Misc.04.04.24

THE END IS NIGH: WE’RE DOMED

Vassar College has recently announced plans to construct a massive dome over campus. The dome will span over the Terrace Apartments to the Town Houses east to west, and the Deece to the Preserve north to south.

“We’re just kind of tired of all of you,” said President Elizabeth Bradley in a statement given to The Misc. “I don’t really want to be president anymore, and this seemed like the easiest way to do it. We’ll be evacuating all the staff and dropping the dome soon.”

The news has thrown the campus into disarray. Some students are panicking, some are praying and others are preparing. “I will win the dome. I will do my best to form alliances for the most optimal section of campus, which I believe would be the Deece or the entirety of Main. Also, does this mean tuition is going down?” said first-year Haley Brown. The Board of Trustees has reassured us that tuition will not be going down, and will in fact be going up because now we need to fund a dome.

Not all students are as ready for the dome, and some fear how their classmates will change in such unprecedented times. “How animalistic are we getting? I’m a little scared. Mostly of Haley,” said first-year Alex Portella. The level of animalism is predicted

to be somewhere above Ultimate Frisbee and somewhere below the Deece serving chicken nuggets at Late Night.

Key spots have already been scouted out

PB’s shrimpspiracy revealed

Emma DaRosa Fishy

Dear readers, I come to you today with troubling news that will surely send shockwaves through the campus community. I hate to interrupt your morning coffee with such disquieting news, but some things are just too critical to delay. Late last night, our very own President Elizabeth

Bradley was caught red-handed holding a clandestine meeting with members of Dining Services in a chamber under her house. What does this previously unknown chamber contain you ask? A shrimp farm of an unimaginable size that our very own PB is allegedly operating to rake in extra cash by cutting out the middleman of seafood. This revelation comes after months of

and claimed. The Deece is anticipated to become a highly contested territory. Several a capella groups are planning on joining forces and seizing Rocky. Experts are saying that

the quad will likely become a minefield of warring factions and turf disputes, so some people are planning to seek further ground.

Celebrating 1,145 nights

restaurants? If you want to be Class of 2027 President, be my fricking guest. Stupidass reporter with your pea-brain questions.”

As this academic year appears to be coming to a close, one class in particular is finding it hard to to come to terms with their remaining time on campus before graduation: the Class of 2027. In just over three years, they will have to leave campus, never to return. Kicked to the curb. Taken to the trash. Dumped into the Hudson River.

But before that happens, it’s party time. The Class of 2027 is hosting their infamous “1,145 nights” event, which commemorates their remaining nights until graduation. The theme this year was “Down Under” and also “Scrabble’” because there was a tie in voting, and only two people voted. The event was held off campus, so students were shuttled in school buses to Poughkeepsie’s very own Chuck E. Cheese. Class of 2027 President Barra Kobama, regarding the decision to host the event at a kids’ birthday venue, had this to say: “My fellow Vassarites, they gave us a great deal. Bottomless pizza? How can you say no? That being said, we weren’t able to get any tokens in with it, but who needs tokens when you have 53 boxes of Scrabble?”

When asked why Outback Steakhouse wasn’t picked, Kobama replied, “Why pick any restaurant? What do you know about

At the event Tempus Fugit ’27 reflected while grabbing a slice of ‘za. “Wow, time flies. I can’t believe that my Vassar experience is almost over. I have made so many half-friends that I won’t be talking to for the next three years!” Fugit began crying onto his slice of cheese and pepperoni pizza.

Another student, Austin Stralia ’27, seemed excited to be at the event. “Let’s get the scrabby going, mate! I gotta get that seven letterer! Chucky’s is no Macca’s, but it’ll do! Boomerangs!” After informing Stralia that he did not need to maintain an Australian accent for the entire event, he replied, in a heavy British accent, “Oh, thank heavens. I’ve already exhausted my limited knowledge of Australia.”

Another student, Linda Oxyphenbutazone ’27, finishing up a Scrabble match, reflected on her remaining time at Vassar. “In the grand scheme of things, how many nights do we really have left? Death is ever present.” Oxyphenbutazone proceeded to play “quasar” on the triple word tile for 45 points.

Fugit, after composing himself, provided additional context to the event’s stressful undertones. “1,145 might seem like a lot

Josie Wenner Contained

Nicholas Tillinghast Crepuscular

See Dome on page 11

See Shrimp on page 10

See 50 Nights on page 12

Nicholas Tillinghast/The Miscellany News.

Image courtesy of Wikimedia Commons.

New CEL course to build eight new Terrace Apartments

Terrace Apartments of their own—will be cross-listed as both an art and physical education course.

Anew Community Engaged Learning (CEL) course is set to be offered this fall, with Assistant Dean of Student Living and Wellness and Director of Student Conduct Rich Horowitz leading the construction of eight new Terrace Apartments with select Vassar students. The program—fasttracked by administrative officials after groups of all rising-seniors failed to secure

The program was outlined in an email from the Office of Community-Engaged Learning on March 28. Notably, “students who participate in the program will receive a full unit of credit, rather than the customary half-credit, due to the intense physical labor the project’s timeline demands.” Gaining entrance to the opportunity is expected to be competitive. “Admis-

sion to the program will be determined by previous experience in construction, specifically roofing and plumbing.” Interested applicants are instructed to join Horowitz’s Instagram Live on Wednesday, April 31, where he will interview applicants in real-time while consulting blueprints by his fireplace.

The planned buildings will occupy the hill directly behind Baldwin Hall, a choice which excited Didi Fraus ’26. “I’m physically sick all the time, so the convenience of Baldwin being right by my bedside speaks to me.” Fraus intends to participate in the project, partially to ensure she will secure a spot in an apartment her senior year: “Rich let me call dibs,” she said. Horowitz denied this claim.

Vassar’s new stained glass organization, Glassar, will be creating eight individual glassworks to display in each house. The works are conceptualized as one musical octave, with each window representing a note in a C major scale. Fraus intends to live in House C (named for its corresponding note) but was unaware which House C she would be occupying. A traditional C Major scale possesses both an initial and final C, which Fraus was unaware of because she “detests music and all its listeners.”

Vassar’s art department expressed confusion at the decision to cross-list the opportunity with the program. In correspondence with The Miscellany News, an unnamed source lamented the decision to approve the program without consulting the department chair beforehand. “The choice to chug along with this decision at lightning speed before communicating

“The choice to chug along with this decision at lightning speed before communicating with us is atrocious. It is an embarrassment to this institution’s core tenets.”

with us is atrocious. It is an embarrassment to this institution’s core tenets.” The department also took issue with the contracting of Glassar instead of letting a course be constructed in-house. “How dare they take this from us,” the email reads,in the font Papyrus.

The finished living spaces will alleviate future classes from struggling to receive housing outside of the dorms, information that sent the “Vassar College Parents” Facebook group alight. “It’s about time they listen to us,” Melinda Jefferies P’26 exclaimed in a post. “It goes to show how powerful parents grouping together is.” Jefferies, a Western Massachusetts resident who later expressed in a phone interview her desire to be appointed to the Board of Trustees, says she is just beginning to utilize the group’s sway. “Soon we will replace the deans of the college with concerned parents. They will be the first legion to fall. Then the president. And, finally, the students.”

Kristen Stewart to teach new Queer Studies course

On March 25, the Women, Feminist, and Queer Studies Program sent out an email to the student body noting that, while not listed on the recently released schedule of classes, actress and gay icon Kristen Stewart will be a visiting lecturer for a new special course in the fall. The course is WFQS 232: “Where Have You Been Loca?: Investigating Queer Visibility and Transgression in the Post-Twilight Age.”

Whispers of Stewart’s potential collaborations with Vassar first began when she was spotted smoking a cigarette on the Town House path last week. Her new bangs, styled as though she cut them in a Raymond House bathroom, septum ring and tote bag gave her the appearance of a Vassar student.

In an exclusive voice memo sent to reporters from The Miscellany News, Stewart explained the potential description for the class, saying, “I want to give students the opportunity to understand what it means to be queer in the modern digital age. What does it mean when a photo of you at a Hooters goes viral for a decade after it is taken? Does Susan Sontag say something about that?”

