Beestonian 49 by Lord Beestonia

B ig B

umpe 20 pa r g Issue e !

The

Beestonian Bumper Festive Issue!

Issue no.

es, somehow the year has hurtled us back into that time again where we think of the important things in life; namely high-end Mince pies and it being socially ok to be rancidly drunk in the afternoon. In Beeston, the first frosts have prettified the place, the pied wagtails are in full mischief and the lights are on. The Coca Cola truck might have jacknifed on Priory Island, but we’re feeling very festive here at the log-fire warmed Beestonian Towers.

with so much good stuff we needed a crowbar and a tub of swarfega to get it all in.

As it’s the time of year for giving, we’ve decided to be dead generous to you, handsome reader. Yes, you’re holding in your hands our LARGEST EDITION EVER, weighing in at a chunky 20 pages, each jam packed

All in all, it’s our biggest, best issue yet. And if you don’t like it – weirdo – then it now burns 20% longer. Keep cosy, Beestonians! LB

We have our usual award winning roster of writers giving you their hap’enth worth on issues, as well as a splendiferous quiz to ascertain exactly How Beeston You Really Are. We have tales of erstwhile zoos, Beeston illuminations, CAKE, hair-chopping, Oxjam (how ace was it?!), an investigation of the closure of Central College and even a cameo from a certain orange-faced, bizarre barneted megalomaniac eejit from across the pond (the USA, not Clifton).

Memories of

Beeston Zoo

egular readers to the Beestonian will remember that a few years ago we did a article on the Beeston Zoo which brought back a lot of memories for readers. Just to remind readers who missed the article, the zoo in question was located at the Victoria Hotel in Beeston. Built around 1839, named after Queen Victoria (1819- 1901) - a popular monarch who is often featured on pub signboards. The Victoria Hotel is situated next door to Beeston Train station and like so many Victorian establishments was built to serve the passengers who used the station.

In 1971 an eccentric landlord use to keep a small zoo at the rear end of the pub, as well as a python inside. The collection included a puma, a lion, a leopard and a baboon. A number of incidents occurred involving these animals- the puma bounded into the public bar and frightened regulars and the leopard bit the landlord. Often he would be seen around Beeston, taking the bear for a walk at the end of a rope. The ‘zoo’ was eventually closed when a terrified elderly couple complained to the police after the baboon escaped, shinned up a drainpipe and tried to break into their bedroom window.

and had quite a war in the South Pacific. Mum said that my Granddad was very business minded and used to charge for the workers to leave their bikes at the Vic. I forgot to ask where they worked but it was a regular thing and her and my Uncle used to collect the money from them. My Granddad was always fond of animals and always wanted to collect the more exotic type. At the Victoria Hotel he use to have Piranhas on the bar, which he kept for entertainment. He use to feed them mice, for the entertainment of the customers. He used to love sitting with the old guys and playing dominoes too.

He also had a cage full of Monkeys which all died in a fire. It was apparently an electrical fault but I have heard rumours over the years that it was arson but that is only hearsay and as it was many years ago, we will never know the truth of the matter. It is very, very sad, whatever the cause. Monkeys were my favourite, apart from Ben the Bear. He was the most adorable animal you could wish to meet. Can’t say the same for the Baboon. As a child, I recall hating him, as he was pretty aggressive. My Aunt recalls that Ben was eventually put into a cage as he became around 6ft in size, which is how I remember him. Also that the Baboon was kept indoors with them and slept

A while back we were contacted by the Landlord’s Granddaughter who shared a few family stories and photos with us relating to the zoo. Out of respect the Landlord’s Granddaughter and the family wish to remain anonymous so their names will not be used here. Rather than trying to rewrite the memories, we have put them into some sort of clear order below. “The previous Landlord of the pub, who kept a mini zoo in the back yard was my Granddad and I recall the zoo and all of the animals. I can recall some fond memories and some not so fond memories of the zoo. I fondly remember in particular the snake he kept and the famous Ben, the beautiful bear. My Granddad was in the Navy during the war

Last Orders, Ben the Bear finishes his pint on the bar at the Victoria Hotel, Beeston.

in her dolls cot in her room when he was a baby. I really wish there were pictures of that. Again he grew and was caged. He was apparently quite aggressive with most people, except my granddad’s wife, who he took a liking too. My Aunt also contracted TB back then and it was said that they thought it had been contracted from the baboon, she tells me. The story of the Baboon escaping and banging on a neighbours upstairs window is true I am afraid. The lady and her husband were said to be terrified, especially as the husband was ill. The story says that Kenneth Clarke MP, was trying to have the law changed in regard to keeping wild animals and that he took this matter to parliament. There is a story about this too, separate to the baboon story. It says that Beeston constituents were in fear of the animals and many had applied for gun licences. The article names the neighbour and speaks of her having lodgers who were also woken up by the baboon banging on the window. Also, that she called the police more than once. The other story I have heard tells of the Leopard, biting my Grandfather. The Leopard was male and was 18 months old and on my Grandfathers shoulder, when a train passed by and hooted. This scared the animal, which nipped him and caused him to need hospital treatment. My grandfather was quoted as saying that he planned to buy a female companion for the leopard. The leopard had come from a zoo, in the south of England. Apparently all of the animals were moved on to a ‘official zoo’ following a complaint by a lady, when the Baboon escaped. His name was Joey, if I recall correctly. I do know my Granddad was on ATV on more than one occasion, due to the antics. My Mum relayed to me that when he was asked what he had to say about the Baboon escaping and going into the neighbours bathroom. He replied in his usual flippant manner, that she was only bothered because the baboon wasn’t a male one. I don’t know how he got away with it sometimes, but he did”. JE

Central College

entral College might just live up to its name as it’s confirmed that it will be centralising services into the City Centre. Plans recently confirmed suggest that the college building on Beeston High Road will close to free up resources to create a “super college” in the city. The Beeston campus will be decommissioned and sold of by 2020.

