Massive: Issue 16 'Sex' by Massive Magazine

BEGGING FOR ANDREW SCOTT & JIZZING FOR JESSE WILLIAMS KINK MASQUERADE WELLINGTON'S KINK COMMUNITY

EDITORIAL

FREE THE VIBRATOR

Last month, NZHerald reported a mother mortified to find vibrators on sale at Sylvia Park’s Chemist Warehouse while shopping with her 16year-old daughter. It seems like this lady has a stick up her ass (she should have something else up it).

When the mother was asked what she found so upsetting she said, “I feel like doing something like that is normalising young girls to think it’s absolutely fine to be using this equipment.” For the record, it is more than fine.

This issue reminded me of a segment on Seven Sharp from 2022, about the NZ sex toy company normalising women’s pleasure, Girls Get Off. In the segment, the word ‘sandwich’ was used to replace the word ‘vibrator’.

At the time, I thought this was a clever and funny loophole. The reporter in the segment says, “Here at Seven Sharp we like to pride ourselves on being a family programme. So today, the product that these ladies make isn’t gonna be called what it is, instead we’re gonna call it sandwiches.” The vibrators are hidden in a piece of bread, like a sandwich.

Looking back now, it feels counterintuitive to talk about normalising something while censoring it. At the end of the segment the women were told to say the real word once. They hold up the real thing and say in unison, “normalising vibrators”.

Jo Cummins, co-founder of Girls Get Off is grateful for the story, however, doesn’t appreciate ‘vibrator’ needing to be censored for TV. She tells me, “So many other topics are traumatising on so many levels.” She makes a good point, as the news will often show gory realities like death and war. Cummins says, “I just simply don’t understand how being exposed to these things is more inappropriate than something that can help promote healthy conversations around sex, pleasure and consent.”

So, I call up the Broadcasting Standards Authority and the legal manager hears me out. They say no words are outright banned from TV and it's all about context. “One word could go over kids’ heads and in the right context might be fine. But a graphic depiction of a sex scene could be a little bit trickier.” I can understand this, however, nothing like a sex scene or someone actually using a vibrator was included in Girls Get Off’s segment.

The legal manager says, “The authority's always recognised that news is not for children and that parents have an obligation to be monitoring their kids.” If so, then perhaps news platforms should be more open minded to talking about sex, and let parents decide if they wanna press the off button.

The Broadcasting Standards Authority sends me their research titled, Language that may offend in broadcasting Overall, it says you can use a word when the context surrounding it isn’t offensive. In the context of a women-run empowering sex toy company, I don’t see how the word ‘vibrator’ is offensive.

NZHerald received over 4,500 comments on Facebook in response to the prude mother. Good points were made about hiding sex toys. Many said vibrators on show is a chance for parents to educate their kids. One commenter says, “My kid learned about sex toys in Year 9 health. Younger children won’t know what they are, and if they ask you just say ‘No those are for adults’. It's not that hard.” Another commentor says, “Why should sexual health be any different to physical and mental health.”

It makes me think about all the other stories we are exposed to freely on news platforms car crashes, stealing, messy politics, mental health crisis’... war, even. If the context isn’t explicit, I don’t see why sex toys can’t be talked about freely in media. I guess didn’t realise something vibrating on my clit was more inappropriate than war.

Love, Sammy.

DISCLAIMER: This issue contains both positive and negative discussions around sex.

SEXUAL HEALTH AND WELLBEING RESOURCES:

Safe to talk (sexual harm helpline) safetotalk.nz 0800 044 334

Sexual Wellbeing Aotearoa sexualwellbeing.org.nz

5TH AUGUST 2024

ISSUE SIXTEEN

MASSIVE MAGAZINE

STUDENT TICKETED AFTER SURPRISING CHANGE TO WELLY PARKING

WORDS BY SAMMY CARTER A SHE/HER

Astudent who paid for parking was frustrated to later find a $66 dollar ticket on her car for not having a Massey Dash Pass, despite not knowing they needed one.

Third-year Communications student, Camryn Noble said she’s spent easily over $1000 dollars on parking at Massey Wellington over her degree.

Noble would prefer free parking for students, like it is on the Massey Auckland campus.

"We already spend thousands of dollars to study here and then we have to pay just to be here, it's unfair."

Noble felt students need to be made more aware of their options.

She wasn’t aware that a student parking permit can be purchased for $120 per semester. Palmerston North students pay $340.60 per year for a general car park.

A note was left on Noble’s car along with the ticket which read, “From July 1st, 2024, all Massey Staff and Students will need to display a Valid Massey Dash Pash as well as paying for parking.”

“If a vehicle does not have a dash pass clearly displayed, Care Park will issue a Payment Notice even if you have paid for parking.”

While many students have had issues with Care Park in the past, Noble hoped to contest the ticket.

Despite the change starting July 1st, a Massey University spokesperson said students weren't notified until 10 days later via a weekly newsletter.

The spokesperson said the point of the dash pass is to identify non-staff and non-students who park on campus, as spaces need to be kept available for staff and students.

“Our parking contractor also left notes on cars parked in the impacted spaces for a number of weeks before the system began.”

They said the Wellington Estates Service Desk has been waiving tickets issued to all legitimate parkers. They advised students with a ticket to visit or email the Wellington Estates Service Desk at EstatesServiceDesk-Wellington@massey.ac.nz.

‘DUNGEON’-LIKE AUCKLAND RAINBOW ROOM MAY CHANGE

WORDS BY YESENIA PINEDA A SHE/THEY

The Albany rainbow room sits in the Atrium building basement, a room people find so dark and sad not even rainbow flags can save it.

Kate Duin, Ōteha rainbow rep said, “The feedback we often hear is that it's a 'basement/dungeon' and lacks natural light due to having no windows”.

However, a plan to change from the Atrium basement to the old unimart and pharmacy space has started.

Duin felt due to the financial state of the university and ongoing changes, “rainbow issues can sometimes be lower on the priority list”.

She said it is mostly rainbow students, rainbow staff and the student association who are prioritising rainbow spaces, rather than the university.

Duin wanted to see a space that was more visible and accessible for queer students.

“We don't want students to feel like they have to hide who they are and would prefer a rainbow room that's easy to find and access.”

The proposed space has natural light, easy access to outdoor areas, and a second entrance with frosted windows for students who prefer some privacy. Duin hoped they could move into the new space before the end of the year.

In 2022, the basement was being used by the Massey Muslim Student Association who complained to Massive at the time that the room was often occupied by others.

A Massey spokesperson said they’d received the proposal from Te Tira Ahu Pae, however,

the relocation wasn’t finalised and couldn’t confirm details. They said students will be informed when it is confirmed.

Regarding the Muslim students' past issues with the room, the spokesperson said, “Different groups are likely to have different needs (capacity and access, for example) when it comes to spaces and the university endeavours to work with groups to find appropriate spaces to meet their needs.”

They said the development of the room was made with the aim of providing students with opportunities to create tangible change. “This process allows us to test ideas and spaces, and for these spaces to evolve with feedback”.

Albany UniQ president Devon Painton said a central room would be nicer, “At the moment it’s down in the basement and there are no windows and devoid of any natural light which is sad”.

Despite posters about the room's location around campus, rainbow counselor Maria Millar said there are rainbow students who don't know the room exists.

