The Miscellany News 01.30.2020

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Tiana Headley

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News Editor

risten Applegarth was desperate.

The father of her children was cheating on her with her friend.

One day, she told him not to come back home. Financially dependent on him at the time, she was left without an income to pay her rent. She had no one to babysit her children while she worked.

Then someone offered her drugs she could sell. She did not

make much, but it paid for the roof over her head. But she said it was a mistake—one that landed her in jail back in 2014. She did not see her children for six months. Dutchess authorities arrested her for intent to sell heroin, a Schedule One substance. It was her first felony charge, but it was serious enough to land her in jail on $20,000 bail.

On any given day in 2018, 72 percent of Dutchess County’s prison population awaited trial

for crimes they had not yet been convicted (New York State Division of Criminal Justice Services, “Jail Population In New York State,” 01.01.2020). Statewide, people who had not paid bail composed 67 percent of New York’s prison population in 2017 (Vera Institute of Justice, “Empire State of Incarceration: Correcting the Overuse of Jail,” 12.2017).

Criminal justice reform advocates have long fought for the See Cash Bail on page 4

Vassar contemplates Kobe’s legacy Jonah Frere-Holmes, Dean Kopitsky Sports Editors

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here’s no fitting way to begin or end thinking about the shock of Sunday, Jan. 26. The unreality of receiving texts from friends with screenshots taken from shoddy news outlets. The disgust that followed TMZ publishing his death before his family was notified (New York Times, “In Haste to Confirm Kobe Bryant News, News Media Stumbles,” 01.27.2020). The tumult that

Inside this issue

Not sponsored content: Columnist just really loves her Instant Pot.

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Volume 153 | Issue 1

January 30, 2020

2020 NY bail reforms take effect

consumed news desks across the country as they scrambled to verify the reports. Refreshing more trustworthy outlets with bated breath, until finally CNN, The New York Times and ESPN all confirmed—Kobe Bryant, one of his daughters, Gigi, and seven others, including two of Gigi’s 13-year-old teammates, died in a helicopter crash. The victims’ families are left to imagine the people they loved suffering through confusing and terrifying final moments. Arguments

about Kobe’s legacy on and off the court cannot ignore that real people are experiencing grief and loss.

Routines like commuting to your daughter’s basketball game can turn to tragedy. Kobe Bryant couldn’t prevent that. A man whose greatest moments were aided by a bit of luck—a slowly rotating defender, a fortuitous bounce on the rim.

But that’s sports—its legends convince us that they’re imSee Kobe Bryant on page 16

Developments to change local landscape

Frankie Knuckles, Jessica Moss Managing Editor, Editor-in-Chief

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n the summer of 2014, the historical Arthur S. May school, located on the fringes of a pedestrian-friendly stretch along Raymond Avenue that includes several restaurants and small businesses, shut down.

But an upcoming project aims to revitalize the lot. The Arthur May Anchor Project, spearheaded by real estate developer PAZ Management, would demolish

See hotel on page 3

Gaea, Indigo, Ivy Sole perform at Aula Protests destabilize T Chile, JYA XinRui Ong Columnist

he colorful lights shot green, red and blue from the windows of the Aula, piercing the darkness of the cold night of Friday, Jan. 24. It was the perfect backdrop for ViCE weekly’s first student performance of the semester, during which three singer songwriters contemplated heartbreaks, butterflies and déjà vu in a variety of musical styles. A division of Vassar College Entertainment, ViCE staged a concert in a faux bedroom in Ely Hall. A microphone, a mixer, string lights, potted plants and a dismembered mannequin,

closely clustered in the center of the aged building, comprised the set. Audiences huddled closely around the stage, bouncing their knees and bopping their heads to catchy rhythms.

Gaea ’21, a self-taught producer who works from her dorm room in the late hours of the night, kicked off the performance with original chill-pop tunes carried by her dreamy voice, retelling personal experiences that felt like a serious, heart-to-heart conversation in melody. Perhaps it is the honesty in her gentle, fluid tunes that guides and embraces audiences, leading them to her refreshingly

real personal world. “Writing music for me is like writing in a diary … Hearing from people how my music can really resonate with them is so awesome,” Gaea explained. She performed unreleased tracks from her upcoming album “Origins of a Moonchild”—live, at the very site of the artist’s song-making.

Each song she performed suited a distinct mood. While “Carnival” had a deep, thudding bass that reflected the audiences’ own anticipating heartbeats, “Champagne” drew listeners into a buzzed state with a rich amalgamation of instruments

See Ivy Sole on page 6

HUMOR

Opinionated Opinions Editor shares his opinions on how to opine in the Opinions section.

OPINIONS

the Arthur S. May School—a structure which is eligible for both State and National Historic registration—and replace it with a five-story, 110-room hotel and apartment complex that would bring housing and commercial space to the community (Town of Poughkeepsie Planning Department, 11.21.2019).

The development has yet to attain final site plan approval from the Town of Poughkeepsie,

The former Arthur S. May School, above, would be developed into a multi-story hotel and apartment complex. Yvette Hu/The Miscellany News.

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Vassar College’s student newspaper of record since 1866

Gaea performs songs from her upcoming album, “Origins of a Moon Child,” at the Aula. Courtesy of Grace Rousell.

Helen Johnson

Guest Columnist

[CW: This article contains descriptions of political violence.] id you know that tear gas hits your throat and nose before your eyes? You feel a burning sensation, the urge to cough and only then will your eyes start to water. I certainly didn’t expect to learn this during my semester abroad in Chile, where I spent five months attending a Chilean university and living with a host family.

I lived in Valparaíso, a port city and center of art and culture on the west coast of South America. The steep cerros, or hills, are stacked with colorful houses sloping down to the coast. Valpo (as residents affectionately call it) is also filled—ground to roof, wall to wall—with intricate murals. Starting as part of President Salvador Allende’s campaign in the ’60s, they range from depictions of animals and people to representations of the Mapuche people (Chile’s largest indigenous group) to overtly political messages (BBC News, “The Chilean muralists who defied Pinochet,” 09.06.2013). Valparaíso is undoubtedly one of the most beau-

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See Chile on page 9

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January 30, 2020

THE MISCELLANY NEWS EDITOR-IN-CHIEF MANAGING EDITOR SENIOR EDITORS

Jessica Moss

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During her experience abroad in Glasgow, Scotland, Tammy Wang ’21 took three days out of her packed schedule to visit London. She captured this view of the London Eye from the opposite bank of the River Thames. Describing her short getaway, she wrote, “I felt extremely free for the first time in a while. I knew that back at home, I had a lot of responsibilities on my shoulders.” To read more about Wang’s time studying in Glasgow, visit farandaway.miscellanynews.org!

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Delila Ames Carissa Clough Rayan El Amine Sawyer Bush Lindsay Craig Rohan Dutta Xin Rui Ong Sherry Liao Juliette Pope Jason Han Amanda Herring Tiffany Trumble Frank

CORRECTION POLICY The Miscellany News will only accept corrections for any misquotes, misrepresentations or factual errors for an article within the semester it is printed.

The Miscellany News is not responsible for the views presented within its Opinions pages. Staff editorials are the only articles that reflect the opinion of a two-thirds majority of the Editorial Board.

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January 30, 2020

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Down the road, Arthur S. May and I/I move beyond blueprints Continued from hotel on page 1

although the Town granted conditional approval in November. In total, the venture would include a large parking lot, set to accommodate 351 vehicles; three two-story buildings with retail and residential spaces; and two seven-story residential buildings connected by a fitness center, business center and clubhouse with a lounge. The estimated cost of the development is $50 million (Poughkeepsie Journal, “Arthur May Anchor Project to bring hotel, apartments, retail to Poughkeepsie,” 01.13.2019).

Despite the projected capacity of the parking lot and the size of the development, Town of Poughkeepsie Supervisor Jon J. Baisley indicated to The Poughkeepsie Journal that traffic along Raymond Avenue would not be significantly affected by the project (“Arthur May Anchor Project”).

The $2.1 million pending sale of property to the project would also bring the property into the Town’s tax base for the first time in several decades, as it has heretofore been owned by the tax-exempt Arlington School District. The current tax plan under consideration by Dutchess County includes $15 million paid to local tax authorities within the first 25 years of operation (“Arthur May Anchor Project”).

The property is within the intentionally walkable Arlington Town Center zoning district, which Town codes describe as “a unique blend of residential and business land uses in close proximity to Vassar College” (Town of Poughkeepsie, NY Code, “Arlington Town Center District,” 2019). But some streets may not remain so walkable for long: The Town will soon see not just one, but two major real estate projects, as Vassar has plans to construct a lodging of its own.

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The Town of Poughkeepsie Zoning Board of Appeals (ZBA) has yet to decide whether a plot of land less than half a mile away from the Arthur S. May site can be developed into Vassar’s Inn and Institute for the Liberal Arts (I/I), which includes 50 hotel rooms, a

Sara Lawler In Our Headlines...

With the commencement of the Senate impeachment trial on Jan. 16, Americans first glimpsed the Trump legal team’s defense for aid withheld from Ukraine in the summer of 2019. The team echoed Trump’s own justifications and framed the impeachment trial as a calculated political move by Democrats to remove Trump from office. Many of the arguments presented by Trump’s legal team did not address evidence gathered by the House of Representatives during their investigation. Senate Republicans have largely rallied behind President Trump, while a few moderate Republicans declined to publicly comment (The Washington Post, “Trump’s lawyers begin their defense in impeachment trial as Republicans rally around the president,” 01.25.2020).

A new ABC national poll shows former Vice President Joe Biden and Senator Bernie Sanders (D-VT) pulling ahead of other candidates in the race for the Democratic nomination for the 2020 presidential election. Biden is currently polling at 32

conference space and a parking lot. The proposed site of the development, on the corner of College and Raymond Avenues, lies within the institutional zone that encompasses Vassar’s entire campus, though the I/I would border the numerous residences that populate the quiet College Avenue, as well as the existing Alumnae House, a 20-bedroom lodging place open only to members of the Vassar community.

The current proposal for the I/I includes provisions for use of the facility and its accommodations by non-Vassar affiliates, an issue that complicates the current zoning debate. In order to construct on land that is zoned institutional, the College must prove that the I/I either directly supports the mission of the institution—in this case, education—or can be considered an accessory use by the institution, like residential dorms are. Because the facilities would be open to use by the broader community, this raises the question of whether it is a commercial enterprise disconnected from the educational mission of the College. In particular, the Zoning Administrator expressed concerns about the use of an outside operator to manage the hotel.

This point was contested by Vassar Vice President for Finance Bryan Swarthout at a Jan. 13 ZBA meeting, during which he affirmed under oath that the I/I’s purpose is not to generate revenue. Instead, the College intends to finance the project entirely through gifts, likely operating at a net loss.

Vassar Dean of Strategic Planning and Academic Resources Marianne Begemann, alongside Rebecca Valk, a lawyer from Cuddy & Feder LLP representing Vassar, testified to the I/I’s educational use value, given that other schools and universities have comparable hotel and conference structures. As Begemann pointed out, “Of the 20 institutions with which we benchmark ourselves on many metrics...eight, or 40 percent, owned hotels on or close to campus.”

Although the administrators assert that the building is educational in nature despite

its rental spaces, they noted that they could still categorize the Inn as institutional were they to close it off from the Poughkeepsie community, similar to the Alumnae House.

Valk stated: “If we were forced to be fully Vassar-only use … then we have the benefit of our tax-exempt status.”

Questions remain as to the potential impact of these development projects on each other. In the Jan. 13 meeting, Town of Poughkeepsie Board Member Ann Shirshen noted that she believes the I/I to be primarily educational, but, like existing Vassar spaces including the Mary Ann Fox Martel Recital Hall in Skinner Hall, also a potential benefit to the community through events that are open to the public. Speaking directly to the relation between the two developments, she commented, “I really think the [Inn] would be mainly attractive to students and Vassar alumnae/i...If the Arthur S. May project goes through, there’d be another hotel down the street that is going to be probably more affordable with a free breakfast, which will attract the public to stay there.” In short, Shirshen suggested that the Arthur May redevelopment’s existence strengthens the argument that the I/I is a primarily institutional use—a Vassar-focused project.

Likewise, the College indicated in an emailed statement, “[T]he [Arthur S. May] development is very different from the Institute Vassar is planning to build and from what we know of the other development, it seems as though they could be quite complementary.”

Spokespersons for both developments, as well as some local business owners, see the projects as mutually beneficial, coexisting to fill a need for a hotel in the Arlington area that has gone unmet.

But many residents of the Town don’t see the need as large enough to warrant two projects—and still others anticipate disruption to everyday life. Victoria Balfour ’72 commented in an emailed statement, “The new Arthur May development project, which includes a hotel and retail stores, is

more than sufficient for the area’s needs.

That hotel will be close to campus and will hold ample room for visiting alum, prospective students and Trustees. To have another ‘inn’ by Alumnae House is not necessary.”

In the ZBA meeting, numerous Poughkeepsie residents spoke on the excessiveness of two hotels existing only a few blocks apart. Professor Emerita of English Beth Darlington read a statement by Professor Emerita and local resident Shirley Johnson Lance: “I wonder about the wisdom of building an inn on a site that is just a couple of blocks away from the hotel that is going to be built.” Additionally, the recently created Arlington Neighborhood Association has assembled in opposition to the I/I’s location and site plan—both aspects of the project which do not fall under the jurisdiction of the ZBA, but instead under that of the Town’s Planning Board. The Arthur May Project only acquired conditional approval after years of public Planning Board hearings, but local residents have expressed comparatively little opposition to the project as of late.

The ZBA moved to adjourn consideration of the I/I appeal until its next meeting on Feb. 10. The Arthur May redevelopment, meanwhile, is in the process of finalizing the sale of the property, at which point it will proceed, pending final site plan approval from the Town.

percent, with Sanders trailing at 23 percent.

The two candidates represent two different political positions within the Democratic party. Senator Elizabeth Warren (D-MA) is the only other candidate polling in double digits at 12 percent, a large drop from when she polled at 23 percent in October. Former NYC Mayor Mike Bloomberg trails Warren at eight percent. Following Bloomberg is entrepreneur Andrew Yang at seven percent, South Bend Mayor Pete Buttigieg at five percent and Senator Amy Klobuchar (D-MN) at three percent. The Iowa Caucus, which will take place on Feb. 3, typically has a substantial impact on the following primaries and sets the stage for the general nominee (The Washington Post, “Biden and Sanders are breaking away from the pack of candidates among Democrats nationwide, ABC news poll findsm,” 01.26.2020).

