Hello and welcome to "No-one'space" where you and I have a mutual, relatable space where we can share and discuss our stories together. Today, I will talk about something unusual … “men”. There’s a huge part of the male narrative that’s not told. I know it doesn’t seem that way, but men in the middle-east are struggling a lot to thrive and survive. Of course, I’m not speaking for the sex offenders, hijackers, harassers, pedophiles, rapists, fanatics, or domestic abusers. Wow, that was a very long list, I kind of understand why they call us “trash” now. But seriously, I don’t consider these as men or as human, to begin with, so these are out. Also, I’m not speaking for those who are just Like Ahmed El-Saka from Taymor and Shafika, or like Sean Connery from The James Bond movies. These “Alpha Men” who beat five other devilish dudes at breakfast, save the hot girl, and take her for a ride on his bike, and eventually live happily ever after. And yes, it’s not practical. His hand will probably be twitching after throwing so many bunches, and that is not good while riding a bike. Also, he will be probably bleeding and should go to a hospital or something. But that’s the point; they just get away with it somehow. I’m not speaking for these men too because A) they don’t exist B) go back to A). I’m rather speaking of real men. Real, nice, and decent men who are suffering so much in this utter nonsensical world. So without further ado, here are 8 reasons why you don’t want to be a middle-eastern male.
1. Vulnerability and openness: Since I was a kid I was struck with the “Be a man” punch. It’s a metaphorical punch, not a literal punch, not yet. The literal ones are coming later, don’t worry. Anyway, this punch made me think, what’s a man?! And the answer wasn’t good at all. As a man, you’re not allowed to be vulnerable because that translates to weakness in the “Beard dictionary”. You’re not expected to express your feelings, cry, or break. You just smile and say welcome just like a flight attendant, except you’ll be doing that for the rest of your life not just for the job. And guess who was shy, silent, and sensitive as a child? Yes, me, I had every trait that is not “Manly”. I’ve struggled since childhood with the fear of not being man enough. I was always insecure about my manly traits because I was just a little bit shy and sensitive. Also, I couldn’t share this with anyone because you just can’t express your feelings and emotions, then you will be less of a man. So I ended up alone most of my time. “Be a man” “Get yourself together” “Man up”. These are just examples of the responses you’ll get when you’re trying to be vulnerable or open up. Men are supposed to be always pulled together, hold their tears, suck it up and go on. It’s sad and stressful to live up to this. Imagine the stress, the shame, and the disappointment of being born as a misfit from this mold. Men are humans, they have emotions and feelings. They cry when it feels like it and they break when they lose something precious. We have been taught the wrong traits. Vulnerability isn’t weakness, vulnerability is courageous. Openness is human, and we are humans. It’s okay to break out from that mold. It’s okay to be whoever the man you aspire to be. It’s okay to have vulnerable moments. But just don’t waste your life trying to meet something you’re never meant to meet.
2. Oppressive and judgmental society: Now, you grew up a little to become a young man. From this phase forward, things get more stressful as the mold gets larger in details but tighter in size. The mold now covers all your life aspects; social, financial, Self, behavioral, physical, mental, and spiritual. Now, every decision you take is entitled to success, with no chance of failure. How could you do that? I will tell you… you play it safe. You do what your dad did, or someone’s dad did, follow their steps, with no consideration of your interests, personality, or the difference between you and them. The son of a Policeman is a Policeman; the son of an Engineer is an Engineer; the doctor’s son is a doctor, etc. This concept is not just in the career decision but in every life decision you could take. You should live up to the expectations of your parents, family, neighbors, street pedestrians, and the supermarket vendor next door. Who will probably tell your parents you’re smoking cigarettes even though you told him not to. You’re judged because a man should behave in a certain way, talk in a certain way, walk a certain way, look a certain way, and act in a certain way. Only in the middle-east, you’ll get these council meetings to take your decisions, YOUR OWN LIFE DECISIONS! And when you get older they don’t stop. They start to deliver the expectations with these annoying passive-aggressive questions. What major did you choose? Did you get a job? Where’s your wife? How about your kids? What kindergarten did they go to? What school did they go to? What is their major? Did they get a job? Are they married? How about their kids? And it goes on. I can feel anxiety crawling inside my skin writing this. That because our culture is success-oriented. They want to cheer you when you succeed, but they don’t want the burden of your failure. So go hide because that what a failure should do. And don’t show up unless you succeed. For whoever struggling through a time like this, I feel you, man. And know that it’s okay to fail. It’s the very first step to success. Don’t be afraid of not meeting society's expectations. Live up only for your own expectations, and good luck. 3. Violence, physical harm, and bullying: Remember when I told you the literal punches are coming later. Welcome to later! I’ve been on both sides of a violent act. Once as the attacker and several times as the victim. It started when I was little. I was in one of the Arabian Gulf countries. Which, its name shall remain untold because I don’t want people to get the wrong idea about the country. So anyway, when I was in Kuwait as a little boy going to school, I’ve been assaulted both verbally and physically. And I was not a problematic kid. I had just a different color, and different tongue and these were enough to intimidate the natives to hit me, insult my culture and my country, throw trash on me, and calling me names. And I wasn’t good at getting physical or in a physical conflict, but I didn’t run too, so I took some good beating. That was the case with every Egyptian kid in the schools of Kuwait. It was a racial war in there. So I got older and now I learned to defend myself verbally. Unfortunately, not just defending. I could easily make someone cry, or break emotionally if they ever think of coming after me. Luckily, I was early aware of this and by high school, I stopped being like that. And things were a little bit better as we grow older.
