Methodist Message: November 2023

Ten myths about marriage, according to a marital therapist Back to the garden: David & Amy Ang share their marriage journey Marriage: Contract or Covenant?

MCI (P) 013/11/2023

Vol 125 No 11 NOVEMBER 2023

Contents

/ Bishop’s Message /

Editorial Board Adviser and Publisher

/ News /

Dr Anthony Goh Chairperson, Council on Communications

3 One in Christ:

CityAlight Worship Night and Workshops

Communications Manager Lynn Tan

5 The start of greater things:

Ang Mo Kio Methodist Church's 45th Anniversary

Managing Editor Alvin Tay

8 Cairnhill MC celebrates

Editor

25th Anniversary with eyes set on Tengah

Lianne Ong

11 Methodist Co-op ceases operations

Communications Executive

and donates $1M to MSF and TTC

Kathrynn Koh

12 A Special Alleluia:

Sub-editors Lucy Cheng Janice Khoo Tan Chiu Ai Elliot Soh

Inclusive worship for all abilities

Proofreaders

15 Ten marriage myths you may have fallen for

Kenneth Lee Christabel Tan

19 Back to the garden:

/ Feature /

Growing with your spouse

/ Opinion / 24 Soundings:

Marriage—Contract or Covenant?

The official monthly publication of The Methodist Church in Singapore. Published material does not necessarily reflect the official view of The Methodist Church. All Scripture quoted is based on the English Standard Version unless otherwise stated.

35 Book Review:

Bringing hospitality to places

/ Outreach / 26 Online counselling helped her overcome the grief of divorce

70 Barker Road #06-04 Singapore 309936

29 Serving in the mission field with your spouse

6478-4793 | 6478-4763

/ Relationships /

methodist.org.sg/message www.methodist.org.sg

30 At The Well

communications@methodist. org.sg

/ People /

fb.com/Methodist.SG

37 I have a place in God's plan

@methodist.sg @methodistsg Have something to say or share?

Email us at

communications@methodist.org.sg Layout by Londonbob Design Printed by Adred Creation Print Pte Ltd

Errata The October 2023 instalment of At The Well wrongly attributed the response for "A more hands-on husband in the home please" to Rev Tay Li Ping. The response was actually written by Ms Koh Ai Jin.

Love or nothing ... But (if I) have not love, I am nothing ...

Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never ends.

1 Corinthians 13:2-8

T

hese Bible verses on love are often

then I am without love, and without love, I

read at wedding ceremonies. But these

am nothing.

powerful words of love were not originally spoken to a couple standing hand in hand

Since most, if not all, husbands and wives

in an idyllic wedding setting surrounded

manage to find occasions for debate

by smiling family and friends. They were

or disagreement, perhaps these Bible

addressed to church leaders arguing in an

verses on love are indeed appropriate for

unloving manner over who or what was

a married couple to hear. But they should

most important and most needed in their

be heard, and heeded, not only during the

church. Are prophets, preachers, praise

idyllic peaceful setting of a wedding chapel,

singers, philosophers or philanthropists

but more importantly, and most often, in

most needed? And the apostle Paul's

the less idyllic times when couples debate

answer then was clear: whatever you

and disagree on what is most needed for

think is the right answer is of little or no

their marriage and their children. Married

significance if you are not showing love to

couples (and church leaders) need to

one another. If my debate with you lacks

practise the love described here in the

patience and kindness, if my points are

Bible which is "patient and kind ... not

argued with arrogance and disrespectful

arrogant or rude …" for without which, they

barbs, insisting on my way or no other way,

would be "nothing".

November 2023 Methodist Message 1

2 Methodist Message November 2023

News

(left) CityAlight Worship Night (right top) Various members of CityAlight's team took turns to lead worship (right bottom) Rich Thompson, songwriter and cofounder of CityAlight

By TRAC Board of Worship and Music (TRAC BOWM). / Photos courtesy of TRAC BOWM

One in Christ TRAC, ARPC and RHC collaborate to hold worship concert and workshops by CityAlight

W

orship band CityAlight was in

aspects of worship and music. BOWM

Singapore for a one-night only

had wanted to inspire and encourage the

Worship Night, "One in Christ", on 30

worship and music ministries of TRAC

September 2023 at The Star Theatre. The

churches with the ethos of CityAlight's

Worship Night, and Workshops held on

ministry, especially in songwriting.

the Sunday after, were co-organised by Trinity Annual Conference (TRAC), Adam

"When the opportunity to partner ARPC and

Road Presbyterian Church (ARPC) and

RHC arose to host CityAlight for the event

Redemption Hill Church (RHC).

(in lieu of the In Deep Worship Conference), we were glad to team up with them to

CityAlight, the worship band of St Paul's

bless the Church in Singapore," said Rev

Anglican Church Castle Hill in Sydney,

Benjamin Fong of Barker Road Methodist

Australia, is known for producing music

Church (BRMC).

with simple melodies and biblically rich lyrics. The TRAC Board of Worship and

TRAC was responsible for hosting the

Music (BOWM) was in the process of inviting

CityAlight team and extending hospitality

CityAlight for the annual In Deep Worship

to them over their three days in Singapore.

Conference this year when they learnt that

In addition, TRAC had the responsibility

CityAlight was already planning to come

of designing, planning and implementing

to Singapore in September. TRAC BOWM's

the set design which included a plant and

In Deep Worship Conference is an annual

floral installation. About 15 ladies from the

event to gather all who are involved in the

combined floral teams of BRMC and Holland

worship life of our local churches to learn,

Village Methodist Church (HVMC) arranged

be inspired, and be equipped in different

the floral installation for the stage at the November 2023 Methodist Message 3

One in Christ

For the Worship Night, presale tickets allocated for TRAC were sold out within 24 hours. For the Workshops, an estimated 120 participants (about a third of the total) were from Methodist churches, many of whom were serving in their respective church's Worship & Music ministries. The Workshops were divided into four tracks—for musicians, Worship Night, a familiar Methodist practice

song writers, worship leaders and audio-

of floral arrangements as an expression of

visual crew.

worship. BRMC was also the venue and host for the Workshops which took place on the

One such participant was Anthony Peh,

following day.

Worship & Music Chairperson of Living Hope Methodist Church. "I was immensely warmed

"The team from CityAlight was very

by the Worship Night, which was incredibly

authentic and humble in their interactions

genuine. The CityAlight team share their

with us. They took pains to emphasise that

hearts through the lyrics they write, and

they are not celebrities but church folk who

my prayer is that their songs will continue

serve in the worship ministry of their local

to impact the Church in a profound and

church. In fact, on one of the days, even

personal way."

though we catered a nice buffet spread for them for lunch, they were quite happy with

Ethan Mok, the Youth Ministry Worship

McDonalds!" said Rev Jeremy Ong of HVMC.

Service Head at Wesley Methodist Church, said, "The Worship Night was refreshing

"We were asked to help prepare a surprise

because CityAlight and the pastors didn't

for one of the younger team members

focus on emotions or experiences, but on

from CityAlight whose birthday fell on the

truthful God-centred worship."

same day as the Worship Night. When they surprised him just before the Worship Night

Another participant, Michael Lau, Pastoral

over dinner, we could feel such genuine

Team Staff (Worship & Music) at BRMC said,

warmth and love from the team members

"I am inspired to help BRMC set up a song

for one another," Rev Ong added.

writing team within the worship ministry!"

4 Methodist Message November 2023

(top left) Pastorin-charge of Wesley Methodist Church, Rev Raymond Fong, with TRAC President Rev Stanley Chua (bottom left) CityAlight Workshop held at Barker Road Methodist Church (bottom right) Floral arrangement team at work

News

By Ang Mo Kio Methodist Church (AMKMC) Communications Team. / Photos courtesy of AMKMC

The start of greater things A year of Mission with the Master

Group photo of all attendees in the Sanctuary

A

ng Mo Kio Methodist Church (AMKMC)

with the Master". To mark our 45th

began as the quintessential house

Anniversary this year, a celebratory worship

church when around 35 people congregated

service was held on 1 October 2023 along

at a rented semi-detached dwelling at 24

with three major church-wide outreach

Mayflower Rise to worship God in January

events involving the AMK community:

1977. After several uneasy months dogged

Easter Bread Community Distribution,

by complaints and other challenges, the

which took place in April; Funtastic Fiesta

congregation had to move to an alternate

Funfair in September; and an upcoming

worship location before making a permanent

Christmas Cheer in December. Each event

shift to our present site. Our first worship

was assigned to a committee chaired by an

service at 1 Ang Mo Kio Street 21 was on 5

Associate Lay Leader but their resounding

April 1981. To meet the needs of the growing

success could not have been achieved

church, a rebuilding project in 2012 saw the

without the participation of so many

old building torn down and replaced by the

more: Zone leaders, cell group leaders, cell

church standing there today.

group members and even non-cell group volunteers who answered the call.

