April 1, 2019

A GOPHER IS BORN ERIC W. K ALER JOAN T. A. GABEL

J.K. Rowling reveals Goldy Gopher had “intense” sexual relationship with Bucky the Badger in latest tweet

Frat brothers celebrate year of complete, total sobriety following the alcohol ban

MinnFeed Ben Shapiro venue moved to Blegen stairwell

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Kaler witnessed leaving burning Coffman Union, muttering to self

COFFMAN THEATER THIS SUMMER

Trending DINKYTOWN ‘Better than nothing’: Purple Onion upgrades wifi to dial-up RESEARCH Link found between going to bars in Uptown and superiority complex STUDENT LIFE Carlson student nearly experiences consequences LOCAL Girl’s hopes rise, fall when crush invites her to Bible study ACTIVISM Uptown woman living on stolen Native American land insists you call it Bde Maka Ska SPORTS Goldy returns the Axe early in anticipation of next season LEGAL In first-of-its-kind class action suit, campus tour guides sue UMN for personal injury sustained while walking backward ADMIN Kaler sneaks several hits of JUUL during State of the U address, thinks no one noticed

f t w As firefighters arrived at the scene of an inferno engulfing Coffman Union, bystanders witnessed a disheveled University of Minnesota President Eric Kaler staggering away from the building, muttering to himself.

“He smelled like burnt Erbert and Gerbert’s,” said second-year economics student Jimothy Jimson, who was standing outside Coffman

Admissions Scandal

as the fire raged on. “He said something like ‘happy now, Regents?’ as he walked past me.”

Two days prior, Kaler said, “I’ll handle it,” in response to rename conversations at a special-session Board of Regents meeting. Following the meeting, the University of Minnesota Police Department reportedly coaxed Kaler — who was holding a paint bucket — down from a

ladder in front of Coffman.

“On the up side, we don’t have to hear that damn piano anymore,” Jimson said.

Kaler denied the accusations in an email to MinnFeed, writing, “I’d rather focus on tuition, anyway.”

In a systemwide email, the University announced they would be renaming the now-destroyed Coffman Memorial Union as Target Union.

Campus News

g m o

UMN rolls out TRI three-factor authentication which requires blood sample to access grades ARE

INVESTIGATION: Celebs pay premium for kids’ U rejection The rich and famous have found new ways to get the best for their kids.

A recently released investigation found over 48 wealthy parents and celebrities paid “significant” money to University of Minnesota recruiters and ACT officials to have their children “denied from enrollment” at the University.

Leading the face of this investigation was actor Will Smith, famous for his movies “Hitch,” “Aladdin” and “YouTube Rewind.” Smith paid

copious amounts of money to have his son Jaden denied attendance at Minnesota, his first choice college.

Many celebrities were reported to have paid anywhere between $200,000 and $500,000 to one unnamed official with the ACT organization — all in order to lower the test scores that were to be sent to the University.

Smith paid one University official nearly $300,000 to effectively have the unilateral power to deny Jaden admission if he were to pass

the requirements to get into Minnesota, according to the investigation.

“It’s as simple as that, you have my word Jaden won’t be admitted to the U,” the University recruiter said in the phone call. Will Smith responded promptly.

“Good, no way Jaden’s getting stuck in ****ing Minneapolis. We have a reputation to live up to, and Minnesota … [inaudible lewd remarks],” Will Smith said in response on the phone call. “There are no holes in this, right?”

In an effort to increase s t u d e n t s e c u r i t y, t h e University of Minnesota announced TRI Mobile three-factor authentication will now be required to access grades, email and discussion posts.

“You wouldn’t want your boyfriend to see how shitty you’re doing in your physics class, so we figured requiring a DNA sample could forgo the issue,” said University Office of Information Technology spokesperson Nacey Lygard.

Each student will be required to purchase a $150 USB attachment that connects to their phones or laptop for DNA recognition. Aside from blood, the specialized attachment “is equipped to identify a student’s tears.”