NEW CATS SPOTTED ON THE WELLINGTON CAMPUS

WORDS BY SAMMY CARTER A

Students have been mistaking a new wee black cat, Yuki, for Pocket as four unfamiliar cats greet everyone.

Owner Kelly Bargh said Yuki is just seven months old, and petite tabby Meringue is two-years-old.

Both hang out at the Marae, and while they don’t like to be picked up, they love a good pat.

Two other cats, Benzi a ginger cattin and Lilith a big fluffy grey girl, have been spotted on campus. Their owners live close by on Tasman Street.

Pocket, the black cat that lives on the Co-Lab floor, has been around for many years. While she loves students, she hasn’t always been fond of new pets around campus. Let's hope these guys can win her over.

Kelly Bargh lives next to the Wellington campus with her partner Paul. Kelly said Yuki likes to jump and they both love to climb trees, “Both are very affectionate and love to play. Balls, string, cabbage tree leaves.”

Kelly said both cats are very friendly, “but Yuki is a little cautious still. If people want to pat them I suggest make eye contact duck down and call their names.” Kelly requested that people don't feed the cats as both are on special diets.

THIS ART COMPETITION IS FOR THE ‘ART’ ISSUE OF MASSIVE. 4 PIECES OF STUDENT ART WILL BE CHOSEN TO BE DISPLAYED IN THE PRINT MAGAZINE, AND IN AN EXHIBTION AT MEANWHILE ART GALLERY.

Kink MASQUERADE

Wellington’s kink community began through the app, FetLife, which connects kinky people locally and globally. The community is more social than sexual, organizing events like social drinks, educational workshops... and even a kink ball. So, let's unveil the masks of this kink masquerade.

Blood Play

Individuals interested in blood play are aroused by the sight, feel, release, and/or taste of blood.

Wellington nurse, Eden* has been part of the kink community for 12 years now after experimenting with her long-term boyfriend in med school. For her, blood play has allowed her to combine two things she loves: Her job and her sex life.

“Intimacy, it’s all about intimacy. You cannot get closer than shedding your life force on each other.”

Eden* explains blood play is like receiving a gift. It’s a gratifying and intimate experience because her partner is giving her a part of their life force, which for her, is the ultimate gift.

When I ask (what I thought was an obvious question) if she gets turned on at her job, Eden* chokes on her coffee, throws her head back and laughs hysterically.

“God you’re so vanilla baby. No, I don’t get turned on when I’m treating a patient if that’s what you’re asking.”

“It does help I know where and how I can cut someone. Honestly, more medical professionals than you might think have a blood kink. If you want to get into blood play, get into it with a medic.”

Sensory Deprivation

Depriving any senses sharpens the rest. So completely depriving yourself of your senses can make sexual pleasure feel even more intense. However, it also means having complete trust in another person as they tie you up, limit your control, take away your senses, and then fuck you senseless.

Yasmin* likes all senses, except smell taken away during sex. She uses earmuffs, restraints, mouth gags, and blindfolds.

She finds it to be a release. Oldest in her family and running a business with over 100 employees, she considers herself very serious and organised in her day-to-day. “I have to organise and control so many aspects of my life. My kink allows me to have a complete release of control as I give it over to my partner.”

Yasmin says her partner “can do whatever they want to me when my senses are taken away from me. As long as I have a sense of smell, I’m fine. Smell grounds me. Because, as much as I want to have my senses deprived, I still want to feel grounded in the pleasure that brings me”.

Pet Play

Pet play is when a person or people take roles of a pet or animal. This can involve wearing ears, paws, a snout, collar, and/or a leash.

Damien* met his pack over Discord as a teenager living in Melbourne. At the time, he was exploring his sexuality while living in a repressive household. Damien says his pack introduced him to his kink, and to what family is supposed to be.

Damien identifies as a pup in his day-to-day life, not just within his sex life. “I wear a collar most of the time, so I definitely get some weird looks in public by humans like yourself.”

His pack is made up of himself (the pup) an alpha, beta, and handler, and they all live together in their handler’s home in Kelburn. As the most submissive in their pack, Damien says he listens to all orders his pack gives him based upon pre-agreed rules. The pack enforces consent in all activities they do, especially in bed.

“In bed, I’ll wear my collar and leash. But never my pup suit, because those are expensive and don’t react well to cum, discharge, or any other fluid.”

Damien acknowledges most people think the kink is odd, but he believes vanilla sex is even odder. “It’s all a state of mind.”

activities, while the sub partner enjoys being dominated.

Cora* identifies as a submissive enjoying taking instructions, following rules, being cared for, and being at her partner’s mercy.

“Submission is always given, never taken. That's why a lot of people would argue submissives actually hold all power. At any stage they can revoke their consent or submission, and everything stops.”

Roles Cora identifies with while being submissive are:

• Good Girl: Taking instructions and playing by rules.

• Princess: Being cared for, complimented, and spoilt.

• Brat: Being mischievous, defying instructions, and pushing boundaries. This often leads to pre-agreed punishments.

• Bondage Bottom: Being restrained/tied up to be totally in her partner’s control.

Outside of the bedroom, she is confident, manages a team, deals with senior leadership at work, and is highly organised. On entering the bedroom, she relinquishes control to her dominant, relaxing into her submission.

Knife Play

Knife play is consensual BDSM edgeplay involving any kind of blade for sexual arousal and stimulation.

Theo* considers himself a master knife player/swordsmith. After getting into fantasy books such as Game of Thrones, Theo began learning the art of swordplay and knife work.

“You don’t need to cut someone for it to be considered knife play. You can run your blade across someone, cut their clothes off with it, grazing it along the skin, or just hold it in vulnerable places without breaking the skin.”

Theo has been in a serious relationship with his girlfriend of three years who partakes in his kink. He says that they often bring fantasy roleplay into the bedroom too, which I’m told involves a lot of leather.

“What’s sexier than putting your life in someone else’s hands?” Theo asks me.

Theo advises me never to go into knife play with someone I don’t know well or don’t trust because “it can go wrong very easily”.

Electrostimulation

Electrostimulation involves using electricity for kinky, sexy fun. There are a range of toys made for this kink, with the violet wand being most popular. I’m advised only people in good health can engage in this activity.

Tara*, a commerce student in the streets but a dominatrix in the sheets, met me alongside her violet wand she has named Poppy. “It literally makes my nipples pop out,” she tells me casually.

A violet wand may look like a dildo, but I was told many times not to use it like one. Tara uses the wand on my arm (for journalistic purposes only). I tell Tara confidently, “Turn it up to the highest setting!”

Tara replies, “Okay baby doll,” before I feel millions of needles stabbing my arm. I should have started on the lowest setting.

Oviposition/ Egg Laying Kink

Oviposition, or egg laying, involves sexual arousal derived from laying eggs. The person imagines themselves as an egg-laying creature or uses devices that simulate egg-laying sensations.

Ellie* is a member of the oviposition kink community. For them, the idea of aliens laying eggs inside them turns them on. “I literally convulse with pleasure at the thought of aliens laying eggs in me.”

There are many sex toys online specifically made for people with this kink. For Ellie, they purchased an Alien Ovipositor from Etsy. It’s a dildo with an opening at the tip, allowing eggs to travel through it once it’s inserted into the vagina or anus. The Etsy description says as the eggs move through the dildo, you’ll feel each and every pulse until you’re left satisfied and full.

