Massive Magazine Volume 02 Issue 04

THE VOICE OF MASSEY UNIVERSITY STUDENTS : ISSUE 04/ 2013 ANNE HELLIWELL DOG CONTROL GETTING HIGH THE UPBEATS

L O R R N E FO R E W T O N ES M 2 E S

Image from the 2013 filming of Massey’s new television commercial.

massey.ac.nz/sem2

FEATURES 16 Canine Criminalisation: How we’re Biting Back

20 Getting High: No Longer a Laughing Matter

24 The Face of the New New Zealand: Steve Maharey

29 Massive Photographic Feature: Visual Archeology

35 Harry The Hangover

38 Addicted to BASE: Anne Helliwell

44 3D Printing: Magic or Massacre?

48 Shifting Through Spaces

50 Feeling Upbeat About a Primitive Technique: The Upbeats

54 Dick Hardy: Game of Bones

REgulars

The Back

In Short

05

Columns

56

Local Notices

11

Reviews

60

Deathigan

64

Geofff Deathigan

64

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EDITOR Morgan Browne editor@massivemagazine.org.nz 0800 MASSEY ext. 62136 ART DIRECTION & DESIGN Sean Walker seanvictorwalker@gmail.com 0800 MASSEY ext. 62064 ADVERTISING & SPONSORSHIP Jacob Webb advertising@massivemagazine.org.nz 027 894 8000 LOCAL CAMPUS REPORTERS Albany – Tasmin Wheeler tasmin@massivemagazine.org.nz Manawatu/Extramural – Yvette Morrissey yvette@massivemagazine.org.nz CONTRIBUTORS Morgan Browne, Yvette Morrissey, Tasmin Wheeler, Charlie Mitchell, Bel Hawkins, Kyle Schubert, Graedon Parker, Josh Berry, Nathan Palairet, Dick Hardy, Claydan Krivan-Mutu, Anna Tabrum, Sarah Wymer, Ruth Chan, Brigitte Masters, Yasmine Jellyman, Jessica Frank, Camilla Riddiford, Nicole Canning, Ellen Walden ILLUSTRATORS & PHOTOGRAPHERS Charlotte McCrae, Max Scott-Murray, Brodie Nel, Ash Nel, Jacob Sparrow, Iain Anderson, Geofff Deathigan, Sean Walker.

Publisher massivemagazine.org.nz

ISSUE 02/ 2013 E d i to r i a l It’s that time of year again. The time of year when your nose starts running. When your throat closes over and you sound horribly similar to Darth Vader – and you’re sure it isn’t just a day-long, particularly shitty hangover.

When everyone is sneezing, snorting and sniffling during lectures and spreading their sicknesses all over everyone else. When exams are starting to creep closer in the horizon. When you desperately need to study, but the only cure and obvious chance of survival is to stay in bed with soup or tea, or else you just might die.

Welcome to Massey University in May/June. Not that it’s all bad. It’s also that time of the year when at the end of examination road comes holidays, and you can chase out those colds as quick as Aaron Gilmore got chased out of Parliament. Or spread them on to University of Auckland or Victoria University students.

As we have now sailed into the eye of the storm - so to speak - the MASSIVE staff also take a semi vacation in this time, with no June issue being produced. We’re now halfway through the magazine year, but not to worry – we’re still an active lot online. Make sure you find us on Facebook and check out our webpage for regular articles and everything else that’s MASSIVE, including our latest competitions for Facebook likers only. Currently, we’ve got an Ohakune Mardi Gras trip, complete with accommodation and transport – pretty sick! Meanwhile, we’re taking the magazine slow like Dick Hardy does with his dates and will release our

next issue in July, cranking straight into re-orientation.

MASSIVE will also have two new staff members on board next semester to kick us even further into our namesake. Check out the Manawatu and Wellington local pages if you want to join us.

Since Massey students are an adventurous and spontaneous lot, this issue’s feature interview is with a world BASE jumping legend, New Zealander Anne Helliwell, who was the first person to create a BASE specific parachute. This month, MASSIVE also investigates dog attacks and how they’re dealt with internationally, asks Vice-Chancellor Steve Maharey your questions, and chats about topical issues affecting students, alongside features with facts you may not have known about marijuana and hangovers. We’re proud to continue bringing stories from the English and Expressive Arts schools to you, with this month’s story, Shifting through Spaces, as well as talented Massey photographer Charlotte McCrae’s work for her final Honours exhibition, as seen in the regular photo feature.

On a more serious note - If Ryan Gosling doesn’t eat his cereal, then neither do I. All the best for your exams – may the force be with you.

Morgan Browne MASSIVE Editor

ISSN 2253-5918 (Print) ISSN 2253-5926 (Online) Come get some Free stuff facebook.com/MASSIVE.magazine Twitter: @massivemagnz Disclaimer: The views, beliefs and opinions reflected in the pages in MASSIVE magazine do not necessarily represent those of Massey University, its staff, Albany Students’ Association (ASA), Massey University Students’ Association (MUSA), Massey at Wellington Students’ Association (MAWSA), Extramural Students’ Society (EXMSS) or the MASSIVE editor.

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LETTERS

OLD FART SAYS “GET OFF YOUR ARSES” Dear Reader, MASSIVE (03/2013) was found by an ‘old fart’ at his daughter’s place, a student of today. It’s entertaining to read what ‘Hardy’ does with his ‘dick’, or how ‘cunt’ protected sex is. (p.50 + letters). Don’t get me wrong, I enjoyed the read and it’s surely the way to reach people in this consumer world.

In my day (70’s) there was no such thing as MASSIVE that told us how to have sex or protect us from the consequences of fucking Profs or tutors, or anyone else, but we did it anyhow. Getting an A+ from a Prof we would fuck was hardly worth talking about and I guess still isn’t because of the number of cases. My way of improving my chances of an A+ was that I discussed the selective nature of exams in my final exam and got an “upgrade” this way. Or I requested my oral examinations to be “public” (up to 20 students), so that others could see and hear what it was like and to protect me from arbitrariness.

We printed and wrote our own publications at Uni on our own machines, focusing on educating the mindless consumerism of society and of course the Vietnam War. Now the war veterans have become celebrities and heroes and we are given a holiday!

I had to join the army at 18 (compulsory service), unable to voice my objections in court because I was simply too innocent to do so then. Consequently I learned to set booby traps, lay mines and how to kill people.

Later as a student at Uni the famous Vietnam helicopters of my army days were replaced by the less bangy, smaller police choppers and when we heard them circling over town it meant a demo was on and we would run out of any lecture to join in.

Students got shot in the head by cops (Benno Ohnesorg) or were deported (Cohn Bendit), consequently some chose a ‘March through the Institutions” (becoming ministers in much later governments – Joschka Fischer), others turned to guns like Bader Meinhof, who in return were supplied with explosives by the Secret Service to prove their terrorist intent. Now the same warmongers on the top

call a bomb in the “wrong hands” a “weapon of mass destruction”. Nothing has changed. Only that you and me pay more for airport security than for the flight!

We have been taught to be humble and to point out “unfair” employment conditions (p.26) instead of boycotts. In the 60’s workers struck for pay rises of 30% not 3%. In the 70’s students in their tens of thousands demanded higher student payments rather than begging for student loans. Uni’s had only registration fees and we got by without selling ourselves to employers who naturally are trying to make a profit out of everything.

“Unfair”? What goes, goes! It applies to “drill it, frack it, mine it” or just sell what is not yours. It applies to private enterprise and our elected governments that sell the place under your arse. We are sitting on our arses all the time, that’s the problem!” (p.21) Jochen (keeping my second name to myself to protect my daughter) GIRL SEEKS SOME ‘MASSIVE’ LOVE Hey Massive I walked past you guys the other day and got help from the nice guy at the admin desk. I was just wanting to know if the designer, Sean, was single. Me and my friend thought he was a bit of a babe and keep peeking through the door to spy on him, hehe. Maybe he’ll notice and maybe be keen? Anyway – thanks for being such a cool magazine!

Just another shy girl

WHATEVER YOU DO, DON’T SHOOT A HOOKER WITH A CROSSBOW Hello Massive Magazine, It’s been a rough year for me. I come from a fairly well off family, with quite a bit of sway in the political sphere.

We are well regarded by some and hated by many, but we have always maintained a level of respect. My father was recently killed in a hunting accident, meaning that I’ve had to fill his shoes around the place. Bastard never taught me much about what he does though. Mother is a self-centred bitch who has never really been good for much other than manipulation and bringing children into the world – pity, she is pretty and could have been

MASSIVE welcomes letters of all shapes and sizes.

They should be preferably emailed to editor@ massivemagazine.org.nz although they can be dropped into any students’ association office. The editor reserves the right to edit, abridge or just plain bastardise them and can refuse any that are in bad taste or defamatory.

EVERY LETTER WINS! All letters receive a prize courtesy of MASSIVE magazine. This month, it is a 250g bag of Peoples’ Coffee. Email the editor to arrange collection of your prize.

a perfect wife for someone who cared for her more. My grandfather (her father) is an old prick who harps on about our family name and tries to control everything.

His sons (my uncles) are not much better. One is known for 2 things: some skill with weapons and betraying some promise he made. The other simply drinks, fucks and tries his hand at politics from time to time. I don’t care much for them. Here’s the clincher though, and the thing that really fucks with me: one of my uncles and mother are twins – apparently they’ve been fucking each other. What the fuck. And guess who I DON’T look like?

If this keeps up, I’m going to the Wall.

K. Joff IS HE DOWN FOR THE D? Dear Massive Is Guru gay or straight? He seems so witty and funny… my number one thing I look for in a guy. He seems to be compassionate and caring, as well as know how to rub me up the right way (if you get me). Do you think he would consider swinging my way and going for a dude? It appears that he’s got all the advice for dealing with the ladies, so it’s a bit of a long shot. Just saying though – Guru: if you’re keen on batting for the other team in a once-off adventure, I’m your guy. (Please).

Sincerely, Dropping like it’s hot

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MASSIVE IN SHORT THE BIGGEST TOPICS, SMALL.

STUDENTS DENIED ACCESS TO UNIVERSITY FACILITIES YASMINE JELLYMAN As many as 2500 students are believed to have been blocked from the Palmerston North campus library because they haven’t paid their fees.

As this edition went to print, MASSIVE was told the problem was caused by a mistake by both Massey University and StudyLink.

We were told that honours students in particular were affected and that there was “nothing Massey can do but wait for StudyLink to sort it out”.

After investigating further, it seems there is nothing the university can do.

Massey Communications Director James Gardiner said: “I’m not aware of any error, so any students who were denied access to the library must be 60 days or more in arrears with their fees.

“The same thing happens every year. The students are told what the fees are when they enrol. They then get monthly invoices telling them how much money is outstanding.

“Most pay but some don’t, then they get access denied, then they pay.

“I think one of the issues might be when they are late applying for a loan from StudyKink or they fill in the application incorrectly and it isn’t processed by StudyLink. Those are issues they need to chase up with StudyLink because they are completely beyond Massey’s control.”

Library staff member Linda Palmer said: “I can’t comment on this as we are not aware of any mistakes/ causes in the library.

“All I can say is that it is normal practice to block students from borrowing and access to licensed library databases when their registration is cancelled due to unpaid enrolment fees.”

A StudyLink spokesperson at the Ministry of Social Development said that “they need more details before they can comment and need actually proof that an incident happened before they can act on it.

“They need a complaint from Massey pointing the finger of blame to StudyLink before making an official statement.”

STUDENTS URGED TO HELP FRAME NEW MASSEY STRATEGY MASSEY COMMUNICATIONS Massey Vice-Chancellor Steve Maharey wants students to have a major input into developing the university’s new strategy.

Massey is updating its Road to 2020 strategy and pushing the horizon out to the year 2025. The strategy was launched in 2009, soon after Maharey became Vice-Chancellor. Already students are having their say, with about half of the submissions lodged to date from current students.

“Students are our reason for being and as customers of the university, the quality of their experiences is a key measure of our performance,” Maharey says.

“The strategy has seven big goals, all of which relate to students in some way but particularly the goals of promoting the highest standards of research and scholarship and ensuring an exceptional and distinctive learning experience for all students.”

All Massey’s other stakeholders – staff, alumni, research partners, businesses, community groups and other organisations and individuals the University works with – are being invited to share their views on the strategy.

“It is vital to that we hear from the people who are most affected by what we do and how we do it – those who study with Massey and those who work here; but it is also very important that we know how our stakeholders view us and what they want from us.”

Anyone with an interest in Massey is welcome to read the consultation document and make a submission, either online or in writing. The document explains the framing of the current strategy, looks at what has been achieved, the changing national and global environment and asks how Massey is positioned to respond to those trends and where it goes next. View the submission form on the Massey website.

A GRAND OLD CUP OF SHIT JESSICA FRANK Kiwis are known for being fans of having a brew or two after a hard day’s work and, unlike a particular brewery in Japan, we believe that our beer and our “business” should be kept separate.

Not too long ago, a Japanese brew house introduced a stout that incorporated coffee beans that had been digested, passed through, and pushed out an elephant’s rear end. The curator of the brew is Sankt Gallen, and the name of his creation is Un KonoKuro. According to various sources, the first batch sold out within a single day of sale. A reporter from RocketNews24.com, Mr Sato, had the unique opportunity to try the beer himself. He noted that “after taking my first sip there was an initial bitterness that got washed over by a wave of sweetness. Following that, a mellow body rolled in and spread out through my mouth.”

So, what are the logistics?

Well, in the lush hills of northern Thailand, a herd of 20 elephants are excreting some of the world’s most

expensive coffee beans. Acknowledged as holding an earthy flavour and being smooth on the palate, this exotic concoction is whipped up from beans that are eaten by Thai elephants and gathered from their dung when, you know, they’ve dropped a load. Apparently, and I say this with great weariness, a gut reaction occurs inside the elephant that forms the unique taste and brings out the true nature of the bean. Un KonoKuro isn’t the only drink that uses this technique. One of the more popular brews, known as Black Ivory, was recently released in a number of Thailand’s Anatara hotels. Anantara explained in a press release that “research indicates that during digestion, the enzymes of the elephant break down the coffee’s protein. Since the protein is one of the main factors responsible for the bitterness in coffee, less protein means almost no bitterness.”

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A Natter with Nina Tasmin Wheeler Nina McSweeney is an up-and-coming Kiwi songwriter who is studying at Massey Albany. Having released her debut album, The Bitter Sea, in February, she is one part of dirty delta blues duo Bat Country, and has also done collaborations with Concord Dawn such as Easy Life and The River. McSweeney’s creativity and uniqueness has all the etchings of a star on the rise.

Tell us a bit about your background ... childhood, schooling, when you first became interested in music and started to sing?

I grew up with a gypsy mother who could sing. We moved around a lot, and there was always music and writing in our household.

You are currently halfway through your degree at Massey. Tell us a bit about that, what you are studying and when do you plan on finishing it?

I’m halfway through an Expressive Arts/Journalism degree - I will finish it as soon as I have a bit more cash, and a bit more time. At the moment there is so much going on musically that I don’t have time to breathe.

Who was the first person that believed in you and your musical talent?

My nana. I would write up a programme and sing and dance my way through hours of material for her. She was very patient.

Who is your biggest inspiration musically?

Bowie. Son House. Neil Young. Mum. There are a lot of people that I admire for different reasons.

What are your current top three tunes?

Tough question! Elephant by Ghosts of Motat, West Ghost by K Flay, and Comfort by Emma Walter.

Biggest moment in your career thus far? Tell us a bit about it…

My dirty blues rock band, Bat Country, got our first fan art the other day - and it is pretty much the coolest painting I have ever seen! I can’t express how awesome it is.

Tell us a bit about your musical style.

I call my solo project ‘creep folk’ – the latest album, The Bitter Sea, is very haunting and cinematic. My two-piece blues/rock band, Bat Country, is all about sweaty good times. So the two projects couldn’t be more different.

What can we expect from you in the future?

Well, Bat Country have a band trip to Mexico in May, and a few shows in the States. We have a house party tour when we get back, and I am working on another solo album.

Are there any NZ talents you look up to and would like to work with in the future?

Don McGlashan is the king of New Zealand songwriting in my eyes, and working with him would be an unparalleled honor.

Tell us your most embarrassing moment so far...

Well, it would only be embarrassing if I shared it....

MASSIVE LOVES GIVEAWAYS MASSIVE wants to take you and a mate to Ohakune Bump Mardi Gras! What’s in it for me, you ask? Two tickets to Mardi Gras, accommodation at the Ohakune Court Motel for you and your mate, and transport there. Doooope. Email editor@massivemagazine.org. nz with MARDI GRAS COMP in the subject heading and your name, number, and city you’re at to be in the draw.

Want a free energy kick? MASSIVE has your next caffeine hit at the ready, with three special edition Red Bull crates to give away! That’s 24x250ml cans a crate

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– shit, son! Email editor@massivemagazine.org.nz with RED BULL GIVEAWAY in the subject heading and your name and number to go into the draw to win.

Entries close June 15 at 5pm - just in time to give you wings for those pesky exams.

We have some mean competitions coming up, exclusive for Facebook friends. Join us on Facebook (www.facebook.com.MASSIVE.magazine) for all the hook-ups.

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CRISIS IN INTERNATIONAL STUDY VISAS NO CONCERN FOR MASSEY UNIVERSITY Brigitte Masters Despite a drastic drop in international study visas, Massey is gaining overseas students and has no concerns for a drop in applications anytime in the near future.

Over all universities, international study visas have dropped 11,000 since 2009, down a quarter from usual applications to study in New Zealand, despite fixes from the Government.

But Massey Vice-Chancellor Hon Steve Maharey says Massey is not worrying about the nationwide problem.

“At the moment there are no signs that we will be losing students – we are growing not shrinking. Massey is a growth university unlike Otago or Canterbury because we have three campuses. Because we are such a big engine we have to keep on going. Our goal will be to carry on growing our operation and maintaining ourselves as a high-quality institution, not anticipating that we are going to be dreading water or shrinking.”

Massey still hasn’t released its 2012 annual report, but the numbers from the 2011 report prove that the rise in international students is positive. In 2010 there were 1,467 international students studying at Massey, in 2011 there was a 30% rise, bringing the total to 1,911 students, beating the target of 1,660.

It has been said that the Christchurch earthquake, the high New Zealand dollar, and the state of the global economy are to blame for the drop, but Maharey says the high dollar shouldn’t have too much of an effect on the decision people make to study in New Zealand.

He agrees with the economy’s current state and puts it down to the global financial crisis and a shift in people’s attitudes to studying overseas, which means it’s a much, much harder market to work in than usual.

“People are being a lot more cautious about spending their money. I think there is also a shift in the international market now that people are beginning to think about studying at home more often than they used to. It’s much more competitive now so the number of universities who are in the market has grown substantially, particularly since the global financial crisis.”

Maharey says that for the Government to reach its ambitious goal of doubling the $2 billion export education sector by 2025, it needs to get offshore because students attitudes are changing and more people want to stay at home to build networks, look

after families, and maintain other commitments.

And moving tertiary education offshore is something that Massey is doing.

Although it currently has only about 1,000 international students studying extramurally, it is the only university with an internationalisation strategy, which they launched about a year ago, as opposed to an international student recruitment strategy. This means Massey is trying to globalise by becoming a global brand to gain more overseas students in the online learning market, where international students can study at Massey from their home instead of coming to New Zealand.

