Misc.09.07.23

The Miscellany

Five female Vassar professors file pay-discrimination lawsuit

Jacques Abou-Rizk Editor-in-Chief

Five current and former women Vassar College professors filed a lawsuit on Wednesday, Aug. 30, alleging decades of systemic wage discrimination based on gender. Founded as one of the country’s first colleges to educate women, Vassar has affirmed that the administration has been working with a group of professors since January 2019 on the issue of pay equity.

A joint statement of support signed by 36 women full professors, representing the majority of the female full professors at Vassar, also urged the college to engage constructively with the lawsuit. The statement read, “We are deeply committed to Vassar, having dedicated all or a substantial part of our academic careers to the College. We do not take lightly the decision to speak out, but Vassar has left us with no other choice. The College has known for many years that it has unlawfully paid men more than women, but it has for years rejected our overtures and refused to address this discrimination in any meaningful or substantive way.”

Following the news release on the morning of Wednesday, Aug. 30, Vassar’s Office of the President emailed a statement from Board of Trustees Chair Anthony J. Friscia to the Vassar community. In the statement, he said, “Vassar believes it pays its faculty

fairly and equitably and has complied with the law, and it would like to resolve this issue. As chair of the Board of Trustees, I regret that the group of faculty members has now initiated litigation against Vassar.” He continued, “The Board of Trustees is proud of Vassar’s thorough performance review process. Faculty salaries are set by a faculty-led, peer-review process, per Vassar’s governance structure.” The College declined to further comment amid open litigation.

Equal Rights Advocates and Lieff Cabraser Heimann & Bernstein announced the lawsuit Wednesday, Aug. 30, with partner Michelle Lamy and co-counsel Kelly Dermody representing the plaintiffs. Lamy and Dermody notably represented female workers in both the Goldman Sachs gender discrimination class action lawsuit that resulted in a $215 million settlement for women at the company, and in the Google gender pay equity litigation that resulted in a $118 million settlement for women at Google, among other cases with Lieff Cabraser.

In a written correspondence to The Miscellany News, Lamy explained, “For well over a decade, the professors attempted to work collaboratively with Vassar to address this issue, both individually and in groups. Vassar had every chance to do the right thing. When it became

Dining options reduced

Jyotsna Naidu Reporter

To accommodate kitchen repairs, graband-go hot food in the College Center is no longer available for the fall semester. The Office of the Dean of the College announced these changes in an email to the student body on Aug. 17.

In a written statement, Associate Dean of the College Dennis Macheska wrote “The repairs [to the Retreat and Express kitchen] will replace the existing ductwork for the cooking exhaust system; a new hood system; and all new cooking equipment for the staff. Addressing the issue with the exhaust system speaks to our commitment to the safety of our employees and campus community.”

Over the summer, an engineer identified that the exhaust system did not meet the standard fire ratings, according to Dean Macheska. Management was unaware that the kitchen would need to be shut down due to the scope of the project until a week prior to Aug. 17. The kitchen is expected to reopen in January and resume serving hot food.

The Vassar Student Association’s (VSA) new dining option “Munchie Mondays” attempts to provide additional hot lunch options throughout the week. Munchie Monday, an expansion of Tasty Tuesday,

Arts editors talk new releases

will invite three new local food vendors to campus in two weeks. Meals are available for retail purchase or via Arlington bucks.

“We’re trying our best to keep things fun,” Director of Services Maxwell Bergman ’25 said. “You can look at [these additional options] as a new change and see how it works, so maybe in the future we keep it this way.”

Another VSA-initiated change is the adaptation of Express into a pop-up market, a measure first introduced during the COVID-19 pandemic. Over 90 percent of the 181 student respondents to the VSA’s Annual Comprehensive Survey supported the proposal, according to the VSA. “Ultimately, we want the Express Market to be successful and would welcome suggestions on products to ensure students have access to the items most desired,” Macheska said.

“As long as the Express Market remains popular and relevant to students, we anticipate this being a permanent change.”

Elizabeth Leonard ’25 expressed concerns over dining affordability of existing options. Although Leonard appreciates the new selection, she does not believe it is an alternative to the previous dining plan, which did include grab-and-go hot food.“I don’t want to spend money,” Leonard said. “The value of Retreat to me was that it’s a swipe and so it’s included in the meal plan.

Jesse’s pick: “Fly or Die Fly or Die Fly or Die ((world war))” by Jaimie Branch

The untimely and tragic death of trumpeter Jaimie Branch in 2022 at age 39 shook the music community. Since her debut album “Fly or Die” was released in 2017, Branch quickly became one of today’s most notable and creative musicians. Her music’s scrappy energy and uplifting spirit explain why people love her, and fortunately, Branch has left us one final album. Recorded last April with her regular band (Lester St. Louis on cello, Jason Ajemian on bass and Chad Taylor on drums), Branch was still mixing and programming this new record at the time she died. Released on August 25, “Fly or Die Fly or Die Fly or Die ((world war))” is an exuberant and diverse set of music that you are likely to enjoy regardless of your musical background or interests. Though Branch may be associated with the “avant-garde,” nothing is intimidating or esoteric here. Highlights include the bright melodies of the appropriately named “Borealis Dancing,” Branch’s “punk jazz” vocals on “Burning Grey” and the blissful exuberance of the album’s highlight “Baba Louie.” Branch showed us again on this release that she found a way of mak-

ing “free jazz” accessible without diminishing the intensity or joy in the music. Now, it will be up to others to continue where Branch left off.

Jesse’s pick: “Rabbit Rabbit” by Speedy Ortiz

Indie band Speedy Ortiz and frontwoman Sadie Dupuis return with their first album since 2018’s excellent “Twerp Verse,” this time with songwriting that has taken on a new emotional depth. In an interview with The New York Times, Dupuis said the lyrics on “Rabbit Rabbit” were motivated by her efforts to heal unprocessed childhood trauma. Dupuis used the mantra of the album’s title to bring good luck. The lyrics throughout the album show a focus on coping with stress and mental health, such as on “Cry Cry Cry,” where Dupuis sings, “three ways to cry, and one is silence/couldn’t see tears have meaning,” and the refrain later in that song “Do I still deserve my sanity?” However, the music is far from downcast, and the sweet and sour aesthetic in the dense arrangements and tart guitar playing (from Dupuis and Andy Molholt) are central to the band’s style. The music and lyrics of “Rabbit Rabbit” feel more natural and personal than “Twerp Verse,” the latter album having a bit too much of a Pavement influence. Now is the time to catch up with one of the most exciting bands working today—

Jesse Koblin, Allen Hale Arts Editors

Sandro Lorenzo/The Miscellany News.

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CORRECTION POLICY

The Miscellany News will only accept corrections for any misquotes, misrepresentations or factual errors for an article within the semester it is printed.

The Miscellany News is not responsible for the views presented within its Opinions pages. Staff editorials are the only articles that reflect the opinion of a two-thirds majority of the Editorial Board.

Karen Mogami/The Miscellany News.

Vassar College faces lawsuit over gender pay gap

Continued from LAWSUIT on page 1

clear this year that the College was never going to voluntarily close the pay gap, the professors realized they had no choice but to file a lawsuit.”

Lamy added, “Vassar claimed in a statement made through its Board of Trustees that it ‘would like to resolve’ this lawsuit. The sincerity of that statement remains to be seen. Absent a prompt resolution, the professors are prepared to fully litigate this case.”

The complaint affirms, “Pay disparities within this Class often began at hire, as Vassar systematically offered men higher starting salaries than women. Because pay increases are a percentage of prior salary at Vassar, that initial disparity grows exponentially over Class members’ (often multi-decade) careers. As a result, a relatively lower (than men’s) starting salary in the early years—which has been the reality for women at Vassar dating back decades— renders women’s salaries disadvantaged to an increasing extent over the course of their careers.”

The lawsuit also shares data from The Chronicle of Higher Education that shows not only a gender pay gap in average salary for full professors every year since 2003,

but also that this gap has grown to upwards of 14.6 percent. Despite this data being brought to the attention of the College, the lawsuit states that “Vassar’s cooperation largely ended with its confirmation that the gender pay gap had not been addressed. On February 1, 2021, Dean [of Faculty William] Hoynes wrote to a number of the women engaged in the internal efforts and informed them that, based on Vassar’s recent analysis of faculty salaries, he would be working with the administration to conduct equity reviews for some (but not all) professors.”

professors had pay adjustments as low as $1,000, but the majority of women received no adjustment at all, according to the complaint.

Lamy said, “It is striking that Vassar—an institution founded on the principles of equity—has for so long refused to address inequity within its own walls. Worse even, Vassar has responded to requests for pay equity by decreasing transparency about faculty salaries, in an apparent attempt to mask its decades-long pattern of underpaying women. This turn toward opacity would be problematic for any institution, let alone one that so publicly claims to strive for equity and inclusion.”

Mask, Professor of Physics and Astronomy Cindy Schwarz and Professor of Psychological Science Debra Zeifman.

In the joint statement of support, the 36 women full professors added, “The gender pay gap at Vassar is the result of years of inequitable practices, including substantial differences in the starting salaries of men and women, a subjective merit ratings system that is biased against women, and a discriminatory promotion system that systematically prevents or delays the advancement of women professors relative to their male counterparts.”

Furthermore, “Any professor who wanted a review had to request one, and some who requested a review did not receive one.” After having a review, some female

As President of the Vassar Student Association (VSA), Olivia Gross ’24 did not provide a statement on behalf of the entire Association to The Miscellany News, but encouraged equity in all areas of the College. She said, “As President, I am dedicated to making sure the VSA is advocating for equity and anti-discriminatory practices for our students, and I would hope to see the same advocacy priorities implemented for our faculty.”

The five plaintiffs are Professor of English Wendy Graham, former Professor of History Maria Höhn, Professor of Film Mia

Lamy believes that the fact that this can happen at a historically women’s college demonstrates the structural nature of gender pay inequality. “If it can happen at Vassar, it can happen, and is happening, everywhere.”

“The response to the professors’ decision to bring Vassar’s long history of underpaying women to light has been overwhelmingly positive, both locally and nationally,” says Lamy. She believes that the fact that this can happen at a historically women’s college demonstrates the structural nature of gender pay inequality. “If it can happen at Vassar, it can happen, and is happening, everywhere.”

"If it can happen at Vassar, it can happen, and is happening, everywhere."

Images courtesy of Lieff Cabraser.

Students seek answers over recent dining changes

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I am not going to choose an option that costs money for lunch every day because that really adds up.”

The reduction of grab-and-go dining options has led to a 12 percent increase in traffic at Gordon Commons. Lines stretch out the door during peak dining hours. “I think the renovation of Retreat, while helpful in the long-term, has made it a really frus-

trating dining experience so far this semester,” Annie Brewer ’25 said. “I have been in countless lines going out the door to try to swipe my card just to enter. Once inside I’m met again with long lines for stations.”

