Massive Magazine Issue 07 2021

MASSIVE

ISSUE 07 MASSIVE MASSIVE MASSIVE MASSIVE MASSIVE MASSIVE MASSIVE MASSIVE MASSIVE MASSIVE MASSIVE MASSIVE MASSIVE MASSIVE MASSIVE MASSIVE MASSIVE MASSIVE MASSIVE MASSIVE MASSIVE MASSIVE MASSIVE MASSIVE MASSIVE MASSIVE MASSIVE MASSIVE MASSIVE MASSIVE MASSIVE MASSIVE MASSIVE MASSIVE MASSIVE MASSIVE MASSIVE MASSIVE MASSIVE MASSIVE MASSIVE MASSIVE MASSIVE MASSIVE MASSIVE MASSIVE MASSIVE MASSIVE MASSIVE MASSIVE MASSIVE MASSIVE MASSIVE MASSIVE MASSIVE MASSIVE MASSIVE MASSIVE MASSIVE MASSIVE MASSIVE MASSIVE MASSIVE MASSIVE MASSIVE MASSIVE MASSIVE MASSIVE

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APRIL 19/2021

Table of Contents 06 11 12 16 22 26 28 30 33 34 35 36 37 38 39

News I Don’t Feel Safe Crazy, Stupid Crocs Hangry at Massey That Weed Referendum Dismantling Sexual Violence David Seymour Artist Profile: DARTZ Culinarylingus How to Adult Sexcapades Snip, Snop, Snap President’s Columns Puzzles Horoscopes

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EDITOR Caroline Moratti SUB EDITOR Jamie Mactaggart CULTURE EDITOR Liv Redman

PHOTOGRAPHERS Callum Parsons @callumoparsons.nz Liam McGuire

Got a letter to the Editor? Email e d i t o r @ m a s s i v e m a g a z i n e. org.nz to rant, flirt, complain, whatever x

ILLUSTRATOR Tallulah Farrar @tallulahfarrar

Massive is registered under the New Zealand Press Council which allows our reader to reach out to an independent forum for resolving complaints you may have.

NEWS EDITOR James Pocock

CONTRIBUTORS Ellie Franco Williams, Courtney Hammond, Micah Davis-Rae

STAFF WRITERS Cameron Taylor, Elena McIntyre-Reet, Rimu Bhooi, Liam McGuire, Ari Prakash

editor@massivemagazine.org.nz Facebook/massive.magazine Instagram/massivemagazine www.massivemagazine.org.nz

DESIGNER Micah Davis-Rae

READ ONLINE issu.com/massivemagazine

CONTACT

Massive is also a member of the Aotearoa Student Press Association.

The views, beliefs and opinions reflected in the pages of Massive do not necessarily

represent those of Massey University, its staff, ASA, MUSA, MAWSA, M@D or the Massive Editor. MAWSA is an independent organisation that publishes Massive.

Send any queries or complaints directly to Massive at editor@ m a s s i v e m a g a z i n e. o r g. n z .

Massive is subject to the New Zealand Press Council. If a complainant is not satisfied with the response from W, the complaint may be referred to the Press Council: info@ presscouncil.org.nz or online via presscouncil.org.nz.

Editorial

I HAVE A LOVE-HATE RELATIONSHIP WITH MASSEY EMAIL EDITOR@MASSIVEMAGAZINE.ORG.NZ TO HAVE YOUR SAY

I moved up to Massey this year, from Otago, and, well, it’s been interesting. Massey can feel depressing at times. By having different campuses and students all across the country, it’s cool but also means that a certain community spirit is lacking. For starters, there’s a distinct lack of student bars (apart from Fergs in Auckland, if we’re really being desperate), something that depresses me greatly come a Wednesday or Thursday night. Students struggle to get to and from campus. Distance students are often side-lined. The Wi-Fi is shit, the buildings horrendously numbered, and the food is bad at the best of times, not-existent at the worst.

But, despite everything, I love the students. You guys are so fucking cool.

Manawatū- you beautiful breathers! I want to frolic in your fields and have someone teach me how to do a funnel.

Albany- your chicken wing statue is so powerful and horny. Your architecture is beautiful and you have sushi, which is basically the biggest win for me.

Wellington- you glorious hipsters. Everyone is so fashionably dressed and nice, and you always share your weed.

Distance students- you guys were using Zoom before it was even trendy. Your Facebook group is a delightful mixture of friendship and bitchiness, and I froth it.

When I took this job, I wanted to do two things. Firstly, call the university out on their shit a bit.

Don’t get me wrong, I love the staff and I think they’re genuinely nice people, doing their best, which we all are. But sometimes, decisions are made without student consultation, and things like department and job cuts, digital plus and so much more seems to get swept under the rug. And it’s our job to call attention to that.

Secondly, I wanted to bring some bonding to Massey. We’re a community, and we need to come together, in spite of all the shit. Despite our differences, we all have terrible Wi-Fi. Maybe that can be our always.

A lot of the time, it’s weird doing a student magazine that’s spread out amongst so many places. Whilst Massive has staff and volunteers out all across the country, I still always feel like I’m missing stuff out. I wish I could be everywhere at once. So that’s where you guys come in.

Massive is your student magazine. If something happens, on or around campus, let us know.

We wanna talk about it. Flick us a message on Facebook, Instagram, Snapchat, email or our website (just not our twitter, because no one knows the password and we’ve been locked out since 2015 lol). If you wanna write for us, you can! If you’re doing cool shit, we want to feature you. Get involved, get amongst. x Caroline

LETTERS TO THE EDITOR EMAIL EDITOR@MASSIVEMAGAZINE.ORG.NZ TO HAVE YOUR SAY

CORRECTION: In Issue 6, we ran a news piece about the opening of the Te Rau Karamu Marae, but incorrectly referred to the marae as the Pukeahu campus marae, as its name had not yet been announced at time of printing. We apologize for this oversight, especially in our delay to update our online edition. Massive’s done a more indepth follow-up on the Marae opening in our news this week, I hope you check it out.

Thanks for your drug issue. I, too, enjoy drugs. In light of recent news, here’s hoping the trans-Tasman bubble FINALLY means we get some better MDMA. Like seriously.

There’s too much bath salts going around and only the Aussies can save us. I don’t care who has the smuggle some pills in their ass, just please do it quickly.

Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oi Oi Oi!

RADIO CONTROL’S NZ TOP 10

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SOFT ENERGY Mermaidens

2

HOUSE FULL OF SHIT Night Lunch

3

OPERATOR PLZ (IMUGI REMIX) Amamelia

4

THE MORE YOU DON’T KNOW, THE LESS YOU KNOW Fruit Juice Parade

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FALL 2XM & Caramel Smooth Heaven

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THERE’S NO REASONS I KNOW Polaroids of Polarbears

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FINE Sheep, Dog & Wolf

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COMBINE HARVESTER Opposite Sex

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HIT PICK

JAGRAFESS (IMPRESS REMIX) Synthetic Children

ANNA’S PICK

WARPING IN THE HOUSE FULL OF SUN SHIT Kane Strang Night Lunch

FELIX’S PICK

PUFF PUFF PASS Partying at the Disco

HAZEL’S PICK

DRÆYYKE Fruit Juice Parade

CANDOR AND REASON IN CHAT mr sterile

LIGHNING BOLT (FEAT BAILEY WILEY) Combine Harvester

MICHAEL’S PICK

DON’T Swallow the Rat

MASSIVE NEWS

Shock resignations: Distance exec lose half of their exec members

though I was quite invested in the association, it was untenable to stay on.”

Members resigned due to a “hostile working environment” and “diabolical” email from co-president

Taiawhio Wati says that herself and other board members were “hoping to mediate and move forward” after lack of board consultation around serious issues. However, after a “diabolical email” sent by Jax, the board members resigned in protest.

CAROLINE MORATTI

DISTANCE NEWS

Massive has observed this email and will be covering ongoing allegations in our next issue.

Massey’s Distance Executive (M@D) are left reeling after the recent resignation of three board members - totalling half of their exec - in response to an alleged hostile working environment and email sent by a CoPresident. On April 8, M@D received resignations from their Māori Representative Taiawhio Wati, South Island and International Representative Aaron McLelland, and Lower North Island Representative/Treasurer Salla Garam.

In regards to the email being “diabolical”, Jax says that this statement “overlooks that our approach to unsavoury things such as having to bring up disciplinary issues have been guided by those with more experience than us, such as NZUSA and Massey University”. She claims she was responding to the “perceived cruelty” on the board which called for “disciplinary action”.

M@D Co-Presidents Jacalyn Clare and Jax Watt say that, “[they] chose to resign as they felt the current board’s trajectory and style didn’t align with their values. It is unfortunate this has occurred.” However, Salla Garam told Massive that this reasoning “isn’t accurate”. Salla says, “speaking just for myself, there were no issues with the board’s trajectory, the issues were with communication.

M@D became a hostile working environment and I felt,

“Massey University has further supported our disciplinary approach, being aware of everything that has been transpiring as the General Manager added or forwarded them the email threads. As they noted, the person in charge of disciplinary action within the association or any place of work is supposed to be ‘scary’- that was Massey’s words, not ours,” the co-presidents claim. “Disciplinary tones were taken by a M@D President for the first time in a long time and this has been perceived as what you have quoted as ‘hostile’ NEWS

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or ‘diabolical’.” They claim that disciplinary processes have not occurred within M@D for “years”.

In resignation emails seen by Massive, one board member wrote, “I’m no longer willing to be part of an organisation where all communications from one of the co-presidents are aggressive, accusatory, sometimes condescending, and borderline insulting.” Another wrote, “People and relationships are far more important than any regulatory requirements and it’s important to try and maintain those relationships while implementing regulation.”

