Massive Magazine Issue 02 2021 by Massive Magazine

MASSIVE ISSUE 02

most booze THE GOLDEN RATIO: Getting the FREE SHIT: Where to find it SURVIVING STUDYLINK: Can it be done?

for your buck

MARCH 01/2021

Table of Contents

06 News

10 Opinion: Covid Briefings

11 The Golden Ratio

14 Who Looks After the Nurses?

18 Free Shit

22 Student Budgets

26 The Ultimate Frozen Coke Review

28 Kiwiburn

32 Toga Party Collage

33 Columns

38 Puzzles

39 Horoscopes

editor: Caroline Moratti sub editor: Jamie Mactaggart culture editor: Liv Redman news editor: James Pocock staff writers: Kiedis-Haze Viel, Cameron Taylor, Elena McIntyre-Reet, Rimu Bhooi, Liam McGuire, designer: Micah Davis-Rae photographers: Callum Parsons @callumoparsons.nz Liam McGuire illustrator: Tallulah Farrar @tallulahfarrar contributors: Ace Pilgrim cover photo/inside spread: Callum Parsons contact: editor@massivemagazine.org.nz Facebook/massive.magazine Instagram/massivemagazine www.massivemagazine.org.nz read online: issu.com/massivemagazine

Got a letter to the Editor? Email editor@massivemagazine.org.nz to rant, flirt, complain, whatever x Massive is registered under the New Zealand Press Council which allows our reader to reach out to an independent forum for resolving complaints you may have. Massive is also a member of the Aotearoa Student Press Association. The views, beliefs and opinions reflected in the pages of Massive do not necessarily represent those of Massey University, its staff, ASA, MUSA, MAWSA, M@D or the Massive Editor. MAWSA is an independent organisation that publishes Massive. Send any queries or complaints directly to Massive at editor@ massivemagazine.org.nz. Massive is subject to the New Zealand Press Council. If a complainant is not satisfied with the response from Massive, the complaint may be referred to the Press Council: info@presscouncil.org. nz or online via presscouncil.org.nz.

Editor’s Letter I hope everyone is settling into the new year! To those starting Massey for the first time, this can be a confusing time of year - of trying to make friends, settle in, and adjust to uni life. Don’t worry if you feel lost. Truth be told, Massey is a fucking confusing place. It’s really not designed for functioning humans. Take, for example, Massey Wellington or Auckland. All the buildings are fucking numbered. I hate it so much. If you tell me to go to building 10 or 12, babe, I don’t know where that is! The buildings aren’t even numbered logically. In Auckland, it goes building 1, 2 and then 6. What the absolute fuck! Worst of all, there’s not even good map signage around Massey. The Powers That Be seem to welcome chaos. Please, I am begging someone, just give the buildings proper names. It can even be coloured based, I don’t care. The “blue” building, whatever will best please our overlords. Lost freshers, this is not your fault. Building 6 is hard to find. Forget about building 7, it’s a write-off. Massey is the clitoris of university buildings. Manawatū, you’re doing an amazing job, sweetie. We’ll talk about your Sweet Chilli Schnitzels later. They’re under a heat lamp for far too long and you know it. Not only are Massey buildings hard to find, most of the time they’re locked. But not properly locked, just dumb locked. After hours, which basically mean on the weekend or anytime back 5pm, certain doors lock but others remain wide open. This isn’t enough to prevent petty theft; if you wanted to steal some shit, just take some stairs or an elevator and you’re sweet. But it’s enough to prevent the passage of students simply wanting to get from one place, to another. You’re in the design part of the Wellington campus and want to get to the library on a Saturday? Well too bad. All the obvious routes are blocked, apart from one door on the very other side of campus. It’s just, well, kinda shit. It confuses students and deters them from fully accessing faculties that they’re entitled to. Won’t somebody please think of the children/urban planning! So, if you’re lost, emotionally or physically, you’re not alone. Wanna have a bitch about it? Email editor@massivemagazine.org.nz

Letters to the Editor Did you love or hate our latest issue? E-mail the editor to have your say: (be nice - she has an incredibly fragile ego) editor@massivemagazine.org.nz

To The Editor Of Massive Magazine

Dear Caroline,

I Was Excited To Pick Up The First Issue For The Year Only To See That It Is Called “Housing” And Is Full Of Anti Landlord Propoganda. I Am Not A Massey Student And Never Have Been But I Hope In Future You Won’t Exclude Members Of The Landlord Demographic Such As Myself In Your Publication. It Is Landlordphobic And I Know You Can Do Better.

Why is it called Massive? It doesn’t seem to be comparatively larger than many other common household objects. I would be fascinated to learn the twists and turns of history that led to such a unique designation.

Kind Regards, Martine Cutler

I expect your reply on the evening post. I will wait by the mailbox until it comes. I will sit there in the dark and the snow, my tears freezing solid and causing some discomfort. Yours sincerely, Charlie

Kia ora koutou Kicking off the new year, it’s important to know your rights as renters and where you can get help. A recent Massive article talked about changes for tenants. If you’re not sure what recent changes to tenancy rights mean, make sure you know where you stand before you act. For example, while landlords must reasonably allow minor changes to the property, you still need the landlord’s consent or a Tenancy Tribunal order before you start making any changes. The Healthy Homes Standards may not apply to some tenancies until July 2024, but a landlord must still provide a form of heating in your living area under the 1947 Housing Improvement Regulations regardless. Want to find out more or know where you stand? There is lot’s of free advice and support available, from Tenancy Services to your local CAB, Community Law, Student Advocate, or Tenant Organisation. Feel free to contact us at the Manawatū Tenants’ Union by email on info@mtu.org.nz for free tenant advice and advocacy. All the best, Ben Schmidt Coordinator Manawatū Tenants’ Union

MASSIVE NEWS

Massey O-Week success despite stutter start The freshers and not-so-fresh rejoice JAMES POCOCK

NATIONAL NEWS

After a brief lockdown period where things looked uncertain, Massey and its student associations have been able to confidently reboot and revise the O-Week festivities. In Palmerston North, the Massey University Students’ Association (MUSA), halls of residence and Massey decided to do a FutureFest Make-Up as the alert levels lifted. The events were from 7pm onwards Thursday to Saturday, held across the campus. MUSA President Fatima Imran says, “We had music cranking. It was for the first years mainly so they had a space to enjoy themselves despite all the big events being cancelled.” Videos posted by MUSA show crowds of around 20-30

people dancing, with 62 students having clicked “going” on the event page. One student said the make-up events were “a little bit shit and sad, but it was nice that they tried to throw something together. I think people appreciated that.” In Wellington, the night-time O-Week events, held in a collaboration between Victoria University of Wellington Students’ Association (VUWSA) and Massey at Wellington Students’ Association (MAWSA), were all able to go ahead with minor line-up adjustments after the return to Alert Level 1 on Wednesday. MAWSA President Tessa Guest says the events so far have all been a “smash hit”. “It looked like the students had the time of their lives, and everyone was looked after well. It was easy to spot the Massey students, because they’d see our blue MAWSA t-shirts and yell ‘MASSEYYYYY’, which was adorable.” One student confirmed that the vibes were “lit” to various drunken cheers. Daytime O-Week events have also been still full steam ahead in the first week of the semester, with Tessa NEWS

reporting that “the vibes are through the roof so far. We’ve had sunshine, good tunes, lots of food to give out, and lots of good yarns with freshers. I think we’ve got a pretty topnotch batch of incoming students this year!” The live music reportedly drew complaints from surrounding classrooms and staff, which is how you know it’s a good time. In Albany, Albany Students’ Association (ASA) President Ben Austin reports that their O-Week is scheduled to happen in Week 2 alongside Clubs Day and other club events. Despite initial disappointment at the postponement, first year Bella made the most out of the situation, and believes it made her closer with the others in her hall. “We have been doing smaller group events like mug painting and a quiz night which has been super fun. Watching the online events with friends has been good.” Now her and her fellow first years may get to enjoy the feeling of a second O-Week, as the postponed events return to campuses.

