ASSIV
MASSIVE
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21 March 2022
Editor - Mason Tangatatai
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News
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Features Aotearoa Needs Constitutional Transformation
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The Stupid Things That Make Us Smile
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Being Alive is Expensive
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Going the Distance
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Columns Worst of the Worst
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Sexcapades
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Massey Confessions
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Te Reo and NZSL
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Solicited Advice
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Horoscopes
34
Snapchats
35
Puzzles
36
Presidents Column
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Designer - Marie Bailey
Sub Editor - Jamie Mactaggart Feature Writer - Aiden Wilson
Editoral
News Editor - Elise Cacace
News Reporter - Sammy Carter
Illustrator - Kimi Moana Whiting
Culture Editor - Elena McIntyre-Reet
Feature Writer - Mia Faiumu
Illustrator - Sara Moana
Feature Writer - Lily Petrovich
Photographer - Amelia Radley
AT’S IN Speak up students, no one else will
Complaining is one of my favourite things to do. There’s no better feeling than having a problem, complaining about the problem, then doing fuck-all to solve it. It’s my guilty pleasure, but one that I know will endlessly screw me over during my lifetime.
Taking action is an underrated skill - and one that I urge you to practice as a student. We have a beautiful democratic system in Aotearoa that allows us to speak our mind, and solve our problems through change. The holy word we are looking for is advocacy. Advocacy, in simple terms, is using your voice as an individual, or a collective, to create meaningful systematic change. Advocacy is particularly important in uncertain times, like we are living in today. Massey University, and other bodies of power, reiterate that they want to engage with students, but when asked why, far too often the answer is that “youth are the future” or that we “need to empower the future leaders”. Both of these statements fail to recognise the agency young individuals have, and the proximity we have to problems that affect us the most. Something I’ve always found interesting is that universities are for-profit organisations, and making money will likely hold precedent over addressing and solving student issues. This leads to blatantly unfair systems, a lack of support, and little communication between themselves and students.
Are you happy with the education being provided? Do you think the University is doing enough to support students during Covid-19? If not, speak up. Students are in a unique place where advocacy services are just a fingertip away. Each campus (plus distance) has a students’ association that has dedicated advocacy staff, who want to help YOU. So, as you lay in bed and think about the week you have ahead of you, take the time to reassess how the University - an institution supposed to support you and your ambitions - is really treating students. And if you find something you don’t believe is right, use your voice and start advocating (or contact me and we can write a scathing story!).
Kia manahau, Mason Tangatatai
21 MARCH 2022
MASSIVE NEWS
WHAT’S GOING ON? WEEKLY NEWS UPDATES
ASA By-Election Heats Up Elise Cacace (She/Her)
All students currently enrolled at Massey Albany are able to vote in the upcoming election but must sign up as an ASA member first. Voting will take place online through the ASA website. “We are still in the process of finalizing the eligibility of all the candidates, so that could mean that there will be no campaigning for some of the roles. We are not too sure how it will look just now,” said Ben.
Massey University’s Auckland campus is currently in the process of electing a new students’ association committee for 2022 (ASA). The role of a students’ association is to ensure that all students have a voice, important issues Last year’s students’ association across campus are addressed and addressed many key issues within the academic standards maintained. university that will be “carrying over” to the new committee. Ben said, “When Candidate nominations for the byI came into the role at the beginning election closed on 11 March, leaving of last year, the previous exec had just 10 days of campaigning before done a lot of work and still had a lot voting takes place from 21 to 23 March. more to go. It’s not like a one and done The new elected committee will then year-long project, everything is really take office on 29 March. continuous.” “We are planning on doing a meet the candidates thing,” said current Co-President Ben Austin. Students across the Albany campus will get to hear candidates speak and have an opportunity to ask any questions before voting begins. The senior roles up for election are President, Cultural Officer, Education Officer and Engagement Officer. Significant honorariums are offered for each of these positions, with the President role being offered up to $20,400 gross annum.
Regarding key issues that the 2021 committee has addressed, the CoPresident said, “I guess the biggest one internally within the Association would be the MUSAF merger. That is combining all of the associations into one big one where there’s a lot of parity between the associations. This ensures students have equal and equitable experiences across any uni campus that they’re on. “We’ve also done quite a lot of work with Massey regarding [Covid-19]. Putting support structures in place
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within the associations and within Massey University as a whole to ensure that students are getting the help that they need during these unprecedented times. Massey has been very responsive and has taken a lot of our advice on board. “From technology access through to mental health support, to making sure students in halls actually have food and opportunities to leave halls last year during [Covid-19]. There is just a lot of really cool things happening that students don’t really think about.” For students interested in becoming a future Massey representative but are not quite sure about upholding one of the senior positions, Ben said “there are a bunch of different roles with a bunch of different hours and workloads. Definitely see where you can fit in, whether that’s volunteering or being on the executive committee or even just sitting on a board. It’s definitely a worthwhile experience … Literally anyone can do it, as long as you’re a student when you put your nomination forward.” For Ben, the best part of being in a student association is “the sense of helping the community. Knowing you’re a part of something bigger than just yourself, and that even if I changed one student’s life for the better, I have succeeded.”