Lunch accessibility is also a concern raised due to the limited options and reduced hours of Retreat. Weekend hours have been eliminated and weekday hours were reduced from 6 p.m. to 4 p.m. “I re -

lied on Retreat for lunch in between classes where I only have 15 minutes, and now, I end up skipping lunch,” Elizabeth Leonard ’25 said. “My only option is the Deece [Gordon Commons] and it’s not somewhere I can go in the middle of the day when I have a busy schedule.”

Other changes students were not notified of include the removal of sushi and poke bowls from Retreat due to high cost

and the shift away from compostable paper cups from Gordon Commons. “I don’t know why they did it, the only thing I can think of is saving money,” Leonard said. “I don’t think there’s a lot of transparency at Vassar. We rarely get reasons for changes, we get announcements. I’m kind of in the dark on what the reasons behind this are.” The Miscellany News will continue to report on this developing story.

Igor Martiniouk/The Miscellany News.

VVA organizes 5K honoring Vassar veteran

[CW: This article contains mentions of suicide and PTSD.]

Last year, the Vassar Veterans Association (VVA) and the Vassar community at large lost a peer, mentor and friend with the passing of Vassar alumnus, Fernando Braga ’17. Braga was a U.S. Army veteran who attended Vassar College as a part of the College’s first veteran cohort of the Posse Program, graduating in 2017 with an International Studies degree. He moved to New York City after his time at Vassar but stayed integrated in the college’s community after graduation, often visiting campus and engaging with new veteran students, helping to ease their transition. Braga is survived by his daughter and girlfriend, as well as the memories of his kindness that touched countless members of Vassar’s community and beyond. Students are working to preserve his memory through a 5K run held in his honor taking place Oct. 1 on Joss Beach.

Britt Andrade ’24 [Disclaimer: Andrade is a columnist for The Miscellany News], a veteran, believes Braga’s loss created a hole that the Vassar veteran community might never be able to fill. For members of the veteran community, however, a death like Braga’s is not uncommon; when talking to Andrade, she explained how commonplace death by suicide has become. She stated, “Almost every veteran I know, knows someone who died by suicide. It is an insidious part

of our community that disproportionately affects us and our loved ones.” According to the organization Stop Soldier Suicide, veterans are at a 57 percent higher risk of suicide, more than one-and-a-half times the national average. Andrade also explained how the close-knit veteran community is especially plagued by feelings of survivor’s guilt or failure when a member is lost. The VVA aims to not only draw attention to the tragedy of Braga’s death, and many veterans lost by suicide, but provide support to anyone who may be affected by the mental health crisis that afflicts our nation.

The Braga 5K is a fully sponsored Vassar event planned by a committee including Director of Veteran Students Outreach and Support Colleen Mallet; Professor of Education Jaime Del Razo, an army veteran; and student-veterans Andrade and Alejandro Castro ’25. The race will start at 9 a.m. with a traditional timed 5K route as well as a shorter, more scenic route through campus for participants who would like a slower-paced version of the race. Awards for first, second and third place runners will be presented after the race.

The event is open to the Poughkeepsie community, and Braga’s family and friends will be in attendance. Fellow veteran Carl Callendar ’17 will speak briefly about Braga before the race. Vassar College Counseling Service, local Dutchess County nonprofit organization Vet2Vet and other organizations will be tabling on Joss Beach, providing

more information about the cause and ways to support the Vassar veteran community. All donations raised from the event are being split between three causes: a college fund for Braga’s daughter, the Stop Soldier Suicide organization and the Warrior Ranch Foundation. Mallet said of choosing these organizations, “It was important that we find a way to honor the memory and life of Fernando, and the Braga 5k is our way of doing that and also giving back to the larger community … We want to support those organizations that are supporting veterans and their struggles with thoughts of suicide. Our mantra has become ‘Not One More.’” Each cause was carefully chosen by members of the planning committee, with each taking a special place in relation to Braga’s life. The organization

Stop Soldier Suicide is a veteran-founded and veteran-led organization that began in 2010 at the height of the veteran suicide crisis. The organization works with veterans to identify issues like financial strain, post-traumatic stress disorder and transition difficulties, and provide help from its vast network of resources before it becomes a crisis situation.

Stop Soldier Suicide, although founded by Army veterans, is a national organization that works with all branches of the military.

The second organization, The Warrior Ranch Foundation, is a local non-profit based out of Calverton, New York. They primarily serve veterans in the state by providing sessions where veterans get to work with rehabilitated rescue horses. Animal therapy has gained

popularity in recent years, providing a bond to reduce stress and increase mood, companionship and general well-being.

In the midst of the community healing from the loss of Braga, the 5K is designed to raise awareness and provide the time and space to remember a good friend of the community. Andrade ended the conversation with a sense of optimism, stating, “My wish is for the event to be not so much a somber occasion as an opportunity to celebrate a good man’s life.” While the focus is primarily on the effects of suicide on the veteran community, the event is campus-wide and hopes to be able to create a space for the entire student body to learn, remember and celebrate. The VVA hopes the Braga 5K will be an annual event and plans to host a mental health workshop in the spring, as well staying true to their mantra, “Not One More.”

Makenna Monaghan Guest Reporter

Jyotsna Naidu/The Miscellany News.

‘Rich Men North of Richmond’ undermines solidarity

Allen Hale Arts Editor

Internet virality functions on an immense scale. Videos, photographs, memes, songs and more can be thrust into the spotlight with little financial backing, powered by users sharing and viewing content in a matter of hours. Although viral works may be simply comedic, enjoyable or bizarre, certain people reach stardom by capturing the collective attention and support (or condemnation) of millions. Recently, Oliver Anthony’s emotional track “Rich Men North of Richmond” achieved this status, making him the first ever artist to debut #1 on the Billboard Hot 100 without prior charting history. However, despite receiving the support of countless listeners, Anthony’s populist, anthemic lyrics deserve close examination regarding their potentially reactionary content.

American country and folk music have, throughout their history, been notably tinged with the social, political and economic conditions of their time. Folk music is particularly useful for disseminating political messages, with many artists encouraging audiences to collectively relate or respond to their lyrics.

Bob Dylan’s “The Times They Are a-Changin” captures the social upheaval and hopes of the Civil Rights era, whereas Woody Guthrie often expressed anti-fascist views within his songs in the 1930s and ’40s. In a similar manner, “Rich Men North of Richmond” paints a snapshot of America’s current political moment. Over an acoustic resonator guitar, Anthony laments, “Well, I’ve been selling my soul, working all day/Overtime hours, for

bullshit pay.” In a twangy voice, he makes a popular appeal to fellow workers—blue-collar Americans scrambling to make ends meet. The verse and pre-chorus are standard for country-folk music, perhaps being a bit more direct than the previously mentioned historical examples.

When the song enters its chorus, Anthony begins to directly blame those he sees responsible for the plight of the working class. As for the titular “rich men north of Richmond”— politicians in Washington, D.C.—Anthony sings, “Lord knows they all just wanna have total control.” Decreased spending power is blamed on the dollar being “taxed to no end,” a somewhat confusing turn in the road for Anthony’s message. Although taxes are easy to track as a loss of income on one’s paycheck, Anthony does not attempt to question why he isn’t paid enough. Politicians are identified as an enemy in this regard, but it is not for a lack of necessary legislation around wages. Rather, Anthony chooses to place the brunt of the blame on taxation and government interference, failing to examine the benefits accrued by the CEOs and politicians who collaboratively ensure he receives his “bullshit pay.”

In the second verse, the song once again stumbles after its egalitarian opening. He acknowledges the homelessness crisis and food insecurity, noting that “Lord, we got folks in the street, ain’t got nothin’ to eat.” However, this is directly juxtaposed with his claim that the obese are “milkin’ welfare,” circling back to earlier complaints with the line, “Taxes ought not to pay for your bags of Fudge Rounds.” These criticisms echo Reagan-era rhetoric surrounding “welfare queens,” women who

supposedly collected enormous amounts of wealth through welfare. The phrase is, to this day, used as a racial dog-whistle to attack Black women in particular. Rather than acknowledging why welfare recipients need support (for reasons such as job loss, injury, disability or general assistance to stay afloat), Anthony chooses to sow divisiveness among impoverished Americans. He brandishes one group as the undeserving, lazy poor, whereas the others “puttin’ themselves six feet in the ground” are the only people who deserve better living conditions.

The implicit racial tensions within this dynamic are hard to ignore, demonstrating Anthony’s general ignorance around the politics of poverty. Especially for groups who are unable to work and forced to subsist on the minimal benefits of welfare—such as the disabled—Anthony’s lyrics are baffling. Additionally, those who utilize the option of welfare do so because they are eligible and in need of support; they are not leeches to the system or less-than-human for requiring aid to make ends meet. Even as Anthony sets himself up perfectly to unite the poor against the creators of their inequality, he instead undermines class solidarity and punches down on particular groups of impoverished individuals.

The contradictory substance of “Rich Men North of Richmond” is perhaps key to the widespread attention the song has received. Various left-of-center listeners can easily support Anthony’s lyrics around working-class troubles, whereas conservatives feel their positions echoed in the lines on taxation and welfare. The song has recently been promoted by conservative politicians like Marjorie Taylor

Greene, receiving a shoutout during the first Republican presidential debate. In the wake of national attention, Anthony shot back with a YouTube video critiquing the GOP, saying he “wrote that song about those people” according to NBC News. Anthony has been quoted by The Messenger as saying he is “dead center” politically, rejecting both the left and the right in various comments and interviews.

In the end, the combination of Anthony’s views, priorities, interviews and statements paint a difficult picture without a divisive “side” being taken. This jarring culmination may seem opaque, but the popularity of Anthony’s work can be used as a view into the mind of the median American. Millions of people like Anthony are festering with a dual anger towards various enemies—some richer and some poorer than themselves—while completely renouncing politics. This collective neurosis demands political solutions to political problems without any desire to participate in political action. There’s partial validity when we consider how our governments fail us everyday; it is impossible to not feel exhausted by the slow pace of racial, economic and societal progress. However, this position is further undermined by the blame Americans like Anthony choose to place on others who share their struggles. Understood as a decisively indecisive and self-undermining musical anthem, “Rich Men North of Richmond” is far more valuable as a window into America’s current state of affairs (akin to Dylan and Guthrie’s work) rather than anything to do with its backward messaging; the very appeal of the song lies within its contradictions.

