Nikah marriage wedding 30days to reconnect with your spouse

30 Days To Re-Connect With Your Spouse

A Practical Guide To Building A Stronger, More Loving Marriage

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30 Days To Re-Connect With Your Spouse

Introduction What does it mean to re-connect with your spouse? Being married to someone doesn’t necessarily mean you are ‘connected’ to them, especially when you’ve been married a few years. As time ticks on, it’s easy to lose that ‘spark’ between you as life, kids and paying the bills sets in.

However, this isn’t what married life needs to be like, nor how it should be. Just because life is busy and stressful doesn’t mean you can’t stay connected with one another. A connected couple are always in tune with one another. They operate as a team and not as separate units. They understand one another and intuitively know what the other needs.

A connected couple don’t just ‘love’ each other, they are ‘in love’.

There’s a HUGE difference between the two. You can ‘love’ someone and not know what’s bothering them emotionally on a day to day basis. When you are ‘in love’ you know exactly what the other needs. When one spouse is upset, the other one feels the pain and steps in to comfort. When one is anxious, the other calms.

A truly connected couple run as a complete and complementary unit.

However, when a couple are disconnected, they don’t understand or support one another. They remain like strangers living in the same space, sharing the same things, but having nothing to emotionally bind them to one another. They can’t talk to each other, let alone share one another’s problems.

This is what we want to fix! We want to help you develop a deeper understanding and appreciation of your spouse...by showing them some much needed appreciation and love!

But here’s the challenge – we want to challenge you to keep going not for one day, not for a few days or a week, but for a full 30 days... and here’s the twist:

We want you to do it WITHOUT any expectations of receiving anything back from your spouse!

Now before you think we’ve gone mad, or think we’re being unfair or even too bold with this challenge, we want you to understand one very critical point.

Allah SWT has made marriage half of your deen, so it’s essential for you to understand that honouring your marriage is not a trivial matter. Allah SWT has also said that He will hold YOU to account in everything YOU do. You CANNOT ever fully 100% control how someone acts or behaves towards you.

You can’t control how someone thinks about you, nor can you control what that person feels about you. What you CAN control however, is what YOU choose to do. You can control how YOU behave. And you have full control over how you CHOOSE to be.

So this challenge is more about YOU and pushing you to be the best you can be for the sake of pleasing Allah SWT and your spouse than it is about pleasing yourself. This requires a big shift in your mindset and is different from how most people view a marriage – and that is mostly ‘what can my spouse do for me’.

Instead we want to turn this on its head and ask ‘what can YOU do for your spouse?’ Instead of thinking ‘me, me, me’, we want you to think about pleasing your spouse for the sake of Allah WITHOUT wanting or EXPECTING anything back from them.

A true believer knows that Allah is the Master of everything. If you put your trust in people, you will ALWAYS be disappointed.

If however, you place your trust in Allah, you will never be disappointed. When you place your trust in Allah, you do what you need to do, make dua for Allah to help you and then your expectation is that ALLAH and Allah alone will answer your duas and give you what you want.

The believer knows that whatever they are rewarded with is truly from the Mercy and blessings of Allah because they put their trust in Him.

Issues arise when you give for the sake of receiving – and this is certainly true of most marriages, since you would otherwise feel used and unvalued.

However, we want to challenge you to change your attitude for just 30 days irrespective whether you get anything back in return.

This means showering your spouse with love and affection and doing things for them because you want to, and not because you think it will make them love you more. This is harder than it seems – especially for those who ALREADY feel undervalued in their marriage.

The point of this challenge is to love for the sake of Allah alone and see what happens when you LOSE the expectation from people and place your trust in Ar-Rahman instead.

Ready To Take The Challenge?

We want you to really try hard over the next 30 days to reconnect with your spouse without wanting or expecting anything in return.

Over the next few pages we’ve outlined 30 different ideas for you to try out with your spouse – you might have your own ideas, but this list will insha’Allah get you started.