The Beeston Campus also houses a commercial salon, containing 40 hair-dressing stations and 32 beauty treatment beds, as well as a construction centre. It also provides courses in IT, health and social care, business and science. It currently teaches around 500 students. Speaking on the plans, the Chief Executive detailed that some of the older buildings are being sold off to help fund the expansion, investment of a skill hub in the city centre. They believe this will allow them to offer the best vocational opportunities to students across the city and the surrounding area.

The current pressure is to switch to apprenticeships, which go down well with nostalgic voters, but the funding has been found by cutting vocational courses. Staff morale across the sector is very low and those I spoke to seemed anxious about what the closure might mean for redundancies. Although some seem more enthusiastic. Speaking to the Nottingham Post Shaf Hussain, a member of the international department, accepted that there might be some closures but in the long run these would be better for local education. Current students had a mixed reaction. Those I spoke to were largely unconcerned as most would have left by the time the changes occur. However, some expressed concerns about damage to the community around the college, feeling worried that a loss of local provision would hurt vocational courses in the long run. Others were sad to see the Beeston Campus go, saying they enjoyed studying close to home and might not have been able to afford the travel.

Hidden under the public statement there’s a lot of business language of fit for purpose, rationalisation and modernisation reflecting a decision more fit for a company that a school. Indeed the recently mooted merger included a lot of discussion of competition and efficiency. This, sadly, is endemic in further education, FE, currently. There’s been a large amount of financial pressure on FE colleges to reduce spending whilst increasing results. The college where your author previously worked has seen cuts of up to 20% of its budget and has taken to renting out sections of the building to other schools.

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Older students and local businesses seemed more anxious, they were worried about the long term implications for such a loss to the high road. With the delays in the town centre development they seemed worried that this was yet another loss of investment in Beeston. Local MP, Anna Soubry, was appalled by the closure and said she intends to fight to keep it open. She also raised concerns about poor planning, with the tram route having been selected to allow students to easily reach the college. This feeling seems universal across local politics with the Labour groups at both County and Borough level speaking to the University and College Union, UCU, about campaigning against the closure and what it represents for Beeston. Both Labour and the Union were dedicated to securing a future for staff, students and the local businesses. Councillor Greg Marshall warned that the writing has long been on the wall due to chronic underfunding reflecting a shortsighted approach to education. The 4million FE students have not been protected and Central College is just the latest casualty in the battle over education. With more real terms costs to come he thinks it’s important to fight for our children’s future. Greg is the Councillor for Beeston West which includes the school. Local figures seem keen to fight it and hopefully they’ll find a suitable use. There is current speculation that the universities might be interested and Nottingham Trent have hinted previously at expansion plans. Former Cllr Steve Barber points to the success of NTU which built out of buildings left behind by the University of Nottingham. Sadly this is all speculation. Regardless the closure of the Central College Campus is undoubtedly a loss for Beeston. The College has received good Ofsted ratings and has had a positive effect on the local economy. Like most schools it forms a sense of community and many will be sad to see it go. We can only hope, given the investment in the buildings, that it presents an opportunity for our wonderful town. TR

he rock band REM once sang a song that included the lyric “It’s me in the spotlight”, but now Beeston Parish Church is currently in several, and in different colours too, as a number of new lights have recently been installed, that bathe the Grade II listed building in a variety of shades during the hours of darkness. The move has been somewhat controversial amongst fellow Beestonians, with some loving it, and some hating it. There has been quite a debate in the Beeston Updated’s Facebook page, with subjects being discussed at length include the actual colours, the cost and whether the building needs lighting up at all.

Plans for the church lights were suggested during 2015, but came to nothing at the time, as Broxtowe Borough Council were concerned as to what damage the lights might do to the church, which opened in 1844, and so refused planning permission. Therefore the scheme was revised and resubmitted earlier this year, and was passed by the council, with work recently started to install them at a cost of £26,000, which has come from BBC coffers earmarked for improving the town, but apparently from last year’s budget, not 2016’s. Time will tell whether this new development in Beeston’s history is accepted, or will continue to attract controversy. CDF

Mr & Mrs Christmas - Scott Bennett pays tribute to his mum and dad who love Christmas

ell the festive season is almost upon us and it’s the same every year. You’re welded to the sofa, unable to move and you hurt after every meal. You cast a booze addled eye around the room and look at all your relatives and you think, “aww, look at them, sitting there, isn’t it wonderful, you know I reckon its time they all just cleared off. “One more game of charades Nanna, two words, sounds like “your taxi” times up old cock.” Christmas is a strange time to be a comedian. We are all now familiar with the phenomenon of “Black Friday” a tradition passed to us from our friends in the US, which sees retailers bombarding us relentlessly for a week with offers on the cheap tat that has been sat gathering dust in their warehouses for most of the year. For a comedian the term “Black Friday” is something very different. It refers to that Friday before Christmas where a comedy gig can quickly resemble a bad day in Beirut. People on a works Christmas night out, sat in wonky Christmas hats, drinking heavily just to blot out the resentment and anger they feel for their colleagues sat just across from them. Shows that start hours late because the venue has tried to serve two hundred people a three course Christmas dinner with only three members of staff and being heckled mercilessly by an accountant called Nigel who thinks he’s the office joker. I’ve had a few experiences with Christmas gigs over the years and they inspired me to re-write the classic Christmas hit Happy Christmas (war is over) by John and Oko. I see this as a fitting tribute to my fellow comedy warriors venturing out to entertain the British public this festive season: A comedy show at Christmas oh what have you done Another show ruined, no ones’ had fun Comedy at Christmas It’s not a bad idea But the bellends, the pissheads, they’re here every year A very Merry Christmas, let’s try again next year Please make it a good one and stay off the beer Comedians at Christmas (the shows not over) We try to stay strong (get off your phones) We’re here to entertain you (the shows not over) And It won’t last long (please stop talking) So Merry Merry Christmas (the shows not over) We stand in the lights (you’re the office prick)

