Friday, December 19, 2014
After more than nine years, it’s time for us to say goodbye.
It’s been great knowing you. Here are your best bits…
I would like to say thanks for everything the company provided for me. I got to see that the Irish are nice, happy and friendly. I met my wife, made new friends and improved my English. It’s sad to see a good company closing down but I will cherish all these memories of a good time. Luiz Fernando Ferreira Marcolino When Luis was a merchandiser in Shankill, he handed a paper to a girl he thought was cute. He asked her if she, like him was Brazilian. She was French. They got chatting. They’re married now.
Metro, amazing experience! It is good to know that a simple smile and a sincere good morning is able to turn a moment around. Thanks to all the readers every morning at the station of Salthill and Monkstown. Almir Rogerio da Silva
I would like to thank the Metro for the opportunity, as well as Maria Towey, Marcio Ventura, Thiago Palmeira, Vagner Costa, and all the people who pick up the newspaper at Blackrock Dart Station or just return my ‘good morning’ every day. Cleusa Ribeiro
Friday, December 19, 2014
This is the last ever Metro Herald, read by more than 200,000 of you every day
What will you read now? Political con job? – Pages 4 & 5
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A new vision: Seven new Luas projects were unveiled yesterday as part of the transport scheme
Picture: Crispin Rodwell
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15.04.2011 e-metroherald.ie
PLEASE DO NOT LITTER. TAKE YOUR METRO WITH YOU OR DISPOSE OF IT THOUGHTFULLY
Best deal in town See P2 for details
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Media Br and of the Year
the media awards 2012
bank chases debts
Former billionaire Sean Quinn has been stripped of his business empire, as Anglo Irish Bank seized the Quinn Group, which is chasing €5billion in debts. The deal ensures most of the firm’s 4,200 sector-specific jobs are safe for at least five years !P5
Metro life
Out and about
We review the latest movies, celebrate Record Store Day at Tower Records on Wicklow Street, preview the hottest clubbing gigs, and have a pair of VIP tickets to give away for Belfast’s international Festival Of Fools !P20-23
APE AND WARM: The baby gorilla nestles up to his mother Lena in their enclosure at Dublin Zoo, which announced yesterday the two-week-old is a male
60 seconds with Vanessa Hudgens
!P25
news Boss quits over dozing staff
The head of US air traffic control quit yesterday after a fourth controller was found sleeping on the job as a plane attempted to land. It was the fifth lapse this year among the nation’s air traffic towers !P13
sPort Blues’ doubt over shot at double
Joe Schmidt believes Leinster are ‘vulnerable’ as his charges attempt to win a unique Heineken Cup and Magners League double. ‘It’s going to be carnage because we’re already beaten up,’ said the head coach !P32
Picture: Gareth Chaney/Collins
It’s a boy!
CLINGING to its mother, cranky little face, obsession with breasts: was there ever any doubt it was a boy? Keepers at Dublin Zoo finally announced the sex of the new baby gorilla after a two-week vigil. Ever since the baby’s mother Lena gave birth a fortnight ago, she kept him clutched so close to her chest that her keepers could not determine the infant’s gender. Only in recent days did she begin to
By Ross McDonagh
loosen her grip just long enough for staff to determine they had another male gorilla in their midst. ‘We were just as eager to find out the sex of the newborn as much as everyone else,’ said Ciaran McMahon, team leader responsible for the gorillas. ‘I’m delighted to say that both mum and baby are doing extremely well.
‘Lena is such an experienced mother that we have every confidence in her nurturing and rearing a healthy baby boy,’ Mr McMahon added. Dublin Zoo has had lowland gorillas – a critically endangered species – for many years and is home to a balanced, relaxed, functioning and healthy breeding group, part of a population of about 400 animals living in European zoos. The youngest gorilla is yet to be
named and the zoo is inviting visitors to suggest a name based on his West African origin. He is the fifth baby for Lena, who has a close relationship with the father Harry, the dominant silverback of the zoo’s gorilla group. The new baby joins his two brothers Alfie (born 2003) and Evindi (born 2006) as well as Mayani, a female gorilla who moved to Dublin Zoo from Stuttgart Zoo in 2005.
FUN RUN IN THE SUN: Three competitors in the Flora Women’s Mini Marathon in Dublin yesterday. More than 40,000 participants took part in the 10k race, raising millions for charities. The mini marathon is the largest allwomen event of its kind in the world Weekend round-up: Page 3 PICTURE: InPho
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position, a move that analysts say ended his ambitions for a post in the upper ranks of the top leadership. they said the shift appeared linked to his son’s scandalous death. he was removed as a senior director of the Communist party’s central committee and installed as new head of a work department, with his old job going to a close ally of Xi Jinping – the man expected to replace
hu as China’s next president. the shuffle was reported as a victory for leader-in-waiting Xi and a blow to hu’s camp. Political observers said Ling’s move, while not a ‘serious’ demotion, clearly removes him from the centre of power. ‘this Ferrari accident certainly caused his stepping down,’ said one.
Published and printed in Dublin
A POLISH fugitive on the run from the US authorities yesterday handed himself in because he would rather face jail than continue living in Dublin.
Dariusz Baranski surrendered to the American Embassy in Ballsbridge after six months on the run. The 26-year-old has been wanted by US authorities since January, when he fled the country while out on bail. Baranski faced up to 12months in prison for his role in a scam which involved sham marriages between Polish women and US Navy personnel. While serving as a petty officer aboard the USS Simpson, he arranged marriages that guaranteed the women US citizenship and the sailors additional government benefits. He earned up to e4,500 each time for
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BY ROSS McDONAGH himself. But the whole operation was blown when two of the women he had arranged marriages for tried to cut in and start making money for themselves. The Naval Criminal Investigative Services charged him with aiding and abetting entry into marriage for the purpose of evading immigration laws, and stripped him of his US passport. However, Baranski used his Polish passport to flee the country before his sentencing on January 31, and decided to hide out in the country all his Polish friends were heading for – Ireland. But he said he soon found life as a Pole in Dublin was not much better than a stint in a US state penitentiary. He found employment through the same route many of his countrymen did, with a foreign worker agency.
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‘It’s f***ing hell. They try to rip you off,’ he said. ‘The Polish people don’t know the language, they’re not confident, and they’ll work for e8 an hour. ‘They [the agencies] get paid e14 an hour, and pay us the minimum wage. It’s easy for the companies because they don’t have to worry about contracts or unions or anything like that, plus they can get rid of you whenever they want,’ he added. Baranski ended up in a two-bedroom apartment on Thomas Street, Dublin, with six other people. He now faces two years in custody, thanks to the extra charge of fleeing the US while out on bail. He added: ‘I prefer living in the United States and, if that’s what it costs to go back and do the time in jail, then life goes on.’ He will be sent to the US on Friday. I’d rather go to jail than stay: Dariusz Baranski has given himself up
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BY SHEILA FLYNN
A RADICAL preacher has launched a website called GodHatesIreland.com after branding Irish legislation ‘satanic’ and accusing a Dublin student society of plotting to have him imprisoned.
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‘The law is a cup of Satan’s slimy vomit’ Hatred Act, or ‘otherwise titled “Don’t preach a thing negative about fags”,’ he said. He called the law a ‘cup of Satan’s slimy vomit’. Mr Phelps’s church also has a website called GodHatesAmerica.com, which claims war deaths and other US disasters prove God disapproves of his country’s acceptance of homosexuality and Americans are doomed. The pastor’s daughter, Shirley, who is also an attorney for the church, said the UCD society’s letter ‘caused us to focus in’ on Ireland’s laws. But the society’s auditor, Michael MacGrath, said the invitation was in no way a trap to imprison Mr Phelps. He added that the offer was rescinded this week when the preacher’s views were investigated further. ‘We knew he was at the far end of the spectrum, but we didn’t realise how far,’ said Mr MacGrath. ‘There’s no way we could endorse or enable hate speech.’
We’re all doomed: Preacher Fred Phelps believes countries which ‘decriminalise sodomy’ are destroying the world we live in
Among other statements in Mr Phelps’s diatribe, he called Irish people ‘idiots’ for re-electing Sen David Norris, who was instrumental in bringing gay rights legislation to Ireland. He also claimed UCD members were ‘the leaders in the Irish homosexual community that’s responsible for decriminalising sodomy in Ireland’.
Mr Norris said he had never heard of Mr Phelps but particularly disapproved of the pastor’s use of biblical interpretations to defame other people. ‘I go every Sunday to St Patrick’s Cathedral, and I will be very sorry, as somebody who tries imperfectly to lead a Christian life, to think that
anybody could derive this kind of message of hatred from the Gospels,’ said Mr Norris. ‘I think it’s totally inappropriate.’ The senator added that Mr Phelps ‘has obviously got problems’ and recommended the Kansas preacher ‘should disappear back up the yellow brick road’.
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Ship-shy sailors shun sea shifts Published and printed in Dublin
Wednesday, August 23, 2006
BY MARKHAM NOLAN
MORALE in the navy has sunk to an all-time low – because sailors don’t want to go to sea.
Seamen are angry that long-term patrols are being extended, meaning they spend too much time away from their families. They have complained of ‘hopelessness and disenchantment’ with policies on long-term sea patrols, and the refusal of management to implement change. A report entitled A Voyage Of Understanding, commissioned by the defence forces representative association, surveyed 344 personnel and their partners. It found that long patrols were causing serious difficulties for sailors and their families. ‘The biggest impact is that the period of separation is greatly extended,’ said association general secretary Gerry Rooney. ‘It makes it extremely difficult to balance your family commitments and work commitments, and families of sailors find it extremely difficult to organise their lives.’ Servicemen spend two years attached to one of the eight ships in the Irish Navy Service, followed by two years ashore. However, the association claims staff spend a considerable amount of that time providing relief for those at sea. ‘In practice, you get sucked into doing sea-work,’ added Mr Rooney. Naval press officer Cmdr Tom Doyle said: ‘In general, the unit will spend 220 days at sea in total but we strive to ensure that personnel spend no more than 160 days at sea during any year.’ In 2005, 780 personnel went to sea, with 160 away more than 160 days, typically serving on an extra patrol. ‘They had no problem with doing that, we had no complaints. It wasn’t an issue,’ added Cmdr Doyle. Defence minister Willie O’Dea has said that the wellbeing of defence staff is a high priority and he will be reviewing the report with senior military management.
Fred Phelps, pastor of Westboro Baptist Church, in Kansas, US, made the remarks in a sermon on Sunday, and the site went live yesterday – proclaiming Ireland as ‘Land of the Sodomite Damned’. The vehemently anti-gay preacher, who has sparked outrage in the US for protesting at funerals of soldiers, accused UCD’s Literary & Historical Society of having ulterior motives when it invited him to speak at a gay rights debate scheduled for next February. ‘They’ve contrived a plot or conspiracy to lure me, and maybe other members of this church, to Dublin, Ireland, to speak,’ said Mr Phelps. ‘Then they’re planning there to arrest me for the crime of violating their law.’ He referred to the Prohibition of Incitement to
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Anti-gay preacher brands Irish legislation ‘satanic’
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Irish actor Jack Reynor signs an autograph for fan Sean Maher, from Swords, at the Irish premiere of his new film Transformers: Age Of Extinction at the Savoy cinema on O’Connell Street yesterday evening
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I hate Dublin so much, I’m off to prison says fugitive
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Plus: The meaning of awesome; Celebs; Film reviews; going out; Sport
METRO
Wednesday, July 11, 2007
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another instance of excess and recklessness among the country’s power elites. the incident follows the jailing last month of a party leader’s wife who poisoned British businessman Neil heywood. the Post’s report came just days after the Chinese government announced the dead man’s father, Ling Jihua, had been transferred to a new
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gers were naked or half-dressed, suggesting they had been involved in a ‘high speed sex game’, an unnamed official told the south China Morning Post. Details of the March accident have only just emerged through hong kong outlets, a sign of official fears that the public will be outraged by
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a sENIor official’s son died after crashing his Ferrari apparently during a sex session with two women in the latest scandal to shake China’s political elite. Ling Gu, whose father is a loyal aide to president hu Jintao, was killed and the women injured in the accident in Beijing, according to reports. he was half-naked and his passen-
Full story – see Page 5
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Garth Brooks last night warned by Orna Cunningham it was ‘five shows or none at all’ after Dublin City Council blocked two of a row at Croke Park, the country’s his Croke Park gigs later this month largest venue. over disruption to residents. Last night, offers were rolling in In a statement that holds the council from other venues to host the Monto ransom, the Us country star said: day and tuesday July 28 and 29 dates, ‘I have faith that Dublin City Council including from Punchestown racewill make the best decision for the course in kildare, which previously people of Ireland.’ hosted the oxegen festival, and Páirc he added: ‘to choose which shows Uí Chaoimh in Cork. to do and which shows not to do, the Croke Park residents’ solicitor would be like asking to choose one said they are reserving their position child over another. until a public meeting is held. ‘however this plays out, Ireland has ‘It was irresponsible of the promotmy heart and alers to sell tickets ways will.’ to the fans “subPromoter Peter ject to licence” aiken earlier exand expect to profplained production it from it,’ anthocosts had been ny Fay said. scaled to the unique But Mr aiken five-show run – said concerts are with 400,000 tickalways promoted ets sold in total – on the basis of the and it wasn’t events being subpossible to simply ject to licence. stop two of the Muppetry? Fans are furious Disappointed shows. fans took to social and the promoter added he had not media to air their grievances, and the expected the council’s decision, Irish hotels Federation (IhF) said the though he had anticipated there would decision would hurt Ireland’s image be a number of conditions attached to abroad. some 70,000 fans overseas permission for five shows. have bought tickets to the gigs startMaking its decision, Dublin City ing on July 25. Council said: ‘the cumulative effect the IhF’s stephen McNally said: on residents and on some businesses ‘this situation was avoidable and would lead to an unacceptable level will damage Ireland’s tourism brand of disruption to their lives and liveli- – something tourism businesses and hoods.’ bodies invest significant resources in No act has ever played five shows in to promote in overseas markets.’
picture: Arthur cArron
■ 17 cases of drug dealing
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Irishman’s NY subway film »p3
Party off, garth
China Ferrari sex orgy death crash
■ Plans for a Dublin bomb
by AlisTAir GrAnT
It’s an old joke, but there were indeed unprecedented scenes over the weekend as a mysterious yellow object was spotted in the skies of Ireland – the sun. and even more bizarre, after blessing crowds at events such as the Forbidden Fruit festival and the Flora Women’s Mini Marathon, today Ireland is due to be hotter than parts of even its bailout buddy Greece, with temperatures up to 24C. Ireland is set to beat its hottest temperature this year – 21C in Cork on May 29 – and also be hotter than Corfu, Greece, forecast for just 21C amid showers today. the hot spell, predicted to last into the weekend, comes thanks to high pressure, with the west warmest, and the east a few degrees cooler, and some cloud but only very occasional showers. however, hay-fever sufferers have been in misery as pollen counts soar. ‘It’s the best spell of weather of the year and we’ll close in on the hottest temperature of 2013,’ said forecaster John Eagleton. But it’ll likely be back to soggy summer weather thereafter, the Uk Met office’s 90day summer forecast shows. Met Éireann only forecasts ten days ahead. our sunny spell comes as a large part of central Europe endured flooding after days of heavy rain. at least eight people were reported to have died and nine were missing amid floods in Germany, austria, switzerland and the Czech republic.
Plus: July 4th songs and films »p12
TAKING IT TO THE BRIDGE: A cyclist admires the view as Georgia Salpa poses for a photograph to launch Vavavoom.ie, an Irish-owned online fashion store aiming to bring current trends to Irish women aged 18 to 40
■ Monaghan bomb attack
Yellow object spotted in sky
Train in vain
Stars and bites: Food worth declaring independence for
Brooks warns it’s ‘5 shows or none at all’ after council blocks 2 gigs
■ 13 punishment attacks
Tech&Gaming p17
Have it on its own.
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■ 10 punishment shootings
The future of film
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She shot to fame in 2006 with her role in High School Musical and this year the busy actress stars in the wildly divergent Sucker Punch and a reworking of Beauty And The Beast
Tuesday, June 4, 2013
For some great money savers, check out our new ‘Deal of the Day’
plus: pig out in body matters »p18
■ 10 attempted killings
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■ Up to 15 people murdered
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Picture: BriAN MceVOY
The E34.4billion superplan – dubbed Transport 21 – will overhaul the road, rail and Luas systems and give Dublin its own metro subway. Unveiling the plans at Dublin Castle, Taoiseach Bertie Ahern pledged to spend almost E10 million every day for the next ten years on the transport network. Ministers pledged that St Stephen’s Green, the hub of the proposals, would become the equivalent of New York’s Grand Central Station and public transport use would increase from 200million journeys a year to 375million. But opposition TDs warned the projects could run over time and over budget. Among the promises were: ■ Two metro lines for Dublin. Metro North will stretch from St Stephen’s Green to Swords and serve Dublin Airport. The entire journey will take 17 minutes when the line opens in 2012. Metro West will link the Tallaght Luas and serve areas such as Clondalkin and Blanchardstown. ■ Seven new Luas tram projects will be built. ■ Dublin will get 20 new buses immediately. ■ Nationally, the Western Rail Corridor will be re-opened between Ennis and Claremorris. ■ Some 850km of new roads will be built. Mr Ahern said the changes would lead to a ‘better Ireland’. He added: ‘It will improve the lives of everybody who lives here, visits here and does business here.’
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Published and printed in Dublin
OMBUDSMAN REVEALS RUC COVERED UP FOR LOYALIST KILLERS
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BY DAVID HARDING
ONE of the most ambitious and expensive transport plans ever undertaken in Europe was unveiled by the Government yesterday.
