Massive Magazine Issue 08 2021 by Massive Magazine

MASSIVE

ISSUE 08

THE DEFINITIVE TOILET PAPER REVIEW

APRIL 26/2021

Table of Contents 06

News

How to do a Yardie

The Toilet Paper Review

International Students

Mental Health Wait Times

Tatt-Chat

Shit landlords don’t want you to know

Sexual Awakeninig

Yellow Wiggle Goss

Culinarylingus

Sexcapades

How to Adult

36/37

Snap/Exec

Puzzles

Horoscopes

22 16

EDITOR Caroline Moratti SUB EDITOR Jamie Mactaggart CULTURE EDITOR Liv Redman NEWS EDITOR James Pocock STAFF WRITERS Cameron Taylor, Elena McIntyre-Reet, Rimu Bhooi, Liam McGuire, Ari Prakash DESIGNER Micah Davis-Rae

PHOTOGRAPHERS Callum Parsons @callumoparsons.nz Liam McGuire

Got a letter to the Editor? Email e d i t o r @ m a s s i v e m a g a z i n e. org.nz to rant, flirt, complain, whatever x

ILLUSTRATOR Tallulah Farrar @tallulahfarrar

Massive is registered under the New Zealand Press Council which allows our reader to reach out to an independent forum for resolving complaints you may have.

CONTRIBUTORS Ben Schmidt CONTACT

editor@massivemagazine.org.nz Facebook/massive.magazine Instagram/massivemagazine www.massivemagazine.org.nz

Massive is also a member of the Aotearoa Student Press Association.

READ ONLINE issu.com/massivemagazine

The views, beliefs and opinions reflected in the pages of Massive do not necessarily

represent those of Massey University, its staff, ASA, MUSA, MAWSA, M@D or the Massive Editor. MAWSA is an independent organisation that publishes Massive. Send any queries or complaints directly to Massive at editor@ m a s s i v e m a g a z i n e. o r g. n z . Massive is subject to the New Zealand Press Council. If a complainant is not satisfied with the response from W, the complaint may be referred to the Press Council: info@ presscouncil.org.nz or online via presscouncil.org.nz.

Editorial

SEASONAL AFFECTIVE DISORDER IS KICKING MY ASS EMAIL EDITOR@MAGAZINE.ORG.NZ TO HAVE YOUR SAY

It’s dark outside when I wake up, it’s getting dark when I walk home from uni. And man, I am not fucking handling it. It’s only April! It’s not even winter yet. I am begging someone, anyone, to give me some sunlight and serotonin. For those who don’t know the term, Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD) is a type of depression that occurs, typically, in winter. The lack of light brings fatigue, exhaustion and just general social withdraw. For me, it means wallowing in my own filth, barely leaving the bed, and being on uncomfortably good terms with my local UberEats driver. I know what you’re gonna ask, and the answer is yes - I’m single, boys! Come and get it. For context, I was diagnosed with depression about three years ago, but I’m doing better and I’ve been off my meds for a bit now. However, come every winter, I immediately want to crawl inside a hole, sleep, eat berries and generally not reappear to society until a good two or three months later. Bears really have their shit sorted. Also, they’re kinda hot (don’t judge me). With this change in the seasons, I’ve been thinking more and more about mental health. Basically, we want to cover it more. And we will. Liam McGuire did a really great piece this week about Massey graduate students struggling with the public mental health system, especially with waiting times. As an editor, it’s always a balancing act between highlighting gaps in the system, whilst still encouraging people to use the system. If you need help, please seek it. However, we can’t pretend the system is perfect, and by bringing public attention to problems, sometimes this can stir change. If you’re struggling during this time, you’re not alone. This time of year is cold, even without the majority of students living in shitty, rundown flats. Assignments are building up, and I’m still really busting a ball about the whole getting dark at 5pm thing. Don’t be afraid to talk to friends (I feel like also saying teachers, but maybe that’s just a high school thing. Like would it be weird to talk to your philosophy lecturer about your depressive episodes?? Maybe?). Massey offers Student Health and Counselling Centres on campus, and wellbeing resources online. Don’t be afraid of the stigma around medication and therapy, they’re great tools and worth looking into. As for me? I’ve been online shopping at 3am buying weighted blankets and SAD lamps. Love that for me. I’ll let you know how I get on. Stay safe, stay warm and stay beautiful. We can fucking get through it. I better sign off, my UberEats driver is here. I hope he brings a delicious little snack. x Caroline

LETTERS TO THE EDITOR EMAIL EDITOR@MASSIVEMAGAZINE.ORG.NZ TO HAVE YOUR SAY

Firstly this isn’t a complaint - praise actually. David’s tour is about encouraging equal political discussion in a domain heavily dominated by leftist ideas. You stopped him talking about his political policies, effectively proving him right - well done. But of course that would have required some nuanced thought, and this is Massey University after all.

Two things.

Editors’ response: Sorry, we’re just a hot, filthy bunch of lefties x

Second, RE. your last issue on food on campus. Why the fuck does no one else on the Palmy campus go to Wharerata opposite the psych building?? Are students like lowkey banned from there and i never got the memo??? At least Wharerata makes, with peace and love, a decent fucking coffee. Thank me later x

LOVED your crocs piece. My mates have all been making fun of me for getting a pair, but that article shut them right up. Finally free for my feet to be comfortable AND sexy. Thanks massive.

Firstly, honestly just wanna send my appreciation to everyone involved in this mag. Reading it is possibly the only thing left in my life that makes me genuinely lol since coming back for postgrad.

- Ashley

-Croc lover and proud

FLETCH, VAUGHAN & MEGAN WEEKDAYS 6AM–10AM

90.9FM

MASSIVE NEWS

No smoking shelters on campus by December under Massey’s latest smoke-free procedure No more daily durries after class JAMES POCOCK

NATIONAL NEWS

Massey University has put a date of 1 December, 2021, for the conversion of all smoking shelters on campus to vaping only. Both temporary smoking and vaping locations will still be located on the Manawatū and Albany campuses until 30 November this year. This comes from the latest revisal of Massey’s smoke-free procedure document, which is under review this month. The document says, “From the 1st of December 2021, all temporary smoking and vaping shelters will become vaping

shelters only, and smoking will not be permitted on campus unless otherwise permitted under this procedure.” One vaper told Massive, “I didn’t even know there were temporary smoking and vaping shelters, I just hoon in the bathroom after class lol. Try to stop me, Massey.” Student and staff vapers will feel the impact of the new procedure too, as this is the first step in a process to make Massey campuses completely smoke-free and vape-free by December 2022. “Vaping shelters will be removed from all campuses by the 1st of December 2022 and campuses will be fully smokefree and vape-free, unless otherwise permitted under this procedure,” the document says. Another student says the policy “isn’t surprising, but still a bit of a kick in the teeth. Like I get it, but maybe Massey could provide more support options for quitting. Put out nicotine patches in the free food bins, ya know.”

NEWS

The only exemptions provided for under this procedure are construction workers on site at a Massey campus. The project manager and Massey’s Director of Health, Safety and Wellbeing can grant approval for temporary smoking or vaping shelters for the workers granted they are on-site only and are also a certain distance from other buildings. Those in residential halls who may be smokers are recognized in the document and it is possible for temporary vaping shelters to be provided at safe and accessible locations near residential halls to “support cessation efforts” and allow a move to a “less harmful” alternative to smoking in the meantime. Currently, any person who is found to be smoking or vaping on campus outside of the temporary shelters will be reminded by Massey of the support to quit, including any transitional arrangements which may be available according to the document.

Massey. “The content was substantial and it’s also a subject where you can shitpost pretty much as much possible so long as it’s ‘justifiable’,” he says. God bless our youth. What Massive can confidently conclude from this data is that if your degree does not feature in the top 13 courses, then you can rest easy with the knowledge that you are a super special snowflake, verified by *statistics*.

