Massive Magazine Issue 04 2021 by Massive Magazine

MASSIVE

ISSUE 04

MARCH 15/2021

Table of Contents

06 News

10 The Massey app sucks

12 First time drug experiences

16 Op-shop reviews

20 Centrefold

22 Course related costs

25 Women’s rugby

28 Places to cry on Manawatū campus

30 Fake IDs

33 Columns

38 Puzzles

39 Horoscopes

editor: Caroline Moratti sub editor: Jamie Mactaggart culture editor: Liv Redman news editor: James Pocock staff writers: Cameron Taylor, Elena McIntyre-Reet, Rimu Bhooi, Liam McGuire contributors: Courtney Hammond, Elizabeth Wake, Samuel Lacy designer: Micah Davis-Rae

Editor’s Letter The ten 2-minute noodle commandments: The other day I was strolling the supermarket aisles at 11:30pm (because I lead a very sad, small life) when I stopped dead in my tracks. All the Mi Goreng was sold out. Like all of it. That’s how you know when freshers are in town. And honestly? Good for them. 2-minute noodles have long been a staple for many university students. They never go off (well God, I hope not), they’re easy and well, fucking delicious.

photographers: Callum Parsons @callumoparsons.nz Liam McGuire

To me, 2-minute noodles are my go-to depression food. If you have a kettle in your room, you can often make them without even confronting your flatmates in the kitchen - just tip the water out of your window and presto!

illustrator: Tallulah Farrar @tallulahfarrar

Here are my thoughts about noods, in order:

centrefold: Callum Parsons contact: editor@massivemagazine.org.nz Facebook/massive.magazine Instagram/massivemagazine www.massivemagazine.org.nz read online: issu.com/massivemagazine

1. Anyone who uses Maggi is dead to me, that shit is rank. 2. Mi Goreng > any other flavour or brand. 3. Don’t support brands that proudly advertise “No added MSG” or some shit like that. Listen to me, MSG is delicious. I love MSG so, so much. Don’t believe the internalised racism in the media that’s turned you against MSG, all whilst dumping chicken salt over your soggy dairy fries. MSG is a flavour bomb, an umami orgasm. What, you don’t want your noodles to be as flavourful as possible? Fuck off.

Got a letter to the Editor? Email editor@massivemagazine.org.nz to rant, flirt, complain, whatever x

4. Much like pasta, you want your 2-minute noods to be al-dente. The residual heat will keep cooking them slightly, I swear. Soggy noodles are the worst.

Massive is registered under the New Zealand Press Council which allows our reader to reach out to an independent forum for resolving complaints you may have.

5. I’m all for a broth, but if you’re gonna do a broth, do it WELL. Sizzle some garlic and ginger on a pan, use some store-brought broth to make a good base. Add in shit like lemongrass, a fried egg, red onion, chilli soya bean oil, coconut milk or pork mince. Jazz that ramen up! Live your best life.

Massive is also a member of the Aotearoa Student Press Association. The views, beliefs and opinions reflected in the pages of Massive do not necessarily represent those of Massey University, its staff, ASA, MUSA, MAWSA, M@D or the Massive Editor. MAWSA is an independent organisation that publishes Massive. Send any queries or complaints directly to Massive at editor@ massivemagazine.org.nz. Massive is subject to the New Zealand Press Council. If a complainant is not satisfied with the response from W, the complaint may be referred to the Press Council: info@presscouncil.org. nz or online via presscouncil.org.nz.

6. If you can’t be fucked with putting in effort, stick to dry noodles. Cook ‘em (and NOT in a microwave, please, just put some hot water over them in a bowl), tip the water out and stir in the sachets. 7. Using the cup-ramens are never fun. Sure, they seem like a good idea, like blowjobs until you’re sore, tired and left with a weird metallic taste in your mouth. Plus, they’re worse for the environment. Stick to the packets, trust me. 8. Know thyself. You don’t have to use every last drop of the sachets if you don’t want to. I have friends who can only handle half of the chilli, or avoid the seasoning oil altogether. Knowing thyself and thy intimate noodle preference comes with time and practice, but it is possible. Eat noodles, let your inner wisdom grow. 9. One packet will leave you hungry but two packets will leave you feeling gross. It’s unavoidable. Consider becoming a freak and cutting packs in half. 10. When I’m feeling like an extra-terrible person, I like to opt for grated cheese in my noods. It’s carby, cheesy, salty. Basically, fucking delicious. If people put cheese in pasta, why not noodles? Experiment! There’s no judgement here, unless you like Maggi chicken noodles. Then you’re basically asking for judgement.

Letters to the Editor Did you love or hate our latest issue? E-mail the editor to have your say: (be nice - she has an incredibly fragile ego) editor@massivemagazine.org.nz

Why is the crossword always so cryptic. It’s borderline clueless. There isn’t even a way to verify answers. That shit’s wack. Kind regards, Disappointed Puzzler Editors’ response: Dear Disappointed Puzzler. You’re right. Our crosswords were, frankly, terrible. We were using copy-right free puzzles for the first few issues and the only crossword we could use was a cryptic crossword from a small blogsite. I apologise for the lacklustre experience. However! We have a brand-new puzzle page this week, with a very normal-looking crossword that we designed ourselves. Enjoy x

Read your golden chicken wing statue piece and all I have to say is that.....I agree. - It’s sexy and I won’t lie The construction is so loud, I literally can’t believe Massey is fucking doing this now. I studied at the library over summer and I didn’t see a single construction guy, it all seemed to begin just as the semester started. And now it’s gonna go until 2022?? Send help A stressed, tired gal

Dear editor, Lowkey getting a bit horney over these weekly sexcapades... Also, stoked about the whole sanitary items going to high-school students but seriously, what the fuck about us students? It’s been touched on that the Albany Massey campus will have100 free sanitary product boxes in bathrooms, but wtf about Manawatū and Wellington? Are you just not meant to bleed in the lower-end of the North Island? If so, I’ve definitely missed the memo. Massive, can you investigate what will happen here in Welly? Otherwise, I’m gonna start using your magazines as DIY tammies. hehe. From a persisting complainer I just want to ask the question we’re all thinking: is the travel agent shop in the Palmy campus doing okay? Pls let me know. A concerned onlooker

Dear Massive, While I appreciate your work so far this year (namely Tussock’s rise in prices), I am frankly APPALLED at the lack of coverage on Massey Welly’s vending machines. They were changed over summer and are now a vomit-y shade of orange. And what’s inside is pretty vomitworthy too. Knock off cookie time cookies? “Health” drinks? Outrageous. I expect extensive coverage ASAP.

MASSIVE NEWS

Massey is about to overhaul your non-tuition fees. Do they care what you think? Yeah, nah. The University has been working on this for a year. Student execs have only 19 days to consult students. JAMES POCOCK

NATIONAL NEWS

Student associations have felt rushed by the University seeking student consultation on proposed changes to non-tuition fees from 2022 onwards. These non-tuition fees include the compulsory student services levy, the recreation centre fee for Albany and Manawatū students, and the building levy for Manawatū students. Student associations were sent a document detailing the proposed changes to non-tuitions fees from 2022 onwards on Tuesday 9 March. The document outlines three approaches to this single non-tuition fee that Massey can choose from to fix its invoices and address inequity, detailing how each option will affect various groups of students. The first option is a per-credit, per-campus model, which charges a set cost per credit that is based on the campus that you study at. Executive Director of Student Experience