METRO Blood on
Tuesday, Januar y 23, 2007
Friday, July 4, 2014
GrabOne Experience €19 for 2 Mains, 2 Sides & Tea or Coffee at The Harbourmaster
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E34bn ‘ticket to the future’
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THE COST? WESTERN RAIL PLANS E10m A DAY REVEALED FOR 10 YEARS
NEW BB RACE ROW
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7 MORE LUAS ROUTES
TWO NEW SUBWAY SERVICES
Page 3
Published and printed in Dublin
Wednesday, November 2, 2005
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Tears after Best Mate dies
170 PEOPLE KILLED AS PLANE CRASHES IN STORM
Forty-five children were among the 170 people killed when a Russian plane crashed in Ukraine yesterday. A fire broke out on board the aircraft after it flew into a storm. Its landing gear failed to work properly Picture: Reuters
INSIDE TODAY Can you be the next top model?
How to enter: Page 10
James Nesbitt back as star of Murphy’s Law
PLUS
Enjoy a FREE lunch on us at the Picnic in the City
60 Second Interview: Page 10
See Page 7
PLEASE DO NOT LITTER. TAKE YOUR METRO WITH YOU OR DISPOSE OF IT THOUGHTFULLY
“ STUPIDITY W STUPIDITY WAS NEVER SO FU NEVER SO FUNNY” Alan Frank - Daily Star
Keep Dublin tidy – Please recycle this Metro Herald when you are finished with it
METRO HERALD Friday, December 19, 2014
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Friday, December 19, 2014 METRO HERALD
METRO HERALD Friday, December 19, 2014
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Cool and breezy with a mixture of clear spells and occasional cloudy periods. Some rain or hail showers, mostly in northern areas. Winds fresh and gusty westerly. Lowest temperatures 3°C to 6°C with a slight frost in sheltered areas.
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Tomorrow Cool and breezy with sunny spells and just a few well scattered showers. Top temperatures 7°C to 9°C. Fresh and gusty westerly 35kph winds will moderate later in the afternoon.
35kph
8˚C 7˚C
9˚C
9˚C 25kph
25kph
9˚C
9˚C
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17 °c
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13 °c
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12 °c 12 °c 15 °c 13 °c 17 °c
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Friday, December 19, 2014 METRO HERALD
THANKYOU and GOODBYE
To all our loyal and faithful Urbanites
by ALAN cAULfiELD
their lives. i wish i had invented Hailo. the pictures on your page are usually too small. Always save your work at regular intervals. the outpouring of affection on e-mail, social media and on the phone over the past few days has been absolutely overwhelming and a great comfort to the staff and merchandisers of Metro Herald. thank you so much for your kind words, to the people who read us, advertise with us, those who meet our merchandisers every day and whom we do business with, your support this week has meant the world to us. first and foremost, i would like to thank Paul Crosbie, our passionate and talented managing director who under very difficult circumstances fought the good fight on behalf of the staff and the paper, and never gave up. i would like to thank all our advertisers, freelance contributors and photographers, as well as the Pr people who contacted us on a regular
METRO
competition was good for both of us. i would like to thank the editors who have gone before me – launch editor Dave Monk, Mark Dorman and Chris Cowley – who set the bar sky high and who taught me and the Ireland offers help WIN 4 NIGHTS other staff here so much. IN LAS VEGAS so many talented and wonas quake toll rises derful people have come through these doors, it would be impossible to thank them all for fear of missing someone, so GREAT GUIDE i’ll limit myself to the great TO GOING OUT team who are currently here. Joanne Coughlan and her innovative and hardworking sales team – sharon Gray, Yvonne ALL THE BEST whelan, Kate McManus and SPORT ACTION Paul Kelly – and ruth Kavanagh in marketing, who were Way back then: First edition Oct 10, 2005 always a pleasure to deal with. Distribution manager Maria towey basis – despite what i said about the and her team of merchandisers, who four phone calls. are to a man and woman so enthusiasthank you also to Herald AM, with tic and friendly and whom so many of whom we eventually merged after you know by name and stop for a chat several years of squabbling – the with every morning.
FR EE
T minus 5, 4, 3, 2, 1… A few observAtions: People love finding mistakes in newspapers, then sharing them widely on social media. Mobile phone screens are a lot bigger than they used to be but it is now more difficult to text. when we dropped our tv listings, puzzles and horoscopes for a day. You got very, very angry. but not as angry as you did when we ran that pro-life ad. or the letter about the guy washing the cat in the toilet. ringing four different people in this office in five minutes about your press release does not make us more likely to use it. we were not called the Herald, Herald Metro, the evening Herald, Metro AM or Metro Éireann. we were Metro Herald, but you can just call us Metro because we can’t stop you. someone once wrote to me asking if there were any ‘sub-editing shits’ available. it’s a bad idea to put a picture of a train wreck beside an ad for irish rail. the story writing fairies have been perpetually on strike for the last nine years, so we had to do it ourselves. Ad sales is a difficult job. the best writers can’t spell to save
30,000
Published and printed in Dublin
Monday, October 10, 2005
WHAT’S IN YOUR NEW FREE DAILY NEWSPAPER
Page 22
MetroLife – Pages 17-19
Zena, 45, cries outside her home which was wrecked when the earthquake hit Jabala, India
Picture: Reuters
RESCUERS searched frantically in the rubble of towns and villages yesterday for survivors of a devastating earthquake feared to have killed at least 30,000 people in northern Pakistan and India.
More than 24 hours after the tremor, measuring 7.6 on the Richter scale, struck, hundreds of children were still trapped in collapsed schools in Pakistan. Another 150 people, including foreigners, were buried in two wrecked apartment blocks in the capital, Islamabad. Ireland was among the first countries to
BY ROSS McGUINNESS
offer aid, with an immediate pledge of €1million and a promise of more to come as the situation worsened. The EU promised €3.6million. Irish aid agencies were also mustering staff to send to the worst-hit areas. Pakistan’s president Pervez Musharraf thanked foreign countries for expressions of sympathy, but appealed for blankets and tents, helicopters and medicines. His military spokesman Major Gen Shaukat Sultan said: ‘There are many villages that have been wiped off the face
of the Earth.’ The quake, south Asia’s biggest for a century, was centred on forested mountains of Pakistani Kashmir, near the Indian border. Among countless tragic sights, hundreds of parents used picks, shovels and their bare hands as they tried to reach 850 children trapped in the rubble of two schools in Northwest Frontier Province. ‘Save me, call my mother, call my father,’ came the faint voice of a boy, from the rubble of a school in which 200 children were trapped.
Full reports – Pages 4 & 5
Pages 33-40
PLUS: Three-page TV guide
PAGES 20-22
A great paper that deserves a wonderful send-off Nearly ten years ago I took a laptop, told everyone at work I was going on holiday, then jetted off to Dublin to sit in an anonymous rented office and plan the launch of Metro Ireland. later, I persuaded anyone from the london Metro office with a faintly Irish-sounding name (and many other ‘volunteers’) to come over and join me in the Berkeley Court Hotel in
Ballsbridge for what ended up being months, living off takeaways, bar food and shop sandwiches, immersing ourselves in that beautiful city while waiting for court battles to end and trying to wrong-foot the opposition as to when we were going to launch. The number of phone calls I made or took on the roof as to whether we were ‘going live’ or not!
I met wonderful people, many of whom have become dear friends. I’m so sad to hear Metro Herald, as it’s now known, is to close and thank everyone who put their heart and soul into bringing Irish readers a muchneeded blast of fun, well-written snappy news and irreverence. Give it a wonderful send-off, guys. Dave Monk, editor 2005-2006
Unflappable finance director John fitzpatrick and Keith fallon on the finance team, who ensured everyone got paid or that those entertainment expenses weren’t getting out of hand. Mark Hurst, one of the finest graphic designers in the land. Lisa Higgins, who made sure those pesky ads that people had paid for were actually sent in and put on the pages. i would like to thank Liam Costello and his team at backbench – eoghan Moore, Peter Madden and Adam white – who have been laying out and subbing the highest quality newspaper pages. i would like to thank our editorial interns, the Davids Kearns and Hollywood, who will go onto great things. features editor Daragh reddin is an undiagnosed genius; i have never seen someone with the ability to pull seemingly fully formed works of art out of thin air with such calm. And i can safely say there is no way i could have survived in this job without the support, hard work and passion for news of our brilliant deputy editor, Joanne Ahern. finally, i want to thank you, the readers, whose feedback and input, good and bad, kept it all very interesting. thank you all and goodbye. *switches off lights* Alan Caulfield, editor 2010-2014 Please go to gometro.ie/farewell for a special farewell video message
METRO HERALD Friday, December 19, 2014
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Friday, December 19, 2014 METRO HERALD
Heads you win... D
showbiz Wednesday, April 6, 2011
MoDEL husbands who cook, clean and generally help around the house
by women report having sex less frequently
by john von radowitz
Ah korea, Ah Kia, leave Brit(s) out: Car maker drops leave it out, Ban ‘Provo’ model name The ‘leave ki-moon Pun-ishing: it out’ woman inspired warns kim our headline writers Monday, January 21, 2013
Eurovision with bite Vampires v Jedward P8
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Surfer Rossa Catching rays and waves in paradise P18
You cannot be rhinocerious rHIno horns have been removed from the natural History Museum over fears the exhibits will be stolen. Curators decided to replace the horns in the so-called Dead Zoo with replicas because of a spate of robberies across Europe that put visitors and staff at risk. the national Museum of Ireland said it regrets that the objects are no longer on view but that it had to take the decision in light of the security, health and safety risks involved. the illegal sale of rhino horn is now worth more than gold, diamonds, heroin or cocaine and is reported to be €60,000 a kilogramme. a spokeswoman said: ‘this increased risk specimens
By Sarah Stack
Europol last year revealed an organised crime gang from Ireland was masterminding the illegal trade in rhino horns around the world. the group, believed to be from the traveller community, were targeting auction rooms, galleries, museums, zoos and private collections in Europe.
they were then exploiting lucrative legal trade and selling them on to contacts in north and South america, South africa, China and australia for up to €200,000 a time. a number of properties ascribed to rhinoceros horn have all been denied by modern scientific research.
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Stuffed fish nets cannabis smuggler
pregnant pause
‘I keep getting dirty looks for drinking when I’m pregnant’: Dear Dolly »p17
PLUS: The very best of what’s
on in Dublin this week
MetroLife »p14
ah Herod, leave it out Sinead’s quitting Ireland. Jamaica? No, she wants to*
a CannaBIS smuggler was caught after a funny smell was noticed coming from a parcel of fish from africa that were stuffed with the drug. Father of five Fidel Kalala, 43, was also caught with cannabis herb hidden in his car outside his home in north Dublin. Customs officials originally intercepted a package which had a strong smell coming from it, Dublin Circuit Criminal Court heard. on opening it they discovered several fish which were stuffed with cannabis herb. they organised for the package to
www.GrabOne.ie/Dublin
by conor gallagher
last month but halfway through the be delivered to its intended address proceedings he changed his plea to and when Kalala’s wife accepted it guilty to the charge of possession of Gardaí got a search warrant for their cannabis for sale or supply. Defence counsel aileen Donnelly home. During the search in March 2009 said her client was a ‘forwarding they found the fish stuffed with can- person’, low down the ladder, and had no previous convictions. nabis. She handed in references and addWhen Kalala returned home, he had a set of car keys that opened the ed that Kalala, of Castlefield Woods, boot of a car outside which contained Clonsilla, but originally from the Congo, was a good father to his five more herbal cannabis. the total amount found was just children. Judge Mary Ellen ring put the over 4kg, worth €50,000. Kalala was arrested and stood trial matter back to January for sentence and ordered a probation report.
WINNING PAIR: Barack Obama is by wife Michelle after his victory speech during his electionembraced night rally in Chicago. The Democrat candidate beat Republican Mitt Romney president, promising ‘the best is yet to to win a second term as US come’ PICTURE: REUTERS »p4&5
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No sit Sherlock
Minister’s threat to walk out on web rights debate
TODAY’S GREAT DUBLIN DEAL
Give back our tax, man – Bachmann
PAWS FOR A CAUSE: Ronan Keating is pictured with Murray Whooley and his
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to re- By Lyndsey Telford THE mayor of Naas has been forced he to them sign amid allegations of racism after members said that I would be very courteous
Wednesday, January 16, 2013
Media Brand of the Year
the media edia awards 2012
Les Mis a dream come true for Hathaway »p9
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You’ve a horseSlane inside THE final line-up Tests reveal equine meat in beef burgers on Irish shelves
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Mr T ‘drug bust’: I pity the mule See Page 4 Picture: EPA
You picked a fine time to leave me loose heel Eva Longoria was looking as elegant as ever when she stepped out in New York... until she was almost toppled by her high heels. The Desperate Housewives star, 36, lost her poise after appearing on the David Letterman show, where she was promoting her new cookery book Picture: Xposure TA GH@D EAC PCBOO@DA KGGL KBL@ JC@F MD@ RGNNBSQ
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the media awards 2012
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asylum plight is a ‘scandal’
It’s not working: Children of asylum seekers join hundreds on a march to the Department of Justice to call for an end to the direct provision system
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GARDAÍ were called to a top chess tournament after one of Ireland’s best players claimed he caught toilet cheating by using a tablet computer his opponent in the to get moves from a chess engine. Gardaí were called to the hotel venue after allegations of assault were made by one of the coaches. Romanian-born Gabriel Mirza, 47, said he was on his way to winning the Cork Congress Chess Open and a prize of €400 when he noticed strange behaviour by his 16-year-old opponent from a well-known fee-paying Dublin school. Metro Herald’s attempts to contact the school last night were unsuccessful. ‘After each move he went to the toilet, at least 20 times,’ said Mr Mirza. ‘I found him in the toilet with an Android checking the moves with a chess engine. I tried to get over the cubicle
by joanne ahern
THE State could be left apologising for another scandal if asylum seekers are kept institutionalised, retired Supreme Court judge Catherine McGuinness has warned. And she said Justice Minister Alan Shatter ‘could be chased through the courts’ if the children of immigrants are not treated as equals in children’s referendum. Up to 300 peopleline with the marched to his department as part of a day of action provision, the hostel-style accommodatio to end direct n which houses some 4,800 asylum seekers, a third children. They are not allowed to work, of whom are but get their meals and an allowance of €19.10 a week and €9.60 for a child. Ms McGuinness for an adult said the system, a ‘panic reaction’ during the boom, has been allowed to drag on. The march heard people are being forced to live in misery and poverty for years.
Chess star expelled from tournament after finding teen rival ‘cheating’ in toilet Angered: Gabriel Mirza
‘His coach avoided me and he called the za. ‘I was interviewed by a garda. I was Garda,’ said Mr Mirwall to grab the tablet. But I wanted told I won my game a witness, so I ran straight the guy admitted to the controller, Mr Gerry Graham, his fraud. We were both stopped to play as and called him to follow last round.’ [the] me immediately,’ said Mr Mirza. ‘I was stopped to win the tournament,’ ‘The organisers, Mr Michael Bradley, Mr Mirza, 47, told the and another adult ap- Limerick Chronicle proached the Gents [and] followed newspaper. me inside where I forced ‘But the main problem the cubicle door and pulled this guy out. And then I was stopped has lived in Limerick is about cheating,’ said Mr Mirza, who by people behind me.’ for 15 years. ‘I am waiting to see the reaction from the Irish Chess Union.’ Mr Mirza said he later apologised to the organisers for overIn an email to Mr Mirza, Mr Graham reacting at the tournament held in the said he did not allow Metropole Hotel, Cork. him to resume the final round because Mr Graham, arbiter for the Cork Congress, of the assault. Mr Mirza, who was from the tournament for his over-reaction, who expelled him was unavailable for Youth championships,head of the Irish delegation at the World comment. says cheating in the sport needs to be stopped.
METRO HERALD Friday, December 19, 2014
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Magnus Ramsay: Mitch
SOME people stand in the darkness, afraid to step into the light, as the Baywatch theme goes. But not Belfast businessman Magnus Ramsay. He’s stepping out of obscurity, into a pair of lifeguard shorts and onto the red carpet as the world’s only professional David Hasselhoff lookalike. Kitt’s sidekick became crimebuster Michael Knight after plastic surgery transformed him from an ordinary undercover cop into a suave, leatherjacketed vigilante. And in a parallel storyline Magnus went for simple laser eye surgery which left him looking more like David Hasselhoff than mild-mannered Magnus Ramsay. Hassled by Hoff-lovers as he walked the streets of Belfast, Magnus was repeatedly stopped by people asking for autographs and photo opportunities. ‘After my eyes were lasered, the whole thing just exploded,’ he said. After a mobbing at a Belfast nightclub, he decided to capitalise on his celebrity resemblance and is closing
BY MARKHAM NOLAN his manufacturing company to become a full-time Hoffalike. For around E650 for a three-hour appearance, Magnus is now available to give special events a turbo boost. ‘We’ve all been given a talent,’ Magnus told Metro yesterday. ‘Mine just happens to be that I look like David Hasselhoff.’ Martial arts actor Chuck Norris has two full-time lookalikes in the UK and four in the US, while there are more than 20 fake Pamela Andersons dotted around the globe. Queries from as far afield as Australia have flooded into the Fake Faces agency ever since Magnus’s profile went online, and he is expected to appear as Knight Rider in a string of German motor shows in the coming months. ‘As far as I can make out, he seems to be the world’s largest cult star,’ said Magnus, who reckons that as the world’s only fake Hoff, he’s in for a busy time.