45 years since our constitution, the mustard seed of our church is now a deeply rooted

Over 400 people helped in the first main

tree spreading its ministering branches over

celebratory event, the Easter Bread

the neighbourhood and beyond. Moving

Community Distribution on 1 April 2023.

ahead in faith, AMKMC trusts that God, as

They went forth like the apostles of old in

Jehovah Jireh ("The Lord will provide"), will

Jesus' feeding of the 5,000, to bless the AMK

continue to lead us to our destiny of being a

community by distributing bread and at the

Methodist family after God's heart.

same time invite them to AMKMC's Easter

AMKMC's theme for 2023/2024 is "Mission

services. Mr Louis Loke, Associate Lay Leader

November 2023 Methodist Message 5

The start of greater things

overseeing this event, said, "Our intent this

people of all ages turned up! From sand art,

year is to bless the AMK community around

bouncy castles, giant Jenga and bowling to

us as we have been blessed, hence this

tug-of-war and adrenaline-fueled Laser Tag

event. 'Mission with the Master' reminds me

battles, there was something for everyone

that God is with us as we do his work."

to enjoy. Even more, there were a variety of activities—including live performances, face

When asked what "Mission with the Master"

painting, balloon sculpting and interactive

meant to them, AMKMC youths were no less

booths, and of course, food stalls aplenty

perceptive. One said, "It means stepping

(fully halal)—that ensured a truly memorable

up when God calls on me to serve", while

experience for all. To top it all off were the

another said, "One can start by first imitating

mesmerising magic shows which attracted

Jesus' compassion … helping people that

huge crowds of adults and children alike. In

our heart already empathises with or grows

one segment of the show, there was a quiz

to empathise with …" The outward-looking

with prizes, and in another, Rev Koh Chew

perspective was echoed with comments

Hai of Ang Mo Kio Chinese Methodist Church

like, "I thank God for the opportunity to

shared his testimony of God’s transforming

deepen my friendship with one of the tuition

power to a captivated audience.

ministry youths over the past two years through catch-up sessions over food and

Much more than plentiful entertainment,

games and most recently, inviting her for our

the funfair was a great chance for the church

church funfair."

to extend our welcome with open arms and loving hearts, allowing non-worshippers an

The Funtastic Fiesta Funfair certainly

opportunity to witness the warmth, support,

delivered on the promise of its name! The

and faith that defines the AMKMC family.

funfair was not only for church worshippers; the invitation went out to friends and family

For Mr Calvin Lim, the Associate Lay

members as well as people in the AMK

Leader overseeing the funfair, "Mission

community to stop by and enjoy the funfair

with the Master" brings to mind the Great

for free. And come they did, more than 2,000

Commission (Matthew 28:18-20). "It's not for

(left) Worshippers join in the dance item, ALIVE, led by the Dance Ministry (right) A magic show for young and old

6 Methodist Message November 2023

(top) Cake cutting on stage; from left to right, Rev Lee Yam Kai, Rev Anthony Lee, Mr Poh Leong Berg, Mr Thomas Tan, Mr Henry Tan, Rev Stanley Chua, Dr CheahFoo Fung Fong, Mrs Audrey Heng, Rev Reuben Ng, Mr Liaw Chun Huan and Rev Emanuel Goh

a select few gung-ho Christians nor is it only for those called to full time ministry. [It's] his mandate to every Christian … We tried to demonstrate this in this funfair. The project was so extensive that every cell group and every possible member had to help … in this act of service and faith unto the Lord."

AMKMC's 45th Anniversary celebratory worship service on 1 October 2023 was graced by TRAC President, Rev Stanley Chua, whose sermon "Don't Grow To Be An Old Fool!" referenced Scripture in 2 Chronicles 26:1-21; 1 Kings 2:8-9; 1 Kings 11:9-11.

The church's District Superintendent Rev Reuben Ng, TRAC Vice President Dr Cheah-

(middle and bottom) Easter Bread Community Distribution

Foo Fung Fong, TRAC Lay Leader Mr Henry Tan and TRAC Associate Lay Leaders Mr Liaw Chun Huan and Mr Poh Leong Berg were also present.

Many congregants came for the anniversary service decked out in our 45th Anniversary T-shirts, given out to congregants to commemorate AMKMC's anniversary. The 45th Anniversary logo shows 45 geometric building blocks of different shapes, sizes and colours to represent each of the remarkable years of the church's existence.

Truly God has been faithful and good to AMKMC all these years but may this year of "Mission with the Master" be, in the words of AMKMC's Pastor-in-Charge Rev Anthony Lee, "the start of even greater things to come".

November 2023 Methodist Message 7

Melody Leong is a Preacher at Cairnhill Methodist Church. / Photos courtesy of Cairnhill Methodist Church

Cairnhill MC celebrates 25th Anniversary with eyes set on Tengah

I

f one were to recall Cairnhill Methodist Church (CaMC) in its pioneering days, there would be fond memories of the excitement of forming a new outreach point and establishing new relationships with her neighbours. Now 25 years later, we celebrated this milestone birthday with our eyes set on an even bigger target—ACS Tengah.

On 9 Feb 2023, it was announced that ACS (Primary) would be moving to new premises at Tengah in 2030 and become a co-ed school. ACS (Junior), which is currently operating at Winstedt Road, would eventually move to the Barker Road campus.

This would have implications on CaMC's future location as it is currently located on the same premises as ACS (Junior). It became clear that CaMC had to contemplate its future prayerfully.

In May 2023, CaMC discerned the Lord's calling and direction to continue its mission field of a school and take on the challenge of being a Christian witness in a new town. The new ACS school at Tengah would have its first batch of students in 2030 and CaMC has plans to move to Tengah with ACS (Primary) in the same year.

8 Methodist Message November 2023

At the Anniversary worship service, which was attended by 300 church members, leaders from TRAC and friends, TRAC President Rev Stanley Chua exhorted CaMC to summon "the faith that moves mountains" even as she embraces another pioneering phase at Tengah. We were challenged as a church to see the power of God at work through believing prayers.

A prayer drive (as opposed to a walk) at the site of the new town in Tengah took place after the service. The sounding of two shofars signalled the start of the drive which saw TRAC President and the Pastor-in-Charge of CaMC, Rev Dr William Sam, leading the way. As one, we prayed in our individual vehicles along the given route and gathered at a spot offering prayers of blessings and intercessions. "We have surveyed Tengah on our 25th anniversary. May we declare as Caleb did: Now therefore give me this mountain!" said Rev Dr Sam, referencing Joshua 14:12a.

It was a good time celebrating God's faithfulness and anticipating our new mission. God has led CaMC to come this far from our humble beginnings in 1998. Tengah is now before us!

The Cairnhill Methodist Church family

(top left) TRAC President Rev Stanley Chua giving the benediction at the 25th Anniversary Lunch at Yan Palace (top left bottom) Matthew Visuvasan and Wilson Yeo flagging off the prayer drive with their shofars (top right) Cake-cutting moment.

From left: Rev Ling Kin Yew, Rev Dr William Sam, Mr Henry Tan, Rev Stanley Chua, Audrey Wong, Dr CheahFoo Fung Fong, Chan Ming Thai and Simon Ng (top right bottom) Prayer drive at Tengah new town

STATEMENT FROM

THE COUNCIL OF PRESIDENTS

R

egarding the projected move of one of the ACS primary schools to Tengah new town in 2031, the Council of Presidents* agreed that it would be right to ask the local church

situated at the Winstedt Road campus (i.e. Cairnhill Methodist Church or CaMC) if they felt led to move with the ACS school as the "anchor" church in the new location.

After CaMC's LCEC meeting on 2 May, they said, "We have sought the Lord through much prayer and heard his call for Cairnhill Methodist Church to go to Tengah to plant a Christian witness, to be a welcoming faith community to those residing in the new town, and to continue the work of making God known to the students of ACS (Primary)." The Council of Presidents are in favour of this move and have informed the General Conference Executive Council on 10 July.

Please pray with CaMC as they continue to think through the implications of such a move.

The Presidents will lead the discussion with CaMC and other local churches as to which of our churches or congregations may be called to carry on the school ministry at the Winstedt Road campus (when CaMC moves out) until 2039.

* The Council of Presidents comprises the Bishop of The Methodist Church in Singapore, and the respective Presidents of the Trinity Annual Conference, Chinese Annual Conference and Emmanuel Tamil Annual Conference.

November 2023 Methodist Message 9

News

Lianne Ong is the Editor of Methodist Message. / Photo courtesy of Kathrynn Koh

Methodist Co-op ceases operations and donates $1M to MSF and TTC

Cheques amounting to $1M were presented to MSF and TTC; From left to right, Mr Albert Ng Yew Tong, Mrs Sim SuhTing, Rev Dr Edmund Fong, Dr Lim Teck Peng, Bishop Dr Gordon Wong, Mr Thangaraju Moses, Mr Vernon Kang, Mr John Cheong, Rev Ho Yu Choy and Rev Paul Nga

A

fter 28 years of ministry, the Methodist

Ting and Mr Albert Ng Yew Tong, while TTC

Co-operative Society Ltd (MCSL) has

was represented by its Academic Dean, Dr

ceased operations.

Lim Teck Peng and Dean of Students, Rev Dr Edmund Fong. Bishop Dr Gordon Wong

At their Annual General Meeting and

and board members of MCSL, Rev Paul Nga,

Extraordinary General Meeting in August

Rev Ho Yu Choy, Mr Vernon Kang and Mr

2022, members of the MCSL board decided

Thangaraju Moses, were also present.

it was time to dissolve the Co-operative.

