Massive: Issue 19 'On the Piss' by Massive Magazine

“MASSEY FUNDS GENOCIDE”: WELLINGTON CAMPUS GRAFFITIED FOR OPEN DAY

UNIVERSITY STAFF CALL FOR STRIKE VOTE OVER LOW PAY

“GHOST TOWN”: LACK OF EVENTS ON THE AUCKLAND CAMPUS

07. POOLS, FREE PARKING, AND A BAR? STAFF AND STUDENTS SHARE IDEAS FOR MANAWATŪ CAMPUS

WHICH DRUGS AND DRINKS MAKE YOUR MASSEY DEGREE? FOODIE DOOBIES

PARTY GIRL: TAKING REVENGE ON THE 'CLEAN GIRL' AESTHETIC 16. 26. RAMMING WITH FERGUS 29.

NEVERENDING BONG HIT: THE HIGHS AND LOWS OF SMOKING WEED TOO YOUNG 22.

Massive is largely funded by Te Tira Ahu Pae and the student services levy, however, remains editorially independent.

Disclaimer: The views presented within this publication do not necessarily represent the views of the editor.

NZ Media Council: Those with a complaint towards the publication should first complain in writing to the editor editor@massivemagazine.org.nz

If unsatisfied with the response, complaints should be made to the NZ Media Council info@mediacouncil.org.nz

EDITORIAL

PADDOCK PARTY PARADISE

PADDOCK PARTY CHECKLIST

☑Goon bag/Vodka Cruisers/Scrumby

☑ Glassons crop top and mini denim skirt (no jacket required)

☑Gumboots (can substitute for white sneakers you have a death wish for)

☑ Big fuck off paddock (and a tin shed if we’re being fancy)

As a teenager, you are often forced to find unconventional places to party. For those of us who grew up out of the city, farms were our haven. Who needs a house when you can drink in a big fuck off paddock. I’ve heard also heard of parties in abandoned bunkers, beaches, abandoned hospitals, lakes, and abandoned swimming pools basically just anywhere abandoned seems to be a great spot.

But as adults, we’re free to party in our own homes. We don’t have to hide.

This should be a good thing, but it also means that we’ve lost the camaraderie that comes with drinking in a nonconformist place. It’s all too easy.

We’ve lost the way we got to connect with nature.

I don’t know what it is about farm parties, but people tend to get more frisky than usual. Perhaps, it’s something about the environment and returning to our animalistic roots. I guess fucking around behind a big shed provides the utmost privacy.

Now that I live in the city, a farm party feels out of reach. Even for Palmerston North folk, it seems that flat parties are more the norm. I’m disappointed in P-naughty.

There are so many advantages to a paddock party. There’s no stained carpet because the vomit just mixes with the mud.

Scan for free, legal, discreet drug checking, as well as more information on harm reduction.

You don’t need a toilet (breaking the seal isn’t so scary when you can just pop a squat whenever). It’s easy to spend the night as you can pitch a tent wherever. And there’s no noise complaints because, well, there’s no one around!

I propose that unconventional party locations make a comeback.

And I am appointing this job to the students of Massey University Palmerston North. You guys can put on a good party, but I believe that you can put on an even better paddock party.

So, lock the cows and sheep away, hide the Ketamine from the Vet students, invite Fergus the Ram, pull your gumboots on and let your freak out on the farm.

Love, Sammy.

Disclaimer: The content provided in this issue is not intended to encourage the use of illegal drugs or substance abuse. The information provided should not be used as a substitute for professional guidance on responsible drug and alcohol use.

“MASSEY FUNDS GENOCIDE”: WELLINGTON CAMPUS GRAFFITIED FOR OPEN DAY

WORDS BY SAMMY CARTER A SHE/HER

On August 23rd, almost anywhere you looked on the Wellington campus you saw graffiti calling out the university for their neutrality on the war on Palestine.

At the 9am Opening Ceremony, five students sat patiently among high schoolers before standing up chanting “Free Palestine” with a large banner at the front of the hall.

This comes as students are yet to see the university take a stance on Israel’s genocidal war on Palestinians.

Massive revealed in June that the Massey University Foundation has invested $7,105 in Israeli Government Bonds.

