You Are Here/siarch by matterhorn

ERY

BODY’S

PUT T

JAN 2014 00

NG O U T,

siarch

YOU ARE H E R E

BUT NO ON E’S

GETTI LAID

JKJ ATL 01.28.14

paradise of drones; a vast, belittling clearinghouse o f c h a t t e r. Va l i d a t i o n a n d malediction find a happy mean where every word means well. I f y o u d o n ’t h a v e a n y t h i n g n i c e t o s a y, i t ’s p r o b a b l y because the means with which to say it have been taken off the market. ‘The greater good’ is never heard now that the haters have been hushed. Everyone is a channel but n o o n e ’s w a t c h i n g . E v e r y p a w n ’s a q u e e n b u t t h i s game ends in stalemate. And no one knows how to declare it but this language of ours is totes dead.

OF THESE ELEMENTS: a.) ESSAYS; SOME FINISHED, SOME NOT b.) SKETCHBOOK HATCHLINGS IN VARIOUS MODES OF DESHABILE c.) THE QUIVERING, QUIXOTIC HAND OF SELF-COLLAGE THAT DISTRIBUTES a.) AND b.) INTO d.) d.) PAPER, BLACK POWDER, SPINAL PINS

Why

I’M SWEARING OFF USE OF THE ‘ITEMIZED LIST’ RHETORICAL DEVICE:

Number one, I don’t like counting. Two, making the ‘number one’ point too

often comes accompanied by a pointing, scolding finger-wagging motion (sometimes executed unconsciously by the pointer-outer) which belittles both parties.

Thirdly,

it’s a fatuous foot to put forward, given that I never know how many articles I have on hand to enumerate; in other words, I don’t even begin to articulate number two until it’s halfway out my asshole. My fourth and final statement on the matter is that I should just shut up. Shut up, me! Shut me up; somebody please make me shut the fucking fuck up.

Dan i e l ;

o r, D e n i a l

[ T R E AT M E N T F O R A S H O RT STO RY ]

his is the stor y of t h e wi c k ed es t b o y t h e wo r l d ha s e v er kn own , an d h o w t h e wo r l d f o r g a ve h i m b e for e they exec uted h im. Th e i d ea f o r t h i s s t o r y i s d er i v e d f rom the historic al fig u r e G i l l es d e Ra i s , 16 th c en t ur y F r e nch aristoc rat c on v i c t ed o f t h e s a d i s t i c m u r d e r of c ou ntle ss c h ildren . Th e c h a r a c t er o f G i l l es d e Ra i s, a s i ntuited by the 19 th c en tu r y n o vel i s t J. K. Hu ys m a n s i n hi s boo k L à- Bas, has in formed t h e n a t u r e o f o u r pr o t a g o ni s t D aniel, who oth er wise is t h e g l o ve u po n t h i s a u t h o r ’ s fi s t. And now your auth or, an o t h er J. K. a s i t t u r n s o u t , w oul d l i k e to s witc h to a first per s o n P OV, o k a y?

‘Dani el’ th e c h arac ter i s 8 9 % b a s ed o n m ys el f a s a teena ger, as apprehe n d ed f r o m t h e p er s pec t i ve o f the self I in habit at the t i m e o f t h i s wr i t i n g . To wi t , I a m mid d le-aged, c h ildless a n d m o s t l y u n em p l o yed . I f I’ m gr anted approval to wr i t e t h i s s t o r y, I h er eb y p r o m i s e not to molest, fon dle o r o t h er wi s e c o r r u p t m y yo u ng e r self .

n this stor y, D an iel c ul t i va t es a c o n s i s t en t d r ea m w or l d to w hic h h e return s a g a i n a n d a g a i n , n i g h t a f t er n ig ht . T hink H. P. L ovec raft ’ s T he Dr e a m -Wo r ld o f Un know n Ka rda th , but more c l o s el y r es em b l i n g o n e o f t h os e g iganti c truc k-stops tha t a r e l i k e m i n i - f i ef d o m s i n the l o ng s tr etc h es between c i t i es . D a n i el g r a d u a l l y b ec o me s a war e that h e’ s startin g t o b r i n g s o m e a s pec t s o f t he d r eamw orld in to his wa k i n g l i f e. W h a t f o r m t h i s t a k es i s

