You are a gift: What it means to love yourself first

By CARINA REEVES

In the thick heat of the Mexican jungle, with the surf roaring in the distance, she whispered in my ear, “You are a gift” … and I wept as my heart cracked open and all the love I’d been yearning for rushed in.

It was one of those moments where everything changes.

I’d never been comfortable in my skin, not really. As a kid in elementary school I was too tall for my age with glasses and frizzy hair, and I was always going to cello lessons after school instead of sports and play dates. I was an only child and I had no idea how to connect with other kids, let alone handle being teased and mocked mercilessly.

In High School, I tried to figure things out, copying the cool kids as best I could, but I was still awkward uncomfortable me. The lesson I took away was that there was something wrong with me, and I needed to keep working to fix myself.

Of course, as an adult, I chose a partner who also thought I wasn’t good enough. The relationship was wonderful when it was going well, but it gradually deteriorated into the same fight repeatedly; he was right and I was wrong. I stayed in that relationship for ten years, trapped in my belief that every problem was my fault and that I was broken and needed fixing.

When I left the relationship I took a deep look at my part in the divorce, and it served me well. I went to every event I could find that talked about showing me the way to understanding myself and the world. Self-development? Yes, please! Subconscious belief shifting? I was in! If you’re reading this article, I’m sure you can relate to that hunger to understand how to navigate the world in a peaceful, kind way, that made sense, especially to yourself.

When the house sold, I had some money in my pocket and I found an online ad for a women’s retreat in Mexico that shouted in bold type that this experience was THE PLACE TO BE for embodiment, sisterhood, freedom, and bliss. It felt like an invitation that was just for me! Nothing about pushing yourself, nothing about requirements for where you’re supposed to get to, nothing about fixing yourself. NO! This was about FREEING yourself. Expressing whatever needed to be expressed. Weirdness welcome. Wounded parts welcome. ALL of you welcome.

The retreat delivered everything it promised and more. I learned to be in my body and spirit with deep listening, curiosity, and reverence. I learned to be in a calm presence with myself, and I learned to call Magic into my experience and go on incredible spiritual journeys.

Every day we had a different partner from the 40 women at the retreat, and on the fourth day, I was working with a young, wonderful woman with platinum blonde hair and an easy laugh. We explored our deepest desires in the practice together that day, and when it was my turn I remember waves of resistance coming up. I heard voices in my head that insisted I wasn’t enough, nobody really cared about me, I wasn’t worth the trouble, and that I’d never, ever, really belong.

I breathed into that resistance, and I breathed out fear and blame and rejection. Every wave was witnessing a part of me that had tried to keep me safe when things were hard. How my younger self had tried to make sense of feeling confused, rejected, and abandoned, and she had brought me these solutions that had WORKED… for a time.

When I was ready, I asked for Source to show me a new way of being in the world. The words slipped into my mind so quietly it felt like silently being handed a torch in the middle of the darkest night, and I heard, “You are a gift, sweet one, you are a gift.”

Asking the dear woman partnering with me in this practice to whisper these words in my ear, I surrendered to the sobs of release and reclamation. I was no longer in the way, a meddling troublesome burden that could never be good enough. I was a glorious miraculous gift, held and loved in my body, as my soul was free to share my unique and beautiful self in the world.

The next two years were a whirlwind of learning, exploring, dating, and creating. I completed a year-long sex, love, and relationship program, started my online coaching business, received two marriage proposals, and met the man who is now my beloved partner in life and business. I thought what I had wanted was for my ex to understand, appreciate, and value me. But that wasn’t it at all. I needed that from ME. Loving yourself isn’t just a theory, a phrase you need to memorize. Self-love is an intimate EXPERIENCE of yourself, felt in your heart and skin and bones, a vibration of energy that you are connected to. Self Love is an essential shift to knowing who you are and being completely aligned with your body and energy.

If there’s one thing I want you to take away from this article, it’s this: when you come into alignment with yourself and your energy, body and soul, your whole life, including your relationships, will be like miracles in the middle of the Mexican jungle.

FREE ESSENTIAL LETTING GO PRACTICE: www.everydaygoddess.love www.carinareevescoaching.com

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