Student presents work at Young Choreographer’s Festival

Clara Alger Guest Columnist

On June 23, Vassar’s own Camryn Spero ’24 presented her work, “Juncture,” at the Young Choreographer’s Festival (YCF) at Symphony Space in New York City. The festival, now in its 13th year, showcases the work of up-and-coming 18-to-25-year-old choreographers across all genres of dance. According to the festival’s website, YCF states, “We aim to educate, foster, and cultivate talented young artists by providing them with the tools, education, resources, and platform to successfully pursue a career in dance.” Spero first presented “Juncture” in Vassar Repertory Dance Theatre’s (VRDT) Spring Showcase in 2022 and submitted a video of the piece for consideration in Spring 2023.

Set to trance-like electronic music, “Juncture” is angular and rhythmic. With six dancers dressed in deep red costumes, the dancing builds in fluidity and intensity until it reaches a moment of quiet halfway

through as the lighting dims. From there, the dancing grows in energy once again as Spero plays with unison and individual movement. Dancers split into different groups, creating a collage of motion.

Spero explains that the driving themes of the piece are dependency, reliance and power. She first heard the music for the piece, “Gathering” by Forest Swords, in 2020. Though she said the unique sound of the track sent her to an inspired place, she explained that it was actually movement that determined the theme of the piece, saying, “The first movements I envisioned with the music happened to be what’s at the start of the piece, and it’s a movement that can be done both by oneself and in pairs.” That juxtaposition of solitary and collaborative movement led Spero to explore ideas of agency and relying on others.

“Throughout the piece I play with a lot of hinges, people arching their backs, people falling to their knees and people falling to the floor as if there’s some sort of codependency with something, whether literal or

abstract, which they are literally leaning on or being manipulated by,” she explains.

As part of admission into the festival, choreographers are paired with a mentor who provides feedback on their piece. Spero was paired with jazz dancer, educator and choreographer Sheila Barker. Barker’s feedback, along with Spero’s artistic growth since first creating “Juncture,” gave her the necessary tools to adjust and strengthen the piece for the festival.

One challenge of taking “Juncture” to YCF was gathering all of the dancers together again. Two of the original dancers weren’t able to commit to the festival, so Spero asked VRDT dancers Dana Tagliaferro ’25 and Courtney Spero ’24 to step in. The two learned the piece in a day during final exam week this past spring. The majority of the dancers came to Vassar the weekend before the festival to rehearse, but the whole cast was not together until the day of the show. An added challenge came when dancer Jalene Medina ’23 sprained her ankle while running tech for the show. Just hours before the performance, Camryn Spero found herself back in the studio, rechoreographing and setting the piece.

She changed Medina and Tagliaferro’s duet into a solo for Tagliaferro, and spent time figuring out her own entrances and exits. Ultimately, when she looked back on the video of the performance, Spero thought it looked smooth, but she was sad that Medina could not perform.

Despite these difficulties, Spero and her dancers had a great time working on the piece. Spero commented, “It’s always very happy and rewarding to have everyone want to come back and dance.” On the day of the show the group had a fun and busy day in New York City, with Spero adding, “Everything surrounding the show was equally as memorable as the show itself.”

Image courtesy of Jaqi Medlock.

Image courtesy of Jaqi Medlock.

Image courtesy of Jaqi Medlock.

Arts and commerce fuse at Hudson Yards’ Sonic Sphere

Jesse Koblin Arts Editor

New York’s Hudson Yards, an upscale mixed-use complex seated within West Manhattan’s High Line dockside, has a storied history. Once an industrial hub home to railway and meatpacking operations, the area has undergone expansive (and expensive, as per Business Insider) redevelopments to attract consumers to its high-rise apartments and luxury retailers. In reality, Hudson Yards boasts half-empty apartment buildings, as stated in The Wall Street Journal, and the ill-conceived tower known as the Vessel. Hudson Yards is another urban planning scheme of ambiguous benefit, but amidst its troubled commercial buildings sits the Shed, a lopsided rectangular edifice evoking a massive, glass Tempurpedic pillow. The Shed’s mission statement emphasizes that it seeks to promote creative innovation, an understanding of the world and equity. Its chief attraction is the Sonic Sphere, a vast spherical concert hall 65 feet in diameter and suspended over 100 feet in the air, a dizzying scale for a surreal venue. This summer, I attended three concerts at the Sphere. Two concerts were pre-recorded light shows composed by Steve Reich and The xx, while the third was a live performance by musician Madame Gandhi. Although my objective was to gauge whether the Sphere and its acts could deliver fulfilling musical experiences, I walked away with conflicting feelings and the sense that someone dropped the ball.

The ascent to the Sphere was the first (and arguably most striking) aspect of the experience. Staff shepherded visitors through industrial black double doors into a cavernous and liminal space, barren except for the Sphere looming overhead in a neon-red splendor. Boggling at the metallic structure above me, a perfectly circular black orb fixed

in the air, I climbed three free-standing flights of stairs alongside droves of other spectators. The entire scene evoked a sci-fi-esque pilgrimage toward a mechanical god. This initial experience is fantastical and meant to astound.

In an area as dense as New York City, the stark, near-empty space housing the Sphere is a grandiose claim where artistry and luxury can coalesce. The entrance to the Sphere itself is equally imposing. Held aloft by massive steel hooks and ballasts, with mesh floors revealing one’s suspension above the ground and reclined netting seats, the design induces the feeling of free-floating. Structurally and aesthetically, the Sphere is indeed impressive.

The other half of its construction, its musical accompaniment and light show, I am more ambivalent on. With an amphitheater-style arrangement, the Sphere contains rows of net seating built along its curvature and around a central podium where the musician performs. I reclined into my netting and was awash with color as the first concert began, set to an unabridged recording of Steve Reich’s “Music for 18 Musicians.” Reich is a master, and “18 Musicians” exemplifies his craft as one of the foremost composers of minimalist music. Beguiling yet delightful, Reich constructs kaleidoscopic lush textures and rhythms that transport listeners into a transcendent space, evoking cosmic and spiritual scales—unfortunately, the lights don’t do justice to Reich’s music. For music as complex and varied as Reich’s, the visuals were ill-fitting, displaying a limited variety of colors, patterns and pulsing cadences. The next concert I saw, set to a medley of songs by the English rock band The xx, was pleasant. The xx delivers under-produced, atmospheric beats set to breathily sung ballads of ill-begotten love, reflecting the futuristic aesthetic of the Sphere. Here, the lights felt fittingly minimal and slick, matching the feeling of the mu-

sic. The audio quality waned slightly in this concert, with some songs being noticeably poorly-mixed. Despite the Sphere’s potential to facilitate immersive audio mixing and multi-directional sounds, the limited compositional variety I experienced during The xx’s concert was disappointing.

The final concert I attended was a live performance by New York-based multigenre musician Madame Gandhi, who combines creative, rhythm-focused sampling with R&B vocals and a lyrical focus on mindfulness and wellness. Gandhi had a convincing command of the live venue, getting a previously disengaged audience out of their seats and, by the end, dancing to her set. She kept the energy up throughout the performance, constantly moving or injecting a percussive element by hopping on her drum set and playing over the pre-recorded track. Gandhi is a genuinely charming performer and leveraged the strengths of the Sphere well, working within the limited physicality of the space to galvanize her audience into active engagement and adding live music to elevate the compressed, flat sound of the Sphere’s mixing. Gandhi’s lyricism added an intellectual complexity to

the night; threading together topics of mental wellness, postcolonial thought and racial identity, her set engaged on both musical and thematic levels.

Overall, I am left feeling ambivalent about the Sphere, its surrounding Hudson Yards and the success of its intentions. While a contrived, expensive space can house innovative art, the actual sites of creative innovation are often the cramped basements and salons across the organically made areas of New York City. In my opinion, genuinely emergent, groundbreaking artistry intertwines with the energy of civilian life. Hudson Yards is antithetical to that as a space that conjures the anti-human design of late-stage capitalism, with its aforementioned empty apartments and tragedy-marked buildings. Nonetheless, the Sphere is an incredible space and an art installation in itself. The Sphere begs attendance as a unique venue, even if some technical aspects are lacking. I recommend attending a Sonic Sphere concert if you are in the area and open to an exciting experience; they feature talented musicians and offer a memorable ascent you won’t soon forget. Oh, and the interior is pretty cool, too.

‘One Piece’ live action finds some unexpected success

Anime is the latest phenomenon parading the U.S. media market, with “One Piece” being the quintessential watch. With over 500 million manga copies sold, and over 1,000 television episodes premiered since 1999, it is considered one of the longest-running anime series of all time. The story boasts a young explorer, Monkey D. Luffy, in search of the ultimate treasure, The One Piece, to become the King of the Pirates. He has won over the hearts of many watchers with an unwaveringly optimistic attitude, roguish charm and innate care for his crew. Recently, the show has been readapted into a live-action series, sparking controversy. Many fans feared the worst, especially given Netflix’s notorious past failures with live-action anime adaptations, like “Death Note” and “Cowboy Bebop.”

“One Piece,” released on Aug. 31, may just be the exception. The eight-episode adaptation is written and produced by Matt Owens and Steven Maeda, referred to as “super-fans” by the author and illustrator of the original manga, Eiichiro Oda. Luckily for “One Piece” purists, a New York Times interview with Oda revealed that Netflix had agreed not to release the program until Oda himself declared it satisfactory; in his own words, he “act[ed] as a guard dog to ensure the material was being adapted in the correct way.”

In the past, Netflix has produced halfbaked bootleg carbon copies of the manga characters, as seen in the scathing reviews of “Cowboy Bebop.” This is an understandable critique, as the unlimited range of artistic

expression available in mediums like manga and anime are not accessible to human acting. Instead, actors’ attempts of a manga character’s quirky reactions or catchphrases come off as ingenuine at best, and cringeworthy at worst. “One Piece,” for instance, famously displays hyperbolic reaction shots like a character unhinging their jaw completely to display pure shock. As brilliantly put by Charles Pulliam-Moore of The Verge, the difficulty lies in “figuring out how to make the…world feel both ‘grounded’ enough for flesh and blood actors…, and true enough to the bizarre whimsy of the books.”

ously seen in other adaptations. Rather than an identical emulation of the characters, “One Piece” strives toward an embodiment of their spirits and values.

million more than the money spent on the entire 20+ seasons of the anime.

Despite the general excitement over the show’s release, criticism is not few and far between. Many have deemed the show “bland and generic.” Others were frustrated by the expedited plot line. New York Times writer Mike Hale critiqued “the thinness of the characterization”; it functions in a 20-minute anime episode, yet becomes much harder to ignore in hour-long, live-action episodes.

Second, while providing a humanistic twist on the anime characters’ portrayals, the designers stayed true blue to the props. According to Production Designer Richard Bridgland, visual effects were only used to “extend the world beyond the sets,” but overall, the filmmaking was “pretty old-school.”

