Chapter 8: Relationship Strategies “You can’t always control what goes on outside. But you can always control what goes on inside.” — Wayne Dyer
When we were going over the plan for shrinking anxiety, the 3A Toolkit, I introduced you to the idea that all of us exist in relationships with others and with ourselves. None of us are truly ever in isolation, we really are relational creatures. For this reason, considering relationships is always helpful as part of managing worry and anxiety and for overall wellbeing. Relationships are often complex and we will not be able to address all aspects of relationships in this workbook or solve all of your relationship challenges. If you are really struggling with relationships, I suggest finding someone such as a helping professional to speak with in more depth about this. For this workbook, I will introduce you to a few helpful ideas and practices to help you with your relationship with others and yourself. Interpersonal Relationships (Others) Collecting information about relationships in order to understand your worry or anxiety includes present relationships as well as historical ones, both good and bad. Relationships have the potential to foster regulation and help you to cope and feel better. When relationships are supportive, they can help you to regulate your worry. When relationships are unsafe or unhealthy, they can fuel dysregulation and related challenges. Consider how your level of anxiety changes depending on the people in your life. It is beyond the scope of this workbook to explore your relationship history and present relationships in detail, just know that they are important. Also, if you have a history of difficult relationships, especially in your family growing up, it may take a bit longer to manage your anxiety and to understand how these relationships impact you. Part of how you manage stress and anxiety is learned from the important people around you. Some of the important people around you are good at managing stress and anxiety and others are not. They may not have had the opportunity to learn the strategies you are learning in this workbook. I mention this to encourage you to be kind and compassionate to yourself and others around you and know that learning to manage stress and anxiety is possible. Boundaries. As best you can, try and surround yourself with people who are supportive and who want the best for you. I know that this is not always easy to do. You may also need some practice with setting boundaries in order to take care of yourself and your energy. Think of boundaries as kind of like a property line that keeps unwanted intruders out and you safe. This might mean that you risk disappointing others when you say no sometimes, but it also means you are caring for and standing up for yourself. Setting boundaries is a way of confirming that you are worth protecting and looking after. Very simply, boundaries are “simply our lists of what’s okay and not okay” and keep you from feeling resentment (from Brene Brown’s Rising Strong, 2015). To learn to set boundaries, which will take practice, Brene Brown suggests the following:
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