Ignoring the heckles (the shows not over) And avoiding the fights (stop being a dick) A very Merry Christmas let’s try again next year Please make it a good one and stay off the beer Now I like Christmas, but some people just love Christmas, and I mean LOVE it, my parents for instance. Every year since I can remember they have had a party at their house for Christmas Eve. There are games, a lucky dip tub of presents, and food galore. Mum starts cooking early, normally midNovember, the party goes on late into the night and only comes to an end once dad is too drunk to make it up the stairs and mum gets out the Dyson for some festive hoovering. When I was much younger, my dad would even dress up as Santa Claus himself at the party, to give out presents to the other children. At the time I didn’t know this obviously, I assumed it was the man himself, particularly when I was very young. However I vividly remember the Christmas where I found out the truth. I was nine years old and, as had happened every year before, with the party in full swing and the guests settled, at about seven o’clock my mother would suddenly announce to my father, loud enough for everyone to hear: “Oh look Roy; we appear to have run out of beer!” My dad knew his line and played along with this ridiculous farce to the confusion of the assembled guests: “Oh no love, this is a disaster I will go to the shop.” I’ve often wondered for years whether my mother and fathers friends thought he was a raging alcoholic or just incompetent when it

came to judging drinks quantities for a social gathering, but no one ever said anything. Then came the moment, my mum, right on cue would switch on the outside light and we’d all have to look out of the window into the back garden. “Look everyone!” my mum exclaimed, “someone very special is here!” We’d all press our faces to the window and there sat on the garden bench, on the patio next to the water butt was Santa himself; it was a Christmas miracle. I remember one year when the snow started to fall, this was the mid-eighties before global warming, when seasons were still individually recognizable. With Santa Claus sat there it was like an image straight from a Christmas card. All the children would then take it in turns to go and visit him, telling him what they would like for Christmas. Most kids are quite gullible and most were none the wiser, “Santa comes to your garden Scott, how cool are you” “Yeah me and Santa are pretty close” I’d say, enjoying the adulation, “we go way back” I had quite good patter for a nine year old. Then came my turn. I walked down the path and approached Santa. “Hello boy, said a booming Yorkshire voice, have you been good this year?” “Yes I said.” “Well, Santa tells me you broke the window with your basketball, I heard that cost your dad eighty five bloody quid, anyway what you would like me to bring you for Christmas” I moved in towards him. I looked him up and down, the red hat, the white beard, the red suit and belt, and then I looked at his feet. It was at that point I knew. Santa Claus appeared to be wearing a pair of knackered old Reeboks. They were spattered with magnolia emulsion and were the same ones worn by my father when doing the decorating. My heart sank, the game was up. “I know it’s you dad” he looked at me and whispered, “I couldn’t find me wellies son, don’t ruin the magic” “Of course dad I said, I know Santa doesn’t come till I’m in bed anyway, I love you” I walked back up the garden back to the house smiling. We then all had to turn and wave goodbye to “Santa” and then went back to the party. At that point there was commotion at the front door as my dad blundered back in with six cans of lager, (he still got the quantity wrong) “What a nightmare, everywhere was shut, did I miss anything?” “Santa has been!” my mum shouted, “You missed him Roy! like YOU DO EVERY SINGLE YEAR!” Marvellous. Find The Scott Bennett Podcast on SoundCloud and iTunes SB

Bow

Selecta A

have been married for over three pparently this issue I ended up months. of The Beestonian abseiling down is a ‘festive bumper the side of the Back before I was a responsible special’ which makes it married man with a daughter I QMC... used to navigate the year not by sound rather splendidly days and weeks but by Robin Hood like the ‘Beano’ and ‘Dandy’ events and weirdly this time of year comic summer specials I used has always been the busiest… from 1991 to read (and re-read) as a child, now to a decade ago it was the Christmas season quite some time ago – so long in fact at The Sheriff’s Lodge medieval banqueting that the Dandy doesn’t even exist centre on Canal Street in Nottingham (now anymore. It turns out the older you get, sadly demolished). In its heyday I’d do a run of over thirty evening banquets (plus matinees), the more things change, sometimes starting in the middle of November. These for the better admittedly, sometimes days although the Lodge has gone Nottingham Castle still hosts the Robin Hood Pageant, not so much.

I was talking with some friends in The Crown the other day (other excellent Beeston pubs are available) about just that; how certain phrases that used to be commonplace are now archaic anachronisms (obviously we didn’t use that phrase in the pub; we’d had beer). Who remembers the term ‘Sunday drivers’? A phrase from a time where the roads weren’t as clogged on a Sunday as they are now a couple could jump into their Ford Zephyr and drive at a top speed of about 21mph along any A-road that took their fancy, possibly whilst eating a cheese and onion cob. Or ‘Half day closing’, which seems like an utterly prehistoric concept now in the face of 24 hour shopping (although as Tesco is now closing at midnight maybe they’re slowly bringing the concept back). But 2016 has certainly been a year for change. We’ve lost a huge number of massive cultural icons, our collective political sense (pretty much globally) and who now remembers ‘public toilets near the Square’ eh? Beeston changes. Beestonians change – our own former editor Matt and his lovely wife Ellie have just had a beautiful baby boy so huge congratulations to them, that certainly is a lifechanging experience. It’s genuinely surprising to me that no matter how many times people said to Sal and I “Cherish every moment, they grow up so fast” and we nodded and thought ‘Yea, right’ that come Boxing Day our wonderful Scarlett will be three years old. Three! And Sal will have been living with her cancer for over eighteen months and we’ll

the Robin Hood Beer Festival, the MySight Nottingham charity Firewalk (which I still take part in) and more – but with the redevelopment of the Castle and grounds now confirmed to start in early 2018 all of those will have to find a new home after next year too.