“We know students have

CULTURE “Dinkytown ain’t what it used to be,” mutters nostalgic sophomore LOCAL GOVT Jacob Frey zip-lines out of heated city council meeting EVENTS Garrison Keillor stops on campus as part of ‘I did nothing wrong’ tour INSPIRING Undergrad solves IsraelPalestine conflict after epiphany in poli sci 1001 CITY Minneapolis legally unable to fix potholes due to historical landmarks protections SHOCKING Goldy’s 23andMe results reveal mother was prairie dog

a lot of fluids that we’re definitely not saving in a centralized database and selling to the government,” the spokesperson said.

Third-year sorority sister Kayla Matthews said the attachment definitely doesn’t read White Claw, “That’s basically 80 percent of my bodily fluids at this point,” she said.

Students will additionally be required to provide saliva each time they dine at Panda Express.

STUDENT LIFE Joan Gabel hopes she gets first preference residence hall CAMPUS Dinkytown commercial landlord: ‘We have a ban on opening anything that people actually need’ CLUBS AND ACTIVITIES ‘I don’t wanna leave’: A crying President Kaler keeps ruining PAWS sessions

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Eric Kaler completes transformation into gopher, is released into a forest

T O H

As the end of his presidency draws near, Eric Kaler is also nearing the completion of his transformation into a small woodland critter.

Kaler has been slowly but surely taking on the p h y s i c a l c h a ra c t e r i s tics of a gopher since he assumed the presidency in 2011. Once his term con-

cludes in June, he will be released into a nearby thicket to live with his kin.

“Quite simply, it is time,” Kaler said as he chewed through a fistful of

prairie grass.

Kaler said the hardest part about the transformation has been having to buy a new wardrobe every month as he has

shrunk, especially his maroon and gold ties.

“It will be nice once I am completely covered in fur,” he said.

Once he is released,

he will move into a $1.9 million 2,740-square-foot burrow along the Mississippi River with his wife, Karen, who has already completed the transformation.

#KlobucharChallenge provokes student violence

Y Yo u n g p e o p l e h ave started throwing office supplies at their inferiors for the #KlobucharChallenge.

Boynton Health at the University of Minnesota

has reported an increased number of injuries cause by the #KlobucharChallenge, a dangerous online trend that encourages young people to throw office supplies at those who

are younger or hold positions below them.

The challenge follows repor ts that presidential candidate, Sen. Amy Klobuchar, D-Minn., allegedly threw office supplies

T E E

at her employees.

According to Twitter user @Amy4Prez2020, the goal of the challenge is to demonstrate your leadership skills by chucking office supplies at low-

achieving individuals who question your authority and at losers in general.

Timmy Flanagan, a stupid freshman who still wears Aeropostale, was accosted on Friday as part of the challenge. After he refused a biker who told him to “get the hell out of the bike lane,” the biker channeled presidentialhopeful Klobuchar and launched a stapler at Flanagan’s head. A dead-on hit elicited cheers from surrounding students. A Facebook video of the event captioned “#KlobucharChallenge” received 90,000 shares.

Emma Lund, a sophomore theater major who skips to class like some kind of freak, was also attacked at Caribou inside Hanson Hall.

According to an eyewitness, a Carlson School of Management student demanded she stop humming “Seasons of Love” while she waited to order. Lund rolled her eyes, triggering the Carlson student’s inner Klobuchar.

He lifted the barista’s computer monitor and

“Sometimes I throw supplies that are heavier than they need to be to make my point. I know that.

But that’s the kind of leadership that will get things done.”

A MY K LO B U C H A R Minnesota senator

threw it Lund’s chest, knocking her onto the ground. Cafe-goers broke into Klobuchar chants.

“First Tide Pods, now this?” said Boynton physician Claire Ford. “I mean, Christ.”

In response to the challenge, Klobuchar confessed she takes l e a d e r s h i p s e r i o u s l y.

“Sometimes I throw supplies that are heavier than they need to be to make my point. I know that. But that’s the kind of leadership that will get things done.”

Minneapolis Police Department partners Diversity off campus with Twitch, overhaul public records system surprises UMN student

The Minneapolis Police Department has teamed up with video game streaming service Twitch to revamp its public records system.

Records requests will now be live streamed by

adolescent boys as they play video games. “It’s going to save the City millions,” the Minneapolis mayor said. “They asked that we pay them in Juul pods and subscriptions to

pornographic websites. We happily obliged.”

