unadulterated shark repellent by Mechanical Yammering

unadulterated shark repellent

Editor’s Note Nick Martin adam gorcowski Theme Song Tom Cruise Nick Martin shopping mall phil sudderberg Nick Martin pizza slizz Sheep situations Mike Knish obama’s 420 Kumars Salehi children’s friend COMICS CLASSIFIEDS Bizniz smalls shapeshifters Zak Kulhan science personality quiz nothing at all no one at all reviews Nick Martin children’s friend zosh oxygen therapy phil sudderberg baby comics evan metz horiscopes greg clow jake loid is... preston davis Final Thought eskimos credits

E L B TA OF S T N E T N O C

2 3 4-5 6-7 8-9 10-11 12-13 14-15 16-17 18-19 20-21 22-23 24-25 26 27 28 29 30 31 32

n idde h e th this Find n i k win shar e and al zin peci maga s y r a ve E! TRIZ

Hurry Gerald! Climb up and join me! Through the portal I have opened, we will journey to other planes of existence. Mother and Father could never imagine what we shall accomplish!

EDITOR’S NOTE Shark repellant is a financial term defined as, “A number of measures taken by a company to fend off an unwanted or hostile takeover attempt; companies may make amendments to its charter or bylaws that become active only when a takeover is presented to shareholders with hopes of making the takeover less profitable to the acquisitive firm.” In laymen’s terms, when you find out someone is going to take your stuff—ruin it beyond repair! If you can’t have it, nobody can! This is how good businessmen conduct good business. I learned all about the smart choices of businessmen from a Chinese millionaire who paid me to do his homework. For a mere $750, I wrote all the memos and powerpoint presentations necessary to pass Introduction to Business and Technical Writing. One paper I’ll never forget proved (in 9-11 pages, with at least 4 APA citations) the economic applications of “game theory optimization.” My millionaire employer defined this as, “Doing anything in your power to make as much money as possible.” Examples: ruining a lake with poison, intentionally infecting black men with syphillis, paying a native English speaker to write your MBA application, stealing burlap sacks with money signs on them, tricking old people to put you in their will, or knowingly destroying your own company so nobody else can use it. Even a baby can see, these options make good, clean, family-friendly sense. If you want to make money, you need to be selfish. And if you want to eat shellfish, you need to make money. In theory, life is but a game—and all of us, mere players. Players gonna play, as it is action that defines identity. Especially so for players. Thus, if you lose, you’re a loser. So use it, don’t lose it, or you’ll wonder what it was all for in the first place. That is, until you come in first place—or at least piss on the face of first place while he’s sleeping! Obviously, businessmen are like sharks. They both wear grey, eat chum, and orient themselves with a complex radar system rooted in smell. So, protect yourself ! Use this magazine to ruin your own company. No utility belt is complete without shark repellent, just ask Batman, Robin Williams, or Blackwater Mercenaries. Since this is Unadulterated Sha...etc. There are no additives, preservatives, or prerogatives in my magazine (however, there are plenty of pejoratives). These pages will rot at a natural rate of decay, smelling sickly sweet like a teenage prostitute. Plus, all of my articles are organically, free-traded, entirely GMO/HMO free. When you read this magazine, you’re conscience will feel good because your hard earned dollars support only the finest in self-published satire. In conclusion, sharks love blood. The smell, the taste, the color: sharks can’t get enough of the stuff. That’s why I included a splotch of my own blood for you, reader. Hopefully you can give it to a shark in exchange for your kidnapped infant spawn. Guilelessly, Nicholas Boy-George Martin LXIX

THEME SONG!

USR MARCH FOR EVERYONE

TOM CRUISE SHOPS FOR PEANUT BUTTER! The man who played Maverick in Top Gun stood eye level with the peanut butter shelf. Waves of anxiety pulsed from his teeth to his toes. “Why are there so many? Five brands, four sizes, up to four styles (depending on That’s a lot butter!’”

but it’s terrible for toast, bagels or anything you have to heat up. It feels so sticky and