Massey reviewing free flu shot funding for all students Nice! JAMES POCOCK

NATIONAL NEWS

Most popular Massey courses revealed Despite what your parents told you, your Bachelor of Design just isn’t that special JAMES POCOCK

NATIONAL NEWS

Inquiries by Massive have uncovered which degrees are the most popular to enrol in. The following degrees are ones to avoid for any hipster students seeking that thrill of an empty classroom. But then again, we go to Massey, so even a popular course is still sad-looking, lol. At the top of the list, in no particular order, fell the Bachelor of Business, Bachelor of Arts, Bachelor of Science, Bachelor of Design and the Doctor of Philosophy. The Doctor of Philosophy is one of only two postgraduate programmes in the top 13 courses, the other being the Master of Management. According to a Massey spokesperson, the five largest programmes of study made up 40% of student enrolments. The top 13 made up 60% of enrolments. “In contrast, the 100 qualifications with the lowest enrolment represented in total just 5% of students, including 11 qualifications that had no enrolments in 2019,” they say. Some other familiar programmes in the remainder of the top 13 include pre-vet/Bachelor of Veterinary Science and the Bachelor of Accountancy, Bachelor of Nursing and Bachelor of Communication. Adam, a former Massey student who studied a BA in Philosophy, says he may be a small part of the BA majority that loved studying philosophy, although he felt he didn’t see many BA students who specifically studied philosophy at

Massey is considering offering free influenza shots to every student to increase the number of vaccinated students. A recent Massey overview document on flu vaccine funding says that reduced unwellness for the student and campus population, less demand for student health services, and less missed class time are some of the reasons for increased investment. Massey currently only provides free influenza vaccinations to staff. The Ministry of Health gives Massey extra funds which also makes flu shots free for high risk enrolled patients such as those with diabetes, over 65 years old or pregnant. The rest of the student population can currently get flu vaccinations for $29 from the on-campus medical centre, whether they have signed up with them or not. The document offers four options. Option A involves completely funding externally provided on-campus flu clinics to give free shots to every Massey student who wants one. This option is predicted to be the most expensive of the four, with a projected cost of $183,750. It is estimated by Massey that 7,500 internal students would take up this offer. Option B is funding and promoting the existing flu vaccination services on campus to make them free for all NEWS

students who are enrolled in the campus medical services. The projected cost is $133,255, and this is estimated to reach an extra 4,595 students who are enrolled in the campus clinic. Option C is a discount to the existing vaccine cost for students from the current price of $29 to $14 per vaccination. The projected cost is $63,000, and it is estimated 4,500 internal students would take up this offer. Finally, Option D is to keep the existing cost and service as it is, and simply increase its promotion to increase uptake. The projected cost is simply listed as “BAU [Business as usual] health promotion funding”, which would likely make this the least expensive of the four options for the University. The ASA Executive have reported in their feedback that they believe Option A would attract the most students to receive the flu shot. “The main aim of this project is to increase the number of students who receive the vaccination. Also, it’s a good chance to make connection with students who didn’t sign up with our medical centre,” they say.

Students stuck queuing for hours to pick up graduation regalia

students and their families waiting outside in the cold and dark. Another student said, “My parents have come down all the way from Auckland, and I can’t even spend time with them since I’m stuck in this queue. Like sort your shit out Massey. I gave you three years, stop wasting more of my time.” Wellington graduation is the first for 2021, with Auckland and Palmerston North to follow in May. You’ve heard it here folks, bring snacks and warm clothes to the regalia line. The Massey spokesperson said, “Massey University and Graduate Women Manawatū Charitable Trust Inc. who provide the academic dress hire for all three campus graduation ceremonies will review the situation following the event.” Here’s hoping they take student experience into account, for once.

Albany Clubs’ Day finally goes ahead Better late than never! JAMES POCOCK

ALBANY NEWS

Students resort to reading Massive out of sheer boredom CAROLINE MORATTI

WELLINGTON NEWS

Students were left waiting for hours to pick up regalia for graduation, some even in the cold and dark. The line, at its largest, spanned from the Flax and Fern Room to outside the Pyramid. A spokesperson for Massey said, “The 2021 Wellington graduation ceremonies are exceptionally large, in part due to the number of students who deferred their graduation. Regrettably, this may have caused delays for students picking up their gowns ahead of graduation.” They also noted, “Wellington graduation is the only ceremony held over one day, which may have also contributed to peak demand when collecting academic regalia.” Regalia collection was available from 1pm to 6:30pm on Monday 19 April, and of the day of graduation, Tuesday 20 April, from 9am onwards. Understandably, students flocked to the Monday collection, anxious to get everything in order. “I thought I was being organised,” said one student. “But instead, I got stuck waiting for nearly two hours. It just seems so dumb that Massey didn’t let students go from 9am onwards, and instead caused a frenzy all afternoon.” By 5pm, the line had grown out the door of the Pyramid, with

Clubs’ Day at Massey’s Albany campus was finally able to go ahead last Wednesday, after several postponements due to Covid-19. Around 25 clubs signed up to be represented at the event, including Massey Albany Pasifika Students’ Association, Massey University Badminton Club, Massey University Student Investment Club and Academic Toastmasters. The original date during the first week of semester one was postponed one week, after Auckland went into Alert Level 3. It was postponed again when Auckland returned to Level 3 a second time. Student Vivian says she was disappointed by the original cancelation. “I was sad because I was really looking forward to it,” she said. NEWS

Student Emma thinks that a clubs’ day earlier in the semester would have been more ideal for its purpose and believes that the event could be advertised more. “It is a great opportunity to see what is available on campus for students and is also a way to create friendships,” she said. Albany Student Association president Ben Austin says that the Clubs’ Day was a good way to see the Massey community and he’s looking forward to seeing life come back to the campus after the study break. “Kay-Leigh, the Clubs Coordinator, has done a lot of work over the weeks to make sure that the event can go ahead and that all the Albany clubs are prepared for the day,” Ben says. Clubs and Activities Coordinator Kay-Leigh Wheeler said Clubs’ Day is a great opportunity for clubs to interact with students and for students to take advantage of their offering and connections. “A club offers social interaction with others and can also help introduce students to new activities and/or cultures/groups they have never been able to be part of. Many of the people you meet in a club can become life time friends or at least it is a good networking opportunity for life outside of uni,” she says.

Outrage at no Frappuccino for Albany’s new Starbucks menu

that was still available, including the caramel macchiato. However, even some macchiatos were left out in the cold. When Massive asked one of the workers at Browse about the options she said, “a girl came in to ask about a white chocolate macchiato”, but they do not serve those at Browse. However, she said that it is possible that the menu could expand in the future, implying that although off to a bumpy start, the integration of more Starbucks products into Browse Café was not off the table and could just take some time. The Browse Café that started shrouded in speculation and mystery still has some unanswered questions about its future. However, with a little patience and some time, the menu could still expand and Albany students could fill that coffee-shaped hole in their heart.

ReBurger heading to Palmy Can the burger store shake off its infamous past? CAMERON TAYLOR

MANAWATŪ NEWS

Are we too spoiled or do we really deserve Frappuccino? We riot at dawn. ARI PRAKASH

ALBANY NEWS

The reopening of the much-loved Browse Café and the introduction of its Starbucks components on 19 April saw many Albany students ready to order their favorite custom Frappuccino. To their shock and horror however, Frappuccinos and refreshers were nowhere to be found. Browse Café returned with the slogan “We Proudly Serve Starbucks”, prompting many to expect that the cafe would offer a full Starbucks menu upon its return. What the slogan means is that Browse Café staff would be trained to serve some Starbucks products. Browse Café has been closed since lockdown last year, and expectations had time to grow over the two-week semester break. With signage covering the Albany campus and sporting the exciting word “Starbucks”, many students were expecting the library to bring a more “bougie” vibe to the campus. Responses by students to describe the menu upon opening include “disappointing”, “it’s too limited” and “underwhelming”. However, there has been some positive feedback too. Some students like Steph, “love[d] the window idea”, which allowed students to order coffee on the go, without having to go into the library. According to the menu, macchiatos were a popular choice

PHOTO: ZOMATO.COM

Yup, the rumours are true - ReBurger is headed to Palmerston North. The iconic burger store is estimated to open around the start of June in the Palmy North City Centre, located on the corner of Broadway Ave and Princess St. ReBurger has four locations so far in Dunedin, Mosgiel, Timaru, and Tauranga. Famously known for serving big, juicy burgers amongst other options such as loaded fries, tacos, and more, ReBurger was an overnight hit with Otago students in Dunedin. However, in 2020, the University of Otago’s student magazine Critic Te Arohi spoke to eight former employees of ReBurger who alleged that the company had a “toxic” work environment. These allegations spoke of illegal employment practices, a lack of food safety training, and NEWS

inappropriate comments. When Massive reached out to ReBurger for a comment, owner Boris Reiber responded: “Without wanting to dredge up history too much, we have obviously grown up and gotten our acts together, and want nothing more than happy and healthy staff loving the work.” He also notes the majority of his staff that were there at the very beginning have stuck around, meaning the culture is “not just toxic, aggressive, and otherwise unorganised as it perhaps looks”. The franchise is currently on the search for multiple positions at their Palmerston North location such as management, chefs, and hospitality crew. Their ad specifically advertises a “happy & healthy work environment with supportive management”, conflicting with the reporting in Critic’s piece. This potentially means that the managers are expected to be totally new and not the employees referred to in the piece. However, there is an opportunity for prospecting employees to join ReBurger’s Union named “Unite”. We love a good union.

