Lists

MECHANICAL YAMMERING 2 The Sound and the Fury of Lists

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List of First Sentences to an Introduction for a Collection of Lists: 1. The list is the defining genre of the internet age.

2. Webester’s Dictionary defines “list” as “a narrow strip of wood cut from the edge of a board.”

3. The first list I ever read was written in pen on paper.

4. A list can be a simple series of names or numerals, a catalogue, a check list (✓) 5. Lists are a very practical genre of writing, in fact they’re more aptly called a form of writing.

6. List critics (lis-tics) call lists lazy, contextless, vapid bullshit for mindless consumption.

7. When in doubt, list.

8. Lists can help us achieve our dreams as well as conquer our nightmares.

9. A wise man (Jesse Jackson Sr.) once said, “To list is to love.”

10. Love them or hate, lists are here to stay.

Mechanical Yammering #2: Master List Masters List of Lists 1.

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A Suicide Letter of a Buzzfeed Writer by Ian Abramson Why Gary Busey Can’t Fall Asleep Tonight by Bianca Stelian Best Kelsey Grammer Anecdotes by Nick Martin Remixes to R. Kelly’s “Remix to Ignition” by Davis Alianiello The San Diego Chargers of the Early 1990s by Rob Stone Seven Life-Changing Tips for Amazing Business Success

by Steve Schaberg Reviews of Planned Parenthoods Across America compiled by Jessica Bourque Every Plunk Band in History by Nick Martin Best Cars for Driving WIth by Wingdings The 15 Things That Chicken Nugget Lovers are Tired of Hearing

by Buzzfeed.com Wingdings Predict 9/11 by the Internet 10 Facts About The Monkees by TV Fun Facts Keys to a Successful Relationship by WikiHow 5 Collections to Start Collecting for the Novice Collector by Evan Metz Search Engine Keywords Monitored by the NSA by the NSA 10 Facts about I Love Lucy by TV Fun Facts Really Sad Obituaries by buzzfeed.com Favorite Numbers, Ranked by Nick Martin Most Important Celebrities by buzzfeed.com Warning Signs Your House is Susceptible to Sinkholes by Sink Hole Guide Kinds of Magnets by Joseph Engelhardt Judgement Words by General Motors 7 Signs That You’re in a Cult by World Cult Watch.org Have Yourself a Potty Race by Barbie.com 7 Jokes That Shouldn’t Be Funny But Still Are by Andrew Cline Popular Snail Names by Nick Martin How Much Bands Get Paid by Uproxx 11 Moments We Can’t Wait to Watch From the Big Bang Theory Season Premiere on CBS Thursdays Primetime Lineup 9est/8cntrl

by Nick Martin 17 Best Letters of English Alphabet by Evan Metz 9 Things You Outta Know About Buffalo Wild Wings by Nick Martin 13 Things You Didn’t Know About the TMNT by Nick Martin IF YOUR MOUTH IS ON IT by John Dooley Credits List by Credi T. List

A Suicide Letter of a Buzzfeed Writer

By Ian Abramson

23 Reasons I’m Doing This This may be surprising to some of you, but I think by the end of this list you’ll see I didn’t have another choice.

1. I’m doing this because I’ve made all the lists I can think to make.

2. I’m doing this because I’ll only ever love Rebecca. And then Rebecca’s name is a clickable link to her blog.

3. Because the only smile I’ve gotten in the past week was from a miley cyrus gif. Is it giff, or jiff? I’ll say giff. Anyway, it was followed by one of Miley Cyrus smiling and winking.

4. Because I never should have started working at Buzzfeed.

5. Because I never should have started collaborating with her. Here’s a link to their first article “17 Cats Who Would Make a Better Boss Than Yours.”

6. I’m doing this because I’ve given everything I can to the world.

7. I’m doing this because I realize all I’ve given the world are these lists. Here’s a picture of me just screaming in an empty lot. There’s kids in the background playing hopscotch. It’s haunting, and beautiful, but I don’t understand what it means.

8. Because the pillow I keep at my desk still smells like her.

9. Because I’ve lost count of how many times I’ve asked people to count with me.

10. Because even though art is truth, people commenting “it’s so true” doesn’t validate me as an artist.

11. Because I only love two things, and one of them just started dating Dave.

12. And the other won’t become erect because I can’t stop thinking of Dave.

13. Because Dave got that promotion two months ago over me.

14. And he’s been hounding me about deadlines since.

15. Because Rebecca used to like that I took my time creatively. We made a gif of me at work playing spider solitaire.

16. Because now she just thinks I’m lazy too. Then a link to Rebecca’s article “19 things you can be doing other than playing spider solitaire” 17. Because Dave and Rebecca’s desks face each other.

18. Because my desk is in between theirs.

19. Because when she laughs I melt, and when he laughs, I congeal, like a .gif of ice cream melting in reverse.

20. Because there’s no way Buzzfeed will publish this swan song list/suicide note and the best I can hope for is a post on someone’s tumblr account.