So this last week (as I write) being so busy was a bit poignant – I ended up abseiling down the side of the QMC with NUH’s Chief Exec to launch an appeal for the Children’s Hospital (that’ll teach me not to read emails properly and then just say ‘yes, happy to help’ on the phone before I actually knew what they wanted), I announced the £14m HLF funding success for the Castle to the national press, helped turn on the city’s Christmas lights and was (very movingly) serenaded by a fabulous group of WW2 veterans raucously singing the old Richard Greene ‘Robin Hood’ TV theme to me after I guided them on a tour. Seriously, having thirty Paras, Commandos, Army, Navy and RAF veterans doing that was quite amazing and a real honour – and I’m sure it’ll never happen again. I live a very strange life sometimes, but I’m very grateful to everyone in it. As with Beeston, there’s bits I miss, bits I’d change and bits I want to stay the same forever. But hey, “Chch-ch-changes” as David Bowie once sang. Remember him? Happy 2017, Beestonian readers. You rock. Tim Pollard Nottingham’s Official Robin Hood

2016

WISHING Y OU A VERY MER RY CHRIST MAS

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nyone with the slightest sweet tooth is bound to love cake. Cupcakes certainly have made their presence felt with the ongoing interest in all things vintage. Of course programmes like the Great British Bake Off have also helped to make cake more popular and yummier than ever. Brownies have naturally become favorites too and Beeston now has its very own brownie making enterprise; the Beeston Brownie Company, which is based in a private house, close to the railway station.

The Beestonian is...

The BBC is owned by Paula and Vic Roberts. Vic used to be a baker for Tesco’s. He first had the idea of taking up baking again back in February, when he mysteriously said to Paula; an administrator at the QMC, that he had ‘an exciting idea’, but didn’t tell her what it was. His first attempt wasn’t very successful, as he forgot to take his wallet, when he went shopping for the ingredients he required! But Vic persevered. Eventually they took the plunge and rented a stall at the Trinity Square market. That spurred them on to do a few farmers’ markets, including Beeston, the Park Estate, and West Bridgford. They’ve even been asked to appear at next year’s Nottingham Food and Drink Fair.

Lead Writer/Founder • Lord Beestonia Co-Founder/Resident Don • Prof J Editor • Christian Design • Dan Business Manager • Mel History Editor • Joe Earp

Vic bakes every day and orders are coming in thick and fast. The QMC Treatment Centre takes 100 brownies a week, and they’ve just started supplying games and comic shop Chimera. This will please Robin Hood Tim, as he’ll be able to munch on a Rocky Road whilst killing aliens! They have 18 varieties of brownie available, each made with free range eggs and 70% Belgian chocolate for that luxurious, melt in the mouth taste. Some varieties are gluten & dairy free. Rudyards Tea House is a good place to get these. Their most requested flavor? Salted caramel. As the festive season is here, I asked the couple if they were going to release a special flavour

Top-notch contributors this issue: Matt Turpin, Christian Fox, Jimmy Notts, Scott Bennett, Christopher Frost, Tim Pollard, Ric Salinger, Lulu Davenport, Colin Tucker, Joe Earp, John Cooper, Tom Roberts, Daisy Leverington and Deman Printed by Pixels & Graphics, Beeston

Christmas. They were working on a couple of ideas which will be available with all the others to order from their website and on the phone. As the business is now doing so well, the couple are looking at moving out of their tiny kitchen and into a proper working space, so that more cakes can be produced at a time. If you want to look at the flavours available and order some for presents. Much tastier than a pair of socks, then do have a look at their website: www. thebeestonbrowniecompany. co.uk make friends with them on Facebook, or just give them a call on 07914 965499. CDF

Stockists: Rye, The Hop Pole, The Crown, The White Lion, The Star, The Greyhound, Flying Goose, Mish Mash Gallery, The Malt Shovel, The Guitar Spot, Broadgate Laundrette, Bubba Tea, The Bean, Beeston Library, Cafe ROYA, Newsagent on Chilwell Road, Metro, Beeston Marina Bar and Cafe, Attenborough Nature Reserve, Pottle of Blues, Greenhood, Beeston Nursery, Oxfam Books, L’Oliva.

Beeston Musical theatre

got a text from my partner the night before. “Do you want to go and see The Wedding Singer tomorrow?” For a brief second I wondered was there some special showing of the film? Was it an anniversary edition, director’s cut? Then I remembered. No. It’s a musical version.

Forgive me people. I’m not usually so close-minded. It’s just musicals make me a bit, well, violent. Towards myself, not others, but violent none the less. Whether it’s Grease (which makes me want to hide), Mary Poppins (which makes me want to bash my brains in) or Mamma Mia (which makes me want to rip out my eyes and stuff them in any orifice capable of receiving sound) I just can’t get on with them. To this day the only musicals I’ve ever been able to

little trepidation. I had actually commissioned another writer to go the day before but he had at the last minute been unable to do so. Curse him, I thought, smiling widely at my girlfriend. Next issue I’ll make him write about public toilets. Then the curtains were drawn and it began. Right so I’ll forgo any suspense. It was brilliant. I mean properly brilliant. I laughed like a loon,

have been a terrible strain on the actors. First of all let’s talk about the actors. The musical was led by Chris Bryan as Robbie Hart (Adam Sandler in the film) and Claire Rybicki as Julia Sullivan (Drew Barrymore). They looked young. Early twenties I thought. But God damn could they sing! Not just sing. Sing and act and dance. Chris was a perfect Adam Sandler replacement, not copying Sandler’s performance exactly, but adapting it. And the same could be said for Claire. I found them both captivating. Furthermore the rest of the cast were equally talented. Zoe Brinklow, who played Julia’s best friend Holly, had an exceptional voice and David Hurt, who played Simply Wed keyboardist George, almost stole the show with his flamboyant performance. Finally, for those who remember the film, the various comic references to the 80’s in which the film is set were absolutely spot on. The hair, the clothes, the music, the set design, it was all superb.

My better half was excited. She had a friend in the production and so, being the dutiful boyfriend, I obviously agreed. Okay, I said with a slightly sinking heart. Let’s go.

stand have had Muppets in them. Sorry. Okay so with all that bearing in mind I sat down to The Beeston Musical Theatre production of The Wedding Singer with just a

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nodded along to the songs, my heart was warmed in the final act. This was a performance which, as soon as it ended, I would have happily stayed sat and waited for the curtains to come back up again. Though I think that would

I had an absolute blast and I can’t wait to see another of their shows in the New Year. Shows confirmed so far are All Shook Up (tickets are already available!) about a guitarplaying roustabout in the 1950s who turns a little American town all upside down, and Spamalot, the Monty Python classic. www.bmtg.org.uk CF

Here’s your chance to discover just how Beeston you REALLY are! This fair corner of NG9 is a proper mix of folk, who generally rub along together fairly well, regardless of their background. Some have lived here all their lives, and some are just passing through, but why not try this quick quiz to see exactly how Beeston you are?