21 MARCH 2022
MASSIVE NEWS
Feeling positive but testing negative? Perhaps you’re RAT testing wrong. Elise Cacace (she/her)
For the past two years, being tested for Covid-19 meant having a stick shoved so far up your nose it felt like it was touching your brain. Polymerase chain reaction (PCR) tests have been the primary method of detecting positive Covid-19 cases for around two years, but with the significant increase in recent case numbers, the efficiency of these tests has dramatically decreased. Rapid antigen testing (RATs), a fast response, do-it-yourself Covid-19 test has now become the primary method of detecting Covid-19. RATs have significantly eased the pressure on PCR testing, speeding up the entire process and helping to confirm thousands of positive cases every day where PCR tests would struggle to do so. Although RAT tests are winning in the speed department, their accuracy levels are sub-standard next to their PCR counterparts. Many people
have been testing negative with RATs despite being Covid-19 positive, which leads to unnecessary community transmission. “I hung out with friends who had positive close contacts after they said they tested negative on RAT a few times. I then came down with [Covid-19], so I think that there is a big possibility that some people aren’t testing properly or maybe the viral load just takes more time to show up on some people than others,” said recent graduate student, Courtney Purcell. “I automatically assumed the RAT test should be done in the same way the PCR is. I was trying to push this swab as far up my nose as I could handle, but it turns out that’s not how it’s done at all,” said Naoko Ito, a Massey design student. Microbiologist and expert Siouxsie Wiles said, “My top tip is to go low and slow. Basically, what you don’t want to do is be heading up towards your brain, you want to head right back, kind of straight. Remember, low and slow.” A government-issued instruction manual on RAT testing suggests inserting the swab only 2-3 cm from the edge of your nostril, then slowly rolling the swab five times over the surface of each nostril. Once the
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swab has been taken, place it into the extraction vial and rotate it vigorously at least five times. Remove the swab by rotating it against the vial, while squeezing the sides to release liquid from the swab. Once the vial is closed, flick the bottom of the tube before squeezing the required number of drops from the kit instructions onto the test. Asides from not testing correctly, falsenegative tests are also being produced because there is not enough viral load for the test to detect. A key thing to remember is that symptomatic doesn’t always mean infectious. For vaccinated people, symptoms kick in quickly after exposure despite high levels of the virus not having entered the body yet. Therefore, many people are reaching for a test too soon to produce a positive result. For the unvaccinated, symptoms are slower to show yet the virus grows faster. This is because the body’s immune response is slower to react to the virus. Siouxsie Wiles recommends that, if showing symptoms, you “do get a test straight away, because if you do have enough virus there then it will detect it. If it comes back negative but you still have symptoms, then wait a day or so and try another test.”
21 MARCH 2022
MASSIVE NEWS
Got Fresher Flu? It’s Probably Covid Sammy Carter (she/her)
Fresher flu is the ill-famed sickness that comes after drinking till 3am for a week straight. But this year, fresher flu isn’t a typical cold, it’s Covid-19. As cases grow, many students have been confusing their Covid-19 symptoms for fresher flu, the nonmedical term for drinking till you drop. However, Deputy Chair of the New Zealand Medical Association and Christchurch GP, Dr. Vanessa Weenink, said, “If you think you’ve got fresher flu, you’ve probably got Covid.” “It doesn’t surprise me that people are getting them mixed up.” Weenink said you can’t tell the difference between fresher flu and Covid-19 because “it’s one in the same”. She said that
Covid-19 symptoms are usually “a headache, sore throat, and tiredness. Those are really common for a cold and that’s what people call a fresher flu.” Weenink advised students to assume their fresher flu is Covid-19, because it most likely is. Fresher flu is not simply a cold, it can be “one of 100 viruses that cause cold symptoms”, the most prevalent right now being Covid-19. “The reason people get fresher flu is because a whole lot of people come from all parts of the country and they bring together viruses that they’re carrying.” Healthcare workers see the same pattern of students coming together and getting exposed to new viruses each year. Weenink said late nights, alcohol consumption and a “general exchange of aerosols” AKA partying hard, means your body is less likely to fight off a virus. Weenink said, “We’re seeing huge numbers in the student populations of Covid, we know that there’s a lot going around … as soon as we heard that it
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had got into the halls of residence, we just knew it would spread like wild fire.” A Ministry of Health spokesperson said, “Early symptoms of the Omicron variant are a sore or scratchy throat and a runny nose. Even if a student thinks these symptoms could be related to something else, including the ‘fresher flu’, we would still urge them to get a test, considering the rapid spread of Omicron.” “The prevalence of fresher flu sickness is increased by students living in close proximity and other social behaviours that increase the transmission of viruses.” The spokesperson said fresher flu is “thought to be caused by a newly encountered viral illness”. The Ministry acknowledged the liveliness of the start of uni, “but reminds students that we are living in a pandemic, and everyone needs to play their part to reduce the spread of the virus”.
21 MARCH 2022
MASSIVE NEWS
title Elise Cacace (She/Her)
body
E H T T WHA
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Aotearoa Needs Constitutional Transformation. Mia Faiumu (she/her)
On Waitangi Day, as many enjoyed a public holiday thanks to the official founding document of Aotearoa, Te Pāti Māori reminded the country that there is much more to be done in the upholding of Te Tiriti o Waitangi. Through an online petition, party co-leaders, Rawiri Waititi and Debbie Ngarewa-Packer, called for the removal of the British Royal Family as head of state, as well as for the creation of a Te Tiriti centric Aotearoa through constitutional transformation. “The only way this nation can work is when Māori assert their rights to self-management, self-determination and self-governance over all our domains. Our vision is for constitutional transformation that restores the tino rangatiratanga of tangata whenua in this country,” explained Debbie Ngarewa-Packer in previous media statements. Co-leader Rawiri Waititi has also commented that, “… we’ve got to get over ourselves and actually move Tangata Tiriti into their rightful place with Tangata Whenua, to start building a Tiriti centric Aotearoa.” I spoke with Wellington City Councillor Tamatha Paul, who says, “the Royal Family has done very little for Aotearoa and have certainly done very little for Māori as well.” “If we removed the Royal Family, we’d be able to explore our own constitutional arrangements and what Te Tiriti would look like if it was a foundation for everybody,” Tamatha explains. She says that this could have really positive impacts for everybody, Māori, Pākehā and tauiwi.