21. Because Dave rejected my “27 Couples Who Got Back Together After Being Written Up For Harassment At Work” list.

22. Because the initials of Buzzfeed of BF, and that’s what I used to be to Rebecca.

23. Her Boy Friend, her Best Friend, and her Buzz Fiend.

24. But in my head I call Dave a butt fucker.

24. Because my time with Rebecca was the best two months of my life.

Why Gary Busey Can’t Fall Asleep Tonight

by Bianca Stelian He drank too much cherry Kool-Aid and has a sugar high He put his pajamas on backwards and the zipper is itching him He hasn’t gone to the bathroom in sixty-one days He’s having a staring contest with his ceiling decal of Uma Thurman He’s upset because he wasn’t allowed to sit at the grownups’ table for dinner He’s convinced that if he stays up, he’ll be able to meet Santa His white noise machine’s “Therapeutic Whale Birthing Cries” mode isn’t working He accidentally took an Adderall, thinking it was a misshapen grape He’s too worried about Y2K He’s three spaces away from winning Jumanji He wasn’t able to use his special sawdust-flavored toothpaste to brush his teeth His humidifier is filled with ecstasy He hasn’t found Waldo yet He doesn’t understand how a pineapple can survive under the sea He can’t remember the words to “MMMBop” by Hanson He’s in his neighbor’s bedroom by mistake but can’t find the doorknob He still needs to hold his nightly séance He hasn’t walked his pet umbilical cord His security guard hasn’t tucked him in yet He doesn’t know how

Best Kelsey Grammer Anecdotes

by Nick Martin Kelsey Grammer has been arrested several times for possession of cocaine.

Kelsey Grammer (Frasier Crane) was inspired to write the lyrics to the Fraiser theme song, “Tossed Salad and Scrambled Eggs,” because he loves to have his asshole licked and put egg beaters in women’s vaginas.

In 2014, Kelsey Grammer publicly forgave the man who raped and murdered his sister in 1975 behind a Red Lobster.

Remixes to R. Kelly’s “Remix to Ignition”

by Davis Alianiello It’s the remix to obstetrician pregnant lady physician giving you some advice before your baby’s emission

It’s the remix to my kitchen I’ve remodeled my kitchen Everyone will be jealous Of my remodeled kitchen

It’s the remix to Rich Nixon klepto campaign tactician after Watergate broke resigned of his own volition

It’s the remix to commission to allay your suspicion no one will ever believe it was controlled demolition

It’s the remix to mortician cryogenics technician we’ll be freezing your body death is only remission

It’s the remix to your position a period of transition we’re shaking up this department you don’t have any ambition

The San Diego Chargers of the Early 1990s

by Rob Stone San Diego Charger running backs of the early 1990’s: Natrone Means, Marion Butts, Rod Bernstine, Ronnie Harmon, and Eric Bienemy.

San Diego Charger wide receivers of the early 1990’s: Anthony Miller, Shawn Jefferson, Yancey Thigpen, Nate Lewis, and Kitrick Taylor.

San Diego Charger tight ends of the early 1990’s: Alfred Pupunu, Derrick Walker, Duane Young, Deems May, and Mike Dyal.

San Diego Charger quarterbacks of the early 1990’s: Stan Humphries, John Friesz, Trent Green, Jeff Graham, and Bob Gagliano.

Seven Life-Changing Tips for Amazing Business Success

By Steve Schaberg

The elusive dream of business success captures the imagination of aspiring and existing business employees everywhere. A vision of flowing profits, industry respect, thrilled customers, and a balanced life. This vision is only possible by developing habits that drive business success. Take the time to learn the 7 habits of business success.

1. Structure Your Day Around Success In the morning I purchase and consume $20 worth of stimulant beverages, and then in the evening I purchase and consume $20 worth of depressant beverages. Your body is a machine, and it’s important to give it cues to learn how and when to “get down to business.”

Regulation of your involuntary cycles and networks will directly and immediately benefit all aspects of your professional and social life.

2. Work To Your Strengths Each day I wake up on a filthy mattress in the middle of some kind of large, darkened sub-basement, chained to the floor, disoriented by the deafening clatter of indeterminate machinery and the regular blasts of hot steam from the vents above. Hidden loudspeakers assault me with klaxons, Eastern European voices intoning angrily, Orwellian to the point of parody, and rough demos from somebody’s industrial project. Faceless shrouded figures move about in the distance.

3. Develop A System of Rewards For Goal-Oriented Behavior Mounds of paperwork covered with indecipherable ranting regarding the demands of some supposed “clients” accumulate on all available floor space. Finding an innovative, scalable solution to a client’s problem will earn me a flavor pellet and a small plastic capsule containing a key with a one in five hundred thousand chance of unlocking one of my leg shackles. Needless to say, with these incentives in place, pleasing the customer is always at the forefront of my mind.

4. Adaptability Is Key At random intervals throughout the workday, I am beaten mercilessly by my faceless, inhuman tormentors, who have once again managed to surround me

without my notice, absorbed such as I am in my work. The manner of implement they use to pummel my back and thighs is always a complete surprise to me: usually innocuous household objects – plungers, toothbrushes, rolled up newspapers, plastic silverware, wicker baskets, light-up yo-yos, sacks of rotting onions. The ability to be beaten with a wide variety of unexpected tools and devices is essential in today’s competitive business market.