Add up your answers and refer to the outrageously stereotypical conclusion at the end to see.

How BEESTON are YOU? 1

Where were you born?

a. Delivered swiftly in Broadgate Park whilst your mother was waiting for an ambulance. 9 months after being conceived in the snug at The Crown. b. QMC/City Hospital. c. A long way from Beeston. d. Not that far away from Beeston.

Do you know who Sid Standard was?

Where did you lose your virginity?

Round the back of The Shed after a Christmas disco. On an 18-30 holiday. Near the paddling pool during fresher’s week. In bed.

You bump into an old classmate from school – how do you react?

a. Give them friendly a nod and carry on strolling, you’ve seen them at least once or twice a week since you left school as they live a couple of streets away from you. b. Have a catch up and reminisce about where you grew up, and how it has changed. c. Squeal with delight and discover they live in the next block of halls to you. d. Feel a tinge of guilty pleasure on discovering that they look a lot older than their Facebook profile picture.

a. Well over 20, although a lot of them have gone now. b. About 10, if you include the one at the marina and the Nurseryman. c. 4 or 5. d. None yet, but I’ve heard there’s a lot of really good ones.

You fancy a meal out, where do you go?

a. Yes, I bought my first racer off him. b. Yes, heard about him doing good things for cycling in the area. c. No. d. No, but I know there’s a tram named after him.

a. b. c. d.

How many pubs/clubs in Beeston have you drunk in?

a. Depends what I fancy. Might go to the Cottage or Ghurka Express for a curry, Amores for Italian, Lucky’s for Chinese. Loads of choice for all sorts really. b. Frustrated Chef, Korea House, or somewhere in Nottingham. c. Subway usually. d. My local gastro-pub.

Still on the subject of food – you fancy treating yourself to a nice bit of steak, where do you get it from?

a. Meat 4U or Barnsdales, and you still miss the tenderised ones Hoggs used to do. b. As part of your Sainsburys online shop. c. Tesco. d. As part of your Ocado onlone shop.

Where did you go to school as a nipper?

a. b. c. d.

Roundhill/John Clifford/Trent Vale. Your local one. Harrow/one in the far east. Your local one.

What are your favourite free publications?

a. The Breeze and The Beestonian. b. The Beestonian, Nottingham Drinker and Left Lion. c. I don’t really get any. d. The Metro and discarded copies of any daily newspapers.

Where do you go when you want to see a bit of live music?

a. The Hop Pole/Greyhound/Malt Shovel/The Vic/ Chequers. b. Rock City. c. I just watch it on my tablet. d. The Arena.

Go on - have a go, be Beeston!

Where do you work?

How did you fare?

a. Boots. b. A bit at home, a bit in the office. c. Friday nights in the student bar. d. QMC/University/Nottingham.

Mostly A’s You are most likely Beeston born and bred, and could probably trace your bloodline back to someone who built the Parish Church. You mainly eat, drink and shop locally, knowing how much great stuff you have on your doorstep instead of buggering off into Nottingham or Derby. You are the fabric of the town.

Have you been to a Beeston Oxjam?

a. Yes, it’s a worth having to pay a few quid for. b. Yes, they’re brilliant. c. No, it clashed with a pub crawl round the city which involved a gang of us dressing up as characters from Star Wars and taking selfies in front of bus stops. d. I don’t know what it is.

Mostly B’s You are an incomer, one of the many who regularly congratulates themselves on their choice of place to live. As time goes on you will probably spend more time and money in Beeston, and make it an even better place for everyone.

Mostly C’s You are a student. Hopefully your stay in Beeston will be a good one, and there’s a strong chance you will stick around here and make it your permanent home.

Mostly D’s You are a commuter who passes through Beeston most weekdays on the tram. You make plans to come here on a weekend to shop, so get yerself here and start spending money. Quiz by JC

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Phase 2 Development If you are a follower of the excellent Facebook group Beeston Updated, you will probably be aware of the ongoing speculation and debate around the empty space between the interchange and Tesco. Many suggestions have been put forward about what people would like to see built on this area, some of them reasonable, some of them quite unlikely. What some people don’t realise is that the land has to generate an income for the council, so any inward investment needs to be something that a speculator thinks will deliver a return good enough to be able to pay their way with.

Until anything happens during this time of uncertainty and austerity, we have let our creative minds go into overdrive, to the point of developing this artist’s impression of what the site would look like if everyone’s demands were met. So here is what the centre of Beeston could look like in a couple of years, once all the flying pigs have been cleared from the airspace in order to let the builder’s cranes in. JC

FOOD!

t’s the most wonderful time of the cold, miserable, over-priced, consumerist month. The time we buy too much food and spend money on presents for people we don’t like which they don’t need or want. And yet, I bloody love Christmas. It’s taken me having a child to bring back its magic, and now as soon as Tesco’s start putting their selection boxes out in August I get a lovely feeling of lets-notbe-horrid-to-each-other which usually lasts until Boxing Day. Now, I know I may be in the minority here, so allow me to lay down a few contingency plans for the more Grinchy among us. It’s all going to be ok.

What to do if the Christmas Pudding won’t light: This tradition is puzzling. I’m all for lighting shots of absinthe on a good hen night then having a Maccys at 3am, but why set fire to a perfectly good liquor which may otherwise numb the effects of an entire day with your family? Odd. My suggestion is to make everyone, including Grandma, down a shot of brandy before eating some profiteroles. No one actually likes Christmas Pudding. What to do if Uncle Alan has too much to drink and gets a bit racist: If the conversation gets around to Brexit or Trump, here are my suggestions. Firstly, point to the nearest posh bit of food and explain that without the

What to do if the dinner is a disaster: I say preparation is key here. Light a fire on Christmas eve, and if you don’t have a wood burning stove just set fire to a pile of old boxes in a shopping trolley outside. Either will do. The warmth attracts wildlife, and inevitable something will either fall down the chimney/onto your bonfire and provide a lovely leg of venison/cat/ hedgehog for your family the following day. If anyone asks, it’s smoked game.