With the remaining funds in the reserve,

Bishop Dr Gordon Wong, who sits on the

a final donation was made to two other

boards of both MSF and TTC, expressed his

Methodist-related organisations, namely,

thanks for the generous donations. Bishop

Methodist Schools' Foundation (MSF) and

Dr Wong also thanked the MCSL team of

Trinity Theological College (TTC), with each

volunteers for their dedication and hard

receiving $500,000. Hosanna Bereavement

work over the past 28 years.

Services, once part of the Co-operative, was sold to members of its incumbent

MCSL, formed on 25 July 1995, was registered

team, and will continue its operations as an

with the Registrar of Co-operative Societies,

independent enterprise.

and reported to the Ministry of Culture, Community and Youth (MCCY).

The donations were presented to representatives of MSF and TTC on 25 September 2023 by Mr John Cheong, Chairperson of MCSL. Representing MSF were members of the board, Mrs Sim Suh-

For more information on the dissolution of MCSL, please visit

https://www.methodistcoop.org.sg/ November 2023 Methodist Message 11

Tan Yan An is an English student at Nanyang Technological University and worships at Queenstown Chinese Methodist Church. / Photos courtesy of Moses Goh and Methodist School of Music

A Special Alleluia Inclusive worship for all abilities

O

n 9 September, worshippers from

"This marks our first inclusive and

several churches came together at

intergenerational worship event, a

Pentecost Methodist Church for the event,

milestone we are tremendously excited

The Faith We Sing: A Special Alleluia. It was

about. We stand committed to the ideals of

designed to be inclusive and welcomed

inclusivity and intergenerational unity, and

people from different generations and

we are eager to pave the way for more such

abilities. Parents could bring their children

transformative gatherings in the future,"

with special needs, and those who required

Dr Judith Laoyan-Mosomos, Director of

physical assistance could attend as well.

Worship & Church Music at MSM, said.

The participants included members of Trinity, Barker Road and Wesley Methodist

The inclusive nature of the event meant

Churches, and members from other

that the event was designed with careful

denominations such as Covenant Vision,

thought to logistics, such as the choice

Bethesda Bedok-Tampines Church and

of spaces used, event management

Bethel Assembly of God Church.

and pamphlet design. Quiet rooms for decompression were demarcated clearly

The Faith We Sing (TFWS) and its series

on both the first and second levels, and

of events is organised by the Methodist

a playground and mini garden were

School of Music (MSM). This edition

available for those who preferred the

showcased 11 original songs, three of which

outdoors. A briefing was held on Zoom a

were intentionally composed for inter-

week prior to the event, which allowed

generational families to sing (with the other

organisers to address concerns of the

eight showcased at a songwriting event

participants. A detailed programme

the night before). Most of the songs were

pamphlet ensured that participants were

composed during the TFWS songwriting

mentally prepared for the programme and

retreat earlier this year.

could feel at ease.

12 Methodist Message November 2023

Participants, facilitators and volunteers at TFWS: A Special Alleluia

The day kicked off with a craft session.

training both abroad and in Singapore. He

Parents and children could design a shaker,

highlighted the importance of posture while

a rainbow wand or a ring banner. The

singing, and the need to maximise each

children worked enthusiastically with their

person's comfortable range through vocal

parents to form their own creations that

stretching, breathing and strengthening

would accompany them throughout the day.

exercises. The entire session felt lively and rousing as the audience followed along with

During the worship segment, a flexible

the various exercises and practiced the art

seating plan was adopted. The slides

of singing together.

featured visual aids in the form of cards to cue the children to look, listen, sing or pray.

Mrs Ann Palaruan, an experienced liturgical

Amelia Leo, Programme Executive at MSM,

choreographer, was the facilitator for

said that these visual aids were deliberately

Movements of Praise. Families were taught

included so that children with autism or

a dance sequence that included a chain

intellectual disability could follow along

dance and some basic choreography. The

more easily. Children were also provided

former involved a bit of coordination as

with an A6-sized checklist so that they could

each family unit would hold either the left

follow along and tick off the events as the

or right hand of the person on their right

day progressed. They were also allowed to

and exchange places with them. Initially,

move about the hall, as long as it was near

the participants were hesitant, but over

the seating area.

time, the participants understood and were beaming with enthusiasm as they executed

However, the inclusive atmosphere was

their dance.

largely dependent on the participants themselves. House rules were set to keep a safe and inclusive environment for every participant. There were also biblical reminders that we are all members of one body (1 Corinthians 12:12-20) and to look to the interests of others (Philippians 2:34), which was echoed in the theme song, "Different, Yet Family", sung at the close of worship. Mrs Laureen Ong, who serves on the GC-WSCS ExCo and was the speaker during worship, added, "Each member is

Special Praises workshop by Ms Tham Pei Wen

given a spiritual gift to play a vital role in

Special Praises was a workshop designed for

helping one another to grow and love each

families with special needs, where Ms Tham

other in Christ."

Pei Wen, a music curriculum specialist and choral conductor, taught the choreography

Following the worship segment were three

to the song "I've Got Peace Like A River".

different tracks which participants could choose from: Sounds of Praise, Movements

The event concluded with The Big Sing

of Praise and Special Praises.

where participants from each workshop displayed what they had practised. The

At Sounds of Praise, Dr Eudenice Palaruan

singing group led with the first few lines

taught the fundamentals of singing and

and the chorus of "Different, Yet Family"

worshipping together, while bringing in

while the dancing group executed the

entertaining anecdotes of his chorister

dance steps they learnt to the music. It November 2023 Methodist Message 13

A Special Alleluia

was heartening to see the singing and the dancing groups complementing each other with their voices and actions, respectively.

Posh Lim, a worshipper from Wesley Methodist Church, attended the event with her four children, two of whom have special needs. She said, "My children had the chance to experience a typical service. The flexible seating during the music workshop allowed for people to intermingle and my son (who has autism) could move around freely."

Beyond children with special needs, the event also catered to multi-generational families. "I was pleasantly surprised and

Movements of Praise workshop by Mrs Ann Palaruan

heartened to see the young children interacting with those from the older

Despite being wheelchair bound, Anne

generation," said Juliana Nguan, 54, who

could participate in the dance (using her

brought her 88-year-old mother, Anne Low.

hands) during The Big Sing!

14 Methodist Message November 2023

Feature

Benny Bong has over 40 years of experience as a therapist, counsellor and trainer.

He also conducts regular talks and webinars. Benny has helmed the You & Your Family column for more than 16 years and is a member of Kampong Kapor Methodist Church.

Ten marriage myths you may have fallen for supported by the rising divorce rate as well as more people choosing to remain single.

The truth is probably somewhere in the middle—marriage is neither a cause nor a guarantee of marital happiness or distress.

Being married does not make one live happily ever after but it is how one lives out the marriage that matters.

 You complete me.

This idea is probably fuelled by a single person looking for a "better half" who satisfies some of their unmet needs. The thinking here is that if being alone makes me feel lonely, then having a companion meets my needs.

Even if it may be true that a spouse can

F

satisfy or complement us, does this mean ake news has become so prevalent that

that a person is somehow incomplete or

even reputable news outlets must check

even inferior in some way? Individuals with

their sources and their sources' sources.

such a view may become overly dependent

Some falsehoods, however, are hard to

on their spouses. Their spouses may feel

uncover as they may contain a grain of truth,

burdened with a life of caring for the other.

seem rather logical or may long have been taken as truth. I call them myths. Over my

I hope that individuals entering marriage

decades as a marriage counsellor, I have

are complete and confident in themselves,

uncovered some marital myths.

knowing what they have to offer the other

 And they lived happily ever after.

An age-old myth is that marital bliss

and yet be willing to work together for a new level of happiness as a couple.

automatically follows the wedding. It is the

 How difficult can it be?

stuff of ancient fairy tales and some modern

Although seldom voiced as how people view

romantic Korean dramas. I daresay few

marriage, this attitude is often reflected

would fall for it nowadays, but it has been

by how casually some couples prepare for

reported that there is a positive correlation

their marriage. Many spend weeks and

between marriage and happiness.

months meticulously planning every detail of the wedding day, but often gloss over

I fear, though, that the notion of "happily

preparing for a lifetime together. Finding

ever after" is being replaced by another that

our way through marriage does not happen

marriage ultimately leads to disappointment,

naturally—it takes careful consideration and

hardship and heartache. This observation is

preparation.

November 2023 Methodist Message 15

Ten marriage myths you may have fallen for

That said, more couples now enrol

(Eph 4:26). Whilst the intent may be

themselves for marriage preparation

good, trying to resolve differences

courses which cover topics to help couples

hastily may not be a good idea. I have

acquire essential knowledge and skills

heard of couples arguing into the wee

for their lives together. The sceptic in

hours although no resolution or

me cannot help but wonder how much

compromise is in sight as both refuse

actually gets through, especially since so

to give in.

much important material is crammed into a short period of time and the couples

For those who have the habit of

may be preoccupied with intense wedding

sweeping conflicts under the

preparations. Do they take time to deeply

carpet, a good practice is to do

consider some of the questions around their

some spring cleaning occasionally.

concerns, hopes and dreams for their future?