“We are going to lever off that, despite our small number of overseas students. A worldwide awareness of Massey that comes from our 54-year history of being a distance provider will help us to try and get into that area. So we are certainly hoping that that 1,000 will steadily grow over the next while, and in fact our aim is clearly to have more international students in that sort of international area. We would like to think we would have around 20,000-25,000 over the next decade to try to build towards offshore, that we are a high quality niche player in that online learning environment.”

It’s been four years since the Government capped the whole education system in New Zealand so there is no money to be made and there is no student growth allowed, so universities are eventually going to find themselves in an impossible position.

Universities can’t run an organisation and not be able to grow because they earn their revenue and have costs going up at the same time. This means that Massey, along with AUT, out of all universities, are positioned to be able to move into overseas education in a serious way.

International students Jack Cao and Vicki Yuan, who have moved to New Zealand from China, say one of the reasons they chose New Zealand was because it is much cheaper to study here than anywhere else.

“It is much cheaper to study in New Zealand than it is to study in Australia or America,” says Jack, who is studying photography in Wellington.”

Vicky who also says studying in New Zealand is easy, says: “We have a really strict Chinese school system.

After high school you need to sit an examination to go to university and it’s really hard and really stressful. I

didn’t want to do it so that’s one reason why I chose to go overseas and study.

“School in New Zealand is very easy compared to China. Also, here I pay $20,000 a year for school fees but in America I would have to pay $30,000 to $40,000.

It’s so expensive. If it was cheaper to study in America I would study there, because New Zealand is also expensive to live, and it can be quite boring.”

Mr Maharey says New Zealand tends to attract students who want lifestyle as well as the lower cost.

“Even with the living cost, because you have still got to eat in the US, so there is still cost attached to living there as well. So when they come here they have to pay for that, but it’s not substantially more. The other attracter is that the kind of student who tends to come here is very keen on outdoor activity, so they get the lifestyle of tramping, skiing and so on while they’re here as well. So it’s a pretty attractive package, lower costs, and a great lifestyle.”

Neither Jack nor Vicky looked into studying online at Massey from China, and Jack is sceptical that the university’s plan to gain online students is going to work.

But Mr Maharey says China, by far, is their biggest customer. “[It] is something we want to obviously balance out.

China will remain a big source of students and so on for us. We are also active in research there and there is a growing area of activity – Korea, Vietnam, Indonesia are rapidly growing. America is a good place for us because of our aviation, engineering, agricultural life science.

The price of education is extraordinarily high now in the US so there is quite a significant number of people wanting to come here to get a degree because they are all accredited courses and they can get a job easily off those qualifications.

“But the price of them … even with international fees the price is lower than they could do in the US. “We don’t make money to make money, we make money to build reputations and get good staff and good equipment and good buildings. If we don’t find a way in doing that then New Zealand universities will struggle because the Government isn’t providing any real growth and income, so the logical thing is to grow internationally.”

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ALBANY LO C A L N OT I C E S

Team Albany at Uni Games Team Albany sent 43 students to compete in basketball, netball, lawn bowls, Ultimate Frisbee and hockey at the annual Uni Games in Dunedin from April 21-25.

Although the weather was better suited for ducks, Team Albany managed to pull off some amazing results and I think it’s safe to say what we achieved will be remembered for years to come!

Tuesday saw the lawn bowls being wrapped up due to bad weather, but not before Team Albany’s men’s pair defeated SIT in the final to win the gold! It was safe to say the bys had the gold in the bag from the beginning and outshone their opponents.

Finals day was planned for Wednesday, and saw the netball and hockey team playing for a bronze medal.

Unfortunately neither team could take it on the day but were both proud of their fourth-place efforts.

The men’s basketball team has a very long history of bad luck at the Uni Games, and were up against Otago in the gold medal match. The whole of Team Albany were there to support our boys and you can imagine the stadium erupting when they came away with gold! All these great results meant Team Albany had once again held on to the Small Campus shield.

It was great to not only be part of the games atmosphere, but build friendships with other universities as well as friendships within Team Albany which I am sure will shape much of the team’s student experience. Here’s hoping that the Uni Games lives on and we get a chance to defend the Small Campus shield next year.

Sarah Wymer Not a Happy Student Lounge user (Complaint) If you are wanting some peace and quiet and you go looking for it at the ASA student lounge, then you have come to the wrong place. Because it is a student lounge, it is our place to sit and do as we like within reason.

If that means chatting on a cell phone, doing group meetings, or having a party, then all good! It is a shared space for us all.

There are no signs up in the lounge saying it’s a quiet place, or watch the noise, or anything to indicate we need to be silent. If you want peace and quiet and want to complain anonymously to management then maybe rethink where you are sitting. There is a library for silence - in fact, that would be level 5. I would advise you to use it.

To be told to quieten down [by an ASA staff member] when I was simply on a cellphone call is rude.

I was maybe chatting a little louder but that was because there were three teams of at least five people doing work - the room was loud to begin with.

Lesson to everyone who uses it: be quiet, don’t make a noise, sit down, and shut up.

Felicity Heaven ASA Response Because the ASA lounge is like any other shared student space on campus, anyone using it needs to be mindful of others around them. ASA is proud to be able to provide this space for students to relax and unwind, and for clubs to meet. ASA supports the use of the space by all students and reminds those using the space to respect the right of others to use it responsibly.

Vice-President Arlene Frost Chinese Basketball Charity Event On Friday April 26, Massey’s Chinese Basketball Association hosted a basketball charity event to raise money for the devastating earthquake that took place on April 20 in Sichuan Ya An, China. Killing over 200 people and injuring almost 1000, it was the worst earthquake the country has had in three years.

MUCBA (Massey University Chinese Basketball Association) President Jerry Wen organised the event, which hosted over 350 people from a variety of universities. Some 12 teams were entered into the competition from Massey, Auckland Uni, AUT, Unitec and Waikato University. The event raised $1330, and half of it was donated to World Vision China for people affected by the earthquake. The other half was donated to the World Food Bank where the money will go to children without food.

Speakers at the event included Campus Registrar Andrea Davies, who gave a welcoming speech, World Vision, who spoke about the devastation in China at the moment, and Consulate Hu, who gave out the awards. There was a dance performance from UDS Crew who performed during the opening ceremony and at half time. There was also a selection of games and competitions happening throughout the events to keep people who weren’t watching the games occupied.

The event was a success, and MUCBA and Massey University should be proud of it.

Massey Association of Communication Students The Chief Flight Operations Officer from Air New Zealand, Captain David Morgan, gave a presentation to the Massey Association of Communication Students early this month. Captain Morgan, who is also a member of the advisory board for Massey’s School of Business, talked of his concern at the level of engagement businesses are having with students.

One of MACS’ objectives is to bridge the gap between classroom and the work field, giving students practical and relevant information. Captain Morgan gave an insightful presentation into Air New Zealand, what they believe in as an organisation, where they were heading in the future and, more importantly, what they look for when hiring. Captain Morgan talked about how important communications were in a business and how key communication is the key essence to any successful organisation.

The presentation left the audience inspired and excited for future opportunities to visit the Air New Zealand offices for a tour and networking opportunities.

MACS is an open group and anyone can join. It is a chance to network and establish relationships. If it sounds like you might want to be involved you can find them on Facebook. Look for MACS Albany: Massey Association for Communication Students and ‘like’ the page to get updates of upcoming events and opportunities.

Theatre Lab opening An inspiring evening was held on campus on May 8 for the official opening of the Theatre Lab. The evening was filled with enlightening speakers, including guest speakers from Auckland Arts Festival.

Creative director Carla Von Zon and Chief Executive David Inns gave a presentation on what was involved in creating an arts festival. The evening also included live performances from Drums of Pacific, where the festive entertainment engaged with the audience, as well as Tango Partner and Lifetime, two amusing plays. The final performance of the evening, Birds of Paradise Burlesque, left the audience dazzled with an outstanding performance.

The evening left guests excited for the future of the Theatre Lab and the exciting opportunities it may create.

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MANAWATU LO C A L N OT I C E S

SLAVE AUCTION There are some things that cannot be unseen. A guy dancing around in tightie-whities, a starter bra, and a badly applied fake tan pretending to be ‘the black girl’ in the Robin Thicke blurred lines video is one of those images. Welcome to the BVSC3 Slave Auction – a showcase of the talents (or at the very least bravery) of the third-year Vet Class. The most talented slaves are auctioned off in an effort to fundraise for the thirdyear halfway day. For about $200 you can have a group of slaves to do your gardening, cleaning, grooming or simply to pretend to be your friend for a few hours.

Event Coordinator Sarah Stephen said “the highlight of the night was seeing the broad range of talent from members of our class”. She also said the turnout was less than expected because of the clash with the Hurricanes game. However, despite this the event managed to raise $2000, some 10% of which will go to their chosen charity, Centre for Service and Working Dog Health, with the remaining going towards the vet halfway day: a trip to Taupo to let loose after 2 ½ years of the gruelling vet degree.

The best act on the night was the Glowstick Ho’s and Fluorescent Bro’s, who proved that with a bit of creativity a tonne of talent isn’t necessary. Their smart act involved tying luminescent piping to their limbs, turning off the lights and treating us to a hilarious show of stick man dancing. And, as only the vets can, it was made complete with a bit of fluorescent penis thrusting to The Bad Touch.

Honourable mention must be given to the mysterious superheroes, including three smartly dressed Batmen.

They bought the majority of the slaves during the night, which raises the question: why does Batman need eight 80’s workout girls, two bands and some acro-vets? Let’s just hope they don’t all end up down in the Batcave.

Camilla Riddiford MUSA BUILDS NEW STUDENT HOUSING Most students have become well accustomed to what it is like living in a student flat: waking up to windows crying with condensation, being able to see your breathe inside (not just in the morning), and finding mould growing here, there, and everywhere. Although this just seems like a reality to most students, it is something that Massey University Student Association (MUSA) is trying to improve in Palmerston North.

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With winter on its way, MUSA is in the process of refurbishing and even building new flats to provide better accommodation for students. MUSA President Steve Christodoulou says many flats are poorly insulated and are not suitable for students to be living in. He says they are “cold, damp and horrible” and can often lead to poor health. Luckily for us, MUSA is continuing to increase its building portfolio, and is aiming to have more new flats available.

Christodoulou is hoping these new flats and refurbishments will be “better for health and create a better study environment”. They will also be easier to maintain, he says, meaning they will be able to provide on-going support for students with their living situations.

This is a continuing project for MUSA, and it is try to provide “good service for students” in which students can be directly affected in a positive way. The new developments are taking place in Morris and McGiffert streets, as well as other areas of central Palmerston North. MUSA flats are a great option for students and will keep you warmer on those cold winter nights. If you’re after quality flatting, be sure to check out the MUSA website for available accommodation, or call reception.

Ellen Walden A Hurricane of disappointment A flood of yellow and black swept through Palmerston North in the week preceding the Hurricanes v Stormers home game at FMG Stadium on Friday 26 April.

The Super 15 rugby game was the only one to be hosted in Palmerston North this season and more than 9000 spectators turned out.

However, not even the yellow-lit clock tower or the numerous shop window displays could secure a win for the Hurricanes, with the final score 18-16 to the South Africans.

Manawatu Rugby Community Advisor Jason Cole said the event was a great chance for locals to see All Blacks in their home town and enjoy the spectacle and colour of a Super 15 match.

After an Anzac day tribute, the Hurricanes kicked things off to a great start, with Beauden Barrett scoring a penalty kick 2 ½ minutes into the game.

The one and only converted try of the match was scored by the Stormers as their infamous strong defence

gave them the upper hand. However, after consistent forward play, a sea of yellow flags waved in celebration when the Hurricanes ended the first half with a try by Matt Proctor. Although the conversion was intercepted, the first half still set the Hurricanes in the lead at 11-7.

As the Stormers settled into the second half scoring two penalty kicks to place them on top, the Hurricanes began to crack with handling errors seeping through.

While the Hurricanes were able to break from this play, with Andre Taylor scoring their second try, the Stormers kept their targets in sight and scored their own try not long after.

As 80 minutes loomed and the score failed to shift, the flags dropped, the cheering subsided, and Palmerston North realised the inevitable. Even with Barrett back in his usual first five-eight position and in fine kicking form, it was the Stormers who were kicking and defending for the win.

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WELLINGTON LO C A L N OT I C E S

ANNUAL STUDENT ELECTIONS The Massey Wellington Students’ Association (MAWSA) elections are now set to take place, with nominations opening August 12. These elections will be for the positions of the entire MAWSA executive body, effective from beginning of 2014. These positions include the roles of President, Welfare Vice-President, Education Vice President, Pasifika, International and Maori representatives, and Colleges of Science, Health, Humanities and Social Sciences, Business, and Creative Arts representatives. The people elected this year will commence their positions in 2014, after the current executive finish, except for the President position, which will be filled immediately. When asked if anyone has put their hand up to take over the Presidency position, current President Ben Thorpe said, “nobody has approached [Thorpe] directly, but a couple of people have asked for information about the role.” Thorpe hopes there will be more of a “sense of competition” this year; with the 2012 election’s only competition for President being campus cat, Pipi.

Nominations for all roles are open from August 12 - September 9. Campaigning runs from September 9 – 13. Voting will take place from September 16-20, and from September 23 – 27, a Special General Meeting (SGM) will be held to ratify results. Thorpe said the announcement of his replacement and 2014’s executive will be made via MAWSA social media networks.

Thorpe says that there’s a “perceived sacrifice to study” in the Presidency position, having to put his own papers on hold during his position, which he has undertaken at 30 hours per week. He continues: “It’s a bit off-putting for some of the students.” The President’s hours are currently (at time of print) being negotiated down to 15 hours per week by the executive, which Thorpe says will be easier to fit in around study. Thorpe is dedicated to a smooth transitional period. “I’ve been preparing handover notes, and will be around for a month of handover; it should be a smooth transition and staff will integrate them [his replacement] well.

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Wings Update Red Bull Wellington Column Wow, what a month!

In the early hours of Tuesday May 14 students were stoked to discover a giant wooden crate full of Red Bull at their fingertips after the Red Bull Airdrop hit outside Massey Wellington’s Tussock bar and café. 1,200 cans of Red Bull Special Editions were taken away from the crate as students went to all lengths to clear it out.

What’s coming up…

For those that signed up for the Red Bull Collective Art project or helped add to the giant doodle wall by the CoCA concourse two months ago, come and check out the Red Bull Collective Art Exhibition in late May. Here you can marvel at all the New Zealand submissions (maybe even your own work) and snippets of the global digital masterpiece. As well as grabbing yourself a cold can to get you through your busy university life. Keep an eye out on the MAWSA page for more information about location and dates.

With the countdown to the end of semester one classes and exams following not far behind, Red Bull wants to help make sure you can get through this hectic study period with a cold can in hand. Energy lounges will be set up in the pyramid over the study break to come and hang out at, as well as the Red Bull Wings Girls visiting you weekly to hand out cans (usually outside Tussock on Thursdays after 2pm). Make sure you come along if you’re in need of an energy kick.

Ruth Chan WANTED: NEW MASSIVE STAFF MEMBER IN WELLINGTON MASSIVE is searching for a new Wellington staff member. This role will vary week to week, and will involve sub-editing, blog management, and occasional Wellington reporting/local page fills. This role will be 4-5 hours a week, paid on an hourly basis. The ideal candidate will be currently studying Communications or Journalism, with a ‘nose for news’ and the time and

passion to work ad hoc. A critical part of the role is the ability to meet deadlines. This position would be suited for a person who has good writing skills, and wishes to undertake broadcasting, public relations or journalism upon graduating. The perks of the role include media passes, and first pick of stories and interviews, as well as practical experience working for New Zealand’s largest, and only, national student magazine.

Clubs Feed Clubs at Massey Wellington are continuing to thrive as semester one starts to round off, with 19 clubs now active on campus. Two new clubs have popped up in the last month, with the Skateboard and Uni Q clubs now on the scene. “Skate’s going well, and Uni Q are in the affiliation process,” says Clubs Development Officer Anna Hobman, who has set up more than 10 clubs since her commencement into her role last year. With the recently established Massey University Photography Society (MUPS) having a free coffee event on May 22, Massey Association of Communication Students (MACS) having regular guests for their speakers series, the Manga and Anime club movie fundraising night on July 31, and the rejuvenating of the Basketball club, who plan on participating in the upcoming inter-tertiary league, there’s a wide and eclectic mix of clubs to choose from. Hobman encourages all students to get involved. “Massey Surf Club just came back from their first weekend trip to Castlepoint,” she says. “It sounds like they had an awesome time!” There are also opportunities for students to create new clubs, and “always something going on with clubs that students can get involved with”. And what does Hobman want to see happen on campus? “I’m looking forward to some action from the Massey Ninja Society.”

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CANINE CRIMINALISATION: HOW WE’RE BITING BACK Dog attacks are rising in New Zealand and internationally, causing offending canines to be put down. But there is little understanding in society about whether incidents are due to dog handling or breed types.

Charlie Mitchell investigates the treatment of dogs and laws around the world.

On March 29, the body of 31-year-old Pilates instructor Chloe Jane Mathewson was found in the Auckland suburb of Redvale. Her body was mangled beyond recognition.

Her injuries were horrific - she had clearly suffered a violent death.

The last person to see her alive was 52-year-old Andrew Wai Poi, who Mathewson had been visiting. He searched for her after discovering she wasn’t in her bed. After discovering her body at the foot of his driveway, he contacted the police.

When they arrived, police were confused. Mathewson’s body had clearly been tampered with, she was covered in bite marks, and her flesh was torn to pieces. If she had been murdered, it would be difficult to figure out how, because the damage after death was severe.

After initially suspecting foul play, the police changed course after discovering the horrifying truth of Mathewson’s death: CCTV footage showed her - seemingly intoxicated - dancing in front of Poi’s house. She then went to play with two of Poi’s three Rottweilers, who were used as ‘attack’ dogs for the property. They proceeded to maul her to death.

Once this was discovered, all three of Poi’s dogs were seized by Animal Control and destroyed.

Just days later, Rotorua woman Philomena Matthews was sentenced to four months imprisonment for ‘owning a dangerous dog which caused injury’. Her Pit Bull Terrier had attacked her 2-year-old niece, causing the skin on the girl’s forehead to be degloved. It was a standard dog biting incident: a male, unneutered dog, known to be dangerous, attacked a child due to the negligence of its owner. The dog was sentenced to death row, and later destroyed.

Chloe Mathewson was the sixth person to be killed by dogs in New Zealand. The Rotorua toddler became one of nearly 12,000 people each year who require medical attention after being injured by a dog. Despite the suffering of both of these victims, the dogs that attacked them were lawfully owned and were not in breach of the Dog Control Act until they attacked their victims.

New Zealand has extensive laws regarding dog ownership, with severe restrictions on certain breeds. The law, as it stands, was clearly incapable of preventing Mathewson’s death or the 12,000 dog-induced injuries each year.

The number of attacks certainly isn’t going down, and canine violence has slowly become a systemic problem that has remained untouched for years. The question, then, is what can be done?

The Canadian Offensive In 2003, a Pit Bull-cross named Bandit inadvertently became the best-known dog in Massivemagazine.org.nz

Canada. His image was splashed across national newspapers, and his name became the topic of household conversation for weeks. Unfortunately for Bandit, his was a case of infamy: he had been convicted of mauling the 3-year-old grandson of his owner, who barely survived the attack. The boy required more than 250 stitches, which doesn’t account for the psychological damage an attack would likely inflict on a victim. What followed was an intense ideological battle throughout Canada, where the possibility of breed-specific prohibition was fiercely debated.