The star accidentally dropped a jar to the ground. “I’ll just buy both!” he said aloud. “Then I wouldn’t have to buy any next week.! If I buy two jars...wait, I’m a fucking superstar for christsake! I should buy as many jars as i fucking want to buy! I should make the fucking stockboy go in back and wheel me out a box on one of those wheelbarrow things. I’m a millionaire now!” The small man started breathing heavy. “Where are you going to put them in your little ‘penthouse’ though? Not in the fucking cabinets, they’re already to full enough! Three bedrooms for a million dollars, you stupid idiot, why do you want people to take advantage of you? It was your first time buying and you said so like an idiot. That realtor knew she could screw you over, you fool. Why am I even at the grocery store anyway? I shouldn’t eat in, even if someone else cooks it [don’t forget to call home and remind Paola about the massage oils.] I should eat at the city’s nicest restaurants--every night!” A young woman wearing sweatpants interupted our generation’s brightest star with a tap on the shoulder, “Excuse me, are you Tom Cruise?” The man turns, making all the right moves, cringing his cheakbones into a sharp smile, “Actually...yes, I am” he said. The woman’s baby laughed in the cart’s basket. “Oh my God! I can’t believe I’m seeing you here!” said the woman, with unmistakable condescending emphasis. “You’re in this summer’s biggest blockbusters!” “What? No...” What does this woman want from me? “I’m just...peanut butter!” the man stammered. The baby laughed again, fucking asshole. “I just love your movies! Or at least the ones I’ve seen [why hasn’t she seen all of them?] You’re so handsome! And charming! Exactly like you are on screen! [Does that mean: Phony? Artificial? Insincere?] Gosh! No one is even going to believe this happened! [Who did she want to tell?] You’re like the hottest guy in Hollywood! [Like? Who compares? Who do I beat? Who beats me?] This is the craziest thing that’s ever happened to me!” The left side of the man’s tiny body started to tingle. “You’re so quiet! What’s wrong? Oh I wouldn’t understand. I know you celebrities have such complicated problems. I’ve read magazines...but I don’t believe what they say Tom. I know it’s all trash.” Liar! the man screamed, or just thought, as he turned around and left the jars to fall on the floor. The women said something else, but he couldn’t hear her. He left the store without buying anything and went home to sit quietly for the rest of the day.

Shopping at my Favorite Mall We have yet to construct an apparatus that is strong enough to overpower a grown man in full sprint towards a Macy’s Day Parade Sale. Bonkers, right? With next week’s grand opening, this is a big problem. The running man read that the best, fastest way to bulk your puny body into pure champion brawn is to have the right hand of Zeus and the left hand of Jesus simultaneously steam handle you into a semisolid state, then reform your body of paste into a finely tuned retail king. God and Zeus blindly use their feet to make all the impures. That Ed Hardy Tank looks nice on you. Haphazard Human Development. Look at those treeshakers for Chiquita and their weak ankles. Shake shake shaking all over. Hurry! Wrap that newborn in a bible! Someone spent some time on this one.

Hamster gnawed pretzels. That’s what happens when you don’t seal the pet store box. The hamsters love pretzels, you ought to know this already. You can get new animals across the way from soft doughy pretzels, so of course they’re gunna get into the pretzels. Their whole life is spent smelling delicious pretzels that humans eat.

A black kid once ran out with a puppy dog. The dog’s collar lit up red and big sirens sounded from the mall speakers pausing the nice music. Trashcans lined with C4 blew up, but he was too fast for the explosions. He dodged every single security guard’s laser beam. Sure, the dog was scared but something in his eyes said, “Free at last, baby, free at last, thank...etc.” I saw all this from that food court bench right over there.

They had me wait outside after the stolen puppy episode. A lady cop wrapped me in one of those gray police blankets. It itched and I found a person hair. I asked about the thread count and was really unimpressed with her response. “Sir, there are bigger fish to fry.” I asked, “Do you think this blanket is deserving of my hard earned tax dollar.” Don’t think she really heard me. Could have been the bites of pretzel in between each word. Decided to take a stand and stage an anti-hunger strike. Started slamming pretzels right in front of the cop. Just looked at her straight dead in the eye while I slammed 13 pretzels into my mouth. Even through her slick cop Oakleys, I could see that she didn’t even blink.

Go shop at all the big sales. They won’t wait for you. Catch ‘em like cheetahs, just don’t smear your cheese-orange fingers on the nice animal skin, kid. Really devalues the fur. Discounts on Pokeballs full of Tylenol. Buy those drapes made of candyfloss and all kinds of diabetic denials. Sorry your feet don’t fit into those shoes, ma’am. Oops I guess I hadn’t tried them on. My girlfriend just said babies flow out of me like the west nile. Time for a pretzel.

Situations in Which it is Innoprpriate to Give Someone a Sheep I don’t know you personally, but if we sat down, then I’m sure we could create a list of Situations In Which It Is Inappropriate to Give Someone a Sheep. When somebody sneezes at Starbucks! When someone tells you they are attracted to you!

