Vassar College’s student newspaper of record since April 1, 2025
Vassar to debut new therapy beetles
With the percentage of students reporting stress at an all-time high, Vassar College is debuting an innovative pilot program designed to provide succor and support to students struggling with general and school-related stress and anxiety.
The program, which is under the auspices of the College’s Office of Student Growth & Engagement, will match students in need of mental health resources with one of several thousand therapy beetles. The therapy beetles, comprising members of several hundred of the more than 300,000 known beetle species, have been specially trained to provide mental health support and are considered licensed therapists in 34 states, including New York.
“I am immensely excited to be rolling out our new therapy beetle program,” said President of the College, Elizabeth Bradley. “Beetles have been there for me at some of the toughest times in my own life, so I am thrilled to be able to extend that carapaced support to all our students.”
A new building is being constructed specifically for the therapy beetle program. Dubbed the House for Using General Entomology to Battle Undue Grief and Stress (HUGEBUGS), it will stand in the middle of the academic quadrangle, where the paths across the quad currently meet.
“The program’s central location will make
it easily accessible to all students, even if they’re just on the way to class,” Dean of Student Growth & Engagement Wendy Maragh Taylor said. “We want to encourage students to take advantage of the program, even if that just means popping in for five minutes
to say hi to one of our beetles.”
The Miscellany News spoke to some of the beetles, all of whom expressed excitement to begin working with students.
“I personally can’t wait to get started,” said one, a boll weevil named Lucille. “I am
Emma daRosa Retired Seeker
This Monday, a horrific act of violence took place at approximately 12:34 a.m., when Vassar Quidditch seized control of Ferry House in a shocking act of wand-waggling aggression. In a night that will go down in infamy as “The Quaffle Quagmire,” the Ferry residents and all of their various meat replacements were thrown out into the dirt! It seems that the severe budget cuts they’ve experienced in recent years didn’t just impact the food budget; all of Ferry’s previous defense mechanisms were gone too (lasers, armed womp womps, etc.).
The siege began in the wee hours of the morning, when the dark night provided cover for a ragtag group of broom buddies to storm through the front door of Ferry. The quaptain, Quagmire Quagmire VI, stood on a table and gave a battle cry before reciting a declaration of sorts. According to eyewitness accounts, it went something like this: “Ughhhh! Every party on this campus sucks, I would literally rather eat my broom than go to another TH. We’ve decided to start a frat, and, uh, oh this is kind of awkward. We need you guys to go. Yeah. Ferry is just a really opportune spot for us, so we’re going to step in here. Pack it in. Yeah, yeah, of course! Take all the seitan you
See Quidditch on page 10
Nicholas Tillinghast Editor-in-Chief
Last Sunday evening, Dean of Student Living and Wellness Luis Inoa added me to a Snapchat group chat entitled “secret Vassar admin group chat (shhhhhh omg don’t tell anybody!!!!).” I initially thought this was some sort of tricky trick against the all-powerful Editor-in-Chief (EiC) of the Misc as it was highly unusual for Vassar admins to involve a journalist in such a group chat, but as the messages turned into
Nandini Likki Avid Newsletter Opener
Vassar students are familiar with President Elizabeth Bradley (PB)’s famous Sunday emails, in which PB takes the time to inform her queendom on the various goings-on and goings-to-be around campus. At the end of every weekend, I, like many others, await with bated breath that exhilarating email notification that simply reads “[Students] Sunday Email.” What simple, understated elegance. However, one email per week is simply not enough for most students.
schemes and then schemes turned into real action, I knew this was no joke.
I happened to be friends with Dean Luis on Snapchat before being added to this admin group chat because our dads were friends in high school (long story), but we had only ever communicated a few times on the app and for purely journalistic purposes and not to maintain a streak of any kind for 502 or more days. Despite all of this strangeness, I still wondered if the chat was, in fact, real, so I stuck around.
The first message, late Monday night in
“A full inbox is a happy inbox,” says Ian Ho ’25. “When emails from my thesis advisor are camouflaged and covered up by emails that advertise ‘Arousing Jobs for Sexy Seniors’ and film screenings I’ll never attend, I can finally attain peace of mind.” It looks like students will soon see another newsletter added to the mix.
John Bradley, the First Gentleman of Vassar College and President Bradley’s husband, has recently announced plans to start his own newsletter, entitled “John-day Email.” “Brah, this newsletter is going to be frickin’ awesome sauce,” said Bradley. “I’m talkin’ serious fuego
so honored by the support that Vassar has shown the therapy beetle program, and I can’t wait to repay that faith.”
“It can be tough for beetles in the mental health support industry,” said another, a stag
Dean Luis accidentally adds Misc EIC to admin gC QUAFFLE
the chat, was from a user labeled “DM,” who opened up the chatting. “I’m gonna b saving all the chats. I like looking back at them 4 the memories. Also bro, ngl I need everybody to get off my freaking ass about this egg situation bro… Handling that shit.” I deduced from this extended egg banter that this was likely Associate Dean of the College for Campus Activities Dennis Macheska.
After three hours, a user named PB, likely President Bradley, replied, “Sorry dawg.”
I get bromigos comin’ up to me all the time at the pool saying stuff like, ‘Johnny! Sick speedos!’ or ‘When are you going to start that airtight newsletter, Jojo?’ So I thought, man, what’s stoppin’ me?’” Bradley plans to write a newsletter that appeals to the masses. “None of that snoozer academia talk. That’s dead grody. My newsletter is ferda dudes. Hells yeah. I’m talkin’ best PB and J flavor combos, ranking my favorite snapbacks and coolest surf tricks. It’s gonna be straight dopamine. Slide me some skin, sister.” Bradley then proceeded to ecstatically Nicholas Tillinghast/The Miscellany News.
Volume 163 | Issue 7 College to
Admissions to replace tour guides with Meryl Streep ’71. Current Vassar students said to be talentless, destined for waitstaff.
THE AWESOME LIST
ALL HAIL PRO EMAILER UNCS
RETIREES
WET BLANKETS
ASSISTANT WET BLANKET PILATES PRINCESS
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MIXED BAG BADDIES
CERTIFIED YAPPER
ASSISTANT CERTIFIED YAPPER SHADOW EXEC
ASSISTANT SHADOW EXEC
BENCHWARMER
ASSISTANT BENCHWARMER INDESIGN MINIONS
ASSISTANT INDESIGN MINIONS
PASTE EDITOR
ASSISTANT PASTE EDITORS
STARVING ARTIST
ASSISTANT STARVING ARTISTS
CROSSWORD FANATICS
IG REELS ADDICTS
RAGER ORGANIZER
COMPUTER NERD
UNDERLINGS
CRAYON FAN PASTE STAFF
Allen Hale
Clara Alger
Maryam Bacchus
Carina Cole
Lev Winickoff
Jacques Abou-Rizk
Jesse Koblin
Charlotte Robertson
Nicolas Villamil
Emma Brown
Sarah McNeil
Julian Balsley
Emma Adams
Madeleine Nicks
Benjamin Kaplan
Yaksha Gummadapu
Luke Jenkins
Soren Fischer
Jacob Cifuentes
Oliver Stewart
Nicholas Tillinghast
Emma daRosa
Josie Wenner
Henry France
Casey McMenamin
Ellie Kogan
Lucas Seguinot
Amelia Gracie
Holland Kaplan
Darja Coutts
Kathryn Carvel
Grace Finke
Tori Kim
Annie McShane
Berk Meral
Natalie Sang
Sadie Keesbury
Felix Mundy-Mancino
Miranda Liu
Zoey Ojalvo
Fallon Dern
Kai Chang
Jordan Alch
Wren Buehler
Eduardo Culmer
Sydney Jones
Anna Kozloski
Ben Vinson
Ian Watanabe
Andrew Chu
Nikola Parker Cooperman
Sadie Bakken-Durchslag
Paige Hahn
Quinn Kou
Gabrielle Lyman
Ren Nicolau
Tess Novack
CORRECTION POLICY
The Miscellany News will only accept corrections for any misquotes, misrepresentations or factual errors for an article within the semester it is printed.
The Miscellany News is not responsible for the views presented within its Opinions pages. Staff editorials are the only articles that reflect the opinion of a two-thirds majority of the Editorial Board.
Tori Kim/The Miscellany News.
Bridge for Laboratory Sciences to halt Lab Sciences
In a shock decision released by President of the College Elizabeth Bradley, on Friday, March 13, the Bridge for Laboratory Sciences will be rehousing all classes and labs previously held in the facility, effectively ceasing the building’s academic function on campus. In an email to the Vassar community, Bradley announced, “The Bridge Building for Laboratory Sciences will be eliminating its Laboratory Sciences to focus on being a bridge.”
The Bridge currently serves three essential roles on campus: It is home to the Vassar Chemistry and Biochemistry Departments and numerous labs; it single-handedly caffeinates the entire student body through its recent collaboration with The Brew; and it bridges together the North and South campus. Every day, thousands of students cross through the Bridge to reach Skinner Music Hall, Central Receiving and the highly coveted living complex, the Southern Commons.
The decision, which goes into effect next Saturday, April 12, was made by the administration in concert with the Bridge itself. In a bombshell interview with The Miscellany News, the Bridge spoke about its nine-year tenure in the Laboratory Sciences. “I know this may seem like a rash decision, but Laboratory Sciences was never one of my interests. It was just a job for me. When I applied for this position back in 2015, it was posted on Indeed as ‘Bridge.’ They said they pre-
ferred candidates with four to five years of experience of passage work; they didn’t say anything about a robotics laboratory. I never would have applied if I had known. I mean, who would choose this? Maybe if I were the Bridge for Media Studies, things could have worked out differently.”
Documents obtained by The Miscellany News show the Bridge has been sinking into the ground ever since its construction in 2016. The Bridge went on to discuss the intense working conditions as a full-time bridge, barista and chemist: “I am open 24 hours a day, seven days a week, 365 days a year. People don’t realize what kind of a toll this takes on someone. I can feel myself literally sinking into the ground under the weight of all this science. It’s too much pressure.”
Bradley said in a phone call with The Miscellany News, “We wanted to respect the Bridge’s choice to focus on other passions. An integral part of our pedagogical mission is to build bridges and let those bridges be free when they are no longer interested in working in the sciences. I used to work in the sciences myself, actually; I became President to get away from all the hoopla.”
Bradley dished that the College will be looking for new classroom and laboratory spaces and is planning to make an internal hire before the end of the calendar year. In the interim, all laboratory sciences will be relocated to the Express side of the College Center. The Mail Center will be the new home for the laboratory rats previously stored in
the walls of the Bridge. Instead of constructing new cages, students’ mailboxes will be repurposed to accommodate the little rascals. The Mail Room anticipates the rats’ presence will help improve their efficiency. Other rats will be sent to The Retreat to assist with food preparation.
Chemistry Professor Adam Carbonate expressed frustration with the dissolution of the Laboratory Science building: “I’m incredi-
bly disheartened by this. I thought the Bridge and I were tight. I’m not the kind to burn my bridges, but I just might have to start.”
Despite the impact it is having on the Vassar community, the Bridge has never been happier. “Ever since I made the decision to abandon the sciences, I’ve felt 500 tons lighter. I’m thinking about the next chapter of my life. Maybe I’ll become a car wash. Who knows, the options are endless.”
Ethan Slater slated to make ‘Wicked’ return to campus
Broadway wunderkind, movie superstar and Vassar alumnus Ethan Slater ’14 will be on campus Saturday, April 5 to host a film screening for his latest box office smash hit, “Wicked Part 1,” a popular Broadway musical adapted for the screen last November. The screening, co-sponsored by the Film and Drama departments, will showcase “Wicked: Part 1” in the Vogelstein Center for Drama and Film’s Martel Theatre. Immediately following the event, attendees will enjoy a Q&A session with Slater.
In an exclusive interview with The Miscellany News, Slater dished on his process of preparing for the role of Boq, a Munchkin man from Munchkinland: “I actually spent some time at Vassar in order to prepare for my role. I lived in Jewett Tower for two weeks in the summer of ’22. It was the smallest ‘livable’ space I knew of. The rooms are actually the same dimensions as our set of Munchkinland. Living in such a cramped space was really essential to helping me get into my character’s mindset.”
Vassar On Tap will reportedly perform a “Wicked”-inspired tap dance before Vassar Home Brewed, Slater’s former a capella group, takes the stage. The group is set to open the event with a special eight-minute performance of “No One Mourns the Wicked.” Current president of Home Brewed Abigail Jean Wilson ’25 divulged that the prep work leading up to the event has been immense: “We’ve been rehearsing most hours of the day, many of which we spend on Zoom with Ethan. He’s been incredibly responsive—he’s really big on sending GIFs into our group chat.”
Slater’s partner Ariana Grande, also an actress, most known for her portrayal of Cat Valentine in Nickelodeon’s hit show “Sam & Cat,” starred alongside Slater in
“Wicked.” Grande said in an interview with The Miscellany News, “I can’t imagine ‘Wicked’ ever being made without Ethan. He truly stole the show in his little sweater vest. I used to think God was a woman but then I met Ethan.” Grande was originally set to accompany Slater to the lecture but was unable to afford a ticket. The College opted to partner with Ticketmaster to sell tickets for the event, with each ticket costing several thousand dollars. The hefty fee was deemed a “necessary evil” in order to adjust for rampant inflation—an issue that uniquely affects institutions with endowments over a billion dollars. The price of admission will “continue to provide competitive salaries and benefits to the faculty and staff who deliver the educational programs, extracurricular activities, services and campus life that distinguish the Vassar experience and prepare students for careers and excellence in the world,” according to an email released by the administration. Director of the Vassar Film Studies Program and Professor Greta Gerwick said of the intention for the event, “Our department really wanted to create a safe space for Vassar community members to process, evaluate and engage with the movie ‘Wicked.’ We’ve seen a lot of students, faculty and staff members hold space for the film so it is our intention with this event to do the same.” Drama Professor Emmanuel Miranda chimed in, “Not only to hold space for ‘Wicked,’ but for Ethan Slater in particular. He was Spongebob Squarepants, for Christ’s sake. That is a tremendous cultural and anthropological weight to carry.”