Thankfully, Netflix nails it on a few different fronts. First, the casting of the protagonist is on point. In the highest praise, Oda claims Iñaki Godoy to be “just like the [Luffy] I drew.” Oda was able to shift gears from “how the manga Luffy would act.” Instead, he “[gave] notes on how the live-action Luffy should act,” creating an air of authenticity not previ-

To pull this off, Netflix built incredibly detail-oriented sets, like Baratie—a fish-shaped boat doubling as a restaurant in the middle of the ocean—enrapturing watchers within Luffy’s world. They also brought to life the Going Merry, Luffy’s crew’s original ship, and Alvida’s Miss Love Duck Ship. Given that, in 2021, the Going Merry Ship ranked 32 out of 100 as a top character of the series, it is clear the pertinence of the sets to the success of the show. Owens and Maeda recognized this and set an insurmountably high production budget rumored at $18 million per episode. At these prices, “One Piece” will cost upwards of $144 million in total, which is roughly $40

It is a difficult task to take a show with a cult following and revise it in a way that comes off as neither unoriginal nor inaccurate to the fanbase. While the show is far from perfect, it is an exciting feat with a 95 percent audience score and 82 percent critics score on Rotten Tomatoes. With all the show’s hype, Season Two is already being discussed (although delays are likely imminent given the dual strike from The Writers Guild of America and The Screen Actors Guild of America). In this sense, the newest “One Piece” has opened the door of possibilities to a new genre: live-action anime, where the flesh and blood actors may add an unexpected layer of depth that an anime or manga cannot capture.

Jesse Koblin/The Miscellany News.

Sophie Camplejohn Guest Columnist

“In the past, Netflix has produced half-baked bootleg carbon copies of the manga characters, as seen in the scathing reviews of ‘Cowboy Bebop.’”

“Rather than an identical emulation of the characters, ‘One Piece’ strives toward an embodiment of their spirits and values.”

Image courtesy of 23 Joyboy via Wikimedia Commons.

Arts editors pick their favorite recent releases

Speedy Ortiz is on tour, and if you did not see them in Kingston on September 6, they will be at New York City’s Bowery Ballroom on December 16.

Allen’s pick: “everything is alive” by Slowdive

Slowdive’s newest record in 6 years is their second post-reunion work, reestablishing their modern presence after a historic early career. The British group helped pioneer the genres of shoegaze and dream pop in the early 1990s, emerging as one of the most influential bands in these scenes. The signature, ethereal dual vocals of Neil Halstead and Rachel Goswell sound airy and mature, whispering more often than they choose to belt. Although the group retains components of their previous sound, the singing changes are indicative of an overall stylistic shift. The opening track “shanty” begins with whirring electronics and up-tempo, lighter drumming; this softer feel is also notable on tracks like “alife” and “kisses,” the former of which utilizes a winding guitar part that lends itself to a floaty atmosphere. Across the first three tracks, the sound varies enough to stay interesting, but it feels like each individual song lacks some necessary development. “andalucia plays” is especially indicative of this repetition, which feels a bit uninspired and aimless. However, a variety of highlights on the album are still worth noting. The lead single “kisses” contains a fantastic chorus, aided by a fuller-sounding studio mix. Following this song, “skin in the

game” provides darker, heavier contrast with some excellent, ghostly vocal harmonies. Electronic arpeggiation is revisited on “chained to a cloud,” which contains singing that sweeps in nicely alongside the percussion. As a whole, “everything is alive” manages to avoid stylistic stagnation while incorporating fresh elements into the band’s sound. Slowdive’s future looks bright if they can successfully continue in new directions, solidifying their immense legacy.

Allen’s pick: “Defeat” by Animal Collective

For over two decades Animal Collective has been pushing the boundaries of psychedelic music, meshing a variety of styles together throughout their distinct discography. Most recently, the band put out “Defeat,” a gargantuan single lasting nearly 22 minutes. Their upcoming album “Isn’t It

Now?” will be released later this month, with “Defeat” listed as the project’s 5th track. The journey begins with a droning section that utilizes a sitar-sounding instrument. Singing enters as the density slowly accumulates, drawing on inspiration from the New Age- style of ambient music. Lush, meditative instrumental backing expands and contracts while powerful harmonies—a mainstay of the band’s aesthetic—add a necessary emotional weight to the piece. These lyrics ring out in a triumphant manner, as if the musicians are shedding some sort of pressure from themselves. Drums rise from the silence and allow the work to transition into its next section, a rhythmic,

punctuated interplay between percussion and lyrics. This is classic Animal Collective at work, managing to toe the line between accessible, poppy melodies and experimental structures. The listener once again enters a slower section that adds non-musical ambiance into the mix, giving the track a naturalistic feel. Intensity slowly rises and falls before the piece comes to its close, concluding an odyssey of sonically vivid ideas. Although each section can function individually, the band does a great job of ensuring their overall cohesion through seamless transitions; as a dedicated fan, I am thrilled to see the direction taken on their upcoming album.

A micro department store committed to domestic manufacturing and the community it creates. Brought to you by Utility Canvas and Hudson Clothier. Women + Men + Home + Coffee shop 27 Garden street. Poughkeepsie, NY

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Image courtesy of Rockford the Roe via Wikimedia Commons.

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Continued from ARTS EDITORS on page 1

Oh boy, freshman year: reflecting on transitions

Frieda Dangerfield Guest Reporter

Mornings in a communal bathroom are not something one can fully prepare for. I sit on the toilet seat and think about the fact that this stall is my only outlet for true solitude. When I return to the sink, a man draped in a flimsy towel is spitting phlegm into the drains. I give a little wave before soaking my retainers. This is college, I suppose. My little wet feet squelch down hallways in the dark; a craving for home-cooked sweet potatoes lives on in my mind. I have fans in my room now––they never quite work––and a small feeling in the back of my throat that constantly reminds me of how much I miss home.

Oh yeah, and a literal feeling in my throat has progressed into a full blown asthma condition. Freshman flu is quite astoundingly no joke, and I contracted it a mere three days after arriving here. Shaking chills and splitting headaches left me in bed for a good period of time. I lay

in complete darkness, staring at the Fiona Apple poster hung awry and very occasionally slipped into sleep. This allowed me the grand opportunity to slow down and actually process the change that is college.

I’ve never been good at transitions. After my eighth grade graduation, I clutched a packet of Good & Plentys that was gifted to me by a teacher, and I sobbed hysterically all night. I did the same thing when, last week, a good friend of mine walked out the door for the last time. I hugged my good, weighted dino stuffed animal in my bedroom and cried for four hours, relentlessly. Then came the fever. I was sitting in the Deece, freshmen around as far as the eye could see, when shivers began wending their way through my body. Might as well take my temperature, I thought, and the red light of a janky thermometer flashed “101.” I resigned myself to the window corner of my dorm room and cried as I watched the world move by. I cried as I FaceTimed my cats. I cried as I called my best friend. I cried because nothing is the same as it was,

and this will soon become my new normal. And yet, there’s something in the air here. That “something” radiates through the beautiful singing of my new friend, strumming a guitar as I bask in the sun. She teaches me the delicate art of songwriting. I’ve never understood that before.

That “something” brushes past me as I dance to Flo Milli while Swiffering our hardwood floors. I clean up messes and stomp on ants that infest our room. That “something” twirls around my neck on a freshly bought lanyard that I am swinging back and forth. That “something” is in a jam sesh-to-be, a Twisted Soul cup of tea, and it truly makes me feel happy. So, I claim the fourth stall in the bathroom and stare at the sexual assault resources plastered around the walls. Oh boy, freshman year—a moment in time that will be forever encompassed by the idea of truly living free. It’s not really all it’s chalked up to be, but that doesn’t mean anything about what it could become. Fall air will eventually roll in and I will get to enjoy the sight of beautiful sweaters and smiling faces. Winter snow will make us dorm-ridden again, and we will get to drink chai. And when spring rolls around, maybe I will have finally adjusted to the reality of standing in a bathroom stall that will never quite feel right.

Alumnae/i receive summer attention and achievements

Luke Jenkins Assistant Features Editor

Summer, besides being a quick respite from academic annihilation, is a season with an extensive amount of hustle and bustle. This hustle and bustle, specifically singling out the attention or achievements of Vassar’s alumnae/i, go unreported without a trusty, well-distributed campus publication. With The Miscellany News back with the same spunk it had in 1866, it seems only right to provide the essential service of honoring some former students who came before.

Beowulf Boritt. This year’s 76th Tony Awards saw Beowulf Boritt ’93 take home the win for Best Scenic Design of a Musical. Boritt’s work on “New York, New York”— based on the ’70s film directed by Martin Scorsese—debuted on March 24, 2023, at St. James Theater on Broadway. While production closed last month, you can still catch the show on its upcoming national tour, commencing in January 2025.

Sherrilyn Ifill. The world of legal academia recently received exciting news with renowned civil rights lawyer Sherrilyn Ifill ’84, former President and Director-Counsel of the National Association for the Advancement of Colored People (NAACP) Legal Defense Fund, joining the faculty of Howard Law School as the inaugural Vernon E. Jordan, Jr., Esq. Endowed Chair in Civil Rights. “As the Vernon Jordan Chair, Ifill will launch a multi-disciplinary center focused on promoting the vision and values articulated in the 14th Amendment of the Constitution as the central source of America’s post-Civil War identity,” according to a statement from the Howard Newsroom Staff.

Hope Davis. Director Wes Anderson’s addition to the summer box office, “Asteroid City,” featured Class of 1986’s Hope Davis in one of Anderson’s traditionally large ensemble casts, alongside Scarlett Johansson, Tom Hanks and Tilda Swinton, among others. The film, which was released in the United States on June 16, follows the events of a ’50s Junior Stargazer convention. Davis also appeared in the popular HBO television series “Succession,” playing her character

Sandy Furness for the last time as the show premiered its series finale on May 28, 2023. Jean Tatlock. Seen through her intimate relationship with J. Robert Oppenheimer in Christopher Nolan’s summer blockbuster “Oppenheimer,” Jean Tatlock ’35 and her sorrowful story captured viewers’ attention around the world. Tatlock, in addition to attending Vassar, was a graduate of Stanford Medical School, where she studied to become a psychiatrist. She was also a journalist for the Western Worker, a periodical of the Communist Party on the West Coast.

Philip Jefferson. May of this year saw the nomination of Philip Jefferson ’09—a current member of the Federal Reserve Board of Governors—to serve as Vice Chair of the Federal Reserve, second-in-command to current Chair Jerome Powell. The Fed, which featured prominently in the news this past year due to the rising prices of goods, seeks to continue lowering inflation to its target rate of two percent, down from nine percent last year, according to AP News. Jefferson, if confirmed to the role of Vice Chair, will have an even larger influence on the health and success of the American economy. His current term on the Board, regardless of his elevation, will expire on Jan. 31, 2036.