Ellie says hers is a solo-kink and would only ever do it with a partner who wasn’t creeped out. “When I mate with a guy or gal, I bet they are going to be the hottest, sexiest, alien I have ever laid eyes upon. Until then, I have my egg laying dildo named Glorges” (Glorges translates to gorgeous in Alien).

Kinks aren’t just about dungeons, whips, and chains — though I’m told those are fun too. The community fosters fulfilling connections, consent, and a better understanding of their own sexual needs, with many people finding fulfilling romantic relationships. Well, except for our favourite egg-enthusiast — but I’m sure their mate is somewhere in our atmosphere. *Names have been changed

THREE DEMIROMANTICS WALK INTO A BAR

THE CONFUSION OF SEXUAL AND ROMANTIC ATTRACTION

Two friends and I sit cross legged in a circle on the floor of my flat. Andrew* is eating dinner, Tobey* is shuffling a deck of jumbo cards, and I’m sipping on a cup of tea. I ask what the term ‘demiromantic’ means to them.

A demiromantic person is someone who can only develop romantic feelings for another when they have a strong emotional connection to them. But the term means something different depending on the person.

Tobey attempts to build a house of cards while he explains, “I think it’s probably the closest thing to what I’m experiencing at the moment. I like having some sort of label … so I’m not consumed by confusion.”

Andrew is quick to agree, “Because I don’t know, and the whole thing is about the not-knowing.”

When I ask about their experience with crushes, Andrew laughs and jokingly asks what a crush even is, and Tobey gives an equally non-committal answer. I bring up the topic of high school and the dreaded question of “Who do you like?” Tobey admits they’d just choose the “least objectionable” and move on.

Andrew says, “It’s only recently I’ve thought I’ve had a crush, and I’m not even 100% sure.” He finds it hard to explain, “It’s like, you could be an option, so I’m gonna explore the potential feelings, maybe?”

I offer, “Would you say it’s more of a stepby-step instead of falling for someone?”

Andrew takes a moment to consider this, “Yeah. That does make a lot of sense when you phrase it like that.”

Tobey’s deft hands continue making a house of cards. I take a moment to reheat my tea I was so wrapped up in our discussion I forgot about it. The topic of romantic and sexual attraction surfaces.

“I think the two can only be separate for me, right now,” Andrew says. “I don’t think I’ve ever experienced romantic attraction … the very visceral, emotional yearning. But I’ve enjoyed being with a guy physically.”

We pause when Tobey’s house of cards crumbles, but they gesture for us to keep talking as they rebuild. Andrew stresses the importance of communication, and both parties needing to be open and honest about their expectations.

Tobey chimes in about the idea that being sexual with someone you don’t know ‘turns you into a slut’. They say it's as if “you haven’t formed this incredibly intense romantic bond, then you can’t do these things with someone without it being seen as bad”.

Andrew brings up something I’ve never quite understood, “There’s a saying about love, that when you find the right person, you’ll know.”

I joke that nobody thought to inform my brain I’m supposed to ‘know’ and it turns out, none of us have ever felt it. People expect you to fall in love, but instead you’re taking small steps. But I don’t want to fall down the stairs of love, thank you.

Tobey admits something, “I don’t know what it would be like to fall. What if I jump and there’s no point, and I just end up at the top of another cliff? What if there’s nothing but another cliff, with nothing good at the bottom, and I’ve just broken all my limbs.”

Andrew tries to be positive, “But then there’s the chance you fall and find something wonderful. In theory, that’s something I want to do, but I don’t know if I physically can.”

The house of cards collapses again — the jumbo cards don’t make it easy. This time, Tobey doesn’t try to rebuild it. Instead, they look up at us. “I’m worried I’ll leap, and I’ll fall, and I’ll feel nothing. Will I ever feel anything like that at all? I’m so worried I just can’t when I want a romantic relationship so bad.”

Because that’s the thing. We’re trying to build a house of cards, and it should be easy. But we’ve been given strange cards to use, and it's so much more complicated than people tell us it should be. Maybe one day we’ll do it, but for now?

My tea is cold again, my heart is warm, and we finally start a round of cards.

*Names have been changed

CAUGHT BETWEEN THE LORD & THE RANGATIRA

Though her foot still hurt from the last kick, Māhina raised it against the man standing before her. Lord Kyrus had been attempting to seduce her for almost three hours, and she was done with his poetics.

First, he tried to embrace her under the guise of ‘sweeping her off her feet’. When that earned him the first kick to the groin, he was admittedly quick to apologise profusely. Māhina would’ve forgiven him if that had been the end of it, she might’ve even ravished him herself if he’d been normal about it. After all, Kyrus was exceedingly handsome, incredibly wealthy, and for some reason part dragon (but only in the way that meant he was possessive with wings and had a huge dick).

But now she’d been trapped in a boring, onesided conversation for three hours, and she was sick of him. Especially with how halfway through his monologue he switched his topic from Māhina’s “seductive hips” to her iwi’s rangatira, Rāwiri.

Rāwiri hadn’t heard the man yet. He was too busy flexing his pecs and surveying the sea that he could control with his godlike powers to notice them. This was probably for the best, as Kyrus' initial talking point was Rāwiri’s “savage” nature. That word had earned him another kick from Māhina, but even after a brief lesson on racial fetishisation and another surprisingly sincere apology from the dragonlord, he continued to ramble about Rāwiri.

“I know that he is of high rank to your people, and a strong warrior too,” Kyrus looked off to where Rāwiri was standing, his hair tangling in the breeze, “You can see the strength of his rippling muscles underneath his tan skin, yet he still looks as though he’d stroke your flushed skin all night long.”

Māhina raised an eyebrow at this description. She cleared her throat to interrupt the dragonlord waxing on.

“Lord Kyrus, you do know—”

“That Rāwiri is a highly respected rangatira to you? Yes, dear, I am well aware of his reputation for both his powers and his passions in making love,” he said with a tone of despair, “But you mustn't go to him! You must resist the honey of his gaze, the hypnotising lilt of his cadence. You must resist, for I am a dragonlord and he—”

“Is my cousin,” Māhina deadpanned.

Kyrus froze, caught on her words as his own failed him, mouth agape like a fish.

Māhina reiterated, “Cousin. He is my cousin. Not just from the same iwi, but the same hapū too. So, me fucking him is absolutely not happening.”

The dragonlord blinked as his gaze turned away from Māhina once again and he stared blankly at Rāwiri posing in the distance. Still stunned, all he could manage to mumble was, “Oh.”

“Not to mention that he’s takatāpui and only interested in men.”

Kyrus' stare became hungrier, “Oh.”

Māhina watched from the corner of her eye as a tent formed in Kyrus’ leather pants while he stared at Rāwiri’s shirtless form, and let out an exasperated sigh. “You know, he usually goes off to… spar around this time of the day, and he’d probably appreciate a new partner,” she drawled.

“Really?! You really think he would?!” Kyrus whipped his head to Māhina, before remembering himself, “Because I should like to spar with him, and prove myself the stronger adversary. For you, of course.”

He may as well have been speaking to the kunekune grazing nearby, for by the time he finished he had already swaggered away from Māhina to where Rāwiri stood. She watched as her cousin studied the rambling stranger before him, taking in his roguish features and the draconic wings jutting from his back sculpted with glistening muscles.