Amy Heise says, “For example if you take 15 credits, and we’ve said it’s $3 a credit in Auckland, then you pay 3 x 15… The consequence of that is that the non-tuition fee for a part time student goes down and the non-tuition fee for a full-time student goes up, because the calculations we have done for this has maintained the total amount of income as the same amount to the year previous. Otherwise, we’d have to close some stuff.” She says that students would experience the most variance in their costs with the first option; about 10,000 students will end up paying 20% or more extra, while the other two models have much smaller increases spread out further. Option two is a single base rate that all students pay, full-time and part-time. On top of that is a per credit cost, but unlike option one, this is the same across all three campuses. Distance student will still pay a different rate however. “This one out of all the models creates kind of a closer match for more students [than option one] … it has a pretty good spread and it gets rid of that thing where Auckland is paying more than Wellington,” Heise remarks. The third option is another single base rate, but with a different per-credit cost across campuses. Heise notes, “There is still a little bit of an inequity if you’re a part-time student, you’re paying a bit more than you are at a per-credit rate… [However] this would mean that full-time Auckland students don’t have as big a hit by that because we’ve got this base rate, but they are still paying more and differently NEWS

from the other campuses,” As of the week ending 7 March, Massey had spoken to all four student associations about the proposed changes. They were informed that the deadline for the consultation was 29 March. Albany Students Association president Benjamin Austin says that this timeframe doesn’t allow for “adequate student consultation or student consultation at all”. Massey at Wellington Student Association (MAWSA) president Tessa Guest agrees that 19 days isn’t long enough for the consultation process. “It’s great that they are using us as a touch point and giving us the option to make the call ourselves or consult with students, but I don’t think it’s actually our job to do the consulting. Yes, we have a better reach to students, but we’re still strapped for resources and don’t have a whole lot of time to be doing consulting for the University.” Massey@Distance presidents Jacalyn Clare and Jax Watt say it is too early in the process of consultation for comprehensive information, but they have received advice from NZUSA on how to look into the status of fees and levies at Massey compared to other universities. Heise says Massey has been working on changing the way that non-tuition fees work for about a year now. She explains that the central problem Massey wants to fix is an issue with difficult-to-read invoices, but says that at the same time this is also an opportunity to consider other issues with the fees and address some inequities with the system. “We’ve got some inequities, depending on whether you are part time or full time, and whether you are on a certain campus and whether you are distance or internal… So, what we’re suggesting is that those other levies, that are paid on some campuses, are actually rolled into a single non-tuition fee that students pay and it is the compulsory student services levy, so it’s governed by the ministerial director that governs what that can be spent on and it’s done in consultation with students.”

one. She says regardless of the outcome, the conversation these proposed changes will spark is essential for future improvements. “Part of the rationale for doing this bit of work is that it will allow us to have those debates and look at the impact and actually give everyone good information about what would happen if we did that, how would that affect everyone’s fees.” She emphasizes that part of the difficulty in deciding how the fees will be distributed is related to how hard it is to gauge how much each student utilizes the services it pays for. “The levy is a lot like insurance. Some of the stuff you’d definitely use hopefully and some of it is there just in case.” Distance student Angus feels that option three sounds the fairest, because option one decreases fees for part-time students when they may have more time to utilise services and option two doesn’t represent the current disparity between number and quality of the facilities being offered across campuses in its flat rate. Full-time Wellington-based student Jamie, on the other hand, believes that option one is the fairest for all students. “Mature part-time students often fill up their week with other endeavours such as working, which means they may be off campus more than the typical full-time undergrad straight out of school, and utilising these facilities that their fees pay for less. If I could choose, option one seems the most egalitarian. But it is different for everyone.” Regardless of which option is picked, the total amount that Massey receives from levies is still pegged to increase for next year, which Heise says is necessary. “We’ve compared the previous year with this year, and we have incorporated for 2022 a slight increase in the total amount received. We haven’t increased the levy for a long time, it’s getting very problematic. We’ve had to be really tight about increasing anything.” According to both Heise and Tessa, Massey will still pay less than other universities for its levy fees. MAWSA Academic Officer Phoebe Bridgers notes that the largest increase that a student could have to their total fees from the options presented in the document will be about $50.

This is part of a larger move by Massey attempting to move away from separate locally-based funding and into a single pool of funds to distribute nationally to provide the best services everywhere, according to Heise. “When that money doesn’t need to be spent at Auckland anymore, it can be redistributed to other campuses that don’t have rec centre services for example. If we went down the track of a fee that was different for each campus, then we would have to consider how we deliver services differently on each campus, which I think is not really where we want to head, because we do want to have an equivalent experience for our students across campuses.”

If you want to have your say, you still have time to contact your student association and be included in the consultation process. Better get in quick though.

How will these proposed changes affect students?

Vice-Chancellor Professor Jan Thomas is enrolling as an undergraduate student to study a Bachelor of Arts majoring in Māori Studies. She previously finished her PhD in Veterinary Science from Murdoch University in 1997. Her first course will be He Tirohanga Taketake: Māori Perspectives, taught by Te Rā Moriarty at Te Putahi-a-Toi.

Heise says every option detailed in the document has its impact on different groups of students, and that it is about what is the highest priority to fix when it comes to picking

Vice-chancellor returns to uni as an undergrad student Might invite her round to mine for a piss-up CAROLINE MORATTI

NATIONAL NEWS

NEWS

In a blog post, she discloses, “I haven’t yet told my mother I’m doing a BA — she’ll find out when she reads this (sorry, Mum).” Massive rates this attempt at humour a 3/10. Shitting on BAs is our job. As to why she’s undertaking the course, Thomas goes on to say, “I’m not trying to ‘be Māori’, but I know I’ve got to understand Māori perspectives and why others might want certain things. Sure, it might help me avoid giving offence, and that’s essential. But more than that, we might find areas of common interest, things that make meaning for both parts of the partnership.” As to whether the Vice-Chancellor will start wearing sweats to class and smoke darts outside the library, only time will tell.

that the decision was “just absurd. It’s totally unfair for international students.” The New Zealand International Student’s Association (NZISA) says the decision is counterintuitive to the Government’s decision to recover the international education sector. “Decisions like these alienate the international communities of New Zealand and send the message that temporary visa holders can be and should be treated differently.” They go on to say, “The impact of this increase is further compounded by expensive flights, rising tuition fees, and the recent hike in the proof of funds required for a student visa. It poses a huge deterrent for those who are considering returning to New Zealand; an opinion shared by NZISA, institutions and education agencies. This increase is yet another barrier placed by the government between international students and the education they are paying tens of thousands for.”

MAWSA executives worried new club name may cause confusion No, adventuring does not mean hiking or tramping lol

Returning international students face increased fees at the border “Just absurd. It’s totally unfair for international students.” CAROLINE MORATTI

NATIONAL NEWS

Returning international students will face a 78% price increase for their stay in managed isolation. As temporary visa holders, the cost of a one-person stay will increase from $3100 to $5520 on 25 March. The policy will impact the 1,000 new international students arriving in April. This comes on top of $20,000 in living costs that international students are required to bring across the border, alongside course fees totalling around $30,000 per year. One student representative from Massey commented

JAMES POCOCK WELLINGTON NEWS Members of the Massey at Wellington Student Association (MAWSA) believe that one club’s name may be slightly misleading for students, with an intense discussion taking place in their executive meeting. The Massey Adventurers Association is a newly formed club on the Wellington Massey campus that recently NEWS

applied to become affiliated. Club Vice President Emma Burgess says, “Our club runs Dungeons and Dragons 5th Edition games every Monday and Friday, encouraging social interaction and fantasy world building as a creative outlet, as well as supplying the players with dice and material.” One member of the MAWSA Executive even abstained from voting their approval of the club’s affiliation due to some concern over the name being misleading or confusing for some. MAWSA president Tessa Guest says, “I think in their posters, they make it clear. I think we encourage them to maybe say their title and in sub brackets say they’re a D&D club.” She adds, “They had so many people, it was awesome, it’s going to be a huge hit. If you’re into it, you’re really into it”. Emma agrees with the MAWSA executive team on the name. “We believe that it is important for our name to be clear, we plan to make the name ‘Massey D&D Adventures Association’. In all of our advertising we have been specifying what we are playing for clarity.”

most of the small inconveniences that come with trying to sort out anything, especially in relation to studying and transport. But it is definitely a bit off a blow as a student, especially since I didn’t get my first StudyLink pay till after the extra cost.” Dave* has also experienced the same issue, which meant that they could not simply renew their tertiary concession in advance. They said that a member of the support staff they spoke with at Massey about the issue commented that multiple students had been directed to ask for help Massey by Snapper recently, but that Massey couldn’t do anything about it since the issue was on Snapper’s end. When approached for comment, a Massey spokesperson said that there is a Snapper machine on the Wellington campus for students to top up their cards, but they have not heard any reports of issues with that. “We are not sure why Snapper would send students back to Massey with issues surrounding the cards themselves,” they said. Massive approached Snapper for comment but they failed to respond in time for print.