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Grin and bear it: The origin of the polar bear was revealed in our pages
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Beach body: Magnus has sold his business to pursue his dream
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Feast your eyes on our Page 3s Who do you think you Pee & Poo, toys who are kidding Mr Kitler? are a wee bit pants BY ROSS McGUINNESS
THEY are fuzzy. They are cute. They bear a striking resemblance to one of history’s most evil men. These are The Kitlers, and chances are they could be invading a country near you. Just because they look like Adolf Hitler doesn’t mean they are not immune to the fun promised by a ball of string. Yet this band of Swastikats strike fear into their fellow fraus and felines, and they have now stormtroopered their way on to the Internet. On the Cats That Look Like Hitler website, pet owners can upload their potential Pussolinis for the world to purr over. ‘Does your cat look like Adolf Hitler?’ the website asks. ‘Do you wake up in a cold sweat every night, wondering if he’s going to up and
Bush girl causes concert chaos
RADIOHEAD singer Thom Yorke was less than impressed when he found out that one of George W Bush’s daughters had been at the band’s concert in New York. The singer, an outspoken critic of the American president, claimed he saw fans being ‘manhandled’ as the unnamed twin’s security cleared the way for her to leave the show. He said if he had known at the time what was causing the commotion his objections would have been ‘more forthright and extensive’. ‘We did wonder what the manhandling and fighting was in the distance,’ Yorke wrote on the band’s website. ‘Turns out it was her six bodyguards clearing the way for the first daughter’s exit. Some poor soul objected at being manhandled by the secret service. I think I would have too.’ The New York Daily News said the daughter in question was probably Barbara Bush, who was in the city at the time.
The unfashionable moustache…
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What’s new?: Adolf Hitler
Heil-o Kitty: Disturbing feline news stories were a must for our editor
invade Poland?’ Once posted on the site, the Cazis are rated by web users. One dictator-like moggy drew the following response: ‘What a noble cat! He has the smug, self-assured eyes of a controlled maniac.’ The website’s very own Chairman Miaow is Dutchman Koos Plegt, who came up with the idea after encountering a Kitler in his hometown of Zwolle. ‘Most cats possess that typically feline facial expression that implies a secret longing for world domination,’ he says on the site. ‘All cats want to rule the world, that’s part of the nature of the species. ‘But to be a genuine Kitler there has to be some other similarity with the notorious German dictator. ‘We’re looking for that tiny, unfashionable moustache. Or does it have the flockof-seagulls hairdo? An evil glint in its eye? A true Kitler will have all of the above.’ Lick – I mean click – on www.catsthatlooklikehitler.com to get a glimpse of the evil felines.
The evil glint in the eye…
Der Fur-er: A true Kitler will show all the characteristics
Purr’d Reich: Secret longing
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ANIMALS of all shapes and sizes helped to launch an exhibition at the Imperial War Museum in London which marks their role in war. Dogs, horses, ferrets and even a goat joined author Jilly Cooper for the opening of The Animals’ War exhibition. Among them
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was hero police explosives dog Jake, who cleared a path for rescuers after the July 7 blast in Tavistock Square. His handler, PC Bob Crawford, said it was important that animals were recognised for their work. The exhibition opens to the public tomorrow.
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Tiger tale: Always first with the big cat news
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Water lark: The kids are alright... we think
Bottom of the barrel: No stone was left unturned in our hunt for news
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That’s my ball: The Irish team (in black and white) fight to gain control of the match
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SNAKES have been recruited as undercover cops to help lure rogue reptiles out of Florida’s swamps. Scientists have implanted three lusty pythons with radio transmitters and let them loose to find mates in the Everglades, where non-native snakes have bred out of control after being dumped by pet owners. When the pythons get lucky, the signal from their radio device tells scientists where to find them and their new partners. National park biologist Skip Snow and a team from the University of Florida have so far captured 12 renegade snakes with the help of their slippery squad. The largest measured 4.8m and weighed 69kg. Experts say the interlopers have to be removed because they are upsetting the balance of nature by eating endangered species of wading birds and muskrats. ‘W don’t want
BY JOHN HIGGINSON Ms Meggitt said: ‘I wasn’t sure who would buy the toys but it turns out that kids absolutely love them. ‘They go through that potty phase at about three when everything is pee and poo and they find it hilarious. ‘The reaction from children was so good I started doing a range of kids clothes with the characters on them and they are selling really well too.’ Dr Pat Spungin, founder of parenting website raisingkids.co.uk, said: ‘By three of four, children know that talking about pee and poo is naughty when they go to their grandparents there is a great temptation to do so.’ One Dublin toy shop owner said yesterday: ‘I’m not sure how well they would be received. As a parent, I ’ i i i h ’ h id
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A CENTURY after Sigmund Freud said toddlers were obsessed with their bowel movements, a toy will fill the gap in the market. The cuddly characters Pee and Poo, a yellow droplet and chunky brown dollop, are set to fly off the shelves when they hit Irish stores soon. They have already proved a massive success in Scandinavia and the US – and it won’t be long before they invade Ireland. The toys are designed by Emma Meggitt, 32, who had the potty idea while studying graphic design at the University of Gothenburg in Sweden. Cuddly Pee and Poo toys will sell for around E32, T-shirts for E22 and keyrings for E8. The toilet humour characters also feature on a range of pre-soiled d k df k
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Snakes turn to undercover ops
Dollop of naughty: Pee and Poo are all the rage in Scandinavia and the US, and it won’t be long before they grace Irish shops
BY FINIAN DAVERN THEY went on a quest to restore a nation’s sporting honour. Now five Irish men have returned triumphant from their battles in Nepal against the world’s finest elephant polo players after being crowned amateur world champions. Only one of the team members had actually ridden an elephant before they set off three weeks ago and, as there are no elephants in the Republic, some had resorted to learning how to balance on wooden elephants and on the top of 4x4 vehicles. But teams including England, Sweden and a crack squad of Gurkha soldiers succumbed to the revolutionary tactics of Team Ireland, which included UTV sports presenter Graham Little and his younger brother Warren. ‘We held a few training sessions
Mice help fight brain disorders
MICE with small amounts of human brain cells have been created in an effort to make realistic models of neurological disorders, scientists announced this week. Researchers at the Salk Institute in San Diego created the mice by injecting human embryonic stem cells into the brains of 14-day-old rodent embryos. Those mice were each born with about 0.1 per cent of human cells in their heads. Researchers argue that mingling human and animal tissue is vital to ensuring that experimental drugs and new tissue replacement therapies are safe for people.
Victory: The Irish team after their sporting triumph
behind closed doors, because we had no real idea we’d be able to ride the elephants, but soon got into the swing of it,’ said team member Colin Carroll, whose day job is in a legal practice in Listowel, Co Kerry. ‘We played the first few games in a diamond with some wide men, but
ended up letting in too many goals, so we completely changed our tactics to a 1-1-1-1 system, and that meant no one got past us,’ explained the 34year-old, who became the first player in the history of the sport to play left-handed. ‘All the other sides’ elephants had to
go down the wings and didn’t get anywhere near the goal. ‘I played at the back, planning on being like an elephant-sized Roy Keane, and because I was playing left handed, I was able to charge attackers and hook them without the referee seeing,’ he said. ‘But the tactic didn’t go down well, especially when my elephant went berserk after one clash. But we went there to win and it worked.’ Ireland beat Sweden’s International Tigresses and Doms’ Dragons 6-2 in the amateur final. There were also some hairy moments off the pitch during their two-week stay. After one training session, their truck had to be rescued by an elephant after getting stuck in the middle of a crocodile-infested river. And during a team walk through the jungle, they were prowled by a Bengali tiger
which had been blamed for killing three locals in the previous two weeks. The team has not yet decided whether to defend the title. The idea to take part originally came during a night out drinking after a challenge ice hockey match between Team Ireland and a Latvian all-stars team, which Ireland lost 12-4. That had followed an Olympic bobsleigh challenge, the release of a boy band single in Poland, and a one-tank road trip from Ireland that left them stranded near Zagreb, Croatia. ‘I was riding on an elephant after the final and was watching the behind of an elephant in front of me, and then it came to me,’ explained Carroll. ‘All I can say at the moment are the words ‘sumo’, ‘Japan’ and ‘next year’. We are all proud of what we have done, but we all agree it’s time for us to look for a new challenge.’
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Why Friends star Jen likes to sleep ruff FRIENDS actress Jennifer Aniston says she snuggles up with her dog Norman – in his basket – when she feels lonely. ‘He sleeps in his bed. He doesn’t like to get in my bed,’ the actress told TV show Access Hollywood. ‘I can sleep in his bed, which I have done. I know that sounds insane but I have crawled into his bed.’ She explained: ‘It’s a little doggy bed – it’s shocking that I can fit in it but hey, we all get lonely. I can curl up in and sleep in for an extra 20 minutes – is that weird?’ The star – who recently received a GQ woman of the year award – went
on to reveal that she wasn’t entirely happy with the sexy cover shoot for the mag – because it showed too much of her breasts. ‘I would have preferred a little less of the boob – I think less is more,’ Aniston said. The 36-year-old also spoke for the first time about her new lawsuit against a photographer accused of taking sexy topless snaps of her. The actress filed last week against a man she claims took the photographs while she was ‘topless or otherwise partially clothed’ inside her home. In the court papers she claimed to have suffered ‘shame, hurt feelings,
embarrassment, humiliation and feelings of being violated’ as a result of the pictures. She said: ‘What makes me mad is that this guy, he has the balls to go with a telephoto lens and stand across a canyon and take a photograph. It’s about setting a precedent. That’s all it is. It’s ridiculous. It’s insane.’ She continued: ‘There are privacy laws. When it comes to my personal privacy and anyone else’s personal privacy, I’ll set the precedent. I would much rather not let anybody get away with that. I don’t give a flying hoot what people think.’
Strange bedfellow: Jennifer
Trunk call: Alternative sports back in 2005
Guns ’n’ moans: The great Axl Rose water fight
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A great TV for family homes with its Smart home page and web browser, image and sound enhance technologies and LG Magic Remote compatibility.
Play back your favourite songs and albums in high quality over this 40W system even if they’re stored externally.
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All SMART products will require an internet connection to enable certain features. LED TVs will be Edge or Backlit, please see online or ask in store for further information. 2We’ll match our competitor’s store or website Irish price. The competitor’s product must be brand new, identical to ours, and offered on the same terms. We and the competitor must have stock ready for delivery. We must be able to verify the competitor’s price and stock position. We’ll match the price of a product; not delivery charges or other services. Cannot be used with any other offer. 3Claims must be made between 21 & 60 days after purchase. Conditions apply. Offer via redemption. Valid from 03/12/14 to 24/12/14. For further details visit www.currys.ie/cashbackterms. 4Receive a ¤90 Nespresso Club Reward, when you purchase any Nespresso Cappuccino machine until 31st January 2015. Enjoy ¤30 off each of your next 3 orders. 5Cashback terms and conditions www.canon.ie/ wintercashback. 6Internet connection required. Website offers and prices may vary. All offers subject to availability. DSG Retail Ireland, Unit 9A, The Park, Carrickmines, Dublin 18. Company No. 259460.
10 METRO HERALD Friday, December 19, 2014
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The big cat scan
YOU’VE heard of a CAT scan for humans, but now the procedure is being used on one of the world’s biggest cats. Gov, a twoyear-old African lioness, yesterday had a CAT (computerised axial tomography) scan at Rambam Hospital in Haifa, Israel. The city’s Educational Zoo brought Gov to hospital to check if the queen of the jungle suffers from a Vitamin A deficiency, an illness which tends to affect the species in captivity.
Cat nap: Gov is given medication in preparation for her scan and, inset, Gov’s actual scan image
Picture: Getty
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We were completely animal mad in Metro Herald. The cuter and funnier, the better, sure, but sometimes we needed no excuse. All together now: Aww...
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THERE IS A SANTA CLAWS
A macaque in a mac (well, a nice sheepskin coat) goes shopping
Animal magic: A guinea pig wears a Santa Claus costume at a show in Moscow that also included a sprinting contest Picture: Reuters
The funky monkey from ikea
Out of his tree: Darwin makes the most of his freedom around the Ikea store before being relieved of his coat and nappy, and put in a cage to await a new home, possibly one with lots of flat-pack furniture and meatballs Picture: reuters
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Shine on: Wearing headlamps, Ross and Outsider’s Heather Irvine leave the bright lights of Dublin behind
Get set, go: Participants set out from Dublin Castle at midnight
d a o r y k c The ro I s, left, dreams of his
than 1km to go, Ros er raphy.ie/Gavin Lyons – Outsid yes one does. With less s: John Shiels – ActionPhotog walk to Wicklow: Oh One does not simply from Outsider magazine keeps spirits up Picture s bed, while Gavin Lyon
’m at home in Los Angeles, and I’ve just received the news that this is to be my very last Ross Angeles. metro Herald is soon to be no more. I am gutted to hear that the newspaper that gave me my first proper start in journalism is to close, almost ten years to the day since I first walked into the office fresh-faced and totally clueless. I’d gotten the job quite by accident. Having written a story about mRSA (remember that?) in veterinary clinics (a friend who worked in an mRSA lab had given me my first awesome scoop) another paper had agreed to publish the story. I was using the super-clever pseudonym Graham mcOdisson, which was an anagram of ‘I am Ross mcDonagh’ (did I mention how clued in at journalism I was?) I knew no one would ever figure it out – what are the chances someone else would have read Harry Potter?
Wednesday, April 6, 2011 News
What goes up, must come down (screaming and crying)
But then disaster struck: the paper didn’t want the story when the vet I was quoting changed his mind about admitting his clinic had the bacteria. my career was ruined before it even began. Desperately I sought another publication I could foist it on… what about Ireland On Sunday! (remember that?) It was Sunday, and being on the pulse in the world of journalism, I thought a Sunday paper would be staffed on a Sunday. Instead, metro (remember that?) editor mark Dorman picked up the phone. Now, every journalism student in the country knew that a brand new newspaper had just arrived in Ireland, with precious staff reporter slots to be filled. Being on the pulse in the world of journalism, I’d never even heard of metro. One breakout box of puns about a horse that liked to eat curries (Tikka ma-saddle, Frankie Tandoori, etc, etc) and I was given a job. Since that day in Dublin alone I’ve
Don’t look ’Downe By Ross McDonagh
YOU don’t really appreciate how high the Aviva Stadium is until you’re standing on the rafters leaning backwards with nothing but 50metres of fresh air between you and its floor. moments earlier, I had been looking up at the red liquorice whip they claimed would bear all 70kg (11 stone) of me, when a scream reverberated around an empty Lansdowne Road. A plummeting body doesn’t materialise, so I look around and realise a group of schoolgirls has just reached the tiers on a tour of the stadium – why must schoolgirls scream at everything? It’s not the most nerve-settling sound before climbing up above the metal girders reserved for maintenance crews and pigeons. And speaking of things you don’t want to hear, how about this: after you’ve clambered over the safety rail, you’re standing on an iron beam, leaning back at a 45 degree angle,
I double dare you: Our man Ross ‘McPlummet’ salutes the baying crowds, well, the empty field, during his abseil at the Aviva Stadium in Dublin
‘A scream reverberated around the stadium’ looking over your shoulder, slowly releasing your grip on the outside of the handrail and letting the rope take your entire weight, when the safety guy says: ‘hang on, we’re in trouble’. He hasn’t got the same panicked terror in his eyes as I assume I now have, so I’m guessing our definitions of ‘in trouble’ differ. Although he’s not the one swinging from the roof on a bit of string… Turns out I’m not in danger of dying, just in danger of the rope being on the wrong side. A quick bit of rope fiddling and I’m good to go. When I originally agreed to ‘abseil down the Aviva’ for the launch of the
Pictures: Brendan Duffy
Relief: Ross, with Ray Shah of Dublin’s Q102, celebrate their return to terra firma
inaugural Dublin Adventure Race, for some reason I pictured a wall I could walk vertically down, and claw at with my fingernails in a probable vain
attempt to slow my descent if and when I fell. But it’s all free-fall – as you will see for yourself if you are courageous
got to judge beer competitions, Budapest and live it up like a millionlearned how to become a master bar- aire in New York. rista, tasted the most expensive cockIt wasn’t all fun and games though. tail in the world, crashed a (virtual) I’ve had to write the same story on airliner killing all on board, abseiled property prices every day for about from the roof of the Aviva, scripted six months. I’ve had to fill pages and and presented a TV series, pages every year in those flown a helicopter, sailed stupid CAO supplements. a yacht, kitebuggied, (Hey students, the kayaked, and walked deadline is approachfrom Dublin Castle for filling in I’ve learned most of ing to Glenmalure in your college applithe things I consider Wicklow. cations. Um, that’s I’ve got to test all you need to worth knowing while drive cars in Portuknow, so here’s working at Metro gal, snowboard in 3,000 more words). Austria, ski in ScotI’ve had to come up Herald land, recycle in Amwith umpteen new sterdam, trek through ways to tell Dubliners it Peru, race racing cars in Kilwas raining (Dublin In Bad dare, sample beer in Germany, Weather Shocker). And then there watch U2 play in Paris, skydive over was the annual Ladies Day at the Offaly, surf in Spain, Scubadive in Dublin Horse show story. (This womCork, attend film premieres in Edin- an wore this hat today. And this other burgh, interview film directors in woman wore this other hat.) London, shop the Xmas markets of Other than that though, it has been a
“
This is for the birds: The height of the abseil becomes more apparent, left, and the stomachchurning view from the top, right
enough to sign up for the race. Abseiling from the roof of the Aviva stadium is just one of the challenges, which include biking, running, street
orienteering, kayaking, assault course and other ‘surprises’. Go to www.dublindaresyou.com to register or get more info.
pretty sweet gig. I’ve worked with some awesome people, made some amazing friends and learned most of the things I consider worth knowing. Not to mention, it was while ‘living it up like a millionaire’ mentioned above (thank you National Lottery) that I met my wife-to-be, who gave birth to our second son mere weeks ago. So I guess I have metro Herald to thank for that too. And now here I am living in Los Angeles, hanging out with the likes of Tom Hanks, Halle Berry, Ryan Gosling, Channing Tatum, Jim Carrey and Colin Farrell. (When I say hang out, I mean I’m allowed in the same room as them for 20 minutes before being swiftly ushered out.) Anyway, I am proud to have been a part of something that I feel became part of Dublin over the past decade. Even from 8,300km away, this paper was one of my favourite links to home. Slán go fóill. @rossvsross
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Friday, December 19, 2014 METRO HERALD
13
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2014 Christmas and New Year Arrangements Monday 22nd and Tuesday 23rd December 2014 A weekday service will operate on all routes. All Nitelink routes will operate as per normal weekend service. City Tour, Ghostbus Tour and Coastal Tours will not operate. Wednesday 24th December 2014 A Saturday service will operate on all routes with buses stopping at approx. 21:00hrs. The Airlink service will operate until 23:30hrs. Nitelinks, City Tour, Ghostbus Tour and Coastal Tour will not operate. Thursday 25th December 2014 No service. Friday 26th December 2014 A Sunday service will operate on all routes. Nitelinks, City Tour, Ghostbus Tour and Coastal Tour will not operate.