Rāwiri licked his lips as they spread into a wicked smile. He leaned in close and pressed their naked chests together while his hand grazed the dragonlord’s bulge, then pulled away and took the hand of the now disheveled lord. They headed in a direction that she knew did not lead to the sparring area, but instead was where Rāwiri’s personal wharepuni stood.

Māhina shook her head and looked away as Kyrus reached past the strands of Rāwiri’s waist garment with a blissful shiver, before they disappeared into the treeline. She turned to leave, not wanting to stay and hear the loud moans and slapping sounds she knew would soon fill the air.

TRANSLATIONS:

RANGATIRA: A MĀORI CHIEF, OR HIGH-RANKING NOBLE. IWI: AN EXTENDED KINSHIP GROUP MADE UP OF MULTIPLE SMALLER UNITS KNOWN AS ‘HAPŪ’.

HAPŪ: A SMALLER KINSHIP UNIT WITHIN THE MUCH LARGER IWI TAKATĀPUI: USED IN MODERN TIMES TO IDENTIFY A MĀORI INDIVIDUAL WHO IS LGBTQ+

KUNEKUNE: A SMALL, DOMESTIC BREED OF PIG

WHAREPUNI: A SLEEPING HOUSE

PUTTING FRUIT & PUSS CAUSE DILATORS

Thinking about the rural farm girlies of Palmerston North, I took a chance on nature, on a mission to find a

Me, like many other women, have this thing called vaginismus. It’s an involuntary tensing of the vagina, particularly at the entrance. It can make having sex hurt (sad face react). Vaginal dilators can help stretch the skin and relax the muscles. Unfortunately, a set of these cost around $100 bucks.

My first challenge is facing the supermarket. I’m in the clear until I get to the self-checkout and forget what a yam is. The checkout man, a boy around my age, comes over and types it in for me. He makes a curious face, “Can I ask why you’re buying one yam?” I absolutely don’t want to answer, so I say, “You don’t wanna know.” Understandably horrified, he retreats.

But the interest of the woman next to me has piqued, “You’ve got an interesting array of items there.” I avoid eye contact. She won’t let it go, “They all look oddly phallic.”

I have been clocked so hard. I need an excuse, “It's for a challenge.” Worst thing I could say.

When I get home, I need to clean the fruit and veges but am not gonna risk repeating the supermarket situation with my flatmates. Instead, I washed them in the laundry sink which, in hindsight, might be more suspicious than just washing veggies in the kitchen. But I am ready.

Clean veggies? In a bowl on the bed. Old container for used veggies? On the floor. Toilet paper for wiping up lube? On hand. Fringe? Clipped back. I. Am. Ready.

(MING IT UP THERE)

I’m worried the bumps will be uncomfortable, but with a condom it's fine. A friend, who I was trying to call earlier to gossip about the supermarket interaction, calls me. I say, “You’ve called me back at the worst possible time, I have a yam inside me right now.” I laugh so much the yam tries to escape and I hold it in. The call ends pretty quickly.

After five minutes, the bumps start to feel unpleasant, so I use the loose end of the condom and pull it out.

VEGES UP MY DILATORS ARE EXPENSIVE

(BABY) CAR ROOT ME

This is better than the yam the baby carrot just slips right in there and I can’t feel any bumps.

I lay down with my knees up and my laptop resting on my thighs and just let it sit there, doing its thing, stretching my entrance for ten minutes while I watch Love Island. The condom is longer than the carrot, so I am safe and protected from anything yucky.

ON PAR(SNIP)

This is where I start to get nervous. The parsnip is skinny at the end and gets fat fast, I struggle to get the condom over the whole thing. I’m so nervous I spill lube all over my PJs trying to get it on the parsnip.

However, I’m surprised and impressed with how far I get it up. The first centimeter is hard because the parsnip has a blunt end (circumcised, if you will). But once I get past that, I manage to take just over half the parsnip. It doesn’t feel rough, but also doesn’t feel as smooth as the baby carrot.

After ten minutes I’ve become so relaxed that I get a fright from seeing the parsnip sticking outta my puss.

BANANA SPLIT MY PUSS

My boyfriend calls me as I’m putting the condom on the banana. I tell him, “This is not a good time, I’m putting vegetables up me, remember?” He doesn’t believe me, and I’m forced to send him a photo as proof (probably the most unsexy nude ever).

I bought a medium sized banana with just the right amount of curve. Upon closer inspection, the blunt and rough end makes me nervous, as well as the ridges. I worry this might be my first fail.

But once again my vagina’s abilities surprise me. I use the stem of the banana to push it up and it goes in with no fuss. It also surprisingly stays all the way in its own, unlike the parsnip.

I don’t notice how big it is until I pull it out and release a long “ohhh”. The familiar feeling of vaginismus is starting to catch on to what I’m tryna do and my vagina is stinging.

a penis, is quite thick. The end that’s entering me is also bigger than the other side.

Like the banana, I use the stem as leverage. I close my legs and put my knees up to provide the most comfort. This position is consistently the best for my vaginismus.

The first five centimeters are tight, but then it glides on in and even (very briefly) feels nice. I get almost the whole thing in. I keep my legs closed and knees together as it wants to pop out, but I let it sit there for five minutes.

ROOT ME (BIGGER THIS TIME)

I’m an hour in and I don’t know if I need to pee, or my body is just telling me to cut it out. The condom is only just big enough to cover the whole carrot, and the bright colour is daunting.

You’ll be proud to know I get just over half the carrot in. I use a similar technique to the corquette to make this happen, including closing my legs tight and taking a deep breath. I even let out a moan to help it feel sexy (it didn’t, it made things worse).

The urge to pee is strong, but I dilate for three minutes. I pull it out and rush to the bathroom, to which only a small amount of pee comes out. Either my body just needed an excuse to stop, or I’m already getting a UTI.

I’m left with a bit of stinging, lube covered PJs, a finished toilet paper roll, a container on the floor filled with condom covered fruit and vegetables, condom wrappers, and lots of tissues. It's hard work fighting vaginismus on a budget. Luckily, I have a bag full of baby carrots (minus one) to regain my strength.

Survive A WAY TO A MASSEY FINE ARTS STUDENT’S JOURNEY THROUGH SEX WORK

Turning 18 is a milestone for many people. A fleeting feeling of freedom, liberty, and some much-needed time away from your parents. But for some, when you turn 18, you’re out of options. That feeling of freedom is absent instead replaced with economic entrapment.

At a small cafe, Massey University Fine Arts student Anna* meets me with a wide smile. As we start to speak, my fingers dance on the top of my coffee cup while hers fidget. Over the lively brunchrush chatter, Anna’s hands tighten as her smiling demeanour turns stern, and tells me how it all began.

While many sex workers do enjoy their job, seeing it as a choice, Anna’s experience in full service was different. It begins in her hometown, Hamilton. At age 18, her homelife was becoming increasingly strained as her parents began threatening to kick her out of home because of her gender identity. “That happens a lot, especially for queer people, they end up getting kicked out of the house,” Anna explains, “And my parents threatened it so often”. Around this time, she entered into sex work to save up the funds and escape this environment.

Before meeting Anna, I wondered how I would approach such a deeply personal topic, and the questions I needed to ask. I expected Anna to be nervous, with eyes darting around the room to escape.

To my surprise and awe, Anna holds my gaze without fear. She describes her journey with a harsh rawness, her back straight, and shoulders held back with confidence.