AC Dumlao. New York City’s annual Pride March—which attracts millions of people to the city on the last Sunday of June— was led by the Class of 2013’s AC Dumlao, who served as one of five Grand Marshalls for the celebration. Dumlao, who serves on the Alumnae/i Association of Vassar College Board of Directors, received this prestigious honor for their work as an LGBTQIA+ activist. He serves as the Chief of Staff at Athlete Ally, a nonprofit organization known for its work on increasing inclusivity in sports.

Noah Baumbach. The “Barbie” movie, the reigning box office success of the summer, was co-written by Class of ’91’s Noah Baumbach, alongside longtime collaborator and partner Greta Gerwig, who directed the film. Baumbach was notably absent from the premiere of “Barbie,” with Gerwig attributing his absence to his passionate support for “the fight of the Writers Guild of America.” His past work includes 2009’s “Fantastic Mr. Fox,” 2019’s “Marriage Story” and 2013’s “Frances Ha.”

“Oh boy, freshman year—a moment in time that will be forever encompassed by the idea of truly living free. It’s not really all it’s chalked up to be, but that doesn’t mean anything about what it could become.”

Image courtesy of Wikimedia Commons.

Image courtesy of Wikimedia Commons.

Hyperfemininity resurges with Barbie movie

Thissummer, director Greta Gerwig took viewers to Barbieland: a dreamy matriarchy where the Barbies live fulfilling lives while the Kens are simply there. The film opens with a montage of Barbies with different careers, portraying everything that Barbie (who is symbolic of women) can be. Barbieland is the perfect pink inverse of the real world—this inversion brings to light the absurdity of gender politics in the real world. The Hyper-femininity of Barbieland—often seen as an outdated and extreme stereotype—actually demonstrates how seemingly traditional gender roles contribute to modern feminism and gender expression.

Hyper-femininity as a tool for the redefinition of gender roles also came to the fore in the ’90s with the popularization of Britney Spears. Audiences were astounded by this 17-year-old’s unabashed sexuality combined with an innocent and girly aesthetic. She rapidly started garnering both praise and criticism, becoming a representation for the controversial coexistence of sexuality and femininity in pop culture. This synthesis of sexuality and girlishness created a Hyper-femininity that is still present in media today.

In a 2001 review of Spears’ third studio album “Britney,” The Rolling Stone wrote, “While she’s envisioning herself as a renegade fairy-tale princess, other gals her age are contemplating college majors, contraception and motherhood. America itself has aged abruptly over the past two months, perhaps too quickly for ‘Britney,’ Britney or even Britney.” The Rolling Stone, among other critics, treated Spears’ Hyper-femininity as a taboo and regressive compared to female accomplishments in male worlds.

In spite of her controversy, Spears’ legacy in pop culture stands strong, as she’s still a household name,* despite the controversy surrounding her image and public persona. She dominated the charts in the ’90s and 2000s and became a symbol of girlhood and female sexual liberation. Her embrace of Hyper-femininity (which critics bashed)

became a tool for a wider embrace of possible female subjectivity. Many other artists of the time—including Madonna, Christina Aguilera and Gwen Stefani—also stood for this expansion of what it means to be “feminine,” creating a space for female, transgender and non-binary identifying individuals to express themselves in ways previously labeled as hyper-feminine.

The Barbie franchise—notably the doll— has garnered similar reviews. The dolls serve as the double edged sword of what women can be and what women should be. Though a variety of different Barbie dolls— such as President Barbie and Astronaut Barbie—can be seen as feminist symbols, the company’s adherence to unrealistic beauty standards in the dolls’ design has also made Barbie the pinnacle of female objectification.

Nonetheless, the Barbie movie has garnered immense praise, becoming Warner

Bros.’ highest grossing film to date. Gerwig balanced the absurd with the philosophical and used a doll franchise shrouded in stereotypes to provide commentary on womanhood and the detrimental effects of the patriarchy on women. Thus, Barbie retools hyper-feminine traits to contribute to an expansion of possible modes of expression for women.

“Barbie” made it especially clear that the hyper-feminine stereotypes which the dolls embodied were a choice. At one point in the film, the Barbies were brainwashed into wearing overly sexualized clothing; while this was seemingly “on-brand” for the characters, it was clear that the notion of choice being taken away made the Barbies feel powerless in their own expression. Their conscious choices in how they expressed themselves were powerful parts of their identities and showed that they were conscious members of society, not just sub -

jects of dress-up games.

Similarly, Spears’ risqué persona was more than just a character. It was her declaration that people have a choice in how they express themselves, both within and beyond what society would expect, and expressing that hyper-femininity can be a conscious decision of gender expression and not just a societal expectation.

Both Spears and “Barbie” raise the important point that a hyper-feminine disposition is simply a form of expression; it can subvert the expectation of women to act in a certain way by adding an element of choice in how they express themselves.

*I would like to briefly acknowledge the #FreeBritney campaign; as an advocate for mental health care, I, like many other fans, found her conservatorship to be extremely unethical, and will not be mentioning it further in this article.

Grace Finke Guest Reporter

Image courtesy of Wikimedia Commons.

Karen Mogami/The Miscellany

Breaking News

From the desk of Nicholas Tillinghast, Humor Editor

Students collectively respond to Vassar lawsuit email: “Damn, that’s crazy.”

In summer heat, new outfits make dorms much cooler

Benjamin Savel Queen

As students moved into their dorms this semester, the reality of an un-air-conditioned room soon set in. Fans were cranked to the maximum, air conditioning requests were filed at the pace of a Ferrari on steroids and ice-cold water became a sudden scarcity. With no quick fix, everyone on campus has let out a collective cry of exasperation in the sweltering heat.

But one student has the perfect solution at the ready. Frederick Mercury ’27, an ambitious and charismatic first-year music major, is now handing out pairs of aviator glasses, boxes of free electric guitars and hand-stitched bomber jackets. The cool apparel is so oversized that each item fills an entire Noyes double. After donning the popular fashion items, each Vassar dorm has become much cooler, transforming from an intolerable, sweat-inducing disaster to a place people wouldn’t mind relaxing in.

We interviewed one sophomore who attested to the effectiveness of Mercury’s

plan.

“Look, I’m a big fan of Freddie’s. I’m such a big fan that I could almost be part of an air conditioner. Freddie’s got this cool thing nailed down 100 percent.”

In an official letter to the Vassar commu-

nity, Mercury says he has no plans to stop now because he’s having such a good time. He is not Under Pressure from college administration, but he’s glad he made this Breakthrough because, despite the heat, The Show Must Go On.

Asked about the prospect of upcoming storms affecting the high temperatures, Mercury concluded with a word of meteorological expertise:

“Any way the wind blows,” he stated, “doesn’t really matter to me.”

This is a credit/caption! Like headlines,

Image courtesy of Andrew Chu ’27.

Benjamin Savel/Miscellany News.

Unaware. Innocent. Youthful. These were three words that described me when, just two weeks ago, I arrived on the Vassar campus for the start of my freshman year.

In July of 2023, I got an ever-important email from Rich Horowitz informing me of my rooming assignment. I would be living on the fourth floor of Raymond House.

Unbeknownst to me, Horowitz had selected me as a victim of one of the most grave diseases that currently affects society today—the current bubonic plague, if you will. What is the disease, you may ask? Raymond Afflicted Tenant Syndrome, colloquially known as R.A.T.S.

R.A.T.S isn’t a common disease, but it certainly isn’t rare. As many as one in 12 students on the Vassar campus are currently suffering from R.A.T.S.

With no cure in sight, it is a difficult diagnosis. As a call for help and a way to raise awareness of this crippling disease, I conducted interviews with real R.A.T.S. victims. In order to conceal the identities of the participants, I have given each of them pseudonyms, representing a major symptom of the syndrome. Here are the very real transcripts from those conversations:

Cassandra Brook: Could you please describe the conditions and ways in which R.A.T.S. has irrevocably altered your life?

Stairs: Yes. Before contracting R.A.T.S, I lived in NYC on the 12th floor of my apartment. An elevator was a necessity; it was my lifeline, even. Those sweet melodies of cables hoisting my body up numerous floors were a regularity. Now, those same sounds taunt me as I trek up to my fifth-floor Raymond dorm with no elevator in sight. Oh, how I miss the days of R.A.T.S.-less innocence! My legs have begun to ache from overuse and I fear I will not

walk much longer. Reminiscing on my simple past is a painful part of my new routine, one singularly inflicted by R.A.T.S.

Cassandra Brook: Could you please go into depth about the conditions of the lavatories that you use?

Murderous Bathrooms: Though the lavatories are kept spick and span, the quality of their—what I could only describe as “murder documentary”—aesthetic haunts me. Upon entrance, the color red shouts at me—blinds me even—leaving me defenseless to the mysterious and violent powers of The Sink. The Sink sits in the corner, waiting to pounce at innocent viewers with its grime-covered stomach. Accompanying The Sink is a singular cold metal chair, a reminder to always be on guard. Generations ago, pupils with R.A.T.S sat in that exact chair. They have not been seen since.

Cassandra Brook: How would you describe a typical trip to do laundry in the basement?

Failed Laundry: Doing laundry with R.A.T.S. is always a lose-lose game. After furtively walking through the basement, checking every corner and crevice (especially the area that belongs to the dirt pit) so as not to be taken hostage by ghosts, I arrive at the laundry room. I load the machines, ready to wear my clothes anew. However, when I gently remove my clothes from the dryer, they burn me. Mysteriously, my clothes are steaming hot, though I specifically put the dryer on low heat. Alas, when I unload my clothes back into my drawers, I realize that they are fit only for the mice that run rampant. Just like the Grinch’s heart, they are shrunk three sizes too small, but there is no Cindy Lou Who to save them.

As seen by these interviews, R.A.T.S. is a very real and dangerous affliction. Though not common, you MUST be on the lookout, because you and your loved ones are at risk of being its next victims. Stay safe, Vassar College.

Investigating R.A.T.S, Raymond’s rampant illness OBSERVATION #5

Students await the second coming of Retreat hot food

Nicholas Tillinghast Zealot

VassarDining has found new ways to sink deeper into the depths of mediocrity and disappointment. This past week, they announced via email that hot food items at the popular Main eating spot, Retreat, would be taking a sabbatical, leaving frequent Retreaters stuck in a world of cold and room temperature meal options.

In response, some students are turning towards divine intervention to solve Retreat’s hot woes. Calling themselves “Retreationists,” this group is sending their prayers to the mythical figure, Gordon Common, who they believe will guide the second coming of Retreat hot food. I convened with a few Retreationists at their weekly service on the Deece’s second-floor stage to discuss their new belief system.