You’re probably thinking of even more examples right now! But, no matter how exhaustive a list we could‘ve compiled, there is one situation that we never would’ve thought of. I stumbled across said situation while perusing some Internet Videos last week. Buckle up folks because the Giggle Train is about to leave the station! Dirty Wars illegal transgressions during the War on Terror and talking to innocent people

I know this doesn’t seem like it’s heading toward giving someone a sheep, but give it a chance.

their intelligence may have been a little wonky. Nine people were yelling and listening to loud music in the middle of the night, like the intelligence predicted...But doh! It wasn’t the Taliban! It was a family celebrating the announcement of their daughter’s pregnancy!

Whoops! instead of saying, “Uh

oh, y’all. We fucked up. Let’s get out of here,” our

members’ bodies in an attempt to cover up the slaughter.

nalists who broke the real story were either slandered or jailed. Rawry!

do you think that tradition was? He offers them a sheep!

LOL, what

really fucking stupid if you just say “Sorry!” and give them a shitty farm animal.

The White House

For Immediate Release My fellow Americans, I’ve made a huge mistake. Over the past four years, I’ve let you down. If you couldn’t afford health care before, you probably still can’t. If you were locked up at Guantanamo Bay, I have no idea how you’re reading this. I don’t know. Maybe I’ve been watching too much Fox News. They’ve got a really good-looking bunch of gals over there… but I digress. The point is, I can change. At least, I hope so. I’m going to get tough on Wall Street crime. I know I said most that stuff wasn’t necessarily illegal, but it turns out a lot of it was. I’m instructing the Department of economy into crisis. To my favorite banker, Mr. Dimon, and my good friend and campaign contributor, Mr. Blankfein—I’m lookin’ at you. I’m going to end the global War on Terror, and shut down our hundreds of military bases around the world. I’ll cut the defense budget so we can defend ourselves from invasion, and nothing more. And no more military aid. For anybody. Israel and Saudi

I’m offering those savings as reparations to the people of Afghanistan, Iraq, Pakistan, Yemen, Palestine, Honduras, Nicaragua, El Salvador, Colombia, Libya, Somalia… screw it, pretty much all of Africa. That’s not an exhaustive list, by the way. Oh, and I guess Ecuador can put a base in Miami…he was joking? Well, offer still stands. And because I can’t in good conscience keep it, I’m giving that Nobel Peace Prize back. No pressure, Mr. Kissinger. After giving it some thought, I’ve decided it might not be such a great idea to privatize everything. This charter school stuff…you guys know that’s a corporate scam, right? Top is just No Child Left Behind with harsher punishment for teachers? And which asshole told everyone that there are market solutions for the climate crisis? Oh…I guess that was me. But seriously, you actually believed that stuff about an “all of the above” energy policy? As we were fracking and blowing up mountains for coal and building nuclear power plants in poor, black communities? Are you guys for real?

To prove to the American people that I’m serious, I’m appointing Dr. Cornel West to be my new Chief of Staff, Glenn Greenwald as my Attorney General, and for the position of Secretary of State, Killer Mike. I’ll probably throw some women in there, too. Effective immediately, there will be a moratorium on deportations and the building of maximum-security prisons. In addition to the War on Terror, I’m also calling for an end to the War on Drugs, both at home and abroad—because, hell, I’m already declaring war on banksters, prison companies, the energy industry, and the military-industri-

So I’m going to instruct the Department of Justice not to enforce federal drug laws as we work out the nitty-gritty of decriminalization. First order of business: Vice President Biden will be heading a task force on legalizing marijuana. It’s really not so bad if you give it a chance.

Barack Hussein Obama II, President of the United States 4/20/2013

Dig me a weed hole

Wet Papa’s hose

Bringa’ drug bucket

Rake God’s dirt

Shake out brimbles

Ignore the beast

Conquer your fears

â&#x20AC;&#x153;Birds, ha! Who needs 'em?"

Classifieds Help Wanted Punch Hives! Earn Honey! Part Time Bee Fighter wanted. Duties include, fucking with wasps, getting stung, yelling at yellow jackets. Eat all the honey you can swallow! Must provide own armor, smoke gun, honey pots.

Werewolves Scare Kids!

Do you need a lupine creature of the night to scare your children off drugs? Don’t let your kid become a crook! Hire me! Must provide costume and moonlight. I bring the snarls, howls, grunts, and death-rattle.

Farm Signitures! Win Equity!

Only YOU can make a difference! This is an unpaid position.