Massey Online Learning Centre opens in China International students stay safe, not stuck at home JAMES POCOCK

NATIONAL NEWS

the College of Creative Arts via online learning. It consists of three classrooms fitted for online streaming of lectures with WiFi and IT support. Deputy Vice-Chancellor, Students and Global Engagement, Tere McGonagle-Daly says this is the first time Massey has delivered learning via an offshore learning centre. “Massey University has a long-standing relationship with NUFE, including a 10-year partnership with Massey Business School, and we are thrilled to partner with them on this pilot programme to provide an on-campus experience for our returning students who are unable to re-join us in New Zealand.” A New Zealand visa is not required to use the Massey Learning Centre, however taking up accommodation at the NUFE campus is a requirement to participate in the programme and use its services. Otherwise, the service comes at no extra cost to students besides normal Massey tuition fees. Classes started for students on 22 February, but they won’t be able to begin using the centre until the NUFE campus opens on 1 March. Students will be able to move in after 26 February. All the places have been filled and applications are closed for students this semester, but there may be another opportunity for Massey students in China to apply for next semester.

Palmerston North students welcome new Karaoke Bar Y’all better get ready for my “Wagon Wheel” solo CAMERON TAYLOR

PALMERSTON NORTH NEWS

Students have a new nightlife destination in Palmerston North as karaoke bar ‘Flavour Bar’ opens its doors on Main Street this month. The news has been met with great excitement from Palmy students, especially with the recent closure of the classic China Inn (rest in peace, you will be missed), which was formerly the only dedicated karaoke bar in the city.

A new Massey Learning Centre has recently debuted this semester as an option for students who have been forced to remain in China due to Covid-19. The Massey Learning Centre has opened in collaboration with the Nanjing University of Finance and Economics (NUFE). The dedicated learning centre on the NUFE campus is made to cater to the needs of 80 full-time students from Massey’s Business School and 20 full-time students from

Students praised the new destination as “something new to do in this shit town”. Student Amy said “Fuck yeah. I can do a mean “Hot and Cold” by Katy Perry.” Ex-Massey student Jack even reckons he “would absolutely road trip to Palmy and force all my buddies to sing there, just to see if it could compare”. Owners Viet and Shaniya have confirmed that the bar will be catered towards the student budget. One drink purchase gives customers access to the karaoke bar all night, and students who present their IDs will get a discount off the cocktail menu. None of this ‘buy a drink per song’ bullshit to run us dry of our very limited funds.

NEWS

Viet was prompted to open up the bar with the intention of “bringing fun to the students” and “being student-budget friendly”. Shinaya loves the idea of “mixing it up a little bit”, with themed events and competitions being planned to be held regularly throughout the year. Flavour Bar will be open Friday and Saturday nights in the Flavour Bistro restaurant, which is located on the Main St side of the Downtown Complex. Personally, I can’t wait to hit it up on a Saturday night after pre-drinks, get hyped.

Journalism students struggled with enrolment issues If Stream told me I had errors with my course enrolments, no offence, but I would simply drop out CAROLINE MORATTI

NATIONAL NEWS

Students attempting to add papers to their Postgraduate Diploma of Journalism were faced with error messages, causing confusion and uncertainty following the course’s 2021 structural changes.

However, since being contacted by Massive, Costello says she “found out that it wasn’t a late change to the course but rather that the now obsolete co-requisite requirement for the course had not been removed, so course enrolments were flagged for a manual check.” She says the error has since been corrected. Overall, there have been 26 inquiries into the PGDip in Journalism which Costello says “is 0.3% of all course enrolment inquiries since 1 October 2020 and 0.1% of all inquiries – about what we would normally expect”. However, James notes that only 15 people attend his class in-person and comments that 26 “seems high”.

Albany welcomes new child care facilities Might consider checking my drunk mate in after a few

A spokesperson from the University said that the issue was administrative resulting from changes to the “programme undertaken taken last year not translating into associate rule changes”. The spokesperson went on to say that “Massey University recognises how incredibly frustrating for everyone this has been, particularly for the students”. James, a Journalism student, says that he had to go to academic advice for help, and even though they were “very kind, the best they could do for me was tell me to put all the courses I wanted to do through special permission, which takes an uncertain amount of time”. James also notes that the advice he was given was, at times, directly contradictory between different advisors. “I wasn’t sure if I would be actually enrolled when the semester started, which resulted in a bunch of stress that could have been avoided with a working system.” He understands the unique situation of the course in an over-hauled curriculum, but is concerned that if one error like this could slip through the cracks, then other similar errors may have for other courses now or in the future. Another student told Massive that the situation was “a bit stressful and confusing. I wasn’t sure that people knew what I wanted and I don’t think the advisors knew about the new course. And I was just calling all these different people and they weren’t telling me the right information. The course advisors just didn’t know how the course was structured.” She went through three different student advisors, with the issue taking more than a month to sort out. Manager of Student Administrative Operations, Debbie Costello, told Massive she wasn’t aware of any specific technical difficulties with course enrolments for the year.

CAROLINE MORATTI

ALBANY NEWS

Massey Child Care Centre recently announced the opening of their new centre in Albany to great response. Located in Albany’s Oteha Rohe precinct, the centre provides care for children from a range of young ages. Over the past year, they’ve worked in collaboration with Massey University to manage the operation of childcare services for the area, including the new build. There was a slight delay thanks to Covid-19 (that ol’ thing) so opening was pushed to February, with the centre now up and running for the new year. General Manager Alison Angel told Massive the development was in effort to “service the University and NEWS

wider community” and the team is grateful for the support of both. Alison estimates the centre is now “around three times bigger in physical size that the old centre in Albany”, with expansion of indoor and outdoor spaces to allow room for creativity and growth. She notes that the space is “very big which is very exciting to provide multiple areas for the children to use”. The centre is increasing their numbers accordingly, from 40 children to 60, as well as more staff, as a result. This move comes after the incorporated society’s success at the Manawatū campus, which boasts three different childcare options for parents. As of yet, there are still no plans for any facilities at the Wellington campus lol.

Students swipe goodies out of Exec bags Turns out students want Red Bull and condoms, not student association stickers. Who knew? CAROLINE MORATTI

WELLINGTON NEWS

Wellington Student Exec staff are left disgruntled after witnessing several students swiping several products from the free MAWSA tote bags that staff provided for O-Week.

Tessa Guest, MAWSA President, says “People are rummaging through our tote bags and taking whatever they desired. I’ve seen people taking Red Bulls, boxes of condoms ... and I think it’s pretty disrespectful, to be honest. MAWSA has limited resources and we’re trying to supply something fun and interesting for all of our new students.” The MAWSA bag contains an Harraway Oat Sachet, a Massey University notebook, a box of Durex Condoms, a Red Bull, an O-Week guide (designed by Massive lol) and some advertising pamphlets. Pretty juicy stuff. Tessa witnessed one of the thefts in plain sight, saying “I was frankly shocked. I sat in my office, well I was panicked, I froze. I couldn’t believe that people were openly coming in, taking something out of a bag and then just walking away. That shocked me and they’d gone by the time I’d really processed that had happened.” She hopes that going forward, students will be more conscious of others, but says that these occurrences are just the rare minority. “Everyone’s wonderful,” she gushes, repressing the trauma deep inside of her. As Massive has published a feature in this issue about how to swipe free shit from around campus, we can neither discourage or encourage this kind of behaviour. But next time, don’t forget about the porridge sachets. You can make some good edibles with them.