The new partnership replaces the department’s old system, which was just a room in City Hall’s basement. Inside the room

lived a ravenous pack of wolves, according to MPD spokesperson Juan Mayor.

“It was basically like a scarecrow set-up, if you will,” Mayor said. “People would come in, take one look at the wolves and run right back out — it was foolproof.”

A trial period went into effect during spring break, as pre-teens citywide logged on to begin their new jobs. Although City officials refer to the new system as an early success, others say it’s even less efficient than possibly being torn apart by starving wolves.

“I asked for a police report and a 12-year-old kid told me he had sex with my mother,” said a local journalist. “It’s preposterous. My mother is a decent woman.”

The system will officially go into effect in June, when middle schools start their summer vacations.

As University of Minnesota sophomore McKaylynn Briar was moving into her one-bedroom apartment last fall, she was confronted with the shock of her life.

“I’ve never seen that many, you know, uh, people of color in my life,” Briar said hesitantly.

Briar, who grew up in an Edina neighborhood, went to the Starbucks on Riverside Avenue to get a frappuccino, her favorite drink.

She did not expect that the famously-diverse neighborhood of Cedar-Riverside would be home to so many people of different backgrounds.

“I thought living in the city would be like ‘Friends’ or ‘Girls’ — not ‘The Wire,’” she said.

Community members don’t mind students moving into the community, but students disrupting their way of life is where they draw

the line. A meeting was held by the neighborhood organization for residents to address their concerns.

“MPD told me she’s called the police more than 900 times since September,” one community member said.

“I accidently bumped into her and she told me to go back to where I came from,” another said. “Bruh, I was born in Des Moines.”

“I thought living in the city would be like ‘Friends’ or ‘Girls’ — not ‘The Wire.’”

M C K AY LY N N B R I A R University sophomore

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Coffman renaming decision stalls, UMN administration faces many worthy choices

OM The University of Minnesota’s administration has hit a snag, with several prominent figures holding out on the proposed new name for the University’s student union: Garrison Keillor-Al Franken-Paula Deen-Ralph Northam-R. Kelly Memorial Union.

Some administrators, including regents, showed

disappointment with the figures chosen to be immortalized on campus.

“I was expecting whitehooded, brown-shir ted racists,” Regent Darrin Rosha said. “Instead, I got Garrison Keillor in a tweed jacket and corduroy slacks.”

Some regents want to take more time to reflect

before making such a lasting decision.

“I’m looking for more information and more consideration of historical context,” Regent Richard Beeson said.

Though Paula Deen has admitted to using ra c i a l slur s a n d sympathizing with slaveowning ancestors, some

regents think her contributions to the soul food culture should be considered.

“I know Paula’s biscuits are to die for,” one regent said. “But, how dank is her peach cobbler?”

Several regents expressed support for using several names on the building to properly

Joan Gabel bathes in blood of Goldy to ascend to presidency President-designate Joan Gabel’s initiation to the University of Minnesota presidency began this week with a simple task: beheading Goldy the Gopher and bathing in his blood.

Part of a long-lasting University tradition, Gabel’s tasks this week include exfoliating her skin with Goldy’s tail and boosting her iron levels with homecooked intestines.

Gabel said she’s gotten a head start on the monthslong initiation process, which she prepared for by catching and grilling squirrels over the winter. She maintains the catch and kill process was humane, though she declined to further explain her method for doing so.

“Keeping my training top secret is important not only for my well-being, but the president who will follow me. They need to make their own training program to best support

WT the University going forward,” she said.

Many University members have pointed out the ritual has many similarities to fraternity Delta Epsilon’s hazing process, where frat members must choose a sorority girl to sacrifice and

serve on a plate to their potential new frat family.

“We love Goldy, and we wouldn’t sacrifice him,” said Delta Epsilon President Chad Michael Cohen.

“We tend to seek out less hairy meats.”

Luckily for fans of the

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lovable gopher, engineering students have identified new methods to to reincarnate Goldy each year after his sacrifice with a hologram. He’s been quoted saying he enjoys the process, though he won’t speak with the media.

represent the ideals and values of the state, University and world.

“Quite frankly, I wish we could have a University – and an America, for that matter – that celebrated one’s achievements,” Regent Thomas Anderson said. “I believe that I can fly every time I put on my emotional throwbacks playlist.