Lost & Found Before my wife left with Anthony to go to Taipei, I took one of her body parts. I lost it

at the mall. If found, e-mail: cellosweetnumber1@hotmail. com with the firstword of her tattoo in the subject line. I stole a baby, then lost it. Checked where I stole it from, but not there. Call if you see it. No reward. 666-420-6969

Miscellaneous Looking to start band! Need guitar, drums, bass, vox (have keys). Influences Bush, Busch Light, W. Bush, and of course, bush. Tentative name: The Rug Moshers

Personals Knock, knock! Who’s there? It’s me! Oh of course. Did you get my message? Yes, I was expecting your visit. May I come in... Wanna watch a webcam where a horse hooves a guy? Check out: myspace.com/ihatenickmartin

SEXY Nude GAY Slut-Hunks Whispering secrets about GAY marriages!

1800-793-WANK Only

$2.69

te. per minu

CALL TODAY!

I’m a bitter, lonely shut-in who prefers it this way. Leave me alone. Stop reading my ad. It’s personal!

For Sale Wanna burn down your apartment? Use matches and gasoline! For sale almost anyplace anything is sold Buy them today! I’m getting rid of my ash collection. Come over and see what soots you! Ashes include: cigarette, fireplace, dog, bed, grandma. Bring a truck! Or at least a cat! I shot my husband with this cool gun, but now I need to get rid of it. Sad to part with this gun, as it is cool, so asking high price: as much as stuffable in my purse. Send money (with self-addressed return envelope to) PO: 7734209, Cali-Ma-Zoo, NM

Hot, Hairy

FURRY boys

ONLY $6.66 an hour

What the hell are you waiting for? The bus? A package? Death? We’ll sit on the phone with you while you wait!

We’re the

WaitDates! $1.88 / min

r create you

own...

BOVINE GROWTH HORMONE

Got something to sell? Throw it on the pile!

Kyle’s Buyin’ Pile

Make any cow grow up big, strong, and perpetually lactating!

Set includes: • • • • •

Vials! Tungsten! Beakers! Bunsen burner! Stylish goggles!

“Please wear gloves when touching the pile”--Kyle

YUMMY CUM

Is your refrigerator running?

Are you sure? Is it cold enough? Does the lightbulb work? What if your organic food spoils? Your child is trapped inside, freezing to death slowly!

The tang kids crave! The vitamins dads need!

$13.26

you better go check Paid for by Mothers for Senseless Worrying (MFSW)

Can’t afford your insurance bills?...

KILLYOURSELF! It’s E-Z!

s $ a v e th o u sa n d se s! n e in m e d ic a l e x p

Watches!

crack! put that in your pipe and smoke it

Lyle’s Style ‘n’ File

Get organized!

and a complimentary shave while you wait!

File in Style! Oh no! Where'd my stuff go?!

Isn’t it time you got one?

It's in the files!

shape-shifters from

! t e n a l p another But what if I told you that the members of a secret ferent species as you and I? Would you puke? I hope so. Because the powerful, world-ruling individuals are, in fact, shape shifting reptiles from the Alpha Draconi star system of the Orion Constellation. Maybe you want to laugh in my face. My landlord did. But therein lies the strongest strength of the Reptilian’s Power Structure. The absurdity allows them to hide in plain sight! Learn to spot the reptoids! Webster’s Dictionary would absolutely never say that Reptilians are a species non-native to Terra; they “shifted over” from their own dimension (colloquially referred to as the 4th dimension) some time 30,000 years ago. Reptilians can apfrom 5.4 to 9 feet tall, with scaly, greenish-brown skin. We don’t know why they came here, we only know how colleges and every major news outlet and library. By explicitly controlling the access of the masses, these reptilians shape the ideologies of entire populations. How do these reptilian beasts operate in the public sphere when they look so different from you? Simply: Their shape shifting is highly documented, with videos, idents, CEOs, matadors, kings, religious leaders, and

repairmen) have been seen either mid-shift or with their truest truisms revealed. These pictures were easily accessible on the internet, until the reptilian hegemony got their literal tendrils on them. You may be asking yourself, â&#x20AC;&#x153;What can me, I personally, do to combat this global conspiracy? If the power structure of United States is dominated by space traveling, shape shifting reptoids, can ordinary humans hope to accomplish anything?â&#x20AC;? The answer is simple: no. You are powerless to combat a inter-galactic conspiracy carried out by a ever make a difference. But you might survive.. bage. Do not read any other stories within this publication, as they were likely written by reptars. In fact, never read any other publication ever again. Stop reading words completely--especially these words. Your only goal must be disseminating anti-reptoid information as widely as possible. Devote as much time as you can to this endeavor. Whether that means distributing phamplets at your local junior college campus or quitting your job to become a social media intern for David Ickeâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s YouTube, Twitter, Tumblr, and Pinterest--you en all your closest friends and family to the reptilaian agenda. Those who are not with you are against you. Those who are with you might also be against you though too. In fact, how certain are you that you yourself are not a reptile? Sure, you bleed red, but could that not be the side-effect of ocular implants placed inside your brain by the Reptoids? The answer is right in front of your face: tear out your eyeballs, examine your brain...