Men’s lacrosse player Josh Grant ’27 expressed excitement about the course, saying, “I just really want to learn how to be a better ally. I have been reflecting a lot on my own positionality and I would like to better exist in LGBTQIA+ spaces as a force of support and championship.”

The course will also include notable guest lecturers, including Charli XCX, who is slated to speak on her praised allyship prac-

tices. Additionally, WFQS 232 will include weekly screenings featuring select showings of Stewart’s filmography, from “Spencer” to “Love Lies Bleeding.” Assignments will include weekly Moodle discussion posts, a presentation on a queer reading of a chosen scene from the “Twilight” franchise and a 15-page research paper on social media posts about Stewart herself. Grant exclaimed, “I am already planning my research paper. I want to write about Donald Trump’s tweets about Stewart’s relationship with Robert Pattinson. Talk about rife for analysis!”

Stewart hinted that her filmography will be used as a tool for exploring queerness in our current moment. Could Bella, Edward and Jacob have made polyamory work? Competition for the lecture-style course is expected to be brutal, with a 20-person cap limiting the number of future scholars. President of the College Elizabeth Bradley sent out an interest form to all currently enrolled students in order to estimate the registration numbers. 2,458 out of 2,459 students declared a desire to take the course. Current senior Gwenyth Brown stated, “I’m planning on failing all of my classes this semester so I can stay a fifth year and take this class. If they don’t let me in, I will tie myself to the desecrated husk of the Sex Tree for the foreseeable future.”

The College will be using a complex selection process to ensure that the most randomized assortment of students is able to take the course. Vassar hired a consulting company to make the selection process as confusing as possible, akin to room draw.

Carwyn Bettencourt ’26, a global nineteenth-century studies major from Brooklyn, was the sole Vassar student to mark “no” on President Bradley’s interest form.

When asked why he abstained from attempting to pre-register, Bettencourt said, “I don’t know who Kristen Stewart is.” Bettencourt then made News Editors watch as he smoked seven menthol cigarettes in front of the library, attempting to give a

make-shift course of his own on how to “embrace nonchalance in the face of chaos.”

President Bradley commented on the choice of Stewart in a written correspondence, saying, “I was always Team Charlie.”

Clara Alger, Allison Lowe

Image courtesy of WikiCommons.

Luke Jenkins Birthday Boy

Image courtesy of Pixabay.

Vassar-favorite singer to perform on Founder’s Day

Caroline Robinson Guest Reporter

Arecent post by “The Sex Lives of College Girls” actor Aylah Chanelle Scott on TikTok has Vassar students of all ages fangirling and running around campus in a frenzy. Why? Well, not only did Scott’s costar, singer-songwriter Reneé Rapp, make a quick surprise appearance in the video, but the TikTok also appeared to have been made in Vassar College’s one and only Taylor Hall.

This may not be a huge surprise for many

fans of the show, as the first two seasons of “The Sex Lives of College Girls” were filmed in large part on Vassar’s campus. What will probably come as more of a shocker is the exciting news that Reneé Rapp is scheduled to perform this year at Vassar’s annual Founder’s Day celebration!

While in the midst of her “Snow Hard Feelings Tour” and filming of the third season of “The Sex Lives of College Girls,” Rapp suddenly remembered her love for Poughkeepsie, the school it homes and how it made her become “obsessed with New England.” (I know New York is not in New En-

gland, but bring that up with her, not me.) Performing at Founder’s Day is a dream come true for Rapp, and something that she had never expected to receive an invite to.

“You never know who you are going to get as a performer at Founder’s Day until just before it happens,” said Vassar first-year Gemini Moon. “It is a blessing and a curse, because I think I talk too much and I do not want to spoil anything.”

Rapp’s upcoming performance at Vassar was confirmed by an anonymous user on the popular app Fizz, which students use to spread news, rumors and information

about anything interesting that might be happening on campus. There is also a new “Marketplace” section on the app, where someone is currently selling Reneé Rapp’s signature—which they claim they got from her on the same day the aforementioned TikTok was filmed—for $23.

Yes, the University of California, Los Angeles may be able to boast the fact that the next season of “The Sex Lives of College Girls” is being filmed on their campus, but are they getting a personal performance by Leighton Murray—I mean, Reneé Rapp? That is what I thought.

New Computer Science building to be built on Noyes Circle

Abby Kotar Guest Reporter

As the fastest-growing major on Vassar’s campus, the Computer Science Department needs to expand. Students have been sharing a building for too long:

first, the Old Laundry Building, and now, Sanders Physics. But this problem has been solved by a generous donation from an anonymous benefactor. They have donated $15.4 million to create a whole new center for computer science, the Grace Hopper Center of Computer Science.

The building is named after Vassar’s very own Grace Hopper. She was an American computer scientist, mathematician and United States Navy rear admiral. She earned a bachelor’s in mathematics from Vassar College and went on to receive her master’s and doctorate at Yale University.

This dedication to Hopper inspired NVIDIA, a leader in artificial intelligence computing, to support the Vassar Computer Science Department as well.

Recently, NVIDIA has unveiled its newest and most efficient superchips, named after Hopper. To honor her great legacy, NVIDIA has donated new lab equipment equipped with these amazing superchips, designed to greatly improve the quality of education. This new lab will also offer high-speed internet access only available to computer science majors and not to the general public. To receive card access, make sure to contact the Chair of the Department, Professor Marc Smith. Vassar and its buildings are committed to sustainability, which is why the Grace Hopper Center of Computer Science offers a rooftop garden that will grow vegetables and utilize solar power to help reduce the increasing cost of power. Smith notes, “This is an incredible addition that only this year’s Majors Committee could ever be fit to use.”

The NVIDIA computers will also be equipped with the best gaming and streaming tools, available for students to dive into the world of game design. Equipped with headphones, microphones, RGB keyboards and ergonomic mice, this new lab will be a

To honor her great legacy, NVIDIA has donated new lab equipment equipped with these amazing superchips, designed to greatly improve the quality of education. This new lab will also offer high-speed internet access only available to computer science majors and not to the general public.

gamer’s paradise. Like most buildings, the Grace Hopper Center of Computer Science will be completed with gender-neutral bathrooms equipped with showers so CS students never even have to leave the building.

To facilitate the building process, Noyes Circle will be closed from this summer until the Summer of 2026. Additional trees will be planted to minimize this loss of green space on campus. All of these wonderful advances will inspire a new generation of computer scientists studded with the technology to change the world. The liberal arts will grow to encompass even more computer science in an era of innovation!

Image courtesy of Caroline Robinson ’27.

Image courtesy of Abby Kotar.

Image courtesy of Wikimedia Commons.

Defending ‘mumble rap’ from its detractors

Allen Hale Arts Editor

Despite its popular status, trap rap is maligned and misrepresented by fans and critics alike. Whether it pertains to its pop stardom, eschewing the “intelligible” delivery of vocals—hence pejoratives terms like “mumble rap”—or moral condemnations of lyrical content, the genre has suffered substantial pushback from a variety of angles, relegating its artistic merits to the margins of the hip-hop canon. However, a closer examination of trap can reframe the important contributions it has made to popular music, uplifting innovations beyond praise of the style’s catchy, addictive nature. Musically, trap is largely defined by its bassy low end, speedy hi-hats, electronic production, melodicism and triplet rhyming flow. My first introduction to the mockery of trap was a soundbite from “Lifestyle” by Rich Gang, specifically that of Young Thug’s chorus. As evidenced by comments left on its YouTube music video, listeners found humor in Thug’s slurred, somewhat indecipherable vocals; they were juxtaposed against hip-hop’s reputation as a poetic style focused on vocal clarity, virtuosity and rhyming ability. While Thug can be understood as prioritizing melody and emotional communication, many chose to deride his delivery as being simply lazy or inept. This attack built upon memes which circulated around this time period, such as one claiming Tupac started the “book of rap,” Eminem finished it and Lil Wayne “couldn’t figure out how to read it.” The attack likely stems from Wayne’s heavy use of autotune and often-garbled voice which, according to XXL, helped lay the groundwork for later trap artists. This line of critique is misguided, however, especially as Wayne’s rapping ability and clever wordplay are showcased on tracks like “6 Foot 7 Foot.” Why is his reputation trashed despite

frequently upholding the meme creators’ aesthetic preferences?