Parties should not bear grudges

 Problems should be solved as quickly

over past feuds. They can either dunk it into the rubbish bin (i.e. drop

as possible.

it and move on) or, if the differences

This may not seem like a marital myth

cannot be set aside, they should

since it sounds like good advice not to

then agree on a date and time to

allow unresolved conflicts to simmer.

discuss and attempt to resolve their

Others may point to the verse "do not

differences in a well-paced and

let the sun go down on your anger"

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 And the two shall become one.

 Children come first.

These words are often expressed during

Whilst we recognise that it is the

the wedding ceremony. However, they do

responsibility of parents to care for their

not reflect the reality, that two families—

dependent children, this act of care should

with their separate histories, customs and

not go overboard without consideration of

traditions—are also being merged into one

the parents' needs and wants.

couple.

Parents should also take care to look after We all bring along habits and traits from

themselves and their marital relationship.

our families of origin. That is why we have

I am all for parents having date nights

sayings like, "The apple does not fall far from

and planning holidays which are not just

the tree" or "He is a chip off the old block."

about amusement parks and fast food but

Couples need to take time to reflect on

also for the parents to enjoy themselves.

what each brings into the marriage and ask

Family happiness is not necessarily a zero-

how they might blend. It is also good to get

sum game, where the children are happy

to know each other's family as best as one

and parents are not. Instead, it is often a

possibly can.

reciprocal situation when the happiness

 Forgive and forget.

and fulfilment of one contributes to the happiness of the other. Being parents does

Being a marriage counsellor often leads to a

not mean that we need to "die to the self" for

jaundiced view of marriage. Take for instance

the children all of the time.

this myth to forgive and forget as a way of handling differences. Whilst we certainly

 Saying "I love you" is unnecessary.

should try to forgive our spouses if we want

"He stopped saying he loves me."

to live peacefully with them, it is often very

"So old, also must say?"

hard to forget. I am not referring to minor annoyances that pepper many relationships,

In many marriages these days there is an

such as leaving the toilet seat up or not

expectation of expressions of affection to be

clearing the rubbish until it spills over.

verbal in nature and declarations of love to be more open. I am reminded of the song "Do

Some hurts run deeper. With such hurts or

you love me?" in the musical The Fiddler on

for individuals with elephant-like memories,

the Roof. The farmer Tevye repeatedly asks

we must have another way of dealing with

his wife, "Do you love me?" After deflecting

them. If memory loss is not the answer, we

what seems to be a foolish question, she

perhaps need other ways of remembering.

answers, "For 25 years I've washed your

One is to remember to recall the good as

clothes, cooked your meals, cleaned your

much as, if not more than, the bad. Some

house ... After 25 years, why talk about love

may call this "counting your blessings".

right now?" And a little later she concludes to herself, "If that's not love, what is?"

Another way is to find the silver lining in each dark cloud. What did you learn from

If it has been some time since you expressed

that dark period? More than one client has

your love and affection to your significant

told me that although they had thought it

other, tarry no more. Most of us long to be

impossible to forgive their spouse's infidelity,

appreciated and loved. Instead of making it

they remained together even years after,

seem like a passing thought (like asking the

both having learnt some hard lessons from

secretary to send flowers to your wife), find

that crisis.

a way that is special and suits both parties.

November 2023 Methodist Message 17

Ten marriage myths you may have fallen for

And if your effusive expressions seem to

As in most changes, a decline in interest in

ring hollow, perhaps it is time to ask if you

sex does not happen overnight nor at the

are truly communicating your feelings or

same time and pace with each other. In

just simply saying words.

addition to the normal gradual loss, health issues and high stress levels can also hasten

 You've changed / You haven't changed.

the reduction in one's libido. When this

For couples who have been together for

happens, this may leave one partner feeling

several years, this myth can take two

unfulfilled and disappointed. The partner

contrasting forms. For the first, some

who rejects the other's advances may also

have the unrealistic expectation that their

feel sad and disappointed with themselves.

spouses should somehow remain the same,

They should talk with each other. It may

particularly in behaviour and temperament,

be that the loss of interest is mutually

through the years. The unexpected

experienced and is not an indication of a loss

discovery of change may leave some feeling

of affection for each other.

somehow hoodwinked into marriage.

Protests like, "You were so patient before

When the loss of interest is unexpected,

and never complained about having to wait

couples should consider seeking medical

for me," or "You were so attentive to my needs

help. Pharmacological avenues may be

and it appeared that I could do no wrong."

available for those who find sex painful or hard to sustain.

In the second situation, parties may be disappointed that despite living together for

Even when physical intimacy wanes, there

many years and constantly giving feedback,

is always a need for emotional intimacy.

their spouses do not seem to heed the call

Whatever their ages, couples can and

for improvement. Statements Iike, "I can't

should keep this area well attended to.

understand how many times I must tell you

Having emotional intimacy can take the

to...." may reflect this frustration.

form of being a confidante, constant companion and close helper. As they stay

The key to a successful marriage is to change

close to each other, they can approach the

together and constantly find ways of staying

autumn years with less apprehension and

connected. Perhaps during courtship, it was

more fulfilment.

tennis that brought the two together and later child-raising and still later travel.

To conclude, do bear in mind that more misconceptions and myths may appear

John Gottman, a renowned professor,

along the marital journey and couples need

psychologist and author, said in his book

to talk through any that might trouble them.

The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work that many conflicts experienced by couples are not resolvable because they are embedded in the personalities of each.

Marriages that last are those that find ways of repairing the cracks that appear. And when repair is not possible, then to grow to accept and tolerate these imperfections.

 Too old for sex.

As couples age, their interests, needs and wants change. One notable area is in their sex life. As seniors' needs become more talked about, we know that there are those in their 60s and 70s who still desire sexual arousal and satisfaction.

18 Methodist Message November 2023

(left) Front row: David and Amy Ang. Back row from left to right: Emmanuel and his fiancée, Faith, Gracia and Isaac (right) David and Amy Ang

Back to the garden Growing with your spouse

W

hen David Ang was 24, he saw a

acknowledge each other's strengths and

photograph of a girl in his friend's

candidly recognise how they themselves

photo album. He was attracted to her and

could have contributed to or harmed their

asked the friend for an introduction, but

relationship through their actions.

nothing happened. One year later, David asked his friend again and this time, the

"We enter into marriage as individuals

latter connected him with Amy Chiang.

and bring into it our own experiences

According to Amy, David fulfilled the one

and assumptions," says Amy. This can

item on her eligibility checklist that was

lead to a mismatch in expectations,

non-negotiable—he had a heart for God's

leading to unhappiness. David and Amy

people. On David's part, he learnt that

encountered seasons of dissonance in

Amy was a deeply prayerful Christian who

their marriage because of this. They

had compassion for the least, the last and

worked determinedly to strengthen their

the lost. Less than two years after their

relationship and speak openly about their

first date, they got married.

lessons learnt, with frequent expressions of affirmation for each other.

From that romantic beginning, David and Amy have grown as individuals and as

Today, David and Amy have been married

a couple over the years as they devoted

for 28 years. They have three children,

themselves to building their marriage. They

Emmanuel, 25, Isaac, 21 and Gracia, 19.

November 2023 Methodist Message 19

Back to the garden

David and Amy share their hard-won lessons on building a strong marriage, speaking at marriage seminars and mentoring couples.

Their seminars go "back to the garden (of

When I first met Amy, I found that she was

Eden)", where God created mankind in a

very prayerful and dependent on God.

family structure, starting with Adam and

We had similar aspirations for God and

Eve. "Both male and female are critical in

for family, and I knew I was serious about

the family structure. I've met a lot of men

having her in my life. We got married in

who were good fathers and prayerful men.

our 20s, about one and a half years after we

But they were not journeying with their

started dating.

wives. Many marriages were under threat because they were not paying attention to

Career-wise, I was doing well. I became

their marriages," says David.

the CEO of a multinational company at a relatively young age. I had to travel a lot for

In addition to these seminars, David also

work. For many years, I served in various roles

volunteers with groups that are focused

in church and as a community volunteer

on building the family unit, such as CAC's

while holding down my job as CEO.

Family Life Board, Methodist Fathers' Movement, Dads for Life and Elijah7000.

I relied on my wife to look after things at home. I love my wife and children but the

David and Amy share about their marriage

time and energy that I was giving my job

journey with Methodist Message, the ups

and my volunteering meant that there was

and downs and lessons learnt along the way.

less time for them. We ended up being

20 Methodist Message November 2023

David and Amy speaking at their marriage workshop, Back to the Garden

busy with our own lives. All the things that

My priorities shifted. I withdrew from the

we did were of value and contributing

MBA programme that I was pursuing for

in one way or another—my job as CEO

work and intentionally slowed my career

provided for us financially and I was serving

progression for my family's sake. I made the

in church and the community; Amy was

decision to leave my corporate job to focus

looking after the home and the children.

on my family. In the year following that, I

But we were not working together. That

worked to repair my family relationships.

communication and connection was not as

There was a financial impact from the loss

strong as it could have been.

of income, but Amy saw that she would receive more marital support if I left my

I did not realise at first that Amy was

job. We were prepared to live a simpler life

struggling singlehandedly at home because

in exchange for stronger family ties.

of my absences. She was and still is very capable, and is able to do many things by

Amy had always been supportive of me

herself. However, as a woman, she would

but I knew that we did not have a very

have appreciated her husband's support

emotionally intimate relationship at the

and this was something that I overlooked.

time. She would be busy with the household and I would be busy with my work, ministry

At one point, Amy told me that she had grown more used to me being away than at home.