Secretary of State Mike Pompeo raised his voice and dropped an expletive during an interview with National Public Radio (NPR) reporter Mary Louise Kelly on Jan. 24, when questions turned from Iran to Ukraine and former U.S. Ambassador to Ukraine Marie Yovanovich. In her own interview with NPR, Kelly stated that Pompeo yelled “for about the same amount of time as the interview itself” and then requested that Kelly point to Ukraine on the map.

Pompeo asked Kelly, “Do you think Americans care about Ukraine?” and reportedly used foul language. Pompeo stated that he had only agreed to talk about Iran—not about Ukraine, Marie Yovanovich or the

events leading up to the impeachment trial.

Kelly stated that she had informed Pompeo’s aides that she would ask about Ukraine as well as Iran (Reuters, “Radio reporter says Pompeo cursed at her after testy interview,” 01.24.2020).

Elâzığ, Turkey on Friday, killing 32 and injuring more than 1,600 people. Rescue teams worked through the night to pull 45 individuals from the rubble. Among those rescued were a 35-year-old mother and her infant daughter who had been heard screaming for help. The woman’s husband was killed in the earthquake. The teams have located an additional six people who are still trapped.

Environment and Urbanization Minister Murat Kurum stated that the government will begin reconstruction immediately, repairing 1.5 million structures that were affected across multiple provinces (Reuters, “Turkey quake rescue winds down after dozens pulled from rubble,” 01.26.2020).

Afghan forces killed 51 members of the Taliban, using both air and ground strikes.

Officials in the Balkh province stated that three women and four children were also killed. The government stated they would begin a fact-finding mission into the civilian casualties. The Taliban also staged two attacks on security forces. The strikes show an escalation of tensions that will likely slow down the negotiations between the U.S. and the Taliban that began in Doha last year, during which sources state that the Taliban had agreed to halt attacks against U.S. forces. These negotiations have been halted twice before as a result of Taliban attacks on members of the U.S. military. Despite this, reports of Taliban attacks have continued throughout Afghanistan (Reuters, Afghan forces launch air, ground attacks on Taliban, killing 51,” 01.26.2020).

Around the World...

The death toll from the Coronavirus has exceeded 100, with 6,000 more cases confirmed in Wuhan, China, the center of the outbreak. Among these deaths is one case in Shanghai, which previously had no cases.

The virus has a 10 to 14 day asymptomatic period. This has raised anxieties about the spread of the virus, as infected individuals may travel before showing symptoms. In addition, a fourth case has been confirmed in the United States. An individual in Orange County, California tested positive for the virus recently but is currently in good condition. The other two cases in the United States were in Washington State and Chicago. In an attempt to slow the spread of the virus, China has banned wildlife trade until the epidemic passes. The Chinese government has also put considerable travel restrictions on Wuhan, including restrictions on the use of cars in the city and bans on leaving the city. Many Wuhan residents are frustrated with officials, believing the epidemic has not been adequately handled (The New York Times, “Coronavirus Live Updates: Death Toll Climbs, and So Does the Number of Infections,” 01.28.2020).

A 6.8 magnitude earthquake struck

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Frankie Knuckles/The Miscellany News.

NEWS

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January 30, 2020

Cash bail reforms complicate local criminal justice systems Continued from Cash Bail on page 1

abolition of cash bail because of the twotiered system of justice they say it upheld, disadvantaging the poor and people of color.

Bail and pretrial custody are supposed to ensure that those accused of a crime show up to their court date. But, while in jail, they could lose their homes, jobs and custody of their children. Those who could not afford their freedom sat in jail, even as the financially privileged accused of the same crimes could walk free before their trial.

A new law, entitled NYS Senate Bill 1509C, which passed in April 2019 and went into effect Jan. 1, 2020, has curtailed cash bail for nearly 90 percent of cases across New York State. These cases include most misdemeanors and nonviolent felonies.

Judges can still set bail on a remaining 10 percent of arrests—including almost all violent felonies and certain nonviolent felonies, such as sex offenses and witness tampering (The New York State Senate, “Senate Bill 1509C”).

While advocates for the law—including Governor Andrew Cuomo (D-NY)—see the reforms as a step toward a fairer criminal justice system, some think the law goes too far.

“In fact, [reformers] unnecessarily compromised public safety in the process,” Dutchess County District Attorney (DA) William Grady highlighted in an emailed statement.

Grady, who plans to retire after the next election and end his tenure as DA after 40 years, said that he supports bail reform but not to the extent to which Democrats pushed. “The essence of this concern lies with the fact that discretion has been taken away from judges in setting bail on those cases that clearly call for such,” he said.

For example, Grady claims a person could commit a robbery or burglary and a judge could not consider holding them on bail. He also claims that, under the new system, bail can no longer be used to detain someone in a serious domestic violence incident, even when a high risk of serious harm to the victim has been determined.

S1509C takes a charge-based approach, in which the level of the offense and the charge determines whether the person must be released on recognizance, under pretrial supervision or if bail must be set: • Misdemeanors: Judges must release the person on their own recognizance (without bail) or the person must comply with pretrial supervision. Electronic monitoring is only permitted for misdemeanors that involve domestic violence and

sex-related offenses or if the person was convicted of a violent felony in the past five years.

• Nonviolent felonies: Judges can consider pretrial supervision, such as electronic monitoring if release on recognizance is not appropriate. Judges may set bail for sex offenses, witness tampering, terrorism-offenses and felony-level criminal contempt in domestic violence cases.

• Violent felonies: Judges can set bail if they find that release on recognizance, nonmonetary conditions or electronic monitoring is not sufficient to assure the person’s return for trial. Those charged with specific subsections of burglary in the second degree and robbery in the second degree with no violent conduct alleged must be released on recognizance or with pretrial supervision (Vera Institute of Justice, “New York, New York: Highlights of the 2019 Bail Reform Law,” 07.2019).

Those who could not afford their freedom sat in jail[.]

In the years leading up to S1509C’s enactment, New York advocates for bail reform pointed to New Jersey’s overhauled bail system as a success story. New Jersey eliminated bail in 2017 and has since witnessed a 30.4 percent drop in its pretrial population.

People released under the state’s new system were no more likely to commit a crime pretrial than those released under the previous system, according to a report by the state’s Administrative Office of the Courts (Northjersey.com, “Did NJ bail reform cause a surge in crime? Court analysis says no,” 04.02.2019).

Among other differences between the two states’ bail systems, New Jersey allows judges to consider a person’s danger to the public when deciding bail. This is done on a case-by-case basis and is determined by a person’s criminal history and the charges they face presently (Northjersey.com, “Did NJ bail reform cause a surge in crime? Court analysis says no,” 04.02.2019).

New York is the only state to bar judges

from weighing a person’s risk to public safety—potential of inflicting physical harm— when considering bail (Vera Institute of Justice, “New York, New York: Highlights of the 2019 Bail Reform Law,” 06.07.2019). New York has restricted this consideration since passing the state’s 1971 Code of Criminal Procedure law. Still, opponents of the 2020 reforms say that public safety is in danger.

Senator Sue Serino (R-Hyde Park) has been one of the most vocal legislators against the reforms since they were introduced in the State Assembly. She introduced two bills in the state Senate to amend S1509C, one of which would allow judges to consider a person’s danger to the public in their decision to set bail (The New York State Senate, “Senate Bill S6840”). The other bill would qualify certain domestic violence-related offenses committed by a family member for bail (The New York State Senate, “Senate Bill S6839”).

Serino supports the intent of the law and believes strongly in the presumption of innocence, which she shared in an emailed statement. But she feels that the voices of those who work to keep communities safe, such as victims’ advocates and law enforcement, have been ignored. “As a result, instead of creating a more balanced system, the scales of justice have been tilted to favor criminals and that’s not right either,” she asserted.

Proponents of S1509C have taken issue with rhetoric claiming the law puts criminals back into communities. New York Civil Liberties Union (NYCLU) Lower Hudson Director Shannon Wong emphasized that this discourse diminishes the presumption of innocence that is fundamental to the criminal justice system.

“When you are charged with a crime, you are not guilty.” She elaborated, “There is a process that should occur before someone is denied their liberty, and that’s what this law is trying to ensure—that people are afforded their constitutional rights, due process and the presumption of innocence before they are incarcerated.”

In response to the continuous debate about the threats defendants who walk freely pose, Wong pointed out that someone’s extensive criminal history often stem from over policing of communities of color and racial bias. “The truth is that lots of people are doing criminal behavior, but they’re just not caught,” she said.

The benefits and consequences of pretrial imprisonment—the result of unpaid bail—have also been debated. The NYCLU believes that the previous system of mass in-

carceration does not address the concerns of S1509C’s opponents.

“If we’re worried about public safety, then there are other solutions that would solve these problems—housing, jobs, mental health services and substance abuse [rehabilitation],” Wong affirmed. “Those services are what’s going to support people and encourage connection in our community, whereas mass incarceration is just diminishing people, exposing them to more violence and disconnecting them from all the things that ground them.”

But others believe that pretrial incarceration can connect people with some of these beneficial services. Grady believes that Dutchess is one of the most progressive counties in the state in terms of providing pretrial services to those involved with the criminal justice system. He revealed that incarcerated people with drug dependencies who would otherwise spend months in jail are encouraged to get treatment through the Dutchess County Re-Entry Stabilization Transition and Reintegration Track (RESTART) program. If they finish the program during pretrial, they are released on probation and avoid further jail time.

“These offenders usually had serious prior criminal histories and were resistant to volunteering for drug therapy, creating risks to public safety. This was the only effective way to incentivize them to deal with their addiction and change their lives,” he elaborated.

The county’s Pretrial Release Services program evaluates incarcerated individuals with nonviolent charges the day after their arrest to determine if they qualify for pretrial release. Individuals can either be released on recognizance or released under supervision.

Supervision can entail electronic monitoring, transitional housing or any other conditions that a judge deems necessary to insure a person’s return to court. “At any given time, between 500 to 600 offenders are participating who would otherwise be in jail because they simply couldn’t afford to make bail,” Grady said.

Applegarth says the justice system did not provide her this opportunity. In the context of her first felony charge, she wishes the justice system had treated her with more consideration.

“They put me right up there with the murderers and rapists,” she said. “I [would] rather lose my home and my belongings than to lose my freedom, dignity and the chance to see my children every day when I want to.”

Wi-Fi meme captures eduroam ennui, CIS attention Olivia Watson News Editor

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hortly after now-defunct Vassar Memes Instagram account posted a joke about unreliable Wi-Fi during midterms season, a conversation ensued between Computing and Information Services (CIS) and the student responsible.

Vice President for Computing and Information Services and Chief Information Officer Carlos Garcia explained that though the CIS department had received a few complaints regarding inconsistent Wi-Fi prior to the meme, it served as the impetus for outreach to students and eventual action.

Students cited concerns about the impact the outages will have on their academic lives. Isabelle Pasquette ’22 relayed her frustration: “I have a love-hate relation-

ship with this school’s Wi-Fi. Sometimes, when I am in the middle of writing an essay, the Wi-Fi will suddenly disconnect and my project isn’t saved in Google Docs.

When I reload the page after the WiFi reconnects, I lose my progress.” While frustrating, for some students this lapse in internet connection is merely one of Vassar’s cultural quirks.

Garcia explained that some of Vassar’s older buildings feature thick walls and metal frameworks that can hinder signal coverage, which is why Wi-Fi will suddenly cut out on some parts of campus.

CIS initially responded by investigating the multiple wireless systems on campus, as well as using test cases to shed light on the potential roots of the issue. “Given the complexity of wireless networking, we didn’t identify just one measure to combat

the issues people were experiencing,” said Garcia. One of the first tests CIS ran was a power level adjustment at the wireless access points—or, as Garcia put it,“those white things with the blue lights.” CIS also purchased nodes, devices that pretend to be many different types of computers and are used to collect data on the efficiency and quality of the wireless connection.

Furthermore, CIS tuned up the systems that allow people to use wireless connection, upgraded wireless controllers, worked with manufacturers such as Apple and Cisco to pinpoint changes that would allow all devices to be compatible with the wireless connection, and replaced the older access points with new ones.

These changes come in addition to CIS’ multi-year plan, created over the course of 2019, which strives to ensure that “tech-

MISCELLANY NEWS | VASSAR COLLEGE

nology will always be an enhancement to the college and never a barrier” (CIS MultiYear Plan, “Mission, Visions & Goals”).

Additionally, CIS introduced “Tech Tuesday,” a program during which staff can engage with students and directly hear their concerns. “In this case, it also helped us collect Wi-Fi data from students that may not have contacted the service desk. We also offer on-site troubleshooting, share information about our services and share tips about how to get faster help through our service portal,” said Garcia.

In addition, a follow-up to a survey conducted on Oct. 31 will be sent out to students to ask if campus Wi-Fi has improved.

Though the occasional spotty Wi-Fi may remain one of Vassar’s constant cultural quirks, the service desk has already seen a drop in Wi-Fi complaints.

January 30, 2020

ARTS

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Ujima poets consider personal, political in spoken word Meghan Hayfield Guest Reporter

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he Miscellany News version of the NPR Tiny Desk series does not take place behind a desk. It has found a home in makeshift spaces on campus; past locations have included TA 52, where student bands Milk and Pander have played, and, most recently, the Rose Parlor. Adorned with velvet curtains and the glow of neon lights, the latter spot welcomed poets from Ujima—an art organization for students of color—who recited spoken word poems on the afternoon of Friday, Jan. 24.

The Rose Parlor was scattered with cameras, microphones and expectant students.

While the phrase “Vassar arts scene” has become ubiquitous as of late, the latest installation of the Tiny Desk facilitates an artistic revival on campus, an atmosphere of collaboration between student groups. Four Ujima members read out their work, and a handful of students were working the cameras, sound and lighting. The scene flooded with artistic collaboration.

Ujima President Lena Stevens ’21 moderated the event and shared two poems of her own. In “Notes of a Black Modern,” words tumbled out of her mouth like the notes of a song, seeming both improvised and prac-

ticed: “i walk tall drink slow/out of short glasses and go home alone/i jazz june to sad tunes/kiss the rhythm and bleed the blues.”.

Staunch, steadfast and resolute, the narrator radiated confidence. As Stevens read, royal blue lights rained down on her, and even the lift of her chin, was highly calculated. Her poem was not only verbal art, but also performative. “When I’m delivering spoken word, I have the opportunity to occupy a persona other than myself,” Stevens said.

Poet Sara Inoa ’20 climbed into a character too, their voice transporting readthrough a sharp but messy reflection on birth. When introducing their first poem, “Inhale me Inside you,” they clarified, “it’s about placentas.” The poem occupied them physically, their voice curling around their words, calling to mind the noises of birth: moaning, outcries. “My eyes still sparkled as she wiggled on my naked chest,” Inoa read. Their words were imbued with a deep appreciation for bodies, and let those bare images be bloody and beautiful. Their theatrical voice captivated listeners, and Inoa said they use the same enthusiasm when reading bedtime stories to their daughter.

