUSTRATION BY TALLULAH FARRAR

Pranks are a national pastime, a delight! From stationery floating in jelly to classic gladwrap gags, pranks sustain us through the misery years of university. But, where have they all gone? Why hath we been abandoned in such dark times? Massive looks back at the history of university pranks, from capping stunts to April Fools, to find the best, the worst, and the outright outrageous. Maybe by looking back, we’ll be able to find our way forwards. Capping Week, held in May during graduation ceremonies (when students were capped, get it?) was a prankster's wet dream. Rivalling O-Week with week-long events, Capping consisted of balls to stunts to just general binge-drinking and debauchery. It was a time for mischief and merriment! Capping committees were formed, tasked with sometimes spending thousands in pursuit of pranking pleasure. When not pranking themselves, the committee judged other students by originality and publicity, with their winners gaining a free ball ticket for their hard work. These pranks were called “capping stunts”. According to ancient guidelines at Vic, “The Stunt[s] generally do not involve the kidnapping or borrowing of any [unclear: chatels], rather it is directed more at misdirection of the public by way of general pranks.” Students put cars on top of buildings, and altered the size of carparks so they were just a touch smaller. They planted fake speed cameras on university ring roads to

annoy professors, and even managed to get a sevenfoot Mickey Mouse face onto the Auckland Town Hall Clock (with some remarkable feats of abseiling). Perhaps the most famous capping stunt is arguably the 1952 stunt from Knox College residents at Otago Uni. Supposedly tired of being misrepresented by the Otago Daily Times, and their recent series of UFO sightings, the students set out a prank “designed to cure the ODT of flying saucerites and inoculate that worthy journal with a healthy degree of scepticism” according to handouts distributed. Together, they schemed a fictional tale of a detailed flight plan for two saucers, which would fly over New Zealand on December 6 (coincidentally, exams had thankfully finished by that date). Students all over the country phoned their local newspapers to report sightings, “detailing times, shapes, colours and sounds, and inventing wives, children and friends to corroborate their evidence,” according to Historian Ali Clarke. These fake names were never fully checked by reporters (honestly, who can blame them. Nothing but respect for my fellow lazy journalists) which lead to reports appearing all over New Zealand. Expert analysis from astronomers, quoted in the ODT, commented that the sightings “not the result of collaboration (and they appear to be genuine, independent observations), then they constitute a surprising weight of evidence in favour of the supposition that some object did pass down the FEATURES

South Island at about 11 o’clock that night.” Lol. The true nature of the hoax was kept quiet for many years, surprisingly, and its success reportedly “startled” students, who were sure they would be found out. “By a remarkable coincidence, on the night of 6 December 1952 a United States Air Force bomber flying over the Gulf of Mexico saw some unidentified flying objects, and this seemed to corroborate the New Zealand reports,” Clarke writes. Only decades later, in 1978, did Ken Nichol, a lecturer at Christchurch Teachers’ College, reveal the hoax, which many still refuse to believe to this day. What can I say? The people just want UFOs! A hotly debated stunt (is it true? Or just mere myth?) was Victoria University’s workmen stunt, later recreated by Auckland University. Essentially, students told local workmen, who were digging up a nearby road, that students dressed as policemen were planning a fake arrest. Meanwhile, police were informed that students posing as workmen were tearing up a stretch of highway. Naturally, chaos ensued. For capping stunts, the more creative, the better. One year, graduates posted notices stating that a recent shipment of bananas was contaminated, and that students should bring their urine samples to the nearest post office, where a checking station would be set up to test for the disease. Reportedly, many people did show up, clutching sample bottles of urine in their hands. At Vic Uni, a letter was circulated warning that the water supply dam above Wellington would burst unless every hydrant and tap in the city was opened to relieve the pressure. Again, people complied! In Auckland, students drove a hearse down the CBD, only to pull over to the roadside, pretending to have car trouble. All dressed as morticians, the students removed the coffin from the car to get the jack stored underneath in order to change the tire. Then they drove off, leaving the coffin behind on the pavement to the bewilderment of Aucklanders. In 1969, a pirate student radio, bFM, was created and broadcasted from a boat aground in Auckland's Waitematā Harbour. The station was played illegally on speakers all around Auckland University (fun fact: the b originally stood for bosom)! Nowdays, bFM is a very legit, very non-illegal radio station owned by AUSA. Oh, how the tides have turned. In 1984, students wrote on a fake Auckland City Council letterhead to hundreds of houses around a park in Remuera, after recent development talks. The letter informed residents that the park was going to be turned into a marae with an on-licence, reportedly prompting at least one elderly resident to put their house on the market. Other capping stunts have allegedly involved a Massey student “stealing” a bus full of Japanese tourists to enter it in a lost and found contest. Yeah, I know, it sounds a touch unbelievable, not to mention racist. Dunedin students stuck notices on parked cars advising them that their types needed to be brought into the local council due to chemical spray on the road. Auckland students snuck dry ice into 44-gallon drums, spray painted with hazard symbols, and subsequently rolled off a truck in the CBD.