By 2005, the province of Ontario became the first (and only) provincial Canadian government to respond to the incident with legislation. They passed the Dog Owner’s Liability Act, which outlawed Pit Bull breeds. It was a tense vote that passed amid a flurry of public emotion, where passionate support and vigorous protest co-existed in a highly charged battle of ideals.

Despite vigorous protest from sections of the public, legal challenges, and a bevy of contradictory expert opinion, the law was passed by a majority of the House. To this day, it is illegal to own, train, or import a Pit Bull - or a similar breed - within the provincial borders of Ontario.

Upon passage of the legislation, Attorney-General Michael Bryant – who aggressively pushed for the law, and who had previously described Pit Bulls as “ticking time bombs” – told the assembled media: “Mark my words; Ontario will be safer.”

It is a piece of legislation that followed on the heels of similar laws in the UK and Scandinavia. Such laws are intensely divisive, and thousands of people have taken up in protest against them. It’s easy to see why: taken to its extreme, the Ontario law allows the confiscation of any dog that resembles a Pit Bull, even if it has not bitten or threatened to bite anyone. The law places the burden of proof on the owner: if the owner of the dog cannot prove that their dog is not a Pit Bull breed, the dog is liable to be destroyed by the council.

Breed-specific laws are the result of generalised beliefs about the behaviour, personality, and temperament of certain breeds. Generalisations like this are usually a problem. They involve exceptions by their very definition, and laws become difficult to justify when the exceptions to the generalisations are losing their lives unjustly. But do Pit Bulls, whose reputation lives in the metaphorical toilet, deserve to be generalised in the interest of public safety?

The Prosecution “They were initially bred to fight and wound and that’s what they are genetically bent on doing,” says Barry Gillingwater, Managing Director of DSS Animal Management, expressing a common sentiment towards Pit Bulls.

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MASSIVE FEATURE

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“There are some well-behaved and well-owned Pit Bull Terriers, so you cannot categorically state that all of these dogs are bad. However, they have well and truly earned their unsavoury reputation.”

The national president of the New Zealand Institute of Animal Control Officers, Les Dalton, concurs: “They are a breed bred especially to fight, and the national stats are showing they are well represented in bite statistics both here and overseas.”

The historic function of Pit Bulls certainly supports this view, and it doesn’t make for pretty reading. American Pit Bull Terriers make up the majority of fighting dogs in the United States, and are frequently bred and raised to encourage aggressive behaviour for the purpose of fighting and self-defence.

The Clifton Report, which details the 30-year history of dog attack deaths and maimings in the US and Canada, analysed the pattern of dog attacks between 1982 and 2010. The results are damning: Pit Bull breeds, which make up 5% of the dogs owned in North America, are responsible for 57% of attacks causing bodily harm and 47% of deaths. In New Zealand, a report compiled by Tauranga District Council manager John Payne from dog attack statistics from 13 council districts around the country found that Pit Bulls were responsible for 12.5% of reported attacks, despite comprising only 2.3% of the dog population.

When you pile up the claims that Pit Bulls are inherently and intrinsically violent, the resulting argument is strong – Pit Bull breeds are prone to violence and need to be prohibited.

The Defence “All stocky short-haired dogs with round heads are labelled some sort of “bull” type dog, and this is going to be wrong more often than not. Even experienced breeders of the “bull” type terriers and highly qualified dog show judges admit they can’t confidently identify their breeds in mixed breed dogs,” says Owen Dance, President of the NZ Kennel Club.

Dog-bite statistics generally rely on reports from eyewitnesses. In the criminal justice system, evidence from eyewitnesses is notoriously unreliable. Identifying the specific breed of a dog is no easy task, particularly if the dog is a mixed breed.

Dance suggests that the disproportionate presence of pit bulls in dog bite statistics is “because of the intensity of media interest in those breeds and the high rate of mistaken identification of those breeds as contributors to mixed breed dogs.”

This suggests a society-wide confirmation basis: because we are frequently exposed to the idea that Pit Bulls are violent and are often involved in dog attacks – when we personally witness an attack, we are more likely to label the attacking dog as a Pit Bull, regardless of its actual breed.

In addition to this, the sheer strength of breeds such as Pit Bulls and Rottweilers

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can lead to an inflated presence on the dog-bite statistics. You’ll certainly know if one of the stronger breeds bites you. In fact, you’d probably consider it quite a big deal and report it accordingly. But if a Chihuahua nips you, it’ll likely be a minor nuisance and nothing more – and certainly not worth a 111 call. A study undertaken in 2008 supports this – it found that the breed most likely to bite was the Dachsund, followed closely by the Chihuahua and the Jack Russell terrier.

Does this invalidate all dog-bite statistics? Not necessarily. But it calls into question the validity of any report that relies on data that required witness testimony to establish the breed of dog involved, and contests the idea that Pit Bulls are more likely to bite people.

But even if the Pit Bull breeds are unfairly represented in dog-attack statistics, does that invalidate the inherent genetic variables that give them a disposition towards violence?

The American Temperament Test Society has designed a test to establish the temperament of certain breeds of dogs. This test is designed to simulate a typical walk through a neighbourhood, where the dog is subjected to a range of visual and aural stimuli to test their patience, friendliness, and shyness. During the test, dogs are confronted with sounds of gunshots, are approached by friendly and unfriendly strangers, and are confronted with a variety of surfaces to walk over. The average pass rate for this test among individual breeds is 82%. Pit Bull breeds average a pass rate of 86%, placing them among the most successful of all dog breeds. Thousands of Pit Bulls have undertaken the test, and almost all of them have passed with ease.

Similar results were seen in mandated tests requested by the German government.

Some 415 dogs from a variety of breeds were run through a series of tests, and researchers found little variation between any of the dogs, and concluded that there was “no indication of dangerousness in specific breeds”.

It’s worth noting that these tests are far from perfect because controlled conditions will never fully reflect the relative chaos (and unpredictability) of everyday life. But they do question the idea that Pit Bulls are inherently incapable of living comfortably alongside people, or are in any way socially deficient relative to other breeds.

Let’s go back to Buster. He was a Pit Bull breed who attacked and severely wounded a child. Regardless of whether the attack was a matter of behaviour, poor ownership, or both, Ontario lawmakers were inspired by the case (among others) to outlaw Pit Bull breeds within the provincial borders of Ontario. Whether you like Pit Bulls or not, the idea of selectively banning them can be morally nebulous: are we creating a better society by banning specific breeds of dog?

Lennox: Wanted, For Crimes Unclear The fight against breed-specific legislation reached a messy apex in 2010. Lennox, a 5-year-old mixed breed, was seized by the city council in Belfast, Northern Ireland, on

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suspicion of being a Pit Bull. He was a Labrador/Bulldog cross, his owners claimed, which is perfectly legal to own within Irish law. Without warning, a group of Dog Control Officers went to the house to investigate. They used a tape measure to measure Lennox’s proportions, after chatting with his owners over cups of tea. Without seeking an outside opinion, the officers evaluated that Lennox was indeed a Pit Bull breed based on his measurements. He was immediately taken from his family home and put on death row.

Over the next two years, a tense public battle raged over Lennox’s fate: council officers claimed that he was “unpredictable” and “dangerous”. The officers claimed that when they were taking him away, he lunged at one of them and struck her with his muzzle, which his owners vehemently denied. A worldwide petition demanding his release garnered over 200,000 signatures, and celebrities such as Lennox Lewis (his namesake) called for his release.

His living conditions were purported to be unfavourable – he was kept in a cold, concrete cell, and was continually underfed, causing him to become increasingly irritable with council staff, furthering speculation that he was indeed dangerous. A picture released during his containment revealed he had lost a lot of fur, likely due to stress. His owners were unable to confirm or deny this, because they were forbidden from seeing him, or even knowing where he was being held. Less than two years after being taken from his home, 7-year-old Lennox was killed by the Belfast City Council.

He had never bitten anyone, and had never been the subject of a complaint from the public. In the end, his only crime was that his head was too big and his legs too short – crimes which he paid for with his life.

The Ruling Lennox died because he was generalised. A law justified by generalised beliefs about dogs that look a certain way was responsible for his death. But do the potential benefits of these hard-line laws justify the death of the occasional Lennox? In short, probably not.

Italy, the Netherlands, and parts of Germany have abandoned their restrictions on dog breeds after insufficient evidence that they were working. The UK, which has had a form of breed-specific legislation since 1991, is likely to follow suit: experts believe the number of Pit Bulls has increased since they were banned, and a report commissioned by a pet insurance company found that the number of people hospitalised by dog bites had increased by 50%. Statistical data regarding dog attacks, as mentioned earlier, are notoriously difficult to both collect and analyse, but the data suggests that the number of dog bites is increasing virtually everywhere in the world. This is, of course, largely due to an increase in dog ownership.

But the case for breed-specific legislation is becoming harder to justify as the numbers stack up against it. Since the passing of the Ontario Dog Owner’s Liability

Act, 1000 confiscated dogs have been euthanised. In an extraordinary reaction against the law, an ‘underground railroad’ has developed, where volunteers are covertly smuggling Pit Bull breeds taken from council lockups, many of them puppies, out of Ontario before they face execution.

A People Problem “If every dog owner in New Zealand owned their dogs in a responsible, best-practice way there would be no more ‘dog problem’ as we know it. You need to focus upon the owner – not the dog,” says Gillingwater. “The ‘dog problem’ we hear about is but a symptom. The real root cause is the poverty and crime in these areas.”

This is a compelling argument. It’s no secret that Pit Bull breeds are currently ‘in vogue’ among people who want a menacing dog, either for self-defence or for fighting other dogs. Pit Bulls, with their strength and durability, are a natural fit for such purposes.

Dance adds to this: “Dogs are heavily influenced by the environment in which they are raised and by the conduct of those around them ... if a dog behaves as though viciousness comes to it naturally I have no hesitation in saying that the behaviour is induced and that other examples of the same breed in different ownership or different surroundings could be gentle and calm.”

The ‘dog problem’, then, is a social one: vicious owners breed vicious dogs, and it is the poorly regulated process of dog ownership that allows people to raise their pets in a way makes them a threat to other people.

We saw this in the death of Chloe Jane Mathewson, and the attack on the Rotorua toddler. The Rottweilers that attacked Mathewson had shown evidence of malicious behaviour, were not neutered, and had been observed by neighbours to be unruly.

Philomena Matthews knew her Pit Bull was dangerous but she did not take adequate steps to prevent her niece from being attacked. Cases like this will continue to occur until people stop raising their dogs neglectfully. The Pit Bull breeds are lethal when they do turn violent, but if raised in a caring, nurturing environment, this is unlikely to happen.

The call to ban specific breeds of dog has existed for decades. Dobermans, St. Bernards, Malamutes, and Rottweilers have previously been targeted as their popularity grew. Pit Bulls are involved in a disproportionate number of attacks and are dangerous animals, but prohibition isn’t necessarily the answer.

As with most things, education is the way forward. If everyone saw their dog as a pet to care for, and not a weapon, a status symbol, or a cheap alarm system, then the ‘dog problem’ would vanish into the night.

Illustrated by Iain Anderson

MASSIVE FEATURE

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GETTING HIGH: NO LONGER A LAUGHING MATTER Marijuana is a hot debate all over the world. Some hate it; some just want to debate it. Kyle Schubert examines its uses economically and medicinally in a way that might just change your opinion about it.

Whether you’re a smoking hot activist, an anti-smoking terrorist or stuck in the middle, a smoker not particularly fazed by the controversial topic, or a non-smoker who really doesn’t give a fuck, knowledge of marijuana’s benefits and detriments can be an advantage in today’s society.

Cannabis Sativa or Cannabis Indica, better known as marijuana, has always sparked interesting debates between friends, family and politicians. The youth of today - especially in America - strive for change, aiming to decriminalise and legalise the herb for medication and industrialisation, appointing appropriate scientific facts produced by professors and scientists alike. Being a highly debated topic, once clouded by the nebulous information the government proclaimed to its people, marijuana has recently surfaced in the media with differing angles. These range from the legitimate medicinal qualities it possesses to the economic and social benefits it can have on society. However, this can all come across rather biased and forceful, leaving some who just want stoners to come clean and confess “Hey we just want to get high” and “Yeah we’re going to make all this noise on the subject so that we can legally be under the influence and not feel paranoid when making late night missions to Countdown.”

Once used religiously (as in literal beliefs not consistent use), medicinally, agriculturally (through hemp farming), and as a result, economically, marijuana has had an advantageous use for mankind dating back to 2737 BC. It wasn’t long before conservative individuals of the higher socio-class linked the drug to manslaughter, hit-and-runs, suicide, rape, and the eventual descent into madness, ultimately shunning its recreational use soon after it surfaced in the West early in the 20th century. Known as the “Reefer Madness” era, the anti-drug propaganda at the time was considered an insightful look into the menace that was marijuana.

As cited by Hunter S. Thompson while attending the National Conference of District Attorneys on Narcotics and Dangerous Drugs seminar at the Dunes Hotel in Las Vegas, 1971: “KNOW YOUR DOPE FIEND. YOUR LIFE MAY DEPEND ON IT! You will not be able to see his eyes because of the Tea-Shades, but his knuckles will be white from inner tension and his pants will be crusted with semen from constantly jacking off when he can’t find a rape victim. He will stagger and babble when questioned. He will not respect your badge. The Dope Fiend fears nothing. He will attack, for no reason, with every weapon at his command – including yours. BEWARE. Any officer apprehending a suspected marijuana addict should use all necessary force immediately.

One stitch in time (on him) will usually save nine on you. Good luck. -The Chief ” Thankfully this sort of bullshit isn’t (mostly) believed in today’s world. Instead the focus is on marijuana’s medicinal qualities and the potential economic benefits it can have on society.

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A study carried out by Spain’s International Medical Verities Association, revealed that cannabidiol (CBD) was capable of preventing and reversing a host of chronic diseases, including cancer. To cut a long story short, cannabinoids found in hemp oil contain an antiproliferative – an agent that prevents cancer cells from reproducing (and if you know anything about cancer, that’s what it does best). Hemp oil is now being recognised as a highly versatile and beneficial substance, regarded as a superfood that contains high levels of essential fatty acid including omega3, omega6 and GLA (gamma linolenic acid: an anti-inflammatory acid found in seeds), and higher than that of spirulina. For thousand of years, marijuana (cannabis) has been used in elixirs and potions, but with modern-day technology scientists have been able to utilise the beneficial components found within the plant and appoint them medically where appropriate. Recent studies validate the therapeutic use of marijuana and cannabinoids, treating or relieving a vast array of symptoms and conditions including HIV, autoimmune disorders, multiple sclerosis and epilepsy, to name a few.

Take into consideration, however, that as students this may fall under a small population, but marijuana has other ways of aiding others too.

Those with eating disorders, chronic pain, sleep apnea, nausea and even incontinence (the involuntary excretion of fecal matter or urine) could also be helped by marijuana.

Again, this may affect only a few, but an ailment that everyone is bound to suffer from is stress. Experts argue that although it’s considered a way to relax after a long day at work or university, the fact that smoking marijuana in a country where it is illegal adds pressure to the secretive lifestyle and can present adverse effects on the toker, which may lead to anxiety.

This is when marijuana becomes psychologically addictive and patients tend to source it for relief. Certainly in some instances, having a smoke wouldn’t be the way to go, because instead of alleviating stress, it postpones and enhances it, leading to a never-ending cycle of anxiety, smoking to relax, then finding yourself anxious again when you’re cold turkey. This is where the synthetic variety comes into question.

Most people have heard of or tried Salvia Divinorum, better known as Mexican Tripping Weed (also known as Tijuana tripping weed, chewed by Mexican Indians for centuries). Some towns have made it illegal due to the hospitalised cases where subjects have taken a trip too far.

What makes this worse is that it’s available online, where a young person can say they’re over 18, use their debit card they obtained at 16, and have the devil weed delivered to the front door. For those who don’t know, Salvia Divinorum is a psychoactive plant that can induce dissociative effects and is a potent producer of hallucinations. Many YouTube videos have been made documenting these trips, usually involving the subjects jumping out of windows, running or rolling around moronically

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It wasn’t long before conservative individuals of the higher socio-class linked the drug to manslaughter, hit-and-runs, suicide, rape, and the eventual descent into madness, ultimately shunning its recreational use soon after it surfaced in the West early in the 20th century. and, in particular, yelling at the ceiling. Not a very adequate substitute for marijuana.

Other legal highs made of different strengths produce different experiences. For example, K2, which has been in the media spotlight after a 17-year-old in Christchurch was hospitalized after having a seizure experimenting it. What seems to be the issue is as soon as one is made illegal another springs up, and the cycle of hospital admissions begins again.

In a paper on the Budgetary Implication of Marijuana Prohibition, Harvard University professor of Economics Jeffery A. Miron says marijuana legalisation would save US$7.7 billion a year in government expenditure on enforcement of prohibition.

He says that if it was taxed similarly to alcohol and cigarettes it would produce US$6.2 billion annually. Applied to New Zealand, this would be a way for the government to save money and that’s when hemp cultivation comes in. This plant can grow in almost any terrain, and provides a range of products such as plastic, clothing, rope, paper, soil purification, and biofuels. This includes the benefits of hemp seed oil, which would hugely benefit the health industry.

It’s a little more complicated from here, because plants have to be male to produce seeds, whereas female plants produce the bud itself. Due to its lower THC levels, Cannabis Sativa is the optimum plant for hemp cultivation. It is also specifically grown with higher levels of THC. This is your head high, your munchies cravings, laughter, and the reason why everything looks, sounds, and tastes better. This differs from Indica, which is preferred for a body high, used medicinally as an effective relief from pain, and aids those with sleep apnoea. Again, to think of all the legalities that would have to be put in place… complicated.

In a survey I conducted on cannabis use and knowledge among students, 17 of the 30 asked said they smoked marijuana, four said they didn’t, and nine said they did it occasionally. Four smoked daily, 10 smoked weekly, four smoked a few times a month, and nine smoked everywhere from the odd occasion to never. Some 28% said they had their first session between the ages of 9 and15, while 68% had their first session between the ages of 15 and 19. Those who chose not to smoke gave several reasons, ranging from the cost to the anxiety and lack of confidence they experienced for days after. People who chose not to smoke but who had had experiences in the past said they felt too out of control, fatigued or paranoid. One applicant said simply, “Where am I?” Some 19 of them were in favour of legalisation. Some suggested the positives in the industrial qualities of hemp, and others on the potential benefits to the economy if the government taxed it. One said, “I think marijuana should be legalised [but regulated] and then sold in stores. The government could tax it as well as utilise its properties. The government would earn huge amounts from the tax as well as tourism to the country.

They would save money on criminal costs and people in this country would be much happier!”

Another said marijuana “should be legalised to free up resources to stop real criminals like those making P, become a tax earner for the government, and hemp can be used for hundreds of different things such as oil to run cars, make paper etc, also [for] medicinal purposes.” A lot of participants argued the all-too-common cigarette/ alcohol dilemma and how those products are worse for the country than marijuana.

Some said marijuana should be decriminalised to prevent any more time being wasted by authorities and therefore wasting taxpayers’ money. That way “society can

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spend more money on more pressing issues, rather than clogging up the court system with misdemeanors.” A surprising 24 said they were aware of the medicinal and economical benefits marijuana can have on society, four weren’t aware, and two said they were aware but believed there were many negatives and that there were sure to be economical benefits, although medicinal qualities were arguable.