For around seven months during 2021, Anna worked consistently as a sex worker while living in Hamilton. However, she quickly learnt that while many of the other workers in the industry like the job, she did not.

"I know that there is a market out there for people that do enjoy this kind of stuff. But from my experience, this tends to be people who have the choice, instead of someone who is struggling.”

Despite her growing unease and dislike of the job, Anna had nowhere else to go and very little choice. But Wellington had more money to offer. She explains to me that Wellington clientele pay better than those in Hamilton.

“You can make a lot more money here than you can make in other places. But you also need more money to survive, more money to live”.

Despite the higher income in Wellington, the lack of security and safety she felt didn’t make the pay worth it. It was a rude awakening for Anna, as Wellington forced her to meet the harsh and risqué implications of full-time sex work.

“THERE'S THIS VERY SPECIFIC BOX THAT I AM PUT INTO, OR THERE'S A BOX THAT I DON'T FIT ... IT’S REALLY HARD TO GET OUT. ”

Hands tightened as she recounted this tumultuous time in her life, “I had a couple weeks in Wellington where I tried it as well, but I ended up getting drugged.”

Despite having access to agencies for sex workers, such as The New Zealand Sex Workers Collective, Anna refused to join any after hearing stories about “dodgy” contracts.

Anna began to increasingly feel a mental toll from sex work. She turned to unhealthy ways to endure the darker sides of sex work. With a hesitant confession, Anna tells me she was abusing alcohol throughout her career.

“I was getting drunk every night,” Anna admits, “Any time there was a client bothering me, I would get drunk.” She says this was because of how intense it was and just how little security it gave, “You had to take on a clientele that you didn't want.”

While many people believe it’s the stigma of the job that drives workers out of the industry, Anna disagrees that it’s the only reason. She found the hardest part was the feeling of being trapped in the job. “There's this very specific box that I am put into, or there's a box that I don't fit ... It’s really hard to get out,” she says bitterly.

Because of this, sex workers might struggle to ease into new careers, or even be seen as regular

people. Anna says this is all “a societal problem more than anything". But in 2022, Anna left the sex work industry after she was offered a job raising charity funds. While sex work provided her with the money she needed to escape her toxic home life, it came at a significant personal cost to Anna’s mental health.

Despite only working in the industry for a short period, Anna believes it will have long-lasting implications on her life. Already, she experiences a substantial lack of trust within her relationships. "When a system is not built for you, you tend to do things outside of said system," Anna says, her shoulders still holding an air of confidence and a humble grin coming back to life as we finish our conversation.

As I finish my coffee, Anna and I say goodbye to one another. I leave the cafe with a new perspective on the harsh realities that can push someone into sex work, as well as push someone out of it.

Anna has been out of the sex work industry for over two years. Now, she is a third-year Fine Arts student at Massey University, spending her time exploring and expressing her sexuality through her works of art.

*Name has been changed for anonymity

(NUDE) (NUDE)

FIRST TIME MODELLING

WORDS BY ARIE SMITH A HE/HIM

This year one of my main goals was to put myself out there and say "yes" to things I wouldn’t usually see myself doing nude modelling being one of those. I have never done any form of professional modelling before, so I think it’s funny that my first modelling experience was nude. Fully throwing myself from the frying pan into the fire with this one, but I couldn’t be any more happy or proud honestly.

Leading up to this experience I had a spectrum of different emotions. While I was excited, and feeling hyped to do this, I was also met with cold feet and feelings of angst. Thoughts like “What if my body doesn’t look good enough” or “What makes me the best person to do this?” went through my head.

However, at the end of the day, all limitations are self-imposed. I mean, I might not have a six pack of abs (yet), but do I care? Absolutely not. What’s stopping me from doing something like this? What’s stopping myself from showing off my body which I'm proud of?

Quite frankly I could have been my own greatest enemy, and selfsabotaged, but I chose to put myself out of my own comfort zone. There was no way to know how this gig would turn out if I didn’t do it. Often, we decline opportunities for various reasons. Sometimes it could be due to conflicting priorities or a lack of interest. On the other hand, it could be rooted in feelings of being overwhelmed or anxious, perhaps a fear of the unknown.

Nude modelling was an opportunity for me to be vulnerable with myself and to connect with my body and soul on a deeper level. This experience was incredibly empowering to me and made me feel like an absolute baddie after.

We should all be proud of our bodies, and if whoever is reading this ever gets the chance to nude model, absolutely take it.

SPECIAL THANK YOU TO BIZZARE BAZAAR FOR PROVIDING THE HARNESSES AND CHOKER FOR THIS SHOOT. IF YOU WANT TO FIND THESE PIECES, YOU CAN FIND THEM IN STORE, OR ONLINE. STORE: 100 TORY STREET, TE ARO, WELLINGTON. WEBSITE: BIZARREBAZAAR.STORE INSTAGRAM: _BIZARREBAZAAR

PHOTOGRAPHY: LUKA MARESCA LIGHTING ASSISTANT: KEELIN BELL

AndrewBeggingScott for

REVIEW BY xXHOT_PRIEST_LOVER69Xx A HE/HIM

The day audio erotica app Quinn posted it's first teaser for The Queen’s Guard, I did not think about anything else. They shared a photo of the back of a mystery man walking towards a throne, and I immediately knew who it was. I was ready to kneel for him.

Certified Hot Priest and sexy Irish man, Andrew Scott, takes the lead in this classic historical spicy enemies to lovers story. Quinn tags this story as M4F (male for female). But, I must confess... I am a trans-man. Will that stop me from letting Andrew Scott whisper and whimper into my ears? Absolutely not.

EPISODE ONE: THE REBEL

Meet Robb the Protector. Robb is the personal guard (and #1 groupie) for the cruel and neglectful Queen. You, the listener, are Mira, the leader of the growing Resistance, and Robb’s former lover.

The story begins in Robb’s chambers. He’s writing in his journal about the Resistance, but it’s not long before his mind wanders to Mira. It’s pretty clear that the dude is salty she left him behind. The Queen asks him to find Mira and bring her back to the court, to be punished for her mutiny. He admits to the Queen that before she left the palace, they were very close. But he reassures the Queen this will not stop him from finding her.

It doesn’t take Robb long to find Mira. He follows her back to her safe house and confronts her, asking her to come back to the palace. When she refuses, the only option is a sword fight. Robb taught Mira how to sword fight in the first place, and those training sessions for sure led to some steamy exchanges in the past. So, it’s not surprising that this fight leads to Robb pinning Mira against the wall. “Come on Mira, push back against me,” Mira pushes back and Robb whimpers, “not like that. I thought I taught you to fight fair. No, no, no, no, no, no, it’s not fair to bring your hips into mine like that.”

The next five minutes are filled with heavy breathing, moaning, whimpering, and kissing noises. The kissing noises took me out of the experience. All I could think about is how he recorded it. Is he kissing his hand? Is there another actor there just for kissing scenes? Quinn, name your price for the behind-the-scenes video please.

EPISODE TWO: THE RESISTANCE

Half this episode is just Robb trying to uncover what is going on with the Queen’s Guard. Honestly, it’s not that interesting, I’m here for the moaning not the plot.