Und eci ded, but th e c rux o f i t i s t h a t a n a l i en el em ent of ev il, heretofore un kn o wn t o ea r t h , h a s b een i n t r o d uce d b y ou r un wittin g prota g o n i s t . I nstead of shoulderin g t h e h ea vy r em o r s e d u e t he per pe trator of suc h c r i m i n a l n eg l i g en c e, D a ni e l r e tr oac tively en ac ts the r o l e o f t h a t o n e wh o â&#x20AC;&#x2122; d wi l l ful l y d espo il h uman ity ; it seem s ea s i er t o d em o n i ze h i ms e l f than to abase h imsel f wi t h p en i t en c e. Bu t i n evi t a bl y, the tr ajec tor y of th is D a ed a l ea n a r c wen d s a n d wi n ds t o a w e epy den ouemen t, a b i g pu b l i c t r i a l i n wh i c h a ll hi s gu ilt is spilt like visc er a u p o n t h e f l o o r, t h er e f o r a l l to see and judge. A ll o f h uman ity c ompri s es t h e ju r y. A s t o n i s h i n g l y, t he y f or g iv e D an ielâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s c areles s t r ea d t o a n d f r o t h e t h r es hhol d o f the real. Mostly, t h i s i s b ec a u s e t h ey h a ve b e tt e r thi ng s to do an d, h a vi n g b een s eq u es t er ed a t gr e a t expens e upon a sin gle c o n t i n en t , a r e m a k i n g f r eq ue nt r e f e r e n c es, with less a n d l es s l evi t y, t o c a n n i b a l i s mâ&#x20AC;&#x2122; s sav age resort. But th a n k s t o t h e u t i l i t a r i a n s ei zu re of the b ologn a in dustr y, a f l eet o f a i r c r a f t a r e d epl o ye d to d eliv er th e largest pay l o a d o f l u n c h eo n m ea t i n h i st or y to the raven ous jurors . Th u s , a va s t s t a r f i el d o f sa ck lu nche s falls from the sk i es a n d n o u r i s h ed t h e g a t h eri ng . A nd b y a Mirac le Wh ip o f m a yo n n a i s e t h ey a r e f ed . Whe n th e jurors event u a l l y r et u r n t o t h ei r h o m es i n a not v e r y orderly diasp o r a wh i c h l a s t s a f ew yea r s for so me, th ey disc over t h ei r l i ves h a ve b een u s u r ped by o ppo r tun istic n on -vot er s o f va r i o u s s t r i pes ; f el ons , gypsies, th e legally-de a d . O f c o u r s e, t h e i m p o s t er s

d eny e v er ythin g. Hen c e t h e s u b t i t l e o f t h i s s t o r y. H a ! Yo u thou ght it was bec a u s e ‘d en i a l ’ i s a n a n a g r a m f or ‘ Daniel,’ didn ’ t you? Wel l , yo u ’ r e wr o n g . S o , Dani el is forgiven by h i s peer s , b u t s t i l l m u s t f a c e t h e j u d gmen t of a mec h a n i zed s ec u l a r a u t h o r i t y, wh i ch p e r fu nctorily sen ten c es hi m t o d ea t h . D a n i el i s ex ec u t e d b y lethal suggestion (in wh i c h t h e s u b jec t i s f o r c ed t o l i sten to a taped voic e tel l i n g h i m o r h er o ver a n d o ve r ag ain: ‘ You’ re dead mea t ,’ u n t i l i t i n evi t a b l y b ec o m e s t r u e, d u e to star vation ). O ne mo r e thin g: D an iel ha s a n i m a g i n a r y f r i en d n a m e d Dav id Fo ster Wallac e, w h o s i t s o n h i s s h o u l d er s a nd s mi les e nigmatic ally but n ever s a ys a wo r d .

TODAY’S HEADLINES: GOD-BESOTTED ODDBALL plotted explosive lip balm— ’I’ll fob it off on the mob,’ bomber blogged

M O V I E S T U D I O WILL F O R ‘ L A P A R A S C O P I C ’

FACE PROBE R O M - C O M

Cotton Mather’s Pope Elmo I

Alma Mater Disinters Behest of Bishopric

Wristwrestler

ARRESTED FOR

T r i s t e s s e F O L L O W I N G T R Y S T I N Tr i e s t e ’s ROBITUSSIN DISTRICT Also: Who’s the hot new martyr in our upcoming Women of the Canon Calendar? Hint: she starved herself to death so she could model for last year’s special Hairshirt Issue!

OK Concupiscence

c c asion ally I n eed a h u g . Wi t h t h i s i n mi nd, alon gside a h ea l t h y p r es en t i m en t o f f a i l ur e , I rec en tly drafted a pr o f i l e o f s el f f o r a p op ul a r onli ne datin g site. J ust l i k e a n y o n e o f t h e wes t er n w or l d’ s s cor e s of vulgar bores, I wel c o m e ever y o pp o r t u n i t y to t a l k ab ou t myself. O h yes, I c a n s i n g a t h em e s o n g o f m e tha t wo u ld make Walt Whit m a n wet h i m s el f . A n d , i n c o mmon with e ver y other Amer i c a n l o u d m o u t h wi t h a b a r ba r i c y aw p in h is c olon an d a n eed t o s h o u t a b o u t i t t o a ny one who’ll listen , I offer n o a po l o g y f o r m y pr es u m pt i o u sne s s . But, of course, unlike my dull brethren of ruminating chatte l, my sh it shin es l i k e S c a t m a n Cr o t h er s . O r, t o di v e r t the m e taphoric al flow t h r o u g h a n o t h er c h a n n el jus t a s b as e: my bran d of super - a b s o r b en t i n t r o s pec t i o n s t o p p e r s s ang u in ity with a prop r i et a r y b u n g t h a t b ea t s a n y of the le ad ing c ompetitors (a c c o r d i n g t o m y d es u l t o r y s c a n of the tampon aisle). Th is i s m y b l o o d ; b u y i t i n b u l k .