Some 90% of those surveyed said they had tried synthetic cannabis substitutes and when questioned on their experience produced some interesting answers. Some said they felt sick and out of control, not knowing what chemicals were in the synthetics, while others preferred synthetics due to drug tests.

Answers ranged from “fucking horrific”, “fucking lethal” and “so fucked up”, to simply “fucking mean as”. On synthetics and marijuana use one said, “Marijuana has decades of research, synthetics tend to be strands and chemical variations with no real research. The side effects and effect on the users are almost unknown. In all honesty, we are better off shelving MDMA than smoking synthetics, as MDMA at least has 20-30 years of research.”

I left an open comment box to allow for other feedback. One applicant said, “Whilst I agree with the legalisation of weed, I do still believe that weed can be very harmful to particular users (especially first-timers). A close relative and myself have both been through extremely unpleasant side effects (on going paranoia/anxiety) brought upon by our experimentation with the drug. When legal (and I say when) authorities should make very clear the potentially damaging effects of the drug and ways to avoid and ‘get through’ these unpleasant side effects. I love the odd hit now (actually every weekend probably), but it would have been great to have been more educated about ‘what to do when it goes bad’” On the agricultural benefits of hemp, one said, “Why use up the forests which were centuries in the making and the mines which required ages to lay down, if we can get the equivalent of forest and mineral products in the annual growth of the hemp fields?”

The controversial topic of marijuana needs to be toned down. It’s been made out to be a much bigger deal than it’s worth (and that’s a lot).

Advocates have every reason to present the ideas both medicinally and economically to the public for the benefit of society, but there’s a difference between feeding information and force-feeding information. Those who don’t care what happens will continue to smoke under the radar. Marijuana has been considered a gateway drug, but I think it has more to do with the fact that after we’ve been told over and over again by the media and our government not to smoke it because of the adverse effects, only to realise it’s not as bad as what it seems, we begin to question what else the media and government has lied about.

Real eyes realise real lies. Don’t be a greener, try keeping your mind open and pay attention to the topic and see where it leads, take note of your economy and the benefits marijuana is producing overseas both medicinally and economically. Smoking may very well be our future.

Illustrated by Brodie Nel

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THE FACE OF THE ‘NEW’ NEW ZEALAND The Hon Steve Maharey was an important member of Parliament, and is now Massey’s Vice-Chancellor, the “big boss”, fronting ads for TV and putting the university on the map like it has never been before. Morgan Browne and Claydan Krivan-Mutu chatted to him about Massey’s proposed fee increase, his “active” teenage life, and those cheeky glasses, and found him to be charismatic and personable.

At 15, he left school and bought his first motorbike. After studying sociology at Massey in Manawatu, he was a senior lecturer, became the fourth-ranked Minister in Government for nine years, holding at various times the positions of Minister of Education, Social Development and Employment, Child, Youth and Family, Housing, Broadcasting, Youth Affairs, Minister for the Community and Voluntary Sector, Associate Minister of Education (Responsible for Tertiary Education), and Minister Responsible for the Education Review Office and the New Zealand Qualifications Authority, Research, Science and Technology, Crown Research Institutes, Television New Zealand, Chair of the Cabinet Social Development Committee, and MP for Palmerston North for 18 years from 1990 until 2008. Not many universities have a boss quite this freaking awesome.

What have you tried to change or retain about Massey since your commencement into the Vice-Chancellor position?

The big thing we’re trying to retain, or rejuvenate, is the whole historical purpose of Massey. I think that Massey’s position in New Zealand has always been quite special.

It’s not a normal university. It’s a university that grew out of the roots of New Zealand because it comes out of the agricultural history. This is really what New Zealand has been about through its history and still is today. The combination is that very ‘New Zealandness’ that Massey has, combined with having to do world-breaking work, with the ability to translate that work into things people could actually use – that’s the spirit of Massey. I felt that had gotten a little lost when I arrived – I thought that the university had focused a lot on growing. It had grown into three campuses when it traditionally had just been one. It needed to restore its purpose in life – what is it doing here. That’s clearly not just in agriculture: it’s to do with elite work and forwardthinking, ground-breaking work, with a real sense of application. That’s what we’ve tried to do.

We’ve heard rumours that Lincoln University might be ‘bought out’ by Massey.

How much truth is there to this?

None. You can’t buy out a university. Each uni operates under its own piece of legislation, so you can’t buy them. But there has been a long-running, many decades discussion about Massey and Lincoln. Our message to Lincoln and the government (who would like to see something change) is that our door is always open, and we would really positively lean into a discussion about a relationship between Massey and Lincoln. We already have good relationships with Lincoln and we operate in joint ventures with good cooperation. Anything closer than that would mean the government has to step in and say that they want to implement it, change legislation, and allow that to go ahead.

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Massey has recently proposed an 8 percent fee increase for the education, social sciences and humanities papers. What additional services will students expect to receive if this goes ahead?

The reason we were applying for the 8 percent increase was because the current legislation says that the maximum fee increase a university can have in a year is 4 percent. Although they don’t seem to ever allow it, there used to be a legislation that you could go for 10 percent on an application – but now it’s eight. You do that for a specific area that you can demonstrate requires an increase in funding. They’ve never done it, so the chances are that we’ll never get it anyway, but in 2002 Massey’s council agreed to a zero fee increase. That was already after the university had set quite low fees in comparison to the rest of the university sector. Massey’s fees – for about a decade or more – have always been at the bottom of the fee structure for universities. In some cases, they’ve been way behind. When the fee freeze came along, that compounded them, so from 2002 to 2013 we might have lost $50 million to other universities by not having the same fee structure. We can never catch that up and we’ll never have a chance just to lift our overall fees to a higher level because the government clearly isn’t going to allow that. So we have applied for – obviously out of kilter – in the areas like education, which is lower than anything else in any other college. The outcome of an increase in fees is not so much that we’d offer more services, it’s just that we’d have much the same money as the other colleges and get about doing provision of knowing what students would expect. I think we do pretty well because we don’t run the university on the basis that those areas have to carry their own costs; we do some moving of money around from time to time, so nobody in these areas are suffering at Massey. It’s going to be very difficult to do it across the board so we’ve applied for some exemptions and not got them. We’re not likely to get them, but we’ll carry on trying.

Explain the differences between being Vice-Chancellor at Massey and the Minister of Education.

The Minister of Education covers everything – this is a policy and legislation role – and allocating resources to drive that. The Vice-Chancellor has a policy role within the university, but is essentially a manager. Ministers do some management i.e. the office and people who report to it, but now I’m much more of a hands-on, day-to-day manager of an institution. I’ve gone from a governance role to a Chief Executive’s role.

You studied in Manawatu in the ‘70’s. What are the differences between university culture in the ‘70’s and now?

The difference across the Western world in cultures is absolutely marked. I’m a working-class boy who would never have considered going to university. I was the first person in my family to go to university. Universities in the 60’s and 70’s were these

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Quotes Our generation was an experimental one. The 60’s were very experimental times. I’m afraid it’s lost in the blur of time but it was quite early [laughs]. I can’t remember it distinctly but I remember being a rather active young man from a very young age [laughs].

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Our generation was an experimental one. The 60’s were very experimental times. I’m afraid it’s lost in the blur of time but it was quite early [laughs]. I can’t remember it distinctly but I remember being a rather active young man from a very young age [laughs].

massively expanding, exciting places to be that were very heavy on education and not on jobs. Jobs were just so easy to get. If you were breathing you could get a job in the 60’s and 70’s. Lots of people who had never been to university or dreamed of going to university, were going to university around the Western world. People who were from non-traditional backgrounds like the African-Americans were going to university for the first time, issues in environmentialism – it was a huge time of social issues, which is why my discipline in sociology was booming around the world. My classes were 1000 people. Now, around 200 is a large class. It was a time heavily focused on education coinciding with heaps of social change. It was a hugely liberating experience.

We didn’t have all those social pressures that you have now – you guys seem to me as money-involved, pressure-to-pass orientated (that goes with the money), a concern about getting jobs when you leave, your parents are concerned because they’re worried about your future, and they’re probably paying for you a bit as well, so it’s become a lot more focused on the job outcome, as opposed to the educational focus. One thing I worry about is the space that we had to think about things – the programme was a year long, with big pressure on exams. Whereas now it’s all short semesters, lots of internal assessments. The style of my education was that we’d often turn up at a lecturer’s place at night-time, we’d get together ourselves and talk because we could. We quite often followed our passion a bit more than you’re able to. There’s a “would love to do this but I can’t, got to finish this other thing first” mentality now, that I didn’t have. I worry about this – it’s the one thing that may have been better when I was at university than in your time now. The pressure to get things done is heavily weighted.

Do you agree or disagree that your glasses make you bear a striking resemblance to a young Albus Dumbledore? [laughs] Well, they probably do! I had never seen Harry Potter until recently.

They’re actually Lindberg glasses that I bought in Shanghai. I quite like glasses. I see you probably do too [Claydan wears glasses]. You might as well wear something you’re interested in! I usually buy glasses every three years as part of my wardrobe. I saw these in a shop and thought ‘that’s a bit different, I’ll have those.’ I bought them from liking them, not because they’re from Harry Potter. I clearly need a wand now.

What’s wrong with your eyes?

I have astigmatism in one and I’m short-sighted in one and long-sighted in the other. I’ve had glasses since year 7 at school. What’s wrong with yours?

Claydan: I can’t see out of my left one.

Maharey: We’re both the same.

Claydan: Twins. [laughs] Massivemagazine.org.nz

If you were a current student at Massey, what club would you join?

Tramping. I really enjoy tramping. I would probably these days get into some of the more cultural clubs. I would probably get into drama because of the Angie Farrow stuff – what she does with Shakespeare is just fantastic. I used to do a lot of drama when I was young – I really like experimental theatre. I’d also like to join the Chinese community, they’re pretty good.

You front the Massey advertisements – do you enjoy this?

It wasn’t something I wanted to do, but I do enjoy it. I have done drama for a long time. In various jobs I have had media roles, so it’s been enjoyable to do something that I haven’t done in this form before. The idea came from a company called Assignment that we use to guide our advertising who are one of the leading firms in the world.

They said to us that all advertising in tertiary educational firms is terrible, is boring and you never remember it, so people are just wasting their money. If you want to crack through this you need to stand up for your own institution and talk directly about it.

So you need to front the ad. I thought that I’d take their advice and do it. We did the first [in the world] ad shot on an iPhone last year which was unique and this year is all about the Formula One super car, which we have a lot of interest in. The university produced this world-class super car. I have driven it in the ad, at about 20km an hour.

I have been on the track in it with Jock Freemantle, the owner. That was a lot of fun.

Vice-Chancellors were pretty anonymous back in the day, as universities were pretty inward looking organisations and most of their staff had never met them. But I think that’s changed now and as the leader of an institution you should be well known and your staff should know you well. It’s a struggle to be in touch with students as much as I’d like. It was a fantastic day filming the latest one.

Because you front those ads, do you align yourself with the Big Save Furniture lady, the Mad Butcher and the Briscoes lady?

No – I think that’s one of the things you’ve got to be careful of, that the way we do these ads doesn’t tumble over into that kind of retail look. But more as a champion of the organisation. More like the guy from Telecom who has fronted their ads. There’s a style that goes with Big Save and so on, which is retail and there’s a style that says that we’re a high quality organisation and I want to represent that. Theirs is a call for action whereas ours is reputation building. Ours is building a sense of image for the university. It is a fine line but hopefully we haven’t crossed over into that territory [laughs] What’s the most interesting pronunciation of your surname?

I always joke that I went into politics because I was sick and tired of people not being

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able to remember my surname. There are only a few Maharey people in Australasia, we’re not a high-breeding family, so if you ever meet a Maharey, they’re my family. It’s varied from Mohoney to Ma-hairy to Ma-harry, McHarey, to My Hairy [laughs]. The permutations are endless. It’s an Irish name. Everything possible has been used to say my name. My older brother was a very famous rugby player so people learnt to say it.

Tell us about your first kiss. [laughs] It would have been with my mother, probably when I was 1 [laughs], I hope so, anyway!

What about with a little bit of tongue though? [laughs] Our generation was an experimental one. The 60’s were very experimental times. I’m afraid it’s lost in the blur of time but it was quite early [laughs]. I can’t remember it distinctly but I remember being a rather active young man from a very young age [laughs] What’s it like now? A bit different, probably? We were experimenting with relationships quite early, much to the disturbance of our parents probably! I left home at 15, so it was a time of wanting to get out. Whereas my kids have been all about never leaving home! [laughs]. Very different.

On the cover of MASSIVE issue one, we saw you attack a hoard of zombies (cover illustration by Massey student Brodie Nel) – What would your weapon of choice be in a zombie apocalypse?

It would have to be an axe. I’ve watched enough zombie movies to know they’re very handy. That or a baseball bat. That Woody Harrelson movie, Zombieland, was thoroughly enjoyable.

Who is your favourite politician in government right now?

Oh God … [laughs]. The most effective politician is Steven Joyce I think. He’s the big operator. I think Russell Norman is the most on message – disciplined, focused. I think Grant Robertson does a great job in Labour. There’s nobody in NZ First worth mentioning. And nobody from the Maori parties – they’re all hopeless.

What’s your favourite word?

Well my favourite phrase is ‘Lean into it’. I intensely dislike people who just don’t get on with things. This is a phrase I ashamedly learnt from Bruce Willis [laughs], not some deep philosopher. He said in this interview, “lean into it, just get it done’, And that’s how I have always been. Lean into it; do not lean out of it because you will not succeed by mucking around and avoiding the problem.

You'r invit e ed

Have abou Your sa Y t Ma sseY 's futu re Mass eY.a road c.nz/ to202 5

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VISUAL ARCHEOLOGY MASSIVE PHOTOGRAPHIC FEATURE: CHARLOTTE MCCRAE.

MASSIVE Photography FEATURE

MASSIVE PHOTOGRAPHY FEATURE VISUAL ARCHEOLOGY – CHARLOTTE MCCRAE

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HARRY THE HANGOVER: AN OLD FRIEND We’re all familiar with waking up after a booze-fuelled night with that terrible headache and that unbearable nausea.

Graedon Parker introduces us to Harry: the Hangover.

It’s a situation that’s all too familiar these days. As the university week draws to an end, the need and the want to let loose and socially interact with peers becomes the priority.

The Facebook event for the party has just passed its centenarial 100th guest, so tension and excitement is rising. Some will start the night off in their flat with a casualturn-rowdy game of beer pong, while others will polish off a bottle of wine before they even leave the house. But don’t despair if the guests haven’t started arriving by nine, because everybody knows the party only really starts rocking after 10.30. At this point, everyone has broken through the initial sober small talk and are now brazenly flailing their arms around on the dance floor, engaging in interesting conversations with strangers, or strolling around full of Dutch confidence working some game on the girl from tutorial.

The next morning as the chirping birds usher the sunlight daintily in through the curtains, you wake to the somewhat familiar feeling of being knocked in the head (quite heavily) with a hammer. You try to move to a more comfortable position but this only makes the feeling worse. Your head is pounding and your body is aching. Your mouth is full of cotton and you are thirsty. You feel around and realise you are still fully clothed. The room begins to spin. You can’t remember what happened. A dark, cloudlike figure begins circling your head. It’s Harry - the Hangover.

Who is he?

The term ‘hangover’ refers to a barrage of unpleasant and painful symptoms that can arise after drinking excessive amounts of alcohol the evening before, many of which are mentioned above. There is no golden ratio of drink that is guaranteed for a hangover, because everyone reacts to alcohol differently. But, generally speaking, the more you have had to drink, the more severe your visit from Harry becomes.

What many of us don’t know is that most of the unpleasant symptoms experienced during a hangover are caused by two factors: the diuretic alcohol effect that causes the drinker to become dehydrated, (hence the cotton mouth), and then the toxic effects of alcohol poisoning of many systems of the body. They don’t call it ‘intoxication’ for nothing.

So what does that do to me?

Though drinking is considered by many to be a regular weekend event/ritual, consuming alcohol in excessive amounts can have alarming effects on the liver, brain structure, gastrointestinal system, bone density, central nervous system, and on sensory perception. It can also disrupt your sleep and other body rhythms, affect your mood, and even affect your attention and concentration. But the really messed-up thing is that most of us knew that already.

Ever wondered why a night on the piss makes you piss so much? This is the “diuretic effect” that alcohol has on our bodies, meaning an increase in the production of urine. Excessive alcohol intake means the bladder goes into overdrive, creating a big dehydration and electrolyte imbalance that leads to many common hangover symptoms, including thirst, weakness, dryness of mucous membranes, dizziness, and light-headedness. Sweating, vomiting, and even a little diarrhoea (booze poos) also can occur as a result of excessive drinking because the body can lose additional fluids and electrolytes here too.

But that’s not all. Though alcohol affects every organ of the body, perhaps its most dramatic effect is on one of the largest and most important organs in the body - the liver. Alcohol is absorbed directly into the bloodstream via the stomach and intestines and is then sent directly to the liver, which plays a critical role in blood/water regulation, and the detoxification of certain substances - in this case, alcohol.

Liver cells contain enzymes (chemicals) which process (metabolise) alcohol. The enzymes (alcohol dehydrogenase) break down alcohol into a chemical which is more toxic than alcohol itself - acetaldehyde. The acetaldehyde is then attacked by another enzyme, acetaldehyde dehydrogenase, which teams up with a substance called glutathione. Together, they form a non-toxic acetate (a substance similar to vinegar).

This process works well, leaving the noxious poison acetaldehyde only a short amount of time to do its damage if you’re having only a few drinks.

Unfortunately, from the point of view of the average student, ‘a few drinks’ means approximately 8 - 15 consumed in the space of four or five hours. Our livers are able to metabolize only about ½ ounce of ethanol per hour (approximately one drink, MASSIVE FEATURE

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It’s safe to say, that Harry is a bastard. But by drinking more than our livers can handle every Saturday, we are consensually giving him a front-row seat in the mare that is your Sunday morning.

depending on a person’s body size, food intake, etc), so if more alcohol arrives in the liver than the enzymes can handle, the excess alcohol travels to all parts of the body, circulating continuously until the liver enzymes are finally able to process it.

Drinking faster than your liver can deal with means that your glutathione and alcohol dehydrogenase defences become compromised, and quickly run out. This causes the insidious toxin acetaldehyde to build up in the body as the liver slaves away to create more glutathione, leaving the toxin to hang out in the body for long periods of time. Acetaldehyde is thought by many health professionals to have a dangerous carcinogenic effect on our brains, livers, particularly the digestive tract, and almost every other organ in the body. Having it in your body alone heavily increases your risk of developing a chronic disease such as cancer a great deal more than the average non-drinker. It helps to know that acetaldehyde is also the most abundant carcinogen in tobacco smoke. It is dissolved into the saliva while smoking.

Hardly a household name in New Zealand, acetaldehyde is one of the most dangerous chemicals we can put near our bodies, and it is amazing that this crucial and possibly cancer-causing by-product of drinking is not discussed more often in society.

It’s safe to say, that Harry is a bastard. But by drinking more than our livers can handle every Saturday, we are consensually giving him a front-row seat in the mare that is your Sunday morning.

Shit… so how do I avoid it?

