Washing your eyes with razors.

Laughing matters.

Washing your eyes with razors.

by Ibu Skit

A hot lesbian I’ve known for a year in Ubud wants me to do a motorcycle trip with her in Thailand. She says I don’t need to get the necessary foreign licence. She’ll rent the bike and do all the driving. All I have to do is show up.

With lockdown followed by a visa that didn’t require me to leave this island for two years, I might be complacent in my Bali routine. I’m getting irritated by things that used to make me feel lucky. In Indonesian there’s a saying for the need for fresh perspectives: cuci mata. Literally, to clean your eyes.

She wants to meet up in Phuket. I always fancy an opportunity for Thai street food, but I’m not sold. Why leave Bali to go to another holiday island I’m assuming is also crowded? She amps-up the convincing. Names all the bridges from Phuket to the mainland we can take on our adventure. I want to like this idea, yet there’s a strong resistance in my body about going.

Mentally, I berate myself. A motorcycle trip with a like-minded chick? Come on. Spontaneously responding to the road is how I love to travel too. I don’t know when I’ll have the next chance to do something like this with a friend.

At the Phuket airport I get a local sim card and find a taxi-van mere minutes before departure. The only seat left is next to luggage piled precariously up to my neck. But the claustrophobia I fight for seventy plus minutes is mostly caused by what’s outside this vehicle. It’s overwhelming.

Hotels, malls, nightclubs, bars, massage parlors, tchotchke stalls, cannabis stores et al are sandwiched on the sidewalks with no space to breathe. More cement buildings colonize anything green, endlessly stacked up the hills to their peaks. It’s south Bali in a sugar bowl. Thank the gods we’re not staying.

As the last person dropped off, I may have already seen the worst of it here. Then I notice my friend, pulling up on the motorcycle she’s rented for our road trip. I laugh, thinking I’m being punked.

To call this scooter small is an understatement. Not only is it pinker than something Barbie would drive, it could have been made by toy manufacturer, Fischer Price. I’ve seen sewing machines with more power. Could two people even make it up a hill on this thing? How would we get out of Patong? I imagined exploring, vibrating behind this lesbian at top speed, spitting her long hair as it whipped across my teeth. This not my dyke on bike fantasy!

No. Picking me up on this ‘motorcycle’ is not a hilarious, practical joke. I’m so confused, I barely have the strength to sling on my backpack and slide onto her junior Scoopy. Under my ass, the seat feels like a thong.

It gets worse.

With salt seemingly saved for the wound, most of the street fare here is tasteless. In my experience, bad Thai food in Thailand is rare. Not in this tourist trap. Could the recent legalization of ganja be a culprit? There’s an unsustainable glut of multiple cannabis shops on every block. Not that I don’t enjoy a little smoke, but if everyone in this town is stoned, and eating with the munchies, could that explain the paltry demand for better food?

Fortunately, not far, there’s a cleaner beach. I’m thrilled to finally want to get in the ocean. Within a few strokes of a much-needed swim, something encases my arm. It stings a bit. Like molten lava. Screaming, I run out of the water and dash for a bush. A guy from beach patrol catches me mid-contortion, desperately trying to pee on the burn. He smiles and hands me some vinegar.

Seasoned travelers hone certain instincts we come to rely on. Something in my gut tried to warn me about this trip. The body doesn’t lie. There’s no agenda. I so wanted to believe that this woman and I were on the same page, I mistakenly chose to ignore it.

With fresh eyes, I’m grateful to return to the home I’ve made in Bali. Perhaps beyond a change of scenery, I needed a reminder to trust the body’s wisdom. Looking down at my arm, the ghostly tattoo from a sea creature’s toxic tentacles is no longer visible, but I suspect this cuci mata may permanently scar.