Distance exec to take a pay cut

passed increasing the Presidential honorarium by $5 an hour. Jacalyn says, “Since then, both Co-Presidents have learned the honorarium for Massey@Distance’s board is substantially higher than any other student association we know the honoraria for. This is not something anyone on the board was ever made aware of and which was only discovered when I began questioning other associations how much their Presidents were paid as I felt we were being overpaid.” She continues, “Given how limited our funding is we feel it’s wrong for us to be paid this much when it should be used to support distance students.” In the meeting, the co-presidents admitted that, “Looking at the finances, things are not looking good,” and that they “can’t afford all the meetings we’re having”. The decision to decrease rates was passed unanimously, amongst the three remaining board members. Jacalyn says one board member commented that “he thought the decreased rate was the original hourly rate, so he had no concerns about the decrease at all”. Lol.

Kinda cuck energy to cut your own pay but that’s... nice, I guess?

Proposed Scholarship restructuring for Distance students

CAROLINE MORATTI

Neato!

DISTANCE NEWS

CAROLINE MORATTI

DISTANCE NEWS

The Massey Distance Exec (M@D) are proposing new changes to scholarships that the Exec currently offers. The proposed changes include changing the distance research scholarship to a distance student engagement scholarship. The former was for “distance students doing research that will improve distance study” whilst the latter focuses on “students contributing to and improving distance students’ spaces,” according to co-presidents Jax Watt and Jacalyn Clare. They admit that a “very small amount of students” entered the category last year, estimating one or two students in total.

The entirety of the Massey Distance Exec, well, what remains of it, is set to take a pay decrease by $5 per hour across the board. The President’s honorarium will decrease from $35 to 30 per hour, whilst the rest of the board will decrease from $30 to $25. For all you non-student exec freaks, an honorarium is a method to pay volunteers a nominal amount for their time, popular amongst sport coaches or church treasurers, or in this case, student associations. In 2019, a motion was proposed to raise the honorarium by an “exorbitant amount” according to co-president Jacalyn Clare. This motion failed, however in 2020, a motion was

The lecturer’s choice scholarship is also under proposal to be changed as, “not enough lecturers were recommending students making the scholarship less accessible to most distance students,” the co-presidents say. M@D will also be adding an additional scholarship to their list, bringing their total listings up to five scholarships, plus the Diedre McConie Scholarship, which are due to be announced early in Semester 2. These proposed changes are due to the voted on at the next M@D board meeting.

NEWS

How to do a Yardie: WORDS BY CAROLINE MORATTI

21st season is upon us, whether we like it or not. Your friends from high school are crawling out of the woodwork, practically gagging for a doughnut wall or some golden balloons. They’re so wet for those little balloons. With the season, comes the drinking. 21sts are renown for two options of choice for the birthday child: 21 shots or a yardie. Quite frankly, 21 shots are hard to watch. Painful, some would say. Plus, it’s a much slower approach and thus lacks the celebratory cheer behind the effort. Yardies are the backbone of a good 21st. There’s nothing quite like drinking 1.4 litres of beer in one go, surrounded by your friends and family. God bless. Massive has compiled some tricks of the trade to help you on your way to the yardie hall of fame: 1. Be mindful of your beer choice. You’re sculling a shit ton of beer at once; this is not the time to get caught up in taste or nice labels. Cheap and cheerful is the way to go. Massive recommends Bavaria 8.6 Original Holland, which won first in place for our golden ratio investigation. $1.02 per 1 standard, what’s not to love? A keg is even better. Don’t pick a beer you actually like. When you’re throwing up in the bushes later, you don’t want to ruin forever the taste of a most beloved brew.

3. Be wary of food. Although food does line your stomach and thus, will in theory make you less drunk, it also has an unfortunate habit of reappearing again in the bushes. Let’s face it, you’re probably going to spew. You’re drinking 1.4 litres of beer, for fucks sake. If you eat beforehand, pick something that will look nice coming back up. Perhaps soup? Stay away from the baked beans and spaghetti, this is a warning. 4. Have a friend turn the glass as you chug. For this, you need a friend you can trust. Do not trust the designer from Massive, he has a very sloppy twist to his approach. A small vortex helps the chugging experience. It also has the added bonus of being able to check out your friend’s wrist technique. Massive’s subeditor is almost an expert, she must help out with a lot of yardies. 5. Finally, make sure it’s a quickie. The thing is, no one wants to watch a slow drinker. Trust me, deepthroating a yard glass for 10 minutes is about as awkward as it sounds. Like sex, masturbation, anything good in this world, aim for three minutes or under. Ultimately, doing a yardie for the first time is much like losing your virginity. Do it quickly, don’t worry about the mess or the look on your mum’s face. And a good friend always helps things along a bit. Happy 21st season.

2. Pour your beer the night before. Preparation is key if you want to survive your yardie experience. Pre-pouring your beer will make it lukewarm and flat, perfect for a quick skull. Bubbles are your enemy!

FEATURES

O T E V I SS A M THE W E I V E R R E P PA ORATTI

EM WORDS BY CAROLIN

Toilet paper: what separates man from beast. From booze poos to post-sex pissing, toilet paper has always been there in my time of need. However, with so much time squatting over a plastic seat in pain, whilst a lava of regrets and cheap tequila ejaculate through my anus, quality toilet paper makes a world of difference. Massive decided to answer the ultimate question: What is the best toilet paper? With this lofty goal in mind, we set out on a quest and well, brought all the fucking toilet paper at Countdown. Seriously, we have over a hundred rolls in our office, please help us. It looked like we were panic buying. Things got weird. Why can’t they sell one pack rolls??? For judging, we focused on price, softness, durability, and absorbency. Absorbency strangely fell out of the criteria, with all the 2-ply rolls absorbing...the same amount of water? And then the 3-ply, again all the same as each other, just doing marginally better than the 2-ply. Honestly, we didn’t really know what to do with this information. But if you like to piss heavily over a folded wad of toilet paper, perhaps invest in 3-ply. We also looked at mascots (ya know, like the image printed on the package) and patterns. Whilst these didn’t have much sway over the final result, a nice aesthetic is always appreciated. Plus, after hours of fondling toilet paper, trying to feel which one is softer, you tend to lose your mind a little. The pattern gave us something nice to focus on. It was a very long day. FEATURES

OILET

Purex Soft White

Smart Value

Average Price: $5.99 (12 pack)

Average price: $10 (12 pack)

Off the bat, I don’t love any toilet paper that declares themselves white in the name. Idk, just seems kinda racist. Purex is also only 2-ply. Yeah. So, it serves them right, notice how they don’t put THAT in the title. A small redemption from their mascot: a little brown puppy. I’m not going to lie to you, it’s fucking adorable. He looks soft and squishy, the perfect toilet paper substitute. His soft folds would get in every crevice. As for the paper itself, another fun pattern. Star squiggles! Kind of nonsensical but the attempt is appreciated. Softness: 2.5/5 Durability: 2.5/5

Earthcare Average price: $4.70 (12 pack)

Smart Value is those huge fucking packs you buy. The bulk, zombie-movie disaster motherload where you don’t know when you’re next going to the supermarket. No mascot, slight dimple pattern, they’re keeping it simple. 2-ply. This shit is not nice, it’s not fancy, but the perks come from the price and quantity alone. If you’re throwing a big party, this is your brand. If you feel like giving out free rolls on the side of the street, look no further. But for personal anus use, you can do better. You know you can. C’mon, I know it’s been a rough couple of weeks but you got this. Softness: 1/5 Durability: 1.5/5

Savers Earthcare makes those incredible commercials. You know the one. The one with the bear in the woods! Taking a shit! I nearly screamed when I saw that same bear on the packaging. It felt like meeting a celebrity. Sure, they’re only 2-ply, but the overall finish was a light, pleasant paper. The pattern was small, superficial dimples; overall resembling a golf ball. Micah, our designer, commented that this made it seem “very aerodynamic” which, if you’re looking for that in a toilet paper, go nuts. I wasn’t the biggest fan; I don’t like to be reminded of golf at the best of times. It’s killing the planet, okay?