Mr. and M r s . Self

I ’v e never been able t o c r a f t a c o h er en t r és u m é. H a v i ng hacke d a path from w o r k pl a c e t o wo r k p l a c e f o r a fe w decades of putative us ef u l n es s t o t h e c o m m o n we a l th, I s eem to have c harted my c o u r s e a c c o r d i n g t o a s k ew e d s e t of s tar s. My sextan t is p er ver s el y c a r eer - a ver s e, i t s e e ms . On the oth er han d, I c la i m s o m e d i s t i n c t i o n i n m y a b il i ty to pe n v ar ious profiles fo r s o c i a l n et wo r k i n g s i t es . Th e r e ’ s a cer tai n art to th ese fli r t y a d ver t i s em en t s f o r o u r s el v e s by whi ch we sn itc h out ou r s o u l s t o p i m p o u r o n l i n e ri de . A politici an ’ s mutable c e n t er i s u s ef u l . S o m e d eg r ee of de ft

d i ss emb lin g required. A pr a c t i s ed h a n d a t m i s d i r ec t i on m a y m as k D aedalean flig h t s o f l en s - f l a r e g i m m i c k r y a s S i syphe an h umility. In s u c h wa ys m a y t h e r h et o r i c of s e ducti o n un derlie the br i c k - a n d - m o r t a r p l a i n t ex t . I t’ s a re p u lsiv ely fac ile disc ipli n e, f r a n k l y. A nd someh ow, u n er r i n g l y ( s t o r y o f m y l i fe ), t h is skill falls within the s a m e s p o t o f g r o u n d a s a l l my o t he r innate stren gths— th i s s a d , b r o wn p a t c h o f l a n d l e ft p e r ennially un touc h ed by t h e l i f e- g i vi n g l i g h t o f c el est i a l f o r tu ne , f rom whose boun d l es s b u r n i n g i n f er n o a r e a l l the w or ld ’s e mployees paid da i l y r ec o m p en s e.

N o t f or L ov e Nor Mon ey

Cas h r u in s ever yth in g a r o u n d m e. G r a n t ed , I ’ ve n e v e r t h o r ou ghly sifted the c ons i d er a b l e c l a i m o f d i r t a r o u n d me f o r g limmers of gold (an d i f I d i d , i t wo u l d b e m a d d en i ng t o separ at e the glitter f r o m a l l el s e wh i c h d o es ) . I’ v e f e l t the lust of purc hase , b u t I ’ ve n ever b een g r i pp ed by t h e i nv i sible han d of c ap i t a l a c c r u a l a s a n en d i n i t se l f. Avar i ce as an abstrac tion s eem s a s f a r r em o ved f r o m t he re a lm of my experien c e a s t h e c o i n b a t h s en jo yed b y C a r l Bar ks’ con summate tyc o o n . Bei n g t h er ef o r e i n n o c en t of c u rr e ncy’s c arn al debauc h , m y m a i d en h ea d a c h es t o be f o r ci b ly i n formed. Lon g ago, a c ou r s e o f s t u d y wa s s er ved t o my i ncompr e h en din g adolesc en t p a l et t e. A c u l - d e- s a c s ea s on i nt o the r educ tive, bottom - l i n e er o t i c a o f Ayn Ra n d s u f f ice d t o s hov e my n ose in th e b a t s h i t o f a po l em i c a l ps yc h os i s p o sited on a lazy c ertitude. Bu t t h a t ’ s m y f u l l b a l a n c e.

Un i n te llig ib le Design

We’r e a risible, fallen r a c e o f t a l k i n g a n i m a l s . We r a p e and kill un der c over of s weet n es s a n d l i g h t , a n d t h e fa i th whi ch elevates us is in d i s t i n g u i s h a b l e f r o m t h e t r i b a l t hr ob of pr imal bloodlust w h i c h s en d s u s b a c k t o pr el a p s a r i a n s av ager y. A c rude mech a n i s m i n o u r s k u l l s , r es em b li ng t he g r e y, wrin kled butt c heek s o f s o m e s u pi n e s em i - s a p i e nt cr e atu re, h osts th e pe r p et u a l s t o r m o f c o g n i t i ve a cti v i ty whi ch we pass off as fr ee wi l l . We a s s u r e o u r s el ves t ha t w e ar en’t all the same. We f eel c er t a i n t h a t we a r e n o t me r e l y animals. We breed a eug en i c d i a r r h ea o f c o r r ec t i ve n ot i ons designed to wish oursel ves i n t o t h a t wh i c h we t hi nk w e s hou ld be. But, alas, no a m o u n t o f r h et o r i c a l p r eva ri ca t i on has e v er made a fun d a m en t a l a l t er a t i o n t o t h e f l oor p l a n of o u r selves. Wish it i n t o t h e c o r n f i el d a l l yo u w i l l , but we ar e still th e sum of t h e va r i o u s c o n t r a d i c t o r y el e me nts whi ch c omprise the e s t a t e o f o u r i n t er n a l a r c h i t e ct ur e . Per haps someday, c ons c i o u s n es s wi l l f i n d i t s wa y fr e e of the lab yrin th of grey fo l d s . Tr u l y, I h o p e o u r r a c e o f s huti n I ’s will someday sp i l l f o r t h f r o m t h ei r i s o l a t e n ut s t o b ab b le a n ew Babel u p t o h ea ven , a n d f r o m t h e nce t o s to r m th e kin gdom in g l o r i o u s p o l yg l o t h er es y. A r e not a l l ou r lo n ely n arratives b u t a r t i f a c t s o f a d eb a s ed d i vi ni t y ?