At the behest of the Media Studies Department, the film screening will be paused at five-minute intervals for students to reflect on the media they have just consumed, in an effort to diverge from the confines of traditional film screenings where a movie is played uninterrupted. The film’s runtime is expected to be around
495 minutes, a 200 percent increase in duration.
Economics major and benchwarmer for the men’s soccer team Mikey White ’28 shared with The Miscellany News, “I don’t really know anything about ‘Wicked,’ but from an economic point of view, it’s really something to marvel at. The film is literally the highest-grossing film adaptation of a Broadway musical, ever. Like, it beat ‘Mamma Mia!’ and that movie had Meryl Streep ’71. It’s safe to say that Ethan Slater is the new Meryl, at least in the eyes of Vassar students.” Streep did not respond to repeated requests for comment. White added, “I’m not an expert, but I don’t think there’s a person alive today that would disagree that ‘Wicked’ would have grossed a billion dollars if they had given Slater more screen time.”
To conserve the integrity of the work, the department has a strict “No-sing-along policy.” Any student that attempts to sing along to one of the 12 songs in “Wicked: Part 1” will be escorted off the Vogelstein premises. Gerwick asserted, “This is not the place to experiment with your vocal range. You can do that on your own time, not Ethan Slater’s. If I see someone so much as mouth the lyrics to ‘Defying Gravity,’ I will call the ResLife Director and ensure their Vassar College Residence portal will automatically place them with their freshman year roommate indefinitely.”
The policy has caused significant controversy among students. For some Vassar students, this rule was the straw that broke the camel’s back. Bailey Tracy ’27, a drama and music double major and member of Vassar College Choir, the Vassar Devils, Woodshed Theater Troupe, Future Waitstaff of America and Knitwits, expressed frustration with this event policy: “Normally, I would jump at the chance to see a Broadway legend give a once-in-a-lifetime talk at Vassar, but I have serious concerns
about not being allowed to sing during the movie. I sang when I saw it in theaters. Why can’t I sing in the comfort of my own college viewing party? ‘Dancing Through Life’ is literally my alarm in the morning.” She added, “Not only is this cruel and unusual punishment, it could have potentially catastrophic consequences on the trajectory of my career; I could have been scouted by Ethan himself.”
Carina Cole ’26 [Disclaimer: Cole is a Senior Editor for The Miscellany News] announced she would boycott Vassar graduation if Slater was not selected as the commencement speaker for next year. “He’s the obvious choice. That divalicious sponge is the only man for the job.”
Sarah McNeil Humanities Student
Sarah McNeil Arianator
Berk Meral/The Miscellany News.
Annie McShane/The Miscellany News.
Gordon Commons to become food poisoning museum
Beginning in the Fall 2025 semester, Vassar will launch the process of ending dining operations at Gordon Commons, frequently referred to as the Deece, in anticipation of the building’s conversion to a museum investigating the history of food poisoning at Vassar. Due to the immensity of the project, administrators expect the museum will not open until Spring 2032. Heading the project is acclaimed food poisoning historian Mike Stumakurtz, whose appointment indicates the College’s high expectations for the museum. In a recent interview, Stumakurtz commented on the length of the project: “Honestly, the seven-year deadline is pushing it. Just cataloguing the sheer number of cases that have originated from this building will probably take my team and I upwards of 15 years. Could be two decades, quite frankly. I’ve been working on the history of food poisoning since before ’Nam and I’ve never seen anything this bad.”
The museum will keep Gordon Commons’ physical structure largely intact to create an interactive experience for visitors as they pass through each exhibit, which will be spaced to roughly correspond with the current food stations such as Home, Stocks and The Global Kitchen. Resident District Manager for Bon Appétit Stephen Scardina explained, “We really want visitors to the museum to feel like they are students facing the trials and tribulations of Gordon Commons. To make the exhibits most effective, we want to accurately recreate the visceral fear of being forced to eat chicken that has been sitting uncovered on an open counter for upwards of half a day. We at Bon Appétit felt the best way to achieve that was to preserve the carefully cultivated feng shui of Gordon Commons as it stands today.”
The museum will aim to provide visitors with a comprehensive history of the most important food poisoning events at Vassar Col-
lege. As visitors enter, they will be directed to an exhibit about one of Vassar’s first major food poisoning incidents. In November 1897, 60 students were sent to the infirmary after consuming improperly cooked veal. Head of Special Collections and College Historian Ronald Patkus said, “The 1897 Veal Incident is an incredibly important moment in Vassar history. After only three decades of operations, the College managed to give 60 students food poisoning from a single meal! Most colleges have never hit numbers like that. That, to me, shows that Vassar truly is an independent, coeducational, residential liberal arts college in the scenic Hudson Valley.”
Where The Farmer’s Table once stood will be a plaque memorializing students who contracted scurvy due to a lack of available fresh fruits. In what one student described as extremely poor taste, a Jolly Roger flag will fly above the plaque, emblazoned with the words “Ahoy, Matey!” Stumakurtz explained, “We just thought people maybe didn’t know what scurvy was, so we figured a pirate reference would be useful.”
The crowning achievement of the museum will be an exhibit celebrating foods that have poisoned the most students, spanning from Oasis to Kosher. Mac and cheese takes third place. Emily Beige ’27 commented, “I remember once I was extremely cross-faded and thought that the Deece mac and cheese was the most delicious thing that had ever graced my lips. I kept telling everyone I saw that they absolutely had to try it. A shocking number of them did, either because of my incredible charisma or because tears were streaming down my face as I implored them just to take a bite. If I remember correctly, I kept calling it ‘the ambrosia of the gods.’” A cloudy look passed over Beige’s eyes. “That was a treacherous night for me,” she remembered. “I felt like the eastern coast of California during the Big One. I swear to God there were nuclear fissures tearing me apart.” Beige added, “I believe
77 people got food poisoning from that single batch of mac and cheese.”
Second place is chicken, just in general. Multiple students described cutting into a piece of chicken only to find most of the interior a bright, deeply uncooked pink. Sam O’Nella ’25 described, “Once, I bit into a piece of Butter Chicken Concept—which, by the way, was just chicken cooked in butter—and that shit was frozen. I mean really frozen: I chipped a tooth.” The Miscellany News visually confirmed that O’Nella was, in fact, missing a significant portion of his left front tooth, causing him to whistle a little as he spoke.
Easily first place is the bang bang shrimp pizza, with a whopping 2,741 cases. No students were willing to speak about their experiences with Deece shellfish consumption. In response to a request for comment, one student sent a terse email that read, “The bang bang shrimp pizza is the reason I have been in therapy for the last three years. My family curses that pizza to this day. Please never contact me again.” Another student broke down in tears immediately upon hearing the words “bang bang.”
In light of such life-altering experiences, the Boobth near The Global Kitchen will be converted into a private therapy space for those adversely affected by Deece food poisoning. Dean of Student Living and Wellness Luis Inoa explained, “In these difficult times, we just really want to emphasize the importance of creating safe spaces for those who feel they have been harmed by something that may have occurred here.”
A previous pop-up therapy tent after the Mac and Cheese Debacle was poorly received by some students. Sarah McNeil ’25 [Disclaimer: McNeil is a News Editor for The Miscellany News] said, “When I arrived for my appointment, which I had to schedule 17 weeks in advance, I was met by the most ancient therapy dog I had ever seen in my life. Her name was Gingerpie, she was 24 years old, her hair
was falling off in large clumps and she was very visibly incontinent. I know she was supposed to console me but when that sandpaper tongue of hers touched my trembling, sweaty palm, I vomited everywhere. If Gingerpie shows up at the Boobth, I’m going to fucking lose it.”
Original plans to turn Coffee and Sweets into a gift shop selling foods that have never poisoned any students were scrapped because of limited options. Scardina reported, “It was literally just the peanut butter and jelly sandwiches from Express. We burn the shit out of those burgers at The Grill but somehow they still got a couple of poor bastards.”
A new dining hall will be built on the Preserve starting in Spring 2025. President Elizabeth Bradley wrote in an email to The Miscellany News: “We’ve been trying for years to construct buildings that will be universally hated as a way to build community on campus, such as the Institute for the Liberal Arts and the new admissions building. We hope we will finally succeed by putting the dining hall as physically far from everything else as possible.”
Julian Balsley American Veal Association Member
Natalie Sang/The Miscellany News.
Annie McShane/The Miscellany News.
Japanese Breakfast is back to rock your world
Aurelia Harrison Guest Columnist
It has been an awesome few months for indie rock. Everyone—from flipturn to Sam Fender—has been dropping albums, but the release I had marked on my Google Calendar for months was Japanese Breakfast’s fourth studio album: “For Melancholy Brunettes (& sad women).” It would have been pretty disastrous for me—and by extension, my loved ones—if this album had been bad. Good news: It was fantastic. From the production to the vocals to the lyrics, “For Melancholy Brunettes (& sad women)” is 32 minutes and 22 seconds of musical excellence.
If there is one thing Japanese Breakfast never misses on, it is an album cover. The cover of “For Melancholy Brunettes” features lead singer and primary songwriter Michelle Zauner with her head in her arms, surrounded by a decadent feast and the album name scrawled in white cursive above her. It looks like a modern Renaissance painting: tragic, compelling and beautiful all at once. Visually, it is much more similar to their second album cover, “Soft Sounds from Another Planet,” than the bright yellows of their third album, “Jubilee.” In terms of thematic callbacks to their earlier work, this parallel is no accident.
Production-wise, “For Melancholy Brunettes” may be Japanese Breakfast’s best work yet. In the past, the band has proven their ability to balance the acoustic and electronic with finesse, and this album is no exception. Their command of dynamics is striking, bringing melodies to sweeping crescendos and gently pulling them back into moments of near-silence seamlessly. Historically, Japanese Breakfast has been a firmly indie rock band with roots in the DIY scene. This remains
true, but this record stands out as particularly unconstrained by the label “indie rock.” From guitar lines and swinging drum beats that are almost derivative of country to sparkling synthesizer rhythms, “For Melancholy Brunettes” is expansive.
What I loved most about this album were the flourishes strewn throughout. These songs are sonically overflowing, adorned by bells chiming, hissing whispers and far-off synth riffs that are almost orchestral in quality. They also get orchestral in the literal sense: Look to the rising strings section in “Orlando in Love” for a deeply compelling example, or the dark piano of “Honey Water.” Japanese Breakfast has a finely tuned ability to know the difference between full and crowded in a song, delivering catchy and experimental tracks like “Mega Circuit” and “Picture Window” to arrestingly beautiful ballads like “Leda” and “Here is Someone.” Do not get me wrong, the album has weaker points (sorry, “Men in Bars”), but this is a work that is made better by interactions between its component parts. The songs are great on their own, but made that much more interesting and rewarding by experiencing them as an album.
Thematically, we are far from the bright exuberance of their previous album, “Jubilee.” “For Melancholy Brunettes” returns back to the more heartbreaking themes of previous Japanese Breakfast albums, but in a very different way. Zauner is the band’s primary songwriter, and much of her earlier music deals with her mother’s premature death from breast cancer, alongside broader themes of transformation, sexuality and memory. Here, Zauner takes a poet’s eye to the ever-human feelings of inadequacy and longing for more. From “Honey Water,” where she mourns the transgressions of an unfaithful
partner, to the slow-dance of “Winter in LA,” where she laments not being able to soften herself, this is an album rich with shortcomings.
Zauner also gets literary on this album. “Leda” is named for Helen of Troy’s egg-laying mother in Greek mythology, while “Orlando in Love” and “Magic Mountain” take their names from books by Virginia Woolf and Thomas Mann respectively. If the literary references feel surprising from an indie rock band, remember that frontwoman Michelle Zauner is not only a musician, but also the bestselling author of the memoir “Crying in H-Mart.” There, Zauner tells the story of her mother’s death, intertwined with her own struggle with her Korean identity and culture. One summer, I read it at my bookstore job—it deserves every bit of hype that it gets, but I did feel bad about all the weeping I did in front of the customers.
Previously, Zauner’s lyrics have been imbued with an overwhelming grief toward her mother. On this album, she brings her father into the conversation. “Little Girl” and “Leda” are the most prominent examples. Written from the perspective of an estranged alcoholic father and the daughter he left behind, respectively, these companion tracks are an exploration of mutual grief and the difficulties of someone never quite being who you need them to be. Zauner discusses her father in “Crying in H-Mart:” She describes him as being avoidant in the wake of her mother’s death, a white man struggling to connect to his daughter and her very real need to keep her mother alive through her Korean heritage. This theme of the father-daughter dynamic kept coming back for me as I listened to this album. “Men in Bars,” featuring Jeff Bridges is, on the surface, a song about a failed
romance, but it could just as easily be a duet between a father and daughter who are at opposite ends of an insurmountable emotional distance. I like this interpretation better, as I am not sure I buy Jeff Bridges’ voice as the voice of Michelle Zauner’s lover.