1. Quality time

No matter how busy you are, take the time to invest in what matters most - your marriage. Over the next 30 days, try and ensure that no matter what happens, you spend some time daily with your spouse.

The easiest way to do this is to ensure you go to sleep at the same time daily and spend just half an hour TALKING and listening without any interruptions. So switch off the phone, laptop, TV or anything else which is distracting you and get talking!

2. Schedule a Date Night

Marriage counsellors always suggest that married couples should go out for at least one date night a month, especially if you have kids.

Get the family to babysit while you go for a meal. If you really can’t arrange anything, then don’t stress. Get the kids into bed early and plan a nice meal or activity together at home. Make sure you treat it as a proper date – so make the effort for one another!

3. Have lunch together

If you can, surprise your spouse with an impromptu lunch arranged during the week. Being spontaneous like this will help keep your marriage alive Insha’Allah.

4. Take a walk together

Walking is a great way to relieve stress at the end of the day or help you wake up and get energized in the morning. Find a beautiful park

or somewhere with gardens or good landscape which encourages you to think and reflect and allows you the chance to connect without distractions to one another. Plus, a change in scenery will really help to lift the spirit!

5. Get up and go to bed at the same time

What could be nicer than starting and ending the day together?

It’s hard to make the time with kids, but even waking an extra 10 minutes early just for a cuddle can really help lift your mood.

6. Make and pack your spouse’s lunch

Getting up early in the morning to do this really shows your love.

Leave a nice note inside about how much you will miss them, a poem or a quote or even just to say ‘I love you’.

7. Do chores or run errands together

it might seem a little weird at first, but something as simple as going to do the weekly shop together will help create a sense of unity – plus it teaches children that sharing chores really is caring.

8. Set aside time for daily conversation/discussion

nothing is worse than running out of things to say and then avoiding talking altogether! All it takes is a simple ‘how was your day today’ to get a conversation started.

9. Play together

couples who play together, stay together! Board games like scrabble and Ludo or even something as whacky as Twister is good fun and as a bonus, it helps show your youthful, fun and quirky side to your spouse.

10. Share your spouse’s hobbies

This is especially meaningful if your spouse knows you are not interested in their hobby, but are making an effort. You don’t have to do it all the time, just sometimes is enough to show you care.

11. Get intimate

We all know intimacy is an important aspect of marriage. It’s more than just physical. It connects you emotionally and spiritually as well – plus each time you do, Allah rewards you for it. So put the candles on, spray on some fragrance and make an effort to look good for your spouse – it will not go un-noticed.

12. Get Nostalgic

Remember when you were newlyweds in the honeymoon period and you thought your spouse was the best thing ever? Re-live those memories by reminding your spouse of some of the good times you had!

13. Try to take a weekend away

If you plan this out properly, you can easily get yourself away for a weekend and it doesn’t have to cost a lot. Choose somewhere quiet and scenic where you can spend time with one another without being distracted by lots of things to ‘do’.

14. Hugging

Hugging is something that many couples don’t engage with – especially if you are already emotionally de-connected with your spouse. Hugging releases powerful hormones called endorphins which boost your mood and act as natural painkillers. Plus, hugging makes you feel special. Hug your spouse daily and be sincere about it – even if they feel ‘resistant’ to it, they will secretly feel much better and in some cases relieved that you hugged them.

15. Flirt with each other

Flirting is easy when you’re a newlywed, but often fades away as the years go by. Flirting with your spouse helps them to feel appreciated, valued and more importantly, strongly signals to them that you still find them very attractive.

16. Send your spouse emails, texts, or other messages

Sending a poem, ‘I love you’ or a simple ‘Missing you’ is a great way to stay connected when apart. This is especially important if your

spouse has to work a lot.

17. Cook a meal together

A fun way to get connected is to cook together AND wash up together at the end of the meal. Not only are you sharing a prime responsibility, but it’s a great way to have a laugh and work as a team at the same time.

18. Read salah together

This is such a beautiful thing to do together. Even though men should read the fard in the mosque, they can absolutely read the sunnah prayers at home with their wife – and this includes qiyaam.