In 2004, Massey’s student mag (aaaayyy-o, shout-out!) advertised auditions for extras in Peter Jackson’s King Kong. Over 200 students auditioned for the fake part, where they were tested on facial expressions and “funny walking”. Each contestant signed a disclaimer prior to the auditions which said, "I also understand that TheatreRecruitment does not guarantee part in any movie, but will endeavour to act in the best interests of entertainment." According to the NZ Herald, at one point six people stood in a circle singing Monty Python’s Always Look on the Bright Side of Life “in the style of a church choir, a New Zealand Idol contestant and a rock singer”. The ‘director’ Ash Flowerday, later said “I’m going into hiding” after the prank was revealed. In 2005, Massey students, determined not to be outdone, allegedly sent a letter to Prime Minister Helen Clark, stating that foot and mouth disease had been released on Waiheke Island. Foot and mouth disease is an infectious and sometimes fatal viral disease that affects cloven-hoofed animals, including domestic and wild bovids. Although the Massey connection was never confirmed, police said that the letter came from the Manawatū region and coincided with the same day agricultural students graduated. Authorities suspected that a biosecurity exercise at the University may have “inspired” a copycat hoaxer. But from tough-crackdowns on student drinking culture, to student associations losing the majority of their funding thanks to the introduction of VSM in 2011, prank culture has died a painful death. All that remains of Capping Week is a meagre Capping show performance held in Otago every year. And sure, comedy skits are fun, but they’re not that fun. Sometimes a small ember carries on the flame, like in 2015, when the Albany Massey Engineering Student Society plastered a huge KFC-inspired bucket around the Albany Chicken Wing statue. Although, the University really fucking lapped up the attention on social media, which kind of took the fun out of it all. Now, in 2021, we don’t even get a paper bucket to get moist about. There’s just the yearly April Fools post by the Massey’s Facebook team which, somehow, just manages to get appallingly worse with each passing year. Like they’re not even trying to be mildly realistic or funny at this point. This year’s Aprils Fool post announced a new database entitled “The Cat Collection”. The post read: “This is a subject-themed database of ebooks, articles, reports, images, videos and more, all on the topic of cats, with a sub-collection focusing on kittens.” Wow. Ha ha ha. I’m practically pissing myself Massey. You really got me there! It’s clear it’s time to bring back the age of pranks. Let’s get up to no good. Let’s outrage our fellow citizens. This is a call to arms. We’ll meet at midnight in the woods and go from there. Bring your best jelly moulds and fake letterheads. Viva la Revolution!

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RELIGION AND THE QUEER COMMUNITY ELENA MCINTYREREET

Words

I didn’t grow up in a religious household. Technically my family is Anglican but I have never really given the big guy in the sky much consideration. My complete apathy towards religion started transitioning into, quite honestly, an open dislike for it when I realised I was gay. A lot of queer YouTubers I watched made reaction videos to homophobic propaganda from religious groups, laughing at their ignorance. I laughed along with them, but the reality of an old book telling huge groups of its devout followers to hate people like me was quite frightening. I’m lucky because my coming out process wasn’t that conflicting for me, I knew that there was nothing wrong with who I was and I didn’t believe in God or hell, so I wasn’t taking any of that into consideration. This isn’t the reality for a lot of people though, the relationship between being queer and being religious is complicated,

and often-times it doesn’t exist harmoniously. Alex took a really long time to come out to his family after he realised he was gay. He’d told his close friends but was working up the courage to tell his extended family. “I sorted a plan in my head that would make the coming out process easier. I made a hierarchy of family members in my head, about who would accept the news the easiest and who would take it the hardest. Looking back on this after seven years, all my family members that were religious were the ones to be told last. I don’t remember

FEATURES

this being a conscious decision at the time. I justified it based on their culture of how they’d acted around me,” he shared. The pressure of coming out into a religious family can be really daunting. Especially when you hear members of your family openly expressing their homophobia. “I remember sitting on the couch with my uncle, before I came out, when a story about a gay wedding came on the TV. I immediately felt myself tense up because he’s a born again Christian and I’d never really heard him talk about anything to do with the gay community. I thought we were in the clear, when at the end of the show he says to himself ‘I still think that’s a bit disgusting’. Then he just kept drinking his tea, like he hadn’t just completely altered my view of him and his beliefs,” Jane* recalls. “It was just completely confronting, I didn’t understand what would make him say something like that. My family was religious, but the kind that only says grace at Christmas and stopped going to church when I was seven. I’d never been exposed to anyone who let their religion impact their view on the whole community of people. Since that moment I’ve got a really clouded view of religion. I feel uncomfortable in churches, and I still get that same tense feeling whenever the topic of the queer community comes up. It’s like I’m just waiting for someone to say something,” she continues. Luckily, a lot of religious communities are letting go of the old fashioned views that informed their opinion in the past. Obviously there are still bigots out there who happen to be religious, like a certain church leader who blamed same-sex marriage for the Christchurch earthquakes. On the other hand though, there are church groups who have openly expressed their support for the queer community. The recent campaign for public submissions on the conversion therapy ban in New Zealand saw significant numbers of church groups openly supporting the ban. Sasha* went to an all-girls Catholic high school, her mum teaches at a Catholic primary school, and many members of her family are religious. Although she doesn’t go to church anymore, she still considers herself Catholic and her faith is a significant part of her identity. Despite the Catholic community’s infamy for their views on homosexuality, when Sasha realised she was queer, her faith brought her comfort rather than confusion. “It wasn’t too conflicting for me, I know that God accepts everyone, so he’ll accept me. It didn’t change any of my beliefs. My sexuality and my faith are two different parts of me, they co-exist quite comfortably to me,” she says. The relationship between religion and the queer community can be a complicated one. A lot of queer people will always feel uncomfortable or even scared about the topic of religion. My sister is a Christian and even used to be a youth leader. Her faith has never made me feel uncomfortable, in the same way my queerness has never been a thing for her. When I asked her about her opinion on those who use religion as an excuse for their prejudice she initially kept it pretty short and sweet. “I just think they’re fuckwits,” she said. However accurate that statement was, she continued with a more articulate response, which is a perfect note to end on. “Religion at its core is about love, and those that use it to discriminate against queer people clearly don’t understand what love is and have forgotten what religion is actually about.” FEATURES

UNIVERSITY TO OFFICE: Stuff you should know before you make the leap

Words by Mason Tangatatai

With the year winding to a close, a new wave of Massey University students are soon to become alumni. With one door closing, another fucking door opens, it's that time of the year where a full-time job starts becoming the sad reality. I understand for university students, the transition from university life to a workplace environment looks daunting – and to be frank, it is. Trying to socialise with superiors, being individual without jeopardising your professionality and learning to keep your social life alive - each of these realities carry their own nervous weight. Through my first year of full-time work, I have aimlessly stumbled through this difficult stage of my life, doing all the wrong things, but still managing to stay afloat. Along the way I picked up a few tips that I thought I’d share so you can transition, hopefully more seamlessly into the working world than I did.