The genre’s geographic origins may hint toward the reason for this alienation. Emerging from the Southern United States (Atlanta, Georgia, in particular), the style’s inception occurred separately from East and West coast scenes, pre-established centers of hip-hop during the 1990s. Unlike rappers such as Nas, Tupac and The Notorious B.I.G. being praised for their analysis of urbanity, the discussion of drug use, trauma or violence by trap artists is often flatly interpreted as the glorification of vice. That is not to say the aforementioned artists historically emerged unscathed from similar concerns; rather, I believe their contributions to hip-hop are praised differently from those of trap musicians. Retroactively, artists like Tupac belong to a lineage of appreciated innovators who define the genre’s aesthetic priorities through their talented rapping and rhyming skills. As trap style evolved into the 2010s, its lack of articulate enunciation became increasingly pronounced, diverging from approaches which originally earned hip-hop its critical appreciation. With parallels to “high art” like poetry becoming obscured by artists’ lack of vocal clarity, a distinctive place for rap among the most revered music of all time grew limited. Trap’s decentering of individual words’ understability subverts a core tenet of hip-hop’s musical technique, shifting primacy toward melodic delivery; in this regard, the prominent use of autotune by someone like Lil Wayne should be understood as a musical instrument rather than something which undermines “authentic” performance.

Unlike being viewed as eloquent chroniclers with meaningful bars like their predecessors, trap rappers’ hit-making abilities are cast aside as derivative or thoughtless. Whereas distinct, indecipherable or otherwise subversive vocals are regarded as being

“avant-garde” and “challenging” in other genres, trap rappers are critiqued by their peers and forefathers for sounding “mumbly.” Even as they incorporate a broader range of the human voice’s expressive capacities into their sound, trap rappers are seen as degrading hip-hop’s core principles rather than pushing the genre’s discursive limits into new territory. Given that contemporary pop rap is largely trap-influenced and engages fans across the globe in sold-out shows, the genre’s monetary success tends to define the discourses in which it is analyzed. The sound is relegated to a role of near-ubiquitous party music; it is fun and widely appealing, but supposedly never “deep” or important in the way that Wu-Tang Clan can be. By dismissing trap in this manner, its stylistic innovations and provocative rethinking of rap’s essential features will go ignored; to challenge this, I want to highlight some of trap’s best offerings from the past 15 years.

Future’s “Codeine Crazy” immediately comes to mind as an evocative example of introspective trap; he navigates drug use over a chilling beat, admitting, “I’m an addict and I can’t even hide it.” Although this relatively pared-down instrumental enables Future’s voice to shine, he also demonstrates technical chops by effortlessly flowing over the intricate, synth-heavy backing of “March Madness.” An example similar to the reflection of “Codeine Crazy” is found on Lucki’s downtrodden “More Than Ever,” a mumbly, moody examination of his questionable love life; summarily, he acknowledges, “I know she ain’t loyal, but she make me better.” On “Ape Shit” by Chief Keef, the listener is presented with another impressive display of production prowess. In a bizarrely compelling manner, Keef hacks, coughs and stammers over the introduction, a densely layered beat which relies upon detailed drum programming. Other innovative approaches to the instru-

mentation of hip-hop include the works of Black Kray; his use of distorted samples on “HYDR6C0DON$” is unlike anything I have ever heard, a uniqueness which is applicable to the hazy, thin sound of “Iced out Castles.” Swedish collective Drain Gang similarly represents the global scale of the genre’s creative imagination. A highlight is Bladee’s experimental song “My Magic Is Strong,” employing extreme low-end and echoey reverb which washes over the audience in psychedelic waves of sound.

Vocally, rappers like Young Thug and Slump6s expand rap’s melodic directions, deliberately employing autotune to produce a distinct, voiced aesthetic on “Digits” and “Moment” respectively. Their words are difficult to identify, a slipperiness which challenges traditional means of “reading” or interpreting hip-hop; as a result, their voices produce something which is stirring beyond the mere content of language. Likewise, Playboi Carti’s distinctive “baby voice” delivery and excessive adlibs demonstrate another effort to rework the oral strictures of hip-hop. Again, this is not to say trap excludes the use of technical vocal capabilities. Tracks like Gunna and Lil Baby’s “Drip Too Hard” or Destroy Lonely’s “JETLGGD” are surprisingly hard to sing along with, and Denzel Curry’s concept album “TA13OO” features its fair share of thought-provoking rhymes. At the end of the day, even established superstars like Lil Uzi Vert and Travis Scott should receive credit for their ability to produce influential earworms, highly representative of the 2010s’ musical cultural moment.

An appreciation of this creativity can open new avenues for one’s interest in rap and reorient perspectives on popular culture more broadly. The next time you consider rejecting trap’s artistry or feigning dejection at your enjoyment of it, take a moment to recontextualize its musical approaches in this new light.

Image courtesy of Tori Kim ’25.

Africana Studies finds Afrofuturism in Washington, D.C.

Kwabena Adae Guest Columnist

Last weekend, a group of students had the pleasure of visiting the National Museum of African American History and Culture (NMAAHC) in Washington, D.C. to see their visiting exhibition: “Afrofuturism: A History of Black Futures.” The trip—initiated by student interest—united the Africana Studies Program and Music Department for two days of travel and one day to experience the museum, connect with alumni and explore the Washington metropolitan area. The trip was predominantly attended by students of Associate Professor Tamyka Jordon-Conlin’s AFRS 210: “Afrofuturism” class, as well as Africana Studies’ Program Director Diane Harriford and Administrative Assistant Primavera Ward.

The NMAAHC is gorgeous. The building itself is a truly remarkable architectural feat that stuns and welcomes visitors to a site of healing. The visitor experience is enhanced profoundly by design details such as the entire building’s exterior lattice which can be modulated to control sunlight and transparency. It is wonderful to walk into a place of change. Our group worked down from the fourth floor to the first for the “Afrofuturism” exhibit. In each collection, we all found pieces that felt tragic to leave behind in the interest of time, and we learned by lunchtime that one day in the museum might never be enough. After a meal of soul food and African American cuisine from Sweet Home Café, we lugged our sated selves to “Afrofuturism: A History of Black Futures.” The exhibition was immediately recognizable to students of Jordon-Conlin’s AFRS 210: “Afrofuturism” and AFRS 202: “Black Music” as a collage of the classwork. Walking into the exhibit, the voices of Afrofuturist scholars Ytasha Womack, Mark Dery and

Alondra Nelson greeted us as they had in the first class meetings. The exhibit’s main hall was enshrined with mesmerizing, authentic outfits from Nona Hendryx, George Clinton, Chadwick Boseman and others. Sonically, visitors heard a rotating soundtrack of Afrofuturist music that assured us the groggy bus ride had brought us to exactly where we needed to be. Original costumes and equipment from the likes of Parliament-Funkadelic, Sun Ra, Janelle Monae, Black Panther, Flying Lotus and Outkast artfully offered throughlines of Afrofuturist history from the 1970s until present day. Core tenets of Afrofuturism like Black liberation, non-linear temporality, mythmaking and identity play were brightly on display around every corner. The exhibition was beautiful and, set within the context of the larger museum, offered salient ways to examine Afrofuturism’s legacy while incorporating Afrofuturism’s influence on larger contemporary social movements, art, music and more. Examples of Afrofuturism’s contributions to the Black Lives Matter movement, African architecture and contemporary fashion were especially provocative.