influence of European cuisine (or the actual word cuisine) we would all be sat around eating ham sandwiches or cocktail sticks with cheese and pineapple on. Everything rich and nutritious has probably come from outside the UK. Uncle Alan may only ever have enjoyed package holidays to Malaga before, so broaden his horizons with some chorizo or something. How to steer Aunty Dorothy’s dinner table conversation away from awkward personal information: You’re unmarried, and so in Dorothy’s eyes, highly abstract and possibly even ‘alternative’. You are still working in a ‘job’ job and not a ‘career’ job and have yet to put down any money towards a deposit for a house. My suggestion here is to crack open the Terry’s Chocolate Orange and explain that the baby boomers destroyed both the housing and employment market, and that it’s actually her fault that you are so overworked and depressed that no one finds you attractive any more. She’ll come round. What to do with leftovers: Leave them in the fridge along with your best intentions. Literally no one actually makes turkey soup the next day. Just buy less next year and give the cat a day to remember with a leg or two of roast hedgehog. Your budget will thank me. That’s it, and just remember folks, I’m not an expert. DL

Congratulations!!

verybody at the Beestonian was delighted this month to welcome a new contributor. Well, maybe he’s a little young at the moment but hopefully in the future he’ll be penning alongside his father. That’s right. Our Commander in Chief and his wonderful wife, Lord and Lady Beestonia, Matt and Dr. Ellie Turpin have had a son!

Little Leif Richard Isaac Turpin was born on the 9th of November. He was 8lb 6oz and 100% beautiful. Everyone at the magazine wants to wish Ellie and Matt the absolute best. Matt is of course the steering ship of this magazine, and Ellie is of course his Captain. I had the pleasure of attending their wedding. I thought then that I’d never seen two happier people. Then I popped in to see the two new parents and their baby and I saw I was wrong. Watching them dote on Leif I realised they were happy then, but now they were complete.

Best of luck Ellie and Matt, not that two such good people and undoubtedly excellent parents will need it. And little Leif, we hope this isn’t the last time you infiltrate this magazine’s pages. I for one want 500 words on your first impressions of Beeston, shall we say issue 75? That should give you some time to learn the particulars. CF

We took a selection from the FB page Beeston Updated.

e car y a ded ll d Fu d fun for an sions ged a ses dren rs l a chi -5 ye 0

Nur chil turing d the care in he Bee ar t of ston

“Good old fashioned community spirit! You won’t go far without seeing a friendly face. It’s cared about and loved” Claire E. “The people” Dan C. “I have just returned to Beeston and live near the centre. I love how I am in walking distance of the local shops, post office and bank but mainly that I am from here and have lots of family and friends nearby” Alan Y. “I like the independent shops, pubs and restaurants” Laura W.

Call us now on

0115 7750185 to book a visit and find out why our families love us! www.beestonnursery.co.uk

“Great parks, excellent pubs and the best vege restaurant in the country!!” Laura J.W. “Lovely down the river and canal, nature reserve and Wollaton Park” Judith P.

“I like canal side, the weir, the farmers’ fields where blackberries grow in the summer, Lakeside gardens and being able to cycle in to Nottm along the tow path xx” Debbie S. “For me it’s more of a case of what’s not to like about it! The Hop Pole, Crown, Pottle, Star, Greyhound, Malt Shovel all damn fine pubs and some of the best in the area. Then there’s the food; we excel in our array of restaurants, cafes and takeaways. Then there’s the green spaces and the river on our doorstep. Personally I wouldn’t live anywhere else!” Terri O. “I like the diversity and the independence of Beeston. It’s got everything you need... and there’s good access to nature, the city and the motorway. We even have our own train station and now (reaches for tin hat) the tram” Dan P.

ince last issue I have been a very busy bunny, myself and the lovely team behind Oxjam have been giving our all to provide a top notch extravaganza for the Beeston take over. Not content with providing just one awesome music filled, fun packed, 12 hours of diverse entertainment they only went and added an introducing, unplugged, classical night, and Ceidlh shindig too! Blimey, who’s a bit spoilt? Back at the first meeting I attended in the summer it was clear the dedication the team had all leading busy lives but still somehow finding time to give something back. The last few years I’ve headed to Oxjam I have enjoyed purely as a punter, happily paying the 8 pound ticket fee and free to wonder and catch some amazing music, last year I saw Anticure a talented dance outfit and the year before I was introduced to Same streets led by the incredible lead singer James Gooch who are slowly, quite deservedly, becoming more well known.

This year I shimmied on over to The British legion club, after being alocated the venue as a takeover manager alongside my friend Andrea. First act Fata Morgana armed with her trusty acoustic guitar slowly enticed people into the venue. Ivory Serfs regrettably had to cancel due to

being my birthday weekend I succumb to the naughty beer fairy and had a sneaky few before the Contest with some friends to celebrate another year I managed to survive. That didn’t stand in the way of some sterling performances by the acts, starting with Jim Dunn and also including

xmas

food poisoning meaning Dirty Scrounging b#stards filled the void proving more than a worthy successor. Young band, Danger Dog who was quite terrified at playing, but did well despite the nerves followed by Blue Vulture and by then the place was quite busy. Dawn of the dumb, take over and crowbar the crowd out of their seats to the dance floor. The nights disappeared way too quick as last act Madeline rust takes to the stage the night is over, I left exhausted headed home to collapse and reminisce what a great night it was. Erm what else? Ahhh the Hop Pole singer song writing competition, Well I have a confession to make,