What relevance does the Queen have in our lives as New Zealanders? In a recent Newshub research poll, the question to was posed to readers, ‘when Queen Elizabeth is no longer Queen, should New Zealand break away from the Commonwealth and become a republic?” 48 per cent of New Zealanders responded that they wanted to keep the power of the Royal Family, while 36.4 per cent stated they thought it was time for Aotearoa to move on, and 15.6 per cent said that they didn’t know. Implementing constitutional transformation would require a national referendum to determine the final authority. If we take this Newshub poll to be reflective of the general population, it would appear that the majority of New Zealand wants the Crown to keep their position as head of state indefinitely. 48 per cent is therefore a pretty disheartening figure, but this should not define the level of urgency this issue is given. As our right to call Aotearoa home is purely based on Te Tiriti o Waitangi, all non-Māori should be actively working to bring constitutional transformation into mainstream discourse. To gain some further insight, I sat down with some young people across Aotearoa to understand what the youth perspective on constitutional transformation actually is. When asked what impact the Royal Family has on their daily lives, responses varied from ‘none at all’ to acknowledging that we receive a public holiday on the Queen’s birthday, that she appears on our money, or that they enjoyed the Prince Phillip memes when he died. “The Crown means nothing to us. The Crown has only been ever been a negative frankly,” stated 22-year-old, Trinity Scott. It was apparent that the common consensus from those I talked to appeared to be one of confusion regarding what the Queen’s role in Aotearoa actually is, and questioned New Zealand’s desire to hold onto outdated traditionalist beliefs.
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As was spoken to by 22-year-old Ella Logan, “Continuing relationships with the Crown is just holding onto our history of colonisation rather than moving forward.” “I think it’s time to create a constitution that is correct for our country and the cultures that are within it.” Aotearoa, as outlined in Te Tiriti o Waitangi, is a bicultural nation, with the rights of tauiwi being based upon a partnership that respects the rights of tangata whenua to have self-determination, self-management and selfgovernance over their lands. If we are to honour the true biculturalism of this country, it is time to listen to the Te Pāti Māori and begin to have some serious conversations about constitutional transformation. There needs to be a meaningful commitment to decolonisation within this country if we are to acknowledge our colonial past. Alongside that needs to come serious consideration of why we continue to provide space for symbols of colonisation within positions of power and prestige.
In March 2022, it is obvious that progression has not succeeded at the rate proposed by Matike Mai. As we get further away from the original goals of the Matike Mai Report, it becomes ever more imperative that the government starts to listen. Te Pāti Māori already have a mana motuhake policy which outlines actions to be taken to initiate constitutional transformation. Debbie Ngarewa-Packer has stated that the “Mana Motuhake Policy is a revolutionary plan which includes establishing a Māori Parliament & implementing all Matike Mai recommendations for constitutional transformation. We would overhaul the Treaty settlement process [and] return land to whānau, hapū & iwi.” The policy document firstly acknowledges the three clauses from Te Tiriti o Waitangi that reaffirmed Māori precolonial mana motuhake rights. As written on Te Pāti Māori policy document, these are: The first article of the covenant awarded custodianship of Aotearoa to the Crown. It did not award ownership.
I am hopeful that as our rangatahi grow older and move into impactful careers, that our resistance to tackle constitutional transformation will shift and move into a more progressive phase of true Treaty partnership.
The second article put beyond all doubt the assertion of Rangatiratanga – the right of Māori to have total control and governance of all their domains.
Those I spoke to seemed to genuinely believe in the possibility of a constitution that would enable us to see a future in which Te Tiriti o Waitangi is honoured in a meaningful and impactful way.
A transformative, transparent constitution Matike Mai Aotearoa, the Independent Working Group on Constitutional Transformation, led by Moana Jackson and Margaret Mutu, held 252 hui for over 10,000 tangata whenua to discuss the importance of constitutional transformation. In 2016, they released their report which included a range of recommendations. These included a plan for iwi, hapū and lead Māori organisations to be initiating dialogue with the Crown and local authorities about the need for and possibilities of constitutional transformation in 2021.
The third article asserted that Māori would be treated equally with all non-Māori. As these clauses have been breached from their initial signing, Te Pāti Māori have therefore presented twelve policy commitments that would transition Aotearoa into a truly bicultural nation. These include the establishment of a Māori Parliament and the implementation of all Matike Mai recommendations for constitutional transformation. “[Article three of Te Tiriti] says that Māori and non-Māori will have the same outcomes and opportunities as each other and that’s really important,” says Tamatha Paul. “I think tikanga Māori can underpin more equitable outcomes and that’s recognising that everyone has mana even if we disagree with them, even if they have done harm, they still have mana.”
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Te Mahara Swanson Hall continues this, stating, “Ultimately Te Tiriti reaffirms our mana motuhake, the second article, the assertion of tino rangatiratanga reaffirms the rights of hapū to have total control and governance of all their own domains.” Te Mahara says she was in primary school when the government signed away rights for deep sea oil drilling on the East Coast in her iwi, Te Whānau a Apanui. She explains that Te Whānau a Apanui is an iwi which relies heavily on the moana and whenua as a source of kai. It wasn’t until 2018 that deep sea oil drilling was offically banned, after eight years of her iwi protesting againt major oil companies. This is a direct example that shows the complete disregard and disrespect that is shown to the tino rangatiratanga of Māori under our current constitutional arrangements. “I have no doubt that our tīpuna have been envisaging the need for constitutional transformation ever since the Crown first failed to uphold Te Tiriti back in 1840,” says Te Mahara Swanson Hall.
“They’re not even giving a fraction of what constitutional transformation would require, which would require them to actually give some land back and pay their dues and acknowledge their not so clean and pretty past of colonisation.” It is easy for our PM to disregard the possibility of transformation to our constitution, as the current arrangement suits Pākehā New Zealand quite well. These arrangements are blatantly tilted and are creating unequitable outcomes that need to be addressed. The Government needs to put in the work to honour their obligations as Treaty partners and effectively put Te Tiriti into action. There can be no more excuses. “For Māori, every day that passes by without it is another stolen acre of whenua; another Māori baby uplifted from their mother; another Māori woman incarcerated; another Māori man made homeless. The matter is urgent and it’s up to us all to give this conversation the mana it deserves,” says Tamatha Paul.