This is not the first time a club name has caused confusion. Take the Massey Navigators, for example, which is a Palmerston North Christian club. If you’re thinking of signing up for a club, it’s often best to read the fine print. Oh, and in case you were wondering, yes, Massive is having a slow news day.

Students struggle with Snapper card renewals Beep beep! Broom boom JAMES POCOCK

WELLINGTON NEWS

Some students have had difficulties with renewing their tertiary concession for their Snapper bus cards. Fourth year student Rebecca said she was directed to Massey for any questions in an email from Snapper when her tertiary concession was about to expire. Massey’s student centre told her that all she needed to do was reapply, something that occurs each year. However, she found that Snapper’s system wouldn’t allow her to renew the concession. “I went to reapply directly with Snapper, but it came up an error saying the card is already signed up for tertiary concession or something along those lines. So, I just waited for the concession to end, kind of hopeful it would automatically continue but it didn’t, and I had to reapply. This left me paying for adult prices for a couple of days,” she said.

Got any goss? We want to hear from you. If you have seen or heard anything that you think is newsworthy, let us know and we will get to the bottom of it editor@massivemagazine.org.nz

“In the big scheme of things, I only would have lost maybe max an extra $20 bucks. Which I just shrugged off like NEWS

OPINION: THE MASSEY APP SUCKS A BIG BAG OF DICKS By Elizabeth

Wake

O-Week 2021. A painful week full of cancelled events and Covid-19. Sure, if you tackled lockdown last year at Massey you would know the drill. But what about the rest of us? First-year students across all three campuses were relying on a vague knowledge of the classes we were enrolled in and the Massey App to keep us alive during O-Week and week one. In a cruel twist of fate, Covid-19 came along and crashed the party (literally). Night-time events were postponed and daytime events were shuffled around or canned entirely (RIP those free lunches we missed out on). When is (enter event here) happening? Wait, do we have a tutorial today? These were the questions many students were asking as we turned up to deserted hallways and empty classrooms. During the first week, I managed to wait in an empty room for half an hour with two other students before we finally discovered that the tutorials did not start until the following week. I also ended up going up the wrong stairwell and getting completely and utterly lost… all while I was standing about 10 feet from the lecture theatre I was trying to

find. Oh, and the time I found out the personalised tours had been cancelled, yet when I hesitantly walked into the MAWSA space I discovered the tour guides sitting around wondering why no-one had shown up. What is to blame for all this confusion, you ask? The Massey App. Not only did it decide to completely disregard what was actually happening during O-Week, but it also told lies about when and where we were supposed to have classes. In the words of one of my lecturers, no, I do not remember which one, don’t become one of the timetabling people at Massey. Everyone will hate you. After experiencing their cruel ways myself, I have to agree. I mean, how hard is it to link Stream and the app to automatically update our timetable when the tutorial times are released? In conclusion, the Massey App is utter dickbaggery. Bring back Flappy Bird and get rid of this shit, or shape up. OPINION

FIRST TIME DRUG EXPERIENCES WORDS: LIV REDMAN

LOSING YOUR

Like everything, Covid-19 really affected the New Year’s partying scene with many people believed to have had bath salts when they were told they were taking MDMA. It’s a bit fucked up that there are still no free testing stations in New Zealand. But, having potentially laced drugs isn’t going to stop all of us party-going students from trying them.

C ARD

Massive took a trip down to the local uni café and asked a bunch of randoms about their experiences on a particular drug. I listened and wrote out the verbal-diarrhea. So, if you’re a little curious or can’t be fucked trying ‘em, here’s a bunch of different students’ experiences on the eighth wonder of the world… DRUGSSSS.

FEATURES

canabbis “I had just started uni and met a bunch of girlfriends who wanted to do a hiking trip up Tongariro. At the top of the beautiful mountain overlooking the glacier with a sore knee, me and my now best friends smoked the phattest doobie. That was the most painless and giggly hike I’ve ever done. Probably up there with one of the best days of my life – not just because of the weed but the fact that I had found a better pain killer than Panadol. It’s been a year since I tried it, and nowadays when I have it; it’s mostly to relax if I’m having bad ovarian pains. Otherwise, I love having it with a glass of red and throwing acorns at the local teenagers hotboxing their cars in my driveway. It also makes me horny as fuck… that’s probably just me though. Overall a great time.”

acid

“I took a full tab and wasn’t prepared at all for that night. I somehow was made to drive a car, luckily nothing bad happened there. Later, a woman locked me in a room with her and I lost

also tripping.”

my ability to communicate or move. I was lucky again that night as one of my friends came to rescue me. After that shit time, I had an unbelievably fun experience with someone else who was

“It makes me feel like it doesn’t matter what I’m doing or what anyone else is doing at the time. The mundane can be the sublime. However, there are times when instead of gazing at the world, I’d spiral and reflect on myself in a bad way. So, when you’re feeling down and depressed/anxious with low self-esteem, it can make you feel uncomfortable and broken. If you take too much, the trip can last for days. My comedowns from LSD have all SUCKED.” “I pissed myself at a party after half a tab. Like soaking pants, stain on the living room floor kind of pissed. Was too fucked to stand, let alone clean it up. Instead, I sat there for three hours and convinced other people to also piss themselves. Kind of feral, but also very fond memories looking back.” FEATURES

FEATURES

“I just grinded my teeth like a freak. Made sure to bring chewing gum for the next time. Oh, and the first time on gear is never that good, would recommend the second time.”

“Gear makes me social, chatty and very confident. I don’t do much anymore because I used to take it to guarantee that I would have a good night regardless of who I was with. But now I’ve made a great group of mates that I end up having a good night with regardless. The high is great, but the comedowns can be mad, when I’m depressed, the comedowns are even worse.”

(mistaken for MDMA)

“I snorted it in a mate’s room one afternoon. We went for a walk then and a party for a good time. I’ve taken it more since that first time and have found that if I have a cap to myself and spread it over the night I don’t geek out. Whereas, sometimes when I’ve taken a cap or two at once, I just lose control of the direction of my night. It can be fun feeling like a pilot operating my body and my only job being to not fall over.”

MDMA. Then it happened AGAIN! It was even worse the second night. I eventually got to sleep after four days, I found it so fucking horrible.”I was trippin’ thinking that there was constantly a dog behind me barking. There was an old man in my right peripheral vision, each time I looked back he wasn’t there anymore. I couldn’t sleep at all but felt so damn tired. I sat out on a camp chair until my

all went to bed. I went into a tent which felt like the walls were jumping at me. I was trippin’ thinking that there was constantly a dog behind me barking. There was an old man in my right peripheral vision, each time I looked back he wasn’t there anymore. I couldn’t sleep at all but felt so damn tired. I sat out on a camp chair until my friends got up. The friends who had finger-dips were all like ‘what the fuck was that shit?!’ Obviously, I wasn’t going to have any more of my stuff, so instead, I had some of my mate’s

“Last night I tried ket for the first time. I’d just come back from work and was

ketamine

friends got up. The friends who had finger-dips were all like ‘what the fuck was that shit?!’ Obviously, I wasn’t going to have any more of my stuff, so instead, I had some of my mates’ MDMA. Then it happened AGAIN! It was even worse the second night. I eventually got to sleep after 4 days, I found it so fucking horrible.”

“I started to see the room around me not as my flat but as the set of a slightly below budget student sit-com.”

“It was coming up to the latest New Year’s Eve, so I found a guy who could sus me some gear. I got four grams of what I thought was MDMA. At Northern Bass, I took three caps. I was letting my mates all have some cheeky fingerdips and eventually they

bath salts

mdma

“When I first had coke, I started throwing knives at my flatmates. I just do really destructive shit every time. To be honest, it just feels like MDMA but doesn’t last as long and is overpriced as fuck… MDMA makes me want to love and cocaine makes me want to destroy.”

cocaine

with all my flatties that were drinking but I forgot to get some beersies before I came home, so my mate offered me a line of ket. After the line, I decided to have a cone and then sat down and watched my intoxicated flatties fuck around. It felt like I was sinking into the couch and watching everyone through my eyeballs felt like I was being a director through the lens of a camera. I started to see the room around me not as my flat but as the set of a slightly below budget student sit-com. Eventually, I had slow somber bogies in the kitchen with my boys, we had lavish plans to start a stage show dancing based on friendships and feelings. Today I don’t have a comedown, I’m just a little tired.”