Jacalyn and Jax say that they “were very clear when we were voted in by the students that we would be concentrating on bringing the association back into compliance and in line with how contemporary student associations are governed.” The co-presidents say that they were forewarned by Massey and NZUSA that “large scale structural and cultural changes will always end up ruffling a few feathers”.

They admit that, given the resignations, work has now “fallen back” to the co-presidents, with Jacalyn and Jax also taking on the Educational and Welfare portfolios after interest was failed to be generated in February. They’re now “focused on getting our board filled as quickly as possible”.

But as to whether the roles can be filled quickly, that remains to be seen. Executives are bound by their constitutions as to what to do in these cases. Whilst after the resignation of their Sustainability and Welfare Officer, MAWSA could just call a quick by-election within weeks of university starting, M@D is constitutionally bound that, for an election to occur, nominations must be called for during an AGM. However, an AGM can’t occur any earlier than the start of Semester 2. Long story short, until the Executive can hold an election, they can “opt-in” people to replace members. “A section on the Stream site will list our open board positions. Students will be able to either email their expressions of interest to us or upload them directly to the Stream page itself,” the co-presidents say. When the Stream site launches in two weeks, the co-presidents will begin accepting expressions of interest from students. Board positions look likely to change from regional to portfolio based.

This is far from the first drama the Distance Executive has experienced this year. In January, Kelly Hall resigned from her position as the Lower North Island Representative.

Salla Garam also made the decision to step down from her position as Vice President, but continued her role as Treasurer. Salla was voted on to take on the position of Lower North Island Representative in order to retain her seat on the board. David McNab also declined the Upper North Island Representative position he was elected to in 2020, with fellow candidate Sean Cardiff taking on the position in his absence.

This is an ongoing investigation. If you have any information, please contact editor@massivemagazine. org.nz

Revealed: The papers most likely to give you that sweet A+ …. or fail you entirely Brb, gonna start a career in fashion.

CAROLINE MORATTI

NATIONAL NEWS

An OIA request to Massey University has revealed the information that every student wants to know: which papers are most likely to give you an A+, and which papers are dishing out those fail grades like they’re condoms at a O-Week. Finally, we have statistical evidence to help determine your all-important course load.

Fashion Design Research and Development came out on top, with a whooping 53.8% of students gaining an A+ in 2020. The Fashion Department just continues to give us WINS, from birthing a Project Runway winner, to treating students with the respect, and grades, they deserve.

Music Production and Composition 3 and Music Practice followed close behind with a 40.9% and 40.0%, respectively.

Creative Ecologies III came in at fourth place with 39.5% of students gaining that sweet 90% or above, and Crew Resource Management landed a tidy 39.1%.

A whole range of papers didn’t award their students any A+’s in 2020, from Photography and the Body, Maternal and Child Nutrition, Advanced Academic Reading and Writing I, Integrative Studies in Veterinary Science and much more. Kinda rude but okay. We were in a pandemic!

Spare a couple of A+’s in this trying time.

As for papers to avoid, it’s no surprise that - even from total alone - they all sound scarily boring. In first place: Justice and Equality, where 46% of students achieved less than 50%, with the median grade being labelled a DC. A DC means Did Not Complete which, according to Massey, is “regarded as lower than D, E and F when determining the median grade”. Fucking yikes. What the fuck is going on where the majority of the class just straight up doesn’t complete the coursework?

Next was Operating Systems and Networks, with 38.1% of the class failing, with a median grade of C+, and Advanced Aviation Human Factors with 36.6% failing, again a C+ median grade. In fourth place was - wait for it - Foundation Management with 36.4% and a C grade. If you took, or are taking, any of these courses, my heart goes out to you.

Note, summer school papers or papers with under 20 students were excluded due to privacy or grade finalising reasons. Also, this is just undergraduate papers, sorry postgrads xx If you want the full list, check out our website where we’ve leaked the docs. Is your paper an asshole or an angel? Only one way to find out.

NEWS

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Stream for Distance Students announced

Te Rau Karamu marae is Massey students’ newest taonga

Move over Facebook, there’s a new sheriff in town CAROLINE MORATTI

DISTANCE NEWS

The Distance Executive, M@D, has unveiled plans for a Distance Stream page, expected to launch in two weeks.

M@D Co-Presidents, Jacalyn Clare and Jax Watt, say that the site is “invaluable” for the Executive, as it allows them to connect with students who don’t use social media. “This will have the ability to access 15,000 students,” Jacalyn says.

“It’s huge, it’s expanding our reach more than in any way before.”

The idea has been in the pipeline since the start of this year, although some of the process had already been initiated by the previous president. With guidance from the Stream team at Massey, the Executive started work on the community Stream site last month.

The co-presidents say they’ve “set up a list of forums that offer not only a student chat room but spaces for some of the many subcultures that exist within the Massey Distance student community,” such as different spaces for distance Rainbow, Pasifika and Māori students within the site. The site will also hold information about M@D, with an archive of meeting minutes and a copy of their current constitution.

Just in case you’re ever really bored, I suppose?

There will be several databases, including ones where students can add links to online upskilling courses, or tools to help them with postgraduate writing and data collection.

Alongside this, there will be an undergrad space and student wellbeing space, as well as a “fun corner of the Stream site” where students can share Spotify or YouTube playlists.

Jacalyn and Jax say, “We often feel like distance students are the invisible majority of Massey University, we very much hope this space will help distance students that we have not been able to reach before. We want them to have the opportunity to learn about our scholarships and apply for them, run in our elections, and give wider input on our student consultation. The wide reach of Stream will hopefully do that.”

The site still needs some work before it can be fully unveiled to the public, hence the wait of two weeks. “We’re hauling ass to get this out by the end of April,” Jax says. Comparing the current site to a state of undress, she says, “If we show people what it looks like now, it will be an embarrassment.”

COURTNEY HAMMOND

WELLINGTON NEWS

More than 400 people watched the morning light break the horizon over Massey University’s Pukeahu campus marae, Te Rau Karamu, and its wharenui, Te Whaioranga o Te Whaiao, for its dawn ceremony. The names were revealed at the 5:30am dawn ceremony on 27 March following a karakia.

The opening of Te Rau Karamu and Te Whaioranga o Te Whaiao is a step in the direction of expanding kaupapa Māori for students, staff, whanau and the community alike.

Massey Wellington’s Māori Student Association Kōkiri Ngātahi said, “words cannot fully express our gratitude towards having a safe space for all tauira to connect with their cultural identity and feel closer to their whakapapa on campus”.

The opening ceremony of Te Rau Karamu offered tauira the chance to execute Māori tikanga and manaaki manuhiri throughout the day.

Joseph Ngametuangaro, a Massey student of Ngāti Porou and Te Arawa descent, reiterates Kōkiri’s Ngātahi’s expression of gratitude and says he feels like Te Rau Karamu means he’s closer to his roots, home, and his tupuna. “It’s been four years since I’ve been a part of it and its now coming to a time where I can celebrate the opening of this beautiful marae that’s going to be called our home,” he said.

Whetu Awatere, a Massey student of Te Arawa, Ngāti Porou and Te Atiawa descent, offers a different take on what Te Rau Karamu really means for students and in particular for Māori students. “I wouldn’t use the word important, it would NEWS

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be more normalising,” he said.

because it’s in the context of a reading,” she said.

Awatere says the word important to describe the marae can be alienating, whereas Te Rau Karamu “brings a normalisation of who you are into this space and I guess to me, just being normal should be the forefront”.

According to Massey’s freedom of expression policy, “Academic staff should not be prevented from including material on the basis that it may shock or offend students.

On the basis that this material is academically quality assured.”

Massey University’s Deputy Vice-Chancellor Māori, Professor Meihana Durie, says the marae truly enriches the Massey experience. He says the addition of Te Rau Karamu to the Pekeahu campus brings another opportunity for Māori students to “thrive and flourish”.

“It is a marae for the future. We want our Māori students and prospective Māori students to know that this is a place where they can learn as Māori,” Durie said.

Durie also acknowledges that the marae is a place for all students and staff to gain an “informed perspective on te ao Māori”, the Māori world view, through offering a new experience for many students who perhaps have never had the opportunity to come into a marae or whare, adding an “entirely new dimension” to the Massey experience on this campus. He hopes to see all students who study at Massey “leave with their kite full of rich experiences”.

Te Rau Karamu will mostly be used for teaching and learning with a strong presence of kaupapa Māori. This new space will also facilitate gatherings of students, staff, community and iwi members for hui and wānanga, and includes an ātea, wharenui and wharekai.

Students uncomfortable after lecturer uses racial slur during lecture. Massey stands by it.

“Massey University stands by our academic staff and their chosen approach to language use when teaching or researching issues that risk offending people.” Honestly, fuck this shit.

ELENA MCINTYRE-REET

WELLINGTON NEWS

Students in a 300-level lecture were left shocked when a lecturer casually said the n-word while reading a quote off the projector. According to student accounts, the use of the word came across as deliberate. “I couldn’t really believe what I was hearing, the whole class just kind of sat there in silence,” one student told Massive.

Ruby*, another student attending the class, noted that she was not surprised by this behaviour unfortunately. “I knew he was going to say it when the quote appeared on the board, it’s gotten to the point where sadly I’m not surprised. It made me feel extremely uncomfortable. I don’t understand why academics who aren’t black (or just people who aren’t), think they get a pass to use that kind of language just

Massey said they were not aware of any complaints, similar or otherwise around the issue. A spokesperson says, “While some lecturers may avoid use of terms deemed offensive in society, others will use language as written within their academic analysis and teaching. It is not the intent of lecturers to offend students through the use of offensive language, but it is an important part of the higher education to be able to use words in academic discussion.”