The Queen tells Robb he has to kill Mira. Yikes. Later that night, Robb finds Mira in the throne room, and she’s come to ask for his forgiveness. He’s not making it easy for her, and it very quickly gets steamy. “Now you’re sorry? After all these years. Well now's your chance Mira. Prove it to me.” He pauses, and then with one word, absolutely destroys me.

“BEG.”

Not quite as good as the Hot Priest’s “Kneel”, but damn. After that, I have my vibrator in hand. I know what’s coming (spoilers, it was me).

Robb tells Mira to sit on the throne, “I need to see you open your legs, can you open your legs for me? Gorgeous. Gorgeous. I have to taste you, is that alright?”

The wet sounds of Robb eating Mira out are honestly pretty fucking hot. Better than the kissing sounds. The length of this scene is perfect. Robb says, “I can feel how close you are. Are you gonna give me what’s mine, Mira?” and in that exact moment, I’m done. Then the Queen’s Guard burst into the room and catch them going at it.

EPISODE THREE: THE REVOLUTION

Right as I get to the final episode, my free trial period runs out. I decide $7.99 is a small price to pay for an episode tagged with ‘Multiple Orgasms’.

Robb and Mira fight the Queen’s Guard together, then they flee to a safehouse. Robb has finally realised it’s time to take the side of the Resistance, and he supports Mira in overthrowing the Queen’s court.

Later, the Resistance wins and to celebrate, Mira and Robb finally get down and dirty. This whole scene is essentially guided masturbation with Robb telling you, “Don’t cum until I tell you to”.

This was fucking hot... but I felt like I was RACING to the finish line. I’ve never switched to the fastest setting on my vibrator so quickly. It had me feeling like I needed to fake an orgasm for Andrew Scott. Now I’m just disappointed and horny. I’d redownload Hinge if I wanted to feel like that again.

Oh well. I’ll be putting my $7.99 to good use and listening to Amplify, voiced by everyone’s favourite lesbian Kate Moennig. Can’t wait to live out my Shane from The L Word fantasy.

QUINN IS AN APP FOR AUDIO EROTICA WHERE YOU CAN LISTEN TO IMMERSIVE EROTIC STORIES FROM YOUR FAVOURITE VOICES.

Prove it to me.

BEG.

The Queen's Guard

I want you to cum.

Let me sink into you.

REVIEW

JJesse Williams Jizzing with

xXHORNY_4_FAIRYXx A SHE/HER

esse Williams, who I know as Dr. Jackson Avery on Grey's Anatomy, is not exactly my type. I can't handle a doctor's schedule, but a fairy with striking blue eyes and stubble... I'm instantly wet. Jesse's fairy smut erotic audio on Quinn is right up my alley.

EPISODE

ONE: THE CATERPILLAR

We are introduced to Solstice Starr, a changeling with hidden wings and magic. He owns a bookstore in which you, the listener, also known as Azra Cunningham, are a regular customer he takes a liking to. He asks Azra to meet him for coffee by writing on her receipt and leaving it in her bag of books.

After their first date at the coffee shop, the two start to date. The episode comes to a close with Solstice kissing Azra in her entranceway. It’s pretty hot. There is a lot of moaning from Jesse Williams. The yearning is crazy. You can almost hear how he would be touching you and what he’d be grabbing. He is a consent king but it's a little too much. He tells Azra what he’s going to touch before he does it, which in real life would be annoying, but it means as a listener you can pretend to feel it. It all feels more romantic than sexual. The episode lives up to its ‘Boyfriend Treatment’ tag.

EPISODE

TWO: THE CHRYSALIS

Solstice and Azra have been dating for three months. Azra is starting to open up about her eating disorder. I found this part of the character quite hard to project onto as I do not have an eating disorder. It also seemed like quite a heavy topic for an erotic story. I’m just tryna jizz out here bro. It went on to say that Azra was given an exception for Ramadan due to her eating disorder. As I am not Muslim, this again made it hard to see myself as Azra. I would have preferred a vaguer character with less plot.

Solstice admits that he is in love with Azra, but doesn’t mind that she doesn’t say it back. He has become obsessed, “I’d love to part your thighs and put my mouth there. I’d love to open those lips with my tongue and learn how to worship you there.”

They go back to his apartment and start to make out and touch each other. He gives a lot of reassurance as Azra is a virgin, “You are safe, I wanna be safe for you.”

As Azra starts to touch his dick, you can tell by his moans what she is doing. The word “cock” is used excessively, but I guess that is the sexiest word for a penis.

I have to stop my vibrator when Solstice becomes self-conscious while taking off his pants and starts badly beatboxing “duf duf duf duf”. The ‘Strip Show’ tag on this episode was not what I imagined. Solstice becomes so happy that his wings come out and Azra is shocked. So much so, she walks out on him.

EPISODE THREE: THE BUTTERFLY

I’m ready for cum city with this episode. The first two were fine but I’m ready for good oldfashioned sex. The ‘Penetration’ tag is enticing.

It's been three months since the two broke up, and it’s Solstice’s birthday. He spends the day miserable and heartbroken. Until he finds a note from Azra, saying she’ll be at his place at 6pm.

She comes in and they talk about the breakup, and him keeping his magic from her. He jokes about not telling her he is a changeling, “You got me, I was being a manic pixie dream boy, I was Edward Cullen just with fairy wings.” I am cringing. They start to cuddle by the fireplace before falling asleep. When they wake up, she says "I love you" back to him and they start to kiss.

He eats her out, rubs her clit, and then fingers her. This was all very nice and sexy, his moaning was exceptional. Until he said, “I want you to cum.” I wasn’t ready and finished a minute late.

They start to have sex, “Let me sink into you. Yes, or no?” he asks. The sex scene was oddly quiet, and I couldn’t hear much apart from birds chirping? He didn’t moan as much as he had previously, and I wanted to hear some bodies slapping together.

All of a sudden, he said, “Cum with me on three,” and counted down. I had to rewind it four times before I could actually cum at the right moment. As the sex scene ends, he says, “You alright? Legs a little wobbly?”

I am just fine Jesse Williams. I expected the sex scene to be the most intense, but it was a letdown.

I put on some porn afterwards so I can get the cum I deserve.

I'm rushing down to the Wellington Sexual Health Clinic on a freezing Winter day. My whole life feels weighed down, carrying the burden of the now intimately familiar feeling of sandpaper between my legs. After so long, I've forgotten what it's like to move freely.

This was the penultimate day of my 11-month long journey with mateīhi, also known as vaginal thrush. The day I went to my fifth doctor.

For the uninitiated (aka the absurdly lucky), He Puna Waiora Healthify NZ defines mateīhi as an overgrowth of a yeast known as candida albicans in the vagina. It's a fairly common problem, characterised by irritation, redness, itching, thick discharge, pain while peeing and during sex. It's usually easy to get rid of in a few days with anti-fungal medication.

Unless you're like me and have chronic vaginal dermatitis.

Julie Avery, director of Nursing at Sexual Wellbeing Aotearoa, tells me that most of the young people she sees with mateīhi don't know what they have, thinking it must be a sexually transmitted infection. "STIs are talked about but I think the more common things like thrush isn't talked about as part of education in schools. So often young people don’t know."

What brings it on can be really trivial. I fell victim to my bikini trimmer. A week later I could hardly walk. But Julie says they’re plenty of other ways I could have gotten it. "If you're wearing tight active-wear clothing and not allowing that area to breathe very well." She says another cause is when people over wash, “They get a little bit of discharge, or a little bit of an itch and they uses soaps more often and that can actually make things worse."