“I was in my friend’s shitty car in Matamata. I saw this light beaming through the window and I heard

nangs

“Me and my girlfriend ground some up and drank it with orange juice. After 45 minutes of watching cartoons, we stated to feel the effects and decided to turn the lights off. We kissed and I became hyper-focused fingering her on the couch. All my blood felt like it was rushing to my fingertips. We started fucking and I swear the tip of my penis grew an extra billion nerve endings. The sex-fest went on for two and a half hours. When I closed my eyes, I was seeing these sexual geometric shapes that radiated throughout my entire being. After the sex, I got up and fainted. This was partly due to not having much food with the ‘shrooms and also because of the energy required to fuck for two and a half hours. I would fucking definitely do them again. It was the most spiritual, sensual and sexual experience of my young life.”

magic mushrooms

holy music in the background, as he pulled out a canister of nangs. I said, ‘My friend, father, savior, let me try this holy gas.’ I took some of his holy gas and spaced out for 30 seconds. It felt like I was falling in the ocean. I wouldn’t do it again because I think nangs is just a quick way to go fuckin’ brain dead. I would prefer a cone. I wouldn’t recommend doing nangs if you haven’t done something low-key like weed first. I didn’t have any comedowns, but my mate had a gnarly headache the next day. Overall a good time. 7/10.”

2CB

“To me, 2CB just felt like another psychedelic – a bit like ecstasy. I

didn’t plan to do it (which I think is important to do prior to doing psychies). I was in a Jucy rental with my mates down south in the Milford Sound. It was the heart of winter, so it was fucking cold and dark. Being in a van while losing my mind on 2CB was too much to handle. But once we left the van and looked at the moon, sky, and stars it became magical. It was an intense fivehour trip which came to an end, whereas, when I’ve taken LSD, I would sometimes wake up after my sleep and still be trippin’ a bit. The comedowns weren’t as bad as I had expected, but the lasting effects of having an intense/unplanned trip, made me feel ‘off’ for the following days – mentally speaking. I probably won’t do it again in the foreseeable future.”

xanax “I took half a bar of Xanax for my first time in the USA with a tad of cocaine. I don’t remember much apart from floating around in a pool with a girl holding me up so that I wouldn’t drown. I couldn’t feel any part of my body. Overall, it was awesome, it was kind of annoying not being able to move my body but having the sense deprivation apart from the feeling of the water around me was amazing. The girl was whispering sweet things in my ears about stars, and it made me feel really good. I did vomit that night though. The comedown just felt like a shit hangover.”

FEATURES

OP-SHOPPIN’ THE BEST SPOTS Words: Liv Redman Photos: Liam McGuire Buying clothes all new isn’t the shit anymore because fast fashion has a rancid reputation and if you go find anything ethically sound, the price tag is beyond a student budget. Thankfully, people have learnt to capitalize the second-hand market and good second-hand clothes can be hard to come by at reasonable prices. Hell, at an op-shop in Dunedin there was a pair of fake Versace shoes for $400, what the absolute fuck. Don’t get me wrong, this second-hand comeback is fucking fantastic really – it’s ethical and you can get quirky steals most of the time. But hey, if you’re stratpped for cash and can’t afford Recycle Boutique prices, here are some “I can still afford a life this week” priced op-shops close to the city. I took to Kilbirnie and Newtown with fashion connoisseurs Aj, Robbie, and Massive photographer Liam - to put together some alluring outfits. FEATURES

AROUND IN WELLINGTON

FEATURES

St Vincent Kilbirnie

Paul

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There was a front and back entrance, which gave a wonderful indoor-outdoor airflow. This mightn’t sound that important for an op-shop but it is, because it means that you don’t feel like you’re rummaging through your grandparents clothing when finding some nifty clothes. It had good everyday wear with a wide range of other well-priced housing goods. Unlike most op-shops, this one had a fantastic range of sharp blazers for all sizes. I must say this op-shop wasn’t all that colourful clothing-wise, but the prices were roughly $10 an item (around $25 - $40 for the coats and blazers). There was a fair amount of exercise gear which Aj incorporated into the space-cadette ensemble. On that note, fucking great spot for some cheap snow gear for the ski season ahead. Rating: 6/10 crusty donated op-shop grundies that your grandies used as a cum-rags. Full outfit cost: Liv: $10 Robbie: $30 Aj: $36

Red Cross – Kilbirnie The shop itself is placed on a corner and is quite small but the items are impressive. This is the type of op-shop that’d sell a pair of sick Levi’s for $20 not knowing what they’re worth on the second-hand market. The items are decent and there was a huge batch of what looked to be returns for Country Road, Zara, and Witchery. There wasn’t that much clothing to choose from, but a good selection of random gems including brand new stilettoes and broken-in sexy dandals (dad sandals). Although the eggy-themed 60s combo is a funky number, I think Robbie’s outfit takes the cake here looking like the weird coffee-breath-stanking drum teacher that roamed around your high school. Rating: 7/10 overpriced Levi’s jeans sold on Cuba Street for the real alty’s. Full outfit cost: Liv: $28 Robbie: $32 Aj: $30

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Salvation Newtown

Army

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Sanctuary (they look after rescue animals). To be honest, I found it quite hard to put together an outfit in this shop, but if you’re on the hunt for some questionable accessories, you’ll find some quirky additions to add to your “let’s get fucked” look. Rating: 8/10 landlords that won’t let you get a cat Full outfit cost: Liv: $17 Robbie: $18 Aj: $24

Aunty Dana’s – Newtown

It’s the biggest op-shop we went to, and if you’re looking for a dress up party outfit, you’ll be finding it here. As well as some of those nice couches that get set on fire at some point. Great selection of clothes and quite a few that still have their tags on them! Prices are extremely good, and the selection of shoes is outrageous. The four of us agreed that this was a championship contender. I loved the puffy black skirt and felt this 1920s sex-worker outfit expressed my alter-ego. Do you guys remember Carol Baskin? Robbie’s clearly her new husband while Aj their new son dresses to say “it’s not a phase, mum”.

This place was a fuckin’ vibe! At the front of the shop, they have a menu list for each clothing item and their set price! This is great because it means you can pick what clothing items you need and can be guaranteed it’ll be that price. Their profits go towards Gender Minorities Aotearoa, so you can trust that your spending is going to a good cause. The shop was full of super colourful clothing and the workers are so nice! Great banter and overall was a fantastic time. The shop was small, but the selection was fantastic - especially if you want to dress up as a giant bloody tampon. Rating: 11/10 fucking awesome rainbows Full outfit cost: Liv: $15 Robbie: $25 Aj: $25

Rating: 9/10 free stale bread rolls from the free food bin Full outfit cost: Liv: $45 Robbie: $27 Aj: $23

Opportunity for Animals – Newtown From funky fanny-packs to a classic durag, Opportunity for Animals has your basic needs for being in that festival thriving time of your life. Don’t take any meaty foods in store as there are t-shirts on the wall that scream “MEAT IS MURDER”. Great selection of clothes and the average top was in the $5 mark. It was definitely one of the cheaper op-shops that we went to and their profits go towards the Black Sheep Animal

Overall, buying quality second-hand clothes doesn’t have to have an expensive price tag attached to it like the bougie thrift-stores on Cuba Street. Charity stores are the best so long as you’re not going to buy yourself a crusty pair of grundies. Fuck it, you’re in Wellington, might as well dress the part. Add to your wardrobe with anything you find, just make sure you end up with an ill-fitting pair of Doc Marten’s – that’s when you truly know you’ve done the best op-shopping you possibly could here. FEATURES

MASSIVE

SHIT STUDENT THEIR COURSE-R Words: Cameron Taylor | Illustrations: Tallulah Farrar Course-related costs: a generous $1k that StudyLink allocates the tertiary students of Aotearoa to spend on necessities such as printing fees, specialist equipment, and other essentials to get us through study. Without this sweet grand I get every year, I’d probably be textbook-less each semester. However, there’s always a few students that, well, just wanna buy some random shit! Honestly, why the fuck not. Massive spoke to anonymous students, both

Meredith bought her Corgi named McDreamy, which she claims to be her ‘literal child’.