“Massey University stands by our academic staff and their chosen approach to language use when teaching or researching issues that risk offending people.” The spokesperson goes on to say, “Every person deserves to be treated with respect and should be able to enjoy a working and learning environment free from discrimination, harassment or victimisation.” As to whether those two statements are mutually exclusive, we’ll leave that to you, the reader.

When asked if she felt the use of the term was a part of a quality academic experience, Ruby said no. “It didn’t add anything to my academic experience, in fact if anything it made me question it. It just seems really ironic, that these people are supposed to be our teachers, but they’re coming across so ignorant.”

Massey has a gin-making tree on campus, but it’s for “research”.

Do you have a sensitive nose? Oh boy, do we have some good news for you.

CAROLINE MORATTI

MANAWATŪ NEWS

Massey is leading a study about juniper berries - yes, the berries that make gin - with berries being harvested from a tree on the Manawatū campus, alongside other trees around the country.

Professor Joanne Hort, Fonterra Riddet Chair in Consumer and Sensory Science says there are several elements to the study, “from propagating juniper trees, chemical analysis of NZ and European berries and making model gins from the berries to determine if a perceivable difference can be detected across the different types of juniper berries,” with research expected to take 12 months.

According to Hort, there is one juniper berry tree on the Manawatū campus(!). Massive cheekily asked if this tree was available for student use, but sadly the tree is only available to the project team. Boo. But fear not, good news awaits. Part of the study involves sampling the difference NEWS

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between New Zealand gins and commercial gins, with Hort saying “the team will be recruiting tasters who are highly sensitive to aromas – essentially yes a student could volunteer if they had the time available over the duration of the study and were sensitive enough.” Whilst my nose isn’t strong, according to my ex I am highly sensitive, so here’s hoping.

The study will run as a partnership between Massey, Taranaki-based Begin Distilling and Greentec Propagation.

Bottoms up.

one of Massey’s halls of residence near the Wellington campus, late 2018 and was declined twice before being accepted on the third round without an explanation.

“As a relatively decent student I was really shocked and confused when I wasn’t accepted the first and then second time. It was quite stressful because I had been counting on getting into the halls to be able to study at Massey. I finally got accepted a month or so later. When I was declined, no explanation was offered, and this was the most confusing part. I put it down to me being 17 at the time, but that was never confirmed. When my high school dean reached out to see where my application was at, she received no explanation either, so we were playing a waiting game for a month or so until the third round of applications were accepted,” Courtney said.

A Massey spokesperson says that inability to accommodate students due to availability and cohort restrictions can be factors in declined applications for both the Wellington and Manawatū halls.

“On the rare occasion, we may not be able to provide appropriate support for an applicant’s needs, or, accept a returning applicant based on previous behaviours that impact the wider halls community,” the Massey spokesperson said.

The situation is slightly different for Te Ohanga Village in Albany according to the spokesperson.

Manawatū halls of residence reject most applicants Only the highest standards in Palmerston North JAMES POCOCK

MANAWATŪ NEWS

Halls run by Massey on the Manawatū campus have nearly 10 times the number of declined applications than the other two campuses for the years 2020 and 2021 combined.

According to data obtained from Massey, 20 applicants were rejected from Massey’s Manawatū halls of residence, while 26 have been rejected in 2021 so far. In comparison, Massey-run halls on the Albany campus had zero rejected applicants both years, while Massey-run halls on the Wellington campus had two rejected applicants in 2020 and three rejected applicants in 2021.

According to Massey, there are 17 Massey-run halls across the Manawatū campus, three Massey-run halls across the Wellington campus (two for first years and one for seniors) and one hall on the Auckland campus, Te Ohanga Village.

“At our Te Ohanga Village, declined applications to accommodate students to date have been declining international students under the age of 18 who we have referred to the Massey University homestay.

Declined applications have also included being unable to accommodate families as all rooms are a single occupancy,” they say.

Ferguson Hall is an independently run hall of residence for Massey students on the Manawatū campus. Ferguson Hall RA Ruth says she thought it was interesting that Manawatū Massey had the highest number of application rejections at Massey halls.

“We had introductory training with the RAs on the Manawatū campus alongside the head of campus managers etc.

I remember them saying they still had rooms to fill up in specific halls as not all rooms had been filled. However, alongside this, I remember them mentioning that for certain halls they try to get a mix of people (there’s no specific resident they look for),” Ruth said.

She says that there are non-alcoholic halls and a rainbow hall on the campus which she thought could possibly have different or more strict requirements when vetting potential residents which could also potentially lead to declined applications.

Massey student Courtney says she applied for the Cube, NEWS

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Browse Café returns...but with Starbucks?

Honestly did not know that Starbucks was served in cafes other than Starbucks, but like, good for them, I guess.

ARI PRAKASH

ALBANY NEWS After months of uncertainty, Browse Café is making moves to reopen, with a new addition of a Starbucks menu.

Once a popular spot for students in the Albany library to study and grab a quick bite, Browse Café became another victim of the first 2020 Covid-19 lockdown. But when the first lockdown

had lifted, Browse had closed its blinds. However, many students still had hope. For them, it wasn’t a question of “if” Browse will reopen, but “when”. Campus Librarian, Amanda Cooper, echoed this sentiment and said that a reopening was “on the horizon”.

However, the appearance of Starbucks posters around the library made Browse’s future even more uncertain.

Campus operation manager, John Shimwell, said “The two short lockdowns earlier this semester further delayed the café’s reopening. But we are now pleased to advise that Browse will reopen for business from Monday 19 April. It will be open from Monday to Friday, between 08.00[AM] and 12.00[PM].”

As for Starbucks, Shimwell said that “Browse Café will be part of the We Proudly Serve Starbucks® coffee program.

Browse Café will remain under the same ownership and be operated by Compass as before. But will now have access to the Starbucks range of beverages and food products.”

A description of the program says that baristas will be trained to serve Starbucks drinks. Judging from the menu and fine print, products available for students will become clearer on opening day. Hopefully, over time Browse Café will stay open for longer too. The afternoon caffeine hit is always much appreciated.

I DON’T FEEL SAFE WORDS BY TESSA GUEST

This is the exclamation of our tauira, our rangatahi, our wāhine.

We’re rallying to lift up these voices. Our friends, our sisters, ourselves.

Sexual violence is a dark, transient plague that has seeped its way into spaces for too long. It’s a result of poorly designed streets, unhealthy cultures within industries and within people, and abused privilege. It happens during the day and during the night. Indoors and outdoors. In the city and in the surrounding suburbs. It’s everywhere, and we don’t feel safe.

We’re rallying to bring it out of the shadows, and to remind those in power that urgent and drastic change is needed and expected.

This isn’t coming from nowhere. It’s coming from hundreds of posts on social media, where women go to find solidarity because there’s not much else on offer. It’s coming from constant whispers between friends, classmates and

colleagues, expressing their anxiety and telling each other which streets to avoid at which times. And it’s coming from frequent, blatant, and visible examples of harm, violence and unwarranted anger.

Students have been quietly approaching their students associations, asking what can be done, and what is being done. This is our response.

We have to rally, because there’s not much else we can do.

Wellington’s volunteer-reliant services like HELP are overrun. Our universities do little to support us. Massey’s only now implementing a Harmful Sexual Behaviours Policy after decades of operating without one.

Too little has been done for too long, which is why we’re taking a city-wide issue into our own hands. It’s not our job to fix this single-handedly, but we’re saying to those in power that we want to work with them to find a better future.

They just need to step up.

So for all you folk who are scared to walk home after class, go into town at night, or wait for your train, this is for you.

We’re demanding change.

Let Us Live.

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Crazy, Stupid Crocs THE UNLIKELY TRIUMPH OF THE WORLD’S UGLIEST SHOE WORDS BY MICAH DAVIS-RAE

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F

rom a downtrodden write-off on the brink of despair to an unlikely hero showered with respect and adoration - the Crocs story is a triumph of rom-com proportions. Crocs are objectively cool now. It feels weird to say, but that doesn’t make it any less true. A combination of celebrity endorsements, sheer stubbornness, and a little bit of luck has allowed Crocs to carve themselves a glorious little niché within the shoe-biz, defying all odds by going from the world’s most hated to most beloved shoe brand.

Next year, Crocs will celebrate their twentieth anniversary.

While that makes them a relatively young brand in the wider context of the shoe industry, they’ve been around long enough now to assert themselves as a shoe with staying power. In their early years, what perhaps kept Crocs in business was their refusal to let global ridicule derail their self-belief. They quickly realised that despite the supreme ugliness of their shoes, there was an exceptional practicality to them that was unfuckwithable. Comfortable, durable, wipe-downable, nonslip, aerated; the handy strap even spoilt customers with the choice of a sports or leisure mode to suit their unpredictable lifestyles. There was clearly a lot to love. Soon after their launch in 2002, Crocs became a staple for nurses, chefs, boaters, dads, rock pool enthusiasts and anyone who spends all day on their feet. However, their burgeoning popularity in these sectors, coupled with their blatant refusal to please the fashionistas, meant that a growing disdain for Crocs began to emerge alongside their success.

“I just fucked your bitch in my Balenciaga Crocs.”

This attitude would take root. By 2010, Time Magazine had voted Crocs among the ‘top 50 worst inventions’ of all time, and a Facebook page titled ‘I don’t care how comfortable Crocs are, you look like a dumbass’ had gathered 1.2 million fans.