OPINION: GOVERNMENT IS DOING AN OKAY JOBTHE WITH COVID BRIEFINGS. THEY NEED TO DO BETTER. It’s been almost a year since the first Covid-19 briefing. How are they still fucking up the comms? Why isn’t there a te reo Māori interpreter present? Where does Jacinda get her fits from? Why can’t anyone pronounce Papatoetoe? Is Ashley okay? His frown lines have deepened. I have so many questions that no one will answer. I sit patiently by my laptop every day waiting for the ‘kia ora koutou katoa’ not to sound like ‘cardoor’. I am disappointed every time. Don’t get me wrong, this government has done a pretty good job keeping us all safe. I feel lucky to be here in Aotearoa; at least our PM knows we’re in the middle of a global pandemic. But there is so much left unaccounted for. The last government was acting quick, so some oversight can be forgiven, but this year we have a new government, a new team and a new variant. So, I don’t think it’s too much to say that we deserve better. How the fuck is there still no te reo Māori live broadcast? The information we’ve all seen over the last 12 months has been in English. There’s been a New Zealand Sign Language interpreter since day one. While it’s acceptable that the Covid-19 govt website provides a translated version of resources and information packets, there’s been little attempt by the suits in Parliament to include Māori in the decision-making and sharing process. Groups like Protect Our Whakapapa (PoW) were forced to step in. Māori have always looked after their whānau, hapū and iwi. Via social media, PoW has done a brilliant job keeping their following up to date, te ao Māori style. I’m still waiting for a brave reporter to ask Jacinda why she’s not actively including Māori. People who speak some reo Māori, or only speak reo Māori are being excluded. Dr Ashley, heartthrob and Director-General of Health, took the country by storm last March purely because we hardly ever see a white cis het man who can actually complete a task competently. Talk about straight women freaking out over the bare minimum. Look, I swoon over his decent reo pronunciation as much as the next person, but team, the shower curtains and tea towels are a bit much. He does his job, doesn’t have drama, can communicate – maybe the nation lost their collective shit because he’s the

boyfriend we never had. IDK. I just wish we all had more Ashleys in our lives so that we’d stop chucking bouquets of roses at this poor married man’s feet. Chris Hipkins, on the other hand, Jesus, could we have a more frustrating minister? Every time there’s a fuck up, he just keeps saying there have been communication challenges. Yeah Chris, we know. Quick reminder, he’s the Minister who gave us an extra $1,000 to add to our debt. To help with Covid-19 relief. More debt. The man is pure genius. Oh, and that $20mil we get over four years to share between all tertiary students who experience financial hardship. So, like $5 pp per year. Cool cool cool no doubt no doubt. Jacinda is the one who put this piece of Tip Top Super Fresh white bread in charge of the Covid-19 response, so maybe she’s to blame. Yeah, maybe her fits are fire, and her communication reminds us of our fun aunt, but Jacinda Ardern is still our elected leader. No matter how much you adore her, for her DJ days, or token hugs given to marginalised people, I can guarantee that queer people who were tortured under the guise of conversion therapy, and the whānau at Ihumātao who were almost imprisoned feel differently. If Jacinda feels safe to you, you’ll listen to her briefings, look at her presence and see her as the mum of the nation, out to protect us all. When you’re someone who sees through the PR mirage, you see her for what she is; a Prime Minister, just like any other, who puts her focus on the people who voted her in and keeps their vote by supporting their interests and wellbeing above all else. Maybe I don’t need a reporter to ask Aunty Cindy those questions. I feel like I already know the answers.

The Golden Ratio

Massive does the Maths. What’s the best booze for your buck? By Caroline Moratti The Golden Ratio is a mysterious and elusive entity, much like the female orgasm or what’s really in my MDMA. No not that Golden Ratio, sad design students. In studentlore, the Golden Ratio is, essentially, is one dollar per standard unit of alcohol. This is about getting the best bang for your buck, nothing else. Often we, as simple students, forget such principles and lose sight of the Golden Ratio. Sometimes for taste, such as enjoying white wine over red or having a favourite brand of beer, but mostly because we’re all not very good at maths, which is why we’re at Massey University. Our one collective shame. Massive went out on a quest to find, and conquer, such a beast. For the purposes of simplicity, I’m sticking

with a supermarket over a liquor store, specifically Countdown because it is close to my house lol. I also chose to ignore prices on special; those are flimsy, irrelevant pieces of data. Original pricing stands the true test of time. Taste is not a concern for me, and nor should it for anyone who swallows semen or drinks vodka. We are long past the point of expensive, cute label RTDs that goes towards fucking saving elephants or sharks. Those elephants don’t need that money, I do. We are poor, downtrodden students looking to sink enough piss to, quite probably, piss ourselves in our living rooms. Cheap booze is the name of the game. The Golden Ratio our home-run. Batter up.

CIDER Cider has some fond memories for me, a personal favourite from my time as a fresher. It’s just sweet enough to wash away all the bitter memories of my high-school boyfriend breaking up with me. Doing scrumpy hands - taping a bottle of scrumpy to both hands - literally stopped me from texting him. Good times. To pinpoint our best bet here, automatically we need to discard any single cans. I’m sorry Rekorderlig, you’re delicious but deadly on the wallet. Paying upwards of $5 for a 1-2 standard drink is blasphemous in our quest for the truth. Boxes of cider cans/bottles didn’t fare much better. Take Isaac’s cider for example, a 12-bottle wonder, coming in at a pretty meh $1.47. I don’t even WANT to talk about Seltzer’s. My God, they are honestly just taking the piss at this moment. $2 or $3 dollars per standard? Countdown, you can take your “alcoholic sparkling water” (which, for the record, sounds fucking weird) and shove it up your corporate assholes. In the end, there are really only two contenders: Harvest Scrumpy, otherwise known as the original “Scrumpy” and Old Mout Scrumpy. Yep, the big $10 bottles that make you want to rub your nipples and throw up in a bush somewhere. God bless. The biggest takeaway from my time in cider-town is to always look for the word “Scrumpy” on the label. That little word makes all the difference. Something like Old Mout Boysencider only has 4 standards to Old Mout’s Scrumpy Cider Blackcurrant which carries a cheerier 8.2 standards. The devil’s in the detail. In a shocking twist, Harvest Scrumpy placed second, rounding out at $1.23 dollar per standard. In a narrow finish, Old Mout Scrumpy placed first at $1.21. Not the Golden Ratio, but not bad for the ol’ gal.

BEER I only drink beer when I’m trying to sleep with guys, in the hopes that it will make me seem cool and normal. In reality I’m forced to spend 20 minutes hiccuping in a bathroom of a party, cursing the very day I was born. With often only 1.3 standard drinks a can, beers are simply not economically efficient. A Golden Ratio does not a beer maketh. I didn’t even bother to touch craft beers, for their horrendous price automatically disqualifies them from this horse race. Some beers were just trying to piss me off, like Corona Extra at $1.92 per standard. Corona Extra, you can go fuck yourself. Heineken wasn’t much better at $1.73 or DB Export Gold at $1.60. A lot of beers toed a cautious middle line, such as Double Browns ($1.27) or even the dearly loved VBs ($1.38) and Flame ($1.12) In the end there were only three that even dared to creep towards the golden finish line. In third place, at a dollar/standard ratio of $1.1 was Kromacher, an intriguing Germanic brew. A close second, was Ranfurly Draught at a pleasing $1.04. Huge hats off to the small town of Ranfurly for finally doing something of significance. Although Massey campuses may be based in the North Island, perhaps, at heart, we are Southern people. T Finally, finishing out at first place was Bavaria 8.6 Original Holland Beer Cans at a whooping $1.02 dollar per standard. Close but no cigar. But still fucking excellent stuff from the people that gave us legalised weed and Stroopwafels, I fucking love those little guys

BOTTLED WINE Ah, wine; the fancy alcohol of fancy people. Perfect for a curry, a cheese’n’cracker or a cheeky cry-wank in your childhood bedroom. Could she carry us over the line? To begin, white wine is automatically disqualified from this conversation. I’m sorry, but red simply always, time and time again, has the higher standard. I’m not happy about it either, believe me, but this is where the chips fall. Shiraz also wins hands down compared to Merlot, Pinot Noir, and Cabernet Sauvignon. We can spend the day pussy-footing around different brands and whatnot, but in the end, there’s only really a few dirt-cheap ones. You know, the ones that taste like utter shit, but fuck, it’s $7 so you still suckle at its teet once the StudyLink runs dry. There were a few of these options that, despite promising prices, failed to deliver that all-orgasmic ratio. Both Forget Me Not Shiraz and Makaraka Estate Shiraz stopped short at $1.08. Much like dry humping, you can only get so far. But finally, pure relief! The ecstasy of pure, conveniently-priced bliss! In second, at a delightful $0.96 was Picture Perfect Shiraz, living up to its name. And first, well, you might have guessed it: Cleanskin Shiraz at a ejaculatory $0.84 dollar per standard. Oh Cleanskin, was there really any other option? A little cheap, a little nasty, but oh so sexy - much like your mum.

