ROCKERS IN RECOVERY
ALCOHOLISM ACTUALLY HAS A VOICE BY KEITH BAYARD
Early in my recovery, while in the program at O’Brien House, I loved to walk downtown. After a couple weeks, we were allowed to go to the library and use the computers for job searches. Of course, I made time to sit on the levee and watch the river. There is something about water which is very calming to me. It usually serves to put my KEITH BAYARD thoughts in order. I had been sober for a few months. In one of those times by the river, I was assaulted by a nagging thought. I wondered, if I could go back to my old life, would I be trying to get sober?
enough. I had to hang out with sober people and do what they did. I couldn’t fight the fact they were sober and happy. I believed I would never experience happiness again. I was wrong. If you are new and this feels uncomfortable, please hang in there. If you feel awkward, it will pass. There is always something wonderful waiting on the other side of our fears. Dr. Bob said this program never fails, if we put half of the effort into it that we used to put into getting our next drink. This is a strong promise I know to be true. I believe a new, amazing life waits for us on the other side of the twelve steps. If it happened to me, it can happen to you. Please, give yourself a break. You are worth it.
As I said, I was early in recovery, and hadn’t realized the disease of alcoholism actually has a voice. Strangely enough it speaks to me inside my head. I’d always mistakenly assumed these thoughts were mine. My disease is very adept at disguising itself. I started to weigh the possibilities of going back, I started to see only the beautiful parts of my life. I blew the positive parts way out of proportion. I decided my old life was pretty good. I figured I could quit this program, go back to my old life, and stay sober. After all, I had learned a lot about alcoholism. My Higher Power gifted me with moments of clarity, or sanity if you prefer, from the beginning. While hazily dreaming of my old life, reality set in. The people I’d cared about wanted nothing to do with me. I’d lost the catering business because I got so drunk, I had completely messed up a function. My business depended on word of mouth. In reality, my old life no longer existed. There was nothing to go back to. I knew nothing about sobriety in the beginning. As much as my disease kept telling me I could fight it on my own, I finally realized I couldn’t. Wanting to be sober was not MKR Magazine September 2021
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