Know your value

For university students entering their first years in fulltime work, there can be an expectation to go above and beyond to kick off on the right foot. You are an integral part of any company if they are paying you. Don’t go into a job thinking you are disposable – this will cause you to trade your mental wellbeing for a spot at a company you might leave in the next few years. What I’ve realised is that our sets of skills as the younger generation, is unique and valuable in a corporate setting. We have grown up living in the digital world, technology often feels second nature, but for others, the simple tasks of sorting spreadsheets, getting software to work, or figuring out Zoom can be a tough ask. As a young person, you have valuable skills businesses need and want. Use this to leverage your way into favour with your elder co-workers. Whatever your unique value is, put it on display from the get-go, let people lean on you for advice and you will start to feel your value grow.

Understand the generation gap

All our student life, we have been wired to listen to our superiors take word above and maintain a strict relationship that doesn’t extend past the student/ teacher boundaries. In the workforce, this relationship with your elders changes drastically, and it can become hard to distinguish what the best way to act is. While your seniors and bosses are still ‘teaching’ you, there is a responsibility on yourself to act not just as a student, but also as a colleague. For the socially able, the extroverts of Massey, this probably sounds like a cake walk. But that’s not the

reality for most of us. Be cautious about the way you communicate with your co-workers. Work on your communication skills to build a rapport with your colleagues and take an interest in the things they do, rather than sticking to your habitual university conversations. Once you begin understanding the nuance of this foreign relationship, you can rely on judgement to get jokey and vaguely inappropriate. I’ve found a lot of the time, these professionals enjoy a yarn from time to time where they can reminisce on their younger years, doing shit we all do nowadays.

Keep being social

Student life isn’t easy – there are endless deadlines, stressful exam periods, and pressure from friends, family, and lecturers to do your best. But there is also the fantastic social life, the freedom of independence and flexibility of routine. Students have a great work/life balance that brings a great deal of happiness. This doesn’t completely vanish at the collection of a degree, but with everyone’s busy schedules, and new pressures from work, your usual social schedule will be most likely be less than it once was. Work itself is a great opportunity to socialise. Spend time with your co-workers, hang out together, and stick to that buzzing social life. Not only will a good social life keep you sane but being social is a key part of the workplace. The better you are with people, the better you will be at your job. Going from university, where everybody is the same age, and from similar social backgrounds to work, to a place where everybody ranges in age, social background and education can be a shock. Everybody brings different attitudes and perspectives. Being able to work with, rather than against, these mindsets is an important, but valuable learning curve.

Keep your individuality As students we dress how we want, act how we want and generally blow caution to the wind when it comes to being seen as professionals. Unfortunately, the harsh reality for many jobs is that this may cause questions to be asked about your professionality.

This aspect of corporate work sucks - why are we being judged on how we dress, or our hairstyles when what matters is our output of work? In this day and age, companies are much more lenient of this expression of individuality, but there is still an unconscious bias favoured towards those who fit in the box. Be confident in who you are. Don’t be forced to make subtle changes to please a person in a suit. It circles back to knowing your value.

WORDS BY CAROLINE MORATTI Exam season is coming up, and chances are, you're absolutely shitting yourself! Fear not, Massive is here to wipe the muck from your ass, and give you a helping hand towards achieving that passing grade (No, we can't get you an A, we're not miracle workers okay). Check out our hot tips and tricks below xx 1.

Only hang out with your crush on “study dates”. You’ll be forced to look at books... as well as their dreamy eyes.

2. Slip a crisp $50 note under the Massive office door and we’ll send one of our staff writers to sit it for you. 3. Slowly seduce your lecturer. Sure, don’t actually fuck them, but make them fall in love with you. Go on long walks and ask them questions about death, eat dumplings by the shoreline. Laugh at their silly little jokes. When the time comes, they won’t let you down. 4. Place M&Ms at the end of chapters of your textbook. Honestly idk about this one, I just saw it on TikTok. 5. Really lean into ‘Dark Academia’. Yeah, you CAN be that bitch in dark turtlenecks and plaid blazers. Yeah, you can lurk around dark corners of libraries and romanticise the hellish student existence. You might not learn any useful knowledge for your aviation paper, but fuck it, you’ll learn a couple of words in Latin and feel like a powerful entity in this rapidly changing world. 6. Listen to your lecture recordings as you go to sleep. If nothing else, maybe you’ll finally get a good night’s sleep! There’s nothing like the sound of your lecturer’s voice to make you sleepy as fuck.

Go on the ultimate search for your doppelgänger. Backpack all around the world, hunting for your one true lookalike. When you find them, promise them a safe, good life back in New Zealand. Quarantine together in a hotel room as the sexual tension slowly rises. What would it be like to fuck yourself? Would they be a gentle lover? These questions will still be on your mind as you march them off to your Zoom exam, where they will gain you an A+ in whatever bullshit comms paper you’re sitting.

