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CHAPTER 8: Relationship Strategies
“You can’t always control what goes on outside. But you can always control what goes on inside.” — Wayne Dyer
When we were going over the plan for shrinking anxiety, the 3A Toolkit, I introduced you to the idea that all of us exist in relationships with others and with ourselves. None of us are truly ever in isolation, we really are relational creatures. For this reason, considering relationships is always helpful as part of managing worry and anxiety and for overall wellbeing. Relationships are often complex and we will not be able to address all aspects of relationships in this workbook or solve all of your relationship challenges. If you are really struggling with relationships, I suggest finding someone such as a helping professional to speak with in more depth about this. For this workbook, I will introduce you to a few helpful ideas and practices to help you with your relationship with others and yourself.
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Interpersonal Relationships (Others)
Collecting information about relationships in order to understand your worry or anxiety includes present relationships as well as historical ones, both good and bad. Relationships have the potential to foster regulation and help you to cope and feel better. When relationships are supportive, they can help you to regulate your worry. When relationships are unsafe or unhealthy, they can fuel dysregulation and related challenges. Consider how your level of anxiety changes depending on the people in your life. It is beyond the scope of this workbook to explore your relationship history and present relationships in detail, just know that they are important. Also, if you have a history of difficult relationships, especially in your family growing up, it may take a bit longer to manage your anxiety and to understand how these relationships impact you. Part of how you manage stress and anxiety is learned from the important people around you. Some of the important people around you are good at managing stress and anxiety and others are not. They may not have had the opportunity to learn the strategies you are learning in this workbook. I mention this to encourage you to be kind and compassionate to yourself and others around you and know that learning to manage stress and anxiety is possible.
Boundaries. As best you can, try and surround yourself with people who are supportive and who want the best for you. I know that this is not always easy to do. You may also need some practice with setting boundaries in order to take care of yourself and your energy. Think of boundaries as kind of like a property line that keeps unwanted intruders out and you safe. This might mean that you risk disappointing others when you say no sometimes, but it also means you are caring for and standing up for yourself. Setting boundaries is a way of confirming that you are worth protecting and looking after. Very simply, boundaries are “simply our lists of what’s okay and not okay” and keep you from feeling resentment (from Brene Brown’s Rising Strong, 2015). To learn to set boundaries, which will take practice, Brene Brown suggests the following:
Make a mantra: choose a phrase that reminds you to make a choice that promotes your wellbeing.
Keep a resentment journal: write down when you are feeling resentment, this is often when you are overwhelmed and tired and probably not setting boundaries. This will help you understand and develop insight into where you need to develop new or stronger boundaries.
Rehearse: Practice saying no: practice with your pet, with yourself, and with others; practice a lot.
Setting boundaries can be really hard, so be kind to yourself as you figure this out. Know you are worth protecting and taking care of! Even though learning to set boundaries can promote wellbeing, learning to do so can be accompanied by some stress in the short term.
Intrapersonal Relationships (Self)
How a person relates to themselves is very impactful and has a great deal of influence over stress, worry, and anxiety. A negative and critical way of relating to oneself is common in individuals who experience anxiety.
Consider how you relate to yourself: How do your respond when you make a mistake? How do you speak to yourself?
It is common for those with anxiety to be kind to others, to be encouraging and supportive of other people who are struggling or who make a mistake. Yet this same kindness and compassion is not offered to yourself. Learning to be compassionate towards yourself, also called self-compassion, is an important part of regulating stress, worry and anxiety.
There are three elements to self-compassion which are: (Kristin Neff, 2011)
1. Self-kindness vs. Self-judgment
Self-compassion involves being warm and kind to ourselves, even when we make mistakes. This is in contrast to judging ourselves harshly, beating ourselves up.
2. Common humanity versus Isolation
Self-compassion includes the recognition that part of being human is that we are vulnerable and we suffer. We share this experience with other humans. This is in contrast to feeling alone and isolated and that we are the only one who is struggling.
3. Mindfulness vs. Over-identification
Self-compassion includes noticing our experience without judgement or avoidance.
Even if you are not sure how to change your relationships with other people, or you need to meet with a helping professional to assist you with this, you can always take a look at how you relate to yourself. If you are someone who is hard on yourself, or beats yourself up verbally, developing self-compassion is hard to do. Just start somewhere. Even if it is a very small step, it is still a step in the right direction. For example, you may only be comfortable with a neutral statement to yourself like “I’m trying” and that is as kind as you can be to yourself. If you are really struggling with self-compassion, start with the general idea that people deserve to be healthy and well. Start wherever you can and continue to work on how you relate to yourself. You can even think about how you treat someone you really care about, especially someone who is struggling; write down how you would help them and take care of them. Then read out what you have written and imagine if you could offer this same kindness to yourself.
Relationship Awareness
How we relate to ourselves (Self - intrapersonal relationships) and how we relate to others (Others - interpersonal relationships) are essential components of the fabric of wellness and are foundational in the human experience. Our need to connect with others is wired into our very existence. As humans, we exist in relation to ourselves and others. We are never in a vacuum devoid of inter- and intra-personal connections. For this reason, managing stress and anxiety benefits from considering relationships. Here are some questions that will help you to be aware of your relationships.