Five days after Open Day on August 28th, Wellington students were sent an email to remind them of the university rules and inform them that the graffiti would begin to be covered.

In the email, Tere McGonagle-Daly, deputy vice-chancellor said that the paint-based protest art falls under nonacademic misconduct in the Student Disciplinary Regulations and the Student Code of Conduct

He said, “The university reserves the right to refer these actions to Police and remove the protest art or statements.”

He said protest art remained untouched on Open Days, with exceptions for protest art which included “offensive language or involved a personal attack on an individual”.

Some of the graffiti had been covered, particularly those with the word 'genocide'.

Printed signs were on display around campus stating that the university chose to leave messaging in place, and that they encourage free speech.

Whiteboards with similar messaging had been displayed at the Manawatū Open Day on August 7th, after protest chalking was found scattered around campus.

Student rep Romany Tasker-Poland took part in the Wellington Opening Ceremony protest.

Going forward, she wanted the university to front questions about if they condemn the genocide of Palestinians, saying answers so far had been “vague and unconvincing”.

“I don’t think neutral is the right stance to be taking here.”

She felt the university was “inconsistent” when it came to freedom of speech and censoring student protest.

She may have been referencing an incident in June when pro-Palestine protest art was painted over in the Wellington Fine Arts block.

Tasker-Poland's concerns were sent to the university, along with questions about divesting from Israel. However, the university did not wish to comment.

In July, a Massey spokesperson condemned the act of genocide itself. However, they did not recognise Israel’s attacks as genocide or Palestine as a sovereign state as students have requested.

They said, “Massey University condemns violence of any nature. Genocide is a heinous crime that violates the fundamental principles of humanity and justice.”

UNIVERSITY STAFF CALL FOR STRIKE VOTE OVER LOW PAY

As pay negotiations continue, a strike ballot for Tertiary Education Union (TEU) members at Massey University opens today.

TEU have tabled claims for a 6% pay increase, and for wages and salaries for the lowest paid members to be no lower than the Living Wage.

Current employer offers for general pay increases range from 1.5% to 3%.

Members at The University of Auckland, Massey University, Victoria University, Lincoln University, The University of Canterbury and The University of Otago overwhelmingly expressed their frustration with slow progress in pay negotiations.

National secretary Sandra Grey said university staff had been undervalued for far too long, saying pay growth in the sector has been much slower than the rest of the Aotearoa workforce.

“We’re talking about academic staff, but also about administrators, librarians, security staff, gardeners, and many other professions, some of whom are paid below the living wage. That’s unacceptable.

“Nobody in Aotearoa, let alone working at a university, should be paid less than what it costs to live.”

If members vote to strike, it will be the biggest show of force in the tertiary education sector since 2022 when 7,000 union members at all eight universities took action.

“GHOST TOWN”: LACK OF EVENTS ON THE AUCKLAND CAMPUS

WORDS BY YESENIA PINEDAA SHE/THEY

The once busy Auckland campus now feels eerily quiet, as the lack of events and activities leaves students feeling isolated.

While the student association did not comment, it advertised a clubs and events coordinator role on social media and Seek on August 28th.

Rhiannon Flavell, Bachelor of Science student said the Albany campus used to be known for its social atmosphere.

“Now, it feels like a ‘ghost town’. It is a shame because it is such a beautiful campus with so much potential.”

Flavell said, “As a Massey student, it feels quite sad. There used to be a lot more events and engagement for students, but now there are far fewer activities happening, or they are not being well-advertised.”

Flavell felt classes moving online was part of the problem.

“With more lectures being online and fewer events happening, it feels like we are left grasping at the remnants of what the campus used to offer before Covid.”

Master’s student Warren Chandra said the campus feels very isolated at times, leaving him looking for fun outside of campus.

"It [the lack of events] is affecting my ability to make friends because there isn't a lot of people to begin with."

Jamie Campbell, Bachelor of Arts student said the lack of events and advertisements made her feel as though she’s lacking a part of that uni student experience.

"I compare it to when I visit other university campuses, where there are constant events going on and it feels like they actually care about their students,” Campbell said.

Te Tira Ahu Pae and Massey University were approached for comment.