For me, the thesis of this album is desire, a hope that things will be different accompanied by the knowledge that this hope may be an impossibility. Shortcoming and wanting are deeply intertwined: The pain of distance from a parent comes from the fact that you are always hoping for them to be what you need to be one day, and the pain of coming up short with your lover comes from the fact that you find yourself hoping that one day you might be enough. On “For Melancholy Brunettes,” Zauner hopes for so much, but it is not hope in the bright and shiny way we usually conceptualize it to be. It is marred by fear and anxiety and trauma—but in the end it is still hope, tentative hope.
Comparing and contrasting music genres in the Caribbean
In a world where songs are quickly made viral by their use in short-form content like Instagram reels, I believe it is relevant to compare and contrast various genres to understand the origins and nuances of the music. Specifically, genres from the Caribbean are just now breaking into the United States market, where the differences between them can often be overlooked or misunderstood. Within the past few years, the global mainstream music charts have become increasingly diverse, as artists like Puerto Rican rapper and singer Bad Bunny make their way to the top. Most recently, the release from prison of Jamaican dancehall singer Vybz Kartel also sparked widespread attention as he scheduled his first two concerts in Jamaica and New York. The demand for the latter was so overwhelming that the singer opened a second date in Brooklyn’s Barclays Center.
Culture and music in the Caribbean are heavily influenced by colonial history. The African slave trade brought influence to Cuba, Jamaica, Guyana and Puerto Rico, to name a few, and out of this, Afro-Caribbean music and identity was born. Further, indentured servants from East India influenced the development of the West Indies—Guyana and Trinidad and Tobago. Spanish colonization also contributed to the development of the region, especially via language dominance in places like Cuba and Puerto Rico. The fusion of cultures produced various musical adaptations, such as reggaeton, soca and chutney music. The following list highlights a few genres from my weekly listening rotation that I have recently noticed in the global mainstream as well.
Reggaeton
Reggaeton is arguably the most popular modern Caribbean music genre, oftentimes characterized as a mix of Caribbean dancehall and hip-hop rhythms and traditional Latin
sounds. Puerto Rican star Daddy Yankee is often credited with the genre’s recognition on an international level, owing the spotlight to hits like “Gasolina” and “Lo Que Pasó, Pasó.” Most recently, stars like Bad Bunny, Karol G and Feid have continued to bring reggaeton into the international scene via albums like “Un Verano Sin Ti,” “Mañana Será Bonito” and “FERXXOCALIPSIS,” respectively. “Moscow Mule” and “Me Porto Bonito” are two of the most recognizable songs from “Un Verano Sin Ti” and are representative of a classic reggaeton beat. Similarly, “Mañana Será Bonito” from the album of the same name and “CLASSY 101” from “FERXXOCALIPSIS” are popular examples of the current sounds of the genre.
Salsa
Particularly amongst dancers, salsa music is widely recognizable—a classic example being “Vivir Mi Vida” by Marc Anthony. A fusion of Puerto Rican and Cuban musical elements, typical salsa rhythm features hand drums and other handheld percussion instruments, as well as horns. This year, Bad Bunny’s record topping “Debí Tirar Más Fotos” (“DTMF”) features the salsa hit “Baila Inolvidable.” The artist’s most experimental album yet, “DTMF” blends modern attributes, like sounds particular to reggaeton, with traditional music. “Baila Inolvidable,” specifically, starts with futuristic synth sounds, before leveraging horns and a spoken interlude to transition into the salsa beat.
Dancehall
Typical to rotations of Caribbean party music, dancehall is a lively genre characterized by electronic “riddims” backing an artist rapping over the sounds. A recent viral trend involves people from non-Caribbean, atypical island
nations dancing to the ever-popular song “So Mi Like It” by Spice. The aforementioned Vybz Kartel is considered one of the greats in this genre, having released much of his modern discography while in jail. His most popular song is “Fever” from his appropriately titled album “King of the Dancehall.” Other popular singles include “Clarks,” “Romping Shop” and “Summer Time.” Soca
Another energetic but lesser-known genre is soca, where calypso and Jamaican dancehall are combined with East Indian rhythms— soca comes from West Indian countries like Trinidad and Tobago. Dubbed the king of soca, Machel Montano’s extensive discography features hits like “Fast Wine,” “Play Harder” and “Super Soca” with Vybz Kartel. “Party Done” with Angela Hunte is another frequently played tune that is used to signal the end of a function. Another soca bigwig, Kes, recently released “Cocoa Tea”—sure to be the song of the summer, as it climbs Caribbean charts. Chutney
Perhaps the least popular genre on this list, chutney combines traditional East Indian folk sounds with calypso sounds and English words. The key difference between soca and chutney is that the latter contains significantly more East Indian influence, whereas the former holds heavy influences from a majority of Caribbean genres. Considered the father of chutney, Sundar Popo’s “Don’t Fall In Love” is a classic example of this genre. In the modern day, Ravi B dominates the chutney scene with songs like “Rum Is Meh Lover” and “Start Over.” Music in the Caribbean is as diverse as its people, and understanding the variations between genres and encourage exploration.
Image courtesy of Racine Rieke ’28.
Maryam Bacchus Senior Editor
Image courtesy of Tait Tavolacci ’27.
Monkey business: ‘White Lotus’ finale shocks
Emma Adams and Madeleine Nicks Parker Posey Apologists
In the wee hours of Sunday, March 30, Mike White shocked the world by dropping the “White Lotus” finale a week early. Dedicated fans—like your faithful Arts editors—noticed that this week, not one, but two episodes were released. Like the excellent journalists we are, we stayed up to watch the chaos play out. Here is our recap: Firstly, Rick (Walton Goggins) and his newly non-sober friend Frank (Sam Rockwell) wind down their post-old man chair push bender and catch a flight back to the resort. Rick reunites with Chelsea (Aimee Lou Wood), and Frank settles in nicely on their pull-out couch. Taking a walk around the resort, Frank finds himself immersed in the nature of the hotel and befriends a curious monkey. He has a sit-down with the monkey, explaining to them the highs and lows of his life—a riveting tale we all heard in episode six. Yet, instead of preaching the joys of a sober lifestyle, he introduces the monkeys to the joys of recreational drugs. The monkeys take his story to heart. They have been watching copious drug usage by the hotel guests and have an inkling as to where the good stuff is hidden. But more on that later…
Belinda (Natasha Rothwell), however, misses all the action; being the only sensible person to ever grace a White Lotus hotel, she takes her new man and gets on the next flight back home. She lives peacefully and never hears from Greg again.
Greg (Jon Gries), scared of being ousted by Belinda, dumps Chloe (Charlotte Le Bon), gets a hair transplant, starts his life over again in small-town Idaho with his nephew, dabbles in the medical field and befriends a llama. We’re personally hoping he tries some therapy for his deep-rooted familial issues.
Back at the hotel, Laurie (Carrie Coon)
and Kate (Leslie Bibb) enjoy their last breakfast, chomping down on their daily serving of buffet fruit. They decide they are done dealing with Jaclyn’s (Michelle Monaghan) vanity and sneak into her room while she is still asleep. With a pair of scissors and a blind rage, they chop off her luscious locks into a cunty bob. Their shared bob-ness transcends the drama, political tension and cheating treachery they have endured. Leaving Thailand with a fresh cut, the girls rejoice in their rekindled friendship.
When we left off in episode seven, Piper (Sarah Catherine Hook) was having a little trouble getting to sleep. Looking for some comfort, she turns back to her freakish little brother, Lochlan (Sam Nivola). In a moment of vulnerability, Lochlan confesses to his behavior from episode six and, appalled, Piper suggests he go seek some help from the monastery’s resident monk. After their very enlightening conversation, Lochlan metaphorically touches grass and physically touches sand and takes to the seas with a Thai rowing team, where he can paddle his troubles away. This plotline is reminiscent of Season one, where a young boy with similarly freakish energy abandons his rich family in pursuit of the ocean.
On the other hand, Piper, much like her mother, was not built for an uncomfortable life. The dripping pipe in the monastery was just too much for her to handle. She adopts the lifestyle of Chloe’s local friends and meets her own rich, older, very bald man escaping tax fraud in America and gets hitched. But don’t worry, she loves him. No really, she does.
As for Saxon (Patrick Swarzenegger), he reclaims his phone from the very high-security envelope jail and calls the office. After the employees reveal his father’s indiscretions, Saxon quickly calls the police and begs to be spared if he cooperates. The feds begin relentlessly questioning him as to the company’s crimes. But poor Saxon, in true nepo
baby fashion, has no clue what his father’s company actually does. Viewers realize he has never actually worked a day in his life— or even stepped foot into the office. Once the FBI rules him out as an accomplice, or even an employee, they let him go free. With no trust fund left and plagued with recurring nightmares about his little brother, Saxon embarks on a wellness journey—he is still trying to bag Chelsea—and befriends Valentin. Inspired by his career, Saxon takes a job at White Lotus Aspen, where he will be a central character in the next season. That is what we were all hoping for, right?
Meanwhile, the monkeys seek the enlightenment Frank has found in recreational drug use. Sneaking into Timothy Ratliff’s (Jason Issac) private stores, they strike gold: lorazepam. When Timothy awakens and finds his treasured lorazepam gone, he descends into madness (serious withdrawal). In a fit of insanity, drenched in sweat (from the serious withdrawals), he defiles the Duke shirt one last time, ripping it to shreds and revealing on his chest a large UNC Chapel Hill tattoo—the ultimate betrayal. Fleeing Timothy’s room high on lorazepam, the monkeys snatch the gun from Gaitok’s (Tayme Thapthimthong) hip holster and fire a few practice shots at the range
before taking to the trees and engaging in a classic monkey shooting spree. In the chaos, Victoria (Parker Posey) tragically dies. As her life flashes before her eyes, she is suddenly transported back to her vision of the tsunami. Except this time, the waves calm down and out of the shorebreak appears the ghost of Tanya (Jennifer Coolidge). Kindred spirits in Mike White multiverse, Tanya beckons her to join the fleet of icons who have succumbed to the “White Lotus” curse.
In a last-ditch attempt to have the monkeys step away from violence and see reason, Fabian (Christian Friedel), the hotel manager, finally conquers his stage fright and calms them down with another performance of his original German musical stylings. Much like the band on the Titanic, he is going down with the ship and singing through the devastation.
In the aftermath of the shooting, Gaitok gets fired. Rightfully so. Mook (Lalisa Manobal) is disgusted by Gaitok’s weakness and overall stupidity and leaves him. Clearly realizing there were not enough gay people this season, Mike White gives us one final surprise: Mook and Chelsea belong together. After quickly realizing their signs are more compatible, Chelsea leaves Rick to be with Mook.
White Lotus Thailand is unable to survive the relentless murder scandals and is officially shut down. With the monkeys running loose on their lorazepam-induced rampage, the resort can no longer revive its reputation. But never fear, because Mike White is taking the next season back to the States with White Lotus Aspen. Outfitted with custom Kemosabe hats, the likes of Kevin Costner, David Cross, Lori Loughlin and Ayo Edebiri grace the slopes. With a perfect blend of luxury snow suits, endless flight delays, hot skiing instructors and ill-fated wealthy family dynamics, Aspen is sure to deliver another season of mustwatch television.
Grace Finke/The Miscellany News.
Interviews with gargoyles: chatting with residents
Depop.”
According to Vassar College Library’s online catalogue of Gargoyles and Grotesques (yes, it exists and you can find it on the digital library), 36 unique gargoyles, also known as “Grotesques,” adorn Thompson Memorial Library. In the catalogue, they are each identified by their own mix of dragon, mammal and avian features and relative physical locations. But what about their personalities, thoughts or feelings? What do they have to say about their time on the Vassar campus, or the reduction of their identities to a series of brief “abstracts”? As longtime residents, they deserve their moment in The Miscellany News’ spotlight. So, I have reached out to some of my favorites (not without burning bridges with the 32 remaining others), and even received a statement from two that inhabit one of Vassar’s other gothic buildings (hint: it rhymes with mushing), to express the true characters beneath their apparently petrified facades.
Catalogue Description: “On southern wall of western arm, second from west [location: C7] / Abstract: Profile, facing left; dragon with serpentine, scaled body, dragon wings”
Preferred Name: Gerald
Favorite Section of the Library: The Art Library, or the costume collection housed in Vogelstein.
Gerald, as he has requested to be called, has been posted up at one of the library’s drain pipes since 1905—when the library was first constructed—and explains he has always had the eyes and ears for a good trend. “I can see right through your messenger bags, I’ve witnessed those come and go about four times now. They are no different from the leather satchels that were seen as ‘gross’ and ‘old’ when backpacks made their debut on campus,” explained Gerald. “Plus, I can tell many of you bought them marked up on
When asked his thoughts on the digital catalogue, he said, “I appreciate someone has taken the time to give us space in Vassar history, but frankly, I don’t appreciate the aesthetic connotations of the word ‘grotesque.’ In the past, it was understood to be the technical term for the works of art we truly are, but for a while now, I understand it has come to mean ‘ugly.’ I, for one, am not ugly. My scales are always in style. I can not say the same of Lapidarius.”