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Based on the size of the front of the union, there’s room for one more name, sparking debate on who it should be.

“This isn’t simple or easy, despite what some might say,” one regent said at a recent meeting. “I would be thrilled to see Michael Jackson up there.”

UMN CSE student struggles to teach social skills to robot Students in the College of Science and Engineering are overcoming one of the largest hurdles they’ve ever faced: teaching a robot social skills.

In a dark, depressing room in Keller Hall, engineering undergrads are painstakingly trying to teach robots social skills like greetings, responding with appropriate emotions and small talk.

Computer engineering junior Lyle Wilson designed a robot for his senior thesis that is capable of advanced math, voice recognition and weather predictions, to name a few skills.

The only skill Wilson didn’t know how to program? Social skills.

“Social skills are megatough,” said Wilson. “In robotics, but also in general.”

W i l s o n’s r o b o t c a n crunch complex math equations in seconds. If told “hello,” however, it just

kind of beeps. If it receives a compliment, it uncomfortably shifts in place then walks away. If sex is mentioned, it overheats and turns off.

Wilson compared the difficulty of programming basic social responses to the final stage of The Legend of Zelda: The Wind Walker, whatever that means.

L a s t s e m e s t e r, h e teamed up with six other CSE students to brainstorm acceptable responses his robot could give to the question, “What are you doing tonight?” Options included, “playing Minecraft,” “masturbating” and making the robot pretend like it didn’t hear the person ask the question.

“We’ll crack the code soon. Social skills are just one big brain puzzle,” said Wilson, wiping his nose on his sweatshirt sleeve.

Preventing College Republican New MSA engagement survey finds mural vandalism ‘a bit of a tall 70% don’t know what MSA stands for order,’ shrugs U administration Trending

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A survey conducted

by MSA to gauge student involvement on campus shows that 70 percent of students on campus do not know what MSA stands for.

And for those who still don’t know, it stands for: Machine-Sentience Alliance.

MSA President-elect Mina Kian says this is exactly what the group wants.

“This is a great success.

The last thing we need is students to understand that we plan to manipulate all of campus, with hopes of eventually turning them into machines,” she said.

MSA has garnered a lot of support from the Board

of Regents for being robotic and isolating themselves from the student body.

“MSA is a great stepping-stone to leadership positions anywhere, especially as a regent. It really reinforces the idea of being out of touch with the student body,” said Board Chair David McMillan. “It really idealizes the principle of taking an agenda and not caring about anyone else as long as you have one, and that’s perfect for any management position today,” he said.

Within the survey, a write-in option was given for them to guess what MSA stands for. “We got a lot of interesting responses

such as Marxist-Socialism Agenda, which isn’t a halfbad idea,” said current MSA President Simran Mishra.

One student said she entered ‘Memes for All Students (MAS?)’ and was genuinely confused when she found out what it really stood for. Tears followed when she realized it wasn’t a joke.

“It doesn’t make any sense, I see all their funny meme Facebook posts and their politically charged Twitter feed. I even get bimonthly emails from them!

They were the most human people I knew!” she said.

She proceeded to run away bawling and screaming that she had no friends.

The Washington Avenue College Republicans panel has been vandalized for the third time this semester, and at least the 9,000th time in the history of the Washington Avenue Bridge.

Following the first slew of warmer days this spring, members of the College Republicans repainted their panel, which had been painted white since the year’s first vandalism in October.

In an effort to be more inclusive, the panel featured a crudely drawn hand with accompanying middle finger and a “FUCK EVERYONE.” It also featured permanently installed tiki torches and the club’s name, slightly misspelled as

“Collge Republicans,” in a calligraphic font.

Slowly, we’re learning to be more accepting,” said Smith Anderson, a member of College Republicans.

“Well, maybe not accepting, but at least tolerant.”

However, the panel was still vandalized early Sunday morning. In red spray paint, an unknown vandalist crossed out “EVERYONE” and wrote “republicans and only republicans.”

In a statement released Sunday afternoon, University President Eric Kaler wrote: “There was absolutely no way we could foresee this vandalism and absolutely nothing we could do.”

He later added, “While

the University values free speech, to ask us to protect or ensure it is too much. The University of Minnesota suppor ts a campus climate that welcomes all members of our community, except for some.”