Average price: $5.20 (18 pack) Savers had cute colours but honestly, just wish they would change their name. Please don’t remind me of how cheap I am. 2-ply, as if it could be anything else. Their mascot is a fern. Classic, empowering. However, it does also remind me of a time when prehistoric humans had to use plants as toilet paper. Fell into deep thought for 20 minutes. Concluded that ferns wouldn’t make nice toilet paper, but are nice mascots overall. Again, another dimple pattern. Urgh! Where’s the fun? Where’s the sudoku toilet paper, the sense of adventure?

Softness: 3.5/5

Softness: 2/5

Durability: 2/5

Durability. 3/5 FEATURES

Quilton Average Price: $7 (12 pack)

their branding, showing a clear lack of confidence off the bat. At least own your shit, you know? But also, I kind of get why they’ve hidden it. It’s an owl. Not just any old owl, a menacing one. The kind of owl that gives you a piercing look if you scrunch, rather than fold, your TP. Not a cute vibe.

Kiwi Soft Average price: $4 (12 pack)

No pattern for the eco warrior brand. Sad! What is this, Soviet Russia? Give us a little capitalist flare, I’m begging you. Softness: 2/5 Durability: 1.5/5

Paseo Quilton is a 3-ply goddess. It’s the kind of toilet paper your grandmother wipes with and you know that means it’s gotta be top tier. You don’t make it to 80+ years by disrespecting your butthole.

Average price: $6.50 (6 long rolls, so basically 12)

The packaging - purple and brown screams regal. It’s not trendy, but it’s old money, darling. And the name! Oh, the name! Quilton! My arse deserves a motherfucking, Egyptian cotton quilt. Quilt me, baby. Quilton’s mascot is a cupid which is my greatest beef with this wiping machine. Like, on one hand, a baby vaguely could be seen as a mascot. Babies are messy, they need to be cleaned thoroughly. But a romantic baby? Makes. No. Sense. As Micah described, “There’s no personality. Not a baby I’d like to chill with, seems strangely uptight.” One of the nicest patterns of the bunch, Quilton’s toilet paper featured a rose. It was romantic, even sentimental. Again, like the cupid thing, what’s up with the love theme here? I’m trying to wipe away the brown smears of my dignity, not perform a grand gesture in an airport. Softness: 5/5 Durability: 5/5

EarthSmart Average price: $5 (6 long rolls, so basically 12) EarthSmart is one of those environmentally friendly toilet papers! Cool! Only 2-ply, but I’ll spare them the grief since they’re saving the planet (allegedly). Their mascot is hidden on the back of

At first glance, Paseo looked to be the same packaging as EarthSmart, just with a different name. And truth be told, they are by the same parent company or some shit. But oh, Paseo. You’re not like your younger brother at all. A tall, lush 3-ply roll, Paseo is well built and pleasing. Oh, and it’s hyper-allergenic for sensitive skin. Zoo wee mama! No mascot, no pattern. Just a black hole, a void of nothingness. Mood. BUT - the money saved by ignoring capitalist trends has clearly gone straight back into the TP beacuse this guy was durable af, and soft like a cloud. I had vivid fantasies about the toilet roll transforming into a human man and carrying me in his muscular arms into a wood cabin. This was hour three of reviewing toilet paper, so my mental state was slipping a bit, to be fair.

Kiwi Soft was embarrassing to meet in the cold light of day. He’s my toilet paper. You know, the one I actually buy. It’s almost embarrassingly cheap of me, but I share my bathroom, okay! I’m not about to be spending $10 on toilet paper for my flatmates to experience cotton cunnilingus. I also don’t want to be that freak that hoards nice toilet paper under my bed. So Kiwi Soft is my go-to. Cheap ‘n nasty. Their mascot is a kiwi in a rugby shirt. I mean you expect it; it’s in the name, but must we really deal with the nationalistic propaganda, even when wiping our inner most parts? Mostly though, I just don’t like the kiwi’s vibe. It has big eyes, and a coying smile. Reminds me of a creepy uncle that’s inappropriate at parties. So a tick for upholding the ‘kiwi’ part of the name, but where the fuck is the softness? I felt cheated. It’s like calling a scorpion ‘cuddly.’ This thing is far more likely to sting you than caress you. And don’t get me started on the pattern. The first, and only, use of colour amongst all the toilet paper, and you can see why other brands keep it au naturel. Green flecks of what I can only presume to be grass littered this tapestry. Micah muttered “half assed, pathetic” scathingly under his breath. Worst of all, the pattern was off-centre. Is it too much to ask for a little attention to detail? Softness: 1/5 Durability: 3/5

Softness: 5/5 Durability: 4/5 FEATURES

Countdown Essentials Average price: $3.20 (12 pack)

Essentials was the cheapest of the lot, and for good reason. The paper was barely holding together; the miserable 2-ply sheet coming apart at the seams. The mascot for Essentials was a toilet paper. Very meta. The pattern was subtle - like small needlework stitches. Homely and unassuming. Most importantly though, you just don’t feel in safe hands with Essentials. “I’m shitting out necessity rather than pleasure,” said Micah. Softness: 2.5/5 Durability: 1/5

Kleenex Average price: $9.90 (6 long rolls, so basically 12)

Their mascot was a golden retriever. Fuck yeah. Cute, soft, cheeky. Everything a mascot should be. Kiwi Soft, take notes. But then we did the softness test and HOLY FUCK. I felt like I was holding an angel’s pillowcase. Micah “couldn’t tell the difference”, but he’s a guy and he doesn’t even notice when I wear the same hoodie to work several days in a row. Or maybe he’s too polite to say something. Whatever. Micah gave this a 4/5, but his opinion is inferior. Try remembering my birthday next time, okay. Durability is where things really went down for Kleenex. Their tissue past origins caught up to them. The fabric, though rippled, was ultimately weak. Even worse, it didn’t even break at the seam. Just came off as little pathetic tufts in my hand. No one likes toilet paper jizz. Softness: 6/5 Durability: 1/5

Cotton Softs 3-ply Posh: Average price: $6 (12 pack) Calling a toilet paper “posh” is the biggest mood killer since Robin Thicke. Like sure, I’m trying to have a nice thing, but I’m not about to join the fucking Royal Family. Calm down Cotton Softs. Their pattern is a cloud. Fucking finally! Someone understands the assignment. Clouds are the perfect pattern: dreamy, soft and just the kind of thing I’d love to leave skid marks on. But overall, kinda disappointing. In the end, I could barely remember this paper. It just got lost amongst the competitors, swallowed whole by the throes of the crowd. Also, kind of weird how the company name is Cotton Soft but the brand is Cotton Softs. Just sayin’. Softness: 2/5 Durability: 1.5/5

Kleenex was the one I was most excited about. There was something so indescribably sexy about it. A total Zaddy. There was no information on their ply count on their packaging, they seem to have transcended beyond ply. Instead, they were big on something called “ripple technology”. Mmm, okay babe.

Sorbent Hypoallergenic Thick & Large (8 rolls) Average price: $7.49 (8 pack)

Not gonna lie, I mostly just brought this because of the words “Thick & Large”. It was practically begging for a good dick joke. These were advertised as king-sized, because the sheets are 30% larger. Comparing a toilet roll to a bed is an interesting tactic, but I kind of...get it? Although shitting in a bed isn’t nearly as fun as it sounds, trust me. Mascot is some scary skeleton trees. Very moody, very Twilight 2012. Thinking about Twilight made me feel better, so I appreciate the artistic choice. When it came to the durability test, much like the thickest and largest dicks I know, this sheet didn’t last very long. It was nice, whilst it lasted. I’ll probably still hit it up when I’m drunk. Softness: 4/5 Durability: 2/5

The Winner There were fights. There were tears. But ultimately, we just had to give the win to Quilton. It’s not the cheapest of the lot, but it’s far from the worst offender in terms of price. Quilton is a soft, luxurious roll that offers a strong, user-friendly experience. It’s romantic, strong, basically the boyfriend of my dreams. Really gets up inside the ass too. Shout outs also go to Paseo and Earthcare for decent rolls at decent prices. Love you guys. Wish I could take you all home with me.