“I associate [writing] with the birth of my child, with an explosion of wanting

Khadeejah Abdul-Basser performs a poem in the Rose Parlor. Sherry Liao/The Miscellany News.

to be more honest, to put my honest body and self forward,” the performer mused.

“When I got pregnant that was my whole identity—it was the first interesting thing that had happened to me. I’m 19. I’m deciding to be a mom; that’s a whole story on its own. For a couple of years, that was who I was: 19-year-old mom, read it and weep, or be excited about it.”

When Khadeejah Abdul-Basser ’22 approached the microphone, she chose orange to flood the stage. It was her first time performing poetry. She asked in the first line, “What does happiness mean to you?”

Abdul-Basser spoke of growing, of coming into oneself, evoking color and life: “Is it faith in the future, making peace with the past,/Acknowledging that you are on the cusp/Of reaching your potential, your goals, at long last?”

Hannah Hildebolt ’21 spoke of love. As she took the mic, she admitted she would share “two very gay love poems,” and inside her words lingered the longing for and excitement of crushes. “Some people get butterflies. I get universes,” she read in “Close Your Eyes,” which traced a connection between love and the beginning of the universe—“What a mess of the dark and the divine!”

The final poem read was “Black Ink,” by Stevens, the host herself. The piece tackled the painful truth of police brutality.

“Boohoo blue you, your tears seep through sheets of white/Leaving your black ink to bleed all through the night,” she read.

Stevens did not see a dichotomy between her two poems. Oppressive forces like police brutality go hand-in-hand with recognizing the everyday joys of being a person of color, she explained.

She also discussed the fruits of her poetry: “Being able to write a poem like ‘Notes of the Black Modern’ and internally reflect on how I’m feeling about myself gives me a more personal look, but having a poem like ‘Black Ink’ allows me to situate myself in a greater community, gaining a better picture of who I am and who I want to be.”

Each poet recognized the duality between

Stevens’ musical and joyful opener, “Notes of a Black Modern,” and the bleak “Black Ink.” Inoa said that their longform writing, which faces “[their] guts and gross things,” is heavy, so they turn to poetry and songwriting to explore the lighter side of living.

In this piece she proclaimed, “and i do it all choreographed to the sweet melodies of ma rainey.” Stevens references Gertrude “Ma” Rainey, a blues artist who was arrested in 1925 for her pride and outspokenness. This reference underscores the joy expressed through the event; each poet was unapologetic in their tales of motherhood, personhood and romantic tribulations.

“As a songwriter and poet, that’s a realm where I can write a song about having a cup of tea with a friend or these moments that do bring happiness,” Inoa affirmed.

For Abdul-Basser, writing was also a way to face components of her identity, particularly as the only Black girl in her high school class. “I always felt growing up that I lacked a sense of community outside of my family, and once I started to get more comfortable with sharing my poetry, I felt like Vassar and Ujima would be the perfect place for me to be vulnerable with people in a way that I hadn’t gotten to in the past,” she revealed.

After the poets finished, there was a shuffle to put away lights, dismount cameras and throw out empty cups of tea. The poets sat on a couch alongside one another, humming with the adrenaline of sharing something special, personal and vulnerable.

“The second that I actually started reading I was nervous, but once I stepped into the poem I was like, okay, I know what’s up,” Hildebolt said. “I know how this piece moves, I know what it sounds like, I know where I’m going.”

Stevens seconded this sentiment.

“I was definitely a little nervous too, but now I’m just warm,” Inoa said, smiling.

Stevens and Hildebolt, nodded their heads in a rhythm of understanding. They had laid out their words in front of the camera, and now they wait for the rest of the world to listen.

In ‘Fine Line,’ Styles strives to find voice among rock legends Delila Ames

M

Reporter

ixing and matching inspirations from rock legends like David Bowie, Paul McCartney and Queen, Harry Styles hones a unique and varied sound in his most recent album, “Fine Line,” released in December 2019. Although Pitchfork searingly criticized Styles for posturing as the next David Bowie, I believe he is simply discovering what it means to be a rock ‘n’ roll-inspired pop singer in the 21st century. While Styles has long been known as the it-boy and fan favorite, he emerges as the most ambitious member of his former band, One Direction.

Ex-bandmates Niall Horan and Zayn Malik have come out with popular singles in the last several years, but Styles has demonstrated stamina and talent since the group disbanded—first in his self-titled album released in 2017 and now with “Fine Line.” While condemned for coming off as imitative rather than original, I am convinced he has woven a personal style and charm into his most recent project. You have to commend him for resisting trend-chasing and remaining true to his personal muses and motivations.

Here’s the rundown: The sound is good, the songwriting is mediocre and the vocals are decent. Styles has mastered spin-

ning sadness into melody but has yet to conquer the lyrical world. Most of the songs are, if not perfect bullseyes, at least on target—except for “Treat People With Kindness,” which just misses the mark completely. The song relies on a campy, choir-filled background. The stale lyrics in the chorus do little to redeem it: “Maybe, we can/Find a place to feel good/And we can treat people with kindness/Find a place to feel good.”

The result of Styles experimenting with influences from classic rock and indie is an extremely listenable album without too much depth. It’s whimsical, funky and a little all over the place. Some tracks are upbeat and colorful while others are soft and sensitive. “Fine Line,” the title track, is disappointing in its lyrical repetition but remains sweet and soulful. Simple guitar strums accompanied by echoing vocals set a gloomy tone that support the longing and emotion in Styles’s voice. It feels like Styles has not yet reached his maximum potential; he can certainly produce pleasant music but it’s not quite exceptional. He makes confessions, observations and inquiries, but none are original or blistering enough to support the album emotionally.

The artist commented that the album is all about “being sad and having sex”

(Rolling Stone, “The Eternal Sunshine of Harry Styles,” 08.26.2019). However, the album is more reflective of ambivalence than it is of heartbreak or lust. Lines like, “I still miss your accent and your friends,” and clips of French dialogue at the end of “Cherry” imply that much of the romantic inspiration for this album stems from his previous relationship with French model Camille Rowe. His reticent acceptance of their break up is reflected in his lyrics; they connote soul-searching and gentle expressions of yearning more than tales of suffering.

The singles “Lights Up,” “Adore You” and “Watermelon Sugar” are all poppy and tuneful; Styles saves his more soulful tracks for the rest of the album. “Falling” is a beautiful, aching ballad with simple but powerful lines that carry the chorus: “What if I’m down? What if I’m out? What if I’m someone you won’t talk about?” Styles belts these lines with passion and burning self-doubt. These questions are accompanied by acute melancholy sentiments like, “The coffee’s out/ At the Beachwood cafe/And it kills me cause I know we’ve run out of things we can say.” This is one of the few tracks that offers a real taste of Styles’s actual vocal range and achieves a rawness the rest of the album is reaching for.

MISCELLANY NEWS | VASSAR COLLEGE

While his musical style is reminiscent of classic rock legends like David Bowie and Mick Jagger, particularly in the sliding guitar and swirling vocals featured on many tracks, Styles evokes other inspirations in “Fine Line.” The background vocals of the opener, “Golden,” call to mind the mellow soft-rock of Crosby, Stills & Nash, while “Canyon Moon” and “Sunflower Vol. 6,” lighthearted and nostalgic, could be straight off Vampire Weekend’s most recent album. Styles also cites The Beatles, Fleetwood Mac and Pink Floyd as impactful influences.

While I never had a One Direction phase during my preteen years (maybe it was my 13-year-old self attempting rebellion), Harry Styles has definitely gained a fan, albeit an older one, after his second studio album. He successfully departed from his past of cheesy pop with this record, although his fan base hasn’t changed much.

They’re actually very much the same, just a few years older than they were when One Direction ruled the pop world. And then, of course, there’s me.

The charisma and velvety vocals that sent preteens reeling in 2014 are now inspiring 19-year-olds to listen avidly.

As Styles develops his lyrical chops, I’m ready for the next album to knock me off my feet.

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Viewing One: Dec. 21, 2019 Pleasant Hill Century 16 Theater, Pleasant Hill, CA In Attendance: me (high), my best friend Fiona Warburton (sober) So...are we not going to talk about the mice children?

Andrew Lloyd Webber said FATPHOBIA and then Tom Hooper said FATPHOBIA!!!!!!!

There’s a crotch shot joke in Cats.

Oh god everyone was right, it IS unbelievably horny.

Ok, Cats (2019) was actually a brilliant idea: cast a couple broadway unknown names to play the recurring characters, collect as many novelty celebs for each of their one-song cameos. You have enough talent to avoid a Russell Crowe as Javert situation, and enough star power to get the hype going.

“The two black breakdancing cats are the only ones with sneakers.”

Tom Hooper lives for close ups of noses dripping with snot.

“It’s a cat! a cat a cat!” — A toddler, looking at the screen “Yeah. It’s a cat.” — Their father, hurriedly rushing his toddler out of the theater GUS THE THEATRE CAT GUS THE THEATRE CAT GUS THE THEATRE CAT GUS THE THEATRE CAT Taylor Swift’s fake British accent is...appalling.

Taylor Swift is at her least sexy when she’s trying so hard to be sexy, so this was just a TERRIBLE role for her.

Macavity is literally naked his fur is so so shiny and short I cannot believe this.

They had to cast Jason Derulo because he already sings his name in such an iconic way.

The only Asian cat in the film is orange w/ black stripes….

“At least they didn’t make her a Siamese cat.” — Fiona No one is more surprised than me to say, this movie did not feel like two hours; the time really flew. *clicking our nails on the ground and meowing as we leave the theater* Every song is in my head...but also I can’t think of how a single one’s melody goes.

Viewing Two: Dec. 26, 2019 Grand Lake Theatre, Oakland, CA In Attendance: me (sober), Jacob Liss (high) Is it bad that I’m about to see Cats (2019) again without having seen

Little Women (2019) yet?

Grizabella...there was no need to crawl….

When will the Cats movie cast album be released??? Asking for a friend.

Ok, if you’re not stoned, this does feel like 2 hours. Almost like 3 even.

Viewing Three: Jan. 21, 2019 Shattuck Landmark Cinema, Berkeley, CA (4:20 showing) In Attendance: me (high), Sam Peterson (high), Annabel Renshaw (high) Jason Derulo’s best moment is when he says “No more milk,” waits a beat, then screams “MILK!!” I can’t believe this movie was made.

Is Victoria named for Queen Victoria? Is there a political stance in Cats, or am I reaching?

T.S. Eliot, was the name Macavity created just to rhyme it with gravity? Be honest.

This is the only moment in the entire movie where I sense ZERO sexual tension between two characters.

They really f*cked Taylor Swift over. It’s a terrible song for her. She can’t dance. She can’t be sexy. She can’t act. She CANNOT do a British accent. With this casting and direction, it was hardly her fault.

She had no option but to fail.

The way Skimbles tap dances up to his opponent <3 <3 <3 Advice for actors: If you ever find yourself stepping into a fatsuit for a role, DON’T. I feel like a bad feminist for saying this, but the Jellicle Choice should have been Gus. Viewing Four: Jan. 18, 2020 Shattuck Landmark Cinema, Berkeley, CA (4:20 showing again) In Attendance: me (high), Danny (high) Who decided they should move their shoulders like that?

The fourth time you watch Cats (2019) is when you start to like it unironically.

Never thought I’d be able to watch Cats and find that an actor’s talent for acting actually comes through in spite of the material, but here I am thinking it about Ian McKellen.

Literally what is the scale of this movie. How large are these cats?

Possibly the worst line of the entire film:

January 30, 2020

Judi Dench: I judge a cat based on its soul.

Taylor Swift: He’s gawt sowl!

I love when all the cats use their powers to fight off Growltiger: Rebel unzips her skin. Corden spits out a wad of something. Skimbleshanks tap dances aggressively. Ian McKellen acts.

I can’t believe they tried to convince us that Cats the Musical is not the whitest concept in the world. They really tried to incorporate as many black actors and hip-hop influences as possible.

Here are my long-awaited thoughts on Jennifer Hudson’s performance: Her first delivery of the iconic song “Memory” leaves much to be desired, as she sings it in a grief-stricken, beaten-down voice. Also, the scene is identical to the “I Dreamed a Dream” scene in Les Miserables (2012), another Tom Hooper classic.

The second time she sings “Memory” (yes, Andrew Lloyd Webber reuses a song in its entirety as a first act finale and a second act eleven-o’clock number), there are good moments. There are exactly eight bars where Hudson delivers, singing in her full voice. However, in my opinion, a lot of the lyrics of “Memory” could easily be spun positively. There’s no reason for be Hudson to deliver it tragically and tear-stricken TWICE. The second time could have been one last grand show of strength as she remembers her beautiful old days with fondness, longing and poignancy. Shouldn’t the song that wins her the Jellicle Choice display her best self, her true soul, which remains beautiful beneath the tragic appearance?

I just know she was capable of so much more.

Here’s the universe in which Cats, as a concept, works for me: It’s the 100 year anniversary of T.S. Eliot’s birth (‘88)! There is a special centennial release of a lot of T.S. Eliot’s collections of poetry, including Old Possum’s Book of Practical Cats. This special edition of the cat poem collection is accompanied by a CD of original Andrew Lloyd Webber compositions, each one based on a different cat poem! Then, perhaps, it gains a niche following and a dance troupe choreographs dances to some of the songs. That works for me. No story necessary. No Tom Hooper claiming that his movie is about “the perils of tribalism” (Business Insider, “The director of ‘Cats’ says the movie has a political message about the ‘perils of tribalism,” 12.22.2019). No Andrew Lloyd Webber becoming emboldened enough to write Starlight Express. How I wish we lived in this alternate universe.

Conclusion: Don’t see this movie sober. Don’t see this movie expecting cinematic greatness. Do see this movie and expect to have a great time.

ViCE weekly hosts chill beats, heartfelt lyrics Continued from Ivy Sole on page 1

and reverberating, layered sound effects.

The new album, which she will release on Feb. 7, was a milestone for Gaea, who said of the project, “I tried to step out of my comfort zone and collaborate a lot more.”

She diversified the sonic landscape of her album by collaborating with hip-hop/R&B artist and Vassar alum, KunD!, as well as a saxophonist. “I have learned over these two EPs how much of a journey releasing music can be and how much learning is a part of that.”

Marc Indigo brought to the stage a mixture of laid-back and energetic songs, and audiences bore witness to his creativity, characterized by subtle juxtapositions between the modality of his lyrics and his music composition. His song about exhaustion featured upbeat rhythms, for example; a track titled “home” inserted the

lyrics “I feel so trapped inside this place.”