I an d M y Chimn ey

M o st h ouses stan din g t o d a y ( i n t h e po r t i o n o f t h e g l obe to w hic h I’ ve been pr i vy) s h a r e a c o m m o n s pi n a l fe a tur e whose utility h as been o b vi a t ed wi t h i n t h e l a s t h undr e d y ear s . ‘Home is where t h e h ea r t h i s ,’ m u r m u r s o u r r a ci a l s hor t- term memor y. M a yb e s o m eo n e i n t h e h o us e hol d actu ally kn ows h ow to wo r k i t . M a yb e o n s o m e f l u k e y

s peci al win ter’s eve a fi r e wi l l b e i n vo k ed , a n d f r o m the h ear t of our h omes a do m es t i c a t ed i n f er n o wi l l l i c k s oot i n to the virgin flue. De spite the un likelihood we’ l l ever a g a i n d epen d u po n our chimne ys (un less our pra yer s f o r a po c a l yps e a r e f i na l l y, m er cif ully an swered wit h a n es c h a t o l o g i c a l b l o c k b u ste r — y et the odds an d th e go d s a r e c r u el l y s et a g a i n s t i t ), m o st w ell-appoin ted h o m es f eel i n c o m p l et e wi t hout o n e . Picture th e th in g, i f yo u wi l l : a ver t i c a l p a s s a g e of ( p r e f e r ab l y) ston e an d m o r t a r, i m pa s s a b l e b y a n y but s eas o nal c on c eits an d s a d D i c k en s i a n u r c h i n s ; a l r e a dy y ou can guess the gift wr a p p ed a n a l o g y I ’ ve pr epa r e d f or y o u . An age of en lig h t en m en t h a s b i r t h ed a n ew s un w hich never sets, n ever r el en t s , n o r s o f t en s i t s p u r i f y i ng l i g ht. B y its radian c e we h a ve, a s a b o d y s o c i a l , s t er i l i z e d a pr oper laborator y spa c e f r ee f r o m t h e d u s t a n d r o t of an aeo n’s superstition s. We c u l t i va t e s p ec i a l i s t s a m ong u s who collude an d c o l l i d e t o g et h er t o t ea s e o u t t he i n tr i ns ica te kn ot of ma t h em a t i c a l t r u t h . L et ’ s b e s e x i s t and call sc ien c e the penet r a l i a wh i c h pu s h es i t s wa y i nt o t he cr o codile-in fested wet l a n d s o f u n f a t h o m a b l e f ema l e m yster y. Wh at surprise w a i t s c o i l ed i n t h e c l ef t o f h er hol e o f ho lies? Wh at death wi l l s a t e h er m o o d ; a t wh a t u s ur ous r ate w i ll we rape truth l o o s e f r o m h er t o o t h y f l es h l i g ht? O ur ins crutable, diffic ul t b ea u t y s c r ews h er c o q u ett i s h f ace at u s, teases us from b eh i n d a s c r een wi t h a k n o w i ng s mile; we ac he for the d a y wh en a l l t h a t i s c o m el y a nd al l ur i ng of h er c avern ous m a w i s s c r a p ed o u t , s t u d i e d, u sed up, sold for sc raps. A h , l o ve.

nd y et I say this pend u l u m , b y i t s p er i o d i c a l l y pr e ci s e passage alon g a lin ea r a x i s , i s a t t h e s a m e t i m e our o b late s pheroid pin n ed an d s p i n n i n g i n o r b i t a l a m b i va l e nce , t o r n b etween a lust for c u r va c eo u s t i m es pa c e a n d the re fi ne d disc iplin e of en tr o pi c a c c el er a t i o n . And I i mplore you to own t h e i n n a t e s ym m et r y o f our n atur e ; that righ t may c oex i s t wi t h l ef t i n b i n a r y t en s i on. W hat r u d imen t of th e rea l d o es n o t wo r r y i t s u g l y g en i ta l s a g ains t th ose of its in s u f f er a b l y f u c k a b l e c o u n t er p a r t? W hat le erin g magn etism s ed u c es wi t h o u t b ei n g r epu l s i v e a bou t i t?

he s ci en tific method i l l u m i n a t es o u r i n c h i n g a d vance ; b y its ligh t we may o n e d a y f r ee o u r s el ves f r o m the t y r anny of dumb matter. Bu t i t ’ s a n u t t er l y i n u t i l e s e t of t o ols w i th regard to th e q u es t i o n o f h o w b es t t o l i ve i n our o wn he ad s. Th e in terior d es i g n o f o n e’ s m en t a l r es i d e nce re q uir e s an ac quain tanc e wi t h d i s c r ed i t ed a es t h et i cs . It ’ s ti me to make peac e wi t h a l l t h e f a b u l o u s b u nk um o f r e ligio n ; release all th e c o s m o l o g i c a l b ea s t i es i n the c i rcus o f sh ared delusion , a n d l et t h em r o m p a b o u t a nd k i ll e ach other over an d o ver a g a i n . Two n i g g l i n g n o t i ons a re her e b y marked for ex t i r p a t i o n : 1.) Th a t t o t r a f f i c i n be lief s ystems requires a n y s i n c er e f a i t h wh a t s o eve r t o f u nctio n effec tively in ou r ves t i g i a l h ea r t h s , a n d 2 .) T ha t a n y deity we’ve devised i n o u r l o n g n i g h t s o f t h e s o u l ha s a p r i v ileged position over t h o s e o f o t h er a u t h o r s ’ othe r boo ks, and that a sin gul a r d evo t i o n t o o n e pr i n c i p a l a nd t h e exclusion of the ma n y i s a t a n eq u i va l en t l eve l of c i vi lizatio n as wearin g th e s a m e u n d er wea r ever y d a y.