That broke my heart.

We did have tense moments, such as when I returned from a business trip and went off again for a church meeting or community work. Amy tried to be understanding but sometimes the emotions would surface. It was important that we could be vulnerable and real to each other. We also had disagreements arising from our parenting styles. I would find her approach too harsh for my liking, and I would compensate for it, perhaps undermining her. Or I would confront an issue with the children present but do so without tact or diplomacy, making her look bad.

The turning point came when my eldest child, Emmanuel, who was 10 at the time, saw me return from a business trip on a Friday night, only to plan to attend a meeting in church the very next morning, which was when we usually scheduled family activities. He asked Amy why Daddy had "abandoned" them again. I realised then that something had to change.

and community work. It was a blindspot for me. After I quit my job at the MNC, I joined my family business. There was some income but nowhere near what I was earning as CEO. It was an extremely tough time for us financially but I had more time for my family and we built strong emotional ties with our children. I believe that my strengthened relationship with Amy contributed to our children's emotional health.

Over the years, Amy and I attended many Christian programmes together and as we grew as a couple, we also became equipped to help others. These include Fatherheart Singapore to Dr Michelle Strydom's teachings on healing and deliverance, among others. Together, we now minister to singles and couples who are navigating their own relationships. In the marketplace, I mentor entrepreneurs and journey with them by sharing my corporate know-how.

In 2019, Amy and I set up iPGA (International Professional Guardian Agency), a business that provides guardianship to international students. This allowed us to serve a need in the community, generate income and, more importantly, work together. Through this, I discovered that Amy has the makings of a CEO, with her strategic flair, clear thinking and organisational skills. She basically runs the show and I support her in her position as CEO. November 2023 Methodist Message 21

Back to the garden

I did my best to raise my kids but my I was drawn to David because he is generous with his love. I came from a traditional Asian family where we were more reticent with our emotions. David, on the other hand, expresses himself unstintingly. Even after 28 years of marriage, he still lavishes me with praise, from how well I spoke during a sharing session to the way I look, and even complimenting the dinner that I prepared. This makes me feel loved and cherished.

As an extrovert, David genuinely loves to connect with people. It is a good thing but sometimes I resented it because it felt like I needed to share him with others. In the early years of our marriage, there were times when I felt like he could have spent more time with the children and me, if only he had not given that time to others. I did not need his attention all the time but I would have appreciated practical support in parenting on some occasions. Initially, we could not find a balance and there was some conflict.

I was unable to articulate my need for support. I wanted to be a good Christian wife and support my husband, particularly when he served in church.

frustration would eventually surface.

David would finally realise something was wrong and sit me down to work things out. Sometimes, I would bring up issues accumulated from a few weeks before. I learnt to voice my concerns openly and immediately. On his part, David learnt to be more sensitive to my needs and address them before it all accumulated.

Communication was one area I worked on.

My parents did not express love outwardly. I assumed what worked for my parents would work for me. Prior to becoming a stay-athome mum, I was a teacher. The language I used with David was instructional rather than loving and it was a huge struggle for me to adjust because I had not heard words used lovingly when I was growing up. This caused some friction between us. Words are not my love language, but they are David's. I would think, "You know I love you, so why do I have to say it?" But hearing those words are very important to the recipient. I have learnt that it is not enough that he knows that I love him. I have to speak his love language so that his emotional tank is filled. For his sake, even though I was not comfortable with it at first, I learnt to step out of my comfort zone and express my love with words.

Senior Manager

Property Administration To apply and view other Employment Opportunities at MCS, visit https://www.methodist.org. sg/contact-us/mcs-employmentopportunities/ Alternatively, send your resume to hr@methodist.org.sg

David is a proactive person. If we quarrel, he will want to address it immediately and analyse why we disagreed so that the quarrel is not left unresolved. In contrast, I need time and space to process the issue, to pray so that I can talk about things in a calm way instead of saying things I regret.

I can take up to a week to think through an issue. This was a source of tension between us at first.

He thought that I was not interested in resolving the conflict to build our relationship.

I thought that he did not value my opinion and was rushing me without giving me time to think. We have since learnt to compromise.

David does not demand an immediate resolution to disagreements and I have learnt to speed up my thinking process. He reminds me not to take too long and I try to verbalise my thoughts so that he knows that I am still working on the issue in my head. It's an ongoing communication process between us.

Today, David and I work together on iPGA and it is fantastic working with my husband. We each have a clear role and use our respective complementary strengths to develop the business, which grew out of a ministry to international students studying in Singapore.

On the ministry side of things, we team up to share about marriage and family life with other couples. He constantly encourages me to reach my potential and gives me opportunities to do so, while affirming me at the same time.

We have matured as individuals, as a couple and as parents. When we encounter roadblocks at work, we pray together. During the worst of the pandemic in 2020, the borders closed and our business suffered. We supported each other during this tough period and our marriage grew stronger as a result. God was with us and in fact, after the pandemic, God not only restored our lost income, but gave us new business opportunities.

November 2023 Methodist Message 23

Soundings

Marriage:

Contract or Coven

S

ant?

ince the sexual revolution, which burst

or wife can file a simple suit for divorce.

onto the scene in Western societies during

There is no requirement for either party to

the 1960s, the traditional understanding of

attribute fault for the marital union to be

marriage has fallen out of favour and many

dissolved. That would largely explain why the

alternatives have been proffered.

contractual model of marriage has given rise to the phenomenon of no-fault divorces.

One of these alternatives is cohabitation where the couple decides to abandon the

America's experiment with the contractual

legal formalities of marriage altogether and

model of marriage has evidently failed—to

simply lives together. Another alternative

the detriment of women and children. The

is domestic partnership which is a legally

eminent legal scholar, John Witte Jr., gives us

recognised union in some jurisdictions in

a sense of its devastating consequences:

the United States, but does not enjoy all the protections and privileges of marriage.

From 1975–2010, a quarter of all children were raised in single-parent households.

A subtle but no less significant shift away from

One quarter of all pregnancies were aborted.

the traditional understanding of marriage is

One third of all children were born to

to regard it merely as a contract. In America

single mothers. One half of all marriages

and some European countries, the contractual model of marriage became prominent for a variety of reasons, such as new cultural norms of sexual liberty and privacy.

The contractual model has significantly simplified the formation rules of marriage in many jurisdictions in the United States.

ended in divorce. Two-thirds of all AfricanAmerican children were raised without a father. Mother-only homes had less than a third of the median income of homes with a regular male present, and four times the rates of foreclosure and eviction. Teenagers who grew up in broken homes proved two to

For example, it only requires the acquisition

three times more likely to have behavioural,

of a licence from the state registry and

learning, and socialisation problems than

solemnisation before a licensed official.

teenagers from two-parent homes. More than two-thirds of juveniles and young

Similarly, marriage dissolution rules have also been significantly simplified. The husband

24 Methodist Message November 2023

adults convicted of major felonies after 1970 came from single- or no-parent homes.1

In the Bible, marriage is never understood as

Hence, thirdly, the marital covenant between

a contract but always as a covenant.

the husband and wife must be understood as part of the larger covenant relationship

Repeatedly, the Old Testament Prophets—

between God and his people. The husband

Hosea, Jeremiah, Ezekiel, Isaiah, and

must emulate God's example in offering

Malachi—present God's covenantal

"covenant love" to his wife, while the wife

relationship with Israel as an analogy of the

must be faithful to her husband.

marital relationship between a husband and wife (See Hosea 2:2-23; Isaiah 1:21-22;

The apostle Paul puts across the same idea

54:5-8; 57:3-10; 61:10-11; 62:4-5; Jeremiah

when he speaks of the relationship between

2:2-3; 3:1-25; 13:27; 23:10; 31:32; Ezekiel 16:1-63;

husband and wife, although in a slightly

23:1-49; Malachi 1-2).

different theological register:

In contradistinction to some law textbooks

Wives, submit to your own husbands,

that regard the covenant simply as an older

as to the Lord … Husbands, love your wives,

form of contract, 2 in the Bible the covenant

as Christ loved the church

points to a solemn agreement between

and gave himself up for her

both parties before God. The Jewish scholar,

(Ephesians 5:22, 25).

Daniel Elazar, describes covenant as such: "The concept of covenant, in its heart of hearts, refers to a situation where a moral force, traditionally God, is a party, usually a direct party to, or guarantor of a particular relationship."

3

When marriage is understood as a covenant in the biblical sense, it will acquire several important features that mirror God's

It would of course be too naïve to suggest that adopting the covenantal model of marriage will instantaneously resolve all marital woes.