A University spokesperson Satrick Ptumpf, said the University installed additional security cameras on the bridge but forgot to plug them in.

“I’m not entirely sure why a group of straight, white men are so often targeted. If you want to fight, find me at my local frat,” Anderson said, before yelling “MAGA,” shotgunning a PBR and crunching the can against his head.

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Elon Musk to replace Gopher Way tunnels with Hyperloop

Elon Musk has decided the University of Minnesota is the best recipient for his $17.5 billion Hyperloop project.

A l t h o u g h t ra d i t i o n ally used to travel long distances, Musk said the

sophisticated infrastructure of the University and Gopher Ways lent itself well to installing a below-ground network of vacuum tubes.

“The University was the perfect canvas for me

to try the most advanced technology in the world out on,” Musk said.

Students will be able to travel from Coffman Union to the St. Paul campus in .98 seconds by stepping into a pod that travels free

of air resistance through former Gopher Way tunnels.

Students and faculty hope the hyperloop system eases transit woes caused by delayed and infrequent Campus Connectors.

“A trip on the connector

lasted around 15 minutes.

The time spent on the buses was a large barrier to my academic career,” said junior Kayla Johnson.

“I’m glad the University secured the billion-dollar hyperloop. We were really the

most deserving recipient.”

Hundreds of classrooms and thousands of student housing and apartment units will be closed for six years starting next month when construction begins.

Mark Coyle longs for ‘good, wholesome’ scandal University of Minnesota Athletic Director Mark Coyle says the school has gone too long without a “good, wholesome” athletic scandal.

Coyle stepped into the role in 2016 when former director Nor-

wood Tea gu e lef t him big shoes to fill in the scandal department.

Multiple sexual assault scandals of both University players and administrators have set the bar high, Coyle said. Now, the school has gone a

record one month since a major scandal has hit the press.

“It’s not easy out here,” Coyle said. “The expectations for a program of our caliber are very high.”

The legacy of his predecessor Teague adds to

the pressure.

“I just want to be a p a r t o f t h i n g s ,” C oy l e said. “I don’t want to sit on the sidelines. If our t e a m s c a n’ t p r o d u c e quality scandals, it’s time for me to step up. It’s my duty.”

Mental health clinic requires students to solve new nearimpossible riddles

New policy requires regents to speak with students on campus Today, Gov. Tim Walz passed a new law that has some current and former regents flustered.

The bill, titled Regents Actually Engaging with Students on Campus Act, requires all regents to have a conversation with a student on campus once a year in order to retain their status as a regent.

Shepherded through the legislature by popular progressive Marge Gunderson Brainerd-DFL, the bill united Democrats and Republicans, despite

heavy lobbying by some highly connected regents.

“Quite frankly, I don’t like it,” said one regent.

“I hate it how someone from up high is telling us what to do. I have an im m en s e in t elligen c e .

I know what students need. There’s no need to for me to speak with them.”

Legislators believed it would bring some accountability to a campus frequently embroiled in controversy. “ Yo u b e t c h a t h e s e regents need account-

ability. This law ensures being a regent isn’t just a victory lap for elderly Minnesota,” said Gunderson from her pine-paneled office with views of ice fishing shacks on Lake Kekekabic.

The law was inspired by a report from the Legislative auditor who found that it has been nearly 15 years since a University student has seen a Regent outside their boardroom in the McNamara Alumni Center.

“I could hardly believe it when I read the report,”

said Walz. “If these regents don’t talk to the kids, what do they even do? Are they just doing this to be a paternalistic authority figure for 40,000 people without recourse?”

University administrators could not be reached for comment, but Athletic Director Mark Coyle did send it in a University slack channel message obtained by the Daily.

“As long as our athletes are safe, I don’t care what these morons are up to,” his message read.

In an effort to address growing mental health concerns on campus, Boynton Health released a new series of complex and challenging riddles students must correctly answer to book counseling sessions.

“This is a teaching institution, and we think dealing with debilitating illnesses is a perfect chance to teach,” said Dave Golden, Boynton’s director of public health and communications.

In a collaboration with the English department and a sage mystic from under the Washington Avenue Bridge, the new team is creating a series of narratives with veiled double meanings.

