Ask Mama Bali: why did he ghost me?

Hi Mama Bali, what do I do if someone “ghosted” me? Do I just say nothing? Or do I ask why and hopefully get some answers?

Ladies, when we’re driving down the road and men shout “ hello! ” from the side of the road, what do we do? Do we skirt to a stop, and ask them why they shouted? No. We just keep driving and roll our eyes at their lack of maturity (and creativity!).

Sayang, if someone has ghosted you, I want you to picture this: me, your Mama Bali, in my best kabaya, in the middle of the road with a whistle and an orange glow stick, waving at you to TERUS, TERUS, TERUS!

Just keep on driving. There are better matches waiting for you down the road, trust me (though not down Raya Canggustay away from there!).

If you had a few interactions before the crime (ghosting) took place – say, a couple of beach walks and a Black Sand happy hour – then frankly, I’d like to remind you that you don’t know this man from KETUT and you can wish him an Om Swastiyastu, pick yourself up by your Bandung Collection “birkenstocks,” and move on. Terimakasih, next!

If, however, you were more involved, then it can be more difficult to TERUS, TERUS, TERUS. Best we don’t sweep away those tough feelings like fallen frangipanes. It’s completely normal to feel rejected, disappointed, hurt, and confused in the aftermath of this deeply unkind and malas dating crime.

Oh and another normal response? Going into full-on detective mode (and of course, getting your entire girl gang in on the investigation too). I know you’re looking for clues in every Whatsapp message, and dissecting every past interaction for any sign of something off. It’s ok to want answers and “closure” from them. But please, stop drafting up paragraphs in your iPhone notes for a second and hear me out.

Let’s look objectively, cause Mama Bali needs to get this straight: You want the person who didn’t have the emotional

If you really need a reason why they ghosted you, by all means, allow your Mama Bali to explain.

Ghosting is its own form of communication. It is a symptom of their emotional unavailability. The ghoster is telling you everything you need to know: “I do not have capacity to be in relationship with you.” And I urge you to take this as a sign of their limitations, because it’s got nothing to do with you.

It tends to be anxiously-attached folks who suffer most when on the receiving end of ghosting (hence, the spinning out and holding an investigation). Avoidant types are more likely to use ghosting as a coping mechanism. It’s also worth it to mention that those struggling with mental health issues, like anxiety or depression, are also more likely to ghost.

Fixer-uppers, I see you fidgeting right now. Do not, I repeat, do not take ghosting as a challenge to kick your savior complex into gear.

Seriously, ask yourself, is it worth your time to chase this person down? Or are you secretly pining for an opportunity to weasel your way back into their life like the little luwak that you are? Are you going to be your best self as you jump through hoops to please this person and make them “sure” about you?

Here is Mama Bali’s most stern warning:

If you put your energy into someone that does not want you back, or into some “situationship” that is clearly not flowing, then you will drain your own energy and you will kill your self-esteem.

Prove your worth to yourself and to ahem… the Universe (ok, my kin in Ubud made me say this… but I kind of agree).

TERUS, TERUS, TERUS!

Be busy, be obsessed with your own growth, and be on your own mission. Then you will be 100% YOU, a total catch! And when an emotionally unavailable ghoul drops you like the piece of hot gorengan that you are, trust me, you’ll barely even notice.

And if you’ve done all the cord-cutting ceremonies, if you’ve written and burned letters, and cleansed your chakras from head to toe, and you still feel tempted to fire off paragraphs about how disappointed you are, then ask yourself this. Is there a real chance you’re going to be checking your phone constantly, all-consumed and hanging out for their reply?

Last time I’ll say it, TERUS, TERUS, TERUS!

P.S. I came across a recent study that said 70% of adults have been ghosted and I reckon in Bali that number is more around 90%. I’d go even further to say that based on that statistic, you’ve ghosted someone too.

And do tell me, do you perpetuate unto others what you don’t want done to you? Are you always honest and good at rejecting someone? I’d like to leave you with this call to action: let’s all do better and be more compassionate in the dating process, and push through that awkward conversation… for your peace and theirs.

“Sampai jumpa, until next time. Mama Bali’s out!”

As always for your head and heart problems I am joined by our resident psychologist Dr Anastasia Sitka. You can find her gentle power alpha mama wisdom on IG: @drsitka

Got a question for Mama Bali? Submit to: modernwomenbali@gmail.com