Home ¢ Benedict Tay is a member of Wesley Methodist Church. / Photo courtesy of Benedict Tay
Finding my worth in
God
(second from right) Benedict Tay
G
by and all I saw was the hopelessness and the mundane life that I thought I now had. There were so many times that I asked myself if I had subconsciously been trying to escape the toughness of army.
Wherever I went I often needed to uphold this image of authority and influence. I would be serious and always maintained an air of confidence. This led me to feel quite disconnected from my friends in school and church.
However, when I was at my lowest point, God began to use the next year of my army life to rebuild me. I began to take pride in doing the small things well. I started to see that despite my rank and position, there was an opportunity to make a positive impact on others.
rowing up, all I could envision myself as was a leader. I had always felt that being a leader was who I was meant to be. From the lower positions of being a class monitor to the highest office of head prefect, I had done it.
However, that image and my confidence started to crumble the moment I entered junior college, where I decided to not run for an executive position in the students’ council. I felt that maybe not being in a leadership position would allow me to learn more about humility and feel more connected with those around me. But I was so wrong, as this marked the beginning of four-year downward spiral. Without a high position and influence, I started to feel helpless and lost. I was repeatedly mocked and I became very selfconscious. It did not help that I was at the bottom of the level academically. There were many times where I felt like I was a failure and doubted everything I wrote, spoke or did. Things got a little better when I started serving in the army where I was given the opportunity to enter Officer Cadet School. This brought back a lot of my confidence. However, I had to leave the course halfway due to a back injury. I could not let go of the fact that I had failed to be an officer. I was angry and disappointed with myself. Each day went
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METHODIST MESSAGE DECEMBER 2020
I began to understand that I had been trying to fill a hole in my heart with things that made me feel good about myself. I had been so busy trying to impress my family, friends and others that I could not see that all I needed to do was to love God and allow God to fill that big hole in my heart. I had been seeking to fill that hole with treasures of this earth but all God cared about was how much I choose to seek him and love Him. While sometimes I still experience frustration and selfdoubt, I am continually humbled and blessed by God to be able to connect with other members of church in this season where many may be feeling isolated. I have been led by God to currently serve as a programme coordinator with the youth ministry at Wesley Methodist Church. I work with a team of young adult volunteers that have come together to help the church with IT-related issues, and to assist members to join online services, ministry or small group meetings. Thus far, it has been a fruitful and exciting experience of learning new ways to do God’s work in this COVID-19 season.