8. Snort No-Doz lol. 9. Perform a viral video that involves you inexplicably chugging Red Bull in crevices all over your body. Red Bull will see this video and immediately send you a crate of free product. Consume this free beverage repeatedly, making more and more viral videos when your supply runs low. 10. Learn how to hack in a very cool montage sequence. From there, download the contents of your lecturer’s laptop, all whilst some sick music is playing. View the exam days in advance. You do this shit on your own time. 11. Study like a very decent amount, get a C+ (Cs get degrees!) and celebrate with your mates in Macca’s after a boozy sesh.

Period Blues: LOCKDOWN AND PERIOD CARE ACCESS WORDS BY ARI PRAKASH

The recent Covid-19 lockdown has thrown a curveball in regard to period equity. The free period products for secondary school students, plus the occasional lucky uni student, are no longer accessible, not to mention the rising unemployment rates that lockdown brings. So, this inequity means the idea of a uterus utopia slips a little more out of our reach. It’s the beginning of October, so a global pandemic and growing inequity is a fitting and kinda scary way to start off the spooky season. First, a quick recap of period poverty: it's a lack of access to period products, period hygiene and hygiene means. A common quote about the topic is summed up by the artist, Maia Schwartz: “Menstruation is the only blood that is not born from violence, yet it's the one that

deal with their periods, which creates an ”othering” experience. Danika said that even using the term “inclusivity” can be othering and make people who are not cis-gender women feel excluded from mainstream period discourse. “There’s a lot of mahi that happens behind the scenes,” Danika tells us. This work includes collaborations with other period charities, big and small. They emphasise that “there should be more period charities”. The Period Place has also developed a period equity ladder, which shows how period product access combined with period education contributes to period equality. But with the long waiting list for free period products and the financial recovery some people will have to face, Danika

“Menstruation is the only blood that is not born from violence, yet it's the one that disgusts you the most.” disgusts you the most.” Recently, Massive got in touch with Danika Revell, Chief Executive of The Period Place, a charity dedicated to achieving period equity in New Zealand. The Period Place has been active since 2017 to increase period visibility, which comes hand-in-hand with decreasing period inequity. The Period Place has since formed partnerships with businesses like the Warehouse, and they've had talks with the Government about period equity. Yet over the lockdowns, demand has outstripped supply. Throughout last year’s lockdown, The Period Place donated around 300,000 period products to people in need. During the latest lockdown, they’ve donated 107,000 in three weeks alone. Although, since this article has been published, it could be more. Danika said there’s a “long waiting list” for people wanting period products and that many people have to go without period products. When money gets tight, period products are usually the first thing to go. Sure, this pressure means more people are talking about periods. On the other hand, period products have become less accessible for many. Before the lockdown, The Period Place and the Auckland City Council were trialing putting sanitary bins in all bathrooms because, as Danika said, “periods have no gender”. Yet, data to show how many people are affected by period poverty leaves much to be desired. There isn’t strong data that looks at the whole population of New Zealand and is generally cis female-centered. Periods are becoming more common in younger people too. Danika aims to get primary schools to have sanitary bins in bathrooms. Often kids have to go to the teacher’s lounges to

says, “like Delta, there will be a long tail of people who would need to rely on free period products”. The Period Place has had partnerships with other organisations like the Warehouse, which donates one pack of pads or tampons for every 10 packets sold. Yet due to a decrease in period product sales, these contributions from Warehouse have slowed down. The period equity movement also contributes to achieving the UN’s Sustainable Development Goals. I had learned about them last year and have already forgotten most of it. Right now, I suppose the priority is keeping society from falling apart. But, once we’ve made it out of this long Covid-19 tunnel, we can start making more progress towards these goals once again. Some people whose menstrual health is most affected by Covid-19 are single parents and students. Danika said some people who approached The Period Place for free period products have been using the pill to skip their period altogether. But like Danika mentioned earlier, “like Delta,” the number of people needing period products would be a long tail on the way to recovery from the period inequity setbacks of the lockdown. But while the Auckland lockdown especially has been lonely and difficult for many, more Covid-19 is the alternative. There will be more sustained support and a need for it for people in the future. Level 2 for Auckland would mean more people at work and more people getting back to living life, the period inequity gap will close a little, and people can hopefully get on their feet.

INNOVATE AT UNIVERSITY TODAY, DISRUPT THE WORLD TOMORROW WHAT IS RED BULL BASEMENT?

WHAT DO WE WIN IF OUR IDEA IS SELECTED?

Red Bull Basement empowers student innovators to kickstart their tech ideas. Submit your 60 second idea at: redbullbasement.com

The team selected will enter a week long incubator programme with Flume Agency, where they’ll refine and commercialise your idea, develop your brand and create digital prototypes.

WHAT TYPES OF IDEAS?

•

Return trip to Turkey to attend the Red Bull Basement Global Workshop*

•

Investment meeting with network introductions

•

Mentorship from Peter Gray, Senior Vice President, Advanced Technology - Sport for NTT Ltd

•

Intel Laptop

•

A Logitech Ultimate Productivity Pack

•

Access to a shared space to work on your idea, or if you’ve already got a space, we’ll upgrade it

•

Free website design from Rocketspark

•

Access to a global network of mentors

Plus you’ll win an insane line up of prizes:

Icehouse

Ventures

*TC’s apply

APPLY BY OCT 24TH

#redbullbasement redbullbasement.com

HOW I T WORKS TIMELINE: SEP 1ST – OCT 24TH A P P LICATION & COMMUNITY SHOUT-OUTS

Brainstorm your idea and describe it in a max. 60-second video. Then upload the video on the website. A team can consist of one or two people. Make sure that everyone is at least 18, an enrolled student and able to speak English. The public can then give your idea a shout-out, so make sure to show that the world needs this idea, and get support from your friends, family and others around you.

