Dr. Spaceman: Every Quote from 30 Rock

RAVE REVIEWS FOR THE CIGARETTE DIET AND MORE INFINITE WISDOM FROM DR. LEO SPACEMAN

I have tried everything. Now, I’m trying this. What the hell? Why not? I trusted every other diet quack with crap to sell. I’m dying to be thin! Whatever it takes baby! The show must go on! - Kirstie Alley

This is the best thing I’ve done for my brian and health and fitness since buying Jackie Stallone headbands. - Latoya Jackson

MEDICALLY TESTED AND

PROVEN!

It’s how Obama stays sexy. - Washington Insider

When I first heard about this diet I was worried about my image until someone told me it could only help my image. I started the Cigarette Diet that day, never looked back and never looked better. - The Crypt Keepter

MEDI-CRAZE BOOKS

Merry Christmas, Dad. In case you need some medical advice.

By LEO SPACEMAN, M.D.*

Can forge a prescription faster than you can say “oxycoton.”

Heʼs not perfect like those other TV doctors. Heʼs free to make mistakes. Especially on someone else!

To Bob in White Plains: Yes, itʼs normal. But no more than 5 times a day.

To Mark in Tulsa: Only if they spread.

To Elane in Michigan:

Iʼm a pretend doctor. You need a pretend therapist.

“The only thing I love more than the liberal blend of opiates is the great taste of Dr. Pepper...”

“...and when people write me for advice on their medical problems.”

Liz: Hi I work with Tracy Jordan, and I think heʼs having a reaction to some of the medication you put him on.

Dr. Spaceman: Ah, I was afraid this might happen. You know, heʼs on so many different neuroleptics, and tricyclics, that thereʼs no telling how theyʼll mix. But what can you do? Medicineʼs not a science!

Liz: Well what exactly are you treating him for?

Dr. Spaceman: Thereʼs not really a asme for what Tracy has. Basically itʼs erratic tendencies, and delusions, brought on by excessive notoriety. And certainly not helped by my wildly experimental treatments. [laughing]

Boy, Iʼm being awfully open with you, miss!

[Under breath] I should not have taken those blue things.

Liz: So is he dangerous?

Dr. Spaceman: No he should be fine, Iʼll call in a prescription for something to settle him down as soon as possible.

“This is Dr. Leo Spa-che-men.”

“Uh…do you need anything for yourself?”

Jack: Whatʼs wrong with him?

Spaceman: Well to the untrained eye, he would appear to be whats called in the medical community, “sleeping.” But he is also in diabetic coma, which could have been avoided by what we call ʻeatingʼ.

“Ok, this is the gross part “

“Ok, this is the gross part “

Jack: Do whatever you can Leo, he has to wake up.

Spaceman: Ok, this is the gross part... [gives injection]. Damn it. That shot was just a placebo. I was hoping this was psychological. He may not be faking it for attention.

Jack:

Spaceman: Well Iʼd love to, but we have no way of knowing where the heart is. See every human is different. [goes to phone] Now is it 4-1-1 or 9-1-1? [pauses] “New York. uhhh. Diabetes repair, I guess?

Couldnʼt you just inject something right into his heart?

Tracy: Dr. Spaceman, when they check my DNA, will it tell me what diseases l might get or help me to remember my ATM pin code?

Dr. Spaceman: Absolutely. Science is whatever we want it to be. l’ll let you know as soon as l have the results.

ʻ60s.

“Boy, itʼs crazy to think we used to settle questions of paternity by dunking a woman in water until she admitted she made it all up.

Mmm, different time, the

Ladies! What? This? No, no.

I was at a costume party earlier this evening and the hostessʼs dog attacked me, so I had to stab it.

Oh, youʼll be fine, Tracy. I didnʼt let him go through with the vasectomy.

If a patientʼs friend runs into the operating room and yells at you, you have to stop.

Itʼs the Doctorʼs Code.

“Who let him drink champagne? He cannot metabolize the grapes! Someone call Dr. Spaceman!”

Tracy, l have the results of your DNA test. Now, lʼm very serious about doctor/patient confidentiality. So lʼm gonna have to ask that all four of us keep this to ourselves.

LIZ: Oh, hi, Iʼm sorry. I got this number under fertility in the Writerʼs Guild Health Manual.

I’m also listed under meth addiction and child psychiatry. So what can I help you with?

I should start by saying that I can’t personally help you conceive. Something happened to me while scuba diving.

Jack: Dr. Spaceman is giving out flu shots

Dr. Spaceman: Not my favorite part of the medical profession. My favorite part is attending executions.

Jack: Lemon, can I ask you a question as a women?

Spaceman: You may Jack. Are you going to dress up or alter your voice in any way?

Liz Lemon: Hold on Youʼre rationing healthcare? Thatʼs not ok.