Martin Ison, Joe Turner and Tim Gough. And the winner is? Well that will be telling heat two sees Beeston music pioneer Emma Bladon Jones, Martin Gallimore, Sally Charlesworth and Steve Cooper with finals every Sunday till the battle is over. Sadly gone are the sun laden chilled out festivals ( bar Download of course) and incoming are the Festive parties, overspending ,overindulgence and crappy cold dismal weather coupled with the impending doom that calls itself Christmas ( bah humbug hat is on). Unfortunately those resigned to be working in the retail sector have been facing mince pies and

tinned chocolates since around September. Fear not though as your friendly (ish) music contributor I have been busy sniffing out local shindigs and shenanigans for all your every festive desire, I am your personal musical planner, lucky you! Friday 2nd Dec The greyhound host rockers Skeleton crew starting at 9pm or same night over at British legion club comedy with duo Cabaret tickets £5.Sat 3rd Tristram shandy 1970s night plus disco at Victory club. Matt Chandler and Bo Hop trio bogey it up at Star inn Sunday December 4th £6 on the door. Friday 16th Charity night soul and motown at Victory club. Goose McCoy’s end of term bash/Christmas special at the Starr Friday 23rd Dec- free. Thursday dec29th the greyhound bravely has bad axe onstage, bad taste guaranteed, not a family gig! New Years Eve the Chequers plays host to The Modest mod and soul classics tickets a fiver or Cornmill have a 3 course meal and d.j for 26 smackers No festival twat-isms am afraid it’s too code (cold) as ya say round these parts, have a safe and very merry festive holiday am off to hibernate wake me up in spring! LD

Hair Today Gone Tomorrow The festive season isn’t just a time for shameless and irresponsible consumerism (though that is my favourite part of it) but is also a time for helping the less fortunate. I thought I’d highlight two great people this issue who have both helped the same charity. One of them is our very own core team member and regular contributor Jade, and the other is Noreen Boyle, a dedicated volunteer first responder and part-time Beeston Player.

In September had her hair cut for The Little Princess Trust and this month Noreen is doing the same. Between them they will have given around 60 centimetres of their own hair to be made into wigs for children suffering with cancer. As well as that they’ll have raised nearly £500 for the charity. Both of them had their hair cut at KH Hair next to Sainsbury’s. The Beestonian loves you ladies. Bare those bald noggins with pride. CF

Jade Moore

Noreen Boyle

OXJAM 2016 F

or the sixth year running we are proud to have delivered a successful Oxjam Music Festival in Beeston. This year, a new Team benefitted from the experience of previous ‘teams’, especially Heather and Mike. Thanks to them all.

Our ‘grand total’ this year is still awaiting confirmation but we do know that in six years Oxjam Beeston has raised £60,000, half of it in the last two years. Please check the Oxjam Beeston website at www.oxjambeeston.org for our official final total. Of course, we mustn’t forget that the Festival covered six events, spread over six months. The ‘Oxjam Ceilidh’ and ‘Classical Oxjam’ were the most successful but all the others raised respectable amounts to add you our grand total. Building on a firm foundation from previous years the 2016 Team thinks we also added a little flavour of our own! Coming from a ‘folk club’ background, I was pleased to be able to have just a little more folk and acoustic music, not only on the Takeover day, but also in a separate ‘Oxjam Unplugged’ event in July. I was also pleased that we had a slightly more diverse offering. Taking the Festival as a whole, apart from the ‘Unplugged’, we also had a mini choir festival on Takeover day, trad folk on Takeover afternoon (and through the inimitable Paul Carbuncle at ‘Unplugged’), some Hungarian folk fusion (‘Foreign Accent’), punk, postpunk, indie, blues. Americana and lots

George Gadd

Fata Morgana

more styles at ‘Takeover’ - and some Indian classical music in our ‘Classical’ programme. We were also able to involve more voluntary, charitable and public sector groups. These included a prominent role for the University of Nottingham (students and former students on the organising Team, and as performers and volunteers as well as financial support), several local schools provided performers or support for publicity (Alderman White, Chilwell

Jim Dunn

Comp, Wilsthorpe Community School in Long Eaton, Round Hill and John Clifford Primary Schools) and three local churches were venues (Beeston Methodist Church, Chilwell Road: choirs, Christ Church: ceilidh and Parish Church: ‘classical’) plus the Beeston Youth and Community Centre (venue for ‘Oxjam Introducing’); two other new venues were provided by Middle Street Resource Centre (‘Unplugged’ and Takeover afternoon) and Royal British Legion (Takeover evening).

Lucia Holmes

OXJAM 2016 Comments coming back to the Team have been universally positive about our organisation (too kind!) and the quality of music at all our events. We were happy to continue the successful ‘Introducing’ night for under19 performers which drew an enthusiastic crowd of mainly youngsters: thanks Anya and George, two of those youngsters who helped organise and promote it. The Music Quiz was almost TOO well attended: thanks Matt for being our quizmaster before retiring from the Team! The ceilidh was a right old knees-up, with Penny and Steve Benford taking prominent roles in organising and promoting the event, as well as playing the ‘toons’ with the Beeston Ceilidh Collective. ‘Classical Oxjam’, our last event, again provided a stage for young performers - with the Nottingham Youth Band providing our youngest and biggest group - but literally

spanned Bach to the Beach Boys as well as introducing most of the audience to the sarod, a fascinating Indian instrument: a kind of cross between the sitar and a steel guitar. We inevitably made mistakes as a Team but audiences were extremely generous in their understanding - as well as in their contributions. I learned through the course of organising and promoting the Festival that people have a very warm feeling towards Oxjam in Beeston. So thanks to them, thanks to the multitude of performers who sang, strummed, plucked, rattled keys, thrashed drum kits or did whatever else they needed to do to provide a wealth of diverse music right here in Beeston. Thanks to the venues, to our major sponsors NET and the Breeze Magazine, along with Nottingham University and thanks to our ticket outlets, Oxfam Books and Music and The Guitar Spot.

Finally, thanks to the superb Oxjam Team 2016 for their knowledge, skill, reliability and above all their energy: (in no particular order) Darren, Heather F, Penny, Steve, Raphael, Isobel, Val, Janos and Lulu. And, as of now, ALL positions on the Team for 2017 are vacant, so feel free to step forward and volunteer! Colin Tucker (Oxjam Takeover Manager 2016)

You Want Fox

Calm Man Club

Graeme Parry

Maddie Beestin

BEESTUMPED READY TO MAKE YOUR BRAIN HURT? HERE IT COMES... FEEL THE BURN!! 1. I am a box that holds keys without locks, yet they can unlock your soul.What am I? 2. I can travel from there to here by disappearing,and here to there by reappearing.What am I? 3. Throw it off the highest building, and I’ll not break. But put me in the ocean, and I will. What am I? 4.

can

YOU

find the Beest?

