Misc.03.30.23

Breaking news

Nina Ajemian, Misc Momager

Vassar to be BLASTED INTO SMITHEREENS at exactly 1:30 p.m. EDT, Dean Jaeger announces via email

In a recent all-campus email, Grounds Manager Dean Jaeger made an announcement stating: “Vassar College will be absolutely obliterated via The Blast on April 1 at exactly 1:30 p.m.”

This statement follows numerous (as in, like, so many) emails regarding recent rock blasting, previously contained to Ballintine Field, as part of the new tennis court construction project. Evidently, the operation has been kicked up a notch.

“We initially planned on just breaking up some large rocks to clear room for the new courts,” a member of the blasting crew explained. “But then our orders changed. I believe the College’s exact words were, ‘Just fucking blast it all.’ So now the new plan is, well, to blast it all.”

President of the College Elizabeth Bradley spoke to this change in plans: “It feels

best to quit while we’re ahead—or at least ahead of Marist. We’ve had a good run, haven’t we?”

Students may be wondering what The Blast will look or sound like. In the same email, Jaeger described: “The Blast will be, and I cannot stress this enough, so loud.”

As this was rather vague, The Miscellany News pressed for more from Verdi Drilling and Blasting, the company Vassar has contracted to perform The Blast. “Essentially, students can expect to hear one to two incredibly deafening explosions,” a representative commented. “I would recommend getting off campus that day. The Blast will wipe out everything within a two-ish mile radius from Ballintine.”

As the destruction of this institution will be instantaneous, there won’t be

See BLAST on page 11

FBI on Deece pasta lies

Giacomo Fusilli Disinformant

OnFriday, March 23, a team of federal agents was called into the Gordon Commons for what was referred to as an “egregious breach of contract and violation of trust” regarding the repeated failure of menus to actually say what shapes of pasta will be served on a given evening. The report, filed by a student who wishes to remain anonymous, came after months of backlash on the menus of the Home and Root stations.

After a 48-hour comprehensive investi-

Condiment dispensers BACK!

gation, a team of federal agents found that the GoCo was in fact in breach of contract with Bon Appétit Dining Services for false advertising. Their contract specifically stipulates: “No menu can lie about what shapes of pasta you will have, ESPECIALLY if you say it’s going to be linguine and it turns out to be penne. That’s, like, a totally different thing.”

Students were quick to share their grievances with The Misc, with Susanna Shull ’23 stating, “It’s completely bonkers and unfair. I have to walk 12 minutes from my TA because the online menu TOLD ME that I was going to get a specific shape with a specific sauce. It’s like they don’t even care about sauce adhesion. You can’t tell me that I’m getting a noodle with ridges and then give me a smooth, flat noodle. What is wrong with you people?”

Others were even more disgusted by the situation. “It was totally the right thing to call the Federal Bureau of Investigation, whoever it was that did it, which totally wasn’t me,” remarked Nandini Likki ’25 [Disclaimer: Likki is Assistant Humor Editor for The Miscellany News. She also definitely did not call the FBI].

“They obviously have nothing better to do, and this conflict technically crosses state lines if it’s true that Bon Appétit makes all their sandwiches in New Jersey.”

Nicholas Tillinghast Saucy Fellow

As Sam Cooke once said, “A change is gonna come,” and come it has. The famous hands-free machines featured in the Deece that often would fail at their simple job of dispensing condiments have been replaced by reasonably priced pump-action dispensers. The hands-free machines gave the impression that they were the future of ketchup dispensing with blocky, stainless steel exteriors and neon blue electronic displays that didn’t actually display anything, but lacked the functionality to back such a

claim.

Before deciding to return to pump dispensers, Vassar College Dining first considered whether removing students even further from physical contact with the dispensers would help with dispensing issues. They looked at $20,000 telekinesis-powered models where students would command the ketchup, mayo and mustard to dispense by carefully directing mental waves at the dispensers, in a similar fashion to how Aquaman might command fish. They eventually decided going back to the pump style would be more cost-effective.

Mogami/The Miscellany News.

Nicholas Tillinghast/The Miscellany News.

Tillinghast/The Miscellany

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Granoff ’70 accepts Distinguished Achievement Award

Jonathan Granoff ’70 returned to campus this past week to accept the Distinguished Alumni Award from the Alumnae/i Association of Vassar College (AAVC) for his decades-long career working towards world peace. Granoff spoke to the Vassar community with both alumni and current students alike during the award ceremony interview with former CBS News Correspondent Chip Reid ’77 titled, “The Conversation: It’s All About the Journey” last Thursday, March 23.

The Distinguished Achievement Award is awarded to one alum each year for excellence in their respective field. Lisa Tessler, Associate Vice President for Alumnae/i Engagement and Executive Director of the AAVC commented, “Granoff is particularly deserving of this award, given his lifelong commitment to protecting our world from the threat of nuclear warfare. His dedication to the challenges of this work, dating back to his student days as an anti-war activist, merits the attention of the broader Vassar community and instills pride in all of us.”

Mr. Granoff graduated cum laude from Vassar in 1970 and continued his studies at Rutgers University School of Law, where he earned his Juris Doctorate. While at Vassar, Granoff was a Psychology major and concentrated in Child Development. Before Granoff was a leading activist for world peace, he was out in the streets of Poughkeepsie protesting the Vietnam War. In his award acceptance speech, he cited Vassar as a source of learning how to think critically

and enjoy the pleasure of knowledge.

As the President of the Global Security Institute, an organization dedicated to the nonproliferation of nuclear weapons, Granoff has dedicated much of his life to combating political insecurity around the world. A staunch proponent of nuclear realism, Granoff rejects the idea of pursuing global security through nuclear weapons and instead advocates to reduce the circulation and sale of nuclear weapons. In an interview with The Miscellany News, he explained, “We can’t have military nationalism with nuclear weapons and survive. We’ve got to change. We have to change.”

As daunting as this seemingly insurmountable task may be, Granoff offered an optimistic perspective: “We can have human security.”

At the Global Security Institute, Granoff collaborates with top diplomats and decision makers. He is currently a Representative of the United Nations. Among other things, Granoff is a Senior Advisor to the World Summits of Nobel Peace Laureates, a Permanent Observer to the United Nations of the International Anti-Corruption Academy and a member of several governing and advisory boards such as Parliamentarians for Nuclear Nonproliferation and Disarmament.

Prior to working for the Global Security Institute, Granoff was a lawyer for 40 years, focusing on the ethical aspects of human development and security. A particularly meaningful career moment was assisting the creation of an attorney organization which brought lawyers from the Soviet Union to the U.S. He said of this initiative,“I developed skills and helped build a lawyers organization that helped bring lawyers from the Soviet Union to the United States and build bridges that helped end the Cold War.” Additionally, Granoff has authored more than 100 publications and wrote an acclaimed screenplay about the U.S Constitution, “The Constitution: The Document that Gave Birth to a Nation.”

Granoff arrived the night before the award ceremony from Geneva, Switzerland, after appearing at the Geneva Cen-

ter for Bridge Building. During his tightly-packed 36-hour visit to Vassar, Granoff spoke to Political Science Professor Stephen Rock’s U.S. foreign policy class. Rock said in a written statement, “[Granoff’s] advocacy for nuclear disarmament might, on first impression, seem utopian, but it has the force of both international law and international ethics behind it. I think my students enjoyed hearing him and engaging with him. He was certainly impressed with them, telling me afterward how thoughtful and sophisticated their questions were.”

One attendee of the ceremony, Zheka Chyzhykova ’25 commented on the global nonproliferation policies that Granoff discussed, saying in a written statement, “He said that states’ security cannot keep being built up by increased militarization (specifically nuclear weapons) and he is anti-nuclear proliferation, which I agree with. But I think that it is fair for smaller countries to require military security (NATO, nuclear weapons, etc.) as a way to avoid military conflicts. Because as we’ve often seen, diplomacy/treaties are not always a secure solution.”

“The Conversation: It’s All About the Journey” touched upon many key aspects of Granoff’s time at Vassar, career and life. Granoff spoke about the role of religion and spirituality in his work and its intersection with nonproliferation movements. Azure Malley-Porter ’25 also attended the talk, noting afterwards, “I was also really struck with the spiritual aspect of his thoughts. I think it’s really genuine, the fact he acknowledged it impacted the way he went about his work. Because at the core of this issue is a denial of the human, and what is at risk is the destruction of the human. Moving forward with a reminder of the connection between people is at the heart of what will overturn the current apathetic climate.”

Granoff would like to leave the Vassar student body with some words of advice, hoping these principles will inspire further student dialogue: “Love people, use things. Never love things and use people.” He added, “Develop skills that will help you express the love that is alive in your heart, and doors, inside and outside, will open for you.”

Sarah McNeil Assistant to the assistant news editors

Igor Martiniouk/The Miscellany News.

Igor Martiniouk/The Miscellany News.

Tori Kim/The Miscellany News.

Alumni, students connect at San Franscisco MoMA

Jyotsna Naidu Twitter CEO

Overspring break, the San Francisco Museum of Modern Art (SF MoMA) hosted the second “Celebrate Vassar” event in support of the Fearlessly Consequential campaign. The event boasted over 260 Vassar alumni. “It is a means to bring alums from all generations together to enjoy each other's company, recollect their fondness for Vassar, and hear about where the College is heading in the next 5-10 years,” Vice President for Advancement Tim Kane said, adding, “We do ask for their support as donors, volunteers, mentors and employers of Vassar grads.”

Two Vassar trustees, Francesca Amann ’91 and Tyrone Forman ’92, opened the night. Following, President Elizabeth Bradley spoke. “My remarks were about the campaign—why it is important to do, how philanthropy transforms students' experience, and what the campaign allows us to invest in for the future,” Bradley

said. She continued, “During the program, we featured a video showcasing campus, talked about the alums' own experiences, reconnected alums to each other around their Vassar memories, and generated enthusiasm for our collective future,”

To bridge past generations of alumni with the current Vassar culture, other members of the community, like Professor Michelle Tugade ’95 and Chase Engel ’23, shared their academic and social experiences at Vassar. Additionally, Vassar Student Ambassador Marissa Desir ’25 curated Q&A videos with alumni for Vassar’s social media.

“It's sharing and seeing how Vassar is different through the times and the things that are offered, but that is still the same at its base,” Desir explained. “Everybody was humble and talkative, in a good way. I would definitely love to continue to interact with alumni.”

Desir also shared her own unique experiences at Vassar with alumni who were

eager to see how Vassar has changed. Wally Fisher ’12, Associate Director Of Annual Giving at Vassar College, wrote Desir a personal shoutout on his LinkedIn for her involvement at Vassar and the event.

“This is why I love my job. It’s also why I volunteer for and donate to Vassar. These students are incredible and they deserve all of our support. Sleepy and still jetlagged, but feeling very proud of my alma mater and the amazing students making it their home today,” he wrote on LinkedIn.