BOXED WINE/CASK/GOON Of course, bottled wine is one thing. Boxed wine is a whole other ball-game. Gone is the expensive, weighty glass. In its place: flimsy, low-cost plastic hidden inside cardboard. Goons, perhaps best known for the infamous drinking game “Goon of Fortune” where a bag is placed on a clothesline and spun, are the cheapest wines in the game. Placing third, a tied effort between Country Cask Red and Chasseur Cask Classic Red hits the buzzer straight on $1. Smashing stuff, guys. In second, another tie (!): Longridge Merlot Cabernet Sauvignon, and Banrock Station Cask Wine Shiraz Cabernet at $0.9. In first, at really no surprise, except perhaps that it’s a white wine: Cleanskin Cask Dry White at $0.84. If they sold red goon, just imagine what this company could achieve. I tip my hat to you, Cleanskin.

TO CONCLUDE Dear readers, we went on a quest today for the Golden Ratio, and the Golden Ratio we did find. So, for cider and beer, a bit of solid stimulation, but in the end, both pulls out and finishes on the bedsheets. In the end, only wine truly comes inside of you, fucking you hard and good. Legs-above-my-head kind of good. The Golden Ratio, and then some. The cost-effectiveness on that girth! In the end, it was Cleanskin that took out the title, and my heart. She’s utter shit but, my God, she’s sturdy. The Golden Ratio isn’t meant to be delicious, or easy. To deserve such an honour, you have to put the work in. You have to earn it. If you have reason to think you can top our winners, please write in (editor@massivemagazine.co.nz). As always, supermarket specials can tip some drinks towards that delicious, golden ratio, and you should always bask in that warm sun when it doth shine upon your liquor aisle. But for now, drink Cleanskin and rejoice. Or throw up. Whatever you want to do with this sacred knowledge.

Who Looks After the Nurses? Recent news reports from Ministry of Isolation and Quarantine (MIQ) Nurses reveal understaffing and pay cuts. Massey Nursing graduates share their thoughts and fears for their future. By Rimu Bhooi

IQ nurses are being exploited. Their pay has been cut, by a lot, and they’ve reported working mighty rough 24-hour shifts. District Health Boards are the regional authorities who get to decide how the government funding they’re given is spent. Sadly, looking after essential front-line health workers doesn’t seem to high up that list. They’ve reportedly cut pay from $50 to $35 an hour. Working one of the riskiest jobs in the country, MIQ nurses are bearing the brunt of an ever-changing pandemic and a dysfunctional healthcare system. Last year, a fair number of New Zealanders called on Jacinda’s Government to provide essential workers to be paid a ‘hazard pay’. This is basically extra income to recognise the workers are doing something requested of them and that they don’t have to do. Legally, the Government doesn’t have to pay them more, but cutting wages during a brutal pandemic seems a little coldhearted. Good thing DHB Boards are mostly elected representatives so we can vote off the useless old white men. I guess Aunty Cindy’s “be kind” message is supposed to fill the bellies of our essential workers. They could just have better infection control protocols, staff mental health support, and actually treat nurses fairly, but that might be too big of an ask. The MIQ nurses are afraid that this could mean the virus gets through our border and quarantine control, and honestly, I can’t help but agree. When we’re treating our nurses like shit, I don’t know how we expect them to do a hero’s

job. Massive spoke to two recent Massey Nursing School graduates about the precariousness of a career in healthcare amid a pandemic, ironically, prior to the last community outbreak over Waitangi Weekend. George Truebridge is a recent graduate nurse and now works at a hospital in Manawatū. He said “the pay side of things is quite disturbing to me. People who choose to train as nurses never truly do it just for themselves, they are very giving and selfless people.” Whether shown through actions or words, Aotearoa knows how hard our nurse’s work; now and always. George described the whare tapa whā healthcare model, saying “nurses nurse the whole person. They don’t just give treatment.” George outlined good healthcare, including a patient’s “physical, mental, spiritual and whānau needs as well”. In MIQ facilities, this decrease in pay is invalidating “the rest (of the work) that they do”. Spaino*, another recent graduate and a nurse in Pōneke/ Wellington, confirmed these anxieties. She indicated that nurses are never in it for the money and that nurses have always said their wages need to reflect their work. These young nurses have always known that the income wouldn’t be the best, but they were hopeful of change and said they had great respect for suitable protocols that keep everyone safe and healthy. George believed that MIQ nurses should receive pay that represents the hazard and significance of their jobs. He

firmly maintained that MIQ nurses should be paid enough to cover the risk of Covid-19 anyway which, he said, “they’re obviously not”. “Nurses are just being put out into these MIQ facilities, doing the work, going home and are absolutely knackered; and they’re not getting much for it.” Both of the nurses I spoke to worked in public facilities. The ever-present potential of community outbreaks, and being on call for Covid-19 wards, was a worry for them. Spaino has worked at her current workplace, a rest home facility, since last year. Her final year of uni was strained. A placement

said advocacy groups would be crucial to the vaccination process and ensuring front-line healthcare workers are vaccinated as early as possible. Although they were both aware of the unions and advocacy groups available to them, I still couldn’t help but wonder whether change was actually happening or whether anything would change. Spaino’s primary concern was the flow of communication for Covid-19 updates. In her experience, she brought up that the onus is often on nurses to find the Covid-19 and alert level updates themselves and stay informed. Infection protocols and training is an instance where, she says, your management could make all the difference. Although resourcing, staff,

“I know Aotearoa thanks nurses for the lifesaving they do, but not always in the ways they need. Hashtags and posters only go so far when your pay is cut semi-regularly.” at a general practice clinic was cut short and replaced with over-the-phone health care assessments. There were huge concerns at the time, for all hands-on courses like healthcare about whether the students would be ill-prepared if they moved to solely online learning. Spaino noted that she knows of current nursing students who feel “disadvantaged” over “self-directed learning”. Last year her workplace had multiple GPs who worked in numerous workplaces; with each facility having different infection control rules. She threw light on the potentially disorganised nature of fast-paced front-line healthcare. “I didn’t see people prepared enough.” She recalled her unease during level changes last year when staff had not sanitised multiple rooms between the treatments of suspected Covid-19 cases. She took the initiative as a student on placement, to undertake the sanitisation herself. Her voice shook a little as she remembered how uncomfortable and worried she felt that no other staff had taken measures to sanitise the room. She’d witnessed firsthand some “scary” stuff like “uncooperative people… who refused to wear a mask.” Spaino said that suspected cases were being isolated, but the patients would leave because of understaffing and delays in testing. “There were systems in place, but with the quickly changing environment, people weren’t adapting quick enough.” Unite Against Exploitation-21? When I heard the nurses’ personal accounts of shit they’ve seen and how their workplaces function, I wondered what the fuck their unions were up to. The New Zealand Nurses Organisation apparently does conferences and education sessions. George told me that “negotiating contracts, pay, and working conditions are a big part of what they do”. Spaino said she was planning on joining the Nursing Society. She

training, open communication and competency might be on the agenda for many facilities, proportionate support and funding has been missing. “People are just scrambling and just don’t know what’s going on.” She suggested that “transformational leadership” focused on building morale and teamwork culture could be just the key. Improved organisational skills for management would help staff retention and better patient outcomes. I know Aotearoa thanks them for the life-saving they do, but not always in the ways they need. Hashtags and posters only go so far when your pay is cut semi-regularly. I tried ending this piece on a happy note, to say to young nurses “don’t give up!”, but it had very “ur so sexy ahaha don’t cry” vibes. Honestly, I think that when we’re in shitty situations, it’s easy to look internally to find ways to hold ourselves individually responsible; capitalism is good at making us do that. These young people love what they do, and would fight us all if we tried to fuck with their career decisions. They would, and do, go above and beyond to meet the needs of their patients. I fear that we are raising a generation of young people who are all about to burn out. We know that we could solve large scale problems by working together and forcing the system to work for all of us (or by chucking out the system and creating a better one). I think as students who are looking for work or working already, we forget that the system is at fault and that if all nurses didn’t turn up to work tomorrow, we’d all have to start listening. If this article has impacted your wellbeing - Google New Zealand Nurses Organisation, Nurse Society NZ, Community Law, Citizens Advice Bureau, your student executive, or the Mental Health Foundation if you need some situationspecific support. *Name has been changed to protect identity.