The trip arrived at a poignant intersection for the Africana Studies Program at Vassar. The program can point to a history of supporting students to explore Africana learning opportunities off campus. Whether it be the New Dimensions in Education Summer Trip in 1971 that brought Africana Studies students to 10 different countries on the African continent, or opportunities through Vassar’s former relationship with the Urban Center in Poughkeepsie, having Africana Studies students interact with the world around them through the lens of the program has always been integral. This trip has reestablished that tradition again. The Africana Studies Program is on the verge of realizing its own future with its recently re-

designed major and correlate requirements. It is currently waiting for relocation from its transitory home of Old Laundry Building as soon as new construction begins this summer. Yet, the exhibit in Washington made it entirely clear why Afrofuturism is important both to students at Vassar and broader social change. The trip embodied an Afrofuturist directive itself. Students began to build futures with fellow alumnae/i of the African American Alumnae/i of Vassar College, and counteracted archival gaps in the college’s records of the program by creating multimedia accounts of the trip. Students initiated the documentation of the program through reflection papers, interviews, articles, photographs and recordings of oral history.

Ultimately, the “Afrofuturism: A History of Black Futures” exhibit and greater museum provoked students to question how catalysts of Afrofuturism became so effective in instigating social change. How does ownership of the way in which history is kept and recorded affect how we can imagine alternative futures? The Washington trip presented a bright exhibition of brilliance and joy among the persistent rainy weather of the nation’s capital, but it challenged all involved to question what futures are on the horizon for Africana Studies, and how we can imagine those futures together. There is a lot to look forward to in the Africana Studies Program, and for our Afro futures at Vassar, so just know there has never been a better time to be an Afrofuturist.

Vassar Artists’ Group adorns Gordon Commons interior

Emma Lawrence Assistant Arts Editor

As I wandered into Vassar College’s beloved dining hall for a late lunch, I noticed an uplifting change in the atmosphere. The typical uncomfortable, liminal ambiance had been replaced with stunning artistry created by none other than Vassar Artists’ Group (VAG). From thoughtful scratchings to anomalous collages derived from magazine clippings, VAG’s display entitled “Come Together” raises various questions about what love looks and feels like.

For their spring installation, VAG challenges the normative ideals of affection and calls upon its artists to “find love in the mundane.” The placard reads, “Common conceptions define love by having one person to give all of your feelings to, who will provide you with some sort of fulfillment in return. When people don’t check that box, they are somehow left out. A spectator of couples who hold hands and exchange gifts…Come-Together calls on artists to share a piece about connection, relationality, and love.”

After pondering their mission statement for a brief moment, I turned my attention to “LLLL,” by Maggie (Mdawg) Trunfio ’24. The piece is a collage that consists of both the written word and visual media, and I found myself utterly encapsulated in its presence. Erratic images overlook a deep, navy blue ocean in the middle of the night. Mismatched quotes come together to form complete thoughts that never would have existed in the first place if it were not for the artist.

“He was thoughtful, through and through. Over worn sweater slightly wild beard,” is written in the bottom left corner, and I noticed it to be an intimate understanding of affection. A flip phone illuminates the top corner of the piece, reading “Be home soon,” offering the viewer a visual representation of the text that provides comfort from the one you love.

Next, I felt drawn to a piece that could have been torn straight from a sketchbook. Jagged, unkempt strokes fully encompassed the beige parchment and came together to form two bodies kissing. Immediately, I fell

in love with this concept—in fact, I found that it reminded me of the Cigarettes After Sex song “Nothing’s Gonna Hurt You Baby.”

The sensual, intimate moment captured by the artist mimics the delicate tapping of the drums and romantic lyricism embodied in the track. Every line drawn is messy and passionate, much like the kiss being shared.

“Feeling Alma” by Alma Elías Nájera ’25 is undoubtedly my favorite of the bunch.

Finally, I noted a piece called “Doodle” by Audrey Miller ’27. The simplicity of the shapes and colors reminded me of child-like whimsy, a presentation of love dissimilar to

its surrounding neighbors. Each small drawing is on a separate slip of paper, evoking innocence and authenticity. A green Tyrannosaurus rex roars above a kitten noticing a butterfly. A bouquet of flowers in crayon colors begs to be displayed on a fridge. I adored the overwhelming sense of nostalgia this piece brought to me.

If you feel so inclined, meander to the Gordon Commons booths and admire the beautiful artistry before you. Photos or my writing simply cannot do each work of art justice. Love can take on a variety of forms; think about what it can mean to you.

Image courtesy of Harrison Brisbon-McKinnon ’26.

Allen Hale/The

Student reflects on 50 Nights now and 10 years ago

Yaksha Gummadapu Assistant Features Editor

If you were punctual enough, a pale blue ticket a little longer than the length of one’s hand allowed you to attend 50 Nights, an event celebrating 50 nights until graduation, thrown by the Senior Class Council. As underclassmen, we handed over five dollars for a Friday night of music, pizza and ice water (I am not 21 so I did not have a wristband that gave you access to the bar). At around 10 p.m., my rag-tag group of girlfriends and I got on a yellow school bus—which I assume was a total throwback and full circle moment for the seniors—and were driven to The Academy. You could hear the DJ sets of house music before the bus doors even opened. But even before the ominous, throbbing baseline set the scene, I felt both curious and cautious. With our quirky and sometimes obsolete party culture, what would a Vassar graduation-related celebration even look like? Like a good Brewer, I went to the source. I read The Miscellany News articles about 50 Nights from 10 years ago. They did not disappoint. The structure of the event has not changed much. It is still an event 50 nights from grad-

uation held off campus that students are bussed to. But, 10 years ago, things got out of hand and the Vassar bubble popped. At a now non-existent nightclub called The Chance, ViCE (Vassar College Entertainment) Special Events and the Class of 2014 hosted 50 Nights, featuring electronic music artists. Vassar students vandalized the venue and the transport, assaulted security at The Chance and even formed a mob on Main Street that was broken up by police. In response, the 2014 editors of The Miscellany News penned an article suggesting some changes to the event that could help regulate an event like 50 Nights that occurs outside the Vassar bubble.

Two changes that they suggested were a part of the event as we know it: a ticketing system with a preference for seniors and staggering buses so that there is not a rush that could endanger students or bus drivers. Reading those articles was surprising and seemed unlike the Vassar College student body I know. But I believed the numerous first-hand accounts, so I entered 50 Nights with reservations. I kept to myself to avoid ruining what is intended to be a joyous occasion. The Academy is a deceptively large

venue. We moved from the first to the second floor, getting a lay of the land. We stayed upstairs for most of the night to dance once they started playing music with lyrics, only going downstairs to take breaks and hydrate. There were no fights, no vandalism and no disrespectful or threatening behavior of any kind, to my knowledge. One of my friends even did the worm. Multiple times. So it is more than safe to say my friends and I had a great time at 50 Nights. The venue did not feel crowded due to its size and the limited number of students. I could only tell that there was a sizable number of attendees when I looked over at the bar, another facility that was not there ten years ago. The editors of The Miscellany News worried that the inability to have alcohol at the venue encouraged students to indulge in harmful binge drinking before the event, causing them to be impaired or incapacitated off campus where they felt less authoritative power over their actions. But that was not the case on Friday night. The bars, one on each floor, had a steady flow of students. It seemed like quite the effort to get to the front, and the most determined (or physically advantaged men over six feet) were rewarded for their

successes in doing so with whatever beverage their little hearts desired.

All in all, 50 Nights was a fun school event. I am glad we were not repeating past Brewers’ mistakes. It was an interesting experience to be able to compare the events and see what worked and what did not. The 2014 article mentioned that Vassar frequently shuts down long-standing events if they become unruly and they saw 50 Nights going down the same path if it did not restructure itself. Ten years later, 50 Nights still stands and clearly does not represent the same things it did a decade ago or even have the same reputation. People were a little drunk, the student DJs played the classics and, unlike a night at the Town Houses, I was driven home in a warm school bus with my friends. It was wholesome and the perfect excuse to dress up and celebrate (personally, I was celebrating the start of the weekend and an A on a midterm). But the event was not really for me, it was for the seniors. I can only hope that every senior there enjoyed celebrating the milestone of 50 Nights until they fulfill the incredible achievement of higher education and every night since their first day of orientation that has led up to it!