Building from the first off-site event in Miami, “Celebrate Vassar” chose SFMoMA for its nuclear role in the contemporary art scene–as Kane explained, “[the Museum] is an attractive setting, featuring a large dining area in a setting surrounded by wonderful art.” Curator for Contemporary Art for SFMoMA, alumna Eungie Joo ’91, presented a featured exhibit.

“Each event fosters greater momentum for the campaign as more and more alums reconnect to each other and their Vassar ex-

perience,” Kane said. Support for the campaign is critical in providing students with opportunities otherwise inconceivable. For Engel, who serves as the co-chair of the Vassar Student Philanthropy Council, Fearlessly Consequential is representative of Vassar enabling students to pursue anything to its fullest capacity; for instance, he traveled to Hawaii for 100 Projects for Peace, thanks to alumni donations. Engel hopes to continue working with Vassar philanthropy post-graduation.

As Bradley reiterated, “Getting alums togther with an exciting [Celebrate Vassar] program gives them a chance to reconnect with Vassar and remember its tremendous value in their lives, which often engages them to support the College with their time, talents, and treasures.”

To date, $233 million have been raised towards a $500 million goal. Celebrate Vassar next travels to Los Angeles, Washington D.C. and New York City throughout Spring 2023.

Images courtesy of Josh Gruetzmacher via Vassar College Flickr.

Recent Release Roundup: Notable artists refresh sound

Allen Hale Loves A Good Tune

Throughout this past month, numerous established artists have released albums aimed at advancing or reinventing their sound. In this “Recent Release Roundup,” I would like to cover three albums by musicians who expanded their sonic boundaries and pushed into new musical frontiers: “SCARING THE HOES” by JPEGMAFIA & Danny Brown, “10,000 gecs” by 100 gecs and “UGLY” by slowthai.

“SCARING THE HOES” is a collaborative album by JPEGMAFIA (who will be performing at the Vassar ViCE Music Fest!) and Danny Brown, two of the biggest names in alternative hip-hop over the past couple of years. Each brings a unique set of talents to the table in this project, creating a truly collaborative effort that goes beyond the style of their previous releases. JPEG’s distinct, glitchy production forms the noisy background of all of the tracks, accompanied by his rapping and Brown’s unique, nasally vocals. The density of these instrumentals can become briefly overwhelming; songs veer into unpredictable directions and often operate outside the standard verse-chorus form. For instance, “Jack Harlow Combo Meal” begins with a slow-tempo jazz piano sample before a breakbeat-like drum snare enters, leading to an unexpected yet satisfying balance between prettiness and noisiness. Across the tracklist, the listener is exposed to great synth work, combined with less-expected timbres like organ, saxophone and brass; for instance, “Burfict!” employs trumpets in a perfectly triumphant manner. Songs like “Steppa Pig,” “God Loves You” and “Where Ya Get Ya Coke From” all use deafening bass alongside beautiful vo-

cal samples, creating dense beats that are topped by in-your-face rapping. “Lean Beef Patty” and “Fentanyl Tester” emphasize skittering percussion and a more electronic sound, which is then contrasted by the highly melodic “Orange Juice Jones” and its more relaxed tone. However, even in these calmer moments, JPEG and Brown refuse to drop in intensity, delivering fast-paced bars with full energy and emotion. My only minor complaint is that Brown’s vocals often get drowned out in the mix, and it feels like the instrumental chaos can override his ability to shine on the microphone (“Lean Beef Patty” comes to mind as one instance of this). As a result, the album feels much closer to a JPEG solo album than one birthed from both his and Brown’s styles. Regardless, the project is another step forward for JPEG’s rapping and production, experimenting with new ideas to help keep his eclectic sound ever-fresh. Brown does a great job performing on beats that differ from his usual style, contributing greatly to a collaboration that would have left many other rappers sounding out of place. After following each of these artists for years, I can safely say that “SCARING THE HOES” is one of the best releases from either of the two, and a must-listen for anyone interested in current hip-hop.

In similarly chaotic fashion, “10,000 gecs” begins with a sample of the THX sound effect, setting the tone for the absurdity to come. The opening track, “Dumbest Girl Alive,” employs an electric guitar riff before the bass guitar and drums kick in, marking a divergence from the duo’s previously electronic, hyperpop sound. Although these prior stylings are incorporated throughout the album, 100 gecs aim to enhance their past endeavors with a new flavor:

guitar-based rock. The ensuing results are varied. The highly auto-tuned vocals on “Dumbest Girl Alive'' fail to compliment its instrumentation, yet “Hollywood Baby” follows the same formula while yielding great results, resulting in a catchy, playful song with a powerful vocal performance. “757” and “mememe” each fall back on 100 gecs’ past sound with more reliable impact, forming the clear top three in the tracklist alongside “Hollywood Baby.” ”Billy Knows Jamie” calls back to the early-2000s rapped nu-metal of Limp Bizkit, accompanied by turntable scratching and powerful guitars. However, I found the track too self-aware and referential, failing to deliver its energy in a satisfying or refreshing manner. “One Million Dollars'' and “The Most Wanted Person in the United States'' each come and go without getting me on board; however, they still manage to do more for me than the goofier style of “Frog On the Floor,” which doesn’t land—comedically or musically. “10,000 gecs'' is a grab-bag of experiments that sees the group working in a new area with mixed results. When the songs land, however, you will be rewarded with a fun, energetic experience unlike any other.

Slowthai’s “UGLY” is a refreshing release for the UK-born rapper, seeing him turn his focus on post-punk as a cathartic way to vent his struggles. Although his 2021 album “TYRON” came with a handful of solid hip-hop tracks, the album left the listener with something to desire in terms of its completeness, lacking an original flavor that stands out from the crowd. “UGLY” improves upon this aspect while also marking the beginning of a new, punkier style for slowthai, communicating a wide range of emotion across its twelve tracks while still incorporating rap throughout the project.

“Yum” opens the album with references to slowthai’s therapy sessions and his struggles with substance abuse, accompanying these lyrics with deep breathing and thumping synths. “Wotz Funny” highlights the simple yet driven percussion utilized throughout the album, pushing songs forward as slowthai speaks to his sources of anger and self-destruction. The use of this instrumentation continues throughout the album, incorporating the energy of punk with a variety of vocal styles. “Sooner” straddles the line between hip-hop and singing, whereas “Falling” makes use of pained yells, while still other tracks like “Happy” showcase his full rapping ability. I was pleasantly surprised by slowthai’s singing across the record, containing multiple poignant performances such as on “Falling.” The title track is my favorite, using heavier, hazy guitars and mid-tempo drums to bolster Slowthai’s rapping. Synths and multiple vocal tracks enter and add to the density of the song, rounded off by a simple yet effective chorus that spells out U-G-L-Y repeatedly. Fans of either post-punk or hip-hop will find something to appreciate in Slowthai’s work, leading to a powerful combination that blends each genre seamlessly.

Each of the three albums covered here showcase musicians’ dynamic ability to refresh their sound and output. However, perhaps listeners ought to be less surprised by this growth; when an audience places an artist into a box musically, the demand for one style can pressure musicians to fall back onto reliable yet stale ideas. As listeners, we will be rewarded with a greater variety of high quality music if we can remain open to our favorite artists changing up their formulas, opening our ears to refreshing and ambitious possibilities.

'Haiti is a Nation of Artists' displays country's resilience

Ganesh Pillai

Macaroni Art Editor

One of the greatest disservices that you could perform unto another group of people would be to categorize them as one “thing”—or worse yet, to assume their inability or deficiency in something as broad as art. The disregard of the immensely varied and talented world of Hattian artists is one issue that the Vassar Haiti Project (VHP) is seeking to tackle by exposing these artists’ work to wider audiences, and allowing their pieces to be sold for their profit. In keeping with this purpose of promoting great Haitian art, I had the privilege of attending VHP’s screening of “Haiti is a Nation of Artists,” a film directed by Jacquil Constant (who came to campus to discuss this film with us viewers afterward) highlighting the incredible ability of numerous Haitian artists and where we may draw hope for future generations of artists from the nation.

“Haiti is a Nation of Artists” is formatted in a series of interviews Constant conducted with scholars and Haitian artists to contextualize the nation’s socio-political issues that affect the very notion of what it means to be an artist. The process of acquiring sources and sitting down to have these conversations was a long one, taking place over the span of 10 years and requiring the director to travel and re-travel back to Haiti to finish filmmaking. The documentary explains how, while Haiti has an incredibly diversely styled and produced art scene, people around the world have historically ignored art from the island na-

tion as inferior. This is just one aspect of a larger stereotypically derogatory view that many Global North countries took of Haiti. For a developing nation, and one that has not been able to generate much national revenue from tourism, art proved to be lucrative, a space carved out by those talented individuals in order to make a living— against a world of people dismissing them for doing just that. One artist Constant interviewed, Saurel Louis, put it bluntly and aptly: “All around the world, Haiti is known for negative facts.”

This is where Constant’s film and Vassar Haiti Project’s goals converge—namely in the demonstration of the amazing art of the Haitian people while encouraging viewers to give the nation its due consideration, care and support. Specifically, the Vassar Haiti Project buys Haitian-produced art from art galleries in Haiti and then sells this work to buyers from around the globe, allowing the artists’ work to reach a wider audience. The profits from these sales then go back into other projects within Haiti, including donating funding to plant 40,000 trees in the nation. VHP co-founder and executive director Lila Meade described, “The money is going back into Haiti. It’s actually Haiti helping Haiti, and we are just the middlemen.” Constant, along a similar vein, hopes that his film will serve as a celebration of the talent of the Haitian people and encourage more people to act to support them. He said, “Honestly, these films are called action films. They’re like, ‘Do something in your community.’ That fear that you have that you are not valuable, or that you are not worthy, it’s a lie.”

In Constant’s interviews with the artists, we as viewers can get a sense for the directions through which change may come about. Many artists highlighted the simple desire to be recognized, to be given an equal consideration as artists of any other nation. One artist, Famille Louis, touchingly remarked, “If everyone in Haiti was like me, there would be change, because I love everyone.” Additionally, within its own country, the government has made far too little an effort in encouraging Haitian art production and allowing it to serve as a method through which its people may express their creativity, supporting their families while doing so. Many artists called upon their government to invest more into Haitian art, and Constant echoed this sentiment as well. He hopes that with this film, he can contribute to the creation of a Haitian art ecosystem in which buyer, gallery, government and seller can work in unison and allow artists to gain the true worldwide recognition and acknowledgement that they deserve but have had to wait on for so long. Constant also noted that while the movement to carve out such a market is still very much grassroots, it is imperative in creating a culture that values the artists, and one that demonstrates to the younger generations the possibilities inherent in a life and line of work best suited to one’s own creative abilities.

I, along with the crowd gathered to see “Haiti is a Nation of Artists,” was genuinely moved and inspired by the film. Showcasing Haiti’s resiliency, particularly after the devastating earthquake in 2010 that destroyed 20,000 paintings in the nation,

spoke to the character of the Haitian people and provided a resounding “YES” to the question of whether artists in the country would endure and continue to produce such amazing work even when so many forces are working against them. It was also a message for us, as the audience, to not contribute to such barriers and rather to support Haitian art in any way that we can. Ending on a personal note, Constant concluded the Q-and-A section by saying, “My mom said to show the best of Haiti, and that’s what I tried to do with this documentary.”