In line with this duality, Marc Indigo’s albums embrace both the personal and the fictional. He shared, “Some of my songs are written from personal experiences, while some are stories or ideas that I came up with.” The stories in his songs might remind some listeners of their own experiences, while other narratives might flash by like a blurry movie scenes. Jack Oliver ’22, who reveled in the atmosphere of dim colorful lights and audiences smoothly swaying to the beats, “I really enjoyed the chill and laid back vibe … I’m always impressed by Vassar’s own student musicians!”

The final performance began not with a song but with a statement as the speakers blasted, “You are the MOTHERFUCKING SHIT, you are MARVELOUS!” This roaring introduction smoothly led into rap-

Pictured above is Ivy Sole, who headlined at Friday’s ViCE concert. Courtesy of Ivy Sole via Facebook.

per-singer Ivy Sole’s jazz chords in trap, and indie samples in boom bap. After grad-

[Ivy Sole] defined herself with a relaxed, personable persona, like visiting an old friend. uating from the University of Pennsylvania, Ivy Sole established her unique eclectic sound. Onstage donning a cozy sweater and sweatpants, Ivy Sole had clearly grown comfortable in her performance style; she defined herself with a relaxed, personable persona, like visiting an old friend. She lead the audience to huddle around closer and invited them to dance freely with their arms high and smiles wide. Although the audience was not personally acquainted with Ivy Sole yet, the performance quickly escalated into something like a dorm party. From mellow chill-pop to jazz-trap fusions, the Aula performers bonded viewers with a welcoming, free-spirited atmosphere and, of course, heart-to-heart songwriting. Ilia Mahns ’23 commented after the show, “I thought it was euphoric with the visuals and chill music. I really

MISCELLANYNEWS NEWS||VASSAR VASSARCOLLEGE COLLEGE MISCELLANY

like how Vassar brings together talented artists and gives them a platform to express their artistic skills.”

The homey props that surrounded the singers, equal parts stage decoration and furniture, transformed the Aula into a cozy and familiar space, inviting concert-goers to come closer. Artists comfortably expressed themselves through their intimate lyrics and original melodic content. Rather than just a discographic showcase, the show was a bonding experience for artist and audience, enjoying music, personal stories and companionship on a Friday night.

Marc Indigo performs some of his originals.

Courtesy of Grace Rousell.

January 30, 2020

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What’s the most annoy ing thing professors do?

“Saying just ‘Emma,’ as opposed to Emma-Grace after I’ve signed every email as Emma-Grace.”

— Emma-Grace Ottolino ’21

Father Koi I’m a big-haired disco kid, when you gonna ask me to dance with me? “Halloween Dancer” was written last fall in my dorm room on a Friday night. What started out a simple riff turned into all the words I couldn’t simply speak to describe a certain situation, backed by modulatatory chords, backup harmonies and just-vague-enough lyrics. Give it a listen and see what you think! Special thanks to Jack Rogers and Chauncey Lo for helping me record this track. You can find my music on Spotify, Apple Music or any other streaming platform.

Banner design by Juliette Pope/The Miscellany News

“When they only lecture with no discussion.”

— Shreya Suresh ’21

“Assign homework.”

— Devon Arcenaux ’22

‘Knives Out’ doesn’t disappoint, doesn’t please Massimo Tarridas

“K

Guest Columnist

nives Out” (2019) is not a film that deserves a whole lot of conversation, but a conversation about why it shouldn’t be receiving so much conversation might be in order. With an original script, a reputable director, an expensive and experienced cast, a solid production— it’s entertaining. It fiercely adheres to the tropes of a whodunnit, and plays with our expectations self-referentially. Otherwise it wouldn’t be fun. Daniel Craig takes on an unusually comedic role and the plot is properly convoluted, as any good murder mystery should be. Those who complain about the lack of mid-tier mainstream films should be quelled by this release, but it ends up feeling a bit hollow. The film checks off plenty of boxes throughout its runtime yet never really manages to satisfy any one specific movie-going desire: spectacle, horror, grit, drama…Rian Johnson’s “Knives Out” is fun while it lasts, but ultimately is just okay.

The mediocre evaluation that I have offered so far that so far to describe the film might suggest that I didn’t enjoy the film. I did enjoy it, for a while. It’s only that, as time passes and I ask myself exactly why I liked it, I eventually come up with fewer and fewer reasons. At times its self-awareness is too sharp, the irony of their situation is too on the nose and some of the performances are occasionally overacted. This is especially interesting because I don’t consider myself to have very demanding taste—I actually liked the new “Star Wars”—and “Knives Out” has consistently ranked surprisingly high on online rating systems such as IMDb (8/10) and Metacritic (82).

As a point of comparison, “Star Wars:

The Rise of Skywalker” fulfills the need for spectacle instead of hinting at it, and its breakneck pace can be chalked up to the fact that it is an action film. (Not to mention that J.J. Abrams had to unfortunately resolve the disaster that Rian Johnson had previously made in “The Last Jedi”). “Knives Out” often moves just as quickly as “Rise of Skywalker,” but such pacing is less suited to the mystery genre, which does not really benefit from speeding toward the end. Just when things should be slowing down, the plot gets faster.

“I fear that this review might have become not a review of the film itself, but of the fact that everyone loves it.”

witty writing and crisp, darkly-lit cinematography. Themes of immigration and class servitude are welcome conversations to the film, although I understand anyone who says that they are a little forced. And regardless of the slight overacting, the vast majority of what carries this film until the end is an A-list collection of actors: Ana de Armas, Michael Shannon, Jamie Lee Curtis.

Caveat: speculation is easy. And I fear that this review might have become not a review of the film itself, but of the fact that everyone loves it, or how the film performs with regards to its contemporaries, which is never a truly honest critique. Just watch this on a Saturday night with your family, a night where you all agree that you don’t want to watch something stupid, but also don’t want to watch something that would be out of place on the small screen, where nothing terrible is missed should someone fall asleep. It simply might be a case of an appropriate malapropism: the sum of these parts is greater than the whole.

The tension of eking out the culprit benefits from evolving as a careful consideration of facts, thus giving the individual scenes, as well as the audience, time to breathe.

The plot of “Knives Out” might actually be too complicated for its two-hour runtime, although it could have cut corners in the beginning so that later on, when twist after twist after twist piles on, the editing can keep a more comprehensible rhythm.

Some praiseworthy elements are the

MISCELLANY NEWS | VASSAR COLLEGE

“When they speak German.”

— Chris Bock ’23 (German studies major )

“When they say you need to buy only one textbook, but it’s a text they published and its $200.”

— Kayla Walthall ’23 “They always try to prove they are the smartest person in the room.”

— Assistant Professor of Music Justin Patch Francisco Andrade, Humor & Satire Editor Yvette Hu, Photo Editor Banner design by Frankie Knuckles/The Miscellany News

FEATURES

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January 30, 2020

The comforts of home....

Smorgasbord of hometown delicacies nourishes nostalgia Tamika Whitenack Guest Columnist

A

fter loading my suitcases into the trunk, I am ready for the next order of business: eating fruit.

As I settle into the back seat for the ride home from the Oakland, CA airport, my mother passes me a plastic bag filled with bright orange satsuma mandarins. I remove the peel in a long spiral and greedily consume the tender segments inside, devouring the bag of fruit as if I were a child with a newly acquired bag of Halloween candy.

Satsuma mandarins are tastier than a typical tangerine or Cutie. They are sweeter, plumper and refreshingly juicy—better yet, my mother always takes great care to choose the best ones at our local natural grocery store. Fresh California fruits are the first of many “welcome home” foods for me, an appetizer to whet my palate for the feast of scrumptious victuals I can expect to enjoy over the course of the next few weeks at home.

Winter break is a time to relax, sleep and temporarily forget about Vassar life, but it is also a time to diversify our diets.

As students on full meal plans, our food choices can be limited by the options offered, and time away from Vassar invites us to explore different flavors. Returning home for the holidays means time to prepare home-cooked meals and indulge in easy access to different ingredients and partake in special seasonal fare.

In my household, the winter holidays usher in a whirlwind of baking as we prepare sweet treats to gift and share at Christmas and New Year’s gatherings.

Faithfully following our old handwritten recipe cards, we produce piles of little cookies: shiny walnut-studded shortbread squares, classic oatmeal chocolate chip and tiny Russian tea cakes smothered in confectioner’s sugar, resembling powdery white snowballs. My personal contribution to the sugar frenzy is homemade peppermint bark, crafted with my ideal ratio: a thick layer of dark chocolate coated with a light spread of white chocolate and topped with a sprinkling of crushed peppermint shards.

Courtesy of Tamika Whitenack.

Memories from this past Thanksgiving materialize in the form of frozen leftovers specially saved for me to enjoy upon my arrival home. One of our Thanksgiving traditions is homemade Chinese sticky rice, and in recent years my uncle has been experimenting with vegetarian versions for those of us who are less inclined to carnivory. The chewy texture and umami flavors of sticky rice are a gustatory delight, and I am pleased to partake in a tardy taste of Thanksgiving. The preservation of this personal favorite is not only a comfort to my stomach; it also warms my heart to know my family is thinking of my appetite even when I’m not physically present to celebrate with them.

Eating Asian cuisine is always one of the

highlights of my culinary adventures at home, and winter vacation calls forth one particularly notable Asian meal: my Japanese grandma’s lovingly prepared New Year’s Day feast. I am happy to assist her in cooking some of my favorite dishes: an assortment of vegetables cooked in a broth mixture made from dashi (bonito fish stock), soy sauce, mirin and sugar.

Beyond family favorites, dining at home also affords me access to some regional food. I devour salads every dinner, which feature vibrant avocado slices, tender lettuce from our Community Supported Agriculture (CSA) box, and a bright dressing concocted from fresh squeezed lemon juice and our favorite California olive oil.

I also adore artisan bread from our preferred local bakery, Acme Bread. I don’t eat much bread at Vassar, so it is a luxury to come home and eat cranberry walnut raisin toast or a whole wheat seed bread topped with a poached egg.

Courtesy of Tamika Whitenack.

While my own time at home hosts countless treasured food experiences, I was curious about how my meals compare to others.

In the spirit of hearty holiday home-cooking, Kathryn Burke ’20 shared her love of vegan shepherd’s pie. Earthy and comforting, this dish features creamy sweet potato on top of a rich lentil and vegetable filling. The dish is full of contrasts: crispy and smooth, savory and sweet, healthy and hearty. Burke and her sister now make this dietary-restriction-friendly shepherd’s pie for every holiday, and have even converted other family members, who now sing its praises.

Sumiko Neary ’20 finds her flavors overseas, in the chain restaurants of Japan.

Although she grew up in New York City, Sumiko considers Japan one of her homes, and always anticipates eating gyu-don (牛丼) at Yoshinoya, a restaurant she frequents each time she visits. According to Neary, the mixture of rice and oily beef evokes a textural combination similar to that of cereal in milk, complemented by flavorful onions and broth. Neary fondly recalls the time she shared gyu-don with a friend from high school during a trip together last winter break—although initially uncertain, the friend was eventually satiated with the dish.

For many of us, winter break is a time

of relaxation and rejuvenation, and food can play an essential role in our recharging processes. Food nourishes us, and the flavors and memories we experience away from Vassar are often a welcome change.

Personally, much of my mental space is occupied with thoughts of my next snack, and the diversity and familiarity of foods available at home deliver welcome rewards to my high expectations. Beyond the satisfaction of a well-fed stomach, the foods of my winter break correspond with feelings of family, traditions, and geographical sense of home—a reminder of the importance of food to our connections with people, places and communities.

Courtesy of Sumiko Neary.

Instant Pot: Gateway to adulthood Lindsay Craig Columnist

I

magine a machine capable of producing yogurt, concocting butternut squash soup and cooking rump roast— all in a single day. Now picture one such wonder on your dorm desk or kitchen counter: an appliance developed to heat foods like an oven and sauté like a stovetop. Enter the Instant Pot: a culinary dream for the convenience-driven cook.

Instant Pots, invented by now-CEO of Instant Pot Robert Wang, debuted almost a decade ago in North America as multifunction pressure cookers. The new countertop device promised to prep food faster and with more precision than an oven or slow cooker. These wonders have stormed the kitchen appliance market and are now among the best-selling cookers on Amazon, and even broke Prime Day records in 2018 (CNBC, “How Instant Pot became a kitchen appliance with a cult following and a best-seller on Amazon,” 11.26.2018).

Unlike their close cousin, the stovetop pressure cooker, Instant Pots are electric and shut off on their own. Their superior safety benefits anyone who wants to run to Central Receiving but still come home to something hot and healthy. The Instant Pot takes 90 minutes to cook four pounds of beef; a slow cooker might take five to six hours. The Instant Pot is the electric tea kettle of cookers.

But the Instant Pot isn’t just for your gadget-frenzied parent or even your trendy foodie friend. They hold universal appeal for health-conscious, fast-and-casual dining enthusiasts.

I was gifted an Instant Pot for Christmas and have been dabbling in sweet and savory dishes since. The most daunting part of the process was getting up the courage to read the whole instruction manual which outlined safety features and cleaning di-

rections. My Instant Pot sat on the counter unused for two weeks—an intimidating and dangerous apparatus. Warnings along the lines of “don’t put your finger near the valve or it might burn off” and by the sheer sight of 18 buttons stifled me.

Eventually, I pressed one. From then on, earthy grains, brothy beef or boiled beet aromas wafted through the kitchen. I’m no pro—I’ve only had it for a month—so there were failures sprinkled throughout.

I put way too much water with sweet potatoes once and they turned to watery mush.

I forgot to add active cultures to yogurt, so it was milk, not yogurt, eight hours later.

Nevertheless, I’m impressed that a whole gamut of my recipes from creamy yogurt to al dente quinoa have turned out delectable. Thanks to the advice of a few quality blogs, my aunt’s tips and tricks and my mom’s close reading of the pot’s various safety warnings, my Instant Pot research has been (mostly) fruitful. Here are some of my soon-to-be staples.

As an avid yogurt eater, my Instant Pot version has easily replaced the sugary, store-bought yogurt and saved money. Using the cold-start method—a yogurt-making style my aunt recommended—with only two tablespoons of plain yogurt and a half gallon of ultra-pasteurized whole milk, simply combine them and incubate for eight hours on the “yogurt” button function (yes, yogurt has its own setting!).

I left the ingredients in my pot overnight, a monochrome glow in the corner of my kitchen, and found it delicious the next morning: organic, homemade yogurt for the price of a half gallon of milk.