Sanders Classroom statue and renovation set for 2040

Luke Jenkins Assistant Features Editor

Vassar’s Board of Trustees voted to enact a plan to revamp Sanders Classroom— home to the offices of the English, Greek and Roman Studies and the Chinese and Japanese departments—in the spring of 2040. The plans for the building directly mimic the style of its neighbor Sanders Physics, set to have a statue of the current President of the College, Elizabeth Bradley. The building will become carbon-neutral, utilizing newly-installed solar panels on the building’s south side.

The decision was met with tepid reactions from the departments housed in the building, which, despite appreciating the upgrade in facilities, bemoaned the timeline. Professor Stephen Dedalus was one professor upset with the Trustees’ decision. “Tuition at Vassar will be—what—$150,000 by then? And they can’t find it in the budget until then. I smell something fishy.” Dedalus assures he will continue to complain about the situation as he goes on sabbatical next semester. “They will never hear the end of me.”

The renovation would come nearly a half-century after Sanders Physics’, a fact that did not go unnoticed by English major Drusilla Clack ’27. “They actually hate us; there is no other explanation. The College would rather build a bar, a restaurant and a hotel before giving a cent to us plebeians.” Clack went on

to express dissatisfaction with the content of the plans themselves. “We don’t need more state-of-the-art computer labs in this building. At least I’ll literally be 35 when they break ground. Won’t be my problem.”

The statue planned for the building’s front lawn will resemble President Bradley walking while on her phone in the statue’s foreground. The background will depict a group of students trying to catch her on the device. As per campus tradition, the successful student winning a gift card to The Crafted Kup will be cast in bronze, nickel and tree sap.

The decision to memorialize this particular Vassar tradition was confusing to many. One comment on Vassar’s Instagram account, hidden by moderators, stated “Don’t you have anything else to celebrate?” Another user posted, “I’m so tired.” Sarah Krieg ’25, who once caught President Bradley on her phone, was confused as well. “Surely there is something else we could make the statue. Like let’s be serious?” It is unclear how deep Krieg’s displeasure runs, as her face was casted in plaster for the statue in late February.

The statue will not be designed and created by a single person, but rather an artist collective that goes by the name Broken Cookie. The Delaware-based group will employ non-traditional artistic practices to complete the work, including only completing work on the project every Leap Day. They will work for 24 hours each Feb. 29, one artist at a time. When

a single artist becomes too tired to continue, they press a buzzer that releases a new artist into their studio. The installation date of 2040 is what initially interested the group enough to reach out to the College, offering their ser-

vices free of charge. “This is a golden opportunity to experiment with the accepted temporalities of creation and collaboration,” shared the group’s non-hierarchical president, Olivia Rogers-Yost ’26.

Image courtesy of Ashley Mostrom ’25.

Image courtesy of Lea Greenburg ’25.

The Retreat kills Gumby, turns him into outdoor seating; “God is next.” Breaking News

From the desk of Nicholas Tillinghast

Where not to talk about geopolitics

The world is in a state of chaos. Everyone has opinions and sometimes thoughts about geopolitical events going on in the world. It is imperative for free speech and my sanity that we are able to express and share our thoughts.

There are plenty of great places to discuss these: academic settings, walking with a pal, debate clubs, meeting with your lawyers (they can never tell anyone, mwa ha ha ha), etc. However, there are several places where you should not discuss geopolitical events no matter how much you may be tempted to.

First, group chats. More specifically, family group chats. My family group chat contains cousins who are too young to understand global conflicts and history professors who might have a heart attack if they see too many hot-take texts. It also has people who are too busy to look at the group chat and will check their phones and just see a message from their relative directed to another relative but visible to everyone that says, “do you

support [insert bad thing here]?” Aka me. I do not need to be eating dinner and witnessing my father and uncle going at it over texts that our whole extended family can see. If you’re going to do this, at least text several hours later claiming you were drunk, so I will still think you’re a civilized human being. Or better yet, be drunk so I can better balance the serious with the silly. Also, for the love of God, if you are making a point in multiple texts, you do not have to end each one with “…”! Why can’t you just save this argument for Thanksgiving?

Second, Thanksgiving dinner. I am trying to stuff myself with potatoes, turkey and oreo pie. Not positions, takes and opinions. The only divisions there should be at the Thanksgiving table are the originals and those who married in. If you want to make a fool of yourself at the Thanksgiving table, here are some alternative discussion topics. The pronunciation of gif. The true meaning of Christmas (this one works especially well if your family is Jewish like mine). The abstract idea of jello. The craziest thing you did in college. Why “Ratatouille” is the best

Pixar movie (I will die on this hill). Anything connected to Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce. I think you get the idea.

Next up: Restaurants. In general, I would say avoid talking about geopolitics in restaurants. However, there are certain restaurants where you certainly should avoid talking about geopolitical events. First of all, if

Have you ever wondered why no job interview in history has ever happened at a Denny’s unless they are interviewing for a job a at Denny’s?

France and Italy are at war, don’t talk about it at a French or Italian restaurant. Duh. But less obviously, don’t talk about geopolitics at any restaurant that serves breakfast for dinner. If you are eating pancakes or waffles at

any time past 11:30 a.m., you are clearly not supposed to be having any serious conversations. Have you ever wondered why no job interview in history has ever happened at a Denny’s unless they are interviewing for a job at Denny’s? Equally as important is not discussing geopolitics if you are a waiter at a restaurant. You don’t want the customer to write “you [insert hyperbolic term here] won’t get a damn penny” where the tip is supposed to go.

Next up is any store that is running low on supplies. People are already tempted to beat you up if you take the last box of toilet paper. Your thoughts on geopolitics might just take them over the edge.

Finally, there is the zoo. Remember who the animals are supposed to be. The only difference between my dad and uncle arguing over geopolitics and two gorillas fighting is that one of those duos has hair on their heads. Petting zoos are OK though. Anyone who goes to a petting zoo is just asking for trouble. If you’re getting bit anyway, it doesn’t matter to me if it comes from a donkey or a David.

The Z Advice guru

Things are getting dire under the dome

Continued from Dome on page 1

“I call claiming the Reserve. The Preserve, the Preserve, I meant to say the Preserve,” said first-year Zach Flisakowski when asked about his dome plans. Take note: As someone who doesn’t even know the name of his own territory, Flisakowski will become an easy target once the dome descends.

Many students are still reeling from the news. The Misc has asked around to get in-

dividual thoughts and reactions on the impending dome drop.

“Like ‘The Giver’?” asked first-year Maria Milovanovic when told about the dome. As someone who clearly has her nose in the books, Milovanovic plans on retreating to the library basement, where she intends to ambush stragglers and rob them of their valuables.

“I thought we already had one,” said first-

year Atia Guzman Briones. I guess somebody took the phrase “Vassar bubble” a little too literally.

“My god, it’s just as the prophecy foretold,” said first-year Ben Timberlake. A cryptic reply. Does he know something we don’t?

While most people think that campus will turn into a dystopian nightmare akin to “Lord of the Flies,” some have hope for the future of Vassar. “The goal of the dome is to

promote student cohabitation and self-sufficiency,” said Dean Luis Inoa. “I firmly believe in the capacity of all students to live in harmony, thrive and flourish as one community.”

Perhaps a domepocalypse, perhaps a dome-ocracy. No matter what happens, Vassar students are sure to stay true to ourselves and remain Fearlessly Consequential.

Happy doming!

SHRIMPSPIRACY! Betsy’s crustacean coverup

Continued from Shrimp on page 1

speculation regarding the sudden abundance of shrimp at all the dining centers across campus. This crustacean cascade has come in the form of creamy cajun shrimp bisque, shrimp pasta, shrimp scampi pizza, shrimp salads at Express, shrimp bowls at The Retreat and even in the form of surprise shrimp during Greek bowl week at Global Kitchen (with no seafood watch marking to accompany them, might I add). Where is the money coming from for all of this shrimp? Is it peak shrimp season or something? WHO IS EATING THE SHRIMP SCAMPI PIZZA??? It’s been all questions

Where is the money coming from for all of this shrimp? Is it peak shrimp season or something?