5. Don’t Forget To Take Time For Yourself On Friday afternoons I am presented with the illusion of escape from my captivity. A cool breeze from a previously unseen floor vent with a loose grate promises underground salvation, or the fumes and chaos of a staged chemical spill allow me to slip away – what I believe to be – unnoticed. Trembling with excitement and terror at the prospect of my freedom, it soon becomes apparent that I have been dosed against my will with a Herculean portion of PCP, yet again, and my life becomes confusing and obscure for the next 28-32 hours. At the point that my consciousness lurches back into focus, I am seated at the bar of a crowded neighborhood tavern, mid-beer, which is of course actually a set piece within my subterranean prison, constructed by my captors, populated with actors. Monday morning and my return to the filthy mattressand steam burst- and paperwork-filled room is as depressing as it is inevitable.

6. Lunch Is The Most Important Meal Of The Business Day Subway’s good.

7. Escape Is Impossible The sooner you accept your fate, the sooner you can learn to find contentment inside its excruciating confines. Determine the rules and outlines of your torment in order to navigate efficiently within them, but understand that these rules may never be challenged. Escape is impossible.

Learning and instilling new habits in your daily business life can have a dramatic effect on your level of success. Review each of the 7 habits. Choose one habit to focus on for a month or until you achieve mastery. Gradually incorporate each of the 7 habits of business success into your life and attain your business dreams.

User Reviews of Planned Parenthoods Across America Compiled by Jessica Bourque

Aurora, Illinois A Google User - 5 stars “I had one planned for 9 AM on a Monday morning, I was out in time for breakfast at McDonalds!”

Forth Worth, Texas Mindy W. - 1 star “This is by far the worst planned parenthood I have ever been to. There is an old black lady there and she is extremely rude and obviously does not like white women. I know its so tabu to talk about the race thing but I just had to go there because I never felt so mistreated for no reason. I had noticed that everyone was getting seen and treated so well and there was absolutely no reason for her to be rude to me. I was the only white person there. I had moved from Dallas and they were unable to transfer my chart even though I had told them this prior when I scheduled my appointment over a month before hand. Wish there was another one closer to my house…”

Columbus, Ohio Reg Williams - 3 stars “Here wit my daughter wife decided to sleep like I know WTF I’m doing” NoHo, New York Glenda P. - 1 star “Please help me out with this people. You come to this place to have abortion, now please explain to me why in the F*****g world would you do a sonogram then make the patient listen to the heart beat,and print out a picture. The PERSON IS HAVING AN ABORTION how sick are the people in this place. Everyone in this place needs LOTS of training. Expecially the so call counselors.

It’s your jobs to counsel the patient??? Not only is the person all ready feels horrible for doing this but now you have a picture of this horrible experience.

This is for the IDIOT TECH If a woman is there for an ABORTION turn the sound off and don’t give them pictures. It only common sense.”

Aurora, Illinois Don Fabbri - 1 star “Animals work here. Planned Parenthood? the place should be called slaughter house call it what it is.”

Oklahoma City, Oklahoma.

Meagan Hughes - 1 star “I walked out because it was dirty. They didn’t even change the paper on the table from the previous patient. There were imprints of that patient’s butt on it. I had to change it myself. Then I had to ask the clinician to change her gloves.

She tried to use the same gloves on me that she walked in my room with. That was my que to leave. GROSS!” South Oklahoma City, Oklahoma A Google User - 5 stars “This helps people survive. If you hate Planned Parenthood, maybe you should open up your pocketbook to the poor and start teaching your kids sex ed. Otherwise, go abort yourself.”

Center, Arizona Jacob Barr - 1 star “creepy.”

Boise, Idaho A Google User - 2 stars They have made this whole situation much harder than it has to be. One of their employees neglected to correctly perform her job (i.e. simply setting up my appointment, which is pretty basic). How can I plan parenthood when they make basic mistakes that could potentially ruin my plan?”

Mountain View, California A Google user - 1 star “They are so bad here, that it’s almost like a skit on Mad Tv or something or a hidden camera show. They pretend they are there for people and have the facade of a caring nonprofit, but really they are just another conglomerate in the sea of corrupt companies. I rushed outta there like a bat outta hell with some idiot employee yelling that I need to wait and sign something. Screw that and screw you people!”

Every Plunk Band in History

by Nick Martin Dear Mom and Dad, I hate you more than anybody. Mostly because you never supported any of my many plunk bands. From the start, you didn’t support...

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Feed Us the Fetuses Fist Full of Buckshot Guantanamo Baywatch Gay-dolph Shit-ler Sudden Infant Death Syndrome Pride Parade Hand Grenades Orca Wails Appalachian Terror Unit Explicit Piss Mistress Clit Eastwood Pussy Quips Barbra’s Bush Childhood Adultery Pubic Hair Teddy Bear Ronald Reagan’s Gouch Leftover Crack AIDS Blood in a Can Cop Killer’s Delight Bleeding Femur Dandruff Taco Stand Napalm Lip Balm Angry Coldsore Queens Nixon-Flavored Smegma Craggily Asshole Full of Pus Diaper Drapes Happily Satisfied Drone Pilot Congolese Coltan Collectors Suck My Scabs Harpoon Sodomy Shithammer Dad Cock

Best Cars for Driving With

by Wingdings

Why do you think I was in so many bands, Mom & Dad? Because I wanted to be in a band that pleased you. You never supported me! And for that, I demand you pay my tuition to graphic design academy.