Ganesh Pillai/The Miscellany

Wes Anderson films ranked from least to most favorite

Catherine Borthwick Dead Events Chair

One of my favorite things to do during a school break is to take a deep dive into the works of a particular author. Past summers have been dedicated to Hemingway or Nabokov, winters to Saunders or Vonnegut. It’s a special gift to be able to swim around in an author’s world for a few weeks (or even months!). But this spring break, I was inspired to do something different. Having never seen a Wes Anderson film, and intrigued by whimsical pop-cultural and online references to his work, I set out to watch all 10 of his feature films in a week. I watched them in a completely random order and made a pocket sized review of each film, ranked from my least to most favorite. Without further ado…here is my list.

10. “Rushmore” (1998)

“Rushmore” is, in a word, okay. It does not bear Anderson’s classic directorial trademarks (animated color grading, fastpaced narration, comically-yet-endearingly-quirky characters, etc.), but it does have a phenomenally irritating central character: 15-year-old Max Fischer. In what can only be described as prepubescent-inspired cringeworthiness, Max’s love interest is Rushmore Academy’s first-grade teacher. The acting is praiseworthy, and the writing, as per usual with Anderson, is consciously humorous. But alas…I was less charmed by this film, hence why it’s the lowest on my list.

9. “Bottle Rocket” (1996)

Anderson’s feature film debut, “Bottle Rocket,” is the tumultuous tale of two friends (played by Owen and Luke Wilson) who decide to become criminals. A getaway driver, a motel romance and a meticulously drawn up 75-year plan are all part of the journey. One of Martin Scorsese’s favorite films of the ’90s, “Bottle Rocket” is unpre

dictable and zany, with several hysterically faulty heist scenes. While, like “Rushmore,” it doesn’t yet bear the fully developed Andersonian aesthetic, its pacing and character

development are spot-on. Overall, a solid watch, especially if you like seeing people who are terrible at committing crimes.

8. “The Life Aquatic with Steve Zissou” (2004)

Hop aboard the Belafonte in “The Life Aquatic with Steve Zissou,” the story of a heroic mission led by oceanographer Steve Zissou to avenge his partner, Esteban, who was eaten by a “jaguar shark.” It sports a classically Andersonian cast: Angelica Houston, Bill Murray, Owen Wilson and Willem Dafoe, all of whom make appearances in his other films. My favorite scene was near the very end, when (spoiler alert!) Team Zissou meets the jaguar shark while “Starálafur” by Sigur Rós plays through the darkness of the bottom of the ocean (Anderson has excellent music taste).

7. “Isle of Dogs” (2018)

“Isle of Dogs” is a visually unique work of stop-motion that emphasizes bravery and perseverance in the face of disheartening odds. The premise is creative—a fictional Japanese city’s dogs are rounded up and, due to disease spread, are sent to “Trash Island,” where they learn to survive through dog alliances and munching on trash. The film is a little gritty for a movie aimed at children, yet the subject matter simultaneously falls flat for its adult audience in comparison to “Fantastic Mr. Fox.” It’s noteworthy that the film was criticized for both racial stereotyping and white saviorism following its release; when watching this film it’s important to consider what it means for a white director to portray Japanese culture in such a manner. Overall, “Isle of Dogs” is a solid film with excellent stop-motion animation, featuring a courageous journey between dogs and a young boy. I definitely liked it, but it wasn’t my favorite of Anderson’s work.

6. “The French Dispatch” (2021)

I enjoyed “The French Dispatch”—it’s an engaging, busy story of the final edition of a magazine (based on The New Yorker) with a nearly overwhelming amount of moving

parts. The shots are meticulously constructed, with theatrical tableaus that paint a picture of the world of quirky characters that compose each magazine article. It’s not as clean-cut as Anderson’s other films in that it nearly spreads itself thin at times (I found the characters occasionally difficult to identify), but it’s still an aesthetically pleasing and carefully planned movie that feels almost like a play. If you want to see Timothée Chalamet portray a revolutionary, grubby-looking student activist, turn this film on immediately. P.S.: major brownie points for Anderson’s extremely unique and effective usage of color versus black-and-white filmmaking in this movie—I’ve never seen anything like it.

5. “The Royal Tenenbaums” (2001)

Family dysfunction reaches a new level in “The Royal Tenenbaums,” in which a family of five (plus various grandchildren and a former next-door neighbor) is reunited when their estranged father claims that he has six weeks to live. The film is chaotic and funny, with uniquely interesting characters (the three children were all child prodigies who later crashed and burned) and some crazy love triangles. It’s upbeat and quirky, with a stellar ensemble cast (Gene Hackman, Anjelica Huston, Ben Stiller, Bill Murray, Gwenyth Paltrow, Owen and Luke Wilson, among others), making it fun for the whole family!

4. “The Darjeeling Limited” (2007)

“The Darjeeling Limited” is a humorous and occasionally somber film that follows three brothers’ journey through India a year after their father’s death. Francis, the oldest brother (Owen Wilson), has recently suffered a near-death experience and seeks a spiritual reconnection with his brothers. But tensions rise when his controlling behavior (motivated by a secret plot to bring his brothers to his mother’s new residence in the Himalayas) becomes too much. “The Darjeeling Limited” is colorful, heartfelt and, at times, outrageously funny—I was surprised by how much I enjoyed it.

3. “Fantastic Mr. Fox” (2009)

Endearing and lively, “Fantastic Mr. Fox” brings us on a winding journey of mischievous theft and treehouse living, on the noble quest to live one’s very best life. Rarely do I find myself laughing out loud at a movie, but this creative and visually magical Roald Dahl adaptation made me cackle. It may seem like just a children’s film, but it is much too earnestly clever to be reduced to such a limited audience. George Clooney is perfect as Mr. Fox. I will also mention that I was indescribably thrilled to see that the foxes owned a Le Creuset pot.

2. “The Grand Budapest Hotel” (2014)

It’s no surprise that “The Grand Budapest Hotel” is Anderson’s most critically acclaimed film—it is truly a perfect movie. We sit down to a fanciful dinner to hear the tale of how the Grand Budapest Hotel, a fading European ski hotel, was inherited by its current owner. The whirlwind plot takes us on a journey that oscillates from tearfully funny to drastically dire, tying together a mysterious murder, a questionable inheritance and an unbelievably charismatic concierge. Its actors, comedic timing, gorgeous costume design and visually stunning set coalesce into nothing short of genius. This is a film you absolutely must see in your lifetime—it’s a testament to the joy and power of filmmaking.

1. “Moonrise Kingdom” (2012)

“Moonrise Kingdom” is an absolute triumph of a film. While most of Anderson’s feature-length films are very strong, “Moonrise Kingdom” is undoubtedly my favorite. This film gives us the very best of the Andersonian universe—gorgeous color grading, vivid sense of place (in this case, coastal New England), outrageously funny moments and wonderful, quirky characters. The adults act like children, the children like adults and the film builds to an amazing final scene. If, like me one week ago, you haven’t yet seen an Anderson film, this movie is a must-watch—it’s phenomenal.

Cigarettes After Sex's self-titled album is 'sweet'

Driving through the windy roads of my hometown in Florida, I found myself lost in avenues of thought. Windows down, the breeze rushing through my blonde hair, I decided to revisit Cigarettes After Sex’s slow, romantic self-titled album. I hit play on “Sweet,” and my car sound system blared the moody, magnetic bass, transporting me back to the summer of 2017 when this album was first released. Back in the year of oversaturated Instagram photos and Ed Sheeran songs on the radio, I reminisced on how naive 14-year-old me was. As I hummed the soft melody, I was reminded of my eagerness to explore what high school had to offer. In the same way that lead singer Greg Gonzalez employs a sentimental feeling with his words, the album leaves me feeling nostalgic and hopeful for the future all at once.

My rediscovery of this ethereal album was similar to my ever-evolving discovery of myself in college. The leisurely and melancholic tempo, coupled with Gonzalez’s hypnotic voice, immediately draws the listener into a dimly lit bar, clouded by delicate smoke, where it encourages you to ponder upon lost love affairs while sitting on a barstool. This ambiance is achieved by both their music

and band title. With an upcoming North American tour on the way, I’m left wondering if the band’s self-titled album will sweep the setlist in the same way it swept the dream-pop teenagers of 2017.

The entire album tells the story of Gonzalez’s infatuation with a woman named Kristen and how their relationship slowly shifted from casual to significant. The opening track “K.” not only symbolizes Kristen’s initial, but also the cold abbreviation of “OK.”

The song is dedicated to her and details their origin story as it sets up the album. Gonzalez describes Kristen as a muse who inspires his artistic endeavors, making him yearn for her attention more. The song ends on a note that is equivalent to an ellipsis: “Stay with me/ I don’t want you to leave...” The vocals come to a whisper as the guitar takes over, leaving the audience wondering if Kristen felt the same as our lead singer or if the title hints to a rejection.

Gonzalez consistently uses imagery to paint pictures of the landscape he is creating with the album’s sound. In “Apocalypse,” he opens the story equating the end of the world to the painful conclusion of his new lover’s previous relationships. Even though each has ended in a tragic heartbreak, she should find peace with him and start anew. Mixing both sensuality and melancholy,

the band creates an atmosphere of sorrow that leaves the listener at peace rather than in tears. Gonzalez cleverly states, “You leapt from crumbling bridges watching cityscapes turn to dust.”

He later continues this narrative in “Each Time You Fall In Love” as he reminisces on the pitfalls of his past relationships, seemingly contradicting the optimistic statements made in “Apocalypse.” But much like young love itself, the album is full of flaws that add an unfinished, personal touch to each song. It feels as if the listener has opened Gonzalez’s diary and flipped through the pages, delving deep into his innermost thoughts. Although the album’s

core motif is romance, its genre is far from that of corny love songs. Instead, the solemn themes seep into an intoxicating atmosphere with biting lyrics that transport the listener to a gray afternoon, locked away in your room.

The entire album is sonically cohesive, and each of the songs melodically blends into the next—so much so that the listener is left wondering when the previous song ended and the new one began. You could easily put the record on shuffle to fall asleep to, or press play in your headphones and drown out the world around you. Front to back, “Cigarettes After Sex” allures listeners everywhere with an ambient, dream-like hit.

Emma Lawrence Also Loves A Good Tune

Image courtesy of deepskyobject via Wikimedia Commons.

'Cocaine Bear' is a B-movie for the modern age

Amovie named “Cocaine Bear” is a forceful statement and a beguiling intrigue. The comic absurdity of the title begs us to ask: Does the bear do cocaine? How does it procure cocaine? Why does it do cocaine? The simple pairing of the two words on the marquee suggests humor and mystery; pathos and logos; and the extensive literary history of the tragic hero. The film mercifully relieves us from our crushing questions: yes, the bear in fact does do cocaine. The cocaine was dropped from a drug plane. And the bear, like all imperfect beings, cannot resist the insidious grasp of vice.