Jack: Yes, Lemon. Important people get better healthcare, restaurant restaurants bigger seats in planes…

Spaceman: A more refined class of prostitute…for me its really about the companionship.

When is modern science going to find a cure for a woman’s mouth?

Liz Lemon: I changed my mind! I want the flu shot!

If you want the shot, you’re going to have to dance for it.

I believe doctor-patient confidentiality is a twoway street. I’m cheating on my wife.

Now Jenna, medically speaking, for your height, your weight puts you in what we call the “disgusting range”.

There are also some wonderful, crazy surgical options.

Fortunately, there are solutions.

For example, crystal meth has been shown to be very effective. How important is tooth-retention to you?

Are you familiar with the Bradshaw Clinic?

Now this right here is why I got into medicine.

Iʼve sent a number of my famous clients there. I can make a call, get you in as soon as possible.

There she is! “Me want food!”

Did you know, scientifically speaking, that humans want food but don’t need it?

Dr. Spaceman: Its funny if those teeth were in your vagina, youʼd be considered a monster. But thereʼs nothing physically wrong with you.

Jenna: So why canʼt I sing?

Dr. Spaceman: Must be psychosomatic. Now donʼt worry, thatʼs just a fancy doctor word for “your brain is broken.”

“Now, unfortunately theres no field of medicine that deals with the brain.”

“But I can give you a pamphlet for a cult.”

“Do you feel that sexual energy too?” But it would be…wrong…to act on it.

Well my pen light is working.

Dr. Spaceman: My god Jenna, are you pregnant? How?!

Jenna: No! I’m having a hysterical pregnancy! Did you go swimming in a public pool?

Well, that’s redundant. All pregnancies are hysterical. They’re started by penises. [Chuckles]

Jack: Did you call Dr. Spacement?

Liz: Yeah, yeah I did.

Jack: Then heʼll be fine. Leoʼs an excellent physician. And a pretty good dentist.

I’ll do it! What is it?

Say no more. If itʼs giving people meat, then Iʼm on board.

Iʼve always said Humans need more animal blood. It keeps the spine straight.

Itʼs called the Tracy Jordan Meat Machine. Itʼs a dual press grill.

Dr. Spaceman: Jack: Dr. S:

You boys need anything while youʼre here? Some reds? Yellows?

Just got some purples in from Peru.

It would be rude not to take one or two.

Alrighty.

Tracy: Bread is one of the worst things in the world, but weʼve already needed it. Until now. By burning three different types of meat together, the Tracy Jordan Meet Machine takes bread out of equation. Now youʼre sandwich is all of the good stuff. Thatʼs delicious!

Dr. Spaceman: And itʼs healthy. Hi, Iʼm Dr. Leo Spaceman. Iʼm a working physician with a degree from the Ho Chi Minh city School of medicine.

Tracy: Dr. Spaceman, is it true that bread eats away at your brain?

Dr. Spaceman: We have no way of knowing, because the powerful bread lobby keeps stopping my research! [Audience Gasps!]

You could lose a foot!

Tracy: So how am I looking Dr. Spaceman?

Dr. Spaceman: Tracy, I donʼt know how to say this. Dee-Ay—Buh—Tees?

Tracy: Diabetes?

Dr. Spaceman: Thats it!

Could I replace it with a wheel like Rosie from the Jetsons?

I suppose. But then, youʼd have to register as a motor vehicle!

Kidney transplantation is no laughing matter, so I apologize. [starts laughing]

Kidneys just such funny word. I think itʼs the hard ʻKʼ Sound

Good morning! Now full disclosure, most of my experience is putting babies IN women.

Iʼm gonna kill that man

You just described my morning! Now, Mrs. Jordan, Iʼve already administered the epidural, so… would you like one as well?

All right, Tracy, l have the DNA results right here. Are you ready to find out who your biological father is?

Tracy. . . meet your father, Tom!

No! l hate you, Thomas Jefferson ! l donʼt know who l am anymore! You canʼt be my father! He a dog and a liar!

No matter, Maurice. lʼm here for you, Tracy Jordan. l rode a horse all the way from Heaven to tell you something important. America, which l invented. . .

Sounds

little R

R. Rum and Ritalin. All right, now that the popsicles melted, weʼve got ourselves a tongue depressor.

Dr. Spaceman: All right, here is a prescription for your cold sores, and hereʼs a blank one for the weekend. Now why arenʼt you wearing pants?

Lemon: The other doctor told me to take them off.

Dr. Spaceman: Oh that must be my brother randy. Tomorrow, heʼs going to jail for the rest of his life. Ha ha ha Good one randy! You want to go to taco bell for lunch?

like you could use a

&

Tracy, you are going to die.

What? NO!