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International Students are facing growing debt from Covid-19

“I get treated like a full-on stranger to this country” Words by Liv Redman

As we complain about our Kiwi student debts growing, consider our international students whose fees dwarf our own. Covid-19 has only exacerbated this inequality, with increased border fees and lingering uncertainty about debt and travel. International Vet students at Massey pay a whopping $68,000 a year for tuition alone, while Kiwi Vet students pay close to $60,000 for the entire five-year degree. In other words, it’s cheaper for a Kiwi student to do the whole five-year degree than it is for an international student to study for one year. For international Vet students Ella* and Rafael*, on top of their fees are the restrictions of not being able to see their families due to Covid-19.

Before New Zealand’s borders closed, Rafael would visit his home (an island close to New Zealand) four times a year to see his family and friends. Once New Zealand announced the border closure, he feared the unknown time away he’d have from his home. Now, he’s spent a year and two months away from his

family which has been his longest period of time apart from them. “My younger brother has grown up, my parents are getting older, it’s quite scary to not be able to see them,” Rafael says.

As the pressure of finishing his degree builds, so does the pressure of not being able to complete it if he decides to take a plane out of New Zealand. The factor of quarantine and quarantine fees isn’t the issue as most may assume. “If I decide to go home, even though I’m in the middle of a Vet degree and my country is Covid-free, I’m not allowed to come back across the New Zealand border, even after four years of being part of this country.” USA student Ella is in the same predicament. “I have to choose either my studies or my family which is a difficult situation. I have a 5-year-old sister and she has to wear a mask to school every day. Seeing my family go through this pandemic is a lot worse when I’m not able to be there to help them.”

Ella has a close relationship with her father, who has struggled with his mental health and alcoholism while not being able to see his daughter. “On FaceTime, I had to have an intervention with him,” she admits. Both students expressed that it’s been difficult to get the information they needed from Immigration New Zealand. Rafael understands that they are just doing their job, however, each time he calls to get some clear information they “make me cry”. “I get treated like a full-on stranger to this country when I’ve been living here for four years. My life is here. It can be harsh to be treated this way [over the phone].” Another international student said they’ve been advised that if the borders do open, Massey wouldn’t support them to be able to go home and finally see family due to the practical nature of the degree and the physical requirements to be there.

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Since the pandemic started, Ella said she only got around two emails from the University stating what was happening with the Kiwi borders, “but they never reached out to tell us about our options”. She continues, “The US doesn’t feel like I’m their responsibility and New Zealand doesn’t either, so I’m in this weird limbo.”

back the same amount of loan fees as last year in USD – even more with the interest on top of my loan.”

It’s not just the pandemic that’s causing international students’ grief. The exchange rate has tanked in the USA which has caused huge issues with the amount of money American students with loans have been getting for their living costs in New Zealand.

Ella is up at around $220,000 (NZ$309,000) in student loan debt. She still has another two years of study to go. This is still more efficient than studying back home in the states. “I think it’s definitely fair that I pay more than a Kiwi student, but I don’t think it’s fair that I have to pay over five times the amount.”

The way that Ella’s loan works is that her loan gets taken from her US bank to Massey for tuition fees. Then, Massey transfers the left-over money to her New Zealand account to cover her living costs. “Last year in the first semester I received $14,000, and this year I only received $8,500, even though the same amount of money has been converted from USD… I’m receiving less money in NZD but I’m going to have to pay

“We’re not even allowed to take out extra money to compensate for that loss, so now a lot of us are struggling financially.”

Massive was tipped off that an international student requested a remittance letter from Massey to be able to see the breakdown of where parts of their tuition fees are specifically being spent. However, this letter was apparently refused. When Massive reached out to Massey about the request, Mike Shaw, Associate Director of

Massey Communications said, “At no time has Massey University refused to provide students with an itemised statement of their costs. Students have immediate access to their Statement of Account on their Student Portal under the Fees and Finance tab.” As Massive reported this year, a new policy has also meant that returning international students will face a 78% price increase for their stay in managed isolation. As temporary visa holders, the cost of a one-person stay will increase from $3,100 to $5,520 on 25 March. This cost is on top of the $20,000 in living costs that international students are required to bring across the border, alongside course fees totalling around $30,000 per year. Quite frankly, it’s shitty and fucking ridiculous. International students are struggling right now. Reach out to them, offer them support. God knows the NZ Government isn’t. * Names have been changed FEATURES

Public Mental Healthcare: What happens to Massey students after they graduate, and why you should care Words by Liam McGuire

FEATURES

THEIR ASSESSMENT CRITERIA IS SUCH BULLSHIT. I’VE BEEN TURNED AWAY AND IGNORED BY THE [PUBLIC HEALTH SYSTEM] AND HAVE HAD TO LITERALLY TRAVEL TO AMERICA TO RECEIVE A DIFFERENT KIND OF THERAPY.”

Whether you’re a student or a graduate, a worker or unemployed, young New Zealanders need access to mental health support, and the public system is struggling to keep up. While Massey University provides on-campus mental health services, once students graduate it’s up to the public or private mental health systems to help them through. One thing consistent throughout the public mental health sector however, is wait times. Please note, that if you are struggling with your mental health, Massive still urges you to reach out to health systems, friends and whānau for support. Massive put out a call for people who have attempted to get mental health through the public system and within an hour was inundated with stories, experiences and quotes. Charlotte, a previous Massey student, said she had her GP send a “referral through last year in like June and I still haven’t heard back at all”. Bee*, a graduate, stated that they felt like they were “completely failed by the system. Wait times for the public system would be nuts, GPs ultimately didn’t care enough to be thorough and I got really messed up by the whole thing.” Yasmin, another person who’d attempted to get public care, simply said “getting mental health support for me was bullshit”. Many of the stories were the same. Unsustainable wait times for care that was urgently needed, only to be given a counsellor instead of a psychiatrist or high-level clinician. Eve is someone who has moved to America in order to get access to specific types of treatment. She told Massive, “I went for years not being listened to (about symptoms I was having) and having psychiatrists telling me to just exercise and shaming me for not being able to get out of bed when the medication they put me on was really screwing me up.” “Their assessment criteria is such bullshit. I’ve been turned away and ignored by the [public health system] and have had to literally travel to America to receive a different kind of therapy.” She finished with her experience that it’s “a lot easier to get anti-depressants and meds prescribed than ongoing affordable care”. Massive also spoke to Michael, a student on placement at a Crisis Response Unit.

The Crisis Unit is not a standard part of the public mental health system, more an immediate response for those facing urgent mental health crises. From there, they are able to hand people off to appropriate public or student mental health systems. He spoke on some of his observations, saying the Crisis Unit is “mainly that net at the bottom of the cliff rather than any sort of upstream stopping people jumping off the cliff initially”. He thinks that “probably the most helpful thing for a lot of the people we see would be a long-term consistent psychologist for decent therapeutic work. A lot of what psychiatrists do isn’t actually therapy it’s more assessments so checking over someone and being like these are the problems you have here are solutions that are out there.” When asked about avenues people not facing crisis can take to seek the right support Michael made an unconventional statement. “Admin staff are really good because they’ll be like ‘do you want this service this service or this service?’ They are people that are often overlooked in the mental health service as a whole.” Michael says that people tend to “jump straight to doctors, psychologists and high-level clinicians that you see face to face long-term, but quite often it’s the support people around that clinician that can really push through and organise this chaos. They’re the ones who’ve got input from so many different people.” In the public system, there are no jumping queues, and even basic assessments can take weeks if not months to obtain. People who find this system so difficult to access often stop trying because of the convoluted process. With private counselling nearing $200 for a 30-minute Zoom call, there are very few avenues’ people on a low income can take to ensure quick, adequate, and helpful mental healthcare. But at the end of the day, any changes made to the system have to be made so far in advance that it is often years until they take effect. Even with recently boosted funding, systems are still overflowing and people are facing months of waiting to even be seen. At what point do people decide enough is enough? And what steps can be taken to immediately increase the capacity for mental health services?