OCT 26TH – NOV 1ST SELECTION

A panel of local judges will select the finalists based on the criteria of feasibility, impact, creativity and community shout-outs.

NOV 2ND – DEC 9TH DEVELOPMENT

This phase is all about bringing your idea to life! Each Finalist team, one from each participating country, will get access to a workspace, 1on1 sessions with international mentors in relevant fields, and a global network of innovators.

DEC 13TH – DEC 15TH GLOBAL FINAL

This is it: three immersive days in Istanbul, Turkey with workshops, mentorship sessions and much more, culminating in the big Final Pitch. One idea will be declared Global Winner 2021, but everyone goes home with sharpened skills, fresh insights and an expanded network. Where will their ideas take them next?

MEET LAST YEAR’S WINNERS LAVA AQUA X FROM THE UK The UK team with the top idea of 2020 created a revolutionary clothes-washing machine that recycles shower water: Lava Aqua X. The product uses a third of the water a regular washing machine uses and is faster. As reference, if every student in London were to use the Aqua X, we could save enough water to fill 700 Olympic-sized swimming pools a year!

BADGES OF disHONOUR The end of the year is upon us; it’s a time for celebrations, goodbyes and condomless sex. It’s also the perfect time to hold a small court session, and punish your friends for all their wicked deeds this year. Or just give these labels amongst your flatties, whatever will best release your pent-up frustration. Think of it as a mini award ceremony! Go argue amongst yourselves and have a few drinks whilst you do x

PAID FOR TINDER GOLD

BONG

VEGAN UNTIL DRUNK

MOST LIKELY TO FORGET THE NAME OF THEIR ONE-NIGHT STAND

LORD

CULTURE

BIGGEST FIEND FOR A DART ON A NIGHT OUT

SLIMY SWAMP OGRE WHO LIVES IN FILTH AND STEALS DISHES

HAVE ABSOLUTELY DESTROYED THEIR INNER NOSTRILS

MESSIEST DRUNK

MOST “U UP?” TEXTS SENT

PISSED THEMSELVES ON A NIGHT OUT

GOT BACK WITH THEIR EX...AGAIN

MOST LIKELY TO SLEEP WITH A YOUNG NAT

CULTURE

Sexcapades

Got a confession, a naughty tale, a sexy story? Email sexcapades@massivemagazine.org.nz to submit yours xoxox It was a Saturday night and I invited a boy over from knew, I was lying topless on the kitchen floor, chocolate Tinder to cook some dinner and see where the night sauce spread across my nipples as this very handsome would take us. He arrived right on time, 7pm, and holy man started lapping at me. I was a bowl of milk and he fuck he was hot. Like honestly, his pictures did NOT do was a very greedy kitten. him justice. I was already moist by the time I led him into Next thing I knew, icecream and chocolate sauce was the kitchen. being poured down my vulva. It was everywhere. I tried We started by making pasta: sexy, right? He was stirring to concentrate on the moment, on how delicious it all felt, the sauce behind me with his arms tight around my waist, but honestly I couldn’t help feeling....well, sticky. But the slowly grinding into my arse. I nearly came in that second. climax was building, I could feel it rising deep within me. He kept nibbling my ear and letting his fingers trace up He just kept lapping and lapping...until my fucking bitch and down my arm. Meanwhile, I was desperately trying of a flatmate walked into the kitchen. Honestly! Fucking not to burn the tomatoes. Tracey and her fucking late-night cups of tea. Somehow, and I honestly don’t know how, we managed to make dinner without ripping each other’s clothes off. You have NO idea the amount of self-restraint it took, my god. Unfortunately, I can’t say the same thing about dessert. It all started with very innocently offering him ice-cream. Everyone likes ice-cream, right? Only, oops! I spilled some on myself. And thankfully he was able to come to the rescue, with his thick muscular tongue. Next thing I

“Oops!” she yelled as she ducked out of sight. But the moment was ruined. The climax gone. All I had was sticky tits and a half-melted cornetto shoved somewhere deep inside of me. The boy left, somewhat awkwardly, promising to call me. I took a shower, only to still wake up the next day to my sheets ruined by chocolately discharged smeared over them like a huge shit stain. Oh, and I developed a yeast infection too. But worth it for the story, right? Right????

Available only to students, up to two years after graduation. Find thousands of full-time, career-launching jobs all over the country at sjs.co.nz

SNIP, SNOP, SNAP SEND US YOUR SNAPS TO GET FEATURED IN NEXT WEEK’S EDITION @MASSIVE_MAG

COLUMNS

POWERSHOP MASSIVE INTRODUCES

WINNER #3

MADDIE LE MARQUAND

Power to the people.

@madison.rose.lm

JUMBO CROSSWORD!

ACROSS

20. Gnome version of Shakespeare (6) 21. Tits (5) 22. Like a worse version of TikTok (5) 23. Arguably better than Netflix (4) 24. The act of making love (7) 27. The act of swirling one’s drink, usually beer, and then skulling it all in one go (8) 31. A term used to describe a hungover state, as well as any uncomfortable situation (5) 33. What you need to do to pass exams (5) 34. Cigarette rear ends (5)

36. Opposite of tiny (7) 38. Tiny little first years (8) 40. Maccas has the best “___” (5) 41. Rival magazine for wanky art students (7) 43. What you are (4) 44. Rich, bald fucker who wants to fuck around in space (4, 5) 45. Another word for a joint (4) 46. The name of this shit uni you go to (6) 47. Delicious $2 meal (7)