POOLS, FREE PARKING, AND A BAR? STAFF AND STUDENTS SHARE IDEAS FOR MANAWATŪ CAMPUS

WORDS BY ELIZABETH MOISSON A SHE/HER

0ver 200 staff and students attended workshops in July and August to share ideas on how to reimagine the Palmerston North Massey campus, with over 1000 pieces of feedback gathered.

There were 70 suggestions for free parking, 70 suggestions for more art, 50 suggestions for more music, and more than 300 requests for more events, according to the Reimagining Our Spaces reports.

Requests for a swimming pool popped up, with other top options being a student bar, more activities, and games.

Allanah Ryan, associate director sustainability said the idea of a pool was quite common, however, she commented that this would be expensive.

She felt the idea of free parking wasn’t environmentally sustainable.

“It encourages students and staff to use cars, use more fossil fuel. It would be more beneficial to use electric scooters, bikes, or the free buses or walking to lessen that footprint.”

Want to help improve student life and address student needs at Massey? Join Te Tira Ahu Pae’s Student Rep team for 2025! Nominations are open until September 18th. Scan the QR code to learn more!

The university was thinking about plans to become more climate resilient through the ‘sponge campus’ idea, which would use less drainage and more grass to avoid flooding and clogging drains.

The workshop also brought forward requests for more Māori, Pasifika and other cultural representatives around campus.

Sal Lampkin, senior sustainability advisor said the campus revitalisation work is also being done with the Wellington and Albany campuses.

“Specific events are being run on each campus by myself and three colleagues as a first step in an extensive university-wide programme of work.”

The Wellington event will take place on September 25th from 9am-30pm in Block 5 Level H 11/12.

The Albany event will be held on October 2nd from 9am-3pm in at Atrium Round Room.

WHICH DRUGS MAKE YOUR MASSEY

Vodka Red Bull & Adderall

Nursing students are bred to be night shift warriors, with a blend of efficiency, responsibility, just like their signature Vodka Red Bull with an entrée of Adderall.

Chugging back an unhealthy amount of Vodka Red Bulls keeps them awake, slightly buzzed, and ready to work the morning shift after a party. For an extra boost, they’ll pop back some Adderall.

Like their poisonous combo, they’re a mix energised yet calm, buzzed yet focused always prepared to keep the party going into the early hours before sneaking off to start their shift.

Jacob’s Creek Sav & Cocaine

Do you hear that? The sound of Taylor Swift songs, political debates, and the latest trending TikTok sound? It’s the music of Jacob’s Creek Sav mixed with a dash of cocaine — also known as the Communication’s Buzz Collective.

Just like a Jacob’s Creek Sav, these students bring sparkle to any conversation. And just like the mix of sav and cocaine — Communication students are addicting. Before you know it, you’ll be subscribing to their up-and-coming podcast or Instagram writing blog.

AND DRINKS MASSEY DEGREE

Speights Beer AVIATION

A cold bottle of Speights best describes the cockpit commanders navigating their Aviation degree. The future pilots who are living their Top Gun dreams (if Top Gun was set in Palmerston North) are traditional, conservative, and predictable — just like a Speights beer.

After spending a day crashing planes on a flight simulation and swiping through Tinder, you’ll find them at the pub with a Speights in hand.

Don’t expect them to go too wild, because like their trusty bevvy, they’re more about consistency than surprise.

HEALTH SCIENCE

Weed & Kombucha

Health Science students (also known as Massey’s Wellness Warriors) are the unique combo of kombucha and weed: Health conscious with a side of rebellion. Balance is everything, especially when it comes to gut health.

At parties, these Wellness Warriors are found in a haze of smoke. Their mix of responsibility and relaxation keeps things light. They are very zen and relaxed... until they start advocating for the medicinal benefits of weed. They will stand on business.

one trippy moment at a time.

Whiskey & Ecstasy MUSIC

Massey’s Commercial Music Maestros are bold, intense, and rhythm driven just like a blend of whiskey and ecstasy.

Like whiskey, they infuse the party with a warm, strong, and pungent presence. Add a dash of ecstasy when the bass drops just right, and they become the life of the party. Every beat is inspiration, every high a new muse.

They might disappear without notice to draft a new track to upload on SoundCloud. But it won’t matter because like their drink-drug combo, the Music Maestros are smooth, delusional, and unfortunately addictive.