WHO IS EATING THE SHRIMP SCAMPI PIZZA???

and no answers, but now? All of that has changed.

Vassar Dining’s recent shellfish surge has left many students wondering if there is anything fishy going on behind the scenes.

One such student, Barnaby Barnacle ’25, told me, “Yeah, in my time at Vassar I’ve never seen such a prawn proliferation! I mean, I’m not complaining necessarily, but it did have me curious, where is all this shrimp coming from? I mean, what ever happened to good old Red and his catch of the day? I never could have imagined it was our own president running a shrimp empire LITERALLY underneath our noses.” What ever happened to Red indeed? Well, it appears he’s been shoved aside in favor of Bradley’s cost-cutting crustacean conspiracy.

According to a source deep within the institution who has elected to remain anonymous under the pseudonym Brohn Jadley, “The underground farm is equipped with state-of-the-art aquaculture technology. It has been meticulously concealed beneath the President’s House, shielded away from prying eyes and nosy reporters. The farm is only accessible via a trapdoor in the floor that has been hidden by a rug and employs retina scanning technology to allow my wi– I mean, Elizabeth—in.” Apparently, the operation has been so covertly managed that even the most astute observers with the most developed olfactory systems have failed to notice the occasional waft of brine or inexplicable presence of shrimp-themed decor in the president’s home. As you and I both know, these are the telltale signs of a secret underground shrimp farm.

When approached for comment, President Bradley neither confirmed nor denied

the existence of her subterranean shrimp farm, maintaining a dignified silence on the matter. However, the rumor mill suggests that she is plotting a way to incorporate running her enterprise into the Vassar curriculum with a new interdisciplinary major in Marine Biology and Entrepreneurship. I was able to access some highly classified documents with plans for this new program. So far I can tell you the intro course is planned to be offered next spring with the title, “Underground Shrimp Farming for Profit and Profit.”

Immediate reactions have been mixed, with some members of the community ap-

As someone with a deadly shellfish allergy, I am personally against the farm, but I appreciate the sentiment. I think perhaps she should consider farming something that will appeal to the wider community, like berries, or marijuana.

When approached for comment, President Bradley neither confirmed nor denied the existence of her subterranean shrimp farm, maintaining a dignified silence on the matter.

plauding Bradley’s creative spirit, and others expressing concerns over the potential ethical and environmental implications of her oceanic operation. As someone with a deadly shellfish allergy, I am personally against the farm, but I appreciate the sentiment. I think perhaps she should consider farming something that will appeal to the wider community, like berries, or marijuana. As the dust settles on this bewildering piece of news, one thing remains certain: The mystery behind Vassar’s sudden shrimp surplus has been cracked wide open. Students and faculty alike are sure to be reeling from the shocking truth lurking beneath the surface of our campus. I’m fingering the pulse of this story, and you can count on me to see it through to the end.

Scrabble and the Outback? Sounds like a party!

Continued from 50 Nights on page 1

like a lot of nights till college ends, but tomorrow it will be 1,144 nights, and then it’s 1,143, just like that. And then pretty soon after that it will be 1,142 nights. Pretty soon you’re gonna be thinking, ‘What am I gonna do with the rest of my life? My college experience ends in 1,141 nights and I’ve accomplished nothing!” When informed that this piece would come out with only 1,139 nights remaining, Fugit’s head exploded, effectively ending the event as chunks of brain matter bonked into the Scrabble pieces, ruining the board formations. “Oh naur!” screamed Stralia.

As college life marches on (barring any major nuclear disasters), we will ponder such questions as, “Is any of this worth it?,” “Did I already peak?,” and “How do

you measure? (Measure a year?) In comedy show posters? In clumps of shower hair?

In classic peanut butter sandwiches?” This writer, for one, thinks nights are the way to go.

“Wow, time flies. I can’t believe that my Vassar experience is almost over. I have made so many half-friends that I won’t be talking to for the next three years!”

Vassar awards medal to genius who named Main Building

“Get it? Because it’s the Main Building!” The eureka moment struck William Obvious on a fateful day in late 1859, and since then, Vassar has never been the same. Today, the College is honoring his devotion to the centerpiece of what gives Vassar its identity, granting him a posthumous medal for his tireless dedication to the English language and the Vassar community.

At the ceremony at The Chapel, President Elizabeth Bradley thanked Obvious for his service to the College. “He had such a knack for things,” Bradley stated. “It’s incredible how he came up with the innovative name for our chapel: ‘The Chapel.’ I could not bear living in the president’s house had Mr. Obvious not named it ‘The President’s House,’” she said.

Mr. Obvious served in the military and was eventually promoted to a high rank; today, people refer to him as Captain Obvious. As captain, Obvious pioneered several advancements fundamental to the history of our country. After naming the White House (in the same manner as he named Main, of course), Obvious solved a problem that was haunting music ensembles across the globe:

The eureka moment struck William Obvious on a fateful day in 1859, and since then, Vassar has never been the same.

What they should name their frequently-used triangular instrument. “I could never comprehend how he did his magic,” Ryan Duhum Foundhid, a former coworker of Obvious’, wrote. “He had the intellectual capacity to understand that our triangle was a triangle.”

Critics of Obvious’ name choice are furious about this ceremony, but despite their consternation, have not been able to come up with a better name for Main Building in more than 160 years. Scholars have attributed this to Captain Obvious’ deft mind, unmatchable brainpower, wide range of knowledge and the fact that no one else has really tried yet.

Obvious’ niece, Blatant Lee Obvious ’66, said she was proud to follow in the footsteps of her ancestor. “I served on the committee to name the new structure at the College’s center,” she stated. “You’ll never guess what it’s called.”

Benjamin Savel Ben

Image Courtesy of Ben Savel ’26.

Nicholas Tillinghast /Miscellany News

Raymond House renovation underway Gumby RESURRECTED! Tramples Chicago with his horse, the dreaded Pokey. Breaking News

It’s the start of a new month and, unfortunately, also the start of a new building for Vassar College. At the beginning of April, Town of Poughkeepsie building inspector Bill Donahue came to Vassar College to conduct a routine inspection of the dormitories. Upon entering Raymond House, Donahue instantly noticed that something was awry. Although all students went about their days normally, their conditions could best be described as, in layman’s terms, nothing short of a collapsing pigsty. Perhaps it was the falling ceilings on the second floor, the overflowing showers on the fourth or the multiple broken washers in the basement, but Donahue could not allow Raymond House to pass its inspection as it had in previous years. In fact, an eyewitness reported that, upon Donahue’s leaving Raymond, he eloquently declared to President Bradley, “I hate to tell ya this, Liz, but this is a s**thole. I mean, I can’t even begin to describe it. Well, if I had to start, I’d start with unliv-

From the desk of Oliver Stewart

able. These living conditions are straight out of “Survivor.” Not even HGTV can fix this. I love “Flip or Flop,” but this is just a flop.”

President Bradley, trying best to determine how to ameliorate this unprecedented disaster, urged Donahue to inform her what next steps to take. Donahue replied, “Arson. If I were you, I would burn it. Give it a little funeral, of course, then cremate that b***h. If you’re feeling snazzy, put it in an urn with little paintings from its recent renovation 100 years ago. Or better, blow it up. You should be proud. This would be one of the first times that blowing something up would actually do some good. But whatever you do, you cannot let it continue to house students. It is incredibly unsafe and could collapse at any moment, killing hundreds of students and roaches.”

President Bradley entreated Donahue to change his mind, even attempting to slip him $5, saying, “A little something for your troubles.” In Bradley’s defense, an entire dormitory renovation is certainly not cheap. But Donahue persisted, “Look, I know I’m just the new inspector in town. I know my pre-

decessor, Dan Manfield, took your generous bribes and bought himself an ice cream. And I know you’re gonna hate me, but I’m lactose intolerant, so your money means nothing to me. Either this building goes kaboom or I’ll expose you on national news for keeping your students in a modern day tenement and your whole college will go kaboom. It’s up to you.”