Eleven months and four doctors later, and I still struggled to walk for longer than ten minutes. Weight gain and stretch marks had tanked my self-esteem, sex was just off the table, and I was starting to give up hope of ever finding a solution. I was part of the 5 to 10% of AFAB people with what He Puna Waiora calls reoccurring thrush.

So, there I was, shivering outside the clinic, heart beating out of my chest, barely daring to hope. I consider that Winter day as the day I got my life back. Not ten minutes with doctor five and she figured out I had chronic vaginal dermatitis. Basically, my skin had been in a state of inflammation for so long, that had become its default.

My road to recovery has been one-stepforward-two-steps-back. A year later and I am still a patient there, having relapsed mateīhi twice and an antibiotic-resistant bacterial infection once. Each new infection comes with several weeks of that sandpaper feeling, long after the mateīhi has cleared.

I never really talked to anyone about how hard every day was. It just felt embarrassing and hard to explain. But Julie thinks that mateīhi needs to be talked about more when learning about sexual health. "You don't want to tell your friends that you've got a discharge and an itch and it's really uncomfortable. I think that should be thought about more often that it's okay, its normal, it happens.”

"Knowing about it then takes the fear out of it.”

I will never fully be free of my chronic dermatitis. I can still feel it in certain clothes, or after sitting for too long, or going to the gym. A little itch, sometimes a burn, or tenderness. But I will never take my health for granted ever again. Walking to campus, dancing with my friends, or just having sex free of discomfort these are all blessings.

TANGLED UP IN NO STRINGS ATTACHED

WORDS BY MAISIE ARNOLD-BARRON A SHE/HER

Massive’s Sexcapades column has been many students’ favourite since it began in 2021. Our favourite part of doing this column is getting sent in students’ stories and reading them aloud in the office. Jaws drop, giggles erupt, and eyes roll. So naturally, for the ‘Sex’ issue, the team ventured up to the archives to find the top three most saucy, scandalous, and shocking Sexcapades.

26TH OF SEPTEMBER 2022

My boyfriend of three years has always been a nerd. He grew up playing video games, watching anime and being engaged in that cartoon/gamer lifestyle. More recently, his obsession with collecting memorabilia from his favourite shows has gotten out of hand. Our entire room is riddled with comics, toys and posters that honestly are starting to give me the ick. But there was one moment that made me really toss up whether our relationship could move forward.

It was a Friday night and the latest Star Wars had come out about a week ago. Johnny had come back from the movie with a souvenir he picked up from EB Games. A bright green lightsaber, he said it was the one Yoda used or whatever. After 15 minutes of him showing me it made noises and did cool light patterns, we got ready to head to sleep.

I was quite horny that night and before he could doze off I scooted my ass on him. This is my go-to move to initiate sex. He took the hint, and we started going at it. Sex with my man is great. He knows how to hit all my spots and that helps me look past his childish hobbies. But what this man did next was unforgivable. We have a dildo that we like to mix into our sex, he asked if he could put “it” in my ass. I said yes…. Next thing you know a bright green light flashes across the room and a distinctive hum comes closer to my asshole. HE TRIED TO PUT HIS LIGHTSABER UP MY ASS. Immediately I grabbed the green dildo and snapped the handle off. He was absolutely pissed and gave me silent treatment for an entire week.

Don't date a manchild.

looking at his massive dick. I was so hard and didn’t care about anything, I just wanted him to break my fucking back. I grew some balls and grabbed his dick giving him a mean blowy while the girl sucked me off. We all did many things that night but rest assured, I found it very hard to walk the next morning.

I woke up extremely hungover and waddled downstairs. His mum had invited me to stay for breakfast. She was absolutely lovely and welcoming, which I thought was a little weird given that there were three of us who had all obviously fucked the night before. Maybe she was just used to her son and his girlfriend having regular threeways? Everything became clear after one snarky comment from the mum to the girl.

“Wow *****, you’re so much nicer to your brother when he has friends around.”

WTF! I was so shook and knew I had to get the fuck out. I was absolutely horrified and made some quick lame excuse about an overdue assignment to leave this incestuous fucking household.

I found out later from my cousin that they were actually step siblings, but didn’t dare mention the fact that we all fucked.

I’ve heard that Wellington is an accepting place, but I didn’t realise it was THAT accepting.

Menzies, Spaghetti Land: An instant Kiwi classic

WORDS BY CE GOACHER A SHE/THEY A RADIO CONTROL PROGRAMME DIRECTOR

I know a lot of people struggle with local music, getting the ick from hearing their own accent. I get it, you don’t hear it often in mainstream music, it can be jarring. Menzies, the Te Whanganuia-Tara group made me think about this. Fronted by Chris Brown (Friendlies), with Miles Sutton (Welcomer) rocking out, Doug Kelly’s (Girl Boss) funking bass, and Nikita Piper (Androgynous Lemon, and Massey Wellington grad) hitting pots and pans, they look like a typical indie outfit.

Until you are ripped open by a modular theremin, and lyrics about someone fucking your mum in the family home. Menzies bring together tropes of Aotearoa emo and indie rock, with a fresh presence that creates an arresting experience rather than background noise at a craft bar.

The privilege of catching them live took me on an emotional journey through childhood vulnerabilities, complete with birthday balloons the audience had to keep off the ground,

else the band threatened to stop. I laughed more than I ever have at a gig for the right reasons, a potent blend of silliness and earnest lyricism.

Their EP’s title track, Spaghetti Land, is the place to start, with an accessible riff to ease you into the tangy drawl, followed by the ballad, Hugh and Julia The lyrics “Sitting alone at Tasman St, Slippers on and still cold feet” with a “hot choccy”, takes you into the soul of a young Wellingtonian’s flat, soothes you with its beautiful chorus, and provides a relieving climax of guitars. You might crack up at the song K.I.S.S.I.N.G, ridiculously mashing punk with Adele’s Someone Like You, which got everyone singing, eyes full of tears for many reasons. There’s something for everyone here, you might just need to work through your resentment of our own accent. It’s worth it.

Keep an eye out on Radio Control’s YouTube for the Live Session video!

Polaroids of Polarbears

When you're falling Awahuri Road Part 2

Q. IS MY GIRLFRIEND JUST TRYING TO MAKE ME FEEL BETTER WHEN SHE SAYS THAT MY LITTLE COCK IS ‘PERFECT’?

I don’t have this problem, seeing as I have a huge cock. But I once learnt a valuable lesson about dick size from a hot MMILF (Mule Mother I'd Like to Fuck).

I had snuck into the hay shed, as it was bulking season and I hadn’t had enough carbs. I was munching away on some bales, when this MMILF burst into the shed to tell me off. She started to yell at me, but when I turned around, I immediately got a boner at the sight of her. I tried not to make it obvious, but she stopped in her tracks and looked me up and down. She walked to me slowly, catching her breath from all the yelling. I gave her an eyebrow raise and a nod before she grabbed my rock-hard cock. We rammed on the hay bale I had just started to eat.

Afterwards, she told me stories of her long dating history, “I’ve dated many, but never a ram”.

I asked if my cock was the biggest she’d ever seen. She went dark on me, with that same look she had when she’d caught me snacking on the hay, “Don’t you know size doesn’t matter, it's what you do with it that counts.”