Massey’s Horticulture students (aka the Green Team) are the embodiment of all things natural… just like the homebrewed beer they make under their beds. Alongside their edibles made with homegrown cannabis, Horticulture’s high is as eco-friendly as it gets.

They’re just as carefully cultivated and crafted as the plants they grow and the beer they brew. At any party, they’re the ones bringing the earthy, laid-back energy, spreading the green gospel with every sip and bite.

Tequila & Ketamine (obviously) VETERINARY

Old Fashioned BUSINESS/ FINANCE

The unexpectedly wild Vet students aren’t just good at helping cows give birth, they’re fantastic at mixing tequila with ketamine.

The Ketamindful Vet students are the wildest and the most thoughtful in the room, balancing between their two drink and drug extremes.

Like tequila, they bring in the heat and kick any party off with a bang. But add in some

Just like an old fashioned, Business and Finance students have a sharp and calculated edge. With its blend of bourbon, bitters, and a hint of orange zest, they’re the combination of sophistication and a touch of risk.

They approach every social gathering like they’re crafting the perfect cocktail strategic, precise, and always looking for a better offer. They treat relationships as investments and won’t hesitate to shift focus if a better opportunity comes along.

Their goal is to ensure their life is as smooth and refined as their favourite drink.

I am really bad at rolling joints.

Many people have tried to teach me, but I usually end up accidentally swallowing a lot of weed in the process.

But as I approach the last of my golden uni days, it is time for me to perfect the roll.

I am not going to waste any good stuff on improving my skills because

1. It's expensive

2. Finding a good dealer is hard and I don't want to download discord again.

3. My Dad told me not to do too much stupid shit for student media.

So, I’m rolling up my favourite rollable foods.

I take a stroll to scout for papers. I review the papers for length, durability, and taste. My pondering catches the attention of the cashier who asks what kind of paper I was looking for. “Something to put sushi in,” I say.

Cheese roll w/ Elements Green Connoisseur K/s

Southland cheese rolls are quite possibly my favorite culinary delight. There's something about piping hot cheese married with Maggi onion soup mix slathered into white golden bread.

But today I had pre-grated cheese, the Co-Lab microwave and a dream.

The key to a good cheese roll J is cheese to bread ratio. You need to flatten the bread, with a rolling pin (or in my case a cucumber) and a good heap of cheese. I use two papers to wrap my creation, which I recommend as the weight of the bread needs to be supported.

Cheese rolls are best with some sort of dip, so I make a glaze with T-sauce and mustard. This was a successful roll and perfect for Southlanders wanting a taste of home.

Sausage roll w/ Raw Organic Hemp Rolls

Do you remember Eminem and Snoop Dogg smoking a massive doobie at the 2022 VMAs? That is my vision.

After two attempts, I grow frustrated.

My dream sausage was not coming into fruition as the weight of the microwaved meat was not staying erect within the 6-inch paper.

Upon reflection, a skinnier wiener and more durable protection would make for a satisfying J.

Strawberry Jam Swiss Roll w/ Juicy Jay's Strawberry Papers

I channel my inner Strawberry Shortcake for this berry delight. I flatten the bread and put a generous blob of jam in the yummiest paper you can buy.

The paper tastes like a strawberry Smiggle gel pen in the best way.

The paper cuddles the sticky white bread, the artificial strawberry sings with tartness, and the jam oozes out in the best way possible.

Perfect for a sweet treat over morning tea with Nan.

Sushi w/ Cyclone Hemp Cones 2fer Red Alert

The sushi bogie is perfect for my foodies that are seeking a bit more culture in their sesh.

The sticky rice and thinly sliced cucumbers and thick hemp requires the skills of a professional.

Operating in total zen, I sprinkles the rice from muscle memory and lay the vegetables on the thick paper.

Without breaking a sweat, I roll my visually strongest doobies and sushi that looks almost edible.

I leave the studio with jam up my arms, rice in my hair and a microwaved sausage smell that I cannot shake. Being a joint rolling master and chef, de cuisine is not easy but a feat I feel I've accomplished.

So why not make a Vietnamese spring roll with Juicy Jay’s birthday cake flavoured papers or a fruit filled roll up with grape flavoured papers.