If you do find yourself with a punishing hangover, the easiest thing to start dealing with it is to restore your dehydration and electrolyte imbalance. When most people hear the word electrolyte, they have been programmed by general media brainwashing to think of sugar-filled drinks such as Powerade and Gatorade. In regards to giving you a quick energy boost, these are great until the excess (hence toxic) sugar intake brings you back down lower than you were before. An alternative that could possibly be better than a modest few glasses of good quality water, is coconut water, which contains a phenomenal amount of naturally occurring electrolytes, vitamins, and minerals. Coconut water is available in cans or cartons, or more simply and more sweet tasting in its natural state – in a coconut.

To take the hangover skip even further, add the coconut water to a frozen berry fruit smoothie or fresh fruit/vegetable juice in the morning. Packed with vitamins and minerals, and already ‘digested’ by the blender or juicer, this life-giving brew, full of fruit, vegetables, and other goodies, gets VIP treatment in your body because the stomach doesn’t need to invest energy to break it down, meaning the liquid is circulating in your blood within 20 minutes.

Massivemagazine.org.nz

There are a myriad of things you can do to cure a hangover, but much like modern medicine these days, the root cause of the problem is never figured out in the first place - which in this case is excessive drinking.

People in social situations drink for many reasons: some of the main grounds being lubricating social conversation, gaining a little extra confidence, forgetting and unwinding from the stresses of life, or merely just getting a little crazy with mates. But when you boil it down, many people drink simply because everybody else is drinking.

My own personal relationship with alcohol has somewhat dwindled since I was exposed to what alcohol was really doing to my body and the detrimental effects it could have on my health and sanity. According to the 2013 Global Burden of Disease study by the World Health Organization, alcohol has been rated as the No 3 killer in the world, trailing closely behind hypertension (high blood pressure) and cigarettes.

This was enough excruciatingly alarming evidence for me to start cutting down the amount of alcohol I consumed, but in some ways this abstinence has made alcohol more interesting, because drinking has become a flirtatious event which sneaks around only ever so often at celebratory and monumental events, only to flee like a stranger in the dark before the sun comes up, never to be seen again - for a few months at least.

Though many will find the one-drink-an-hour concept hard to grasp, one foolproof method to start working towards this goal is to have one drink, then secretly fill the bottle/vessel (preferably coloured and not transparent) up with water. It will be hard at first, but this is just one of the steps you can take to try to intelligently plan out your alcohol intake for the evening, and get to know your limits.

At the rate that most uni students drink, simply aiming for a sober weekend every month is a great place to start, and the magical feeling of waking up with no hangover on a Saturday and Sunday may liberate you to go for two, even three weekends out of the month sober or simply drinking ‘sensibly’.

In terms of getting the cancer-causing acetaldehyde out of your system, a good few days detox and a clean sweep of your diet will help repair some of the damage you have done over the past few years. For a three-day juice detox plan, plus a tonne of other smoothie recipes, food tips and general karmic wisdom, check out Education not Medication on Facebook. Get something worth eating in your feed. Harry-free.

Illustrated by Graedon Parker

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ADDICTED TO BASE: INTERVIEW WITH A BASE JUMPING LEGEND Pro BASE Jumper Anne Helliwell was at the forefront of the beginning of BASE as a jumper, is the manufacturer and owner of the first and lasting BASE parachute and container companies since 1992, a pro skydiver with over 9000 skydives and approximately 1400 BASE jumps to her name, as well as a professional BASE Expedition instructor. Although formerly from New Zealand, she has lived in and jumped for the US since the ‘80’s. Morgan Browne interviews this remarkable and ballsy woman on her philosophies and the sport that she helped invent.

BASE is an acronym for Buildings, Antennas, Spans (bridges) and Earth (cliffs). It’s a fairly new sport that involves all its name suggests: athletes jumping off objects, breaking their fall, and landing with a parachute. Helliwell is one of the world’s BASE legends, and has cemented herself as a pioneer for BASE jumping as we know it, having been the first person to make a BASE-specific parachute. She was technical director for several international jumps, including the Petronas Twin Towers in Kuala Lumpur (the world’s tallest building, at the time), MTV Sports, Paramount Pictures, and from Singapore’s 57-storey Marina Bay Sands SkyPark with other BASE experts Amanda Vicharelli, Brendan Cork, James Pouchert, Jeb Corliss, Tim Mattson (all from the US), and Marta Empinotti (Brazil), on New Year’s Day 2012.

Being a regular jumper at world events, Helliwell’s on-screen credits range from MTV to Discovery Channel, as well as holding various world, women’s, and BASE jumping records.

She was a demonstration jumper for televised events including the NFL Super Bowl pre-game show for Aerosmith, Spring Break Six-Flags Magic Mountain demonstration BASE event, baseball games into Wrigley Field Chicago, Beijing CCTV tower, Shanghai Jin Mao building (International BASE Jumping Show), Tropical Island Resort in Germany, the Yangtze Three Gorges in China, Kjerge Mountain Range in Norway, 1100 Wilshire Blvd Building in Los Angeles, and Symi Island and Zakynthos Island in Greece – to name but a few. Oh, and, – she also flies wing-suits, flies her own plane, and is a registered nurse.

It’s been said you changed the sport of BASE jumping forever. You are arguably best known as the first person to develop a BASE-specific canopy, which you and business partner, Todd Shoebotham, started building in 1991. What made you decide to follow a BASE jumping interest over skydiving?

I didn’t really follow a BASE jumping interest over skydiving – both of them were very prevalent in my life. The reason that we built the canopy was because there were no BASE-jumping parachutes. There were tons of skydiving parachutes but there was nothing specific for our sport, which was very new. We got together and came up with a particular parachute, specific to BASE jumping.

What are the main differences between the canopies?

The parachute industry was making things smaller and faster. In parachuting we wanted to go cruising across the ground before we came to a stop, we wanted to have a lot of forward drive with the parachute. With BASE jumping, it was the opposite – we wanted to go slow. There was no time when we’re under a BASE-jumping parachute that we would think that we need to go faster. There’s more time when we think “Ooh, we’ve got to slow this thing down” – for instance, if we jump off a cliff Massivemagazine.org.nz

and the parachute is facing the cliff for some reason when we open, there’s no way we want it to be going fast forward – we want to stop it and back it up. Also, our landing areas in BASE jumping are not airports carved out with nice grass, like with skydiving.

They’re areas with objects such as riverbeds or streets with power lines. You would never want to go across this terrain fast. Another big factor is when you’re skydiving, it really doesn’t matter which direction your parachute opens; if it opens, fine, opens before you hit the ground and you have plenty of time to fly it, that’s what we expect out of a skydiving parachute. But with a BASE parachute, it’s really important that the parachute opens in the same direction that you’re going. We had to factor all of these in when we were building our BASE parachutes.

You sewed your own parachute once. How are canopies tested in these developmental processes – presumably you don’t just jump and hope for the best?

When I sewed my own, I actually built the whole system - the parachute, the reserve and the container. I just basically copied – I was pretty sure it was all going to work.

But when we came up with the first BASE-jumping parachute, we took a hot air balloon and a 200 pound dummy and we attached the parachute to the dummy with a harness container. Then we threw it out of the hot air balloon. When it worked, and worked and worked, then we thought “Well there’s no reason that the dummy can’t be me.” I was the next one to jump it, and I put the parachute on me, and jumped. We knew that it was going to open, and we knew how long it was going to take to open.

Everything after that was more following its particular behaviour for this particular sport. After we used the hot air balloon we used an airplane, we skydived them a lot.

With skydiving we couldn’t get the opening specifics because the speed of opening in skydiving was different to the speed of opening in BASE jumping. But we got the landing and the flight characteristics that we could test. So we took it step-by-step-bystep. There was at no time we knew that they weren’t going to work – we just wanted to know how they were going to work.

Do you still have the first parachute you sewed?

I do! It’s in my garage somewhere, stuck in a box. One day I’ll pull it back out and make a skydive on it just for fun. I’ll do a good inspection on it first, though!

You have been BASE jumping since 1982 – have you had any particularly scary moments jumping over these years?

That’s kind of difficult to answer – I’m sure I’ve had scary moments, but if I’ve had anything particularly scary then you’d think that answer would jump out in the front of my mind and I’d be able to tell you. The thing is if you get into that sort of predicament, it’s not really a scary situation – it’s just a very busy one. If you’ve got a shit-hitting-the-fan moment, you don’t say it’s scary, you’ve just got a lot going on and

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you’re really working on trying to save your life. I remember having one of those and it wasn’t really scary. You’d think afterwards, once you’d gotten down, it would be, but it wasn’t really scary until I told my friends about it and they told me it was scary.

You jumped off the Petronas Towers in Kuala Lumpur (the world’s tallest building at the time). Is there any jump you wouldn’t do?

Yeah, there are lots of jumps I wouldn’t do – we always assess the situation to see if that is what we’re going to do. Things that I wouldn’t do are ultimately things that are going to kill me, because we’re not in this sport for a death wish – we’re in it for a life wish. We want to have a lot of fun and play. If there was any aspect of the jump that I thought was going to kill me – for instance, the object was wrong, or the weather was really bad, or even if I just a bad feeling about it – then I wouldn’t go. There’s nothing wrong with going to the top of a jump and deciding not to go and coming back down.

I think that’s a very healthy part of the sport.

Are there any particular prominent jumps that you wouldn’t do?

No – if it’s jumpable, then I can jump off it. What adds to the bad situation is the wind, or something like that – as in, it’s not jumpable today. If the object itself is jumpable, then it doesn’t take strength – it’s not because I’m a girl or anything like that – it’s more about skill and mind power. I can do both of those!

BASE jumping is a dangerous sport, of which the fatalities that may occur are often in view of many people and media. An example of this is the highly publicised death of your close friend Dwain Weston, who died hitting a bridge while executing a jump with Jeb Corliss. How do tragedies like this affect you and has it ever made you want to quit?

No, I’ve never wanted to quit. Sometimes, I rethink everything and take a deep breath, but I always come up the answer that I want to go and make another jump.

Dwain was a very good friend of mine and obviously his death did affect me greatly, but what I need to get when my friends die is I need their death not to be a loss. He obviously made a mistake, and we need to find out what that mistake was, we need to learn from it, we need to teach it to other people so they don’t make the same mistake, and that if this mistake was done again, then Dwain’s fatality would have been wasted.

It’s like “I’ve already tried to tell you not to do this.” When things like that happen, I just really, really try to learn what went wrong, and then teach others and myself not to make that mistake. It actually goes deeper than with just Dwain – what happened was we used to have a four-way team for competition. There was myself, there was Nikolas [Hartshorne], there was Slim [Simpson], and there was Dwain. This was in the late nineties/early thousands. In 2002, Nikolas died off a cliff. In 2003, Dwain died by hitting the bridge, and in 2004, Slim died off a building. So, in 2005, I was walking really gently. So, out of the four of us – I am the only one left. I still haven’t quit, I still don’t want to quit, and I still love the sport. But those three were my best friends and I miss them dearly, but we learn a lot from their fatality. Anything I said and did during that time was not going to stop the outcome in the long run, it really wasn’t up to me and it’s not going to stop me.

They wouldn’t have wanted you to stop anyway, right?

No, they wouldn’t want me to stop. That’s true. I never really felt that I had to. It wasn’t as if there was something wrong with the sport. When Nikolas died in 2002 I knew exactly what went wrong and I use that today to teach other people to not do it. When Dwain died, it was more of a stunt. It wasn’t as if other people were going to do it anyway. When Slim died, this was just a freak accident. He had a problem, but when he landed we thought he was going to be fine because he had a parachute over his head. It was just not controllable. When he landed, he hit his head on an object, and that’s what killed him. That was just a freaky accident – that could happen to anybody walking down the road. None of these at any time were going to stop me. We can get all of those things that went wrong and teach other people so that it doesn’t happen to them. We don’t doubt that it’s a high risk sport to anybody.

Extreme sports such as BASE jumping must cause considerable concern for the athlete’s families – do you have a partner or children who have made you consider quitting?

I don’t have children and that choice was because I don’t want them to be subject to my high-risk activities. In my family, everyone is behind me in what I do – they support it, they put my photos and medals on the wall, and I think they support me because they know how safe I am. They know that I’ve been in the sport for a long time, they know that I studied the safe side, I teach the safe side. They’re more proud than encouraging me to quit.

You are also a registered nurse – do you exercise this profession alongside BASE jumping or do they intertwine?

Neither. Nursing works around my BASE jumping. My life is BASE jumping, skydiving and flying, and all the gaps where that’s not happening I work as a nurse.

Luckily, the job that I have accommodates that. I can call up in a week in advance and say “Hey, I’m available,” and because nursing is short on staff, they say “great come on in.” It works around my activities – it works out quite well. It’s different in New Zealand nursing, I think.

You are also a competent pilot - so multi-talented! Is it true you own and fly your own plane?

Yes, I do. I started skydiving in 1980, started BASE jumping 1982, but flying is new to me. I started flying in 2002. It’s more new to me and it still feels young and challenging for me. I’m a novice at it and I love it just because I can learn so much from it. I have a partnership right now in a little plane with a friend, and I’m also in the process of buying my own airplane, which is going to be a little faster, retractable, and a little more difficult to fly – so I’ll learn a lot more from it. So at this point, I own one and a half airplanes, and to me it’s super exciting because it’s still all new. I’m loving it!

Acrophobia is a common fear. Clearly, heights don’t seem to bother you – is there anything that freaks you out?

Yeah – getting married and having kids. And settling down and having kids. I think that would freak me out big time. I’m not very good at settling down. I tried it once MASSIVE FEATURE

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and it didn’t work. I have a house, which means I’m kind of anchored in one spot, but I’m not in the house much – I’m always off jumping around the countryside or around the world. So yeah – that freaks me out – having kids would freak me out. People say I would make a good mother but I don’t think I can tie myself down like that. [laughs] As in acrophobia, I have never been scared of heights. I remember as a kid I was out on the wharf one time and my mum was calling me back from the edge. She was too scared to come up to the edge. She said “Come back, come back”, and I said, “Why? I’m in a great spot right now – I love where I am, I can see over the edge and you can’t come and get me!” I’ve never been scared of heights. I love going up on ladders, up on roofs, and looking over the edge.

How would the average person get into BASE jumping?

You need to start skydiving first. It’s like saying “I want to get into racing a car”, but you have to learn how to drive first. As soon as you learn how to drive, you can take that activity to any discipline of your choice. Skydiving is considered a risky sport, but BASE jumping is a very high-risk sport. You have to learn to walk before you can run. There are a lot of skydiving places around the world that people can learn at. You normally need about 150 skydives before learning to BASE jump.

BASE Jumping, particularly in the early days, involved a number of legal complications for a lot of participants: have you ever had any run-ins with the law regarding your jumps?

You’re right – it was in the early days. These days, we are more accepted, there is lots of BASE jumping on TV, on YouTube, and on the internet as a whole. In the early days, we were considered to be bandits and I didn’t really have any run-ins, but I had a couple of talking to’s. I had several cops going “what are you doing, why are you doing that?” but they didn’t really see anything illegal about it because there was no law against it. But then they came up with trespassing and public endangerment because you’re doing it in front of other people. So we did a lot of hiding, we did a lot of jumping at night, we did a lot of running fast after we landed, we did a lot of jumping into cars and driving away in a hurry – but that was all back in the 80’s.

Sounds like some scenes from an action movie.

Exactly! And we were part of it. People would say “maybe that’s the thrill” or “part of BASE jumping is also the thrill of the chase” – maybe that was some people’s point of view. Mine wasn’t – I loved to BASE jump and if we had to run away because we didn’t get permission of the land or building owner, then we just did our own little thing in our own little world, would land and run away – that was all about us. When the cops came out and they started to point the finger at us – when they weren’t really sure who we were or what we were doing. After that they learned who we were and then the chase was on. If BASE jumpers jump off your building in the middle of the Massivemagazine.org.nz

night, then they were bandits. We weren’t terrorists or anything – we were harmless.

But they saw it as illegal and sometimes got nasty. But I never had a problem except for those talking to’s. I remember people looking at me going “Wow, it’s a girl – girls can actually do that – wow that’s wild”, so they let me go with warnings [laughs]. But then again, we tried to avoid it all. We did lots of hiding in bush and running fast. After that, when TV got onto it, people realised that it was actually a very interesting sport and it needed lots of skill. And then when we could start doing it during the day it helped us a lot because we could do it in the light and learn a lot more of what we were doing.

Since it was more accepted, we were a lot safer because we could see what we were doing and learn from it. It’s widely accepted in Europe, in New Zealand - it’s widely accepted in a lot of countries in the world, but not America. America thinks that you can point the finger at somebody to be responsible for what you did. For instance, if I jumped off your building and I broke my leg I can turn around and point my finger at you and say “there was no sign up there saying that I wasn’t allowed to do this, and because I did it and it was your building now you owe me money.” They have lawyers to fight that, and medical bills they have to pay. It’s really hard in America to get any sense through to some people that this is a legitimate sport. There are places in America we can go, like the open lands owned by the people – we jump a lot in that. But you still have to fight to get permission to jump off any object and the lawyers get in the way.

Anywhere in Europe is seen as the land of the people and you can do with it whatever you please. The legality factor is a big story.

It seems like a really careful, transparent sport.

You know what’s also reflected in that? When any of the guys or girls see each other, or leave to go away, everybody hugs. There’s no handshakes, or waves – everybody goes around and you give each person a big hug and say “we’ll see you next time”. It’s really lovely like that. Life is precious and we all know that. We’re there to enjoy it, not to kill ourselves. And we’re definitely enjoying it.

How do you want to go – an old lady in your chair or doing something that you know and love?

I want to go as an old lady doing something that I know and love.

Photos: Anne Helliwell

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3D PRINTING: MAGIC OR MASSACRE? Tucked in next to the Albany Public Library lies the domain of a revolutionary. He may not be Che Guevara, but he just may be Massey’s own James Watt or Henry Ford.

This is Olaf Diegel, Professor of Mechatronics and resident guru of 3D printing, the technology behind the next industrial revolution. Nathan Palairet spoke to Olaf in his office – an Aladdin’s cave of assorted bits and pieces.

I carefully step around the half-disassembled robots littering the floor of Olaf Diegel’s office and ask him what all this fuss is about.

With 3D printing, he tells me, you’re creating physical objects out of computer models and raw material. And you’re not restricted by how elaborate your object is. With normal injection molding, the process that nearly anything plastic you can imagine is currently made by, you’re limited by the molds themselves. As your object becomes more intricate and complex, the molds get much, much more expensive. By printing in 3D, you don’t need molds at all – and you can make these highly detailed objects for zero-added cost.

The technology’s been around since the 90s, when it was mainly used for rapidprototyping by big engineering companies. The machines were expensive. To pick one up would have set you back a cool $50,000 for a bog-standard model, so it was hardly for the common man. Now, as the technology has improved and with the original patents expiring, you can get consumer-grade machines for about $1000.

These machines work by squeezing molten plastic out of an extrusion head much like toothpaste, but a fraction of a millimetre thick. Over time, the object is built up layer-by-layer. Of course, what they can do isn’t a patch on the higher-end machines, and that’s where the fun starts.

Diegel pulls out a guitar body from among the debris on his desk. It’s amazingly complex, with an organic filigree shell hiding a cloud of orbiting electrons in the centre.

“About a year and a half ago, I asked myself if the technology had improved to the point where I could print myself a working guitar” he says. “Of course, you couldn’t have made this any other way, and as it turns out you can print guitars!”