What I ’m sayin g is th a t wh i l e h a l f o f u s ex p en d s en e r g y t o r e f i ne its searc h f o r t h e f u n d a m en t a l p a r t i c l e s of o b j e cti v e, obser vable ga m e p h ys i c s , o u r evi l t wi n s h oul d r omp in Eden ic , un n am ed m u l t i p l i c i t y, a n d s h o u l d p l a y d r e ss- u p with an y c razy c o s t u m e i t p l ea s es ; t h e o n l y e di ct w hich obtain s, in the un f a t h o m a b l e D i o n ys i a n n i g h t of our r i ght lo bes, is an in jun c t i o n a g a i n s t c o m m i t t i n g t o a ny p ar ti cular mode or h ue. Yo u ’ r e n o t t h e m a r r yi n g s i d e.

r ow up, people. Yo u r n o t i o n o f s i n i s i n f a n t il i z i ng and an tihuman , an d yo u r s i p p y c u p o f a b o m i n a ti ons o v er flo weth with abs c es s ed l u s t . Yo u r p u r s u i t of happi ne ss h as n avigate d yo u , l i k e a c o n f u s ed G P S s yste m, i n to an in verted disc o-ba l l o u b l i et t e—a ph o t o b o o t h w i t h l ur i d , b ad ligh tin g an d a n en d l es s p r o c es s i o n o f f l as hi ng l i g hts and faked smiles . Yo u r t h i n k yo u s er ve t h e c a u s e of y ou r sac red c ow by pres er vi n g i t i n pi ec es , i n a f r eez e r i n t he b asemen t. It would b e b es t i f yo u s t o p p ed r een a ct i ng y ou r li f e . Take th e n ext b a b y s t ep p a s t d r o o l i n g , b o ol e a n, b inar y b reastfeedin g. A b a n d o n t h e c o p r o ph a g i c c i r c l e j e r k o f li b er a lism’ s laissez-f a i r e m em e b u k k a k e; l et t h e dul l ne cr o sis of materialism h a pp en wi t h o u t yo u . I t ’ s i ns a ne o u t her e in the sun . Al l t h e k i d s a r e p l a yi n g , a n d al l t he s tar s no lon ger win k f r o m o l d p h o t o g r a ph s . A h a p p y catas tr ophe of bruises, m u d , c l ea t s a n d t ea r s i n f l a t e s t he geo d esic orb. No more l i g h t n o w ; t h e l i m b s a n d r o o t s of a gr e at Yg gdrasil desec ra t es t h i s b u r i a l g r o u n d .

A nd o n your tombston e i s a n a c r o n ym n o o n e r em em be r s how to in terpret. An d a l l yo u r c o m m o n pl a c e t a t t o o s g i r d y ou r putrefyin g body wi t h a g r i d o f b l u e i n k t h a t t r a ps y our s ou l i n a kitsc h h ell of un r em i t t i n g Hel l o Ki t t y a n o m i e .

SELFIE I was born in selfie, t h e wo r s t s u b d i vi s i o n i n a l l o f whi te flight’s subur b a n b l i g h t s . I n s el f i e, yo u lear n real quic k h ow t o pr o t ec t yo u r s el f f r o m shake down s by pizza d el i ver y s t o o g es . Yo u l ea r n how to soldier throug h m o m en t s o f u n c o m f o r t a b l e clas s distin c tion that a r i s e ju s t b ec a u s e yo u d o n ’ t know how to mop a f l o o r, o r b ec a u s e yo u s p ea k w i th a p rec ise c ourtesy wh i c h t h e u n c o u t h m i s t a k e f or u nctuousn ess. Yo u eith er purc h ase t h e ves t m en t s o f u n i ver s a l so lipsism at full bran d - n a m e c o s t , o r f i n d yo u r s el f d eliv ered from freedo m o f c h o i c e a n d a s s i g n ed a knock- off gen eric pack a g e. Yo u ’ll n ever see you r p a r en t s f i g h t . E m o t i o n i s so methin g you on ly see o n t v, l i k e ex pl o d i n g c a r s . Ev er y th in g you do is ei t h er ef f o r t l es s o r d o n e f o r yo u , an d you won ’t fin d o u t wh a t t h e g r o u n d f eel s like b e n eath your feet u n t i l i t ’ s f a r t o o l a t e t o l ea r n how to tie your sh oes . Oh, b u t by all mean s, a s k yo u r n ew f r i en d s f r o m A par tlan d-D ivorc ia for h el p wh en yo u r l i m b s g i ve w ay li ke a Tour de Fra n c e Yo u Tu b e s pa zz. I ’ m s u r e the y’ll let you c ompl a i n wi t h o u t k i c k i n g ever y sing le l ivin g sh it out of yo u .

THIS IS CYA N OS I S

G r ygori F uddin g E g g a g e

n a wf ul noi se comes from a s ton e r w e arin g il l -f ittin g 70’s te n ni s a p p a r e l ( $ 2 0 0 o n eBay.com): “MW MW MW MW M”

CUT TO: s l i s t .o r g )

h ead explodi ng in a microw av e (modif ie d microw av e $ 4 0 c r a i g -

GF E,

weari ng a gi ant boo k cos tume ($80 e ts y. com): “Dad! No!” [ Tu r n t o Camera 2]: “Hello, w hite A me rica. Hav e you e v e r s e e n a ca r e x p lo d e ? I m ea n in r eal, scri pted li fe. T h e an s w e r is : ‘Me n e ithe r! ’ B ut hav e you e ve r w o nd e red why ? Ev er y day of our li v e s w e s e e cars e x p l ode on un s crip te d Su p e r T V. I t h a ppens f r eq uent ly enough t h at w e can ’t e v e n gl an ce at a p arke d v e hicle w i t h o u t ou r minds bl owi ng i t u p for u s.”