The 15 Things That Chicken Nugget Lovers Are Tired Of Hearing

by Buzzfeed.com 1. “You know there’s no nutritional value in those right?”

2. “What part of the chicken do chicken nuggets come from?”

3. “Have you ever seen Supersize Me?” 4. “I haven’t had fast food in I can’t even remember how long.”

5. “I don’t understand why anyone would order 20chicken nuggets.”

6. “Can I just have one?

7. “Do you know how they make those?”

8. “How can they even make those so cheap?”

9. “You should try chicken nuggets with ____ sauce next time.”

10. “I always feel so disgusting after I eat chicken nuggets.”

11. “There’s nothing in chicken nuggets that provides sustainable energy.”

12. “They’re just SO bad for you.”

13. “How many chicken nuggets do you think you could eat in one sitting?

14. “I could never eat that many chicken nuggets.”

15. “I think eating chicken nuggets is fine…. every now and then”

10 Facts About The Monkees

by TV Fun Facts The band is not real. It was fabricated by NBC to cash in on the success of the Beatles’ films A Hard Days Night and Help! The band couldn’t even play their instruments.

The show won 2 Emmys for best comedy.

The Monkees albums became huge hits. Their first two records were #1 for a total of over thirty weeks. The band only had a 25% royalty on the albums, as opposed to their producer’s 15%.

The Monkees “played” a concert tour with Jimi Hendrix briefly working as their opening act. However, since none of the audience members were interested in Hendrix, he quit the tour.

The Monkees received 200,000 letters from fans each month. John Lennon especially loved the show. He compared the Monkees to the Marx Brothers.

Davy Jones had trained to be a jockey, but he was slightly too heavy. He moved from England to the U.S. in hopes of becoming an actor. He was drafted during the Vietnam War, but did not have to go because he financially supported his father.

Mike Nesmith took up guitar as a means of physical therapy for his hand, which had been injured in a firecracker accident. His mother invented Liquid Paper, and he inherited twenty-five million dollars from her. Nesmith was one of the creators of MTV. Peter Tork was recommended to the show’s producers by his friend Stephen Stills (a member of Buffalo Springfield and Crosby, Stills, and Nash). Stills had auditioned to be in the group.

Mickey Dolenz studied architecture in case he didn’t make it in show business. The only member of the group who starred in a TV show. as a child, he played an orphan in Circus Boy.

Keys to a Successful Relationship

by Wikihow - Take some time to cuddle.

- Remember to say goodnight to each other.

- Try to ask your partner how their day was.

5 Collections to Start Collecting for the Novice Collector

by Evan Metz 1) Used Kleenex 2) Fingernail Clippings 3) Dead Cockroaches 4) Jars of Urine 5) Stamps

Search Engine Keywords Monitored by the NSA

by The NSA This is an official list of search keywords from the Snowden leaks. Searching any these words causes your IP address to be monitored by the NSA. Of course, not searching these words does not mean that you are not monitored by the NSA. Spy Stuff

Espionage, Secret Service, top secret, Propaganda, assasinate, plutonium, president, freedom, Satellite phones, Planet-1, cryptanalysis, nuclear, Defcon, Military, White House, Undercover, Active X, Counter Terrorism Security, Rapid Reaction, Corporate Security, Police, sniper, lock picking, Submarine, Locks, clone, Counterterrorism, spies, Global, Pseudonyms, Investigation, Secure, Flashbangs, eavesdropping, interception, Colonel, M-14, Keyhole, stakeout, Mole, Embassy, Fax encryption, codes, Delta Force, secure shell, Black-Ops, unclassified, rail gun, Satellite imagery

Terrorist Stuff

anarchy, rogue, mailbomb, cocaine, rebels, fraud, jihad, Uzi, Flame, Infowar, domestic disruption, smuggle, Military Intelligence, Event Security, Mace, plutonium, spook keywords, industrial espionage, industrial intelligence, government, hate, counterintelligence, subversives, finks, spook words, Nuclear, nitrate, ninja, World Domination, fissionable

Hacker Stuff

Hackers, Terrorism Defensive Information, Defense Information Warfare, Offensive Information, Offensive Information Warfare, National Information Infrastructure, virus, Meta-hackers, Information Security, Information Warfare, Information Terrorism, Computer Terrorism, Firewalls, Secure Internet Connections, Passwords, Macintosh Security, Macintosh Internet Security, Macintosh Firewalls, Unix Security, crypto-anarchy, Blacknet, supercomputer, cybercash, data-haven, Internet Underground, Security Consulting, High Security, Security Evaluation, Electronic Surveillance, Cypherpunks, Coderpunks, wire transfer, e-cash, 2600 Magazine, data havens, systems, passwd, debugging, rhost, rhosts, Phon-e, l0ck, Digicash, zip, virtual, eternity server