It helps you focus on the end goal of being together in jannah, and helps you appreciate one another so much more.

19. Work out together

Working out is so much fun when you do it together! Seriously, go for a jog, do circuits or take up a couples sport like tennis. We promise it will keep you healthy, active and get you connected together!

20. Say ‘thank you’ and ‘I love you’ often

These are the best words to hear from the one with whom you’ve committed to spend the rest of your life when they are said with sincerity… but sadly they are some of the least-used words in our daily vocabulary when it comes to our spouses.

21. Have a candlelight dinner

Sometimes the best of pleasures are the simple ones. Cook your spouse’s favourite meal and light some candles to create some ambience. Make an effort by wearing nice clothes and smelling nice (not of cooking smells!) and enjoy being together in each other’s company.

22. Hold hands often

If you’ve ever seen an old couple holding hands, you’ll know how special and sweet they look. Now imagine how special and sweet it

would be to hold your spouse’s hand when they are older – so get practising for that time now!

23. Read the Quran together

An absolute essential to help grow together in faith and to strengthen your connection with each other – extra brownie points if you go through the Quran with tafseer and reflect together on the meaning!

24. Memorize the Quran togethe

Your spouse can be a great accountability partner for helping to test you with memorization of the Quran. It doesn’t matter if you learn one line a day, just ensure you do it!

25. Make dua for your spouse

Make dua for your marriage to succeed in this life and the next.

Make dua for your spouse and for you children. Also, be sure to thank Allah daily for the blessing of your spouse and TELL YOUR spouse how much you appreciate them.

27. Give praise often

Praising your spouse for the way they do things is a wonderful gesture and makes your spouse feel loved, valued and most of all, appreciated rather than taken for granted. Be generous of praising one another when they really deserve it – especially for things they do all the time like looking after the home, raising the kids or even putting the rubbish out!

28. Make breakfast in bed

Treat your spouse to a proper special breakfast in bed. Make their favourite foods and present it in a tray with a note to say ‘I love you’.

It’s one of the nicest things you can do for your spouse – especially when you know their mornings are very stressful indeed.

29. Treat your spouse to a pamper night

Treat your spouse to a massage as it’s a wonderful way to show your love and appreciation for them. Plus, this is a brilliant way to

bond with one another. Light some candles and use a nice, fragrant oil to make it extra special.

30. Write a love letter to your spouse

Sometimes it’s so hard to tell your spouse how you feel about them – but it doesn’t have to be! A love letter is the best way to convey your feelings without having to verbally tell them. Plus, your spouse will have an amazing reminder every time they feel upset that you really love them!

So there you have it – 30 ways of showing your spouse you care about them. So where do you start and what do you need to do now? We recommend you start wherever you are most comfortable starting.

If your spouse is a naturally ‘cold’ person, think of all the times you made them happy and try and work around this. So for example, if your spouse loves your food, go that extra mile by having a candle-lit dinner, serving breakfast in bed or baking something really delicious just for them.

Measuring Progress Naturally you want to know whether or not the hard work and effort you put into your spouse is paying off or not. So a good way to gauge this is to keep a daily dairy of your efforts and write down how well your efforts were received.

It doesn’t matter if you feel they are not - the most important thing is to be consistent and NOT TO LOSE HEART if you feel your efforts are being wasted. Remember – you are doing this for the sake of Allah, so put your trust in Allah and keep making dua to soften the heart of your spouse.

Sisters in particular often struggle with brothers who seem off, cold or un-responsive. In this situation, we would always advise of one thing before anything else: have NO expectation from your spouse!

And this goes for brothers who are also taking this challenge for their wives. Always remember that some people are less open to receiving good than others and it doesn’t necessarily mean they don’t love you if you don’t respond. Some people genuinely struggle with showing their spouse how they actually feel.

As a general rule of thumb, men are more likely to show their appreciation to their spouse by helping with chores, doing practical (and non-romantic) things. This could even be something as simple as putting out the rubbish – the most important thing is DO NOT KNOCK your spouse’s efforts to please you if you find it’s not what you expected.