"/CC? )C5?6 *88 A5>8/A3 +0C 207
Saturday 27th December 2014 A Saturday service will operate on all routes. All Nitelink routes will operate as per normal weekend service. City Tour, Ghostbus Tour and Coastal Tours will operate.
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Sunday 28th December 2014 A Sunday service will operate on all routes. City Tour and Coastal Tours will operate. Nitelinks and Ghostbus Tour will not operate.
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Monday 29th December 2014 A Saturday service will operate on all routes. City Tour, Ghostbus Tour and Coastal Tours will operate. Nitelinks will not operate. Tuesday 30th December 2014 A Saturday service will operate on all routes. City Tour, Ghostbus Tour and Coastal Tours will operate. Nitelinks will not operate. Wednesday 31st December 2014 A Saturday service will operate on all routes with buses stopping at approx. 22:00hrs. The Airlink service will operate until 23:30hrs. All Nitelink routes will operate as per normal weekend service. City Tour and Coastal Tours will operate. Ghostbus Tour will not operate. Thursday 1st January 2015 A Sunday service will operate on all routes. City Tour and Coastal Tours will operate. Nitelinks and Ghostbus Tour will not operate. Friday 2nd January 2015 A weekday service will operate on all routes. All Nitelink routes will operate as per normal weekend service. City Tour, Coastal Tours and Ghostbus Tour will operate. Saturday 3rd January 2015 A Saturday service will operate on all routes. All Nitelink routes will operate as per normal weekend service. City Tour, Coastal Tours and Ghostbus Tour will operate. Customer Service Phone Lines & Social Media
Lost Property
Opening Hours
Customer Booking Office Service Desk
Wed 24/12/2014
09:00 - 14:00
09:00 - 14:00
08:30 - 15:00
08:45 - 13:00
Thurs 25/12/2014
Closed
Closed
Closed
Closed
Fri 26/12/2014
Closed
Closed
Closed
Closed
Sat 27/12/2014
09:00 - 14:00
09:00 - 14:00
08:30 - 18:00
Closed
Sun 28/12/2014
09:30 - 14:00
Closed
Closed
Closed
Mon 29/12/2014
09:00 - 17:30
09:00 - 17:30
08:30 - 18:00
08:45 - 17:00
Tues 30/12/2014
09:00 - 17:30
09:00 - 17:30
08:30 - 18:00
08:45 - 17:00
Wed 31/12/2014
09:00 - 17:30
09:00 - 17.30
08:30 - 16:30
08:45 - 17:00
Thurs 01/01/2015
09:30 - 14:00
Closed
Closed
Closed
Fri 02/01/2015
09:00 - 17:30
09:00 - 17:30
08:30 - 18:00
08:45 - 17:00
Sat 03/01/2015
09:00 - 14:00
09:00 - 14:00
08:30 - 18:00
Closed
Help and contact
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customercomment@dublinbus.ie
(01) 873 4222
#dublinbusnews
14 METRO HERALD Friday, December 19, 2014
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MANCHESTER United appeared to fall further into crisis as MUTV chiefs were forced to scrap an interview with captain Roy Keane last night. The Republic of Ireland midfielder was expected to analyse United’s display in their humiliating 4-1 away defeat at Middlesbrough on Saturday as part of the regular ‘Plays the Pundit’ series. But it is thought his assessment proved too vicious for some senior members of the club’s hierarchy, who ordered the programme to be pulled. Instead, MUTV executives were forced to show academy action, offering no explanation for the swift change. United officials offered no comment either, while sources close to Keane claimed no knowledge of the decision. Other than criticising manager Sir Alex Ferguson or owner Malcolm Glazer, it is difficult to imagine what could have caused such controversy. He has previously used the station to condemn the attitude of some younger members of the squad, while also stating his belief this season would be his last at Old Trafford. But instead, it was left to Holland striker Ruud van Nistelrooy to offer his verdict on the miserable performance on Teesside. Van Nistelrooy said: ‘There is a very negative feeling after Saturday. It was a bad performance and we didn’t do ourselves or the fans justice.’ My fault, says Edwin: Page 38
VILLA TORMENTED BY OLD BOY VASSELL
Picture: Action Images
Ex-rated: Darius Vassell fires home the second of his two goals against former club Aston Villa during Manchester City’s 3-1 win at the City of Manchester Stadium last night Match report: Page 39
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More women want divorce than men
TWICE as many women are filing for divorce as men, according to statistics to mark the 10th anniversary of the vote to legalise divorce in the State. Anti-divorce campaigners narrowly lost the 1995 vote even after scare slogans such as ‘Hello Divorce, Bye Bye Daddy’ tried to argue the change was an errant fathers’ charter. But it is actually women who are benefiting from the ability to get out of failing marriages. Last year, 3,347 divorces were granted in Irish courts, a 12.7 per cent increase on 2003, with twothirds of the applicants being women. The same male-female ratio applied in 1,258 judicial separations. The figures were unveiled last week at an EU family law conference in London.
Ready to return: Duff
DAMIEN DUFF last night insisted there was no cause for panic at Stamford Bridge. The Ireland winger returns for Chelsea’s Champions League clash at Real Betis tonight after missing the last five games through injury. The Blues were held by Everton and then knocked out of the Carling Cup by Charlton last week. They also let a two-goal lead slip against Blackburn in the Premiership on Saturday before winning 4-2. Duff said: ‘Many people were seeing it as a crisis but we weren’t. We didn’t feel that way at all – it shows how strong we are to bounce back in the way we did against Blackburn. We had worse points during last season.’ Duff also said he was heartbroken not to be going to the World Cup, adding: ‘It is a disappointment not to be going as it’s a massive stage. But I am looking forward to the rest of the season. ‘The Champions League means I am playing against some of the best players in the world and it has more prominence for me now because I am not going to the World Cup.’
5
Father: My grief at Jehovah girl’s death A GRIEVING father has spoken for the first time of his agony at having to refuse his daughter a blood transfusion because of his religion. Raymond O’Leary, a Jehovah’s Witness, refused to let his 15-year-old daughter Sarah have a potentially lifesaving blood transfusion after she was critically injured when she was hit by a jeep earlier this month. Wexford General Hospital stepped in and applied to the courts for an order to allow the transfusion. Nevertheless, she still died. Mr O’Leary, a garda officer, told Metro he understood why the order was granted. ‘They are always applied for and they are always granted. The Constitution takes precedence,’ he said. ‘At the moment it’s the law and we abide by the law and we understand that doctors have an ethical problem. We are sympathetic and understand. We’re rea-
Page 36
Blues are nerveless, says Duff
Monday, November 21, 2005 METRO
I SPY
BY ROSS McGUINNESS
sonable.’ He added: ‘She was our only daughter. She was a loveable wee thing.’ transAfter the transfusion, Sarah was trans ferred to Beaumont Hospital in Dublin, where she died in the early hours of November 11, leaving Raymond and his wife Mary devastated. Jehovah’s Witnesses object to blood transfusions because of the Bible’s instruction to ‘keep abstaining from blood’ in the Book of Acts. ‘There are many alternatives to blood, such as erythropoietin, which stimulates marrow,’ the manufacture of blood in bone marrow co-ordinasaid Arthur Matthews, national co-ordina tor of Jehovah’s Witnesses in Ireland. He said the wishes of patients and families are always ‘paramount’. However, the courts and the Garda have successfully secured transfusions against their Jehovah’s Witness parents’ wishes.
Working Just To Pay The Bills??
PHIL LYNOTT WHAT IS IT?
Thin Lizzy frontman Phil Lynott (1949-1986)
WHERE IS IT?
Harry Street, Dublin.
WHO MADE IT?
Sculptor Paul Daly. It was cast in bronze by Leo Higgins.
WHAT’S THE STORY?
Combine all loans and reduce Payments by up to 50%
The life-sized statue was commissioned by the Roisín Dubh Trust, which was set up to commemorate the life and work of Lynott. It was unveiled this year on August 19, a day before the singer’s 56th birthday, and depicts Lynott leaning on a bass guitar with his tie flapping in the wind. At the unveiling were Lynott’s Thin Lizzy bandmates and his mother, Philomena. Lynott, 36, died in 1986 from a drug overdose.
Get Cash-back for Home Improvements, New Car, Holiday, YOU DECIDE.
Magical numbers for Potter movie
HARRY POTTER cast a spell over moviegoers during the weekend, as the fourth film in the fantasy series about a young wizard smashed sales records around the world. Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire was No.1 in all 19 countries where it opened and sold an estimated $154million worth of tickets. The film is based on the book by British author J.K. Rowling and stars 16-year-old Daniel Radcliffe in the title role. A new addition to the cast is The English Patient actor Ralph Fiennes as the evil Lord Voldemort, who helped give the film a darker tone than its predecessors. Exit polling showed that more adults turned up than usual, indicating that the franchise’s appeal is spreading beyond families.
Blushing bride: Christina weds with style
Picture: Big Pictures
Beautiful Christina’s stunning ceremony POP princess Christina Aguilera has married record label executive Jordan Bratman in a lavish sunset ceremony held at a secluded vineyard in the stunning hills of the Californian Napa Valley wine-growing region. Aguilera, 24, swapped her
usual trashy image for a traditional white dress as she tied the knot surrounded by close friends and family. Aguilera and Bratman got engaged in February after he presented her with a e95,000 engagement ring. They have been dating since 2002.
1890 65 1890
LOW-CALL 8am-8pm Mon-Sat Or Apply-Online @ www.mortgageline.ie apply. Stephen Hamilton mortgage or any other loan secured on it. Terms and conditions Your Home is at risk if you do not keep up payments on a tied agent of Irish Life Plc. the Financial Regulator as a Mortgage Intermediary and as a Financial Services Ltd trading as MortgageLine is regulated by
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Friday, December 19, 2014 METRO HERALD
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WE defy you not to find ‘something in your eye’ when you read this. Ken Rogan is a stand-up up guy. He also gave ga the editor a bottle of veryy nice nic whiskey ey as a parting gift. gif But that had no influence on him being called a stand-up guy, none whatsoever.
METRO HERALD Thursday, April 26, 2012
Wholly
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Thursday
KEn ROgAn pays tribute to the humble mutt, and wonders why some of them end up with such silly names
I
‘Darcy!’ I called. ‘You mustn’t f Pixar film Up was Tom tarry – come hither at once!’ Cruise, and I was Renee It’s different, but just as silly in Zellweger, you had me at talking dog. And oh, how my town. Here in Ringsend it seems that the smaller the dog, the bigger heart soared: ‘My name is Dug. I have just met the name, so the place is swarming you and I love you. SQUIRREL!’ with jack russells, pugs and terriers They nailed it. A dog’s love is so called Brutus, Rocky and Rambo. boundless and sincere it melts your One local kid even has a swan on a heart, and to make a dog talk and lead. Calls him Swanno. Okay, that provide sentience without cynicism might not be true. And at least dogs in the city get was genius. They preserved the innocence that makes dogs so good. names, not like country mutts, who Cats are grand. They’re fine. But are just called ‘dahg’, or ‘get out!’ if you gave a cat a voice, it would Apparently no rural dog owner is probably ask you if you were going happy until the dog becomes a carchasing psycho with a milky eye. to go out dressed like that? I’m not here to have go at cats. If The poor creature lives outside the you want to own one, leave a win- driveway until it becomes a dow open. It will happen eventually. thatched, matted tumbleweed. Us squeamish city types can’t This is about dogs, and dogs are nature’s home-run. Noble. Faithful. manage this brutal negligence. Our dogs are virtual family memStupid. And smelly, let’s be bers. So much so in fact, they’re sometimes honest. A wet dog stinks. And that’s spoiled altogether. If in doubt, apply before they get old Let’s be honest, a this simple rule: and start farting all wet dog stinks, and the time. Plus Any dog that their breath can turns its nose up that’s before they at you is a dog wilt flowers. get old and start that needs a good Nothing worse kick up the hole. than a dog panting farting all the time But then somein your face. Something bad happens times they pant because they’re hot. Someand they really are like times it’s because they’re your children. One time I came into my mother’s house after stressed. A lot of the time though, it’s be- a few weeks away and there was cause they have been living on a our other, older labrador, Chloe, at diet of chocolate and table scraps. the top of the stairs. I panicked. I Indeed it’s the rich food that kills didn’t want her to move because I most of them in the end. It is un- knew she couldn’t manage coming pleasant but true to say that your down on her old legs anymore, but average Irish city-dwelling dog eats she was ecstatic to see me and she better than whole sections of the tried before I could stop her. That’s third world. Probably gets better dogs for you. Love and enthusiasm over-riding self-preservation. medicine too. Irish dogs do have very stupid Her front legs gave way and she names, however. In the suburbs of collapsed down ten steps onto the Dublin, dogs bear outrageously small landing. I ran over the way pretentious titles like Leon, Ferdia, parents do when their babies fall, or Beatrice. My mother has a small instantly sure that her leg would be labrador called Darcy, which is just broken, sure that we would have to ridiculous. What is this, Jane bring her to the vet. Then the vet would walk from his room, removAusten? ing some disposable item, a face mask, some rubber gloves, and he would smile in sympathy, but shake his head. Took me far less than a second to think all that. That was over a year ago, and Chloe is dead now, bless her. We had to put her down before Christmas. Her legs just got too old to hold her. I had a dream the other night where I opened the front door and there she was, wagging her tail, and she said, just like Dug: ‘I was hiding under the porch because I love you.’
“
@kenrogan
16 METRO HERALD Friday, December 19, 2014
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Mr O’Dea, what are you trying to say?
Golden eye
A bubble eye goldfish swims in a tank during a fish exhibition as part of China’s National Day holiday events in Beijing, yesterday. On Saturday, China observed its 62nd independence anniversary Picture: EPA Sign language: O’Dea gets his (accidental) revenge
HOT OFF THE PRESS: Fine Gael leader Enda Kenny gets a copy of Dublin’s quality free morning newspaper from merchandiser Andre, while campaigning yesterday with candidates Mary Mitchell O’Connor, Eoghan Murphy and Sean Barrett outside Pearse Street Station
IT SEEMS the defence minister cannot do anything these days without being accused of insulting someone. Last week Willie O’Dea was in the dog house for jokingly posing with an automatic pistol, but yesterday he got his own back on the media, accidentally giving them the two fingers while scratching his nose. The minister was in the Phoenix Park to launch the Civil Defence Board strategy for 2007, but all the press wanted to talk about was last week’s picture of him pointing a Beretta at the camera. ‘The events of last week are last week, this is this week,’ Mr O’Dea said. ‘The events of last week were interesting, and as I said they are over and done with.’ Quickly, the Limerick East TD’s PR woman jumped in to protect him from any further flak. ‘That’s it,’ she said. Addressing emergency response volunteers, the minister praised the 6,000 men and women who back up ambulance, fire and rescue crews. He added that he hoped the strategy would make the ties between volunteers and professionals more formal in future.
Picture PERfEcT They say an image tells a thousand tales – and over the years at Metro Herald we’ve proved it, here’s the evidence
Parties hit the campaign trail: Page 4 Picture: Liam Sweeney
IT’S THE BRIDE AND GLOOM
Marry-lin Type: Shock rocker Marilyn Manson (Brian Warner) wed love Dita Von Teese (Heather Sweet) on Saturday in Gurteen Le Picture: AP Poer castle in Tipperary. The groom wore black.
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Argy bargy: Film star Colin Farrell gets to grips with meeting soccer Picture: Euroimagen legend Diego Maradonna in Buenos Aires, Argentina
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Friday, December 19, 2014 METRO HERALD
17
WHAT A RACY MODEL
TOO MUCH TO BEAR: The recession has taken its toll on the most vulnerable in society, perhaps none more so than the nation’s stuffed toys. These three sad teddies were spotted on Synnott Place in the north inner city yesterday
Model Katy French joined dozens of vintage car owners at the weekend for the start of the commemorative Wolseley Irish Trials Rally Picture: Fennells
Picture: alan caulfield
Reverse, cowgirl
Model Suzanne McCabe launches Combines 4 Charity, a record-breaking bid by Irish farmers set to take place in Platin, Co Meath on July 21 Picture: Marc o’sullivan
ANGELA MERKEL THINKS WE’RE AT WORK GERMANY 1 - 0 ARGENT INA WORLD CUP FINAL: BAC K PAGE
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Model Roz Purcell and her hairy pal smile for the camera at the launch of the 2013 Tattersalls International Horse Trials and Country Fair, which takes place in Ratoath, Co Meath this June Bank Holiday weekend with attractions for all ages. See tattshorsetrials.ie PICTURE: ConoR hEAly
18 METRO HERALD Friday, December 19, 2014
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SALE
NOW ON THROUGHOUT THE STORE
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Friday, December 19, 2014 METRO HERALD
LINEN CHEST 230 Thread Count Satin Stripe Egyptian Cotton Duvet Cover Set
Luxury 6pc Egyptian Cotton Towel Bale
Eg Double Bed
½ PRICE
NOW €34.95
NOW €24.95
NOW €49.95
Meyer 3 piece Select Saucepan Set
Denby Intro 16 piece Box Dinner Set
Stellar 1000 5 piece Saucepan Set
Was: €199
Was: €110
½ PRICE
Was: €69.95
Was: €49.95
Fine Bedding Co. 13.5 tog Sleep Soft Duvet
½ PRICE Eg Double Bed
Was: €99.95
OFF Was: €299
NOW €89
NOW €50
NOW €129
Pour la Victoire Le Mieux Baby Satchel
Fiorelli Kayla Faux Fur Hobo
Muubaa Leather Jacket
Was: €300
Was: €109
Was: €450
NOW €150
NOW €54.50
NOW €199
19
20 METRO HERALD Friday, December 19, 2014
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Gardaí yesterday announced an investigation into the model’s collapse. ollapse. Katy’s death, at Our Lady’s Hospital in Navan, came exactly a week after she threw a 24th birthday party at Dublin’s Krystle nightclub for hundreds of guests.