GF E

( in th e book cost ume, re me mbe r) e x p l ode s in a s udde n f ire b a ll. Fi r e f ig ht i ng fi sh swi m from al l dire ction s to p us h the w ate r in to t h e b la z e . I t q uic kl y ab at es.

GF E’s

gh ost (dressed as a p irate d S p ace G hos t l ike n e s s in v i o la t i o n o f copyri gh t law { ce as e & de s is t! } ): “A n d that’s w hy, to t h i s d a y, t h e b ig f is h float s wi t h h i s bi g, bl ue f ace up on the s urf ace of the w a t e r s , i t s i n s ane ey e seemi ng to h av e bu rst its s urf e it of un tas te d w is dom in jus t t h e s o r t of p hy sio l o g ical cri si s th at tends to s trike our f in e s t min ds , w ithout a c a r e f o r w hether o r not th e bi g fi sh h as foun d the w he re w ithal to f ois t its hardw o n t r u t h s u po n the f ac e of unbattered, i mp e rturbabl e youth. W hich, as it hap p e n e d , i t h a d n o t . C o ns eq uently, all ou r li t tle f is he s , up on maturity, take the n e w vi e w f r o m t h e new aq ua ri um u nswi mmi ngly. T he y l as t a mon th or tw o at mos t af t e r f la i li n g a b out with impot ent out rage t h a t the w orl d to w hich the y’d grow n ac c u s t o m e d h a d b een r eplaced wi th one th at w oul d re q uire s ome e f f ort to ap p re he n d .”

D isc l a i m e r VO :

“No on e can kn ow w hat it’s l i k e b e h i nd an othe r p e rs on ’s e ye bal l s . T h e c o s t o f c u l t iva ting a clear v oi ce capable of p roje ctin g the common idiom of th e u n i qu e ly p a rtic ul a r is murderously proh i bitiv e . S o re me mbe r : thos e p rop he ts w e n e g le c t t o k i ll m us t b e p ardoned for th ei r o ccas ion al f ail ure to l iv e .”

S he was so tired by t h e en d o f i t t h a t s h e c r a s h e d on the world c losest to her b u t t . W h en s h e wo k e u p a w e e k later sh e saw she’d wi ped o u t a l l t h e d i n o s a u r s . Ag a i n, she s pen t a wear yin g n i g h t t u c k i n g a l l t h o s e t o o t h y, fa t nuisan c es in to th eir b ed s o f c r u s t a n d m a n t l e. T he n, j ust b efore sh e c ollap s ed f r o m ex h a u s t i o n , s h e i n ve s te d in pe troleum. This wa s t h e o n l y s o u n d f i n a n c i a l m ov e she ’d ever make, but i t wo u l d p r o ve s u f f i c i en t t o s e nd he r gr a n dson off to c o l l eg e, s h e s a i d wi t h a t wi n k l e of pr i d e, so he’d have a b et t er l i f e t h a n s h e’ d h a d . H e ’ d ne v er have to c lean up s o m eo n e el s e’ s m es s o f b a l ls nor d ig ditc h es for over w ei g h t l i za r d s , n o s i r.

n 19 7 7 I moved from O h i o t o G eo r g i a . M o s t l y I wa n te d to b e closer to my fa m i l y, b ec a u s e t h ey wer e m o v i ng t he r e . A l so, th ey were t a k i n g a l l m y s t u f f wi t h t h em , a nd I was on ly seven . My mo m an d dad h ad bo t h b een r a i s ed i n t h e s o u t h. A s stu d ents at Georgia Tec h a n d A g n es S c o t t , t h ey’ d me t on an e levator th at was o u t o f o r d er f o r t wel ve f u l l da y s be f or e someon e fixed i t a n d r es c u ed t h em . By t h e n, t he y’d on ly partially re s o r t ed t o c a n n i b a l i s m , b u t f ul l y fallen in love. My d ad was workin g h i s wa y t h r o u g h s c h o o l wi t h the h e lp o f t h e Air Forc e, a n d s o i t wa s t h a t t h ey s o l d i e r e d t hr o u gh th eir stin t in t h e s n o w- t i r ed m i d wes t . F i na l l y, whe n all of the alien r em a i n s h a d b een t h o r o u ghl y de b r i ef e d, th ey were fr ee t o r et u r n t o t h e l a n d o f D i x i e Cu ps. So it was don e, a n d s o I h a ve wr i t t en , t h a t w e relo cate d to the promis ed l a n d , l ed b y Ch a r l t o n Hes t on’ s c old , d ead han d an d th e ec o n o m i c pr o m i s e o f pr i v a t e sector militar y employm en t . Mar i etta, a suburb of At l a n t a , wa s i n t h o s e d a ys r u l e d by a gian t mec h an ic al c h i c k en , wh o s e r ei g n h a d t a k e n a tu r n wh en ligh tn in g h a d s t r i c k en i t wa c k . I t s g r e a t , fear s o me eyes, than k f u l l y, r o l l ed n o m o r e, b u t n ow i ts e d ict s c luc ked an d s q u a wk ed wi t h Rea g a n i t e z e a l . D r aw i ng like-min ded fo l k f r o m f a r a n d wi d e, M a r i e tt a , i n the eigh ties, absorbed t h o u s a n d s o f t r a n s pl a n t s fr om a r ou nd th e c oun tr y in to i t s g r ea s y f o l d .