Banal

the, Pixar, Zen, screws, Weekly World News, Nike, niche, sardine, bank, Reflection, Spoke, Talent, Covert Video, package, froglegs, Salsa, gorilla, garbage, market, beef, utopia, orthodox, Sardine, Halibut,, Flu, Loin, Tools, Artichoke, Badger, Cornflower, Daisy, sneakers, Dictionary, Sears Tower, Aladdin, Texas, basement, black-bag, credit card, Trump, Becker, Nerd, fangs, Austin, Indigo, zone, Lexis-Nexis, Fax, veggie, executive, toad, fish, package, chosen, press-release, Kiwi, Platform, Compsec 97, Mavricks, Telex,, Freeh, Whitewater, York, Atlas, Delta, Lynch, Face, Archives, Lacrosse, Exon Shell, Echelon, Kh-11, grom, 15kg, Pretoria, enigma, Bletchley Park, Clandestine, Time, Cable & Wireless, Harvard, Asset, force, quiche, Panama, advise, advisors

Bizarre

Bubba the Love Sponge, chameleon man, Tie-fighter, sigvoice, penrep, racal, Blowpipe, Kilo Class, squib, primacord, Comirex, Speakeasy, humint, Dead, Wackenhutt, Wackendude, Rand Corporation, Merlin, white noise, pink noise, Chicago Posse, Cowboy, siliconpimp, Sugar Grove, Gist, Gatt, Leitrim, Yakima, Geraldton, Morwenstow, Consul, Oratory, Pine Gap, Menwith, Mantis, Flintlock, Mayfly, speedbump, Sundevil, Shayet-13, Spetznaz, Recce, Halcon, Duress, Verisign, Lebed, Masuda, Forte, nkvd, argus, afsatcom, Skytel, Yukon, Templeton, bet Cohiba, Soros, Standford, Red Cell, Glock 26, Mossberg, 50BMG, VIP Protection, Amherst, Broadside, Capricorn, Gamma, Guppy, Gorizont, Ionosphere, Kilderkin, Egret, Iris, Hollyhock, Jasmine, Juile, Vinnell, Sphinx, Intiso, r00t, Beyond Hope, cCompetitor, Chan, Alouette, Cap-Stun, Oscor, Rolm, sweep, Medco, sweeping, Audiotel, remailers, replay, Anonymous, chaining, unix, Juiliett Class loch, Ingram Mac-10, Minox, mol, Hillal, botux, Virii, Blacklisted Yobie, Blowfish, Gorelick, Glock, Ft. Meade, Ortega, Middleman, Blackbird, Fort Meade, bullion, Blackmednet, Dolch, Goodwin, Stego,, Gray Data, mega, b9, nuffle, Patel, Ronco, Armani, Chobetsu, HoHoCon, Spyderco, Hutsul, Peering, DynCorp

Symbols

&, ^, ^?, $, ~, ., , ,

Letters a, b, c, d

Numbers

1*, 3, 7,17, 20, 312, 414, 51, 1071, 8182, 1911, 3848, 888, 1984, 1997, 747, 777, 767, 737, 757, 868, 707, 411

Porn Porno, Retinal Fetish, Fetish, 69, Pornstars, AVN, Playboy, Sex, explicit, redheads

Names

Jack, Alicia, Bess, Bob, William Gates, Elvis, Scully, Bubba, Steve Case, Chelsea, Stephanie