However, it will restore marriage to that which the contractual model has carelessly left behind. It will underscore the fact

covenantal relationship with Israel.

that marriage "is not by any to be entered

In his article, John Witte Jr. discusses six

discreetly, advisedly, soberly, and in the

features. I will highlight the three most

into unadvisedly or lightly; but reverently, fear of God". 5

crucial ones.

Firstly, the covenantal model requires that marriage be monogamous, a union between one man and one woman. In this way, human marriage reflects God's special relationship with his people because both cases involve two parties and two parties only.

Secondly, the covenantal model insists that God is not just responsible for creating the

John Witte Jr., 'The Covenant of Marriage: Its Biblical Roots, Historical Influence and Modern Uses', INTAMS Review on Marriage and Spirituality 18 (2012), 153.

1

See, for example, Black's Law Dictionary (6th ed. 1990), which states that a covenant '[i]n its broadest usage, means any agreement or contract', 322.

2

to and active participant in each marriage

Daniel Elazar, The Covenant Idea and Politics 3 (Workshop on Covenant and Politics Series, 1981), 3-4.

(Malachi 2:13-16). Thus, Witte rightly stresses

4

institution of marriage. He is the witness

that "[t]o enter into a marriage, the Prophets teach, is to enter into a new relationship not only with one's spouse but also with God".4

3

Ibid., 158.

1789 U.S. Book of Common Prayer, http://justus. anglican.org/resources/bcp/1789/Marriage_1789. htm.

5

November 2023 Methodist Message 25

By the Methodist Welfare Services (MWS) Communications Team. / Photo courtesy of MWS

Online counselling helped her overcome the grief of divorce "I want a divorce."

Those words uttered by 35-year-old Ava (not her real name) to her husband of five years were met with cold, stony silence. His answer came days later … through a phone call from his lawyer.

Ava remembers the relief she felt at having found someone to share her struggles with as she was not ready to tell her family and friends about her divorce at that stage. "I felt that I wasn't alone, and someone was there to work through my emotions and feelings with me," she said.

That was back in November 2022, when Ava decided to call it quits on her marriage after being subjected to six months of silent treatment by her spouse. She was unprepared for what would hit her next—overwhelming feelings of grief, regret, guilt and confusion triggered a mental breakdown.

Over the course of the next 10 months, online chat counselling would set Ava on the path to rebuilding her life after divorce.

At the lowest point in her life, Ava turned to the internet to seek professional help and stumbled upon CPH Online Counselling, an online counselling platform developed by the Community Psychology Hub for individuals facing marital, divorce and parenting challenges.

"Journalling has been empirically shown to be good for our physical, mental and emotional health. It helps us to clarify our thinking and process our emotions, and to deal with stressful or traumatic events," said Dawn.

A lifeline of hope Through the platform, Ava was connected to Dawn Yap, a qualified counsellor from the Strengthening Families Programme@Family Service Centre (MWS FAM@FSC).

Via live chat, Ava poured her heart out to Dawn. "Ava was feeling sad and depressed.

She had been crying the whole day and was feeling overwhelmed and stuck in distressing emotions and thoughts on what had gone wrong in her marriage," recalled Dawn.

26 Methodist Message November 2023

To help Ava manage her emotions and heal from the grief of her failed marriage, she was introduced to journalling.

In Ava's case, she needed to give herself space to work through her emotions.

"Journalling helped Ava to name and acknowledge her feelings, to better control them—it's the 'name it to tame it' strategy.

It also helped her to concretise the lessons she could learn from the divorce, and that gave her a clearer direction of how to move forward," said Dawn.

Ava added that journalling laid to rest her regret and doubts over her decision to divorce.

MWS Post-AGM 2023 Announcement

BOARD OF GOVERNANCE "I journalled about how I felt in this marriage and contemplated where it would lead had I chosen to continue in it. I realised that I had given my ex-husband many chances, but we were no longer aligned in this marriage," she said.

Today, Ava looks forward to new relationships, and is ready to support others who are experiencing emotional distress.

Bridging the gap to mental wellness

The new Board of Governance of Methodist Welfare Services (MWS) for the period 2023-2025 was elected at the Annual General Meeting on 23 September 2023. We are pleased to welcome Eugene Toh as Chairperson as well as 11 other Board Members and 9 Co-opted Members who hail from different Methodist churches.

Mr Eugene Toh – Chairperson Mr Lam Wei Choong – Vice-Chairperson Ms Mak Wei Munn – Honorary Secretary

Online counselling has broken down the barriers of time, space, cost and even social stigma, enabling easier access to mental health services.

Mr Raymond Khoo – Asst Honorary Secretary

It offers similar benefits as traditional faceto-face therapy, with the added convenience and privacy of getting the help and support one needs remotely.

Mr Paul Ong – Board Member

Since its July 2022 launch, MWS FAM@ FSC has counselled almost 500 families and individuals. Of these, about a quarter received counselling online.

Dr Dex Khor – Board Member

Mr Yeo Kai Eng – Honorary Treasurer Ms Latha E K Mathew – Asst Honorary Treasurer Mr Ronnie Gan – Asst Honorary Treasurer

Ms Joanne Low – Board Member Mr Soh Kok Leong – Board Member Mr Yow Chi Mun – Board Member

Mr Terence Wee – Co-opted Board Member Ms Chew Kim Ling – Co-opted Board Member Mr Philip Oh – Co-opted Board Member

Yeow Ming Zhen, Head of MWS FAM@FSC, said the anonymity that platforms like CPH Online Counselling offer is a major upside for those seeking mental healthcare.

Mr Melvin Dineshraj Balakrishnan – Co-opted Board Member Dr Astrid Yeo – Co-opted Board Member Rev Jason Phua – Co-opted Board Member (TRAC BOSC) Mr Samuel Tay – Co-opted Board Member (CAC BOSC)

"One of the common reasons people feel uncomfortable to seek help is that they may be experiencing a stigmatised issue like divorce, extra-marital affair or even family violence that causes them to feel ashamed. The anonymity offered by some online counselling platforms helps them to open up," she said.

For Ava, the support that she received through online counselling has been so integral to her healing that she now wants to pay it forward, having signed up to be a volunteer counsellor to others struggling with mental health issues.

"I believe in leading by example," she said.

"When we want to be seen and heard, we should also be willing to listen and accept others for who they are."

Mr Wilson Sampath – Co-opted Board Member (ETAC BOSC) Dr Teo Li Bee – Co-opted Board Member (GC WSCS) Mr Darius Chua – Representative, The Methodist Church in Singapore Mr Guan Yeow Kwang – Secretary of the Trustees of The Methodist Church in Singapore

To find out more about MWS FAM@FSC's work, please visit www.mws.sg .

To support our efforts to help those in need, please donate at mws.sg/give .

November 2023 Methodist Message 27

ACS (International)

ACS (International) Singapore is a distinctive international secondary school open to all Singaporeans & other nationalities, offering an all-round English-based education for students aged 12 to 18 years leading to the International General Certificate of Secondary Education (IGCSE) and the International Baccalaureate Diploma Programme (IBDP).

Senior Leadership Team

Building Through Belief, this school of choice provides • Exceptional examination results, strong value-added achievement and an all-round holistic education • 50:50 mix of local and international teachers who uphold the dual Methodist ethos and ACS heritage • Small class sizes with overall student-teacher ratio of 8.7 : 1 • 40 different CCAs – 16 Sporting, 12 Visual and Performing Arts, 12 Special Interest Groups • Over 200 formal student leadership positions • Scholarships for four Singaporeans to undertake the IBDP

Mr Gavin Kinch Principal

Mrs Tan Siew Hoon Vice-Principal

Achievements include • Students with perfect score of 45 points in IBDP • 23 “Top in the World” awards in IGCSE examinations over each of the past twelve years • Students accepted to Oxford and Cambridge universities for the past eight years

Mr Christopher Hayward Vice-Principal

Dr Kristopher Achter Vice-Principal

For more information, please contact Joseph Ng or Serene Lim at +65 6472 1477 or admissions@acsinternational.edu.sg

• Admissions to top universities in the UK, the US, Australia and Singapore • PSLE and GCE ‘O’ Level students obtaining outstanding value-added examination results for the IBDP and improved pathways to good universities • Successes at national level in Athletics, Touch Rugby, Debating, Orchestra, Volleyball, Taekwondo, Ice Hockey, Fencing, Swimming, Artistic Swimming, Rhythmic Gymnastics and Wushu.

Rev Leslie Lim is the MMS Country Director for Vietnam. / Photos courtesy of Rev Leslie Lim

Serving in the mission field with

your spouse prayer was always that I would have the opportunity to inspire and educate our members to explore and go for missions to witness God's work in different cultures and in different countries.

MM: How has serving in the mission field with your spouse strengthened your marriage?

Rev Leslie Lim and his wife Linda

R

ev Leslie Lim is the MMS Country Director for Vietnam. He and his wife, Linda, have served as missionaries in Vietnam for more than 8 years. He shares about what it is like to be serving in the mission field with one's spouse.

Methodist Message (MM): Did you and your wife always have a heart for missions?

How did you become missionaries in your current mission field?

Rev Lim: Both Linda and I had a heart for missions even before we were married.

She was a new believer and studying at the Discipleship Training School at Youth With A Mission (YWAM) Melbourne. I was a missionary serving in a Campus Christian ministry in Victoria, Australia.