T he B i g Ch ic ken , as it wa s c o m m o n l y c a l l ed , wo u l d l a te r b e come the Speaker of t h e Ho u s e ( a n d a s c i en c e f i ct i on author ) un der a differen t n a m e—a n a m e a s i m p l a u s i bl e and y et a s utterly fittin g a s a n y o f D i c k en s ’ m o s t c o l or ful demo ns . Give yourself a po i n t i f yo u ’ ve g u es s ed i t . I n a s chool report un e a r t h ed f r o m t h e t i m e, I r ef e r r e d t o Ge o r gia as ‘the pri s o n s t a t e,’ o wi n g t o i t s o r i g i na l char ter as a pen al c olon y. I r em em b er h a vi n g a n a vers i on t o the b en ign c olloquia l i s m ‘y’ a l l ’ wh i c h I ’ ve o n l y l a t e l y l et laps e. An d an yth in g a b o u t t h e Ci vi l Wa r h a s a l w a y s s eemed as obsc en ely em b a r r a s s i n g a s a g l i m ps e of a r elativ e’ s pubic h air. Bu t I c a n ’ t r ec a l l h a r b o r i n g a ny par ticular set of grudges a g a i n s t m y n ew h o m e, o the r t han the obvious histori c a l o n u s o f r a c i a l i n eq u i t y. A nd maybe this was en o u g h . A n y l i t t l e epi s o d e of r aci al in justic e used t o m a k e m e q u ea s y, I r em embe r. Wi th e v er y n ew in stan c e I ’ d r ea d a b o u t o r s ee o n t v , anger would flash thro u g h m e u n t i l i t wo r e i t s el f o ut i n ho peless c irc les, an d an o t h er b l a c k l eg o b r i c k wo u l d l ock i n to place in side me; sl o wl y, a d i s g u s t f o r h u m a n i t y bui l t i t self a castle in my ribc a g e. ( A l l t h e L eg o m en s t i l l w or e t ho se g oofy smiles, th o u g h .) A s an adult, I’ve lived i n a f ew N o r t h A m er i c a n c i t i e s : Seattle, New York, L os A n g el es . N o t o n e o f t h es e c i t i e s , i n m y experien c e, are a s r a c i a l l y i n t eg r a t ed a s A t l a nt a . I t ’s a city with termina l s el f - es t eem i s s u es , a c i t y t o m ov e away from; it’s al s o t h e U.S . c a pi t a l c i t y o f r eb i r th, j us t as NYC is its c apita l c i t y o f s el f - i n ven t i o n .