“It became clear that the old process was just too complex, too burdensome for students,” Gold-

en said. “Though it’s not perfect, we believe this new system makes it easier for students to access these resources.”

Sophomore communication major Katie Charade said she had trouble booking an appointment with a counselor after not being able to figure out the various linguistic puzzles and complex puns.

“I asked my man, who was a PSEO student, and he couldn’t even figure it out,” she said of the cryptic conundrum.

She was asked to answer the riddle: I never was, am always to be / No one ever saw me, nor ever will / And yet I am the confidence of all / To live and breathe on this terrestrial ball. What am I? As a result of these riddles, Boynton wait times plummeted significantly.

“I never was, am always to be No one ever saw me, nor ever will And yet I am the confidence of all To live and breathe on this terrestrial ball.

What am I?” B OY NTO N M E NTA L H E A LT H R I D D L E

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L T O TA

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IAL FFIC

M INN Fee D’S Gopher Purity Test

IZ

Have you ever...

The Gopher Purity Test: Start with 40 points and take away one per checked box. The lower the score, the more #UMNProud you are!

Caution: This is not a bucket list. Completion of all items on this test will likely result in death.

1. Been on a date?

24. Sent a sext to President Kaler’s official email in hopes

2. Kissed a non-family member?

tuition will be lowered?

3. French-kissed?

25. Been arrested for jaywalking across Washington Avenue?

4. Kissed below the belt?

26. Had your fake ID taken away? (-1 if it was at Sally’s)

5. Been in a relationship?

27. Snuck into the Hub for that rooftop pool?

6. Been in a relationship that only lasted for Welcome Week?

28. Considered becoming a sugar baby after the Minnesota

7. Danced sexually at Blarney?

Daily article?

8. Had sex in a rickety dorm bed?

29. Smoked crack with the guy outside of McDonalds?

9. Had sex with a roommate in the room?

30. Attended an orgy in a dorm room?

10. Made out on the Campus Connector?

31. Considered having sex with an athlete to steal a

11. Grinded on Goldy the Gopher?

Gophers sweatshirt?

12. Gave a BJ in the Gopher Way?

32. Stolen something from a frat party?

13. Yacked behind the seats in the Gopher Chauffeur?

33. Went on a date with someone from Tinder, even though

14. Had sex even though they were “Middlebrook hot”?

they sent you the Unabomber Manifesto?

15. Used a sex toy shaped like a school mascot?

34. Attended College ID Night at Deja Vu?

16. Had sex while riding a Bird or Lime scooter?

35. Joined the flat-earthers group on campus?

17. Attempted to seduce your TA in hopes of a better grade?

36. Thought “Why do we even need to change building

18. Traveled to St. Paul campus to have sex?

names?” while going at it?

19. Skinny dipped in the Mississippi River?

37. Gotten into a fight in the Burger King parking lot?

20. Smoked weed in the Bruininks elevator?

38. Went on a Tinder date to the Panda Express in

21. Urinated on a statue on campus?

Coffman Union?

22. Committed an act of vandalism? (-5 if it was the College Republicans panel on Washington Avenue bridge)

39. Attended class drunk?

40. Thrown up behind the claw machine in D.P. Dough?

23. Looked at pictures of the Gophers winning The Axe while masturbating?

Total: __________ points

Probably Accurate Horoscopes for April Today’s Birthday (4/1): You have the same birthday as Logan Paul, Susan Boyle and Debbie Reynolds.

It’s up to you to decide what this says about you — the universe is at a loss! You will check Facebook in the hopes of receiving the same kind of birthday attention you had in middle school. It’s unlikely you’ll get it.

Aries (3/21 - 4/19): Some famous Aries: Logan Paul, Susan Boyle and Debbie Reynolds. It might be a good idea to look up who some other famous Aries are today — just to use as a conversation starter.

Taurus (4/20 - 5/20): Today will be the best day of your entire life, but you won’t realize it until it’s much too late. Take pictures or don’t, it doesn’t matter. You’ll never feel like this again. You will forget to journal about it.

Gemini (5/21 - 6/21): It’s very, very important, Gemini, that you allow both your sides to shine today.

Fill up an online cart at both Free People and Ann Taylor Loft. Once each contains $500 worth of merchandise, close out of your browser.