Constitutional transformation, as Margret Mutu says, is required to reinstate the balance between mana motuhake and British kāwanatanga. This offers a very necessary situation in which the balance that has been disrupted by ongoing processes of colonisation has the opportunity to be renewed though a reinstatement of tino rangatiratanga that was guaranteed in Te Tiriti o Waitangi. Despite this, the Prime Minister herself has commented that constitutional transformation is not of urgency during her time in Parliament and therefore will not act on this issue. “To the government this may not seem like a matter of urgency, but when your country’s urgent matters are flow on effects of a Tiriti that hasn’t been upheld, the majority affected being Māori, it is important to listen to the thousands of tangata whenua that have called for transformation,” says Te Mahara Swanson Hall. Tamatha Paul says the Prime Minister’s response is not surprising.
Remember this as you move forward with your day. Initiate those meaningful conversations, expand your Te Tiriti knowledge, fight for change in any way you can. For non-Māori, it is our duty, as guests on this whenua, to respect the foundational document that determines our right to call Aotearoa home.
“It’s only non-Māori that see it as non-urgent because constitutional transformation would ask more of our government and its leaders than they’re currently giving,” she explains.
We need to work towards a future that envisages constitutional transformation at the forefront of mainstream politics.
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The Stupid things that make us smile We live in quite a world. Riots, disease, war, and global warming: it’s a lot. These are absolutely things we need to address and talk about, but sometimes it can get a bit overwhelming, and we can lose sight of all the beauty and good in the world. One thing the initial shock of lockdowns brought us in 2020 was a reminder of how much we actually do have to lose. As restrictions lifted, we hugged our friends tighter, appreciated the energy of life, and for once we were happy to stop and smell the flowers. Over time the smell of the flower has grown dull, and we’ve been thrown back into a fiery wave of cynicism. While cynicism may be well earned, it’s not always the most helpful state to be in; it sure is good at blocking out gratitude.
Here are eight silly little things we should take more time to enjoy.
Lily Petrovich (she/they) Illustrated by Marie Bailey
Nature Nature is pretty cool, we really don’t know how long it’s gonna last, so we best cherish every damn second we get to spend out there. Over billions and billions of years, nature has evolved to be the way it is today. Flowers burst with beautiful smells and colours to attract animals. Incredibly complicated systems have formed through evolution to give us what we have today. Nature is really one of the best things we can appreciate. Even if you’re living in a concrete jungle there are pockets of beauty, clusters of bush or openings of water, and that shit makes city life a little more tolerable. Covid-19 taught us to appreciate our social lives because we never know when that shit will slip out of our fingertips. Like this, nature is something we could one day lose and God damn we would regret not finding joy in it while we could. Appreciate the bloody trees.
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The sky Technically speaking – yes, the sky is a feature of nature. But it’s almost its own subcategory, because there’s all of space up there. It’s changing all the time, sometimes there are balls of fluff dancing around up there, sometimes it’s completely clear. Other times shades of purple and red blend into a marvelous mess of colour. Sometimes taking a second to look up at the stars and smile can be what makes living in this world all worth it. Yes, there’s much more to life than just the stars but you gotta embrace any cinematic moment you live through. Plus, stars are like flying glow worms, except they’re giant and on fire; what’s not to find sick about stars?
Music Music! Music is so dope, we just yell things at different tones and create literal art? We all have our individual music tastes, and music holds a special place in many people’s hearts. It’s a very unique feature that cultures across the globe have embraced in so many different forms. We’re able to feel soft and fuzzy from the songs of our childhood, or hyped and ready to absolutely party when cranking the right tunes. As humans, we just enjoy music. It’s another one of the pleasures of life that also shouldn’t be taken for granted. As we age, our dancing and hearing abilities fade. So let’s appreciate what we got, while we got it.
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You can draw a face on anything This one is very silly but also great. We are very visual creatures. One of the most fun ways to play with this is just by drawing a face on anything. You do that and suddenly you can imagine this inanimate object as a lil cartoon living creature. Slap a face on your printer and it suddenly has a personality. You might find a coffee mug with a cute face and the mug is cute. How the fuck do humans have this ability? Visualisation can be very fun. Maybe it’s a bit childish but why not pretend you’re in a cartoon every now and then. Might as well give all the other cars on the road a persona when you’re stuck driving for hours.
Storytelling Our ability to bond and laugh over the things we’ve experienced as people is another thing that makes it all worth it. Have you ever been in a situation so tragic that it’s funny? This is because of storytelling, when tragic things happen, we know it will at least turn into a good story in a couple of weeks.
Colour We as humans really love colour. Going out creating art, theatre, architecture, fashion, all to appreciate colour. Would the sky or flowers be anywhere as magical if it weren’t for the beautiful colours they show us?
One of the biggest ways we bond is through sharing our experiences or other people’s stories. We understand things better when we’re told anecdotes, or when we have to put our experiences into words when sharing them. It’s a very exciting feature of life, especially when we surround ourselves with the right people.
We even have specific colours we like just because of how they look, it’s a very sweet little human thing. Patterns: so fun. Literally just different shapes of colour merging into one to create something we can all appreciate.
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Talents You could be the next Picasso if you really wanted to. We literally can fine tune anything we want to. Might be bloody hard, some things will be harder to us than to others, but if you actually were willing to put the time in, you could theoretically do anything. One of the most exciting feelings is getting into a long-time hobby and looking at your performance in comparison to when you started. If you know how to play the guitar, anytime you go have fun on that ol’ thing, you can literally see how much you’ve grown just by watching yourself play things you never would have been able to when you first started. The same goes for any other skill you might learn. Little You would probably be very impressed with what talents you have, even if you just see them as basic.
We kinda live in a sand box video game Nothing in life matters. One day everything you do will be forgotten, most of the things you already have done probably have been forgotten already. Honestly, one of the most fun ways to make your boring, sometimes mildy grim, life a little better is to just pretend it’s all a video game. Nothing we do will really matter in the long run, so you might as well live like it. You cooking a dinner? Boom bitch, it’s time to play Papa’s Pizzeria. You in a boring ass class? Nah man, we’re just playing Sims: University Life. There are also literal studies which show that workers are more efficient when playing work like it’s a game. Foldit is a game where you can play around with molecular structures. This game has led to freaking gamers solving things that scientists spent years struggling with. A real-world problem with a “game” mindset can make things much easier for our little brains to handle. Kinda like the whole skill thing, you just level up as a person, do your thing and slowly complete more quests and get more loot. Maybe it’s a slightly materialistic outlook but we might as well have fun while living in our fleshy person prisons.