According to IMDb, “Cocaine Bear” is Elizabeth Banks' third feature-length directing effort after “Pitch Perfect 2” (2015) and the 2019 “Charlie’s Angels” reboot. The slender comedy-horror plot is set in the mid-’80s, incited when a drug smuggler accidentally drops duffel bags of cocaine from a plane over the rural mountains in Georgia. Our eponymous bear ingests an ungodly amount of the drug, and his trip spurs a bloodthirsty rampage. Caught in the crazed bear's warpath are a Swedish tourist, emergency paramedics, law enforcement officers, drug traffickers (among whom is Ray Liotta in his final onscreen performance), a gang of teenage miscreants and a pair of children pursued by one of their mothers. It's no spoiler that many of this motley bunch don't make it to the second reel.

In an objective critique of technical craft, thematic weight and social impact, “Cocaine Bear” has less footing than polar bears on a melting iceberg. The narrative is often

threadbare, a largely surface-level shocker whose title is arguably as funny as the film is enjoyable to watch. Despite that, I love this film precisely for its uneven qualities and embrace of genre, as “Cocaine Bear” follows the time-honored sensibilities of the monster movie and animal attack formula. The monster movie is a horror subgenre refreshing to see revived with the vivacity and bluster it deserves—from the silent terror of “Nosferatu” (1922), to the sophisticated queer thriller “Cat People” (1942). “A Quiet Place” (2018) has become the genre’s modern torchbearer with a science-fiction bent; monster movies are a staple in the film canon. These are subtly-complex films, using their defining monsters as allegories to reflect the cultural landscape of the film’s diegetic settings and real-life social context. The titular bear is both a lesson that human products should not interfere in the natural environment, as well as a metaphor for Ronald Reagan’s impotent War on Drugs, which NPR’s Brian Mann posits was a justification for rampant incarceration of Black communities. The film opens with a montage of infamous 80s anti-drug PSAs, their moralizing comically subverted and undermined by the crack-fueled mayhem to follow. On the opposite end of the thematic significance spectrum are animal attack movies, where a variety of non-fictional animals attack humans (e.g. pulpy Roger Corman-produced B-movies such as “Piranha” (1978) and “Attack of the Killer Leeches” (1959)). The phrase “Cocaine Bear” is a perfect pairing of these genres: “Bear” is the denotative killer animal in the animal attack genre, and “cocaine” is both the comic premise turning our otherwise peaceful animal to a monster as well as the connotative social commentary.

“Cocaine Bear” paws through the genre context and fashions itself as a comedic monster movie that is very, very loosely adapted from the tale of an actual Kentucky black bear who, according to The New York Times, ingested a lethal 40 containers of cocaine fallen from a drug smuggling plane. It is worth noting that the real bear never killed anyone while tripping, a reality that “Cocaine Bear” flips to craft its homicidal ursine; the effect is glorious. Although there are only so many ways a bear can maul humans, Banks pushes past the bare necessities, devising creative scenarios and methods for Cocaine Bear to enact its furry wrath upon unsuspecting humans. The movie also has quite a convincing bear, rendered in beautiful CGI by the New Zealand-based special effects company Wētā FX, who, according to Hollywood Reporter, worked on this year’s Best Visual Effects Oscar winner, “Avatar: The Way of Water.” Considering that “Cocaine Bear”’s genre forebears are notable for having terrible effects due to a shoestring budget, the visual fidelity of its hibernating Terminator is unexpected, but a welcome surprise. The movie was as scary as it was funny, much to my delight; I believe horror and comedy are two sides of the same emotion and work best paired with one another.

Of course, the film could’ve used a few tweaks. Outside of Dee Dee (Brooklynn Prince) and Henry (Christian Convery), who are brought to life by convincing, charismatic child acting roles, the performances are just alright. Also, the ’80s soundtrack only really clicks during the delightful pairing of Depeche Mode’s "Just Can't Get Enough" with the bear’s killing spree, and the plot sometimes drags when we spend more time with

the humans than the bear. Banks goes into great detail establishing disposable side characters who barely impact the plot, emulating a Coen Brothers-esque typecasting in character actors Margo Martindale and Christopher Hivju, respectively playing a foppish park ranger and wistful fiancé whose screen time would’ve been better spent with more footage of the bear on cocaine. Thankfully, “Cocaine Bear”’s most powerful weapon is its brisk 95-minute runtime, an oasis from the rise of modern blockbuster runtimes that Stephen Follows identifies. As Friedrich Nietzsche said, “It is my ambition to say in 10 sentences what others say in a whole book,” although I believe he would’ve turned from nihilism had he seen “Cocaine Bear.”

“Cocaine Bear” is an often-triumphant celebration of equal parts quality and camp. It champions the venerable histories of cult filmmaking and the monster movie and animal attack subgenres through its status as an unexpected blockbuster clawing above its weight class, which outrageously made only 10 million dollars less than “Ant-Man 3” on both films’ opening weekend according to Variety. Industry shifts away from B-movie camp and Stephen Follow’s evidence of declining mid-budget filmmaking have threatened the extinction of “Cocaine Bear”’s financial niche, so to see it thrive commercially has been a wonderful underdog (underbear?) story. Is “Cocaine Bear” high art? While the bear might be high, the art isn’t. However, there was no expectation of high art, both in the film’s marketing and audience reception. All this movie needed to succeed was a bear on cocaine, and it went even further by doing justice to the B-movie—that is something worth celebrating.

‘Cocaine Bear,’ ‘Knock at the Cabin’: Defining mediocrities

Over spring break, I made a really good decision. Possibly the best decision I’ve ever made. Technically, it was two decisions: I saw Elizabeth Banks’ new B-movie-horror-comedy-extraordinaire “Cocaine Bear” twice. The first time was at an Alamo Roadhouse in Los Angeles, but that’s not the time I’m focusing on in this article. The second time I saw “Cocaine Bear” was in a back-to-back showing with M. Night Shyamalan’s new bid for the filmmaking respectability he once had thanks to “The Sixth Sense” and “Unbreakable.” He lost this cache somewhere between 2006 (shoutout to the bizarre fairytale “Lady in the Water”) and 2010 (no shoutout to his craptastic attempt to capture the magic of “Avatar” with “The Last Airbender”). Shyamalan’s newest feature, titled “Knock at the Cabin,” is an adaptation of an acclaimed book from 2018. Watching these two films—“Cocaine Bear” and “Knock at the Cabin”—provided a fascinating parallel between two types of off-center horror. Are they good? Are they worth your time? Well, uh, it’s more complicated than that. Don’t call this a review—call it a philosophy. Don’t call me a critic—call me deranged. These two movies take their inspiration from previous works, so let’s trace the adaptations. “Knock at the Cabin” is adapted from Paul Tremblay’s 2018 novel “The Cabin at the End of the World,” an adult horror novel that received a notable cosign from Stephen King. The basic premise: Couple Andrew and Eric, along with their daughter Wen, vacation at an idyllic cabin in the woods when they are approached by four strangers. These strangers break into the home

and subdue them all, revealing that visions have guided them here on a single mission: to make one of the family members sacrifice themselves, lest the apocalypse destroy the whole world except the three of them. As the family does not initially believe their captors, the tension between whether to believe their insane story or refuse the interlopers’ violent demands forms the backbone

of both the book and the film.

“Cocaine Bear,” on the other hand, is adapted from real-fucking-life. Drug smuggler Andrew C. Thornton II dumped a load of cocaine from his Cessna because the plane was too heavy, where it fell into the mountains of North Georgia (I’m proud to be from the same state as the Cocaine Bear). A bear did all the coke and died. However, “Cocaine Bear” imagines a blessed world where a bear does not die, but thrives. By “thrives,” I of course mean that it kills a lot of people in gratuitously gory ways before humans learn to leave it alone.

That’s as much description of what actually happens in either of these films as you’re going to get, because I would rather ramble on about why these films are the way they are than what exactly they depicted.

“Knock at the Cabin”’s “why” is simple: Shyamalan is still trying to shake the curse his more lackluster movies have saddled him with. Adapting a horror book that threads modern issues (the rise in anti-LGBTQ+ hate crimes, climate change, the pandemic) with ancient ones (the existential threat of apocalypse, protecting the family, the price of death) is an easy path to critical and commercial success. I’m not even clowning on Shyamalan for this approach; this book is a blessing to adapt, and there’s nothing wrong with wanting to make a good movie. Unfortunately, “Knock at the Cabin”’s respectability—its filmmaking competence, its naked eagerness to interrogate the viewers’ preconceptions, its workman-like performances from everyone who isn’t Dave Bautista—undoes it. The heights to which it aspires condemn it to the polished mediocrity of the second fusion restaurant to gentrify your neighborhood. More than anything else, Bautista playing a terrifyingly jacked second-grade teacher, with the perfect balance of gentle regret and physical menace, grounds and sharpens the film. Beyond his impressive work lies a gray slurry of tired Nu-Christian tropes.

“Cocaine Bear” aims for the mediocrity of the absurd: Its family tree includes “Sharknado,” “Baby Geniuses” and more horror-rooted fare like last year’s “They/ Them.” To call “Cocaine Bear” “respectable” is to insult it. It often seems like a cop-out to say a movie is “supposed to be dumb,” but this film avoids that by the simple fact that the actual story is so dumb. While this is an alternate history, in everything except how the bear reacts to the cocaine, it is at least technically feasible that “Cocaine Bear” could happen. This is both an advan-

tage and disadvantage over something like “Sharknado,” whose “BROOOOO, WHAT IF ANIMALS THAT ARE BIG AND DON'T KILL PEOPLE STARTED KILLING HELLA PEOPLE”' approach to scripting has clearly influenced writer Jimmy Warden. What happens in “Cocaine Bear” is sometimes funnier because nothing looks as stupidly impossible as a tornado full of sharks, but the delirious heights that “Sharknado” reaches through sheer abandon stand taller than the peaks of a movie where one bear does a lot of stimulants. Still, Banks and co. made a knowingly stupid movie that barely lasts an hour when you take out the credits sequence. While it too is mediocre, its mediocrity is not of the same stuff as “Knock at the Cabin;” it does not play with the demure politeness of an adaptation of a Serious Book. Instead, it hums with the slapdash chaos of what Thornton actually did.

On top of being more interesting, this mediocrity feels true in a way that “Knock at the Cabin” does not. Shyamalan has regrettably crafted a movie which, in its quest for a Fresh rating on Rotten Tomatoes, feels beige and boring. It isn’t frightening, sad or uplifting, and its message ends up being that sometimes gay people have to kill their concussed spouses to save the world. “Cocaine Bear”’s message is if a bear does cocaine, don’t try to steal its cocaine or kick its cubs. Only one of these is a sustainable worldview, and, spoiler alert, it isn’t the former. Not all mediocrities are alike; I couldn’t tell you whether “Knock at the Cabin” or “Cocaine Bear” is better or more worth your time/money, but I can tell you which one I liked more and which one’s mediocrity felt aspirational rather than dull. It’s the one about the big bear that does a lot of coke.