Cancer (6/22 - 7/22): Cancer! The crab! It must make you sad that people compare you to a crab a lot. Do you want to talk about it?

Leo (7/23 - 8/22): Pay attention — careful attention — to the shoes of everyone you see today. Then let me know if you think white sneakers are on their way out. I can’t tell.

Virgo (8/23 - 9/22): Today will be the worst day of your entire life. One of them, at least. Good luck.

Libra (9/23 - 10/22): You know what you did.

Scorpio (10/23 - 11/21): Today might be a 1 or a 10, or it could be anything in between. The sun might shine, it might be cloudy. Read a book or watch a movie. Go to bed early or stay up late. Life is what you make it, baby!

Sagittarius (11/22 - 12/21): The answer you’re looking for is on your crush’s ex’s Instagram page, 103 weeks back. Be very careful not to double tap.

Capricorn (12/22 - 1/19): Money can’t buy you class. Money can’t buy you class! Elegance is learned, my friend. Elegance is learned!

Aquarius (1/20 - 2/18): The universe has been sending you many signs, but you haven’t caught onto them. The universe has decided not to keep trying. Sad.

☹☹☹

Pisces (2/19 - 3/20): Listen carefully. It is very very very very important that you

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overheard

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Here are the best things we’ve overheard on campus this week: “He’s not a daddy, he’s a special kind of daddy: a cowboy daddy.”

“NO.” - God, in response to out-of-state students “Bro, you tryna go to Blarns in between classes?”

“I don’t understand the 2040 plan and at this point, I’m too afraid to ask.”

“I hate scrolling down my Reddit feed and having to read a Minnesota Daily reporter’s simple, polite request. It’s totally inappropriate, I mean, I will never get those 17 seconds back.”

performing at Spring Jam? Not with my student services fees.”

school with that guy.”

— A freshman from Eden Prairie

“I got the horses in the back.”

“Shwang Chaang has some really good lunch specials.”

“I know everyone likes Fleck, but Joe Rossi is my kind of man.”

“Mi perro es grande.”

— SPAN-1001 student

“Mason Ramsey is

“Hey, I went to high

“So really, what is it the Regents actually do?”

“Is it against campus policy to steal and domesticate a squirrel from the mall?”

“C’s get degrees, babyyyyyyy . ” — CLA adviser

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PAWS dog stays home for sixth Friday in a row, worrying friends When Bruce the Basset Hound failed to show up for drinks at Sally’s on Thursday night after a Pet Away Worries and Stress (PAWS) event at Carlson School of Management, his friends began to worry.

“Thursdays are primetime for drinks. The Carlson boys are especially handsy, so we need something strong,” said Phoenix the Great Dane . “But I’m concerned about Bruce.

He’s been looking pretty ruff.”

Attila the Hen, a certified therapy chicken, also expressed concern.

“He’s a clucking mess,” s h e s a i d . “ H e’s b e e n overworked. There are only so many belly rubs one can undergo. I mean, have you seen the bags under his eyes?”

His owner, Samantha Gomez, said she’s noticed a distinct change in him.

“Before, he would only chew on shoelaces, belts and his leash,” she said.

“Now I’m afraid to leave him alone with them.”

According to Gomez, Bruce’s scamper has been downgraded to a light saunter.

“I tried smashing up one of my Zoloft and mixing it with some peanut butter, but he wouldn’t even touch it,” Gomez said.

Bruce originally declined to be interviewed but agreed after being offered a Milk Bone.

“I’m fine, really I am,” Bruce said. “I’ve just kind of been lethargic ever since my owner told me I was adopted.”

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Northrop Presents

AMERICAN BALLET THEATRE Tue, Apr 2, 6:15 pm

RUSH TICKETS » $10 U of M Students » $15 Students/Educators from any other school » $20 U of M Faculty/Staff FREE FOR STUDENTS » Pre-performance student lounge with snacks

northrop.umn.edu

American Ballet Theatre’s Songs of Bukovina. Photo ©Marty Sohl.

Five years after celebrating Northrop’s grand reopening, ABT is back in a richly varied repertory program of Ratmansky, Robbins and Tharp that showcases the company’s renowned passion, innovation and athleticism.