Focusing on life’s bright sides is always important alongside addressing real issues with real implications. Yes, the world is looking kinda grim at the moment, but it would be a shame for things to end without appreciating what we can, while we can. 15 / Aronui
Being Alive is Expensive Elena McIntyre-Reet (she/her) Illustrated by Marie Bailey
We didn’t ask to be put on this earth, yet we still have to suffer under the crushing weight of capitalism, inflation, and the stock market. Petrol is sitting at over $3 a litre for those of us that can afford a road-worthy car, opshops have been gentrified, and a single cauliflower is $8. I’m not going to write a financial piece explaining the ins and outs of inflation because that’s boring and I’m hot. However, I will make a definitive list of stuff that costs far too much money for what it is. I’ll attempt to throw in a few little life hacks to make things slightly less crippling for your wallet.
Rubbish bags
Cheese
Now this one is just for my Welly readers, but a bag of five rubbish bags for collection costs $16 at most supermarkets which is just heinous. I’m not saying we should be producing a lot of waste, I’m all for recycling and composting but rubbish is still a part of life and it shouldn’t cost so much to simply get rid of your Macca’s rubbish before your mum comes over for dinner and shames you (just me?). My fun little money-saving hack is to take a paper bag of rubbish to the petrol station and using their bins to cut down on my rubbish costs. This clever little trick is immediately canceled out when I fill up and then go inside and spend my hard-earned money on little snacky snacks at the counter.
Obviously cheese had to be on this list. I’m a whore for a cheese toastie (specifically Edam), but it doesn’t taste as good knowing that a block of that stuff is $12. This is a dark secret, but I’ve resorted to plastic cheese. The chemical look it has when it melts is more than a little concerning, but I guess it tastes kind of similar? I did one quick Google search and apparently the reason cheese costs so much money is because of The Economy. It went into a lot of detail about tax and import costs and other stuff that just bored me to tears. Basically, it’s expensive and will probably stay expensive, so it’s time to go vegan - or start eating plastic cheese.
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Car stuff
A good bra
Why the fuck are tyres so expensive? I don’t understand it and I don’t accept it. I understand that it’s important to have good tyres so you’re safe on the road and don’t kill yourself or anyone else on the road. However, I would really appreciate it if those things weren’t $150 a pop. For women especially, walking into a traditionally male-dominated space and hoping they don’t rip you off is a classic dilemma. Most tyre places have a website where you can look up your registration and it will tell you all the possible tyres for your car. If you scroll a little bit, you’ll find the cheapest entry-level tyres. Usually if you ring up and book, they’ll try and upsell you for a tyre with a ‘higher performance’ which you almost definitely don’t need. Work smarter, not harder, girlbosses.
This one is for my boob-having people, bras are fucking expensive. A good one will set you back at least $60. If you manage to find a cheap one, there’s no guarantee that it will fit you the way a bra of the exact same size from another brand will. Honestly, I don’t have much of a solution for the price of bras, but there are a few ways to find cheaper ones. My personal favourite option is complaining to my mum about how expensive bras are, and hoping that she’ll take me shopping to make up for the fact that she cursed me with boobs. Usually, she’ll splash out and get me a couple. The only downside is she tries to suggest hideous bras and also, she insists I get measured every single time, which doesn’t get any less awkward. Another option is to hit up the outlet stores. Have a Google and see if there’s any nearby, usually they have mark-downs on decent bras and you can get yourself a steal. When you find a bra you like, buy a couple to avoid frequent trips to the hellscape that is bra shopping.
Mirrors Being so drunk that you go to the bathroom just to stare at yourself in the mirror and figure out if you’re real is one of life’s simple pleasures. The price of vanity is not cheap, a good mirror that doesn’t warp you so you look like Slenderman is quite hard to come by. A good quality full-length mirror costs around $100 which is just obscene. Those Instagram story fit checks require a healthy investment in a quality mirror. I don’t have any solutions to get around this, but I’d recommend skulking around Facebook Marketplace and finding someone doing a MOVING OUT SALE EVERYTHING GOING CHEAP post. That’s my best advice.
There’s obviously so many other things that cost far too much money, like buying a house and cauliflower. However, these few things really grind my gears because they’re generally things you need to be alive. Essentially, capitalism is hell and we can’t escape it. Go look for a 2-for-1 bra deal and take your rubbish to the petrol station. Godspeed and good luck, my friends.
17 / Karere
Illustrated by Kimi Moana Whiting
For a brief, shining moment in the year of 2020 all of us got to have the distance experience. And once again in 2021, we were all allowed to have it once again. For some, this experience is all they have ever known. For others, they’ve seen what life on campus is like and for whatever reason have switched to distance study of their own accord. Today, we gather intelligence, insight, and information from some of these people. And with their intel, we will find out why these students are:
GOING THE DIST
Take a shot every time you read the word “distance” i In terms of current study situation, I am a distance learner. Whilst I have the option to study on campus and could easily make my own way there and back every day, the stress of Covid-19, as well as exploring an always evolving state of alert levels in our country, prevents me from doing so. The ease of leaving my bed, making a coffee, then going straight to my desk to begin study has been incredibly beneficial to me. Aside from not needing to lug my books and laptop on the bus, it means I can create my own learning environment in which I feel safe and comfortable. It also means I can drink during lectures, which I totally wouldn’t do as I’m a good student, and I am certain that every reader of Massive would also abstain from doing this. The switch from distance to on campus learning halfway through 2020 was a breath of fresh air, one that not every student will have had. For many, Massey is an experience which has been had solely behind a computer screen. Today, we put a spotlight on our distance students, and find out from a few how it is to study the way they study.