Max Norman Also Saw "Cocaine Bear"

Image courtesy of Kumustaka via Pixabay.

Jesse Koblin Saw "Cocaine Bear"

Free your knees: A campus curse strikes again

Luke Jenkins Assistant Feet-ures Editor

My ears perk up, just the slightest twitch. I’m awake. I check the weather app. The high of 60 degrees sends me into a ferocious craze, a vicious fervor. My drawers open with a triumphant swoosh, hands shoveling deep down into shirts, pants, chunks of fabric that go unidentified as I search and search the cavernous space of my dresser. My eyes lock on my target. Shorts. In 10 minutes I’m outside, the birds chirping their morning song. I take a deep breath in, imagining the

months ahead, for you, for me, for us. Make it known, far and wide, a new era of campus life is upon us. Hibernation has ceased. Well-rested, our knees are emerging from a hardy winter. The knees we’ve been hiding under jeans, sweatpants and dresses. These knees, like trusty swords, are now unsheathed, on full display in cute mini skirts and tasteful jorts.

Like zealous knights, we ride into battle— legs first—ready to confront our soon-arriving finals, summer internships, old stomping grounds. Gone are the times for meekness, hiding our legs because of some-

thing as trivial as freezing temperatures. We are bold, dare I say fearlessly consequential. And what’s more fearlessly consequential than wearing weather-appropriate clothing? Nothing.

With the arrival of spring—and by extension, shorts and skirts—we become a campus of Bella Hadids. Watch as we strut to and fro the Deece, squirrels watching in awe, cheeks gaping as we pass. Their squirrel brains marvel at our exposed limbs, their squirrel voices choked up by squirrel tears at our arresting figures.

You, however, are reluctant to shed your

floor-length pants, boot-cut or baggy, even as tulips and daffodils bloom, as temperatures rise to the ’70s, ’80s. Why hide your towering legs from the rising spring sun? A wise and omniscient soul once said: “If you got ‘em… flaunt ’em.” Shorts, skirts, jorts, jirts—hoist them up like a flag on your body. Let your thighs be a beacon of light, a symbol of truth, a melodic alma mater.

Be shocked at how fellow students stop and salute as you pass. Relish in the extensions your professors grant you, too busy to grade your paper on the ethics of microbreweries when sporting their navy blue bermudas.

Watch as everything you know and love crumbles around you as a shorts and skirts obsession takes the campus by storm. Sit in a resolute silence as the Matthew Vassar sculpture outside of Main is covered in a plaid H&M mini skirt, when the Commencement speaker is replaced with a mannequin wearing only baggy, sage-green capris.

Will short-wearing stop next winter? Everyone moves on, but you do not. You now demand shorts even when it’s freezing. You run from class to class, bare skin on display, crazed hair whipping wildly behind you. People see you sprinting to and fro the Brew, iced drink in hand, defying the power of Mother Nature once again. Your resolve grows stronger as the snowpack thickens, as the stares of weirded-out classmates intensify. Your knees grow hardy, resilient, your calves strengthened by your constant need to run for warmth. Your friends worry about you. They brush it off as just a harmless phase. You are a shorts-clad supersoldier, who reports to no one but yourself.

One day, you grow weary of your knees being on display, but you find you're powerless to stop the need to wear skirts or shorts. Pants seem to repel themselves when you try and pull them on, a magnetic force pushing the garment away. What to do? You grow frantic, embarrassed, a recluse. You search for answers, anything to get back to your life before. You immerse yourself in Vassar history, spending days and nights in the library searching for a remedy, a solution. Surely a student has gone through this before, surely they were able to reverse it. You grow tired, out of ideas. In a desperate last attempt at seeking help, you type your query as a reply to President Bradley’s Sunday email. The music swells. You hit send from your cracked iPhone screen. And then silence.

Buzz. She replies in 60 seconds, an ominous “come see me for tea.” You go. Bradley shares the solution with you as you sip on your English Breakfast. You gasp as you hear it, taking in too much liquid, a slight snorting of tea escaping you. Your eyes widen. You're confused. She explains. The repulsion of floor-length clothing is strongest itself in the ankles, calves and knees, but it’s not impenetrable. The solution, as the students of Vassar’s yesteryear discovered, was the hoop skirt. Pants were an impossibility to put on, but the hoop-

skirt, secured at the waist without contact below the thigh, acts as an all-encompassing force inward against the repulsion. With enough hoop skirt wearing, the force field collapses in on itself, and your legs regain their autonomy.

You gobble up this knowledge, hope now

in your heart, and head to the Tri-Annual Dutchess County Hoop Skirt Convention. You hoist yourself into one promptly, refusing to take it off for days, waiting for the wretched fashion curse to leave you. The next Sunday, it does. Good riddance, you think, as you attempt to shove the hoop

skirt into the deep recesses of your closet. You're eager to forget the semester’s torments, your incredible journey, but deep, deep down, a different thought can’t help but emerge. You feel confident, powerful and free. Dare I say fearlessly consequential.

Image courtesy of Lola Yost ’26.

Luke Jenkins/The Miscellany News.

“Studying in Madrid this semester has been a cultural experience unlike any other. Living with a host family while being a university student abroad has been such an eye-opening and immensely educational experience. Between speaking the language, eating the food and being immersed in the culture of a Spanish family, I have learned more than I ever could in a classroom. Before we arrived in Madrid, we spent two weeks in Granada, a much smaller city in the south of Spain. This time was invaluable in adjusting to the culture and getting to know the other students in our program before moving in with families and starting classes. Being an art history student in Madrid has also been incredible as I’ve been able to visit almost all of the works we have discussed in my classes—an experience I’ve never had before. With the Vassar-Wesleyan program, I’ve made incredible friends, spent time all over Spain and gained a second family in just two months, and I cannot wait for the next two!”

-Jane Lipper '24

“I’ve been to Singapore once before, but I was three years old and didn’t remember anything. But, I knew that I wanted to study abroad here because I really missed Asian food and culture. Overall, it’s vastly different from Poughkeepsie, and there are numerous things that I’ve learned from the students here. They have a school-wide group chat which is super convenient for everyone to connect with each other. All the club and school events are very fun as well and are well-attended. It is really nice to go out at least twice a week into the city with little to no cost, and the food has been great! I am enjoying the classes—I’m taking two with Yale-NUS and two with NUS, and I appreciate the mix.I especially love my course on Vietnamese literature and history. I feel close to myself, which is something I’ve been missing ^-^”

-Klaire Pham '24

“When I think of Copenhagen, one of the first things that comes to mind is the wind, like the frosty gust that greeted me the moment I left the airport in January. I’ve come to expect and appreciate the wind, whether I’m riding my bike to class in the morning or taking a walk down Strøget in the afternoon.

To me, the wind is actually a metaphor for study abroad. At first it feels uncomfortable, somewhat daunting. You’re tempted to retreat back into the safe and familiar indoors. But you need to get where you’re going, so you adapt. They have a saying in Denmark: ‘There’s no bad weather, only bad clothes.’ While I’ve adopted this mindset literally with my beanies and sweaters, I’m trying to adopt it figuratively as well.

For many, the value in studying abroad is only partially in getting to spend a semester living in and learning about a new country. It’s also about taking a step back from your normal life and being truly on your own, maybe for the first time ever. You gain so much perspective and learn so much about yourself and others. As we enter into adulthood, life will feel strange, sometimes like a cold, gray and windy day. What matters is how we cope with the strangeness, knowing we have the tools to do so.”

-Will Sorge '24

Image courtesy of Will Sorge '24.

Images courtesy of Klaire Pham '24.

Images courtesy of Jane Lipper '24.

Breaking news

the desk of Madi Donat, Irrelevant Clown Vassar pickleball revival

From

Evil evil beasts to attack campus run and hide NOW NOW NOW the beasts are coming and they are so so evil

Nandini Likki Gherkin Girl

The ball sensation that’s sweeping the nation has finally swept Vassar’s campus. Of course, I’m talking about pickleball. If you don’t know what pickleball is, have you been living under a rock? Are you stupid? Did you fail the PACER test in middle school and had to go home crying about it to your mom like a little wuss? Pickleball actually doesn’t involve any marinated cucumbers as one might assume, but is in fact a sport where players hit with paddles a ball perforated with holes (giving the appearance of a pickle, I guess?) over a net. It’s similar to tennis, but differs in the sense that it makes you look like a 60-yearold with back problems while playing the game.

Despite its complete lack of appeal in my opinion, pickleball has massively grown in popularity within the past few years, leading to thousands of pickleball tournaments where balls are paddled, and supportive friendships are slowly tested in the audience. Recently, Vassar students have taken to the tennis courts to play pickleball themselves. On a sunny afternoon, you can see groves of young pickleball players drawing chalk lines and cranking nets down on tennis courts due to the sport using just a slightly smaller court (which they literally didn’t even need to do as the tennis courts have smaller lines anyway, but NO, those are simply TOO PROPORTIONAL for the contrarian pickleballers!). The undue strain on the tennis nets can cause them to weaken and lead them to prematurely break. In other news, Vassar’s tennis costs skyrocketed as teams scramble to buy new

Bathroom signs baffle

tennis nets.

“I just think the game is a lot of fun,” one anonymous pickleball lover commented. “When I hear that eardrum-splitting popping sound of ball hitting net, my pickle starts balling. And I know the name carries a lot of unnecessary innuendo, but what sport doesn’t? I mean, football? That’s basically public foreplay. I know I’m sporting a semi every time I happen to catch Sunday’s game.” I think this player is doing foreplay wrong.

“I think it’s stupid,” Madi Donat ’23 [Disclaimer: Madi Donat is Humor Editor for The Miscellany News] guffawed. “Just play tennis or pick up another sport. Vassar’s reputation is already in the gutter, and now we have anemic theater kids playing a sport that’s making them look like what’s been called ‘the lantern flies of the sports world.’ Anyway, do you want to get dinner after this? I really want to check out that British concept at Global.”

Whether you’re a relish raconteur or a cucumber critic, there’s no doubt that pickleball is here to stay. Until it gets swept up by the next viral sport. Who knows? Maybe skateboarding will finally make a comeback.

Oliver Stewart Toilet User

New signs have been appearing on stall doors in bathrooms all over Vassar’s campus, confusing students with their negative and often contradictory messages. Whereas previous bathroom signs have encouraged healthy drug and alcohol habits, responsible study practices and robust personal hygiene, the new signs reject all of these ideas in favor of absurd claims and extreme negativity.

Multiple students contacted The Miscellany News about the signs, claiming to have noticed major changes in the behavior of their friends and acquaintances. “My roommate hasn’t showered in two weeks,” one student said. “The bathroom sign told him that you should only wash yourself when Mars and Venus are in conjunction.”

“My friends have all stopped studying,” another told us. “The signs said that watching “Beethoven" (1992) was the most effective way to improve your exam results and that 0nly ‘grade-A dweebs’ studied the material before a big test. At this point, I don’t know anymore. Maybe they’re right.”

Health Service has seen an uptick in students coming into Baldwin with vomiting, dizziness and nausea after embarking on a “syrup cleanse” recommended by the new bathroom signs. When asked what exactly a syrup cleanse was, the students scoffed.