“I pray to Mr. Common every night, hoping for a heated tomorrow,” said one Retreationist. “First they came for Express hot food, and I said nothing. Then it was the grape jelly, and again I said nothing. Now this. Why didn’t we speak up sooner?”

Next, I spoke to the Retreationists’ worship leader, who discussed the religion’s strict dietary restrictions such as the avoidance of the Street Eats food truck, which has extended its hours this semester. “Street Eats is a false god. It is a food truck and yet the food is not food-truck quality. We Retreationists do not engage with such deception.”

As for more general commandments, the Retreationist leader had this to say: “Yeah, just like, don’t be a jerk. Also you can’t have an active account on Fizz—Gordon Common’s words spoken through me, not mine.” The Retreationist continued. “These are real-

ly only temporary commandments. I can see the promised land already. Egg sandwiches will be plentiful once again. Retreat chili will be as good as Express chili used to be. The pizza burger will finally return.”

Next I talked to a Retreationist who was tasked with compiling the religion’s holy texts into the Book of Gordon. “I’ve never made a holy book before, so I’m excited! I’m thinking it’ll be kind of zine-y, maybe throw some whiteout poetry in it … God, I would totally get an A in a Holy Book Writing class,” said the Retreationist, proudly.

Despite the religion’s one week of existence, Retreationism has already had a major schism, with a small sect of Retreationists dividing in favor of a Christian flair. Calling themselves “Retreationistians,” (not to be confused with the Retreationists) they believe the second coming of Retreat hot food will coincide with the second coming of Jesus Christ, with the two converging for Chicken Nugget Tuesday. I spoke with one Retreationistian on the matter.

“JC’s gonna be like, ‘I’m back, where are those chicken nuggets at?’ This will be Jesus’ first supper in quite a while, so he’s gonna be hungry. After he finishes, he’ll be like, ‘Well, I guess I gotta go judge the living and the dead. Catch you later.’ Classic Jesus,” said the Retreationistian. I talked to a Retreationist who had a different opinion.

“The Retreationistians have it all wrong. As a Retreationist, I don’t believe Jesus of Nazareth is gonna come back for Retreat Hot Food. I don’t really want him there anyways. He’d probably say something weird like,‘These chicken nuggets are my body, given to you.’ Like, why can’t they just be chicken nuggets, JC? Why do you gotta make it all about you?” The Retreationist kicked a wall

in frustration.

There is one thing that the Retreationists and Retreationistians do agree on, though: that the jerks, Street Eats-ers and Fizz users will apparently not be welcomed into the Kingdom of Hot Food, as their VCards will explode on the day of reckoning.

“I mean, that’s a fixable problem, but those CIS lines are gonna be insane,” said

one Retreationist. But as far as having a timeline for retribution, the Retreationist have yet to produce clear answers.

“I’m not sure when Retreat Hot Food will return, but I hope and I pray to Gordon Common that it’ll happen before I graduate,” said the Retreationist’s youngest convert, a fifth grader from Westchester and a hopeful member of the class of 2035.

Donald Trump scouted, signed to IMG models

Josie Wenner Icon

In new mugshots released, Donald Trump wows fans and floors critics. The photographs have been described as “breathtaking,” “magical” and “never been done before.” These images have landed the “Home Alone 2: Lost in New York” actor his next big break: a contract with IMG Models.

“Donald Trump is the fresh new face this industry needs,” reports an IMG scout. “That hair, those eyes. His digitals will just blow you away. The way he works the room, commanding the space, with just his walk…well, it’s a one-in-a-million kind of talent.”

In addition to the signing, Trump has announced a new stage name: Don. “Don is bold, innovative and creative. He’s everything women want and everything men want to be. This rebrand simply highlights his transformation and growth as he moves into the person he wants to be,” said agent Ken Higgins.

Don’s rebranding signals his metamorphosis and the change he’s undergone. From the first president to be impeached twice to the first president to be charged with criminal activity, he’s worn a lot of hats over the years. He may want to shed his former self and the negativity associated with the name as he looks into an newer, brighter future.

“Yes, modeling and being the president are very different,” Higgins comments. “But they share a few key similarities that I think Don excels at. You need to rule the room. You need to step decisively. You know, wars have been won and lost based on the way a man moves his hips. And above all, you need to look good, and no one can deny that the face in that pic-

ture is a Greek god among men.”

However, looks alone do not make a model. We’ve heard rumors that Don is being trained for the runway by top-notch industry members. Higgins reported his participation in a “modeling boot camp,” led by “America’s Next Top Model” host and titan of industry Tyra

Banks.

“Tyra loves Don,” Higgins gushes. “She says he’s a natural. He’s needed less catwalk training than anyone she’s ever met.” Banks could not be reached for comment, but a representative simply stated that “some people are just born to strut.”

Some call Don’s mugshot a sign of the end of his career, but we see it as a beginning. “That piercing gaze, those troubled eyes,” sighs longtime Don fan Cathy Johnson. “He’s just so deep. You can tell he has so much going on beneath the surface.” Perhaps Don’s recent indictment will tell us just how much.

Nicholas Tillinghast/The Miscellany News.

ARIES March 21 | April 19

HOROSCOPES

Oliver Stewart Astralnaut in the Ocean

This week, embrace change. Things may not go exactly the way you want them to, but ultimately, that may be for the best. Embrace chaos, too. Too much order can get you down. Embrace other things that start with “ch.” Chickens, for example.

LIBRA Sept. 23 | Oct. 22

Unleash the true rage you feel. Have you ever felt true rage? I’m not talking about basic anger, or petty irritation or any of that stuff. I mean genuine, red-hot, incandescent rage, the kind that makes you boil from the inside and twists your intestines in knots. If you know what I mean, let it out. It’ll feel better than keeping it all pent up.

TAURUS April 20 | May 20

The symbol of Taurus, I hear, is the beautiful and noble bull. Ironically, what you need to do this week is cut “bull” out of your life. Ignore the reminder on your phone telling you to read that biology textbook. Ignore that text from your mom that says “did u saw the barben movie?” You don’t need that kind of toxicity.

SCORPIO Oct. 23 | Nov. 21

This week, read the terms and conditions. Don’t thoughtlessly click accept; that’s how they get you. Stay on your toes. Don’t accept cookies either. Unless it’s the kind with the macadamia nuts. I’m pretty sure those are okay.

GEMINI May 21 | June 20

Some people’s love language is physical touch; others prefer acts of service. Yours is more basic: Latin. Start learning it on Duolingo now, or you may never find love. Ubi est Caecilius? And how will you ever find him if you don’t start studying the nominative case stat.

SAGITTARIUS Nov. 22 | Dec. 21

I’ve never met one of these. I’m actually convinced it’s a whole conspiracy, and if I acknowledge that Sagittariuses (Sagittarii?) exist, a bunch of people will jump out from behind the furniture and start laughing at me. I refuse to dignify this made up, bogus, phony, ersatz astrological sign with a horoscope. Pass.

CANCER June 21 | July 22

Santa has eight reindeer—nine, if you include that unbearable showoff Rudolph— and you have none. Don’t you think that’s somewhat of a personal failing? This week, start building a squad of cloven-hoofed friends who love you for who you are and will drop everything to pull your gift-laden sleigh at a moment’s notice. This is either a metaphor or not depending on your personal context.

CAPRICORN Dec. 22 |

Jan. 19

I know you just moved back onto campus, but you should wash your sheets. Are you sure you washed them while you were home for the summer? Are you really sure? Would you bet your life on it? Just do it. You’ll thank me later.

LEO July 23 | Aug. 22

This week, focus on trust, in yourself and others. Does the shrimp your friend cooked look suspiciously raw? Don’t worry about it! Just have faith! Not sure whether you have French homework? If it was important, you would have remembered! It’s probably fine! It’s all probably fine!

AQUARIUS Jan. 20 | Feb. 18

Everything is going to go your way this week. I’m actually kind of annoyed just thinking about it. Without trying, you’ll find yourself frolicking in fields of daisies, sharing special moments with loved ones and truly appreciating life’s small pleasures. Or whatever.

VIRGO

Aug. 23 | Sept. 22

School is back in session, and you know what that means: sweaty, semi-nude lemonade parties in your friend’s aromatic Jewett suite. No? Just me? Ok, never mind then. I don’t have anything else to say to Virgos. I’m sure you’ll all be fine this week.

PISCES Feb. 19 | March 20

Be kind. Nurse a wounded butterfly back to health and nod wisely as it flutters away. When your friend asks if their backt0-school haircut is criminally ugly, smile and say “Of course not!” Always say thank you. Spend the week pretending to be an all-round font of joy. It might be fun.

Letter to the Editor: VSA’s annual budgeting is comprehensive

Recently, a widely-shared, inaccurate and misleading petition threw the Vassar Student Association (VSA) into significant controversy. Authored by the members of the Working Student Coalition (WSC), a VSA-certified organization of which I was once president and founder of, the petition alleged three substantially misinformed points. First, that the VSA’s annual budget had “defunded” Transcending Binaries and Dichotomies (TBD), the Native American and Indigenous Student Association (NAISA) and (partially) the Working Student Coalition (WSC). Second, that the VSA had simultaneously and unfairly shifted funds towards other (purportedly whiter and wealthier) organizations, such as the Ski Team, Equestrian Team and Climbing Club. And third, that the budgeting process had occurred “behind closed doors.” While other (just as misleading) points were made surrounding the VSA’s advocacy record, these will not be addressed here, for brevity’s sake.

As the former VSA Vice President, a two-term VSA Senator and the founding President of what is today “the WSC,” I feel compelled to present my own response to the situation. I want to reassure my peers that organizations like TBD and NAISA will continue to provide and maintain the spaces they always have, to clarify VSA’s annual budgeting process and to rectify what I believe to be the unsatisfactory nature of the present outcomes. As a long-time and often publicly sharp critic of the VSA myself—from the Vassar Student Union, to #VCStrike, to VSA reform—I will be blunt: WSC’s claims are wildly dishonest, and upend significant work to transform, and build trust in, the VSA. They must be addressed—and they will be here, point by point.

First, to answer the basic question: How does the VSA determine the beginning balances allocated to each of its 170+ organizations? The simple answer is: on the basis of each organization’s activity, or non-activity—as outlined in the VSA’s Bylaws and Handbook. To get a beginning balance,

an organization must demonstrate that it needs money, uses money and knows how to manage money. Through the submission of a required budgeting application, all organizations are asked to share relevant information surrounding their incoming leadership, operating costs, past events and remaining and prospective events. When information is lacking, VSA’s Annual Budgeting Commission also considers event logs, room reservations and communications with our Division of Finance and/or Division of Organizations to gain holistic insight into stability, activity and financial needs. By the end of the process, each organization is allocated a “beginning balance”—a tiny sliver of their overall funding. These beginning balances combine with rollover funds, profits and large amounts of cash from VSA’s easily-accessed $150,000 Special Purpose and Capital funds to form each organization’s total “budget.”