Diegel didn’t stop with his first guitar, the Atom. He now has six different designs available, and recently returned from the NAMM music convention is the US with a Best in Show award for his newest model. The Americana is based on the starsand-stripes flag with famous New York landmarks embedded inside. Look closely and you’ll see the Empire State Building, Brooklyn Bridge, and the Statue of Liberty peeking back at you.

What made these designs possible is a process called Selective Laser Sintering, where powdered material is melted together with precise lasers. You’re not limited to plastic.

You can print nylon (which Diegel’s guitars are made out of ), stainless steel and even titanium. The finish here is much smoother than the desktop extrusion machines, and although they’re more expensive at the moment, as the patents behind the technology expire in the next couple of years, they’ll come down to $1000 too.

So with the proliferation of this technology that is becoming cheaper and more capable by the day, what’s next?

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Diegel reckons that within the next five years, it’ll become a “mainstream manufacturing process” and very widespread. He doesn’t think it’ll replace all forms of manufacturing, though – for simple things, existing methods will always be cheaper and easier. But for complicated or one-off things, we’ll be able to just get products made that are perfectly tailored for us.

Even now, there are applications in the medical field that utilise 3D printing.

Customised titanium hip-replacements and plastic skull transplants are already in use, and we’re beginning to print actual human tissue such as bladders, right now.

The moniker is a bit of a red herring, though. The printer doesn’t actually print flesh – instead it assembles a scaffold out of sugar and places stem cells within, which seed the growth of the organ. Don’t worry, though – these stem cells actually come from your own tissue, so there’s nothing morally ambiguous about the process.

Like 3D printing in general, the method is in its infancy. But there will be a day where there are no transplant waiting lists. From a sample taken from your own heart, or liver, a new one can be grown on demand. Want a new-shaped nose? Ears? Why bother with a nip or a tuck, when you can be your own Mr Potato Head! And perhaps a few years later on, whole new limbs for amputees will be able to be made. Of course, this is all blue-sky thinking. But think back to Silicon Valley in the 1970s – who would have predicted that from those garages would emerge the smartphone mere decades later?

However, just as those early pioneers didn’t foresee cyber-bullying on Facebook or hacking into nuclear power plants, all is not rosy in the world of 3D printing.

Whenever a new technology is introduced, people will always find a way to twist it into a way to skirt around the law.

Enter Cody Wilson, the self-described “crypto-anarchist” who is a firm believer in the fact that all information should be shared and censorship be eschewed.

Unfortunately, his ethos also extends to gun blueprints. Defense Distributed is an open-source arms organisation with Wilson at the head. Their self-described aim is to produce a “wiki-weapon”, released open-source and available to anyone to print their own firearm. Already they have released free CAD files for rifle parts, including the lower receiver for an AR-15, the same assault rifle used in the Sandy Hook and Aurora shootings in the US last year. The lower receiver is the part that’s legally the firearm – the bit with a serial number. And once you’ve got what is essentially just a box, you can legally buy the rest of the rifle parts with no background or age checks, no questions asked. After this single part is printed, you have the base of an untraceable assault rifle.

It works, too. Their latest version (yes, they update them) lasted for more than 600

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shots before breaking.

Thankfully, in New Zealand we have more sensible firearms legislation which prevents people from buying off-the-shelf parts without a licence. But Wilson’s ideology does apply to us down here in Kiwiland. As well as lower receivers, Defense Distributed has also released 30-round magazines for the AR-15 and AK-47 assault rifles. Magazines that if printed turn a legal hunting rifle into a military-style semiautomatic, which requires a restricted licence.

Defense Distributed’s YouTube channel has videos showing rifles firing round after round, Inception’s soundtrack in the background, their chilling messages resounding in white type on black: “Gun control - the dream is collapsing. Download today.”

Finally, in a perverse middle finger to authority, they’ve named the designs after Feinstein and Cuomo, senators and governors who are advocating the bans of these types of magazine in the US. “You can’t ban a box and a spring,” Wilson says. Well, we do here. His response?

“Some people are going to break the law by printing these out in their basement. I don’t care. I don’t respect their laws.”

This guy is insane. Let me get it clear, though: I’m not an anti-gun nut. I did target shooting for four years back in high school and fully support the legal and safe usage of firearms. This, though, completely crosses the line.

Although guns hype up the media into a sensationalist frenzy, they’re only one of the issues at play here. Ever since Napster back in 2001, online file-sharing has blossomed.

The season 3 premiere of Game of Thrones had more than 160,000 simultaneous torrent downloads, and media companies are trying and failing to enact pre-internet copyright legislation. So what happens when digital files become physical objects?

Will we have The Pirate Bay of things?

Clearly, our present ‘Skynet’ legislation is not working, just ask any teenager. But for once that doesn’t mean the Government is ignoring the issue. Maurice Williamson, of recent ‘Gay Rainbow’ fame, whose job outside of moonlighting on talk shows is actually the Minister of Customs, recently told Radio NZ he was “extremely worried about what 3D printers can do to border security”. He said he had “asked his officials to think hard about how to keep up with this kind of technology”. However, the automatic response here would be to look at restricting 3D printing, which would be a huge shame.

I asked Gareth Hughes, Green MP and possibly Parliament’s most tech-savvy member, about where current and future governments might stand on the issue. He suggested a taskforce be instigated “to look at how to encourage greater use of 3D printers [and] investigate the economic benefit they could bring,” This taskforce Massivemagazine.org.nz

would also look at “how ready our laws and regulations are for questions around printing restricted goods and on intellectual property laws.” MPs are acknowledging the influence this technology will have, and it’s refreshing to note that they actually have the foresight for the issue.

There is no argument that 3D printing will be a democratising technology. Anyone and everyone will be able to design and make things, ranging from grandma making a new component to fix her dishwasher drawer to getting kids playing with physical things again.

But there’s one problem with this democratic design at the moment. The computer programs to create 3D models aren’t easy to use. SolidWorks takes months and months of hard work to even start to master, and nana struggles enough with Google as it is.

Perhaps gamification of these programs can provide the solution?

Back in 2008, a game called Spore was released. You might have heard of it, if not played it. It had a highly user-friendly “Creature Creator”, where anyone could create animals using intuitive controls. Five-year-olds could and did use it. Why not apply this logic and design to other CAD programs? Virtual reality systems will only make this easier. You can physically ‘see’ and ‘touch’ the object you’re making, creating a truly user-friendly and fun experience. Once the accessibility of the software reaches this point, usage of 3D printing will absolutely explode.

We all know how fast technology changes. Who would have guessed even a year ago that we would be Snapchatting pictures to each other as freely as just talking? 3D printing is at its Horseless Carriage moment, but it needs a Model T Ford to saturate the market and bring it into the mainstream. It’s only a matter of time before the next Industrial Revolution cranks into high gear, and we’d better hope like hell we’re ready for it. Olaf Diegel is.

EDIT: As of May 6, Defense Distributed achieved their final goal – the design of a fully 3D-printed weapon. The Liberator, as it is named, is not high-tech. It’s a single-shot pistol that could just as easily be made out of scrap metal. But it works, and you can print it yourself, no knowledge required. The first Wiki-Weapon may be crude and look like a toy, but it is without a doubt a functional gun. Cody Wilson had this to say: “I recognise that this tool might be used to harm people. That’s what it is – it’s a gun. But I don’t think that’s a reason not to put it out there.” I’ll leave you to judge what you think of him, his organisation and its goal. But personally? Nutcase egotist.

Simple as that.

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SHIFTING THROUGH SPACES MASSIVE is proud to publish exemplary stories from the English and Expressive Arts schools. Let Bel Hawkins take you away for a while with her creative non-fiction piece, ‘Shifting Through Spaces’.

Mum made my brother a house quilt because shifting made him anxious. Like when you pack to go on holiday and your bags line the hallways which makes your dog starts whimpering and loitering around the car. In each new house, the quilt would be drawn from its box, in its burgundy and brown folds, each time a silvery star sewn into the sky.

This gave moving a kind of magical quality. Each of the homes in my memories picture that quilt spread over various beds in various rooms, in new necks of the woods.

Walking up the main street of our suburb, I stop to catch the zebra crossing, and absentmindedly end up outside the front door of your house. When I’d first moved to the valley and its cottage-lined coffee coloured streets I kept to the other side, away from your house and closer to the hydrangea bushes on the other side. Now, the streetlights illuminate its green and pink exterior, it’s glowing and I want to go inside.

I think of you and how you cooked me dinner that time. We sat on your couch with odd bowls and cutlery clinking through our curry. Your flat mates smiled and asked me questions. It was cold and you pulled a mink blanket off the shelf and onto knees.

My jeans were ripped and showing because I had skated to see you. You said you liked my skateboard, “Skater girl. Woah.” It started raining and you gave me your swandri to walk home in. It was big and felt like a materialisation of a hug bunched up in red and black checked folds. On the way home I text you and reminded myself that I had to give it back before you moved away. And now someone else lives in the circus house. I wonder who sits on that couch.

Meg moved out of our flat in July. It was before the winter chill had taken its bite into Aro Valley, although her absence was a void enough. She flew to Vanuatu for three weeks before moving to San Francisco. Before she left for America we had a Bollywood party and she wore a midriff top that showed off her tan, all shiney and glowing with the kind of sheen only adventure can give you. As she danced the beading on her top clinkled together like the ice in her cup. We drank too much cask wine and our floor became carpeted with glitter, our mirrors freckled with bindis. She fell asleep in the spare room that had been cleared out after she left. It was 25 degrees where she was headed, she said.

February rolled around and the lease ran out. I fell into a familiar pattern of packing, un-packing, re-packing, re-locating and unfolding my life again. I kept images; magazine cut outs, the fronts or backs of old birthday cards, pictures drawn and notes written. I kept them in a round, white collar-box given to me by a grandmother that was not my own. They mostly smell of the lavender oil from the flower farm we had when I was five. It always takes a long time to rifle through the blue-tacked stack of things I have kept since leaving at 17. The pictures stick together and at the back of one another so I sit, pulling them apart, re-arranging them in the same but different compositions.

One of our old houses caught on fire and ate some of our family history; a few boxes of photographs and the chamfer chest my grandmother sent over from when she was a nurse in Fiji. Since then, we never kept much sentimentality in our possessions. That white box is the closest thing to a sense of sameness I have, linking me between then and now and here. I think of when I leave, what I want to fill my suitcase with and what I want to leave behind. There’s not a lot of room for sentimentality when you want to be set free. I snap my eyes open and shut, taking mental polaroids of my things so I can carry them with me in my mind.

Amidst the exodus and intake into new houses, my friend wrote on her wall: ‘New neighbourhood, new babe pool.’ Our lawn was freshly shawn when we moved in. It was warm and we made jelly tip drinks in amber glasses and sat on the windowseat

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facing the street, waiting to see if we could spot some of our own. A few candidates meandered up, boxes and beers in hand. When winter came, we never saw them again.

We tried to start the lawnmower and it didn’t work. Standing in the overgrowth in our exercise pants and worn out chucks with odd socks and slicked back hair, we wished we’d forged friendships with the male counterparts on our street earlier than we had.

After my brother and I moved out of home, Mum and Dad put the house on the market. The orange house down by the river. It was the longest they’d ever stayed in one house – seven years. It was Spanish mission art deco and made from rescued remnants of the Napier earthquake. Sunbursts lined the lounge and hand-carved, oak panelling went half way up the walls in the dining room, wrapping you in its put-together history. Half the house faced the riverbed and when my brother was sick Mum moved him into the converted sunroom, hoping the light would be able to prick small holes in the darkness that had engulfed him, hoping these holes would make tunnels for them to be able to talk. “Look how the Japanese beech tree has flowered” she would remark.

My brother would roll over.

I catch up with friends over from Melbourne, after moving there since graduating.

We sit in an eclectic Mexican restaurant down the road from where we used to work together, ordering quesadillas and cheap beer and talk over the New Year. They seem in sync with one another, I feel bedraggled and worn by the winter. Ruby buys another round of cheap beer while Simon tells me about finally getting their insurance money after the earthquake and having to go back to Christchurch to visit what’s left of their flat. The lights that stretch along the walls are glowing as they thread between beads of fake fruit. The shelves and bookcases heave underneath with Day of the Dead paraphernalia and photographs from times and places far away. It feels like we’re sitting in a kaleidoscope, yet Simon is quiet when he tells me about being given two minutes and a handful of black rubbish bags by men in orange helmets to recover their things.

He looked around the flat, seeing the bottle of whiskey sitting half drunk on the table from the night before, the mouldy loaves of bread left on the counter and the entire roofing beam, collapsed across his double bed. “I just stood there and nothing felt valuable anymore,” he says and sips his Tuborg.

I have shifted house 17 times since I was born, I am told over dining table at home, merlots lingering in glasses and lining rings between teeth and around lips. I picture the empty room of my old flat I have just left behind; the cream curtains left hanging lopsided on their rail, the navy nylon carpet indented with the weight of my furniture and my things and the waxy remains of scented candles on the windowsill. I think of this as I sit at a different dining table in a different house while my parents get up and clear, clattering together in the kitchen where the feng shui pushes them closer together in the softer light. My bags are still at the door, heavy with books and washing and clothes that look out of place in small town New Zealand. The journey back from Wellington has worn me out, the wind I think, it must be the wind. My muscles ache from shifting furniture up and down zigzags of stairs and the haze of the city whirls to a stop in the earthy, open air of home. In an attempt to find familiarity, I ghost down a foreign hallway into The New Spare Room where the walls are blank and devoid of life, yet to be punctured with picture hooks for my parents’ avid art collection. Sighing and sinking into the feather duvet saved for guests, the distinct smell of lavender permeates from underneath. And I realise that perhaps there are some things that will inextricably link you back to where you came from.

Illustrated by Brodie Nel

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FEELING UPBEAT ABOUT A PRIMITIVE TECHNIQUE Josh Berry first encountered drum and bass act The Upbeats (twoman group Jeremy Glenn and Dylan Jobes) in a dark and dingy bar late one night in 2012. In anticipation of their Primitive Technique album release tour, Josh caught up with them inside an ambient café for an interview. What followed was a journey into the true essence of hard-work, the importance of keeping it real, and the changing sphere that is the music industry.

With no presumptions of what I was getting myself into, I slipped through the main door into the cramped and warmly lit club. My fellow patrons’ eyes gleamed like saucers as they bounced in time with the ceiling and the walls, and through my hazy stare there stood two figures lingering on the makeshift stage.

As the bass line pounded on into the early hours, it was clear to see this was no ordinary spectacle. As stated on their website: “Their anything-goes live performances are renowned for mosh pits, topless dancers (sometimes women), and crowd surfing”.

This proved to be a more than sufficient documentation of the events that unfolded.

Meet New Zealand act The Upbeats, a drum and bass duo made up of Jeremy Glenn and Dylan Jones (aka ‘Terror Snake’ and ‘Downie Wolf ’). Originating from Wellington, they have carved out a drum and bass niche true to their roots by experimenting with numerous artists and genres.

So, Jeremy, how did this whole thing start?

I grew up in Nelson till I was 15 then moved to Wellington and started going to Wellington High School. That’s where I met Dylan. He grew up in Wellington. We met through joint loves of surfing/body boarding and about the same time I got given my first computer and a friend of ours had just started playing with some basic production software. I didn’t have that much interest in playing instruments so I thought “that’s sort of fun” and started playing round with that. It was literally like a computer game, like not how you used it but as in the way we viewed doing it. There was no aspiration in getting good at doing it, we were just doing it because it was interesting. We did that for like four years. Then in 2001 we started actually figuring out that there was a little more we could do with this. At that time we switched platforms to a different set of software which we’re still with now which is quite in depth. We started learning about the actual techniques of producing, and within the first six months of 2002 we got our first songs signed to a Christchurch record label and it kind of went from there!

How did The Upbeats name come about?

Jeremy: Hah, there’s a bit of a story. Growing up, my dad was heavily into reggae and dub. He had this album cover that I loved. I used to get my favourite album covers printed onto t-shirts. There was this one I really liked which was from an album called Super Ape by the Upsetters, which was Lee ‘Scratch’ Perry’s band. We thought jokingly that we would be Super Chimp and the Upbeats. Around the same time, I set up my first email address which was theupbeats@hotmail.com and it just stuck. We didn’t really use it as a name for our music until 2001/02 when we had to come up with a name and we thought … we’ll be The Upbeats!

You guys have probably had that question a million times haven’t you?

Jeremy: Surprisingly. not that often. I would’ve thought because it’s not that

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traditional of a name for a drum and bass act that we would be asked it more.

When you were young, at what stage did you realise you guys could make something out this?

Dylan: Ha ha, well we were always fooling around. When we first started it was probably like three years just kinda mucking around before we actually had something serious come along which made us think maybe we could do something.

Jeremy: It probably wasn’t until we first got the deal with the Christchurch label that we thought maybe we could pursue this.

And that was the turning point for The Upbeats?

Dylan: Yeah, and it’s been an emotional rollercoaster ever since then.

Does it ever get to the point where things get too frantic and you need to just step back from it all?

Jeremy: It hasn’t happened that often but there have definitely been times.

Dylan: Sometimes you need like a holiday to step back from the music and not be bombarded with things and ideas.

Jeremy: There was a period about two years ago at the end of touring for the Big Skeleton album. We’d been for six months in a row without a weekend off. It was awesome to have that much work on but was hard playing the weekend then trying to find motivation in the studio on the following Monday.

What got you through?

Dylan: Umm…distractions. Ha ha! Surfing, computer games.

Jeremy: Yeah and doing things to take time out like going to Castlepoint and having a refresher that’s not music related – just time away for a bit.

Dylan: It can be pretty inspiring, too, just going up north to Castlepoint for a bit.

For our third album we just packed up the whole studio, got out of town and went up to a little beach house and had everything set up in the lounge.

Where do you guys source your inspiration from?

Jeremy: Umm… we both listen to a lot of different music. Jazz, rock, bluegrass, folk and a lot of other electronic stuff as well. It really varies. We get inspired a lot by the music we listen to, and with each album that we’ve written (we’ve been thinking about this quite a bit lately) we’ve been heavily influenced by certain albums that we’ve been listening to at the time. Probably the most prevalent of those was with our album Nobody’s Out There. We were really, really heavily into The Mars Volta at the time, and that kind of psychedelic rock thing inspired us. There were a lot of tracks that, even though it sounds completely different, had that vibe coming through.

With your latest album Primitive Technique, what sort of flavours are coming through?

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Generally our favourite parties are ones where there is a lot of different music. You know that when there are heaps of people playing together there’s going to be shenanigans and people just encourage each other to do stupid things!

Jeremy: We’ve been listening to a lot of the Perth group Tame Impala and love them. Saw them at New Year’s during Rhythm and Vines and that was sooo good! So that has definitely inspired some stuff. We’ve been listening to hip-hop as well which has been pretty inspirational the last couple of years for us. Acts coming through like Danny Brown, Kendrick Lamar and Clams Casino have been really good, too. For the last couple of years whenever we’ve had spare time we’ve been writing quite a bit of hip-hop. We’ve got like two albums worth of hip-hop beats just sitting there! So that comes through a bit in some of the tracks in the album.

What drum and bass acts influenced you while growing up?

Jeremy: The very first exposure was to jungle drum and bass: people like Amdukias, Roni Size, that sort of thing. When we started we were just discovering the music.