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Still the Best
Whitney Houston poses with her Grammy after she was named best female pop vocalist at the 1988 Grammy Awards in New York. The American singer and actress, 48, whose life had spiralled into drug abuse, was found dead on Saturday in her room at the Beverly Hilton Hotel in Los Angeles, on the Whitney – Talent and tragedy: Page 3 Picture: Reuters eve of this year’s Grammys.
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DEATH OF THE BOSS – PAGES 2-9
GEORGE BEST 1946-2005
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‘overwhelmed’ by the sympathetic outpouring. They added: ‘It gave us strength and helped Katy so much. Although we did not get our yearned-for miracle, all the expressions of love you sent her were powerfully healing in different ways… and we hope that you can continue to send your love to her as she journeys on.’
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in Co Meath at the weekend. The cause of her illness has not been disclosed. The French family said in a statement: ‘Katy has passed away peacefully in the arms of her sister Jill and alongside her Mum and Dad.’ They thanked well-wishers and hospital staff for their prayers and support, saying they were
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Wednesday, June 14, 2006
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KATY FRENCH, whose outspoken views and ubiquitous presence helped to make her one of Ireland’s top models, died last night. Katy died in her sister’s arms with other members of her family at her side. She had spent five days on a life-support machine in a coma, after collapsing at the home of a friend
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24-year-old model dies in the arms of her sister
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TWO in five Garda stations do not By Ross McDonagh have e-mail access. Of the country’s 703 stations, 282 that he could only fax on the details. do not yet have the capability to han‘It’s a basic form of communication, dle the decades-old technology. it’s no longer a luxury,’ Mr Calleary Minister for Justice Alan Shatter ad- added. ‘One assumes it would not be mitted that only 421 Garda stations a major expense or a technological are ‘networked locations’ – meaning challenge in this day and age.’ that the most advanced written comResponding to the query, Mr Shatter munications technology in the re- said every member of the Gardaí had mainder is the fax machine. network access – they only had to Fianna Fáil justice spokesman Dara make their way to their district headCalleary, who obtained the figures via quarters to get it. a parliamentary question, said the ‘All Garda stations which are not discenario was ‘absurd’. rectly linked to the Garda network have ‘How is it possible that in this day secure voice communications to their and age, four out of ten Garda stations local networked station which meets in this country are not ‘networked’ and the current operational requirements,’ do not have e-mail he said. access?’ he said. A spokeswomMr Calleary ‘E-mail is a basic form an for the Demade the inquiry of communication’ partment of Jusafter hearing of a tice said the woman who had provision of inher iPhone stolen. formation technology facilities is an She activated the ‘find your iPhone’ operational matter for the Garda app, found details of its whereabouts Commissioner, and that linking all and brought them to her local Garda stations to the network would involve station, only to be told by an officer a ‘substantial financial outlay’.
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IN IRELAND
22 METRO HERALD Friday, December 19, 2014
D
The craics are showing
Sex inhaler not to be sniffed at
DID YOU KNOW? There have been two recorded deaths from playing the game Fluffy Bunny, which involves cramming marshmallows into one’s mouth. In 1999, a 12-year-old in the US died. Last year, aEnvy, 32-year-old Canadian Penis next year.woman did as well.
METRO FACTFIL
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IRELAND’s w or took place in st shipwreck January 1816 when the Se , ah deck troopsh orse, a threeip, sank less than a mile fro strand in Cou m Tramore nty Waterford The vessel, . ca people, was rrying 393 bound for C ork when it was ca easterly stor ught in an m. Only 30 people surviv ed, including the captain.
■ Do you get sick of headline writers taking the mickey out of your name?
Yes. I’ve suffered a lifetime of food jokes. It is so moronic. They say ‘Bacon sizzles’ or ‘Bring on the Bacon’. You can just see them sitting there thinking to themselves: ‘Oh, I’ve got a great one.’ It doesn’t occur to them that I’ve been getting it since second grade.
Is that a parrot in your bra?
A WOMAN stole a rare parrot and hid it in her bra because she wanted to trade it for a classic car. Jill Knispel, 35, is facing felony charges after smuggling the Greenwing from her employer, Baby Exotic Birds in Englewood, Florida. She stole the E1,650 bird so she could trade it for a 1964 Volkswagen Karmann Ghia. Unfortunately,
she could not resist telling the car’s owner how she got the animal – and he knew the owner of the shop. DNA tests confirmed the bird’s identity and Knispel was charged with grand theft. ‘The circumstances of the case are the most bizarre I’ve ever encountered,’ said veteran wildlife investigator Lenny Barshinger.
SCIENTISTS may have invented a cure-all for both men and women with flagging libido – and you take it with a nasal inhaler. PT-141 may not be available for another three years, but final trials are under way before looking for US approval. Jim Pfaus, a researcher at Concordia University in Montreal who is working on the drug said: ‘There’s nothing in the arsenal now to treat female sexual dysfunction.’ Unlike Viagra, which stimulates blood flow, PT-141 works on the mind. In lab tests, female rats given the drug sought out males for sex. Women who took part in trials told New York magazine of a ‘tingling and throbbing’ and ‘a strong desire to have sex’. One man said: ‘You get this humming feeling. You’re ready to take off your pants and go.’
Take a pill and grow back your lost limbs STAND back Batman, Catwoman and Spiderman. It could only be a matter of time before we all use animal superpowers. Scientists in the US are examining the potential of incorporating bugs and animal traits into humans. Before you know it, we could be growing extra limbs, going months without sleep and breathing underwater by just popping a few pills. One animal with an envious talent is the salamander. This amphibian has the legendary ability to grow back its limbs if they have been cut off. Salamanders can do this because their stem cells are able to revert to the state normally found in embryos. Researchers believe it is also possible for humans to regenerate organs. The Massachusetts Institute of Technology has created biological scaffolding from collagen which encourages human cells to revert to an early stage of development. This process is already being used to regenerate skin, as well as nerves in arms, legs and faces, and could be used to heal organs in the near future. We all complain about not getting
Mighty Whitey Our man is in deep down under... Baring his soul: Adam White mixes it up with fellow British and Irish Sheilas as the players prepare for prep battle in the first Test against Australia
BY ROSS McGUINNESS
enough sleep, but spare a thought for Canadian thrushes, which doze off for just 2 1/2 hours a day when migrating to Peru. They quite literally sleep with one eye open whilst in flight, taking it in turns to rest opposite sides of the brain. The birds’ brain chemistry is being studied in the hope that drugs could be used to boost humans who are deprived of sleep. ‘People could live 20-hour lives instead of 12 or 14-hour lives,’ said Verner Bingman, of Bowling Green State University in Ohio. He is now investigating if humans can survive on micro-naps – the thrushes sleep for 10 to 20 seconds throughout the day during migration. The potential to emulate seals who can go 30 minutes underwater on a single breath is also being explored, as is the ability of some animals to control the timing of their pregnancy. Wallabies can temporarily halt the development of a fertilised egg if they think current conditions are not ideal for their newborn to survive.
RED FACES FOR SUNBED PAIR
Old enemies unite as the 158 Lions prepare to be tested GMetro Herald’s new revenue model is an Irish media first 10
A Travelling Wilburys of British and Irish Rugby (or Twobir), if you will. A COUPLE’S sunbed session Off they go, plunged into wild enclaves of left them red-faced when police the southern seas that like nothing more than burst through the door and softening up ‘sooks’ from Ireland and Britain found them having wild sex. (or ‘the UK’ as a staggering amount of AusOwners of the tanning salon sies insist on calling the two islands). And called police after hearing with the last three tours ending in failure and Southern hemisphere smuggery, a series win ‘violent crashes and thuds’ would sure be nice. coming from the cubicle. Police Yep, this time it all feels different. Tomorcommander Andre Glauser number verses in the rowTHE we will see if theofLions’ forward muscle said: ‘The salon owner said he andGreek match national fitness will anthem, fix the burly sheep-is which had heard strange noises shearers’ wagon. based on the Hymn To The coming from the solarium and Warren Gatland has packed the heavyFreedom, a poem written by the he was scared someone was weights onto this squad, led in the tight-five Dionysios Solomos. Uruguay bypoet my fantasy third cousin and virtual dopbeing attacked inside.’ But has the second longest, with 105 pelganger Paul O’Connell. instead of finding an aggressive bars ofofred music. Thetheshortest is ‘Slabs meat’ was response from customer in the salon in Biel, theUganda’s, media of a country in which vegetables which has just nine Switzerland, they found Magda arebars what your food eats. How of music and is rude. called Oh Buechl and her boyfriend But what of the fans from the four home Uganda, Land Of Beauty! Roman Moeschler, both 20, nations? All that history, both sporting and political. What if my guy scuppers a try for having sex under the fake sun. your guy, or gives away a key penalty? Will ame on’. ‘This is it’. ‘Here we not going to get any mathematical, geomet- we all get along? Bloody right we will – we’ve got bigger go’. You won’t catch me starting rical game analysis from your hard-nosed a British and Irish Lions tour di- tour diarist – but there isn’t time. Right now, barramundi to fry. Allegiances and grudges will disinary with any of those clichéd I’m packing my suitcase for my flight tegrate. Hordes will descend on ‘big match-day preview’ phrases. with the fury of the Tullow Tank at the stadiums, a carnival of red I’ll leave that to the broadsheet rugby a breakdown. scribes, a couple of whom love those kinds A very giddy Tullow Tank, ‘We were ambushed’ dappled with blotches of tricolour, red rose, dragon and of intros when there’s a particularly juicy mind you. Nearly there now. Australian fly-half 80mins of egg-throwing approaching. I’ve packed me bogan-repel- Stephen Larkham after thistle. We’ll sing and swig, all the way from airport to I’d love to elaborate about how you’re also lant, a copy of Richard Bath’s the Lions 13-29 firstpitchside, roaring for the TwoBritish & Irish Lions Miscellany test victory in bir after putting away a Fewand the long-suffering laptop. Brisbane in 2001. beer. A day and bit from now, I’ll be in For us Irish, Halfpenny willand become that Antipodean paradise of beautiful don’T IT MAKES complete cents… for print sector, is something we feel by AODH MADDEn leave iT Mike Phillips be beaches and blunt humour that we short- as cherished as Heaslip, Toulon From tomorrow, Metro Herald, Dublin’s adds value to our will offering,’ the company’s now… forgiven for his Six Nations rule-bending and sightedly committed our convicts to a couMartin, don’t ues to change rapidly, Metro Herald is ex- senior management said. Leinster need to quality free commuter newspaper, willplestart be smartin’ up their game of centuries ago. There, I’ll be joining an the ‘U’s in Manu Tuilagi will take a fada. over split ploring new revenue streams. charging readers 1c per copy. From tomorrow, our team of friendly And in two weeks’ time… Oh I can see it estimated 29,999 pilgrims from Ireland, Trees that glow in We feel ourfor readers will be willing to ofmerchandisers In a groundbreaking move for theEngland, free Scotland can accept now; planefuls good memories smeared on payment through andthat Wales the busithe dark hand over this small sum to keep getting newspaper model, our team of friendly a mobile credit card terminal or in cash, alness end of the 125-year Anniversary tour of our sunburnt faces; Michael Corcoran’s favourite merchandisers will be taking payment a their though no change can be given. cookie-monster voice spent; Matt Williams theofBritish and Irish Lions. daily read. anthe innovative growth-hacking move, ‘tha Loyens’ the best to tour inauthorities to allow one cent coin for each paper they handEvery out. four‘As Talksas with transport years, cream of these four declaring decades; Willie John McBride to weeping manproud rugby strongholds, so accustomed charging one cent per copy to of Metro Herald We know times are tight for our readers, commuters pay for their Metro Herald on Newspapers: They don’t grow on trees fully.or paid- their Leap Card are also at an early stage. bishing, bashing and boshing each other the in free is unprecedented in either but as the world of print journalism continAll this could be ours. Bod willing. the Six Nations, form a kind of supergroup.
THAT FIGURES!
QUOTE
The number of Lions tour captains from Ireland since 1888, the most provided by any of the home nations
Monday, March 31, 2014
Dear Dolly
»p17
FUTURE ‘green’ cities could resemble fairylands filled with radiant buildings and glowing trees, a report has predicted. Spray-on, light-absorbing dust would give buildings, roads and pathways a phosphorescent shine at night, helping to improve the safety of parks and alleys. Even trees could be made to glow in the dark by splicing bioluminescent genes into their trunks and branches, say experts. By making street lighting less necessary, the carbon footprint of urban centres would be reduced. The bright vision of environmentallyfriendly cities was unveiled by Arup, the international engineering and design firm behind projects such as Grand Canal Theatre and the eircom building at Heuston South Quarter. It looked at ways of protecting urban areas and improving the lives of their residents in a world transformed by global warming and growing city populations. The report highlights natural solutions
»p21
by john von radowiTz
such as preventing flooding by replacing hard concrete and tarmac with permeable surfaces, and increasing tree cover. To meet the increasing demand for food, vertical ‘urban farms’ would see crops being grown in and on city buildings. Parks could provide places to forage for fruits, edible greens and insects. Tom Armour, landscape architecture group leader at Arup, said: ‘By 2050, the human population will have reached nine billion with 75 per cent living in cities. ‘Rapid technological innovation will serve as a major catalyst in the shift toward sustainability, resilience and adaptability in dense urban environments.’ Increasing the number of green spaces in cities is set to both boost life expectancy by encouraging people to exercise more and reduce absenteeism as working in buildings overlooking parkland cuts time off by a quarter, research has found.
MORE POWER TO YOU: Joshua Dargan Hayes, 14, from St Gerard’s School in Bray demonstrates his portable sunshade that uses solary energy to charge mobile devices, ahead of the national finals in the Student Enterprise Awards at Croke Park this Wednesday PICTURE: PhoToCall
FEBRUARY 3, 2014: Metro Herald was the first ‘mainstream’ media outlet to so much as touch the Pantigate affair, something of which we are immensely proud. Daragh Reddin’s incisive piece remained the most read article on our website for months where’s the
squares? look for the leprechaun
on st. patrick’s day
these are the things to find in the st. patrick’s day celebrations
5x
to be near 19, the2014 New METRO York TimeHERALD Friday, December 23 s said.
Got a point to make? mail@metroherald.ie
OpiNiON: DARAGH REDDiN assesses the O’Neill (aka drag artist panti) about homo fallout of the comments of rory phobia for debate on gay rights N recent years,
more than 1,000 complaints. Waters, O’Brien and other members of Iona declined to take part. The fact that RTÉ had agreed to the popularity tioned were significan tly less en- complex one. It’s a pay damages (€80,000 in total, acof drag artist Panti (aka Rory thuse poin t taken up an important part of democratic de- cord d ing to reports yesterday) to the O’Neill) has begun to extend again and began legal action by Noel Whelan in The Irish Times bate that people must be able to hold ‘injured st RTÉ and O’Neill on the recen parti tly. Whelan, who admitted not disse beyond the gay community, grou nting views on controversial in an emai es’, only came to light nds of defamation as they havi ng seen The Saturday Night issue and her autobiographical solo were l from the institute to its s.’ n’t homophobic. The offending show members last Tuesday. show played to a sell-out crowd at on the evening in question, besegment was later removed from the A debate on homophobia did take Given wailed those in the gay community The National Theatre last summer. place on the show this weekend but cisio the ramifications of the deRTE website. Two weeks later, Wafor their casual deployment of the n to make any kind of payment As such the appearance of the ownit was deemed by many to be little – ters resigned from his post with the regardless of the amount – both term ‘homophobic’. er of Capel Street haunt Panti Bar on more than a sop to appease those an- for Broadcasting Authority Of Ireland. the The Saturday Night Show had all the With recourse to a definition that gered by its handling of the affair, who TV licence payer and those Why Waters was so incensed by deems the phenomenon ‘an extreme makings of a refreshing, if scarcely voice contrarian opinions, the over which to date RTÉ has received lack O’Neill’s comments is not entirely and irrational aversion to homosexcontentious, affair. When the interof coverage in print media as clear. After all, Waters had the folsoon as the Iona email came to light uality and homosexual people’, view turned to the Mayo lowing to say of gay mar- Whelan marked a low point for print jourman’s belief there was reasoned that O’Neill had riage in an interview little reaso nalism in Ireland. homophobia within n to pin with UCD’s College label on those such a ‘horrible’ Aside from a lead story on the Irish media, host named above and Tribune in August suggested liber damages printed in this paper last Brendan O’Connor al advocates adopt 2012: ‘This is re- more moderate Wednesday and ongoing debate onpressed his interlanguage. ally a kind of satline, the media has been glacially viewee to name Taking the definition Whelan deire on marriage ploys above, slow with commentary and even renames – it’s imjournalist Breda which is being O’Brien’s oft-q portage of the affair. portant to rememuoted 2008 stateconducted by the ment that ‘equality The debacle has untold ramificaber O’Connor [for gay people] gay lobby. It’s not must take seco tions for public life in this country. asked the unambignd place to the comthat they want to mon good’ may That many liberal commentators uous question ‘who or may not be get married; they deemed hom may now baulk at the opportunity to are they?’ ophobic. want to destroy the inspeak and write openly and honestly However, those for whom the defiO’Neill (pictured) gave stitution of marriage be- nition about homophobia is the most obvian unequivocal answer, nameof homophobia extends to the cause they’re envious of it…’ ous issue here. treatment of gay people as – quite checking Irish Times columnists Were a commentator to opine that Most worrying of all, however, is literally in this example – second John Waters and Breda O’Brien, as women had sought suffrage merely the question that with a referendum class citizens would disagree. well as Catholic think-tank The Iona to despoil the institution of democon the introduction of gay marriage Institute, as those he believed worTo confound the situation, racy from within, wouldn’t it be fair on the horizon, how can we expect O’Connor later offered a contradicthy of that description. to accuse them of being just the teethe national broadcaster to facilitate tory and dispiritingly obsequious Many audience members may ny-weeniest bit misogynistic? even-handed debate on the subject apology on behalf of RTÉ on The have been heard cheering and clapOf course, the question of exactly when they’ve already found themSaturday Night Show, closing with ping their approval, but those menwhat constitutes homophobia is a selves cowed before reaching the the laughable statement that: ‘It is first hurdle?
i
“
Media has been glacially slow to offer commentary on the affair
€2 Quo OF te M F e yo tro ur fo vis r it
WE HAVE A CONFESSION TO MAKE: One of the snakes you were meant to find in this competition graphic was actuallyy missing. Frustrated readers were contacting us wondering where it was. Not sure exactly how we got away with it.