Conspiracy stuff

illuminati, Roswell, Area51, Psyops

Acronyms

ABC, FBI, USDOJ, NSA, CIA, S/Key, SSL, FBI, ISS, INFOSEC, IW, IS, NCCS,, PGP, PEM, RSA, Perl-RSA, MSNBC, AOL, AOL TOS, CIS, CBOT, AIMSX, STARLAN, 3B2, BITNET, COSMOS, DATTA, E911, FCIC, HTCIA, IACIS, UT/RUS, JANET, JICC, ReMOB, LEETAC, UTU, VNET, BRLO, BZ, CANSLO, CBNRC, CIDA, JAVA, CDC, DOE, FMS, HPCC, NTIS, SEL, USCODE, CISE, SIRC, CIM, ISN, DJC, SGC, UNCPCJ, CFC, DREO, CDA, DRA, SHAPE, SACLANT, BECCA, DCJFTF, HALO, HAHO, FKS, GCHQ, DITSA, SORT, AMEMB, NSG, HIC, EDI, SAS, SBS, UDT, GOE, DOE, GEO, PBX, SLI, NTT, MSCJ, MIT, SBIRS, SGDN, ADIU, DEADBEEF, IDP, IDF, FX, FXR, IMF, POCSAG, FBIS, BND, SISDE, FSB, BfV, IB, ISI, INR, INS, IRS, GRU, RUOP, GSS, NSP, SRI, PGP 2.6.2., PGP 5.0i, PGP 5.1, ESN, COS, E.T, ssa, E.O.D., SEMTEX, MD2, MD4, MDA, MYK, PGP 5.53, EG&G, AIEWS, AMW, WORM, MP5K-SD, UXO, Ti, THAAD, SONANGOL, EUB, USP, PCS, NRO, D-11, SERT, VIP, ARC, S.E.T. Team, MP5k, DREC, DEVGRP, DF, DSD, FDM, GRU, LRTS, SIGDEV, NACSI, PSAC, PTT, RFI, SIGDASYS, TDM. SUKLO, SUSLO, TELINT, TEXTA. ELF, LF, MF, VHF, UHF, SHF, SASP, WANK, HRT, DIA, USCOI, CID, BOP, FINCEN, FLETC, NIJ, ACC, AFSPC, BMDO, NAVWAN, NRL, RL, NAVWCWPNS, NSWC, USAFA, AHPCRC, ARPA, LABLINK, USACIL, USCG, NRC, CQB, CONUS, CTU, RCMP, GRU, SASR, GSG-9, 22nd SAS, GEOS, EADA, BBE, STEP, LLC, DERA, PRIME, SURVIAC, UOP, SSCI, NIMA, MOIS, SVR, SIN, CESID, NB, CBM, CTP, JITEM, SADF, SISMI, FIS, MSW, SWAT, H&K, USP, UKUSA, DSD, BVD, BOSS, TUSA, SAP, OAU, PFS, BATF, SGDN, IRIDF, WINGS, CCC, COCOT, OTP, OSS, CTP, CATO, ASIS, ISA, EOD, ISACA, NCSA, CRA, M.P.R.I., 1080H, SWS, GEODSS, SORO, M5, ANC, ID, MD5, IDEA, MI6, MI5, USSS, ASLET, TSCM, ICE, NRO, PLA, TDYC, W3, CUD, CdC, AT&T, SGI, SUN, MCI, AT, GIGN, NSCT, SCIF, FLiR, CIO, NOCS, GPMG, SDI, SEAL, XS4ALL, EO, DSS, S.A.I.C., PI, TSCI, GRU, M72750, CQB, NVD, CCS, GSA, RAID, MSEE, NATIA, NATOA, PPP, NTT, SL-1, TIE, RIT, RSP, TELINT, PPS, ASIS, MI-17, MOD, ETA, MITM, H.N.P., TRD, TDR, B.D.M., CSE, SLIP, SETA, SAR, SABC,TEMPSET, GGL, CTU, NORAD, DES, SADMS, KLM, SHA, ASIO, RX-7,FLAME, VLSI, TWA, LUK, SBI, EO, SIG, TRW, cdi

10 Facts About I Love Lucy

by TV Fun Facts Lucille Ball dropped out of high school when she was fifteen so she could become an actress.

Desi Arnaz was the son of a Cuban senator and a beautiful model. He was born to great wealth, but he was forced to leave his homeland at the age of 16 during the Batista revolution.

The network initially rejected Lucille Ball’s request for her real husband to play her TV husband. “Who would believe it?” She threatened to move to another network, so CBS finally relented.

The only reason that Lucille Ball created the show was to mend her faltering marriage to Desi Arnaz by spending more time with him.

Lucy became pregnant on the show because she was pregnant in real life.

The network insisted the word, “expecting,” be used on air instead of, “pregnant.”

Vivian Vance (Ethel Mertz) hated her character being married to someone so much older.

William Frawley (Fred Mertz) had such a bad reputation for heavy drinking that he had to sign a contract saying he would never show up to the set drunk.

Dwight D. Eisenhower made the mistake of televising his inauguration during the same time slot as “I Love Lucy.” Almost twice as many viewers tuned in to watch Lucy than the president.

During the life of the sitcom, the only other show with higher ratings was “The $64,000 Question” After “I Love Lucy” came to an end, Desi Arnaz produced the show “The Untouchables.” Mobsters responded by putting out a contract on his life.

Really Sad Obituaries by buzzfeed.com - Sonny Bono died.

- Falco died.

- Florence “Flo-Jo” Griffith-Joyner died.

- Frank Sinatra died.

- Akira Kurosawa died.

- Linda McCartney died.

Favorite Numbers, Ranked

by Nick Martin 10. 789 9. 1,000,000 8. 80085 7. 23 6. 1984 5. 10 4. 42 3. 420 2. 666 1. 69!

Most Important Celebrities by buzzfeed Ja Rule Ashanti Ryan Cabrera Ashlee Simpson Jesse McCartney Verne Troyer Wilmer Valderrama Chad Michael Murray Kevin Federline Mischa Barton The “Dell” Dude Tom Green Nick Lachey Steven “Beans” Anthony Lawrence Carson Daly Moby Terri Schiavo William Hung

Warning Signs That Your House is Susceptible to Sinkholes

by Sinkhole Guide.com 1. Cracks begin to form in a stairway or foundation 2. A circular area of the ground begins to crack, showing where the sinkhole is 3. The well water becomes cloudy from sediment 4. Windows and doors no longer close 5. You find cracks in the outside wall of your house 6. There are cracks in the inside of the house along the joints, doors, and windows 7. The driveway and sidewalks began to get large cracks 8. Your floor begins to slope in an uneven fashion 9. There are depressions in the ground in your yard or your neighbor’s yard 10. Water begins to collect in small amounts in small ponds 11. Fence posts and trees that begin to slump and sink 12. The vegetation of your yard begins to wilt 13. High water bills 14. Plumbing problems