So I got to college and I moved back to my home country, Egypt. It was nerve-wracking. The first violent incident happened in the Microbus station near my college. I don’t think I ever got so many punches all at once. Thank god I didn’t need stitches, but one of my friends did. It was dangerous and brutal. I throw punches as well but not as good as the ones I took. The second incident happened when someone tried to steal my phone. He actually did and ran, but I went after him and punched him so hard that I broke my knuckles. As a man in the middle-east, you’re subjected to violent acts, bullying, and physical harm. Violence is part of your life, a big part. You’re susceptible to violence whether you like it or not.
4. Toxic Masculinity: As men, we are born with masculine traits. And I really stand for embracing these traits. But, there are toxic masculine traits that are being projected and fed to the community. For those who don’t know what toxic masculinity is, It’s the need to aggressively compete and dominate others. And this need has a toxic effect on the people around that person and the person himself. As I said before Taymor from Taymor & Shafika, is a perfect example. Taymor is someone who has problems showing his feelings, selfish, blind to his truth, shallow, and horny most of the time. He can’t allow his partner to have a life outside his circle, where he is not the center of attention; irresponsible of his actions and thoughts. This duo is the most adored in early Egyptian cinema. Needless to say, Si Elsayed who is always dependent, needy, and lazy. These traits have been fed and projected as the image and the role models for the real man, “Eastern male”. This fake masculinity and facade are used to hide inner feelings and deep meanings. Causing men to be less vulnerable, more violent, and live in constant stress and insecurity. Eventually, this will affect his future family in a toxic way. Society and media have been promoting this image for decades. “Men will be men”. Men are not violent savages with no feelings, no emotions, and no depth. Although having many real, genuine, and authentic influential male role models in our culture and religion, society and media are not promoting these kinds of men. Rational, kind, warmhearted, forgiving, and vulnerable men have no place among the “Eastern Males”.
5. Sexual problems: According to many reports, more than 40% of Arab men suffer from ED (Erectile Dysfunction), and around 70% suffer from other different sexual illnesses. Being ill isn’t the problem. But the way we deal with it is the problem. As a community, our sexual culture is so thin and fragile. This leads to treating any sexual problem with ignorance. Men in the middle-east are ashamed of having a sexual problem. Because men can’t have sexual problems. And if you have, you’re not man enough. Many men are forced to feel shame and embarrassment because they are physically ill, although it’s not their fault. Arabic media reports have stated that the Middle East has the highest per individual share of Viagra users in the world.
Sexual health, sexual awareness, and sexual treatments are far-reaching for males in the middleeast. Even though their diseases are treatable, yet, it’s a hard-to-break taboo. It’s difficult to admit that you have a dysfunction of a kind, because you will be received with shame rather than compassion. Hopefully, in the future, this will be addressed more. And society will start to take action and raise more sexual awareness.