Every year, Cam puts his en on a single NBA game. Hey, tire costs it to him, the guy knows howI’ll give gamble. Three out of four gato won. I’ll call him up next timmes e I’m at the TAB.

Hailey splurged on VIP tickets to Justin Bieber in 2017. And we all know 2017 was when Justin Bieber was at his sexiest. Lucky bitch.

past and present, about their outrageous purchases. Before we get into the fun, it’s worth noting that this is small minority of students, and that course related costs are generally used for, well, course-related costs. But also, this is literally a loan they’ll have to pay back anyway. We’re on a floating rock in the middle of space. Does anything really matter?

Ror bottlye had nas bird her ty nei boilinsg for fuhno. use, hegrhbours tha fuc point Rory’ dog, a t lik and kt-tonne o. fShe decsidrage bunild any ende to and a hrow the cheap ed to pu t up to arby out round m int sex to rcha a I’d dito was hetheir hoousthe neigysh from sWe a the sa r. If s e. They bour’s w ish me th omeone never indows ing. bottled found my do g,

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TS BUY WITH RELATED COSTS sed hheisr u d n a sb y now hcuosts to vbeu been s ’ a r e Anahrse-relatedring. Theya’ rs, whichent cou agement r nine ye statem ve’. eng ether fo e classic ice on lo tog ports th ut a pr sup can’t p ‘you

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Just when Lily thought she wa s gonna lose the plot, her Maine Co on ca t waltzed into her life. Sh ve that kitty cat. Pussy power ehahas dnetoverhabee n stronger.

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them. The agiryrls ow kn ll a we s, rl Horse gi ded to be ponies in prim who preten pissed us off when they’d e school andround the field, neighing lik of chase us natics. Tori never grew out l fucking lu r $1k to purchase a rea it, using hemake her primary school horse horse and me true. Sucks that the dreams co ssive bitch. was a ma

So, you know how that horse girl literally bought a horse? Keith to a whole new level. Keith bec took it the horse, investing in enough ame set him up for the uni year. ket to Oh, and 15 posters of P Diddy. Yea I have about as much idea h, you do about that purchase. as

This bastard had no choice really. Not only did the grand come in handy for paying Luke’s many government-issued police fines, but it also provided to be a very helpful payment method for legal advice in order to get out of said fines. Slow down, Mr. Drifta. Just rev your engine a few times and the panties will drop.

One night, Harry was feeling particularly cheeky. However, fuck didn’t seem like the waa quick to be satisfied in that momey With a lazy grand in the bant. account, Harry stumbled downnk the nearest strip club, spendinto the whole shabam on dancers g and alcohol. Harry, ya fucking hornbag.

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h took a Princess OGtoKus sterdam 4-day trip t toAmsm oke the where she rigojuana and fulfill dankest maake to its fullest her namespotential. *Names have been changed

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All the Mahi, None of the Treats: ”Women’s rugby is subsidising the men’s losses” WORDS: COURTNEY HAMMOND PHOTOS: LIAM MCGUIRE

FEATURES

“

What’s funny about [men’s rugby] is that it doesn’t make the money to support itself…” Women’s rugby is currently experiencing an extraordinary surge in popularity in New Zealand. Since 2012, the number of registered women rugby players has doubled and women now make up nearly one fifth of the 150,000 rugby players in New Zealand. While the passion and potential of women’s rugby is thriving, the industry and space for wide-reaching success isn’t keeping up. At the peak level of professional women’s rugby in New Zealand, players continue to be paid considerably less than their male counterparts. Since 1991, the Black Ferns (New Zealand’s senior women’s rugby team) have won five Rugby World Cups and have obtained one of the best winning percentages in international rugby, close to 90 per cent. The All Blacks on the other hand have amassed three world cup wins and champion a 77.4 per cent success rate. New Zealand’s professional women’s rugby team is attaining incredible statistics yet their pay is not a true reflection of their merit. Once earning a mere $8000 - $10,000 each season, the Black Ferns players are now earning $15,000 - $30,000. Prior to this, the All Blacks 2015 World Cup victory was worth $160,000 to each player, while the Black Ferns took home $10,000 that season. The most detrimental result of the women’s pay gap

is the amount of time they can attribute to training and traveling while still making a living. Imagine Beauden Barrett making your morning coffees to make ends meet. Steven Tew, New Zealand Rugby’s Chief Executive, in 2018 said his organisation will continue to spend $5 million - $7 million more than it earns to hold on to their prized players. In 2020, New Zealand Rugby accounted for a $7.4million loss. Essentially, “women’s rugby is subsidising the men’s losses” says Radio New Zealand sports commentator Alice Soper. “What’s funny about these guys is it doesn’t make the money to support itself… men’s rugby is hugely expensive to run and it doesn’t make sense to invest so much.” Soper is one of many rugby players to give their sport a go beyond New Zealand borders. Like many, she recalls the greater resources poured into women’s rugby overseas while playing in the English premiership for two years. Soper says “there is so much more coverage of women’s rugby in England. But a lot of the same problems are everywhere.” Far North rugby player Jaymie Hilton-Jones recognised the same disparities while playing varsity rugby in Michigan, USA. HiltonJones says the funding women’s rugby teams received was “incredible”. “They have a way bigger budget and everything is paid for.” Interestingly, but to no surprise, Hilton-Jones says the “skill is probably not as good as FEATURES

New Zealand, but the passion and numbers are there”. Rugby is NZ’s national sport yet international countries are outdoing us and providing their players superior resources. Wellington local club teams such as Marist St Pats are already two months into preseason training. The effort they put into their passion and their sport is unmatched and isn’t being rewarded. Soper says disparities in rugby starts at grassroots club level. It begins with ensuring women’s teams aren’t competing with the many men’s teams for resources such as coaches and uniforms. “Everything we’ve had, our team and coach has had to go out and find the funding for,” says Marist St Pats rugby player Saraya O’Dea. “Secondary boy students are getting full scholarships and everything funded to help them getting to the top, the girls just don’t get that. We pay for the fees out of our own pocket, as well as our training gear and physiotherapy.” A match rugby ball costs $120. It could easily be confused with a Black Fern’s pay cheque. Soper says “until those boardrooms look like us, it’s going to be hard”. In 2018, New Zealand Rugby’s Head of Women’s Rugby Development Cate Sexton, said the recent successes of the Black Ferns are a major contributor to the growth of women’s rugby, inspiring others to give rugby a go. With more opportunity available to women players, more engagement and success will follow.

“A match rugby ball costs $120. It could easily be confused with a Black Fern’s pay cheque.” Who knew the next Women’s Rugby World Cup is being hosted in New Zealand and has been postponed for 2022? I do wonder if the famed international buntings will hang through pubs and shops, likewise classrooms and offices spaces. Or, if we’ll have our national team plastered on posters with the team line up? Perhaps Covid-19 is the reason no one is talking about it? Or perhaps women’s rugby in New Zealand just doesn’t receive the funding, promotion and recognition that equates to its success and potential. It was in 2007 that 2011’s Rugby World Cup Minister Trevor Mallard announced a four-year campaign to ensure the economic benefits of hosting one of the largest sporting events in the world, were long-lasting and maximised. In the midst of a pandemic when our international tourism income is at a crippling low, hosting a world cup celebrating our national sport sounds like the perfect opportunity to capitalise on. We have the viewership of a nation that lives and breathes this sport. The Black Fern’s last world cup win captured a record TV audience of 2.6 million in the UK. Let’s give our national women’s rugby team the promotion they are worthy of, and watch them beat that next year.

FEATURES

BEST PLACES TO CRY ON MANAWATŪ CAMPUS BY SAMUEL LACY

FEATURES

Massey University’s Manawatū campus is almost 100 hectares of biodiverse plant species and architecturally distinctive buildings, which means there are dozens of nooks and crannies to discover for your weekly breakdown. Naturally, as students, we visit these spots to expel any built-up stress, anxieties, and good old-fashioned depression from the ups, downs and even worse downs of university life. I myself am only two weeks into my second year (at time of writing) and I’ve cried enough to flood Palmy in a state worse than 2004. Whenever it’s just too much, Massive recommends the following places for a cup of tea, a lie-down, and a sloppy cry.