Free Shi t Words by Liv Redman Photos by Liam McGuire With uni starting back and our rent draining our bank accounts (not to mention the parties that require a draining alcohol budget) it’s only fair we do a little bit of free hunting and gathering for ourselves, is it not? God knows we pay enough in fucking university fees. If I’m paying Massey $25,000, I’ll take some loorolls and a pen, thanks.

Following the Exec’s Facebook page is where you’re gonna get the ‘free shit’ updates. Yeah, it’s kinda lame, but all things in life worth having come with a cost. The Exec also has the odd giveaway days full of free lollies, pens, tote bags, baking, and other random bits’n’bobs. Okay, I’ll stop with the propaganda now, I hate myself too don’t worry.

Without further ado, I have found some of Massey’s best free gems. Fair warning, some of these things may not exactly follow a sort of ‘code of conduct’. I’m not telling you to do these things, but also I’m not saying NOT to do them. You do you, boo.

UNI CAFES

CONDOMS

There’s a big bowl of little anti-children/STDs in the health centre, they come in a cute little packet with a lube sample too! But hey, condoms aren’t just for sex. You can use them to fish things out of the loo that you dropped – bearing in mind that the main item you drop in the toilet is your phone, you can use a condom as a DIY waterproof phone case! Also, alcohol smuggling got a whole lot easier – fill them up and shove it up ya hoo-ha for later.

EXEC BBQs:

This is THE event to get a free feed, though you need to keep an eye out for when it just happens. You’ll usually just get a whiff of where it is and generally around 12pm is the time when the smell infuses the campus. There’s always hash browns but if you’re fast enough you can get a saussie out of the fiasco as well.

This requires extra stealth, but take an extra napkin or 20 from the café! They’re good nose-blowers or for when people come around for dinner. Are you out of sugar at home? Surely there’s no harm in taking some of the sugar sachets. I have definitely been guilty of taking a couple of those forks home...

THE FREE SHELF

At every Massey campus, there’s an infamous free shelf. Filled with the most random shit going and almost always some kind of stale bread product, this is the place to be. Every now and then you can strike gold – I once found three sacks of Uncle Ben’s miracle microwave rice! In Welly, Kaibosh, a food rescue organization, provide the food and it’s a pretty mean feed. Other memorable items found there are pots, pans, t-shirts, and folders.

BATHROOMS

Weirdly enough, lots of bathrooms around Massey have a shower. Nice. You can head in with a towel and have a nice wee soak. Hell, if you’re stealthy enough take a few pumps of handwash to your hand and

carry it into the shower. As for the handwash, take an empty soap pump and fill it up with the bathroom soap. I always wondered why toilet paper is often locked in those plastic boxes in public toilets and now I know why – those giant rolls last an eternity in a flat! Do not break any of the boxes but if one happens to be unlocked, there’s a free roll or two. Alternatively, if the box is locked, you can always just keep spinning the roll and make a toilet paper waterfall into your backpack until you have the desired amount.

COFFEE:

There’s never been a better time to check out the kitchenettes around campus. Most are stocked up, but the ones that staff use always have the best supply of tea, coffee and milk. Is it slightly awkward to rock up? Maybe. Confidence is key, and you deserve that hot drink, babe. Welly also has a club called Koha Coffee, that serves filter coffee and tea on Wednesdays and Thursdays between 10am-2pm in CoLab. A one-off $5 can get you coffee for the year, but also if you’re down on the dosh, they’re not going to turn you away. Caffeine at times can feel like the only thing that is going to get us that degree in the end so it’s important to get it where and when ya can. Also, could be a funky place to meet some new people and enjoy some good brews.

FOOD:

Listen, vending machines are not the invulnerable beasts they seem. New Zealand has plenty of earthquakes, what’s the harm of giving a machine a little extra shaking every now and then? Theft isn’t great, but everyone knows that vending machine profits all go to big corporations, so fuck ‘em. In Welly, Mama Brown comes in every now and then to serve free waffles in the pyramid! This is another free-food thing that pays to be following on the ol’ socials. But they do come, and they bring a deadly number of ideal toppings.

CUDDLES:

A bit cringey I know, but sometimes dogs and cats roam around on campus. So, get yourself a pat and a cuddle! Also, if you ask for consent, then go ahead and hug anyone. Tinder is free for a reason. Overall, in my haul I collected: five condoms; two hash browns; three saussies; 20 napkins; 10 forks; two baguettes; a tote bag (with redbull, porridge, a notepad, and a pack of Durex connies); four showers; one filled 250ml soap pump; a fuck-off roll of sandpaper-toilet paper; a new friend (called El); and a wee face-scratch from Pocket the MAWSA pussy. Not a bad collection! Now I can afford that bottle of Malibu for my piña coladas this week. It’s been 2021 for a month and a bit, which has already been stressful. Hell, I thought we were all going into another lockdown for a short minute there! Release your stress build-up of deadlines, classes, and awkward ice-breaker games by taking the opportunities with anything you can get here for freeeeeeee!

MASSIVE

Is StudyLink enough for students to live on? All signs point to no. Part-time work and no social life, or no work and no money for socialising? Students face a lose-lose scenario. Words and photography by Liam McGuire Illustration by Tallulah Farrar

s many of us know, StudyLink is not enough to live a healthy, thriving and balanced life while studying. Because of this, many students face the impossible choice of working or starving, often spending hours upon hours of energy on work that does not relate to their studies simply so they can get by. Grace and James are two Massey students who’ve had to work to afford their studies. They spoke to t on their struggles balancing their uni, work and social lives. James is a fourth year Creative Media Production student working two jobs on top of his study. He talked about how he started work initially while living at home to afford food and travel to and from university. He jokingly said, “when I moved out, rent became a bit more expensive. That’s when I looked into getting a second job.” Between two jobs and fourth year study, he struggled to fit both work and university into his life without burning out. “I have my classes and my lectures, and then I have to go straight to work where I spend several hours working with kids, and my mind gets frayed. Then I come home from work, and I’m expected to recount my notes or do homework that’s hard to do after you’re exhausted from a day’s work.” This model of working to afford study is unsustainable for so many students and straining on many of the rest. “It’s just the time commitment. You’re spending so much time just splitting your attention.”

James said he found the balance between working and learning anxiety-inducing and stressful, especially as his second job involved teaching a class. “It splits your brain, having to learn how to teach and learn [the material] then do everything you have to do for uni and assignments.” James said there are a lot of “sleepless nights” because of the pressure. “There have been times where I just don’t have enough money to get through the week, so I pick up some extra shifts and, as a result, I don’t go to some classes. And at that point it’s survival or education.” For James, balancing work and university is hard enough, but finding the time for a social life is another matter entirely. “I feel like everyone wants to maintain friendships, get an education and have money to live. [My] first priority is money so I can afford things like basic necessities, food, water, rent. And then I’d like to have an education so in the future I can afford my basic necessities, so that’s second priority. And then there’s just social life which you have to just slot in there somewhere in the midst of all of that.” Having the time and energy to interact with friends is “really important for your mental health”, almost on par with things like being able to afford food and rent. He talks to the irony of working so hard to afford the basic necessities, along with keeping up with study means “you don’t have the time to hang out with your friends, and your mental health goes [he gestures wildly, and somewhat maniacally] wOoOoOoOo”.

“I’d have to choose between whether I was going to top up on fuel or top up on food, and obviously, fuel would be my priority because that’s my way of getting into uni.”

Grace is a fourth year Design student who has worked over her study, but it caused intrusive health problems. She had to drop her employment and is now just getting by on her StudyLink every week. She says that during her year of work she found that she “really had no time to study at all... I was a shell of a human being. I barely had time to sleep, like I’d get home at God knows what hour in the morning, usually around 7am and then sleep for four hours and then get up and go to uni.” She spent about 10 months of her second year doing shift work at irregular times, often nights, on top of her full-time study. Not only did it impact her eating and sleeping, but it also directly affected her health to the point of hospitalisation. “That year that I was working while studying, I ended up getting tonsillitis four times and ended the year with glandular fever,” Grace recalled, telling me she quit soon after. Ever since then, she’s been scraping by week by week on StudyLink.