Catalogue Description: “At top of front (east) wall, fourth from southeast corner [location: B4] / Abstract: Projecting; crocodile; grid pattern on body”
Preferred Name: Lapidarius
Favorite Section of the Library: The Basement
Lapidarius is a self-proclaimed film noir buff and fan of all spaces that are poorly lit, as they are easier on the eyes. “My favorite film would have to be the more recent ‘Cast a Deadly Spell.’ I appreciate its gargoyle representation, albeit slightly antagonizing,” said Lapidarius. “We didn’t always have movies, you know. I’d like to think of myself as a forward thinker, unlike good ol’ Les.” As for where Lapidarius can be found on most weekends, he prefers the basement cubicles or dark spaces between the moving shelves of the film section—away from the prying eyes of the student body of course.
Lapidarius also used to frequent “Matthew’s Bean,” a student-run coffee shop located in the basement that has been closed since 2018. “I’ve seen a lot in my day, and sometimes it is nice to relax with a warm drink and a nice film from our collection,” Lapidarius commented. “It is a shame the basement coffee shop closed. The Brew’s location in The Bridge is much too bright and much too far away. If the students were interested, I would be first in line for the petition to bring ‘Matthew’s Bean’ back to the library basement.”
Lapidarius also claims to have been close friends with alum Meryl Streep ’71 during her time on campus. The Miscellany News reached out to Streep for confirmation, but has yet to hear back.
Catalogue Description: “On southern wall of western arm, farthest west [location: C8] / Abstract: Projecting; lion head; eagle wings and feet; rear legs”
Preferred Name: Alfred
Favorite Section of the Library: The Music Library, located in Skinner Hall
Alfred enjoys long flights across the quad over summer break and listening to classical music in some of Skinner’s listening classrooms. “I would prefer phonograph as a listening medium, but I understand that is harder to come by in today’s day and age. Vinyl is an acceptable alternative, but never CD or digital. The sound quality simply does not live up to par,” he explained.
Alfred also loves hearing the sound of The Chapel bells on bright mornings, but hates hearing students talk in the quiet sections of the library through nearby windows, especially on busy evenings before finals week or midterms. “Students have been talking where it is supposed to be quiet for ages,” said Alfred. “Yes, I can hear you chatting in there about your trips to Puerto Rico and spring break haircuts. You are not special. Shush.”
Alfred expressed he would be willing to give up the secret of the Gordon Commons Flood of 2024 in exchange for Chopin’s Nocturne No. 20 on vinyl.
Catalogue Description: “At corner of northern and western arms [location: C13] / Abstract: Projecting; crocodile; grid pattern on body”.
Preferred Name: Leslie (aka “Les”)
Favorite Section of the Library: All the shelves on World War I
Les’ pet peeves include dog-eared books, students bringing food into the library, and people wearing pajamas outside of their dorm. “Students these days have lost their sense of class. The library is a sacred place. If I were facing the main entrance, they would hear a piece of my mind.”
Les is an advocate for increasing the library’s rule enforcement and has never been a fan of the 24-hour section. “The library should close at midnight, and that is that. It disturbs the residents, and if the students have not completed their work by then, that is simply a reflection of the youth’s poor time management skills. In my day, we did not have all this ease of technology to distract from our studies and we did not submit papers at any time of night or wait until the last minute before the arbitrary ‘11:59’ pm. Bah.”
Honorable Mention, not included in the Vassar Catalogue:
Preferred Name(s): The Cushing Twins, Lisa and Frederick
Favorite Section of the Library: N/AThe Cushing Parlor
“First off, we would like to address the fact that we are not included in the catalogue of ‘grotesques’ of the library. Vassar should make it its priority to record all gargoyles, regardless of their location and proximity to the library, for their historical and artistic importance. We are too often forgotten, much like our resident dorm, and deserve more respect and recognition for what we add to Vassar’s overall exterior aesthetics. Though we may be younger than our library relatives, we contribute something special to campus that is absent in most other buildings, not to mention dorms, at Vassar,” the twins commented in a joint statement to the Misc. “Speaking of which, we are sick of staring at Noyes. Please update or renovate that eyesore. Maybe add more trees to block our view, at least. It is killing Cushing’s vibe.”
Sydney Jones Historian of Gargoyle Studies
Gerald (top) and Alfred (bottom). Images courtesy of Amy Laughlin.
Lapidarius (top) and Leslie aka “Les” (bottom). Images courtesy of Steven Taylor.
Sydney Jones/The Miscellany News.
‘Boy’s Trip’: Vance’s vacation made it out of the group chat
plete with all the trappings of an Ottoman palace: the symbolic red hats, “harem of Slavic Wives” and gilded everything
A round of smoothed over coconuts is passed around the table, spilling spiked Piña Colada blend over the tiled poolside. Tropical fruits, Corinthian columns and little toothpick umbrellas span across the courtyard of Mar-a-Lago as far as the eye can see. “Boys trip?” A simple message followed by a succession of emojis—palm tree, bikini, water droplets—recently leaked in a second round of Signal chat messages involving high-ranking officials from the Trump administration.
In contrast with the attack plans previously sent in the same chat (and shared to the world by The Atlantic’s Editor-in-chief on March 26, 2025), this text thread appears deceptively innocent. Other than the prospect of Vice President Vance poolside in a red, white and blue Speedo, what could be the harm of an island vacation funded exclusively by taxpayer dollars? If I’ve learned anything from watching “The White Lotus” for the last few weeks, it’s that the three-person trip of disillusioned 40-somethings is bound to end in disaster. This simple query represents a sun-drenched medley of political intrigue, fragile masculinity, and good ol’ group chat drama.
Before I unpack the events of the “boy’s trip,” let me first set the stage. Mar-a-Lago: a luxurious getaway for the überrich and chronically coked-out 1 percent nestled in the heart of Palm Beach, Florida. A garrish chimera of Spanish colonial architecture with Versailles-level amounts of faux gold crown moulding, Mar-a-Lago is the seat of President Trump’s proverbial empire—com-
For years, Mar-a-Lago has been a hub for Fortune 500 CEOs, politicos, celebrities and well-to-do Palm Beachers to unwind. After Trump’s rise to power in 2016, Mar-a-Lago became a Mecca for MAGA enthusiasts, with countless throngs of the president’s supporters making the pilgrimage to Palm Beach County in the following 5 years. I had the extreme pleasure of growing up in the shadow of Trump’s golden ego, and thus had the perfect vantage point to verify the contents of the leaked Signal conversation between Trump’s senior staff.
On Saturday, March 29, Pete Hegseth, Secretary of Defense, Mike Walz, National Security Advisor and JD Vance, Vice President of the United States, landed at Palm Beach International Airport clad in a tropical blend of flamingo bermuda shorts, Loro Piana mules, and straw sun hats. In a fleet of black Escalades, they descended upon Mara-Lago like vultures. “I met [them] out at dinner one day,” reported an anonymous Ocean Club member at the luxury resort. “A very strange group. They wouldn’t stop arguing about this war or that. Like an old married couple—or throuple in this case.” According to witnesses vacationing alongside the men, heated dinner conversation topics included a wide variety of information that ranged from slightly sensitive to highly classified. War plans in the Middle East, planned coups across South America and designs for American territorial expansion were all discussed in varied detail between “The Boy’s” trips to the beach, masseuse and poolside tarot card reader—according to Holistic
Hayleigh, soothsayer, hot yoga instructor and native Palm Beacher, the fates foretell years of homoerotic tension and sexual frustration in the men’s future.
In recent years, leaked private messages have become a frequent topic of conversation in the American political landscape. Whether it’s Hillary’s leaked emails in the 2016 election or recently dropped encrypted chats, these communications provide a behind-the-scenes look at the unfiltered attitudes, biases and decision-making processes of public figures.
So, what do these specific leaked “boys trip” messages and first-hand accounts of sensitive information tell us about the broader landscape of political power in 2025? At a time when the public is increasingly aware of the sometimes sinister machinations unfolding in whispers behind the curtains of American politics, these small leaks serve as a reminder of the “human”
side of political figures—one where relaxation and humor juxtapose plans for bloody conquest and a blatant disregard for actual humanity. They underscore the tension between personal indulgence and public responsibility that the Trump administration is known for.
The “boys trip” exchange, as innocuous as it may seem, speaks volumes about the atmosphere at Mar-a-Lago and in the US at large. In the “Southern White House,” a place where the highest stakes of American governance intersect with sun-drenched cabanas and beach-themed drinks, deals are made not just over stately dinner tables or office desks, but also in the informal, offthe-cuff emoji chains that somehow shape political history. Vice President Vance himself provided the perfect quote to summarize the trajectory of American democracy in the context of this current framework: flame emoji.
‘Saving Us’: A cure for climate change
Reading articles, novels, stories and textbooks for various classes is routine for us Vassar students. It seems as though regardless of what class you take, there is an accompanying reading due for the next lecture. Although we may find some texts difficult to get through, I am certain we all have that one book or article that sticks with us long after finishing it. For me, this book is “Saving Us” by Katherine Hayhoe, an atmospheric climate scientist whose research focuses on the effects of climate change on society.
I was introduced to the novel in my Environmental Studies 107 class, Global Change and Sustainability. I can not deny that when I saw the book on the schedule, I was appalled to see a 320-page book assigned for next week’s lecture, despite my professor’s multiple reminders to begin the novel early. To say that I began reading the book with a sense of dread and stress was an understatement—I went into it with a closed mind, rushing to finish it. However, it was difficult to read with disinterest. Early in the non-fiction book, I saw my worries regarding climate change being addressed. It was as if my thoughts were being read: Why and when did the topic of climate change become so polarized? Why do some people deny proven facts? Why are some concerned but not doing anything? Above all, how can we ignite change despite living in such an environmentally despondent time?
To Hayhoe, conversation is the key to change. She explains how we are all drawn to stories and experiences; and for those who are passionate about global climate change, sharing this information feels—and undeni-
ably is—necessary. Hayhoe states that the reason why the topic of climate crisis has become so polarized in American culture stems from a fear of change; namely because so much in our society is already changing so fast, it encourages people to cling closer to the social circles they are most comfortable with. She underscores this by saying the majority of the polarization occurring between those who want to act against the climate crisis and those who deny it is emotional. She sheds light on an experiment: “When [people were asked] what they thought of an issue then told their political party thought something different about it, many immediately changed their opinions,” reemphasizing the fact that so much of this divide is an issue of emotional community. Furthermore, Hayhoe brings up that only seven percent of Americans adamantly deny that climate change is a reality. This means that the other 93 percent are either activists, believers, perhaps doubtful or disengaged. Whether or not these individuals choose to take a stand against the climate crisis, an overwhelming majority of people can agree that our Earth is changing and that the negative effects are noticeable. So then, why are people still hesitant to take action? Why are some disengaged and doubtful? It depends on individual social circles and the news, or lack thereof, that we surround ourselves with. Due to the communities we surround ourselves with, you can see why the social aspect of calling people to climate action is so important. Although issues may seem black and white, they clearly aren’t. There is a significant overlap that cuts through political boundaries. It means that we have the power to mobilize over 90 percent of Americans to do something, to get them to fight against
issues perpetuating warming, advocate for green policies and, at the very least, approach the issue with an open mind.
It would be idyllic to say that changing people’s minds is easy, though. However, it is our involvement and alignment across different communities that makes us unique individuals. We have traits and passions we share with even the most doubtful individuals: Family, occupation, hometowns, food and culture are all examples of ways we connect with people without necessarily agreeing with their viewpoints. Through these overlapping interests, we have a window of opportunity to connect with others and discuss how climate change can negatively impact what we care about and how what we value is already threatened by rising global temperatures and unpredictable environmental calamities.
Conversation with others, then, is the key to raising climate crisis awareness and action. Starting a conversation with an individual over a common interest and tying it to global warming and adjacent issues is the key to getting people to think more deeply about how climate change is altering their current lifestyle and the livelihood of the people they care most about.
Hayhoe also outlines what we should and should not aim to do in such a conversation. It is easy to get heated, distant, discouraged, angry or a mix of all when speaking with someone who can not seem to understand your viewpoint, but keep trying. This is Hayhoe’s message. She states that “No matter how carefully you prepare, there will still be conversations that don’t progress. But even some of them [...] can take an unexpected turn”. She demonstrates how to act, giving suggestions to the reader on how to approach
a conversation. First, it is crucial not to be overwhelmed with statistics. Yes, facts are concrete, undeniable sources of evidence for global warming, but numbers will mean close to nothing to a person who cares more about other factors or other data that could be used to support their opinions.The last thing we want is for someone who was open to fighting for change to feel discouraged, as if their actions would not amount to much anyway. Similarly, it is not effective to instill fear or guilt-trip the conversant, as it could increase defensiveness, vulnerability and feelings of disdain. So what are we supposed to do in this situation? Make it personal. Listen. Bond. Be hopeful and realistic. And inspire. Understand that conversations are meant to benefit both individuals, which Hayhoe emphasizes as an opportunity to grow.
“Saving Us” serves as a reminder that even one person can make a difference. Our experiences hold the power to change the future, and, despite all else, our personal effort and vigor in climate action can serve as inspiration for others. Quoting Hayhoe, “We cannot afford to be paralyzed by fear or shame. We must act, with power, love, and a sound mind. Together, we can save ourselves.”
Eduardo Culmer Not Invited :(
Lora Janczewski Guest Columnist
Tori Kim/The Miscellany News.
Tori Kim/The Miscellany News.
Wandering around campus, reminiscing about campus
Allen Hale Editor-in-chief
Vassar’s campus is pretty exquisite. It is designated as an arboretum. It features an array of stereotypically beautiful buildings. It even ambitiously declares itself as a smoke-free campus.