The ferocity of the ‘Croc-shamers’ as they came to be known, had begun to take a toll on the company’s bottom line. Crocs came within an inch of bankruptcy in 2008, and spent the next decade barely keeping their head above water. In 2017, their sales had slumped again and the future looked bleak. If the Crocs story was actually the script of Crazy, Stupid, Love, then this would be the moment that Steve Carrell jumps out of a moving car after Julianne Moore tells him she slept with David Linghagen (Kevin Bacon). Crocs had hit croc-bottom. But their fortunes were all about to change. Ryan Gosling was waiting just around the corner with a brand-new look and some timely advice on how to convince the cool kids that you’re worth a damn.

In 2017, high fashion brand Balenciaga first revealed its platform Crocs during Paris Fashion Week. Unsurprisingly, the internet lost the plot. The memes came in thick and fast. “Just when you think 2017 couldn’t get any worse, Balenciaga invent the platform croc. The world weeps,” read one, “I just fucked your bitch in my Balenciaga crocs” read another. But these bad boys

BALENCIAGA SS18

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DAVID BRANDON GEETING/CROCS x POST MALONE

“They were hurling shit at fashion’s door and it was sticking like hot glue.”

did more than just polarise the internet, they put Crocs back on the map in a way that nobody could have seen coming.

In February 2018, the Balenciaga platform Crocs rolled out for sale at the eye-boggling price of $850 USD per pair. They sold out before they’d even hit the stores. From there, it snowballed.

Companies and celebrities alike all flocked to the Croc. Post Malone, Justin Bieber, Bad Bunny, Ruby Rose, and KISS are just a few examples of celebrities who have rocked out with their Crocs out, all producing collabs that sold out in minutes. Even KFC jumped on board, creating a fried chicken scented Croc.

While ‘toe-sniffin’ good’ doesn’t really get me going in the same way, my prudish proclivities were not shared by the general public. The KFC Crocs were gobbled up faster than you can say foot fetish.

In regards to the collab frenzy, Crocs’ Director Molly Wilhelm had this to say: “We focus on partnering with a wide range of collaborators - from luxury fashion and country musicians to streetwear mavericks and cultural icons...” If you’re reading this, Ms. Wilhelm, I would like to throw out there a cultural icon for your consideration: Albany’s Chicken Wing Statue. We’d love to see it. If you could make it lube

scented then all the better.

Another piece of marketing genius that is also to thank (or blame) for Crocs’ ascension into pop culture fanfare are Jibbitz. These little charms pop right into your croc-holes to tell the world that the SKUX of the party just walked in. In the words of Crocs themselves, Jibbitz are “fun, symbolic and sentimental charms to represent your unique self to the world on your favourite pair of Croc shoes”. Crocs were no longer solely the pragmatists’ shoe. They were hurling shit at fashion’s door and it was sticking like hot glue.

Covid-19’s role on Croc’s recent successes also cannot be overstated.

With billions of people around the world stuck at home, and comfy becoming the new norm, more and more people have turned to the Croc to satisfy their footwear needs. Since the pandemic, the Crocs share price has risen a whopping 700%. If you’d had the foresight to invest your course-related costs on Crocs shares last year, you would now have the money to become the proud owner of 228 pairs of the classic clog. That’s 227 more pairs than you’ll ever need though, because these suckers are just that dang durable. Whether or not they can sustain their tenure at such dizzying heights still remains to be seen but, if you

ask me, there’s a strong chance we’re still only witnessing the beginning.

You may have noticed Crocs slowly appearing on the feet of students around the Massey campus. Tan France of Queer Eye famously called Crocs the “giving-up-on-life shoes” which makes them the perfect fit for Massey students, most of whom are past that point anyway. If you’re feeling inspired to fork out the $69.99 required to join the Croc club, be aware that you might encounter a smattering of anti-Croc sentiment that lingers around campus like old milk. I tell you this not to dissuade you from making the purchase, but rather to inform you that these clingers-on are a dying breed.

I promise you that you will have the last laugh as you and your Crocs walk the road of style and comfort.

If there is a lesson to be learned amongst all of this, then that is to never write off the underdog. You may be shocked to hear that I too was a Croc-shamer, once upon a time. All we can hope for is that by learning from the mistakes of our past, we might one day wake up and find some beauty in the ugliness of it all.

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A DEEP DIVE INTO THE POLITICS OF LIMITED EATING OPTIONS AND FOOD TRUCKS ON CAMPUS WORDS BY CAROLINE MORATTI

Every day I sit at my silly little desk and do my silly little work. But come lunchtime, my world literally falls apart.

The question of “what the fuck do I eat today” has become a nauseating, terrible facet of life at Massey University.

Massive decided to look into the options, or lack thereof, around the campuses, and how the University is failing to provide for students.

Before I get underway, I know what you’re gonna say.

And sure, I could bring lunch to university. But fuck it, that assumes a certain level of high functioning that is well beyond my capacities. I run a magazine but I’m too depressed to prepare and pack sandwiches. I don’t make the rules, I just live them. Miserably.

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ABOVE PHOTOS BY @TUSSOCK REVIEWS

WELLINGTON

In Wellington, there is one ring to rule to them all: Tussock.

Tussock is a cafe on campus that is, well, interesting. I don’t want to be too cruel, because I eat there almost every day and I don’t want them to start spitting in my food - although, actually, that might make an improvement on the food.

Tussock is a Massey operation, with a mandate that, according to a university spokesperson, “is to provide catering to students, staff and visitors at a minimum rate that covers the direct operational costs and as such remain viable”. It’s the sole caterer for Wellington, because, as the spokesperson claims “due to the size of the Wellington campus this is the only viable option”. I think 4000 students deserve a bit more than that, in my opinion. If the campus is big enough to hold an empty wellbeing space filled with beanbags, I’m sure it could open another store, just saying.

Tussock is the hand job of the food industry: it’ll do the job, but really, you could do a hell of a lot better yourself. It’s relatively cheap, but the quality shows. My one sticking point about Tussock is that there’s no sushi. No tender teriyaki chicken with avocado on rice, nothing! In fact, the whole menu is pretty fucking Eurocentric, which is far from great when that’s the only food you can buy on campus.

Student Emma says “Everyone knows Tussock sucks, but it’s all we’ve got. Everything I buy from there, whether it’s

sandwiches or cakes, it’s dry as hell. I normally just get the onion rings, but they’ve even replaced those with corn nuggets.”

Regardless of your opinion of Tussock, it’s still insanely popular because it’s the only fucking place to eat on campus. There is a 15 person plus line on that little cafe, from 11:45am to 1:30pm. To grab food, I’ve literally started eating at 11am every day, just to dodge the queue. Yes, Massey has forced me to become a brunch person. Sure, it’s cute on Sundays, but not quite on a dismal Wednesday when your stomach starts growling by 2:30, again.

Let’s say, you decide to give Tussock the middle finger, and venture out elsewhere. Any other cafe is a good 10 minutes’ walk away, often up or down a hill. Doing my simple baby maths, that’s a 20-minute round trip, just to grab some food.

Students don’t have the time, energy, or lung-capacity for this. Student Corey says that “if I leave campus for lunch, I just end up walking all the way home and not coming back.

Once I’m out of campus, I’m out.”

PALMERSTON NORTH

Palmerston North is also pretty dismal. At least in Wellington, the campus is like, close-ish to town. Palmy my darling, you’re out in the middle of the fucking countryside.

It’s like Pride and Prejudice, but at least they had decent FEATURES

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sandwiches. Once again, sushi is a painstaking walk away, almost a 40-minute walk just to sniff the underboob of a Californian roll.

TReat is the go-to food hall, although the option is pretty ignored by students. One student, Sam, says “there’s a lack of fresh options. All the food is basically just greasy and fatty, and it makes me feel gross.” After witnessing a Sweet Chilli Schnitzel left under a heat lamp for hours, I can attest to this. Really? Sweet Chilli AND Schnitzel?

The MUSA shop is where students tend to buy shit, from bananas to crackers. Again, it’s not much, but at least it’s beating Wellington in that department.

There’s no alcohol for sale on campus whatsoever, which sucks. Catching a bus just to grab a beer, now there’s a sad sight. Another student, Mary, says “I sometimes just skip lectures altogether to avoid going in to campus, because I know once I get there, I’ll be hungry and miserable. Why bother paying good money for reheated oven chips when I can make a mean fry-up at home and be comfortable in bed?” Now there’s the million-dollar question.

ALBANY

Albany has options, sure, but the food ranges from pricey to questionable.

Food for Thought is oily, repetitive and just not a cute vibe. Bad font choices really ruin everything, huh. Have people never heard of Times New Roman?

I don’t know why every Massey cafe needs to have décor that’s simultaneously reminiscent of a prison crossed with a 1970s hospital.

I’m depressed enough without bad wall art and linoleum floors, thanks. I also don’t know why cafes with food puns seem to reign supreme. There’s TReat at Manawatū, Food for Thought at Albany, whose thinking of these names?? What sick bastard is behind all this, huh. I want to meet them, neg them, then probably roll a fat joint and see what other terrible names they can come up with. Maybe at some point we lean in for a kiss, who knows.

Scholars is another example of bad font, bad décor and an even worse name. We’re at Massey, not Oxford University okay, must we really pretend to be scholars? The food at Scholars is decent, but you’re paying

for what you get. Whilst an eggs benedict in Wellington will set you back $9, at Scholars it’s edging closer to the $20 mark. Campus kebab and sushi lounge keep it real and easy, I’m not going to badmouth these fine establishments.

we all know it. We need to be more vulnerable and open with one another.