When asked about her weekly spending, Grace said, “at my last flat... I paid $185 in rent per week, and bills were usually $20-30 per week.” On a budget of $239 a week, spending upwards of $205 on rent and bills alone doesn’t leave enough for the basics. Between food and fuel, there was often compromise. “I’d have to choose between whether I was going to top up on fuel or top up on food, and obviously, fuel would be my priority because that’s my way of getting into uni.” Her restricted budget has been almost as imposing as part-time work. “I’ve missed uni because I haven’t been able to afford to go to a doctor. I haven’t been able to afford fuel sometimes, and the rest of the time, I was just really run down.” Besides these obviously unsustainable and unhealthy means to survive, Grace has also had to struggle with the social and

mental burdens that accompany poverty. She told Massive, “it’s been a pretty big fucking catalyst for my depression but especially my anxiety. It’s made me stress where I’ll be able to get my next meal from. Often on a day or week to week basis, and you know it’s bad enough to skip meals and stuff but to have the extra stress about it, um, is pretty terrifying and pretty gruelling.” As someone in her fourth and final year of university, she’s found that financial stress has impacted her study and social life. She said she hasn’t had the freedom to buy things she wants, let alone “going out on the town for a weekend. I haven’t done that in a long, long time.” Both Grace and James are classic examples of the impossible choice students are forced to make. Despite different incomes and experiences, they agree that StudyLink should offer more to students for their day to day lives. Grace said, “I believe that it should sort of reflect the renter’s market at least... especially in Wellington and Auckland, where students have to pay a lot more for rent.” Both think it should be “at least $50 more,” and Grace suggesting that “another 100 would probably be more realistic”. We all know that StudyLink is a measly amount to survive, let alone thrive on. With boomers telling students left, right and centre, ‘these are the best years of your life’, there’s a bit of resentment when many of us can’t even afford the basics. Then, there’s the bitch of a followup ‘why don’t you get a job then?’ to which many of us sigh. Whether you’re working and exhausted or unemployed and depressed, there doesn’t seem to be a healthy way to afford the basics without overexerting yourself. Something needs to change; the Government needs pull their heads out of their asses and give us enough to live on. But in the meantime, settle into your diet of ramen and tears; at least you’ll own a house one day... right? Right???

The Ultimate Frozen Coke Review

Words: Cameron Taylor | Illustrations: Tallulah Farrar

Apart from the large being pushed up from $1 to $1.50 (I’ll forever be mad about this), there’s no denying that a Fro-Co from Maccas goes HARD for every occasion. Dusty from Saturday night kick-ons? Get a Fro-Co to revive yourself from the dead. Just got broken up with? Instead of sucking the dick of a mediocre man you reluctantly find on Tinder, suck from the straw of a Fro-Co instead. There’s literally NO bad time to have a Fro-Co (don’t even try to change my mind). Recently, McDonalds decided to add different mix-in flavours to their Frozen Cokes. Yes, one could argue that this is a direct duplicate from Burger King, but I’m a loyal Maccas fan through and through so I choose to blissfully ignore that. I was curious as to what each of these new flavours would taste like, and thought why not make it into a journalistic adventure? There are seven flavours available: vanilla, pineapple, blueberry, raspberry, grape, lime, and mango. However, it says there was a peach flavour too, but when I asked for it at Princess St, they said ‘we don’t actually do that flavour anymore’. I’m still unconvinced that this is a true statement, and I’m pissed because peach is my weakness. However, me and my best friend Nancy set out on a mission to sample every flavour, review them all, and rank them based on taste in an orderly fashion from 1-7, with 7 being the worst and 1 the best. 7: VANILLA: Like my speedy dick appointment the other night, I was left extremely disappointed with this flavour. You’d think that this would be the best one, considering Vanilla Coke is a creation sent from the heavens. But this shit was as bland as every white boy trying to embark on their Soundcloud career. It was as boring as my sex life before I discovered the Satisfyer Pro, which is a dark time in my life to discuss. It was just the most BASIC shit, lacking just as much flavour as Nancy’s taste in men. Skip buying this drink, and splurge a couple more dollars on a real Vanilla Coke instead. As Nancy so eloquently quoted, ‘this shit is flat as fuck’, giving it a pathetic 2/10. 6: MANGO: The only thing setting this flavour above the vanilla is the fact that it actually stimulated the taste buds in some sense. Apart from that, this shit is fucking disgusting. As soon as it hit my lips, I got the urge to spit it out (wow, another reference to my speedy dick appointment). I know that everything from Maccas is filled with chemicals, but damn, they couldn’t at least TRY to make this shit taste a little less artificial?? I wanted to feel like a God from the tropics had just busted in my mouth, but it just felt like I was force-fed the toxic juices of a crusty man instead. Therefore, we bestow it a mild 3/10.

5: LIME: Holy fuck, I was instantly transported back to Year 11 shed parties in Southland with this flavour, and not in a good way. Flashbacks of my backpack clinking with lime Cruisers as I snuck past my mum, trying to skull them (and failing miserably) at 16 years old, and then running to the bathrooms to vomit a pool of bright-green because I couldn’t stomach the sweetness. For Nancy, this flavour reminded her of the same drink, but in everyone’s favourite club - the Daily. Too many drunken nights, transferring money out of her savings to get her hands on that sweet green liquid cos that’s one of the only RTDs of choice from the limited selection. When I asked her to try it a second time, she blatantly refused. If you have a traumatic experience with lime Cruisers, consider this a trigger warning. Lime will bring back all the memories, which made us want to give it a 4/10. But, reflecting on that time is kinda iconic, bumping it up to a 4.5. 4: BLUEBERRY: Another flavour sparking memories of Cruisers, oh the joys! This flavour was slightly more tolerable, a little bit more muted than the previous fruity tastes which was quite the relief. However, that didn’t stop the Cruiser flashbacks AGAIN for both me and Nancy. Seeing as New Zealand is notorious for sinking an entire box of sickly RTDs, I think there will be a whole lot of people in the same boat. However, maybe you have a good experience with these flavours. Maybe they remind you of happier times, taking you back to simpler days when your biggest worry was finding an 18-year-old to suss your drinks for the weekend. If that’s the case, go forth my friend. Reminisce a little bit, indulge in that nostalgia. You deserve it, queen. 6/10 for nostalgic value. 3: RASPBERRY: Raspberry & coke is just a classic combo, we all know this to be true. Therefore, this mesh of flavours slid down the throat with absolute ease. You literally just can’t go wrong with this choice, in our opinion anyway. If you’re not really into strong citrus flavours, but you still want something a little bit more refreshing than a normal Fro-Co, this beauty is definitely the way to go. However, seeing as it is a typical fusion you see often, it was expected that we would enjoy this. Nothing surprising or out of the ordinary, therefore it’s ranked at a respectable third place, and a strong 7/10 on the scale. 2: GRAPE: UGHHHH, this flavour is a literal Hubba Bubba wet dream. It is very fucking lucky that they didn’t have this in stock when I started high school, because 14-year-old me would’ve spent my weekly allowance purely on this drink. It packs such a punch, but it didn’t make us want to spew our guts out. It was powerful and delicious, and it literally made us feel like children again. I’m tempted to go and spend my savings on a collection of grape Hubba Bubba bubble tape after this delightful experience, with the childlike aura prompting a solid 8/10. 1: PINEAPPLE: I hate pineapple-flavoured anything. I always have. I went into this review expecting to rank this at the lowest possible point, already knowing I was going to despise the drink. But I was proven very very wrong. I LOVED THIS FLAVOUR WITH MY ENTIRE HEART. Both me and Nancy found the pineapple to be extremely invigorating, tasting exactly like a Fruju from the dairy on a hot summer’s day. It was full of flavour, but again not to the point where we felt violently ill. 10/10, chef’s kiss, iconic, legendary. Truly the best choice out of the 7.