“Isn’t it obvious? You get rid of all that unnatural stuff in your diet—water, baking soda, strawberries, ham—and replace it with syrup, just like our ancestors did.”

When pressed for more details, the student continued. “You know, all kinds of syrup. Maple, cough, chocolate, high fructose

corn, you name it.”

The President’s Office and Health Service are working on a mass email warning students to avoid the syrup cleanse trend and make sure not to fall for bathroom posters unless they are officially from the Office of Health Promotion & Education, which provides reliable information from trustworthy sources.

Unfortunately, the new posters bear the stamp of the similarly-named Office of Health Promotion’t & Education’t, a cause of great confusion.

The Miscellany News reached out to President of the College Elizabeth Bradley for comment on whether or not this is a real, official office of the College. She responded promptly, albeit curtly, in an email: “No.”

Vassar to embrace Web 3.0, transition to crypto

Your college experience is about to get a lot more futuristic. On Monday, Feb. 27, Dean Gus D. Weebuloid—newly-hired chair of Vassar Advanced Payments and Educational Reorientation Services(VAPERS)—announced that Vassar College would be weaving blockchain elements into its educational structure, as well as requiring that all payments to Vassar be sent in cryptocurrency.

“This is gonna be, like, dope, dude,” said Weebuloid, 24 and coincidentally a long-lost nephew of President Elizabeth Bradley. “No, like, seriously, we’re going to the moon with this shizz. I’ve got a bunch of sick ideas for what to do next, and the Board of Directors granted me full executive authority to implement all of them, so, like, hold on to your socks.”

At a chaotic press conference in the Villard Room, Weebuloid enumerated the long list of changes that the College would be making to its educational system beginning in the fall. Among the major shifts that VAPERS will be spearheading is a total transition to distance education. Vassar will be an all-online uni-

versity, and students will be able to generate NFTs, or non-fungible tokens, through the Learn-to-Earn, Get Internet Thingies (LEGIT) system. However, some students reacted negatively to the proposal.

“I’d say I had no idea what Dean Weebuloid was smoking, but I could smell him from the back of the Villard Room, so I definitely do,” junior Jim E. Jamsworth said. “Why on Earth is this crazy stoner suddenly the king of Vassar? I hate distance learning, and I really don’t get NFTs either. Why should I spend hours in Spanish class just to get a fake Internet image?”

Sources of student concern about the viability of NFTs as a store of value include the current crypto crash as well as the fact that non-fungible tokens are sometimes literally JPGs of stoned-looking monkeys that you can easily just copy and paste. In response, Weebuloid announced two new policies: Vassar will guarantee up to 3.5 percent of the value of each student’s crypto wallet, and all student computers will also be permanently banned from right clicking. However, many students viewed these measures as insufficient.“I just don’t get it,” first-year Harold Mehta said. “I got a letter from Vassar demanding my next semester’s tuition in Pepecoin, but I just

checked Coinbase and it looks like it spiked in value today by 35,499 percent? And now I owe the school almost $25 million? If my parents weren’t rich investment bankers in Park Slope, this would be a real issue for me. Or I guess I could wait until tomorrow, when it will lose all its value again.”

Professors in the Economics Department were especially displeased by the school’s measures: “I can’t believe that we’re handing over control of our economy to a bunch of Discord moderators who all look like Peter Griffin,” Justine Wing ’83, Junior Professor, said. “And I really can’t believe that people are making billions of dollars doing this. It makes me question the value of everything I’ve spent my life studying and all the life choices that have led to this point—and the whole reason I picked this field over Drama was to avoid that feeling!”

The Miscellany News reached out to the Board of Directors for comment, but received in response only a poorly-photoshopped image of a dancing Pepe the Frog. However, one anonymous Board member could be reached at a public pay phone whose location The Misc pinpointed to a stretch of Route 9 just outside a dark, dank tunnel.

“Look, okay, it’s part of the strategy,” the

Board member said, pausing for a long, phlegmy bout of smoker’s cough. “You just have to trust us. Remember when we refused to let you take the COVID courses pass-fail? You know how we’re spending millions of dollars on the donor-stroking Inn and Institute, rather than living wages for student workers? It’s all for a reason. Believe me, Vassar is going to be unrecognizable in a decade—and it’s all going to be absolutely worth it. Just trust the process.”

Meanwhile, some students questioned what was going to be done with the campus buildings if the school is really going 100 percent online. However, at press time, intrepid Misc reporters discovered a file accidentally saved to a public Google Drive named “RaymondLuxuryApartments.pdf.” This may serve as an indication of the future direction of the school, as well as proof that we would all be better off if North America simply sank into the Atlantic Ocean. However, one student seemed unbothered by all the controversy: “I’m graduating in May, so sayonara, suckers,” Alyssa Willeford ’23, a Misc contributor widely hailed as the Bob Woodward of completely made-up reporting, said. “All these issues are yours now. As for me? I’m going on to bigger things. McDonald’s, here I come!”

Alyssa Willeford Total Alpha

Sandro Lorenzo/The Miscellany News.

Oliver Stewart/The Miscellany News.

Continued from BLAST on page 1

much to see—likely just a large cloud of smoke, similar in consistency to the soft puff of an almost-drained vape. Interestingly, The Blast’s smell will also be vapelike, although the exact flavor/scent has yet to be determined. “Past blastings have smelled like blue razz or peachy mango. I kinda feel like Vassar gives off a pink lemonade vibe. We have a poll running down here at the office, and I have significant money on the line, so fingers crossed!” shared the same Verdi employee.

The Blast will be announced by a series of seven whistles. The first whistle indicates that the blasting crew members have arrived at the site. Whistle two means that they are beginning to eat their pre-blast lunch (a Jersey Mike’s #7). Whistle three means they have finished their lunch. Whistle four marks the mandatory bathroom break for all crew members. Whistle five is just for fun. Whistle six is serious. Finally, whistle seven will sound seconds before The Big Blast.

Jaeger explained, “You’re probably fine to be on campus for the first five whistles. The crew likes to take its time during lunch, really enjoy the subs.” But as soon as Vassar community members hear the sixth whistle, they should immediately evacuate with the blasting crew. “If you can hear the seventh whistle, it is already too late. You, too, will be Blasted.”

To avoid this unfortunate fate, students should prepare an escape plan. Luckily, the day of The Blast is a Saturday, meaning that the Saturday shuttle is a viable option for leaving campus prior to its destruction. “I think I’d rather spend my day at the Poughkeepsie Galleria than be blasted,” a

Gordon Commons pasta lies

first-year shared, after taking a considerable pause to consider the pros and cons of the situation.

Students with cars have a significant advantage over their peers and are taking full advantage of this opportunity, with the average seat selling for a dozen eggs—a fair trade, given the current egg economy.

Meanwhile, Vassar security is preparing to break up physical altercations, as students fight for access to the school’s one (1, singular) Zipcar.

Student responses to the announcement have been overwhelmingly indifferent. The most emotion expressed was from a distraught sophomore: “I transferred here

Continued from PASTA on page 1

Miss Likki continued, “Again, it absolutely 100 percent was not me who did it. But if I knew who did it, I would congratulate them because they did the right thing, and it probably wouldn’t even be that hard to convince them to come to campus. Not that I would know.”

Some students, it is true, were confused about the willingness of the FBI to so readily investigate these crimes. I was able to reach out to one field agent who explained their process: “When President Bradley called us, I knew it was serious,” they said. “I guess the complaint had gotten something like 50 student signatures? That’s a lot.”

cream sauce with olives.

because my old college was also blasted into smithereens. I can’t win.”

So what’s next for Vassar? In an exclusive interview, Bradley announced: “We are so excited to reveal that following The Blast, the charred, uninhabitable land where Vassar College once stood will provide ample space to begin construction on one giant tennis court.”

Former Vassar students will fortunately have access to the giant tennis court, for the price of $85,220 per year, not including tennis gear.

When asked about why they chose to come to Vassar instead of stopping actual crimes, the agent admitted the relative oddity of their coming to Vassar specifically: “People have been asking us, ‘shouldn't you be going after terrorists or cyber crimes or something?’ and I'm just like, nah, we’re good.” On why they chose this institution in which to pour money and resources, the agent declined to answer directly. “We are concerned with all instances of rule-breaking. Plus, it seems like Americans don’t trust us anymore, which is crazy, as there’s no reason for them to possibly think that. With little acts of justice like this, we’re hoping to right our reputation in the eyes of citizens everywhere.”

Perhaps the most upsetting conclusion of the study was that the Deece was not only falsely advertising pasta shapes, but entire pasta dishes as well. Just last week, it was reported that the website and physical menus listed an orzo pilaf at Home, yet many diners actually received fusilli in a

The tests performed by the field agents were rigorous and extensive, as our investigative reporters were able to witness firsthand. The G-people reportedly took cross-sections of every pasta shape served and placed them under industrial microscopes to measure their ridges and circumference, then tested them in a chemical solution to extract the percentage of semolina in each. These were cross-referenced with the International Pasta Database (IPD) to exactly determine pasta shape. Other more observant agents would take noodles and check them against a pasta shape chart, which now hangs on the walls of the kitchen, as well as by the soda fountains for easy due diligence from diners and workers alike.

Though Vassar was found to be in breach of contract, it appears that no legal consequences will follow. “We’ve been given a warning not to make these mistakes again,” President Bradley stated in an email conversation with The Misc. “We’re working really hard to further our commitment to transparency among the students, and I can say without a shadow of a doubt that this was, as they say, our bad.”

Administration was also in contact about a continuation of the investigation process; each week, an agent will visit the kitchens to confirm that the pastas being served are listed correctly in menus both online and in person.

“We don’t care how much paper we have to print out to update menus when we run out of fun noodles,” one Deece worker said. “We are never going to deal in misinformation and half-truths again. It simply isn’t right.”

Pump it up! Functional condiment dispensers return

A Vassar College Dining Instagram post described the details of the change to the student body in a Notes app screenshot: “We are sorry for the pain that the handsfree machines may have caused. While we have made the decision to replace them, we also stand by the belief that the dispensers had a 100 percent success rate during their tenure when used properly, and that it was rather students' general ineptitude which caused the machines to fail. To be clear, the problem was that your pea-sized brains simply couldn’t handle the concept of not touching a condiment dispenser to make it work. In the midst of learning the com-

plexities of counterpoint and multivariable calculus, you have unlearned how to operate basic machines. To put it in words your pea-sized brains can understand, you can't make ketchup go splurt splurt, and it’s your fault. Also, sometimes we just didn’t refill the machines. That’s on us.”

I talked to some students who were excited about the change. As one student put it, “You really feel like you’re pumping ketchup now—and you are. The precision of pump-action dispensers is truly liberating. I walk around the Deece with the peppiest step and the ketchupiest plate.”

Since Vassar made the change, Heinz’s stock price has gone up 38 percent. Mayo

consumption on campus has increased tenfold. I also talked to another student who had mixed feelings about the new dispensers: “What I liked about the old condiment machines is that they provided accountability. Whenever I had enough mayo or mustard on a particular night, the machine would cut me off, even if it hadn’t dispensed anything out. The machine just knew I didn’t need it,” the student explained.