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IVE

MA SS

Exploring body art and cultural identities Words by Ari Prakash

attoos, big or small, from deathly hallows tattoos (lol) to an ex’s name hidden under a flower, each has some personal history behind the ink. Cultures around the world also have histories of tattoos spanning centuries. For many, traditional and non-traditional tattoos can be linked to tradition, religion and individual self-expression. Even though she is long gone, a vivid memory I have of my grandmother or Aaji, as I called her, was of the blurry Sanskrit tattoo on the inside of her forearm. My other grandmother also had a Sanskrit tattoo of her name. That practice has fallen out with my parents, aunts and uncles. But there has always been a strong use of both traditional and nontraditional tattoos. From the problematic trend of “tribal” tattoos in the 2010s to seeing traditional tattoos in Parliament, the attitude towards tattoos have changed drastically and for the better.

My older sister Anjula’s experiences of tattoos were a little different. She’s half Sri Lankan and comes from a culture where tattoos are considered normal. But she says that “non-traditional tattoos are a newer thing and I’m not entirely sure how it is received by most Sri Lankans”. Anjula wanted to get a tattoo to “celebrate/ have something to forever remind me of my values and beliefs”. She links tattoos to tradition and history and mentions that “for many New Zealanders having a tattoo is also perfectly acceptable, but for others, it may not be”. There were few barriers for her, and noticed how “generally, tattoos have become pretty normal for us all as body decoration”. FEATURES

In Polynesian cultures, traditional tattoos have endured and are a way of reclaiming identity after years of colonialism. A time where tattoos were a sign of primitiveness and their religious meanings seemed like a challenge to missionaries. Tattoos are thought of as a sign of a rebellious phase against family norms. But in many cultures, it is something that brings families together. Aaliyah got her first tā moko for her nanny who passed away. To Aaliyah, it was a way to tie her to her tupuna. She said that “In te ao Māori, tā moko is a way of life, it’s a part of whakapapa. Tā moko can tie one back to hapū, iwi, whakapapa, and historical ties, it’s a part of my identity as a Māori.” From a young age, tattoos were a part of Aaliyah’s family. Aunts, uncles, older cousins and siblings have tā moko or tattoos. In Aaliyah’s whānau, getting a tā moko was the unspoken “norm”, which is something she followed when she was sixteen, only because of her late granddad. She said that she found no barriers to getting her tattoos, but certain tattoos, like the Māori traditional face tattoo, moko kauae, have a lot more mana. The

process of getting one involves taking a whole journey. In Aaliyah’s case, the first step of this journey had just started, “I was asked today if I would start my own moko kauae journey, alongside my mother and tuakana. I’m very privileged to have that opportunity. I have decided right now that I, as a mana wahine will start my journey to get my moko kauae.” For Anya, the attitudes towards tattoos in her home country of Thailand were less than stellar. “I’ve been wanting to get tattoos since I was a kid,” she says, but admitted the older generations were against the idea. The biggest worry that people had about such permanent decisions was that it lowered job opportunities and they believed that those who had tattoos in this day and age were criminals, thugs, hoodlums, etc. Anya’s tattoo journey took five years of convincing her parents that, no, she wouldn’t be left out of the job market and that things were actually quite different in New Zealand. After her parents realised that she’ll be staying in New Zealand, Anya got her first tattoo.

“IN TE AO MĀORI, TĀ MOKO IS A WAY OF LIFE, IT’S A PART OF WHAKAPAPA.” FEATURES

“TĀ MOKO CAN TIE ONE BACK TO HAPŪ, IWI, WHAKAPAPA, AND HISTORICAL TIES, IT’S A PART OF MY IDENTITY AS A MĀORI.” IMAGE SOURCED FROM MICHAEL COGHLAN

The attitudes towards tattoos in New Zealand were very different to Thailand, and Anya found that “people don’t care if you have tattoos or not’’. The major difference was the absence of the belief that tattoos lower someone’s standard. An ad from the NZ Police in 2019 encouraged Anya’s decision to get inked and has stuck with her to this day. It was a campaign showcasing the proud ink of many police recruits, which both destigmatised tattoos and encouraged people to join the force. For Anya, the idea of normalising tattoos was new to her, something that she’d never see in Thailand. It was something that surprised me, too. Growing up, tatts were something you had to be careful about, because what if you regret it? What if it was a mistake? What if it ruins your chances? As a person of colour, also someone who has Asian parents, there

is still some of that hesitation when it comes to tattoos, even though there is a strong history of traditional tattoos in rural areas. Whatever the case, tattoos both traditional and non-traditional will continue, whether it be as a symbol of identity and expression, a time in your life, or a combination of both. In Anya’s case, her opinion was that “tattoos are art, and it’s another way to express yourself ”. For my sister, it was a symbol for her to remember “a time of [her] life where lots of big changes were happening”. For Aaliyah, it is tied to cultural journeys and practices, and both “tā moko and nontraditional tattoos in [her] family were a way of expressing yourself ”. There’s that cliche saying about pictures and a thousand words, but one thing is for certain when it comes to tattoos, each sure as hell tells a story. FEATURES

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Words by Ben Schmidt, Manawatū Tenants’ Union

Shit your landlord doesn’t want you to know

Heading into winter, it’s going to be crunch time for just how warm and dry your flat really is. At the Manawatū Tenants’ Union we provide free advice and advocacy for tenants, and will discuss some of the most common renting issues that students contact us about. For specific advice, be sure to get the right information and consider getting free advice from a professional source. What is the difference between a tenant and a flatmate: do I have rights? Knowing if you are a tenant or a flatmate can be the difference between having no rights and being covered under the Residential Tenancies Act. The Residential Tenancies Act (RTA) gives tenants rights; such as the landlord needing to give proper notice to end a tenancy. However, there are some situations where you may not be covered under this Act, and the only rights you have are those agreed to in writing. For students, the most common nonRTA situation is flatting; where you rent from a head tenant or someone living at the house, but are not on the tenancy agreement with the landlord or owner for the property. If you are a flatmate, it is extra-important to have a flatmate agreement that sets out your rights and responsibilities; you can get a free template at tenancy.govt.nz. Beware of fixed term-tenancies Often you may not have a choice to enter into a fixed-term tenancy, but if you’re in one it’s important to understand what this means. If you want to leave your fixed-term tenancy early it usually requires the agreement of the other tenants and

landlords, or a tenant tribunal order. The Tenancy Tribunal will usually only terminate the tenancy if you can prove an unforeseen change in circumstances causing severe hardship; it is a high bar, and we have worked with far too many tenants stuck paying two rents at once until they can be replaced in a fixed-term tenancy. Take photos of everything If things go downhill in your tenancy, evidence is everything. Move into a new property? Take photos. Have a maintenance issue? Take photos. Moving out of a tenancy? Take photos. You get the idea. What can I do about a damp and mouldy flat? Tackling mould and damp is a shared responsibility; the landlord should provide a home that can be lived in reasonably free of damp, while the tenant should take reasonable steps to prevent mould from building up. Usually, this means things like opening up the house for at least 20 minutes a day, wiping condensation, and drying clothes outside where possible. A mixture of white vinegar and water is usually far better and cheaper at removing mould than bleach, which can remove the blackness but leave the mould behind. If you live in Palmerston North, the City Council provides a fantastic eco advisor service where someone can come to your flat for free to give advice on what you, and your landlord, can do to keep your flat warm and dry. Email nelson.lebo@pncc.govt.nz to book a visit. If your landlord needs to fix something, make sure to put your request in writing and get help if you need it. Your landlord is obligated to maintain the property.

Communication with your landlord If it’s not in writing, it didn’t happen, is a good rule to live by. If you raise an issue with your landlord, or have a conversation about your tenancy, then be sure to either do so in writing (text or email), or follow up any verbal conversation with a text or email to keep a paper trail. Do I have to get the carpet commercially cleaned? As a tenant, you only have to keep and leave your flat in a reasonably clean and tidy condition. Despite what your tenancy agreement may say, a landlord cannot require you to leave the property in anything more than a reasonable condition. Most of the time, requiring commercial carpet cleaning will not be necessary for this and is an unenforceable clause that your landlord cannot hold you to. Need help or have questions? There are plenty of places you can go for free tenancy advice and advocacy, such as: •

Your student association advocate;

•

A dedicated tenant advocacy organisation such as the Manawatū Tenants’ Union or Tenant Protection Association (Auckland);

•

Your local Citizen’s Advice Bureau or Community Law Centre; or

•

Tenancy TENANCY)

Services

(0800

Any students are welcome to contact us with any questions or issues by email at info@mtu.org.nz, or by phoning 06 357 7435. Stay safe, ask for help if you need it, and all the best! FEATURES

Ranking my childhood sexual awakenings I’ve watched every animated kid film made before 2010. It all started when I was still a tween. I was watching The Brave Little Toaster, and that cute adorable lil appliance caught my eye. An overwhelming tingling between my legs began. I was awestruck. Fixated on that toaster, eyes wide open and my hands making their way to the seam of my pants... phew I still get hot and flustered... Anyway, this is my top ten characters I would bang if I could.