I am sure that students, faculty, staff, community members and others familiar with Vasssar’s space all have a shortlist of their favorite features: the Thompson Memorial Library’s Gothic style, the Shakespeare Garden’s ornate arrangement, the lush hill overlooking Sunset Lake. Or, maybe you are a philosophy major like me and feel an undue attachment to Rockefeller Hall’s dingier aspects.
As overtly pleasant as the campus might be, its cherished components can recede from one’s mind when we trudge through our daily routines. Practicality outweighs pleasantness. When speed-walking from the THs, I am not intently focused on the Residential Quad’s design or the amount of time poured into the lawns’ physical upkeep.
The spiel I once received from my tour guide rarely informs any active thoughts I form about the space I live in. Walking by the tree that was once listed as having the longest unsupported branch in the world during a blustery winter day, I only think of getting to the Retreat in time for swipe-maximization.
Over break, I returned to campus for a few days, working on senior-year projects while strolling around aimlessly; the weather had shifted into spring, my most treasured season.
Part-weather, part-senior year wistfulness, perhaps, but I began to take note of smaller details of campus I appreciated, the lesser-noticed details or areas that constitute Vassar for myself. The word “heck” etched into the concrete path between Chicago Hall and the Library, for instance, is a bit 2016 humor-wise, but not something I thought about before.
On one of the warmer days that break, I took a loop leading me to the strange bench structure before the new Observatory. Sitting upon the hill, its stand-out, makeshift assemblage has always fascinated me. Pokémon Go, a semi-trust worthy source of information, refers to it as the “Funky Stone Pavilion.” Others might just call it ugly, especially compared to the resting spots along the path to Gordon Commons. Still, this might be my ideal spot to grab a seat outdoors, exceedingly special now that I rarely go to the right of the Athletics and Fitness
Center. The pavilion does not fit with Vassar’s overarching “look,” and it is all the better for it.
I continued past the pavilion to a clearing in the tree line behind the Observatory. The spot, which was new to me, ended up being an excellent area to watch the sunset. Below me, a gentle slope filled with vegetation eventually gave way to a well-maintained walking path. The grassy opening extended into the distance, marked by tall power lines in the clearing. This split, uncanny image of man-made interventions in otherwise untouched, open land has fascinated me ever since I saw a similar location as a child. Further out, cars zoomed by on a larger road, with mountains rising into the background. Within this small window of viewing opportunity, Vassar grows openly connected to the outside world. I have long hoped to walk along some similar power lines, wherever they may take me. A saccharine suggestion, but true nonetheless.
My loop finally took me along the road below Vogelstein, after which I left for the THs. The various sculptures placed outside of the Doubleday sculpture studio and the Shiva Theater to my left always amused me; the river which continues underneath the TA bridge on my right provided a con-
trast which I always appreciated. When you throw in the Heating Plant’s cylindrical extremities and the two coolest staircases on campus—one leading steeply to the Frances Daly Fergusson Quadrangle, the other past the Jeh Vincent Johnson ALANA Cultural Center and Old Laundry Building with its exceedingly long, hanging steps—this demarcated but internally dissimilar area of campus culminates as unique gem.
The phenomenon of the pavilion’s standout nature likewise applies to the Art Library and the exit from the main Library’s 24-hour section. Built in 1937, the interior of the former—designed by architect John McAndrew—initially struck as coming straight from the ’70s; sleek, full of blues and brightly lit, contrasting with the Main Library’s stereotypically collegiate feel. This historical shift has not gone unnoticed; the Art Library has been described as arguably being the first modern interior on a college campus. In my mind, this space looks like the background settings of outdated foreign language education videos we would watch in middle school. They are vibrant, forward-thinking and modern, but always obviously from a bygone era.
The 24-hour exit likewise diverges from the main Library; I left through it for the
first time during my junior year and was shocked by the patterns on the walls. Wavy, blue patterns were situated on a green background, almost like the zany style of a zoo’s overpriced cafe.
Recalling the past during my break, memories of Blodgett Hall during freshman fall stick out to me. Between its maze-like floor plan and Skinner Hall on the opposite end of campus, I had immediately settled on my most beloved buildings as an 18-yearold. The well-known graffiti about Anthony Bourdain definitely added to the charm. But, as time went on, Chicago Hall began to emerge as strong yet visually unrelated competition. The interior, frankly, is nothing to write home about, especially when struggling with French pronunciation in the classroom. However, I grew enamored with its weirdly unusable courtyard placed in the middle, circle-filled wall, and mid-century style. My parents’ attachment to that period’s design certainly helped with familiarity, but unlike Ferry House or Noyes House, which were also built between 1951 and 1958, Chicago particularly resonates with me on a gorgeous sunny day. Its grays, tinged with orange-red detailing, compliment the surrounding greenery quite well. For fans of the 2017 film “Columbus,” the Irwin Conference Center strikes a similar chord. Eero Saarinen, the Finnish-American architect whose work is prominent in Columbus, Indiana, married Vassar graduate Aline Berstein Saarinen ’35 and designed Noyes; I personally prefer the building’s original layout, in which the half-circle was completed with a line of trees.
The physical space called “Vassar” in the broadest sense has continuously changed in my four years here. The Mug was renovated. Ballentine Field—a personally cherished location—got blasted for additional tennis courts. Off-campus properties were acquired by the College. The Inn & Institute was completed, and construction began on a new Center for Admission and Career Education.
Both for better and worse, Vassar will inevitably evolve further after I leave its self-enclosed frontiers in the spring, whether it involves large-scale undertakings or tiny visual changes. In the meantime, I am eager to have a few fresh experiences in both longtime favorite locations and newly-explored crevices of campus.
MISCELLANY NEWS | VASSAR COLLEGE
Image courtesy of Art Arden ’25.
Image courtesy of Art Arden ’25.
quidditch team stages hostile takeover of ferry house
Continued from Quidditch on page 1
can carry and just, scram. Please?”
These vicious and unforgiving words would be enough to take anyone to their knees. I myself am still shuddering just remembering what it was like to hear it relayed. I can’t even imagine what it was like to be there in person, and my heart goes out to the Ferry residents. Fear not, though; they didn’t
leave without a fight. One Ferry resident (who has chosen to remain anonymous) told me that they formed a human barricade against the advancing Quidditch team, but it was no match against the beaters and their expertly tossed, ripped foam dodgeballs.
Ferry House residents have found temporary exile in Lathrop House. In fact, two of them are sleeping on my floor right now.
Word is, they’ve been holding meetings to organize writing a strongly worded op-ed for The Miscellany News. A counterstrike is also in the works, with rumors that they plan to invoke a little-known clause of the Vassar Student Code of Conduct that forbids “fake sports-based coups.”
For now, however, the Quidditch team remains triumphant. The guy who’s also the
golden snitch can often be found standing triumphantly on Ferry’s roof, the scrotum-esque snitch thing swinging proudly in the wind (it’s a weird game), taunting any member of Ferry who dares to enter his eyeline. One can only hope that Ferry’s rightful residents are able to move back in soon, or, at the very least, that the new Quidditch frat parties are really fun and cool.
John Bradley to start ‘John-day Email’
Continued from John on page 1 high-five me before breaking out into air guitar.
“I’m really glad John is branching out and exploring his passions,” said President Bradley on the topic. “I know it’s hard to live in the shadow of your super-amazing, multitalented and uber-cool wife who also runs an entire college. Lately, his work involving the Vassar Urban Education Initiative has been taking a real toll on him. Sometimes, he’ll come home
from work at 2 a.m., put his hands on the front door and just scream for a full five minutes. Like, full-on, Laura Palmer in the Black Lodge screaming. I mean, I think it sounds lovely, but clearly, there’s something going on underneath the surface. The John-day email is the perfect way for him to let off some steam. As long as, of course, it doesn’t become more popular than the Sunday email.” PB then stared dramatically into the distance with a serious, stone-cold look as she gazed upon the
vast, fog-covered Catskill Mountains. “But that would never happen.”
However, some students are less than enthusiastic about John’s new newsletter. The frisbee team that John captains, the Herniated Discs, is concerned about John’s new priorities going forward. “DOOD!” exclaimed Pluto P. Latter. “This janky email thang is turning me into an Infuriated Disc. John’s numero uno job should be taking the Discs to semi-regional finals. My buddy Eric was saying that I should
just yoink it from him. Like straight-up mano-a-mano style.” Pluto then demonstrated a series of what appeared to be punches.
Nevertheless, the John-day email will be premiering later today or sometime this week or even this month. “My dudette, ya gotta keep ‘em guessin,” Bradley said on the matter. “John doesn’t work on a regular skedge, and neither does my tubular newsletter. Every day is John-day when you’re on Planet Z of Funness. Peace.”
PB straight-up kidnapped by swarm of bats
Wren Buehler President of the College
In a shocking turn of events that is neither precedented nor particularly relevant to pressing current events, Vassar has had to say goodbye to the president we all love to rag on. Not because she died, though—President Bradley (PB) has just been carried away by a swarm of bats, never to be seen again.
The Miscellany News’ writers are at a loss for what to do. Honestly, we were really hoping to do an article about the Department of Education budget cuts, or ongoing sensitive political topics, or maybe our ongoing investigative project on how PB is said to pour oily libations of wine-dark fluids into an altar on the Preserve. But nah, fuck that, am I right? We gotta talk about bats now, I guess.
This is the first bat incident on Vassar’s campus in almost three weeks, or six weeks if you don’t think a plague of various nocturnal creatures levied upon a TH party qualifies as a “bat incident,” which is a topic of ongoing debate in our floundering Biology Department. Unlike the previous two incidents, the bats appear to have been entirely sober, and their actions seem to have been premeditated.
The bats might have been cognizant of ongoing controversies with Vassar’s military investments. Probably not, though. Lead political analysts indicate most of New York’s bats are fairly ambivalent on the debate. Which is just great. No nuanced dis-
cussions to be had here! We here at The Miscellany News are sad to see PB go, especially because we had all
those great articles prepped. Our only hope is that the bats may someday return her to us. In the interim, we believe Vassar College
should be governed by a council of its most qualified students—like, for instance,
Wren Buehler.
Nicholas Tillinghast/The Miscellany News.
Vassar to do nothing about Noyes asbestos problem
Josie Wenner Asbestos Aware
Vassar College has announced it will do nothing about the asbestos within the walls of Noyes. The asbestos was discovered when plans were made to renovate the east side bathrooms of the dorm. Initially, the College discussed removing the asbestos but eventually decided to just leave it alone.
“This is the right thing to do for us right now,” said Dean Alamo. “We’re just not in the right headspace to be removing asbestos. We need to work on ourselves before working on Noyes. We take space and make space, and today we are making space for the asbestos.”
“Fuck the kids!” said President Bradley
when asked to comment about the asbestos situation. “I don’t have asbestos. Sounds like a skill issue.” PB immediately went back to her Fortnite game after making her statement, getting two kills and a snipe.
“I am absolutely disgusted,” said Zach Flisakowski ’27, Noyes resident. “The administration doesn’t care about us at all. I am just beginning to care for a bonsai tree, and it cannot possibly flourish in an asbestos-riddled environment,” Flisakowski said while angrily snipping at his bonsai tree.
“I don’t really mind that much,” said Maria Milovanovic ’27, Noyes resident. “It’s not that big of a deal, I guess. I’d rather have an asbestos problem than a mouse problem.
I’m so glad we got over that.” Mousephobic Milovanovic struggled during the Noyes
rodent infestation and took to leaping on tables and shrieking dramatically whenever she saw a mouse. She even considered buying a cat costume to try to frighten the mice into staying away from her but ultimately didn’t want to be mistaken for a furry. Other Noyes residents have expressed concern, fearing that the mice may become vengeful and try to set the asbestos loose on Noyes residents.
Currently, the asbestos is trapped within the walls and isn’t harmful to anyone. However, if the Vassar College Drills, Nails and Other Tools Club continues the way they do, asbestos may seep out and begin circulating throughout the building. “We have to keep making holes in the walls of Noyes,” said Sparky Hammer ’26, president of the
VCDNOTC. “It’s literally in our mission statement. We have a minimum number of holes we need to drill each month, and we’ll lose our VSA funding if we don’t keep it up.” Noyes residents are frightened for the future. “I can’t do this anymore,” said Olivia Blank ’27. “Noyes is my favorite thing in the world, but asbestos is my least favorite thing in the world, so I’m feeling really conflicted right now. This whole situation is like my medium favorite thing in the world.” Vassar administration actually hired an asbestos medium to come in and do a seance in the Noyes basement, and she confirmed that the asbestos was docile and happy to live peacefully in the walls (for now).
Here’s to an asbestos-filled Noyes. Maybe we should rebuild Franklin House.
MISCELLANY NEWS | VASSAR COLLEGE
Nicholas Tillinghast/The Miscellany News.
BREAKING NEWS
From the desk of Emma daRosa, Assistant Humor Editor
Sheep-like students become trapped following labyrinthine Deece footprint path
Vassar to debut new therapy beetles
Continued from Beetle on page 1 beetle named Ringo, “so the fact that Vassar is establishing a dedicated therapy beetle program is a huge step forward for the field.”
“Yes, yes,” he continued, unprompted. “I’m a beetle named Ringo. Very funny. Go on, make your jokes. I’ve heard it all before.
Just like the drummer. No, I’m not named after him. My parents had never even heard of the Beatles. It’s a coincidence, can’t you understand that? COINCIDENCE!”