BLEDISLOE PARK This one is a no-brainer. Half a mile of prime bushland, with the sound of a gushing stream to distract you from your exam stress. Listen to the tui as you crack open your own. There are a few benches and places to sit down with your head in your hands, and you can often find a hidey-hole off the beaten path if you don’t mind a bit of dirt. It’s a fair trek from the classrooms, more so than the others on this list, so the chances of pEoPlE wHo CaRe interfering with your breakdown is very slim. The joggers doing the Te Araroa Trail won’t even notice you.

THE LAKE BY THE VET BUILDING A lovely duck pond, and a good deal of shady trees to sit under. Although the putrid smell of duck shit lingers here, try standing on the bridge in the middle and look out over the lake, to pretend you’re in that romantic drama series you binged that week instead of studying. Be aware that in Semester 1, when the pre-Vet freshers are around, they’ll be taking up most of the space with their own inconsolable tanties. It’s much better in Semester 2 when they’ve all dropped out.

THE LIBRARY Another obvious choice. More people have been on the surface of the moon than the third floor of the library, and nobody’s ever told me off for crying too loudly up there. Book out a study room on the second floor for a private meltdown; they’ve got fans if it’s warm and your own chair to throw through the window. Most desks have power sockets, so you can keep your phone plugged

in for an hour-long call with your mum as you desperately persuade her to let you come back home. Everyone else is just as stressed as you are – it’s the place to be if hearing “mood” and “I feel that” from passing strangers is a productive form of therapy for you.

THE OVAL This is an option for versatility. If you want to scream into the void towards spotless grey skies, stand in the middle of the cricket pitch. If you want to hide away for a more reserved sob, duck inside the bush near Business Studies where there’s two benches that are barely visible from outside. Within a few steps, you can quickly feel like you’re miles deep in the bush, right down to the bugs and mozzies. You can also lie facedown on the embankment, which appears to passersby as if you’re just soaking up the sun – all three hours of it between November and March. An all-purpose space for both existential, stress-related and general quarter-life crises.

SIR GEOFFREY PEREN BUILDING The square building with a map on its carpet, which somehow makes you more liable to get lost. It features fantastic Spanish Mission architecture from the 1920s and is surprisingly well-ventilated and restored for its age. I think the only thing missing from this space is complementary, Dali-esque cigars. If you walk around here for thirty minutes, you’ll find a place that nobody else has ever been in the century of this building’s existence. Make sure you leave a trail of breadcrumbs, as you may not be able to find your way back out. Actually, navigating this building is probably more stressful than whatever it is you’re going through, so unless the urge to disappear forever is too great, be careful with this one.

YOUR ROOM IN THE HALLS This was one of my favourites back in my first year. Because the walls of your room are so thin, it may take some time to get comfy with fifty other people being able to hear your emotional collapse. However, because the halls do such a bad job of creating a culture of unity and friendliness, chances are nobody gives enough of a shit to check on you and you’ll be left to cry in peace. FEATURES

UNDERAGED AND UNDERESTIMATED: THE QUEST FOR FAKE IDS BY CAROLINE MORATTI

The start of your first year is fucking iconic, lined with all sorts of fresher parties and social events. Making friends is hard and what could aide that more than sweet, sweet liquor? However, for many, this season is deeply cursed. Whilst all their friends are off partying, the under 18s among us are side-lined, doomed to probably cry-wank in a corner. Sure, maybe you can swing a bottle off your older friends for pre-drinks, but town is a write-off. To get into any club, or self-respecting bar, you need an ID. Some freshers accept this fact and wait it out until the big 1-8. Good for them. Keep repressing that inner trauma. But some, the brave few, dare to defy the system. They dare to take a stand against the status quo, dare to dream. These golden few go on the legendary quest for a fake ID. Massive decided to delve into the underbelly of the beast, to discover the dos and don’ts of fake IDs. Courtney* was 17 when university started, which “sucked so much. I felt so much like the odd one out. All my hall mates were getting dressed up for town and I was stuck in my room watching shitty TikToks.” With her birthday not until June, she decided to take action and procure her fake ID through a friend of a friend. “It’s honestly just about who you know,” she says. Courtney initially just borrowed it for a few times out then “I claimed I lost it, just so I [could] keep it. It

was a bit of a dick move but I was young and did much worse things that year lol.” Michaela got her fake ID in year 13 in order to go partying with friends. “It was a no-brainer really. I was so sick of having to steal liquor out of my parents’ cabinets, plus I think they had started to notice that the vodka was a bit watery.” She says she snooped through social media to find her perfect match. “I’d asked around, but my circle is pretty small, so I took to Facebook and Insta to find something. Honestly, I’d just go through the pictures of older girls from school, look at crowd pics and stuff until I found some possibilities.” Upon finding some options, she’d message the girls individually, asking for their help. “These were total strangers, and I had at least one tell me to fuck off. However, there was one, I think she was about my third choice, who seemed keen.” For $100 bucks, Michaela secured a learner’s license with a blonde look-alike. “We actually had very similar resting-bitch faces; it was pretty neat. We could have been distant cousins.” A license replacement fee costs $38.20, so a tidy profit was made but really, the act is more charitable than anything else. “I think she felt bad for me, I was so obviously desperate. I just wanted to do vodka shots and slut-drop in a club, who doesn’t sympathise with that?” Jasmine* complained that “it was really shit to CULTURE

look for one as a ginger, no-one matched up with me”. Honestly, ginger hardship is real. Check in with your ginger friends, make sure they’re doing okay. “Often there’ll be a guy at a high school who knows how to scratch them and so your fake ID will be the last year of your birthdate scratched into another number.” However, this tactic only works for certain birthdays, and finding a talented artist can be gruelling work. If you do manage to score via this route though, just expect an awkward conversation when you go for your next drivers test. Several students that Massive spoke to admitted to scoring a license off their older siblings. “It’s the least they can do,” one says. Often, you can obtain these for free, or only pay the $38 it costs to replace the license, depending on the depths of your family bonds. Better start remembering those birthdays, kids. Getting your older sibling to buy an 18+ card, which only costs $55, is another popular option. Michaela says “no one that has a license actually needs their 18+ card, so it’s an easy thing to part ways with”.

dealing with intoxicated idiots that they’ll barely give you a second look. Oh, and dressing slutty doesn’t hurt either.” She admits that she’s “nervous” about buying from a liquor store, and tends to make her mates go for her.

“I think she felt bad for me, I was so obviously desperate. I just wanted to do vodka shots and slutdrop in a club, who doesn’t sympathise with that?”

If you’re thinking about securing your ID from a dodgy internet site or off Reddit, perhaps think again. Jasmine says that route is “very 2005 bro humour film troupe” but reckons none are actually legit. I know, Superbad lied to us all. McLovin was a lie, alongside the idea that Emma Stone and Jonah Hill would actually get together. If you have managed to successfully find a fake off a website though, kudos to you.

and young’uns.

Jasmine notes that a license “is pretty small photo, everyone looks different to their ID photo once they put makeup on”. ID photos can also be from a couple of years ago, as every 21-year-old still on their learners can attest to (honestly, just go for your restricted, I’m begging you). Bouncers have to show some discretion, which is perfect for the crooks

However, securing a fake ID is one thing. Successfully using it is a whole other ball-game. The maximum fine for a fake ID is $2000, but typically the majority of offences are served an infringement notice, where the penalty is $250. It’s a risk, but clearly one that some are willing to take.

Courtney says for her first time she was “practically shitting myself. I was so nervous; I was really in my head about it. I did my makeup identical to the picture, which meant wearing winged eyeliner which I almost never do.” She admits she almost backed out at the last minute, but with her friend’s encouragement, she managed to get past the door. Courtney says that overall, “I’m so glad I got one. It just made a huge difference to my social life. I would have been drinking regardless, but it meant I could go out and dance with my mates. I had a great year.”