The world is your ganga.

taking revenge on the aesthetic Clean Girl '

CONTENT WARNING: MENTIONS OF SUBSTANCE ABUSE, DISORDERED EATING, ADDICTION, MENTAL ILLNESS

Everybody’s met her at least once, and many have been her at some point. She’s the girl who walks into a trash-ridden flat two hours after the party has started and immediately becomes the beating heart of the rave. She’s utterly captivating, a manic pixie dream girl made up of cigarettes, cocaine, and cunt. She’s every straight man’s fantasy, until he really gets to know her. Girls can’t decide if they want to

She’s also, more often than not, falling apart at the seams.

The ‘party girl’ aesthetic is a trend we’ve seen come in and out of social circulation for decades. Back in the late 2000s/early 2010s, you’d find Ke$ha pulling the finger at paparazzi, the Olsen Twins with side bangs and ciggies, Lindsay Lohan shoplifting, Effy Stonem from Skins snorting a line, and Sky Ferreira caught carrying ecstasy.

The current resurgence of the indie sleaze party girl comes fresh off the release of Charli XCX’s new club-pop album Brat we’ve got Julia Fox, Gabbriette, and Ke$ha will just always be that girl.

But the vengeance of the party girl also comes at the tail end of the ‘clean girl’ aesthetic, which resulted in young

Most trends to take the internet by storm have come with their own sets of issues and problematic habits to follow. But whenever you throw drugs and alcohol into the core characteristics of the current niche trend, you're bound to come across dangerous behaviours. And in a country that already struggles with younger generations getting into excessive drug use and binge drinking, heavily glamorising such a lifestyle can quickly shift into something sinister.

The mess that depression leaves behind can sometimes be too much for a would-be clean girl to consider tackling. As a result, many younger people find comfort in embracing the mess of the sleaze, allowing themselves slump days and slip-ups. From that point, the doorway that peaks into the party girl's flashing lights and drug and alcohol abuse becomes easier to open.

Self-soothing through the usage of drugs and alcohol is nothing new, especially with substances such as marijuana having dominated the self-medication scene for the longest time. Researchers at the University Otago have proven ketamine works as a short-term medicine to treat depression. And just a few months ago, the Otago researchers started recruiting willing patients for a trial regarding the usage of ketamine against therapy-resistant depression.

The indie sleaze party girls love a bit of ketamine, and if this research has made me realise anything, it's that this aesthetic is actually just depression in a different form.

Attempting to receive proper therapy often results in months-long waiting lists and advice that doesn’t always stick. The path to prescription medication can be equally draining, often leading to a revolving door of Prozac, Zoloft, Loxamine, Celexa, Ritalin, and many others.

In comparison to the regimented strictness of cleanliness or the hoops you have to jump through for therapy, recreational drugs are almost always easier to access and are effective immediately.

But the more I look into this idolised clean girl, the more I find that she is just as mentally ill as the party girl.

The clean girl drinks a green smoothie every morning and has no space for messy clothes in her beige, minimalist bedroom. She didn’t need drugs because she so clearly already had her life together, and anybody who hadn’t caught up to her was falling behind.

Where the party girl becomes too wild, the clean girl becomes too controlling of herself. She hyper fixates on perfection. She judges herself too hard on how many bumps her ponytail has, the pimple on her chin, and most dangerously... what she eats.

The world has put both the clean girl and party girl on a pedestal. But really these aesthetics glamorise

the highs and lows of smoking weed too young

I was 13 when I first smoked weed.

remember very clearly three friends and I decided to smoke on the playground of my primary school. I remember the black jewellery bag my friend stored the weed in. The Arizona iced tea bong. I remember getting too stoned to jump the school fence, so my friend had to chuck me over.

I had always worn starting at a young age like a badge of honour, especially when people around me said they were much older when they first smoked.

But last year, I looked into these early days of smoking through my art. I looked at who and where I was in my life, how my environment came into play, and how doing it further impacted my life.

After the first time, smoking weed became one of the biggest things in my life and one of the main activities

I did with my friends. I specifically remember how we would tell our parents we were going to Friday Teen Night at our hometown pools every week. But really, we’d use our entry money to buy a tinnie (weed wrapped in tinfoil) and fish and chips and loiter around town.