After reassuring Ringo that The Miscellany News saw nothing funny about his sharing a name with the iconic British musician,
we asked him what he saw as the most important part of the therapy beetle program.
“I think the therapy beetle program is grounded in the knowledge that in this life, none of us can go it alone,” he said. “Whether you’re a human or a beetle, we all need people to stand by us in good times and bad
and lend us a helping hand. I, and all my colleagues in the therapy beetle program, understand that on a profound level, and we’re so excited to start sharing our passion with students.”
“I guess what I’m trying to say is, I get by with a little help from my friends.”
Dean Luis accidentally adds Misc EiC to admin group chat
Continued from EiC on page 1
PB added another message shortly, stating, “operationobliteratenewhack is on schedule for this wed 4a.m!” This message seemed to be referring to the much-maligned Studio Art building, New Hackensack, commonly abbreviated “New Hack,” which sits on the far south side of campus. This message was a shock to me, as no plans from the administration had been released about obliterating the building, though one could imagine plans for a new art building based on New Hackensack’s brittle condition.
A user named DJ, likely Grounds Manager Dean Jaeger, replied, “Yayyyy. Have not blasted anything for two years now. Feelin’ antsy.”
Another user, CAP, likely Dean of the College, Carlos Alamo-Pastrana, replied, “IDK PB, It’s the middle of the semester. It would put a real strain on those art students. Could we push this off for two months?” This identity was pretty much confirmed in a reply that came in minutes later. “No, Dean of the College, Carlos Alamo-Pastrana, this CANNOT wait. I asked one of those lame-a studio art majors to draw a quick portrait of me when they were at one of my fancy dinners and they were like, Sorry, I got an essay due tonight???? Really??? After I served you pumpkin soup??? You can’t DRAW me? Their classes can rot in the basement of Blodgett for the rest of time for all I care.”
CAP replied, “It will be done.” A few more brief messages were exchanged that day, none of which acknowledged my presence in the chat.
About a day went by without any new chats. I anxiously awaited the validity of operationobliteratenewhack. Then, late Monday night, a new message appeared: “Does anybody else think the freshman class is, like, really lame this year?” added user DM.
PB replied, “No.”
PB then added. “They are always lame.”
DJ then chimed in with a video of a Key and Peele sketch called “Text Message Confusion.” DJ added, “This is so funny!!!” This message got three thumbs-ups.
User DL then chimed in with his own Key and Peele sketch video, “Boarding a Plane Shouldn’t Be This Hard,” followed by, “This one is really good too!” This message only got one thumbs-up.
The chats did not resume until early Tuesday afternoon at 2 p.m., twelve hours before the obliteration, when a user named JD chimed in. At first, I thought this might be Dean Jager with his initials flipped for some reason, but then I read his message: “Yo wazzzzzzzzzzzzapppppp. It’s me, J.D. Vance, ya’ll’s favorite vice-vice-president. Sorry I haven’t been chatting. Had the chat muted last week. Wuz doing bizness stuf… Best of luck with your bombing. Praying super duper hard for a #VassarVictory.” He also added a snap of him doing a thumbsup, low angle.
PB replied, “Thx!”
PB replied again moments later: “Yo JD! This is John. President Bradley let me use her phone so I could talk to you. We gotta catch up man!!!!!! Wana go fishing next weekend?”
JD quickly responded, “No.”
PB replied, “:(“
No more messages appeared that night, and as Tuesday rolled into Wednesday, I found myself unable to sleep. I had to find out whether New Hack was going to be obliterated. A message finally appeared at 2 a.m. from PB: “ok, John’s gonna go set up all the dynamite. Lmao. He’s never done this before.”
CAP replied, “Lol”
DJ replied, “Lmao o:”
I laid in my bed for hours, restless for any more updates from the chat. Finally, at 4:01 a.m. I heard a faint explosion. I suddenly got out of bed, grabbed my candlestick and then raced across campus. There at New Hackensack was a big crater in the ground where the studio art side of the building used to be. I fell to my knees and wept. My phone buzzed; CAP sent a message: “Who is ‘BigDaddyFishlegs7?’” I was removed from the group chat ten minutes later.
The next day, no one was talking about the New Hack Obliteration. I talked to one of my friends who has a class there on Wednesdays, Vincent DaVinky, to see if anything was weird about his day. He replied, “Eh… I don’t know. Just had my painting class. Same old decrepit New Hack. Felt a bit more spacious. The air quality was better, too. Kinda weird. You know what was really weird? I ran into John Bradley today and we chatted for a minute. Really wooden conversation. Don’t really remember him sounding that way. Almost robotic.”
Seems like a story for another day.
ARIES March 21 | April 19
TAURUS April 20 | May 20
HORSEOSCOPES
Emma daRosa Just Horsin’ Around
We’ve all heard “you can take a horse to water, but you can’t make it drink.” I’m so sorry for the scourge of people trying to force you to drink. Has anyone ever thought, “Perhaps the horse has a reason not to want to drink?” Something to ponder…
The stars really wanted me to let you know this week that you need to work on your class participation grades. I know it’s hard to speak up in class because of your social anxiety and also you are a horse. Maybe the AEO office has a horse protocol?
GEMINI May 21 | June 20
I think this week you should play around more with your wardrobe! Try on a fun Vassar spring outfit, like a long skirt or something. Okay. Honestly? You just have to stop walking around here naked. If you act like a horse, people will treat you like a horse.
CANCER June 21 | July 22
It seems that this week you’re constantly going to have to piss like a racehorse! This is odd because, as everyone knows, no Cancer horse ever became a racehorse. If I were you, I would go to Baldwin for a UTI test. Maybe try some cranberry juice?
LEO July 23 | Aug. 22
Oh Leos, you guys are some of the sexiest horses around. This week, at least three people are going to make sexually charged “riding” jokes to you. All you can do is just do your thang. They don’t deserve to ride you ;).
VIRGO Aug. 23 | Sept. 22
BE CAREFUL. Someone is trying to sabotage your plans to invade the Kentucky Derby this week. Keep your horse friends close, but your horse enemies closer…
LIBRA Sept. 23 | Oct. 22
SCORPIO Oct. 23 | Nov. 21
The stars told me you’ve experienced a loss in the family—I’m so sorry to hear that. Even worse, this girl in one of my classes who never has an original thought but never shuts up caught wind too. Avert your eyes! I’ve never seen someone beat a dead horse like she does.
Every Scorpio horse I’ve ever met has been a total gift horse. You know the type, gift horses! You poor things, everyone debating looking you in the mouth or not looking you in the mouth. The dentist must be so confusing. I think you should just start biting!
SAGITTARIUS Nov. 22 | Dec. 21
Oh brother, I know it must be really hard for you to be a horse with such a small penis. Luckily, the stars told me that your pre-org, Horse Support for Horses not Hung like Horses, is getting VSA approval this week! Congrats to you and your little buddy.
CAPRICORN Dec. 22 | Jan. 19
This week, the people around you are going to be absolutely starving…tread lightly, dear horse readers. Your human friends, they’re going to be so hungry that they could eat a… no… I shan’t say.
AQUARIUS Jan. 20 | Feb. 18
This week, you should clip-clop around President Bradley’s house—neigh, whinny, do that bubulrrugh thing with your lips, just be a nuisance. Obviously, this is in protest of how much she hates horses.
PISCES Feb. 19 | March 20
Watch out!!! This week, I heard that some son of a bitch is going to try to put his cart before you! I mean, so ridiculous, he’s never gonna be able to attach you to a cart like that, but on a deeper level… should we even be attaching carts to horses? Hmm…
The Miscellany News asks: Is your dentist weird?
Tess Foley-Cox Prize Enthusiast
All week, the only question I’ve been asked is, “What did you do over break?” From professors, classmates, friends, enemies. Let’s set aside the fact that I already know what you did over break—I saw your Instagram post from Puerto Rico. Why ask the question if you don’t want the answer? “I went to the dentist” is both true, fascinating and reasonable; yet, I seem to be shutting people down everywhere I go. For reasons indiscernible to me, I’ve been met with groans, the occasional nod of sympathy and, on a good day, a curt “nice.” Not one person has asked me how it went. And frankly, I have a lot to say. Just because my dentist is named Dr. Melo, does not mean it was a mellow experience. In fact, by the end I was pretty worked up. Have you noticed that the dentist office is getting weirder?
We all know the dentist sucks. The bone-chilling noises, the sadistic flossing interrogation, the ageist, dictatorial rules surrounding the prize box. That’s standard practice. But I’m generally going to the dentist because I need a new toothbrush, not a good time. This trip, however, was far more sinister.
After a brisk 17-minute wait, I was led into a small room facing the neighboring grocery store’s parking lot and given a bright purple bib. As my chair was laid back and I accepted my grim fate, I found myself staring at a large picture of a canyon pasted onto the ceiling. It seems to have been positioned in an attempt to sedate me, perhaps the closest thing the dental board will allow to a tranquilizer gun. With nowhere else to look while the hygienist poked and prodded my gums, I stared at the gaping ravine. The longer I looked, the more it began to resemble a set of teeth. And the closer I examined the dark corners and dying shrubs, the more concerned I became about my casual relationship with flossing. Maybe I misread the picture’s goal. If it was intended as part of a multi-step fear-mongering plan, rather than relaxation, it is doing a bang-up job.
The only thing that managed to break me out of this reverie was the dental assistant, who briefly permitted my jaw to relax as she wiped my plaque across my chest. Let me repeat that: She wiped my own mouth goop across my chest. Why have we as a society decided that a bib makes it okay for my nipple to act as a napkin? Anything sharp enough to dig dirt from between my teeth should not be anywhere near there.
Shouldn’t that be a boundary? What is that tray table for? And while we are on the subject of dental perversities, when you ask me if I want to spit, can you please look away while I do it?
Just when I thought this whole ordeal was coming to an end, the dentist finally made his entrance. While scraping each one of my teeth, the way I imagine a cat might scratch his back on a pole, he announced that I have both a cavity and “unnaturally groovy teeth,” which he said while doing a sort of wave-like dance move. From a professional standpoint, it seems strange to call me a freak of nature while dancing. Though he assured me this cavity was NOT because of my brushing, I am less sure. I have never once won a teeth-brushing bathroom stand-off. Once you make sidelong eye contact while frothing at the mouth, I find a quick exit to be imperative. But, before I can initiate the same quick exit from this little soiree, Dr. Melo remembers he has forgotten his favorite part of the trip: our little shaming ritual. Without fail, we repeat the same conversation every six months:
“Remind me, where exactly do you go to school?”
“Vassar, it’s in upstate New York.”
“Huh, never heard of it. What’s your ma-
jor?”
“English.”
And then he laughs at me. Out loud. Sighs and says, “Well, you could be a teacher. Do you want to be a teacher?”
“No.”
Then he laughs again. It’s cute. We both have an equally great time with it.
And if you think it’s just me, it’s not. Last Friday, Olivia Selby ’26 made a trip to the dentist, and she too experienced a decided increase in strangeness since her last visit. Here’s what she had to say: “So I’m sitting in the chair and this woman has her hands in my mouth. She’s yapping and yapping and yapping about her time serving in Korea and then she goes, ‘God, all I’ve been thinking about is a burrito. I can’t stop thinking about burritos.’ And then she’s going through the pros and cons of each of the nearby burrito restaurants. ‘Chipotle’s burrito isn’t big enough. Gabby’s Burrito doesn’t give you any sides.’ But I’m still thinking about Korea and I really would have liked at least one of us to be thinking about my teeth!”
But definitely schedule that dentist appointment you’ve been putting off. Or make your mom do it. But go. And when you do, tell me: Is the dentist office getting weirder?
Top scientists advise public to give up on dreams
Evan Seker Shameless Plagiarist
We all want to be better today than we were yesterday. But recent research indicates that it might be harder than you think: in fact, self-improvement for the overwhelming majority of the planet Earth seems to be almost impossible. Neuroscientists at the Institute for Applied Ontology have recently released a report urging the public to “give up.” The Miscellany News has reached out for comment on several platforms, including carrier pigeon, flying carpet and showing up at their (publicly available) home addresses with giant signs saying “MEMENTO PECUNIOUS.” After being chased away by genetically engineered squirrels, we do not recommend the last method. We finally did receive a response, however, in the form of an incredibly long research paper detailing the mysterious Gerzatz-Erebo effect, studied in detail by Dr. Amelie Kuransini with a thoughton collider—a particle which, in her words, “is much more agreeable than you.”
We’ve paraphrased it below:
ABSTRACT
Our team of researchers analyzed about 100,000 people over a course of 40 years by using specialized pro-thoughtons to intercept thoughts as they occurred (it’s not spying if it’s science) and anti-thoughtons to cut between the various matrices of the thoughts generated in order to individualize, identify them and specify their
“About 70 percent of humanity, at any one moment, has the capability to consciously better themselves.”
natures. We uncovered a shocking result, which, to use colloquial language, could be described as not simply the “death knell” of Great Man theory, but a “poison pill” that would “make Nietzsche cry tears of unutterable sobbing.”
RESULTS
“About 70 percent of humanity, at any one moment, has the capability to consciously better themselves. Only 30 percent of humanity is so bound within their own life that they can’t take a good look in the mirror and say, “Whoops, I messed up.” But only a small fraction of people ever really feel okay with themselves, despite the evidence suggesting that this is a very easy state for most to attain. Yet, most people are paralyzed by self-loathing when they could be taking steps to change themselves. Our research indicates that this is because people don’t really want other people to change; Society as a whole wants its citizens to stay the same, because we’re all utterly uncomfortable with others, and most of all, ourselves, changing from day to day. Why? The truth is, we hold ourselves back not because we are afraid of the future, but because we are afraid we are betraying ourselves and others by not having already reached that point.