Most of the sources Massive chatted to all seemed to pass the infamous bouncer test. Only one failed and had their fake confiscated by a bouncer. Ben says he “didn’t have to pay a fine, thankfully, I was just refused entry. It was a bit of a shit moment, but I turned 18 a month later so it was fine in the scheme of things.”

*Some names have been changed to protect identity

Fake IDs are a reality of most underaged students at uni. Whether you agree with them or not, they’re here to stay. If you are a 17-year-old fresher, my thoughts and prayers go out to you. Whatever you have to do to survive, you do you.

Michaela says, “The key is to go late, and hide in a big line. By then the bouncers are so busy CULTURE

MASSEY CAREER CENTRE Life after Massey… Have you thought it through? Which are you?

Whichever you are, help’s not far! With Massey Career Centre online you can… Take Career Edge+ For a quick self-assessment of your career readiness

Use CV360 for a review of your CV

Access job vacancies Work of any type, updated regularly

Check out, and book in, for career events - on campus and online

Practice for interviews with Interview360

Build your skills with e-learning materials

There will never be a better time to take a career step than now.

For all of the above and more visit: myhub.massey.ac.nz/s/careers

Culinarylingus

Best Chocolate Cake of All Time Vegan, Gluten Free, Nut-free – it doesn’t matter what your dietary requirements are, this is the easiest failproof chocolate cake. You can legit make it from whatever you have. I’ve whipped this bad boy out birthday after birthday, for parties, office dos, and most recently for Cap. Cook’s Death Day. Versatile, and divine, you can’t go wrong. If you do fuck something up, as long as you add the missing ingredients before you add the hot water, she’ll be right. The worst I’ve ever done with this recipe is the time I was high on codeine and fell asleep. Long story short I had to cut off the top burnt layer and then just covered it in frosting and sprinkles. I’ll stand by this cake till the day I die. CAKE INGREDIENTS

1 3/4 cups granulated sugar

1 cup plant milk

3/4 cup cocoa powder

1 tablespoon apple cider vinegar (A lemon or lime also does the trick)

2 teaspoons baking powder

2 cups flour If you’re using Gluten-Free Flour it may be a trial and error but I usually just add 1/3 more applesauce (or whatever substitute you’re using).

1 1/2 teaspoons baking soda 1 teaspoon salt 1/2 cup vegetable oil 2/3 cup applesauce You can mash bananas, avocados, cooked sweet potatoes. Just chuck 1 ½ cup

of it in a bowl and microwave it, it’ll boil down to 2/3 of a cup. Just remember to cool it down before you add to the recipe. Yoghurt, unflavoured mayo (sounds yuck but will work), or even nut butters.

1 cup boiling water FROSTING INGREDIENTS 1 cup cocoa powder 1 1/2 cups margarine or coconut oil

4 cups icing sugar 1 tablespoon vanilla essence 2 teaspoons vanilla essence (Instant coffee with a tablespoon of water works, or 1/4-1/2 cup plant milk a tablespoon of leftover coffee from the plunger)

CAKE METHOD

FROSTING METHOD

Line large cake tin or two smaller tins with marg/ oil or baking paper.

Wipe out the large bowl from the cake.

Preheat oven to 180 degrees on fan bake. Mix Plant Milk and Apple Cider Vinegar, set aside. In a large bowl, add the flour, sugar, cocoa powder, bking powder, baking soda and salt. Whisk well to combine. To the flour bowl, add the oil, applesauce, vanilla and the plant milk/vinegar mixture. Mix with a big spoon or spatula. Add boiling water, and mix slowly with a whisk again. Will be very runny, but bear with me. Pour into cake tin(s). Do not fill more than halfway up. Bake for 35-40 minutes or until a toothpick/skewer inserted in the middle comes out clean. Don’t open the oven door, this’ll make the cake collapse.

Add the cocoa powder, and whisk. If you’re a rich kid, take out the hand mixer your mum gave you. If not, add the margarine and mix it with a big spoon or spatula till well combined. Chuck in half the icing sugar, and half the plant milk. Mix! Add the other half of the sugar, the vanilla essence and then mix mix mix! If it looks drippy, add more sugar. If it looks too dry, add the rest of the milk. It should look fluffy and soft, so fuck around with the mix till you’re happy. Frost the cake by spooning frosting onto the cooled cake. Decorate sprinkles, chocolate chips or whatever other shit you want, ya hedonistic bastards.

Let cool for ten minutes and then remove from cake tin(s). Remove from tin(s) and let cool entirely before frosting. COLUMNS

Sexcapades

Right, okay so, every gal loves a cheeky one-night stand am I right? Like who can be bothered with the whole ‘feelings’ thing. I’m more of a sift my way through town, or on a silly Tinder date to get laid, but this time was different. This was a turn up at my house without meeting situation. Almost my wet dream. Supposedly, he was a 6 ft Irish doctor. He looked decent from his insta. Didn’t really matter tho did it? He was Irish. Anyways, he upto’s me on a random Wednesday for a pre-midnight bang cause he was leaving the next morning to go to Thailand. I opened the door to find more of a leprechaun than Jamie Dornan. I walk him to my room and turn to see if he’d come through the bedroom door yet and he leans forward and kisses me. Not in the romantic way. I mean the lights are still fucking on. Who does that??? He guides me to my bed (yes, the lights are still on) and undresses himself.

Guess it was time for me to play catch up. I don’t often have time for pleasantries, but if you’re gonna penetrate me, at least say hello. So, we’re having the worst sex you can dream of, and part way through he goes “is this working from you?”, like mate, surely you can tell it’s not doing anything let’s be real. We stop and lie there butt naked next to each other barely saying anything. Finally, I pluck the courage up and suggest he “go home to finish packing”. This may just be the weirdest 6 minutes of my life. Then he text me about 30 minutes later with a cheeky “it’s not you, it’s me”. Got a confession, a naughty tale, a sexy story? Email sexcapades@massivemagazine.org.nz to submit yours xoxox

COLUMNS

How to Adult: Managing Flat Bills

By Liam McGuire

TAKE STOCK

Paying bills can be a bitch. Shit costs money. For the unfortunate soul who has to calculate, estimate and pay the bills, you tend to spend more than you hoped just to keep things running. Here’s how to stay on top of flat bills, and piss off your flatties as little as possible in the process.

Every week, scour your flat and check things bought at communal expense. TP, Washing powder, the likes. If it’s getting low but isn’t out, pretend it is. It’s better to stock up early than run out of toilet paper, trust me. Your flatties may not thank you for the pre-emptive expense but their wiped asses and (hopefully) washed dishes will.

FIRSTLY: MATH I know it’s not fun but even just whipping out your phone calculator is enough. Internet is a set price every month, it’s a good starting point. Work out how much everyone needs to pay every week to meet the monthly Internet bill. For example, a $90 bill between 3 people comes to $30 per person per month, and $7.50 per week. With a constant starting point, look at power. Same time every 2 weeks or month, the changeable aspect is how much you have to spend on it. Get an average every season. Let’s say it’s usually between $15 and $20 per week over summer. Estimate $5 over, split it per person and bam, that’s how much you add to the weekly cost. Lastly, the other set price things like Toilet Paper, Washing Powder, Hand Soap, Rubbish bags. The price stays the same every time, but how often you need them often changes. Calculate the cost of each item, chuck it in your notes on your phone. Next we come to…

HAVE A FLAT ACCOUNT Figuring out how much you need to spend every week is hard enough when you’re mathing out the bills you’ve got to pay. Trust me, it’s twice as hard when that money is mixed in with your studylink or work account. It’s a trouble you don’t need, and it’s easy to look at all the money in that account and think you’re fine, then end up cutting into your own cash because you miscalculated. LASTLY: COMMUNICATE Hit up the flat chat every week. Tell them “This is how much I need from everyone and here’s why.” Screenshot your bills, keep the grocery receipts. Your flatties can get extra grumpy when the bills are higher than usual and you can’t say why. Managing bills can be a thankless job, but if you’re someone who likes to keep organised and not have a shit credit score, it’s worth the hassle. It’s better to have a cranky flatmate than debt collectors on your ass. Plus, it’s a good skill to have under your belt. COLUMNS

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@massive_mag

Presidents’ Columns

ASA: BEN AUSTIN

MAWSA: TESSA GUEST

MUSA: FATIMA IMRAN

We, the students of Massey University have experienced unprecedented upheavals over the past three weeks and we will be recounting them for many years to come. However, we cannot forget our lecturers who have endured the same upheavals we have. Most of them have gone far above and beyond to adapt to the online learning environment. Their commitment ensures we can still succeed; it must be difficult for them when most of the time they are talking to named little black boxes. Fellow students, next time we are forced to learn online, let’s turn our cameras on and show our dedicated lecturers they are not alone.