I was taught a valuable lesson that day. It wasn’t just the lesson that MMILFs do the best simultaneous orgasms. Or just that MMILFs have breasts that you’d want to motorboat all day. It was the lesson that every cock is perfect just the way it is.

So, I don’t think you girlfriend is just tryna make you feel better when she calls your little cock ‘perfect’. After all, boyfriend dick is where it's at.

P.S. Happy Massive ‘Sex’ issue everyone! Screw Christmas and Halloween, this is my favourite holiday of the year.

FERGUS THE RAM IS MASSEY UNIVERSITY'S LONG-TIME MASCOT. HE IS ALSO A SEX GOD, ALPHA RAM AND HORNED UP FUCKBOY. GOT A QUESTION FOR FERGUS? GO TO MASSIVEMAGAZINE.ORG.NZ

ARIES TAURUS GEMINI

You’ve been a bit distant from your friends recently, Aries. Send them a long voice note with a life update, so they feel important in your world.

You’re going to run into so many problems this week, Taurus. But lucky for you, a bunch of them can be solved with energy drinks. Well, maybe not solved, but you can avoid them a little longer.

You’ve been way too selfabsorbed and snappy in the last week, so turn your focus outward. Try to be more self-aware and acknowledge when you’re being an ass.

You’re going to reach the end of your tether this week when someone you live with does that thing you hate. Take out your frustration on an inanimate object.

You really need to stop pushing with your passive-aggressive arguments. It’s getting more aggressive than passive, and it might just cost you a friend if you’re not careful.

You’re missing something in your life. That great sense of humour you have is being pushed down. Spend time with an old friend who will bring it out of you.

CANCER VIRGO

You’ve been having major It isn’t ghosting if someone's been harassing you for weeks and you need to get away from it. That’s just called common sense. Get out of that toxic situation Leo.

turn out much better for you.

You have firm opinions, which can be good, but not this week. Be okay with not saying everything that comes to mind.

Ruled by Mercury, it takes you a while to process communication. But you are taking a little too long this time and someone is worried they’ll never see you again. Decide what

You are ready to do something impulsive. Do it. For once in your life Pisces take a risk. This time, it will leave you feeling elated.

DITCH IT!

7. FF (3,7)

8. Mateīhi translates to what? (6)

12. American author who writes fantasy smut books (5,1,4)

16. 2019 French historical romantic drama film (8,2,1,4,2,4)

17. Online sex toy shop (9)

19. Audio erotica app (5)

21. Medical term for ass (7)

22. Substance which reduces friction by making surfaces slippery (4)

23. Condom brand (5)

1. Relating to or resembling a penis (7)

2. Erotic novel by E. L. James (5,6,2,4)

3. A person's surprising sexual preference (4)

4. Slang term for sex (6)

5. Tube-like devices made to stretch the vagina (8)

6. Someone who feels sexual attraction to others, but only romantic feelings with a deep connection (12)

9. The act of imitating a character or behaviour (4,4)

10. What TV show is Mr Big from? (3,3,3,4)

11. Movie, magazine, book, or website that features sexual situations (4)

13. Waxing of the front and bum (9)

14. 2010 Emma Stone Rom-Com (4,1)

15. A woman who physically or psychologically dominates her partner (10)

18. "Oh, Warner, do you remember when we spent those four amazing hours in the _____ after winter formal?" (3,3)

20. Media that turns you on (4)

FUCK UP THE FRIENDGROUP WITH FORTY FREAKY QUESTIONS

MOST LIKELY TO....

1. HAVE A CHOKING KINK?

2. USE A LIGHTSABER AS A DILDO?

3. ACCIDENTALLY JOIN A KINK CLUB?

4. JOIN A KINK CLUB ON PURPOSE?

5. FAKE AN ORGASM?

6. HOOK UP WITH SOMEONE AT A PARTY?

7. BUY A VIBRATOR ON ALIEXPRESS?

8. GET WALKED IN ON?

9. PROPOSE A THREESOME?

10. USE AN UNCONVENTIONAL GAG?

11. HOOK UP IN A CLUB BATHROOM?

12. NUDE MODEL?

13. SUGGEST ROLEPLAY IN THE BEDROOM?

14. GET HIT ON AT A BAR?

15. BE A SUB?

16. BE A DOM?

17. GET A GENITAL PIERCING?

18. HAVE A BONDAGE KINK?

19. PICK UP A THIRD AT THE BAR?

20. USE VEGETABLES AS DILATORS?

21. GET A YEAST INFECTION?

22. FUCK A FRIEND’S EX?

23. GET A TATTOO OF THEIR PARTNER’S NAME?

24. LISTEN TO AUDIO EROTICA?

25. VOICE ACT IN AUDIO EROTICA?

26. WRITE SAUCY FANFICTION?

27. GO DRY FOR A YEAR?

28. HOOK UP AT THE OLYMPIC VILLAGE?

29. FLIRT WITH THEIR BOSS?

30. FUCK THEIR COUSIN?

31. HAVE AN EGG-LAYING KINK?

32. FUCK IN SOMEONE ELSE’S BED?

33. ATTEND AN ORGY?

34. HAVE A CRUSH ON FERGUS THE RAM?

35. FLIRT THEIR WAY OUT OF A PARKING TICKET?

36. BE ‘STRAIGHT’ WITH A HOMOEROTIC FRIENDSHIP?

37. GET THE ICK FOR NO REASON?

38. DATE SOMEONE WITH HEAPS OF RED FLAGS?

39. LIE THEIR WAY OUT OF A DATE?

40. GASLIGHT THEIR FRIENDS?

WHICH A03 TAG ARE YOU? UNHINGED

FRIENDS TO LOVERS OR ENEMIES TO LOVERS?

FRIENDS

DO YOU WANT TO SETTLE DOWN ASAP? ARE YOU MORE OF A SUB OR DOM? SMASH OR PASS: THE HORSE FROM SPIRIT ARE YOU A PILLOW PRINCESS?

THIS TAG IS USED FOR SMUT WITH ALMOST NO STORY, WHICH IS RIGHT UP YOUR ALLEY. YOU’RE THE TYPE TO JUMP STRAIGHT INTO SEX, AND YOU’RE USUALLY PRETTY VERSATILE. YOU MIGHT NOT BE READY TO COMMIT, BUT YOU’RE DOWN TO TRY MOST THINGS AT LEAST ONCE.

YOU DON’T CARE ABOUT GENDER NORMS, AND WANT TO TAKE CARE OF YOUR PARTNER IN EVERY WAY. YOU’RE IN IT FOR THE LONG HAUL, DARE I SAY AT LEAST 18 YEARS.

YOU’RE AS CLOSE TO BEING A FURRY AS IS SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE, AND YOU’RE DEFINITELY TEAM JACOB. YOU MIGHT NOT BE INTO TOXIC ALPHA STUFF, BUT SOMETHING ABOUT POSSESSIVENESS JUST DOES IT FOR YOU.

YOU’VE HAD SOME FREAKY CHILDHOOD CRUSHES. YOU’RE A MONSTER FUCKER THROUGH AND THROUGH, AND YOUR FIRST WORDS AFTER A MOVIE ENDS ARE USUALLY “HEAR ME OUT” WHILE YOUR FRIENDS STARE IN HORROR.