2 / Aronui
TANCE
“The ultimate benefit is that you can study in your PJs in bed with a hot cup of coffee without the rush to get to classes around campus. It ultimately brings more freedom around how you wish to study and I think it’s great.” To be able to just pull lectures up on your computer whenever you’re able is one of the greatest benefits of distance. Universities in general have historically been ableist institutions and there have been so many barriers for certain people.
in this.
The Good
“Just as a few examples, distance study opens up opportunities for:
I believe we all have an image that comes to mind when we hear the term “work from home”. For me, it’s walking round in my PJs, studying from my bed, and having naps during my breaks. While that all sounds super enticing, there are other reasons as to why someone would study via distance.
•
I gathered some insights from a few different students about their own experiences studying distance, starting with the positives. “I have been really grateful for the flexibility that distance learning has offered me. Now that I’m postgrad and juggling classes with higher workloads, independent research, increased work commitments, volunteer work, and all the trials and tribulations of adult life (not to mention all of this happening during a global pandemic), distance study is what has kept me sane (and has allowed for essential 3pm nana naps).” “Massive savings in time. Having to come all the way into campus for a two-hour lecture that ends 15 minutes early and consists of 40 minutes of ‘talk between yourselves’ is exhausting. I thank the distance gods for the x2 button on my recorded lectures.”
• • •
Disabled people (I’m talking invisible disability as well – chronic pain, chronic fatigue, mental illness/distress, etc.). People who have children to care for and can only study at night. Those who work full-time and can only study on weekends. Those who live rurally or in small towns, for whom travelling into campus isn’t possible.”
“Distance study has made postgrad study an accessible option for me – I can work my study around my job and other commitments.” I’d say it’s safe to assume that many of our distance students would not be able to study if distance learning was not an option. From the answers I received, it’s easy to see that convenience and comfort are huge benefits to studying distance, alongside being very valid reasons to do so. Alongside that, distance also helps those who may had difficulty getting to university campus facilities to be able to further their education in an easy and less stressful manner.
23 / Aronui
“The Bad” Distance learning is not all peaches and gravy though. Regardless of how simple and lovely distance study sounds, it presents its own challenges to students which can be just as tough as those faced by the on-campus crowd. “Distance learning has made university both easier and tougher. The advantage is I can study when I want in my own space, the disadvantage is not getting to socialise face to face and not getting to participate in on-site clubs.” Socialisation is such an important part of the university experience, and while there are work arounds through FaceTime study dates, joining online study groups and the like, sometimes face to face interaction cannot be substituted. In saying this, the distance Facebook groups are fantastic, and I highly recommend you join if you’re studying distance.
Shout out to Massey@Distance xoxoxo Many students only have distance learning as their viable option for tertiary study, so if you’re not actively engaging with others via Stream or Facebook, it can start to feel like you’re alone in your struggle with study.
The Insightful For any students who are studying on campus during these trying times, that are perhaps thinking of switching to distance studies for part of or the remainder of their degree, here’s some advice direct from two dedicated distance leaners! “Make use of the Facebook groups that exist for Distance students! Massey@Distance is probably the biggest one, but there’s area-specific and subject-specific groups too. It’s an easy way to increase feelings of connection and community, and the support I’ve gotten from classmates in completely different towns is what got me through my undergrad and now postgrad. Even if you don’t use Facebook (totally valid), creating an account for the sole purpose of just using these groups is an extremely smart idea.” “Distance learners, keep going. The road is going to be one hell of a rocky road. However, like all roads, the rocks eventually end and it is smooth sailing from there onwards. That smooth sailing is you receiving your certificate for all the hard work you put in. If you think you would be better suited to studying distance based due to more freedoms but less traditional learning experiences, go distance.”
Our distance learners make up such a massive (lol) part of the Massey community, whether they’ve never stepped foot on campus or have switched to studying via distance partway through their degree. In a way, our distance learners have to work harder than the rest of us. Some are taking care of their family, raising kids, or working full-time jobs alongside trying to complete their degrees. Some are halfway across the world. And some are, like me, feeling the struggles and anxieties that living in Aotearoa’s Covid-19 era brings. Regardless of their personal situations, the amount of selfcontrol a distance student needs to have is nothing short of insane. Sometimes the hardest part of the study is just focusing on the screen in front of you. Because believe me, it isn’t easy to study when your PS4 is just down the hall and the beer fridge is over stocked and needs to be emptied.
24 / Aronui
worst of the worst
movie reviews Every week I’ll be watching the worst rated movies on Rotten Tomatoes so you don’t have to. I’ll be doing one every week until the final issue where I’ll review the worst movie ever made (according to a random article I found). What are my qualifications you ask? I took Introduction to Media Studies in my first year and got a B average, so I think I know what I’m talking about. I’m going to watch each of these movies and decide whether it is rightfully on the worst movies of all-time list, based on my expert opinion.
This week’s terrible movie is Look Who’s Talking Now from 1993. It stars the one and only John Travolta, as well as Danny DeVito, who plays a talking dog. It essentially has everything I look for in a movie to review, talking dogs and actors I actually recognise the names of. Look Who’s Talking Now is the final installment of the Look Who’s Talking trilogy. I am an excellent investigative journalist and I always research my stories heavily, so I watched some clips from the first two movies. They actually seemed really good, so I don’t know where they went wrong. The whole series centers around a middle-class family with two kids. In the first two movies, the kids are too young to talk so they do a voiceover of their thoughts. In this one, they can talk for themselves. Go team!
Elena McIntyre-Reet (She/Her)
Now this movie is the third installment of a romantic comedy trilogy, so naturally they had to throw in some marital problems in for the sake of plot. There are implications of an affair and a sneaky mistress, but the main focus of the film is the talking dog. Enter: Danny DeVito. Mr. DeVito plays Rocks, a scruffy little boy who just wants to be loved. He can talk and he begs Mikey (the son) to take him home. Chaos ensues. Now, the plot of this movie is all over the place. It seems the charm of the first two movies was the hilarious inner monologue of the two kids in the family. The talking dogs are pretty hilarious, and I’m a sucker for a How Much Is That Doggie in the Window origin story. The talking dog is stereotypical (and, dare I say, predictable) but I truly ate that shit up. Essentially, romantic comedies shouldn’t be sequels. The characters lose their charm when you attempt to give them depth and they just end up kind of unlikeable and annoying. However, throw in talking animals, one of whom is played by Danny DeVito, and you have my attention. Should they have made a third movie? No. Does it deserve to be listed as one of the worst movies of all time? No, I don’t think so. It’s definitely not a cinematic masterpiece but it’s also kind of charming and hilarious. I’m not going to watch it again but I don’t necessarily regret it, there are worse ways to spend an hour and 36 minutes.