Next, the elusive perfect hard-boiled egg. Forget dealing with sticky peels.

Making eight Instant Pot eggs at a time turned out better than stove-top ones you have to hover over. Grains like quinoa,

MISCELLANY NEWS | VASSAR COLLEGE

rice and wheat berries cooked evenly and completely. They cooked slower than my online recipe promised, though. The lid pressurizes to the pot, so I tried to avoid removing it during the process.

After a few cooking ventures, I found myself wondering: Is this the perfect pot?

Certainly not. The Instant Pot doesn’t quite have the tender hand of a stovetop when it comes to more delicate foods. Vegetables tend to lack the crispness you can achieve by placing them in the oven. Sweet potatoes turn to mush and brussels sprouts and broccoli turned out similarly soft. Also, there is one oft-omitted caveat: The pressure takes five or more minutes to build before the timer starts to cook your food.

It also takes a few minutes for the pressure to release from the valve at the end. That “five minute” recipe for hard-boiled eggs takes more like 15.

The Instant Pot has been a confidence builder as much as a beet boiler: It’s gingerly weaning me off the college dining experience and challenging me to move beyond pasta and instant oatmeal. Having it as a constant presence in the kitchen has been an excellent education in the culinary arts.

It also reassures me that I can be a (semi) sufficient adult.

I’ve ventured to the next level in cooking I will take with me post-grad: spicy stews and time-sensitive meats I always avoided making on the stove. As I approach graduation in May, I hope to settle into some repeatable recipes to replicate in my own apartment someday, but for now I’ll just focus on feeding some hungry college kids.

Tonight I’m having a few friends over, and we’re making chicken and cabbage. We only have frozen meat, but do not fear: it takes only 15 minutes to cook—plenty of time later for board games and a few Netflix episodes.

January 30, 2020

FEATURES

Page 9

...learning while away

Study abroad catch-22: photogenic adventures versus self care Gillian Redstone

Assistant Features Editor

I

have been looking forward to studying abroad in Italy since I learned that the very concept existed and that did not change once I arrived at Vassar. After traveling to the country with my family and nearly breaking my 12-year-old neck gawking at ceiling frescos, I knew I needed to spend more time with the big guys Michelangelo and Leonardo. Beyond the obvious appeal of a land of pasta, taking a break from Vassar seemed the perfect opportunity to hit pause on the everyday stressors of internship applications and major requirements. Now I would have time to immerse myself in a language and culture different from my own—one where I could walk among history and learn about my passion for art Italian art in its native language.

I had an idea about what JYA is “supposed” to be, whether at Vassar or another university. From what I witnessed via Instagram, abroad was this pseudonymous, never-ending parade of different countries every weekend, full of photo-ops and wine tours, synonymous with “best semester of my life” and “it changed me,” among other like phrases.

But amid my share of gallivanting and punny captions were hardships I did not expect, and they came at me like a Euro-

pean high speed rail line. After seeing tags full of expectations about how my JYA should look, I couldn’t help but try to integrate them. I traveled and ate to my heart’s content, but I was not prepared for the emotional strain of spreading myself so thin across a never-ending agenda.

Of course, even having the opportunity to experience travel burnout and Instagram expectation only comes with the privilege of studying abroad. But the fact remains: Travel is draining. Inexpensive flights and train tickets are consistently tempting, and sneakily nudge you into agreeing to another trip. Living out of a suitcase and existing on a loop of taxi to airport to hostel begins to take a toll on you. On top of all that, your eventual home base, the place for your post-travel rest, is unfamiliar and an ocean away from home. The new sights and sounds are stimulating, but also challenging. Part of my mind was always on high alert so I could understand the happenings around me; the rest was an afterthought. The different customs were both a breath of fresh air (late dinners and slow walking) and a slap across the face (the deeply ingrained sexism). That’s not even to mention living with people who do not speak your native language, and missing your family home and Vassar friends at the same time. Oh, right, and four classes in Italian.

Gillian Redstone/The Miscellany News.

Every week was a catch-22: Should I go on this sunshine-filled jaunt to Barcelona with my new friends, or should I take the time I need to rest and take care of my mind and body? The ever-present and pervasive mindset of “I’m only here for so long!” ate away at me as I pushed myself beyond my social limits to obtain the so-called perfect abroad experience. Rimini this weekend?

Let’s go! Meet up across the city to see the Christmas tree lighting that would only happen once? I couldn’t say no.

As time went on, I grew more and more exhausted. I missed home. I had midterms. I deeply enjoyed my daily morning espresso, but just wanted a breakfast sandwich, for God’s sake! Finally, a seemingly obvious breakthrough came to me: just

because abroad was a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity, I didn’t mean have to move around every moment of every day.

So yeah, that’s all to say that I rewatched all of “Glee” while I was in Italy. Even Season Six. Because JYA would not be worth the stress, anxiety and occasional sadness if I did not take the time to take care of myself. JYA isn’t meant to be a competition of who can visit the most countries in four months. It’s what you make of it; it’s how you let your new environment shape your experiences and maybe even shape you.

I personally returned with an aggressively Italian tattoo, a newfound understanding of my own work-play-relax balance and, naturally, too many memories to count. Say parmigiano!

As Chilean protests evolve, JYA turns from courses to classes Continued from Chile on page 1

tiful cities I have ever seen.

My semester was fairly standard until three months in when the protests erupted. On Oct. 6, President Sebastián Piñera’s government raised the Santiago metro fare by about five cents, prompting students to evade fares and jump turnstiles in protests hashtagged “EvasiónMasiva,” or “MassiveEvasion.” Things degenerated into violence: rioting, looting, vandalism and metro station arson. The disorder continued and spread to Valparaíso and beyond.

At the time, I was on a program-led trip to the Mapuche region, a remote area with limited access to cell service and Wi-Fi. With only bits and pieces of information, we didn’t know if we could get back to Valparaíso because the Santiago airport was practically shut down.

After the explosion, President Piñera immediately reduced the fare and claimed that he had listened “with humility to the voice of the people” (Twitter, @[sebastianpinera], 10.19.2019), but the protests continued. He declared a state of emergency, giving him the power to deploy the military to the streets and instate a curfew. Neither had transpired—except during natural disasters—since 1990, when the dictatorship ended.

Chile has been considered one of the richest and most politically stable countries of Latin America, so the sudden scenes of unrest were shocking. The Chilean economy has grown rapidly but unequally; according to World Bank Data, the richest one percent holds 33 percent of the country’s wealth (ForeignPolicy, “From Model to Muddle: Chile’s Sad Slide into Upheaval,” 11.23.2019).

Piñera himself is worth US$2.8 billion (Forbes, “#804 Sebastian Piñera & family,” 01.28.2020).

Just 36 hours after the disturbances started, Piñera said, “We are at war with a

powerful, relentless enemy,” a quote that represents his criminalization of the entire movement (BBC, “Protestas in Chile, ‘Estamos en guerra,’” 10.22.2019). This led to the slogan “No estamos en guerra,” or “We are not at war.” The movement grew from a call for reform to a repudiation of Piñera’s militaristic response. “Renuncia Piñera,” or “Piñera Resign,” joined the rallying cries of demonstrators.

I had never lived in a militarized environment. Some days consisted of early 6 p.m. curfews and gunshots (presumably rubber bullets, or more accurately lead bullets with a rubber coating). Most days, I walked through tear gas, which the military has used excessively, brutally and unnecessarily on legal, completely peaceful marches.

Once I witnessed a march where not 10 minutes after it started, military tanks appeared, throwing tear gas bombs into the crowd. As people scattered, tears streamed from their eyes and down their hands covering their mouths. Air-filtering scarves or bandanas became quotidian. Even if you avoid the marches, the tear gas lingers in the air overnight.

For many Chileans, the presence of the military presence in the streets reintroduced the memories and trauma of the Pinochet dictatorship of 1973-1990, during which thousands of people were killed and tens of thousands more were detained, tortured or disappeared. In the words of my host mother, who was 13 during the coup that ousted Allende and installed Pinochet, “They took away our liberty and instilled fear and repression.”

The protest practice of cacerolazo, the banging together of pots and pans, also dates back to the days of Pinochet. During the curfew years of the dictatorship, most wouldn’t dare risk their lives protesting openly—especially at night, when they could be gunned down stepping outside. So

they protested from their homes, banging on anything that made noise. Cacerolazo was again adopted in October—some nights I could go out onto my balcony and hear, quite literally, the entire neighborhood making noise.

Chile has not forgotten Pinochet. In a country where a military government perpetrated violence for so many years in the name of restoring order, using the armed forces to “restore order” again was a somewhat extraordinary step. Many were afraid that the methods of intimidation, coercion and terror would return, not without reason.

Since October, there have been multiple allegations of human rights violations at the hands of the military and police: accusations of torture, sexual abuse, intentional injury and murder among them. The military and police have been aiming at the eyes of demonstrators in attempts to blind them, and over 200 people have suffered eye injuries. This calculated blinding has become such a distinct facet of this movement that there are hundreds of images circulating depicting people with bloody eye sockets and several new murals (The Guardian, “Chile security forces,” 11.25.2019). It has even produced a new slogan, “Ahora vemos más,” or “Now we see more.”

This violence has captured the world’s attention. A U.N. report led by former President of Chile Michelle Bachelet was released on Friday, Dec. 13 and accused Chilean security forces, who have used an extreme level of force against the protesters resulting in at least 27 deaths, over 2,300 injuries and 7,000 people detained, of serious human rights violations (The Guardian, “Chile security forces’ leaves toll of death and broken bodies,” 11.25.2019). This was not news to Chileans, but provided official, written proof to the rest of the world.

My semester was bookended by social

MISCELLANY NEWS | VASSAR COLLEGE

protest. My classes started late because of a student strike at the university, and later all of my classes were cut short because of the eruption in October. But as my political science professor at Vassar put it, I was getting an invaluable education in politics and socioeconomics that went beyond class credits.

The experience has also made me reflect on the political processes in my own country—could this level of unity among the people ever occur here, and what would be the results? The results for Chile are still unclear, although they have begun taking steps towards writing a new constitution.

The current constitution has been in place since Pinochet, and it codifies many of the systems that have produced the great inequality in Chile, such as the privatization of water. A new one could start a significant process of change.

Since my return to the United States, countless people have asked me, “How was Chile?” As with any big experience, this question is impossible to answer in a sentence or two, and is made even more impossible when I want to tell everybody not only about my own experience but also the massive social uprising I witnessed. Many people are not aware of the events happening in Chile, and many more may not care.

But there is much to learn in simply paying attention. We live in such a global age—events happening in other countries will inevitably affect our own, if not us directly. There were recently inspirations from the Chilean protests in the subways of New York, when New Yorkers took to turnstile-jumping a few weeks ago in their own protests of class- and race-targeted policing in the subway. These events don’t simply take place in an isolated vacuum that will never touch us, a distant world away.

An extended version of this article can be found at miscellanynews.org.

HUMOR & SATIRE

Page 10

January 30, 2020

Momus, Goddess of satire, kindly gives us HOROSCOPES lowly mortals a glance into her perfection Madi Donat

Astral Projector

By Ivanna Guerra (Speaker for the Goddess)

ARIES | March 21 | April 19

Switch up your wardrobe. Try a new fabric or silhouette that you aren’t used to! You will no doubt receive many compliments. And if all else fails, well, Vassar is technically clothing-optional.

TAURUS | April 20 | May 20

First week back got you in a slump?

Set a nap schedule! For example, you could sleep in healthy, 24-hour chunks. A guaranteed mood booster!

GEMINI | May 21 | June 20 Relish in your steadfast social abilities as Mercury spends its last days in Aquarius. Just remember, and I mean this with all the love in my heart: It’s okay to shut up sometimes. Really.

CANCER | June 21 | July 22 New year, new you! It’s a good time to deepen friendships. Don’t your dog and counting it as social interaction. You are worrying your parents.

LEO | July 23 | August 22 If you’re feeling antsy, just remember

that you’re never truly trapped. Unless you are actually physically trapped somewhere, which would be bad and definitely has nothing to do with me.

VIRGO | August 23 | September 22 Astronomer Tycho Brahe died of a bladder infection because he was too polite to excuse himself from the table to pee.

It’s the same with emotions: They will make your bladder explode.

LIBRA | September 23 | October 22 Nobody should shame you for wanting alone time. Unless, of course, you are violently pushing people away. With a stick. That is sharp. And pointy.

And dipped in poison.

D

ear Momus,

How do I love myself?

Sincerely, Not-Hopelessly Devoted to Me Dear Not Devoted to You, I really hesitate to answer this question. I, as a goddess, don’t exactly share your terrestrial worries. I am perfect the way I am and see no reason why not to love myself, but I do have days when this is not so true. Don’t get me started on the day I visited my first Target. I went to go see the dollar items they have at the entrance, and when I was ready to check out, I saw myself in that godawful camera they have at the self-checkout. No one—not even someone as perfect as myself—can look good in those cameras. It’s like they are made to guilt you into participating in capitalism by showing you exactly how dark your under eyes can get. My point is, I get you. I want to help you not feel like the version of yourself that Target shows you.

The best way to start loving yourself is to remind yourself that you are a good human. Just strip down to your undies and start covering yourself in sticky notes covered with positive affirmations. The neater your handwriting, the better your body will absorb the self-love, so remember to take your time. My theory is that literally surrounding yourself with positivity will suddenly make you feel better. For

SCORPIO | October 23 | November 21 Find a new hobby this week, like coming up with excuses about how you “didn’t see their text” and “just forgot to respond” because you were “so tired.”

SAGITTARIUS

November 22 | December 21 Don’t be surprised if you feel angrier than usual. Punch a pillow! Mad at someone specific? Hire a hitman! But don’t forget that your nemesis is just a crush you’re mad about having.

s a V

best results, do this two to three times a week.

My second suggestion is to tell everyone you know that they are great, and eventually that positive energy will come right back to you. Simply scream at the top of your lungs, “You are beautiful and I love you!” at friends, family and unsuspecting passersby. Remember, you get the energy you put out there, so always put out good energy, even though it might make people uncomfortable for a second.

If all fails, just watch the vine of the “chicken-nugget boy” and follow by example. Even though you might look

and feel crusty, like a burnt chicken nugget, you should always love yourself. The truth is, we are all a bunch of burnt chicken nuggets who don’t really know what we’re doing, so do not worry. Eventually, if you’re lucky, you will grow really old and your concerns will shift toward maintaining a healthy digestive system, not your looks. I think that is why adults always say that it is the inside that counts. So make sure to eat enough fiber and ignore those stupid Target self-checkout cameras!