Processing this news, according to eyewitnesses, President Bradley released a single tear, a sign of mourning for the greatest dorm on this campus. The next morning, Vassar College issued a statement that all students of Raymond House must evacuate immediately. These students will move into Gordon Commons, finding refuge in the misshapen tables that no longer hold food, but rather, food for thought about the importance of appropriate living conditions. These students will not be compensated for their inconvenience. Rather, tuition will be raised by 200 percent, going into effect next week. Naturally, 99 percent of this tuition will be delegated to planting new flowers to distract from the incoming dirt pile that will be Raymond House. The other 1 per-

cent will be split among various necessary improvements, including a new ice machine for Davison House’s basement. A whopping $300 will go toward renovating Raymond, providing ample funds for a door and a few chairs to replace the dorm’s previous grandeur.

Though many residents of Raymond House are dismayed by this unfortunate news, I urge them to think on the bright side: Not only will Raymond be restored in a timely manner, but now, due to its general lack of infrastructure, it will no longer need an elevator, meaning that for the first time in Vassar’s history, Raymond residents will live stairs-free. I hope all residents of Raymond House can embrace this new chapter in the life of Vassar College and not only relax their legs but also relax their minds because this college does not have adequate funding to face being sued again. On that note, students, please remember to keep both your wallets and your mouths shut if you want to have a pleasant final month of the academic year. And happy belated Easter, I hope all those who celebrated had a blessed holiday!

Cassandra Brook Makeoverer

Some birds are so scary

Lev Winickoff Opinions Editor

Some photos of birds that went extinct are a little frightening. According to a popular social media music app, singer Ellie Goulding does not understand how some birds are extinct. “Did they check everywhere?” she said. I would not check anywhere for some of these birds.

The birds that you already see are scary enough. While many of us admire them, there are those among us who harbor a justified deep-seated fear of our avian acquaintances; “Ornithophobia,” or fear of birds, is very real. But why? Let us take a look at some explanations for why our freaky feathered friends and foes are so panic inducing to some.

A bad experience with a bird can sometimes lead to fear. For example, my fear of wild turkeys sprouted when I read an article published last year about them surrounding a woman in Cambridge and clawing at her. “Jeanette Atkinson was walking down Spark Street when she spotted the gobbling duo,” according to CBS News. “‘All that was going through my head was do I try to cross the street? Can I avoid the traffic?’ questioned Jeannette Atkinson. ‘I didn’t think I could run faster than the turkeys, or I was afraid I would trip on the

sidewalk.’” she told reporters.

However, this is bigger than any one experience. Speaking of bigger—birds come in all shapes and sizes, from the humble hummingbird to the ostentatious ostrich. For some, the sheer size of certain birds can be a fright. Imagine coming face to face with an erroneous emu or cankerous condor!

Then there is the matter of sharpness. The beaks and talons of birds are extra scary when juxtaposed with their soft feathers. I will now draw a parallel between seemingly innocent birds and all those cacti that look fuzzy and all those kids or dolls in horror movies that are possessed. These better known shiver-worthy examples outline the sneaky truth.

Birds are not just the modern horror that inspired a conspiracy theory about government surveillance, or are featured as Mutts in the recent film, “The Ballad of the Songbirds and Snakes.” Descended from meat-eating dinosaurs, there is also an aspect to them that is mysterious and ancient, one whose roots predate humans themselves. Just as we are never quite sure of the contents of an egg before it has hatched, we are not quite sure of the way that the descendants of birds roamed our precious planet. They are like no other category of modern animal. What other rep -

tile can fly? Besides dinosaurs, the closest kin to birds are dragons, a figment of our imagination. In this way, birds defy our present realities, and challenge our imaginations without us even realizing it.

One frightening mystery lies in the contraption that controls the motion of a bird’s head. Think of the way chickens twitch and use their heads for momentum as they walk. Pigeons do that also. Think of the way that large birds will perch somewhere and lock their eyes on you. Think about how scary Mona Lisa would be if she had a beak and could rotate her head 360 degrees while watching you.

The only reason some of us do not freak out whenever we see birds based on how they look and act is probably because we are so used to seeing them. A great blue heron sits on the tallest rock in Sunset Lake in the middle of the night. Exposure therapy, in my case, is necessary for me to complete my journey home past the heron on foot. I often feel silly, being so scared of an animal I am so in awe of. I have to remind myself that I cannot help it. It is like a crush.

The popularity of the horror film “The Birds’’ by Alfred Hitchcock is an example of how the fear of birds can take hold of people. This film may have influenced people’s perceptions of birds, just as Jaws heavily impacted the public’s perception of sharks.

“I didn’t think I could run faster than the turkeys, or I was afraid I would trip on the sidewalk.”

While the fear of sharks is much more understood and accepted than the fear of birds, Jaws is also much more recent and popular than “The Birds.” However, Hitchcock’s film is still a classic American horror movie and could have contributed numbers to the subculture of Ornithophobes.

If you have a fear of birds, then maybe people will say to you that the birds are more scared of you than you are of them. Sometimes people say this because they do not know how scared you are. Remember that your confident coworker cannot read the minds of our flying frenemies, and they also cannot read your mind. Even if the bird managed to be more scared than you, this does not invalidate your fear.

If you think I have ornithophobia after reading this, you just got April fooled! However, I think I really understand why some people are scared of birds because I am scared of birds also sometimes.

Vassar must charge tuition to mice, bats living rent-free

Jyotsna Naidu! Assistant Opinion Editor

Today, a bat flew over my suitemate as she exited the elevator in Jewett House. “It caused literal heart palpitations; I will never be the same,” said Olivia Salva ’25. We then barricaded ourselves in our room and called the Campus Response Center (CRC) to no avail. A troubleshooter would be called, but we were unsure of what day they would arrive to address the rather immediate situation.

But, contrary to popular opinion, mice and bats are not a problem of our old buildings or lack of support services to deal with live, rabid animals. No. It is an unseized economic opportunity for both students and the College to benefit from. We should charge room and board to the creatures who currently live rent-free.

Everybody wins. Students will no longer pay the impending tuition hike, with mice and bats bearing the charges. For the administration, it is even better. As the administration continues to build, mouse and bat subsidies would enable newer buildings to be funded. Raymond can wait to be renovated. The mice cannot wait.

“I love this proposal; the College is always looking to expand our wealth—sorry, I meant our community,” Dean of Finding Ways to Increase Tuition Helene Carr said.

I concur—this is not only a financial success, it is a story of humanity and upholding Vassar’s values. These creatures deserve the right to housing like we students do.

The Miscellany News was rudely interrupted in the midst of an interview by students who blurted, “A mouse chewed through my bags and food in my Main double on the third floor” and “A mouse gave birth in my shoe freshman year.” According to Nature, mice have never, ever hurt a person. Nor do rats, according to the many rat content creators on my Instagram feed. These types of people who lack inclusivity make cohabitation impossible, firmly upholding the ivory tower.

According to Nature, mice have never, ever hurt a person. Nor do rats, according to the many rat content creators on my Instagram feed.

But while attending a panel on the future of the liberal arts, Dean of Admissions Eve Lockwood argued that in addition to housing, the creatures are truly in search of a

selective liberal arts education in the scenic Hudson Valley. “I don’t blame the mice or the bats. Vassar is getting harder and harder to get into. College, especially a liberal arts college, is a privilege. Charging them tuition could solve this. It’s a win-win.”

While I was initially skeptical, I remembered that Vassar pioneered the way for women to get an education when the Ivies would not allow women to enroll. These creatures deserve a home, yes, but more importantly, an education—a liberal arts education at that. Plus, student loans are more accessible than ever.

But why stop at charging them for housing and tuition? The mice certainly have not restricted their prowess to these categories of student life.

“I saw a mouse in [Gordon Commons],” wrote an anonymous Fizz user in January 2024. A following post attached a video of said mouse by the Kosher station. What another great economic opportunity— mice should be on the meal plan! The economic possibilities are endless; soon we could merge with the Culinary Institute of America. Personally, I cannot wait for the the Class of 2028 to be accepted into Vassar. Among them is Remy from “Ratatouille.” Students like Remy, a cultural icon, could represent the next generation of trailblazing scholars, but only if given the chance.