28 / Rangitiak
SEXCAPADES
Top dog. As a gay man, it is always known that there is some “risk” involved when someone wants to ride the pogo stick. This experience haunts me, serves me right for being a pretentious slut. I was browsing for eligible bachelors on about four different dating apps, looking for someone to have some cheeky fun with. Swipe, swipe, swipe - bingo! My eyes locked on the perfect man. After hitting it off through text, we decided to meet and go out for a drink in Wellington’s Courtenay Place. We got to Chow and the sexual tension was instant, I think it was after he staunchly dapped the bouncer up that I was already turned on. He was one of those rare specimens that looked better in person - what a snack! From here, you know the story. We dabbled over each other’s life stories, got overly drunk and started whispering in each other’s ears. The conversation ended abruptly when he invited me back to his, I politely obliged and we were on our way. We kicked on a little at his Kelburn flat, but things started to heat up. Of course he was hung like a horse, this man’s cock was sculpted to perfection, in awe I did what any sex-starved individual would do, and got
to work. After him sliding it in, with me sitting on top, we started moving like a well oiled machine. It was amazing, potentially the best sex I have ever had. That was when the dreaded smell invaded my nostrils. My eyes started watering as the smell of regret, the smell of the butt truffles stunk out his bedroom. It was horrid. I instantly went silent and stopped. Embarrassingly, I had to get off, clenching my butthole while gritting my teeth as hard as I could, hoping that there was nothing, but expecting the worst. And let me tell you, It was the worst. I’m not sure what Chow fed us, I do recall some dodgy chicken skewers, but what was left on this man’s bed could be described as soft serve. He gagged, sprinted to the bathroom and slammed the door shut. Now this wasn’t convenient as I was covered in shit. For the next 115 minutes I could hear him throwing up as I kneeled in my own poop - how delightful! Luckily for me, he wasn’t that mad, just disgusted. When I was leaving he said a few words that made the situation all the bit better, it still sticks with me to this very day. “No hard feelings, It comes with the territory of being gay.”
What did I learn from this? Don’t go to Chow.
29 / Rangitaki
CONFESSIONS Everyone loves a scandalous confessions page. You’re never sure if what people saying is fake or not, but that’s what make these pages great. Massey Confessions is a facebook page based from the mighty Manawatū. These legends anonymously post unfiltered content from the very students you see in your classes every day. Below are a selection of some of the finest confessions over the summer, with a sprinkle of Massive commentary. Go and give the page a follow, you won’t regret it.
her flu, e new fres th t s ju is Covid-19 right :)
pprove Massive a
sage!
s this mes
you’ll be this, I give atmate like fl a ve ck them a h We all sion to cra is rm e p g readin everyone just once. in the jaw,
PHOTO 85 Ghuznee St, Te Aro, Wellington www.splendid.nz @splendid.nz 30 / Rangitaki
SOLICITED ADVICE
Solicited advice is a weekly column where an underqualified anonymous guru answers the questions you want answered. This won’t include the stock-standard, sugarcoated advice you’re used to hearing – we’re talking about the truths that are REALLY on your mind.
How to make cool tiktoks? Ah I see, a question as old as time itself. While I am a bit of a creator myself, I am yet to be launched into victoriaparis stardom. Anyway, as someone very much not qualified to comment (my post yesterday got 2 likes and one of them was me), I think that the key is to post stuff you’d like to watch. I feel like this applies to most things we create. This bitchy silly little column? I know I would read this. Seems highly goofy to make something and expect other people to digest it when you wouldn’t. Imagine inviting strangers to your house and feeding them dog food while you eat something yummy like tomato sauce on bread.
How to save money as a student? In terms of practical things to do, write out all your monthly/ weekly expenses and your income. Figure out how much you’re spending and what you’re spending too much money on (I went through a phase of spending like $50 a week on ice-cream while working three jobs lol). Figure out if your spending aligns with your values. For example, me eating $50 of ice cream did not align with my values, as I was brainwashed into wanting to be skinny. If you do the naughty act of transferring out of your savings, open a savings account with another bank and then it’s harder to do that, and puts a bit of distance between you and your bad decisions. And if worse comes to worse, just ask the bank to print more money. Bonus tip: never buy drinks in town. Binge drink before you get there. Most hospo bosses are evil! Deprive them of your money!
How to grow sex appeal? Hmmmm. I guess know your audience and know why you want to grow your sex appeal and go from there. We as humans have in intrinsic sex appeal and if you can expand on that, rather than manufacturer some, it’s going to come across as more authentic, and I for one think that authenticity is sexy. I remember in high school I’d read Creme and Girlfriend in the library and it would say to look up through your eyelashes at your desired partner, idk... maybe try that.
Do you have a question you’re dying to have answered? DM Massive Magazine on Instagram and look out for next week’s issue. Also, follow us while you’re at it x
32 / iRangtk
...
Horoscopes Capricorn
Aquarius
Pisces
You’ve enjoyed being a slob during isolation, but its time to seize the day! Get up off your ass and soak up the sun.
Keep gaslighting, gatekeeping and girlbossing. Don’t take shit from a single person, you’re past that.
For someone so critical, you should learn how to take criticism from others. You aren’t always right.
To numb the pain try: fresh air
To numb the pain try: manifestation
To numb the pain try: opening your mind
Aries
Taurus
Gemini
Stop giving people the benefit of the doubt! Just because his friends are sexist, homophobic and racist doesn’t mean he has to be!
You’re full of secrets. So mysterious no one can figure you out. Keep it that way, it makes life more interesting.
