GET A LIFE, MOM!

by Ken Wilson Steppingstones to Recovery

“You’ve ruined my life,” screamed a 60 year old woman to her husband of 40 years in my office. “I’ve bailed you out of jail, lied to your boss about your being sick, paid your legal fines, and fed you chicken soup so you could get to work on Mondays and I’m sick and tired of it already. I hate you.” She didn’t realize that her enabling perpetuated his drinking for 40 years.

I felt sad for this woman who said she hadn’t had fun in many years. Her poor life had centered around her husband – no vacations, no nice cars, no perks. Her joy was wrapped up in being a caretaker. Caretakers, you see, are a magnet for “takers,” and vice versa. A caretaker feels loved when caretaking…and a taker feels loved when he/ she is being taken care of! A perfect match. Or so it seems.

Until the day one or the other gets well. Then the equation breaks apart. I’ve seen alcoholics stop drinking, go to AA several nights week- ly, and adopt great friends in recovery and their wives would tell them “I liked you better when I was pouring your drinks for you every night.” All of a sudden she had nobody to care for and her self-worth plummeted.

In my own home growing up we children didn’t necessarily want my erring father to die – we just wanted him to go away and not come back. We begged our mom to divorce him but she just couldn’t do it. Somehow she seemed to find joy in her misery of being an abused and neglected wife.

Such is the life of one who relies on another person for their joy. Hindsight is 20/20, but dad probably would’ve gotten well sooner had she stopped caretaking him and gotten a life of her own. She never learned to swim, roller skate, drive a car, and never ate at a restaurant until her 70’s because her life was wrapped up in caretaking for pop. She found pleasure in denying herself pleasure in deference to him.

If you or someone you know is in a similar position, there is hope ahead! Through self-help programs and good counseling out there, a good life can still happen! It’ll feel uncomfortable for awhile though.

It can be unsettling for an alcoholic/addict husband to see his wife come alive and start taking bubble baths with a Do Not Disturb sign on the bathroom door! Candles, music, the works! Each of us is responsible for his or her own happiness. We cannot rely on others to make us happy. That is a precarious position for sure.

If your addicted loved one doesn’t come home in time to go to the concert, go anyway! Take a friend. And to make the move even more powerful, don’t say a thing about it later on. Just that you had a great time.

Be as good to yourself as you have been to him. Bake yourself some cookies, too. Ones that you like. Start spending some of your hardearned money on day trips or hobbies; it makes detaching much easier. In other words,

This Is Your Brain

we can detest diabetes but love the diabetic. We can love the alcoholic but detest his illness. (BTW, when you master this, do write a book on how to do it! You’ll pay off your home mortgage with the profits!)

When you start being responsible for your own joy, do not expect it to feel good overnight. It’ll take months or maybe years. But a journey of a thousand miles begins with a tiny step forward, then a bigger step, then more steps. The point is to not turn 80 years old and regret how you spent your time on this planet. There are no trophies for victims and martyrs, only for those who dare to live well.

So for your sake, and for God’s sake, mom, get a life!