Phew! What a week it was at MAWSA! Go Week, tick. ByElection, tick - BIG congrats to our new Sustainability & Wellbeing Officer! I don’t know about you, but I’m feeling a bit ngenge (tired). It’s week 4, deadlines are looming, all-nighters are prevailing. If that sounds a bit like you remember to take a break, go for a walk, and suss the support you need to get through. MAWSA’s advocate is here to help you through any life struggles, and there’s a free counselling service here if you need to talk. You’re crushing it, arohanui x

Namaste everyone!! Hope week 4 treats you all well. I am sure many of you have already settled in and getting use to life here in Palmy. I know it took me time to get use to it especially coming from Auckland, but hey it’s not that bad, at least it’s not Hamilton (please don’t cancel me). I don’t know what else to say so here is my weekly palmy suggestion: if you’re a pre-vet or you know one, make sure to go outside and get some sun before it disappears for the semester.

OPENING HOURS: LUNCH 11:30AM - 3:00PM (MONDAY - SUNDAY) DINNER 5:00PM - 8:30PM (MONDAY - SATURDAY) @phomonz

62 Dixon St, Te Aro, 6011, Wellington

Puzzles CROSSWORD

Printable Sudoku - Easy - 03/04/2021

03/04/2021

4 1

QUICK QUIZ

3 Vice Chancellor of Massey? 5 9 1. Who is the A) Dan Tomkins B) Jane Thom C) Jan Thomas 4 6 5 2 2 7 2. How much is a 20 pack of Rothman Red cigarettes? 5 A) $19.90 8 B) $23.90 C) $27.90 Printable Sudoku - Easy - 03/04/2021 3. How many Oscars has Adam Sandler won? 9 7 A) 0 B) 1 C) 2 4. 1What 8 NZ university7has the most 2 students? 5 8 A) Massey B) Otago C) Auckland 5Where 3 in4the world would 6 you find the most isolated 2 5. tree? A) Japan B) Norway C) New Zealand

Sudoku - Easy

Sudoku.cool

SUDOKU 9

5 5

4 9

5 23

Easy

13. . If you see a Young ACT, you should “____” (3) 15. Cave-dwelling prophesier 21. A group of people who willingly have their soul devoured by a common obsession (6) 22. The internet’s busiest music nerd/fruit with many variants (5) 23. Less than weeks, more than hours (4) 24. Colour of poo (5) 27. Some pay for it, others use the big hot ball in the sky (3)

D) Judy Dench

D) $31.90

5/03/21, 8:24 AM

D) 3

D) Victoria

D) Sahara

WORD WHEEL

03/04/2021

6 45

DOWN 1. Subject to ostracism (9) 2. Having a bold, provocative, or unconventional quality (4) 3. Foregin affairs minister (11) 4. Alpine parrot (3) 5. One of life’s greatest pleasures. Better than sleep. (3) 6.Toilet in te reo Māori (9) 7. Two under par in golf (5) 11. A really sexy animal that lives mainly underground(4) 6America’s top dog (5) 12.

71 3 63

6 9 7

8 1

8 5

7 9

1 2

https://sudoku.cool/sudoku/printable-easy-sudoku.php

9 73 3

5 6

88 1

2 2 5

7 2

Hard 1

QUIZ ANSWERS: 1. C, 2. D, 3. A, 4. C with over 40 000 students, 5. C Found on Campbell Island, ‘Sitka Spruce’ as it is named, became the record holder after a drunk truck driver crashed into the previous record holder - the ‘Tree of Ténéré’ which had stood in the Sahara desert for 300 years.

18. Having no expression on your face despite the hilarity you are causing your audience (7) 19. “How could you be so _____ to me, and yet she could be so cool about it” (5) 20. Taking up this musical instrument gets you instantly laid (5) 23. Your boyfriend looks just like him (3) 25. It takes fewer muscles to smile (5) 26. Tax on the stupid (7) 28. You will never get this 29. South African fast food chain (6) 30. Contraceptive (6)

5/03/21, 8:24 AM

Sudoku - Easy

ACROSS 1. Cheapest wine in supermarkets (9) 6. BYO alcohol of choice (4) 8. Common slang for cannabis in Jamaica (5) 9. The most badass of the bears (5) 10. You do it when you’re happy, you do it when you’re sad 12. “I like that _____ that is a nice ____” (7) 14. The sign of the lion (3) 16. “It makes me wanna wag my tail, when it comes I want to wail... ____!” (4) 17. The lowest form of humour (unless wielded by a true master) (3)

37 1 2

1 1

6 67

83 35 2

8 1

The target is to create as many words of 4 letters or more, using the letters once only and always including the letter in the middle of the wheel.

7 2 4

N A

S E

4-letter words: 16 5-letter words: 8 6-letter words: 9

S 7-letter words: 1 9-letter words: 1

COLUMNS Page 1 of 4

Horoscopes Aquarius:

Aries:

Don’t play devil’s advocate, again... The spawn of satan who worked an eternity for that position won’t take kindly to mere humas who cut the line. One more “well actually” and you might just find yourself dragged to the fiery depths by devil himself, having to explain your speaking on his behalf.

Like an infant locked in a playroom, you will have an undeniable urge to draw on the walls, tear down the curtains and shit in the communal kitchen. Just don’t let your property manager… Or your flatmates for that matter. Sober up buddy.

Cancer:

Capricorn:

Your want to constantly fix people has become out of control. Your friends don’t mind though, with replacement hands, eyes and teeth handed out to all who need them. Just don’t ask where they came from, or why you’re covered in dirt.

Get some excitement into your life for once. That perfect sauce symbol placed upon your well curated home cooked meal will summon something ancient and foreboding. Who knows, you might just make a friend under all those tendrils, or worse, have fun.

Gemini:

Leo:

Do you ever wish there were 2 of you to get everything done with half the stress and double the time? Well, be careful what you wish for. If you see someone who reminds you a little too much of your own face, beware. Doubles have been seen roaming the campus. Be ready for a fight to the death or some strange kinky sex. Just remember, only one of you can come out on top...

Go on, catch that glance of yourself in the shop window, the bathroom mirror, anywhere you can. But beware, don’t stare too long or you won’t be able to look away. Stare too long and you might just fall in and find yourself trapped in your own reflection. But is that really a bad thing? You don’t need to keep up with uni when you’re stuck in the mirror realm.

Libra:

Pisces:

Spinning sweet lies or half truths to stitch together the perfectly relevant past. Beware, your thread is wearing thin. Keep treating yourself as a piece of yarn and you may wake up one day to find you’ve spun yourself into a gown. One that is both frumpy and ill fitted

Be careful when daydreaming this week. The intense energy of your distraction will manifest itself into reality. And you will KNOW, not wonder, whether you would prefer penises for fingers or a finger for a penis. But you will not be able to change your mind, no matter what strange encounters ensue… Or restraining orders.

Sagittarius:

Scorpio:

Avoid the block 12 showers. While the dulcet tones and lapping water might sound entrancing, the couple fucking certainly won’t appreciate the intrusion of privacy. Or maybe they will… either way it won’t end well.

“I don’t believe in star signs” you say. “That’s because you’re a scorpio” they say. Court hearing for murder is next week. Good luck finishing your uni work with that anger AND a body on your hands.

Taurus:

Virgo:

You might want to de-clutter this week. The collective energies of the cute rocks and starry symbols you have accrued have begun to meld. Morphing into a being of their own. Get rid of that which you do not need, or it might just get rid of you…

Go against your nature. Allow control to cede and chaos to prevail. Your hair matted and woven, belongings in rubble and life left unchecked. You may finally feel free from the pressing need to do things right. Maybe try getting pegged?

COLUMNS