Now, this is the equality and economic

These creatures deserve a home, yes, but more importantly, an education—a liberal arts education at that. Plus, student loans are more accessible than ever. Who’s

A randomly sampled very legitimate survey of Vassar students produced the following results:

viability that our glorious founder Matthew Vassar, God rest his soul, would have wanted when he opened this school for women (but did not want them to vote). Only then, once we upcharge exclusive, interdisciplinary education to the mice and bats of Vassar, will Matty V ascend from this mortal plane to the next.

Britta Perry, Community College Ph.D., wisely noted, “I can excuse racism, but I draw the line at animal cruelty.” Vassar has already made substantial progress toward honoring this powerful ethos. It is about time we students demand change to further this legacy by matriculating and charging tuition to the mice and bats who have long called Vassarr their home.

Image Courtesy of Tori Kim ’25.

Sandro Luis Lorenzo/The Miscellany News.

Hudson Valley hiking provides adventure

tancing yourself from campus or for the additional hiking rigor that some would not find at Vassar.

As spring unfolds—with more frisbees thrown and more students opting for outdoor “studying” (sun-basking)—another pastime students partake in is hiking. Hiking is an opportunity to immerse oneself in nature and get away from the worries or woes of life, taking advantage of Vassar’s location in the Hudson Valley. With the weather warming up, now is the perfect time to try or revisit hiking. So, whether you are a beginner hiker who perceives hiking more as a long walk, or a more advanced, adventurous hiker who enjoys the uphill struggle and view from the top, here are some trails to check out in our unfurling moments of spring.

While Vassar’s Preserve offers trails that are close-by and accessible, many seek off-campus hiking spots that highlight the nature of the famous Hudson Valley. In fact, Anna Bishop ’25 prefers not to hike at the Preserve. She expressed, “Hiking allows me to get away from Vassar. The Preserve is an extension of Vassar—it’s not the same. You still feel like you are surrounded by humans, but when you go further away from Vassar, it feels like you are surrounded by nature and actually distancing yourself.” While some hikes may be a farther drive, they may be worth it for this feeling of dis-

For a new hiker, Bishop recommends starting with trails that are well-marked rather than more isolated ones. Red Wing Lakes Loop is a two-mile loop in LaGrangeville, about a 20-minute drive away (bottom right). With minimal steepness, the trail is ideal for beginners. Parking and entrance are free. A sunset or sunrise hike here is recommended in order to see the sky’s reflection in the lake and witness the sun peeking over and beyond the mountains (bottom left). Another beginner-friendly trail is Dover Stone Church, a three-and-a-half-mile loop in Dover Plains, about a 30-minute drive from Vassar (top left). There is an upper loop to a lookout spot and a lower loop to the stream and the Stone Church. While the lookout spot provides a decent view of the valley, if you can only do one loop, Bishop recommends the lower loop as the Stone Church is more exciting, allowing you to traverse the stream and cave below (top right).

An intermediate trail is Lake Maratanza via Sam’s Point Loop in Cragsmoor, a 3.1mile loop about an hour away from Vassar. While there is a parking and entrance fee, there is plenty to explore here, including the Ice Caves Trail, Verkeerder Kills Falls, Lake Maratanza, Lenape Steps and other

scenic cliffs and vistas. Lake Maratanza is one of the five Shawangunk sky lakes, called this for its formerly crystalline water. Sam’s Point Overlook also provides a remarkable view of the Hudson Valley, so long as the many switchbacks and steep terrain are endured.

Breakneck Ridge, or Breakneck Bypass, on the Wilkinson Trail Loop, is a more difficult trail, a 3.2-mile loop near Cornwall-on-Hudson, roughly a 40-minute drive away. The terrain is notably steeper and significantly more challenging than other hikes mentioned. Hiking this trail in the winter is not recommended because of the icy or muddy conditions; however, springtime should be dry enough to gain traction. The rigorous hike pays off with the view at top. A similarly demanding hike is the Lemon Squeeze and Eagle Cliff trail in New Paltz, a seven-mile loop about 30 minutes away. Weather must be taken into consideration before attempting this one as well, as hiking this trail after a rainfall can make the trek dangerous or leave parts of the hike closed off. The “squeeze” part of the trail is the vertical climb of ladders through the boulders themselves. As expected though, the view makes the long and strenuous hike worthwhile.

Indeed, the more rigorous hikes tend to offer a grander reward, the outlook making the energy and sweat worth it. Hiking

highlights the process to get to this reward, an opportunity to have a nice conversation with fellow hikers and friends or to just take a moment to pause in nature. Even if there is no view at the end, the enjoyment of getting there amid the beauty of nature seems to be an important thread in hikers’ motivation to undertake these challenging trails. As Bishop commented on why she enjoys hiking, “I like being outside—when I’m inside I feel stuffy. When you go on a hike everything feels clear.”

Being immersed in nature and this feeling of clarity is revealing of the benefits of hiking beyond its athleticism. Hiking forces us to direct our attention away from the self; our energy lies outward towards the view we are working to reach or the steep terrain we are trying to persevere through. Here, Iris Murdoch, an Irish-British novelist and philosopher, can grant some wisdom as she emphasized the importance of “objects of attention” to be unselfish, away from the self. Nature, it seems, provides a conduit for this unselfish attention. She states in “The Sovereignty of the Good,” “More naturally, as well as more properly, we take a self-forgetful pleasure in the sheer alien pointless independent existence of animals, birds, stones and trees. ‘Not how the world is, but that it is, is the mystical.’” Perhaps hiking is just one way to perceive this mystical world we so often neglect.

Caris Lee assistant sports editor

Images courtesy of Anna Bishop ’25. Caris

Brewers Ballin’: James leads basketball to two wins

Our goal with Brewers Ballin’ is to feature Vassar athletes who starred for their team the week previous to publishing. If you would like to nominate an athlete, please email nvillamil@vassar.edu.

Brewers Ballin’

Name: LeBron James

Year: Sophomore

Team: Men’s basketball

Stats: The four-time NBA Champion led the Brewers to two crucial victories on the road against RPI.

Statement: “I’m two days into college and I’m three lectures behind.”

Box Score: Men’s volleyball sweeps Team USA in exhibition

Last Sunday, the Vassar men’s volleyball team played an unprecedented exhibition match with the Team USA men’s volleyball team ahead of the 2024 Paris Olympics. The match was closed to the public, but a box score that details the historic and dominant win has been made available. Notably, opposite hitter Casey McMenamin ’26 led the Brewers with a “quadruple double,” posting 20 kills, 10 service aces, 10 solo blocks and 16 digs. AJ Erickson ’24 and Doug Chandler ’26 were both prolific as the starting outside hitters, adding 15 and 16 kills, respectively. The Brewers also impressively did not make a single attack error and hit an impressive .869 as a team.

Image courtesy of Wikimedia Commons

The Miscellany Crossword

“Beginner’s Puzzle”

By Sadie Keesbury and Felix Mundy-Mancino

35. The moon’s daytime counterpart

36. Not beginnings, but _____ 40. I’m trying to write the clues, I really am.

41. Two ____ two equals four 44. Poor plan-maker

45. Opposite of frown

47. Criminal activity

48. P!nk (as an artist)

49. I didn’t want to say this because it’s kind of embarrassing, but that bug is really scary.

50. Grape picking state

51. Opposite of pause

52. Soliloquy 55. Flying squirrel relative 56. Lefty pitcher on the ’56 Dodgers 59. Naturally 61. Hopefuls

62. Primary election candidate in Minnesota’s seventh district 63. “Veep” or “Succession”

64. Info desk position

65. Email auto response

66. Ok, maybe the down clues will

Answers to last week’s puzzle: “Heroics”

By

Sadie Keesbury

be easier.

DOWN

1. Frozen in thought (abbr.)

2. To ___ or not to ___ (parody question)

3. Spineless behavior

4. Ok, I’m already struggling. I’m