and let the galatic battle begin! 19

Who are you? What do you stand for? What do you stand for? Cut through the all bullshit! Find out who you really are--with standardized bubble filling! Send back your answer sheet to USR and we’ll grade it with our fancy intelli-tron by Intel. I get bored as I get older because... A. I gave up on my dreams B. I wasted my potential C. I never had any dreams or potential in the first place D. Every moment is just another closer to death E. Scrubs got canceled If you’re so smart, why do you hate yourself? A. Because my analytic brain constantly reminds me of my failures and hypocrisies B. Even though I’m intelligent, I am powerless to make a difference in the world C. Sure I’m clever, but I never get laid D. All of the below E. Nothing really matters in the first place If I could shoot spaghetti out of my fingers... A. People would assume I’m Italian B. I’d probably rent a bigger apartment C. I would be a hit at dinner parties! D. The government would put me in prison because my newfound superpower would pose a legitimate threat to the politics of world hunger In what year did power hungry white men sign a piece of paper? A. 1215 B. 1791 C. 1945 D. 2002 Genocides in Africa happen because... A. Constructed racial hierarchies imposed by imperialist invaders B. Not enough people are using game-changing hashtags #gamechanger C. Savages be savages, am I right? D. There is/are no God(s) Children attend school to... A. Stay out of Mommy’s way B. Become disciplined subjects within state institutions C. Taste the poison of failure over and over D. Learn to play hot crossed buns on a recorder Hair removal... A.Separates us from the animals B. Is the only way barbers can eat C. Feels good, in a bleeding way D. Is a conspiracy by beauty and plastics corporation

What’s the deal with secret brotherhoods of conspiratorial control? A. They are an inevitable consequence of the human will to power B. I was taught to be cautious C. Blue Ivy Carter is as real as Tupac is dead D. What else are we supposed to do with all this goat blood? E. Mail pythons to businessmen The DC in Washington DC stands for... A. Dank Chronic B. Dark Carnival C. Direct Current D. Dick Cheney E. Dad Captain Who shot JFK? A. the C.I.A B. the P.T.A C. the M.A.F.I.A. D. the U.S.S.R

Short Answer

Answer (m)any of these questions

1. It’s time for you to get a watch: describe the process. 2. Say Facebook were a state capital; why would it inevitably be Detroit? 3. Not all dads are your dads. Not all dogs are your dogs. Why is this? 4. Imagine you are any type of tree--why are you doing this? 5. If you could eat electronics (remember Tamgotchis™), which would you eat and why? Essays 1. Write down all the feelings you have about your dad. Be sure to include every time he forgot

about you, hurt you, or made you feel sad. Then, crumple the essay into a little ball, uncrumple the ball, and tear the essay into little strips. Finally, throw the strips in your own face (40 points).

2. Analyzing the contributing factors to the outbreak of the American Civil War, compose a de-

piction of how it felt for Morgan Freeman to be beholden to Matthew Broderck in the events that would later be dramatized in the film, Glory (1989). How did variables of race, age, sex, ability and socioeconomic status impact the box office intake and the critical response of this classic example of pop-art Americana? (1 point)

3. Fads are defined as a moment in time when it becums fun to buy something dumb. Exam-

ples of fads are: Pokemon, pet rocks, penicillin, hula-hoops, chia pets, slavery, cotton-candy machines, pogs, Beanie Babies, devices that turn off lights via clapping, singing Billy Fish, and Dr. Phil. Create your own fad! How do you trick rubes into buying it? Which rising industrial power is responsible for manufacturing your fad? How long does it take for your fad to bust? How long until you to crash and burn--snorting heroin off of graham-crackers, eating socks for money? Are you happy? I bet you are: ELLEN DEGENERATE (69 oinks)

! e v i f h hig ! Y A R O O H YOU FOUND THE...