Perfect in (practically) every way, Momus

Perfection comes in many forms and many shapes. Though none of them are as perfect and as shaped as the one pictured above. Wise choice, Momus. Courtesy of Wikimedia Commons.

h c t C i h B r r oni a s Emily Lesorogol ’22

CAPRICORN | December 22 | January 19 Work on fulfilling your 2020 goals and resolutions! Put yourself first, always. Always. Cut the line at the Deece. They don’t need food like you do. You are important. You. AQUARIUS | January 20 | February 18 A moon phase website told me you should not get surgery right now. This information scared me enough that I felt it was important for you to know. Good luck.

PISCES | February 19 | March 20 Venus is currently in your sign, so gushy feelings abound! Show that special someone what they mean to you with flowers, or homework help, or a tarot reading or a psychoanalysis. Whatever.

MISCELLANY NEWS | VASSAR COLLEGE

cles

HUMOR & SATIRE

January 30, 2020

Page 11

Breaking News

From the desk of Francisco Andrade, Humor & Satire Editor

The impeachment is ‘happening.’

‘The Hangover Part III’: At least it ended better than GOT Madison Caress

Director of ‘joker’

I

had not seen any of the “Hangover” movies. This is mostly because I, in my naivety, believed that they were not worth my time. So when I decided to venture into the HCU (Hangover Cinematic Universe), I was wonderfully surprised.

“The Hangover Part III” (2013), directed

by Todd Phillips, is a piece of cinema that dares to defy normal comedic conventions by refusing to be “funny” or “enjoyable to watch.”

Phillips ventures into the absurd lives of men who have one hand on the wheel of reality or normal responsibilities. The clear plotline also makes it very easy for someone like myself, who has never seen one of these movies, to truly understand that these men are not like normal men: They are dumber.

“The Hangover Part III” is a wild ride from start to finish. It was wild to me for multiple reasons. First, because I was completely confused throughout because I haven’t seen the first two movies. Second, because I streamed this movie on a sketchy website and the advertisements that kept popping up were concerning. And lastly, it was wild because it convinced me that drinking and somehow ending up at the top of Caesar’s Palace is maybe a good idea if you can find a way down.

The audience must wrangle with some really important questions, such as, “Is a

giraffe more likely to be decapitated than other animals because of its long neck?

Should Bradley Cooper do more comedic acting? Should Ken Jeong go back to being a doctor? Does Todd Phillips only make movies that appeal to straight white men?”

And most importantly, “How many racist or mean-spirited jokes can someone fit into a movie that’s only 100 minutes long?”

In addition to the movie asking these questions, it also very clearly answers them with: yes, no, yes, yes and a whole lot, respectively. “The Hangover Part III” is multifaceted in the dilemmas it poses, mainly making the audience completely question why they decided to watch this movie in the first place.

Phillips invites his viewers to forget the fact he dated Paris Hilton by making the plot as action-packed as possible. There are drugs, strippers, the aforementioned headless giraffe and, most importantly, male friendship (other than that, I didn’t quite understand the plot, which may have been because I was also playing Candy Crush while watching but who knows).

Phillips strays from the idea that men can’t be friends by creating a bond between the men that lasts throughout the entire trilogy...I presume. And while the first two films may have received better reviews and reception at the box office, I haven’t seen them, so this one is taking the cake in my book. I don’t see how Todd Phillips could produce anything better.

I was just informed that Todd Phillips directed “Joker” and, quite frankly, I stand by what I said.

Even though I wasn’t completely sure what was going on throughout “The Hangover Part III,” I knew that what I was watching was iconic in its own right, as it was simultaneously a comedy and action movie that managed to not be funny or exciting. The boundaries that Todd Phillips decides to cross...unparalleled by any director! I would also like to believe that Paris Hilton has a hand in the directing of this film. She and Todd may have only been together in 2011 but she must have

somehow used mind control to influence the direction of this film. If anyone knows how to appeal to the taste of straight white men, it’s Paris Hilton!

I will admit I was hesitant to watch this film, but after having watched and appreciated such a marvel I realized everyone should see it. This movie deserves the highest of accolades, so I am giving it a 10.5 out of 11, representing how many times I wanted to contact PETA because of animal cruelty jokes. Todd Phillips was ultimately right: “Woke” culture really is getting in the way of making movies, and “The Hangover Part III” is the perfect example.

Not to throw unnecessary shade, but this movie was the third least popular among giraffes that year, behind “Eric Trump Savannah Adventure” and “Don Jr. Gets Himself a Pelt.” Courtesy of pfreedom pixabay.com.

‘How was your break?’ ask emotionally broken students Rohan Dutta

E

Totally Not a Whiner

very Poughkeepsie winter, thousands of college students leave Vassar College and do without classes for a forced month-long break. Luckily, after what feels like an eternity, the break ends and students begin to repopulate the campus.

Students engage in various forms of celebration to acknowledge their return to school. Residents of the THs uphold college tradition and welcome the return of morning classes by emptying all White Claw cans in a four mile radius. The Miscellany News asked TH 0.7’s Spiritual VP, Will

Asted ’17, about their celebration methods.

“Yes, we are drinking because we are absolutely overjoyed to be returning for another damn semester,” said Asted. “That is why people drink, because life is good and they are having fun.” In times like these, such candidness is refreshing.

Conversely, residents of Cushing tend to prepare for the semester ahead of time by stocking up on 20-packs of pens and expensive journals they will definitely use at least once during the year. Accordingly, all their friends make sure to not buy a single pen or sheet of paper, and will instead mooch off them as long into the semester as possible.

Some returning traditions touch the en-

Pictured above is a tragic scene. A first-year student arrived at Vassar and realized he was now responsible for his own future. Running was the only option. Courtesy of Geralt via Pixabay.

tire campus. All Vassar students eventually make their textbook pilgrimage at the start of the semester to the college store, a building known for its reasonable pricing and highly-coveted Vassar themed grape lip gloss. Purchasing textbooks for each course is a requirement, because several hundred slices of tree you won’t actually read are definitely important and worth their triple digit price tags. Ronald Ippedoff ’22 told the Misc, “Getting textbooks is my favorite time of the year! It’s always a blast spending money I don’t have on books I don’t need for courses I don’t care about.”

Another common experience after break is deeply caring about what other people did during their time off. In the Deece, the natural habitat of people who go to the Deece, attentive listeners can hear hundreds of utterances of “how was your break?” that are guaranteed to be entirely sincere. One exception to this social pattern, however, is the Computer Science major, who can instead be found locked in their room doing their best to avoid all forms of human interaction.

Unfortunately, starting the new semester isn’t all fun and games (surprisingly).

Dealing with jet lag, unpacking and adjusting to a new schedule are just a few of the issues students face after each break, and Vassar understands that. This is why residence halls open a whole three days before classes begin.

MISCELLANY NEWS | VASSAR COLLEGE

Courtesy of Geralt via Pixabay.

Returning to your dorm also means returning to its flaws. Noyesians have to face more midnight fire alarms than Raymondians face rats. Jewett people have to bear climbing up nine floors but still being beat

by Lathrop for highest students. Mainians, or whatever the fuck they’re called, the most unlucky of the bunch, have to once again accept that they live in Main.

However, in the wake of everything great about returning, it’s no wonder these issues barely faze the resilient and determined Vassar population. After all, if there’s anything the Vassar student is known for, it’s their staunch refusal to complain about anything whatsoever.

OPINIONS

Page 12

Quite Frankly Frankie Knuckles

Managing Editor Quality Advice-Giver

Hey Frankie, I am a cis, female, second-semester senior who is disillusioned with cisgender men at Vassar and beyond. Virtually every (very brief) non-platonic encounter I’ve had with a boy in the past three and a half years has ended with him being 1) not in a place for dating, let alone a relationship, or 2) seriously creepy, to be quite frank. How do I find a bright, mature, sensitive and kind young man for whom the timing is right?

Sincerely, Cynical, Still-Single, Second-Semes ter Senior Dear Senior,

Q

uite frankly, I don’t think I can prescribe a method. I don’t know who first said this, but here we go: Love is like a fart—if you have to force it, it’s probably shit.

At the risk of gross overgeneralization, odds are decent that Vassar’s pool of single, women-attracted, non-creepy, emotionally available cis dudes looking for a relationship is...smaller than you would probably like it to be. And finding a non-Vassar young man who checks all of your boxes would require the kind of romance novel-worthy meet-cute that only comes around a few times in a generation.

My advice, infuriating as it no doubt will be, is to stop looking. Let me clarify: I don’t mean give up. Anyone who knows me knows I believe in cheesy, cliche, completely real love stories that happen when we least expect them. That’s the root of my advice. Something can’t be “when you least expect it” if you’re actively searching for it.

As an obsessive planner, I understand the desire to get your romantic life settled, and quickly. But think about it: Is now, just before you’re about to depart the hallowed halls of Vassar College and embark on your next steps, the right time to 1) look for a man who wants to follow you to wherever you’re going next and 2) expect such a man to also be actively searching for a girlfriend? The closer we get to Commencement, the less likely it is that someone remains willing to cultivate a deep, emotional attachment to a classmate.

I don’t want to worsen your cynicism by pointing this out. I merely wish to suggest that there’s still plenty of time to stumble into the whirlwind romance of your dreams.

January 30, 2020

How to write an opinion, not just have one Jonas Trostle

Opinions Editor

O

ver winter break I read a 600-page novel called “Ada.” It had beautiful prose, multilingual jokes and an intricate-bordering-on-incomprehensible plot, all of which I thoroughly enjoyed. I realized however, the literary styles I like to digest and ponder in my free time are the exact opposite of what I think an opinions article should be.

I’m in full support of stylish prose, but in an opinions article—be it written for this publication, The New York Times or your own local paper—nothing should get in the way of trying to communicate your ideas to your readers. While you might feel warm and fuzzy on the inside knowing that you used “prophylactic” (I’ll save you a run to the thesaurus. It means “a preventative measure”) correctly in a sentence, all you’ve really done is make your reader disengage from the idea you desperately want to present (and in fact you’ve probably only made them engage with their dictionary). Nesting clauses upon clauses like some demented sentence-bird is not going make your thoughts come through clearly.

If your purposes are to actually engage and convey—which, if you’re writing for me, they should be—write so that my dad’s coworkers, all mechanics with little to no college education, can easily understand and grapple with the ideas you found so powerful that you wanted to share them. It’s a mistake to assume that everyone who reads a college newspaper reads at a college level, and it’s a mistake that I’m guilty of committing over and over again.

Just to say it again, I have no personal issues with advanced word-choice or complex sentence structures. There is a time and a place for them and sometimes ideas can only be communicated with full force in that manner. The vast majority of the time, however, elitism is unnecessary and unwarranted. This is more than a personal like and dislike list too, because making your writing inaccessible limits the type of

people who can respond to you. Screaming into the void is fun, but reaching people and starting a dialogue is the really rewarding aspect.

“The opinions expressed here aren’t the opinions of The Miscellany News as a whole.”

There are other things besides word choice and sentence structures that can derail an otherwise stellar article, so what else do I look for in an opinions article? General coherence is nice. A logical flow from one point to the next is pleasant but not totally required, and a lot of that can be covered by transition sentences between paragraphs.

To bring up another anecdote, I love the movie “Memento,” which jumps backwards and forwards in time until the plot meets in the middle, but if there was an article that was structured the same way then I would probably throw a fit. If you’re really trying to express an opinion, the whole point of writing an opinions article, then forcing your reader to break out a jar of pins and a spool of string just to follow your thought process is counterproductive. We all probably wanted to be part of the Scooby Gang, but that doesn’t mean we want to do an investigation just to figure out what somebody is trying to tell us.

In-jokes and self-referentiality are fine in small doses; it can be fun to play with the medium, but try to show some self-restraint (I’m doing a very bad job of it with

these asides, but they are at least semi-educational in this context). There’s more personal freedom in opinions just by the nature of the section, but it’s not the best home for the literary and artistic. The English department has full-credit classes on creative writing. The Vassar Student Review accepts fiction, as does the Vassar Insider. In the opinions section, the idea is to spread ideas on campus and beyond, not to stroke your ego.

Let me wrap up a few miscellaneous things and then I’ll let you go (see how it’s both conversational and includes a semistealth pun on the newspaper’s name?

Switching between high and low diction can be a choice, just make sure that it fits the rest of the article and that it’s not too jarring). Thing one: The opinions expressed here aren’t the opinions of The Miscellany News as a whole. If someone calls your group a bunch of privilege-assed white kids, fuckbois or etc., that’s not the official position of the newspaper. It’s just the opinion of one person who has availed themselves of using our platform. While we won’t let just any random, non-Vassar associated people write for us, we do want to share students’ ideas, publishing the opinion of the writer even if it’s not one we, or you, share.

The last thing I want to touch upon is that anyone can write an opinions piece.

You don’t even have to follow these guidelines; in fact, some of my favorite articles don’t follow a single one of these rules. I think I broke every one—again, for educational purposes—in this very piece. But what I want to make clear is that you don’t need to write like Tolstoy to be a writer for opinions. You don’t need to be intricate and exquisite. You don’t need to overcomplicate things and end up so far up your own ass that you need a flashlight. Just write passionately about some cool idea you had or some concept you have some thoughts on.

And, if you want to share it here, send me an email.

Best wishes, Frankie P.S. Rom-coms are the cathartic gift that keeps on giving—they may break your heart, but there’s almost always a satisfying end. Maybe what you need right now is a really good rom-com. I recommend “10 Things I Hate About You.” Have a question for Frankie?

Scan the QR code to submit yours.

Courtesy of Ciara Murray-Jordan.

MISCELLANY NEWS | VASSAR COLLEGE

January 30, 2020

OPINIONS

Page 13

Senate Republicans betray their own branch of government Sawyer Bush Columnist

T

he impeachment trial of President Donald Trump is about more than the removal of the most unpopular president to lead this country since approval ratings existed (FiveThirtyEight, “How Popular is Donald Trump,” 01.27.2020). In a time of growing public discontentment with, and loss of faith in, Congress, the verdict of this trial could save or further destroy the Senate’s reputation. There has been a growing sense that the government no longer reflects the will of the population which it is designed to serve. This trial is a true test of our democracy, our constitution and the institutions that have been put in place to prevent any branch of government from wielding and abusing excess power.