...when I tell you who I’m dating. Squeaky Fromme. She is... dif cult. Anyhoo, I have the results of your physical.

Tracy, you are going to die.

What? NO!

Look, making even minor changes to your unhealthy lifestyle would help. Like diet and exercise.

Lollipop?

You have no re exes, your blood tastes like root beer, and some of your bones appear to have vanished. Now I’ve only ever seen this kind of thing on dead people on Operation Desert Storm. I actually wrote a report on it but the old commander refused to pass it on up to Saddam. Kooky times.

Dr. Spaceman: A vasectomy is a very serious decision. I want to make sure youʼve both thought this through.

Jack: I have, Iʼve thought about it, and Iʼve decided I donʼt want to have children.

Dr. Spaceman: And what about you, Tracy?

Now, for the procedure, you can choose between local or general anesthesia. I should warn you that general anesthesia can cause powerful hallucinations. So I highly recommend it. I’ll schedule both of you for the morning.

Tracy: The Cosby Show lied to me.

Dr. Spaceman: I donʼt think thereʼs a box for that on the form...

...Uh, what about ʻʼCheersʼ lied to meʼʼ?

Now, this is surgery, so donʼt eat anything before you come in. Because Iʼll have a big breakfast waiting for you.

[Jack coughs] And cough. [Jack coughs again].

And cough [Jack coughs again]. Okay! Now, letʼs start the examination.

Jack: My weddingʼs in a couple of days.

Dr. Spaceman: And your blood pressure is -310 over 280! We have a winner! Howʼs the stress eating?

Jack: Under control.

Dr.Spaceman: Have I given you my new book?

Dr. Spaceman: Do you have any questions about the wedding night?

Itʼs about having a satisfying love life. For life!

Jack: Is that you in these pictures?

Spaceman: My techniques guarantee male orgasm.

Dr. Spaceman: Alright now that Iʼm finished with my handwriting sample for the FBI, lets look at your test results.

Dr. Spaceman: Oh.. this is, puzzling. Tracy, there doesnʼt seem to be anything wrong with you at all.

Tracy: Oh my god...how many years do you think I have left?

Dr. Spaceman: 40… maybe 50. You know Iʼm not so happy about this either. The money Iʼve made from all your health problems has helped to put me halfway through medical school.”

Tracy: How am I supposed to live like this?

Dr. Spaceman: Tracy. Iʼm sorry. I dont have a pamphlet to help you get through this, but I do have a pamphlet of a bunch of vaginas.

Tracy: Iʼll take it.

Aaaand...donezies.

Liz: Did it work?

Dr. Spaceman: Ah, Iʼm sure it did. This machine is a genuine “Lasig?” Hmm. Curious. Can you read the top line over there?

Liz: [Reading]

Dear Dr. Spaceman, Thank you for your submission. The New England Journal of Medicine does not publish XRated cartoons....

Dr. Spaceman: Well why not?! Ugh, so frustrating. But, at least I heard it from a friend. So while weʼre here what else do you want to do? Face burn? Bone morph? Mouth peel?

Dr. Spaceman: You seem nervous. I could give you something for that. But you know what, Iʼm not supposed to have sex with my patients. and your hair is...fine.

Dr. Spaceman: Jenna, I understand what its like having too much on your plate. Between my medical practice and this job, Iʼm pulled in every direction. I can give you these pamphlets on stress, and diet and doing a movie and a tv show at the same time, but theyʼre all going to tell you you need to give something up...

...and theyʼre wrong. You CAN burn the candle at both ends. My lab work is in the field of sleep research. Mostly because I checked the wrong box on a form once.

We are currently working on a pill that keeps people awake under any circumstances. Itʼs being funded by the United States Military and the WNBA.

Jenna: Where do I sign up?

Dr. Spaceman: Oh please, we donʼt want a paper trail. Take 25 of these a day for the rest of your life.

“ You know, they dont tell you this until AFTER you’ve paid for medical school, but being a doctor is exactly like the game operation.”

Dr. Spaceman: Now something is definitely obstructing your sinus cavity… now we have two options. either drill a hole in the back of your head, and push it out with your brain”

Tracy: Okay that sounds good

Tracy: My buck rogers decoder ring!

Dr. Spaceman: Or, i could just pull it out, through your nostril.

Liz: Weʼll just do the second one, thank you.

Liz: How long has that been up there, those things are from the 70s!

You know what else is from the 70s? Women staying quiet.

Anyway, you may feel some burning and tingling but you should regain normal sensation in just a few hours.

Oh, Iʼm sorry, I was talking to my lover on my bluetooth. Hang on Sukie

Now remember, Tracy: A newly regained sense can be a very powerful thing… overwhelming even.. so if you do have an extreme reaction, PLEASE try to get it on video for nephewʼs funny website.”

Theyʼve got pretzels downstairs!