HIDDEN 22

! B O J T GREA

SHARK 23

reviews

of things i should just throw away

The Jesus candle I bought for $1 in the Hispanic isle of the groccery store! rating: ii

I bought a holy candle because it has a kitschy picture of Jesus. J-man points up to the sky and

background, kinda like a Grateful Dead hoodie. So undoubtedly, it’s a cool looking candle--but can it candle? No, it cannot. Upon bringing the candle home from the grocery store, I have received no spiritual satisfaction, only major disappointment. The candle hardly gives off any light, not to mention it’s completely scentless (why couldn’t it smell like candle the wax burned over the wick: now nobody can light it--except Christ himself. Lately, I’ve used this Jesus jar as an ashtray for dead plant matter.

Spider-Man Pez Despenser! rating:

iiii

I found Spiderman’s candy head in a box with ten year old Pez still inside. Pez gets cruchier over time, and sticks to its neighbor Pez--so if you don’t wantto break the Pez-pushing plastic on your despensor, seperate the Pez by hand before you eat it. Don’t throw it away. Spiderman looks funny because the design is based on the 1960’s cartoon. Zam-mo! 24

Tiny Stuffed Dog with Removable Hat and Coat! rating:

iiiiiiiii

An ex-girlfriend gave me a small stuffed animal she received as a prize from a box of fortunate cookies. It’s a pretty solid prize since a) it’s a cute dog and b) you can remove its hat and coat. The What’s weird about this toy is it reminds me about the socially constructed nature of wearing clothes. It feels almost perverse to strip a dog naked, which I assume the toy makers built in as part of the fun. Soon, I’ll take a real dog’s clothes off and we can consummate our love in a state sanctioned marriage.

The Brownish-Orange Stuff I Cough Up Every Morning! rating:

iiiii

Usually between the hours of 4AM and 7AM, I awake violently with an explosion in my chest. Dark, thick mucus clogs my lungs and tries to escape when the sun rises. The mucus is a beautiful auburn color, which reminds me of autumnal leaf changing, as well as blood. I rub the mucus on the wall next to my bed until it dries (much to my girlfriend’s chagrin). Once dried, I chip the mucus off the wall and save it in a ziplock bag. I’m not exactly sure why I do this. Initially, I planned to see a doctor about whatever’s in my lungs, but now I don’t want to do that (the baggie of dried mucus crust balls.

Oxygen Separation Therapy: Experience and Atmosphere While walking into the north side’s Oxygen Separation Therapy clinic, a tan young professional on his way out nodded, smiled, and said, “gaphbr tnczy omllteo”. Instead of responding to his seemingly well-intended, though unintelligible, greeting, I simply forced a toothless smile and continued into the well-lit, sea-breeze-scented waiting room. In comparison to the OST clinic downtown, I found the north side location’s waiting room to be a bit tacky, even unprofessional, mainly on account of the obviously looped receptionists. It was clear to me from their sunken eyes and nonsense words. Also, the clinic was obviously still allowing problem patients to continue to partake in sessions. Many of these patients were visibly looped and willing to wait long hours for their gold to process. At the north side clinic there is a separate room for those wishing to pay in gold. This I prefer, especially when I bring my daughter in for Kiddy Daze. She usually carrying large arm loads of gold watches, earrings, belt buckles, etc.). by the care with which he assembled the Separator. Collected from my last visit, their automated data compiler recalled my preferred therapy environment. The lights dimmed and all of the walls began to imply a deep-sea landscape complete with all sorts of bottom dwelling creatures. To be totally honest, I was slightly taken aback at this clinic’s employment of shoddy, obsolete analog projectors. Most all clinics have made the upgrade to digital and you would think this one would have as well judging by the sheer volume of clientele coming through the place. My suspension of disbelief during these initial phases of the therapy were all but lost after a certain imbecile operating the reels allowed for one of the walls to go out of focus. I attempted nostrils, and besides that, I had opted for the growingly popular tongue injection anyway, a gentle muscle relaxant that helps keep the tongue from being caught in the velocity of opposing force coming from the great tube. The best penne & parm dinner doesn’t quite compare to my visions after the third interval of suction. I felt my mind massaging itself ever so slightly against the inner cranial walls. Something off in the middle distance of that deep blueblack ocean came nearer and after pointing at

looked back I noticed that the woman had turned to stone, appearing to be an ancient landmark of the deep sea, some forgotten old socialite of ancient Greece, or Rome I suppose.

Please send help

I’m sorry, there was nothing we could do

BABY COMICS

Look at me, everybody!

I hate you

Let’s just take a sneak peak in here!

Don’t look at me

HOROSCOPES

SMARCH DEC. 25-APR. 3

Did you ever make your dad smile? Go down to the bar and touch the mayor. Try wearing meat socks.

MCKAY

FALL MONTHS

Lifting weights is like a black cat with a Pelosi boner. You have to milk 100% actual grandpa juice if you really wanan bulk.