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Friday, December 19, 2014 METRO HERALD 25
Wait a minute, Mr Postman We’ve had thousands of letters to our Mailbox page, from the serious to the downright bizarre
■ In response to Lars. Is it me or is it indeed universally known that underwear cannot be exchanged and, if it is in a box, the box must not have been opened? This has a lot to do with hygiene, so it is very important to get it right. I quite often buy underwear for my wife as a little ‘thank you for loving me’ gift and am aware of her size. Taking notice in what she would buy herself, I have her taste in bra and knickers ‘down to a T’ and when I come home with the little surprise we both end up happy. There is no better place than BT’s on a rainy lunchtime to browse through the underwear and the staff have always been informative and helpful. Every time I have bought underwear there, I have been made aware of the exchange rules. Lars, I just hope your girlfriend got you large instead of small! Maybe you could give them to someone for Christmas, presuming you have not tried them on! DP, Skerries
some decorating, so I got out my stepladder. I don’t get on with my real ladder. DSM, by e-mail
DOGGED: A bloke goes to the zoo, there is only one animal there: a dog. It’s a shitzu.
Sean Burdock, Cork
er ‘ave it: Religion was one of manyds Lett service that is simply the recurring debates that reared their hea
rnatural Morality does not depend on supe ■ I must say that I have never read such a circular argument as the one given by Niamh Dempsey in regard to Evolution and Christianity (Metro, Mon). It is also insulting to all of the other religions in the world for her to say that the ‘true manual that explains life and our purpose is in the Bible’. Such a view of ‘truth’ only leads to a dangerous myopia toward the
had Crank you: When Mr Cranky (below) ut it a bad day, the world had to know abo
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the Earth contradicts the world. I am originally from the Bible’s belief in an Earth only a mid-west in the USA and am a few thousand years old. bit disturbed to see such These ‘true manual(s)’ she ght absolutism in what I thou speaks of were all written by was a fairly enlightened flawed and finite human beings country. in their attempts to understand Perhaps Ms Dempsey’s the un-explainable. comments would be more at When will people realise that es stat US e home amongst thos ality does not depend on a mor that are no longer teaching belief in the supernatural? basic biology because the M Ferris, Dublin 9 scientifically agreed upon age of
■ Ever since the Garden of Eden the devil has been deceiving man, telling him there is no consequence to sin. Similarly, if a person believes in the Big Bang theory and thinks they evolved from a piece of dirt then they’ll also believe they aren’t answerable to any God. People want to believe in evolution (Metro, Thu) against the truth that convicts their conscience, (which is that God is the creator, and he so loved the world that he gave his only son that whoever believes in him will have eternal life), not because they believe it, but to accommodate their sinful lifestyles. Evolution is only a theory, but the true manual that explains life and our purpose is in the Bible. To prove it’s true, so much of prophecy has already come to pass. A good website is www.answersingenesis.org, which can answer many questions as to our true origins.
METRO
■ Once again the female species has chosen a fantastic fashion this winter – very short a skirts and tight tops. It truly is do why And old. beh to t sigh y ‘fatties’ think they can get awa with it? Massive behinds and . huge thighs make it impossible Of course there is the ‘how low do you dare to go?’ hipsters. Absolute genius. But fatties – why? Do you honestly think you remotely resemble the stunners e with the proper shape for thes trousers? Don’t you have mirrors in your homes? Do you know what you look like? It might be fashion, but the whole idea is to wear it well and look good. Fatties score zero on both counts. This is not an attack on the overweight community, more a public service, bringing attention to the sight us ‘normal’ people are subjected to in everyday life.
Oil painting, by e-mail
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Niamh Dempsey, Dublin 15
Poxegen, more like
■ We four girls in our early 20s went to last weekend’s Oxegen concert in Punchestown. It was very wet and the mud was a mess, but that could not be helped. Both of our car’s mirrors were broken off and there was a big scrape on the door, which will cost a few hundred euros to repair. We were beside a group of six youths who spent most of the time naked. They were drunk from the time they put up their tent. They took off their clothes and performed sex acts on one another, Chaos: Marred festival for man y all in full view of the people nearby. A few girls joined them on The security was a joke. Saturday night, and a full orgy We reported the damage to our ensued. Two of the youths were so car to three of the security men, drunk they slept in the mud, in the but none of them could even speak open, stark naked. English!!
New Irish
HIGH HUMOUR: I was doing
We’ll never go to Oxegen again. Paula and three friends, Sandyford, Dublin ■ I am from Denmark, and am visiting Ireland for two weeks. I was last here in 1989, and the big change I see in Ireland is all the fat people. There are so many everywhere. Women and men, all of them fat. The men have the beer bellies and the women have what is called spare tyres. Why do people in Ireland not watch their health and stay slim? It is awful to see people so unfit and unattractive. Your young people drink too much – I see drunks every night on the city streets. Christian Larsen, Copenhagen
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26 METRO HERALD Friday, December 19, 2014
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‘Mail’ to 53131* Facebook.com/ metroherald
Mailbox memories from all of our penpals out there
Quick pic
Mr Regular: Reader Bernard Lapedus has been picking up 15 copies of the paper for f his colleagues at Playprint Ltd for the last nine years. Good on ya, Bernard.
We were overwhelmed by the love Metro Herald received when readers heard about our demise
D
ear editor, I just wanted to email you and let you know how sorry I am that Metro Herald has come to an end. I really enjoyed reading your newspaper for the past few years, it would have been one of the first things I did every morning with a cup of tea. actually your paper would have been the only paper I would read as it was compact and full of direct news, it covered all areas including rugby which I loved. Thanks to you and all your amazing staff for all the years of giving Dublin the best newspaper. I really wish that there was something that I could do to keep Metro
Herald going. Be that as it may, I am wishing you a very happy Christmas and a happy new year. Aishling ■ I don’t care whatever the weather is as long as I can grab a copy of Metro Herald daily at the Phibsborough intersection. Metro Herald is a very much educational and informative paper. My 9 year old son has developed his reading skills through reading Metro Herald daily. We love and enjoy reading Metro Herald especially, the latest news, the almost accurate Weather Today, World digest’, ‘Life’, ‘puzzles’, ‘Metroscope’, ‘Sport’, and features about pets.
BAD On yA
● Dublin litter to dive 75 per cent. Cat litter sales to increase. Metro Herald to cease publishing on Friday. @DarrenLeathley ● I’ll be pilloried for saying this but the Metro Herald was of terrible quality and it was always obvious internet would eat into ad revenue.
@scary_biscuits
● Whatever it is... The Metro Herald’s finished.
@lukeming
● Metro Herald ending – great news for decent journalism. All that rag was was sensationalist and often incorrect rubbish. @kwalsh96 ● Where will we get all the English news now that the #MetroHerald is closing down? @CregorNews
AnD THEn THERE wERE THEsE guys...
vERsE THAT cAn HAppEn I was infatuated with my Metro Herald guy so I decided to write poetry about it. The 1st is about barely knowing him, the 2nd about squashing cake into his face. SSSS Metro Love I fell in love with the Metro Herald guy / as he passed his paper to me with a grin / Our hands
collided; I blushed and walked on / But I could still feel him on my skin. I fell in love with the Metro Herald fellow / When he murmured to me ‘you’re welcome’ / Giggling, I crossed the road and noted / He was seducing me, all in yellow. I am now in love with the Metro man / He is my guilty pleasure / So
*Please include a name and location. Texts cost €0.30 per message + standard network charges. SP. Oxygen8 Communications, 4th Floor, Malt House North, Grand Canal Quay, D2. Customer service number 0818286606
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Metro Herald eliminates my depression in Ireland. I am very sad Metro Herald will stop publishing on December 19, 2014. Thank you very much to all the people behind Metro Herald! AFB, Philippines ■ To Metro Herald, you will be sorely missed. I owe you a lot. Your paper got my message to a one night stand I had a baby with. Now myself, Sean and baby are a happy family. ThanksandGoodbye ■ I will collect the last issue today. and at the the risk of sounding
risque, in some issue a few years back (I think 2007 or 2008), either Metro, Herald aM or Metro Herald had a picture of a nude woman in various poses with what looked like a large breadstick or french roll. I wouldn’t mind seeing that again... Peter ■ Talk about bullshit! Irish rail’s argument does not hold water as even if the platforms are too short, people can still walk through the carriages to where the empty carriages are. Typical reply from a company where no-one who works there actually uses it. Jude
AVID Metro Herald reader Alex Kinsella from Churchtown is very disappointed to see Metro Herald closing, as he used to read it every day and even took a tour of our office once. Thank you so much for reading us, Alex. We’re sure you’ll find something else that you love to read and ish you and your y we wish v y familyy all the very best for the future. From all the staff at Metro Herald
now I wait for him to succumb / and fall for me at his leisure. Pastry Fancies I have a fantasy / To squash my pastry on your face / So let’s replay my dream / and we’ll begin by meeting at our place. We enter the café and he looks at me / I look back at him and our eyes then run free. Cream pastries, Danish buns, croissiants and tarts / Éclairs,
TREnDing #farewellmetro ● @MetroHNews you guys will be truly missed in Dublin. Thank you for all the laughs, gossip and smiles from the crew in yellow. @Loracod ● What am I going to read on my way to college now that @ MetroHNews has ended? (Except the college stuff I should be reading) @snoreborewhorex ● I honest can’t even describe how devastated and emotional I am that @MetroHNews paper is stopping :( #PleaseDontGo
@Shilsons
● @MetroHNews I’m gonna miss you guys! “good on ya” was my fav! A bit of sunshine in the doom. @leorapide286 ● Thought we were through the worst but @MetroHNews is closing, sorry for all involved, feels like this needs a hashtag #farewellmetro @conorbyrne ● @MetroHNews that’s a shame now I have to stare at my fellow comuters @EdRedbird bakewell tarts, French fancies breaking hearts / Macaroons, fruity crumbles, shapes so oblique / That’s how I know I’m growing weak. It’s a desperare desire of mine to grab that éclair / Defile its soft edges and squash it in your hair. I bet you want to know what pastry I choose / I know you do, you saucy little gnome / I choose a cream bun so I could decorate his face / For the purpose of this poem.
● Sorry to hear last Metro Herald out Friday. Great headlines & they even gave few ex musicians like myself a break. @KenSweeney ● Just passed by a group of Metro Herald distributors in yellow jackets. They saw all kinds of weather and people over the years! @clairesh @metrohnews #metromailbox
D
yEH big RiDE... Metro Herald’s legendary Yeh Big Ride column on Mailbox page has achieved cult status. We compiled some of the best
● To the brown-haired man who wears the pink shirt and works in Penneys on O’Connell Street – you can be a Christian Grey. And nice bum. Anon ● To the guy in the IFSC who shouted ‘boobs’ as he walked passed me. You’re cute. Coffee? #Tourettesiscutesometimes Lauren M ● Will the girl who gets the No.83 bus every morning from Rathmines please marry me or at least give me your mobile number? Our eyes always meet. Be brave. D6 ● Stephanie Roche – you can score me any time you like! JD ● Shy sikh seeks chic sheikh. Deadline, Friday morning...
Anon
● To the Baggot St Boots girl with the incredible eyes. I’ll be in for my prescription soon... NuttR ● To the man on the 8.40am Dart. Your ripe, manly musk reminded me it was time to clean out the cupboard under the stairs. Annette Curtain ● To the burly, bald guy in the black hoody and glasses on the No.66 on the way back to Maynooth after Slayer a few weeks back. I really like your smile. Maybe we could rock out together sometime? Avril ● To the red-haired, brown eyed, blue-jumpered goddess who got off the No.66A at the Ball Alley in Lucan on Friday afternoon. I was the guy sitting behind you. You smiled at me. I’m sorry I didn’t smile back, I had just messed up an exam and was deep in thought but I would love to see your beautiful eyes and smile again. Big Mick from Dublin ● To the girl with the long black hair and black clothes who walks along Baggot Street at lunchtime sipping coffee – you, ironically, light up my life. Besotted Brian ● Dear Big Mick, I saw your message in the Metro Herald today and I’m sorry to hear about your exam. I’d love the opportunity to put a smile back on your face. Get in touch : ) The blue-jumpered goddess,
Dublin. (We passed on their number but haven’t heard what became of them)
● To the guy with the brown hair and eyes who gets the train from Blackrock in the evenings, I think you are a work of art. I try to get a seat or standing space next to you, and when I get the opportunity I smell your hair. It smells so beautifully clean and gorgeous, just like you. I hope you reply to this as I would love to meet you. I was thinking of surprising you by going around to your house with a bunch of flowers but I thought I would leave that for another day. Please get in touch. I’m the girl who is always standing next to you staring
yOuR RusH-HOuR cRusH
perfectly. I have to pick my jaw back up off the floor when I see you get on. The Baby-Faced Creeper
The future Mrs Brown Hair And Eyes
● To the Cher lookalike (when she was young and mostly human, not plastic) who gets the No.16 – You’re a real dead ringer for love. Let me be your Meat Loaf. Badoudahell
● Mandy, you said you’re from Greystones and your dad was a guard. Thanks for the cheese and onion crisps on the 4am Nitelink. I should have asked for your number.
● I write to you regarding ‘Yeh Big Ride’. Are you publishing this for your mother, wife, daughter or girlfriend? I doubt it, since you can have nothing but contempt for women with such a
at you. Hope to hear from you.
Friday, December 19, 2014 METRO HERALD 27
heading. Then again, maybe you have nothing but contempt for the women I have mentioned. It is a disgraceful heading. Please get a bit of respect for your readers and yourself. Joe, Raheny ● Joe, I have no idea why you think Yeh Big Ride shows contempt for women. There’s no mention of this column being exclusive to men or women. What’s the harm in having an opportunity to compliment strangers? Sinéad, Dublin
● Any cat-loving men out there? I’ve just dumped my BF as he thought the Love/Hate scene was funny. WLTM a kind, sensitive man who loves all animals. Furball Fiona ● To the Metro Herald merchandiser at Trinity College on Tuesday morning. I’ve never seen someone make an oversized, illuminous yellow rain jacket look so sexy. Not to mention that smile that blew away the bad weather.
Dave with the beard
Regretful, Dublin (Mandy called and we passed on Regretful’s details, but didn’t hear any more from them)
● To the unpatriotic Meath fan outside McGrath’s on Sunday after the Dublin v Meath. I gave you my Meath plait. Can I have it back – and your phone number? Meath girl ● Cormac on the No.41! You have the rugged handsomeness of a young Russell Crowe, or an old Leonardo DiCaprio. You have seen me drooling over you. If you are interested, come down and talk to me – you know where I sit every morning. Camilla ● To the brown-haired, big-eyed girl on the Luas from Kingswood, you seem like a great laugh judging by the Sunday session stories you cackle about on the phone, the reek of gargle and your delicate Monday mornin’ nature. I would love to session with ya. Musical Mike ● To the AC/DC Luas driver – can I be your Whole Lotta Rosie?
City centre Rock Chic
● To the girl on the 7.50am Dart from Malahide wearing the black and white striped dress. You have legs that make every morning feel like summer. An admirer ● I’m an attractive 23-year-old woman. I get called out in the Yeh Big Ride section nearly every time I get the Dart (which is very rarely mind you… ew). I’d just like to state that if a man is under 6’5”, 230lb and jacked at 11 per cent body fat, he’s not even worth my time. No manlets for this gal. Jeffeline ● To the stunning blonde girl who almost got her phone snatched on the Luas on Friday – sorry, I was too distracted by your beauty to stop the wannabe thief... The man in the suit ● To the cute guy who said hello to me as I was walking past Insomnia on Pembroke Street on Wednesday around 11am, would have preferred if you had taken my number Shy girl ● To the stunningly handsome man who wears glasses and drives a grey Volkswagen through the Ranelagh/ Clonskeagh crossroads at 7.45am – your smile and occasional singing along to the radio gives me the lift I need to hit the day running.
Girl on blue bike with pink helmet
● To the beautiful brunette who gets the No.25B into town most mornings (you sometimes wear glasses) you start my day off
Easy to get to, easy to park and open late every day – with every kind of store you could ever wish for.
Henry Street. Where the magic of Christmas comes to life.