Along with Trump’s position as the U.S. president, what rests on the impeachment

trial’s outcome is the credibility of Congress as a co-equal branch of government and a legitimate check and balance on the powers of the presidency. Trump both sidestepped Congress and invited foreign interference into an American democratic election by giving direct orders to withhold money— funds approved by both houses of Congress to be given as security aid to an ally government at risk of invasion—for his own political gain. Furthermore, he refused to comply with subpoenas for documents about a call with Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelensky. Later talking about the quid pro quo that was the basis for the call, Trump claimed that Article II of the Constitution gave him “the right to do whatever [he] want[s]” (USA Today, “‘Obstruction of Congress’: Trump’s stonewalling becomes basis for impeachment,” 12.10.2019). Article II actually has no mention of “doing what-

Supreme Court Chief Justice John Roberts presides over the impeachment of President Trump. Courtesy of Senate.gov via Wikimedia Commons.

ever [the President] want[s].” It does, however, mention impeachment twice (U.S. Constitution, “Article II”, 06.21.1788). Now Senate Republicans risk invalidating the system of checks and balances that are paramount to the functioning of our government by essentially using their positions of power to claim Trump’s abuse of power was a lawful use of executive privilege.

If the Senate does not vote to impeach Trump, they set a precedent that the president has the power and the authority to override Congress’ approval and funding of military aid, and that it is appropriate to strong-arm a foreign government into launching an investigation into a political opponent, foreign interference into an American democratic election notwithstanding. To allow a man like this to remain in office unchecked is to place the executive branch as the principal branch of government, superior to the legislative and judicial. If the Republicans care at all about the people’s perception and faith in the Congress, they must uphold their oath of office and vote on the side of the Constitution, a doctrine which creates the legislative branch as equal to—not subsidiary to—the executive, in the impeachment of Donald Trump.

Even moderate Republican Senators who have stood up to Trump, such as Mitt Romney, demonstrate that at the end of the day, their alliances lie with party over country.

They have proven their dislike for Trump in their demands for changes to Mitch McConnell’s (Trump’s) rules for the trial; however, they have turned their backs on due process as they vote with their party to deny the subpoenas of any documents

from the White House as well as the State Department and other agencies (The New York Times, “Republicans Block Subpoenas for New Evidence as Impeachment Trial Begins,” 01.21.2020).

This country’s dubious reputation as a leader among democracies casts no protection against the threat of corruption posed by the likes of Donald Trump, a demagogic president who seems to have convinced his party that he has the power to do anything he wants and that the Democrats’ respect for law and precedent is somehow a plot against his presidency.

In their refusal to stand up to this president, Republican members of Congress betray their oath of office to defend the Constitution and they cast Congress as an inferior entity to the president. Say the Senate rules along party lines against impeachment of President Trump. Sure, we have to endure the racist pumpkin with a red tie for another five years and deal with all the dangers that come with that. But greater than this, if Senate Republicans put their party ahead of the country, they open up the possibility for future, potentially more malicious presidents to use Article II of the Constitution as justification to do just about anything. If they reject impeachment, Senate Republicans set the precedent that the president is above the law, that they have no duty to yield to the checks on their power posed by Congress. If Donald Trump is not impeached, we lose any check on his power and all protection from the president taking on autocratic rule. Is this a future you want to see? I certainly do not, and it is the Senate’s duty to see that this future does not come to fruition.

Let’s can Cannes: Buying an internship is just ludicrous Francisco Andrade Humor Editor

T

he Cannes Film Festival Internship claims, “It’s so much more than an internship!”

That’s because it’s also a scam.

As a sophomore who hopes to make a career of media production, I’ve spent this past year looking at dozens of internships and other entry-level media career opportunities. In my search, I’ve learned to make the most of what is available to me.

Working as an unpaid intern (for which I thankfully received Vassar Grant funding) made it clear that cutting costs wherever I could (i.e., living on ramen, canceling all streaming service subscriptions, only drinking tap water with every (ramen) meal, etc.) and working a second job would be necessary parts of my life until my schooling is complete. I wasn’t bitter about it, though—that internship was something I truly loved, and I’ve never been above working through the struggles. I learned a lot, received a credit and was grateful to work for a company that supported a good cause. I also understand that the company, a small non-profit, simply could not afford to pay me.

But as my search widened to larger and larger companies, I realized that this low pay scale was a recurring theme across many media-based internships. So-called “opportunities” require you to work between 20 and 40 hours a week for credit and no pay, or pay below the minimum wage in cities like New York where the cost of living is sky-high. As I grew accustomed to seeing these postings, I came to face a grim reality: many of these internships are built with this invisible wall in order to keep a certain economic class ahead. These

barriers make it almost impossible for lower income students to pursue success in a media career through a traditional path.

However, regardless of how much money you have, anyone in the media business will tell you that success in the industry rests not on what you know, but who you know. So, any chance to make connections and meet leaders in the field would be a dream come true, right? Well, that’s where the Cannes Film Festival comes into the picture, and makes it into a nightmare.

If you don’t already know, Cannes is one of the oldest film festivals in the world—a yearly gathering of the best cinema has to offer. So, when I heard about an information session at Vassar that would discuss their fee-based internships, I was more than excited. Until I realized exactly what they consider a “fee.” ...And that the entire experience was a formulaic rip-off.

Firstly there’s the outrageous cost: $3,995. For almost four grand, they allow you to work for them eight to 12 hours a day for the duration of the two-week festival.

This price includes lodging and breakfast.

And that’s about it. It doesn’t include either of the two other daily meals and certainly not the roundtrip airfare to France. So, expenses for a participant would easily reach $5,000 to $6,000. By the way, this sort of extremely expensive “pay us to work for us” system holds across all of their internship opportunities, be them in the realm of culinary arts or business management; if you want to gain experience with them, they expect to be compensated.

At this point, you may be wondering how Cannes gets away with this highway robbery. More importantly, even if you have the money, who wants to pay to work?

Well, that’s due to what Cannes is really selling to its potential interns: the chance to meet and canoodle with celebrities.

In every step of the application process (which I did not complete due to the $50 fee required to finish the application), you are bombarded with pictures of interns smiling at cameras and frolicking at a beautiful beach with celebrities galore in the background. They claim to offer the networking opportunities of a lifetime, as if between shifts you would be allowed to pitch script ideas to Jude Law and James Franco. Having read copious amounts of employee reviews, the truth of the situation is this: you’re there to work and look happy doing it.

They want you—a starry-eyed student who wants nothing more than to make it big, and is willing to do anything to get there. Cannes knows that students with such ambitions would be willing to throw themselves into debt for a fraction of a

MISCELLANY NEWS | VASSAR COLLEGE

fraction of a chance to maybe meet someone who can help them be a star. That is why they charge so much money and that is why they do not care about the optics of it. Because, at the end of the day, if you pay this $4,000, get selected, show up and realize that this entire thing is basically a Fyre Festival ticket with manual labor, you can’t do anything about it. You won’t complain at the festival; you may not even frown as you stand there contemplating your indentured servitude. Why not? Because you’d jeopardize your own career by seeming like an “ungrateful worker,” and given what you’ve already given up to be there, that can’t happen.

Students, you deserve better than this.

Opportunities may not always be wellpaid or exciting, but they certainly should never cause you to put yourself in extreme financial debt. Save that money and invest in yourself and pursue an opportunity that wants you to succeed.

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January 30, 2020

Brilliant, tenacious, selfish: In mourning, we learn from Continued from Kobe Bryant on page 1

mortal. That was Kobe. It’s why we tuned in to watch his 20 years with the Lakers.

It’s why young kids who never watched a live Kobe game marveled at his highlights on YouTube. It’s why Kendrick Lamar and Jack Nicholson and anyone who was anyone in Los Angeles came to Staples Center that evening in April 2016 and bore witness to 60 jaw-dropping points—the most in a career finale (New York Times, “Kobe Bryant Ends Career, Scoring 60 Points,” 04.14.2016). In that moment, watching him score 15 points in the last four minutes, we were all suspended in disbelief. Fans across the country watched something happening that couldn’t be happening. What was playing out on screen couldn’t be possible given what we’d been taught about basketball, what we’d been taught about age. It was the same feeling that shrouded the story as it unraveled across the country last Sunday.

Kobe’s career is a series of iconic snapshots. His snarl. His fist pump. His turnaround jumper. His jerseys. His tormenting of the entire Western Conference in playoff series throughout the 2000s. He began the

decade crossing Scottie Pippen and lobbing to Shaq to ice the Western Conference Playoffs and ended it by knocking off the Celtics in seven games for his fifth and final ring. Along the way, he broke the hearts of Chris Webber, Carmelo Anthony, Yao Ming and Steve Nash—more than once.

The Kobe we grew up with had already exhausted his considerable reserve of poster dunks and mind-bending reverse layups in traffic. When he took the court in the latter half of his career, he taught master classes in footwork and the art of the midrange.

His first lesson, though, was always how to compete.

We want to talk about what we talk about when we talk about Kobe’s competitiveness. It would be impossible to capture his full humanity, the scope of his brilliance and flaws, without saying plainly that as a competitor, Kobe was not a nice person.

In fact, he was understood to be an asshole.

He held his teammates to the same incredibly high standards that he aspired to, standards that most players couldn’t meet. He was unconcerned with building team chemistry; if other Lakers didn’t share his belief that winning was more important than mutual respect, they became the subjects of abuse. A video from the 2014-15 season

“Kobe taught an entire generation of people how to be, at the very least, selfish in their pursuit of excellence.”

I grew Kobe Bryant inspired a generation. After the news broke, my up a LeBron fan my phone continued to blow up the rest of the day—college whole life, always cheering for teammates, high school teammates, former players, number 23 and not 24. Even though Kobe classmates, colleagues in the coaching profession, wasn’t my favorite player, he always inspired co-workers, family members—all in disbelief. Never me with the stories of his work ethic and killer before could I recall the death of someone generatmentality in a way that LeBron never did. I think eving such a response from so many different circles. ery hooper has a little bit of Kobe inside of them. Kobe is Kobe wasn't perfect, but the reactions from people the star that almost every current college and professional around the world, most of whom he never met, basketball player grew up watching, and his death means speaks volumes to the impact he made while he was so much because there is a generation of players that are here. Not just as a basketball player, but as a father, playing right now because they were inspired by Kobe. He a friend and an advocate for women's sports. As a inspired us to pick up a basketball every day, and without father to a daughter, the photos of Kobe with Gigi him, many of the current superstars that we all watch sitting court side will be how I choose to remember today wouldn’t be playing professional basketball. I him, because that is the bond I dream of having as my know I would never have made it to the college daughter gets older. level without his influence, and I think — Ryan Mee, Men’s Basketball head coach many others would say the same.

provides a good example. In it, Kobe taunts Jeremy Lin into a bad shot, barking, “This motherfucker ain’t got shit right now goddamn...Fucker didn’t want to shoot that shit.” (USA Today, “Kobe Bryant Relentlessly Talked Trash to His Lakers Teammates in Uncovered Practice Video,” 12.18.2017). Even Kobe’s playing style itself was defined by his legendary, selfish aversion to passing.

Untold thousands of people on and off the internet have said that Kobe inspired them to play basketball or in their own interests.

They don’t reference mean-spiritedness, but competitiveness. Make no mistake: Kobe was the most visible and most successful selfish asshole in sporting history, and when people talk about trying to replicate his edge, they are talking about the fact that Kobe taught an entire generation of people how to be, at the very least, selfish in their pursuit of excellence.

Lauding Kobe’s selfish and uncompromising nature seems daring and clever when we restrict the conversation to his basketball playing. It would be irresponsible and ignorant to ignore that a 19-year-old woman accused him of raping her in a Colorado ho-

“[Kobe’s] faults, his virtues, his errors, his successes, are lessons.”

-Kevin McAullife ’23

with Alex Eisert

O

ne. One vote. One measly vote. Last Tuesday, the Baseball Writers’ Association of America voted Derek Jeter into the Baseball Hall of Fame, only one vote shy of becoming the second unanimously elected inductee.

The first unanimously elected Hall-of-Famer, inducted last year, is Jeter’s career-long Yankee teammate, Mariano Rivera, who was arguably the greatest relief pitcher ever. But did Jeter get burned, or was the Sandman just one vote better? Let’s ask an even pricklier question: was Jeter deserving of the voting percentage that he earned, which was the second-highest ever?

To answer, we have to turn back to his teammate, Mo. During his 19 year career, Rivera pitched 1,283.2 innings. His Wins Above Replacement (WAR), a statistic that answers the question, “How many wins would it cost us if this player got injured and we had to replace him with a backup?” places Rivera first among pitchers with 1,600 or fewer innings pitched (FanGraphs Baseball, “Major League Leaderboards,” 01.24.2020). Rivera also allowed the lowest earned run average (ERA) among pitchers who tossed between 1,000 and 2,000 career Banner design by Juliette Pope/The Miscellany News

innings and pitched primarily in relief. Not to mention Rivera has the most saves of all time.

His greatness in unmatched in the niche that is relief pitching.

How does Jeter, a lifelong shortstop, stack up against the all-time greats at his position? He ranks sixth in WAR. Three of the hitters ahead of him played in an era when foul balls were not counted as strikes, vastly inflating their statistics. A fourth, Alex Rodriguez took steroids.

After this, we’re left with only Ripken, who is probably the best comparison for Jeter because their careers overlapped for seven years.

Ripken was a superior defender and accrued nearly 10 years’ more WAR than Jeter. He fell eight votes shy of unanimous election (Baseball Reference, “Hall of Fame Voting Percentages,” 01.24.2020). Jeter leads all shortstops in hits, a testament to his longevity. He also ranks sixth in home runs, 10th in average, 14th in OBP, and 20th in stolen bases.

Undoubtedly, Jeter was an excellent, well-rounded player, well-deserving of his spot in the hall of fame. But he and Mariano Rivera do not belong in the same category.

I'm still sorting through a lot of feelings on Kobe and Gianna's passing. As an alum o ion High School, I spent four years walking past the Kobe Shrine (located just outside Bryant Gymnasium, of course). Anywhere I went in the world, I knew that if I said t my school, there was a very real chance that a Lakers fan might chime in with “A 6'6 My heart goes out to his wife and surviving daughters, his teammates, coworkers, m all those affected by his loss. Even now, even as I try to make sense of the loss of a ma not just a legend but our local legend, I refuse to forget that if you had asked me 24 ho reflect on him, I would have told a very different story. I would have brought up the r the subsequent civil suit, the settlement, and his own half-hearted apology that the a consensual and that his continued hero-worship is a stain on the NBA and on sports while his loss pains me—and it does pain me—my thoughts are also with his victim, a the survivors for whom today's news and outpouring of grief might land very differe — Itamar Ben-Porath ’21

One of the most devastating days of my life. Kobe wasn’t just a basketball player; he wasn’t just an athlete. He was a role model, an idol, a hero for all the kids who needed to find an example of how to work on your craft. You could be a dancer, a volleyball player, a mechanic or anything at all; Kobe was someone you could aspire to act like. His drive, his passion, the incredible amount of work he put into his game is something that is truly legendary, and as an athlete I have immense respect for what he did throughout his career. I for one have been inspired by him throughout my whole life. Rest in peace, Kobe.