When we started getting into it heavily together in our teen years we started listening to Aphrodite and that sort of jump-up stuff which got us really excited. Then acts like Bad Company emerged and we kind of found the sound that really inspired us to produce.

If you were to put a more specific title on the genre of your music, what would you call it?

Dylan: Digital Pub Rock – ha ha.

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Jeremy: Ha ha. Yeah, two names that have really stuck for me are digital pub rock and Black Sabbath drum and bass. Raw and grungy, although that has changed a little bit with our new album. We’ve definitely spent the last maybe two years improving on what we do.

Dylan: I think doing the Shapeshifter album influenced us.

Jeremy: Yeah, we were just co-producing their new album and we had to learn a lot of stuff to do what we were doing with that.

What interests do you guys pursue outside of music?

Dylan: We’re both big surfers. Also just a lot of home stuff. We’re on the road a lot travelling so it’s nice just to be able to hang out, see friends, read books.

Jeremy: I play quite a lot of indoor sports. It’s like my thing that when I get home I get excited for it, especially playing indoor cricket.

Is it becoming easier for New Zealand acts like The Upbeats to break into the overseas scene?

Dylan: In a way it’s a lot easier. Easier but harder. Back when we first started it was really hard to get heard outside of New Zealand. We had to send out demos and it was quite a rare thing for people to hear our music. Now with the internet there’s so much music, I think it’s easier to get heard but harder to make something out of it.

Jeremy: I don’t even know if it’s that easy because people are bombarded with so many options of what they can listen to that it’s really hard to get people talking about your music. It has to really stand out or be on a really good record label.

Depict your ultimate touring scenario: Who would you be touring with? Where would you be playing?

Dylan: I think for us that one thing we’ve always enjoyed doing is mixing with people from other genres. I can’t think of who, though!

Jeremy: I guess like touring with like Flying Lotus, Noisia. Generally our favourite

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parties are ones where there is a lot of different music. You know that when there are heaps of people playing together there’s going to be shenanigans and people just encourage each other to do stupid things!

Dylan: Like a bus tour.

Jeremy: Yeah, a bus tour. We’ve never done a bus tour. I’m sure we’d get sick of it within three days.

Dylan: Yeah, it’s one of those things you’ve got to do, I think.

How do you normally go about releasing albums? Do you put anything up for a free download online?

Jeremy: Hmmm yeah... Previously we’ve done it very traditionally. Normally it’s like CD, vinyl, digital stuff which is all sold. This time round we’ve changed it a bit. We’ve let the record label take care of how they want everything to happen and so we’ve had a couple of single tunes that have been given away via free download to gain interest.

Also a full preview came out on Soundcloud.

Comparing your style of release to those of Kiwi artists like David Dallas who has put his LP’s up for free initially, would you ever consider adopting this technique?

Jeremy: Interestingly, the first single that the Vision Recording label released of ours was a track called Undertaker, which they gave away as a free download before it came out. About a month later it came out on an EP and out of the four tracks on the EP it was the highest selling one. So what started as a free download ended up being the highest selling track, which was hard to understand.

Is this something The Upbeats would consider adopting in the future?

Dylan: I guess if that’s the way it’s going to go then there’s no real point in going against it.

Jeremy: Hmmm yeah, and I think for us the focus isn’t so much on how we’re selling music. The focus is on the process of writing the music which is why it’s really cool

having the record label. We can just focus on the stuff we want to focus on which is the music. I see the music we create as the promotional vehicle/creative direction but also I don’t really envision making money off the sales of records. They’re more to promote awareness of our brand and shows.

Dylan: It would be amazing if it went back the other way and we started earning money off our music.

Jeremy: Yeah, instead of just our live performance. That’s what we found coming into the industry. Your revenue was from performing, not selling music.

In the build-up to your Wellington show this month (May 17) I understand there is a change in venue from recent years. What brought this about and what can fans expect to see?

Dylan: Ha ha ha. It was used right back in the day, maybe 15 years ago roughly and mainly for underground car park raves. We really like playing at all the different venues in Wellington but it felt like overkill.

Jeremy: We want people to feel excited about coming out somewhere different but we also want to be able to play in the dark doing something that is really fresh and interesting. We also really like the feel of it being dark and grimy and not in a really well-lit club.

Dylan: Yeah, we wanted somewhere with that warehouse kind of style and feel.

Lastly, Shapeshifter are playing in Wellington the following night with their new DJ set. Can we expect to see any guest-cameos from them in your performance?

Jeremy: Oh yeah, they’re doing their DJ thing!

Dylan: They’ll be there. I’m not sure whether they’ll perform or anything but they’ll be in attendance. We’ll get them up on stage ha ha!

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THE ADVENTURES OF DICK HARDY: GAME OF BONES After some screen stimulation, Dick decides to unleash his dragon through role-play. Brace yourselves, Hardy is coming.

So with the mid-semester break coming to an abrupt end, so too must my stories with the mature student. Having read the article in MASSIVE, she told me that she found it too strange reading about our activities and asked me not to write about them anymore! We both decided it would be best if we went our separate ways as well.

So instead, I thought I might tell you about an interesting experience I had a few days ago.

I was hanging out with an attractive female friend of mine in her new flat. There was nobody else around and she was having a blast showing me her new room, bathroom, kitchen etc. “This is where I’ll do yoga in the mornings, this is where I’ll cook my favourite meals, and look at the size of the bath! We should have one together later!”

She was a naturally flirtatious friend and certainly one that I enjoyed ‘hanging out’ with. She knew I found her attractive but told me that she had no time for boys.

She was the kind of girl, however, who was very comfortable with her body and was bouncing around the house in skimpy shorts and a loose-fitting singlet. Her lack of a bra was exciting and she would only grin at me with mock disapproval whenever she caught my eyes slipping beneath her clothes. If I could date a girl it would very potentially be someone like her.

Finally, we ate food and sat down to watch the latest episode of Game of Thrones on my laptop. Sitting on the couch, she laid her head in my lap and curled into a ball, ready for viewing. I stared down at her during the movie and admired the curve of her butt cheek which was spilling out of her shorts. Determined to watch the show, I fixed my eyes to the screen. Now for those of you who don’t know, Game of Thrones is a show that utilises sporadic sex scenes and nudity, perhaps to appeal to a wider audience. In this particular episode, there was an extremely exciting scene which, combined with the warmth and closeness of the girl in my lap, created quite a stir downstairs.

“Uhh, can you not? You’re impairing my viewing,” she said, in a proper voice, as her head was slowly being nudged higher and higher from below. We burst out laughing at my inappropriate arousal pressing into her ear.

“Look this is all very exciting for me okay,” I explained.

“Oh come on, it’s a television show!” she laughed.

“Shhh!” I told her.

As turned on as I was, the show is confusing at the best of times and I was still trying to listen. She, however, found this very amusing. The remainder of the show was spent with her ‘innocently’ stretching her neck or scratching her ear or yawning into my crotch and further teasing my confused manhood. Having maintained my erection for the better part of half an hour, my friend stood up and looked at me with delight. I looked back at her with accusatory eyes. “Look what you’ve done to me!”

She laughed at my discomfort. “Come on, you big baby, I’ll sort you out.”

She pulled me onto the ground and as I leaned up toward her she pushed me back down. She stood over me and I stared longingly at her hanging breasts and prominent camel toe. She looked at me with a peculiar twinkle in her eye and began to shake her hips slowly.

“Tonight I would look upon your face, Khal Drogo,” she said. Now for those of you who have not watched Game of Thrones, you will not understand the reference – but basically there is a scene where a female character (Daenarys, also known as the queen

Khaleesi) decides to take the lead sexually against an enormous warrior who is king of his people, the Dothraki. And so, slipping into character I grunted at her and flexed my muscles. She giggled at me excitedly and lowered into a squat just above my crotch.

It was here that she continued to swing her hips hypnotically from side to side as she slowly rocked lower and lower. I was very impressed with her flexibility and strength and she watched me with fiery eyes. Finally, still squatting, her mound came into contact with the tent I had pitched in my pants. She ground her hips lightly against the tip of my tent pole and continued to make eye contact with me. I remembered the scene from the movie and struggled to hold her gaze (in the scene, Daenerys is taught to make eye contact with Khal Drogo). Then, without moving her eyes, her hands reached between her legs and began to dismantle my pants. “I will take what is mine with fire and blood,” she said. I reached down to help her but she swatted my hand away. “No,” she told me.

“No,” I repeated with a smile (another episode reference). Finally she pried my member free and continued her seductive hip dance against me. Still in character, I talked to her in a deep voice filled with authority and lust. “You obviously squat Khaleesi,” I told her and she smiled at me, pleased with herself. Then, she lowered herself onto her knees, straddling me but still hovering above me. She then did something I’ve never experienced before but have thought about many times afterward – she squeezed her toned thighs together so that only the head of my manhood was trapped between them. Then very slowly, and still staring into my eyes, she began rocking her hips in a circular motion, massaging me between her legs.

The sensitive underside of my penis was pressing into the soft warmth of her mound and it felt incredible! She began to rock faster and faster and I leaned up to kiss her.

I imagined myself as the large warrior Drogo, and her as the stunning Khaleesi as she thigh-tangoed my cock, proving her authority as my queen. I gripped her then and could feel her arousal seeping through her pants.

We kissed passionately, fuelled by the spontaneity and thrill of the moment but also by the lust already entrenched into our characters. We felt so daring in the middle of the lounge or, if we used our imaginations, in the middle of the Dothraki plains. She reached behind herself now and clutched my balls in her hand. She gripped them tight, exerting her power. I sucked on her tongue as I felt a familiar surge approaching. I was helpless to her erotic motions and I began to buck helplessly into her thighs as her eyes molested my own. She was drunk on her power over me and I obligingly relented to her. We kept our eyes locked as finally I couldn’t hold back any longer, our lips locked, and with a manly grunt I exploded against her sweet tender thighs. She continued rocking slowly against me, draining me as I felt myself spasm in tortuous ecstasy. Her jerking hips and shorts were soaked with my juice and she finally ground to a halt. We both lay still, high on our amateur role-playing experience. Her eyes danced with fire as she stared at me. Finally she leaned in and whispered in my ear, “We are definitely doing this again. I’ve got a bunch of characters you would just love to meet.”

Until next time folks.

Stay frisky, DH Illustrated by Jacob Sparrow

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ASK A GURU H AV E A P R O B L E M ? G U R U C L AY DA N A N S W E R S Guru. You make me wet. But a lot of other things do too, and I am constantly horny. How do I control it?

Guru has this effect on most people. Let me help you control your lady tap. I’m pretty much a plumber as well.

You need to breathe. It all comes down to breathing techniques. If you feel your undies beginning to soak up, count to 10, inhale through the nose and out your mouth, and think unpleasant thoughts. If you can’t think unpleasant thoughts, and then do this: don’t think about walking in on your parents playing with each other (reverse psychology). Boom. Vagina drought.

That is a short-term fix, but you need to think about the long term. We need to calm the fanny down. You need to find out what makes you so horny. Find it, then get rid of it, or keep it in moderation.

If all else fails, flick that bean. Flick it super hard.

Guru, how do I stop being friend-zoned? All my friends are in serious relationships, and I mean ALL my friends, except me and it’s because I’m always the friend. Do you have any tips that could get be out of this rut?

The friend zone – the most dangerous zone of them all. I think every single person out there has been friend-zoned, so you don’t have to feel like you’re the only one. But I know what you mean. It’s not cool.

Firstly, what exactly is a friend zone? Its when you meet someone, you grow fond of them, and then the worst words in the world are said: “I think we should just be friends”. BOOM. Never, ever, ever will you be with that person (unless you have some sort of super human power to change their mind).

So how do you avoid it? Here’s the scenario: you just

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meet someone real cool, good looking, future partner for life. You introduce yourself, and you fall in love, you want to penetrate, be penetrated, or scissor them.

Be calm. Be cool. Be collected. Don’t be too nice, but be nice enough so they continue conversation. Be interested in what they have to say. Ask questions. As the conversation comes to an end, don’t just leave it, grab their number, and be flirtatious with the goodbye, show them that you are keen on them. You could end it with a nice slap on the bum. Or a cheeky ball grab or boob rub.

Once you have planted that seed, wait 24 hours, and then make the move. Give them a text and do the cheeky Facebook add. Talk to this person, pick up hints, and don’t become the friend. After a little while talking, ask to go on the official date. Hopefully, this date will result in the whanga’s.

If it doesn’t then go back to being #foreveralone, and remember the wank hand will always be there.

I want someone to take a dump on me. How can I make this happen?

I’ve once had this urge too. How nice would it be to have somebody else’s faeces on you? You have to approach this matter very carefully – you don’t want to scare the potential shitter off. Firstly, make sure you dose them up on laxatives – you want their poo to be easy. Then ask this: “Hey, you know what would be cool, if you squatted over me”. The squat is the natural position for poo-ing, and boom, it should just flow after that.

If your partner, or random person, isn’t keen on the poo, you can always poo in a bag, buy a plastic doll and do a simulation. Or just stop having a weird fetish.

Guru loves you, but Guru is not keen on the poo.

Guru, my girlfriend likes to blow trees but doesn’t like the taste. What can I do?

By tree I assume you mean willy. Here’s some quick tips to make her want that willy. Put some flavouring on it, make it taste like something yum. Dress it up, put a bow tie on your willy, make him look classy. Manscape – no one wants pubes in their mouth. And next time you shower, scrub the shit out of it, make it shine.

And if she wants your man juices in her – be sure to drink pineapple juice a couple of days in advance, and avoid fatty foods. According to Google, pineapple juice makes it taste nice.

As always, be safe. Get checked, be clean – no one wants an itchy bean (by itchy bean I mean willy, or fanny).

I’m gay. How do I tell my friends and family?

Being gay is perfectly normal, and it’s time for everybody to realise this. Embrace it and make sure that you have come to terms with being gay, and are comfortable with it. Once you feel comfortable, make sure you inform your friends and family in a positive way, enforcing that it doesn’t change who you are, it just means that you like the same sex.

If you lose friends and family because of it, fuck them. You are FAB-u-LOUS! Ask Guru questions anonymously on massivemagazine.org.nz/ask-guru-otdl/

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A TRIP IN AMSTERDAM T R AV E L , A N N A Ta B R U M In January this year I got to spend a week exploring Amsterdam. A group of three friends and I were travelling in London at the time and bought cheap tickets online for 50 pounds (NZ$92) return.

The first thing I noticed upon arrival was that it was freaking freezing. London had been cold but Amsterdam really gave you that arctic ‘I’m unsure if my hands and feet and face are still there because everything’s so numb’ feel. There was no snow, but by our third day the concrete cosmopolitan was masked in powdery, white flakes. Amsterdam looked like one of those magical little snow globes. We hadn’t quite prepared ourselves for the sub-zero temperatures and so I wore every item of clothing I’d bought with me every day. I always wore two pairs of undies because my buttocks were in a constant state of paraesthesia. I’d once laughed in the face, or rather the backside, of thermal underwear, but after freezing my butt off literally, I’m now an avid believer in woollen undies! We looked homeless all the time. We probably smelt homeless too.

Amsterdam is such a delight to just meander around.

Cobblestone streets snake their way through an old city originally settled as a fishing village. Everywhere there are arched, brick bridges which give passage over boat-lined canals. The architecture is extraordinary – renaissance buildings with stepped gable facades give the city a distinct Gothic feel. There aren’t many cars on the road but there are bicycles with baskets everywhere.

Another popular form of transport in the city is the tram which may take a few trips in the wrong direction to master but it doesn’t even matter because you’re in Amsterdam! And getting lost is the best way to explore this eclectic city.

There was a lot to learn about Amsterdam because I really didn’t know anything about it. It has such a rich

history rooted in political, economical and cultural struggles which have shaped Amsterdam into the innovative, unique, and colourfully liberal place it is today.

My favourite thing we did in Amsterdam was visit Anne Frank’s house, The Secret Annex. It was a very surreal few hours where we were able to walk around the house that the Frank family had hidden in during the German invasion of the Netherlands in World War II. Extracts from the diary Anne had written while she was in hiding with her family guided us around the house, horrifying truths of Jewish people’s experiences were told, and homage was paid to the millions of innocent lives lost during the holocaust. The museum was filled with people from all over the world. Despite the number of people packed into the house, you could have heard a pin drop.

The most foreign thing about Amsterdam was definitely the coffee shops. Marijuana is legal in Amsterdam and you can purchase a diverse selection of produce from any number of coffee shops lining the stoned streets (excuse the pun). This draws a massive crowd of tourists to Amsterdam each year and the city is constantly bustling with activity. Unlike other major cities around the world though, Amsterdam is very chilled. Go figure.

Eating was an activity we excelled at in Amsterdam.

Almost every second shop in the centre is a haven for delectable treats. So many pastry shops! And all it took was to walk past the front window and catch a glimpse of the freshly baked croissants, cheesecakes, apple strudels, banoffee pies, chocolate éclairs, and waffles covered in cream and decorated crowned in fruit.

Dribble, dribble. There was no such thing as breakfast, lunch and dinner for us because admittedly, we were always eating. When we weren’t accidentally stumbling

upon food, we were purposefully planning what to eat next. Trips to the supermarket were highly anticipated.

I became obsessed with the freshly squeezed juice you could buy in one-litre bottles as well as stroop waffles which were errrrrrrrrrrrywhere. We frequented The Cheese Cafe which was located on a wharf by the water.

When you walked into the cafe there was free cheese all over the show and it was heavenly. Pizza for breakfast or second breakfast wasn’t uncommon. Luckily it was only a week’s worth of holiday – I wouldn’t have fitted on the plane home otherwise.

Amsterdam really is an amazing place to visit – there is heaps to do and see! We were there in the heart of winter which was magic, but if you go June/July/August you’ll join the hoards of people from all over the world who travel there for the warm weather, long days, 10pm sunsets, and outdoor festivals.

The only downside to Amsterdam is it is very expensive.

So make sure you save up a bit of dosh. Also, when it comes to backpacking, saying you get what you pay for couldn’t be truer. We got a pretty sweet deal on accommodation: we paid around 60 pounds (NZ$110) each for five nights at a backpackers in the heart of the city. However, as soon as the lights went off at night, a posse of rodents would emerge and we could hear a chorus of scurrying claws across wooden floors as well as through the roof and walls. All … night … long. So just be sure to choose carefully. Scope out the internet for reviews and any other information you can get. At the end of the day, it’s all part of the experience, though, right? And why shouldn’t the rats get to enjoy themselves, too.

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GET A LIFE, GO OUTSIDE g a m i n g , A L L AN W E R N E R In April last year I wrote in MASSIVE about the ending of a game called Mass Effect 3. There was a very loud vocal minority on the internet which was upset about the conclusion of the trilogy. In April this year, Callum O’Neill gave his thoughts about the seriously botched launch of a game called Sim City. The two games have almost nothing in common with each other except for one thing: they are both published by Electronic Arts, the same company that in April was voted “worst company in America” by the readers of consumerist.com.

Taking out Google, Apple, Facebook, Wal-Mart and even Bank of America in the finals for the title of “Golden Poo”, this makes two years’ running with a landslide 78% victory this year. Being one of the giants in video game development, the company is well used

to being the subject of severe scorn and scrutiny … but seriously, Worst company in America?