The more I self-reflected, I became more aware of how my growing was stunted.

I couldn't say for sure, but I think without smoking I would have likely exceeded and graduated high school instead of losing interest and dropping out. Maybe I never would have gotten addicted to amphetamines.

In my artwork, Do Not Smoke Weed, I depict a homemade bong complete with the classic hosing and socket set up. I used a very representational oil still life method both to give a whole and clear view of the depicted item but also to create juxtaposition between the cheap homemade bong and the often finely crafted items depicted in still life painting.

Not only is this bong nearly an exact recreation of the first one I ever smoked from, but I feel also would be very similar to most kiwis first bong experience. Alongside this, I crossed out the painting with fluro pink spray paint. This was to bring an element of disapproval my parent's opinion on me weed smoking.

For my piece, Neverending Bong Hit, I spoke to a certain onlineness, exploring online weed culture in the mid 2010s. I employed a softxsharp airbrush painting method to create a hazy memory-like representation, as well as using familiar aesthetic methods in representing an older era smartphone, YouTube web layout and era/vibe specific video thumbnails.

I had good moments to look back on, like religiously watching Customgrow420 with my best friend. So, my main focus for this piece was on Customgrow420's video, Neverending Bong Hit !!!!, that I spent a lot of time watching and idolising during those years. It's a somewhat niche character but one that people who recognise would trip over seeing again.

I’ve come to terms with the reality of smoking weed at a young age, it was fun while it lasted. But I guess my parents were right now I live with the consequences.

I still have a complicated relationship with substances though I've learnt a lot, and I try my best to be responsible and safe when I partake.

Despite my choices landing me in some bad place, from which I escaped, I’d still smoke that first cone on the playground of my primary school through that Arizona bong.

GOT A CONFESSION, A TAKE,NAUGHTY OR A SEXY STORY?

Let me set the scene: New Year’s festival, a group of seven of us are going together. Me and one of my friends were sharing a tent and we had an agreement that we each had one night where we could bring someone back to the tent and the other person had to find somewhere else to sleep.

So, on the second night my friend brought back three others to the tent and they had a foursome. Which is all fine and well BUT the next day I found a used condom in my sleeping bag, in my shoe, and some of my stuff was stolen.

Anyways, on the third night I met the most beautiful man ever and we go back to my tent and I text my friend and say, ‘TENT OCCUPIED DO NOT COME IN PLEASE!’

We were right in the middle of getting down to business, he’s on top, when my friend comes barging into the tent, FLASHLIGHT ON, trying to bring one of the guys from last night's foursome back to the tent. They got a lovely fully lit view of both of us naked. My friend proceeds to scream, (I should’ve been the one screaming tbh) and ran to the tent next door where my other friend was having sex with her boyfriend.

Mood = killed.

Safe to say, the eight-hour car ride home was awkward, I never got my stolen stuff back and we are no longer friends.

MASSIVE X RADIO CONTROL

RADIO CONTROL 99.4FM IS A STUDENT RADIO NETWORK STATION BASED ON THE MASSEY UNIVERSITY MANAWATŪ CAMPUS.

EP Nextraterrestrial by Frau Knotz: Seven songs that feel like a video game

WORDS BY CE GOACHER A SHE/THEY A RADIO CONTROL PROGRAMME DIRECTOR

Frau Knotz is the moniker of Taranaki based singer/producer Lauren Nottingham. Her bold, debut EP, Nextraterrestrial, really does take you into another world via cinematic synth pop, and glimpses of the slowed and washy moments that are so precious during a rave.

Previously finding joy in the electro pop world, this is truly a step out of that ship into zero gravity, with plenty of moments that let you drift free of any constraints that might be tying you down. Drum machines tip toe through trip hop, techno, and even moments of R&B,

accompanied by Lauren’s beautiful vocals. Even her voice goes off on side quests, sometimes sitting fairly natural other than being drenched in warm reverb. Then by the next passage it has morphed into an auto-tuned cyber queen.