Vassar College Dining also announced in an Instagram post that it would be hosting dispenser-smashing events. “Here’s some pea-brain antics you guys might be into. We’re gonna hang two of the dispensers in classic piñata-formation and fill them

to the brim with condiment packets. One swing per student. Aluminum bats provided. Another pair of dispensers will be dropped off the roof of Jewett and filmed in slow motion (we're really hoping to get our YouTube channel off the ground this year). The last two will be thrown into an active volcano, following a heartfelt memorial service catered by Twisted Soul.”

It's hard not to be excited about the change. In a year where robots are continuously attempting to steal our precious jobs, one job that the robots seemingly can't touch is ketchup pumping, and that’s something my pea-sized brain can get behind.

STICK FIGURES OF VASSAR

"I transferred here because my old college was also blasted into smithereens. I can’t win."

ARIES

March 21 |

April 19

ספוקסורוה

תאנוד ידאם Knower of Ancient Texts

Älä anna ajan karkaa sinusta tällä viikolla. Ole ahkera. Älä jätä tehtäviä sivuun viime hetkellä. Sinun on hyvä kirjoittaa tehtävälista. Se tekee elämästäsi helpompaa.

TAURUS

April 20 |

May 20

GEMINI

May 21 |

June 20

Wklv flskhu zdv qdphg diwhu Fdhvdu, zkrvh olih zdv vdg ehfdxvh klv iulhqgv glgq'w olnh klp dqg kh glgq'w hyhq nqrz. Eh krqhvw zlwk brxu ihholqjv wklv zhhn; qr rqh olnhv ehlqj vwdeehg lq wkh edfn—ru wkh iurqw.

LIBRA

Sept. 23 |

Oct. 22

I really just think that Greg from “Succession” is a mark of the folly inherent in human nature and a stand-in for the downfall of capitalism. It’s really very simple, but if you need help I’ve created a guide on my television blog outlining every line of his that I deem important to this arc. Find it here: tinyurl.com/bdd6hu5n.

SCORPIO

Oct. 23 |

Nov. 21

Ba ba doo bap! Ba daia dada doodleoo doo doo doobedoo WAH! Sha-boobedoop boobado BABADAYAUM DEE dat, skadoobadood’n deedleada doodlada dadada hey!

SAGITTARIUS

Nov. 22 |

Dec. 21

CANCER

June 21 |

July 22

3 cups of carrots, chopped. 2 sticks of celery, chopped. 1 large onion, chopped. 4 cloves of garlic, minced or crushed. One large glug of olive oil. A few sprigs of fresh rosemary. 1 tbsp of all-purpose flour. Meat.

CAPRICORN

Dec. 22 |

Jan. 19

LEO

July 23 |

Aug. 22

Weird growth on foot WebMD. Weird growth on foot Healthline. Why do I smell like tuna when I did not eat tuna. Do I have avian flu. Do I have avian flu 2023. Do you have avian flu NYT. Do I have avian flu BuzzFeed. Keith BuzzFeed. Shane BuzzFeed. Shane BuzzFeed sexy.

AQUARIUS

Jan. 20 |

Feb. 18

At first I was afraid, I was petrified/ Kept thinking I could never live without you by my side/ But then I spent so many nights thinking how you did me wrong/ And I grew strong/ And I learned how to get along/ And so you’re back/ From outer space/ I just walked in to find you here with that sad look upon your face/ I should have changed that stupid lock, I should have made you leave your key/ If I’d known for just one second you’d be back to bother me/ Go on now, go, walk out the door/ Just turn around now/ ’Cause you're not welcome anymore/ Weren’t you the one who tried to hurt me with goodbye?/ You think I’d crumble?/ You think I’d lay down and die?/ Oh no, not I, I will survive/ Oh, as long as I know how to love, I know I’ll stay alive/ I’ve got all my life to live/ And I’ve got all my love to give and I’ll survive/ I will survive, hey, hey

Tell ALLL your friends you’ve got a super-charged VITAMIX BLENDER! Make dips! Spreads! Smoothies! ANNNNND PROTEIN SHAKES, all from the comfort of your OWN! HOME! It even makes SOUP by heating up components AS YOU BLEND THEM! And it could be YOURS! All for the low, low price of TWO! NINETY! NINE! NINETY! NINE!

Seven oysters that will change the way you look at sea creatures. Twelve of the most underrated bakeries in Las Vegas. This one quiz will tell you what strain of weed you should smoke. Pick your favorite desserts and we’ll tell you which member of BTS wants to fuck you the least.

PISCES

Feb. 19 |

March 20

Poetry Corner by Anna Kozloski

OBSERVATION #3

The average baboon is indifferent to over mitts.

Hypothetical monorail system revolutionizes campus

Maryam Bacchus Unpaid Adobe Intern

Picture this: It’s Monday morning, and you spent the night in your situationship’s Jewett coffin. You’re running late for your 9 a.m., already out of breath from running down eight flights of stairs because the singular elevator in the building refuses to stop on their floor. Lo and behold, you hit the lobby and make a beeline to the door, only to be confronted by bright eyes, bushy tails and red lanyards. Your biggest fear is realized as a tour group led by a student with too much pep in their step for the time of day and day of the week makes its way single-file into the building. You freeze, like you’ve been caught by that one aunt who enjoys airing out your business to the whole family, as their eyes dart around the room and toward you. As

you duck out the door and into the rain, which you were also not prepared for, you ponder a solution to the humiliation. Then it dawns on you: Vassar should have a monorail.

Think about it: prospective students are already gawking at you and the campus as if Vassar is a foreign habitat and you’re a prime example of what it’s like to live here. Why not give them the full viewing experience and have a cute little train that zooms them around campus and conveniently out of your way? It would also add the NewYork-City flair many out-of-staters come to Vassar hoping to experience, in contrast to the otherwise small-town vibe of the campus.

Let’s talk logistics. By day, the monorail would be reserved for tour groups in the first few cars, and by night, a full-fledged savvy

replacement to the current campus shuttle system that many of us forget about. Not only would prospective students benefit from this system, but the cross-campus commute of current students would be revolutionized!

The system would specifically prove an asset to the STEM majors who enrolled in an introductory dance course immediately after their four-hour lab thinking it would de-stress them, but instead found themselves sprinting from the academic quad to Kenyon with all of 10 minutes on the clock.

Of course, many good things in life come with a catch. The time is now 5:55 p.m. on a Thursday, and you’re trying to get from Josselyn House to Sanders Physics for your 6 p.m. Computer Science lab. Dressed in PJs you’ve had since middle school, you hop onto the hypothetical, oh-so-convenient monorail and encounter your friend’s friend

who you matched with on Tinder and never responded to. Shame engulfs you, and you awkwardly wave, only for them to pretend like you don’t exist. Like many other Vassar students who are not subject to back-to-back lab days, this individual is already dressed for the weekend, probably taking the monorail over to the TAs. You become painfully aware of your lack of fashion sense and count the stops until the quad. The silver lining of this particular situation is that instead of wondering whether the blurry figure approaching you was indeed who you thought it was, you received immediate confirmation, saved from awkward squinting and stumbling over yourself in the process.

So the next time you find yourself late to class, attempting to outpace a tour group without embarrassing yourself, consider petitioning for a campus monorail!

Goodbye Vassar organs, hello Panda Express

Throughoutmusical history, the organ has been seen as a beautiful, glorious instrument. Played only in the most venerable and sacred settings, the machine hums and breathes as though it were a living being, controlled remarkably by the dextrous individuals who dare to play it. This centuries-old tradition of organ music has continued into the upstanding institutions of today. Vassar College has three beautiful organs, two in Skinner Hall and one in the Chapel. I have witnessed all three organs played with grace and dignity. However, it’s time for them to go.

I have nothing against the organ, besides the fact that it is loud and scary and loud and hard to play and loud. Rather, my issue lies in the fact that they take up hundreds of square footage of space, perhaps better allocated to something else. I argue that what Vassar really needs is not these large

musical beasts but rather some upstanding dining establishments.

“You really could fit a whole kitchen back there,” says organ student Nicholas Tillinghast ’25 [Disclaimer: Tillinghast is Humor Editor for The Miscellany News], referring to the crypt of the Chapel organ. “I took a look in there once, and it was insane how much empty space there was. Plus, did you know there’s no Panda Express anywhere near the Vassar campus? A project like that would bring the betterment of all students, not just the five percent of the student body who can stand listening to Bach.”

Maria Cusick ’26, a lifelong organist, echoed Tillinghast’s statement. “Yeah, they make beautiful music, but that’s not enough anymore. I want to be able to buy an Impossible Whopper WITHIN the walls of Skinner Hall. And we just can’t make that happen with all those pipes in the way.” When prompted, Cusick stated her readiness to give up on the instrument if it meant a Burger King could live within the campus gates.

“Sure, I’ve dedicated my life to this music, but I’d throw all of that out the window if it meant I could flip burgers to stimulate the campus economy. Plus, I’d never have to eat a Retreat turkey and cheese again.”

While removing all three of Vassar’s working organs may seem like a big deal, consider that there are in fact two organs in Skinner Hall that are already non-functional. Taking out those pipes—and all the complicated electricity that comes with them— would be an incredibly easy step into the fast-food franchising business.

“I think it’s a great idea,” Senior Lecturer in Music Drew Minter agreed. “What’s going through those organ pipes? Air. Just air! Not water or coolant or anything. All that metal used for a whole lotta nothin’. You could use that metal for so many more things than just moving air really fast through it. Plus, I’ve literally never been intrigued or amazed by any organ playing ever, so it wouldn’t even matter if they got rid of them; you can hear professionals

play the organ on TikTok 24/7 anyway. I wouldn’t even be able to tell the difference if they were gone tomorrow, except for if there were beautiful scents of a Subway wafting down our hallowed halls. That would be epic.”

Some may be saddened by the removal of such historical objects, but never fear—if specs allow, it could be nice to leave some of the larger pipes to be used as a pneumatic delivery system. “We’ve got it all set up,” explains Pike Stewart, head contractor for Organ Removals, LLC. “You bring a suction system into the tubes that are already built in, and boom; you’ve got yourself a nice, high-tech form of delivery that’ll knock people’s socks off way more than some paltry so-called ‘music.’”

I know it may be a tough change at first, but change is good for all of us. It’s abundantly clear–now more than ever—the organs have to go. And any restaurant that can get chicken nuggets out to the music-going public is as good a replacement as any.

Madi Donat Philistine

Madi Donat/The Miscellany News.

Japan wins the 2023 World Baseball Classic

Isabel Rhee A Sports Writer!

The World Baseball Classic (WBC) was back in action after six years: Nations and fans around the world gathered during this two-week series to discover which country would be named the king of baseball.