We hypothesize that in order to off-set this anxiety, and the fore-knowledge of this anxiety, most people’s change factor requires a large source of dopamine. Without that rush of positive emotions, of terror and plunging catharsis, our logical brain realizes we aren’t hitting our goals… and it tries desperately to rack up our “success drive,” like a fever; but this pushes us further into despair. It is easier to remain mired in an ignorance of one’s potential than reach it blindly and realize that one could have reached this point years ago. Again, that 70 percent of humans face “change moments” almost every minute of every day, and yet, most don’t take them. Why? We propose that it’s because human minds are built for survival, built for a hostile world. Brains were built to
rapidly change or fail. But sources of rapid change are dwindling, and our brains are not evolving to keep up, meaning that change is becoming impossible; our team believes most of the public should just give up on their ambitions; progress in all fields is dwindling; perhaps it is time for self-improvement to exit, as well. What scares me is that I don’t know the solution. Decades of research, and all of it led me to a solid, physical nothingness in the end. A great impenetrable wall across the neural cosmos. Although I’m getting away from my point, and besides, if I don’t conduct myself appropriately, I’ll lose my audience. For those of you (which is exactly 22.453762 percent [this updated everytime we refreshed the page]) who have somewhat immediate needs, please keep reading; I am about to present a solution (exciting! Lots of gamma-aminobutyric acid!) in the next paragraph. Solutions, ahoy!
DISCUSSION
To dream as we do is to partake in the searing homogeneity of the forever moment, the identical self throughout history and the future. This is why I, unfortunately, had to give my oft-quoted advice. Maybe if we dismantled all the systems that force people to make fools of themselves in order to get ahead, that are designed to make people fools of themselves, we could accomplish something. But we are Gersatz—geared to be fictitious, and Erebo, constantly falling towards hell, simply as a result of our DNA. On another note, you guys seriously need to stop making memes. Half of our data was duplicate garbage. I never thought I could feel murderous rage for anonymous thoughts, but you gain new scientific conclusions with every experiment, I suppose. And obsessions: I have “Let the trash out, wonk” stuck in my head. Only five of our members knew what wonk was. Only 4.5472831 percent of readers of this email knew it as well, at least before 91.469112 percent of you looked it up. Anyways, the solutions.
I think humanity has a chance at a bright future. I really do. However, it seems as though our brains were built for self-destructive decision-making, one that facilitates safer yet increasingly stressful lives with a preponderance of dopamine-rich shock events to force changes—the horrifying events of this century should be evidence of that. I’m still mystified as to if
“Let the trash out, wonk” stuck in my head. Only five of our members knew what wonk was.
the current happenings should be seen as a horrifying tragedy or an inevitable result of the power mass communication gives to those who seek it. Anyways, we don’t want to stick around. My team has uncovered a set of strange neural signals emanating from Andromeda, and we’ve managed to convert the Large Hadron Collider into a teleporter (which, if you’re wondering, conserves the composition of neurons). We are going to move on from this experiment and perform countless others on countless other worlds. It’s an exciting prospect. As a farewell gift, I’ve sent you a specialized anti-thoughton, to protect you from undue, societally-mandated thoughts. Be sure to feed it well: It enjoys gluons, muons and the treasured possessions of dictators. See you never, Amelie
Oh no! I’ve copy-pasted her response, instead of paraphrasing—probably because I’m lazy. Ugh, I wish I was a better writer. Sometimes, I feel like I’m bound to be this way forever.
Incidentally, does anyone know when the Louvre opens up?
Can obsession be healthy?
thing related to my obsession, and when something about it changed—a death, a transformation—I felt changed.
When you hear the word “obsession,” it sounds harsh. Maybe you picture someone wide-eyed, frantically plotting with a giant crime map or someone locked away in a tower, shutting out the world to focus. It is true that obsession, an idea which repeatedly preoccupies and intrudes into the mind, can be severe. It is engrossing, it captures your attention like nothing else. While obsession generally has a strong connotation, I believe this state of mind has actually improved my life. Yes, I think there is such a thing as a healthy obsession.
To be clear, I am referring to a specific type of obsession. Obsession with harmful thoughts, obsessions with people who exist in the real world or obsessions that are involuntary are obviously unhealthy; there is no argument there. Obsessions with a certain interest, goal or ideal, however, are different. This version of obsession is not just a passion; it is something more consuming.
In my own experience, I have noticed personal patterns of obsession. My younger self would become entirely engrossed in things. Usually, it was some obscure young adult series, or a popular show like “Stranger Things,” or some kind of writing project. Once I was obsessed, the obsession gave a different color to my life. I would start to notice aspects of my obsessions— the characters, the setting or the style—in everything. My friend’s joke was suddenly reminiscent of one person from my book. The gas station I had stopped at was just like that one scene I was writing. That song on the radio reminded me of that one character’s inner struggle. I sought out every-
I was being single-minded, but I was allowing myself to be overcome by the greatness of something. At 12 years old, I asked my parents if I could move to Los Angeles and audition for movies so I could be like Millie Bobby Brown from “Stranger Things.” I would spend entire days writing a specific story, consumed in the plot. After I finished “The Hunger Games,” I cried because I knew it was over. It was ridiculous,
Obsession with harmful thoughts, obsessions with people who exist in the real world or obsessions that are involuntary are obviously unhealthy; there is no argument there.
but at the time, these obsessions were important to me.
Even though I was single-minded and naive, those phases I went through helped me learn more about what I liked. They became a form of appreciation and gave me something to identify with.
Recently, a new obsession has fallen into my lap: The show “Breaking Bad.” I’m late, but it is so well done I can’t help but be wildly engrossed, the same way I was as a kid. It inspires me to write more and think more, a feeling I missed deeply. Maybe you have experienced this kind of obsession at some point, maybe you have not, but his type of
harmless fixation is not so uncommon. In 2012, The Learning Channel (TLC) aired a TV show called “My Crazy Obsession.” It featured ordinary people who were fanatics about some oddly specific thing. One woman on the show, Kitty Sera, was utterly obsessed with the color pink. “No one is more obsessed than I am, trust me,” she says. Kelly Foxton, a woman obsessed with her pet squirrel, bought the animal over 4,000 different miniature outfits and spent hours dressing it up. 22-year-old Eric Ducharme was obsessed with mermaids, putting on a fake tail and swimming in Florida’s natural springs.
Obviously, these are wild examples. These people are uniquely eccentric. However, most people featured on the show seem like their obsession makes them happier. Yes, they are strange, but the obsessions do not harm anyone. Maybe they are not multifaceted people, and they may live a “one trick pony” kind of life. The obsession could also take time away from other important opportunities, like relationships or self care. But it is a life they choose, and pouring their energy into one thing gives them a sense of fulfillment. I am not saying we should all put on mermaid tails and live in the ocean like Eric Ducharme. But to some extent, investing yourself in something you love and giving in to your natural sense of wonder, even if it is corny, can actually feel freeing.
Obsessions can be an expression of gratitude. For penny collector Otha Anders, that was the case. Over the course of 45 years, he collected over 500,000 pennies. “If I would see a penny … on the ground, or in a store, it would be a reminder to stop right there and say a prayer,” he said in an ABC News article. What was a silent practice of thankfulness resulted in actu-
al money when he cashed the pennies in: $5,136 worth. But I want to be clear: Obsession which results in monetary or material gain is not what makes it valuable. I could list off names of geniuses and revolutionaries who have turned their obsessions into timeless projects that added value to humanity. While their obsessions were obviously productive, I do not think productivity has to be the end goal. It is about devotion and allowing yourself to be passionate even if it is not about something that matters a whole lot (like a photogenic pet squirrel). You do not have to be Mozart composing the “Requiem” for your obsession to be valid—just allow yourself to be. If it adds meaning to your life, it is worth it. Obsession can be harsh, and there is a fine line between passionate and harmful. I think there is a balance to obsession. As long as it does not overpower the important aspects of your life, it can be healthy. Do not let the image of the obsessed fanatic taint your view of obsession. It can mean something entirely different. Being consumed in something can make you a better thinker. Pouring yourself into something can make you a better achiever. With the right balance, obsession may enrich your life.
I sought out everything related to my obsession, and when something about it changed—a death, a transformation—I felt changed.
Post-truth is not a new phenomenon
In 2016, Oxford Dictionaries selected “post-truth” as their international word of the year. It was a year of firsts, a year of disruption. It was the first time the United States elected a president with no prior political or military experience and also the year of the shocking withdrawal of the United Kingdom (UK) from the European Union. Two somewhat bewildering and certainly disturbing events that festered and emerged from lies, bigotry and disinformation—among other varying and complex factors. The term morphed into a buzzword around this time, being vaguely thrown around in publications such as The New York Times and The Guardian without a concrete definition. Despite the mid2010s being deemed the “era” of post-truth, it more so felt like a mood, a dark cloud that hung over everyone’s heads for the first time, bewitching X feeds and break rooms alike. Something shifted.
Attacks on traditional paradigms of expertise, heightened distrust in the media and a lack of faith in public institutions have become commonplace. Despite these anti-intellectual, anti-traditional expertise sentiments that increasingly pervade our lives today, it is paramount to resist the notion that post-truth is a completely new, digital media-based phenomenon. Rather, post-truth is both a new and old problem, disturbingly timeless in both nature and consequence.
To understand what post-truth is, and
why it is an oversight to consider it completely novel, it is important to address a common misconception about the prefix “post.” Rather than being used in a manner similar to “post-war,” denoting a purely temporal marker, the “post” of post-truth more closely resembles that of “postmodernism,” given the slipperiness of its temporality and the nature of the crisis: i.e. whether it is a political or epistemological (our agreed upon standards of how we know what we know) crisis, or somewhere in between. Giving post-truth the terminological weight of signifying a new time period ignores the fact that believability has always been fraught for marginalized populations.
If post-truth in its simplest form involves the disruption of truth and its production, as well as the perpetuation of untruths, it is a phenomenon as old as time itself. Posttruth is not merely an informational problem, but also one of power relations and skewed believability. UK-based feminist and media studies scholars Kathryn Claire Higgins and Sarah Banet-Weiser, for example, argue that believability is both the capability of being believed and the quality of being convincing. For them, “truth” is not something that can simply be done; rather, it is something that is earned. Structural forces, including but not limited to patriarchy, colonialism, classism and racism, all disrupt the formation and acceptance of truth by and from marginalized populations, such as people of color, LGBTQ+ individuals and women.
Take, for instance, the horrific 1991 po-
lice brutality towards Rodney King during a speeding and driving-while-intoxicated arrest. King suffered from broken bones, bruises, bleeding, cuts and burns—all physical indicators of excessive force. A bystander recorded the evidence of police violence on a home movie camera, and the footage was (mis)used and manipulated in court to initially charge King with felony evading. The footage was slowed down to an almost imperceptible speed, where it was extremely difficult to tell who was primarily using force. King’s beating took place a year before the term post-truth is said to have been created by Serbian-American playwright Steve Tesich in an essay for The Nation magazine, but it still undeniably resembles an instance of post-truth: The disrupted dissemination and production of truth among public audiences, which in turn perpetuates untruth, specifically towards or affecting a person of a historically marginalized population.
Even before the manipulation of digital media and its use in the production of mis- and disinformation, as in King’s trial, a culture of normalized deception had already pervaded the United States. Former President Ronald Reagan, for example, weaponized a harmful, false stereotype and derogatory term about Black women, the “welfare queen,” in his speeches and political campaigning, which shaped public opinion about who receives public assistance and why. And even before the United States itself was established, historically documented instances of mass disinformation, such as the Salem Witch Trials, cre -
ated widely accepted untruths, illustrating the impossibility of believability among certain marginalized populations as well as the force of both politics and epistemology in the production of (un)truth.
This long-standing reality of post-truth is not to say that, perhaps, the production of post-truth has not been exacerbated in the last decade. The accessibility of manipulating fact has undeniably expanded due to technological advancements, with people having the resources to make both deep fakes and cheap fakes at their fingertips, launch or participate in the production of disinformation campaigns or harness populist, anti-traditional expertise sentiments. This is the reality of our digital world today. However, this unusual subversion of power relations and intellectual authority as well as the mass-manipulation of fact amid technological innovation should not undermine the reality that the motives and results of disrupting truth have remained the same throughout history. Reality today feels irresolvable for many of us regardless of age, gender, race and class. But this irresolvability has been known for decades, or even centuries, among certain populations. It is imperative to resist purely technocentric narratives surrounding post-truth while simultaneously recognizing the growing accessibility of manipulating facts. Two truths can co-exist. The only way out of—or perhaps the only way into—the vortex of post-truth is recognizing this coexistence and the disrupted logic of both fact and believability itself.
Zoe Rodriguez Guest Columnist
Carina Cole Senior Editor
I don’t like you either!
Donald J. Trump Convicted Felon
You know, there have been a lot of people in the fake Miscellany News who have been very unfair to me as I start my historic second term. For a paper that nobody reads, it is really quite sad that so many people have been putting effort into saying bad things about me, folks. Especially because Vassar College has, frankly, become a dumpster fire in the past few years of radical left administration.