Kinds of Magnets

by Joseph Engelhardt Kinds of magnets: -refrigerator magnets -big magnets -little magnets -”Jesus” fish magnets -”Darwin” legged fish magnets -bottle cap magnets -”Creationism eating evolution” natural selection magnets -lodestone magnets -homemade temporary magnets -professionally-made permanent magnets

-chick magnets -horseshoe magnets -compass needles -those tiny office toy magnets that got banned and recalled because too many kids swallowed them and injured themselves -electromagnets -rare earth magnets -killer magnets -deadly magnets -the sun

7 Signs That You’re In A Cult

by World Cult Watch.org

Have Yourself a Potty Race by barbie.com

1. Opposing critical thinking.

2. Isolating members and penalizing them for leaving.

3. Emphasizing special doctrines outside scripture.

4. Seeking inappropriate loyalty to their leaders.

5. Dishonoring the family unit.

6. Crossing Biblical boundaries of behavior (versus sexual purity and personal ownership).

7. Separation from the Church.

Who can go potty fastest? Find out!

1. Open the little gates 2. Move the little toys out of your way 3. Collect the toilet paper to earn a “perfect potty” trophy 4. Keep the white dog quiet or you will get off the track

7 Jokes That Shouldn’t Be Funny... But Still Are:

by Andrew Cline 1. When a customer pays with a $100 bill and you have to check the watermark and they say, “It’s real, I just made it this morning!”

2. When you’re listening to The Who and your dad says “Who are you listening to?” and you say “The Who” and he says “The who???”

3. When a CD skips and all the white people say “This must be the r-rr-remix!!!”

4. When a high school soccer player kicks the ball between the football field goals and everyone in the crowd does the referee motion for a field goal.

5. When any piece of sporting equipment flies into the crowd and, in my Bob Costas voice, I shout “That’s a souvenir for one lucky fan!!!” at my Dad. 6. When you see a lady walking by an automatic door and you run up and say “Let me get that for you,” and then you just stand there giggling (because it’s an automatic door (they open by themselves)).

7. The banality of existence.

Most Popular Snail Names

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Speedy Squishy Gary Trent Slowpoke Cargo Shelly Jabba (the Snail) Sloppy Slizzy Salty Slimy Sleazy Elvis Smushy Scurvey AIDSface Jonathan Taylor Thomas Jethro Bingo Bongo Mushy Barney Terry Assdick Stevie Gushy Lardo

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Hardy Swirly Blooper Stephon Piss Sticky Gooey Goopy Hoppy Lee Harvey Osnail Christian “Snail” MailSnail Epic Snail Snailbait Moby Squick Slipper Osnaila Bin Ladin Gimpy Gumper Booger Bas Jim Dick Cheney

11 Moments We Can’t Wait to Watch From the Big Bang Theory Season Premiere on CBS Thursdays Primetime Lineup 9est/8cntrl

by Nick Martin 1. The guys finally tell the girls, “The reason we always make bad pun innuendos is because we really want to have sex with you, but don’t know how to express this sentiment in our repressed, postfeminist culture of today.”

2. Raj apologizes for being an minstrelesque Indian caricature, but this is still not good enough.

3. Howard decides to do something truly Jewish: act gracious and humble in the eyes of God. 4. Leonard leaves the show forever because he’s never been funny, not once, not ever.

5. Sheldon uses his epic autistic intellect to harness the God particle and destroy all of humanity.

6. The guys argue about some stupid pop-culture bullshit and all the idiot nerds that watch the show say, “Hahah! I know what that reference is in reference to!”

7. That nerdy girl Howard likes gets a partial birth abortion and it’s super sad.

8. People who actually have autism see Sheldon and feel bad, then they feel the fabric of their shirt, then they feel the corseness of their legs, then they feel the fur of a cat and feel batter.

9. Penny stops hanging out with all these fucking losers because you know what, they’re total assholes they really are, and she’s John Ritter’s daughter and doesn’t need to take this shit anymore.

10. Chuck Lorre splices in a half-man to spice things up.

11. People who think this show is funny all simultaneously realize this show isn’t funny, then they read a book.

17 Best Letters of the English Alphabet

by Evan Metz J Y S E Q X T A D

P L R N M F C K

9 Things You Oughta Know About Buffalo Wild Wings

by Nick Martin 1. All of their food is made from horse--not Buffalo!

2. The reason their employees are so happy is because they contractually must be happy all of the time, lest they break contract resulting in costly legal action.

3. If you win enough BWW Trivia Contests, the management will throw you out like a filthy a card-counter in Las Vegas.

4. Men who go to watch sports at BWW are incredibly sad.

5. Buffalo Wild Wings wanted to be called Best Buffalo Wings, but immediately changed their name after realizing their acronym would be BBW (the BWW CEO hates big, beautiful woman and has actually told press, “Women shouldn’t eat at my restaurants because we use too many calories in our food, and women don’t need any more calories--am I right fellas!”)

6. Teenagers love BWW because they have a Pro-Bathroom Handjob policy.

7. All of BWW food is freshly frozen and microwaved to hot perfection. This is why they have to charge high prices--to afford high-tech microwave radiation.

8. The special ingredients in BWW sauce? Dog blood.

9. People who eat at Buffalo Wild Wings have no taste. Literally, they cannot taste correctly.

13 Things You Didn’t Know About The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles

by Nick Martin 1. The turtles are all Orthodox Jews 2. Notorious turtle nemesis, Shredder, is cisgender.