Tuesday’s championship showdown in Miami, FL did not disappoint. The U.S., spearheaded by Major League Baseball (MLB) superstar Mike Trout, faced Japan, led by the 2021 American League MVP Shohei Ohtani. The U.S. struck first, as shortstop Trea Turner sent a solo homerun soaring over the left field wall in the top of the second inning. Turner, who currently plays for the MLB team, the Philadelphia Phillies, had been a valuable player throughout the tournament, launching a total of four clutch home runs for the U.S. prior to the championship game. This fifth home run presented itself as a beacon of hope for the Americans (now leading 1-0), who were looking to defend their reigning world title from 2017.

But in an instant, the Japanese were quick to respond and take the lead.

In the bottom of the second inning, infielder Munetaka Murakami quickly tied the game, hammering the first pitch into the stands for his first solo home run of the tournament. Within the next few minutes the bases were loaded with only one out. Lars Nootbaar—a young outfielder of the St. Louis Cardinals MLB team who opted to represent Japan in this tournament—then hit a ground ball that got him out at first, but allowed the Japanese to take the lead (2-

1, Japan).

In the rather long game of baseball, nine innings of play meant there were many opportunities for the opposing team to capitalize and gain the advantage. The Japanese had just done so after Turner’s home run. So, it was disappointing to see the U.S. fail to take back the lead for the remainder of the game. Its roster was stacked with professional and experienced players who have all been in similar situations before. Yet, even with the additional support from having the home field advantage, these fan favorites frustratingly struck out during the game’s most critical moments.

But regardless of who you were cheering for, every play became worth it once the ninth inning approached. There was one big question on everyone’s mind leading up to the game: Will we witness a Trout and Ohtani showdown? Both are not only high-profile athletes but also teammates on the Los Angeles Angels MLB team. Every viewer wanted to see Trout, a long-time veteran of the MLB with over a decade’s worth of professional play, at the plate facing Ohtani, who many argue to be the greatest baseball player in the world today. When this moment eventually arrived, it could not have been more perfect and was almost too cinematic to be real: With a full count (three balls and two strikes), two outs and the U.S. down by one, everyone in the audience held their breath, wondering which player would best the other.

As Trout’s final swing made contact with nothing but air, Ohtani threw his glove and rejoiced. This was a beautiful moment to witness live, and while upsetting for the U.S., I could not help but be happy for Ja-

pan. While this victory is no new feeling for them, having already won the WBC twice before, somehow this one felt sweeter. It was a well-earned win, as Japan outpitched the powerful offensive batters of the U.S. and out-ran the bases with greater speed and strategy. And, while it may be a small country relative to other competitors in this tournament, Japan has produced and sent tremendously talented players to the Major Leagues including Ichiro Suzuki (former outfielder) of the Seattle Mariners and Masahiro Tanaka (former pitcher) of the New York Yankees, just to name a few. I had the pleasure of being able to watch

both players years ago, and it makes me eager to see how standout international athletes such as Ohtani will continue to break records and make way for Japan’s future in baseball.

By the end of the game, it was clear to me Ohtani deserved to be the MVP of the game. He showed up when he needed to and executed perfectly under pressure. During his time in the Major League, he has made himself a household name due to his illustrious ability to be an incomparable two-way player; it was no shock he walked away as the star of the night. So keep an eye out for him, as the MLB kicks off its regular season today, March 30th.

Brooklyn Nets to play NBA game at Vassar's AFC

In the waking hours of Feb. 9, ESPN NBA Insider Adrian Wojnarowski broke the news of a blockbuster trade between the Phoenix Suns and Brooklyn Nets that sent all-time great Kevin Durant to Phoenix. For the Nets, the trade marked the end of a three-year rollercoaster ride in which the franchise rose to the top of NBA relevance with championship expectations after forming a team around the trio of Durant, Kyrie Irving and James Harden. But, while the team seemed destined for greatness, it never really came close to it. Harden was the first to go, with a trade request that sent him to the Philadelphia 76ers at last year’s trade deadline. At this year’s trade deadline, the seemingly perpetually disgruntled Irving was sent to the Dallas Mavericks. Left without all-star teammates, Durant requested out of Brooklyn.

In what felt like an instant, the Nets went from one of the NBA’s most intriguing teams to one without the star power that is needed to garner mainstream attention. As stars left Brooklyn, so did the fans that follow the big names. Sure, dismantling a championship caliber roster hurts a franchise in the wins column. But, losing the revenue that comes with such great relevance hurts even more in their checkbooks. Immediately, revenue has to be the priority. The Nets know this, and it is why they have decided to start attempting to grow their fanbase with a campaign called “The Next Net.”.

The campaign, which was announced last week, is an effort focused on tapping into Brooklyn’s surrounding areas where

the franchise believes basketball fans are waiting to be born. And rather than try to compete for the other three boroughs' attention with their rival New York Knicks that play in Manhattan, the franchise is focusing on finding their “Next Nets” in the more northern parts of New York state.

That’s why on April 7, the Nets are taking their Barclays Center show on the road, all the way up the MetroNorth line to the Hudson River’s Queen City, Poughkeepsie. Their regular season contest against the Orlando Magic is now scheduled for a 7:30 p.m. tip off at Vassar’s Athletics and Fitness Center (AFC).

“Bringing an NBA team to campus has been a goal for us since I got here,” said Jorge Adames Reyes ’23, who serves on the executive board of Vassar’s Student Athlete Advisory Committee. “We really wanted the Boston Celtics, but they have ghosted us ever since appearing in the NBA Finals last year. I’m not even really sure who plays for the Nets, but we are hoping they will at least be better than our

organization based on the student’s major. Questions are expected to include: What is our coach’s name? Do you know where Ben Simmons is? What even is a Brooklyn “Net”? When was our last NBA championship? (Careful with the trick question—the Nets don’t have one.) And, do you know anybody taller than six foot eight who might like to play for us?

“The Nets also offered a halftime performance by Jay-Z,” added Adames-Reyes.

“But we polled our peers and found that a performance by Jay-Z would actually not have been a draw. Shockingly, it was a resounding no. Instead, we have opted for a

karaoke competition between ‘fans’ and the Nets players at halftime. Only songs from Beyonce’s ‘Lemonade’ will be allowed.”

Admission will be free, and students will have the opportunity to pick up an additional side hustle if they commit to wearing Nets gear for 10 hours a week.

“We are really excited for this event,” said Adames Reyes. “We never thought an NBA franchise would pay us $10,000 to play a game on campus. The Nets may no longer have Kevin Durant, but soon they will have a lot more Seven Sisters’ students as fans.”

intramural basketball games.”

To incentivize attendance, there will be Nets trivia competitions in between every quarter. The winners of each trivia round will be offered internships within the Nets

Nick Villamil Future Brooklyn Net

Image courtesy of Stockton Photo, Inc.

Image courtesy of Tony Wasserman via Flickr.

“Bringing an NBA team to campus has been a goal for us since I got here.”

Create a March Madness bracket with pretty colors

There are a number of cognizant and logical methods in creating a March Madness bracket. For the event—a tournament between multiple NCAA Division 1 basketball teams—eager fans meticulously craft their brackets in an attempt to accurately predict the winning team. By following along with updates and upsets in college basketball, as well as paying attention to the seed number of the 16 teams per each of the four regions, it seems that it would be easy enough to create a winning or near-winning bracket.

But, of course, every year without fail there are surprises when lower-seeded teams unexpectedly defeat their higher-seeded, supposedly-more-formidable counterparts. With this in mind, it appears virtually impossible to predict which team will defeat the others and take home the victory. I, however, would like to argue that there is one method in creating a bracket that is far superior to any other method. It is a method so fantastic and so fool-proof that one might completely overlook it as a possible

bracket-creating process: the power of pretty colors.

Personally, I know virtually nothing about college basketball, or basketball in general. My basketball knowledge spans as far as intramural 5 v. 5 with my equally clueless friends. In other words, my understanding is zilch. But, what I do know is that I love pretty colors. So, as my other friends were carefully calculating their next pick based on player performance, I was comparing the reddish hue of San Diego State to the rugged maroon of Charleston. I continued with this color comparison throughout the preliminary 68 teams. And, I have to say, my results were pretty spot on.

For example, when I predicted that the Furman Paladins would defeat the Virginia Cavaliers, my friends thought I was absolutely off my rocker. After all, Virginia earned fourth seed in the South Region, whereas Furman was seeded 13th. As someone who has family who lives in Virginia, I knew I was betraying UVA fans entirely. But, the contrast of the navy blue and heinous orange is objectively God-awful—Furman’s deep purple and white is much more palatable. I would go so far as to say that the

purple tone is majestically delightful. In this case, pretty colors prevailed as a winning strategy in predicting an unpredictable outcome.

But, I must admit, my bracket has had a few downfalls. In fact, I was in accordance with the rest of the world that Purdue would undoubtedly triumph over Fairleigh Dickinson University. Well, for everyone else, they thought that the number one seed team in the East would certainly beat the 16th (last) seeded team—after all, only once before in the history of March Madness has a 16th seeded team defeated the first seeded team in a region (might I add that it was UMBC that defeated the then number one seeded Virginia in 2018—the heinous color combo strikes again). In my case, however, I thought that the gold and black of Purdue was a much more attractive combination than the bright blue and red of Fairleigh Dickinson. The striking difference between the red and blue is like a primary color nightmare from hell.

Despite my Purdue downfall, even my hot takes about colors have carried me to victory on occasion. The Princeton win over University of Arizona was an outrage for most viewers. Arizona’s number two seed—as

opposed to Princeton’s 15 seed—was an apparent and sound choice for any logical ball viewer. But, although this might sound a little crazy, I actually preferred Princeton’s electric orange over the University of Arizona’s overly patriotic red and blue. So, for me personally, Princeton was the obvious pick— although I understand how this could be a controversial color choice. I’m sure Princeton did phenomenally in the game (I did not actually watch the game due to the fact that, yet again, I do not watch college basketball).

Now, you may all be wondering who my pick is for the winner of the entire tournament. After all, I have hyped up my bracket-curating system pretty heavily. After long and thorough consideration, I predict that the University of Connecticut will win March Madness this year. Now, I know what you’re thinking: UConn is the highest seeded team in the final four. But, that is not why I’m picking it as my personal winner. For me, the navy blue paired with white just screams classic elegance. But who knows—there are lower seeded teams clad in handsome hues that could work their way to the top. Ultimately, players make mistakes. Pretty colors don’t.

Carina Cole Assistant Feet-ures Editor

Nina Ajemian/The Miscellany News.

Nina Ajemian/The Miscellany News.

1.

The Miscellany Crossword

"This Is A Good One"

By Sadie Keesbury

1. Hall-of-Famer Ben

2. It could be awesome or awful

3. Toys for everyone

4. Bleeding

5. Land of the four seas

6. “Excuse me!”

7. Slink away

8. Failed neuroscience student?

9. Annie and Jenny, e.g.

10. Giggle

11. Not do anything in particular 13. Church architectural feature 14. Hit it off 16. Everyday's jump? 19. Motor oil additive brand 22. Happiest animal

Answers to last week’s puzzles:

By Sadie Keesbury

Misc Mini #1

Misc Mini #3

Misc Mini #2