The assignment you’re working on right now, fuck it! Hand that bitch in and take a swig.
To numb the pain try: Dumping
To numb the pain try: Oversharing
To numb the pain try: A fruity cocktail
Cancer
Leo
Virgo
There’s this thing in life called boundaries. You should learn about them, apply them, and stop being a weird creep.
Slow down, don’t let life fluster you so easily. Things can wait. Prioritise what needs to be done first, then work your way through the rest.
I’ve never met a Virgo who wasn’t hot, cool, and smart. But keep that ego in check, that will take you from a 10 to a 2.
To numb the pain try: Maintaing a 20-metre distance at all times
To numb the pain try: Deep breaths
To numb the pain try: Humble pie
Libra
Scorpio
Sagittarius
Try choosing emotion over logic. You’re always the sensible friend, and that’s fucking boring! Let loose, baby.
You won’t get Covid, you won’t get Covid. Say it with me now, you won’t get Covid. Scorpios, be resilient and you’ll beat the odds.
Stop buying shit you don’t need! It’s been over a month since you moved in to your new flat, you have everything you need…
To numb the pain try: Three shots (for summer?)
To numb the pain try: Manifestation, again
To numb the pain try: Deleting TradeMe
34 / Rangitaki
MASSIVE_MAG MASSIVE
ODA T Y
MASSIVE
Send us snaps to get featured in next weeks edition
Breaktime time Break
Across 2. 8. 12. 13. 15. 16. 17. 21. 23. 26. 27. 28.
Board used in a seance (5) Speed limit in Wellington CBD (6) Old school coin-operated music machine (7) The bodies largest organ (4) How old is the queen? (10) Last name of New Zealand fast bowler, similar to bolt (5) A E I O U (6) Recently retired National politician (7) What happened to a journalism student at the protest? (8) Pregnant to A$AP Rocky (7) Alternative name for sausage, made famous by Bunnings (4) The type of flu for first year students (7)
36 / raingtak
Down 1. 3. 4. 5. 6. 7. 9. 10. 11. 14. 18. 19. 20. 22. 24. 25.
Married at first _ (5) “Give me a hoon of your _” (4) Italian sausage (7) The famous cat who migrated from Wellington to Auckland :( (7) Rugby, stompin on each other (4) A 3d square (4) The other guarantee in life, other than death (5) BIG tower in London (3) The spot to chill on the Manawatū campus (9) What do to if you test positive for Covid-19 (7) Shakespeare’s first name (7) Māori bread (6) Land in te reo (5) The animal who does kung-fu (5) This fairy give you 2 bucks each pop (5) Skin flaking off of scalp (8)
Triangular delta maze with 42 cells side
Get Lost
37 / Rangitaki
LAST WEEKS CROSSWORD ANSWERS 1 SPORK, 4 POUTINE, 5 CRAFT, 6 MARTINI, 8 DOMINOS, 9 WAI, 10 CHOPSUEY, 12 HELS, 15 BANANA, 18 RATA TOUILE, 19 POAKA, 20 SUPERWINE, 22 SCRUMPY, 25 JAM, 26 SEITAN, 29 ORANGE, 31 SPRITE, 32 DONUT DOWN: 1 SNOT, 2 REKA, 3 JULIENNE, 7 DICE, 1 STARFRUIT, 12 HANGI, 13 SANDERS, 14 BEERPONG, 16 NODLES, 17 LASAGNA, 19 PUF, 21 TUSSOCK, 23 CONFIT, 24 FISH, 26 SHOVEL, 27 MALIBU, 28 HIPO, 30 DAILY -
Word Wheel The target is to create as many words as possible from the letters within the Word Wheel.
Sudoku
Angelo ASA
Kai Ora, I’m Angelo, the Welfare Officer for the ASA. Among the horrors of 2021, we lost something great here at Massey Albany, the Ferguson. For any that aren’t aware, ‘Fergs’ was a staple of the Massey Albany experience. A one of a kind bar, that we will forever miss. With ‘Fergs’ gone, we at the ASA are eager to know what the students of Massey Albany would want the former ‘Fergs’ space to become. Below is a QR code for a two-question survey. We thank you for your feedback.
MARLA MUSA Kia ora koutou and happy week 4! Something that nobody tells you before Uni is that being a tertiary student can be more exhausting (mentally) than a laborious 9-5. I mean, being a student doesn’t end at 5pm. There’s no job to leave, no separate student laptop to log out of. Many of us stay up late studying, do all-nighters (which I wouldn’t recommend - unless you enjoy exhaustion) and it can feel isolating having your university success rely entirely on yourself. So here’s my advice. Involve yourself in the social part of the “student lifestyle” more! Try joining a club that’s piqued your interest (or start your own), try make a friend in class (even if it’s over zoom), attend an event (Tuesday Yoga, Online quiz nights and post-grad socials are regular MUSA fixtures) - or if you’re in isolation, try holding up signs behind your window to the neighbour next-door (Taylor Swift style) to get some social time in. You’ve got this! 38 / Rangitaik
ENTS Fiona and Lizzo MAWSA
Kia ora e ta whanāu, how have you been? Life is confusing right now and we kinda get it, we’re going through similar things at MAWSA. Reminder to y’all that we have hardship grants available AND advocacy services for confidential help. Or wanna spill tea anonymously? Head to our reporting form on our website. Also, how can we help you in iso? DM us or if you can, meet the team at Co-Lab between 9am - 1pm ! Let’s help each other out and in exchange, if you have pet photos please send them our way? We need daily dopamine :)
Hey Guys, I have never written a magazine column before so I suppose I should start by introducing myself firstly. I’m Sam and I am the new Vice President for Massey@Distance. I’m in my second year of a Bachelor of Health Science degree majoring in Mental Health and Addiction. One thing I discovered in my first year as a Massey Student and within my role as Class Advocate was the amount of Support Services offered.
Sam M@D
I highly recommend all students check out this section of the Massey website and make themselves aware of these. It’s beneficial for you as a student and gives the ability to give help to your peers. Happy studies everyone.
39 / Rangitaki