Times are hard.

One student, Kaiya, says “I barely eat at campus, just because I’ve tried it all and it’s, well, meh. In a time where food is getting more interesting and exciting, Massey is just way behind the curve.”

Despite all the shit, there is hope.

Manawatū recently started allowing food trucks on campus, such as Dos Locos Taco, to student acclaim. This operation is controlled by Compass Catering, who I never thought I’d be grateful towards, but here we are.

With the return of Browse Café, things might start looking up for Albany. Not to mention the new and improved Browse is set to start stocking Starbucks. Sure, it’s a corporate chain, but honestly, I trust that over some weird catering company any day. Let’s just not talk about Unimart (rest in peace you angel).

VENDING MACHINES

If you’re sick of the options offered, or sick of waiting in line for a sloppy bean burrito, then the only other course of action is the vending machines.

They’re not cheap, but worst of all, they’re not filling. Sure, a chocolate bar or a packet of chips are fun study snacks, but they’re not lunch and we all know it. Next!

The vending machines were all changed this year, and to plenty of complaints. Massey Confessions had a field day with this one.

A university spokesperson said that, late last year, Massey conducted a tender process for the supply of vending machines (I had to google what that meant, but basically companies just placed bids on their right to spoon-feed us Diet Coke).

The lucky guy was Choice, who “commenced provision” (lol) at the start of this year and who, according to Massey, “will ensure greater diversity in the products offered through their machines as well as the ability for us to increase the range of healthy food & beverage options made available”.

Sure, there’s more beverages, I’ll give them that, but healthy food options are still pretty low on the ground. I’m not saying I necessarily want healthy food options, I’m not a complete freak, but, well, I don’t know. I just miss the old Cookie Time cookies, okay?

Mrs Higgins just isn’t the same, and

FOOD TRUCKS

A university spokesperson said that they’re not aware of any plans for food trucks in Albany, and have no current plans for the Wellington campus as “we are not currently aware of any student feedback in this area”. They note, “if there was a proven desire for food trucks to be part of the offering then Massey could look into a managed programme of food trucks for this e.g., agreement on frequency, number of operators, dates, timings etc.”

However, several Massey student executive staff claim that attempts at inviting food trucks onto the campus have been blocked by Tussock. One staff member said, “Based on previous conversations with the university and Tussock, MAWSA was under the impression that Tussock would not allow any food trucks on campus expect for O-Week.”

Denis Jenkins, the National Manager for Hospitality at Massey, says, “Any previous decisions regarding food trucks would/could have been made in relation to the economic impact due to frequency and similarity of product.”

He says that a “managed programme” of food trucks “could well add value to the ‘culture’ on the Wellington Campus”. So basically, fellow students, if you want food trucks or other food services, make your voices fucking heard. Fill out those student surveys, complain to the University, let your stomachs rumble loudly in these hallowed halls.

Overall, food is important. You can spend a full day studying in the library or at lectures, and feel nourished, supported. Good food helps mentally and physically, and I know I sound like a shitty ad right now, but it’s true.

You can catch up with friends in the local cafe, buy some delicious hot food from a food truck vendor, grab some cheap pints at a uni bar. Food builds community. If Massey wants to foster a better environment, they can start here.

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MASSIVE

WORDS BY LIV REDMAN

WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED W I T H THAT CANNABIS REFERENDUM? WORDS BY LIV REDMAN

MASSIVE TALKS TO CHLÖE SWARBRICK ABOUT WHAT WENT WRONG AND WHAT HAPPENS NEXT. They say that the grass is greener on the other side and, in October of last year, New Zealanders were given the chance to find out for themselves. But to the dismay of the rest, 50.7% of the voting population said yeah, nah. The cannabis referendum was, quite frankly, a shit show. Misinformation flooded social media, the Prime Minister refused to take sides, and

many conveniently forgot about existence of weed under the status quo.

Massive sat down to talk with Green party member Chlöe Swarbrick to expand on what went wrong here and what the fuck happens now?

To all those that feel disgruntled, the question lingers: will there be another chance to change

our weed laws? Chlöe says, “I don’t think there will be another referendum, I’ve been pretty clear about my position in the beginning which is that this shouldn’t have gone to referendum... The biggest petition that has ever been tabled in parliament, was half a million New Zealanders in the 1980s, asking for homosexuality to stay a criminal offence.”

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“Everybody, even those who were opposed to legalization said it shouldn’t be a criminal issue, so now it’s time for them to put their money where their mouth is,”

Given the disappointing result of the referendum, Chlöe is working to try to create a regime that will, at the very least, decriminalise cannabis.

“Everybody, even those who were opposed to legalisation said it shouldn’t be a criminal issue, so now it’s time for them to put their money where their mouth is,” she says.

opposed to the status quo,” Chlöe notes. “When people don’t have time to read a proposed 160page draft law, which is what people were voting on - and I doubt the majority of New Zealanders’ read that - they look to people who they would usually trust to tell them whether this is the right or the wrong thing to do.”

“I could tell you for a fact that there are by far a majority of parliamentarians in our 120 membered parliament who hold those opinions but, for fear of controversy or whatever else, will never say these things publicly… [They] have used cannabis, they’ve smoked weed, and they’re on record admitting to that. They haven’t gone to prison, but [they] still oversee a law that generalises and prosecutes people for doing the same thing that they did.

Chlöe is advocating for pro public health, which she explained was a difficult thing to advocate for when people were more concerned about the presence cannabis may have if legalised. In regard to public health, those who need CBD for medicinal reasons were the people that the referendum results let down the most.

“I guess that blatant hypocrisy, amongst other things, is what really makes me mad,” she concludes.

Chlöe is one of the very few politicians who has been transparent with their thoughts towards cannabis. At this crucial time, Kiwis were left without voices from other prominent leaders.

“Interestingly, there was actually a huge amount of information that was produced by the Prime Minister’s Chief Science Advisor which really got into the detail on what a public health approach would look like and how it would be beneficial as

Jamie*, who suffers from severe chronic pain due to endometriosis, voiced that getting free, legal and accessible CBD would be lifechanging.

However, the current flaw in the law only allows them to get their regular cannabis from the black market or from the street. The concern here is that this sourcing of cannabis isn’t regulated, making it hard to know what other substances it has been mixed with and how much CBD is in it.

Jamie says, “Having a cone or eating some weed oil is the only medicine that helps my endometriosis symptoms without the multitudes of side effects that pharmaceutical prescriptions have. I have already been supplied with an opioid addiction via the public hospitals. I don’t want FEATURES

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to take pills upon pills for pain when a simple and common plant is available.”

“The illegality of it weighs on me - I struggle between codeine dependence, buying weed illegally, and suffering indefinitely. My GP refuses to give me a CBD clinic referral, and besides, I can’t afford the $200+ a month prescription.” As they succinctly summarise, “It’s fucked either way. I’m fucked either way.”

These companies had been gearing up for the bill to pass. However, since the results, there hasn’t been much said about what has happened to them. “My understanding is that those people are obviously just having to figure out how they’re going to operate within the black letter of the law, it’s basically just a lost opportunity,” Chlöe says.

It’s not just politicians that struggle to pick a side as to where they sit with

On the other cheek, it seems as though there wasn’t much clarity surfaced by the government regarding what the referendum was actually about.

“This debate wasn’t meant to be about whether you like, use, or support cannabis, the referendum was about what kind of approach do we want to have to something that exists,” says Chlöe. “A lot of people think that when something is illegal, it’s out of sight, out of mind.”

“I guess that blatant hypocrisy amongst other things, is what really makes me mad”

Communications student Robyn, questioned the logical thinking of voters that backed the End of Life Choice bill but not the cannabis one.

“I’m not against euthanasia, but why was euthanasia passed and cannabis wasn’t?” She goes on to say, “Wouldn’t you think to legalise the last potential drug to relieve someone of pain before legalizing them to have an assisted death? I just don’t understand this logic.”

During the three-part informative series ‘On Weed’ that ran on Three prior to the referendum, journalist Patrick Gower explored the current Kiwi businesses with legal medicinal cannabis licenses.

cannabis legalisation. Last year’s MAWSA Executive voted to have a ‘neutral stance’ on the matter. President of MAWSA, Tessa Guest, says that “The thinking was that although many students would be in support, and although most of the executives were in support, we didn’t want to take a stance that didn’t reflect the opinions of other students, and we didn’t have any gauge on how many students that might entail.”

The young Green MP believes that moral panic can be whipped up in the general public when people don’t necessarily have all of the facts in front of them, which is a huge gap to have in a democracy. Although the referendum was a lost opportunity, Chlöe remains positive towards there being a future opportunity for change to the law, “which I would hope the intellectual and moral integrity of politicians would be called to task on”.

“We need to treat this genuinely as a public health issue as opposed to a criminal issue.”

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DISMANTLING Sexual Violence ELLIE FRANCO WILLIAMS FARRAR Words

Illustrations

by

TALLULAH

by

CW: Sexual violence and rape

33-year-old Sarah Everard was kidnapped and murdered by a serving Metropolitan Police officer as she walked home alone at night wearing headphones in South East London last month. In the same week her body was found, we celebratetd International Women’s Day and UK Mother’s Day whilst the internet and media imploded with retaliation against women voicing their truths; notice Meghan Markle’s interview with Oprah, and The Guardian’s statement that 97% of women aged 18-24 in the UK having been sexually harassed. Male officers restrained and intimidated women attending a peaceful vigil in memory of Sarah Everard’s murder and demonstrated just what that abuse of power resembles. #NotAllMen has been trending on Twitter.