Our postings since have led us to work with overseas students or pastors, or in missions. We both served at ACS Oldham Hall at Barker Road for more than 12 years, actively ministering to overseas students and young professionals. In my previous church, I trained overseas pastors on church planting.

As a pastor under TRAC, I was always in charge of or involved in missions. My

Rev Lim: We are mindful that we are role models for the people we are serving and pray to remain faithful to him. We are strengthened by the heavenly vision that God has given us to go and build strong and biblical disciples of all nations. God has opened the way for us to serve in Vietnam, and we are always amazed by the marvellous things that God has done and is doing.

MM: What were some challenges you faced as a couple in a foreign land and how did you deal with them?

Rev Lim: We faced language and cultural barriers. We did not do things the conventional way like learning the language first, but instead, plunged ourselves into active ministry the moment we stepped into Ho Chi Minh City. Patiently, we ploughed the land with sweat and tears, persevering in our outreach efforts and God ultimately gave the harvest.

MM: What advice would you give to other couples thinking of serving in missions?

Rev Lim: God cannot use an idle life. Be actively involved in serving the Lord in your local church. Ideally, serve the Lord together before going to your long-term mission field. Be certain of your joint calling to missions because this choice is one that is counter-culture and will certainly bring with it challenges that you will have to face together as a couple.

November 2023 Methodist Message 29

Benny Bong has over 40

years of experience as a therapist, counsellor and trainer. He also conducts regular talks and webinars.

Benny has helmed MM’s You & Your Family column for more than 16 years and is a member of Kampong Kapor Methodist Church.

Rev Tay Li Ping is currently

pastoring at Christalite Methodist Chapel. Trained as an Industrial-Organisational Psychologist before becoming a pastor, Rev Tay is particularly interested in the intersection of Psychology and Theology. She is married and has five sons.

Koh Ai Jin is a registered

clinical counsellor with extensive experience in marriage and family counselling, mental health concerns and psychological trauma. She runs her own practice and currently serves as Vice-President of the Association of Christian Counsellors (Singapore).

Need advice? Scan the QR code or visit https://www.methodist.org.sg/mm-atthe-well/ to submit your question. Due to space constraints and repetition of topics, we may not be able to feature all questions submitted.

Dating & Marriage

Is using a private investigator the right thing to do?

My brother suspects that his wife is being unfaithful. He is thinking of engaging a private investigator to obtain proof of her infidelity. As a Christian, is this something that he should be doing? Wouldn't it open the possibility of divorce, which is considered wrong?  Magnum

Benny says Dear Magnum, Whether your brother is a Christian or not, the first aim of any spouse should be to clarify their concerns. I believe that spouses need not wait till they have proof to raise the issue. If evidence is demanded, then I fear that the relationship is showing signs of serious deterioration.

Besides the cost of hiring a private investigator (PI) and the difficulty to obtain irrefutable evidence of an affair, the discovery that one is being investigated can cause the relationship to spiral further downward.

When my clients engage a PI, it is usually when previous attempts at raising such concerns were unfruitful or when there is serious consideration for a divorce. Clients may still hope to pressure the spouse to end the affair or else a divorce will follow. Even if it may result in the cessation

30 Methodist Message November 2023

of any extra-marital relationship, it may not

perception is not helpful. Restoring the

result in a repair of the marriage.

friendship is also dependent on your friend's circumstances and her response. Would

Finally, if indeed there is an affair, this alone

you instead fix your eyes on God, who is the

does not sound the "death knell" for the

source of comfort and love and draw upon

marriage. The willingness of both parties

his assurance and companionship?

to work on salvaging the marriage is what finally determines its outcome. Till then, do

While praying and waiting, would you

encourage your brother to speak with his

preoccupy yourself with other areas of your

wife, and if no headway is made, perhaps it

life? For example, putting your thoughts and

may be necessary to engage a trusted family

time on a new project at work or in ministry

member or friend.

and serve in a need area that feels rewarding to you? Or pick up a hobby or interest that

Friendships

is enjoyable? Take small steps to motivate

I seem to have lost a friend

God. When you do so, may the Holy Spirit

I have always looked up to a sister from a former church. She is an intercessor

yourself to rebuild your relationship with fill you also with increasing desire to be in community and fellowship with others.

like me and I learned from her spiritual insights. I am an introvert; she has been my only best friend for the past 40 years.

We meet once a year over Christmas.

When her husband passed away 10 years ago, my friend slowly changed her behaviour. She became forceful and assertive over time. Last year she abruptly broke off the friendship and we didn't meet at Christmas. I have been praying for God to restore our friendship but my prayer is still unanswered. I am hurting over the loss of a cherished friendship. My faith in God is badly shaken. Emotionally and spiritually, I feel rejected, lonely and vulnerable. It's hard to make new friends.  Emotionally and spiritually empty

Ai Jin says Dear Emotionally and spiritually empty,

Family

Worried that my daughter is gay I suspect my young adult daughter is gay and she has a girlfriend who stays over regularly. She has stopped going to church and feels that Christians are very

This is a long-time friendship that you've

narrow-minded and judgemental. She is

cherished, hence the loss and hurt is

supportive towards the LGBT community

great. While you have been praying to God

and attends events like Pink Dot. I am

to restore the friendship, the lack of an

considering if I should ask her directly

outcome that you have hoped for makes

about her sexual orientation to remove my

praying seem futile and as a result has

doubts. At the same time, I know that the

discouraged you emotionally and spiritually.

truth may devastate me, and I am not sure if I can handle it. Should I leave the matter

If you continue to focus on negative

and just commit it to God, or should I

outcomes, you inadvertently allow that to

proactively speak to my daughter and

become the measure by which you view

share the Christian stance on same-sex

God's goodness and faithfulness, and this

relationships?  Worried November 2023 Methodist Message 31

At The Well

Ai Jin says

year ago in church and they are planning

Dear Worried,

to marry next year. I'm not a believer

Consider how you would want to approach

I am curious: Is it wrong for him to

the conversation: what would you say and when is the best time to have that

(my brother and his wife-to-be are) but remarry? Does the Bible consider it adultery?  Concerned sister

conversation, keeping in mind that you want to protect the mother-daughter relationship? One suggestion is to approach it with an open mind to hear your daughter's thoughts about the matter. This does not mean that you agree with her but embracing her opinions first could keep the conversation going for both of you. Winning the argument is not the priority as it may end up hurting the relationship. Rather, you want to gain her trust and respect so that there will be other opportunities and she'll be more willing to hear you out.

Perhaps you could say to her that while your convictions are different from hers, you want to assure her that you are not rejecting her or her girlfriend. And that you continue to love her, and you wish for her not to distance herself from you. As for when might you have this conversation with her? The best time is probably when she welcomes such a conversation with you,

Li Ping says Dear Concerned sister,

and next best is when you are ready.

There is a range of opinions amongst

Meanwhile, how about taking time to

is allowable, (2) on what grounds, and

equip yourself. Here's a book that you can start with, Good News for Bruised Reeds – Walking with Same-Sex Attracted Friends (published by Graceworks, 2018). As you continue to commit to God and pray for her openness, spiritual growth and maturity, may you experience peace and increasing confidence that your relationship with her will hold out when you decide to gently confront the issues, and that she'll receive your influence and be receptive to God's truth on the matter.

Dating & Marriage

Remarrying after divorce

Christians about (1) whether divorce (3) if remarriage is allowable, due to differing interpretations of key biblical texts. Methodist ministers are allowed to decide on their position according to their conscience and biblical interpretation.

Hence, I share mine below: Firstly, I believe that divorce is allowable in some situations. Some hold the position that divorce is never allowed due to texts (Mark 10:1-11; Luke 16:18) that teach that at face value. However, other texts (Matthew 5:32; Matthew 19:9) clearly permit divorce in the exceptional circumstance of sexual immorality (defined as any sexual activity outside marriage). Space does not permit a more comprehensive answer, but there

My brother has been a divorcé for 7

is good reason to see the accounts in Mark

years after his ex-wife was found to be

and Luke as shorter versions of Jesus'

unfaithful to him. He met someone a

fuller teaching.

32 Methodist Message November 2023

Secondly, as mentioned, a clear reason to allow a legitimate divorce is sexual immorality. Hence, the "wronged" party, such as your brother, is permitted to pursue divorce. That said, while divorce may be permitted, it is not compulsory, as marriage is ideally for life (Matthew 19:8). Forgiveness and reconciliation are possible and should be pursued.

Thirdly, some ministers may allow for divorce, but not remarriage, based on texts (Romans 7:3; 1 Corinthians 7:39) that seem to teach that only death releases one from the marriage covenant. However, I believe that if a divorce is legitimate, then logically, remarriage is also legitimate, as in your brother's case.

Benny says Dear No germs, Your wife's symptoms, coupled with the fact that she has refused to see a psychiatrist, tells me that her problem, if any, is not diagnosed and is probably currently untreated.

The coping strategy of giving in to her demands for increasingly higher standards of hygiene is not tenable as she may either be unaware that her anxieties are growing or that she is unable to manage them.