Culinarylingus By Liv Redman

MINI APPLE PIES WITH CARAMEL DIPPING SAUCE INGREDIENTS 2 apples ½ a tablespoon of cinnamon ¼ of a cup of brown sugar 1 pack of savoury puff pastry (pre-rolled) 1 can of condensed milk PREP TIME: 20MINS COOKING TIME: 15-20MINS MAKES: ABOUT 20 Is it just me or are our evenings getting a bit cooler? I’ve been going to bed with a bloody hot water bottle and it’s still summer… Anyway, here’s something to make you feel warm in your 100-year-old haunted flat – mini apple pies! The photo doesn’t do these guys justice because they’re meant to look like mini croissants but as per the image, they look like elf shoey-things? I just hope that if you make them, they look better than what’s displayed here. As for the caramel sauce (AKA caramel dulce de leche), I’ll chuck a wee recipe here for how to make it, but it is a 3hour process and you can buy caramel sauce in a jar instead… up to you. HOW TO MAKE THE MINI APPLE PIES: Pre-heat the oven on fan-bake at 180°. If your pastry is still frozen, thaw it in some hot water until it is unfrozen lmao. Cut up an apple into slices like your mum used to as a kid, cut them at roughly 1cm apart. In a jar (with a lid) put the sugar and cinnamon in, chuck the lid on and shake it like a polaroid picture until the two are combined. Unroll your pastry flat and cut it up into pizza-shaped slices. Place one apple slice on the shortest edge (as pictured), sprinkle about a teaspoon of your sugar and cinnamon concoction on it and roll that bitch up! Repeat this for as many apple-slices you have and place them on a tray covered in baking paper. Bake them in the oven for 15-20mins and for god’s sake – check on the bastards so that they don’t burn. Take them out of the oven once they look a nice golden-brown, serve

with your caramel dipping sauce and enjoy! HOW TO MAKE THE CARAMEL SAUCE (AKA CARAMEL DULCE DE LECHE): Put a can of sweetened condensed milk in a pot on its side and cover it with hot water. Make the water simmer with your magic hands (or by putting the stove on, whatevs). Check on it every 30mins and leave it in there for 3hours. If by now you’ve realised that making the sauce from scratch is more trouble than it’s worth, go buy some caramel sauce. Top up the water with boiling water from the kettle if need be. Once 3 hours is up, take the can out of the water and let it cool down to a non-hand

Sexcapades Sex is complicated. Made more complicated by the fact that, for some reason, I can’t stop doing it outdoors. I feel like a freak, but I’m also having great orgasms so it’s hard to feel too guilty. Help me Massive. The other day I was literally clit out against a tree, knees bent, the works.

fresh air on my cheeks!!! I want to feel the salt water lap my pussy. I want to feel alive, dammit.

It was like a scene out of fucking Bridgerton. Only I’m not shagging a fancy duke, I’m blowing the petrol station attendant that helped fill up my tank an hour ago. He was really nice about it, okay? He didn’t even make a gross joke about filling up my tank. I think I might be seeing him again next Thursday, he wants to take me to a BYO with his flatties.

I could get arrested!!! How the fuck am I meant to tell my mum and dad that, oh I don’t know, I’m in jail for getting dicked down in a bus station? I think I might also really like this guy. What if our time in a park was just an exciting one-off for him? How do I explain that I like it, like that, all the time? Maybe I’ll try opening a window next time I’m making out in bed. I hope like hell that works. But on the other-hand....I’ve always wanted to do it in a Burger King carpark....

And yet, the urge to expose myself in public continues. Not in-front of people, obviously. But there’s just something so boring, so mundane about doing it in a bed. I want to feel the

Got a confession, a naughty tale, a sexy story? Email sexcapades@massivemagazine.org.nz to submit yours xoxox

Swap it Like it’s Hot Two people swap routines for a week. Will it work? Who the fuck knows! The Massive Designer and Editor swap jobs, for lols MICAH, THE DESIGNER

CAROLINE, THE EDITOR

I have been wondering for a while now just what the fuck Caroline does all day. From what I can tell, she makes coffee that she forgets to drink, takes naps on the couch with the office cat Pocket, and occasionally organises zoom calls that nobody turns up to. So when it was suggested that we swap roles for an hour - I gotta admit I was pretty hyped on the idea. Just as I was about to get comfy on the couch however, an e-mail pinged from her computer. A news article had just been submitted that required editing. Shit.

Micah is my designer and honestly, from what I see, he just fucks around and spends hours deciding on a single font. Which, most of the time, ends up being the wrong font. In swapping roles, I a) wanted to get hands on his chair because mine is too high and I have no idea how to adjust it and b) was fucking sick of answering emails. Do you know how many people email Micah? None! He has no friends, no acquaintances! It was the perfect ruse, if not slightly sad.

I went to sit at her desk to read it and noticed that her office chair is boosted up extraordinarily high. I guess she does it to feel important and demonstrate her supremacy over the office. Admittedly, the feeling was a little intoxicating so I left it as is. Right, let’s dive in. The article had been annotated by the staff writer “uhhh.. so I know this is a little casual, I’m shit at news writing lmao could you please give it some of that magic sauce.” That magic sauce? What the fuck is that?? If Caroline is really oozing with some super-powerful jus then this is the first I’m hearing of it. The next half an hour was spent staring at a screen trying to figure out what was wrong with the piece and what the hell I could do to improve it. I thought I’d noticed a spelling error until I realised that “egotistical” was indeed the correct spelling and me thinking it was spelt “ego testicle” my entire life does nothing to change that. It’s been three days and I’m still shaken. By the time the hour was up, I was frankly relieved to be descending back to the familiar height of my office chair in my little corner of the office. Sometimes it takes leaving to know how good ya had it. WHAT I’LL MISS: The undeniable feeling of inflated selfimportance. WHAT I WON’T MISS: The soul-crushing feeling of never being good enough.

Sitting down at his glorious chair, I was assigned the role of designing the puzzle page. Puzzles are fun! Everyone loves puzzles! However, using InDesign was another matter. When I was in year 10, I used a wee bit of Adobe Photoshop to badly photoshop my high-school selfies. I honestly don’t know why no one called me out on my shit, but it landed me with an inflated ego of using Adobe Suite. Being a designer is HARD. Firstly, Micah has some truly fucked trackpad settings. It’s slow, it’s stiff, it’s like having sex with the elderly. Not that I know what that feels like, a gal can only dream. Secondly, using Indesign, I had no idea how to actually insert jpegs or pdfs. There’s so many different tools?? So, inserting puzzles was a no go. All I could do was copy and paste some text and insert some nice circles. I love circles, they’re so round. An hour felt like a lifetime. All my life, I have felt like I secretly have great taste, but I lack the skills to execute a vision. I was right. My font choices? Fucking iconic. Doing anything practical? Yuck. The end result was well, not the nice magazine you see before you. I’ll stick to answering emails, thanks. WHAT I’LL MISS: Fucking around on a nice chair, choosing between serif and sans serif WHAT I WON’T MISS: Indesign. Real bitches know what I mean.

Presidents’ Columns

ASA: BEN AUSTIN

MAWSA: TESSA GUEST

What a week it has been. Auckland in Lockdown and Christchurch remembering 10 years since the devastating earthquakes. It’s been a rocky start to the new semester. Good news is; the ASA AmigO’s Week is happening from week 2 onwards. This includes free food, free vouchers, free drink and the best part is, the Mechanical Bull that Palmy used is coming to the Albany campus. I can’t wait to see all you campus-based students at these events, and please, please come up to us and ask for more free stuff.

Kia ora kia ora kia ora! Week 2 baby, we’re in the swing of things now. I hope your classes are POPPING and you’re live-lovelaughing the uni life! Speaking of classes: want to make sure you & your friends get the education you paid for? Sign up to be a CLASS REP! These gems make sure lecturers are doing their jobs and help make big decisions on how courses are run. Free training & food involved. AND Sustainability & Wellbeing nominations are open NOW - sign up for everything on our website! Sending love, talk soon <3

MUSA: FATIMA IMRAN

M@D: JACALYN CLARE AND JAX WATT

Kia ora, everyone! Hope you all have had a smooth transition back into the university life. I know for some University seems foreign and intimidating, but trust me, with time you start to create a routine and things get easier. The best advice I could give would be to find a group of like-minded friends and explore what the university and Palmerston North has to offer. Soon you’ll find nice places to hang out and Palmy will start to feel a bit more like home. For food, George Street is a pretty good place to start.