C O D E S F O R H O N E Y B U N - I N D U C E D D E A T H S C AU S E S OF D EATH ATTRIBU TAB LE TO HONEYB UN-INDUCED MORTALIT Y I NCLU DE I C D – 10 CO D ES D 5 2 .1, HO NEYB UN-INDUCED FOL ATE DEFICIENCY A NE M I A ; D 5 9 . 0 , HO N EY BU N -I N D U C ED H EMOLY TIC ANEMIA; D59. 2, HONEYB UN-INDU CE D N O NAU TOIM MU N E HEM O LY TIC ANEMIA; D61.1, HONEYB UN-INDUCED A P L A STI C AN E M I A; D 6 4 .2 , SECO N DARY S IDEROB L ASTIC ANEMIA DUE TO HONEYB U NS A ND TOX I N S ; E 0 6 .4 , HO N EY BU N -INDUCED THYROIDITIS ; E16. 0, HONEYB UN-I NDU CE D H YP O GLYC EMI A W I THO U T CO MA; E23.1, HONEYB UN-INDUCED HYPOPITUI TA R I SM ; E 2 4 . 2 , H ON EY BU N I N D U C ED CUS HING’ S SYNDROME; E27. 3, HONEYB UN-INDU CE D AD R E NO CO RTIC AL IN SU FFICIENCY; E66.1, HONEYB UN-INDUCED OB E SI T Y; S E LE C T E D CO D ES FRO M THE ICD–10 TITLE OF MENTAL AND B EHAV I O R A L D I S O R D E RS D U E TO PSYCHOACTIV E S UB STANCE US E, S PECIFICALLY, F11.1 –F11. 5 , F 11. 7 – F 11.9 , F12 .1 – F12 .5 , F12. 7–F12. 9, F13.1–F13. 5, F13. 7–F13. 9, F14 .1 – F 14 . 5 , F14 .7 –F14 .9 , F15 .1 – F15. 5, F15. 7–F15. 9, F16.1–F16. 5, F16. 7–F16 . 9 , F 17. 3 – F 17.5 , F17.7 –F17.9 , F18.1–F18. 5, F18. 7–F18. 9, F19.1–F19. 5, AND F19 . 7 – F 19 . 9 ; G21.1, OTHER HO N EY BUN-INDUCED S ECONDARY PAR KINS ONIS M; G 2 4 . 0 , H O NE YB U N -I N D U C ED DYSTO NIA; G25.1, HONEYB UN-INDUCED TR EMOR ; G 2 5 . 4 , H O NE YB U N -I N D U C ED CHO REA; G25. 6, HONEYB UN-INDUCED TICS AND OTH E R TI CS O F O RGA N IC O RI GIN ; G4 4 .4 , HONEYB UN-INDUCED HEADACHE, NOT ELSE W H E R E C L AS S I F IED ; G6 2 .0 , HO N EY BU N-INDUCED POLYNEUROPATHY; G72. 0, HONE Y B U NI N D U C E D MYO PATHY; I9 5 .2 , HYPOTENS ION DUE TO HONEYB UNS ; J7 0 . 2 , AC U T E HO N EY BU N -I N D U C ED INTER STITIAL LUNG DIS OR DER S ; J70. 3, CHRO NI C H O NE YB U N -I N D U C ED IN TERSTITIAL LUNG DIS OR DER S ; J70. 4, HONE Y B U NI N D U C E D I N TERSTITI AL L U N G DIS OR DER , UNS PECIFIED; K85. 3, HONE Y B U NI N D U C E D AC U TE PAN C REATITIS ; L10. 5, HONEYB UN-INDUCED PEM P HI G U S; L2 7. 0 , GE N ERAL I ZED SK IN ERUPTION DUE TO HONEYB UNS AND MEDICA M E NTS; L2 7.1, LO C AL IZED SK I N ERU PTION DUE TO HONEYB UNS AND MEDICA M E NTS; M 10 . 2 , HO N EY BU N -IN D U C ED GOUT; M32. 0, HONEYB UN-INDUCED SYSTE M I C LU P U S E RY THEM ATO SU S; M 80. 4, HONEYB UN-INDUCED OSTEOPOROS I S W I TH PAT H O LOGI C AL FRAC TU RE; M81. 4, HONEYB UN-INDUCED OSTEOPOROS IS ; M 8 3 . 5 , OT H E R H ON EY BU N -IN D U C ED OSTEOMAL ACIA IN ADULTS ; M87.1, OSTEONE CRO SI S D U E TO HO N EY BU N S; R5 0 .2 , HONEYB UN-INDUCED FEV ER ; R 78.1, FIND I NG O F O P I AT E HO N EY BU N IN BL O O D; R 78. 2, FINDING OF COCAINE IN B LOOD; R 7 8 . 3 , F I ND I N G OF HAL L U C I N O GEN IN B LOOD; R 78. 4, FINDING OF OTHER HONEYB U NS O F AD D I C T I V E POTEN TIAL I N BL O OD; R 78. 5, FINDING OF PSYCHOTROPIC HO NE Y B U N I N BLO O D; X4 0 –X4 4 , ACC ID EN TAL POIS ONING BY AND EXPOS UR E TO HONE Y B U NS, M E D I C AM EN TS AN D BIO L O GICAL S UB STANCES ; X60–X64, INTENTIONA L SE LFP O I S O NI N G (SU IC ID E) BY AND EXPOS UR E TO HONEYB UNS , MEDIC A M E NTS AN D BI O L O GI C AL SU BSTAN C E S ; X85, AS S AULT (HOMICIDE) BY HONE Y B U NS, M E D I C AM EN TS AN D BIO L O GICAL S UB STANCES ; AND Y10–Y14, POIS ONI NG BY AN D E X P OSU RE TO HO N EY BU NS , MEDICAMENTS AND B IOLOGICAL S UB STA NCE S, U N D E T E R MI N ED I N TEN T. HO NEYB UN-INDUCED CAUS ES EXCLUDE ACCI DE NTS, H O M I C I DES, AN D OTHER C AUS ES INDIR ECTLY R EL ATED TO HONEYB UN U SE , A S W E LL A S N EW BO RN D EATHS A S S OCIATED WITH THE MOTHER ’ S HONEYBU N U SE .

in the West End neighborhood of Atlanta, where as of this sits two inches of snow on the ground..

I find it hard to stomach, the leaden disappointment in people I feel these days. Not from atop, but from the wretched underworld I inhabit. Just to be clear: I place myself far beneath all others by temperament first, and only lately have made humility a lifestyle choice. It’s tempered with a mature model of the world, which infrastructure has been rubberized to mitigate against fallacies arising from simply not knowing the scope of the unknown. This is the dark matter in our interior cosmology. We correct for it by a decrease in certitude across the board , and thus a reduced tendency to consider any point as ‘decided,’ even where we’ve nested our personal areas of expertise.

able cell walls). The substantiv e health of our (how swiftly informatio n flows through our semiperme tree of life is gauged within these parameter s. people concern ing immate rial niceties These are mostly useless spats between ion over any of a variety of strategi c of form, or border skirmis hes for dominat

Yo u A r e HERE/ siarch.

jess.johnson.1970@ gmail.com

AT LK. A N TA , G A 3 0 310 J. JOHNSON P. O. BOX 2722

n nd ch our a ba . Ch rte ttl oo r o es se f w for . On yo or u th tha ly fi r sp t w gh ill hi t in ch g bl is oo d. Of

course, I haven’t thrown out my allcancelling blinders. Any given point in my life is framed by what I’ve chosen to deny.

I can’t quite believe how people just can’t wait to do battle with each other in the arena of our ‘social animal’ aspect. These conflicts occur within social groups as a systemic event endemic to the specific set of variables left us by the accidents of biology, local chemistry and our ontological footprint (how extensively we encompass time and space within the grand story of ourselves we weave) and our molecular architecture