Wellington women took to the streets at #LetUsLive: Rally for a City Free From Sexual Violence, after increasing issues of sexual violence and assault in the Capital. Put simply, it’s been a cataclysmic couple of weeks to be a woman.

But also, not really. Every day as a woman is another day we might be told we’re ‘too sensitive’, maybe followed home, perhaps groped on a busy bus, possibly beaten by our partners, raped by someone we know, or even killed. Violence against women is not news.

‘critical component of all violence against women is that perpetrators exercise power and control over their victims through fear. It is fear that often distinguishes men’s violence against women from women’s violence against men.’

Violence and harassment of women go hand-in-hand. The absence of physical touch does not remove the emotional stains on the hearts and minds of women alike at the glares, words, and hands of a man abusing his power.

NZ’s statistics show that 1 in 3 women experience physical and/or sexual violence in their lifetime and 76% of reported assaults against women are perpetrators in the family. On top of

The New Zealand Government’s Manatū Wāhine website states the

this, Māori women, solo mothers, unemployed, single women and women with flatmates are at higher risk than other women in Aotearoa of partner violence and sexual victimisation. So, why is this?

The power under scrutiny is that of the patriarchy, and how society upholds this in a way that continues to oppress the lives of women internationally.

The problem of patriarchy isn’t a question of men vs. women, it’s that men as a whole, are complicit in the oppression of women if they are not actively working on dismantling the power they benefit from.

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The fact that women have been saying for centuries that we’re scared of men as a collective and looked down on, feeling silenced or disbelieved by others shouldn’t make you defensive, boys, it should make you angry. Let’s see about putting that anger to good use.

Green Party MP Jan Logie says “I’m fighting for these experiences to become the aberration that they really are, rather than the normal experience for so many of us as there are at the moment.”

Logie introduced the ‘Thursdays In Black’ campaign to Aotearoa in 1994 as a mark of solidarity with victims of genderbased violence. By working closely with women, Māori, and socio-economically disadvantaged people’s needs at the forefront of her parliamentary agenda, she says she is more hopeful than she has ever been for change.

But what change looks like isn’t a onesize-fits-all method. There is a growing recognition that the Government can’t fix everything, so we need to work together as a community. In order to curb social complicity, the system needs a reboot.

Massive spoke to Sophie Bailey, the National Operations Manager and Facilitator at Empowerment Trust, about the organisation’s primary-prevention methods of education. They use toolkits for children of all ages, families and those living with disabilities to develop the skills they need to protect themselves and avoid harming others in our society “from bullying all the way to sexual violence”.

Bailey explains that part of the organisation’s Kidpower approach builds skills and strategies for creating common language around conflict resolution, boundary-setting and consent. They use positive role-plays and whānau

engagement to uplift these values in young people to prevent people experiencing and perpetuating harm now and throughout their lives.

Bailey also works with Mates & Dates (ACC) which operates in schools to teach young people about consent and preventing sexual and dating violence.

Here, she says she witnesses glimpses of hope and change in years 9-13 students at their “realisation around what makes a healthy relationship, what violence is, or what are some of the dynamics that might happen in unhealthy relationships”.

Being able to shift the perspectives of young people growing up in a world where male entitlement permeates pretty much every layer of our day-today is monumental. If we can take the fear-based lessons out of our curriculum (telling girls to protect themselves, never be alone, holdback on partying as hard as boys) we might actually stand a chance.

Because little of what we’ve been taught about self-protection so far has actually stopped us getting hurt.

“That’s why with young children we focus on the positives and the skills, rather than fear-based material. Because they can learn the skills to be kind, treat others and stay safe,” Bailey says.

Empowerment Trust is just one of many organisations including Toah-Nnest, ACC Mates & Dates, RespectEd, Korowai Tumanako, Te Whāriki Takapou and Whakatu Mauri Trust working to educate and prevent future violence. It’s a hugely positive move for our society. I speak for many when I say it stings to think just how much our own generation and all who came before us would have benefited from educational causes like these. So, for most of us today unlucky enough to miss out on the teachings discussed above, let’s take this outside of the classroom and into the world.

Baby Blue is a London activist whose hard work is rooted in true intersectional feminism and dismantling systemic oppression (Instagram: @justice_ forblacklives). In a perfect sentiment, she says, “Men: Unless you are spending your time actively dismantling the power you benefit from, just know you are sitting comfortably and enjoying the oppression of womxn. Patriarchy has no gender so we should all be asking ourselves: What actions are you unlearning? What books are you reading? How are you, yes you, supporting womxn, trans and non-binary folk? Men: what other men are you calling in?”

Blue also mentions how women can be complicit too. We cause harm through through slut-shaming, white supremacy, fat-shaming and being ‘pick-mes’.

Telling boys and men to “man up” and invalidating their emotions. All of these also feed into an emotionally-avoidant rhetoric that leave men to grow into perpetrators of violence and uphold patriarchal oppression.

Women aren’t the only ones who need to hold up the ship. I bet this all seems pretty heavy now, doesn’t it boys? Good.

Because there’s a lot of work to be done.

If you or someone you know has been affected by sexual violence, support is available: Rape Crisis – 0800 883 300 (for support after rape or sexual assault) Lifeline – 0800 543 354 (0800 LIFELINE) or free text 4357 (HELP) Safe to Talk- 0800 044 334

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DAVID SEYMOUR Words

by

CAMERON TAYLOR Illustrations

by

TALLULAH

FARRAR

On mullets, spooning Gerry Brownlee, and the best way to open a beer.

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Editor’s Note: These quotes are all 100% real, as weird as they are. Massive doesn’t endorse David’s platform, hence why we just gave him shit-posting questions and called it a day. Better we distract him than let him run off to NZ Herald where they, God forbid, let him talk about politics.

You’ve probably all seen David Seymour’s grin in the media.

Leader of the ACT party in Parliament and MP for Epsom, his name is widely known in the political field. In the last couple of weeks, David began his ‘Campus Freedom Tour’ around numerous university campuses in New Zealand. His purpose for this tour is stated as to “show the only way to live healthier, wealthier lives is to embrace free markets, free minds, and personal freedom”. Lol. Anyway, whilst on the Manawatū campus for Massey, Massive decided to have a wee yarn with the man, the myth, the legend.

seedy?” when he asked about people his age being in town, which I had to agree with. Upon discussing lockdown hobbies, David wondered “is it too late for the sourdough thing?”, seeing as in the last lockdown he was far too busy for any hobbies. “I’d been putting letters in people’s mailboxes for six years saying ‘if you ever have a problem, give me a call’ and they all did.” You might have to be pretty fucking desperate to give David a call, but lockdown will make people do anything.

Now, David’s view on mullets was definitely one that I’d never heard before. He believed everyone should have a mullet once.

“It’s about empathy. So, a lot of people don’t have empathy for mullet wearers. And I feel that if everyone had one at some point of their life, then they’d know like ‘I’ve been there’ or ‘I will be there at some point in my life’ and I think just a lot more love would break out, if everyone were obliged to have one. I think mullets should be something everyone does once.”

Politically? David Seymour and I aren’t exactly on the same page. But emotionally? The chemistry was unreal. As soon as I got the call from a random number and heard his voice on the other end asking where to find me, I knew this was the start of something beautiful. Yup, I have Daddy Seymour’s number in my phone, what a flex.

When I told him my eight-year-old brother has a mullet, David said “it’ll make him a kinder person”. I’m from Gore. Some of the mullet-wearers down there are the nastiest bunch I’ve ever met. It’s hard to believe that hairstyle will make someone kinder, but okay David, pop off.

We kicked it off with some pretty casual convo, just introducing him to the magazine and such, which he responded, “At least 60% of your messages are about drugs.” But, alas, he did not seem impressed. I wasn’t interested in getting heated over marijuana (make it legal though), so I diverted quickly to David’s favourite topic: himself.

I ended our chat with the classic game of “Kiss, Marry, Kill”, choosing a fine selection of political figures within New Zealand: Gerry Brownlee, Ashley Bloomfield, and James Shaw. I was gonna go shag, but after a warning from my editor that David can be unbearably awkward, I decided I simply did not have the emotional capacity to deal with that.

Now, there’s much more to David than you may think. He might look like he’s all suit and tie, but he knows how to get his hands dirty. If he wasn’t in politics, he’d “probably be wiring pumping stations in the outback of Australia”’ as a qualified electrical engineer. Not gonna lie, I would not have pegged David for the tradie type. He also said his hidden talent used to be opening beers with a fish slice (spatula, for all you normal people), telling me, “You could just show up to parties with a fish slice in your back pocket, and it just added a super amount of randomness.” A man who knows what to do with his hands. Kinda hot.

He’s not just good with his hands, but his feet proved him to be an excellent mover on Dancing with the Stars in 2018. I couldn’t resist bringing up the topic fairly quickly, earning a glance from David to his watch and sighing “nine minutes in”, followed by an awkward laugh. However, he did say that while he wouldn’t return, it was a great experience. “I probably wouldn’t do it again, it happened at a time and place, but what it showed me was a really positive side of New Zealand. So, here’s this guy, clearly can’t dance, is completely hopeless at the task, but never gives up and keeps giving it a go, and something about that captured a lot of hearts and minds.” He also offered to be my mentor if I ever got offered to go on the show, which tbh I don’t think I’d need. I won best dancer at my Year 10 social for a reason.