— Steven Koja ’23

MISCELLANY NEWS | VASSAR COLLEGE

I'm still p about th wheneve excited w cause I ju anyway. and on to attended joy on hi be remem — Lucia R

SPORTS

January 30, 2020

m Kobe Bryant tel room in 2003. Two years later, after his accuser dropped criminal charges and settled her civil claims out of court, Kobe apologized for his behavior in what he claimed was a consensual sexual experience, adding, “I now understand how she feels that she did not consent to this encounter” (The Nation, “Wrestling With Kobe Bryant’s Forgotten Apology,” 4.19.2016).

Kobe leaves behind a complicated legacy to process. We should believe victims. We should be horrified that a teenager received death threats and endured public shaming at the hands of the media and Kobe’s defense team because she came forward. We also have a lot to learn from Kobe’s support of women’s basketball and his ubiquitous presence at women’s games, at the high school, college and professional levels. Lastly, we cannot ignore that millions of people modeled their working habits, their radical self-preservation, their selfishness, after Kobe.

Kobe Bryant was a champion in many respects and a villain in many others. His faults, his virtues, his errors, his successes, are lessons. As we mourn, we learn.

of Lower Mere the Kobe the name of 6” guard..." mentees, and an who was ours ago to rape trial, act wasn’t fandom. So and with all ently.

My parents were never avid sports fans, but on Sunday night I got a call from my mom. Choked up, she asked, “You heard the news?” Neither I nor my mother ever had the privilege of meeting Kobe, but that didn’t matter. “He’s just like Jordan,” I heard them mutter. Here’s the thing, though. For a child born halfway across the world, Kobe wasn’t Jordan. Kobe spoke three languages. Told stories of Italy, and of working with pros as an adolescent. His favorite player? Mike D’Antoni.

To a lot of people, Jordan was Jesus walking on Nike Air™, but Kobe made every foreign basketball player proud to play the American game. I know he made me proud to wear my culture on my chest. As for mom? She followed what unfortunately became Kobe’s final chapter: He became a father. My mother knew little of shimmy fadeaways and one-dribble pull ups, but she knows what love is. What it means to sacrifice for your children, to invest your life in their passions. So when it was reported that Kobe’s daughter Gianna was one of the victims of Sunday’s tragedy, she reeled. We all reeled. Bianka, Natalia, and Capri lost a father, Vanessa lost a husband, we lost an icon, not just of sports, but of passion, of commitment, and, most importantly, of love. So to the kid from South Philly, thank you.

— Rayan El Amine ’23 Kobe was an inspiration to all athletes, not just basketball players. I always looked up to Kobe because of his drive and competitiveness.

He worked harder than anybody else and he wanted to win more than anybody else. He never backed down, and always just kept pushing himself to excellence. We have lost a great person. RIP Kobe, Gigi and the others who were killed in the crash.

— Doug Cobb ’23

Courtesy of Kobe Bryant via Facebook.

Kobe Bryant's passing has not fully hit me yet. It has been difficult for me to put into words how Kobe has impacted me. As a basketball fan, player and coach I have always admired and revered his passion for being the best in every aspect of his life. As time passes, I will always remember how he helped inspire millions of people around the world to pick up a basketball and compete to the very best of their ability. That is something he did for me, and I will never forget that!

— Dan Bozzelli, Assistant Men’s Basketball Coach

Page 15 This one hurts. Kobe was one of the first athletes I remember being proud to watch play myself. He wasn’t my dad’s hero, or my grandfather’s. He was one of ours. It hurts because he seemed so indestructible, and so full of life even after he retired. His passing makes you remember that life is short, so give everything you have to whatever it is you do. RIP to the man who always did.

— Ryan Mazurkiewicz ’22 I remember running home from the local basketball courts, crying after losing badly or getting kicked off. Hearing “Stop asking to play, Jew!” haunted me. Going to the park became frightening. Then, during my freshman year of high school, Kobe scored 60 in his final game. My love and dedication for basketball grew, and I began discovering the life, approach and influence of an immeasurably tenacious and compassionate legend. I returned to the park with an unflinching smile towards the hatred I learned to channel. Soon, I joined the varsity team. Kobe and Gigi. Their grit and love inspire me.

— Ben Fikhman ’23 I grew up watching Kobe. Hours later and I still can’t believe it. It just doesn’t make sense. He was more than just a basketball player to me. He was an icon. What I will always remember is the memories made with family, the championships and the “Mamba Mentality.” It means to live your life in a constant quest to be better today than you were yesterday; to constantly be the best version of yourself. Rest in Peace Kobe Bean Bryant. Thank you for inspiring me to be better and do better every day.

— Romario Ortiz ’21

Courtesy of Kobe Bryant via Facebook.

Kobe was most commonly known as a legend on the court for his championships and high-scoring games. As a player, I am able to admire his accolades even more knowing about his work ethic and mindset. He lived in the moment and never made excuses. Kobe will also be forever known as the biggest believer in women’s basketball. He genuinely respected and supported female athletes at all levels through his words and actions. He attended WNBA games, hosted training sessions and coached his daughter's basketball team. The passing of Kobe Bryant along with the loss of his daughter, Gigi, his legacy, is absolutely devastating. I would have loved to see Kobe's continued positive impact off the court, and it is without a doubt that Gigi had an incredible basketball career and bright life ahead of her.

— Isa Peczuh ’20

processing the news of Kobe's passing. He feels like someone I've grown up with. I remember being in middle school with all of the buzz his high school player being drafted (and of course just fueling my dreams of playing basketball on a bigger stage one day). I tuned in er I could to any game, interview, TV appearance— - I recorded them to VHS tapes to watch and practice his moves. I remember being so when he had a guest appearance on the TV show Moesha. I begged and begged my parents for his first sneakers when they came out beust had to have them. They didn't have my size, but I still somehow managed to talk my way into a pair and wore them every single game . As time passed, he was just a part of the game.. It felt like I was along for the same ride, including moving from the days of playing o being a parent. I was moved even more by his [post-retirement] commitment to his family life and the support of women's sports. He d women's college games, WNBA games, commented when watching on tv, and committed to coaching the next generation. Seeing the is face when working with his daughter on the court or just watching the game was truly special. His legacy on the court will certainly mbered and cherished, but my heart aches for all of those left behind and for the chapters that had yet to be written.

Robinson-Griggs, Women’s Basketball Head Coach

MISCELLANY NEWS | VASSAR COLLEGE

Courtesy of JoeJohnson2 via Wikimedia Commons.

Kobe Bryant impacted my life in so many ways. As a basketball player, he was someone I’ve always looked up to and admired.

He has done so much for the game and his work ethic was second to none. Even more, I took pride in my area knowing he grew up and played the game I loved only 20 minutes from me. The Philly area is huge on pride and it wasn’t difficult to claim him as one of our own. Seeing him embrace Philly as well made me feel like I had a personal connection to him. Outside of the amazing player he was, he was a huge advocate and supporter of women’s basketball. I’m sure many of my teammates will say the same thing, that seeing such a huge star courtside at women’s college basketball and WNBA games, especially with his daughter, meant a lot. The way he shared the game he loved so much with his daughter and how proud he was of her was really something special.

I think something people forget is when he won an Oscar. He turned his poignant poem into an Oscar-worthy short film that truly encapsulated his message and love for the game. Kobe will forever be a legend, on and off the court.

— Ryan DeOrio ’21

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January 30, 2020

Déjà vu all over again: MLB rocked by Astros scandal Ryan Mazurkiewicz Guest Columnist

B

aseball has seen its fair share of cheating.

A full century ago, Shoeless Joe Jackson and his teammates, colloquially known as the Black Sox, were forever banned from the game of baseball for throwing the 1919 World Series for the mafia. The league was riddled with scandal from ’60s through the ’80s: players abused drugs and gambled, and collusion ran rampant among the owners (unsurprisingly, the players were the only offenders ever punished). The ’90s and early ’00s were full of star athletes brought down by steroid scandals, marking many of the statistically greatest players of all time with asterisks. Now, sign stealing has tarnished the legacy of two of the most successful franchises in the league today, the Houston Astros, and possibly the Boston Red Sox who are currently under investigation.

Sign stealing, though? Ask any baseball coach, whether in Little League or the majors, and odds are they’ll be able to tell you a story about successfully stealing a sign or having it stolen. Although it certainly isn’t condoned in the rule book, sign stealing is often treated like speeding—as long as you’re not putting someone else in danger, you’re fine. Therein lies the problem; if the Astros were speeding, they’d have been doing 100 in a 65.

The Astros didn’t just sign steal occasionally—they created and used a complex system to steal signs for multiple seasons. Go back and watch any home Astros game, and you’ll hear banging from the dugout whenever the catcher signaled an off-speed pitch (New York Times, “The Rise and Sudden Fall

of the Houston Astros,” 01.18.2020). You’ll also see an incredible disparity in performance if you compare Astros home games to away games—Clayton Kershaw, one of the greatest pitchers in the game today, saw his ERA jump by nearly 3.5 when he pitched in Houston compared to when he pitched at home.

“If the Astros were speeding, they’d have been doing 100 in a 65.”

That kind of disparity doesn’t happen without cheating, and the subsequent MLB investigation revealed exactly that the Astros have a camera planted in the outfield that stole the signs and relayed that information to the players through loud bangs in the dugout. The camera here makes a huge difference—while officials often let traditional sign stealing slide, technology-assisted sign stealing was a particular focus of rule changes in the last few years. The league repeatedly warned teams that any use of technology to steal signs was illegal and would be punished on a case by case basis.

The worst part about the Astros cheating scandal is that it worked. Jose Altuve won MVP while knowing the pitches he was about to face. The Astros won the World

“Off-Campus Yums” ACROSS

1. 28 Raymond Ave 5. pillow cover 9. regurgitated food that requires a second chewing 12. honk honk instrument 13. bears with feelings 14. not these 16. instrument with free reeds and no pipes 18. related to ear and sense of hearing 19. relating to bears 20. eatery that stamps buns with name 22. symbol indicating pitch 24. personal assistant 25. “ahoy,” 28. produced by plants, used for glue 31. hundredweight, abbr 34. Caesar’s death date 35. a furious rant 36. to, two 37. zero, none, nada 38. notably unrhymable word, pl 39. to annoy 40. action of the eyes 41. baby room, minus -y 42. follows “holy” in PG exclamation

Answer to last week’s puzzle

Series in 2017, and were runners-up in 2019.

They were undeniably one of the best franchises in baseball, bordering on a dynasty.

But that legacy is tarnished now, replaced with one of dishonesty and falsehood.

The Astros fired their GM, Jeff Lunhow, and manager, A.J. Hinch, after they were suspended from baseball for a full year. Former assistant GM Brandon Taubman was also banned for one year. The Astros forfeited their first and second round draft picks for the next two years, and the franchise was fined $5 million, the maximum allowable under the current collective bargaining agreement. No players were punished, as they were offered immunity in exchange for testimony. Many left for other teams prior, making punishment even more complicated.

The Astros will likely not be the last team punished for technology-assisted sign stealing. The Red Sox are currently under investigation for a similar kind of scandal, this time featuring improper use of their replay booth. Coincidentally, the Red Sox won the World Series in 2018 under the leadership of Alex Cora, who coached for the Astros while they were cheating a year prior. He has since been fired, but it stands to reason he could have brought over techniques used in Houston to Boston. While the details are still cloudy, it would come as little surprise if the Red Sox faced punishments similar to Houston’s.

Whether you think the Astros were punished too harshly or not harshly enough probably has to do with how you view cheating. From a moral perspective, using technology to steal signs seems pretty tame,

especially when contrasted with rigging games, gambling on baseball and rampant drug abuse, performance enhancing and otherwise. However, when viewed purely in-game, this kind of cheating could be viewed as some of the most severe ever—in terms of giving one team an advantage, sign stealing probably did more for the Astros than Barry Bonds’ steroids ever did for the San Francisco Giants in the 2000’s. Every player on the Astros was given a tool that no other player in the league (that we know of) had access to while at home, and they turned that advantage into two World Series appearances, with one title. Ask a Dodgers or Yankees fan about playoff losses that may not have been.

The Astros reworked the game of baseball in their favor. To be fair, baseball should be reworked to punish the Astros an equal amount, and the punishments levied are pretty close to it. Punishing management rather than players was a surprising but welcome action given baseball’s history of doing the reverse. Punishing the players would simply be too complex right now, even though the cheating was largely player driven. However, it is worth keeping an eye on how a player like Altuve is treated by the Hall of Fame. As one of the game’s best position players and a former MVP, he had at least a decent chance based on the apparent merits of his career. But players like Pete Rose and Barry Bonds are a testament to how illegal actions can limit a player’s favorability among Hall voters. Only time will tell, but one thing remains certain—the Astros will be league villains for seasons to come.

The Miscellany Crossword

by Frank

43. Crafted’s preferred coffee vessel 44. the basic ideas, the short versions 45. traditional Japanese martial art meaning “way of the sword” 46. a group of musical compositions 48. a level of a structure or hierarchy 50. strips of colored paper for decor 54. to invalidate or nullify 58. away from center or inside 59. larva of antlion 61. to overturn 62. ascus, pl 63. horizontal piece of ladder 64. bottle top or cap 65. self-referential 66. to remain

32. a realm or planet 33. only Japanese restaurant that takes VCash 35. an obviously true statement 38. phrase associated with fencing 42. the consolidations of companies 45. to fall over or collapse 47. side of hammer opposite of the face 49. restaurant on Raymond that offers the taste of this country

DOWN

1. preposition associated with fast food 2. Dutch for “wh*re” 3. Greek god of war 4. found in the back of textbooks, pl 5. mass of loose rocks on mountain slopes 6. common sleep paralysis character 7. a League of 22 states whose official language is Arabic 8. list of meal choices 9. a modification to rectify an error 10. branch of U.S. military associated with planes, abbr 11. shop with meats, breads, and cheeses 14. Maghrebi dish named after the dish in which it’s cooked 15. possessing a specific color or shade 17. solely or exclusively 21. someone who raids 23. men in a religious order 25. capital of Belarus 26. goodbye to you and you and you 27. moved locations instantaneously 29. physicist who coined the term “mach number” 30. the most sage

MISCELLANY NEWS | VASSAR COLLEGE

50. Vassar Bowl from Twisted 51. were one of the most numerous peoples indigenous to Brazil b4 colonization 52. yellow Dutch cheese with red wax 53. traditional flower of love 55. to touch or share a border 56. fish found in sandwiches, sushi and cans 57. description of overly egg-tasting 60. prefix meaning eight