DOWN

11. Truly fucking terrible $6 wine (9) 12. “‘_____” Definition make them boys go Loco” (12) 13. Whipped cream charger, used to inhale (4) 15. What we continually fuck up on (10) 18. Honestly the most delicious pipe to smoke out of (5) 19. Name of hot, sexy Ram (6) 25. “Dude, where’s my____” (3) 26. Masturbating over cookies competition (5, 7)

28. Where I spend all my free time (3) 29. Annoying white girl (6) 30. Theme of Issue 16 (7) 32. Sick chat (4) 35. Setting of Massive’s first cover this year (6) 37. Phone home (2) 39. Best flavour of 2 minute noods (2, 6) 42. Something you need to pull (3, 4)

4. Wiggle member who experienced drama this year (6) 7. The most feared place to go on Ketamine (5) 10. Golden winged statue on Albany campus (7) 14. Name of the couple, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie (10) 15. Always wear one of these, kids! (6) 16. That weird tinfoiled food item that the Editor has been banging on about all year (12) 17. So alty (5)

1. The most intense drinking game at the party (4, 3) 2. Inebriated, intoxicated. (6) 3. A term used to describe drugs, particularly MDMA (6) 5. What you’re going to fail (5) 6. That person who always asks if you can buy them a drink in town (5) 8. What Fergus feels, constantly (5) 9. The best biscuit to masturbate on, as deemed by Massive (9)

COLUMNS

MASSIVE’S BIG FAT QUIZ OF THE YEAR Hello and welcome to Massive’s Big Fat Quiz of the Year (Jimmy Carr, please don’t sue us). How well have you been paying attention? Let’s see, shall we? 1. When was Massive Magazine formed? A) 2002 B) 2008 C) 2012 D) 2014 2. What words were shaved into pubes for this year’s Sex Cover? A) Fuck you B) Fuck me C) Fuck D) Massive 3. What does “The Pelican” involve in a flat initiation? A) Drinking from a goon bag hanging from a washing line B) Drinking on a roof C) Throwing up into someone’s mouth D) Throwing up into a body of water that you’re currently submerged in 4. Which Baked Bean won Massive’s Best Baked Bean Review? A) Heinz B) Oak C) Watties D) Pams 5. Why do you drink if someone coins you at a BYO? A) To gain money B) Because the coin is dirty C) Because the coin enables you to access the bathroom, if the drink is finished D) To save the Queen of England from drowning 6. What is “soggy biscuit”? A) Dipping a biscuit in alcohol before consuming B) A circle-jerk masturbating around a biscuit, with the last one to cum on it consuming the biscuit C) Inserting a biscuit into a vagina during sex D) Spitting on a biscuit until you dissolve the inner layer of chocolate. 7. What is the best biscuit, as deemed by Massive, to use for “Soggy biscuit”? A) Ginger Kiss B) Tim Tams

C) Squiggles D) Gingernut 8. What painting was depicted on the cover of Issue 12? A) The Mona Lisa B) The Scream C) The Last Supper D) The Creation of Adam 9. What was the Manawatūbased magazine called before it merged into Massive? A) Dude B) Chaff C) Magneto D) Dusty 10. Who did David Seymour reveal he’d kiss in a game of “Snog, Marry, Kill” with Massive? A) Jacinda Ardern B) Ashley Bloomfield C) Winston Peters D) Gerry Brownlee 11. Which of these purchases was NOT something students admitted to spending their course-related costs on? A) A Corgi named McDreamy B) VIP tickets to Justin Bieber C) A segway D) Two ounces of weed and a 4k TV 12. What did we snort on the cover of Issue 4? A) Glue B) 2-minute noodle sachets C) McDonald’s El Maco Shaker Fries Seasoning D) Mystery white powder (definitely not drugs, officer!) 13. Which beer was the cheapest to drink per standard unit of alcohol? A) Bavaria 8.6 Original Holland B) Ranfurly Draught C) DB Export Gold D) Kromacher 14. What is a “Red Card”? A) A towel you lay down for period sex B) A drinking event each flat member is allowed to throw once a year, where everyone must come C) A drinking fine you receive in a

“court session” drinking game for bad behaviour D) An emoji used to forewarn sexual partners that you’re on your period 15. What is the name of Massey’s unbelievably sexy mascot? A) Bill B) Peter C) Scott D) Fergus 16. Which of these was NOT a sexcapades story submitted this year? A) Someone breaking their banjo cord during sex B) Someone breaking a condom during sex C) Someone pissing themselves during sex D) Someone picturing their lecturer during sex 17. How many candidates ran in this year’s Albany elections? A) 1 B) 2 C) 4 D) 10 18. When we imagined different NZ politicians as shoes, what shoe was Judith Collins? A) Ballet flats B) Fat DCs C) Boat shoes D) Lita heels 19. In 1979, why was the entirety of the Manawatū magazine’s staff fired? A) For printing a comic insulting the cafeteria food, which led to a workers strike B) For printing an unflattering illustration of the VC C) For publishing a story giving exact information on how to buy Class-A drugs D) For getting taken to court over a high-profile defamation case 20. Which Magazine loves you the most in the world? A) Massive B) Massive C) Massive D) Massive COLUMNS

WORDSEARCH

ALBANY BEERS BESTIE BLOOMFIELD BOOBS BOOZE COLD HARD CASH DEPRESSION DISTANCE

FERGUS THE RAM FLAT WHITE HOUSE PRICES JACINDA LOVE ISLAND MANAWATU MASSIVE NETFLIX POCKET

PUSSY SHIT STUDYLINK TESTICLES THRIFTING TUSSOCK VACCINE WELLINGTON WILLY COLUMNS

EINSTEIN’S RIDDLE Some people say this riddle was invented by Albert Einstein as a boy. Others attribute it to Lewis Carrol. They’re probably both wrong. Nobody really knows who came up with it, but it’s a bangin’ brain buster so give it a whirl and let us know how ya did.