Like I said, me and David had instant chemistry. It wasn’t hard to get him talking about a bunch of random shit. I got disappointed when he said he wasn’t exploring the student culture in Palmy due to being 37 and feeling “a little bit old”. He did however make an excellent point, saying “How do you feel, like is it a bit

Firstly, he chose Gerry for the kiss for a number of reasons, such as “he’d be great for a cuddle” and “I don’t think you could kill him”. I would genuinely pay to watch a livestream of Gerry and David snuggling. Lowkey would be kinda cute. Ashley Bloomfield was the choice to marry, which I wholeheartedly agreed with cos he’s 100% husband material. However, David said he would marry him because his shirts are always perfectly ironed; “he’s a drycleaner’s dream”. Nothing turns someone on more than a crisply ironed shirt.

And of course, that leaves James Shaw for the kill. David Seymour, wanting to kill the Green MP? How surprising. David was pretty nonchalant about the choice, claiming that James Shaw has already made it and “he’d die happy, he’s got the Zero Carbon Act”. David ended the chat with possibly my favourite quote out of the whole interview. “He’s fucked the economy, that’s all the Green MP needs to do and he’s done it.” Oh David, you say the darndest things, you cheeky thing. Problematic, sure, but let’s gloss over that for the sake of everyone’s sanity.

The interview revealed a lot about David that I would never have guessed: qualified engineer, can open beers with a fish slice, is a huge fan of mullets. Sounds like the typical tradie my mates would froth over on Tinder. Although I started off with extreme nervousness thinking it was gonna be clumsy small talk for half an hour, I walked away satisfied to know David on such an intimate level. Not only did I now have his phone number, but he also said I could claim he’s my cousin since we’re both from Ngāpuhi. I’d rather him be my daddy, but I guess my cousin is good enough.

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MASSEY CONFESSIONS CALLED THE BAND COMING TO CAMPUS THE “BIGGEST MASSEY NEWS SINCE DAVID SEYMOUR WAS UNBANNED FROM CAMPUS”. MASSIVE CALLED THEIR EP A FUCKING MASTERPIECE. DARTZ IS A WELLINGTON PUNK-ROCK BAND THAT SERVES UP STUDENT REALNESS, FROM SONGS ABOUT BATH SALTS TO SHITTY FLATS AND CAPTAIN COOK BEING A “WIG-WEARING CUCK”.

After the fuckfest of 2020 cancelled their first planned visit last year, DARTZ finally got to play at Massey; their first few gigs in Palmerston North. So, between their two performances, Massive sat them down in Radio Control’s recording room for a chat, a cold one, and to learn where DARTZ came from and how their first show could have been their last.

The band formed in 2019 as an opener for the smokoloving, mullet-toting Australian Punk band, The Chats. Singer Danz had grown up with their guitarist Crispy in Auckland and described the lead up to the band’s inception. “We messed around with music a little bit in Auckland and then we decided to move (to Wellington) and we got an opportunity from an old friend to open for The Chats and were like, let’s just make the most Australian Punk band possible.”

From there, the question of “who would we want to see opening for The Chats” prompted the name DARTZ, and it stuck. Missing a drummer and bassist, they started looking around. Rollyz joined the band after having worked alongside Crispy at a Cafe for some time.

“We knew Rollyz was a drummer, we didn’t realise how good so the poor guy got dragged into the worst idea possible even though he was very talented,” Danz remarks.

Clark was the last to join the band with a reputation that preceded him. “He was apparently just one of the tightest rhythmic people in Wellington, and he was actually playing shaker at the time, he doesn’t get much shaker action anymore in DARTZ,” Crispy laughs.

With Danz on vocals and Crispy on guitar, DARTZ as we know it was formed.

Taking it right back to their formative show, it becomes clear the band was very close to being a one-off gig. “The story for the first one is such a great one because we had essentially made DARTZ two weeks beforehand,” Danz says. “We had our first practice and wrote the first song two and a half weeks before the gig,” Crispy interrupts. “The soundcheck was fucking awful,” Danz deadpans.

“Me and [Crispy] had just moved to Wellington and were like, we are about to embarrass ourselves in front of a sold-out audience.” So naturally, the band did what any student would do: get outrageously drunk. God bless. “I think because we thought we were gonna fuck up, there was like nothing to lose,” Danz says. “But we did it, and we all went NUTS... the whole crowd was in on the first song... our levels just went up.” To cap off the fairytale performance, “People were buying us drinks, giving us weed,” Dan laughs.

The band admits that DARTZ was meant to be a “a one-off for that gig and definitely would have been based off our reception to the soundcheck so we wouldn’t be here if that gig had not gone [well]”. But thank God they’re still around and kicking. In the time since that first show, DARTZ have been playing and touring New Zealand fairly regularly with plans to potentially redo their ‘Crate Day Gigathon’ this year “bigger and better”.

DARTZ are really the ultimate student mood. With lyrics like “Caught you struggling to cut line of MD/ So I help with my expired student ID/ We’re chewing out our faces and looking super faded/ Let’s go out for a smoke and try to get hydrated.” What’s not to love? They’re a love letter to getting fucked up with your mates, through good times and bad. So go forth, get fucked up with your mates, and listen to some DARTZ. Amen.

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BEN NEWTON(IN PARTNERSHIP WITH RADIO CONTROL) PHOTOGRAPHY BY VANESSA CONE & BEN NEWTON INTERVIEW BY

“WE HAD OUR FIRST PRACTICE AND WROTE THE FIRST SONG TWO AND A HALF WEEKS BEFORE THE GIG... THE SOUNDHECK WAS FUCKING AWFUL”

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CULINARYLINGUS

THE PERFECT WHITE RICE PREP TIME: 2 MINUTES

COOK TIME: 15 MINUTES

MAKES: 2 SERVINGS

Chawal, chol, nasi, bhaat, bái fàn, kanin. Rice is almost universal. I grew up in India, I ate that delectable grain every single day. When I moved back to New Zealand for high school, I was absolutely fucked up by the rice ya’ll serve up here. I mean, it’s always either way overcooked by zealous fools, or ridiculously undercooked to the point where it’s gritty and just nasty. Enough is enough, I’m gonna provide you with a fail-safe recipe. I bang this bad boy out every time a friend suggests getting Indian for dinner. I swear to god, if one more person serves me up mushy shit one more time, I will lose my mind. Trust me, your brown friends will actually enjoy this rice.

INGREDIENTS: 1 cup white rice (my tried and tested is Basmati) 2 cups water 1/8 teaspoon table salt HOW TO MAKE DECENT RICE: Put one measured cup of white rice in a sieve and run cold tap water over the rice till the water runs clear. This is to wash off starch and dirt, and personally I think it makes the rice taste better.

Pour two cups of cold water into a pot and add the rice and salt.

Give it a lil stir then turn the hob on.

Bring to the boil and watch that baby sizzle.

When it reaches boiling, turn

WHAT YOU NEED: Flat bottomed pot and lid Fork Sieve

down to medium heat, chuck a lid on it.

Set a timer for 4 minutes, watch the pot so it doesn’t boil over.

If it starts to bubble over, turn the heat down just a lil more.

Your time will go off, then reduce to simmer and chuck a lid on.

Cook for 10 more minutes.

Fluff the rice with a fork.

Now, I dunno about your stove but gas cooks quicker than electric elements. If it looks watery then keep it on the lowest heat, but if it’s mostly

dry then turn the heat off but leave it on the hot stovetop.

Put the lid on again for another 5 minutes. This helps the steam from the rice move or sumthing so it cooks evenly.

Serve w whatever you want.

Maybe some leftover butter chicken for you freshers, or with some dahl for my desi friends. My personal fave is a spoonful of margarine and a bit of salt. For something sweet, there’s nothing better than stirring in some milk and sugar for a cheeky midnight dessert.

By Rimu Bhooi COLUMNS

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S

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GETTIN

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SWEATY

A few years ago, me and six mates all put our courserelated costs and summer savings on a week-long trip to Thailand. It was great. We took a boat down the floating market, climbed an abandoned skyscraper and had the best food of our lives. But I know you’re not reading this to hear about the sight-seeing. One of my mates, Nick, he was the newest member of the friend group you see, so we hadn’t had time to friend-zone each other yet. And well, he wasn’t just fit as hell he was also like, the sweetest fucking guy I’d ever met. I had had my eye on him from before we’d even booked the trip, but I told myself not to make a move because ya know, don’t screw the crew and all that.

One night was all it took for me to break that promise.

We were out for dinner just around the corner from our hostel. I was sitting next to him at the table and everyone had had a few Singha’s. I could smell him, I guess it was a mixture of cologne and sweat, but he smelt like pure sex. I took a risk and put my hand on his muscular thigh. When he made no movement to stop me, I slowly slid it up under his shorts towards his crotch. He turned his head towards me and gave me a look that just said “it’s on.”

P A

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ABRAOD

would work. “I’ll go back with you,” he said, casually. That was almost too easy. Then a voice came from the other end of the table, “I left my camera there, so I’ll come too.”

Shit. It was my best mate, Lucy. I was absolutely fuming.

But what could I say? The three of us walked back together, with none of us making eye contact. Just as we arrived back to our hostel room, I noticed that Lucy’s camera was sticking out from the corner of the bag she’d been carrying. “Your camera’s right there you egg,” I yell, pointing furiously. “I know.” She said, winking back at me.

“You guys didn’t think you could have all the fun without including me, did you?” she said, grinning. I stared at her, mouth agape, while Nick just shrugged.

What happened next, I’ll leave up to your imagination, but it ended with the three of us hurrying back to the restaurant a lot sweatier than when we had left it.

Got a confession, a naughty tale, a sexy story?

Email sexcapades@massivemagazine.org.nz to submit yours xoxox

“Fuck, I think I left my wallet back at the hostel,” I announced to the table. It was a pathetic lie, but I knew it COLUMNS

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H A

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W U L

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T

O

SCRAPING THROUGH ON STUDYLINK

Words by Liam McGuire

your account.