JUANA

MOST OF MAY

Hitler’s asshole is a traffic light with sonar and go-karts to make Prison jazz for Aggro Crag

NAV’IGA NOV. 9

Applesuace might have a great personality, but Holden Caulfield will make your boner jam a 3.0 on the Andy Richter scale

PROTOG 1937-1973

This zesty coma starts out with a grilled cheese co-singer of Green Day, Tre & ends with a Danny Glover bubble bath.

PUNG

SEPT. 27-JAN. 17

Vermont rectal doctors constantly discuss pinata technique and wash children with Garth Brooks flavored soap

LOPE

JUN. 4-JUN. 3

Racist casserole lasso up carrots for dog orphans; don’t eat breakfast with Senator Diapers

AMPU

JAN. 6-JUN. 6

Silverware cults don’t blush amidst creationist, per say, but Mongoloid stripes on Tony the Wiffleball get greased up for celery pudding

FLOOZE

SEPT. 11-DEC. 7

Little known factoid about everyone’s favorite Al Gore: he’s a Ouija board! Cats, thank Al Gore for eating olives instead of wearing tiny hats.

EAD

APR. 22-JAN. 5

When vomiting your horchata, did you mean to ruin the opera? Everyone knows the real victim is Seal’s priceless bottle of bird’s-milk.

BLEM

FEB. 6-JUN. 5

Burrito wind chimes make the farmers cry so ordinary squawk orphans must make ends meet by selling dolphin meat.

TURST

JUL. 4-JUL. 14

Aroused by glass, Dad’s savage garden gives the doctor the creeps!

JAKE LLOYD IS PALESTINE BY PRESTON DAVIS GEORGE LUCAS’Z STARWARS FRANCHISE IS A HYPERSIGIL--A HIDDEN, SYMBOLIC, FOURTH-DIMENSIONAL CONTRACT BETWEEN LUCAS, THE FREEMASONS, AND SATAN HIMSELF. EACH PARTY IS REPRESENTED BY A DIFFERENT NUMBER: LUCAS 4, THE MASONS 3, AND STAN 6. WITH THE RELEASE OF THE FIRST FILM, (NUMBNERED 4) LUCAS RECEIVED PAYMENT FOR HIS END OF THE ONTRACT: ETERNAL WEALTH AND FAME. THE SIXTH FILM (NOTE, THE THIRD PRODUCED) IS NOTABLE FOR BEING SEEN BY MANY, SUCH AS FAMED PRODUCER GARY KURTZ, AS THE MOMENT WHEN THE SERIES ‘SOLD OUT.” THIS IS DUE TO SATAN’S COLLECTING OF HIS PRIZE: LUCAS’S SOULD. SIX YEARS AFTER THE RELEASE OF EPISODE SIX, JAKE LLOYD WAS BORN. AFTER THE RELEASE OF THE SIXTH FILM, LUCAS WAS ALLOWED SIXTEEN (4X4) YEARS OF REST, LEISURE, AND SIN. WHEN THE TIME CAME FOR HIM TO CONTINUTE TO DRAW HIS CONTRACT THROUGH TIME, THE TIME CAME FOR HIM TO TEST THE STRENGTH OF THE MASONIC BOND. THIS INDULGENT, EXPERIMENTAL FOURTH (REMEMBER, LUCAS’S NUMBER) FILM--NUMBERED 1--THOUGH WIDELY REGARDED AS THE WORST FILM OF THE FRANCHISE, HAD THE HIGHEST BOX OFRFICE DRAW OF ANY OF THE STARWARDS FILMS. THE KEY TO THE FILMS SUCCESS WAS ITS LEADING MAN: JAKE LLOYD. JAKE ‘FLICK’ LLOYD WAS BORN TO WILLIAM AND LISA LLOYD OF FORT COLLINS COLORADO IN 1989. HE WAS CHOSEN, AT THE AGE OF 9, AN AGE WHICH IS SACRED TO THE RITES OF THE MASONS, TO PLAY A YOUNG ANAKINE SKYWALKER (WHO WOULD LATER GROW UP TO BE DARTH VADER). ANAKIN IS NAMED FOR THE BIBLICAL ANAKIM, OR THE SONS OF ANAK--A RACE OF CANAANITE GIANTS (LET’S NOT FORGET ABOUT DARTH VADER’S SIZE), DECENBDED FROM THE NEPHILM, WHO OPPOSD ISRAAAELITE LEADER MOSES. IT IS A LAW OF FREEMASONRY THE ANY Mason MUST SUBNMIT THEMSELVES HEART AND SOUL TO THE CAUSE OF ZIONISM. THE ULTIMATE GOAL OF THE STARWARS HYPERSIGIL IS THE DEFEAT OF THE ANAKIM, THE ENEMIES OF THE ZIONIST MASONS. BY ALIGNING YOUNG, SWEET JAKE LLOYD WITH THEIR ENEMIES--BY MAKING JAKE LLOYDS’ PAHNTOM INTO A MENACE--GEORGE LUCAS MADE HIM INTO AN OBJECT OF GREAT POWER FOR THE MASONS. SIX YEARS AFTER THE RELEASE OF EPISODE ONE, JAKE LLOYD WAS WORKING AT A PAC SUN IN INDIANA. THE TWO TRILOGIES DRAW A 6-POINTED STAR (OF DAvid??????) THROUGHOUT TIME, WITH JAEK LLOYD AS NEAR TO THE MIDDLE OF IT AS ANYONE COULD BE. THIS TEMPORAL SACRIFICAL CIRCLE SERVED TO CALL SATAN, THE FILMS’ TRUE EXECUTIVE PRODUCER, TO TAKE THE BOY’S FUTURE. TODAY THIS ONCE BRIGHT AND SHINING STAR IS TERRIFIED OF CAMERAS, LASHING OUT IN EVERY INTERVIOEW HE GIVES. THE ANAKIM DEFEATHD, HE IS A POWERLESS, OPRESSED PEOPLE TRYING TO MAKE IT ON HIS OWN IN TE WORLD.