In the case of NAISA and TBD, nothing— at least this year—was submitted at all: no incoming leadership, no budgeting application, no updated balance sheets, no logged or spent funds, no room reservations—no communication. In the particular case of TBD, appropriate balance sheets had not been updated since the 2019-2020 academic year. And, while the stability and financial needs of all other 170+ organizations were successfully ascertained through all—or at least some—of the aforementioned metrics, the members of our Annual Budgeting Commission were uniquely unable to understand, based on any available information, the overall stability and financial needs of NAISA and TBD. The Commission could not, therefore, allocate beginning balances to these organizations.

Were TBD and NAISA thus “defunded,” as WSC claimed? No. As previously indicated, the beginning balance is but a sliver of each organization’s overall funding. As with all VSA-certified organizations, any members of TBD and NAISA can still access rollover funds and profits, and request hundreds—or thousands—of dollars worth of additional funds: at any time, and of any

justifiable amount. And, while WSC’s petition strongly suggested otherwise, the topic at hand is simply the “beginning balance” of each VSA-certified organization for this fiscal year—not each organization’s total budget, and certainly not their continuing status as a VSA-certified organization. In other words, NAISA and TBD maintain the tools to reserve campus meeting spaces, the right to access support from VSA staff and the ability to obtain all financial and non-financial resources provided to VSA organizations—for years to come. Definitionally, TBD and NAISA remain funded—and supported.

Now, to address the second question: Why did Ski Team, Equestrian Team and Climbing Club receive “so much” funding? According to the WSC, the answer lies in a concerted, biased effort by the VSA to pad the pockets of these (purportedly) “whiter” and “wealthier” organizations: a situation remedied only by cutting—and redistributing—their beginning balances. In reality, WSC notably failed to mention that I, the outgoing VSA Vice President, was actually the first to raise the issue of potential inequity of funding between these organizations and others. WSC chose not to mention the lengthy debates and discussion held by the members of VSA’s Annual Budgeting team, myself included. And, WSC failed to mention the rationale provided by VSA’s then-incoming Director of Finance, when asked about the topic: The activities offered by these organizations are costly, and require financial aid for most to access.

Indeed, and contrary to WSC’s claims, the VSA provided the balances it did to these organizations to make them more accessible to low-income, not wealthy, students. When the beginning balances of these organizations are reduced, their ability to provide financial aid for ski trips, climbing memberships and riding lessons decreases— rendering their overall membership wealthier and thus, in our U.S. context where wealth is racialized, often whiter. VSA, in other words, prioritized access and equity— while WSC proposed cuts.

Finally, to address questions of transparency: Is VSA’s annual budgeting process the closed-door affair that WSC portrayed it to be? In both WSC’s initial post and later statement, it was continuously peddled that VSA’s process “was conducted in…few days with little transparency.” In reality, the process occurred over the span of two weeks, during which time our finance team repeatedly contacted each of our 170+ organizations. Subsequent meetings of our Annual Budgeting Commission were, actually, open meetings (per VSA’s Bylaws), and our annual budget was ultimately approved by our 30-person Senate at a public meeting— the time and location of which had been widely and routinely posted throughout the year, and the contents of which were live-tweeted by The Miscellany News and recorded on minutes posted to VSA’s website. WSC’s claims were, in other words, fundamentally wrong—misleading, libelous and harmful.

In light of WSC’s petition, many have raised concerns that NAISA and TBD no longer exist; that the VSA has taken away space from Native, Indigenous or trans* students; even that the VSA now desires to remove other gender-inclusive spaces on campus (as some suggested in this year’s Annual Comprehensive Survey). While these concerns are wildly misguided and assume a huge amount of ill intent on the part of the VSA and especially the VSA’s Annual Budgeting Commission (which, I shouldn’t have to mention, included queer and gender non-conforming people), I am most angered by the genuine fear and concern WSC’s actions have inflicted onto the student body. VSA stands with trans*, Native and Indigenous students, has stood with trans*, Native and Indigenous students, and will always stand with trans*, Native and Indigenous students: not only in an abstract form of solidarity, not only in an abstract commitment to advocacy, but also and especially in that VSA itself is often trans*, Native and Indigenous students.

– Joe Mangan ’23, VSA Vice President 2022-2023

The discourse growing surrounding legacy admissions

Soren Fischer Guest Columnist

In the span of a year, the conservative supermajority of the Supreme Court has handed down rulings on some of the most divisive issues in American society, reflecting the impact of the three conservative justices appointed during President Trump’s tenure. The expansion of gun rights, the striking down of what was once considered a constitutional right to abortion and, most recently, the rejection of race consciousness in college admissions have thrown the legitimacy of the Supreme Court of the United States (SCOTUS) into question and further politicized it.

According to Pew Research, a slim majority of the public disapproves of race-conscious college admissions—though partisans express sharply different views along with substantial differences across racial groups. Between Republicans and Republican-leaning independents, 74 percent disapprove of affirmative action. In comparison, 54 percent of Democrats and Democrat-leaning independents approve of this practice in college admissions. Additionally, 47 percent of Black Americans approve of colleges considering race in the admissions process, while 57 percent of white and 52 percent of Asian Americans disapprove. Meanwhile, Hispanic Americans

hold a balanced share at 39 percent approval and disapproval. As can be suggested by these numbers, this is a very dividing issue among the public. In recent months,another controversial issue has shared the spotlight that is also linked to the college admissions process— legacy preferences.

The most prestigious colleges and universities in the United States hold a preference in admitting the wealthiest of students, according to CBS News. By extension, this additionally applies to legacy applicants because according to a recent analysis done by Opportunity Insights, they are more likely to come from wealthy backgrounds—“And legacy students from the richest one percent of families were five times as likely to be admitted.”

Per CBS News, Vassar has one of the highest tuition rates in the nation as of 2019, and yet is also one of the most economically-diverse, elite liberal arts colleges, which is not saying much considering the grand scheme of the wealth gap in higher education. While Vassar may have enrolled 13.5 percent of students coming from the bottom 40 percent, as of a 2017 report from The New York Times, Colorado College enrolled more students from the top one percent (24.2) than from the bottom 60 percent (10.5). Numbers like these show just how top-heavy prestigious institutions are, and how the college experience is

truly limited to a select few.

According to a survey conducted by Inside Higher Ed from 2018, 42 percent of private colleges, and 6 percent of public colleges use legacy admissions. Just a few weeks after the Supreme Court’s ruling this past summer, the focus was further shifted towards other colleges who still continue legacy considerations after Wesleyan, as overviewed by The New York Times, ceased the practice.

Vassar is by no means at the forefront of the legacy admissions issue, as they admitted 5.4 percent legacy students in the Class of 2026, according to the Class of 2026 Profile—a number that is considerably lower than other prestigious institutions such as Harvard, which according to court papers, reports legacy applicants as only five percent of the application pool, but represent 30 percent of those admitted each year. Additionally, Vassar has maintained a commitment to equity through a need-blind financial aid policy and a test-optional policy enacted last semester.

Navigating how legacy consideration harms the college admissions process is important because of how it maintains wealth disparities. The major problem that must be addressed, though, before legacy admissions can be abolished is the social-class and financial inequalities that plague the college experience and our society as a whole, as explained

by the National Library of Medicine. Additionally, social categorizations of gender and race intersecting with class have created different modes of discrimination and privilege.

According to our President Emerita Catharine Bond Hill, “Attention to legacy admissions is justified but missing the point. If legacy admissions are ended, without increased commitments to recruiting, admitting and supporting lower and middle-income students with greater need-based financial aid, the children of Harvard’s graduates will go to Stanford, Stanford’s to Princeton and so on.” Legacy considerations corrupt the admission process and in the long term should be abolished. Legacy applicants who are disproportionately wealthier than the rest of the applicant pool do benefit colleges by enabling them to provide financial aid packages for other students. However, this also means that the legacy admissions process is inextricably linked to the financial considerations of admitting other students. If higher education continues to support being a wealthy legacy applicant as its own qualification in pairing with affirmative action now out of the picture, wealth inequalities will create further socioeconomic divide, alongside a reduction of overall diversity that has grown to be a key characteristic and point of embrace for college culture in the United States.

Student provides 2023-24 fantasy football guide to success

Fallis my favorite season. As summer comes to a close this year and fall rolls around, there is much to look forward to: temperate weather, beautiful colors around campus and my sister’s birthday. But most importantly, fall is fantasy football season (sorry Hannah!). For the next four months, I will be entering my annual couch potato era—spending every single Sunday at my Townhouses watching football and tracking how my fantasy players are doing.

For those unfamiliar, fantasy football is an online game where you assume the role of an NFL general manager. You join an online league and construct a football team roster by drafting and adding real-life NFL players to your squad. After building your team, you and your league-mates’ teams face off every week. Your team’s success depends on the success of your NFL players in real life—anything they do on the field translates to points for you and your team. Whichever team has the most points each week wins.

Fantasy football is pretty much a gambling game. You pick which players you think are going to play well, but there is no guarantee that a player who was good last year will be good again this year. But there is a generally agreed-upon hierarchy of value each player grants to your team, usually based on the position they play. Before each season popular online websites like ESPN and Yahoo provide rankings for players. Today, I am going to be providing my own.

Presenting... Billy’s 2023-24 Fantasy Football Draft Rankings (0.5 Points Per Reception Leagues)

1. Christian McCaffrey

George Kittle said it best: “If Kyle Shanahan [49ers head coach] could build a player in a lab, it would be Christian McCaffrey.” The 49ers offense is built perfectly for CMC and vice versa. Barring injury as always, McCaffrey has both the ability and support around him to be this year’s most valuable fantasy player.

2. Justin Jefferson

Jefferson has broken just about every record possible in his first three years in the league. Last year, he led the league in receptions, receiving yards, yards per game and yards per touch, and he won AP Offensive Player of the Year—all as a 23-year-old. Undeniably a generational talent at the wide receiver position, Jefferson is further primed for fantasy success because of the Vikings’ pass-heavy offense and his established rapport with quarterback Kirk Cousins. The only reason I am not ranking Jefferson at number one is because running backs are typically more valuable than wide receivers as a position.

3. Austin Ekeler

Last year’s top fantasy running back, Ekeler is primed for another electrifying year. Ekeler’s game lends itself perfectly to fantasy—he catches passes, scores touchdowns and produces big, point-earning plays. But the Chargers brought in first round wide receiver Quentin Johnston, and Keenan Allen and Mike Williams are back healthy and are usually top receivers, so Ekeler could stand to lose some pass-catching opportunities. If this happens, Ekeler might not produce as much as fantasy owners are used to and could lose some of his value.