So for example, a sister may be sick and her husband will clean up the house, take care of the kids and cook rather than be a sympathetic ear to his wife, hug her or fuss over her (which is what the sister might secretly want).

Similarly, a brother may want their wife to notice how hard they have been working in the garden and really want their wife to fuss over them, give them time and expect a nice meal. However, their wife might instead give them some words of encouragement and go back

to doing whatever she was doing.

In both these circumstances, the one putting in the effort is expecting a particular outcome but doesn’t quite get what they wanted. Does that mean your spouse doesn’t love or appreciate you? Of course not – it just means they have a different way of showing it.

You shouldn’t try and ‘help the process along’ by fishing for compliments, making sarcastic remarks when they fail to notice what you have done or get upset or angry when they don’t acknowledge your efforts.

So throughout this entire one month process, we recommend you focus on the positive and look at ‘finding the gold’ in your spouse rather than focusing on finding the dirt. We promise this will help shift your perspective in your marriage!

What If Nothing Happens?

Your spouse WILL notice, but if they are they are hard to please or very fussy, be prepared for having to bite your tongue! There’s a well-known saying that a successful marriage is measured by the number of teeth marks in your tongue – and this means being able to stay quiet when all you really want to do is shout! When things are out of sorts in a marriage with deeper troubles and issues, 30 days to love your spouse may well not be enough.

If you find that your spouse is highly resistant to everything you try, this is an indication that there is a deeper underlying issue which needs resolving. In this case, you need to find ways of addressing the issue and the root cause directly. If you don’t, all you would be doing is trying to sugar coat the truth as to why you cannot get along.

Resolving deeper marital conflicts require dedication, love, support and persistence in wanting to make the marriage work. Notice we said ‘wanting’ and not ‘needing’ – this is because needing something doesn’t mean things will work out. Wanting something with a passion is an entirely different thing.

Loving your spouse and trying to reconnect with them when you have issues in your marriage is a step in the right direction and helps make the process easier. However, it is not the fix for serious conflict and may mean having to invest time in marriage counselling.

In the end, your marriage is as good as the effort of BOTH you and your partner. You can’t make something work if a) you don’t want it deep down and b) your spouse doesn’t want it. Marriage is a collective effort and can only succeed when you have two people looking in the same direction and wanting to be on the journey together.

If you feel that despite your best efforts, your spouse is completely unresponsive, then rather than blaming them for everything, turn TO Allah and ask Him to help you and guide you in the right direction.

Talk to your spouse and if you feel you can’t, write it down. Get professional help to resolve the issues at hand and Insha’Allah, you will be well on your way to healing your marriage.

Conclusion So you’ve made it through the challenge!

How was it for you? What did you notice about your relationship with your spouse? Were you happier, more content and calmer with one another? How did your spouse react to the new more loving self?

The ‘30 Days To Re-connect With Your Spouse’ challenge was primarily created to help you and your spouse strengthen your marriage through love and support. After all, a connected, loving marriage encourages and inspires you and your spouse to be the best you can be and fosters an environment of peacefulness and productivity.

A connected and loving marriage provides the backdrop for raising happy, balanced and righteous children. Not only this, but it teaches your children from an early stage about love and respect for other people. It guides them to become confident, productive members of the community, and ultimately helps them to become good spouses themselves when they get older.

Use the challenge as the start to helping you get well on the way to building a happier home with your spouse. Insha’Allah with lots of time, effort, patience and dua, you really can have a more loving and connected marriage… And if you loved this challenge, then keep a lookout in your inbox for more tips, videos, podcasts and more to help you develop a happier marriage! ’30 Days To Re-connect With Your Spouse’ is taken from our upcoming book ‘Marriages Are Made In Heaven’ - Core Secrets Of A Highly Successful Marriage’ which will be released in December 2014 – so keep an eye on your inbox for more details of our book launch!

Pure Matrimony