Individuals with conditions like these rarely manage it on their own without some professional assistance. This can take the form of seeing a psychiatrist and working with a psychotherapist trained to treat such conditions. Whilst a complete cure may

Dating & Marriage

My wife's OCD is destroying us My wife exhibits symptoms of OCD. She spends many hours cleaning our home and has a fear of germs. When she goes out, she wears two masks and constantly sanitises her hands. The pandemic made her symptoms worse. Recently, she refused to let me into the home after work unless I changed into a new set of clothes.

She refuses to see a psychiatrist. I survive by giving in to her demands for cleanliness but it has come to a point where I feel I cannot go on. I love her but her condition is destroying our relationship and affecting my mental health badly, to the point that I am considering leaving the marriage.  No germs

elude some, most are able to manage their anxieties and thereby their condition.

Now comes the hard part. Because your wife may be in denial or is more focused on trying to reduce her immediate anxieties, you, and perhaps with the help of others, may have to present it to her. In a firm but gentle way, clearly outline the behaviours that are unreasonable and do not get distracted by the reasons behind them. Many of these anxieties often persist because there is a tiny grain of truth that supports it. For example, with the pandemic, the possibility of catching a new viral strain is always there but it should not debilitate us. Share with your spouse that help is available to address some of her fears. If she is still reluctant to see a psychiatrist, you both can begin by seeing a psychotherapist who can help her examine her misgivings and concerns.

November 2023 Methodist Message 33

At The Well

Family

Intrusive mother-in-law I have been living with my in-laws since we got married. My husband is the only son and when we got married he asked if I was fine to stay with his parents since he has a duty to care for them.

They are elderly and my father-in-law has dementia. Now that we have two young kids, I would like my own home and space. I do not get along with my mother-in-law as she is intrusive and feels that since the home is theirs, she can do what she likes, including coming into our rooms. I have spoken to my husband many times but if we move out, there is no one else to help care for his parents.

I am frustrated because I not only have to care for my two kids, I have to care for two elderly people who do not appreciate what I do for them. At the same time, I want to submit to my husband as he is the head of the home.  DIL woes

Li Ping says Dear DIL woes, It sounds like you are looking at only one option to your current situation: moving out.

May I suggest a 10-step framework from the Prepare/Enrich programme that allows you

4. List past attempts to resolve the issue that were not successful. For example, only exploring the option of moving out.

5. Brainstorm at least ten possible solutions.

Do not judge or criticise any at this point.

Some solutions may involve boundary setting with your MIL, giving you regular personal time and space to recharge, getting help for specific caring duties, etc.

6. Discuss and evaluate each of these possible solutions as objectively as possible. Discuss how useful and appropriate each suggestion feels for resolving your issue.

to explore other alternatives and resolve the situation in a constructive way.

7. Agree on one solution to try.

1.

8. Agree how you will each work toward this solution. Be as specific as possible.

Set a time and place for discussion, ideally when both of you are at your calmest and most creative.

2. Define the problem. Be specific, including detailing how the situation affects both your husband and you.

3. List the ways you each contribute to the problem.

34 Methodist Message November 2023

9. Set up another meeting (place, date, time) to discuss your progress.

10. Reward each other for progress. For example, praising your partner for making a positive contribution towards the solution.

Terence Chua is a Local Preacher at Living Hope Methodist Church. / Book cover art courtesy of Rev Ivan Tan

Bringing hospitality to places

I

magine this scenario: Two friends, both Christians, catch up at a Christian conference. Between them stands a stranger, also Christian. As the friends converse, they "speak through" the stranger, as if he is not there.

This was a real-life experience for Rev Ivan Tan when he attended a seminary in the United States. Rev Tan, who is currently a pastor at Fairfield Methodist Church, recalled in his newly published book, Hospitality and Growing the Church, that sitting between two friends as an "invisible" stranger, he felt "very awkward and unwelcome … like an alien in a strange land".

Fortunately, his time in the US also saw more hospitable moments, he recounts in an interview. These included an impromptu lunch invitation extended by a couple from church, warm gatherings he hosted in an international house for foreign students and an inspiring teacher, the late Professor Christine D Pohl, who "taught and embodied what it is like to live in true community".

Since then, Rev Tan has been passionate about hospitality and in his words, he hopes to "bring hospitality to places". His recent book is an outcome of this, where he reflects on his eight-year pastoral experience at Living Hope Methodist Church, which saw its membership grow amidst the Covid-19 pandemic.

He attributes this gracious irony to the church's spirit of hospitality.

Even while sharing helpful pointers in his book, Rev Tan recognises that a mere change in outward behaviour is insufficient.

"In a sense," he muses, "hospitality cannot be taught. You cannot teach people to 'do these things' and then [expect people to] become hospitable." Acknowledging that awareness is both crucial and prerequisite, he seeks to raise it by looking at the early church. Specifically, he identifies the range of strangers welcomed, our

Lord's perplexing choice of friends and the distinctive familial metaphor used to describe the early church.

A note of caution: a reader looking for a quick fix will be disappointed. The book, with its many reflection questions, seeks to spark an examen. Practical application will require critical thinking and innovation.

Bishop Dr Gordon Wong's exhortation is apt: "Let's read Ivan Tan's book on hospitality for ideas and inspiration on how to pursue it!"

As Rev Tan intends the book to be simple, the many ideas within are only briefly addressed.

Those interested to delve deeper can refer to the book's bibliography, which includes Rev Tan's recommendation of Dr Pohl's Making Room and Living into Community.

Hospitality and Growing the Church

By Ivan Tan Available at SKS Books Warehouse and Wesley Methodist Church's BookNook.

The e-book is available through Biblical Graduate School of Theology at https: //payhip.com/BGST

November 2023 Methodist Message 35

Walking alongside you with compassion and care

ESTABLISHED SINCE 2000

For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.

Romans 8:38–39

HOSANNA BREAVEMENT SERVICES PTD LTD

Samraj Asir is the LCEC Chairperson at Ang Mo Kio Tamil Methodist Church.

He chairs ETAC's Discipleship & Nurture ministry, is an ExCo member of Disciple Agency and a member of the Discipline Revision Commission. / Photo courtesy of Samraj Asir

I have a place in God's plan

I

remember distinctly the day I became a Christian. It was while I was reading the Bible as a teenager during family

prayers. I was so overwhelmed with God’s love for me that tears rolled down my face as I read. While the rest of the family thought I was crying about something else, my mother understood what I was going through and prayed for me. I was so overjoyed knowing that God loves me as I am and that I would have a place in his plan. God’s love has sustained me in all my falls and his grace has guided me whenever I turn to him in submission.

I serve in various capacities at the local church, at ETAC and the General Conference. Although I felt I had very few capabilities to share, God has blessed every initiative and every effort, and taught me to be patient for his time and his ways whenever circumstances were challenging.

Even as I start this day thanking God for his protection, providence and promises, I am reminded of his allencompassing love that I had experienced as a teenager.

My heart is moved and I still tear up, but now, more than

Samraj Asir with his wife, Ajita, and son, Ashvath

ever, I have an even greater understanding of God's love.

Kopi kakis by Lau Peng Leong, Yen Tun I and Zachary Yong

November 2023 Methodist Message 37

STORIES FROM THE FIELD: ME? A MISSIONARY? 7 November (Tuesday), 8.00 p.m. – 9.30 p.m.

Online via Zoom Register by 6 November via www.wycliffe.sg/events Free How do skills in education, healthcare, aviation, construction and shipping assist in translating the Bible? There are many ways to support Bible translators as they bring God's Word to unreached people groups in their native languages.

Josh Matsumaru is a Japanese missionary who taught sports while his wife taught art at an international school in Papua New Guinea. Hear Josh's story on how he used his gifts to serve God and other missionaries in the mission field.

Organised by Wycliffe Singapore

ART OF MARRIAGE WEEKEND RETREAT 17 November (Friday), 9.00 a.m. – 18 November (Saturday), 5.00 p.m.

Changi Cove Hotel, 351 Cranwell Road, S509866 Register via https://mde.cru.org.sg/event Tickets priced from $399 per couple Take time off to enjoy a special weekend with your significant other. Discover the heart behind the art of marriage at this retreat. Includes six video sessions based on biblical principles.

Highlights: - Expert interviews - Real-life stories - Humorous vignettes - Couple projects - Time with spouse (minimal interaction with other couples) - Full-colour manuals in choice of English or Chinese language Organised by Cru Singapore

COMPANIONS IN CHRIST LEADERS' TRAINING 25 – 26 January 2024 (Thursday & Friday), 9.00 a.m. – 5.00 p.m. daily

Disciple Agency - Singapore

Wesley Methodist Church, 5 Fort Canning Road, S179493 Register by 28 December via www.disciple.methodist.org.sg $200 per person (Early bird rate of $180 applies till 15 December).

Fees include lunch, leader's guide and training materials.

The Companions in Christ (CIC) series offers a powerfully transforming small group experience that builds spiritual practices within congregations, helping participants be more fully open to God and to one another.

Course description: - Be trained to lead a 28-week course which offers small group experience in spiritual formation - Learn classic spiritual practices and develop new daily patterns - Deepen relationship with God and with the group - Help build spiritual companions in Christ and support one another on this spiritual journey Organised by Disciple Agency