THE SITUATION: 1. There are 5 houses in five different colors.

3. These five owners drink a certain type of beverage, smoke a certain brand of cigarette and keep a certain pet.

2. In each house lives a person studying towards a different degree.

4. No owners have the same pet, smoke the same brand of ciggy or drink the same beverage.

The question is: Who owns the fish?

THE HINTS: •

The design student lives in the red house

•

The journalism student keeps dogs as pets

•

The agriculture student drinks Speight’s

•

The green house is on the left of the white house

•

The green house’s owner drinks Pal’s

•

The person who smokes vapes owns birds

•

The owner of the yellow house smokes Rothman Reds

•

The man living in the center house drinks Scrumpy

•

The nursing student lives in the first house

•

The man who smokes Benson & Hedges lives next to the one who keeps cats

•

The man who keeps horses lives next to

the man who smokes Rothman Reds •

The owner who smokes Malboro Golds drinks Smirnoff Ice

•

The aviation student smokes Dunhill Switches

•

The nursing student lives next to the blue house

•

The man who smokes Benson & Hedges has a neighbor who drinks kombucha

DIABOLICAL

These little word puzzles all mean something. What do they mean?

OPEN ARREST YOU’RE 1.

L LA

D O DOUBLE B L E 3.

STAND I 4.

CHAIR

cycle cycle cycle 8.

MAC

NOON GOOD

U N D E R

10.

11.

12. COLUMNS

PUZZLE PAGE! WORD WHEEL

The target is to create as many words of 4 letters or more, using the letters once only and always including the letter in the middle of the wheel. 4-letter words: 17 5-letter words: 10 6-letter words: 5

7-letter words: 2 9-letter words: 1

G L

29/09/2021, 09:15

Sudoku - Easy

SUDOKUS

sudoku.cool

09/28/2021

1 5

8 4

2 1

EASY

2 4

6 5

8 4 3

9 3

4 7

7 @phomonz

Sudoku -

8 9

8 5

2 1

1 5 6

8 5

7 5 3

2 1

7 6

9 55

2 8

HARD 5

OPENING HOURS: 7

4 8 2 LUNCH 6 11:30AM 9- 3:00PM (MONDAY SUNDAY) 8

3 4

DINNER 3 2 9 5:00PM - 8:30PM 7 3 (MONDAY - SATURDAY) 62 Dixon St, Te Aro, 5 6011, Wellington

09/28/2021

MEDIUM

Printable Sudok

09/28/2021

1 3

N I

Printable29/09/2021, Sudoku - Easy 09:16 - 09/28/2021

ku - Easiest

T Printable Sudoku - Sudoku for kids - 09/28/2021

5 9

8 6

6 7

7 1

4 3

8 2

49 71 1 8

2 5

1 6

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6 7 4

CROSSWORD

Courtesy of Critic and Ciara White

ACROSS 2. The thing that mate with no data is always asking to join (7) 7. Person during an acid trip designated to remain sober and make sure the rest of the group don’t kill themselves (4, 5) 8. “I’m just a ‘____’ dirtbag baby” (7) 11. The Wellington rugby union team (10) 13. Board game (5) 14. “How come every time you come around my London ‘_____’ wanna go down like” (6, 6) 17. Te reo Māori for ‘Seafood’ (3, 5)

18. TV Show hosted by Hilary Barry and Jeremy Wells (5, 5) 21. The ‘Oscars’ of the fashion world (3, 5) 22. Something you’re not meant to use on a whiteboard (5) 24. The state of not being drunk (5) 25. An area of a residence where a male can enjoy his hobbies independent of normal house rules (usually of cleanliness). (3, 4) 27. Te reo Māori for ‘the treaty’ (2, 6) 28. Learning disorder that involves difficulty reading (8)

DOWN 1. Level four with takeaways (5, 5) 3. Your body’s largest organ (4) 4. For when you don’t want to dine in (8) 5. Bird with the longest wingspan in the world (9) 6. Jesus’ Mum (4) 8. Mockumentary featuring the staff of Dunder-Mifflin (3, 6) 9. TV Channel that shows Rugrats, Spongebob, Drake & Josh etc. (11)

10. Most common bird in New Zealand (5, 4) 12. Jesus’ Stepdad (6) 13. A jolly philanthropist visits around this time of year (9) 15. New Zealand’s only native animal (Māori word) (8) 16. Bigger than big (7) 19. Supply Co. famous for retro, hipster bags (8) 20. You should drink more (5) 23. Slang for hungover (5) 26. Common on birthdays (4)

ACROSS 3. Inventive (11) 7. Small (3) 8. Sweet quality (9) 10. Consume (3) 11. Possesses (4) 13. A flying animal and a piece of sports equipment (3) 14. Largest artery in the body (5) 16. Heals (5) 17. Another name for a feijoa is pineapple _____ (5) 18. Estimate (5)

20. Board used in a seance (5) 22. Words said at a wedding (1,2) 23. Food made with rice and seaweed (5) 24. Similar to a pickup truck (3) 25. Type of native tree 26. ‘Year’ in te reo Māori 27. Type of bread (9) 39. Nocturnal bird (3) 30. Happy but also slightly sad (11)

DOWN 1. Chinese takeaway food: _______ pork (5,3,4) 2. Citrus peel (4) 4. Female sheep (3) 5. Uncomfortable (6) 6. Bloom (6) 9. ________ mai ngā iwi (6) 12. Distrustfully (12) 13. Yellow fruit (6)

15. Scrap of cloth (3) 16. Type of dairy food (6) 18. Floor (6) 19. ABBA song (3) 21. Whole (6) 22. Problems (6) 26. Taika Waititi directed a film about this superhero (4) 28. I ___ U

COLUMNS

LIBRA

Horoscopes

You love your balance, bestie, I know. But balance does not mean three hours of study and then going out for the night. Play hard, work harder. Study break idea: Do a paint by numbers.