Needless to say, the raised Covid alert level was unexpected for us all. It’s served as a reminder that it’s important to not be complacent and that M@D needs to put in place additional measures in preparation for potential higher levels of lockdown. We support the advice of our man-of-the-year, Dr. Ashley Bloomfield - keep scanning those QR codes! Covid was a priority agenda item at our first board meeting of the year, where we discussed planning for different alert levels and what supports students may need in each of these. Student outreach, student wellness, and student engagement will continue to be a priority for Massey@Distance at every Covid alert level.

SNIP, SNOP, SNAP SEND US YOUR SNAPS TO GET FEATURED IN NEXT WEEK’S EDITION

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PUZZLES

Free Crosswords Online!

Crossword 75

ACROSS 1 Lousy, perhaps? That makes you irritable (6) 4 Don’t start to give up and slowly pass away! (4,3) 9 Around end of April eccentric local man’s abandoning new type of fuel (5-4) 10 Second child married old and boring person (5) 11 Poet, say, is arrested by English officer (7) 12 Part of maths group is competent in two foreign languages? (7) 13 Standing up before court (5) 14 So she hurriedly wraps present – it’s winter footwear (8) 17 Papa’s dog eating staple food? The cost of it! (5,3) 19 Conference for one lecturer is a model of perfection (5) ACROSS 22 Artist appears in 1 Lousy, perhaps? That makes you irritable (6) photo as well (7) 4 Don’t start to give up and slowly pass away! (4,3) 9 Around end of April eccentric local man’s abandoning new type of fuel (5-4) 24 Hoarse from speaking, Chuck finishes off pint 10 Second old and boring (5) 1. Whatchild ismarried Barbie’s fullperson name? quickly (7) 11 Poet, say, is arrested by English officer (7) 12 Part of maths competent in two languages? (7) 2. What aregroup theisacronyms of foreign Massey’s 4 student 25 Writer reflected on one 13 Standing up before court (5) small antelope (5) executives? 14 So she hurriedly wraps present – it’s winter footwear (8) 26 For a start, John 17 Papa’s dog eating staple food? cost of it!songs (5,3) 3. Which singer sangThesuch as ‘White Bull’s desperate to 19 Conference for one lecturer is a model of perfection (5) Ferrari’, ‘In My Room’ and ‘Nikes’? meet girl from Prague, 22 Artist appears in photo as well (7) perhaps, or another 24 Hoarse speaking,starred Chuck finishes pint quicklyShakespeare (7) 4. HulkfromHogan inoff which capital (9) 25 Writer reflected on one small antelope (5) movie adaption? 27 Incidentally, article 26 For a start, John Bull’s desperate to meet girl from Prague, perhaps, or another capital (9) in Times will appear 27 Incidentally, article will appear in Times twice (2,3,2) 5. Which beverage company sells RTD’s titled twice (2,3,2) 28 Suffer, Rhino’ following live act (6) ‘Pink and ‘Brown Kiwi’? 28 Suffer, following live act (6) DOWN Sudoku.cool 1 Pampered girl’s back in school (8) 2 A disreputable sort regularly visited Vermeer scholars’ world (7) 3 Projectile or bullet, one cut to penetrate (9) 5 9 reasoned soundly (4-7-3) 4 4 Eddy’s admitting solicitor 5 Attack falls short, very, when scoring (5) 3 love after 2 another 6 6 One comprises misery after short time – it’s a tragedy (7) 7 American poet unknown to be unfriendly (6) 6 oyster stew, 1 kept warm in this?5(7,7) 8 Sells hot 15 Repair gel sure to hold up? (9) 16 Take 5 no risks? 1 Lincoln’s wife4 wouldn’t have agreed with this! (4,4) 18 It gives man right to return things primarily? (7) 20 American academic 7 9 supports 6 one-party state (7) 21 See doctor after old man boosted confidence? (6) 23 Conversely4some step in solely to criticise (5) 2

QUICK QUIZ!

Print the sudoku puzzle

23/02/21, 3:55 PM

Sudoku , Hard , Puzzle NO. 4717877

6 3

1 9

Sudoku

Sudoku Today ( https://sudoku.today ) Samurai Sudoku ( https://samuraisudoku.com ) Newdoku ( https://newdoku.com ) Sudoku Puzzle ( https://www.sudokupuzzle.org )

ANSWERS 1. Barbara Millicent Roberts, 2. MAWSA, ASA, M@D and MUSA 3. Frank Ocean 4. Gnomeo and Juliet 5. Part Time Rangers

https://sudoku.cool/sudoku/printable.php?id=NGDuc1xXNizngY3uN1wO0O0OO0O0O

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DOWN 1 Pampered girl’s back in school (8) 2 A disreputable sort regularly visited Vermeer scholars’ world (7) 3 Projectile or bullet, one cut to penetrate (9) 4 Eddy’s admitting solicitor reasoned soundly (4-7-3) 5 Attack falls short, very, when scoring (5) 6 One love after another comprises misery after short time – it’s a tragedy (7) 7 American poet unknown to be unfriendly (6) 8 Sells hot oyster stew, kept warm in this? (7,7) 15 Repair gel sure to hold up? (9) 16 Take no risks? Lincoln’s wife wouldn’t have agreed with this! (4,4) 18 It gives man right to return things primarily? (7) 20 American academic supports one-party state (7) 21 See doctor after old man boosted confidence? (6) 23 Conversely some step in solely to criticise (5)

Massive Magazine Wow What Cool Features News Culture Very Funny Check Them Out Buttplug, Vibrator, Arsehole, Fart

HOROSCOPES Aquarius:

Aries:

The itch down there will grow. Resist the urge to scratch. Get an STD check, urgently. Text your mum back whilst you’re at it. It’s nice to spread the love.

You’ll skip a couple of lecturers this week. The streets are your classroom. Or more accurately, Netflix and bed. Whatever! You’re 2 kwl for skwl. Lean into your bad-boy image, invest in a leather jacket or something idk.

YOUR CHOICE OF ALCOHOL THIS WEEK: Lime Cruiser

YOUR CHOICE OF ALCOHOL THIS WEEK: Scrumpy

Cancer:

Capricorn:

You’ll develop a new kink. Good luck, it’s not exactly the most socially conventional.

Consider adding some cheese to your usual 2-minute noodles. You just might be surprised.

YOUR CHOICE OF ALCOHOL THIS WEEK: The cheapest white wine that New World stocks

YOUR CHOICE OF ALCOHOL THIS WEEK: Smirnoff Ice

Gemini:

Leo:

Text that hottie in your class. Then text that other cutie. Then go on Tinder whilst you’re at it. It’s a numbers game, babe.

You’ll have a massive come-down that will almost make you want to give up your partying ways, but next weekend you’ll be out grinding your teeth to Benee all over again.

YOUR CHOICE OF ALCOHOL THIS WEEK: Gordon’s Pink Gin

YOUR CHOICE OF ALCOHOL THIS WEEK: Tequila shots!!

Libra:

Pisces:

You’ll do all your homework and still feel unfulfilled. Is there more to life than school, you ponder? Why are grades so important to you? What is the Calibri (Body) meaning of life? Time to dig deep.

Life is hard sometimes. But remember how delicious buttered toast is. Keep that thought close to you in these tough times. YOUR CHOICE OF ALCOHOL THIS WEEK: Part Time Rangers

YOUR CHOICE OF ALCOHOL THIS WEEK: Bath Salts

Sagittarius:

Scorpio:

There’ll be some heartbreak this week. Your parents will cancel your Netflix subscription. Don’t get an Amazon Prime account, no matter what free trials they’re offering.

You’ll discover a terrible secret and immediately forget it. Please do your laundry. YOUR CHOICE OF ALCOHOL THIS WEEK: Pals Vodka and Soda

YOUR CHOICE OF ALCOHOL THIS WEEK: VB’s

Taurus:

Virgo:

Stop getting addicted to nicotine, you fucking idiot.

Blowjobs just aren’t doing it for you this week. Consider ass-play.

YOUR CHOICE OF ALCOHOL THIS WEEK: Flame beer

YOUR CHOICE OF ALCOHOL THIS WEEK: Coruba Rum