3. Donatello got a DUI in high school.

4. Michaelangelo likes to scream “RUFF RIDERS!” when he cums 5. Van Gough cut off his own ear and mailed it to a protiturtle.

6. Leonardo worships our true dark lord, Prince Satan 7. Raphielle is actually named Ralph but he’s really fucking pretentious 8. The Rat Ninja Guy uses a Lite-Brite to improve his vision.

9. April, the human girl, has an extra elbow 10. That warthog dude is actually really nice tho 11. The turtles learned to drive their shell car at the DMV 12. All five of the turtles watch a lot of TruTV 13. The reason the turtles like pizza is because it’s all they can afford. They’re very poor and are suffering with food insecurity every day.

IF YOUR MOUTH IS ON IT

by John Dooley The past is history The past is running water The past is a fallen boom or main The past is killers on horseback The past is your mother’s lily of the valley The past is ten dollar pot and strawberry papers The past is a stranger in your bathroom The past is a list forgotten or anything forgotten The past is a century of gentle pets The past is rolling thunder A crow walking up the street A blue spot on your face The entrance to a school The past is a hound at your heels The past is and always should be A lure cast to still waters The motion of slippery trolley The past is something new The past is hippies in the granary The past is urban, suburban and primitive The past is wet paper Used foil An invention of the priests The past is someone’s lost and lovely item The past never comes without cost The past is an open orange The past is the simplest meaning in anything white A vacation photograph The past is indecision in different languages The past is never over no matter how old it becomes The past is necessary to engage the soul upon the birth of the new sun

CREDITS Nick Martin sucks, but he edited this zine and others. He’s a satirist and customer service representative from Chicago. Online @ihatenickmartin Nathan Brewer arranged the text and illustrations on purpose. He lives in Chicago’s most quickly gentrifying neighborhood and is part of the problem.

Ian Abramson was named “Chicago’s Best Experimental Comedian,” by Chicago Magazine. Follow him on twiiter @iantherage Andrew Cline is a DIY emo comic from the Quad Cities. He is nice... and cool! online: @sadclone Steve Schaberg lives in Champaign, IL and makes comics and zines (brokenpants.com) and makes jokes online @extranapkins Jessica Bourque is a journalist. She values Planned Parenthood but not online reviews.

Evan Metz lives everyday by a simple motto, his father’s dying words: “poo in the bathroom, eat in the kitchen.” You can check out his art at grandkidsmusic.com Bianca Stelian is a student who thinks she’s hilarious. You can find out more (and prove her wrong) by reaching her at bstelian@comcast.net.

Davis Alianiello is a wandering temp that writes from Providence. You can find Davis, here www.twitter.com/dorkspelunk Joseph Engelhardt is a student and alternative comics creator who studies journalism and other forms of writing at a college. You can find more of their work somewhere in Nothern Chicagoland.

Rob Stone aka Sportsguyrob and I’m a certified talent scout through Sports Management Worldwide John Dooley is a Portland, Oregon writer. His lists are numbered, bullet pointed, witnessed, stamped and signed by a notary public. Search Hydropods for more info.

CREDITS Cont.

TV Fun Facts is a book. It is long out of print. The Kremlin is a premier Russian government agency. It may or may not exist amore.

Cultwatch.org is an organization for watching cults.

Sink Hole Guide.com is an online guide for sink hole information.

General Motors is an American car manufacturer that has killed thousands of people in recent decades.

The NSA protects our country from threats both foreign and domestic by accessing all of your electronic communications, including nude photos.

Buzzfeed invented lists as well as click analytics.

Uproxx is a website that totally rox. Vote up on their content, cause it rox.

Barbie.com is the official website for Mattel’s Barbie doll merchandise. The site is renowned throughout the professional video gamer community for its great games.

WikiHow is a crowd-sourced how-to site. Anyone can write a how-to.

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Some might argue text in this zine is “stolen,” but we prefer to say its “parody” protected by the first amendment! Also: its Fair Use/Creative Commons (we think). If you wanna sue us, just remember--our dad is a lawyer, you idiot. So suck off, jag-bag! Smoke meth! Hail Satan!

Use lists to learn how to fix your pathetic life by...

- Writing a suicide list - Curing Insomnia - Kelsey Grammar’s Revenge - Remixing Ignition - San Diego Charging - Amazing to Business Success - Finding the Perfect Abortion - Starting a Plunk Band - Driving a Car - Chicken Nugget Lifestyles - Predicting 9/11 - Beating the Beatles - Marrying with Children - Desperate Collecting - Safely Surfing the Net - Loving Lucy - Mourning Death - Counting Numbers - Start Seeing Celebrities - Preventing Sinkholes - Identifying Magnets - Surviving Car Crashes - Leaving Your Cult - Having Yourself a Potty Race - Understanding Humor - Naming Snail - Getting Paid for Playing Music - Watching the Big Bang Theory on CBS - Learning the Alphabet - Eating Wild Buffalo Wings - Mutating Teenage Turtles - Putting Your Mouth on It

AND LESS!