For more information on what’s on offer in Henry Street log onto: www.dublintown.ie/henry
ARNOTTS, ILAC, JERVIS, DEBENHAMS, MARKS & SPENCER, TK MAXX, SMYTHS, NEW LOOK, FOREVER 21 AND SO MUCH MORE.
28 METRO HERALD Friday, December 19, 2014
films
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features@metroherald.ie to advertise, call 01 7055010
Night at The museum: secret Of The tomb
gO FESTIVE
(PG) ★★★✩✩
Still iN the CiNeMaS ● Get Santa (U) ● Tinker Bell & The Legend Of The Neverbeast (U) ● The Snow Queen: Magic Of The Ice Mirror (U)
this third The exhibits don’t just come to life in Larry on. Lond to e Museum movie, they com sh Briti the to g gan the gs (Ben Stiller) brin enkahre Mer tian Egyp with ult cons to eum Mus to fade. (Ben Kingsley) when the magic starts rity secu hy bols a t There, they mee guard (Rebel Wilson) and Sir Lancelot (Dan Stevens), who fails to realise he’s a temporary exhibit. Downton’s Stevens is a hoot as the dashing but deluded Lancelot, while Steve Coogan and Owen Wilson’s double act amuses as ever. Stiller even gets to play a double act with himself as a neanderthal dummy made in his likeness. It’s funny, fast paced and the best of the three movies: parents may be surprised how much they enjoy it, provided they’re not bothered about historical accuracy. The only sad note is Robin Williams reprising his role as Teddy Roosevelt one last time. Out today
lights, camera, Dumb and Dumber to
(15) ★★✩✩✩ There’s been a prequel, now here’s the sequel to the cheerfully goofy comedy starring Jim Carrey and Jeff Daniels as a pair of dimwitted chums. It’s 20 years since their last misadventure, and Lloyd (Carrey) is in a care home, apparently catatonic. When Harry finds out Lloyd has been faking it, they head off on a hunt for Harry’s grown-up daughter. Not for sentimental reasons, you understand: Harry needs a kidney donor and Lloyd fancies his chances, having seen her picture. Their stupidity is occasionally amusing but the joke wears thin, especially in the absence of any heart and embarrassing cameos from the likes of Kathleen Turner. Out today
annie
(PG) ★★✩✩✩ Little orphan Annie has spent plenty of time on stage and screen before: this new version gives her a modern spin. Oscar nominee Quvenzhané Wallis (Beasts of the Southern Wild) plays the sparky young
BEST FOR ALL THE FAMILY
christmas!
Dreading making small talk with the in-laws? Then hit the cinema with Anna Smith’s rundown of the biggest movies out over the festive season kid in New York who lives with a nasty foster mother, Miss Hannigan (Cameron Diaz). Annie’s luck changes when mayoral candidate Will Stacks (Jamie Foxx) takes her in. This didn’t screen in time for our deadline but US reviews have been lukewarm. Out St Stephen’s Day
Big eyes
BEST FOR GROWN UPS
(12a) ★★★★✩ You may not know Margaret Keane but you’ll have seen her paintings of big-eyed children that became a sensation in the 1950s. Amy Adams puts in a subtle performance as Margaret, who – against her better judgement – lets husband Walter (Christoph Waltz) take the credit for her work. It’s a fascinating story, told simply by director Tim Burton. This could use a few more characters but it’s still a beautifully acted biopic with dark laughs aplenty. Out St Stephen’s Day
exodus: gods and Kings
(12a) ★★★✩✩ Ridley Scott directs the story of Moses (Christian Bale) meeting God, calling plagues upon Egypt, thwarting King Ramses (Joel Edgerton) and leading thousands of Hebrew slaves to freedom. This is big-budget stuff on a grand scale. Bale is on typically longfaced form as Ramses’ cousin, whose slave roots are revealed by Nun (Ben Kingsley). Soon Moses and Ramses are at loggerheads and a long period of exile follows. At around two-and-a-half hours, Exodus is a film you have to settle into and although the tone is hit and miss it still delivers the thrills and sense of awe you’d expect from a classic biblical epic. Out St Stephen’s Day
Unbroken
(15) ★★★✩✩ Angelina Jolie directs this story of survival based on the tale of Louis Zamperini. Jack O’Connell stars as the Olympic runner who became a pilot in World War II and survived a crash only to be captured by the Japanese. Gruelling POW scenes follow in this measured, respectful tribute to a man with great resilience. O’Connell puts in a physically impressive performance as his character struggles not to buckle under the pressure of a sadistic Japanese guard. It’s a well-made film and Zamperini’s real-life resolve is inspiring. It isn’t as Oscar worthy as we might have hoped but it’s still a humbling watch. Out St Stephen’s Day
Off till the New Year? CheCk Out... BirdMaN (15) ★★★★✩ Michael Keaton stars in this bitterly funny, complex comedydrama about an actor who’s vainly trying to boost his reputation with a stage play. Edward Norton, Emma Stone and Naomi Watts are terrific in this witty, trippy take on the acting business. Out January 2 the theOrY Of everYthiNG (12a) ★★★★✩ Eddie Redmayne could be eyeing an Oscar for his turn as Stephen Hawking in this moving, inspiring drama. Felicity Jones plays Jane, the young woman he meets at university who refuses to leave him when he’s diagnosed with motor neurone disease. Out January 1 the wOMaN iN BlaCk: aNGel Of death (15) ★★★✩✩ Jeremy Irvine and Phoebe Fox star in the horror follow-up that takes place 40 years after the first film. The ghost gets up to her old tricks when two teachers take evacuated children to Eel Marsh House. Spooky but not up there with the first. Out January 1 eNeMY (15) ★★★✩✩ Jake Gyllenhaal plays two roles in this intriguing psychological thriller about a history teacher who discovers he has a doppleganger working as a bit part actor. Out January 2
D
going out BOOK NYf: LOvE DubLiN
Ring in the New Year at the Three Countdown Concert where Kodaline, James Vincent McMorrow, Walking On Cars and The Whereabouts will foment good will and great vibes as they ring in 2015 (Dec 31, College Green, 8pm to 12.30am, €25.40). This is but one of a series of events taking
Friday, December 19, 2014 METRO HERALD 29
cLubs
place in the capital as part of NYF Dublin to wave farewell to 2014. elsewhere, there’s a free arts trail taking in some of the city’s top galleries; a spoken word festival featuring Lisa hannigan and David McWilliams, among others; a light procession, music trail and much more... See website for full details www.nyfdublin.com
SEE ELf: THE MusicAL
hit the Bord Gáis energy Theatre over the holidays to catch this exceptionally ‘sparklejollytwinklejingley’ musical based on the much-loved Will Ferrell movie. Ben Forster plays Buddy, an oversized ‘elf’ who leaves the North Pole for Manhattan in a bid to find his real father, much to the amusement of flinty New Yoikers. expect stunning set pieces, fab choreography and the cheeriest songs this side of a Stevie Wonder tribute evening. And watch out for Love/ hate’s Aoibhinn McGinnity on top form as love interest Jovie. Until Jan 10, Bord Gáis Energy Theatre, Grand Canal Square, Docklands, D2, 7.30pm (selected matinees 2.30pm), €20 to €60. Tel: 0818 719 377. www.bordgaisenergytheatre.ie
Pioneers: Rob Brown and Sean Booth are Autechre
HEAR KiLA
Shaggy of beard and bohemian of disposition, Kila have consistently taken the Irish traditional sound by the scruff of the neck. Catch them in Whelan’s as they launch new album Suas Síos. Sun, Whelan’s, Wexford Street, D2, 8pm, €20. Tel: 1890 200 078. www.whelanslive.com
YOUR DUBLIN
T s i L O D TO
BOOK sLEEPiNG bEAuTY PANTO
VISIT fuNDERLAND
Christmas wouldn’t be complete without a trip to Funderland at the RDS. If rollercoasters, a giant ferris wheel and white-knuckle rides aren’t your thing, there’s also Fossetts Christmas Circus and the iSkate ice rink. Until Jan 11, www.winterfunderland.ie for further details
HEAR JEssiE wARE
SEE THE sNOwMAN
Since its release in 1982, Raymond Briggs’ beautifully animated film, The Snowman, has been a compulsory part of Christmas. This year, The National Concert hall presents a special screening with live accompaniment of howard Blake’s magical soundtrack, and shadow puppet animation by Matthew Robins. Until Sun, National Concert Hall, Earlsfort Terrace, D2, various times, from €17. Tel: (01) 417 0000. www.nch.ie
South London singersongwriter Jessie Ware came to prominence when the sleek, soulful pop of her 2012 debut album, Devotion, saw her nominated for the Mercury Prize. But it’s her new album Tough Love that should see her career explode. Packed with killer melodies that will lodge in your skull for weeks, it’s a strong contender for the best pop album of 2014. Jan 21, The Academy, 57 Middle Abbey Street, D1, 8pm, €23.90. Tel: 0818 719 300. www.theacademydublin.com
There’s another panto in town so the other panto dames and villains had better beware. Sleeping Beauty will run from January 1-4 in Liberty hall Theatre, eden Quay. Featuring seasoned performers and a host of talented kids from across Dublin, it is the perfect night’s entertainment for the whole family. Sleeping Beauty tells the story of a beautiful princess under an evil spell which can only be broken by true love’s first kiss. The panto is donating tickets to charity Walk in My Shoes and the proceeds of these tickets will go directly to the charity. Tickets are available through the theatre box office on (01) 879 4333 or online at www.ctb.ie.
The festive season gets under way tonight as electronic music pioneers Autechre make a long overdue visit to Dublin. Since the early 1990s, UK duo Rob Brown and Sean Booth have been making brilliant, uncompromising music. By turns beautiful and delicate, abrasive and noisy, Autechre albums like Amber, Incunabula and Confield are modern-day classics. expect an intense live performance at District 8. The following evening, another great live act is in town. Danny ‘Legowelt’ Wolfers is a prolific talent. Working under a dizzying array of guises, the Dutch artist has made everything from horror soundtracks – check his Squadra Blanco project – to ambient soundscapes, but he is best known for the mesmerising combination of Chicago house rhythms, Italo Disco melodies and electro funk that he pedals as Legowelt. Wolfers is joined on the night by UK DJ Daniel Avery for some acid madness. On the same night, Ben Sims plays the Twisted Pepper. One of the UK’s most respected underground DJs, Sims’ brand of dense and furious techno is sure to go down a storm. For those who want a more sedate sound, Cork deep house legends Fish Go Deep play in the second room. There’s no let-up in the number of gigs post-Christmas, with US techno act Octave One touching down at the Grand Social on St Stephen’s Day. The Burden brothers have been putting out distinctive tribal grooves on their 430 West label for the past two decades and scored a big crossover hit with Blackwater at the start of the noughties. Given their experience, it’s no surprise that this all-live show is one of the best in electronic music. Support on the night comes from newly-minted Irish techno duo Fragile. The next night sees UK producer Clark appearing at District 8. Like label mates Autechre, Clark specialises in creating complex rhythms and sampling from a wide range of sources, while the visuals accompanying his live show will also be spellbindingly intricate. On the same night, US disco don Danny Krivit is in town for a rare visit. One of the first wave of DJs to emerge during the 1970s, he held residencies at legendary New York venues like the Roxy, Red Zone and Studio 54 and is sure to bring his disco magic to Dublin. Finally, if you are still standing and haven’t bankrupted yourself, head down to Forza Italo at a ‘secret city centre location’ to see in the new year on December 31. Sadly, it’s the last ever Forza, but they have chosen to go out with a bang rather than a whimper by inviting the peerless German spinner Mick Wills and David Vunk, the man behind the Moustache label, for an evening of dark wave, Chicago jack and inevitably some Italo classics to ring in 2015 in style. Tonight, Autechre District 8, Francis Street, D8, 11pm, €23. Tomorrow, Legowelt & Daniel Avery, Hidden Agenda, Opium Rooms, Liberty Lane, D2, 11pm, €12. Tomorrow, Ben Sims & Fish Go Deep, Subject, the Twisted Pepper, Middle Abbey Street, D1, 11pm, €15 . Dec 26, Octave One, Network, The Grand Social, Lower Liffey Street, D1, 10pm, €12/€15. Dec 27, Clark, District 8, Francis Street, D8, 11pm, €15/€18. Dec 27, Danny Krivit, Hidden Agenda, Opium Rooms, Liberty Lane, D2, 11pm, €10 to €15. Dec 31, Mick Wills & David Vunk, Forza Italo, venue tbc, 10pm, €10/€12. www.facebook.com/ForzaItalo
30 METRO HERALD Friday, December 19, 2014
puzzles
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METROSCOPE by Patrick Arundell
NEMI by Lise
Aries Mar 21 – Apr 20
This is a swathe of dummy text that can be used to indicate how many words fit a particular space. The text contains [25 words] a couple of different paragraphs so, visually, it doesn’t look too repetitive repetitive repetitive, which is all very interesting, but today, Saturn is forging a broadly helpful
link to the Sun. The suggestion is that if you can blend an openness to new ideas, something hopeful could shape up, yet care around the politics of all this remains key. For your forecast, call 15609 114 70
Taurus Apr 21 – May 21
A niggling issue you have been unwilling to look at may start to alter without any input from you at all. While this can be disconcerting for a fixed sign like yourself, once everything is out in the open it could be a relief.
METROKU Easy, Moderate and Challenging
For your forecast, call 15609 114 71
Gemini May 22 – Jun 21
An intense set of planetary influences spotlights any situation where codependency or, worse, neat jealousy or controlling attitudes are preventing a more balanced and healthier dynamic in a close tie. For your forecast, call 15609 114 72
cancer Jun 22 – Jul 23
Are you wanting the final say too much in one close tie? If so, you may find that the other person becomes much less amenable to this. Then again, if it feels you are always expected to fit in with others, the need to be more assured on your part could surprise them. For your forecast, call 15609 114 73
PEARLs BEFORE swINE
Leo Jul 24 – Aug 23
Your natural protectiveness of those you care for often sees you go the extra mile to please them at this time of year. Yet there may be a growing part of you that kind of rebels about how this has become too expected. If so, it could be you who says no. For your forecast, call 15609 114 74
Virgo Aug 24 – Sep 23
A lusty attraction is possible but your tactics are set to be important. Rush, and the very person you crave could be driven away. Stand back and they may never know how you’re feeling. Exude maximum charm to woo them on your terms.
Libra Sep 24 – Oct 23
You can be so attuned to others’ modes and moves but if it seems there is scant evidence of the same in return it may rock even the most long-standing of situations, as a potent square between your ruler Venus, Pluto and Uranus takes place. For your forecast, call 15609 114 76
scorpio Oct 24 – Nov 22
As much as you may want to be as diplomatic as possible and say the ‘right thing’, another part of you can sabotage this. While that would be understandable, the most important thing is that you don’t do something that goes against your own best interests. For your forecast, call 15609 114 77
sagittarius Nov 23 – Dec 21
The Moon passes over Saturn today and this could take a little bit of the spontaneity you love out of the equation. Anything which is running less smoothly can seem to come to the fore far more. For your forecast, call 15609 114 78
capricorn Dec 22 – Jan 20
Your sign is very much to the fore today as Venus remains locked into a tight conjunction with Pluto. This can see you exuding a very potent charm. However, what is vital is that you use this wisely. If you’re too focused on your desires, someone could react. For your forecast, call 15609 114 79
Aquarius Jan 21 – Feb 19
While you can be someone who likes things to be crystal clear in your relationships, it doesn’t mean that this is always possible. The conversation today could have a tendency for words to be spoken hurriedly. For your forecast, call 15609 114 80
Pisces Feb 20 – Mar 20
If you need to communicate with anyone today, try to remain conscious of how you go about doing this. For example, if you’re talking about facts of any kind of legal agreement, it is vital that yours are absolutely right. If not, it could end up costing . For your forecast, call 15609 114 81
1 8 9 10 12 14 15 17 18 19 21 22
Pitch (4) Volcanic tremor (10) Sham (8) Yawn (4) Set fire to (6) Golf club (6) Cherish (6) Beer-maker (6) Russian ruler (4) Contemplate (8) Frustrate (10) So be it (4)
DOWN 2 3 4 5 6 7 11 13 16 17 18 20
Scandalous (10) Despatched (4) Fruit (6) Protect (6) Bog (8) Measure (4) Priority (10) Gap (8) Formula (6) Brigand (6) Neat (4) Jot (4)
Solutions to previous puzzle: Across: 7 Barge; 8 Observe; 9 Exploit; 10 Alter; 12 Disrespect; 15 Omniscient; 18 Still; 19 Fervour; 21 Cleaner; 22 Round. Down: 1 Obsequious; 2 Erupt; 3 Zero; 4 Porter; 5 Assassin; 6 Written; 11 Retrograde; 13 Insolent; 14 Infidel; 16 Inform; 17 Vogue; 20 Rare.
Astrology calls cost 1.27 euros per min from a BT landline. Live Services cost 2.40 euros per minute. Calls from mobiles/other networks may cost more. Callers must be 18 or over to use this service and have the bill payers permission. For entertainment purposes only. All calls are recorded. PhonePayPlus regulated(ComReg in ROI) UK SP: StreamLive Ltd, NR7 0HR, 08700 234 567. ROI SP:Moveda, 1 Courtyard Business Park, Orchard Lane, Blackrock, Co Dublin, 0818 241 398
QuIz
ACROSS
ENIGMA Sir Isaac Newton (says the lore) Invented this slick little door To give free passage to his puss. (It must have been a genius!) WHO AM I? A politician, I was born in Illinois in 1911. I was a movie actor in the 1940s, with lead roles in films such as The Hasty Heart. However, in later life I turned my hand to politics and
in 1981 I became the 40th president of the United States. WHO, WHAT, WHERE & WHEN? WHO... was the first Tudor monarch? WHAT... is an earthstar? WHERE... were the two countries between which the War of the Bavarian Succession was fought? WHEN... did Dick Turpin die?