SAGITTARIUS

Your study planner is so pretty Sag! So was the one you made last week! How about actually following it now?? Study break idea: Call your grandma.

AQUARIUS

Be careful who you invite to join you in the study group. The stars are telling me someone is planning to bring Doritos and eat them with their mouth open. Be cautious. Study break idea: Carefully curate a meal plan.

ARIES

SCORPIO

Say no to that study date they asked you on, Scorpio. You need to pass your exams, which you won’t if you’re fraternizing. Study break idea: Walk along the waterfront.

CAPRICORN

To successfully study this exam season, make a Kahoot and try to beat all your friends who aren’t even in the same paper. Your motivation is being better than everyone else. #GirlBoss. Study break idea: Scroll through Tinder for a sugar daddy.

PISCES

No, Pisces, sitting in front of your laptop and spending 10 minutes picking out a font does not count as doing any work. Stop procrastinating. Study break idea: Make a playlist for the summer roadies you won’t take.

TAURUS

Don’t study from home this week. Go the library so that you don’t ruin your relationship with your flatties by showing them a stupid TikTok every five minutes.

You need to stop rewarding yourself with takeaways or boujee coffee every time you complete a minimal amount of work. Grow up.

Study break idea: Do a High School Musical HITT workout.

Study break idea: Watch a TED Talk on how to be a boss bitch.

GEMINI

Try playing some music while you do your work to keep you from being too bored. I personally would recommend Bach’s Cello Suite No. 1 in G Major. A classic. Study break idea: Write a Lee Jung-jae fanfiction on Wattpad.

LEO

Just keep to yourself this study season, Leo. You’re pissing me off Study break idea: Take a good, hard look at yourself in the mirror.

CANCER

You love your balance, bestie, I know. But balance does not mean three hours of study and then going out for the night. Play hard, work harder. Study break idea: Do a paint by numbers.

VIRGO

Buy an adult colouring-in book to keep you feeling sane this exam. Not only will it calm you down but will also make you feel like you’re still being productive while on your study breaks. Study break idea: Buy some seeds and a pot. Nurse the plant to its full sexiness. COLUMNS

ANSWERS

Massive's Jumbo Crossword

JUMBO CROSSWORD

1 2

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p i

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s r

JUMBO QUIZ

d u

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p c h

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Across

Down 1. The most intense drinking game at the party 2. Inebriated, intoxicated. 3. A term used to describe drugs, particularly MDMA 14. Name of the couple, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie 5. What you're going to fail 15. Always wear one of these, kids! 6. That person who always asks if you can buy them 16. That weird tinfoiled food24. item that the has 27. Te Tiriti ACROSS 22. Vivid Sober 25. Editor Man cave 5. Albatross 6. Mary 8. The Office 9. a drink in town been banging on28. about all year Dyslexia Nickleodeon 10. Blackbird 12. Joseph 13. 2. Hotspot 7. Life Guard 8. Teenage 8. What Fergus feels, constantly 17. So alty Christmas 15. Pekapeka 16. Massive 19. 11.Hurricanes 13. Chess 14. London Bridge DOWN 9. The best biscuit 20. to masturbate on, as 26. deemed 20. Troll version of Shakespeare lover Herschel Water 23. Dusty Cakeby 17. Kai Moana 18. Seven Sharp 21. Met Gala 1. Level three 3.Skin 4. Takeaway Massive 21. Tits 11. Truly fucking terrible $6 wine 22. Like a worse version of TikTok 12. "definition make them boys go loco" 23. Arguably better than Netflix charger, used inhale 18. Ground ACROSS 24. love Ute 25. Rātā 26. Tau 27. Sourdough13. 29.whipped 13.cream Banana 15. Rag 16.toCheese 24. The act of making Owl 30. Bittersweet 19. continually SOS 21. Intact 26. Thor 28. 15. What we fuck22. upIssues on 3. Resourceful 7. Wee 8. Sweetness 27. The10. actEat of swirling one’s drink, usually beer, and Owethe most delicious pipe to smoke out of 11. Owns 13. Bat 14. Aorta 16. Cures Sweetness 2. Zest 4. Ewe 5. 18. Honestly then17. skulling it DOWN all in one1.go. 19. Name of hot, sexy Ram Guava 18. Guess 20. Ouija 22.31. I doA23. Sushi Uneasy 6.a hungover Flower 9. state, Tūtiraas12. Suspiciously term used to describe well as any uncomfortable situation 25. "Dude, where's my____" 33. What you need to do to pass exams 26. Masturbating over cookies competition which experience drama this year 1. C) 2. A) 3. C) 4. A) 5. D) 6. B) 4. 7. Wiggle A) 8. C) member 9. B) 10. D) 11. D) 12. B) 13. A) 14.7.B)The 15.most D) 16.feared place to go on Ketamine B) 17. B) 18. D) 19. A) 20. B) 10. golden winged statue on Albany campus

CROSSWORD TWO

CROSSWORD THREE

EINSTEIN’S RIDDLE DIABOLICAL

1. 2. 3. 4. 5. 6.

Open Up You’re Under Arrest Double Crossed I Understand Hole in 1 Holy Cow

7. 8. 9. 10. 11. 12.

All Around Tricycle Good Afternoon High Chair Big Mac Down Under

WORDSEARCH

The Aviation Student owns the fish

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