ROCKERS IN RECOVERY
SPIRITUAL AXIOM BY KEITH BAYARD
This week was a little different. There was this guy, you know the kind, truly obnoxious. Think of someone who makes you crazy, then multiply it by ten. No, really. He has been getting under my skin all week. Yes, I know when I’m disturbed, there is something wrong with me. It’s my least favorite Spiritual axiom. When I first read that in the 12x12, I was positive it was a misprint. I know I’m supposed to do a personal inventory to find out why I’m disturbed, but sometimes I don’t feel like it. I do know this, when I get upset God is showing me something in me which needs healing. However, in this case, I felt justified in my agitation. Sometimes my emotions still take control. All week my love and tolerance were far from being in play. I woke up two days ago paralyzed with fear. It was just like the days when I was deep in depression. The fear was faceless. And it was overwhelming. I have not experienced this kind of fear since I got sober. I immediately started praying. The fear was lifted in an instant. The word “remember” kept running through my head. And then, I did remember. This guy, the one who aggravated me so much, was filled with fear. I was too busy judging to realize it. God sent me someone to help and I missed the opportunity. I realized he was afraid, and he was protecting himself in
the only way he knew how. I know what that feels like. When I’m busy judging, I can’t help. When I’m disturbed, I have no peace to share. I can’t have compassion when I’m angry. When I feel superior, I can’t have empathy. I didn’t recognize the person who needed help the most. It was my problem, not his. I’m a flawed human being. I always will be. My Higher Power is not the one of my childhood. He is not sitting on a cloud with a lightning bolt in His hand, waiting to zap me when I do something wrong. He is my biggest supporter. He smiles, not criticizes, when I fail. He reaches down, dusts me off, and tells me to try again. He lets me know, “this time we will do it together.” What a blessing to know my Higher Power puts me in circumstances where I can learn to love more. To know He will use me to help hurting people, when I’m humble enough to see the opportunity. That if I can ever so slightly deflate my ego I can be, in some small way, a part of His plan. I will continue to stumble along while I attempt to live a Spiritual life. I will try to have faith when I see so little. I will act, even though I am rarely certain of what steps to take. One thing I can do right, is celebrate the sober life I’ve received. I experience the joy of freedom on a daily basis, as only one who has lived in slavery can. And I will laugh, because as Anne Lamott says, “it is carbonated holiness.” PHOTO CREDIT: BECKY BARNETT
MKR Magazine September 2021
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