Lauren summons forth both mysterious terror, and gentle joys. In the gaps between beats and lyrics, exploratory arpeggios of thoughtfully synthesised keys lead you to the next adventure. Across its seven tracks, it really does have a video game vibe. I’m perhaps influenced to think this by her music video for Odyssey I, which reminds me of the Kingdom Hearts opening sequence, complete with a Frau Knotz x Final Fantasy avatar.

It all comes to an epic finale on the closing track Skimpy Jumperville, which goes full euphoric acid mode, and wouldn’t be out of place on a Nintendo platformer.

The release is best experienced via the Nextraterrestrial Continual Audio Experience, which comes as its own track at the end of the EP. Clocking in at just under 20 minutes, this is perfect to put on for that next walk to the bus stop. Then get on board and close your eyes.

Pining Radiata – These words, these things

Khaki Department – Harmonicus

SGP – Sour (live)

Caru, Dera Meelan – See No Evil (feat. Church and deadforest)

Carb on Carb - Motuihe

showponi – SILLY GAMES (THE BUMBLEBEE 2)

Persimmon – Anglesea

Frau Knotz –The Heart of Spring

Night Lunch – Yeah Good, Yourself?

Death And The Maiden – The Only One

Q. HEY FERGIE BABY, BIG FAN HERE <3 I FEAR MY BUSH IS GETTING OUT OF CONTROL!! WHEN IS IT TIME TO DEAL WITH HER?? WILL IT EVER STOP GROWING??

Hey baby, I love meeting fans.

I have a PSA to make in regard to this question...

FERGUS

THE RAM

IS PRO BUSH

From my very deep experience with puss, I’ve seen hairless, spikey, and my favourite... bushy.

A bush can never get ‘out of control’ or ‘too long’.

The longer the better, actually. A bushy vag is like an exciting maze you have to try and figure out, and an orgasm is waiting for you at the end.

Now, I have to acknowledge that many others are anti-bush (which is politically incorrect).

I’ve heard this stems from a history of suppression and sexism. But I disagree with history. I think this bush discrimination is actually because some are

so directionally challenged that they can’t get through the bush maze. They need a bush GPS system.

Pubes are like a metaphor for life, really: You never stop growing.

The longer your pubes get, the more creative you can become. I once meet this sheep whose bush was so long, she had it French braided. We fucked a year later, and she had kept growing it out. It was so long that she could use it as a whip on me. It was hot.

So, to those who are anti-bush, it's unfortunate that Massey University doesn’t have a software engineering degree. I’d love to commission the computer nerds to create a bush GPS so those with direction issues can find their way through the bush maze, and come out on the other side feeling orgasmic.

FERGUS THE RAM IS MASSEY UNIVERSITY'S LONG-TIME MASCOT. HE IS ALSO A SEX GOD, ALPHA RAM AND HORNED UP FUCKBOY.

GOT A QUESTION FOR FERGUS? GO TO MASSIVEMAGAZINE.ORG.NZ

ARIES TAURUS GEMINI

You have a secret talent you’ve been holding back on. Let that passion of yours shine through instead of ignoring it, for once. You can’t keep hiding forever.

You’ve been way too isolated from your friends. Stop shutting yourself in your room and actually socialise. It will help distract you from that overwhelming thought you’ve been having recently.

This week, you’re going to run into a terrifying problem. It will be something you want to run from, but keep your head high and stay calm, and you’ll get through it with ease.

You’re not impressing anyone with your claims of ‘living life to the fullest’. Doing whatever you want is only so good until it turns into self-sabotage.

You’re a smart cookie, and you’ve been picking up on people’s feelings towards you before they get a chance to say it. This week, zip it Gemini and let people say how they feel instead of saying it for them.

What’s one word I would use to describe your life recently? Disastrous. Sorry Sag, but you need to get it together. Put your head down and focus over the next few days, so you can return to normality.

CANCER VIRGO

You’ve felt out of control It might be fun taking risks sometimes Leo, but this week is not one of those times. Stay cautious, stick to what you know, and this week should be smooth sailing.

time to try and remember what you did wrong. They won’t wait for you forever.

You’ve been having relationship problems recently, but don’t let anyone manipulate you. This time, it wasn’t your fault. Stand your ground and don’t let

You’re in that Hot Girl Summer mindset… but it’s the end of Winter. Gotta switch that mindset or you’ll use up all your energy before Summer even comes around. As an air sign, Sensitive

You are very adaptable Pisces... too adaptable. Don’t tailor yourself to other people’s needs or expectations this week. Tailor your week according to yourself.