Buckle up kids, you’re out of halls and paying real rent now. Let’s take a look at that bank account and look into the best way to scrape through on a student budget.

You’ve got no job, no savings, and only course costs to dig your ass out of the dirt, if you haven’t already spent it on an ounce or two…

THEN: FOOD

FIRST: BITTA MATHS. Your max student loan amount per week is currently sitting at $228.81, and let’s be real you’re taking that whole amount out every week. Thankfully, those helpful landlords know we’d go wild with too much pocket money and have kindly taken most of it off your hands. Let me guess, rent is $180 per person, per week, minimum. Flat bills usually crops up around the $20 mark, so of your $228.81, $200 or so goes straight into keeping a roof over your head. So, you’ve now got $28.81 left, 12.6% of what you started with. We can make that work… right?

NEXT: THE ESSENTIALS Think as hard as you can, what can’t you live without every week? More than anything else, what do you require for your survival? That’s right, a tinnie. Take off another $20, and smoke away the sadness of the measly $8.81 left in

Between $1.20 white bread and the $6.60 multipack of noodles you’ll absolutely thrive in the culinary side of your life. Eating hearty and eating good. But now you’ve got everything covered that you could possibly need, how on earth will you figure out what to spend your remaining $1.01 on?

FINALLY: REMEMBER The smoke cloud dissipates as your heart sinks a little, “Fuck I forgot about the bus fare!” No worries, just email your lecturer and say you’re sick, watch them know they can’t tell you to come in anyway with a pandemic on the loose, sorted.

If you can’t survive on a student budget, grow up! Enjoy your butter-less bread and unheated mouldy home that’s taking almost 90% of your weekly income. Better yet, get a job lazy! They wouldn’t call it full time study if you weren’t meant to fit part time work on top of it… At least that’s what my dad tells me.

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SNIP, SNOP, SNAP SEND US YOUR SNAPS TO GET FEATURED IN NEXT WEEK’S EDITION @MASSIVE_MAG

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President’s Columns

MAWSA: TESSA GUEST Welcome back whānau! Hope you rested well. It’s Sustainability Week here at the Welly campus! We’ve got doggos, mending & beeswax wrap sessions, a market and Greens MPs coming - what better way to celebrate the Earth and think about better ways to care for it. Our Academic Officer Phoebe will also be hosting a kōrero on MONDAY for any student or lecturer to speak honestly about the good, the bad and the ugly of academic life at our campus. Free sushi - catch ya there. Plenty more going in the MAWSA sphere, drop us a line if you wanna get in on the action!

ASA: BEN AUSTIN I hope everyone has had a well-deserved break from uni.

We here at the ASA have been working hard to plan some much needed campus life for this next half semester.

The now three times moved Clubs Day WILL be happening on the 21st of April (This Wednesday) at Student Central from 12-2pm. Make sure to come down and find some clubs that are right for you (THERE WILL BE FREE STUFF!!!)

I am also very excited to Introduce our new ASA’s Campus Culture Coordinator, Tee. Feel free to come up to the ASA and give Tee the Albany welcome.

M@D: JACALYN CLARE AND JAX WATT

MUSA: FATIMA IMRAN Salut everyone! I hope you had an enjoyable break and that you took the time to relax as well as catch up on any unfinished work. We’re now into the second half of this semester which means assessments will come flooding in.

It is easier said than done but finding the balance between studies and leisure time is that much more important from now on. I hope all of those applying for vet did well in the STAT-F and Casper tests. I would also like to say Ramadan Mubarak to those fasting along with myself for, in my opinion, the best month of the year. Hope to see you all around on campus to help finish off a great first semester of 2021!

Last week’s Massive issue had a major focus on drugs.

It featured stories about bath salts, recipes on weed brownies, and even an article about drug testing. But where was the authentic harm reduction narrative? Yes, technically the act of drug testing is an amazing service that charities such as ‘Know your stuff’ offer at events- to offer people enough information to make informed choices about their drug use, but no explanation was given on why this is effective, why harm reduction is important, nor were any helplines or other avenues of information and help explicitly offered anywhere throughout this issue. Anyone who has studied in this field will have felt the red flag raise upon reading last week’s Massive issue.

M@D wanted to ensure the right information about safety around drug use was also being circulated.

Needle exchange: nznep.org.nz/ Know your stuff: knowyourstuff.nz/ Drug help: drughelp.org.nz Alcohol and drug helpline: 0800 787 797 (or text 8681) Maori alcohol and drug helpline: 0800 787 798 Pasifika alcohol and drug helpline: 0800 787 799

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puzzles CROSSWORD

04/13/2021

7

9

5

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2.

5

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QUICK QUIZ

8. It holds cigarette debris (3, 4) 11. A greeting for when a sup nod or handshake just won’t do (3) 13. Spanish word for unmarried woman (8) 15. The lair or shelter of a wild animal (3) 16. Food staple that always gets fucking stuck to the bottom of the fucking pan (4) 18. It’s got layers (5) 19. Te reo Māori for ‘love’ (5) 20. Greatest of all time (4)

1

8

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3

4

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4

2

6

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How many teeth does an adult human have?

Complete the WAP6 song lyric: “Swipe your 5 4 nose like a credit 4 card/ Hop on 7 top,1I wanna Printable Sudoku - Easy - 04/13/2021 13/04/21, 4:14 PM ride/_______” 7 Dancing, what is Baby’s 8 first name?

1 2 4 3. In Dirty 4. Which animal is pictured on a bottle or can of DB Draught? Bonus point if you guess the 2 5 6 5 4 number of animals.

5. What8colour is6 a giraffe’s 1 tongue?

7 6

QUIZ ANSWERS:

1

DOWN 1. A seriously impressive middle-sized reptile. Honestly, how does this animal even exist? (9) 2. Imaginary line around earth (7) 3. What Australians ride to get from A to B (8) 4. Opposition to all forms of authoritarian organ­isation and hierarchy (7) 6. Bread shop (6) 7. Where artists hang out before 3 after a show (5, 4) and

13/04/21, 4:14 PM

Sudoku - Hard 6

12. Used to whip cream and get high (5) 14 Someone who watches Doctor Who (4) 17. The currency of Germany (4) 19. “My ____ don’t want none unless you got buns, hun” (8) 21. This layer is a region of Earth’s stratosphere that absorbs most of the Sun’s ultraviolet radiation (5) 22. The holy grail of leftovers (4, 5) 23.Those who do not know the correct way to order their subway will ask for it “_____” (7) 24. Karen would like to speak to your “ ___ “ (7)

1. 32 2: I do a kegel while it’s inside 3. Frances 4. 2 Horses! Technically you’re the third animal, you filthy DB drinker. 5: Black

Printable Sudoku - Hard - 04/13/2021

ACROSS 1. After you say this during a game of chess, your oppornent crumbles into a pathetic heap, and you immediately become the coolest person in the room (9) 5. The music from this 70s Swedish pop group still goes hard in 2021 (4) 9. Great film starring Lindsay Lohan and written by Tina Fey (4, 5) 10. A parting phrase used mainly by cool kids (5) 11. Thin piece of tissue that surrounds the opening of the vagina (5)

Sudoku - Easy

SUDOKU Sudoku.cool

8 3 6

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81 7

6

5

4 7

1

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9

2 42 3 5

6

WORD WHEEL

04/13/2021

8 1

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1

3 71

69

1 89 5

https://sudoku.cool/sudoku/printable-hard-sudoku.php

7

3

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31 9

1

14

4 38 9 4

7

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4 1

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Hard

3 92 7 1

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2 4

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The target is to create as many words of 4 letters or more, using the letters once only and always including the letter in the middle of the wheel.

7 8

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4 1

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A T 8

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Page 1 of 4

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4-letter words: 10 5-letter words: 6

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I Y

P 6-letter words: 4 9-letter words: 1

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horoscopes Aquarius:

Aries:

Go into university sometime. Your lecturers are concerned. Maybe even wear a nametag, just so they know who you are.

Stop drinking energy drinks. I beg you.

You’re so close to shitting yourself, and you don’t even know it. It’s gonna be in your favourite pants. Sometimes knowing the future is horrifying.

Cancer:

Capricorn:

Stop being so horny, it’s getting weird. Sure, your flatmates dad is hot, but he also has a secret past. Keep your shirt on, best let sleeping dogs lie.

Take some cute pictures, I guarantee you’ll get a new DP out of it. Or at the very least, a cover photo. Don’t be shy.

Next week is not gonna be a good skin week.

Gemini:

Leo:

That assignment you’re working on?

Fucking leave it. Not worth it. Trust me.

Stop hooning your mates vape. They actually hate it. They’ve been meaning to say something to you about it.

Libra:

Pisces:

Wear tight jeans this week. With that ass, you’d be a fool not to flaunt it.

You’re doing great sweetie. Fucking perfect. I’ll see you next week. Love ya.

Sagittarius:

Scorpio:

Drink lots of water, fucking hell you’re dehydrated. Then take a nap and repeat. God, does a shitty horoscope really have to do your self-care work for you?? Download an app or something babe.

Your crush will tell you that they’ve been sleeping their ex. Catch flights, not feelings. Consider a day trip to Hamilton.

Taurus:

Virgo:

Shoplifting will be on your mind this week. Don’t ignore your natural urges. Just remember, it’s not theft if it’s from big corporations.

You’re gonna come into some money this week. Cha-ching! You’ll blow it on a night out almost immediately, and you won’t remember a thing. But you’ll be pretty sure that black-out you had a mean time.

COLUMNS

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