I can be found where anything cannot; dead men eat me all the time, but if a living man eats me, he’ll die. What am I?

5. I am the shortest complete sentence in the English language. What am I? What am I? 6. An apple begins with me and age too. I am in the midst of a man and foremost in every apprehension. You will find me in everyday and see me in all Autumns. It’s a pity that you cannot see me in the air and yet it’s so wonderful to be a part of the great Atlantic ocean! Guess what am I? 7. From which 7 letter word, if you take out 4 letters, you will have one left? 8. What is neither water nor land, and is always soaking wet? 9. What sickness can’t you talk about until it’s cured? 10. I am sneaky and pesky and when I seek for truth, it often gets me in trouble. Who am I? 11. What belongs to you, yet people use it more than you do? 12. What has a head, can’t think, but drives? ANSWERS: A Piano/The letter “T”/ A Wave/I Am Nothing/ I Am/The Letter A/Someone/ Wetlands/Laryngitis/I am curiosity/Your Name/ A Hammer

CODEWORD

The Beest is out and about in our great town of Beeston, but.... can YOU guess where he is? Head on over to our facebook page to make your answer - and see what other people think. Winners get a no-prize - it’s all to play for! www.facebook.com/TheBeestonian DC

The Future of Beeston?

“Bees officiall ton, Nottingh am gets y Leeds. twinned with We sta rt a coff Beeston, exchan ge prog e ramme e shop Beesto ns beg and bo in th a jo produc ing strip int venture y h o ney” – Roop am

“Beeston will feature in more of those ‘move here’ articles in newspapers and magazines, which feature the obligatory ‘enclave’, ‘ideally situated’ and ‘West Bridgford’ references” – John

“In 20 a large le 17 isure and retail co the empty mplex will be bu ilt si Lion, com te opposite The S on tar/White prising m ulti-scree swimmin n g pool, re gallery p cording st cinema, lus branc u dios, art h es of with, on top, a lan Waitrose and M &S ding pad for flying pigs.” – Colin

“The Beesto nian will be hit by th e coffee sho p explosion an d the editor start speakin will g in coffee w ords” – Matt

s “Tesco goes bust, the ucing it for prod ed great Bee s ston u store is repurposed as o m ow l be fa , they sh ome in a roller derby rink and the ‘Beeston ston wil ic e m e o B c k h up n “I thin a broke a stand Beasts’ become a world famous rolle im from e of their own” ous aren r first fam y in adopting h n o s team. GO BEASTS!” a im it h s g ro n e ti n ea ge – Dan e and tr – Scott ? – Ed.) Yorkshir “Bee adoptee r a ll te s own ston wil is th is o Wh all w festival i l have its “Our beloved (Wow! to sa ill bring a n which Minister for Parliament we cri ja p ledge fice to th r of hone (whoever that is) whilst e bee alege man y “Alton nce t building on the greenbelt a “Beeston Beeman o t h e mig nd tram Towers buys the uncovers a rip in space/ ” h turns out to be living ty – Lul u former bus station and empty time unleashing the mighty statue, hiding from the horrors land near the transport exchange Cthulhu and his army of of 2016, reawakening in the and submits plans to build a special Shoggoths. The world comparative Xanadu of 17” rollercoaster ride for the tram, is plunged into an age – Ric thereby making the entrance into of madness, chaos and Beeston unique” “Beeston will be destruction. But the trams – Christopher underwater” still run.” – Christian – Editor

Gossip from the

HIVEMIND +++ Shoe shops. Why are they no shoe shops in Beeston? A quick look on the FB Beeston Updated discussion site and it’ll seem like Beeston can’t stop keeps pondering this question (see Page 12 for a response). Weirdly, we do have at least half a dozen places to buy shoes in Beeston, but still they demand. Have we been taken over by an army of marauding millipedes?

+++ All ill-gotten gains donated to charity, of course +++ +++ More Shenanigans from Beeston’s biggest internet forum, Beeston Updated (co-ran by the same people who bring you this bundle of printed joy) with this wonder post:

+++ The Beestonian and Beeston Oxjam are forever entwined after both starting at the same time (we’re both 5, and no longer need nappies), so we were dead happy to see it bringing crowds back to the town again. We had a corking time, it being the first year we’ve not worked it. Blimey Beeston, you can party. We still cannot forget the guy getting served before us in The Hop Pole, who, on asking what beer he’d like replied with a slurred “All of it” before being seized by a moment of clarity and then announcing “Ah, no. A taxi please”. Sir, we salute you +++ +++ Great to see a new venue added to festival, in the form of the British Legion. Wow. We are in love. We particularly are enamoured with the bizarre vending machine that dispenses a game card where you can win anything between 50p and £10. A member of staff on this very publication forced so many coins into the machine desperate to hit the big time he spent not just that night’s beer money in hopeless pursuit, but (possibly) his child’s inheritance. Then had to watch in despair as yours truly had a go and struck gold on his first attempt whGdUH!!d@&%*!! Apologies, the designer of this magazine just lost control for a moment. Totally unrelated.

Thanks!

Huge thanks to all of our contributors, sponsors, stockists, regular readers and anyone who has picked this up for the first time (hello!)

Sponsorship Rates Want to advertise with us? We rely on advertising to keep running. email us at thebeestonian@gmail.com for rates.

+++ Sadly, it turned out to be not entirely true (she’d had a decorating disaster), and we were denied our very own Beeston Jack Nicholson out of The Shining…. +++ +++ Great news for the White Lion, which has been named an Asset of Community Value due to its excellent work not just being a pub and restaurant, but a refugee aid drop-in centre; a music venue; a crèche; an art gallery; a film club; a rehearsal space; a recording studio and so many other things. If it starts selling shoes, then everybody will be happy +++

+ thebeestonian@gmail.com + Facebook.com/thebeestonian + Twitter.com/thebeestonian + issuu.com/thebeestonian (all our editions online)

The Beestonian

c/o 106 Chilwell Road Beeston Nottingham NG9 1ES