Final Thought Old Age: an Eskimo story

here was woman who was old, blind and likewise unable to walk. Once she asked her daughter for a drink of water. The daughter was so bored with her old mother that she gave her a bowl of her own piss. The old woman drank it all up, then said: “You’re a nice one, daughter. Tell me -- which would you prefer as a lover, a louse or a sea scorpion?” “Oh, a sea scorpion,” laughed the daughter, “because he would not be crushed so easily when I slept with him.” Whereupon the old woman proceeded to pull sea scorpions out of her vagina, one after another, until she fell over dead.

Nick Martin

Nick is the editor of USR, as well as an avant-garde standup comedian, writer, and total doog. Every day he thinks about new ways to cook bread. Read more: @ihatenickmartin or www.ihatenickmartin.wordpress.com

adam gorcowski room). He is the owner of many hats of many different colors and shapes.

phil sudderberg What a cosmonaut, they used to say. But then I got older, wiser, grew up to what I am today. Just being me, no apologies. Having fun while propelling through the me-tubes of being, baby.

evan metz

Evan Metz is an avant-garde clip-art captioner from America. He was voted, “Most Likely to Be Assassinated in a CIA Coup” in a fun, high school superlative poll. Check out his band: www.grandkidsmusic.com

Kumars Salehi

An MA student in Cinema Studies at New York University, Kumars writes, directs, and stars in Stalinist tractor romances. He keeps a blog at theredfury.wordpress.com, and you can follow him on Twitter @KumarsSalehi.

Mike Knish

I do comedy and co-run a show called Cocaine Murder Jam in Chicago. We call our collective GUFF, www.facebook.com/guffcorp Pls visit us #godbless

jessica bourque

Jessica is an avant-garde graphic designer as well as a serious investigative journalist. Her mom is very nice

Zak Kulhan

My name is Zak. I like occultism, conspiracy theories, black metal and real trap ship. I blog about these things at liluglyblog.tumblr.com

tyler schmidt Tyler Schmidt is a graphic designer, Illustrator, pirate of tortuga, human battery, mad scientist, half ghost, cake enthusiast. You can see more of his drawings and ramblings at thedoorkeep.tumblr.com

dane georges

Dane Georges is a Graphic Design student at the University of Illinois with big dreams of someday becoming a comic book illustrator. To see more of Dane’s work go to danegeorges.net.

greg clow

Facebook page called “Thinking About Yogurt” from which his piece was cut-up.

preston davis

An anti-illuminati activist who occupied several secret directorships at major media companies such as LucasArts and Vivendi. After 9/11, he dedicated himself to exposing truth, working to take down our oppressors.

unadulteratedsharkrepellent@gmail.com unadulteratedsharkrepellent@gmail.com

WE WANT YOU Send us $5, To write/draw/design we’ll send you our magazine! We publish issue 2 & 3! weird things (as you saw)! unadulteratedsharkrepellent@gmail.com

MAIL TIME Nick Martin PO: 991 New Lenox, IL 60451

unadulteratedsharkrepellent@gmail.com