I’ll be the first to person to admit that I’m a gigantic blubbering nerd. I own both an Xbox360 & a PlayStation 3 and a $3000+ desktop computer that I made specifically for playing video games. I also bought the entire Dragonballz collection on DVD for nostalgia’s sake. But seriously? I know people are becoming stronger at consuming every day, but I lost a little faith in humanity when I read this news for myself. Apparently a company that makes video games that aren’t as good as their customers would like is worse than one that holds dangerous amounts of personal data about you and billions of others (Google), rumoured and speculated to use slave labour to produce its products (Apple), and had a documentary made about

about how it destroys local economies when it opens in their area (the ‘Walmart Effect’).

Electronic Arts’ COO, Peter Moore, wrote a blog post in response to the crowning, in which he said “We’ve seen mailing lists that direct people to vote for EA because they disagree with the choice of the cover athlete on Madden NFL [an Xbox360 game]. Yes, really…”

I’ll quote Colin Moriarty of IGN when I say “I wish people would get this passionate about things that really mattered”. It just goes to show that the audience that video games have will do anything to smear whatever they want on the internet. I suppose it’s easier to sit there and be an angry nerd than to get your priorities straight.

Maybe I’ll go outside today.

AUTUMN EVENTS, SPRING BREAKERS AND CANNES 2013 F I L M , PAU L B E R R I N GTO N Well, it’s getting to that time of year when the weather turns crap and the winter jackets come out. In other words, the perfect time to catch up on some movies.

As I’ve mentioned here before, the good people at the International Film Festival have several programmes on over the course of the year, the latest, Autumn Events, offers old and new films from across the globe that you simply won’t see at the multiplex.

What’s So Great about Godard? features three films from French New Wave director Jean-Luc Godard, a legendary filmmaker whose work in the 60s revolutionised cinema. All the films feature Godard’s wife, muse, and star, Anna Karina, herself an icon of 60s cool and chic. Vivre sa Vie (1962), Bande a Part (1964), and Pierrot Le Fou (1965) still stand up as provocative and experimental cinema and provide a great source for students of media and script writing in understanding the French New Wave.

Another classic, Lawrence of Arabia, shows in a restored version, justifying its position as one of the

most visually stunning films of all time. Elsewhere, David Cronenberg’s son Brandon shows a similar taste for body horror in Antiviral, while Mark Wahlberg’s new director of choice, Icelander Baltasar Kormakur, is represented by The Deep, the story of an ordinary man surviving for six hours in an icy Atlantic Ocean.

There are many other cinematic delights, including documentaries and anime, so head over and check out the NZIFF website for more details.

Spring Breakers has been one of the hardest films to pick since it was announced that squeaky clean Vanessa Hudgens and ex-Bieber girlfriend Selena Gomez would be on board. Now that the first reviews are out, it seems director Harmony Korine, the enfant terrible behind Kids, Bully, and Ken Park, has made a twisted tale of guns and drugs that balances sleaze and thrills in equal doses, with Time Out’s Dave Calhoun calling it “a warped fairytale that takes itself just seriously enough not to be dismissed as trashy exploitation”. The standout is reputedly James Franco, whose turn as wigged-out

gangster Alien, complete with gold teeth and cornrows, has been getting the plaudits from critics and fans alike.

May sees the return of the Cannes Film Festival, the world’s leading showcase of film, and this year several established directors make up what looks like a strong selection for the top prize, the Palme d’Or. Nicholas Winding Refn’s follow up to Drive once again stars Ryan Gosling, with the trailer to Only God Forgives promising stylized violence of the highest order.

The Coen brothers return with Inside Llewyn Davis, which stars Justin Timberlake and Carey Mulligan in a tale of 60s folk music scene in New York. Festival favourites Jim Jarmusch, Francois Ozon, Takashi Miike, and Roman Polanksi all debut new films at the festival, yet with Steven Spielberg head judge on the panel, expect the top prize to go to the Coen brothers, or indeed Baz Luhrmann’s take on The Great Gatsby.

Either way it’s a great chance to start your must-see list for 2013.

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UPSTREAM COLOUR C H A R L I E M I TC H E L L It can be difficult to distinguish between a film that rejects the norms of conventional filmmaking to better express the ideas of the filmmaker, and a muddled, disjointed mess that confuses incoherence for profundity.

Shane Carruth’s Upstream Color could fit into either category, depending on who’s watching it. His previous film, Primer, set the indie world alight. Its crushingly realistic tale of time travel gone wrong proposed a steely, left-brained form of storytelling, where little scraps of emotion could co-exist with a plot so complex it requires a series of progressively convoluted flowcharts to decode.

Unlike Primer, Upstream Color doesn’t make you bend your brain backwards to understand the plot.

A man and a woman are mysteriously drawn together after both being implanted with a mind-controlling organism. As they try to reconcile their shattered sense of identity and belonging with their burgeoning affection for each other, they realise they’ve been under the spell of a larger force, one that’s inextricably linked to the cycle of life itself.

Even though it’s sort of comprehensible, this is still the sort of film you desperately hope you never have to describe to anyone. Everything within it exists largely in the abstract; the story is delivered through visual metaphors and a fractured stream of images, and there is a conspicuous shortage of dialogue. It actually

resembles a gigantic 90-minute montage, where scenes (in the traditional sense) are replaced with a flurry of two-second shots set to a perpetually swelling score.

Few films rely this thoroughly on the simple interaction of sound and image - in doing so, it reaches some fairly impressive heights.

Films that are this densely layered and ambitious are commendable because they are so rare in modern American cinema. Primer, despite its strengths, was fundamentally a pile of puzzle pieces still in the box waiting to be assembled. Upstream Color’s ambitions are far grander than that, and the results are compelling: through its web of metaphors, the mystery of the plot, and the emotional beats of its characters (which are often wordlessly expressed through visual parallels), it rises above the tired cliches of romantic drama and becomes something entirely new.

Some will likely label it pretentious, which is fair enough. It’s a serious work made by a serious person, and it demands a lot from the person watching it. These traits can make it feel overly designed and methodical, which is oddly alienating at points, and the lofty questions it grapples with may seem out of the grasp of a filmmaker like Carruth.

But even if you struggle to fully decipher what it all means, it’s easy to get swept up in its mysteries and the beauty of its presentation. If nothing else, it’ll surprise you.

UPSTREAM COLOUR (2013) 4/5 Director Shane Caruth Starring Amy Seimetz, Shane Carruth,

METAL GEAR RISING: REVENGEANCE F r a n k j a eg e r Few video games enjoy the same cult status as the Metal Gear series. With cardboard boxes, alert statuses, and a title that probably made sense in Japanese, Metal Gear Rising: Revengeance certainly has all the trappings of a Metal Gear game, but is it really worthy of the title?

The ninth game in the series, Metal Gear Rising: Revengeance ditches the traditional tactical espionage action for a new moniker, ‘lightning bolt action’. No kidding, you can’t make this shit up. In the game, you play as Cyborg Ninja Raiden in a post-Patriot world where cyborg technology has run rampant.

I have to admit I felt this cheapened the image of the cyborg ninja a little, as traditionally the most badass Metal Gear characters have all been cyborg ninjas (Olga totally doesn’t count she was still biologically alive) and being able to play as one inevitably puts limitations on how powerful they can actually be. Having said that, the action in this game is ridiculous. It makes God of War look like Crash Bandicoot. If the enemies weren’t cyborgs, I’m at least 80% sure this game would be banned – kicking three people in the air and turning them into finely sliced prosciutto in slow motion and crushing their internal organs in your fist just doesn’t seem kosher.

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The stealth aspect of the game feels forced, though any Metal Gear fan will undoubtedly take some satisfaction out of being an unseen, unheard killing machine (well, half machine). The moral themes, winding plotlines, cinematic music scores, and absurdly long cut-scenes of the Metal Gear franchise have become as synonymous with the games as the elusive Solid Snake himself.

So does Revengeance live up to these narrative expectations? Yes and no. Without revealing too much, yes there is a conspiracy, yes there is an underlying moral story of war, the economy, the morals of private military, and a timely revisit to the “child soldiers suck” theme from Metal Gear Solid 2: Sons of Liberty, but it was all too predictable.

It’s no secret that this game was (Kojima Productions’ director) Hideo Kojima’s problem child, ultimately leading to huge release delays and bringing on board Platinum Games to finish the title. The lack of tactical espionage and borderline irrelevant plot could be seen as downfalls, or simply an attempt by Kojima to distance Platinum and Revengeance from his legitimate offspring.

All in all it’s a good game and a great action game, but if there’s ever a Metal Gear collectors set, I hope it isn’t included.

METAL GEAR RISING: REVENGEANCE 3.5/5 PLATFORMS PS3, Xbox360,

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IRON MAN 3 PAU L B E R R I N GTO N If you believe the marketing hype, the latest product of Marvel’s superhero series, Iron Man 3, takes movies to where they’ve never been before. Unfortunately, despite some spectacular set pieces and special effects, this is a film of many peaks and troughs, a mixed bag that is at times hugely enjoyable, yet can’t shake off being a little shabby around the edges.

Tony Stark (Robert Downey Jr.) is a man struggling with his recent experiences. Fresh out of saving the world in The Avengers, our hero is suffering from anxiety attacks, and backs away from public view to deal with these psychological doubts. Lacking sleep, and struggling in his relationship with Pepper Potts (Gwyneth Paltrow), Stark is far too tied up in his own identity to notice the frightening rise of extreme terrorist Mandarin (Ben Kingsley). Yet the Mandarin is tied to Stark in ways he doesn’t understand, and when he misguidedly involves Iron Man in the worsening conflict, he finds himself under threat from a force far greater than he had envisioned.

Iron Man 3 comes across for the most part as Marvel attempting Nolan’s Dark Knight. Sure it isn’t as dark as that, but by advancing the psychological complexities of the central character, the film heads into new territory for the franchise. This is only partly successful; the talky opening seems contrived despite some good acting, while the second act, set in small town Tennessee, is rich

with comic book context, with the buddy relationship between Stark and local kid Harley (Ty Simpkins) well mapped out. Director Shane Black (Lethal Weapon) seems most comfortable in this section, where the dialogue is strongest, and the plot makes sense.

Surprisingly it is the action scenes, despite their spectacular nature, that seem most illogical, lacking motivation in the plotting and sometimes simply happening because they need to be there. That said, there are moments of jaw-dropping scale and design, and even if the final battle lacks any true necessity, it is delivered with spectacular results. Typically fine turns from Guy Pearce as Aldrich Killian, a man with secrets of his own, and an outstanding Ben Kingsley provide the acting highlights, while Paltrow continues to underwhelm as Stark’s love interest. Showcasing his star power, Downey Jr seems settled in his role as Stark, giving the series a solid platform, bringing a brash warmth to his portrayal of the millionaire ass-kicker.

Iron Man 3 actually feels a little rushed, displaying many qualities but also many flaws. In dealing with the psychological issues of the contemporary super hero, it falters, yet while indulging in more straightforward comic book themes, it is highly enjoyable. With a tightening of the weighty script, and more focused plotting, this could be a great film. In this current form Iron Man 3 barely rises above being average.

IRON MAN 3 (2013) 3/5 Director Shane Black Starring Robert Downey Jr., Gwyneth

Paltrow, Guy Pearce, Ben Kingsley Don Cheadle

OLYMPUS HAS FALLEN C A L LU M O ’ N E I L L Hey you, the person reading this review, you probably looked at the poster before reading this and thought “Oh my god it’s Morgan Freeman, I love Morgan Freeman.” I regret to inform you that this film is not about Morgan Freeman. Yes Morgan Freeman does feature in this film, but no, even his godly voice does not save this predictable piece of action slop.

With tensions rising between North and South Korea, the President of the United States (Eckhart) hosts diplomatic talks with the South Korean President and his staff of dodgy-looking, moustachioed security men. As talks occur, a terrorist-controlled gunship flies in and manages to shoot almost every single Secret Service agent positioned at the Whitehouse, along with several hundred civilians, before crashing into the Washington Monument in a CG scene that looks about as believable as somebody ramming a toy plane into a Jenga tower. The US President is whisked into his underground bunker along with the South Korean President and his team of bodyguards who, surprise surprise, kill all the Secret Service agents in the room and take both presidents hostage.

Cue Mike Banning (Butler) a former Secret Service agent who observed all this ridiculousness from his

desk, conveniently located across the road. What follows is a gore-filled romp through the Whitehouse as Banning attempts to rescue the US President.

Meanwhile, Speaker Allan Trumbull (Freeman) is sworn in as Acting President. He sits in a room full of monitors and military officers while ordering people around and being the emotional core of the film because the other characters are too busy being held hostage or shooting people to show any emotion, and also because he is Morgan Freeman.

If you didn’t get the message already, Olympus Has Fallen likes killing people. I’m pretty sure if someone was to total the body count it would be higher than any Rambo film. The film pulls no punches with the gore: there are point-blank executions, stabbings, crushings, neck-snappings ... It’s all rather sickening.

Olympus Has Fallen is a solid but otherwise dismissible piece of action cinema. It wants to be taken as a serious blockbuster but it’s about as engrossing as watching an art museum burn down. You really don’t want to watch it, but it’s also strangely engrossing. If you are able to turn your brain off for two hours and watch a film that is the most ‘MURRICA thing you will see this year, go for it. If you have an IQ higher than five, however, you will probably want to avoid it.

OLYMPUS HAS FALLEN (2013) 2/5 Director Antoine Fuqua Starring Gerard Butler, Aaron Eckhart,

Morgan Freeman.

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WORKING ADVENTURES WORLDWIDE – IEP ADVERTORIAL The United States of America has been depicted for sometime in New Zealand as a place that is generally unsafe, with people that are loud and crass and food that is terrible. I wish to debunk this myth. Over my six months spent in America I learnt that Americans are some of the most wonderful, hospitable and fun people in the world.

America is not Los Angeles, it is not New York, and it is not Texas. It is a country with 50 different states, all of which have different cultures, food, great sights and interesting people. America is a traveller’s paradise!

USA doesn’t immediately jump to mind when thinking of a destination to experience your OE or working holiday. Up until recently working holidays were limited mostly to Australia and The United Kingdom, mainly due to the visa restrictions that are imposed by other countries. However for the past few years IEP have offered a new working holiday programme that allows recent graduates to travel and work in exciting and multi-cultural USA for up to 12 months.

After deciding I wanted to do a year abroad, with a desire to find work in the area I graduated in (Horticulture), I set out to talk to lecturers that I had formed relationships with over my past four years at Massey. It was through one of my lecturers that I got the idea that, if I wanted work in vineyards, there was only one place for it. California!

Armed with a newfound dream to work in a vineyard in The Golden State I began to send my resume around to different contacts I had made in my time at university, and to different wineries that I could find on the Internet. I hit gold when my resume was forwarded to a Massey graduate, and was subsequently sent to The Director of Grower Relations at Francis Coppola Winery (FCW), the Godfather of all wineries! A few emails later, I had been offered the position of Viticulture Intern for the 2012 harvest.

In June 2012, I set off for California. In the space of 3 weeks, my friend had found a job in the tasting room at the same winery; we rented an apartment with a pool in small town (pop. 170,000) Santa Rosa; and brought our baby – a 1987 Chevrolet Nova.

FCW is located in Geyserville, Sonoma County, which is an hour and a half north of San Francisco (SF). My position as Viticultural Intern at the winery consisted of driving unaccompanied to 100+ beautiful vineyards around Sonoma, Colusa, Lake counties over harvest to sugar sample the grapes and take notes on, and consult with growers about the grapevine health, stage of verasion and identify any areas of concern.

After harvest I moved into the lab and cellar and worked on taking tank and barrel samples, running analysis on pH, TA, and brix, and sitting in on the winemakers fermentation tasting rounds.

To say this job has benefited my career would be an understatement. I feel FCW has given me a head start into the understandings of how a winery works, from growing grapes, to harvest and winemaking, bottling, shipping and selling. My boss, who is the most intelligent and amazing lady I have ever met, showed me the importance in communication skills when working with growers, organisation skills when working alone, and more practical viticulture knowledge than I have ever learnt before. I now feel that when I enter the workforce in New Zealand I will be well armed with practical real world skills, other than just a degree on paper, which will put me in favour with future employers.

Working abroad as well as travelling allowed me to get immersed into society and learn the ins and outs of the different culture, compared to spending only a few days in a country, only experiencing the highlights. It allowed me to make lifetime friends, find

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all the good food joints (Burritos, In and Out Burger, good coffee (not Starbucks)), learn about the American political system, and discover American culture.

Armed with income, a car and the age-old American dream, this land of the free and home of the brave was no longer off limits. In my time here I visited six different states (California, Oregon, Tennessee, Florida, Washington DC and New York), went for a hike in Yosemite National Park, river rafted in the Sierra Nevada’s, celebrated 4th of July, ate too much on thanksgiving, and cheered for the SF Giants at a baseball game and the SF 49ers at an American football game. All such amazing experiences that were made possible through a working holiday, which allowed me to explore Sonoma County and San Francisco comprehensively and have a lot of fun whilst at it!

Working in America can be as easy or as hard as you decide to make it. Americans love kiwis. To them, we have a fantastic accent, with stupid words in our vocabulary ( Jandles, trolleys, togs) and have a fantastic work ethic and attitude. We have a “can do” attitude, with kiwi ingenuity and a love to muck in which makes us very favourable with employers. There are no programs that find pub jobs (which is an option when getting a UK visa) for you, however if you are willing to work hard at getting a job initially, the pay off will be huge. Every second person will be interested in your story and not only will you learn a lot about American culture, I found that I grew into my self identity of being a kiwi and developed more pride for my country than I had before.

Having the opportunity to do a working holiday in USA has broadened my mind (and my stomach), allowed me to further myself within my career, and has allowed me to meet good people, make great friends and create awesome memories. My time in America has given me such a love for the country, the people, and a feeling of community and acceptance that I am itching to get back to my second home.

California dreaming indeed.

Top 10 things to do in the US • Northern California!! The wineries and San Francisco make it a beautiful and awesome place to visit! San Francisco trumps New York in my books.

• Drink the beer and eat the food. Ditch Bud and Coors and drink the local beers.

• Experience July 4th. Watching a 10-minute firework display to “Born in the USA” is truly patriotic. Also ride a mechanical bull!

• Go to a baseball or American football game. Nobody does it as big as the Americans.

• Go to a national park such as Yosemite.

• Visit all the free museums in Washington DC. The Smithsonian and The Frick collection are favourites.

• Do a Southern State. We went to Memphis. The food is big and the people are bigger. Great history and music!

• New York! Times Square and Central Park attract tourists like moths to a flame, but there is reason for that! New York has such an awesome diversity and tonnes of attractions.

• Experience Thanksgiving. Turkey and pumpkin pie!

• Visit Portland, Oregon. An awesome, cheap and safe city that has amazing public transport, friendly people, good beer and food. It is also one of the most environmentally friendly cities in the world. “Put a bird on it”.

Work and Play in the USA students and ry ia rt te ly n o w that sive chance lu Did you kno c x e e th e uates hav for 4 or 12 A S U recent grad e th in y orking holida to have a w months? r just areer field o c r u o y in g , e workin at a ski resort g You could b in rk o w e ing fun lik ! doing someth It’s up to you . rk a p re tu n bar or adve

nth r Work 12 Mo o th n o M 4 ork USA e Join either W nd gain som a re tu n e v d ra to begin you ce. ork experien w l a n o ti a rn inte : you must be To be eligible or older R Aged 18 r ssport holde nt R A NZ pa dent or rece u st ry ia rt te R A fulltime graduate z/usa before .n rg .o p e .i w at ww Find out more it’s too late!

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