SCRIBBLE BOX
For some reason lots of you didn’t dig poor old Buckles
For a live one-to-one consultation with one of my gifted psychics, call 15809 113 68 or 1800 719 688 to book using credit card
QUIZ ANSWERS: ENIGMA: Catflap. WHO AM I? Ronald Reagan. WHO, WHAT, WHERE & WHEN? Henry VII; A fungus; Austria and Prussia; 1739.
QUIcK cROsswORd
For your forecast, call 15609 114 75
D
Life dear dolly q
a
It’ll be grand – you did it, so own it and smile. And stop using the term morto – it’s ‘scarleh’! Jemma Mc Callum, via Facebook
And now, the end is here and so I face the final curtain… Naturally, without having your philandering fiancées, meddlesome parents, office frenemies, randy pets and feral body hair to tend to, I will hit the gin. But what about you? How will you cope without my words of wisdom, honed from many hard-knock years of chimney-sweeping, mail-orderbriding and husband-collecting *hic*? Now that Angela MacNamara reckons ‘scanty’ clad women are asking for it, I really don’t know to whom you can
q
My boyfriend has a habit of talking dirty to me when we have sex. I don’t know whether to laugh or cry. It’s certainly not a turn on. Is there a tactful way of telling him to shut the hell up? Understated
a q
Overpower him with your filth! You fight fire with fire!! Gavin Carton
My girlfriend is prone to getting ingrown hairs, and after having had one surgically removed recently, is growing out her underarms ‘to let them breathe’ for a bit. Please suggest a solution so her pits don’t get to the hamster-smuggling stage! Flaccidman
a
Tell her you love her no matter what and remind her she should stock up on deodorant because yetipits is going to need it. Emma Grimes
q
I broke up with my girlfriend, thinking we were too different, but the time apart made me realise how good we were together. Shall I tell her I made a mistake, or is the damage already done? She threw my Game Of Thrones box-set at my face. DC
a
Face the fact that you are a childish moron and need to have human emotions explained to you via television. Love, fear, betrayal, revenge – they’re all there in GOT – you’ll never need an actual real girlfriend! Katherine Gibney
q
I recently caught my friend’s girlfriend cheating. Should I confront her about it, tell him – or best not to get involved? Mac
a
Don’t do it – please trust me! A number of years ago, I told a good friend about her cheating
NATIONAL CONCERT HALL
boyfriend. The guy convinced her I was lying and told her I had been coming on to him. She hasn’t spoken to me since. Catherine
q
I’m having a wedding day dilemma. Do I ask my oldest, funniest but rudest mate to be my Best Man (and risk offending my new wife and relatives during the speech) or do I ask my nice-but-dull brother (to keep the peace)? HH
a
You can ask a rude boy to be nicer but you can’t make a dull boy funny. Agnes Ujj
q
My girlfriend is hinting for sexy lingerie this Christmas. Is a red-and-white-fluff negligee a wise buy? They’re in all the shops, so I guess so, but my mates say bra buying is a minefield. Help! Clueless
a q
Either would be fine, and remember – any colour suits a blow-up doll. BC I hate this time of year. When my wife’s not watching X Factor, it’s Strictly Come Dancing and It Takes Two. She says it’s payback time for all the sport I watch – but the difference is, what she watches is sh*t. If I see another chassé again, I can’t promise what I won’t do to the remote control. How can I get her out of this sequin stupor? D7
a
You know what I love about you… You made that problem page your own... I felt every word you wrote… I can tell this means everything to you… You deserve to be on this problem page… That was your strongest letter and puts you right back in the running… You’ve
fREE ADvicE fOR…
Dear Dolly readers
turn about your hem lengths, love heptagons, budgie smugglers and unrequited lust. While I join agony aunts in the sky Lisa Murphy and Twink, may I depart with some lasting commandments: Love like you’ve never been hurt; Never dip your pen in the office ink; and, most of all, never trust an agony aunt. *Hic!*
had a tough week but you came out fighting… Mr Cliche
q
My boyfriend is keen for me to have my small, manicured lady garden entirely waxed. I’m not keen on the idea because I feel the trend has been foisted on women by the porn industry. At the same time, pleasing one another sexually is important. Am I being selfish? MW
a
It’s always good to keep it trim, but a man loves a real bit of bush. We aren’t looking for a savage garden, but it’s nice to keep it tidy. Andrew
q
Last week, a flirty barista wrote ‘I think you’re hot!’ on my coffee cup, and I didn’t realise until I got to work. He is kinda cute… but I don’t know if it was just a café pun or a come on! Do I say anything the next time I go in? What if I’ve got it all wrong? Erica
a
Beyoncé wrote the song Single Ladies, then went home to her husband, leaving all you women in a circle, waving your hands pretending you are having fun. Get that man. Liam Boland
q
My boyfriend of five years came home after a session, passed out, said ‘I don’t love you any more, sorry’ then went back to sleep. He had no memory of it the next day, was mortified, said it isn’t true. Why would he say such a thing if he didn’t mean it – don’t people tell the truth when they’re drunk? Blindsided
a
In vino veritas! It took me a bottle of Chablis to tell an ex I didn’t love him any more. Turns out the Chablis was right. Winelover
Today’s prize is a ¤100 National Concert Hall Gift Card
Dear Dolly Nipple:
q
My boyfriend is the biggest chatterbox I’ve ever met, and on the rare occasions I get a word in edgeways, he stares at me vacantly so it’s clear he’s not listening. I want to dump him but there’s a weird reason I haven’t: he’s got a third nipple in the centre of his rib cage, and when he takes his T-shirt off, his torso resembles a very kind-looking face. It’s as though his regular nipples look like eyes, his additional nipple a little nose, and his belly button a cute, surprised mouth. I’ve taken to calling this chest-man Christopher and when my boyfriend is sleeping I have long one-sided conversations with ‘him’ about my feelings and my day. Christopher’s a great listener, and though he never responds, it’s clear he oozes compassion. I’ve even started to develop strong sexual feelings for Chris and taken to kissing his mouth/belly button when my boyfriend is snoring. I realised things had gotten out of hand when I became frantic one morning after spotting some bellybutton fluff in my boyfriend’s navel. ‘Take it out,’ I screamed. ‘Christopher’s choking.’ What should I do? Karen A
a
I’d love to say it ‘happens all the time’, Karen, but I’d be lying. You are a strange, troubled woman, and though I’d normally suggest a strait-jacket, I’d worry you’d develop an inappropriate relationship with the buttons. Best to put up with your motor-mouth boyfriend if it means you can indulge your oddball fetish. Just promise you won’t start introducing Chris to your friends... Dolly
Gift
Card
All you have to do is ‘Like’ and Share with your Friends on Facebook and/or Twitter using #NCH12days
#NCH12days
31
deardolly@metroherald.ie
Dolly has been Metro Herald’s conduit for reader relationship advice. Here are some of the best quandaries and responses I accidentally CC’d a man I fancy at work on an email sent to my friend – along the lines of him being a total ride. How the hell do I get out of this one?! Morto
Friday, December 19, 2014 METRO HERALD
www.nch.ie 01 417 0000
32 METRO HERALD Friday, December 19, 2014
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In the name of the fada T
he cry goes up: how do you spell Sharon Ní Bheoláin? The answer comes back… and don’t forget the fadas. Ah yes, the fadas. Whoever thought fadas were a good idea for a newspaper’s style? But that is precisely what newspapers are all about. Metro, which was to become Metro herald, has a stringent house style for copy and headlines. What readers often fail to realise is that their newspaper has been put together with a military precision that requires proper procedures and discipline. Sure, mistakes happen – we all make them. But without a rigid style, you could end up with journalists doing their own thing with no cohesion to what the newspaper is all about. So it is important to know the difference between garda, gardaí and An Garda Síochána, and where all the fadas go. Believe it or not, there is an 85page A4 document on style we all have to adhere to in the world of
Metro/Metro herald. It features everything from banned words and phrases, such as ‘price hike’ (a hike is a long walk in the countryside) to which words you should star out (f***, p***y and s**g) and those you don’t (arse, bollocks and knob). Then there is headline writing* – a skill many think they have but often fail at the first hurdle. And if you are not careful, you end up with the wrong meaning altogether. For example, ‘Mayor’s ball is back on the menu’ sounds painfully horrible, while ‘Troops fly back to front’ is just plain weird. As for ‘Dead man was seen drinking at party’… sure, it’s funny but ultimately just makes the newspaper look silly. Above all, the worst crime in newspapers is to spell someone’s name incorrectly. So Sharon Ní Bheoláin – getting your name wrong would have been a cardinal sin, and to this day I still have to look it up to make sure my fadas are in the correct place. Chris Cowley, Editor 2006-2010
* One former sub-editor recalls when the writer above told him off for trying to refer to a Dyson vacuum cleaner as a ‘hoover’ in a headline, over copyright concerns. This became known in the office as ‘Hoovergate’.
Metro Herald, August 21, 2014
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Jobs&Courses Jobs
Friday, December 19, 2014 METRO HERALD
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news@metroherald.ie
A job ending is a new beginning NoLLaIG SHoNA! IRISH COURSES FOR ADULTS
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courses & vouchers available
Career Doctor
nd now, the end is near… the end of Metro Herald as we know it. Like everyone else I learned Jane Downes wnes this week that the paper which I have thoroughly enjoyed writing for as Career doctor ceases whose roles were made redunpublishing from today. dant but now I find myself being What a blow this side of Christ- made redundant as the ‘Career mas for the 13 full-time staff and doctor’. So you see, redundancy all the great part-time causal hits everyone in one way or anworkers who distribute the pa- other. But this is only one part of per at the crack of dawn on what I do. weekday mornings with a smile My sincere hope is that these and an enthusiasm that are people can and will depretty impressive. ploy real resilience The internal staff have and put steps in been so resourceful place to convert moving with the times, There is no such their situation adapting, amending in 2015 once thing as a job for the initial shock the business model, embracing digital and has been ablife any more coming up with new sorbed. ways to increase revenue. I often wrote in Their deep culture of prothis newspaper about fessionalism and integrity is there being ‘no such thing what gives me great hope for as a job for life any more’. When this bunch. the Metro Herald staff read these I have had close words, will it scare or excite family relations them? I hope they will come to a
“
place where they see the new world of work not as hopelessly insecure and frighteningly chaotic but as an arena that has never been more excitingly open. There is massive transferability from the skill sets they have had to develop on this job to various skill sets required elsewhere. At the risk of being glib, I must urge Metro Herald staff to be restless realists, now more than ever. draw your own career journey and sketch the road map yourself. You will need to ensure your self-marketing material is shining like your Christmas tree lights. Ensure it is up to date, current and deploying the lingo of the industry you are interested in. Keep polishing it until it shines even more. I am upset that this has happened. But you can and will convert this into an opportunity. Remember what I have said in the past: a job may not be for life, but a career strategy is. Career coach Jane Downes is the author of The Career Book (thecareerbook.ie) and principal coach of Clearview
Coaching Group. For those who would like to continue following Jane’s take on all things careers related, please check out her blog www.clearviewcoachgroup. com/blog.html and site www. clearviewcoachgroup.com for recent press features.
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34 METRO HERALD Friday, December 19, 2014
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Here to help: The staff got stuck in for The Simon Community
Many, many people have come through the doors of and better things. Most of them probably donâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t want
Our Christmas bashes were often strange affairs
u The dangers of working in a newspaper: You could get proposed to like Lisa Higgins did
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Friday, iday, December 19, 2014 METRO HERALD 35
One of those daysâ&#x20AC;Ś
the paper over the years, and gone onto bigger to see these photos again, so here you go
Bum deal: Creative advertising me h...
Maria was also the elf and safety officer
Top dog: MD Paul Crosbie
SPORT
36 METRO HERALD Friday, December 19, 2014
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Metro Herald led the field in no-nonsense sports coverage – here are some greats
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DUTCH GOLD
Picture: Sportfile
Shay’s given a scare in Cyprus
Rampant Holland mesmerise under s t r ength Ir eland STEVE STAUNTON suffered an embarrassing second home defeat on the spin as his patchwork Ireland were simply no match for Marco van Basten’s Holland in front of 42,400 at Lansdowne Road last night. Depleted Ireland, missing stars Shay Given, Robbie Keane, Damien Duff, Richard Dunne and Ian Harte, slumped to their biggest home defeat since losing by the same 4-0 score
BY EDDIE CLEARY to West Germany 40 years ago. Ajaz goal prodigy Klaas Jan Huntelaar and Chelsea’s Arjen Robben put the Dutch 2-0 up at the break and it got no better for Ireland in the second half as the Dutch added a third on 52 minutes when Huntelaar scored his second. Arsenal’s Robin Van Persie added the fourth on 70 minutes on a night to forget for Staunton.
Rockin Robin: Van Persie struck Holland’s fourth
IRELAND 0 HOLLAND 4 – PAGES 34-35
BEST OF TIMES... AND WORST OF TIMES: Metro Herald was there to witness Dublin claim their fifth Leinster title in a row w in 2009 (right), while the travails of the Republic epublic of Ireland soccer team were covered with Brian Kerr’s dismissal in 2005 (below right), and an embarrassing 4-0 defeat by the classy Dutch in Lansdowne Road in 2006 (left)
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RoRy McIlRoy will be Europe’s talisman at next week’s Ryder Cup and then go on to become the sixth player to complete the career grand slam, according to Gary Player. McIlroy’s victory in the open Championship at Royal liverpool in July means he only needs to win the Masters to join Player, Jack Nicklaus, Tiger Woods, Ben Hogan and Gene Sarazen in winning all four of golf’s major titles. And nine-time major winner Player has no doubts the world number one will do
‘It’s been an outstanding season so far for him’ exactly that, after the small matter of trying to help Europe defend the Ryder Cup
Bhoy Roy
Talisman: McIlroy is feather in Ryder Cup’s European cap and on course to become the sixth person to win all four of golf’s majors
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Search begins as Kerr is fired
THE search is on for a new Ireland manager after Brian Kerr was told last night his contract would not be renewed. The 52-year-old has paid the price for the Republic’s failure to qualify for next summer’s World Cup finals in Germany. And now the Football Association of Ireland will look for a figure who can revive their fortunes on the field, starting with qualification for the 2008 European Championships. Martin O’Neill, David O’Leary, Sir Alex Ferguson and Sir Bobby Robson are among a list of high-profile names to have been linked to the post ever since the Republic’s goalless draw with Switzerland last week left Kerr’s fate almost inevitable. A statement
BY PAUL MURPHY
from the FAI read: ‘The board’s view was the declining FIFA world rankings, UEFA standings and non-qualification for the 2006 World Cup were key issues. ‘The downward trend in our rankings and seedings has been disappointing and will make qualification for future tournaments more difficult and that has knock-on consequences for the development of the game. ‘Everyone involved in football is disappointed Ireland failed to qualify for the World Cup and reap the benefits of our involvement in terms of interest in the game and increased participation across the country.’ The contenders: Page 39
All change: Kerr’s reign as Republic of Ireland manager is over
life-changing the ry of
BY PAUL MURPHY
Cascarino backs Keane to shine: Page 39
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ICONS: Metro Herald followed the fortunes of Irish sporting heroes like Katie Taylor, Nina ry, Pádraig P aig Harrington Har ngt and Roy oy Keane K Carberry, – while also keeping tabs on the not so popular like Rory McIlroy and ‘Basketball Man’
Keane to complete his move to Celtic
ROY KEANE is expected to sign for his boyhood heroes Celtic today. The former Manchester United captain travelled to Glasgow last night where he was reported to be undergoing a medical before finalising his move. It is believed the Bhoys’ major shareholder Dermot Desmond had agreed to top up Keane’s salary in order to secure the 34-year-old’s signature. Former Republic of Ireland skipper Keane had his Old Trafford contract terminated last month by mutual consent. He was close to signing for Real Madrid until a backlash from supporters and the Spanish press scuppered the deal. Bolton and Everton also approached Keane but he did not want to return to Old Trafford as a visiting player. Keane will be registered once the transfer window opens next month and would be able to make his debut in the top-of-the-table clash with Hearts on New Year’s Day. England captain David Beckham, who played with Keane at United for almost a decade, told Celtic fans the club will be signing an ‘incredible player.’
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by kEiTH HOpkinS on the European Tour, the BMW PGA Championship at Wentworth, it’s been an outstanding season so far for him. ‘If he can continue to stay happy and healthy, he’ll be the next grand slam winner. I told him the day after his first major that I for one truly believe that he can do it. ‘I won the grand slam at age 29 when I won the US open at Bellerive in 1965. That will be 50 years ago next year. It would truly be a treat to see Rory complete his grand slam on the 50th anniversary of mine. ‘If he does not win the Masters in 2015, I believe it will only be a matter of time. ‘He’s on top of the world right now, with tons of confidence. I certainly think that he will be the talisman for the
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‘On top of world’ Rory set to join Slam record
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North of the border: Roy Keane is expected to sign for Celtic today
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fighTer piloT: Katie Taylor displays her Olympic gold medal as she arrived with the Irish Olympic team at Dublin Airport yesterday. The athletes were greeted by rapturous crowds in their home towns yeste reception at the Mansion House tomorrow rday ahead of a homecoming at lunchtime PICTURE: PA
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This has been the best three years of my life. I never wanted to stay at home, every single day I wanted to be part of this dream team, listening and wishing people a good morning here in Dublin or in other cities and counties in Ireland. Thanks to all the merchandisers, staff and people who participated in this lovely dream… It’s an honour to be part of the Metro Herald story. Márcio Ventura - Central Team Leader
Thanks to all the mercs for making the morning great for our readers, and a huge thank you to Metro Herald for letting me be part this for five years. Dublin won't be the same without the ‘yellows’ on the street, smiling and saying: ‘Good morning, have a nice day’. Lilian Gomes