Sally Carrera, Cars (2006):

Lady Marian, Robin Hood (1973):

That mouth just looks so kissable. Something about the way she fuels up.

Her eyelashes got me. Long, dark and almost like a butterfly’s wings. I re-watched this a couple weeks ago, and her voice still makes me swoon.

Fiona, but the ogre version, Shrek (2001):

Mulan and Li, Mulan (1998):

She is a curvy badass. Those tiddies, my lord...

These two are the beginning of my bisexual awakening. The way Li touched Mulan regardless of her gender expression turns turned me on in ways I can’t describe.

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Collette, Ratatouille (2007):

Milo, Kida, Audrey, and Helga, Atlantis (2001):

She handles knives like no one else I know. She puts stupid boys in their place. She rides motorbikes in leather. Need I say more? She’s every lil girl’s wet dream.

Jesus, so many hot muthafuckers in this one. The hair, the faces, the fits, and the voices. Good lawd, that swim scene still makes my, uhhh, heart melt.

Tigress, Kung Fu Panda (2008):

Meg, Hercules (1997):

Angelina Jolie’s voice is so goddamn smooth. I reckon Master Tigress would be kinky asf. I always felt that fear kick in when I’d watch her beat up the bad guys... maybe that’s just the prey kink in me though.

I had a figurine when I was about eight years old. The purple dress that hugged every inch of her held my attention for about a year. I didn’t play with any other dolls for that year...

Barbara Millicent Roberts, the Barbie Movie Series (2001-2013):

Captain Amelia, Treasure Planet (2002):

Barbara Millicent Roberts, the Barbie Movie Series (20012013): Barbie’s fits are gorgeous. She sang, danced and moved like a goddamn queen. I wanted to be her prince; fuck those annoying cunts she fell for.

Sexy cat in thigh highs. Need I say more.

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A BREAKDOWN OF THE YELLOW WIGGLE DRAMA WORDS BY ELENA MCINTYRE-REET

ou may have seen on your Facebook newsfeed (if you still check it), that Emma Watkins got engaged. Who the fuck is Emma Watkins? Well, she’s the motherfuckin’ Yellow Wiggle. First of all, I didn’t even know they had a female Wiggle (#girlboss #yasqueen, whatever). Apparently, she joined in 2012, when most of us had probably stopped engaging with the wiggles, replacing Greg, the Yellow Wiggle before her. The love lives of children’s performers is probably a pretty niche topic, but Emma Watkins is kind of an icon. She’s the first ever female Wiggle which is kind of significant because now instead of watching adult men dance around in coloured shirts, children will see that women can also wiggle. She made waves at the end of the last year when the Wiggles offered a pants alternative to her iconic black and yellow skirt. A woman in PANTS? Blasphemy. She is genuinely a badass though, she’s been open about her struggle with

endometriosis, when it stopped her from performing a few years ago. She announced her engagement to fellow Wiggles performer Oliver Brian while in New Zealand on their 25-show tour. Seriously, New Zealand is not that big. The Wiggles have got to be loaded. The story gets even more interesting when you dig deeper, as this is not the first Wiggles

performer Emma Watkins has been romantically involved with. In 2016, she married none other than the Purple Wiggle, Lachlan Gillespie (let’s just call him Purple). The pair split in 2018, allegedly it was drama-free. I’m not one to speculate but perhaps we have a Wiggle affair on our hands. Purple Wiggle was one of the first to express his support for the lovebirds, by commenting a series of hearts under Emma’s Instagram post. Perhaps he’s a little too supportive? There’s definitely something fishy going on, I mean two inter-Wiggle relationships. What are the chances? My money is on a strange incestual cult vibe, but again, not one to speculate. So, the Yellow Wiggle is about to marry a fellow performer, and there’s a rumour they’ve secretly eloped! Emma Wiggle was seen with what appeared to be a wedding band, but these rumours are unconfirmed at this stage. I’ll try score a Massive spot at the wedding of the century. Love you, Emma. FEATURES

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C I N N A M O N S W I R L PA N C A K E S COOK TIME: 15-20 MINUTES

PREP TIME: 10 MINUTES

A weekend favourite, or the poor man’s waffle, as I heard someone once say. But since I’ve never owned a waffle iron and pancakes have been a personal staple for years, this is the recipe you’re getting. First, I reckon a pancake is usually a vehicle for the toppings you want. Whether it’s jam and cream, maple syrup and bacon, lemon and sugar or a combination of everything if you take health warnings as a personal challenge. But what if you turn that plain pancake into something a bit more interesting, tastier and possibly… more decorative on its own?

INGREDIENTS Pancake batter: 1 ½ cups of flour all-purpose 1 ½ teaspoons baking powder ½ teaspoon salt

1 tablespoon sugar 1 egg 1 ¼ cups milk

Cinnamon butter: 125g of butter ¼ cup brown sugar ½ teaspoon of cinnamon

METHOD THE PANCAKE BATTER First sift and combine the dry ingredients in a bowl. Then combine the wet ingredients in a separate bowl. With your spoon, make a well in your dry ingredients and pour the wet ones into it (remember: keep your mind out of the gutter and in the kitchen). Then mix until just combined. THE CINNAMON BUTTER For this delight, melt butter for 10-15 seconds in the microwave until it’s soft enough to mix with your metal spoon but hasn’t melted into a greasy puddle. Then add in the cinnamon and sugar and mix until combined.

Then scoop it into your piping bag or into a resealable sandwich bag and snip the corner with some scissors. Turn the stove onto a medium setting and let the pan heat. To test if the pan is hot enough, sprinkle some water onto it. If it evaporates on contact, put some butter on it because the pan is ready. But even with that tip the first pancake is usually terrible. An uncle once told me “the first pancake is for the dog”. Just in case, make a small pancake for your first try. Then with your piping bag or makeshift one do the best cinnamon swirl you can starting

from the centre of the pancake. Or you can get creative, draw a face, do whatever, it’s your pancake. After that, wait until you see the edges of the pancake dry and bubbles start to rise. Then flip it over. Wait another minute and you’ve made your first pancake. Hope it turned out well! After that repeat pouring the mixture, adding the cinnamon butter, waiting for the bubbles, etc., until you’ve run out of batter. Have it with any toppings you want. They are yours to enjoy. And to whoever said pancakes are the poor man’s waffles… Fuck you. COLUMNS

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Being on Tinder (illegally) had become my favorite hobby as a 17 year old girl. I’d landed upon a fairly decent guy that I thought was a perfect prospect to up my body count & progress towards gaining sexual experience. He wasn’t bad-looking and seemed nice enough. He was a little on the short side, but hey the sexual tension was absolutely wild. After a couple weeks of cringy sex talk over Snapchat, we decided to finally take the plunge and meet faceto-face. He agreed to pick me up in his car and take me somewhere private to do the deed. We drove off one Thursday evening, telling him I had to be back by 10 because I had school the next day and I simply could not miss English first period. As we pulled into the place, my stomach dropped. He had taken me to the fucking Awapuni racecourse. The sun hadn’t even set yet, but he swung his boot door open a little too eagerly. Despite being in clear view of

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literally anyone and everyone, I could see that like a racing horse, him and his stallion was ready to go. ‘Fuck it’, I said to myself. My big ass squeezed into his tiny car boot, and we started going at it. Midway through, his penis slipped out. As he tried manuvering it back in, I thought ‘allgood, he knows where everything goes’. Boy, did I think wrong. Just as eagerly as he opened the boot, this boy shoved his testicles right in my booty hole without hesitation. A scream let loose out of my mouth, pushing him off me immediately. I was 17 years old, sitting in the back of a car boot at a well-lit racecourse, with a fiery hot asshole. To this day, I don’t know if it was a genuine accident. But, I will never find out. We never spoke again. Got a confession, a naughty tale, a sexy story? Email sexcapades@massivemagazine.org.nz to submit yours xoxox

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W U L

STACKING THE DISHWASHER

By Liam McGuire

rack and then work up to your big boys.