4. Ja’Marr Chase Chase is another young, uber-talented and uber-productive wideout who has been placed in an ideal pass-heavy environment. The Bengals have one of the most prolific passing offenses in the league, and the Burrow-Chase connection is a big reason why. Though he disappointed last season due to injury, Chase is back healthy this year and will be a key player as the Bengals strive to reach another Super Bowl appearance.

5. Tyreek Hill

Tyreek Hill is one of the most gifted players in the league. Even with some question marks surrounding Tua Tagovailoa and the Dolphins’ overall quarterback situation, Hill will still produce as an upper echelon wide receiver in fantasy.

6. Bijan Robinson

It is a bit controversial to rank a rookie this high, but with the combination of Bijan’s talent, the Falcons spending high draft capital on him and their dominant run game last year, it is hard to project Robinson as anything less than a top five fantasy running back.

7. Travis Kelce

Travis Kelce presides in his own stratosphere of fantasy tight ends. Last year, he averaged 5.3 more points per game than TJ Hockenson, the next best fantasy tight-end. As the top receiver in a dynamic Chiefs offense and with an all-time talent in Mahomes throwing to him, only age and injury can stand in the way of Kelce finishing as the best tight end in fantasy once again.

8. Nick Chubb

In my opinion, the best pure running back in football—Nick Chubb—has finally been given the reins to the Browns backfield sans Kareem Hunt. Kevin Stefanski’s run-heavy offense in Cleveland perfectly plays into Chubb’s strengths as a rusher, and with both Deshaun Watson and the offensive line due for a bounce-back year, Chubb will be a top fantasy running back once again.

9. Cooper Kupp

With quarterback Matthew Stafford back healthy and no other established names on a depleted Rams offense, Kupp is poised to have huge volume and a bounce-back year. There are concerns over his age, but Kupp is still an elite talent and is a top five fantasy wide receiver when healthy.

10. Saquon Barkley

Barkley’s resurgence last year fulfilled fantasy owners’ and Giants fans’ dreams, as he finished as the sixth-best running back in fantasy. With marked strides of improvement from Daniel Jones and the Giants as a whole, Barkley will look to continue his success as the premiere offensive weapon he was last year for his G-Men.

11. Stefon Diggs

Stefon Diggs is nothing if not consistent. In the past three years with Josh Allen, he has finished as the third-, seventh- and fourthbest wide receiver respectively. Talent breeds fantasy production for wide receivers, and the Allen-Diggs duo is certainly one of the most talented in the league. Look for Diggs to be a high-end wide receiver once again this year.

12. Ceedee Lamb

Lamb is one of my favorite fantasy players this year. He finally broke out last year as the seventh best wide receiver, and that was

with Dak Prescott missing several games at the beginning of the year. With Prescott under center, Lamb will be a primary focus in this offense. I ranked Lamb at twelfth overall only because the wide receivers ranked ahead of him are more proven, but it would not surprise me at all if he finished as a top three fantasy wide receiver this season.

13. Davante Adams

Adams has dominated the fantasy world for the past three years, finishing as the best, third best, and second best wide receiver the past three years. This year, however, he is paired with the worst quarterback he has had in his career. Jimmy Garoppolo is a below-average NFL starter—trust me, I am a 49ers fan. Adams’ age may begin to catch up with him, but more importantly, his quarterback play will negatively impact his fantasy production for the first time in his career.

14. Tony Pollard

The Cowboys moved on from long-time franchise running back Ezekiel Elliot this off-season, which means Pollard is primed to build off of his career-best season last year. Pollard made his presence felt for the Cowboys last season, finishing as the seventh best running back despite ranking outside the top 25 in touches per game. This year, the backfield is all Pollard’s with no Ezekiel Elliot to steal goal-line touches. As the true feature back in a prolific Cowboys offense, Pollard could very well exceed this projection, just like teammate Ceedee Lamb.

15. Amon-Ra St. Brown St. Brown’s breakout last year powered the Lions’ offensive surge. As a bottom-ofthe-barrel team for the past half-decade, the Lions made waves last year as one of the most dynamic offenses in the league, much of which can be attributed to quarterback Jared Goff and St. Brown’s connection. And St. Brown finished as the eighth best wide receiver last year despite having one of the lowest touchdown-to-reception efficiencies in the league. Touchdown rate is one of the most volatile statistics in football, so look for St. Brown to produce with the same volume but higher touchdown upside this season.

16. Derrick Henry

King Henry, as I like to call him, is a fascinating case. His reign as an elite running back has been questioned for the past two offseasons. Concerns over his unsustainable rushing volume, injuries, age and team situation have all been brought up year after year, and this year is no different. To be fair, they would be valid concerns for your average running back. But Henry is not average. Last year, Henry finished as the fourth best running back despite all these concerns and he is just a couple of seasons removed from his historic 2000-yard rush year. In my opinion, this year will be more of the same. If there is any lesson I have learned from fantasy in recent years, it is to never bet against Derrick Henry.

17. Garrett Wilson

So…the Jets are good now? I am old enough to remember the Mark Sanchez butt-fumble Jets, so it feels a little weird that they are now contenders. Jets fans should be over the moon with the arrival of their savior: franchise quarterback Aaron Rodgers. But nobody should be more excited than Wilson. He managed to produce as a top 20 wide receiver as a rookie last year even with a quarterback carousel of Mike White and Zach Wilson throwing to him. Now, with a more-than-capable starter in Rodgers, look for Wilson to break out in a similar way to how Stefon

Diggs did with Josh Allen back in 2020.

18. AJ Brown

Brown is a certified monster. He has played for two run-heavy teams and has still managed to produce elite fantasy numbers in spite of it. The Eagles’ offense is arguably the best in the league, and will look to continue its high-scoring nature this next season. Though Brown has to compete for targets with other talented pass-catchers in Devonta Smith and Dallas Goedert, he will find a way to produce as always.

19. Jonathan Taylor Taylor is easily the hardest player to rank on this list. On the one hand, Taylor and Colts owner Jim Irsay got into a widely documented feud this off-season which has led to Taylor sitting out from training camp and preseason. On the other hand, Taylor finished as the best running back just two seasons ago. Nobody knows what the future holds for the All-Pro back, but one thing is for certain: he puts up huge fantasy numbers when he plays (and this season, it is IF he plays). An exceptional talent who was given the reins to the Colts’ anemic offense, Taylor is arguably the best all-around back in the league. He is young, explosive and skilled, and though his play situation is messy, he cannot be ranked any lower due to his electrifying talent.

20. Jaylen Waddle

Last year, when Tyreek Hill took his talents to South Beach, many questioned if the Dolphins’ offense could sustain two high-volume wideouts in Hill and Waddle. A year later, the answer to that question has proven to be a resounding yes. Hill and Waddle finished as the third best and seventh best wide receiver respectively, and that was with Tua Tagovailoa out for multiple games. Waddle is still a young developing talent, so barring any more injuries to Tagovailoa, Hill and Waddle can both be trusted as elite fantasy wide receivers once again this year.

And here’s thirty more rankings for you. Consider it a gift from your new favorite fantasy football expert.

21. Josh Jacobs

22. Rhamondre Stevenson

23. Chris Olave

24. Joe Mixon

25. Tee Higgins

26. Devonta Smith

27. Mark Andrews

28. Jalen Hurts

29. Patrick Mahomes

30. Josh Allen

31. Travis Etienne Jr.

32. Najee Harris

33. Kenneth Walker III

34. Breece Hall

35. Aaron Jones

36. Jahmyr Gibbs

37. Miles Sanders

38. Lamar Jackson

39. Keenan Allen

40. Calvin Ridley

41. Amari Cooper

42. Justin Fields

43. TJ Hockenson

44. Joe Burrow

45. Deebo Samuel

46. Cam Akers

47. Christian Watson

48. Justin Herbert

49. Drake London

50. James Conner

Now if you want to get into fantasy football this season, all you have to do is grab a few friends, join a league and draft!

Billy Fan Guest Columnist

The Miscellany Crossword

“Tweet Tweet”

By Sadie Keesbury

ACROSS

1. Action word

5. Simpsons’ bar

9. Network junction points

14. Soothing plant

15. “I’m _____ you!” (“I know what you’re up to”)

16. Alexander Hamilton’s wife

17. Tiny and cute, in internet slang

18. Sturnella (field-amusement)

20. Elevator inventor

22. Eminem song protagonist

23. Wings, in Latin

24. “When will you be here?”

26. Harden, as jello or custard

28. Members of an organized crime group

32. _____ at Delphi

37. Short laugh

38. Alcedinidae (monarch-trawler)

40. Remove, as a flash drive

43. Eel-like fish

44. Answers to charges

45. Geococcyx (street-sprinter)

48. Founded (for short)

49. Make someone a priest

50. Ugly thing

53. Romantic first day of the wk. hashtag 55. Parental palindrome (UK) 56. Captain Hook’s first mate 60. Not first 63. Head supporter 66. Picidae (drums with its beak) 69. Hanukkah money

71. CPAP machine condition, with sleep

72.What to do with a book 73. Brews

74.Contradictory slang contraction

75. Fifth year Hogwarts tests

76. Stair component

57. Instagram's TikTok dupe

DOWN

1. States bordering Maryland and Kentucky, for short

2. Muppet who speaks in the third person

3. The square _____ of four is two

4. Value

6. Washington bills

7. Coup d’_____

8. Sprite, Coke, Fanta, e.g.

9. Not old

10. Cooking pot (Sp.)

11. Call (as a phone number)

12. Koenig of Vampire Weekend

13. Japanese rice wine

19. _____ a kind

21. Consequence of unprotected sex

25. All good

27. Journey

28. Not minor

29. Further forward

30. Stop or Yield, e.g.

31. Stupid

33.Language that uses physical movements (abbr.)

34. Sport that has a flier and a base, for short

35. Rental document

36. Prefix with –while

37. Protagonist

39.Color made by mixing white and black, in the UK

(abbr.)

42. Haircut where only a little is cut

46.Aunt’s husband or parents’ brother

47. Sleep stage where most of your dreams take place (abbr.)

51. What our solar system rotates around

52. Fatty acids found in some fish and nuts

54. Prefix with economics

56. Shift (as when in the wind)

57. Wallow

58. Long times

59. The Garden of _____

61. Change, as poll results

62. Color between blue and green

64. What a Gallic person might call themself, according to Julius Caesar

65. Paul _____ (Swiss-German artist)

67.“Rub your stomach and _____ your head!”

68.Alternative to Sts, Aves and Blvds

5. Parental palindrome (USA)

41. Early educator credential

70. Three make up a tbsp Answers

By Sadie Keesbury

to last week’s puzzle: “Welcome Back, Vassar!”