Sleepy President Bradley should not be president. She is one of the most radical left Marxist people I have ever met; she is basically Che Guevara on steroids. She wants to burn the whole system down, believe
They do not want to say that they can not make Chinese food, so they call it a concept of Chinese food! And now, they will never get the right ingredients because of tariffs. They had their chance.
me, you can tell every time she opens her mouth. She is never on campus either. She is always going off to Rwanda or Washington. What is in Rwanda? And what is in Washington? Nobody knows, I could not tell you. Sleepy PB could tell you in her Sunday emails, but she never does. I can never guess the mystery picture, and when I do, I am never the first because it is rigged. There is only one way out of this mess: she has to divest. Divest from all these health organizations and youth outreach programs, or Vassar is going to run out of money and be gone. We love divestment. Frankly, I would have divested on day one.
Let me tell you, Gordon Commons (the Deece) is something out of hell. What are the burgers made of? Nobody knows. Nobody knows except Dining Services, and they do not want you to know. Then it got flooded in a terrorist attack by students from Marist University. They are just letting in Marist people all the time. They are giving out guest passes like they are lollipops. These Marist people are flooding the kitchens, they are kidnapping our plastic Deece cups. How many Deece cups were missing in my first term? Zero. We were very brutal and ruthless with this kind of criminal behavior. Now they have stolen 250 in one day. Can you believe that? And you know, everyone laughed at me when I said at that debate that I only had a concept
of a plan. Well, the Deece, they only have a concept of food from China and food from Mexico. They do not want to say that they can not make Chinese food, so they call it a concept of Chinese food! And now, they will never get the right ingredients because of tariffs. They had their chance.
The dorms are a horrible disaster. We have little Luis Inoa telling the people that they have to live in a cesspool for all four years. A lot of the dorms are huge dumps— except Jewett. You have really a very beautiful location with Jewett House. Add 80 more floors and fix the pool table, and it could become a Trump Tower. As for the other dorms, we have Disgusting Davi, we have Lousy Lathrop, and we have Nasty Noyes. Strong I really liked, but the people there did not really like me.
A lot of people here say they do not like me. Why is that? When I go to other places, they say they like me. Even the single-digit population of Vassar students who voted for me are saying they do not always like me. Why do Vassar students not like me?
Everybody is saying that they are very cliquey. That must be the one, singular reason why. Well, Vassar College, I do not like you either! You have a party scene that is completely dead. You have students who are brainwashed into hating Elon Musk. What has Elon done to make people hate him? He is a great guy! And the streets are
As for the other dorms, we have Disgusting Davi, we have Lousy Lathrop, and we have Nasty Noyes. Strong I really liked, but the people there did not really like me.
not safe! You can not go for a walk at night without some thug running up to you and trying to recruit you for a psychology study. Very sad.
I am going to go now, I am a very busy guy. But, writers of The Miscellany News, before you go and criticize me for being hostile to democratic institutions, burning relationships with our closest allies, raising prices on American consumers, shutting down aid programs that save lives, deporting migrants who have families and help our economy and coercing free speech on college campuses, just remember that you Vassar students are not so perfect either. Your radical left bubble does not even have good food or a football team. So do not act like you can judge me, folks.
Tori Kim/The Miscellany News.
UCLA’s Cain reflects growing energy in women’s hoops
Holland Kaplan Assistant Design Editor
As March comes to a close, one thing is on every basketball fan’s mind: March Madness. The tournament is a rollercoaster of buzzer-beaters, upsets and unforgettable moments, making it one of the most exciting events in sports. While the men’s tournament has traditionally gained more media attention, women’s college basketball is surging like never before. This year’s tournament showcases elite talent, fierce competition and intensity, proving the women’s game is just as electrifying, if not more, than their male counterparts’.
One team making a historic run is No. 1 UCLA, with a dynamic mix of veteran experience and rising stars, including freshman Avary Cain, a five-star recruit making her mark on the biggest stage.
I first met Cain at our gym in high school?, Sports Academy in Los Angeles, where we pushed each other through our summer conditioning workouts. Even then, her work ethic was unmatched. As a friend and a fan, it is thrilling to see her thrive at UCLA.
I messaged with Cain to discuss the tournament, her team and the growing excitement around NCAA women’s basketball.
Kaplan: What does March Madness mean to you and UCLA?
Cain: “Making it to March Madness means everything to me and to our team. It’s the culmination of all the hard work, long practices, and sacrifices we’ve made. We’ve pushed each other every single day with this goal in mind…now that we’re here, it’s a chance to prove what we’re capable of. It’s not just about representing UCLA anymore… it’s about competing with pride and heart, knowing that this is the moment we’ve all dreamed of.”
Kaplan: Who has stepped up this season, and what makes this squad special?
Cain: “Kiki Rice has stepped up in a big way. Her growth as a leader on and off the court has been incredible…just being that steady presence we can rely on. What makes this squad special is our chemistry and how much we trust each other. Everyone knows their role, but we also lift each other up constantly.”
Kaplan: With women’s college basketball gaining more attention, what do you wish more people knew about the women’s game?
Cain: “I wish more people knew just how competitive, skilled and intense the women’s game really is. The level of talent, the basketball IQ, the physicality, it’s all there. We play with passion, precision and heart.
Women’s rugby
Henry France & Casey McMenamin Sports Czars
BREAKING: Poughkeepsie, NY – On Aug. 25 at The Farm on Vassar College’s campus in Poughkeepsie, NY, the Vassar Women’s Rugby team will face the NFL’s New York Jets in an exhibition match. The news was first announced in a joint release from Vassar Athletics and the New York Jets Football Team on Tuesday, April 1, 2025.
The Vassar women’s rugby team has enjoyed three NCR Division II national championships in the past five years, proving their absolute dominance at the highest level. A large part of the squad’s success can be credited to Head Coach Tony Brown, who is always looking to pair the team up with challenging opponents to push his players to their absolute best. In a move that will prove to be beneficial to both parties, the New York Jets football team have agreed to face the Vassar women’s rugby team in a friendly competition this upcoming summer. New York Jets Head Coach Aaron Glenn told reporters that he hoped the decision would even help skill up his own squad, “everyone knows that Vassar College’s women’s rugby team features some extremely elusive, quick and really, frankly just smart, good decision-making running backs, I think they just call them “backs,” but in any event there is no question that we could learn a thing or two from the reigning champs.” The event should be fascinating, and is scheduled for Aug. 25 at 6 p.m. While the contest will not be broadcast on national television, it can be viewed through a CBS subsidiary with a Paramount+ subscription.
The match will be a typical Rugby Union match where two teams of 15 players have 80 minutes to advance the ball past their opponent’s side of the field (pitch) and touch it to the ground for a score worth five points (a try). The match will mark the first-ever showdown between a Division II collegiate rugby team and an NFL franchise.
It’s not just about highlights, it’s about strategy, grit and team play.”
Kaplan: What would it mean to you and your teammates to make the Final Four?
Cain: “Making the Final Four would mean everything. It would be a dream come true for us. We’ve poured so much into this season, early mornings, late nights, pushing through injuries. To reach that stage would reflect all the belief, trust and fight we’ve put into each other…We know what kind of legacy we want to leave, and making the Final Four would be a huge step toward that.”
Cain’s words capture the true essence of March Madness: the passion, the stakes and the sense of something bigger than the game itself. UCLA’s journey is just one of many unfolding in the women’s bracket, each game packed with drama and elite-level play.
Collegiate women’s basketball is becoming a powerhouse sport, with other programs, like University of South Carolina’s continuing to dominate. The Gamecocks are not only a force on the court, but they also represent the growing recognition of the women’s game on the national stage. Defending champions LSU, with the unstoppable Mikaylah Williams, are proving their strength and resilience, while University of Connecticut, even amid injuries,
remains a contender with the leadership of Paige Bueckers and showstopping rookie Sarah Strong. These programs consistently set the bar higher, and the level of competition has never been more intense.
The sport is experiencing explosive growth, breaking attendance records and boosting TV ratings at a staggering rate. With NIL deals giving players increased visibility and financial opportunities, athletes are gaining the recognition they deserve. Current and former college stars like Caitlin Clark, Angel Reese and Paige Bueckers have become household names, drawing more fans to the women’s game. The tournament has transformed into a spectacle where high-level competition and incredible talent captivate audiences, getting the platform women’s basketball has always deserved.
As the tournament progresses, keep an eye on Avary Cain and UCLA, they are not just vying for a championship; they are part of a movement redefining women’s basketball. The team’s journey is symbolic of the broader shift in how the sport is perceived, no longer just a complement to the men’s game, but a major force in its own right. With players like Avary Cain pushing the limits of what is possible, it is clear that women’s basketball is here to stay, and its future has never been brighter.
to face New York Jets in friendly
While the Jets may have the size advantage, analysts agree that the Brewers’ speed, technique and ferocity to tackle give them a clear edge. ESPN’s Stephen A. Smith did not hold back when discussing the matchup on “First Take,” “Let me tell you something right now: The New York Jets are about to get EMBARRASSED. Their offensive line has more holes than Swiss cheese, and don’t get me started on their defense. I’ve seen scarecrows with better defensive awareness than this Jets secondary. And worst of all, THEY HAVE A RUNNING BACK PLAYING QUARTERBACK. And have you seen this Brewers team hit? Oh lord, I can feel the sonic booms from the studio when they practice up in Poughkeepsie. They EAT hit-sticks for breakfast! If I’m the Jets, fake an injury, call in sick, do whatever you got to do, but do not
show up to this game expecting a cakewalk because it might get ugly and quickly for this Jets squad.” Smith is not the only commentator to chime in on the unique matchup. Former New England Patriots quarterback Tom Brady said via X, “Wow. Hadn’t heard of Vassar College until now but looks like their women’s rugby team means business. If the Jets can’t adjust to rugby rules quickly, they could find themselves in quite a bit of a hole!”
Brady’s sentiment is shared with Tony Brown, head coach of the rugby program at Vassar. In Brown’s comments to The Miscellany News, he stressed that while the Jets may have the physical upper hand, his players have been playing rugby for years and are well-versed in the at-times complicated rules of the game. Michelle Walsh, Director of Athletics at Vassar College, told The Mis-
cellany News, “At first, sure, there was some concern over the risk of injuring our players. But, as Coach Brown assured me, and as I know from watching the Jets for years, the only players who should be worried about a potential setback are those on the visiting New York Jets.”
As the match approaches, players, fans, parents and alumni have been flocking to reserve tickets for the event which go on sale in just a few weeks. While the news of the match appeared shocking to many at first, the contest should be an exciting event, with one of the top women’s rugby teams in Division II facing off against, well, frankly, a faltering professional football team. The opportunity comes just before the New York Jets kick off their season and at the onset of the Brewer’s fall campaign.
Images courtesy of Andie Authers ’25 and U.S. Air Force photo by Airman 1st Class Jacob Wood via Wikimedia Commons.
Brewers Ballin’: Cody Brewer dominates Westminster Brewers Ballin’
Our goal with Brewers Ballin’ is to feature Vassar athletes who starred for their team the week previous to publishing. If you would like to nominate an athlete, please email hfrance@vassar.edu.
Name: Cody Brewer
Year: Graduate student
Team: Sports Medicine
Stats: Ten balls fetched, three “good boy”s received, eight-for-ten on following “sit” commands,
Statement: “Woof, bark.”
Recently in Vassar Brewers sports
President Bradley sparkles in debut against Harvard for Squash
Bradley shocked viewers, leading the way for the Brewers in a tight match versus the Crimson.
Meryl Streep ’71 donates $10 million to Vassar Brewers NIL Collective
In a move that rivals top DI programs, Streep elevated Vassar’s ability to attract top athletes.
Vassar to join the SEC
Michelle Walsh says, “It just means more. We want to bring SEC Championships back to Poughkeepsie.”
Image courtesy of Suzi Higgins.
The Miscellany Crossword
“Haha, Very Funny”
By: Sadie Keesbury
ACROSS
1. First word in a classic joke formula
6. Lingerie top
9. Not in a million years
10. Mouth surrounder
11. What double clicking a picture might do
13. Driver 14. Bro’s counterpart
15. Swiss-German artist Paul
“Mini Mingling”
By Felix Mundy- Mancino and
Theo Burstyn-Paul
17. Each
20. Married woman’s title
22. Biblical son of Aram (son of Shem)
23. Response for a classic joke formula
26. Tap
27. _____ Loompa
28. How old you are 29. Verse writings
DOWN
1. Second word in a classic joke formula
2. Country with an irregular flag
3. Show too much feeling
4. 100 yrs.
5. Jenner mom
6. Speak against God
7. Fix, as a sports game
8. Monkey 12 Paper Planes
Answers to last week’s crossword:
“Category Match”
By Theo Burstyn-Paul
Types of dough: FRIED, PHYLLO, COOKIE, PIZZA
Boot brands: FRYE, UGG, TIMBERLAND, SOREL
Ways to cook: FRY, BAKE, SAUTÉ, COOK
Parts of a fast food order: FRIES, BURGER, SAUCE, COOKIE
singer
16. Where Drs might work
18. How citizens of the UK might refer to Keir Starmer 19. “Guilty” and “Not Guilty” 21. Opposite of go 23. FDR program, or WiFi security 24. Old witch 25. “Yoo-_____!”
“Sgt. Puzzles” By
Sadie Keesbury
Where’s Sadie and Felix?
Below are drawings of our two lovely games editors, Felix and Sadie. Each of them will be wearing the same clothes, and doing the same pose, when you find them!!
Can you find each of them in the park?
Tori Kim/The Miscellany News.