Okay kids, I can’t believe I have to make this but here goes… What follows is a comprehensive and somewhat patronising guide on how to stack your DAMN dishwasher correctly.

Right, now let’s look at mugs, cups, shit that goes in that top little shelfy thing. That’s a bit more lacklustre, just fill it up with as many cups that’ll fit. It’s like circle tetris. Hey now look at you go!

Firstly, have you emptied it yet? Like, all of it? Yes, the cutlery too for fuck’s sake.

Cutlery is easy, smush it in, but, for fucks sake, put sharp things pointy end down. I shouldn’t even have to say that but seriously, knives and scissors down.

If you’re going to stack the dishwasher then for the love of God make sure what’s already in the dishwasher hasn’t gone through. You and I both know you can’t afford the power to run the same shit twice. Next, now that it’s properly empty, start with shit that fits. Plates go first, and always start with the biggest ones. No, the biggest plates not the saucers… Oh come on… Dinner plates. As many as you can possibly fit, just stick em in one after the other. Cool, okay, now small plates and other flat things, chopping boards if they fit. Hey, look at you go, well done. Bowls go next on a different rack, but with bowls you start with the smallest ones. Why? Jesus, I didn’t think I’d have to explain this. Try stacking a tiny bowl on a mixing bowl and see how well that fits why don’t you? It’s like a ballet dancer spooning a bodybuilder, they just don’t fit. You get it now? Okay, smallest bowls first at the near end of the

Okay so that’s the basics out of the way. What about the shit that doesn’t stack? Well, struggling stranger, this is where it gets tricky. Well not that tricky but if you’re having trouble stacking a dishwasher then it might be. To be honest just put like with like. Spatulas, ladles and scrapers all go together along with any other long boi. Tupperware goes on the outside of the bowl stack, pot lids go with plates, you get the gist. Finally, no, you can’t put oven trays and pans in the dishwasher, even if they do fit, just hand wash the damn things like an adult… Congratulations, you are now (somewhat) an adult. Look at you stacking your dishwasher right, I’m proud of you. How far you’ve come from that naive child I began talking to. I just hope you know how to use your washing machine too… COLUMNS

SNIP, SNOP, SNAP SEND US YOUR SNAPS TO GET FEATURED IN NEXT WEEK’S EDITION @MASSIVE_MAG

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Exec’s Columns

MAWSA: PHOEBE BERTELSEN

ASA: MICHAELA FUTTER

Kia ora team! Phoebe, your academic officer popping in to say hi! Congrats to all those who graduated last week, totally warmed my heart seeing you strut your stuff on stage wearing them fancy bathrobes. And to the rest of us still studying, hope you’re feeling warmed up after one week back and that you didn’t spend all your money at the student market. MAWSA’s bringing you some sick events this sem with this week all about period poverty. On Wednesday we’ve got a ‘Go with the flow’ day including an educational panel and a period party, and we’ve got free period products available all week for those who need them! Get amongst it and good luck for the rest of the sem!

Come one, come all to the first-ever Period discussion panel (12-2 PM Wed 28th April). A safe space for ALL students to discuss periods, new reusable products, free products at ASA, and to score amazing prizes! Register to go into the draw to win a pamper hamper filled with all the essential goodies for waiwhero. It’s time to reclaim our dignity for menstruation and kōrero about why it is important to take time for yourself. Lunch will be provided, and we’ll cater for dietary requirements if you let us know upon registration (See our FB event 4 details!). See you babes there!

MUSA: FATIMA IMRAN Bola everyone! Hope you all have had a wonderful start to the second half of the semester. I know it is pretty hard to get back into the routine of studying and going to lectures but just know that before you know it semester 1 will finish. Before we think that far let’s first make the present count so enjoy each day and be grateful for what you have as others may not be in such a good position. Always look below you. I hope everyone had an enjoyable and reflective ANZAC long weekend.

M@D: JACALYN CLARE AND JAX WATT Mid-semester break is over and we’re just weeks away from Semester 1 ending as well. So, we know it’s about that time when students are thinking about their final assignments or deciding what papers they might enroll in next semester. If you’re new to tertiary study and feel you could do with a little advice stepping into final assignments and exams, be sure to check out our recorded presentations on how to study through the stress and understanding marking and grading, among many other: https://www.mad.ac.nz/ recorded-presentations/ COLUMNS

puzzles

Credit: Critic and Ciara White

CROSSWORD

Printable Sudoku - Hard - 04/13/2021

DOWN 1. ‘Student’ in te reo Māori (6) 2. Oaty biscuit (5) 3. Type of grain (3) 4. Kōwhai (6) 5. Spongebob’s home: _____ Bottom (6 6. Dish made with noodles (4,3) 11. Baby swan (6) 12. Coastal town between Timaru and Dunedin (6) 14. Concealed (6)

15. Tropical fruit (6) 17. Macaroni in a pot, that’s some ___ (3) 19. Dodgy (7) 22. Really busy (6) 13/04/21, 4:14 PM 23. Compliment (6) 24. Horrible smell (6) 26. Poem with exactly 17 syllables (5) 28. Snow sports equipment (3)

04/13/2021

1. 2. 3. 4. 5.

QUICK QUIZ

How many eggs does the average chicken lay per year? What fruit is most commonly used as a replacement for 5 a weed pipe? 6 13/04/21, 4:14 PM Who is the Queen’s youngest child? Charles Dickens wrote A Tale of Two Cities. What are7the two cities? What is the colloquial name for a cask of wine? 2

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SUDOKU

3 6

Sudoku.cool

Easy

7 4

8 7

2 7

MAZE

04/13/2021

QUIZ ANSWERS:

1. 260 2. Apple 3. Prince Edward 4. London and Paris 5. A goon

20. Information (4) 21. Tomato sauce (7) 25. Bewitch (7) 27. Combination of coffee and chocolate (5) 28. Slow-moving invertebrate (5) 29. Fictional characters who live in the Shire (7) 30. ‘Dunedin’ comes from the Gaelic name for this European city (9)

Sudoku - Hard

oku - Easy

ACROSS 1. Iconic O-week event (4,5) 7. Obvious (7) 8. Shade of blue (5) 9. Fits in front of these words to make three Dunedin places: street, liquor, river (5) 10. Trash panda (7) 13. Speak quietly (7) 16. Sad (4) 18. Prize (5)

7 8

9 1

7 5

8 1

1 5

Hard

https://sudoku.cool/sudoku/printable-hard-sudoku.php

target is to create 6The 9 7as many words of14 letters or more, using the letters once only and always

3 4

including the letter in the middle of the wheel.

7 8

4 7

4 5

1 2

3 9

Credit: Critic and Ciara White

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horoscopes Aquarius:

Aries:

Using your phone as a torch to investigate what’s going on down below will result in you accidentally taking a photo and uploading it to your family cloud. Be a bit careful, eh?

Have you checked your account this week? It’s lower than usual because of your decision to shout everyone drinks. Just stop. Your loan is big enough as it is.

Cancer:

Capricorn:

You’ve got some wonderful winter clothes but don’t wear them on sunny days this week as you have a nasty UTI brewing (I’m talking about those pants that hug your groin).

Do your dishes or else they will get put in your bed – which will be fucking awkward when you bring someone home this weekend…

Gemini:

Leo:

Keeping condoms in your pocket doesn’t make your chances of getting laid any higher on a night out. Try leaving your shirt open this week.

Just because the T-sauce is communal amongst your flatties doesn’t mean that consuming half the bottle is okay. Try being considerate this week with more than just sauce.

Libra:

Pisces:

Sex can be found in some odd places. If you’re after some, give a cutie the eyes in the library and invite them to a bathroom stall this week – luck is in your hands ;)

You were doing so well! What happened? You were about to quit vaping but darts aren’t the best alternative option! Sleep in on Monday, you need it.

Sagittarius:

Scorpio:

What’s worse than one’s love for manipulation? You being manipulated. Be sceptical this week, you haven’t done anything wrong except for being too easy to manipulate.

If you are worried about the stank of your genitalia this week, please go get that STD check that you’ve been putting off for fucks sake.

Taurus:

Virgo:

Get your head out of the gutter, perhaps you’ll figure out the fact that your flatties are hiding toilet paper rolls in their rooms and that is why you are having to top up the TP hoard.

No one likes a money complainer who clotheshops up a storm. Just admit you have a problem and move on.

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