DITCH IT!

DOWN ACROSS

4. Synonym for drunk (11)

6. Martini is a type of _____ (8)

7. 1925 novel by F. Scott Fitzgerald (3,5,6)

9. Another word for ‘weed’ (8)

11. Party film starring Selena Gomez (6,8)

15. What is ‘pub’ short for? (6,5)

18. LSD (8,4,12)

22. What is Fogell’s name on his fake ID in Superbad? (7)

1. Symptoms that occur the day after excessive alcohol use (8)

2. Aotearoa's legal and publicly-funded drug checking programme (4,4,5)

3. A piña colada consists of rum, cream of coconut, and ______ (9,5)

5. What drug is called ‘bikkies’? (7)

8. 1994 film about two Los Angeles mobsters (4,7)

10. What alcohol goes in a margarita? (7)

12. Drinking age in Japan (6)

13. Slang for the affect of ketamine (5)

14. Beer brand (8)

16. If something is ‘served on the rocks’ it means it is served with _____ (3)

17. Film about best friends and detectives in the narcotics department (3,4)

19. Spanish word to make a toast or say ‘cheers’ (5)

20. What colour is associated with a mojito? (5)

21. An alcoholic drink consisting of spirits mixed with other ingredients, such as fruit juice or cream (8)

YOU ARRIVE AT 10PM, AND THE PARTY IS DEAD. WHAT DO YOU DO?

A) Drink more until it's fun

B) Ask the nearest person what their star sign is and figure out their big three

C) Leave

D) Find an object to keep you entertained a Rubik’s Cube, a digi cam, a dress up box...

SOMEONE STARTS TO CHAT YOU UP. BUT THEY’VE GOT NO GAME. WHAT DO YOU DO?

A) Ignore them completely and walk away

B) Gently let them down (so gently they think you like them)

C) Tell them you’re still in love with your ex

D) You flirt back, game doesn’t matter

THE MUSIC IS BLASTING IN THE BEST WAY, BUT THE PLAYLIST SUCKS. WHAT’S YOUR NEXT MOVE?

A) Move past it. Just sit down, chat and drink

B) Pity dance to keep the host happy

C) No music is bad when you can relate any lyrics to your specific situation

D) Dance anyway! You are open to other people’s taste THE PARTY IS STARTING TO GET WILD, AND NOISE CONTROL SHOWS UP. WHAT DO YOU DO?

A) Get louder in spite

B) Manifest that they go away

C) Call someone you shouldn’t to pick you up

D) Smooth talk noise control until they leave happy

MOSTLY A’S: BOGAN

Beer, flannel shirts, and gumboots is what you’ll be pulling up in at your next party. You do what you want in life and live in the moment. You don’t think about things too deeply. Sometimes this is a good thing, and other times it leaves someone butthurt. So, let out your bogan aura at your next party, and make up with that special someone through your own language.

MOSTLY B’S: ASTROLOGY

You’ll be dressing up as your own star sign (extra points if you go as your big three) next time you host. You are a whimsical person, who worries about other people’s feelings and energy. You want everyone to have fun, even if it means you don’t. An astrology party will be a perfect way for you to learn everyone’s star sign so you can accommodate your actions for them.

YOU ARE LOOKING FOR A SPOT TO HIDE YOUR DRINKS/DRUGS. WHERE DO YOU PUT THEM?

A) In the backyard, behind a plant

B) In the shower

C) Under a bed

D) In the fridge (you’ll take the risk of being robbed for a cold drink)

MOSTLY C’S: DRESS LIKE YOUR EX

You love an opportunity to roast your ex, and you’ll get one with this party theme. You hold grudges for longer than people deserve, and struggle to let the small things in life go. But a dress like your ex themed party will help get out that angst and vengeful energy you’ve built up inside.

MOSTLY B’S: GRAFFITI

At your next party, you’ll be pulling out that old white T-shirt, cheap paint, and paintbrushes. You love to let loose and have fun. You don’t worry too much about how others perceive you, and just go with the flow. You’ll appreciate a party where you can let your creativity out with people you love.