6. Men are not expected caregivers, or warmhearted: It’s very weird when a man gives a damn. It’s just not expected. If a man cares about his wife so much, takes care of an animal, plays with his daughters, or makes the dishes. It’s either overly celebrated or weird to watch. It’s eye-catching if a man is honest at his heart, or cares about something and showing it. It is always a scene. I had been taking care of Playto & Loza ( dogs I found in my military service and became friends). Every time I fed them, played with them, or gave them a shower, I get the looks. Basically, caring, being warmhearted, or considerate are considered to be feminine traits in our society. These stereotypes made by society are so unfair and untrue. Men are portrayed in the media as these lazy couch-lovers who watch the TV all the time and don’t care about anything. Or as these attractive guys that don’t seem to care so much about anything. Either way, men should look like they are careless and shallow. I believe we need to show this caring side more and normalize it. So we can just break from that image.
7. Men’s community (privacy and “down” Syndrome): Do you want to know about privacy inside the men’s community?! I’ll give you just one hint that describes it the best. Urinals. Imagine with me that there was a man who said there’re no enough restrooms, so we need to make holes in the wall that looks like flipped turtle shells, so men can pee next to each other while standing upright. Now, let me take your imagination one step further. Imagine with me that there was a community of men around that person, and they went “hell yeah, we need that”. Not only it’s disgusting and an invasion of privacy, but it’s so weird! It’s the second weirdest place in the universe after the barbershop. You stand next to someone, and you can clearly hear him urinating, but you should act like this is cool. It’s visually and aurally harmful. Wait, it doesn’t end there. "Urinal’s men" when they feel the awkwardness of the situation, they start a conversation, making it ironically even weirder! You’re talking to someone who’s urinating! And you look ahead at the wall while talking because you fear that if you move your head in any direction, you would see someone’s genitals! Please, no one needs a urinal! And if someone does, he’s probably a sociopath, so no. Now, what is “down” syndrome?
Okay, this is not related to the real Down syndrome by any means, apologies. I just realized a behavioral pattern in the men’s community when someone is emotionally distressed; they usually bring him down or just keep him down. First of all, I would like to give a shoutout and a big thank you to my wholesome and beautiful friends who helped me get through my hardships. I appreciate you so much, and I have no idea where I would be without you. In a men’s community, it’s very hard to find people who could bring you up rather than down. It’s one of the reasons men don’t open up to each other because they don’t expect to go anywhere but down. You always get that answer machine response from men when you open up about something. Like; “Men don’t cry” “Get yourself together” “If you can’t fight it, enjoy it” “Man up”. It’s very generic, not thoughtful or careful, and cruel. That is a result of not practicing vulnerability in the first place. I’ve been like that in some of my relationships, and the other parties gradually stopped talking to me because they were seeking help and didn’t get it. Until now, I live in fear that they feel rejected and they won't open up to people anymore because of that, which is terrifying. Now, I try to help people as much as I could. And believe me, you should too.
8. You die younger: After all, you die younger. According to the National Institute of Health, male’s average life expectancy is around 70 – 71.5, and for females, it is around 72 – 74. This means the last man standing isn’t particularly a man at all. I don’t know if this is bad or good news. Either way, I will be grateful if I reached 70. But seriously, this spotlights the difference between men and women in self-care and healthcare. Of course, it’s not an absolute fact that we will die younger, but it’s more likely due to our unhealthy habits and following deadly diets. Again, it’s not very common for men in the middle-east to care about diet, health, self-care, or self-hygiene. There’s this old saying known in the middle-east “The road to man’s heart is his stomach”. I agree with this saying, but I just need to add one word to make it more accurate. The road to man’s heart attack is his stomach. Yeah, that’s perfect! Just take care of yourself. And remember, how good you can take care of yourself shows how good you can take care of others. Let that sink in.
I want to end this one with a disclaimer. I didn’t intend to make this one stress-inducing, but I wanted to deliver the truth as it’s. And to send a message for every man out there feeling rejected, stressed, not fully understood, or pressured. I feel you, you’re not alone and this is not your fault. It’s okay to feel this way. It’s okay to be different than the image printed for you. Just try to be the man you always wanted to be and don’t look back to see if people chanted or ranted. Live up to your own expectations, and be proud of yourself.
Thank you so much for letting me be part of your day and I sure hope you have a good one. I really appreciate your time and effort reading my articles and If you liked this one why not share it with others? Don’t be selfish. I’m looking forward for your comments and feedback as well. Also, go check my other articles. Hope you had a good read, and see you next week.
